To preface this I just want some feedback on the episode and if you think it was funny or not. I wrote all this myself so I didn't have anyone to bounce ideas off of but I still think it ain't too shabby.

Name: The Urn

(Cold Open, Elaine is at her boyfriend Harold’s apartment, Harold is making lunch.)

Harold: So what do you want?

Elaine: I don’t know what do you have to make.

Harold: Oh I can make anything I don’t really mind.

(Elaine looks into various drawers when she opens a drawer full of pans, like fullllllll of pans.)

Elaine: Jesus, how many pans do you need?

Harold: Don’t joke about my pans.

Elaine: Sorry, I’ll take a grilled cheese sandwich.

Harold: Seriously, I have everything in this kitchen and you chose a grilled cheese sandwich. Did you know that the steel plated fry pan can withstand heat up to 700 degrees.

Elaine: No I didn’t.

Harold: And the blue mammoth steak pan can be submerged in boiling lava, that thing would have survived pompeii.

Elaine: Well if you love these pans so much why don’t you marry them?

Harold: I SAID, DON’T JOKE, ABOUT MY PANS!

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Jerry and George are talking in Jerry’s apartment]

Jerry: Just like that?

George: Just like that!

Jerry: You just started working there, what could you have possibly done to warrant such premature expulsion?

Gorge: Well, they…

[Before George can speak Kramer busts through the door and immediately goes to the kitchen]

Jerry: Wait a minute now, my kitchen is not just some cafeteria you can take from as you please.

Kramer: Come on Jerry, we’re friends, you’ve never done this before.

Jerry: Well I am now, and I’m putting a stop to this chicanery.

Kramer: You need to lighten up! [Kramer starts to eat ice cream straight from the bowl]

Jerry: What were you saying, George?

George: Well, I was saying that…

Elaine on the buzzer: It’s me.

Jerry on the buzzer: Come on up

[Jerry unlocks the door]

George (continuing what he said): …they realized I had faked all my references.

Jerry: Faked all your references?

George: Yeah, Kramer told me it worked for one of his buddies.

Kramer: Well, it did, maybe you didn’t do it right.

Jerry: Where did it all go wrong?

George: Well they called the numbers I put down.

Jerry: And…

George: Well, my parents picked up.

Jerry: I can’t imagine that went well.

George: No it did not.

[Elaine walks in and shuts the door, she is rubbing her cheek to indicate that it hurts]

Elaine: Hey boys, watcha talking about?

Jerry: Just Georgeyboy and his incompetence.

[George gives Jerry a mean look, then he picks up a magazine]

Jerry: What's wrong with you?

Elaine: I don’t know, yesterday I was out at the movies with Harold and my cheek started hurting, I think it swole a little.

Jerry: Ahh, the pan man. Did he talk about his pans again?

Elaine: No Jerry, he did not, and I’ll have you know Harold is the nicest guy I know in the st, (suddenly Elaine grabs her cheek) Ah dammit!

George: [Puts down his magazine] What’s wrong?

Elaine: This damn cheek, it's hurting like hell.

Jerry: You ought to go see a face doctor.

Elaine: A face doctor?

Jerry: Yeah, they check out your face, make sure everything is ok. A face doctor.

Kramer: [takes the spoon out of his mouth] Oh no, don’t go to a face doctor, they’re freaks. They have some sick sexual pleasure that derives from touching other people's faces.

Jerry: Come on, they’re doctors. Doctors aren’t freaks.

George: Well when I was a boy I went to this doctor that always touched the inside of my cheek every check-up. That’s pretty freakish.

(They all stare at George)

Kramer: Oh, these doctors are the worst. They all gather around you and caress your face just to tell you to put some ice on it, uh uh, I don’t like it. It doesn’t sit well with me Elaine.

Elaine: Well whatever they say it’ll at least make me feel better.

Kramer: Oh god! Making you feel better, maybe if you get the best face doctor. But any old average face doctor will just scar your face to the point of no return.

[George has a look of realization and amazement]

George: Oh my god that's it. That's my dream job, I can make people worse while making a doctor's salary.

[George starts to leave]

Jerry: Where are you going?

George: I’m going to be a face doctor!

[George leaves]

Elaine: Fine, I won’t go to the face doctor, but I swear if this cheek bloats before my date with Harold the blood is on your hands!

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Cut away to Tom’s Restaurant, the same day a little later. Jerry is sipping on coffee when George walks in with a sad look on his face, and he sits in the booth across from Jerry]

Jerry: What's wrong, did you realize that to be a face doctor, you probably need to be a doctor?

George: Ahh, the world of face doctors wasn’t ready for me anyway.

Jerry: Mhm

[A waitress walks up to the table]

Waitress: What can I get you, sir?

George: Oh, I’m not eating, I'm just talking to my friend here.

[Jerry waves at the waitress]

Waitress: Well, to be seated you need to be a customer.

George: Show me a sign where it says I have to be a customer to be seated.

Waitress: [She points at a sign that says this] It's store policy, nothing I can do.

George: Come on, as a long-time customer can’t you give me a break just this once?

Waitress: Sir, will I have to escort you out?

George: Fine, get me an orange juice.

Waitress: Oh, I’m sorry we just ran out.

George: Well then I’ll have some milk.

Waitress: We ran out of that too. In fact, we’re completely out of beverages, looks like you’ll have to order food.

George: Fine, I’ll have a tuna sandwich.

[The waitress walks away]

George: The nerve on that lady. Oh, Jerry, do you want to help me move my girlfriend into her new apartment?

Jerry: Now why would I want to do that?

George: Because you’re doing me a favor.

Jerry: Once again, I ask why would I want to do that?

[Elaine walks still grabbing the cheek, it is a little swollen now, while George gets a call, Elaine sits in the booth with Jerry, and the same waitress walks over to Elaine]

Waitress: What can I get you?

Elaine: Just an orange juice.

George: (taking a beat from his phone) They’re out.

Waitress: Coming right up.

[George goes back to his phone with a scornful look]

Jerry: So how's the cheek?

Elaine: Terrible, and now my face is swollen. Damn Kramer.

Jerry: Did you look for a face doctor?

Elaine: Yeah, they’re all booked up until next week.

[George hangs up the phone, as the waitress comes back with the oj giving it to Elaine. George gives her a mean look]

Jerry: Who was that?

George: The girl I’m dating, Charlotte, she said I don’t have to move any furniture.

[Elaine takes a sip of her drink]

Jerry: Well that's good.

George: Well… instead I’m moving her mother's ashes.

[Elaine spits it out onto George]

Jerry: Her mother’s ashes!?

Elaine: You said no right?

George: No, I couldn’t. That woman has a stranglehold on my life Jerry. [George does a choking motion). I need to break up with her, but I just can’t bring myself to it.

Elaine: Well you could always make her break up with you. Just do something so malicious that she would have no choice.

Jerry: What the hell are you suggesting?

Elaine: Just “accidentally” lose her mothers ashes.

Jerry: Oh my word! Elaine, what is wrong with you? That is the most wicked, immoral, sinful, iniquitous plan I’ve ever heard.

Elaine: Oh what do you care.

Jerry: I don’t.

George (obviously pondering this): You know, that might just work.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut to, Elaine is beating on Kramers door with a very noticeably swollen cheek.)

Elaine (talking in a weird voice on account of her cheek being swollen from now on): Dammit Kramer open this door.

Kramer: No! You’re too frightening.

Elaine: Well you caused this mess so you're gonna help me fix it.

Kramer (Opens the door): (Kramer lets out a frightened welp.)

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut to, Charlotte and George speaking in an empty apartment with her mothers ashes being the only thing left.)

George: Well I’m glad you got a company to take all that stuff out of your apartment.

Charlotte: Yeah it's just a shame that they wouldn’t take my mom, they said “sorry ma’am, we don’t work with the deceased.” They also said something about a truck getting haunted when ashes got spilled in them and then the drivers crashing on the highway in the same truck.

(Close up on george)

(George looks shaken and disturbed by this information)

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut back to Kramer's apartment, where Kramer is looking through ointments for Elaine)

(Kramer grabs an old bottle of “Compressodine”)

Kramer: Here (He gives the bottle to Elaine), this helped me out when I had a bulge on my thigh.

Elaine: What’s it do?

Kramer (said in a commercial-like voice): It tightens the skin and forms it right back to the bone. (he starts to sing.) Compressodine, Compressodine, just rub it in and you’ll be fine.

Elaine: Shut up.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(George is driving on the country road and seemingly having a conversation with the urn.)

George: You know this isn’t personal right? I don’t want to have to do this. Really it’s your fault for making your daughter the way she is. I’m sure you were a nice lady, a great lady even. But your time has come and you need to move on from this realm. (George takes a pause.) I’m sure you won’t mind being gone that much. You won’t have to watch your daughter bring home scumbags that want to dump her mothers ashes anymore.

(George moves his hand over to the urn (which is sitting up in the passenger's seat w/o a seatbelt.) when he is about to push it over he suddenly has a flashback.)

(A thought bubble of Charlotte appears over George's head replaying something about the haunted truck. George gets nervous and begins to sweat.)

George (removing his hand from the urn): Oh god, I can’t do it!

(Suddenly he looks up from the urn to see that he is in the other lane and a 16 wheeler is headed right at him.)

George (he swerves the car back onto his side of the road): AHHHHHHHHHH! (He takes a moment to regain his composure when he looks over to the urn and sees it tipped over and spilled onto the floorboards of his car.) Oh my god!

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut to Jerry's apartment.)

Jerry (While reading a comic book peeks his head out for a second to say.): It’s quiet, too quiet. (Suddenly his phone starts to ring.) Here we go.

George: Jerry, Jerry!

Jerry: Who is this?

George: JERRY! I need you to come pick me up, I think my car is haunted.

Jerry: George, now why would your car be haunted? Personally if I was a ghost I wouldn’t want to spend all eternity haunting you let alone your nasty car.

George: I spilled the ashes in the car.

Jerry: Was that not the purpose of this expedition?

George: I had second thoughts, Charlotte told me about these guys whose truck got haunted because ashes spilled in their car.

Jerry: What did the ashes fall on?

George: My floorboards.

Jerry: Well then, I think the floorboards are your issue not the whole car. Buh bye George. (Jerry hangs up and goes back to reading his comic.)

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut to Elaine's apartment where she is putting on the compressodine. There is a clock on the wall that shows 7:00 pm.)

Elaine: There, all finished, (she admires herself in the mirror) looking good Benice. (her face is back to normal) (she throws away the compressodine, we zoom in on the compressodine to reveal that it only lasts for one hour.)

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut to Morrianoes, where Harold is waiting on Elaine at a table.)

(Elaine walks in)

Elaine: I’m sorry for being late, I was just doing some umm… skin care.

Harold: No worries, you look magnificent.

(A waitress walks up to them.)

Waitress: Do you two know what you want to get?

Elaine: Yes I’ll take the tour of Italy.

Waitress: Splendid choice, and you sir?

Harold: I want the Italian classic.

(As the waitress goes for Harold’s menu he grabs her hand.)

Harold: Make sure that these dishes are made on the finest pans that you have. We won’t take any old second rate pan that the rabble use. We want the best.

Waitress (with tears in her eyes): Yes sir, I’ll make sure of it.

(She then runs off.)

Harold: Well Elaine, did I mention how stunning you look tonight.

Elaine (blushing): Yes you did.

(There is a window that looks into the kitchen)

Harold: Oh My God!

Elaine (feeling her face because she thinks the skin bloated again.): Oh no, what is it?

Harold: They have the new flex pan 1800, I’m sure that food is gonna be top notch.

Elaine: Oh right, the pans.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut to Charlotte’s new apartment)

Charlotte (She’s been calling George for a while now and he isn’t picking up.): Dammit george. (She dials 911) Hello, yeah my boyfriend was supposed to be dropping off my mothers ashes to…, yes my mothers ashes. I understand how that could be weird but he said it’s fi…, yes I do know about the haunted truck. Look, he’s probably on McDaniel road off to the side of the street. Yes I can describe him. He’s small (she takes a slight beat), fat (she takes a longer beat), and bald (she takes the longest beat.). (She hangs up the phone.) Come to think of it, why am I even dating this fool?

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut to the side of the road where George has pulled over.)

George: Should I drive the car to the pound? No, the ghost will sense that I’m trying to put it out to pasture and crash the car. I got it, I’ll call a tow truck and have them take the car away. No I can’t do that that puts the towers life at risk, what do I care about their lives?

Police man (walks up behind George): Mr. Costanza? (The officer touches George on the shoulder.)

George: AHHHHHHH!

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut to Charlotte's new apartment. George walks in holding Charlotte's mothers urn)

Charlotte: George where the hell have you been.

George: I was pulled over on the side of the road.

Charlotte: And why was that? (before Goerge can answer) You know what George, I don't care, you aren’t good enough for me to have to put up with this crap. We’re done, get out of my house.

(George starts to leave with the urn)

Charlotte: And leave the damn urn!

(George puts the urn down and leaves the apartment. Charlotte goes to pick it up.)

Charlotte: Why is this so light? (She opens the urn)

(George is walking down the hallways and clicks his heels in the air to celebrate the breakup when suddenly.)

Charlotte (screaming from her apartment): GEORGE!

(George begins to run and Charlotte gives chase.)

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut back to Morrianoes, There is a clock on the wall that says 7:57)

Harold: God, this food was magnificent, I can tell they used the flex pan 1800.

Elaine: Yeah, it sure is something.

Harold: You know Elaine, I know we’ve only been seeing each other for a couple months but I think these have been the best months of my life. (7:58) (He bends down on one knee) Will you make me the happiest man in the world and take my hand in marriage? (7:59)

Elaine: You know what Harold even though we’ve only known each other for so little time, I’ve got nothing to cling onto that could hold back this relationship. Oh what the hell ye… (8:00)

Harold (interrupting Elaine): (Harold gets a horrifying disgusted look on his face) Oh my god! Your face. (He puts his hands up in front of Elaine's face to shield his eyesight, dropping the ring in the process. He then runs screaming out of the restaurant.)

Elaine: Wait, you dropped the ring! (She picks up the ring and as she turns around the other guests in the restaurant scream with horror and some even faint from the sight of her face.)

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ending 1:

(Cut back to Tom’s Restaurant where George and Jerry are eating.)

George: You know I really don’t think that car is haunted.

Jerry: You don’t say.

George: No I was just enumerated by this girl that I thought her life could invade mine on an even more spiritual level.

(Elaine enters.)

Elaine (with the normal cheek because she's been using the ointment once every hour.): How you doing boys.

Jerry: Did the cheek get better.

Elaine: Nah I’m just using some ointment that Kramer gave me. I’m going to see a face doctor next week.

George: How did the date go?

Elaine: Terrible, he ran out when he saw the cheek. I think I even put a grandma in the hospital. But it’s fine, he tried to propose to me.

Jerry: Ooh Elaine and the pan man. I could see that.

Elaine: I liked him but give it up with the pans already jeez. Well I don’t think there's gonna be any future there now anyway.

(The waitress walks past Elaine, the same one from the beginning of the episode.)

George (calling to the waitress): Hey, aren’t you gonna ask her to get anything?

Waitress: No. Why would I?

(George looks befuddled, as if he’s been beat)

George (grabbing his jacket and putting it on): Well I have to hit the road, can you…

Jerry: Yeah I can get it, you really need to get a job.

George: Hey, maybe I can put you as a reference next time, and you too Elaine.

Elaine: You can leave me out of that.

(George leaves the restaurant and gets into his car.)

(Without putting the key in the ignition, the doors lock and the engine starts.)

The car: Mr. Costanza, you shouldn’t have been so careless with me.

(The car goes full throttle down the road on its own).

George: AHHHHH (into a freeze frame)

End.

George is overjoyed when Marisa Tomei gives him another chance, until he realizes that she has also given him gonorrhea. Jerry becomes increasingly nervous and afraid when a high ranking mafioso becomes one of his biggest fans and starts attending all of his shows at the comedy club, clapping loudly at all of his jokes. Kramer reveals his own criminal past as a bookie in the 1980s Miami underworld and claims that Jerry's mobster fan still owes him money for a bet placed on a football game in 1986. Elaine begins a passionate love affair with Newman, discovering his exceptional skills in the bedroom, but swears him to secrecy out of shame and embarrassment, only for Newman to make a scene publicly breaking up with her.

Scene 1 of 3

J - IDK how or why you wanna fight men in a dirty basement.

K - Jerry, I'm telling you, it feels amazing. I've never been so alive and free.

J - It's disgusting and inhumane.

K - It's beautiful Jerry. Humans at their purest.

J - At one point I saw someone spit on the ground. 10 seconds later two guys were wrestling right on top of the spit!! It's perverse. You're humans, not animals fighting for a mate!

K - We started off as animals in the Jurassic Park era Jerry!

J - You mean the Prehistoric Era?!.... eye roll

K - I'm telling you Jerry, once you try it, life will never be the same. Not to mention, I'm the best fighter there. I'm king of the jungle Jerry! A King Cobra!!

J - Don't you mean a Lion?

K - No, King Cobra...I bite a lot.

Jerry rolls his eyes and walks away

This is when you send a meme to the group chat and someone response "hahaha, oh yeah I saw this too":

Jerry: I told her a joke last night and she laughed but told me she had heard that before.

George: She gave you a pity laugh?

Jerry: A pity laugh!

George: No one likes a pity laugh. That's laugh sloppy seconds.

Jerry: You know what's worse?

George: What?

Jerry: Then she told me "you are hilarious".

George: What's wrong with that?

Jerry: The laugh is how you tell me I'm hilarious. I don't want to hear it out loud.

George: You laugh if it's funny. End of story.

Jerry: End of story.

George: She explained why you were funny.

Jerry: She did. If you have to explain it, it wasn't funny.

George: Nope. Not funny anymore. If someone tells you they think you are hilarious, you absolutely are not.

Jerry: It's the laugh kiss of death.

I wanted it to be Mickey Mantle but realized it might be too "similar" to the Kramer story. Not sure who else he's a fan of that we don't seen on the show.

(He could also pretend like the doppelganger is his brother or something..either way!)

Edit: I could also imagine, Elaine laughing at him when retelling the first story and saying he's a fan. And Jerry doing the whole "why does it matter what he thinks? It's not like he knows you or that you're going to become friends.." or something the lines of that. Which George gives a typical him retort to.

Also I imagine him showing pictures of potential actors/lookalikes (he's gotten through somewhere like Craigslist) to Jerry when trying to pick one. One of them looks somewhat like a Hollywood hunk, just bald. George says to Jerry, that he thinks he might be the prefect match, but doesn't end up going with him after Jerry's comeback.

Jerry overanalyzses the discography of 60s/70s soft pop band The Bee Gees especially their 1966 hit "Spicks and Specks going into creepy spine crawling overanalytical detail while talking about it to Newman right into his ear

JERRY:"the spicks... and the sssspecks huh Newman? the small mundane minutia of life summarized women , weather emotions rolled into one innocent little package where is that sun that shone on my head huh? the sun in my life it is dead it is dead like you will be you tubby mailman

NEWMAN: "i-i-im a postal worker Jerry"

JERRY: difference is negligable Newman CLOCKS TICKING *bulges eyes and does a evil laugh*

JERRY: you know the Gibb brothers were societal observers like modern observational comics women problems , the day to day hustle most people think they are nice to listen to but they really don't listen to the lyrics HEY NEWMAN CATCH! AAAGH!

*fade into Spicks and Specks playing as Jerry hacks up Newman with a axe and overkills him*

JERRY: GOODBYE...NEWMAN!

Puddy has The Beach Boys and Newman has The Monkees

KRAMER: "ok Mr Tommy James and the Shondells you can support your stupid love song band i mean what the hell even is a Shondell?" *mockingly squints and does a high pitched voice version of I Think Were Alone Now*

JERRY: "Kramer Grateful Dead aren't even relevent anymore outside of Deadheads and stoned hipsters you think people go out their day and say boy i think i'll listen to the greatest hits of The Grateful Dead they only had two big hits Casey Jones and Touch Of Grey and some minor hits and besides Jerry Garcia is long gone Kramer Tommy James is still alive at least"

GEORGE: "well it could be worse you could like a sickly manufactured TV band *cough cough* The Monkees"

NEWMAN: "HOW DARE YOU COSTANZA! IT TAKES A LOTTA NERVE COMING FROM A SELF PROFESSED THE TURTLES "FAN"

ELAINE: "god that Jim Morrison was uper dreamy and gorgeous"
JERRY: well hop on a plane to Paris Lainey he's got some pretty stoned company (referring to Morrison being buried in France)

KRAMER: you guys need to act your age 60s pop-rock isn't cool man Grateful Dead is psychadelic rock you guys should be into 70s and 80s stuff your younger than me *shrugs*

ELAINE: well i do like Eurythmics

GEORGE: Harry Nilsson may be the greatest voice ever

JERRY: can't go past Neil Diamond gotta support " The Jewish Elvis"

KRAMER: yeah Neil Diamond is pretty good but i was more of a Engelbert Humperdinck kinda guy

ELAINE: always thought the ABBA girls were gorgeous so i go with them i guess

PUDDY: THE WHO OH YEAAAH!!!

NEWMAN: i like the abstract style of Talking Heads

Jerry really likes it when his girlfriend Courtney uses the potato filter and says "potato potato potato" over and over again while she dances as the potato; he can't decide if it's sexier or if it's funnier. Kramer is upset because Elsie Fisher looks and acts nothing like Kayla Day, her character from Eighth Grade, and starts trolling her online. Elaine becomes a hot tubs, pools and beaches streamer on Twitch, but only manages to attract the 60+ crowd. George starts looking for excuses for taking days off of work on a semi-daily basis.

JERRY: "oh sure it starts with a sportsman Keith Hernandez for example then you move onto a guy who looks like Brando but talks like Elvis in David Puddy whos next Conway Twitty?"
KRAMER: "he's dead Jerry died 4 years ago"

ELAINE: "thats besides the point James Hetfield is just so manly and gorgeous argh he must be a AMAZING lover Jer!"

JERRY: ew you've ruined Metallica for me Elaine get your filthy mind elsewhere

Elaine (seductively): ok Jerome you wanna piece of Lainey pie you can... always ask (giggles)

(this episode would take place in 1997 obviously)

​

I mean it's sorta big... But so much of the ship is below the water. Outside of eye sight Jerry.

Kramer reveals he inherited a time share and still owns it despite never paying anything. Jerry plans to stay there for a comedy show in Miami. He buys a plane ticket but it is bumped from first class to coach. He is seated next to a Palestinian man who takes over the armrest despite having the aisle seat.

Jerry argues that they can both fit in the armrest and it'll be a little snug but they can make do. The man insists that there is only room for 1 of them and despite Jerry being bumped to the middle seat by the stewardess, insists he deserves it for himself. He tells Jerry he would rather die and have Jerry take the whole armrest than share. An argument ensues and the whole plane is prevented from taking off as the entire flight gets involved.

George thinks his personal trainer is perfect. He never gets warmed up conversationally until the end of the workout though, and that's when she makes him train extremely hard. He suspects she wants to avoid him asking her out.

Elaine thinks Peterman is involved in a MLM scheme and tries to save him, but he is wildly successful. All her coworkers sign on and she feels pressured.

George feels he is embarrassed and is made a fool of when a street performer makes him the butt of a joke and his girlfriend laughs. He plans to ruin a big performance during an upcoming holiday with lots of foot traffic. He seeks Jerry's advice on what makes a good heckler and brings his favorite "scheming snacks" while they spend a full day plotting.

Elaine openly tells her boyfriend she will not support him if he becomes a magician. He reveals himself a very shrewd and wealthy investor who doesn't even need a job. She has to decide whether the extravagant life is worth the embarrassment of dating a magician. He seems very skilled but she can't get over his cape and hat.

Kramer and his new crew travel the city starting rap battles. Kramer's physical reactions to great insults and rhymes make him a coveted hype man as various crews try to recruit him.

On the day of his revenge, George accidentally targets Elaine's boyfriend instead and ruins his first ever performance. He thinks Elaine sabotaged it and dumps her when in actuality she had become mesmerized by his practice tricks and secretly loved it.

After ruining the show, George triumphantly turns to his girlfriend only to have Kramer's new MC lay into him and make George the victim of a roast in front of a large crowd and a TV camera.

Jerry ignores everyone's problems and stays in his apartment. He has spent hundreds of dollars on every brand of milk and milk substitutes to combine them with various cereals to replicate the taste he loves.

He seeks Newman's help as Newman reveals he has a secret to make all cereal taste good regardless of milk. After Jerry performs abhorrent tasks like scrubbing Newman's toilet and taking out his trash, Newman reveals that he uses heavy cream and sugar...

Jerry gets a call from his doctor advising he does not have a dairy allergy, and that he actually stomach issues due to George not washing his hands properly before handling food.

Yah.

The elderly relative is now retired, but thinks that Kramer's youthful energy and outsider status can galvanize his former employees to fight off a takeover bid by a large conglomerate.

George is super hungry and accidentally crosses a picket line in front of a pizza joint, inadvertently picking sides in a long-running war between two food service unions.

Elaine travels out to Los Angeles with Jerry while he has a residency in a famous Hollywood comedy club. They both get fed up with SoCal culture and decide to go on a weekend escape to go camping in the desert, but they get lost on the first day.

ELAINE: "you know Jer he's doing the whole HO HO HO! thing George does he's just way over the top in bed he even does that stupid line George does when women ask him what he's doing sexually "pleasuring you?" UGH its just so awful Jerry you gotta tell George to change it up a little he's ruining my sex life!"

JERRY: "look Lainey this sucks right but i gotta tell ya it ain't my problem so uh go see somebody else to deal with this as i can't help someone out i don't respect your absolutely filthy like you look like you have resting i had good sex last night face it weirds me out too much"

ELAINE: UGH KRAMER! CAN YOU COME HERE JERRY WON'T HELP ME OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEND
KRAMER: "alright Elaine so you got guy troubles just dump the poor bastard he'll realise he won't be able to find someone with your Theda Bara/Rita Hayworth physique"

ELAINE: Theda Bara who's that?

KRAMER: oh VERY famous silent movie actress most of her movies were destroyed in a fire *smokes cigar* she was the original Cleopatra you know Elaine 1920s sex symbol

ELAINE: well Kramer i'm flattered that you think of me only as a skanky sex object and not a woman with thoughts in her head lay off the pipe Grandpa Munster it will do you a world of good you look like a burnt carpet

KRAMER: ouch Elaine Grandpa Munster he's hideous!

JERRY: (sarcastically): ah yes because Kramer would have watched hours upon hours of a 60s sitcom with his poor apartment setup whats next you think i'm a mix of Colonel Klink and Sergeant Schultz *waves hands* "i know nuthink!"

ELAINE: oh Jerry you stupid neurotic disaster *shakes head*

GEORGE: *opens door* "Kramer , Lainey , Jerry *claps hands together* so my buddy Steve and i are going to a Jerry Lewis movie marathon in the city

JERRY: oh yeah they're playing Damn Yankees right?

GEORGE: NO THAT WAS THE GUY FROM MY FAVOURITE MARTIAN JERRY

JERRY: Bill Bixby?

GEORGE: NO RAY WALSTON!

ELAINE (doing a Diana Fossey mimic): whatever Lola wants Lola gets

GEORGE: alright turn it down a notch Elaine it wasn't that promsicuous was it?

ELAINE: oh yeah it was Georgie you got a little crush on Diana Fossey don't you?
KRAMER: well he obviously couldn't say Tab Hunter now could he?

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