in my whole life, as much as i could try, i could never succeed in anything.
An entire life of being a loser and an idiot to people who'll always think i am beneath them (family as much as friends , colleagues and strangers) i always try to be good and do good things but i always end up regretting being too nice to others at the end.
I can't do anything normally , i can't speak properly without stuttering or mispronouncing easy words, i can't stand still without moving any part of my body in any direction possible and i can't maintain a basic human conversation , i feel like just some guy to my friends and a nuissance to everyone and can understand that maybe without my presence things would be less complicated for others.
I also wished i was not as stupid as i am and didn't had the attention spend of a goldfish , i can't understand most instructions correctly even when i my best.

Thanks you for reading through all my weirdly arranged text (sorry english is not my native language but i hope it's understandable).

Everyday consists of me feeding myself, going to school or doing nothing all day and no one loves me at all. I am sick of it. Life is boring and pointless. I am just keeping myself alive at this point. I have gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia too which makes it a struggle to live in my ugly body. How do I die peacefully?

I feel my day to day life is just leading anywhere. I dont feel like I have a part to play in the things to come. I dont see myself getting married or having children. I look for reasoning to push forward but I am struggling. Does anyone have any advice to offer

I don’t even really like writing this right now because it seems kinda dumb. But do you ever feel really depressed but it’s too awkward to tell anyone. Like you don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable so you just be silly throughout it all and then at the end of the day you’re left alone like fk. And it’s actually really like really bad but you’re just permanently the silly guy so like you can never tell anyone or else they’ll look at you weird.

Life’s such a massive joke. I already drank, I smoked. I did all types of shit but I can’t stop thinking about this slut who cheated on me

Im thinking about taking one these pills to sleep but I was drinking earlier so idk it’s a good idea. I really just want to sleep so I don’t think about her tho

It's been 6 weeks since I lost all motivation to get out of bed, to go out, to go to work, and do other stuffs that I love before. I just realized that no matter how genuine and sincere you can be to others, there will still be unexpected people in your life that would only want to keep you just for their convenience and would only use you for their own selfish goals. After they got what they needed, you're just like some trash that didn't exist. This really hurts the most especially if the person you didn't expect was the one whom you poured your heart the most.

Not only was my heart and my trust broken but also my hope for love. It's always been this kind of situation since college, which was 9 years ago. But the pain that I'm feeling now is the worst pain I ever felt in my whole life. I can't sleep for more than 2 hours just because of having so many WHY'S in my head even though I take sleeping pills. Like I just want to swallow all of it in 1 take just to see if I can get the peaceful sleep I want and hope to never wake up again. Because I can't seem to understand why I always wind up in this situation.

All I'm thinking is what's the loss of one genuine life if the world is full of shitty people.

anyone else here transgender and exhausted from their experience?

Just a rant but I've been in a pretty bad place recently quit my job and I've been bedrotting. Everyone around me is finally graduating Uni and I don't even know what to major in. I've fallen behind and I'm falling apart. It's like watching the car crash you're in on slow motion. Spent so much time trying to find an ounce of reason to just keep moving forward and when I've finally reach that summit where I'm just content with being me. I've long been left behind. Kinda stinks you know? Well what can I do except get lost in this fog of doubt.

I’ve barely managed the bare minimum. I have skipped all my classes, i have not studied once even tho exams are coming up, i haven’t met any friends in about 2 months. For the past 3-4 weeks, i have done nothing except for lay in bed the entire day, curtains closed, sleep, eat and rot and stare at my phone. Barely managed to shower, brush my teeth and brush my hair. Most days didn’t even change out of my sweatspants. Only left the house to buy food and go to therapy (at least that was still possible). But no one in my life gets it. I don’t even tell my parents because they get angry quickly and blame me for not getting off my ass. I tried opening up to someone from uni who asked why i wasn’t attending anymore. But when i told him i wasn’t feeling good and barely make it out of bed everyday he was like „lol why are YOU exhausted you don’t even come to class“ and i was like yeah no shit that’s the issue.

I live a fairly fine life, a good house, and food to eat, not rich or anything but not poor either. I am well-loved by my family so it amazes me why I push them away and can't show affection. Ever since I was a tween I have always felt some sort of misery. It was so sudden you would have thought a nefarious witch came and cursed me. I wouldn't consider myself a good person, quite the opposite actually. I have worked on getting better, disregarding my insensitivity, and bettering my inferiority complex but little has made a difference. Because even though I am extremely sensitive to others' feelings in a way, I tend to still be indifferent when they show me, love. I have no real life skills as a teenager as a result of being spoiled my whole life. Almost everything has been given to me in a platter, and I take it always with a grain of salt. I have fairly good friends, but I lost most of them because of my personality. During quarantine, my whole mentality rotated to a 360° I was badly influenced and out of control. And now that whole demented persona is just stuck. The main reason I want to die is because I feel like I am better off dead. I don't bring anything to the house instead of being a student and attending school. But other than that, I am truly a burden. I can't do house chores without people telling me to because I feel judged. I don't know why and how. My looks also play a part, I am extremely unsettling to look at, and I do not have the best personality either as mentioned. I have so many imperfections I don't even look human, no matter how much I try to see it. I feel like I disgrace the world just by existing. To add fire to the fuel, I don't have any good talents, I don't sing, or dance, and the best I could do is get an above-average grade in the class. It bothers me how I can be "good" but can't be the "best" in academics. The only passion I have is reading, I love to read. But of course, all good things come to an end, and I have been little by little reaching a slump. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to do.

It's like I am a body without a soul. Maybe I have been programmed this way my whole life, I cannot think of a single trauma that can cause this. I don't know what I did in my past life to end up in this state. I truly believe I am better off dead.

I don't want anyone to pity me and I don't expect anyone to. I just wanted to get this off my chest and share my experience. To those who are experiencing the same thing, know you are not alone.

Just survived another sui cide attempt...

I fucking hate Everyday I wake up, everytime I even try to get out of bed I end up laying there…for 2 hours max or until my mom tells me to get up. And when she does get me up it’s usually to babysit or some other bullshit, which I hate so fucking much. I hate my family, I hate my fucking siblings, I resent everyone around me, it hurts. I wanna either kill someone around me or myself. I want to be happy so fucking bad, but I can’t even do that. Hell I can’t even feel sad sometimes, which I wish I do because then at least I’d feel something. It fucking hurts to do anything at this point, I just wish I could lay in my bed without being called lazy, I wish I could just be as unavailable as possible to my family because I don’t want to see them. im fucking friendless, I’m a loser, I’m fucked up. Not to mention the sheer stupidity of my parents to tell me to just pray to god when I told them I think I have mental health issues because heaven forbid I do anything that doesn’t benefit them amirite??? I want to kill myself, I’ve layered out a plan in my head yet I’m unsure if I should act on it. my mom is pregnant, and I’m not even happy for her, when she talks about her baby I just think that it would be better if she miscarries, or it would be better if she was dead as a whole. I hate how i think, I really fucking hate it. I’m pathetic.

Like the title says, I’m so tired of everything. Being depressed fucking sucks. I feel like I don’t have anyone in my life that would listen and take me seriously when I’m talking about my problems. My mum just says you are 23, how can you be depressed when you didn’t even experience life! There will be harder times that just a heartbreak! There are people that have cancer or people that are homeless! You can be lucky to have a roof over your head! How can you not be happy? Don’t you fucking think I don’t know that? Then one day it gets better and I’m laughing, and suddenly everybody thinks I’m okay. Cuz you can’t laugh when you are depressed right?

When I tell my family about wanting to off myself no one takes me seriously either. But I’m so tired of living, I can’t even picture myself when the hard things come, when I can’t even handle a fucking breakup and some school stress. I feel like I’m not made for life. I’m too weak for this all.

It’s so nice outside but all I do is lie in bed and cry all day. I would love to go outside and go on some adventures, it’s summer break over all. But I have no one. My best friend is working all the time and when she’s not, she’s with her bf. And I don’t have any other friends like that. So I’m just a fucking loser that does nothing all day. I’m so jealous of people I see on instagram going on a vacation and just having fun.

I hate this generation. All we do is scroll social media, and that fucks us up. We are all pushed to go to university, make more and more and more money, buy a house that will bankrupt you, be hot, workout or you will not reach today’s beauty standards. And then our parents ask us how can we be depressed when we are so young?

I’m just so so tired. God.

just read a tiktok comment section on a video about a person not being able to brush their teeth for 2 years. most of the comments were insensitive shit like "pu onion boy", "green aura with flies", "it's not that hard to brush your teeth it's only 2 minutes", etc. i even saw one comment saying that the person deserved to get r*ped for not having proper hygiene. common decency does not appear to be common anymore. this tiktok made me lose all hope to find someone who truly understands what ive been through. and people wonder why i don't open up about my issues. it's shit like this that made me hide my problems from everyone.

I’m a 18 yr old female. A lot of what I see on here i more normal I worry that what I’m about to say isn’t or that I will be judged. Please I just want help.

I have homicidal thoughts. I hate it. I hate most that I could do it and possibly get away with it. On a metric scale I’m attractive. So I know I could get them to follow me and do as I say till they realize what’sabout to happen. For background I was abused severely when put into the care of my aunt for a few years. I was sexually abused and was having hard drugs tested on me regularly by her boyfriend. After going back to my parents life was better until my dad passed. Watching him die in the street was the hardest thing I’ve had to endure. My homicidal thoughts began as nightmares I would see people bleeding out but never be able to make out any distinct features. It quickly escalated as I began hunting animals like deer. It went to intrusive thoughts about harming strangers, most of them had nothing in common except the fact that they where men. After meeting my friend we’ll call her Lilly it stopped momentarily. Until she committed. After that it was stronger than before. It became an itch burried in my skin I couldn’t reach, id try to scratch it till the skin was falling off it quickly became something that caused se me to almost twitch even in public. And the thoughts became more gruesome, I’d think of setting them loose in the woods and hunting them. I made a list of all the sex offenders in my city and watch them when I can. Staring at them and stalking. Hunting. There where moments if I staved myself enough that I didn’t feel the urge as much do to pure exhaustion. I’m introverted but do well socially so when I reconnected with my highschool friend who well call j it stopped for a moment just like with Lilly. I’m some ways he reminds me of her in his own way. The feeling of safety and comfort. After a while we confessed we had feeling for each other but due to his religion we didn’t and haven’t so much as kissed. And in someways I think that’s something I love about our situation. That it’s pure. Recently my thoughts have been coming back resulting in SH to try to stop them. I love him just like I did Lilly. I want these thoughts to stop. I want to have a normal life. Another factor that makes this so hard it that most days I can’t tell if I’m even alive. It feels like it not real. Like nothing is. So I struggle finding ways to change when I’m not sure what happening to me. Please help

I hate myself and feel worthless and feel like i have nothing to offer and have no personality because of "no friends"

Because of how i made "making friends" my goal and purpose i base self worth on how many friends i have or how many connections or how many people are interested in me or start conversations with me or conversations i have which are none.

And this makes me angry that im desperate, needy, people pleaser and codependent and can't make friends or start conversations or have one, its always me starting and getting one word replies, online its even worse, i know no one owes me anything, and if they are interested or not thats thier choice, and i think the fault is mine for not offering anything to them or have any qualities they might be interested in, or present myself in a way they would be interested

I get angrier at myself when my approach isn't working or there are no signs of improvement with my conversation skills or any other thing, and this anger leads me back to addictions like porn, masturbation...

I base on "how cool, funny, humorous" i am, i base it on how others react to me and most of the time they just ignore like i dont exist or im invisible.

I know even if i get a friend or attention or validation the happiness would be short term, and i still wouldn't feel good enough or feel like i have anything to offer to anyone

And sometimes i try to "act like a clown" or put up a "performance" for them like a circus clown so i get recognition that "iam funny" maybe because im not actually interested in others or care about them, and just care about what i want.. which makes me desperate and needy and its a turn off.

I want to connect to others instead of just trying to entertain them like im their servant or puppet.

Its like i get dopamine rushes from their reactions, like an approval addict.. the moment i get it "i get bored" seeing people as a "source of happiness" like a parasite.

Its like i want people to care about me and like me so i feel good about myself, and feel like "im cool, funny, smart, good enough"

Basically instead of actually being interested in getting to know them and make their life better because im in it and my life better because they are in it, i have made "making friends" a goal a purpose. And try to seek their approval or validation to make myself feel better, its like i use people like a drug to forget about my mistakes or forget that im not doing anything with my life or "be happy", instead of actually getting to know them or interacting with them or care about them without feeling dependent on them which i dont know how to do.

I dont know how to have conversations, or how to talk to people or what to talk about or how to start a conversation or how to be a good friend

I dont know how to be truly interested in others, i think its because im not interested in my self or life or love myself how do i explain

And i get angry at myself when i think that i have no friends and cant have conversations or

Instead of basing happiness on internal factors or basing it within i base it on how many people are interested in me or "chase me" or love me or care about me which are none.

Its just that its always me chasing, me starting conversations, and im tired of this.

I know the only one i can depend on being happy is me, but i have a hard time finding things that i enjoy that arent tv shows or music or porn or video games. These are all fantasies, but i wanna experience the real world, try as many things as possible.

I want to stop having "getting friends, approval validation attention, conversations " as my only life goal. And basing self worth on getting these

I know people dont have a reason to care about me or like me, and i know having "nice" as my only quality isnt enough to offer.

I want to connect to others but idk how, because of all the people pleasing, chasing their validation, approval, being needy and desperate and only caring about those i dont get to know others and others dont get to know me, its like im a chameleon trying to get others to see me "in a certain way" so i feel good about myself.

Im just tired of being the one to chase all the time, i think i chase because of , "to not be left alone? " "to not be rejected?" So i feel like im "good enough, cool enough , worthy" I think those are the reasons, im not truly interested in others or care about them. And i dont even know what to offer, what to talk about, "how to be friends"

I want to make friends without chasing all the time. Make it a give and receive friendship, but idk what to give, idk what people want, and i feel like what i give "isnt good enough" or worth caring about or meaningful or important.

Most times i dont even know what to talk about, or talk about an interesting topic

I get jealous of those who have long conversations and also having fun, makes me feel like "i cant do that" so im "not good enough" while i only get one word replies or none at all. I run out of asking questions because the conversations are like an interview, i dont even know what to say to people, with girls its even worse. I get nervous about saying something because im afraid it will get ignored or get a one word reply and thats somehow connected to my "worth"

Many have said to get a hobby, work on myself, learn from my mistakes

And i know most of these issues rise from low self worth or low self esteem.

And i know i need to be someone people wanna be around with. No one wants someone who's angry, desperate, needy

I know that no one cares, everyone is worried about their own life problems, and no one is coming to save me, or expect life to change with me just sitting inside and doing nothing.

I know my self worth is low, and have to focus on my goals, and finding whats most important to me

This is fucking stupid. I hate myself for this, but I don't do anything.

In an empty existence and sitting among these fucking walls, living one meaningless week after another, without obvious meaning or change, while people around are just walking and having a good time, taking photos together and enjoying life

I don't want to continue all this, I want to change everything.
But this will remain only in my thoughts.
I won't do anything.

Whenever, I get bullied at school, I always feel like my heart is damaged. In millions of pieces. Whenever I have a crush on a girl, I feel extremely ashamed, and just disowned from my existence. I’m Indian, and I get a lot of racism. I feel like, I’m ashamed to be Indian, even though I feel extremely sad as my life is destroyed. Just forget that I exist. That’s all I want. I’m fucked and I do not know what to do. I, sorry. :(

If I wrote everything that happened to me, people would say, “Wow, you’re a fighter” or “Try to find happiness.” The thing is, I kinda stopped having feelings when my mom passed away from an aneurysm. It happened out of nowhere. She was my best friend, and I was only 13 when it happened. I lost my person that day, and as months passed, I noticed my brother seemed sad but was and still is distant from my dad. My brother revealed to me that my dad was having an affair. He knew this before my mom passed away but decided not to tell her because he didn’t want to make her feel sad or lonely. I understood that, but my world fell apart when he told me about this. I knew why my dad didn’t always come back from work, why I felt the urge to go to my mom’s bedroom and just hug her until I fell asleep.

My brother and I confronted my dad, and he admitted it. He also told us he had a kid with this woman. That phrase took everything from me. I met this woman and even lived with her for a few years. She is the worst: so mean, yelling at me for no reason. I always cried because my dad knew this but never did anything about it. My brother started a new life; he got married and had a kid. My relationship with my brother is 1/10 because of this, so in a way, I lost my brother too. That woman and her son moved to another country, and now they live there. But a few weeks ago, I heard my dad calling them and using all these cute names for his son. It made me realize something: he was never like that with me. It made me feel like I’m not enough, like I’m not enough as a daughter to him. So I decided that maybe the best I can do is just live in peace with that. But still, I wish I had a father who didn’t decide to break his family.

I didn’t live with my father for a few months. I met a “nice guy,” but I regret it with all my heart. He was my first, and he got me pregnant. I got an abortion. To this day, I have flashbacks of everything: the way he treated me, when I told him he got me pregnant and gave me an STI. All of this made me realize that since I lost my mom, I was looking for love in the wrong places. Sometimes I feel like this world is not for me. Not once do I feel happy. When I wake up, I feel like I’m not real. I feel numb. What is the purpose of me if I’m just going to feel this hurt? I don’t trust anyone. I don’t say anything to my friends. They think I’m okay, but I’m so tired of pretending. Nobody knows that the nights for me are the worst because I remember everything and I cry until I fall asleep. I feel used, and I don’t wish that on anyone.

There are signs that I’m depressed: my hair is thin, and I had the most beautiful curly hair, but now it’s so thin. I don’t go out. I decided to study online this year, so I’m always in my room. I don’t talk to anyone, not even my family, if I ever had a family. Sometimes I think that there are other worlds out there, and maybe in one of them, I’m happy. I’m happy with my mom, and I got to learn how to wear makeup, how to dress nicely, how to recognize good boys from the bad ones. I know this is just a group of people telling their feelings, and maybe I’m overreacting, but please be a good person. I would like to know that good people exist, and I hope one day I stop having this feeling of regret, of not being enough, of feeling used, of feeling that someone touched me and hurt me, and deciding that maybe it’s better if I just end this once and for all. Before all this, I was such a happy girl. I don’t remember her anymore.

I am 24 years old guy from Eastern Europe I dont know what I want to do I dont know how to live this life I have a dream.I want to come to US but i literally dont know what waiting me there. I working from 16 years,i am former boxer,i am former swindler and former drug dealer. Now i regret about that experience,now i live honestly and work honestly .I have a job but i dont have any opportunities to make my life better.Or i just dont see the opportunities? Guys,that my first question to the world,if you can give me some advice-give it.If you can tell me your story like example-tell it.Thank you and god bless you and your family.

Can’t get over his past..

Having trouble letting go of my fiance’s past.

Hey there, so I met someone online in the year 2021, and we started dating. It was quite serious and was a commitment to get married eventually. The relationship was short lived since he had an all time low in his life by this time. He lost all his finances, his father met with An accident right in front of him home and slipped into a coma and he felt too much for himself and couldn’t deal with any of it , also because he is autistic I think. He ended up breaking up with me. The same day we broke up, he had a meeting in a different city and since he couldn’t afford a hotel room ended up staying at a colleagues place. They both were drunk , and she “got all over him” and they ended up having sex. Now be says he never wanted it, never planned it or such but it just happened and he regretted it deeply right after. And at this point he never thought we would ever speak again. But he could just not let me go for the next 5 months because he somehow thought he could make the money to come to me. But when he realized he couldn’t at this time and had too much for himself he decided to put a stop to it. Also, he started dating someone in these 5 months to make money off of her and entertained me at the same time.

Fast forward to a year after , he comes back to my life and we end up meeting for the first time and falling in love all over again. Everything was great for over a year except for some fights here and there. But we were happy. Now we are in long distance for a few months until our marriage and I’m crippled by his past and what he has put me through. I just can’t seem to get over it.

He is a great human being now, he’s changing so much and developed so much. He has redeemed himself and has come clean about a lot and makes sure I feel safe and secure no matter what. But, I can’t seem to let the past go. And idk what to do anymore. Idk if time will heal or it’ll never get better. Kindly let me know your take. I really want to let go of the past, forget even - if possible. I want to be with him for who he is today but somehow the past is crippling..

I have a question but I’m scared somebody will know it is me.

Any suggestions on how to turn heel in real life? I want to unleash my dark side. Thinking about this makes me feel better. Nice guys finish last.

Please no replies on trying to convince me to be good.

I'm done.

I had an event yesterday that triggered multiple panic attacks. My body started trembling and I felt a heavy burden on my chest making it hard to breathe. I contacted my therapist in the morning who suggested I might be experiencing symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). The thing is: this event is related to something that happened three years ago. If this had happened three years ago, I would have acted perfectly fine and tough.
What changed? And how do you deal with the heartache besides regulating your breath, distracting yourself with activities and Prozac?

Like the title says, I’m having relationship troubles right now and family troubles and I just feel lost and hopeless…

I want nothing else. I have no goals and no future and the world will be better without me

I struggle to think about literally anything else. I just can’t wait until I end myself

I've been having depression and anxiety for most of my life and at this point I don't even know what to do to cope. Everytime I've thought I had friends I've discovered months/years later that they were actively harming me. I've only ever had one friend and I don't feel like I can keep being myself around him or I won't have even that, but it also feels like it doesn't matter whether I'm myself or not because we're reaching an age where our life is starting to get a bit more settled and since we don't live anywhere close to each other I can't be a part of his life. My parents love me and do everything they can to support me which is why I feel even worse thinking I'm never going to get better and keep leeching off of them. Everything I've done to combat my conditions has only helped me forget about them for a few months at best, and when they come back I'm reminded it doesn't matter what I do because they are always going to be there. It feels like the only thing I want is a normal life with a normal job, a couple hobbies, a bit of social interaction, maybe a significant other, but I don't even know where to find people, and even if I do I just push them away. I try to get into a community or a group of people or whatever and I feel like I shouldn't even think of opening my mouth (or typing) because I'll only be a bother. I've never experienced love, I haven't been loved and I haven't loved or even been attracted to anyone, I'm 29 and I haven't even kissed anyone in my life, but I still want to experience love. I can't help but think how little sense that makes, but even if it did make sense it doesn't matter because I still have no clue how people meet and connect. I've asked for help, both to people around me and to professionals and it's only made me realize there are very few people interested in helping me, and even with them it feels like I'm beyond saving. At this point I only want to die but I still feel like I can't do that to my parents, but at the same time I'm terrified of the idea of having to live like this everyday for however many years I have left.

I've been losing all my coping mechanisms. I've lost all hope for the future. My only psychological defense mechanism has been disassociation but with all the political violence increasing I can't even manage that. I'm 35 years old, almost 36. I'm pathetic and a failure and unlovable. I'm trying to find reasons to live and the strength to keep living, but I'm just running out of any of that.

so when i was younger i started being treated for anxiety and depression. and if i'm correct my doctor spoke of severe depression. this was years ago, and i can't remember it too much. but i don't think a diagnosis on paper was involved. i keep hearing people talking about having physical confirmation of their problems and i don't think i have that. i'm currently on zoloft after switching meds and etc. if i was treated for it, and depression was a concern, wasn't i diagnosed? or do i have to have a piece of paper with it written?? please help :(

I guess I wanted to make this post because I want to gain some advice or reassurance in my understanding of why I have experienced mental health issues relating to anxiety and depression for the past 7 years (since I was 18, now 25). I want to share a background of my experience with these issues and hopefully gain some insight to how I should move forward, because it has been a constant struggle. Like everyone's mental health experience, it is unique to them and it is extremely complicated, stemming from an array of different things such as childhood trauma, nutrient deficiency,, microbiome health, etc. 

Background:

Finishing highschool was definitely the trigger to my first anxiety episode. Navigating what I wanted to do with my life was stressful and I felt as if for the first time in my life, I did not have a clear path. At the time, I didn't even know it was anxiety, but during the year after highschool it was like a flip switched inside of me and hasn't been the same since. Not to say there werent times where I was anxious in childhood, because there definitely was, but this was the first time I really felt the physical and mental effects of suffering from anxiety. This was presented in OCD like behavior with repetitive thought patterns, overthinking, physical tension in chest and stomach (like an urge to cry), insomnia and other symptoms of anxiety. I ended up going straight into full time work and struggled these things regularly but would go days or weeks of not feeling symptoms. It was always irregular and I never knew why I was feeling these things. I have always been healthy and conscious of my diet, sleep, exercise and was never abusing drugs or alcohol so it was a bit of a shock when these symptoms “randomly” occurred. I was determined to find an underlying biological or physical reason for these feelings and have and still do try supplements, more exercise, eliminating certain foods, regular sleep etc which all help to an extent but have never actually resolved any issues.

These issues persisted and it was shitty but I was able to manage myself and it never really spiraled until I had a bad insomnia episode a couple of years later. This was a combination of the anxiety I had in general which ended up causing anxiety around going to sleep and they just fed off each other. After really struggling for a couple of months I decided to try medication and was given lexapro. Once the lexapro started working, for the first time in ages I felt a sense of normalcy. I was stable, my random anxious thoughts and feelings in my body were gone, I genuinely felt like the best version of myself. My sleep was good again and I stayed on lexapro for about 9 months before deciding I wanted to come off, thinking I had healed my brain of whatever weird neurological misfirings that caused these problems. I hadnt been to therapy at all at this point but I was so determined that I had cured these problems and didn't want to stay on a medication for whatever reason - I think I was ashamed of being on medication and was also scared of staying on them long term. 

For almost a year after I stayed off medication and continued to try to heal myself naturally. I had improved with understanding these feelings, I had a better grasp of the causes or what my anxious brain thinks that's wrong with my external environment. I finished my degree and was working full time doing something unrelated to my studies and had decided to move cities and also had just been accepted to a serious full time job. The stresses of these triggered an insomnia episode again and I said fuck it, ill go back on the medication. However, this time the lexapro didn't work and for some reason made me feel depressed. I hadn't really understood what depression was like but now with what I know, its closely related to anxiety. Anyway, I moved cities and although my life improved because I made new friends, was enjoying living out of home, moved to a place I really like, felt less lonely I still had these shitty feelings. I came of the lexapro after trying it for 2 months and decided to get prescribed a different medication. I was determined for this one to work and was put on zoloft. The zoloft killed my anxiety but made me even more depressed. My moods were very up and down. Zoloft didnt work for me either and I decided I really needed to go to therapy instead of using a medication (I know, I should of gone to therapy long before any of this but it was hard as I didnt communicate properly to my parents or friends and wanted to solve the issues on my own.

I went for 10 therapy sessions and learnt a lot of information about myself that I didn't know. I believe the stuff I learnt gave me a clearer perspective of the disorder in a way I hadn't seen it. That is, that it has deep roots in my subconscious brain that stemmed from things that happened in childhood. This was helpful for sure and improved some aspects of it but I was still struggling everyday with these feelings. I weaned myself off the zoloft and stayed off it for a couple of months before ending up going back to the doctor in distress asking for a new medication. I tried Lexapro again for 2 months and it didn't work. I was also going through a lot of stress from a breakup, at this time so I think this may have impacted the efficacy of my third time trying lexapro. The lexapro was making me feel shit so I tried prozac. Again, for two months I stayed on prozac and hated it. This one by far made me feel the worst. I felt like a zombie. That was about 4 months ago. Situationally everything has improved and I am a lot happier with things objectively speaking. They are the best they've ever been but I'm still a mess and have this depression/anxiety that will present itself all the time. I am booked into therapy again which I am excited for. But I don't know what to do. I feel like I have tried everything. 

I have read a lot about psilocybin therapy and have used psilocybin many times recreationally but I want to explore a high dose trip alone, and hopefully find some sort of cure to this disease. I understand it's not going to be a quick fix thing but I am losing hope and desperately want to do something to heal myself. I think starting therapy again and doing a big trip will be beneficial. Its fucking annoying that everything in my life is great, yet I will randomly and sporadically get these thoughts and feelings. At the moment it's a lot of depression. I hate how it makes me spiral. I want some advice on whether I should try another medication. I loved the first time I was on it and it worked but i'm afraid of doing the whole trial and error thing and experiencing all the side effects like I did the other times.I want to find something that will work for me and stay on it long term. If you could be bothered reading this whole thing I appreciate it. Let me know your thoughts, ideas, advice.