I’m tired of being called strong for enduring trauma and suffering after not being taken seriously by organisations that are supposed to help me, not having family that care and ensuring health conditions.

I want to die. It’s as simple as that. I have no reason to live and every time that I try and fight for myself it ends up in a deeper pit of despair. People keep telling me how amazing I am etc, it’s annoying. I’m not amazing. I’m suffering and I’m so tired. If I was as strong as people say I am I would not be here. I’ve attempted suicide 3 times in the past. I’m getting to a point where being alive is just tormenting myself. I’m 27 and I remember feeling like I didn’t want to be here from aged 6. Maybe even earlier with the abandonment and neglect I’ve been through.

I’m sorry I’m just ranting here because no one in my life can seem to accept how I feel. They’re just placing their own expectations on me to just keep suffering for their sake. The only thing stopping me from ending my life is literally the fear that it won’t work and I’ll live with even more suffering.

My life has become very hard lately and the fact that I am writing this write now don't know why. Everything just feels meaningless , in school I am dizzy all the time. I know I am struggling with severe depression but I don't even want to become better now , I just don't know. There are lots of going on, family problems money, school. I came to new city this year and in high school .i am 14 and i dobt how am i going to survive other future years , I just want to end , I just I don't know. I behave bad with my family, they beat me sometime, literally just a minute ago and after a while it seems everything is normal but it in not ok. Actually there are lot of reasons behind it i called my mom psycho,crazy , because how she beats me, but I even called her bad words because idk , I know I should not have done that , but I just knowing dont enjoy anything, I just feel bad. I don't know. I used to tell my friends and close cousins about this but now it just feels meaningless because tomorrow again I have to go school be alone , the main Fact I can not communicate, it's just idk I m introverted what the hell should I do. I don't even what to know, I just don't know. When my mom beat me , I thought I will end but then I have this fear of God, that a new torture a new pain will begun if I end this. But I dont even believe in God but myb I do but why , why can I not end this. I hate this life . I disgust everyone but I have nothing to do.

My father is diagnosed with double depression (Persistent Depressive Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder) and has been attending therapy for a while now. He insists that he has not loved my mother for almost ten years, but he never communicated this to her. He claims that “my mom is neglecting him for years” and has not expressed his concerns until recently. One day, he simply told her that they should break up and has since resented her, blaming her for his depression. He even cheated with someone younger, telling my mom that “she should just live with it and let him do whatever he wants.”

My mom is struggling through all of this. I recently read her text messages to friends where she expressed suicidal thoughts, feeling that her sacrifices and love for my father are not enough, especially since he continues to cheat. She feels unable to leave him because we are fully dependent on him financially, and it seems she's deeply hurt by how he has treated her.

It’s really hard for me to go through this. I'm still a student so I don't have any power over my situation. Please help me. Thank you.

Every other day I feel terrible and the thought of suicide comes. I feel like my problems aren't valid enough to deserve to be sad. I feel like a spoiled brat. I hate myself and I just want disappear so I can stop suffering and people can get over the bother of me existing. I don't know when. But I feel like it could be any day now.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but surely one day I'll just pass a rope around my neck and jump.

The only thing holding me back right now is that I'm going straight to hell. I have no more will to live, only fear. I bloddy know that no one is going to miss me anyway's and thats ok, I'm not important and is probably better for the others this way.

My mom died, she killed herself in the beginning of the year and somehow I envie her courage. Now I'm living in my dad's familly house (17y), I did'nt quite knew them before and I wish I never had to meet them. They molest me.

I hate every second I have to spend here and yet even when I go to college (law school) this felling of empty don't fade away. Because I am the ploblem. Not the suicide of my mother neither I don't have any friends or being molested, no. I'm the ploblem. It's deep inside. Even when I had once a familly, friends, a home this felling was there.

It wouldn'dt be the first time I try to kill myself, I already tried in 2019. Was the worst thing I've ever did was to had to live with the fate I failed and now everone look's at me as a damn crazy. I can't even go to a psychologist because of that, in the past's years I did my best to hide that I'm not fine and sudenly ask for money to my alcoholic dad that I rarely see was going to destroy it all. Tried to sell grocieres at the college but or I eat or go to a doc.

I've always dreamed about being a renowed writter but now all I want is go to a church, confess my sins and ask God for forgiveness before dump the chair into the ground hangging my fate forever.

I am going to jump I don’t care anymore. I am male 23 from India and my girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me with a foreigner and she has no remorse the guy doesn’t even care about her I hate my life I have no choice

I want to fucking jump and die.

Don’t you guys feel jealous when someone dies? I’m a nurse and when someone passes, I wish it was me instead. Or like Liam Payne died last week. I was thinking: Why not me? Like i can’t also do this anymore. I feel so anxious about life. The only reason I don’t give up is because of my boyfriend.

I'm 27 and still living with my parents because the thought of working made me sick so didn't finish school and expected to one day just leave and starve myself somewhere but was too scared to. I hate myself because I think I'm dumb and ugly. I constantly berate myself.

The last 1,5 or so year I've tried to find work anyway beause I've wanted to be gone from home since I was like 13 or something as well because I hate everyone there and I couldn't take it anymore but just can't find it even for work you'd think you wouldn't have to know anything and they supposedly have a hard time to find any people to hire for. I'm going to start a job training for carpenter in november to raise my chances but it is taking so long.

It just feels so useless. I've missed out on all of my firsts and wasted the only years I ever cared about. No intimacy, no university, practically no partying. The last couple days I looked up at what age young people first have intimate experiences and it made me feel so terrible. I feel like I'm not normal and dont belong. I long neglected my teeth because it felt like too much work and I didn't think I would live anyway and now I've got holes and spots that I can't reach or don't go away. No woman is going to want me now even if my crooked face and personality weren't a hurdle already. By living so long at home and feeling bad, sometimes accidentally seeing familiy members naked and watching porn I'm scared that I have been desensitized and feel like even if I did get some intimacy now I wouldn't value it anymore. A woman wanting to hold my hand or hug me used to be a dream. Now I feel like I wouldn't bat an eye. I feel ashamed for having watched porn before ever having experience on my own and while still living at home and not being able to stop.

For me life ends at the latest at 40 if I want to stretch it, really more like 34 or 35, because I hate the idea of not being young and beautiful (relatively speaking in my case) anymore. And I worry a lot beforehand so really that timeframe is even shorter and I feel like I've already passed it. I would just spend those years thinking "well, it's over. It's not worth it anymore". Who even wants to be with someone like that? I'm such a loser in comparison to everyone my age. And they must have all found each other by now and be in the process of having kids while I stay behind alone. Even if that weren't the case the idea that I would have to start my first relationship or intimacy as a grown adult at a time when women my age are starting to become less fertile (a sign of not being young anymore) feels so pathetic and demeaning and makes me feel so old.

I'm starting to doubt whether I even want a relationship or sex anymore because it might just make me feel worse. Why would anyone even want me? Nobody wants someone who's sad and negative. I'm not that social and don't have that much to say even though a lot of the time nowadays I feel lonely. The idea of dating is so weird and scary and I would feel like I have to ask her questions not because I'm genuinely that interested but because it's expected and that makes me feel superficial and simple.

And for me relationships and sex are what life was about. There is nothing else I want to do, nothing that interests me anymore, nothing that would make it worth it to suffer through having to go to work every day. I don't think if my situation were to improve, get a job and move into an appartment immediately, I would feel any better. It's too late for that I think. I will always carry this feeling with me. I've been going to a psychologist for a year, something that for the longest time I never would have even considered and have only done because I felt so low and it doesn't do anything.

I feel tired of worrying about everything. What people think of me, my health, my dick and whether or not there is something wrong with it and I could have gone earlier for a checkup, my future, etc. I don't even know what to do every day anymore. I hate going to sleep because it always takes so long and half of the time I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. Every day is so long. Everything goes. so. fucking. sloooooooow. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate my life.

Please help me. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I met my boyfriend for the first time during Christmas. It happens to be only and the most beautiful event of my entire life. We were so much in love and despite being educated and careful I ended up getting pregnant. I didn't know that for a month or so. This man did everything always to take care of my problems, for once I decided to deal with my issues by myself, call it foolishness, call it whatever but maybe I was also scared that he might end up hating me or regret meeting me because it led to the pregnancy, out of my own fears, and also the fear of disappointing him but most importantly to keep him out of trouble I chose to take care of the pregnancy by myself. I got abortion done with the help of my friend who happens to be a doctor.

As if this emotional turmoil wasn't enough I got to know that it would be extremely difficult for me to get pregnant again, there was some issue with my fallopian tube and cystic masses in my ovary. It was advised that I get a PAP done. I have been dealing with GAD for few years since I've known the term and whole situation was stressful in itself that I developed hypertension during pregnancy, I was dealing with all of this by myself.

My boyfriend chose to not breakup with me considering my situation, perhaps I used to think out of pity, empathy whatever you call it. Having dealt with pregnancy by myself at that point of time I was ready to deal with everything by myself and it wouldn't have killed me if he left and I told him the same, but he chose to stay, note- only till I lost my child. If only I knew that he was offering me a shoulder to cry on only till I dealt with the baby situation I would have disappeared all by myself.

I never wanted to be a parent because I was too scared that I would be a terrible one, my relationship with my parents is flawed, I thought I might end up inflicting that on my child, but not that I've lost my child, I feel like somebody took something from my body, like I lost my heart, my kidney, my idk, it might even sound crazy that I'm comparing child with body organ but idk how to describe that loss. I was grieving all alone, I took help of abortion support and post partum depression groups to cope with the loss, hoping that someone will be able to guide me with it, I took therapy but I didn't know how to get out of the guilt. I killed my child - it kept echoing in my ears anytime I tried to accept or forget what had happened with me.

I saw the person I loved get close and distant from me back and forth. I felt guilty for hiding it from him, he deserved to know as the father of the child, not that he would have decided to keep the baby or I would have told him that we should, I wasn't ready and neither was he but I should have told him. I also badly wanted him to be with him throughout, I told him not to fly but deep down I wanted only him.

This whole year was like a punishment. Some time after my abortion I was experiencing discomfort and discharge from my breast and I thought it was normal. I kept suffering in silence. When it got too much to bear I saw a doctor and there were lumps in my breast and axilla, suggestive of matted nodes. It broke me.

I have indulged in self harm as a teenager also, I didn't have much expectations from my life or the urge to live but this guy changed the way I feel. I got the desire to live, to have a life with him and now life was taking away that opportunity from me. I went on to hide so many details about my health from him because I didn't want to hurt him and I wanted to spend my time with him. My friend told him about my condition because she thought that he deserved to know the truth. The more I got to know about the severity of my situation, the more distant I grew from reality. I hid information from my best friend and family and my boyfriend. Without telling anybody about my actual situation I expected love, warmth, support and quality time and when I didn't get that I started feeling depressed and started feeling that nobody cares about me and that I was meant to be abandoned by people who I loved.

I was at my lowest and a friend of mine took advantage of me. I was too depressed to understand what had happened to me. I was sexually assaulted as a teenager and all the pain and memories hit me, it hit me so hard that I could never get out of it. I was ready to accept death. I popped in all the pills,all at once to end the physical pain and emotional damage, but god wasn't done punishing me, I was saved.

My boyfriend tried to be there for me, he helped me financially but I knew that he doesn't care anymore. He did that because we were in a relationship once. Very soon he broke up with me. The only person by my side was gone, I was all alone. I blamed my friend for my break up, instead of being grateful to her I blamed her and stopped speaking to her. I begged her and my ex to keep my health situation a secret till my dying day. I had hit rock bottom, I tried being his friend to keep him in my life, he stopped calling or texting and then eventually he stopped answering my calls and replying to my texts.

Our relationship wasn't all merry and laughter to begin with but he was my Santa Claus and being with him was magical, in moments I needed him he wasn't there and instead of hating him,I started giving excuses for his absence that's when I knew that I loved him dearly and that no matter how much he ends up hurting me I would always love him. We broke up endless number of times but would always get back in less than 24 hours. This time he was gone for real and my stupid heart couldn't differentiate earlier breakups from this one. He said I'm not the one for him and that he would never give me a second chance. We had seen worse, but we always would come back together and I just couldn't accept that I won't be spending my time left with the person I love, with the person who gave me reasons to continue. With him he took away whatever was remaining in my life. He took away everything that I had.

I have cried every single day this year, I begged god to show me mercy and I reached a point where I begged god to end my life because losing him is killing me every minute. I can't contact him now, I have lost him. I shamelessly kicked my self respect and begged him every single day when all he told me in response was to leave him and let him move on. I couldnt believe how he badly he started treating me but all I did was hear all that and accept his behaviour because i thought that I deserved it for hiding my pregnancy from him, I thought that I deserved that punishment but he didn't stop at all.I was surprised that the person who told me that he would stay with me and that we would come out of this bad phase doesn't want to have to do anything with me or even hear me.My friends told me that it must be because of his family ( since he had told them about my pregnancy)or because he is cheating on me, I refused to believe that. This guy who wouldn't even think for a second to trade his life with mine cannot be cheating on me or leaving me at my worst. I always get a feeling that he's hurting because of whatever happened, despite how I am feeling I wanted to hug him tight and tell him that we are gonna be fine and that this Christmas would take away all our sufferings but he left me for good and every single thing reminds me of him.

I tried so fucking much, I tried apologizing, I begged him, i did everything but he didn't listen to me, I checked his profile every fucking minute to see if he had unblocked me, if he came back to me. I didn't want my health be the excuse why he stays back so I didn't tell him that I'm getting worse. I thought he'll take a break and come back to me but he didnt. I don't know what to do with the gifts, the memories, the forever calendar on my table or his shirt, the pictures or videos, conversations or anything at all. I don't know how to live without him being a part of my life. I don't know how to stop loving him. I don't know how to be okay with the idea of not seeing him ever again. I don't know how to be okay with not knowing how he is, I don't know how to be okay being in his blocklist, I don't know how to be fine knowing that I am the person he hates the most now and wants to stay away from his life.

I won't be able to continue anymore and I don't wish to be alive to see another year without him by my side. I fucking would kill in a minute to talk to him, to meet him once but he has forgotten me. I have started self harm without actually realizing what I'm doing. Even though god has snatched time from me, I don't wanna stick around to live the rest of the days with this pain and suffering. I have been a burden to him and my family , I will try to stick around for a month, do my due diligence and end my life before it comes to a whole circle of one fucking miserable year.I will always love him and cherish the last two years that we were together but I don't have reason to continue henceforth. Hoping to meet him and the child I shamelessly killed in next life. I quit.

I can get almost any medication how i mixe to dia without sofrer and more pian ?

It has become clear that my wife no longer loves me. I have very few friends, and they are hundreds of miles away from me. My dad died last week, and she acts like I’m being overly emotional about it. We opened up our relationship two years ago, and she has been having crazy wild sex with at least 7 people. She won’t have sex with me. All I hear from her is how disgusting I am. How she hates me. We’ve been together for 15 years. We have a 7 year old son. She won’t discuss her sexuality, even though that was part of our agreement going in. I just feel so alone and unloved.

I’ve lived my life in agony for almost two decades now. Here’s some insight into my life.

Parents have always been fighting since I could remember. Their fights were pretty bad with shouts and slams but my brother and I learnt to ignore them through TV or video games

When I was about 10/11 I found out they were about to get a divorce. My father was already married to another at this point and I think he was choosing the other family.

When I was 12, he decided to come back to my family instead and things looked like they were about to get better but a week into this, he died from cancer. He only managed to survive a month after he was diagnosed.

About the same time, some of his business partners stole money from the company and ran off with, and some without, their families. This left my family in deep debt of close to 8 figures.

My lifestyle pretty much changed after that cause a lot of the privileges I had prior had to be given up. My mum somehow managed to get us through that hellhole despite the death threats thrown at our family.

My mum wasn’t able to be home much cause she had to work really late hours to try and keep our family afloat and settle our debts. My grandma lived with us at the time and she took over the role of caretaker in the house.

I realised I had depression only when I started college. And it’s been on full throttle ever since. I used to rely heavily on alcohol to cope with everything but now due to my finances, I’m not able to do so anymore.

I’ve tried killing myself about 5 times now. Two attempts were very close.

Just recently, my grandma passed away and now the house feels emptier than ever. It feels like my home isn’t a home anymore.

I’m tired. I feel lonely. And I can’t take this anymore. My motivation to stay alive was, and has always been my mum. I kept telling myself I can’t put her through anymore pain but my demons are winning against my better judgement. I’ve tried staying alive as long as I could but I think the time has come.

I’m selfish enough now. I want to go. I want this pain to end. I want the voices in my head to stop. They’ll get over my death sooner or later.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused and I’m sorry for the pain I will eventually cause. I’m sorry to everyone who tried to help me. It’s not your fault.

If any of you see this, thank you. Goodbye.

I think my post is getting filtered for some reason so it'll be short... maybe it's specific keywords, I don't know :<

In short, I'm a tgirl in the closet. But I wanted to selfishly be cis. That's all.

Why get a job, why try dating, why try anything if at the end I'm just not something I wanted.

I'll take lunch, then I'll maybe write some note.

I hope in the future it'll get better for everyone, but I've had too much :3

Im turning 13 in December and my family is starting to drive me crazy everyday I have to listen to their stupid problems that they caused literally no one around me is ever calm or chill and it’s never even a big deal my mom is threatening to send me to the mental hospital because apparently I have a eating disorder but I’m a guy and I didn’t know guys could get them??? I’m just not eating for weeks like chill out dude it’s not that big of a deal I’m skinny or whatever but she’s freaking out saying that she can see my bones which ain’t true it’s heathy but whatever all they do is argue or complain or yell over stupid crap and hate on others like be calm but anyways I’m getting tired of doing the same thing every day and I’m gonna kill myself or whatever it’s not that big of a deal like I get told to talk to my mom about getting raped but it was years ago and she will blame me or whatever she’s always mad because she’s bitter and she chose being a gold digger over true love she claims to hate the homos when she LITERALLY HAD A LADY LOVER?? Shes only mad because she chose money over her lover so now shes old and she knows im putting her in a home when she get older but anyways I’m just writing this for advice or whatever I’m gonna die either way so might as well just do it after I read all 9 final destination books I got a noose and a razor and pain killers or whatever so I’m gonna do it or something it don’t matter either way tho I know I’m prolly gonna go to hell for not being a virgin but I couldn’t stop her from doing what she did or whatever it don’t matter

i started having suicial thoughts in seventh or eighth grade. im seveteen now and the last few months its just been worse but i feel that my reasons for attempting are so minor and dumb.

i dont have a bad life im not rich but im not poor, i get pretty good grades and in the top teams for my sports but i still feel like something is wrong like i cant do it im scared to go to uni what if im dumb not just academics other things too but i just think what if im just lazy and telling myself that im suicidal as an excuse

i've attempted a few times before i dont even know if i can call them attempts i think they were pretty pathetic i just tried to stop breathing in bed its not like i can leave the house without my parents knowing or drown myself in the tub im scared to cut myself because of the pain

maybe if there was a gun i could access i would already be dead it would be painless wouldnt it

i wanted to be a doctor but honestly i dobt even know what i enjoy anymore i lost interest in books and i used to be obsessed with

i got a guitar for xmas i loved it but i just dont want to play it

i want help i want someone to know i cant tell my parents i told one of my close friends a few days ago i was/am suicidal when i was rlly drunk and i want to tell my best friend but i dont want to be a burden

i dont want her to think that im faking or just make her think about my problems and feel bad

am i just lazy like i cant seem to focus on schoolwork as well anymore i try to sit and do work but just end up feeling sad and useless in bed doing nothing

am i actually suicidal or being dramatic i dont want to die but i do want it to be over does that even make sense

i tried helplines but they were useless i just want to be happy in what i do and not feel lazy posting this feels like a last resort

do i tell my best friend like what do i do i feel helpless i try to look happy in public but its miserable sometimes i just want to be a loner that just stays at home and does nothing but if thats the case i could just end it but i dont want to leave my family like that i dont want my parents to feel miserable

i feel extra bad because my mom is an immigrant away from home and family she quit her good job and works at a supermarket what if she is depressed

my dad lost his job because his workplace got sold to a developer and the plant is shut down

i dont want to use their money i worry about money a lot

im on a tangent now but bottom line i want to end it and i think about it a lot but dont rlly want to die my reasons seem so weak and pathetic so am i actually suicidal do i need real help

but therapists are expensive and i would feel embarrassed and my dad thinks that antidepressants are bad

am i even depressed the quizes are so useless

idek pls help

Depression sucks my boyfriend ended it with me and my family don’t honestly care about me. I wish I had a family that did. Just wanna end the pain

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m close to losing my job, losing my degree, in significant debt, still living with my parents at 26, haven’t had a boyfriend or girlfriend in over ten years. I don’t have many friends because I’m either working or caring for family members. I had aspirations of being a nurse and having my own flat but I cannot even go to work. The mental health community nurse thinks this is all just “stress”. What do I have to do for people to take me seriously? Do I have to be an active suicide risk? Seriously.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I just disappoint everyone around me these days. The gift of life is significantly wasted on me.

im turning 18 and all i wanted was for me to die there’s no point in continuing this life everything is fucked, god why is everything harsh to me ???!! i’ve been fighting since 11 waiting for it to get better but it just won’t get better im tired, exhausted i already gave up but man wtf im fucked

Nobody reached out. February draws closer. Thanks for trying to the people that cared but my days are numbered 106 to be precise.

My friend texted me multiple times every time something bothered her with her job. I responded every time.

But then I texted her today because something at work bothered me. She didn’t respond at all.

She always does this…. I told myself I’d stop responding to her because she always always does this. But every time she texts me, I don’t have the heart to not respond because I know how it feels to be ignored and not heard…

I thought if I just kept listening to people and being there for them, they’ll see it and reciprocate…

But nobody ever ever ever reciprocates…

I don’t have a single real friend…

If you knew God hated you..

Would you give up? or keep trying to spite them..?

I’ll be 36 in a couple weeks. Fucking amazing I’ve made it this far, but also not. I’m probably an enormous piece of shit, but idk. People like me, they tell me they like me, hell they even tell me I’m a very pretty man. But fuck all this shit, mental illness is a right proper bitch that I can’t handle

I really wish I could take this more seriously but it’s hard for it to feel real knowing how afraid I am of how painful every method seems to be

Idk if any of you saw my last post on here

I am in the process of getting help. I really don’t want to be suicidal

I just wish I was still living the life where I had the hope and love to keep going

I wish it was easier to get a gun

I don’t want to be crippled and living if I jump

I told the woman who did my assessment I’d be able to keep stable but I didn’t realise how hard it’d be

Compared to normal I mean.

(20 nb btw)

Hi

I am thinking about killing myself. My relationship just ended with the man who took all of my firsts, and now I see no point in existence. I told him everything. Now he is gone. He was my rock. He was my future husband. We were making plans to have kids together. I have no one. I am worth nothing without him. I just am an empty shell of a person just walking with no purpose or drive. There is nothing here for me anymore. What is the point of going on? Why should I try anymore? I've been trying to improve my body but it is still so ugly. I look disgusting. No one else could possibly ever want me. I don't want anyone else. I want him... I want my luis.

Tuesday night,made a 911 call I don’t remember, after drinking enough to be in a coma. I felt my heart drop the moment I woke up in ICU, but somehow happy I survived. I don’t know why. It all lasted a day, I feel miserable now. The plan wasn’t even to attempt on Tuesday, but after drinking a little I felt like I had to fuck it up and do it then. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself, I want to be helped but I refuse the help the moment I receive it. A psychiatrist told me I’m a danger to myself and others. I don’t get it. I’m scared of losing my job, everyone I work with knows what I did. I’m leaving the hospital tomorrow, and I fear I’ll try again on Saturday, as I first planned. I lie to people who try to help me then I suffer all by myself. I’m jealous of sick people, at least they know what’s wrong with them.

he's perfect. literally 100% my type. i love everything about him. his dark skin, height, the samurai style dreads, the confidence he has and his entire presence. i love the way he talks and the way he smiles. i love his sense of humour and his style. he's kind, well spoken and fun to be around and to talk to.

but. i was born a male and he was born a straight man. there is no way i could make him love me. there is no way i could forget about him. i think about him everytime im not asleep. and even in my dreams i still see him.

i've never loved anyone before, and i think he's the love of my life. but since i am a man, we cannot be together. if i can't have him, then why would i try to live at all? everytime he posts himself with his gf i wanna cry. i wanna jump off the bridge and fucking disappear from this planet. i know i'm obsessed with him and i'm a terrible human for doing this, but theres nothing i can do. i'm gonna kill myself soon because the pain is not manageable anymore

I hope I die in my sleep tonight please

I’m gonna be an adult soon. my depression causes me to have no energy to do anything but I’m trying my hardest to get through it all. I have no job and currently not in school due to my mental health. my gf of over a year has just called me a loser with nothing going for him basically. It sucks to see her say that because I thought she would support me and be with me all the way but I can see her point of view. I really am a pathetic loser with nothing going for him. I’ve always felt like a failure and a nuisance and now with even my gf saying the same thing everyone else is saying I guess it’s time I should just get on with it. I might end up killing myself soon as now I’ve lost everything and anything I really had. It sucks that I can’t say anything because of how nice I am to others, even despite my gf treating me like absolute shit often I would still forgive her because of how much I love her and I know she would change for the better and become better for me. Sadly it doesn’t really look like that matters tho. Despite all her wrong doings I never got mad at her or say anything to her because I didn’t want conflict so I would just let it slide because she’s just herself and what could I do? Also I hate making others look bad despite how they’ve treated me because I don’t want them to think that about themselves yknow? Just be nice to everyone is kind of my mindset. Sorry for all the venting just wanted to get my thoughts out before anything happens but yea I guess I have nothing going for myself as I’m just a loser who’s throwing his life away. Might as well go out on my own terms