Welcome to /r/Schizotypal.

When I read posts on here I don’t know which ones to believe and which ones to not believe. Also I agree with my diagnosis a bit, like if I read out the symptoms I check a lot of them 8/9, but after like 10 minutes I’m back to convincing myself that I don’t have a problem at all. I don’t know if I should trust the doctors assessment but I also know I should cuz he’s a doctor, but like how do I know for sure so I can stop thinking about it?

so i am honestly completely traumatized from seroquel for stpd, i had to quit myself because it gave me a horrible psychotic episode after 2 years of stability on the medication.

i am doing much much better mentally now even though i obviously have chronic mental health issues

but the problem is i went to see my doctor to talk about how i got off the med because i never told her (couldnt see her until last week, had to get off in august.) so she freaked out on me, the resident made it awkward by saying if i dont want to i dont have to while the doctor kept saying rude shit about me and saying if i wanna suffer like this, bad stuff about other paranoid patients shes had, called me erratic, said that we need to medicate me as soon as possible becayse shes never seen me “distrustful of medication”

im not distrustful of medication… seroquel saved my life. i was crying at this point so she said she can call me on tuesday about it, and sent me a list of medications i have to choose from.

i feel like she thinks im some dangerous evil threat that needs the meds again, im not refusing treatment i just dont want to go through the pain and suffering again because i still cry thinking pf how much pain i was in physically and mentally because of seroquel, not to demonize the medication though

not sure why she has this impression of me and it hurts so bad, i dont know what my options are i dont wanna be bullied inyo this, just because she’s ignorant she doesn’t understand how fucked up it is its like im the fucked up one, i will likely be brave and just tell her no but i hate this treatment just because of my mental illness

i shouldnt even be in this situation in the first place i havent had any suicidal thougjts in over a year now and even though i still have symptoms its not like i have extremely bad ones or anything like that and i know myself well enough that if i ACTUALLY needed to be medicated again then i would

I've experienced difficulties "getting" why many things are the way they for most of my life. I have not come across anything that actually describes this phenomenon except Self-Disorder, which happens to describe it almost exactly. Its strange, as I have no problem logically understanding things, but they fail to resonate with me on a affective-emotional level, thus things feel strangely unnatural, artificial and arbitrary.

This feeling has only gotten worse as I've gotten older, and it can be hard sometimes to convince myself to adhere to social norms when everything is simply some game I am not a part of. I don't really understand politics, religion or any of the activities people engage in to give meaning to their lives, such as forming relationships, pursuing a career, having opinions, etc.

Naturally, such a deep detached disconnectedness deals damage and divests a person of that inherent component that makes them one with the intersubjective world.

I am interested to hear how it affects you I can never pull myself to actually have any in real life relationships so they always been long distance i noticed I tend to be impulsive and want some type of instant affection and have been told over and over again by partner I tend to make the realtionship one sided and I try not to I just have a hard time understanding my other partners emotions and if they say something I don't know how to respond back at times.

I also tend to be paranoiad and supsious if my partner goes a long time without talking to me and without any good reason as to why. This is more of so because there was once a partner I had where they did this and I assumed they where cheating and sadly I was right. So ever since then I always assumed that they must be cheating. Now as a pansexul trans woman I basically go with anyone I don't have a set preference. However I noticed I prefer to pick the ones who don't think they got anything better because they not likely to think they have anything better and hence are less likely to cheat on me with someone else.

I also noticed that the partners i pick tend to also have some type of mental illness like I had 3 boyfriend back to back who have autism. However I am just as mental ill so maybe that's something.

I am about to start a new realtionship with my new partner soon and yet I don't know if you take this as a delusional thinking but everytime I date a partner I really like I think to myself as a what if we stayed together even if the realtionship had a good reason to end. And sometimes I still think this about a past ex even when I am long into dating someone. However at the same time apart of me knows that I shouldn't be thinking of what if and I should only care about the partner I am with and have now.

Do you feel like you appreciated/experienced colour and contrast more vividly as a kid? Because I think I did but am wondering whether maybe it's just a depressive spin/interpretation i'm putting on things.

When I was a kid, I really used to experience colour moreso than I simply 'saw' colour. It commonly overloaded my brain in a way that left me a bit awestruck. I would freeze and stare at the colours/contrasts and light effects in front of me as they would instill a great sense of beauty and appreciation in me.

I vividly remember being around my Aunt's house and being suddenly floored by the beauty of light rays refracting through a coloured glass. But it was never simply about fancy light displays like that - basically any colours and contrasts used to really captivate me and exude feelings in me.

The thing is, though, that this happened less and less as I grew up. From around 10 onwards (which is coincidentally when I had a big psychotic break, had a delusion and developed agoraphobia for a while), it has never been as frequent or as mindbendingly strong. But it still happens from time to time and I will randomly find myself being absolutely awestruck again by the beauty of a simple colour shade or colour contrast/pattern that I see one day. It just happens far less.

ex: does anyone else experience: dropping things, feeling "drunk" when walking, lacking precision in movements, speech difficulties?

I notice I also get slightly overstimulated by the mere touch of a material I don't fully like, and packing up backpacks and stuff like that make me slightly miserable.

I feel like all my nerves are on the outside and my cerebellum has holes in it.

I realize that there are times of crises I get into in which I am constantly mentally losing it, spiraling into different states of fervor and delusion.

this is the second time so far I've experienced this since a couple years or so: my paranoia, violent anger, and emotional instability are very intense. I am medicated for ocd, depression, but my ocd is flaring up really badly too:

I often find myself having distressing dreams, being very emotional (lovey dovey or absolutely livid) and snapping etc.

I am especially curious as to what Anomalous World Experiences are being experienced, as they tend to be more "peculiar" and more unique to Schizotypy, whereas the items listed in the EASE overlap significantly with DPDR and other dissociative disorders.

I got diagnosed with STPD yesterday. I don’t understand how i got diagnosed with a personality disorder based on one conversation with me, and some score tests that shows only some traits featured to this disorder. I only got medium score, and i’m not eccentric, people didn’t really tell me that i’m weird or stuff like that, i don’t have superstition beliefs or magical thinking. Also i detest the idea of religion and culture-identity. I’m sure that i have C-PTSD and i tend to fall into maladaptive daydreaming and limerence to cope, but i really don’t get the point to put me in a such box.

Someone out here who got diagnosed with STPD, can you still relate to this personallity disorder but not fit in all the boxex from DSM?

It lives up to its name.

I would classify the poetic genre as "abstract neurodivergent hippie psychedelic slam." Although it's not schizotypal poetry by definition, I am entirely schizotypal, so it's schizotypal poetry by default; certainly a lot of my mental weirdness shines through. That indeed was one of the intentions when I started writing it, a good number of years ago.

I'm known in my local community - the community of musicians/artists/creatives/conscious deviants/socially liberal folk - for my poetry. I've been performing it live for years at open mics, poetry slams, festivals, and other events with a microphone. Walking up to a microphone and just pouring myself into it is something that simply is inside me. As a schizotypal, it took me many years of dedicated effort to learn how to have a quality conversation with another human being; I have major interpersonal blind spots which were not easy to cultivate a healthy relationship with. But getting in front of a group and being expressive has always been easy. Can't say i fully get it.

I'm fully aware my poetry is not for everyone. But if it does not appeal to your tastes, perhaps you can at least appreciate that everyone has a right to express their inner signature provided it does not infringe on anybody else's freedom, and all I'm doing fundamentally with my poetry is expressing my nature.

This is mental masturbation, beamed directly into your hair follicles from the titillating dimension, injected right into your tear ducts without any non-normative insinuations. Dripping like wax from our ear lobes and showing how crazy wisdom transcends confusion, mental masturbation with myriad manifolds of manyfold pragmatically applied manifestations oozingly glistens with tessellations of awesomely graceful awkwardness and injections into the mystery patients of the imagination. It does dislodge and catapult gooey wet flotillas of scintillas of habitual momen-to-moment daily affirmations that greet us every time we wake up fall asleep with incomplete yet totally replete reconciliations among the many fractured self-similar fragments of ourselves. It thereby megamagimagnetically and gleefulsplashitastiticklishly illuminates, and on occasion lubricates, the process of ongoing sustained recalibrations of all self-centric orientations.

Mental masturbation slices through thoroughly rotten apples with unerring delicate precision, and unhesitatingly wobbles when it makes its introductions. It ferments beer using secretions from Chewbacca's nipples, and decocts love potions using extracts from the minotaur's pimples. It wears sunglasses at midnight in the dead of winter, and serenades songbirds while stringing their songs into moonlit garlands of frosty wine glasses that shimmer and shiver. It sucks lightning from the shaman's staff, and exhales it into the lungs of children who are most inclined to laugh.

Mental masturbation slathers mayonnaise on the rings of Saturn and sheds colors like a breakdancing lantern. It writes letters in blood using Cupid's arrow and drinks moonbeams like an enchanted alcoholic sparrow. It knows why a ladle full of holes won't hold very much water, and it is the secret power of the Harlem Globetrotters. It sees all differences between people as razor thin, and can see through the tough exterior of Attila the Hun to the tender man within.

With a wishlist kiss hidden in a jar sailing down a river of molasses, there never ever ever was a time when mental masturbation was not tirelessly translating the untranslatable, inscrutable, yet inescapably ineffably relatable quasi temporal, polymorphically isomorphic, mutually causal, sentiently interrelated sensitive glow clouds of pure emotional essences. . . each shaping each other, each inspiring every other, each and every one spiraling and whispering every which way, all throughout the oceanically energized hole, the dynamically festive mandala nebula of exquisitely hazy glowy ephemeral subtle vibrations of expansions of inner dimension it's a passion of splashin' happenin' crashin' evolovolution, an ever-changing, overflowing, shift shapy, flip-flap-flappity perpetually scintillatingly self-reimagining tapestry of glow clouds - allowing ourselves to give birth to ourselves, over and over again. This tapestry is overseen and curated by the glamorous, time traveling Unwanted Children from within their immortal chortling portals, and these Unwanted Children want to remind all bright, hopeful, young glow clouds that not only is there a big difference between breathing and thinking waay too much about breathing, but that having 650 skeletal muscles is exactly like having 650 segmented legs.

Mental masturbation is a multi-faceted multifacial expression of the original Big Bang liposuction of the cosmodemonical thighs whose tear strained crackling eyes poured forth and cried insurpressible galaxies of fat, universes of lard, rancid butter boiling into unripe planetary evolution, the flickering prophecies of future DNA involution, young fruit onto which to plant seeds for future Trees of Life, roots sunk into and suckling the interstellar cream cheese which sizzles on the hot plate of collective human yearning for authentic love, and which tickles the shoulder of a fat man in need of a back rub.

Mental masturbation can hear. It can hear the air between the tip of a nail and a floorboard in a summer getaway cabin once owned by a direct descendant of Alexander Graham Bell. It can hear individual lifestyle choices tiptoeing between the grooves of a record onto which is recorded the experiential epiphanies of several semi-famous, non-violent revolutionaries. It can hear a few drops of gin mixed with aqueous humor splashing upon the floor of a rebuilt ice cream truck named Freedom From Gravity. It can hear the telephone cords of harmonious discord strangling a dictator's cruelty to death and squeeeezing what remains onto an old woman's backyard vegetable garden. It can hear a shattered mirror reassembling itself into a crystal swan balanced upon the tale of a rhinoceros beneath a sky being devoured by a total solar eclipse, while, on the exact opposite side of the Earth a little girl, after thinking that the drenched coffee filter on the kitchen counter looks a lot like a washed up jellyfish, she goes outside to her grandmothers backyard vegetable garden and picks a ripe and a lusty plum tomato.

Mental masturbation tiptoes teetertotters wibble wobbles through daisy-strewn, wind-caressed, green, yes, grassy sunny meadows made entirely out of not atoms but out of circles, so many many haphazardly symmetric, squishfully precise, geometrically tainted circles, each balancing every single other circle with whirliemphatic equipoise. It remembers that everything known, or to be known, is part of a story, and that every story ever told or to be told would seem to contain at least one circle. Harnessing the circular incisions of intelligent indecision, mental masturbation circulates through so many many circumnavigations of circumferences of circumstances it prances from one circle to the next, juggling fancy interpenetrating golden rings, it dances listening to far off inviting musical magical things. Avalanching down mountains of vast circular expanses, it nosedives endlessly towards the midpoint equidistant from all extremes, yet still has enough elbow room remaining for a few rhombotrapadodecahedraoidalzoidal sideways glances.

Mental masturbation serenades luscious golden kittens with star constellations in their eyes. . . Breathing sighs of rainbow halo breezes, sipping teas of inquiry with 10,000 Japanese Socrateses, all of whom are dissolved throughout a gazillion water drops which spray out into the wide, free air and fall as mist upon the rump of a rhinoceros-shaped circular disc smelling the sunlit hair of a female human child in a rosy red dress in a wind-caressed, green, yes, grassy sunny meadow. The rhinoceros is the little girl's pet and tenderly, she sniffs it back.

Yes getting high and or drunk is fun and relaxing but I only do it if others have brought to share. On my own i feel like I can get too high off of my own brain. Its a lot going on in there. Walking outside is a trip on its own. All the connections and theories i conjure up are so thrilling. All the absurd images and phrases my brain spits out are so amusing. I am thoroughly entertained. When i was younger this wasnt all positive, it was like a really bad trip instead. But ive had to manage this since i was a little kid. Im 23 now and have integrated in my own way into the world all by myself and for the MOST part my brains schizotypal leanings have geared towards positive. Some of my magical thinking is still on the absurdly negative side but its not even that grave for me to feel inhibited by.

I honestly don't believe that schizotypal beliefs are absurd or irrational. It's just that those who claim they do not possess the capacity to understand. Most talk about religion and God is based in the fact that the Christian presentation of religion is a metaphor for behavioural psychology.

A people walk a path accustomed to their innate IQ, emotional stability, sensitivity and environmental abuse.

The path, reduced to personality adaptions, is as follows:

narcissistic -> borderline -> histrionic -> anti-social -> dependent -> avoidant -> obsessive-compulsive -> paranoid -> schizoid -> schizotypal

Everyone who suffered pain (which is nearly, if not everyone in this world) will start at narcissistic. Depending on their IQ, emotional stability and the amount of pain they continue to suffer, they will grow and climb, and eventually reach their limit of capacity. When they get stuck in one personality adaption for too long, it will turn into a fixed disorder. Those with high capacity will reach the end, schizotypal, and walk the fine line between order (divine knowledge, "grandiosity") and chaos (everyone who does not possess it).

The descend into madness (schizophrenia) is just the consequence of being attacked, ridiculed, envied and abused by those who cannot accept the inevitable nature of their own insufficiency.

If you look at the symptoms, they're merely an attempt to describe schizotypals from the eyes of people incapable of seeing the truth.

Magical thinking, belief in the supernatural is the heightened perception of the patterns of nature. Restrictions of existing language offers no other way to describe those.

Severe social anxiety and paranoid ideation are no surprise when those with lesser abilities are repeatedly lashing out to diminish the pain of feeling like a lesser being.

The Wikipedia article of signs and symptoms literally states "they can feel as if expressing themselves is dangerous."

"They may believe others think of them more negatively than they actually do." No, they have actually made the experience that this is fact when they show their true self.

And of course hallucinations, the brains way to comprehend exposure to severe stress.

These are things that I've been overthinking for a couple years now. Since it's an ongoing process I didn't bother to go into too much detail.

"God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers." Those gifted with the highest knowledge are destined to end up at the bottom of it all, because humanity, by nature, is flawed.

I’m an emotional person. I often cry watching movies, listening to music, even looking at art. If I find something beautiful, heartwarming, cute… I cry. But it’s like… a “quiet” type of crying? No heavy breathing, no “crying face” just tears passively running down my face.

And I rarely cry from sadness or fear. Or other negative emotions. And if I do, there’s usually no tears in my eyes. Just the “motions” that are NOT there when I’m crying bc of non-negative emotions. Like I can be miserable, hurt, absolutely destroyed emotionally. But I’m more likely to have a panic attack, yell, stare into the abyss for hours, start shaking or literally faint from emotional distress than I am to “cry” the way neurotypical people do.

I can’t be the only one. Is this related to being schizotypal or being on the schizophrenia spectrum?

Often I am struck with an image, like im being shown a clip from another dimension. Or like the eyes of my soul are being taken hostage and forced to see things in other realms. This always happens inside my head or when i close my eyes, it takes form within the red/purple static you see when your lids cover your eyes. That static turns into images and suddenly i see something I could never come up with on my own. They tend to be unnerving but thrilling with how creative and otherworldly they are. One time i saw a man dressed in business casual, sitting on a step of his brick porch. I was just watching him and its like he sensed my presence. As soon as he did he snapped his head towards me, his eyes digging into me, his skull was a rectangular shape, like a fridge. It freaked me out. Felt so real. They all feel real but very obviously not of the reality that I am existing in. Anyone else?

Has anyone else with stpd struggled with an eating disorder? If so, i would love to hear your story and how it started.

Mine started when i was in the midst of waiting to get tested and diagnosed. The waiting time was so long and everyday i felt like i was losing more and more control over my brain. So i tried to take control of what was infront of me, which was my body. When i started to only focus on food and exercise, it got rid of all the paranoid and delusional thoughts, but also the good thoughts.

At that time and still today i get these weird bodily feelings, like my face is all jambled up. Dont know if it has anything to do with it.

I am lucky to have balanced cbd:thc strains in the legal market. I quit using that 30 % thc stuff long ago, after having psychosis from withdrawal. Not to mention being crazy while on those strains. The strains I have now are at 4-9 % thc and more cbd. But I am hoping I do not get cannabis withdrawla syndrome again, if I ever quit. It's the only thing that helps anhedonia. Don't let the smaller thc % fool you, it still has kick and is well grown here in british columbia.

I notice that for a while, to adapt to loneliness, i have a very strong memory and perception in my mind of people, and basically talk to people in my head, only to realize I've not said a word aloud nor am I with anyone.

this is bad for me because it makes isolation easier if I can get the gratification of sociliaisation without needing to do it.

does anyone else have this trait of maladaptive daydreaming?

Wondering if anyone else had a connection to the paranormal/ghosts and spirituality as a kid? I'm talking good and/or bad.

For me I was petrified of ghosts, spirits, and creatures. Literally. I always thought they were drawn to me, wanted to hurt me, like something in me called out to them. I was a very scared kid and my family thought it was hilarious to see just how frightened I could become. They would basically torment me with ghost stories and cryptids and whatnot. My fear had gotten to a point where I would start seeing shadowy figures, see objects moving in real time, feeling touched, and hearing things. Even now at 22yo, I am scared of what breathes in darkness, I get chills down my spine and start seeing shadowy figures in the corner of my eyes. I have to convince myself that I'm not a kid and dont believe this sort of thing anymore.

Some of the good however was how spiritual I was. I felt connected to everything around me, especially nature (mostly trees, winds, bodies of water) and angels. I felt chosen by them, that I could talk to them and they would send me messages in whatever way they could.

Maybe it's just being a kid and having an imagination and seeing the magic in everything, but it feels deeper than that for me.

i havw this unbreakable pattern i havw done to every single pwrson in my life, maybe this will be forever

i made a couple of friends in uni as of now but its always always only a matter of time before i delete everything i said with an automated bot i made to do so, and then stop talking to them

sometimes ill reach out again but most of the time ill be too embarrassed to

the problem is i see these people daily in person and i keep having the urge to do this

im paranoid they’re plotting against me or that i just cant trust them

as for the bot, i literally never talk on a platform that doesn’t allow message deleting or keep the texting very short, and i know to do it at night when theyre asleep, its all a science to me

the logic is that they cant hold anything against me if its deleted even if thats counter productive but i dont say things that can be helf against me in the first place

im just a stupid paranoid person

i dont know how to not be like this, i dont know how to not make the first solution disappearing, i dont want to be like this by any means, its not like i enjoy feeling this way, im just protecting myself

the second im afraid i feel like i have to fade away and ive gotten many reactions from it but do my best to avoid their reaction

if i go through with this, itll be during the winter break

that way i’ll just HOPE i never have classes with them again, and avoid the public areas, which ks easy for me. but my better judgment is telling me stick it out, i just cant take it anymore, this mental weight, i know if i see them again ill be so embarrassed and ashamed, i always live in hiding and i know i have to face mt fears but its not something that goes away it only gets worse i know from experience.

im worried about how they’ll react, the reason i do it at night is so i dont deal with live reactions of me going through with deleting up to thousands of message exchanges and unadding them, i dont like the live reactions but sometimes i did get caught before, matbe they’ll think im arrogant or fake or something but i dont reallt care at this point i need this stress gone i need this weight lifted off i need to get this edge gone

the only times i feel safe are when im alone and nobody can reach me it feels like a genuine invasion to get a message even though i want these connections and dont think these prople are bad people or anything and actually find them interesting

I’m usually internally “vibrant”, and I will always find meaning and magic in it all. However, I’ll go through periods where I just feel… nothing. Even my mind feels desolate. I feel like my identity is essentially non-existent, and that everything around me is warping my sense of self. It’s not that I feel depressed, but I just feel like I’m kind of floating around. I do struggle with motivation a bit more than usual, but it isn’t to the point where I can’t take care of myself. I just feel suspended in stagnant time.

I’m going through one of these periods now, and it always feels like my mind is a vacuum.

I’m not sure if this applies to other women too but since childhood I’ve felt there’s something “wrong” with me, like I have some inherent, intangible, incomprehensible deformity inside myself that will prevent me from ever relating with someone else, particularly with other women.

I don’t know if it’s because women are much more sensitive to social clues that are completely inconsistent and indecipherable to me but I have always felt different from other people, and women especially.

I never had friends growing up and even now I still don’t fit in but I hate that I can’t even be allowed to enjoy my social alienation in peace. Isn’t it strange that people won’t let you be normal but then they won’t even let you be not normal?

As an indigenous person i just feel his perstective is very honorable and he doesnt seem to hold contempt

From what I have observed on this site many Schizotypal personalities experience Borderline traits (splitting, unstable relationships, unstable selfhood, etc.) and Avoidant traits or Schizoid-like traits (social anhedonia, cognitive impoverishment, Autistic-like symptoms).

I'm curious as to what comorbid symptoms of other personality disorders you individuals experience.I'm not sure quite where I would fall, but I experience prominent Schizoid traits, persecutory referential ideation, strange or eccentric beliefs and what I can only assume is some degree of Self-Disorder.

Dear all,

I hope all is well with you! My name is Sam -- I am autistic and also an autism researcher who is fascinated by neurodiversity.

One of my side hobbies is a (very small) Youtube channel/podcast (All Neurotypes Office - YouTube) that mostly features interviews with different neurodivergent individuals. I would love to learn more about Schizotypal Personality Disorder and potentially feature some interviews on the channel, and am making this post to see if anyone on this subreddit might be interested in being interviewed about their experiences? (I did check with the mods to obtain approval before posting, as I wasn't sure if this would fall under the "no recruitment" rule, although it isn't a research process.)

(For anyone who might be interested, I'm happy to give any information about the interview process that would be helpful. Usually, I do a "pre-meeting" with interviewees through Zoom or communicate through email to answer any questions they have. I also always send a list of interview questions ahead of the actual interview, as I don't want anyone to feel caught off-guard or put on the spot with an unexpected question! I have interviewed one person before who preferred to be anonymous, so after the recording I went back and transcribed her responses into an AI voiceover to make it non-identifying. In general, I'm more than happy to discuss anything that might make the interview process more comfortable.)

Thank you very much for reading this!

All the best,

Sam

Nothign actually changed but i realized that I don't likely have any symptoms that i suspected of schizotypal anymore, but the thing is that thats a loop(and you need to talk to a professional obviously),

if you say you have an issue and youre aware its an issue, then its not that big of an issue or even an issue at all. So you say you don;t have an issue, cause youre aware its weird but its not that big of a deal due to that awareness... but then if you go from there to "yeah i was wrong it wasn't an issue/I don't really have the issue", suddenly thats possibly you having the issue altogether?

Understandably you still need to see a professional and all. Yet then theres the possibility that I had some issues, and was right about thinking I was loosing awareness of it being an issue, and now have mostly lost it? But then that means that it wasnt that big of an issue to begin with, maybe? Idk how that works.

Realized that I went back(and honestly its going back), to thinking the whole telepathy thing wasnt actually an issue, feeling spirits, ect. I don't think I 100% thought it was false, minus some weeks where I was like yeah that makes 0 sense. I just knew that it was weird and i was supposed to believe it was false. Admittedly I had moments where I mistakenly/idiotically thought the people in the subreddit had variou abilities (via magical thinking i think?) that they said they thought they had or something like that.

Only actual issue is paranoia(and even then, its not that bad) which im working on. I guess the rest is worth mentioning?

like overall in my life nothing actually changed except being more comunciative with spiritual things from time to time, either more paranoia or more aware of it, not sure which, but then im aware that that would be considered an issue by everyone, which makes it an issue?

I think im making moutntains out of molehills cause it wasn't actually as big of a deal as i thought it was. Either that or I had an issue, was self-aware that it was worriesome, and then after gaining awareness momentarily, that hole just started to sew itself up and the window into "hey wtf this is actually weird" that got opened up last year is closing back up and alls back to normal. (prior to this 2025 everything was kinda simmilar but I just thought everything was normal and didn't realize I couldve been paranoid. Honestly my relationship with my parents might be improving a bit cause i realized that I have awful communication skills and some of my fears were really unfounded.

At the same time if so and so is weird theres most usually merit to that and i need to convince myself out of it?

I'm majorly into categorizing the vibes of certain time periods of my life as I remember everything vividly because I'm never comfortable, I'm always performing and assessing peoples' reactions. Today I'm feeling very September 2018 which is absolutely abysmal. Both then and now were quite happy times which immediately plunged afterwards into utter misery - a misery of my own doing.

At that time I had just begun my freshman year of college and, instead of quickly making a graceful exit, I decided to draw it out for years and hope things would get better as I continuously failed all my classes and never had a clue what was going on. As a result, I lost 50,000 dollars. This is reminiscent of how, today, although instead of choosing to stay in a bad situation I thankfully decided to leave (makes me wanna die though), I have finally faced the music that I am $11k in credit card debt. And as a result of this similarity, my own home, in my eyes, has taken on the vibe of the heinous college I hated so. Which is what led me to tear my apartment apart this morning and throw away half my belongings, and then sage all the rooms while crying hysterically. We cannot beat this motherfucking team (being forced to live)!