Welcome to /r/Schizotypal.

They say you can't recognize when you're going into a psychotic state, but lately I've been having moments where my thinking gets a little delusional accompanied by loud intrusive thoughts that include voices, louder than usual music, scary faces, Facebook posts felling me to off myself, and of course weird bodily sensations. I know I'm in a weird state, and disconnected from reality when these things happen, and they don't last long. Maybe a day or hours even minutes at times. It takes a lot of fighting, and pacing, and assuring myself I'm not well to make it through the night or however long it lasts. Is this the experience of a schizotypal person?

I went to look at my kitten while she was sleeping and suddenly I felt deja vu, images and memories passed through my head where I felt that she and I were two souls destined to meet again in all lives, but with the curse of living uncoordinated because in each life one had to be a person and another a cat instead of coinciding. When I saw my cat in bed I felt like I had gone through all that and that I was finally able to remember. Just in case, I'm sober.

I feel like since I’ve always had to keep track of my world and everyone else’s world, it’s given me a strange metaphysical insight that’s hard to explain. I wonder if it’s because schizotypal people are better at thinking about what things could be at the expense of knowing what things are.

How does it look like for you?

For me it's that I always wear the hood of a sweatshirt like, always put it on even when I'm in closed places like stores, restaurants etc.

I also always wear long clothes in summer.

When I was younger I would wear the ugliest clothes ever cause I tried to be as much as far from society and people. When I say ugly I mean it was clothes that normal people usually throw in the trash.

I also used to wear upside down clothes.

I now also have this thing that I always used to do which is to put my backpack on me when when I'm sitting down, I don't take it off almost never.

Do you relate to that?

I'm trying to think about more stuff than that but I guess I'm only aware for what people told me is weird.

I also wanna hear about yours.

As long as I can remember I’ve vividly felt like there is something very very wrong with me beyond my mental illness, more like some sort of horrible spiritual affliction or curse. Something that sticks out to me is when I was 3 or so I told my mom word for word “s*tan is telling me to kill (younger brothers name)” I have to censor that word because of my superstition sorry. But I have no idea where I would ever have got them from. My parents never had anything bad or scary on TV, my family members never talked like that, I would have never been exposed to that. But besides that I’ve had lingering thoughts of being some strange experiment kind of like that popular simulation theory except it’s just me in particular and I’m in some controlled environment being observed. I have always felt distinctively WRONG beyond what I can even explain in words and it frightens me

Does anyone else have déja vu like constantly? I have it like at least 3 times a week, and it sometimes makes me feel like I can see the future

You think you finally beat her to death with year after year of expensive treatments. You think you shoveled the last bit of dirt onto the grave: "fuck you bitch, please die." But she always comes back to haunt you-- sometimes in the form of a fleeting thought, like a withered hand reaching out from the grave.

"Remember me?"

She is always right beside you, though you may not notice. You can try to poison and kill her with medication; but she isn't dead-- no, never-- only sleeping. Dreaming of someone who won't leave? Dream of her, because this malignant cunt will never leave you alone.

When you gaze upon her polished new headstone, you will see that it is a part of you who "died" and was buried. One half of a person split in half. "Do you miss me? Do you miss me?" A telephone rings from a great chasm in your heart. "Do you miss me?"

Did you miss me?

You can bury her, but she will never leave you. The only one who won't leave, because she is a permanent part of you. An indelible mark that burnt your tender flesh; a child's first experience with a hot stove.

Romanticize, even eroticize the pain, as a form of escapism. Her mangled hands creep under blankets in the dark, looking for your warm body. You too are looking for a sense of familiarity. Will you spend the night with her? Will you spend the night with yourself? And which is which, anyway?

I always think about how my childhood might have impacted my diagnosis. It was an alright childhood, the main thing that was terrible was losing my primary caregiver (my grandmother) who I was very close to who raised me which left me confused and unable to grieve because I essentially didn’t know how, making me flat for the majority of my childhood. Home life was alright, I’m distant with my father but my relationship with my mother has only ever improved. The other big main thing was the severe childhood bullying due to my flat effect and disinterest in others. I was the stereotypical bullied kid who was isolated, who was beat in the locker rooms, had paper balls thrown at me, most teachers didn’t like me very much, and a bunch of other things that are too personal to mention at the moment.

I think all this over to analyze how all this might’ve affected who I am now but honestly I doubt it did anything, and maybe I was just always like this. I was a very peculiar child since I was born, I had cognitive issues for as long as I can remember and I used to see and hear things as a little kid too. That in addition to not liking social interaction. Maybe it’s a mix of everything.

Not sure, I tend to analyze myself too much and get all wound up. But I do always feel bad for being schizotypal despite not having a horrible childhood, weird guilt- But it’s there. Just curious if anyone else had a somewhat alright childhood and still turned out like this since I do think about it all the time

Do any of you experience this? In a neutral state, or even when presented with negative stimuli, you laugh uncontrollably, almost violently. A hollow kind of laughter?

I think I was born with some kind of neurological issue, and it manifests in things like this.

I'm 30 years old and still have trouble reading clock time. I always remember that I skipped the school class where they taught it. Then no one taught it to me as a kid. Maybe I asked my father how to do it, didn’t get it, and just never paid attention to it.

Only a couple of years ago, I thought, "I'm finally going to learn how to do it," so I searched for it online. It took me a while to get it, but I did. But what happened? After a few days, I forgot how to do it, so I searched for it again.

Well, it’s been like this since then. It’s like, "Yeah, I kinda know how to do it," but every now and then, I forget, and takes me a while to catch it again.

The same happens to me with east and west. I remember the class where they taught us that, but in exams, I never got it right.

I was 20 years old and still didn’t know which side was east and which was west. So I searched for it. And again, after a few days, I forgot.

I just can’t remember it smoothly. So this is what I do to decipher it: So... Japan is called the Land of the Rising Sun, and I remember they talk about some countries as the Middle East, and Japan is near those countries. So I know those countries are on the right side of the map compared to the USA. So... the east is on the right.

But again, I can’t remember it on a flight.

I think my memory is deeply disturbed.

Anyone else with problems like this? Of what kind?

I just feel like nobody likes me. Like nobody cares. I also think they secretly hate me and make snide comments about me. Like, they’re attacking me verbally but in a vague way so that nobody else can tell that they are making mean comments about me. I hope that made sense.

hi you guys,
so, i used to be very careful to not tell anyone about my symptoms, and of course, due to isolation, i got worse, more paranoid, etc. so i decided to try the opposite!

i have like a few friends, and only a couple know about my schizotypy now, and the results?

ITS SO MUCH WORSE, if someone says i am "schizo" or that i "lost myself" or something like that again, i will show them what "losing myself" and "schizo" looks like, i swear. I have developed a stronger, visceral disillusionment that i now cannot even trust my own friends with this: they drive me crazy and viscerally upset. i am very disappointed in my "friends".

so why not just leave my friends? find new ones?

Ive had these friends, these people for YEARS, and because i made the mistake of speaking, i've seen these people for who they are. I will not lose my mind to conspirators.

I have been suspecting that I have this disorder for some time because I meet almost all the criteria, but especially the one for magical thinking: From a very young age I remember having constant terrors that something was observing me and controlling me, causing me to avoid certain activities and be constantly cautious, I did not dare to be alone and I performed rituals to protect myself from it. I also remember having constant thoughts about death and torture, which I felt like I had to repeat a mantra several times in my head because if I didn't I thought any of the things I was thinking about could happen to me.

Now, as an adult, I still feel these presences, the difference is that I have gotten used to them and live with them but they are still there, not to mention the deep paranoia that does make me have a hard time. I don't know if it's worth seeking a diagnosis to get help because I don't know how to tell the psychologist about this.

anyone else want to go into a field that will ease their delusions? personally i want to be a nun. i dont want to have sex or be around sex and i want to be able to pray everything away and have people support my actions and i want to talk to people about a common theme that they won’t be bland about

I have been wondering if there is any link between schizotypal PD and sleep quality?

For years now, I have had trouble sleeping. Either too much or too less. Lately, it seems no matter how much I sleep, I am always noticeably tired. My iron and thyroid levels are fine.

I have read there is a link between schizophrenia and sleep disorders, but there doesn't seem to be much information about our blessed condition.

Is any else an erratic sleeper?

It’s been so long since I’ve seen you

Days become longer when we are apart

I anticipate your arrival and remember what happiness is

A million of you only makes my world better

Rice.

I’m so exhausted. I went through a horrible break up 8 months ago with a really lovely person who was in a manic episode, we were living together and friends for years before we started dating. I’ve never felt heartbreak like this, I’m still madly in love with her, maybe more. I miss her deeply.

I can’t heal and part of that is that she left things open ended. But part of it is that everything is a sign, good or bad. I read into everything still, I’m obsessive, I take signs from the universe, I speak to her through the moon and stars. I feel we’re destined for each other because of crazy weather and astronomical events that happened on significant days for us when we were together. I can’t imagine a life without her. I’m crumbling.

I am functional now, I do my thing I go about my day, I’m deeply secretly unhappy. I’ve stopped talking about it with people because they’re tired of hearing it, no one has as much empathy for her as me because they’re too protective of what I went through. They don’t get it. My best friend is more empathetic, she does a good job of keeping a neutral perspective in a way that I find very relieving. She’s not afraid to call me out when I am taking an emotional perspective that could be unfair or biased.

My ex is everything. Every day I’m overwhelmed with how wonderful she is, all of the important things she’s done and the ways she’s made an impact on my life.

I keep trying to give in and let go and recognize I can’t control everything, let the universe take the reins but FUCK. I’m such a control freak. I’m terrified she’s falling out of love with me or will.

you guys feel it too, right? i cant be the only one feeling this extreme sense of wonder at things that just seem so regular to other people. it consumes me. it feels like i have seen stars for the first time, not only seeing them, but becoming totally absorbed in the display. i was at the pet store with my dad and the logos blue just captivated me. the busses captivate me. puddles captivate me. i feel like i cant breathe, they literally take my breath away. the world is so fucking beautiful in these moments that i cant begin to comprehend it. my cat is so beautiful. my cat is named pebbles and she is so beautiful.

i’m in another country far away from home and i feel like i am becoming solely a product of all of these little mishaps and mistakes i’ve made these past few days while trying to integrate into the culture here, and thinking of myself as a completely different and terrible/pitiful person. i don’t remember what my past self was (and my past self was shaky and fragmented enough as it was, but i had a decent grip on it since i had been at home alone for a long time).

i don’t know how to explain this, but i feel like i forgot who i was and i feel scared and upset and in pain, i need to go back home to my room at home and be surrounded by my stupid belongings and merchandise and hobbies because my “self” is predicated upon this external material stuff, and they serve as my ontological anchors i guess. i am just feeling myself slip away and i don’t want to leave home ever again.

I'm pretty sure I'm scizotypal and I'm wondering if this is apart of STPD. I have a lot of magical thinking and I know that is a part of the STPD, but I also sometimes feel like I have certain abilities that don't seem logical, but if I tell someone without them asking, then the ability completely goes away or goes away and comes back weeks or months later. Does this happen to anyone else. Is this part of STPD?

Hey ya’ll, I have been fairly convinced I have StPD for some time. Though, I could always be wrong. Was diagnosed with ADHD as a child (as so many of us were in the 90’s). But the doctor really wasn’t convinced, just thought it could be ADHD. I am pretty functional for the most part, got a really messy life but I take care of business, i’ve been employed for nearly 14 years (beautifully undetected I might add lol) but I attribute that solely to my upbringing and to my weaker symptoms to be paranoia (as a general rule my brain rigorously fights paranoid ideations as extremist and radicalized thoughts which I must fearfully ward off lol)

I began to wonder if it was something other than ADHD as an adult when my relationships became severely strained, and my stress levels severely increased, and I began to simply buckle under it all. Frequent dissociation, derealization, very frequent deja vu, confusion, mixed memories, memories that seemed very real but never happened but were still mine. Thats when I learned about all the other stuff StPD people have and I was like Oh Boy! For the most part I do well by myself but I know how fragile that line is, and how subjective. And I know that everyone in my life knows me to be odd, confusing, chaotic, disorganized, overly engulfed in my own inner world, aloof and ambivalent. But because I had a solid upbringing and a loyal small group of friends people usually just shrug me off as an odd ball not to mention my line of work is chock full of weirdo’s and outsiders.

I like to write, study the bible, read, outdoor stuff, also indoor stuff, I like music, and I like video games, and fast cars, and big guns, and big long discussions about who the greatest villains are and why lol.

In terms of social anxiety it is always there in an acute way, sometimes it even gets the best of me, but I do fight it as best I can, I force myself to get out of my comfort zone all the time and do things I don’t want to do, and to subject myself to experiences that are not about who I am. It’s for the best. Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

1:05pm: sometimes it seems like it would feel good, or at least cathartic, to rip out all my teeth with a pair of pliers. I don't have especially bad teeth, so this must boil down to a desire to make a statement about how much I hate myself.

1:16pm: maybe I will go to New Orleans. Maybe I will sleep between the mausoleums in the cemeteries, in the physical and metaphysical space between life and death. I have always been more comfortable amongst the dead than the living anyway. The dead can't hurt you.

1:32pm: if you try to help me, I will hurt you. It's not personal.

1:44pm: "take my hand and run away with me-- through the forest until the leaves and trees slow us down. A vampire bat will suck blood from our hands. A dog with rabies will bite us. Rats will run up your legs, but nothing will matter."

1:56pm: when I was a little girl, my mother would take me down to the creek. One day I dropped my platypus beanie baby, which meant so much to me, into the creek and helplessly watched it float away. That was 1996, and it's been a theme in my life ever since.

From time to time, I use ChatGPT as a therapist, especially to dissect my paranoia and lack of trust in relationships.

This morning, I asked the bot to analyze what in our conversations seemed to align with STPD, and I was given this answer:

"While you exhibit traits that align with STPD—especially social anxiety, paranoia, emotional detachment, and unconventional thinking—you also seem to have more insight than is typically seen in STPD. Your ability to analyze your emotions and social interactions in such depth suggests higher self-awareness, which is not always present in STPD."

Is this true? Does heightened self-insight really offset STPD traits? I am inclined to say no, and interestingly, I am reminded of one of my hospitalizations for acute depression when some of the nurses thought I was "too intelligent, articulate, and self aware" to be suicidally depressed. I mean, just because I was able to articulate the depths of my despair didn't mean I felt any less hopeless.

I'm currently trying to figure out what things are getting in the way of my daily life to see if it's schizotypal or something else. How do your symptoms impact your daily life? Aside from the social anxiety really. How does magical thinking and odd beliefs affect you? What does it feel like???

Has anyone else feel like they don't connect with anything. Like you're from a different planet you don't understand everyone around you. Always felt disconnected out of place. You may have same hobbies as people but don't feel connected. And don't understand your emotions. Like you may feel love but don't understand untill months after. And still it's confusing to understand your emotions what you're feeling. Basically you're never in the present.

So I’m in the process of getting screened for more than just my initial diagnosis of OCD/ADHD etc. I experience pretty bad anxiety around others, to the point where I’m always hypervigilant (even around my partner).

It was really good for a couple of years after an experience with psilocybin, but it recently flared back up due to social isolation and my OCD.

I don’t think people are trying to ‘harm’ me in any way but there is a level of ‘suspiciousness’ or self-referential rumination.

Is STPD more sinister in nature?