Rules and regulations

I’ve been free from him since he moved away in the summer of 2023. Since then, I’ve healed a lot and even found a healthy partner who has helped a lot with my healing and knowing what love should truly feel like.

I have had no contact from my abuser since he left for Texas. I am in California.

All parts of my life feel better, while never perfect, but the other night my partner and I awoke to a FaceTime call from a random number with a local area code. I answered and it was my abuser.

I screamed and hung up. I saw he called seven times that night before I answered. I spoofed his IP and he’s back in California. How can I proceed to be protected? He tried to end my life and I’m terrified of him returning to the town I live in. He doesn’t know where I live, but still. It’s a small-ish town.

I just feel so angry, upset, and like I’m back at square one.

It’s the last day of Strangulation Awareness month, and I’ve been trying to come up with some easy ways to convey the difference between “choking” and “strangulation” and encourage using the correct terminology.

Choking refers to airway obstruction. Think “Big Banana”.

Strangulation refers to pressure applied to the neck that blocks the flow of blood and oxygen. A highly gendered and highly lethal act of violence, often used by men against female intimate partners, manual strangulation is preferred by criminals who so desperately need to feel like they are in control that they will seek to manipulate and dominate anyone and anything in their lives, and using their hands to control whether you take another breath is worth the risk that you might die right then and there.

Think “small banana”.

A miserable, inadequate, and dangerous small banana who is 750% more likely to murder the partners they strangle.

Using the correct terminology and knowing how dangerous strangulation is will save lives.

🍌💜

i’m joining the military. i don’t leave for basic till late January but i cant stay home because my Mun is psycho abusive and i literally can’t take it anymore. i have 2500 about in my bank and i want to go to a different state for the 1 month and 3 weeks before basic training. where’s the best place i can go and get a job and live sustainably thru the holidays and new years?? thanks

I’ve been “secretly strategizing” to leave with our kids for over a year. I’ve squirrelled money and gift cards away, researched divorce laws, recorded our conversations as evidence, etc. He knows I want a divorce, but every time I bring it up, he convinces me to give him more time “to change”. Today, I saw his phone sitting on the counter, unlocked. I took this rare opportunity to snoop, and what I found makes me sick to my stomach. Somehow, some way, he has *my entire year’s worth of written records* of our conversations, his abuse, my perspectives on our interactions, my plans, etc etc etc on his own device. It’s essentially my diary for the past year and contains all my deepest thoughts and plans. I don’t know if he has recurring access to this info or only accessed it one time recently. I thought I was careful, but he works with computers and must know some way around my safeguards. So I’m here to ask for help and advice on how I can protect my digital privacy until I can leave safely.

Precautions I took previously:

- Changed my device PINs and passwords to all important accounts (bank, email, etc).

- Set my iPhone to require a PIN immediately (no delayed lockout), but I primarily used Face ID.

- My most sensitive notes were in the iPhone’s Notes app, with locks. The locked notes required the device password or Face ID to view, so I’m just baffled as to how he got them.

- I backed up my ”evidence” notes to a Google Drive he didn’t have access to in case he somehow found my notes and deleted them. As far as I know, the backup is uncompromised.

- I opened a separate checking account, a new credit card, and a new investment account that he doesn’t have access to. He knew that most of those existed, but maybe not where or how much. He now knows the details as of about two months ago (the last time I updated my notes with the current balances).

- I’ve been withdrawing some money each month from the ATM from our joint checking account and hiding it. The total amount was listed in the notes he copied, although I referenced it as being “in the safe” but not where the safe is.

- I opened a PO Box for any mail I didn’t want him to potentially see. I rarely use it, but the box number was in my notes, so he now knows the number and will reasonably and correctly assume I opened it at the nearest post office.

- I’d turned off GPS location sharing.

Potential vulnerabilities:

- We share an Apple Family account, and he knows my Apple ID username (although he shouldn’t know my password).

- We use WiFi in our house, so maybe he got my log in info that way somehow?

- I have multiple Apple devices that use iCloud to sync/share files- iPhone, iPad, and MacBook. It is incredibly convenient to be able to access all my up-to-date files on each device, but this convenience is not worth the cost of privacy I just paid.

- We still live together, so it’s possible I left a device unlocked in his presence. However, I still don’t know how he could have opened my locked notes. I don’t believe I viewed them or unlocked them on the date he copied them over.

- We have two kids who are too young to understand the nuances of our interactions and what things might not be safe to say/share. In the unlikely event one of them learned my PIN passcode by watching me enter it, they could have told their father without realizing this was sensitive information.

- He had the full and exact text of three of my Notes files on his own phone. I suspect he AirDropped them to himself, since that doesn’t leave a record of the data transfer. The files were dated several days ago (Apple timestamps the most recent edit), so he basically has all my most recent/updated info.

My next steps:

- I changed my device passwords/passcodes again today, reset Face ID, and reset fingerprint ID.

- I’m using Chrome incognito mode and created a new email address and Reddit account to post this.

- I plan to change my PO Box number to a different one, and use the new one for all bank statements, etc.

- I plan to buy a new, non-Apple device. Suggestions on this? I‘m thinking I’ll use my new-ish credit card (that he doesn’t have access to the statements) to buy something at WalMart. I definitely need something with a phone line, and ideally internet access. I‘d shift all my sensitive communications and activities to that device to mitigate against him gaining access to my Apple devices and content again.

- Open a bank account at a local bank that has no ties to existing bank accounts (no transfers between, etc). I can deposit some of the cash I’ve set aside, and maybe open another credit card he doesn’t know about. I’m not sure why I need this, but I dislike that he now knows of everything I’ve done behind his back, so opening a new card I know he doesn’t know about feels better. Should I open the account in one of the kids’ names, so he’d be less likely to find it? Not sure what resources there are to learn of hidden bank accounts.

- I plan to leave sooner rather than later. The kids love their school, and I hate to relocate them, but I need to do what is safe for all of us. I had planned to let them finish the school year where they are, but that might not be possible. I already had tentative plans to visit my family for Christmas with the kids, so I could use that to my advantage. We could pack “for the trip” and some extra and not come back. I don’t know what issues I might run into with registering them in a new school district without his consent. I would talk to a safe house near there before I implement this plan. I have limited support in that location, but they’re my only family and the only place I’d want to live long-term (which he knows, unfortunately).

- I have about a year’s worth of expenses in an account he can’t access, so this should tide me over while I get my feet under me. I have a little bit of passive income coming in, but no job and therefore no real income. I’d need to get a job and child support and/or alimony in order to survive long term.

- I plan to ask my local safe house if his violation of my privacy constitutes “stalking” and therefore makes me eligible for a protective order. I definitely don’t feel safe around him, but he hasn’t been physically abusive lately so there’s no “imminent harm” for the courts to uphold an order. The state laws that apply are Tennessee.

My questions:
- What else haven’t I thought of?

- What other resources can I turn to?

- Recommendations on a somewhat cheap but reliable device to purchase?

Back Story:

I (33F) was in a three-year relationship with a man (34M) who joined the Navy during our time together, turning our relationship bicoastal (CA--> FL). We broke up in April after I discovered he had been sending nude photos to women online and lying about his whereabouts, including going to strip clubs. Over his year-long Navy stint, he became deeply depressed, struggling with isolation from his friends, community, and me. Shortly after I ended things, he left the Navy on grounds that he was experiencing severe depression.

Despite the breakup, it was hard knowing he was back home and so close. I missed him terribly, and eventually, I reached out. I wanted to talk in person, to make sense of everything. He had been deeply affected by his time in the Navy, and I tried to approach him with compassion, understanding that depression can drive people to act out in destructive ways. As we spent more time together, I began to forgive him for his lies and the betrayal. Over time, we grew closer, and, strangely, our relationship felt stronger than ever. He opened up more, communicated his feelings, and no longer lashed out when I expressed mine—a stark contrast to his behavior during his time in the Navy, when he’d hang up on me or dismiss my emotions entirely (once called my feelings stupid altogether).

I know this paints an ugly picture of him, but I saw so much good in him. As someone who loves him and is loved by him, I know his heart and anyone can tell you that he is the most beautiful person. I just happen to know the dark, not so pretty sides of him too. He had a difficult upbringing, witnessing domestic abuse and being told to suppress his emotions. I wanted to believe his heart was kind, that he didn’t mean to hurt me. And truthfully, he did make real efforts to change. He's gotten really good at expressing his feelings lately. He is making a conscious effort and it has made me feel like he values this relationship. It's interesting because he's actually gotten better, and I've seen myself subside and become avoidant emotionally (because of all the yelling, I suppose).

Physical Violence:

Anyway, things came to a head on his birthday 1 month ago, which we spent together. He told me he wanted to spend the day with someone who mattered and that he was ready to make changes in his life. But our relationship had always been entwined with alcohol—he’s a bartender and a heavy drinker, and I've always found myself mirroring those habits when we were together. That night, we got VERY drunk. My memory of the evening is patchy, but I remember arguing about money spent on weed. The next thing I knew, I had punched him in the face. Then I blacked out again.

When I came to again, he had my hair in his hands and slammed me to the floor. He stomped on my chest and choked me. I begged him to stop, but he didn’t. His face was blank, and I felt helpless. I got up and ran out of my apartment to call my cousin and recounted everything immediately in a haze of disbelief. My roommates, who had heard the commotion, made him leave the apartment, but I still felt compelled to let him sleep in my car since he lives two hours away and it was late (he had taken the train to come see me). Back inside my apt, I remember repeating "he wouldn't do this to me... " over and over but my roommates said that he did, that they heard it, and my cousin told me that she's glad I called her immediately because the memory was fresh and I honestly probably would have blocked it out. I was and still am in a complete state of denial. The only thing keeping me grounded in reality was the pain on my neck telling me it did happen. Even then, I couldn’t fully process what had happened. I kept telling myself, This isn’t him. This is the alcohol.

Later that night, when my roommates went back to sleep, I went out to check on him because he'd been blowing up my phone. He was angry and confused, yelling at me and started saying really mean things and calling me unlovable—words that cut deeply because he’d never said anything like that before. He threatened to damage my car and demanded I drive him home. I told him I couldn't drive because I was drunk, but he pulled my hair again. With his hands in my hair this second time I knew it was undeniably real —I was much more sober by then and couldn’t believe it was happening, even after what he had already done. Eventually, I drove him to the train station around 2 am, once I felt sober enough. I didn’t feel safe with him nearby, and he wouldn’t let me back into my house without risking a scene in the middle of the night.

The next morning, he called to tell me he had made it home. He said he was done drinking and told me I needed to stay away from him. He admitted that no matter what I did, I (5'2", 113 lbs) didn’t deserve to be thrown to the ground and choked by someone his size (6', ~200? lbs). He said his job was to protect me, but instead, he hurt me, and we couldn’t be together. I agreed.

In the weeks that have followed, he's sent occasional texts like "I love you," "I hope you're having a good day," and messages about missing me. Meanwhile, I’m struggling with flashbacks, panic attacks, and difficulty getting out of bed. I had to uncomfortably inform my workplace that I’d been "assaulted" without providing further details and continue pretending everything was normal.

I do not want to tell anyone. Especially not my family, even though it is extremely difficult to hide my pain from them. The only people who know are my therapist, cousin, roommates, and one close friend. I think part of me still holds on to some kind of hope that we'll turn out okay and be happy together, as irrational and delusional as that may seem.

I can't help but feel responsible for getting physical with him. I also hate living with the fact that I'll never truly know what started the fight- did he pull my hair first? Why the f*ck would I punch him? I have to live with the fact that I did that to him too (although he claims vehemently that I did nothing wrong and if anything had years of pent up anger for how he's treated me... it's absolutely not acceptable. I fully acknowledge my role in this situation and I hate that it happened and that that I'll never know how it started).

Flash Forward:

After 3 weeks of no contact, I’ve seen him twice. It started with a hotel hookup—a moment of weakness where I sought closure and comfort. I was shaking and scared that he'd hurt me again (I've heard the stories about people who do it once and then find it easier to do again and again) but it felt necessary. I'd started to wonder about who this person I spent so much time loving really was and felt that seeing him again might help. Talking face-to-face about what happened helped in some ways, but it also reignited feelings I wasn’t ready to confront. The second time we met, I slipped into denial, pretending everything was fine and that we were back together. I’ve since realized I was clinging to that delusion because it was easier than facing the immense pain of the pain he's caused me over the years, flashbacks of that night a month ago, and the ultimate loss of someone who I love very much.

A few days ago, he reminded me that we cannot be together until we’ve both taken time apart to heal. He said I'm enabling him and that he needs/deserves to feel the pain of losing me if he's ever going to change, otherwise me running back to him makes it feel like nothing happened. Hearing it from him shattered my fragile denial, and now I’m back at square one, feeling broken and overwhelmed. I know I need to heal, but the path forward feels daunting. That’s why I’ve turned to this community—for advice, support, and a reminder that I’m not alone in trying to navigate this pain. Anything helps.

Hi everyone I'm (23f) and I wanna open up about my (23m) ex boyfriend and baby father he keeps hurting me physically and emotionally like he really does a number of things but it seems like he's the only person in my corner but let me give you some back story on us in 2021 him and his ex broke up I was there for him he told me he didn't want anything serious and I was still doing me that be said I screwed someone he knew and occasionally messsed around with my ex whom he also knows that put the strain on our relationship but it presented to be moved passed and we continue to be lovers months down the line his friend drunk text me a 🍆 pic and I foolishly followed him up and respond with a booty pic and then about week later they were hanging out and the friend told him about us me not realizing it wasa set up I went and linked up with my boyfriend but he was at the friends house the friend excuses himself upon my arrival and then my boyfriend starts to question me and getting amped he's anger turns into blows where he pulling my wig off and holding me it feels like he's suffocating me I couldn't breathe he was slapping me as well all of this happened in the back of two doors car his friend had he just kept repeating the same phrase and then he was done attacking me he told me to get the f out his friend didn't see anything I'm sure he would be on his side either way that was and year ago a month later from the incident I found out I was pregnant..I remember so much more filling in from March til now but to brief u all on the physical incidents I'm going to list them please let me know if you think I was wrong for get my bd arrested but not pressing charges

-Bd dragged me by hair pulling out my box braids

BD choked me out because I was ready to leave my house and wanted him to leave too

• Bd attacked me in front out our daughter and I STABBED him in self defense

-BD breaks my jaw punching on me because I don't know why he doesn't even know why he was just angry at me

-BD pushes me out of a moving car

-BD gave me a severe concussion

Please give me insights on what I should do because after all I still love this man but I'm scared he will kill me I'm afraid how do I move on

I'm ready to talk really want ppl to read and hear my cries

Almost 2 years out, I went on a dating streak, I find myself not trusting anyone, and I know that the people who stick are just temporary. My heart is broken yet I still seek connection, when I have one I let it fizzle. I feel like I can't go through this again. Building up so much trust, and love for it to amount to nothing. That relationship messed me up. I only seek physical, cuddling, kissing, and sex occassionally, I'm not looking for anything but just left open.

Me (F23) and my now ex (M23) of 5 years broke it off explosively last night. Over the course of our relationship he has cheated on me twice with random women over discord. Paid for onlyfans, and on occasions he would verbally abuse me and we would get into physical altercations often. He is a budding alcoholic and has already gotten a DUI.

Last night was the final straw and it ended in one last physical altercation and his mommy running to his defense after I called her and told her she needs to take her son. He tried to put me in a held lock to prevent me from contacting help, I proceeded to bash the phone into his head causing him to bleed but I was able to get away causing me to wander the streets from 12am-2am in hopes his family would retrieve him, they didn’t instead standing their ground in my house causing me to flee to a friends place.

My ex is not on the lease, but he refuses to leave. Today is the last day before rent is due but I am planning to put my 30 days to vacate notice today as well. I want to spend the last 30 days in my apartment with my cats as I may never see them again after this. If I call to police can they escort him off my property till a mutual friend or family member can be there to help him remove his stuff?

Do you think that your intelligence was not well developed and your life was limited by fear and anxiety? Do you feel that your parents limited you in many ways? How do you overcome this now as an adult?

TL;DR My ex stole the phone I had before we got together and wants "his" phone back before he'll return it, but the phone he thinks is his was purchased through an account in my name. I also would like to know if there's any benefit to restraining orders if they're not actively bothering you and/or if they show up on a background check or Google search?

So my ex was mostly abusive mentally and financially and one of his go-tos was gaslighting and crazy making, specifically by moving or hiding items of lesser importance and when I'd ask he'd deny and help me look, always finding it first and acting like my hero. At first I genuinely thought I was just misplacing things, as I do have ADHD and would misplace my things even if living alone, however after a while I'd notice things missing entirely even when I know where I left them. Then after a month or two it would show back up, sometimes in the same place but more often it would be close but not the same. He convinced me that I didn't need to work/bullied me into quitting my job (which admittedly wasn't the best, as I was selling things that weren't exactly legal, but he'd throw a fit over the legality when seeing how much money I'd bring home on the weekends and got close to matching his income while at the same time constantly asking to buy from me at my cost which meant he was spending half the amount he did before, seems a bit sus in hindsight.) It took me a long time to realize how off things were because of how gradually he turned up the heat/control, and by the time shit got really bad I very much felt trapped. He had my phone number transferred to my name, had bought me a new phone (although interestingly the account was in my name at first because he was too lazy to go to the store to set it up, he just put in his card number for the bill. So he bought me a phone in my name) and was soon paying for everything except food which I paid for with food stamps as I was now unemployed and had been for some time. I started to realize shit was off when I saw him hit the dog out of anger, and not just a light tap on nose but aggressively and hard enough to cause it to whimper. It still took me six months from that display of aggression before realizing that our relationship had become abusive and unfortunately the biggest reason I realized the relationship was bad was that I cheated out of a need to feel something, as he had stopped initiating entirely and would work 60hours a week. When he was home he was never nice anymore and was either asleep or at his desk with headphones and/or doom scrolling on tik Tok. Cheating woke me up to just how horrible he was treating me because I had a one night stand with a total strangers who treated me better than he had in years. I started planning my exit by getting a new phone from my methadone clinic, but before I could get a job and start saving money he came home from work 4 hours early and caught me high on the couch and took my paraphernalia while I was asleep. On our first date I had told him if he ever asked me to pick between him and drugs I'd pick drugs every time, I'm sober now that I'm single and have started to heal and while I regret not seeking treatment sooner, I don't regret the relapse as I strongly suspect I would've stayed with him a lot longer had he not forced me to choose between him and drugs. While moving out I packed the box for the phone I had before we met along with my things, only to open it later and find that it was empty. Odd because I always put old phones in the box when I upgraded, both for safe storage and for convenience. I wasnt able to move out in one night and the split was anything but clean, especially as I had gone back to full blown active addiction and was on and off the streets and in between couches. Eventually I realized that my name was on the apartment lease too and because of that he had no right to kick me out. After a horrible week on the street I went back and slept on the couch. I told him of the missing phone and asked about it and he naturally faked ignorance. While I was passed out he took the dogs and moved most of his stuff out. I was very hurt that I didn't get to say good bye to the dogs that had become my life since I wasn't working. When he came back and I was awake I was trying to talk as he was pressuring me into signing the lease termination, and I refused as I wasn't going to willingly sign away my only place to live. Eventually he ended up pushing me into a wall by my throat and I bit him. He called the cops on me and they told me to get a restraining order, but I wasn't willing to do that yet as he was still the owner of my phone number and I hadn't found my previous phone. Eventually he said he'd found my phone while I was asleep and when he told me where it was I knew it was a lie because I had actually looked in that bag when packing the first time. He said he took it with him and would only give it back if I gave him the other phone that he had bought for me, the iPhone that is technically in my name. He also never told me where he moved and so I have no clue where the dogs are. He also took back the computer he bought me as a Christmas present 2 years prior. At first when we split and he thought he was keeping the apartment we had lived in together he said he would give me the hard drive so I could have my data, but the night he took the dogs he took the whole computer too. No hard drive was left behind. I'm sure he has other items of mine but the only thing I really care about is the old phone, the hard drive, and of course the dogs. I don't really forsee myself being able to get the dogs back but I feel like the phone is blatant theft, because I know I put it away in the box when I got the iPhone, and I also paid for a good portion of said iPhone as I'd send him money every month in addition to what I sent for rent before I stopped working per his request/encouragement. Also the account which bought the iPhone was in my name as I set it up because he was too lazy to. Which I believe means that iPhone is mine too?

I still have the iPhone but I'd like the other phone back because the old phone is compatible with a different carrier that is a lot cheaper than the network the iPhone is. What I'm struggling with figuring out is how to get said old phone back from him. Could I file a police report? Would that count as theft? I'm fairly certain he can't even demand the iPhone back since the account was in my name or could he still claim ownership of it?

Second question is now that I'm more stable and fully over it and him I would like a restraining order against him because I'm starting to really grasp just how seriously dangerous he actually was. I downplayed the severity of his abuse a lot, even after we broke up because i just didn't want to believe I had become a victim, the shame was too much especially as my mother had done the same a few times and it cost her everything, and I had promised myself I'd never make that mistake as an adult and yet there I was, broke and in love with a guy who was willing to beat a dog and choke me when he got upset. Fortunately he's stayed away from me since I bit him but I have a sneaking feeling that if he sees me happy and doing well on social media he might try to weasel his way back into my life. In hindsight I've realized that he would often start fights or be mean when he saw me happy or successful for any reason that wasn't his own doing, a behavior that I believe is a result of his fragile ego. I know I should block him but I still want my phone back, and of course if there's a way to get my dogs back too I don't want to do that just yet. Any advice for getting my phone? Any experience with restraining orders? Are they even useful if you're not being actively stalked and/or do they show up on a background check? I highly doubt I'm the first woman he's abused and I'd love anyway possible to give the next woman he dates a warning to save her the pain. The biggest reason I believe he's likely to abuse another person is that he was 27 and I was 18 when we started dating. At the time I thought he liked me in spite of my age but now I suspect he was attracted to my lack of real world life experience. He loved to talk about his psycho ex and now I'm positive her side of the story is likely quite different, and I'm probably going to be described as the new psycho ex to his next target. If there's anyway to make it so that a woman who does a thorough background check can see what he was willing to do to me when he got sufficiently pissed off (I would consider pinning someone to a wall by their throat attempted murder, the fact that he called the cops on me for biting him despite that truly shows how detached from reality he really is.) I'd be interested in anything I can do to make it harder for him to trap another vulnerable woman. Of course not all women do thorough searches but more and more do so if I can do anything that will cause his name to show up I'd like to do that. I'm done giving him excuses and I'm also done being scared of him. I want my phone back and I want it to be known what kind of person he becomes when he gets angry. Thanks for anyone who reads this's advice and for taking the time to be supportive. I'm so greatful for everyone that supported me as I was processing everything and getting out that helped me get to the point I'm at today. I'm finally sober, actually feel happy more often than not, feel free and independent, and have a peace I haven't had in years, and am beginning to love myself again as I realize just how much he lied to me and tried to make me feel small so he could control me.

Hi everyone my partner ADHDc (35m med)punched me in his sleep this morning and has done it in the past to his brother when they were younger. I had yelled stop! Stop! And he said sorry it was a nightmare. Then fell back asleep? Is this a normal combined adhd experience? I don't know what to do and am shaking. We're traveling visiting his family and about to leave hotel and stay with his mom a few more days.I don't know what to make of it or what to do but even if it was innocent the feelings, trauma are the same. I'm feeling shocked and anxious. I had to leave and just sit in the car.

I've been with my husband almost 23 years, we have never had a a decent conversation because he gets mad, starts telling, throwing things, in my face calling me names etc. He goes to church and he puts in the charm and everyone adores him, same with work etc.. but at home he is mean. He makes up songs like "oh my wife is a wh**e" When I get upset he says "see this is why I can't joke with you" And and it's the end of the world if I am not feeling well or exhausted, I better not fall asleep, he gets so mad at that, he will start throwing things at me and then argues that I fell asleep. When I make dinner he will tell me things I did wrong, I am over this

I want to start by saying, this is not my story. It’s my sister’s, though it hurts me deeply. I do need to vent, but I would also love advice on how to help her.

My sister has been in an on/off relationship with this guy for about 6-7 years. They have mostly been “off” and in their breaks, he dates and impregnates other women. This has happened 3 times since they’ve been together, and now he fathers 5 children. Though that’s not the point of the story, he often justifies his night/week spending at his BM’s houses.

I noticed signs of abuse starting about 2 years ago. She would have random scratches, bruises, and black eyes. She always lies and says it’s something else. But this year, she began to open up to me more and fully admit that he abuses her. Based on her stories, it happens when they argue. Either of them may get physical, sometimes she might even push him first, but she leaves badly beaten. While he leaves without a scratch. In a recent incident, she came over to my place a few hours after one of their worst fights. it was heartbreaking. I took pictures of her. But i was the only one in my family who knew what was going on. This incident however, was too big for me to ignore. So i told my mom and other siblings. We made an attempt to bring her to the hospital. She (with a lot of resistance) went to get checked out. She wouldn’t allow us in the room with her (I assume so that she could lie about the source of her injuries) I tried speaking with every nurse or hospital employee i could find. I let them know that my sister will lie, and that she is being abused. I asked to send a DV rep to speak with her. they denied and said if she doesn’t admit, there’s nothing we can do. We spoke to the police, they said the same thing. the admission has to come from her.

She was of course furious with me for telling her secret. She says things all the time like “i provoked him” “no one is perfect” “he’s a good guy he just gets so angry” and finds ways to blame herself for this. To add even more context, this is her only serious relationship, and she has really low self-esteem. (that’s not a dig, just a contributing fact) She even told me “i know what you’re trying to do but I’m not ready to leave him”

I think I’ve tried everything I can think of. DV hotlines, even the sargent of DV at our police department. She refuses to file or report or even admit to any authorities because she doesn’t want to get him in trouble, she doesn’t believe it’s that big of a deal, and she claims she’s fine, though she’s been drinking very heavily lately.

We even found the abusers home address and spoke with his mother, and she doesn’t seem to care at all. She said she’ll talk to him, but i’m not sure that she did. I also know my sister and her BF are still talking. He is terrible. He says every mean and nasty things you can think of. throws her insecurities in her face, talks about how her family “doesn’t love her”, isolates her from us, manipulates her and so much more. I don’t know how to help her. I want to help her. What can I do?

Her BF also has a history of DV. In 2017, a former girlfriend of his filed, but BF’s father begged the girl not to press charges, maybe even paid her, and the petition was dropped.

I live in the state of Arizona and I have no idea of how to aquire a restraining order or know how it'll be enforced. My ex-girlfriend was abusive towards me, and today she came into my work and saw me... so now she knows where I work. I don't even know how to get a restraining order or how much they cost. After we broke up she moved into a different apartment so I don't know her address, so I don't even know if they can serve the restraining order if I got one.

Me (22F) and (25M) have been in a situationship/friends with benefits for about 6 months. Things have been going great and we’ve grown pretty close. He visited me for my semester break and we got in a heated discussion when I opened up to him about having suicidal thoughts. (Keep in mind his father killer himself a few weeks ago and he attempted to kill himself a few years back). He snapped at me and I started to cry, he slapped me in the face. He slapped me again when he said that he can “leave whenever” I responded with “then leave” then he smacked me really hard that my cheek started to sting. I cried more and he hugged me I tried pushing him away but he would not let go.

He eventually left and called later to apologize, I told him that we shouldn’t see each other anymore but he left a shirt his ex made him and he really wants it back I suggested to give me his address so I can mail it, he dismissed me and said that he’ll drive down to get it. Am I making this a bigger deal than it is? I’m shocked that he did this because he is a really sweet guy but now I genuinely feel scared of him and I don’t want to see him again. At the same time I really don’t want to cut him off because I really care about him and I don’t want to leave him alone especially since his dad died so recently. should I just let him get the shirt and cut off all contact? Or should I try to work on our relationship? I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends or family about this. Please leave any suggestions on what to do thanks.

Hi all, very new to all of this so please bear with me!

Yesterday I (26f) met with my psychiatrist who informed me I’m a textbook victim of domestic violence and I’m struggling to cope with the reality of the situation. He noticed signs a while ago but at that time I was defending him and blaming my mental health on his behaviour so I wouldn’t take it on board.

I’ve been living with my housemate (24m) for about two years now. The first year was great, but as soon as we moved into another rental the coercive control and ambient abuse took over and I’ve completely lost all autonomy of myself. I can’t do anything without belittling and demeaning comments and essentially became dependent on him to do things because I ‘can’t do anything right’ etc. He’s now dating my best friend, who I can’t say anything about him to while I’m still living here as I don’t feel safe to do so. I’ve lost so much weight from stress and not being able to cook for criticism of what I’m eating or how I’m cooking, so I’ve stopped doing both to mitigate these interactions. There’s a lot more but that would be the length of a book.

I’m finally leaving in a month or so to another place with a great friend, but having to wait through this period and now understanding the gravity of the situation is really hard. It’s been such a slow gradual increase of abuse that it wasn’t noticeable until I went to my parents house (interstate) for a few weeks and realised that I could breathe for the first time in a year.

How did you manage to cope/heal/accept the situation whilst still being in it? I’m doing all the right things like never being home while he’s here, seeking support privately and through work, but the mental side of things is getting hard. I just feel so bad for myself for not seeing it. I have a great support of community here but I don’t want to worry them more than they are.

when he’s been super angry before he’s slapped me/punished me in different ways. which i kinda accepted bc i knew how to be “good” and not make him that angry.

today, i messed up, i got in his way (in my defense i was grabbing my cats so they wouldn’t run away), he was opening a window and had to put a screen on it cuz otherwise the cats would just tear it up.

he was mad then calmed down, after like 10 minutes i thought i was i going in the clear but then he comes up to me and just slaps me. not super hard. enough for a light sting, but then jokes about something else (like “don’t mess with me” insinuations).

wondering if this is just the beginning of casual hitting or if this is just a one time thing.

also went to a store today, someone else was in the aisle he was in so i went to a back one to get out of the way. he yelled at me. swore loudly. in public. i was so embarrassed.

yesterday I finally accepted I’m most likely never gonna get out of the abuse cycle, sucks but it’s true. My father has been my physical, emotional and economic abuser my entire life and also my moms and sisters; I rmr promising myself to get my degree so I could have a nice job and free all of us. I sadly didn’t keep my promise but at least my sisters are free. my mom and I live together, we share rent, I pay my half and guess who pays hers c: my father. I don’t want to victim blame, but it really hurts me that she allows him to be a part of our lives, I’ve gone no contact with the man but since she let’s him come whenever he wants to the house and he gives her money bc she doesn’t make much, he comes even when I’m alone at home. He doesn’t talk to me, but just his presence makes me feel unsafe. I made the horrible mistake of jumping off the wrong bridge in a suicide attempt last year and instead of dying, I made myself dependent for life, I’m not visibly disabled but I can’t walk more than 5 blocks or sit for more than an hour, because of this I’ll probably no longer have a job next year (on medical leave and the max is 2 years) so I can’t move out and even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself considering my shit mental health and physical health. Because of my failed suicide attempt, the ptsd gave me agoraphobia c: so I can’t even get out of my house for a breather I’m so fucking sad and wish i would have gone higher to jump, and I now am too fucking scared to even try to kill myself…I’m so fucking sad

My abuser (who I had a child with) is now dating a new girl. She has the same name as me, same amount of kids and even has the same job as a hairdresser. We officially split in May but was still stuck in a toxic cycle till I found out he was texting her in October. That’s when I finally cut everything off. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. He ruined my life. And he’s made comments how he won’t abuse her because she deserves to be treated better than he treated me. I just don’t know what I feel or why it bothers me. He didn’t get his son this weekend bc he was going out of town and I just saw it was bc he went out of town with her and her kids with his other kids from his first marriage.

Yesterday was my birthday and after making an amazing Thanksgiving/Birthday meal, husband had to ruin everything by making antisemitic comments and using vile language. I told him to stop and we argued while he said FU to me, called me names, belittled me, gaslit, called me oversensative - the usual abusive stuff. He told me not to censor him in his own house (it's my house, too), and I said he could enjoy saying anything he wanted because I'd leave him. At least it wasn't physical. However, our 18 year old son captured the entire thing on his phone and posted it to our family and friends. It's nothing new that I barely have a relationship with my own family, and of course they'd love to see me leave him, but with zero support emotionally, I can't think how it would work for me. I don't want more therapy, because I already know the answer is leave. Later he apologized (actually, that was a big surprise) but after all the constant terrible things he says all the time, I'm just sad and depressed.

Last night was the final time. I spent the past 3 months finding a safe space for my kids and I. I had 2 weeks left in my count down until last night.

I offered my oldest son’s dad a Thanksgiving plate and it was enough for my husband to threaten all of our lives, break our security systems. I finally grew the balls to call 911. Pack my shit and left.

Now I just feel guilty and like I’m letting down my kids as we move to a new town with a roommate.

I know it’ll all work out but these feelings suck horribly.

I also have borderline personality disorder so I know that doesn’t help.

Does everyone really deserve it?.. I can only think of maybe a dozen times in life I was truly happy. Maybe even less. I'm not really a depressed person? I'm an introvert, but too trusting. ADHD has made my brain think everyone has amazing intentions, and that risk=reward every time. Why?! Why why why!!!!

I'm not saying that I don't "deserve" happiness because of anything I've done. I am exhausted. Exhaustion is not even the right word, I'm debilitatingly tired every day of my life. I wasted over a decade of my life. Worse than wasted, I feel like I have dug myself into a never ending ditch of despair and hard work that NO ONE WILL EVER SEE OR KNOW OF. My suffering is done in silence or the few seconds in between the insurmountable number of tasks flung onto me, like I'm the other side of the Velcro.

Where do I find happiness and peace amongst all of the chatter and noise? Why does silence sometimes scare me? My mind is too used to the chaos. Too used to being on simply "survival mode". I can't turn it off. Chronically waiting for the next life changing surprise. Happiness cannot live here.

I had a day where I didn’t get verbally abused on the hour and a half drive to see family who I honestly have always struggled to spend time with.

I had a day where I didn’t cry in front of my child.

I had a day where I wasn’t criticized for the food on my plate until I felt so ashamed.

I had a day where I smiled and laughed and felt cared about.

For so many years I thought I was broken because I “hated” the holidays. In reality I hated being around individuals who were fine with using the occasion to try to break my spirit.

I spent the day with my daughter and my grandmother and had the best time I have had in years.

Males usually mature after 25+. My husband is 23..he's been verbal on / off from 18-22 then got physical a bit once married but he's been tryna get a grip counsel and change and realizes he's wrong

I keep feeling he will grow out of this as he acknowledges what he's doing and will mature? He's been really sheltered his whole life and us geting married and moving out was such a difficult transition for him bc of that - could this be true?

I was 16 when we got together. That’s a solid nine years before the frontal cortex of my brain and adult decision making skills were developed. He was a year and a half older than me, but had much more life experience…to the point where he taught me how to use a washing machine. He also had been doing drugs since he was a small child. Not good. I came from an isolated and uninvolved family, which made it easy for him to “dazzle” or intrigue me. I mistook his obsession for love, and his control for care (I lacked discernment skills). My brain wasn’t even fully developed the day we married (I was 20). Over time, the manipulation took hold, and I knew with his regular meltdowns, by the time my brain was fully developed at 25, that I was effectively trapped. I stayed with him for 30 years. Then at 46 years old, I had to stay at a DV crisis shelter, because I announced divorce and he went off the rails and stalked and chased and threatened me. I was in hiding for several months. October marked 3 years living in the only solo place I’ve ever lived, which is a huge milestone. I’ve always felt dumb for getting with him. But if I look at it another way, of course I didn’t have enough brain power or experience to make good, independent decisions. I was just young and still growing, when first exposed to this guy.

This year it was just my boyfriend and I. I decided to make us a thanksgiving dinner despite the fact that I was super busy with work I was still trying to find a way to make it work. Last night on 11/27 I started prepping everything when my bf asked me to make sweet potatoes so I did. He didn't like that I baked the potatoes in a pan he just bought he said I ruined it and for that he decided to throw away my turkey along with everything else I had in the fridge. He's been yelling at me all day saying that I ruin every holiday and he keeps calling me names like "bitch" "stupid" "idiot". I've been putting up with abuse for years and I'm just about fed up and ready to leave. The only problem is that I have a dog which he registered as a emotional support animal and threatens to take her away from me if I leave because she's under his name. Any advice on what I can do? I can't leave my dog with him he's dangerous and I'm afraid he will hurt her.

I am an 18 year old girl who was raised in a Christian family my entire life, but grew up Atheist. i don’t believe in a God, nor will I ever, because it is not for me. I moved out on my 18th birthday to escape my abusive household and moved in with my boyfriend of 2 years. It lasted 6 months, and while we were together he was very abusive. I wont get into details, for that is a different story, but one night I was kicked out unexpectedly. I lived in my car for a few months while working a job and taking care of my little brother, and this is where I met my current boyfriend. He is Muslim, and he was very kind and sweet. He would help me and my little brother. But before we started dating, he used the fact that I wasn’t Muslim and rejected me, even after we talked of having a relationship together. After the rejection we continued to talk, and one night the topic of religion came up. I said I didnt believe in a God and he nicely suggested I look into Islam. I looked into it and said “I really like the Islam ways, but it isn’t for me.” I guess he took that as a “I wanna be Muslim now!” So he asked me to take him back. We started dating. He found out I was living in my car and moved me and my little brother into his home, which is where I’m currently at. It was fine for the first week, until I guess he got comfortable with me. He would yell at me every time I would say something wrong “Oh my God” , “Adorable”, etc. and everytime before we leave the house, he hands a hijab to me and tells me to put it on. Mind you, hijabs aren’t even required in Islam. I don’t want to wear one. He makes sure I have one on anytime we are about to go somewhere. He forced me to take my Shahada in my car when we were alone, even though I was clearly uncomfortable and told him “I’m not ready yet”. If we break up, I don’t have a home and cannot fully support my little brother. But I am in fear of our safety and do not want to be Muslim.

hi- please ignore my throwaway account name.

i am posting because i am in danger but i am unsure how to safely remove myself because the abuse is mostly by my brother and shelters only really have experience with intimate partner relationships (at least, in my area)…. and i don’t know who else to ask for help from.

so. backstory. over the summer i found text messages from my brother to our sister saying how he wants to kill me. within the same conversation, he talked about buying a gun and bringing it over state lines (with the underlying message being it was for me…) our sister egged him on and encouraged the way he was talking about me

i had to move back in to our family home. i am a female and 27 years old. my brother has pretty much constant access to me because this was his home too.

he has hit me. multiple times. bruised me everywhere. he has almost broken my nose before. this has been an issue since we were children. i warned my parents when we were younger and they ignored me.

now, tonight, my family came back from thanksgiving dinner and told me he has officially traded NFL football tickets to a very expensive game for a gun from a cousin.

i am worried. i am scared. i don’t know how to get out or who to ask for help from. i need advice- anything.

my therapist knows everything and i have my own forms of protection- i have baseball bats hidden throughout my room and i have a camera, plans, etc.

what complicates things for me the most is that i don’t have any support. i have no friends here anymore and even when i did they all also knew and adored my brother (despite knowing that he hit me). i can’t just move everything out in one day. i also have a large dog that i cant just take with me wherever. please help me- i am worried i am going to die.

thank you.

Back in January of 2023 my brother assaulted me, he choked me from behind for a good 10 seconds, cut me up with a broken chandelier, ripped my hair out, beat me with a broom until it broke in half, busted my eardrum and broke my nose. I know for a fact no one in my family will act as a witness if I do go to the police station and i'm getting anxious because the statue of limitations is coming very close. I have physical evidence on my body but will it be enough, will they believe me because how can I prove it was him? I'm scared of being branded as "the one who tried/ destroyed the family" "the family snitch" and being ostracized for coming forward. The reason I did not report him at the time is because I was concerned about ruining his life, but what about mines? Just thinking about it makes me very upset. Do I need money to press charges because i'm not sure how the process goes, will they arrest him? Everyone seems to love him and I hate seeing his face everyday. Does anyone have experience in going to the police station very late or almost two years later? Can I at least get a restraining order because I hate seeing his face. I really don't have that much money!

I have a restraining order against STBx. He filed a motion to reconsider it. Now I'm also being served some papers, don't know what they are because I missed the person. I'm terrified of what he could try do to me. Im even terrified that, if it's not from him, what if it's a huge bill I owe ? I'm scared. I don't like this at all. I really don't like going through all this. I'm scared I'll be fighting for years. I'm not a millionaire! I don't know what I'm going to do.

I know going to the worst possible scenarios is a trauma response and I don't know how to fix it. I sometimes wonder if being abused was better than all this.

I am mentally drained. Physically drained. Most of my life , I've been surrounded by abhsers and all I wanted is to be loved. Now all I want is peace and I still can't get it.

I know everyone says to fight, and yeah I will but gosh. I am scared of falling apart during this battle.