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1

New book on conflict - Why Do We Keep Arguing? (And How To Stop)

I wanted to share with you that my new book about conflict engagement and resolution, Why Do We Keep Arguing? (And How To Stop), has now been published and is available on Amazon first at:

UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0CY8P96NX

US: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CY8Z9GT8

If you get the chance to read it, I would love to hear what you think, and please feel free to share it with those in your networks you think might be interested and perhaps in need of another helpful resource. Thanks so much in advance.

Best,

Scott

https://preview.redd.it/we9858b3h3pc1.png?width=1596&format=png&auto=webp&s=55e0393e7630c2fbcb93206ef2bd1e20a86c1f87

0 Comments
2024/03/18
13:28 UTC

3

Developing Emotional Intelligence: The Key to Effective Conflict Resolution

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in our overall well-being and success in various aspects of life, including conflict resolution. The ability to understand and manage emotions, both our own and those of others, is a key component of developing emotional intelligence. Conflict is an inevitable part of human interaction, and being equipped with the skills to effectively manage and resolve conflicts is essential. This article explores the importance of emotional intelligence in conflict resolution, providing insights into understanding conflict dynamics, building self-awareness and self-regulation, developing empathy and social skills, employing effective communication strategies, fostering emotional intelligence within teams and organizations, and showcasing real-life examples. By delving into the realm of emotional intelligence, we can unlock valuable tools and strategies for navigating conflicts with empathy, understanding, and positive outcomes.

1. Introduction to Emotional Intelligence

1.1 What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is like having a secret superpower that allows you to navigate the complicated world of emotions with finesse. It refers to the ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and to effectively manage those emotions in different situations. In simpler terms, it's about being aware of your own feelings and how they impact your actions and relationships.

1.2 Importance of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is not just some fluffy concept that belongs in the realm of self-help books. It plays a crucial role in our personal and professional lives. When we are emotionally intelligent, we can communicate more effectively, build stronger connections with others, and make better decisions. It helps us to handle stress, bounce back from setbacks, and maintain healthy relationships. In short, emotional intelligence is the key to leading a more fulfilling and successful life.

1.3 The Link between Emotional Intelligence and Conflict Resolution

Conflicts are a part of life—whether it's a disagreement with a coworker or a heated argument with a loved one. What separates those who handle conflicts well from those who don't is often their level of emotional intelligence. When we possess emotional intelligence, we can navigate conflicts with empathy, understanding, and calmness. It helps us to approach conflicts in a constructive way, rather than letting our emotions run wild and escalate the situation. Emotional intelligence is like the mediator within us that allows us to resolve conflicts effectively and maintain healthier relationships.

2. Understanding Conflict and its Impact

2.1 Defining Conflict

Conflict is not just limited to shouting matches or physical altercations. It can manifest in various ways, such as disagreements, different perspectives, competing interests, or even misunderstandings. At its core, conflict arises when there is a clash of ideas, values, or goals between individuals or groups.

2.2 Types and Causes of Conflict

Conflicts can arise in different contexts, whether it's at work, within families, or in social settings. They can be caused by a variety of factors, such as differing expectations, limited resources, power struggles, or simply personality clashes. Understanding the underlying causes can help us address conflicts more effectively and find mutually beneficial resolutions.

2.3 Effects of Unresolved Conflict

Ignoring or avoiding conflicts might seem like the easier option, but it often leads to long-lasting negative consequences. Unresolved conflicts can breed resentment, erode trust, and create toxic environments. They can also hinder productivity, damage relationships, and negatively impact our mental and emotional well-being. That's why addressing conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner is crucial for maintaining harmony and fostering personal growth.

3. The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Conflict Resolution

3.1 How Emotional Intelligence Affects Conflict Management

Emotional intelligence is the secret sauce to effective conflict resolution. It enables us to approach conflicts with a level-headedness that promotes understanding and empathy. By recognizing and managing our emotions, we can stay calm and composed, which allows us to listen actively, seek common ground, and find creative solutions. Emotional intelligence helps us communicate assertively yet respectfully, bridging the gap between differing perspectives and fostering a sense of collaboration.

3.2 Benefits of Applying Emotional Intelligence in Conflict Resolution

When we apply emotional intelligence to conflict resolution, we unlock numerous benefits. It allows us to build stronger relationships based on trust and mutual respect. It helps us develop better problem-solving skills and promotes a healthy work or personal environment. Emotional intelligence also enhances our ability to empathize with others, leading to greater understanding and more effective communication. Overall, applying emotional intelligence in conflict resolution leads to more positive outcomes and a happier, more harmonious existence.

4. Building Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation

4.1 Recognizing and Understanding One's Emotions

Developing emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness. It's about recognizing and understanding our own emotions, knowing what triggers them, and being able to label and express them appropriately. By acknowledging and accepting our emotions, we can better manage them when conflicts arise.

4.2 Managing and Controlling Emotions

Self-regulation is the next step in building emotional intelligence. It involves managing and controlling our emotions in a way that allows us to respond thoughtfully, rather than reacting impulsively. This means learning how to pause, breathe, and reflect before responding in conflicts. It's about finding healthy outlets for emotions and developing strategies to calm ourselves when tensions run high.

4.3 Techniques for Enhancing Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation

Enhancing self-awareness and self-regulation is an ongoing process that requires practice and deliberate effort. Techniques such as mindfulness, journaling, and seeking feedback from others can help improve self-awareness. Developing emotional regulation skills can involve techniques like deep breathing, reframing thoughts, or seeking support from trusted individuals. It's about finding what works best for you and incorporating these practices into your daily life, so that emotional intelligence becomes second nature.

5. Developing Empathy and Social Skills

5.1 Understanding the Importance of Empathy in Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution is not just about finding a solution or winning an argument; it's about understanding and addressing the underlying emotions and needs of all parties involved. Empathy plays a crucial role in this process, as it allows us to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and see the world from their perspective. By developing empathy, we can create a safe and supportive environment for open communication and effective conflict resolution.

5.2 Improving Listening and Observation Skills

When it comes to conflict resolution, listening is more than just hearing words; it's about actively engaging and understanding what the other person is saying. By improving our listening skills, we can pick up on subtle cues, body language, and emotions, which often reveal the true meaning behind the words. Observing these non-verbal signals can help us identify underlying issues and find common ground for resolution.

5.3 Enhancing Communication and Collaboration Skills

Effective conflict resolution requires effective communication and collaboration. By enhancing our communication skills, such as expressing ourselves clearly, using non-defensive language, and being respectful, we can foster a positive and productive dialogue. Collaboration skills, on the other hand, involve finding common goals, compromising, and working together towards a mutually satisfying resolution. By developing these skills, we can navigate conflicts with ease and build stronger relationships.

6. Effective Communication Strategies for Conflict Resolution

6.1 Active Listening and Non-Verbal Communication

Active listening involves giving our full attention to the speaker, showing interest, and summarizing or paraphrasing what they've said to ensure understanding. Non-verbal communication, such as maintaining eye contact and using appropriate facial expressions, can also convey understanding and empathy. By employing these strategies, we create a sense of trust and encourage open and honest communication, which is vital for resolving conflicts.

6.2 Assertive Communication Techniques

Assertive communication allows us to express our thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting the rights and boundaries of others. This approach involves using "I" statements, being direct, and focusing on the issue at hand rather than attacking the person. By adopting assertive communication techniques, we can avoid escalating conflicts and find constructive solutions that satisfy all parties involved.

6.3 Conflict Resolution through Effective Negotiation

Negotiation is a critical skill in conflict resolution, as it involves finding a middle ground that meets the needs and interests of all parties. Effective negotiation includes active listening, brainstorming creative solutions, and seeking win-win outcomes. By approaching conflicts with a positive and collaborative mindset, we can turn them into opportunities for growth and understanding.

7. Cultivating Emotional Intelligence in a Team or Organization

7.1 Creating an Emotionally Intelligent Work Environment

To foster emotional intelligence within a team or organization, it's essential to create an environment that values open communication, empathy, and respect. This can be achieved through encouraging psychological safety, promoting diversity and inclusion, and providing opportunities for personal and professional development. By cultivating emotional intelligence at the organizational level, conflicts can be effectively managed and resolved.

7.2 Team Building and Conflict Resolution

Team building activities can play a significant role in strengthening relationships, enhancing communication, and developing emotional intelligence within a team. By engaging in trust-building exercises, collaborative projects, and conflict resolution simulations, team members can learn to understand and appreciate one another's perspectives. Building a strong foundation of emotional intelligence can lead to more harmonious and efficient conflict resolution within the team.

7.3 Emotional Intelligence Training and Development Programs

Implementing emotional intelligence training and development programs can be an effective way to enhance conflict resolution skills within a team or organization. These programs can provide individuals with the opportunity to learn about emotional intelligence, practice self-awareness and self-regulation, and develop empathy and social skills. By investing in such programs, teams and organizations can create a culture that values emotional intelligence and promotes effective conflict resolution.

8. Putting Emotional Intelligence into Practice: Case Studies and Examples

8.1 Real-life Examples of Emotional Intelligence in Conflict Resolution

Let's take a look at some real-life examples where emotional intelligence has played a crucial role in resolving conflicts. From workplace disagreements to interpersonal conflicts, these case studies demonstrate how empathy, effective communication, and collaboration have led to successful outcomes and strengthened relationships.

8.2 Strategies Used in Successful Conflict Resolution Cases

Examining the strategies employed in successful conflict resolution cases can provide valuable insights into how emotional intelligence can be applied in practice. By analyzing specific techniques, such as active listening, assertive communication, and negotiation, we can gain a better understanding of how to navigate conflicts effectively and achieve win-win solutions.In conclusion, developing emotional intelligence is not only advantageous for personal growth and well-being but also a crucial factor in effective conflict resolution. By honing our self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and communication skills, we can navigate conflicts with greater understanding, compassion, and respect. Cultivating emotional intelligence within ourselves and our environments fosters healthier relationships, promotes collaborative problem-solving, and ultimately leads to more positive outcomes. By embracing emotional intelligence as a key component of conflict resolution, we empower ourselves to create harmonious and productive interactions, both personally and professionally.

0 Comments
2024/01/30
09:29 UTC

2

My crazy racist neighbor screams at me for being a white cracker through the door to my apartment almost daily. I've never spoken to her and don't know her name. What can I do to stop this harassment?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M56kcma78X0

The above is just a small sample of her routine harassment, while I sit in my apartment doing nothing. I have literally never interacted with this woman at all. All i know is she's black and lives upstairs from my apartment. I live in Baltimore Maryland.

What's worst she's called the police twice saying I've threatened her. Since there's absolutely no evidence I did anything to her, since I haven't, the police didn't do anything. The last time one of them advised I get a Peace Order but I'm unsure how I'd do that considering I don't even know who the hell this is.

Don't believe the social justice warriors. I've never been racist, never been judgemental, thats probably why I have a low-income and live in a low-income area. My lack of racism hasn't prevented me from being subjected to racial harassment every week in this majority black neighborhood.

1 Comment
2024/01/29
17:43 UTC

3

How to work with someone who you fought with?

I may have to work with a colleague I don't want to work with (given that I pretty much hated working with them before) and we've also fallen out as friends. I also don't have the chance to opt-out because both of us are needed. Hence, I seek advice as to how to work with the said person without causing any conflict with them.

For context, the reason why I do not speak to the person is because they have supported racist, xenophobic, and misogynist comments directed towards me only because the people who said them are more influential/popular in terms of having connections

0 Comments
2024/01/25
22:01 UTC

3

Thomas Kilmann Two-dimensional Model of Conflict Resolution

0 Comments
2024/01/13
17:25 UTC

2

Unlock Your Peacemaker: 5 Conflict Resolution Models for Growth

Clash no more! Learn 5 secret conflict resolution models to transform disagreements into growth & stronger connections. Dance through life with confidence!

#conflictresolution #communication #relationships #personalgrowth #lifeskills #emotionalintelligence #socialjustice #positivity #lifehacks #selfimprovement #peacemaker #relationshipsadvice #reddit

1 Comment
2023/12/30
14:23 UTC

1

Just don’t ruin the dress

I lived abroad for a few years with my husband and recently returned to my home country. We left furniture and other belongings behind and our apartment has now basically been inherited by my mother in law who stayed behind.

About a month after we left I got a video from my sister in law showing her toddlers dancing in my child’s clothing and playing with some tutus. I was livid. I wanted to scream because I realized she was at my mother in law’s going through our things. Particularly my baby’s clothing being touched and played with really triggered me.

Instead of reacting so angrily and honestly, I replied with, “cute but please don’t ruin the orange dress.” She responded with, “it was just for dancing. I put it back.”

The next day I found out she left our family chat group. I messaged her multiple times and she did not respond to me or even read my messages. The first messages I had sent were, “so you’re mad that I asked you to be careful with the dress? What’s wrong with that?” The messages following that were long and borderline vicious so I decided to delete them before she saw them.

It’s been several days. She did not respond. I also found out that she cried when she saw my initial text about not ruining the dress, and that she immediately put everything back (in what I assume was an angry manner.) Her husband also saw the message and called her up to tell her to “return everything” because apparently she had already taken toys and furniture and who knows what else, back to her apartment.

Was I wrong? Did it seem like I implied something about her kids when I used the word “ruin”? On one hand, I did use that word because THEY ruin things. They’re rancbunctious and she knows it. But on the other hand, is any small kid above ruining things?

She seems really spoiled and entitled right now. But I am wondering if there is a blind spot for me somewhere.

I’ve since responded by blocking her, her husband and my mother in law from all social media.

Any advice? Insights? Thanks for reading

Btw, I did mention to my husband that I didn’t want to give anything to my sister in law once we left. I asked him to also let his mom know that I still wanted to keep the baby clothes for various reasons but that I couldn’t pack everything at that time so asked for her to just keep it where it’s at. Whether or not these things were told to my sister in law, I don’t know for sure.

0 Comments
2023/12/21
17:01 UTC

5

How to de-escalate conflicts by understanding what is behind an angry reaction

0 Comments
2023/11/21
00:00 UTC

1

how do i gracefully cut off my roommate who used to be a close friend

i’m looking for advice on how to respectfully yet firmly ask my roommate to move out. we are 3 living in the apartment, and roommate A and I found the place together as we were close friends and had lived together before without any problems. we had an a extra room and filled it with roommate B. Roommate A and I are on the lease, Roommate B is not.

Roommate A has been consistently very challenging to live with. They moved in their partner without asking for significant period of time without asking/informing us, don’t clean up, won’t buy apartment necessities, doenst lock the door and are very loud. We have had SIX conversations (each one growing in tension) about their living habits and how they need respect us roommates- with little to no chage in behaviour. Their excuse is they ‘forget’ these things. This has obviously created significant tension. In the last conversation, we asked them to move out, and they said they did not want to.

The poor behaviour has continued. Other personal issues occurred on top of the living conflict that made me and Roommate B realize this is not a person we can live in close quarters with. Roommate A is trying to be my friend again, but I decided for my well being I cannot live with or be friends with them.

Though our relationship is very strained, I do have an emotional connection to this person and so not want to cause emotional harm to them. However, I need to set up boundaries and cannot live like this any further. Any advice on how to go forward from here in a mature yet firm way is much appreciated- I’m feeling pretty lost. Thanks:)

0 Comments
2023/10/26
03:24 UTC

1

Best way to go about asking roommate to turn down music/bass?

So I just moved into a huge house in a quiet neighborhood with three roommates -- a couple, and another guy. We all found the house on Craigslist and didn't know each other up until last week. After living with everyone for a week, I'm realizing that one of the people in the couple like to play their music over the speakers in their room. Everyone else plays things on their phone or headphones.

I'm pretty bummed because the reason I moved from my last place is because my neighbor would blast his music from his truck directly below my apartment and I'd get bass bumping music pumped into my apartment almost every night. I would ask him to turn it down but he would keep doing it.

It sucks because I've only known these people for a week and we haven't really talked that much as we've all been pretty busy. So I don't want this to be the first conversation we're having as to come across as a controlling roommate right off the bat.

I think because of my past experience with the noisy neighbor, I am just very sensitive to specifically bass-ey music. Like a few times they've been playing their music off their computer in their room and it's totally fine.

What is the best way to go about this? I'm thinking I'll probably propose a dinner for all of us to hang out and get to know each other and then take it from there.

Also curious if anyone has had a similar situation and was able to find a solution?

TLDR; My roommate plays music over their speakers and the bass carries into my room. What is the best way to ask them to not play it over the bass-ey speakers?

1 Comment
2023/10/17
01:25 UTC

1

Best available tools/software for conflict resolution, real-time

Hi - Looking for tools that can help with conflict resolution that aren't only "you should read this book" or "take this course". Thanks!

0 Comments
2023/09/25
21:56 UTC

2

What are your US 2024 presidential predictions?

https://preview.redd.it/suf0ngak3gqb1.png?width=2590&format=png&auto=webp&s=46d2b148bafcf5d7a87391ae7447206c188dab9a

Hey everyone!

Founder and creator of a site called Politarian.com. A free website for people who like to make political predictions; letting people post who they think will win in a future election.

Complete Anonymity: Make predictions with full anonymity – your account details stay private.

Predict the Future: Dive into predicting federal and state elections for 2023-2024. Decode the paths to victory.

Public or Private: Share your predictions publicly or keep them all to yourself – it's your call.

Candidate Insights: Access comprehensive candidate info – news, endorsements, bios – everything to make sharp predictions.

Politarian is nonpartisan regarding any political party; rather focusing on transparency, holistic information, accountability, and a simple-to-use interface as to navigate the complex political landscape.

I would appreciate any feedback and look forward to seeing your predictions on Politarian.com!

Update: 1.1: Hey y’all! We just made an update to Politarian.com!! We added Social Media to the candidate profiles. Hope you guys can join us in making a primary prediction for the 2024 election :)

0 Comments
2023/09/25
18:35 UTC

3

How to ask someone for space temporarily

For the sensitive people out there like myself, how do you deal with getting overwhelmed in an interpersonal conflict?

I find that sometimes I just need to step away for a while. Yet I don't always have the energy to verbalize this. Sometimes I just have to take some distance and then, later, try to reconnect. Ideally, I'd like to be able to TELL them I need some time away so that their needs for understanding and care get met. I don't like when others "ghost" me, and so I don't want to do it to others.

Do you have any wisdom to share?

0 Comments
2023/09/01
22:54 UTC

3

TRIP Acronym

Hi. I make animated videos about peace and conflict. Here is one on the types of conflict:

https://youtu.be/71XqGsmpkDw

0 Comments
2023/07/07
12:28 UTC

2

"Struggling with Social Situations: Dealing with Insistent Requests"

First and foremost, let me introduce myself. I am not your average person when it comes to social situations. I struggle with responding appropriately and reacting in a way that is considered normal. My circle of friends is limited to just two people from my high school days, and outside of them, I hardly speak to anyone.Today, a friend of my brother - who is not particularly close to me - asked me to draw a sketch for his girlfriend. Truth be told, I really didn't want to do it. However, he was persistent and even went as far as offering to take me out to a street vendor for a meal. I agreed to go along, but he continued to pressure me into drawing the sketch.Unfortunately, I've been in similar situations before where I said "no" but the other person became aggressive and started speaking to me rudely, even in a threatening manner. As a result, I ended up giving in and doing their work for them - something that used to happen a lot in high school when I was bullied.So, my question to you is: How should I respond if I find myself in a similar situation again? I want to be able to stand my ground without feeling intimidated or pressured into doing something I don't want to do.

1 Comment
2023/05/11
16:45 UTC

1

Is “ dropping it” the same as holding a grudge? Person A: says the person not talking about it or not talking to the person is dropping it. Person B says holding a grudge and not talking about it is not dropping it.

3 Comments
2023/02/26
13:45 UTC

1

AITA For wanting to confront one of the guys at my best friend’s bachelor party?

My friend is getting married and we have been saving up to split costs of a bachelor’s party trip to yellowstone, airbnb, flights, rental car, suits for the wedding, etc.

One of the guys involved who I’ve never particularly vibed with decided to buy the groom’s ticket.

He posted in the groupchat that splitting the cost everyone would have to chip in $145.

I didn’t immediately read too much into this but as time went on it began to set in.

There are 8 of us. $145 each equates to a fucking $1,160 ticket. I asked the best man (different guy) if I was right in my assessment but he just confirmed my observation and said that it was almost more because the guy was thinking of having the purchaser and the groom sit together on the flight.

This guy who purchased the ticket by the way is an engineer. He’s got no excuse to make a mistake this big with numbers. Completely inconsiderate.

I got my ticket late and it may have come to a grand total of a little over $500.

I’m pissed because it’s an unnecessary strain on all of us and the holidays just passed. I don’t want to make bad blood before the trip but it should be made clear that this decision was a massive blunder.

I assume at this point it’s too late for a refund. Another convenient issue that makes me feel forced into this unnecessary expenditure that any person with common sense would have avoided. I’ve been thinking of paying it but making him post the receipt, though i doubt that would make me feel better. I’ve told the group chat that I needed a bit more time to gather my share. The thing is that money is not really a big problem for me but this is just downright stupid and wasteful. I feel bad for my cohorts who aren’t making as much and are roped into this as well though i think they’re all just putting on brave faces.

Should i just swallow this pill and move on for the sake of keeping the peace at the party? Or should i find an appropriate way to call out this issue? I feel forced into a scam that no one wants to make a fuss about because we are all going to take this trip together and be there for a week.

1 Comment
2023/01/24
19:08 UTC

2

Looking for advice

I have been with my partner for over 10 years now, but have great difficulty to stay calm and collected during our conflicts.

When conflict arises, I feel a great deal of stress, anxiety and fear that the relationship will end and so I instantly feel the need to fix the problem and move forward, to never talk about the issue again (I know this isn’t the best way of dealing with conflict). During the moments of silence that follow after the conflict starts, I feel my heart racing, my stomach flipping, I feel sick, my face feels red hot and my cheeks go so red.

Has anybody else experienced this? Or do you have any strategies I could use to maybe overcome these feelings?

1 Comment
2023/01/04
21:10 UTC

2

Conflict Resolution Skills

Good day!

How can improved conflict resolution skills improve people's well being (work, school, home, etc) and the world in general?

0 Comments
2022/07/16
17:41 UTC

1

AITA?

I’ve been having a rough few months at work. I started a new position at work (promoted) and I’m really struggling with confidence. I’ve had a few “spats” with my supervisor and I feel as though anytime there is an issue, I’m in a catch 22 scenario.

Background story: I work at a great competitive company. I’ve been there for a year and a half and just got promoted. I was assigned a supervisor/mentor. This mentor is notorious for being a difficult person and many people have outwardly declared they don’t work with her / avoid her. My new team has the highest turnover throughout the entire company. I’m friendly with everyone and generally well liked. I trained an entire team in my prior role and I genuinely enjoy my work mates. I’ve never had a conflict at work till I started working with this person.

Incident: I noticed the superiors in a transaction had missed an important documents for someone on the client party. In my training, my supervisor drilled into me that this document is crucial for the client party. It is a foundational document to all the transactions we do and generic. She was out of office, I noticed this document was missing from the client binder. I reviewed the documents and was pretty certain we needed it. I spoke to three senior laterals and they reviewed the documents and confirmed this document is needed. One of them suggested I confirm with a team superior and send it out. Considering i had two other senior laterals review, I made the mistake of not sending to the team leader to let him know we missed it / let him know I was sending it. I drafted the document and sent it out for signature.

When my supervisor returned, she was livid that I drafted the document and sent it out to the client. I apologized profusely for sending without checking in with the leader and spoke about how I did my research to confirm we needed it. She was not satisfied with my answer and interrogated me into giving up who confirmed we needed it. I stalled because I didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus. Mind you, we did in fact need this document and everyone on the team did not register it was missing. My supervisor did not once acknowledge it was needed after all. Which I understand, because the issue being addressed was sending the document out without checking in with the team and I understood why that is important in the larger context. After her brutal interrogations, I caved and told her the most senior lateral (second to her in repute/experience) confirmed the document was needed. I highlighted that I was the one that made the decision to send it out without letting the leader know and this person did not instruct me to send it out, they just confirmed we needed it. I didn’t share the other two people who reviewed because I didn’t want to make it worse. When I look back, I should’ve just stayed quite and taken the L but my supervisor was relentlessly hounding me on who I conferred with.

A few days later, I got an odd call from my coworker (the senior lateral) who sounded upset and was questioning my professionalism. I was puzzled during the call and didn’t entirely know how to respond or what she was talking about because she was being vague (it was her last week, so there was a myriad of things she was saying) I assume my supervisor told her I said she instructed me to send the document, which I never did and made clear on the original call with the supervisor. Or maybe she was yelled at for reviewing the item with me? AITA? I’m gaslighting myself into believing I’m dishonest but I also know what I said and didn’t say. I’m not stupid enough to blame someone else for my mistake and I make full apologies when I am wrong.

The mistake at hand wasn’t if the document should’ve gone out, but my lack of communication with the team. How should I have handled this situation? Am I in denial/blind to my errors? I don’t want to get the reputation of someone who can’t own up to her mistakes/is dishonest but I feel as though I was truthful and this woman makes me feel crazy.

3 Comments
2022/07/06
05:06 UTC

3

What interventions reliably attenuate or ameliorate a Culture of Victimhood?

The psychological work of Carl Rogers taught me that choosing to be a victim is one of the most disempowering choices a person can make. Nevertheless it's a tempting choice for someone who lacks motivation for any reason, because it makes an easy excuse for inaction. I can see how this same principle might apply, to some degree, at the level of human groups who choose to cultivate a strong collective narrative of victimhood.

A Culture of Victimhood ("CoV"), as I define this term, forms when an entire generation of a community has undergone grievous injustices at the hands of a more powerful group, and the group responds by giving the injustices they've suffered, and their aftereffects, their full attention, indefinitely. Historical grievances, and their connections to ongoing social problems, become a centerpiece of people's thoughts, discussions, gatherings, and media. Thus generations of the community's children grow up with the sense that there is nothing they can do, and it's all some other group's fault. After reaching a critical mass, this begets a culture that feels completely disaffected from, even adversarial towards, neighboring groups, especially more powerful and well-off ones who are blamed for the community's past and present troubles. Complete lack of hope, life purpose, or motivation to better oneself — other than airing and avenging grievances — becomes commonplace. Quality of life and life expectancy lag. Vices of all sorts become rampant. Real community becomes rare, and what's there to be found generally isn't wholesome. Those who try to rise above all this negativity this are treated to a "bucket of crabs" mentality, and get accused of disloyalty to their people. Frequently all the power and resources in these communities are held by a small number of political "bosses" or shady business tycoons (de facto gangsters, often). These robber barons fashion themselves champions of their people's struggle, and egg on their people's anger at outside groups, to distract from their greed and lack of real leadership chops.

This Culture of Victimhood, as I call it, is a common phenomenon throughout history and today, and I can't imagine this pattern hasn't been thoroughly studied, analyzed, and debated by the social sciences. But then again maybe not; in the age of cancel culture, this is a potentially dangerous subject for a scholar to research and publish about. And on that note, I'll give the only example of a recent CoV that I feel comfortable giving, due to my ethnic and class ties to it: the "Southies" or poor Irish-Americans from South Boston. There are others that come readily to mind, but it's arguably not my place to point them out, and more to the point, I don't want the heat for making statements about what I have not lived and do not understand.

I think I understand fairly well how a CoV forms. What I have no idea about, and would like to learn more about, is how a CoV dissolves. What kinds of interventions and sea changes in the natural and human environments tend to attenuate a CoV, and break its cycle of intergenerational negativity?

0 Comments
2022/02/11
02:54 UTC

2

Help: What should be done?

PLEASE READ: Should I send this relative home or no?

We were having a family gathering for Thanksgiving, and all of the families were taking pictures. My 37-year-old nephew was here as well, and he started tearing up. All of a sudden, he started shouting:, this is ridiculous! My life is a failure, I’m almost 40, not married, no children.“

After that, he threw the plastic plates and screamed: “Fuck y’all and these photos, rubbing shit in my face.” Then, some other relatives, mostly male, started getting into his face. They were yelling, jumping up and down, and pushing each other. While this was happening, his mother, sister, and grandma took him for a walk. They are gone, and everyone is saying he needs to leave. I don’t want him to spend thanksgiving alone, what should we do?

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0 Comments
2021/11/25
20:27 UTC

0

Husband vs. good friend

0 Comments
2021/10/31
03:12 UTC

2

Have you come across a fillable conflict resolution worksheet?

Say for example, husband and wife are having issues communicating about minor items: where to go camping, which car to buy, etc

Is there a fillable conflict resolution worksheet that directs both parties into an amicable solution?

4 Comments
2020/10/20
17:00 UTC

40

United States Institute of Peace FREE courses till end of 2020

The United States Institute of Peace has made all its course catalogue free for the remainder of 2020.

I’d highly recommend taking a look, some very valuable resources in the catalogue.

Link: USIP course catalogue

Happy learning!

2 Comments
2020/08/12
08:18 UTC

7

Conflict Resolution with Karens

Since my urban neighborhood has become gentrified, there are many more Karens and I want to learn positive and successful ways to deal with them. For example, today I was storing wood for my small fire pit in my large backyard when my Karen next door neighbor told me I could not do that because there is a law against fire pits in the city. I called the fire department to check this and they said there is no such law and fire pits are fine. What is a socially intelligent way to deal with such a situation and still have my guest not freeze?

0 Comments
2020/06/26
02:32 UTC

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