The children were wrong. It IS a tumor!!!!

When I was a child I liked monster trucks and car racing and sports and rock and roll because my dad did. I made fun of vegetarians and homosexuals even. But then the Lord cured me. I started doing arts and crafts. I started hating sports. I became a vegan. I started defending LGBT positions as an ally. I started loathing monster trucks and all trucks. I stopped listening to rock and started listening to modern folk and indie. I once was lost but now am found.

Seems like the 'filthy rags' metaphor is overdue for a reddit-inspired update.

Grovel, bitch!

Was it part of God's plan for me to be mildly inconvenienced this morning?

She insists that "QUAW" is a word because it's in the Oxford English Dictionary. The OED! How is that not cheating?

I could forgive it if it hadn't been on a Triple Word Score...

Some miracles, like axe heads floating in water and seizures stopping seems pretty mid. Especially compared to other miracles, like stopping the sun in the sky or walking on water. Do you agree that we should be holding God to a higher standard when it comes to miracles?

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My wife, who apparently has promoted herself to chief Bible study leader of our household, was “leading”, if a woman can even do such a thing, a Bible study with our daughter and my sister. I told her to go do it somewhere else, because her exegesis makes Andy Stanley sound like Charles Spurgeon.

I'm the pastor of a large church but don't consider myself a wealthy person. Yes I have a private jet plane, but my closest friends are richer than I am. I want to upgrade to a larger plane; I believe God wants to do this because he's my BFF and wants me to be rich. So recently I used my congregation's tithe money to buy a new plane.

Then my henchman approached me and complained the money I used was earmarked for helping the poor (freeloaders) and sick (people with not enough faith to be healed). He quoted something called the "Gospels" (I've never read them; I only preach the Bible, not Marxist drivel lol). He was pretty insistent and I'm not used to being questioned. Then the local paper caught wind of how I used church funds and people started sending me mean letters.

I don't get it. I'm just your nice, average pastor who politely informs everyone who doesn't share my beliefs that they are hellbound. Why are folks so upset that I'm so successful?

Cannot believe how liberal that subreddit has become, they even deny that everything you have said or done will be played back at judgment. But THIS WAS YOUR LIFE p. 11 is crystal clear on this topic. How can you say you are a Christian when you don't accept the Word of Chick!?

He’s refused the vaccine and doesn’t watch the liberal media. How do we get him to join our cult?

As the title states: my girlfriend got raptured during the eclipse, and (as you can tell) I'm still here. Now, of course I want ro get into heaven, so I think I should marry her, and that should do the trick. Because it is written in 1 Corinthians 7:12

For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Does anyone here have experience with arranging such a long-distance marriage? And is it a problem if the bride is absent from the wedding, for obvious reasons?

Why does America always get the cool things first? Well, more time to repent, I guess...

Or since I am not in the path of totality, at least part of me, Preferably the parts that don't know how to have a good time down here, I'd hate to be a buzz kill at the end of the world orgies that are about to happen

Edit: it wasn't too bad, only my left behind was raptured. I sit a little crooked now and my farts aren't as satisfying but otherwise I am good

So far I think am most partial to Franklin, but please send me all your cash so I can compare

It was Magic Mike :(

Well, I mean, they're not quite right, but you could extend it from this. Though some might disagree, as these are Paul's words, not Jesus'.

Blessed are the miners, for though their faces are dirtied, their hearts are pure.
Blessed are the manual labourers, for their hard work blesses the many, and so they become blessed themselves.
Blessed are business owners, for they create work and value for their community, and so they are a blessing, and become blessed.

• Paul's 2nd epistle to the Americans (2 Ame 2: 4-6)

/unhug >!I wrote this for a groupchat, but couldn't let you guys miss out on this.!<

/rehug And if you disagree, then you must be a fronthugging heathen! This country (God's chosen nation of America) was built on oil! And "Messiah/Christ" means anointed, thus oil! Checkmate liberal atheists!

All right, saints, let's get to work. We've only got three more days of eclipse panic, and then we need a new panic theme. Let's workshop this now so we're ready. Let's see, astronomical events coming up in May...

• May 6, 7 - Eta Aquarids Meteor Shower - Meteors! Fireballs smashing into the earth! Dinosaur killers! We could almost just stop there.
• May 8 - New Moon - The MOON will be GONE! Matthew 24:29: "Immediately after the tribulation of those days the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light" - basically Jesus promising the end of the world right there. Plus it's on the one-month anniversary of the last apocalypse.
• May 23 - Full Moon - "This full moon was known by early Native American tribes as the Flower Moon". Injun stuff, sounds demonic.

Never mind, I don't need your help - this stuff writes itself. I'm going to go buy some Truth Social ads and set up my drop-ship store for freeze-dried food buckets.

I hear that's when God will punish me for being a lazy sodiumite

1. I'm gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay — and other evidence against christianity that demands a verdict.

2. I clearly need mental health help. But I will get very angry if you say so, because I want to talk about how the eclipse shows the end is coming.

3. Uhm, women... have you considered that you're not biblical? as the SEX gender, all my weird sexual hangups is ur fault.

4. Hello, has anyone suggested that Donald Trump might be a bad example of a Christian before? I am the first person I met to think this.

5. If Jesus is God then why is the Father God. Christians are polygamist not monotheist PROOF. I have never looked up christian theology much less a dictionary.

6. I got a religious trinket. I drew a picture instead of paying attention in History class. I set up a Jesus body pillow across from me at Starbucks for REAL coffee with Jesus. This deserves its own post.

7. i'm god's least favorite: please only affirm my scrupulosity, religious-flavored self-hatred, or delusions i'm the world's wormiest worm. otherwise I'll get MAD.

8. Hi I'm a fundamentalist who never responds constructively, I just post like it's my job. My church tells me to evangelize but I haven't left my home in 14 years so I figure that posting incessantly on reddit counts the same.

9. Hey a christian did something bad... my weird religious aunt posted some stupid stuff on faceboook... explain yourself or face collective punishment. P.S. Isn't christianity inherently immoral for saying we're guilty for stuff i didn't even do?

10. The greatest problem in theodicy is that I can't get a goth girlfriend.