Are there other people out there who feel like there not built for this loud world. So much interaction. So many conversations. I'm a strong thinker, but a slow one. Not slow as in incapable or unintelligent but slow as in information gathering and slow processing which in my real life leads to delayed responding or responses that are "off the cuff" and not well thought out. At some point in my early formative years I made the mental paradigm mistake of trying to adapt myself to fit the expectations of the people and world around me instead of working to make the world around me make sense for me. It's a subtle difference but over the years it's had a profound affect on my life. The proof is in the pudding so to speak. I've never worked for money in a way that didn't feel like work. I have no friends. Only acquaintances and coworkers. But these are just casual interactions. Nobody knows me but me. Not even my family. I find myself well into adulthood, trapped inside myself. The solitude of my own thoughts is the only place where the cage comes down. The mental tools I've created to interact in this reality were chosen by a child who didn't comprehend why everything around him moved so quickly and moments and opportunities flashed by before he had a chance to respond. In time he found solitude was the only place he felt like his true self. I'm fine in the lull moments of life or when allowed time to think the situation through and go with a chosen response. But in those moments that arise that can't be planned for; from the once in a blue moon opportunity to flirt with a interesting pretty lady to just a work conversation, I just can't seem to consistantly say the things I want to say. It's maddening how many of these common interactions end up with me "wishing" I'd said the thing that my thinking mind produced seconds/minutes later, or just nothing at all. Over the years I've become increasingly desperate for companionship which has led to me being more of a shock value conversationalist. I might say things I don't even mean just to get the momentary attention it'll give. I've tried medicating myself over the years. Alcohol and drugs. Mixed results. I'm not sure how much longer I want to be here. I recently worked out a relatively painless way to go. I'm not seriously considering it anytime imminently though I do fear how this knowledge, marinating inside my thoughts, will become more and more...The Way. I'm not sure how much energy I have left to keep living this lonely existence I've created for myself.

TLDR; just another middle aged man looking over his own past's shoulder wondering if it was nature or nurture that deemed he be so alone.

I can’t seem to get up from my bed. Or even type this, I just want time to pass. Just want to get a job. I don’t know if I’ll be happy even after I get a job, but I know right now I don’t have good friends. My boyfriend is dealing with shit on his own, and I can’t share my problems with anyone, I feel so dumb like I’m begging everyone to help me all the fucking time. Being a woman in a tech space is fucking cruel. Other girls in the space literally step all over you, any chance they get. Fucking cut throat competition. I don’t feel like eating until 4 PM in the day. I don’t eat for 16 hours straight. I don’t feel like cooking anything or listening to music or watching a movie or having an ice cream or even pleasuring myself. I just want to sleep and forget all my problems. I want to get out of this terrible house with pathetic roommates, and I just want someone to see the ability in me like they did when I was a kid. I feel like I am just a waste of resource of time and money.

No puedo más, acabo de discutir con mi pareja, y ya estoy harta de vivir, cada día es peor que el anterior y solo quiero acabar con todo.

Tengo un bote de pastillas al lado mío y cada vez me planteo más tomármelo entero, no sé si me matará pero no pierdo nada intentándolo.

I can’t take it anymore; I just had an argument with my partner, and I’m tired of living. Each day is worse than the last, and I just want to end it all.

I have a bottle of pills next to me, and I’m thinking more and more about taking them all. I don’t know if it will kill me, but I feel like I have nothing to lose by trying.

I’m not able move over someone who I have feelings for

When does it get better. Im so close to just being done with everything, But i cant do it yet. Its like theres something holding me back. I think its because i cant leave my family. But the idea of finally just peace and zero suffering is one of the happiest things ive ever thought. I just want to be gone. Please please please, J just want to leave. I know it might get better later, But everytime it gets better, it just gets so much worse. And i cant fight this pain anymore.

There are 3 distinct levels of depression for me. I know it’s not the same for everyone

1. The most common form is also the least severe. It comes with a general flattening of the world. I lose the receptivity that allows me to feel strongly about anything. Activities I enjoy hold little attraction. I feel somewhat numb and dumb.

2. A more physiological stage, where even simple movements take a lot of effort. Reward centers are not working at all. I have no appetite. Getting though the day and the tasks required of me is extremely difficult. Most of the features of 1 are also present.

These first two are largely subtractive. It’s like pieces of me are missing. The third is different

3. This is far more extreme than the others. It comes with a burning pain unlike anything else. It in no way resembles sadness. Similar to a toothache, I cannot think about anything else. My mind is full of repetitive dark phrases and I’m just waiting out the clock to run out. It’s hard to be still. Thankfully it doesn’t happen very often.

These states come over me without reason. It is unlike anxiety which usually has triggers. I try to think of them as you would when you are sick with a virus. Mitigate symptoms if possible and tell myself it will pass

anyone with depression, what’s something that would be nice to hear from someone. that would make you feel seen and acknowledged

I have been experiencing the lose of interest in doing any tasks and even no mood or drive to exercise. I am feeling like this regularly recently, there nothing else to do during these times, but to just wait for the wave to move. So that I can regain the focus back. Pain has become really unbearable with body saying this is too much for me. I feel like I want to cry, but there is agony or anger inside me that wants to scream out loud and smash and break things. I can't even cry or scream... maybe I think I am not in the safe place for these kind of expressions. This makes to question my reality and thought of "what to fight for?" comes to my mind. Would love to hear some thoughts and ideas.

Hello nothing is better then when my seasonal depression kicks in. It’s hard to talk to people being around people it’s just over all draining. Tbh the only good thing about this all is that I can’t live forever, in the mean time I have to deal with this feeling. The best way I can describe it will be like an Alien vs Predator movie when the Aliens pop out of the human body. I understand that it’s here with me until I’m no more…. Doing things that are supposed to help with my happiness isn’t doing it. I’m really in autopilot mode disassociating to the max….. Thanks for hearing me vent

Hey- I’m 26. For education I have nothing. Been a factory worker the past 2 years. Burned out in high school then failed college.

I have an idea for what I want to do. Only problem is it’s going to take me until age 29 or 30 to get into the field, which means at 30 I’ll be where most people are at when they’re 21.

Being inferior isn’t just a pride thing- it limits your options, it limits your relationships. It’s hard to be motivated knowing that regardless of how hard you work, you are worse than 99% of the population.

It’s hard to not be resentful of the average person.

How I am supposed to care how well I do in life when I hate myself?

Whenever I think my mental health can’t get any worse I reach new levels of low . My life is an absolute mess . I genuinely hate living . I am alone , unemployed and miserable . I feel very irritable most days . I have been unemployed for almost two years now and feel like a complete failure and loser at life . I have no energy to do things most of the time . I have barely any money. I can’t cope and just want it to all be over . Life is just constant suffering. Every single day is a struggle and never ending difficulty . I cannot cope with this

I feel like nothing is going right in life. I'm in the middle of a divorce and she's already moved on. How does someone just throw 15 years away like that? It makes me feel like it was all worthless, like I just wasted almost half my life. I feel like I need to talk to people but she pushed all my friends away years ago. I'm on my own. The few people I do talk to I feel like I'd be burdening them with my sad existence and don't want to do that. I just dont know what to do anymore. We still live together but she stayed at his house last night. I couldn't sleep and just dont know how to process my life currently.

Content: I'm in college and i suspect i've been depressed since I hit puberty. Unfortunately it was really hard for anyone to notice and i think it still is. My grades never suffered because of it. I was a straight A student until today. I did self harm in ways that didn't leave a physical mark on my body, (I was afraid of anything more) so i had no scars to explain and no reason to worry friends or teachers. My mom threatened to pull me out of school and have me sent to a psych ward if i did it again. She hates psych wards and made them sound as scary as possible. I never had a big public breakdown like i thought depressed people would. I no longer want to harm myself and don't have the energy for that sort of thing. It scares me and triggers me without a doubt. But life still sucks terribly, and I don't know how to feel. I wonder if I had acted out more, if I had been more of a bad kid, that I would have received more help then I have today. I'm frustrated. No visible signs that I am depressed, and no proof for others that I need help. I'm still someone who gets their work done and looks fairly normal on the outside. It sucks and I hate it. I'm only just staring therapy and only because it's free. I cant afford it otherwise and don't have a a job. I feel like if I say the wrong thing i'm going to get locked up in a ward like my mom told me. Shit is tiring and I feel physically ill all the time. I cant tell my friends, who are also depressed, because I feel manipulative. I feel like a bad, selfish person for wanting someone to notice me and save me, for constantly thinking "What about me?" whenever feelings come up. I am drowning in hatred of myself.

Idk why i feel like this. Ive tried to overdose every night for the last 3 days. And i know that if i take one more pill i would actually react to what im doing. But im just too scared too. So now im a failure because of everything i do, And i cant even do the one thing i want to do. What is wrong with me. I wish i could somehow tell my mom that I tried to overdose but that doesnt come up naturally. She knows that im not the best right now, But she doesnt know how far gone i actually am. I just wish i could feel this numb forever. I dont want to necessarily die. I just want a break from this pain and world. I just want peace. At 15. Im normally a really bubbly and energetic person. I feel like im the ladt person people would suspect to feel like this, So they dont reach out. Not realizing how bad i actually am. I just dont want to feel anything anymore.

I just started my new winter term at my school. Last term, I took a class that was tough by two different professors. Their styles were drastically different. For their final exam I studied very hard. I spent hours in my room every day for a week, trying to get the material down. Down when I took the exam, I was very underprepared. It turns out, nobody else was either. My classmates, and I believe that there was not very very much communication between my two instructors.

My professors ended up upgrading the exam on a curve. And I still got a D+. Today, I had a phone call with the director of my program. She said that I was very lucky that they graded on a curve, because if they didn’t, I would not be in the program. I know I should just be happy that I was given a chance, but it still devastates me that I could’ve been kicked out. I just feel so stupid. maybe there have been one or two other classmates of mine that were also in the same predicament, but I know most of my classmates weren’t like that at all.

My life isn't even that tragic, but I struggle with depressive disorder since being a literal kid. It's hereditary, so I just came to this world with this and fuck me.

Thing is, my crucial academic period (the transition between High School and College) was heavily, and I mean heavily fucked by the pandemic. My depression became so much worse that my cognitive capacities were BAD, my memory lasted literal minutes.

I've been better, but now I'm stuck not having a degree, not being able to find a job, and not being too able to study because my treatment barely even started to pace up.

My brothers are geniuses, an engineer and a teacher. They have amazing curriculum and are the stars of the family. and me? I'm just a little worm taking up space.

I guess I just needed to vent? but I'm struggling so much with having the bare minimum compassion for myself. It is becoming a much bigger of a disorder. I try to eat much less so I don't waste food on myself, don't drink as much water so it's not wasted on me, try to be out most of the time so I don't up the energy bill.

At this point I really do feel like it'd much easier to just, you know. and the act of Living feels so much like torture. I don't know what I should feel. Or do. I just wish I wasn't myself.

What do you do when you can barely fake it anymore? I need to work and make a living but I’m so tired all the time.

I want to know how depression ultimately gets worse. How can you go from functioning and still having goals to almost completely unmotivated and lost? What causes you to fall into an even lower state and maintain those levels unlike before?

The best example I can use to describe this is that I was alone all of my first year of university, and I came to terms with it. Now, I am somehow more erratic and can't stand loneliness unlike how I could tolerate it everyday.

I hope what I'm asking makes sense. My depression used to be mild, but it somehow developed into more moderate and it's actually starting to impact my life.

Deadass, is it sorta like brain damage overtime?

This will be the last thing I leave on the internet. I’ve lived for 32 years, enough time to know I’m not meant for this anymore. I’ve no job, no money and no future plans. No one, not even my own mother knows… I was molested as a child and that trauma has finally caught up to me. I will be ending my life before the years out and it’s to feel peace and silence. It can’t be helped, I can’t be helped. I know I’ll be breaking a lot of hearts out there, life can’t help so it’s time everyone just let me go. Sorry I wasn’t the best brother, son, boyfriend (ex-boyfriend, or even a friend.

I’ll leave this one thing for my friend Josh A. Thanks for being my friend while I was still sane.

See ya around and GGs!

My partner and I broke up. The one truly healthy relationship I’ve ever been in and I fucked it up because I’m a bipolar alcoholic. I can’t even try to reach out because they deserve so much better than what I can do or be.

over the last year and a half I feel like I've lost everything. I ended up dropping a majority of my friends who were absolutely not good to me and I thought id find people who genuinely love and care for me but im so alone. I know I'd rather be alone than with people who disrespect me but recently it's just been so difficult it's like no matter how hard I try I'm meant to be alone. I'm thankful for my boyfriend but it's just not the same and idk what to do. I'm struggling to find a job so I can't make work friends, I've tried apps but nothing has ever rlly stuck. I know ill eventually find people I just don't know what's so wrong with me where nobody wants to be my genuinely friend lol. Just a vent, I hope you guys are having a better day than I am ♡

I’m numb as I type this. My life has been spiraling over the last few months but everything really hit the wall when I got into a car accident 2 weeks ago and totaled my car because someone decided to turn left while my light was green. Ever since then, I’ve been reliant on weed, clonazepam and alcohol to cope with how I feel. I’ve been silently fighting addiction to alcohol for the last year and now it’s only gotten worse. I’m filled with so much rage, I’m constantly lashing out at my partner and causing arguments.. pushing him away although I just want him to be there for me.

My partner doesn’t seem to understand me or maybe I don’t understand him. The things he says as advice or to be “helpful” aren’t helpful at all. I feel judged and unheard. I feel like I’m crying out for help and nobody is listening. I want nothing more than to feel at peace within myself. I want nothing more than to be happy. I feel like I’m slowly self destructing and killing myself.. I’m unable to efficiently function in my daily life. I recently switched jobs because I thought my old job environment was making me feel worse but I’ve realized that I’m the problem and everything is internal. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have ADHD and I take my Adderall as instructed.. it’s not working anymore. Even if the happiness and normalcy only lasted a few hours, It felt good to feel alive again. I don’t know what to do. I’m destroying my life and self sabotaging.. I’m fully aware but I feel like I have no control. I’ve lost all control..

I thought about it a lot today, I pulled out my gun, took the safety off, and cocked it. I don’t know why I didn’t do it cause I think about it all the time. Literally everyday.

I failed too much and my brain is torturing me. I want to relax, but I can't.

I don't know what to do. I am over thinking too much.

Not looking for genuine diagnosis or anything but I’m trying to grasp what separates depression from feeling down for extended periods of time, if there is a significant difference.

I’m not trying to invalidate anything so please excuse my ignorance.

Basically over the past few years everything has gotten less and less enjoyable and interesting. I care less and less about what’s going on with mutuals aka fake/fair-weather friends and simply have less and less energy to spend on anything.

The thing I used to absolutely love I now merely like. What I like I feel nothing for. Everything is less and less likely to produce an emotional response in me.

I feel like a shell of the person I once knew myself to be but it’s been so long that I doubt the reality of it in the first place.

Take this as a stab in the dark but if anyone has any insight I’d love to hear it, because I’m simply tired, and the bad thought some more as the years go by.

I left a few years ago cause I was finally doing ok but hahaha look who's back. RFK wants to put me in a farm work camps because I take antidepressants and it's super fucking cool that everyone voted for that. I'm doing really great guys I definitely am not jealous of the dead

I cried when I went to bed, I woke up crying again. I cried on the way to work, and I’m currently crying on my break.

This has never happened. I usually cry at night, but never throughout the whole day.

I think this is where I’ve given up.

I was advised to do a PHQ-9 by someone on Reddit and after doing so I received a score of 15. The score might be slightly higher or lower as I'm not sure if I answered every question perfectly accurately but assuming my score is exactly 15, does that classify me as depressed or is it just a case where having a medical looking into it is advised? I haven't heard of this test before and I'd like some help with this. Thanks