For fun, I wondered what it would be like if the Clone High Tatler (from the now defunct Clone High website) was rebooted to coincide with the episodes of the show's reboot, just like in the original. So, here's what I think the first issue of the Tatler would look like for the episode "Let's Try This Again: Can We Start Sta~art Over?". Sorry if the formatting gets all messed up.

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Issue 14

BI-DECADAL NEWS UPDATE: 2 DECADES 2 RECAP

By Principal Cinnamon J. Scudworth

Welcome to the first installation of our newest segment in the Clone High Tatler; Bi-Decadal News Update, where we recap everything that's happened on a bi-decadal schedule, for those of you who've been living under a freezer-ceiling for the past 20 years. Also, please note that "bi-decadal" refers to once every two decades as opposed to twice every decade. (Gotta give our editors some time to relax) Bi-decadal is also not to be confused with the term "bissextile", which is just a year that's attracted to both leap and common years.

• Society: In the absence of the entire first generation of students, teachers, shadowy figures, foster parents, people from outside of school, celebrity guests, and other ancillary characters, yours truly created an entire new generation of students and teachers in 2007 to keep the school running. Full disclosure, I kind of used up all the good historical figures on my first batch but there's still some cool people from history this time. There's Kublai Khan, Toussaint Louverture, Wu Zetian, Truganini, Jim Bridger, Benazir Bhutto, Alix of Hesse, Saladin, Dioxippus, ... You've heard of them, right? Right? ... No? Well, then you're gunna learn about them this year. That's kind of what school is all about.
• Weather: These past two decades gave us sun, rain, snow, clouds, wind, thunder, hail, fog, and hurricanes all on various days throughout the timespan.
• Sports: We lost every game against GESH except for one back in 2019 but it didn't matter because that year, GESH still had a better marching band performance than us, which was what mattered the most that year, so that was yet another L for the Clone High professional tetherball team.
• Politics: Due to President Dog being frozen before his term could be completed, his role as student body president has been taken over by Harriet Tubman, totally badass girl-boss and civil rights queen, who will conduct this school the way her clonemother conducted her famous train. Alongside her, is vice president, Frida Kahlo. Although she initially may not be much to look at, her artwork makes her look drop-dead gorgeous by contrast.
• Obituaries: I'm not listing every single famous person who died between 2003-2023. If you're curious, just look through the members of the second generation.

And that's pretty much everything you need to know. For more in-depth recaps of specific years, just go on this new thing called YouTube and watch the respective JibJab videos pertaining to said years.

Your pal, Principal S.

FROM THE PRINCIPAL'S DESK: UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

By Superintendent Candide Sampson

Hello, old and new clones. I am Candide Sampson, the new superintendent of the school. As the title may suggest, the principal's office of Clone High High School is currently under new management, by which I mean a glass ceiling I installed overhead. Although Principal Scudworth is, unfortunately, not fired, I am still going to henceforth act as the superior to Scudworth and as such, my word will trump his every time. If you notice any BS happening with my uneducated underling and his stupid robot butt-buddy, please do not hesitate to report it to me and I'll be sure to sort things out. Do remember, however, that I am not your friend. Don't come to me with any of your personal issues or teenage angst and especially do not try to start a friendly conversation with me in the halls, unless you want to be suspended for talking to me. I am your workplace superior, so don't expect me to be fun, pleasant, or nice to any of you. Not even you, Joan.

Your non-pal, Candide S.

STUDENT PROFILE: CONFUCIUS

By Harriet Tubman, Campus Life Editor

Hi, everyone! Harriet Tubman, here. Most of you Gen2-ers already know me as the currently acting student body president, leader of the inclusivity committee, head cheerleader, and manager of diversity, inclusion, & equity, and more. However, for you froze-clones, let me just introduce myself by saying that I am all of these things, plus the currently acting editor of student profiles, here at The Clone High Tatler. Sorry to whoever ran it before but your time is done.

Today on the Tatler, we're interviewing fabulous FlipFlop influencer, Confucius Rottweiler. Cloned from the historical philosopher and writer, Kong Qiu, and adopted by the bourgeoise Rottweiler family, Confucius, with his high-energy spirit and friendly rizz, has brought joy and entertainment to the students of Clone High High School.

Tatler: So, Confucius. Tell us a little about yourself.

Confucius: Well, I run the FlipFlop account, ConfuciusSayzz421. Be sure to check it out. It's mega lit fam. On it, I just upload videos of myself doing whatever.

Tatler: Okay. And what is "whatever"?

Confucius: You know, doing totally epic FlipFlop challenges and stuff.

Tatler: What kind of challenges?

Confucius: Oh, the list goes on and on. Over the years, I've done bottle flip, cinnamon, ice bucket, mannequin, milk crate, blackout, benadryl, skull breaker-

Tatler: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Some of these challenges sound really dangerous. You did the blackout challenge, where you hold your breath until you pass out?

Confucius: Oh, yeah. It was great. Really makes my brain go ker-bonk. It's not as good as the benadryl challenge, where I swallow as much over-the-counter pills as I can, until I start to hallucinate.

Tatler: Good God, Confucius! People have died doing that! And the skull-breaker challenge? The name alone is bad enough as it is!

Confucius: Eh, it's fine. Haven't dealt with any seblere blain darblage yet! Currently, the latest trend that I'm doing is the light-yourself-on-fire-and-jump-off-the-roof-into-a-pool-of-bleach challenge, where you inhale a bunch of bowling shoe spray and do a handstand on top of a moving car going at 420 miles per hour for as long as you can without angering the swarm of yellow jackets you have in your mouth. It's awesome!

Tatler: Jesus, Confucius. What do your foster parents think about this?

Confucius: I don't know. They're never home. My mom is always overseas, working as the CEO of Scamron and my dad is always in Indonesia, spending time with his kids, so I basically get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. It's a pretty sweet life.

Tatler: Wow, okay. Well, moving on, I guess we should ask. How do you live up to the real Confu-

Confucius: Yep, no parents is the best. They never ever get involved with my life in any way ever. It's ... It's awesome.

Tatler: Right, well. So, when it comes to your clonefather, the original Confucius, how do you-

Confucius: Sometimes, they send me pre-recorded messages for my birthday but that's about it ... Yeah, it's just the best. It's ... almost like they don't even love me ... Nothing worse than when overbearing parents are always loving you all the time, right? Pfft. So lame.

Tatler: ... Okay, so, the original Confucius, your clonefather. What do you do to-

Confucius: My mom doesn't even say my name right in my birthday message. She calls me Aloysius. Like, HOW HARD IS IT TO REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE GUY IN HISTORY I WAS CLONED FROM, MOM!?

Tatler: [sigh] Okay, well, Confucius. I think we-

Confucius: They were a lot more present in the house when I was a kid. On National Foster Kids Day, my foster parents did make a homemade card for the best foster son in the world ... The neighbor's foster kid really enjoyed it.

Tatler: Well, Confucius, I believe that's all the time we've got for today. Unless there's anything else you wanna say, I guess it's time to wrap things up.

Confucius: They forgot to take me on a FAMILY VACATION to The Galapagos Islands last year! But they sure as hell remembered my sisters, Truganini and Sacagawea!

Tatler: Okay then! Thank you for your time, Confucius.

What a character, that Confucius. Be sure to follow ConfuciusSayzz421 on FlipFlop for more of his crazy cool content and be sure to check out the student profiles every week for more exciting interviews with the diverse pool of students from all different ethnic backgrounds across the globe, right here in The Clone High Tatler! Byezies!

CANCELLED CORNER: THIS WEEK'S CANCELLATION RECORDS

By Frida Kahlo, Inclusivity Committee Cancellation Manager

What's up, everyone? This week, I had to kick things into high gear, with cancellations, thanks to the massive spike in problematic people, who came with the defrosted clones. So, here's your guide to all public cancellation records. Avoid these guys like the plague.

• Abe Lincoln - Used tons of problematic language at lunch, including terms like (G*y, R***rded, Sp*z, and A** L**es M**ter) Not acceptable in today's vernacular.
• JFK - Exhibits chauvinistic and neo-patriarchal behavior as well as unearned "white guy confidence".
• Cleopatra Smith - Expressed dangerous opinions that disagreed with mine. Legit said to my face that socks and sandals don't mix.
• George Washington Carver - Invents things that are not inclusive to those with peanut allergies.
• Julius Caesar - Appropriated the namesake of the Caesar Salad from Caesar Cardini.
• Caesar Cardini - Plagiarized his salad idea from the Greek Salad, which is offensive to Julius Caesar.
• Marie Curie - Made insensitive comments about people who suffer from A.D.D. and its hyperactive cousin, A.D.H.D. back in 2002.
• Helen Keller - Refuses to see color.
• Piano Red - Self-whitewashing.
• Catherine the Great - Isn't really all that great.
• Andrew Jackson - Owes my girl, Harriet, $20 and still hasn't paid her yet.
• Jesus Cristo - Exhibits good judgment and propagates positive behavior, which is discriminatory toward the ethically-impaired.
• Van Gogh - Painted non-consensual nude art of another student, whose name will be omitted, due to him also being canceled as well.
• Leonardo da Vinci - Beat me in last week's art contest. He totally cheated too! You can just tell that painting was AI-generated.

As always, everyone, remember to promote a more inclusive environment for everyone by not associating with these people, unless you want to get canceled too.

XOXO - Frida

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And that's the first Clone High Tatler Reboot issue. What do you think?

\"We would like to play.\"

It's evening at your house and Scudworth and Butlertron decide to crash at your crib for the night. What video game are you guys playing together?

​

I'd be playing 3-player Spikeout:Final Edition from Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth.

Now that season 3 (HBO Clone High 2023 season 2) has ended, where does Joan stand with you since the infamous season finale of the previous season? Has she redeemed herself, or even improved? If not, what do you think it'll take to redeem her?

Hey, im doing animation in uni I wanna know how the 2003 clone high was animated, its my favourite show and I wanna look at how the visuals for it were made. I've looked around and I never seem to get a straight answer about it, no matter how much I've looked. was it flash animated frame by frame or was each new frame individually drawn?

Gandhi will say a bunch of offensive stuff from 20 years ago regarding Indians and South Asian people which would anger the other Indian clones who would get so offended that they wanted him kicked out of the school instead of being send to the cancelled corner as a reference to how Indian people were outraged over Clone High's depiction of Gandhi.

They end up using the same protest tactics such as hunger strikes and stage protests in front of Scudsworth's office and bring non Indians to protest with them including Joan who's sick of Gandhi asking her if she remembers him. Only Abe remembers and supports Gandhi and the episode ends with him defending Gandhi and asking the Indian clones and the others to for being so impatient and unforgiving against people from a different time, helping bring Gandhi together with the second generation Indian clones.

any headcanon for her

View Poll

"Guess Who's Back: The Return Of An Old Friend"

Synopsis: When a long lost friend returns, confusion and drama unfolds when only Abe seems to know or care about him. Meanwhile, what's totally a coincidence, Scudsworth hosts an "Indian Heritage Luncheon" for all the Indian clones to celebrate.

Major Roles

Abe Lincoln

Gandhi

Joan of Arc

Cleopatra

JFK

Principal Scudworth

Candide Sampson

Frida Kahlo

Harriet Tubman

Confucius

Topher Bus

Minor Roles

Indira Gandhi

Aurangzeb

Muhammad Jinnah

Mr. Butlertron

Sacajawea

Ivan the Terrible

Satyendra Nath Bose

George Washington Carver

Marie Curie (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Kublai Khan (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Nathaniel Hawthorne (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Brontë sisters (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Isaac Newton (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Jesus Christo (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Piano Red (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Chandragupta Maurya (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Buddha (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Martin Luther King, Jr. (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Nostradamus (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Madhubala (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Marie Antoinette (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Van Gogh (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Jackie the Ripper (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Lizzie Borden (Non-Speaking Cameo)

P. V. Rao (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Vlad the Impaler (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Napoleon Bonaparte (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Julius Caesar (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Toussaint Louverture (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Wu Zetian (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Winston Churchill (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Genghis Khan (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Catherine the Great (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Quasimodo (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Rani Of Jhansi (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Anne Boleyn (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Nur Jahan (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Peany (Non-Speaking Cameo)

Geronimo (Non-Speaking Cameo)

DNA Dan (Pictured)

1. Kim Jong Il (since he was a huge cinephile)

2. Viola Desmond

3. Stanley Kubrick

4. Walt Disney

5. The Warner Brothers

6. Howard Hughes

7. Hedy Lamarr

8. D.W. Griffith

9. Charlie Chaplin (maybe he gets mistaken for Hitler)

10. George Orwell