/r/depression

Photograph via snooOG

Peer support for anyone struggling with a depressive disorder

Community Basics

We offer a peer-support space for anyone dealing with a depressive disorder in themselves or someone close to them.

Please stay on topic. Depression is both important and difficult to talk about so focus is essential. Posts here need to be support requests specifically related to depression, and comments need to be supportive of the OP.

If you want to talk about thoughts or risk of suicide, please post at /r/SuicideWatch. If you've lost someone to suicide, /r/SuicideBereavement is the best community to get support.

It might seem that we have a lot of rules, but we've found they're all necessary to maintain as much emotional and physical safety as possible. Most people are surprised by at least some of our policies so please read all of them carefully before jumping in.

Please click "report" to let us know of any inappropriate content you see here - we'd like to know and handle it as soon as we can.

If your post or comment is not appearing, it may have been removed for a rule violation or it may be stuck in the filter. Please message us and we'll look into it.

We are not a crisis service. We can't guarantee an immediate response, and there are times when this subreddit is relatively quiet. This does not mean no one cares. If you need to talk to someone at once, you may want to take a look at the hotlines list from /r/SuicideWatch

/r/depression

1,029,365 Subscribers

1

Couples depression

I definitely have antenatal depression. My life prior to getting pregnant was very difficult for a couple of years, very high amount of stress and family problems which I was expected to carry alone on my shoulders (I was and still am a parentified child). I went through a phase of not ever wanting children, then I got over that for a little while and planned my pregnancy with my husband. Since becoming pregnant I’ve fallen deeper in antenatal depression, and I’m under therapy and being monitored.

However, I think husband also has mild depression but he’s in denial and refuses treatment. His depressive tendencies started early in our relationship, before mine kicked in. It can fluctuate but I’m wondering if it’s getting worse for him. He has a porn addiction which took a while for him to accept, and now he refuses to accept that any type of treatment will help. Doesn’t want to talk to therapists because they’re ‘strangers’, doesn’t even go to the doctor for help with his physical problems like eczema, complains a lot but spends 5 hrs after work watching YouTube + TV and doesn’t exercise, shave or get haircuts.

How do we as a couple fight this without it damaging us. Baby is due any day now, and I’m at risk of PPD, and I have lashed out and regretted it because of my antenatal depression, I’m slowly struggling to see husband as my rock because I’m afraid I’m pushing him away.

I’m just… numb.

0 Comments
2024/06/21
09:29 UTC

2

Everyone benefits from my existence EXCEPT me.

And I'm tired of it.

"If you died I'll miss you", "what about other people in your life?", "you're so funny", etc.

Like bitch when am "I" gonna be happy? I don't believe in psychological healing at all. What did people do in ancient times to deal with this bullshit?

0 Comments
2024/06/21
09:27 UTC

1

I can’t cope anymore for the first time idk what to think

I don’t know why I’m here but I just crave writing this because I’m absolutely losing my mind. I’ve been struggling for years moving to a new country, couldn’t make the right friends, couldn’t stop some bad habits, and now I’m completely alone and never been more insecure and lost.

I have ocd and just put myself through one of the worst attacks. This bad habit is skin picking when I’m stressed, couldn’t control it this time and made a really bloody and deep mess on my breast. I can’t cope with it, even though I did it, I can’t cope with this damage. I can’t even paint my nails or go shopping like I’m desperate to, all I see is damage for a very long time.

I don’t have anymore time to waste feeling so ugly, ruined, damaged, alone, lost….. that’s all I feel I’m so tired

I’m so scared it’s permanent, I’m so scared I won’t get my skin back, make the right friends, be able to accept my body, I’m so tired I just want to be in the sun at the very least and I just took it away from myself for so many months I’m so depressed I can’t even function for my sisters birthday I’m so angry I failed so hard

0 Comments
2024/06/21
09:22 UTC

1

Can someone please give me ideas

Tw for bad thoughts

Hi I just need to get something out, now or never you know. I've been having a hard time lately with anxiety and maybe depression I'm not sure. But it is getting harder for me to go on living and I know it's a bit absured since I'm only 14 not even a quarter of my life. I do try I promise but nothing works for me, I haven't talked to anyone about it because I don't like to bother people with my problems no matter how small they are. I just need someone to tell me how I can fix it because I'm slowly losing it. I'm being pathetic aswell I'm not even being bullied or anything but I still feel this way. And my anxiety getting worse aswell I throw up every time I have to go into the public eye, I figit and bite my nails which I've never done before because I heard you could get worms. I cry way to often I sleep more than I'm awake. Before you say it's hormones it's not I've been like this since I was 10. That's all I want to write if you can please just tell me how to get rid of this feeling.

Ps. If you feel like this please get support I just can't speak to anyone without feeling like I've did something wrong

1 Comment
2024/06/21
08:54 UTC

1

i’m scared for myself

For the past 6 months i’ve been spiraling mentally and physically. In december i was nearly 230 pounds, im now 150. I was definitely manic for a good minute but atp i think im going crazy. I have these strong outbursts of anger that I can’t control until it’s too late. I have no insurance, i can’t get out of bed to GET a job to get insurance because im so depressed i can’t get out of bed or stop myself from crying just thinking about the things effecting me for less than a second. it’s genuinely effecting my life. ive been going through small 2–3 day long episodes that felt like this since i was 5, but its never lasted this long. I would constantly ask my mother for help and she thought i was trying to get cops involved. she did get us into family therapy, and some therapy program where me and my sister only did it. I was diagnosed with depression but i lied about a lot of things because my mom would have actually killed me if i didn’t. Now I’m 18 and bed rotting to the point where my bed, that i’ve had for years, has a dent in it. I just need a little bit of support that i don’t get from the people surrounding me, it feels like they don’t care, even if we’re very close. Recently, even the people i would die for, it feels like they’re slipping away and it hurts.

0 Comments
2024/06/21
08:53 UTC

1

Discrimination

My current employer made pretty horrible remarks about my mental health in front of others.

These remarks were made after I told him I’m leaving for a much better opportunity.

“ you’re an manic depressive! You’ll be hanging yourself from the rafters three months into this new job”

I’m leaving Tuesday anyway and haven’t spoken to him since. I was so angry I was shaking.

Can I threaten legal action (UK) if something else is said?

What would your response to this be?

To be honest I don’t care now. I’m moving on to a mush better place.

2 Comments
2024/06/21
08:45 UTC

1

Idk what to do

We both like each other we get along great and we have a lot in common but she’s with an asshole that treats her like shit. I treat her better than he does but she can’t make up her mind to leave him or not and it’s killing me. Maybe not the place to post this but I’ve been so sad and think of the worse I’m just laying in bed sad and depressed cause idk if we can be together. I don’t want to lose her cause I’ve been alone and it sucks being alone like this.

0 Comments
2024/06/21
08:43 UTC

1

Dealing with being alone

Last year I got my first ever girlfriend. We had been best friends for two years at that point and we fell in love. We were deeply in love with each other and I was so happy. All my life I had to deal with being made fun of for how nerdy and ugly I am. I’ve been told insanely hurtful things, like I’m the ugliest person in the entire school and that I would never be able to get a girlfriend. I’ve been called fat so many times, I can’t even count it. There was one person that said I don’t get fat shamed enough, but even though it still hurt, it didn’t matter because I finally got a pretty, loving, caring girlfriend. We were the cutest couple. We had so much in common. It’s like we were made for each other, like genuinely. But then my own personal problems happened. So for context my mother passed away when I was 7, and I’m 17 now. I didn’t realize it until about a year or two ago but I realized that there was a huge void missing in my life. After my mother passed I craved the attention and affection that only a female could give me, and when my girlfriend gave me that, I went overboard and I became a terrible person to her. I would incriminate her for being uncomfortable with things like asking for hugs and putting my arm around her and stuff like that. I said and did some terrible things but yet I was in love with her, and she was in love with me. Although she was in love with me, she could only be so patient, and she couldn’t take all the hurt it was bringing her, and she had to break up with me. It crushed me, but it made me a better person. I learned from my mistakes and I know how to act now, but the problem is, I lost the love of my life, and I miss her SO much. I can’t even explain how in love with her I am. After we broke up, we proceeded to have the single most toxic friendship I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It’s like one day we were besties and the other we were blood enemies. It was so bad. There was one time during her birthday when she didn’t use any of my gifts that I bought during her birthday, which I had been planning for several months and I spent so much time and money, and I even donated some of my blood in a blood drive so I could get an Amazon gift card to use for more money towards her birthday gifts, but we got into a terrible argument two days before her birthday and I had a mental breakdown and I said some crazy things, and she didn’t want to talk to me and she didn’t want my gifts. She later told me that she felt that she didn’t deserve them because how could I say she made me feel that way and then turn around and give her gifts. It devastated me that she did that. As of a few weeks ago, she doesn’t even want to talk to me. She says she doesn’t even want to be my friend. She said she can’t be the friend she thinks I deserve, and maybe when she thinks she’s ready, maybe she’ll come back and want a friendship again. I’m so alone. She was my only friend and the only person I felt truly cared about me. Now I’m depressed and alone and I cry all the time. I just want love. I’m so ugly and unattractive, and I want to change everything about myself to be attractive to somebody and loved by somebody. I just get attached to people so quickly and it makes me feel like such an idiot to think that someone would even care about me and love me.

0 Comments
2024/06/21
08:42 UTC

1

My mother called out on me saying I'm worthless and my existence is more like non existent

Hello guys, I'm in a sort of depression. It all started from lockdown, before lockdown I was hyperactive, studious and woke up at 7am even in my holidays and my only source of entertainment was TV. After lockdown I completely changed, though I'm usually an introvert I was hyperactive with my family but now my screen time has increased so much that I ignore my family members, I wake up at late mornings which was not my usual self before. I'm a second year student in computer science field, after completing my semester examinations it was my holiday weekend and my mom started taunting me for not helping her, even when I helped her with sweeping the floor, washing vessels and preparing the tea. She started scolding me for not doing something productive in my leisure days like finding a work from home job, studying for a competitive exam or trying new recipes at home(Even if she doesn't approve of anything I tried). She made me feel worthless so I joined a course for career orientation which happens to be not so trustworthy platform from the review, I'm a second year student so I didn't prepare my resume. Finally I made a resume with the help of google doc, most of the work from home job is for graduated people so I confronted my mom to stop pressuring me to find a job and to wait till I complete my degree, that's it! She felt that statement to be so offensive that she started to hurt me with her words such as ' Your existence doesn't matter' ' You're the laziest person I had ever met' 'You can't achieve anything in life' and so much more that I don't want to recall. I admit that I'm lazy but her words sting too much, so please suggest me a way out of this depression I'm having right now.

0 Comments
2024/06/21
08:40 UTC

1

I want to die

I'm so sick of this being a joke. I have never taken any form of therapy, or admittted to myself that I may need to seek psychological counseling. It's sort of a passive thought to me. I don't think I'll make it past the age of twenty. I think about getting run over by cars, getting a hammer smashed into my head and knocking all my teeth out, gouging my own eyes out. Every day. How the hell do I love myself? How the hell am I supposed to realize that people love me? I hate myself so much. I wish all of my pores would bleed out and I could just shrivel up and die from blood loss, like a dehydrated fruit or something. I cut myself. It's getting worse, but I don't want to ask for help. What if I get sent to a psych ward? I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to realize how much I'm struggling. I don't want people to look at me any worse than they do now. Please, if anyone's reading this, I'm at my lowest. I need someone to suppport me or I might go lay on a train track and kill myself. Please

1 Comment
2024/06/21
08:35 UTC

1

I know it can get worse but damn…

I’m being dramatic asf wanting to kms. I know it can get worse. But damn I feel like shit.

0 Comments
2024/06/21
08:24 UTC

5

I thought i am finally in my way Out of Depression but No...

I worked so hard in myself over the Last 20 years, quit Alkohol and drugs, invested in my education which lead me to a Job i Love and where i feel appreciated. I worked on my people pleasing patterns, i No longer find narcissits and Junkies attractive and i have a hand full of amazing friends who mean the world to me. I bought a gorgeous flat and renovated it all by myself, with only little help. And what now? I am sitting in my flat an feel so alone and helpless. What breaks my heart is that everybody around me just sees my achievements and nobody is willing to accept, that my soul is tired and sad. Why is there no space in this world for weakness. I have so many weaknesses, but it seems that this part of me is not allowed in this society. Because of that i have the feeling that my mind is pulling me more in that direction and i am so afraid that i am entering the darkness again. I am Not Sure If i will survive another Episode. :( Nobody sees me for who i am and this hurts so damn much

3 Comments
2024/06/21
08:04 UTC

1

Over it

I grew up in a fucked up family. My mental illness of schizophrenia is making my family want to cut ties and kick me to the curb(literally they want me out of the house cause they cant deal with me anymore). Whats the point anymore? Do any of you know how hard it is to live everyday knowing that you can’t trust your gut because you don’t see reality correctly. So what do I do stay home never leave the house and avoid people places and things because I think the world is evil and people are bad and just out to hurt me. I have multiple attempts and have been saved every time. My mom. Cries about how she doesn’t want me dead but then wants nothing to do with me. I mean honestly who would care? Like i’ve lost friends and sure it sucks but after a month it becomes a faint memory and then I don’t think about them all the time. My life is just shitty. I used to have it all and then schizophrenia literally ruined my life.

1 Comment
2024/06/21
07:59 UTC

2

Why do I miss my assaulter?

I still miss him. I wish he was here. He doesn’t care about me. He made that clear. We were together and he left. Hes not willing to ever hear from me again ever since he moved away. He was a douchebag, he is to everyone. I thought he loved me. I loved him. I could’ve swore we were close.

He touched on me even though I cried that I wanted to go home because we almost got caught playing a dirty game. He was mad that I didn’t thank him for getting us out of there. He was irritated that I was scared. I sometimes hesitate to say that what he did was assault. He was mad at me about me asking one day why he did what he did. Sometimes I worry I’m wrong and that I’ve accused him of something he didn’t do. That the disgust my mom has of him isn’t deserved.

We had issues. I’d apologize for his mistakes. He’d take my apologies. I don’t know why I’m sad now. I still think about him, not out of hate or disgust but because I miss him. It might come from me wishing things went differently and maybe we could’ve worked. I really miss that boy. I don’t understand why, I can’t find the reason. I’m never gonna see him again.

1 Comment
2024/06/21
07:54 UTC

2

iiiiii dddddontttt kkknoooowwWoowooo

I wonder if anyone else has depression to the point I do. I've been wearing headphones ever since shit got hard. It's a cheat code. If I take them off, if I take my hood down, and be a person. I get overwhelmed with the devil... i feel like a naked lesbian with fucked up hair, But if I've got my hood up, headphones on, sounds to distract my thoughts. As long as I keep them distracted I can misdirect myself to be happyOnly using good thoughts and putting bad ones aside. I couldn't do that without headphones & vices. Amen.

5 Comments
2024/06/21
07:49 UTC

3

Please Read If You're A Girl VENT: TW grooming, misogyny

I feel like I need this off of my chest, I would appreciate if someone out there took their time to read..

There's this game called "Yandere Simulator" and I have been a fan ever since I was a young child. I started playing at age 8, and it's been such a fun experience ever since.

As I got older, I started using it as a coping mechanism in my life. One thing that really comforted me was the important roles of female characters. The female characters had more important roles than the male ones. It was comforting since Most shows have a male protagonist and the women would play nothing too important besides fanservice for the male gaze. But in Yandere Simulator, the ones protecting the school were all women.

It was especially comforting since I was surrounded by misogynistic classmates at the time

Then I got the worst news ever, news that I never thought would happen.

The creator of Yandere Simulator, Yandere dev, would end up grooming a 16 year old girl. He sent disturbing messages, made her send all kinds of videos he could lust to, and worse webcam calls.

This hurt me so bad when I found out how disgusting yandev and his supporters are. Thinking about it makes me ill, especially as an online grooming victim myself. The person who created the game I would find so much comfort in, who made all the characters I would learn to love, it hurts so bad.

I would usually make fun of him in the r/Osana reddit to cope with my distress from the situation*, but today it just hurts so bad.*

There was this one character who comforted me a lot. She was amazing, and really mean to her crush. Her name is Osana, and I would always imagine me and her being friends. She was a huge comfort, and helped me not be afraid for my exam that happened today. She's my favorite character, and I don't know if I can even enjoy her or the game after the things yandere dev has done.

If you're a girl, I would really like some comfort and support... It's a dumb reason to be sad, but it's really stressing me out.. badly.

1 Comment
2024/06/21
07:33 UTC

3

Sometimes it’s ok

Realizing that sometimes it's ok to take a break. Even though societal standards say laying in bed and playing Minecraft for 2 hours is "wasting your life" or not living it, I don't feel good, and that's what's going to make me feel better right now, and that's OK. Don't push yourself harder than you can handle. Getting better includes taking breaks and going your pace. I'm not a mental health professional, this is just a person, realizing that it's ok to take a break

5 Comments
2024/06/21
07:25 UTC

1

My wife is suffering depression.. maybe even bipolar too

My wife has been suffering depression for the two years. Maybe even bipolar. Which she also admits. Talking to her is like walking on eggshells. She will get mad so easily and don’t laugh at my jokes anymore.

She’s been on medication for the last two Years as well. So her side effects is low libido which is hard for me.

  1. Not enough sex in our relationship because of her side effects from her medications

  2. Say the wrong thing, I get yelled for. I’m like her punching bag. To avoid saying the wrong thing. I try not to talk to her, and yet she ask me why i am not communicating with her. Well, obvious reasons is that I don’t want to make her angry

I am a patient guy. Not sure how long this depression will last. She told me her first depression lasted 4 years. So I have 2 years to go?

I never had depression so she always said that I would never understand depression. How does depression feel like?

I always try to make her happy, comfortable, less stress, more house work for her, and even letting her maxing out my credit cards. I’m in debts now which creditors asking for money everyday. She doesn’t work because of her depression meaning I have to provide (food, rent, car, gas) for both of us on one stream of income. I might go into depression because of my debts.

No, she hasn’t physically hit me, vice versa. I just want us go back the way it was. Our honey moon stage. Or normal stage too. How long will she not be depressed? Until Justin Trudeau voted out? (Btw, I’m from Canada). And have other parties fix up his mistakes. It’s gonna take 47 elections to fix Canada.

What can I do to keep up with all these unhappy moments with her until we can get back to our happy lives?

3 Comments
2024/06/21
07:24 UTC

1

I feel emotionless or as if i shove down my emotions

For a long time i've always felt that my emotions aren't real and i'm in a constant state of numbness. Even when i'm happy the moment someone looks away i go back to a straight face as if i wasn't happy at all n i feel no joy. I feel like i put a display up just so i can fit in with everyone else. The only emotions ive truly felt gathered up that have an affect on me are anger and sadness along with hatred. I don't understand why i feel this way. I even don't care about 90% of my family and friends if any of them died i wouldn't really care nor would i feel sorry. Whenever i have tried in the past to talk to people about this they look at me like im crazy and don't understand me. I've had 2 girlfriends the first i felt actually genuinely in love and happy then that feeling went away when she left me but with my 2nd i felt nothing for her at all the first 2 days when we starting talking i felt a little happy then by the third i lost complete interest. I crave love and affection and attention yet when i get it i feel nothing. I don't understand and was wondering if someone knows what's going on or has felt something similar.

2 Comments
2024/06/21
07:22 UTC

3

M 23 Totally lost and alone in life.

The past 2-3 years have seen my depression and its symptoms get worse and worse after completing a college equivalent diploma in my country, though I did not do very well.

I stay in my room and at home the whole time. And was diagnosed at one point with Major Depression and put on SSRi's which I have both stopped taking and seeing a professional because of the costs.

Once school finished, I maintained no friends (seriously 0 contact), have had 0 relationship experience, and no motivation to go outside into the world.

I am heavily dependent on a single parent who I still avoid discussing about my mental health to, and their pushes for me to get outside and find a job or continue studies just makes me feel worse, scared, more depressed and suicidal at times.

I understand at some point I have to break out of this cycle of depression, but I just can't bring myself to.

I don't think I have good enough grades to continue studying nor do I have any idea what I can and want to do. The alternative is finding a job, but as someone who doesn't spend much money, it feels so pointless and tough for me physically and mentally, I just get more depressed thinking about working,

I feel so useless that I am such a burden that just looks like a lazy person in the eyes of others.

Sometimes, I wish I would not wake up, I don't feel like I fit into society and its demands.

I hope someone could relate to me, I feel so alone and hopeless.

2 Comments
2024/06/21
07:09 UTC

9

I’m only alive because of my child

I want to end it all so very badly. I’m almost 35 and have nothing I’m literally a burden to everyone around me. Meds helped for a little while but being off them the longing feeling is back. The only reason I’m still even here is because of my child and the fact that I don’t want to destroy his tiny little soul. I don’t know nothing seems to ever go well for me but the love I have for my child is the only thing keeping me ending it. But lately I’m wondering if he’d be better off without me. I’m a loser a waste of space and air. No one but my child and dog would ever notice I’m gone or even miss me.

5 Comments
2024/06/21
07:04 UTC

1

So tired

I wish I could sleep forever. I don't feel like I can do this anymore. I feel like I'm constantly in the way and disappointing everyone around me. Life is just something I don't want to experience anymore, I can't spend my time not being good enough for anything or anyone. I don't know what to do anymore.

Anyways that's my dumb little rant, I hope you all are doing okay <3

1 Comment
2024/06/21
06:53 UTC

8

Why is life so unfair?

Some people are just born privileged while some find it even hard to survive.

7 Comments
2024/06/21
06:50 UTC

0

I have no control over my actions

I started wellbutrin xl 150mg may 9 and I haven't missed a day. I feel the same I guess, if I really had to say something it would be that I have fewer intrusive thoughts. When I do experience intrusive thoughts, it's much easier for me to dismiss them. The problem is, that's about it.

The main issue I currently have is that I can't get myself to do anything but be in my room all day on my phone. I stopped working almost a year ago, all my credit cards have multiple late payments and some have sent them to dept collection agencies and they're all blowing my phone up ($10k+ between all of them). Don't have any friends (so don't go out, just the occasional once a month movie theater, alone) and I stopped studying. I'm at the end of my rope here and don't see a way out.

I thought maybe I have ADHD on top of my major depression disorder because I want to do all these things I'm supposed to do but I can't get my body to do them... but my therapist thinks I might have it and my psychiatrist thinks it's part of the depression.

I really didn't want to take pills because I thought if I did that means I couldn't overcome this without that help so I stalled for months despite my therapist advising otherwise until I found no other choice but to accept. Then I got my hopes up thinking this was the solution and now I'm just being told "Well you also have to put in the effort", but I have been trying to for months!!! Once I start a task I'm zoned in but starting the task is the problem.

I'm extremely disheartened and hopeless at this point, I feel like I'm just broken and there's no fixing me. I know nobody cares and that I should get in line... just wanted to vent and hopefully see someone comment, anything really.

1 Comment
2024/06/21
06:46 UTC

2

“Life is an abyss half-filled with sadness”

Feels like I’m floating in a vast ocean in a rowboat with no oars.

I can see everything around me for miles, but what little energy I have couldn’t possibly get me anywhere meaningful.

The frantic paddling with my hands only serves to exhaust me faster.

Maybe I need to learn to just appreciate the clouds floating by.

Accept my situation, and find the good in it, rather than focusing on all the things that are out of my reach.

0 Comments
2024/06/21
06:35 UTC

4

Pointless

I return once again. I've come to the conclusion that everything is meaningless. Everything around me has no purpose and neither do I. I've lost so much and there's been no reason for any of it. I don't believe in optimistic beliefs such as Karma and frankly it wouldn't matter if I went out with a bang. I can't voice my suffering to anyone around me because the last thing they need is to deal with my problems. I'm tired, I want it to end, I'm still here because I have responsibilities, the moment they're gone, I will be too. Have a good day. I'm sorry if I ruined anyone's day.

3 Comments
2024/06/21
06:35 UTC

17

I hate craving intimacy

I hate it so much. I hate wanting it. I hate not having it. I don’t want to think about it at all. Do I understand myself or do I not?

I have trauma related to it. Most of being unprocessed, leading me to believe all of those situations were my fault. So, when I crave it. It feels like a horrible choice. Like I’m ruining my soul. I miss my ex. I miss how it felt with him. It felt like when I needed it, it wasn’t shameful. It was beautiful. It was trusting. It was how it was always meant to be. Now, I can’t even enjoy myself because I end up crying from the memories of something I can’t have anymore. Memories that sink my heart.

I just don’t want to have the need anymore.

9 Comments
2024/06/21
06:31 UTC

3

chainsaw? gun?

im thinking of doing it im 90% gonna do it i just have to stop being a pussy, i wanna make it as messy as possible so i don’t know if i should do it with a chainsaw or something like a shotgun, chainsaw gonna hurt but it’s cool, shotgun is gonna be instant but feels weird what do yall think i should do

30 Comments
2024/06/21
06:28 UTC

3

First time trying

45, male. Married, 2nd time. 4 kids from 21 to 9 years old. 3 boys, 1 girl (10).

New to this. I can't remember my first depressive episode, feels like it was around 6yrs old.

Lived a life of being charming, funny, and likely signs of depressive since 93

Minor bounce back in high school and college.

But the depression depth never changed. After college and work, never got a way from that doom.

I think I'm not alone here in sharing that it's not JUST a struggle, but a fear that this companion may never leave

3 Comments
2024/06/21
06:26 UTC

7

I no longer feel sad, just empty. I want to talk about it.

I was adopted at six. Before I was adopted I was a tribal child, I didn't know what a fork or toilet was when I was adopted. My bio mom was an island woman who was an alcoholic prostitute. She loved us but she did what she could to feed us and suffered from it. She died from AIDS. My family (adoptive but raised me) were wealthy and kind, treated me the exact way they treated their biological son. He got toys, so did I, he got an amazing birthday party, so did I, he got great education, so did I. I used to sleep cuddling my mom and dad and brother. I am 100% their's and they are my heart. However, I always was more independent. When my bio mom didn't make any money from her sacrifice, I'd go literal hand-hunting for meat to feed the family, I've walked in on her doing her job and I've walked in on her being violated, I've seen her beat up men for taking it too far, I would wash my siblings' bottoms I would make food for them, I would do a lot and it made me independent and then I went to a family that had it all.

Now I'm 30 and I live with my boyfriend in USA and I feel nothing. Like, I love this man, I laugh all the time with him. I do things with him. But when it comes to struggles, I feel nothing but logic. With my mental struggles, I deal with it with logic, zero emotion. With his OCD, autism and emotional struggles, I deal with it in logic. But what made me realize is his mom. She's suffering from cancer and it turns out her cancer has spread. I talked to her with logic and she cried. I didn't say anything bad, I was talking to her about how her situation was found out early and how the numbers of her case are quite positive and have a big survival rate compared to other cancers. But she wanted compassion and I realized later that I don't know how to give it.

I've talked to therapists and they've said it, I push off my depression and fear with logic and matter-of-fact and it never hit me until I saw her cry. I cried today for the first time in years, knowing that I hurt her. I have felt feelings, but I realized my early depression set me off to a point that at thirty I accept it, I don't want to. I want to feel what people without depression feel, I want the joy, pain, fear, everything. I have always been emotionally numb and I can't handle it anymore. It's not a constant, it's getting worse. I don't fear death anymore, for example and that worries me. I don't fear rejection, I don't fear anything, and by all means I want to fear something. I want to cry instead of telling myself that it's normal to feel sad. I am so tired of waking up and feeling like "well just another day of feeling like this."

I know where my depression stems from, from before I was adopted, but I can't get out of it and my parents put me in therapy as soon as I was adopted thinking it would help with the transition and it did, but no matter how many therapists I have, I can't feel emotions like other people do and all I feel is empty. Until I accidentally made my boyfriend's mom cry and i just felt shame and sorrow, I wanted to fix it but I couldn't because I got in my own head.

Does anyone have ANY advice for me?

2 Comments
2024/06/21
06:25 UTC

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