Hey all, I've seen a lot of misinformation being peddled on u/bgoldman's failed experiment over at r/AVL. So without further ado, I provide you with the:

r/TheHotSpot's Official How To Survive in Asheville Guide 2024:

#Essential Info:

• DO NOT under any circumstances call the cops. They are overburdened currently training all FEMA employees on how to correctly stab water bottles in the event a feminist attacks them with one.
• DO NOT ask for the backdoor special at the swannanoa Waffle House. I still can't walk properly.
• DO NOT share your Delta8 or CBD with your neighbors. They might be undercover agents checking for lithium deposits around your house. They will eminent domain you faster than you can say, "Free Water on the South Slope".
• DO NOT stop at nonfunctioning stoplights. That's very beta according to my sources (TikToks)

#Places you can get free showers:

• My grandma's house near Sandy Mush Bald. You'll need either a jetpack or a lot of monster energy drinks if you're strong. The outhouse next to the shower also has glory hole options, cash only. Be gentle with my meemaw.
• EarthFare now offering coconut water spray downs.
• YMCA, but you'll likely get your ass slapped by one of our city council members on the way in...

#Best places to barter your useless children for essential items:

• u/Kenilwort's house
• Buzzard Rock, during the new moon
• Seely's Castle, y'all knew that tho
• any of Hector Diaz's restaurants, ask for Marco and wink really slowly

#Places you can cry very loudly and not expect to be checked in on:

• your bedroom
• Pritchard Park
• The Crucible
• Historic Collection at downtown library, flood photos section
• Mannheimer's voicemail inbox that is overfull
• literally anywhere that has power already

Good luck denizens

Yo everything still smells like cigarettes, no whores, no diet drinks, just some dumb Betties who can swipe a card. They wouldn't even give me a patch the fuckers.

So annoying!

Wow, these mods sure are stinky! I'm going to spend my time whinging about that instead of providing aid or disaster relief. People will write about the r/Asheville revolution when this is all over. r/Asheville used to be great. The mods ruined it!

I am so grateful for the folks that have come here to boost their own egos by filming their rescue efforts. Really. 100%. I'm not even joking. Get those Instagram likes.

When I saw the first Helene post on r/thehotspot it kinda pissed me off. Too soon, ya know. Then I actually read it and some of the comments and it gave me a little chuckle... Shit is fucked and everyone processes grief differently. So basically thanks for kicking me in the funny bone while I'm down.

And now they aren't my friends anymore. I moved up from Del Ray because those liars told me that I wouldn't have to worry about HURRICANES and THE CLIMATE because of the mountains and the crystals or some shit. Now here we are 12 days out from electric or real cell service and I haven't bathed or wiped my ass since Thursday and I think I can smell myself.

I lost three acrylics in the wind while frantically waving my hand at the dozens of big white truck electric dudes that kept racing down the highway like they had some place to be. This is the worst. More Liars.

But the worst part is I just finished renevations on my bespoke over-30 trailer home commune-ity and now it's washed down the River and I can't even get enough service to post the photos to insta.

Becky, Becky, Sebastian, Ro, Oliver

I am putting your names out there so people can know what liars you are. There is totally a climate in AVL. The crystals are NOT protecting this hillbilly town.

I need a good ole cathartic let loose boo hoo.

I know this is your fault because you're pumping liberal fluids into our mayor but thanks anyway. Also wtf the mayor gonna do but lay down and take it?

I accidentally dropped my taquito last night as I was walkin' back from the gas station. The evil Nazi furry cuck mods removed my post about it. Just in case people were wondering why not all the taquitos are being found.

HOW COME WHEN THERE IS A DISASTER THE SITTING PRESIDENT JUST COINCIDENTIALLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE MAJORITY RACE OF THE PEOPLE THAT ARE AFFECTED.

YE DID NOTHING WRONG

My investors and I are super excited to help the people of Asheville in this dire time. We plan to build a bridge from Asheville to Charlotte so that you can get out of there when this happens again (because global hottening, amirite??). Now accepting a pupu platter of cryptos, including Cardano, Sui, Pui, Gui, Monero, and Ussy. Get in my DMs if you want in on the ground floor of this future savior of Asheville!

Note: This is not investment advice.

I need a new flatscreen and Xbox controller for when the power comes back on. What stores are closed/lightly guarded?

Where are you driving? How do you not have trees blocking your road? Did y'all not prepare when the weather forecast was calling for historic flooding last week? At least fill up the tank and buy some food? Y'all can certainly overwhelm Ingles the day before it snows.

Fuck tourists amirite?

Don't @ me

Read the fucking two megathreads you dumb fucks. Holy shit. Might be about time to suspend rule 1, jesus.

I got banned from wax and asheville subreddit I think within one hour of my post. I was making fun of this guy which I guess is not okay so I’ll blur the user name out but I think mr marvelous man was just giving us all good advice to let Jesus take the wheel. In the name of our savior, Carrie underwood

This storm was SENT BY GOD because of the deGENEracy PROmulgated by ashevillains ...... They have been and will continue to be GODLESS HEATHENS . ...... if you don't want xtreme weather events stop with the Xtreme politics!!!!!!!!

Wtf bruh?

Preferably from somewhere that has a no-tip policy.

TYIA for all your help. Stay safe!

might run one up there

All you Chads and choads out there who blow their yard waste and leaves into the roadway and especially leaves into storm drains. I hope you get bitten by a parasite that takes your brain over causing you to rip your own nuts off. Meanwhile I'm taking on water may I BWR. Also this town, amirite?