Edit, people are not believing this story, that this is a fake. Nope, the story is as true as it gets, I just changed the name of the involved persons and made the conversation a bit more cheesy. Sources at the end of the story.

This is the German version of "The Pentagon Wars". I wrote this a couple of years ago in German and let DeepL translate it. I fear it gets any minute deleted because it too real for r/ncd but too unreal for r/credibledefence. Well, I'll forward it also to r/lazerpig for those who care.

The Pregnant PUMA

Major Klaus Krieger prided himself on being a soldier first and everything else second. He wasn’t one for politics or paperwork, but as the head of the PUMA Infantry Fighting Vehicle project, he had been dragged into more meetings than battles in recent years. And this morning's briefing? It was shaping up to be the worst yet.

The conference room smelled faintly of burnt coffee and stale ambition. Across the table sat Colonel Dieter Schmitt, a bureaucrat so uptight his uniform creased itself out of sheer fear of displeasing him. Next to him, Dr. Anna Wunderlich, the Ministry of Defense's newly appointed diversity officer, adjusted her glasses with enthusiasm that seemed entirely out of place for a defense contractor meeting.

Klaus leaned back in his chair, arms crossed, as Colonel Schmitt cleared his throat. "Major Krieger," Schmitt began, his voice as dry as the Bundeswehr’s coffee. "We have a new operational mandate for the PUMA. It must… accommodate all potential combatants. Everyone."

Klaus raised an eyebrow. "Everyone? It’s a tank, not a taxi."

Dr. Wunderlich leaned forward, her eyes gleaming like a kindergarten teacher explaining finger painting to skeptical parents. "Major, inclusivity is the cornerstone of our modern army. That means the PUMA must be able to safely transport highly pregnant women into combat zones."

Klaus blinked. Then he blinked again. Surely, he’d misheard. "Pregnant women? In a tank? While under fire?"

"Exactly!" Wunderlich beamed as though Klaus had just solved an equation. "We’re setting a new global standard for inclusivity in military operations."

Klaus rubbed his temples. "Ma’am, with all due respect, pregnant women shouldn’t be anywhere near a combat zone, let alone inside an IFV."

Wunderlich’s smile didn’t waver. "That’s why the PUMA needs to be safe, Major. To ensure their well-being in even the harshest conditions."

Over the next ten years, the PUMA project devolved into a bureaucratic circus. Every practical design element was scrutinized, debated, and either vetoed or painstakingly modified to fit the new "inclusive" standards. The engineers were forced to make the crew compartment larger, "for leg space," and add a state-of-the-art air conditioning system, "to prevent overheating." The turret was redesigned to ensure it wouldn’t jostle an imaginary pregnant passenger. And, of course, a bottle warmer was installed in the crew compartment, because—why not?

By the time the PUMA rolled off the assembly line, it was a masterpiece of compromise. Twice as expensive as the original budget, it was equipped with some of the most advanced features ever seen in an IFV. Unfortunately, few of them involved combat. The PUMA was now the most baby-friendly tank in the world, complete with reclining seats and a suspension system so smooth it could have been a luxury car.

And then came the kicker.

Shortly after the PUMA was declared combat-ready, the military issued a policy forbidding the transportation of pregnant personnel in combat zones. The entire point of the redesign—every bottle warmer, every ergonomic seat, every centimeter of extra legroom—was rendered moot with a single memo.

"It’s for their safety," Colonel Schmitt explained during the final review meeting, looking remarkably unbothered by the irony. "Pregnant soldiers shouldn’t be in combat zones. But the PUMA is still a triumph of engineering!"

Klaus was tempted to throw his coffee mug at Schmitt but settled for glaring at the man instead. "So we’ve spent a decade and billions of euros to build a tank that can babysit no one?"

Schmitt shrugged. "Well, the air conditioning is top-notch."

The PUMA was finally adopted by the Bundeswehr, albeit ten years behind schedule. On paper, it was a capable infantry fighting vehicle. In practice, it was a very expensive, very comfortable box on tracks. Soldiers quickly discovered that the extra space and air conditioning in the crew compartment wasn’t terribly useful for combat operations, but it was perfect for poker games during downtime.

"Deal me in," Private Uwe Hofmann said, squeezing into the circle. The crew had folded down the bottle warmer to use it as a makeshift card table. The hum of the air conditioning provided a pleasant backdrop to the clink of poker chips and the occasional muttered curse.

"You know," Hofmann mused as he shuffled the cards, "this thing’s not half bad. Plenty of legroom, great AC, and it doesn’t shake you to death like the old Marder."

"Yeah," another soldier chimed in, "we might not win wars, but at least we’ll be well-rested."

The crew laughed, though Klaus—now promoted to General—did not join in. He stood at the back of the compartment, arms crossed, watching his soldiers play cards in the vehicle he’d spent a decade fighting to build. He had to admit, the PUMA wasn’t a total disaster. It was functional, reliable, and, yes, surprisingly comfortable. But every time he saw that damn bottle warmer, he felt a pang of frustration at how the project had turned into a monument to bureaucratic absurdity.

Dr. Wunderlich, of course, declared the PUMA a "resounding success." She retired shortly after the vehicle’s adoption to write a memoir about her time in government, titled Tanks for Everyone: How Inclusivity Won the Day. Klaus never read it.

The PUMA became a fixture of the Bundeswehr, its quirks gradually accepted as part of military life. It was a decent IFV, though it was hard to shake the lingering sense of what could have been. Klaus often wondered how history would remember the PUMA. As a triumph of engineering? A cautionary tale about military procurement? Or simply a really expensive poker lounge with tracks?

One thing was certain: in the annals of warfare, no tank would ever have a better bottle warmer.

---

Sources:

https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puma_(Sch%C3%BCtzenpanzer)

https://www.faz.net/aktuell/wirtschaft/unternehmen/puma-panzer-buerokratie-und-sonderwuensche-verteuern-und-verzoegern-13405087.html