I've written and deleted this post so many times. TL;DR is that I found recovery "the NA way," then 2.5 years in had a bit of a mental health crisis (PTSD) and decided that I don't feel safe or understood there and individual therapy holds more benefit for me. I ghosted most of my "friends," stopped going to all my regular meetings, etc.

Today is my first milestone since then and I feel so empty and isolated. It's like I'm just now realizing how alone I am, even though I've been this alone for months and it was my own choice and doing. I keep having this thought that my clean time is worthless if I'm not celebrating it with the fellowship, at a meeting. Which is untrue, and honestly stupid, because I don't want to be celebrating it at a meeting. I feel unwelcome and unsafe there. It's been years since I left a meeting feeling better than when I walked in. Always worse.

I don't know. I'm sad. I didn't expect to feel like this on a day that should make me feel grateful and accomplished. I feel like I might as well be using. Please help me reframe it so I can stop beating myself up for having feelings.

https://i.imgur.com/6SGaxxt.jpeg

The mugshot at left is the result of the last night I drank. At right is where I'm at now. Still goofy looking but much happier and free.

After nearly 20 years of struggling with a wide variety of substances, I'm so grateful to have reached 13 years sober. In my 13 years of recovery, one of the greatest gifts I've received is the sense of purpose I feel in sharing my personal experience to help those still struggling understand that recovery is real and possible. I've spent the last 12 years working in mental health and peer support, and have had the opportunity to combine personal experience and professional knowledge to help change lives and even save lives.

An equally large blessing is that I've been sober and present for my daughter's entire life. While she knows the story of my past, she's never had to live through any of that. I thank God that I managed to get sober in time to give her the love and the joyful and peaceful life she deserves.

Hoping a daily count post will help keep me grounded while I find a new home group in my area. Going to try and do it as part of my morning devotional. I’m far from past rock bottoms, but I’m not the only one on my ship anymore.

High of the day: Spending the holiday with my wife and many nieces and nephews. Incredibly thankful my siblings let me be apart of such wonderful times in their lives.

Low of the day: I’ve been struggling with stimulants again under the stress of work and growing personal financial responsibilities. On paper it works but I’m doing my best to quietly destroy a life built on 6 years of “light sobriety“. Came clean to my wife who a few weeks ago and I’m kicking myself for not doing so months ago. I rationalized the half truths and lied to myself about my role as a husband, a good man, everything. She’s gonna stay, so I’m gonna try. I still have my career and mortgage, the next few years are gonna suck, but that little hole filled up a little bit seeing how unconditional my wife’s love is. The only thing greater than the hate I have for myself is my love for that women.

Day 1, going to have a productive Saturday and get 1 project on that todo list knocked out!

Someone close to me has been sober for a little under a year and a half. They’re struggling with it/ thinking of drinking and have been mostly upfront about that struggle. How can I best support them? I’m not judging or trying to tell them how to live life; I want to be there for them in the best way possible.

I am a mental basket case after overdosing Nov 16th. I don't know what I was thinking when I made the decision to take Ativan. Benzos have already cost me my career, gotten me a domestic violence charge and 2 DUIs.

This time all I remember is taking a few Ativan and the beginning of a mile walk to my house. Then I briefly remember struggling to breathe in an ambulance.

After that I wake up in the emergency room, where I was told by a kind doctor I was not breathing, blue and unresponsive when EMTs arrived. I was picked up at a seedy motel 3 miles away and I have no clue how I got there. or with whom? or why?

It is all so embarrassing to think about. It is constantly on my mind. I am not ready to die and have a 13 year old that needs me. I am going to AA meetings and start therapy next week. I feel like there is no coming back from this emotionally...

When will this end? 22yr old Man btw. I know i am excited for things, i know i love my gf, my family but i dont feel them. I got a new book ive been waiting so long to read and i knew i was excited but i didnt FEEl excited. I also dont ever feel anything on the negative emotional spectrum. Never feel angry. Never anything. I lift 6 days a week, get UV on my daily hour long walks, eat like a king, have amazing fucking friends, support, a beautiful dog, a great relationship, but from the time of 1 month after quitting to present (11 months) I havent felt much of anything. Will this ever end? I would think that since im younger and have more neuroplasticity this would have resolved by now. I didnt use to feel like this.

(Abused benzos for 3 years, cocaine for 1)

Hi redditors,

I have recently become sober after 17 years of heavy drinking, which developed into heavy drug usage as well in my 20's. I am so grateful to have gone to therapy, got clean and become a better person all around.

However, I look back on my past with disgust, shame and resentment for the situations that I got myself when in active addiction. Fights, drugs coming first over everything else, lying, stealing, just being a general piece of shit. Some things I can't even remember happening and I just feel so much embarrassment and personal guilt from the behaviours exhibited whilst in the clutches of this disease. I was using fucking cocaine at my Granddad's funeral. I truly hate myself for that moment in my life.

My question is, how do I move past the guilt and the shame? How do I come to terms with it and get out of my own head? I know I'm not a bad person, I just made some bad life decisions, but my anxiety tells me otherwise. Any help and support would be appreciated.

I’m 24 my dad is 71, he has been an addict my whole life, and for years I have supported him and enabled him but it’s gotten bad as he’s aging and I don’t know what to do. I think he mainly does pills (Valium, oxy) but a few months ago I found out that he was doing fent as well. (I don’t think he’s doing it now but I honestly can’t be sure) He’s 71 now and has slowed down a lot both mentally and physically. This September I found him on the floor soaked in his own pee on three separate occasions, he was hospitalized for about a week after the last time I found him and promised me he would get clean. I think he stayed clean for a few weeks but has since relapsed. He has countless health issues related to his drug use and lifestyle. He’s severely depressed and doesn’t take care of himself. I’m his only family member or friend so I’m the only one to help care for him. I work and am in school so I can really only see him once a week. I think a big factor in his use is depression and loneliness. I’ve set up nurses to check on him but that still doesn’t give him much socialization. He’s already on methadone, kadian and involved in a few different addictions programs.

I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to explain the whole story without going on and on but he has had so many short periods of recovery and relapsed so many times I know that just continuing on supporting him isn’t going to change anything. I’m afraid that if I “let him hit rock bottom” and just tell him I’m done being there for him that he’ll die.

I would also just like to say that when I was young my dad was a great dad to me, even through his addiction he has always been there for me.

I need advice. What do you do for an addict who’s in this kind of situation?

When I got out of treatment I started an IOP program that was in its infancy at my substance abuse counseling place. My first day there was one other person, an older guy named L.C. He had tried to stay clean on his own but couldn’t. He made the decision that day to go to treatment. I remember it clearly.

He was a “sober soldier”. Nothing could bring this man down after he truly committed to recovery. So much wisdom. We both have graduated IOP, but we still come to the MRT program the office also does. So we see each other every Wednesday.

Late last night, he and his wife were driving home after spending time with their oldest son who lives about 20 miles from he and his wife, their vehicle was hit head on by a semi. Neither of them lived and it’s so hard to process.

We lost a close friend to an OD a week ago yesterday, after his funeral some other friends had to call 911 for our other friend who was overdosing. Other friend is still alive. He is on a ventilator, they are monitoring his brain activity. He has been since last Friday night.

We’ve lost 12 people from our friend group to OD’s over only a 10yr period.

I can handle that. With the OD’s, I know how to react to that. I KNOW that active addiction leads to the 3- Jails, institutions or death. What I can’t handle was the absolutely needless death in the car accident? If recovery saved us, why did God choose the death of one of the best ones who was saved? That I just cannot wrap my head around. He was clean and sober. Nothing in the car.

I called my recovery coach and we talked for a few hours, she facilitates MRT so she knew LC too. He was just…a shining beacon of hope for all addicts that we DO we recover. I’ve been to 2 meetings today, and nothing has helped me deal with this.

Why is THIS God’s Will? What is He trying to do? Is there something He wants of me?

I’m just so tired of being strong.

tw: sa

It was never THAT bad to begin with. It was always a bunch of things, all usually easily available.

1. I started drinking at 13, couldn't quit. I set up ground rules for myself for when I can drink and I stick to them.
2. I started smoking at 15 then quit it for a bit at 16. Now I only smoke or vape with my cousin when we have a "night out", like 3-4 times a year.
3. I abused Modafinil at 16. It was only for a month. I was taking way too much that it started affecting my memory. Sometimes heck I even seemed to be high or drunk when I was abusing this (as per my friends). I had just dealt with some SA by someone who I thought was a friend and couldn't focus on academics, so I abused it to study more.

I'm taking Modafinil again. After years of not taking it, after promising myself I won't do it. I have to submit applications for Master's programs. I don't have time. They're due on 1 December. I have been feeling like a failure and been avoiding it. Ever since my Bachelor's got over in July, I have been just constantly in and out of the hospital. Diagnosed with endometriosis, adenomyosis. Pain has been terrible and I was able to finally find doctors who believed me but we haven't yet found medicines that help me. Then I learned my ovarian function is low, I NEED to freeze my eggs right away. So i'm stuck in three cycles of this. And I've just been putting this off because I don't think I'll get in anywhere. Three people, very very very dear to me passed away during my bachelor's, all in terrible ways. I was raped during those 4 years. I didn't perform that well in uni, not until my last year of uni when I was able to get the right and good medication for depression and ptsd, a good therapist and do EMDR, a counsellor on campus to help. I just fucked up. And now I'm sitting here after having taken Modafinil, knowing it was a stupid move. It's not that the medicine will do anything right now to me or whatever, but it's that I did it. I broke my rule, my promise to myself. I feel like a failure in every single aspect.

So to give a bit of context, I recently graduated university and have a graduate position locked in for next year so it's fair to say that over the past month I've partied a lot harder than I should have. In late October I went on a three-night trip with a few mates during which I was binge drinking every single night and got very little sleep - I also took MDMA on one of the nights. The weekend after I had two parties on both the Friday and Saturday. On the Friday I had an entire bag of cocaine to myself (1g) and on the Saturday shared one with two other mates. It was just after this weekend when my vision started to change and become very blurry and pixelated, it's hard to explain but it's sort of like a broken or pixelated/buffering tv screen in the background of my vision. It began to subside after a little bit and I relaxed the weekend after but last weekend I was binge drinking on both the Friday and Saturday and this vision has either maintained or returned. I have read different things online about where this problem derives e.g. dehydration, constriction of oxygen or blood flow to eyes, lack of sleep, damage to serotonin receptors etc. and I'm kind of scared that this is permanent. What's the problem and what can I do?

What j have typically done in the past is go to one place I know I have coverage we'll call Csprings, and while the drug detox may have been my primary driver for inpatient, I would of course inform them I am having 'difficulty with my mental health' as well so my insurance would cover the trip (minus the 2k deductible of course but far better than 1.5k/day)

That would result in me being covered

I am now seeking a different facility for detox currently (I relapse in SL and have to detox in order to be allowed back), however I am hard pressed to find a detox facility that I can admit to.

I was curious if my same method I used for Csprings would work at a different facility as long as the new place is a co-occuring disorders facility? Or is there like different classifications for say, a mental hospital that ALSO does detoxification, VS a DETOX that ALSO does mental health??

I'm also finding a lot of places online that mention they take Medicare but I was always told Medicare doesn't cover things like SUD treatment? Is it even with it calling these places and potentially wasting my time?

SECOND QUESTION:

I am basically in poverty, I make 28,800/year and that's from disability alone, I have read many "sliding scale" places do around 200% of the FPL, so wondering if I appear to qualify under that standard? Or if Sliding Scale is even something for me or if It is a worthy approach? Thank you to anyone with any insight!!

I started a new job at a drug and alcohol detox. I’ve been sober for 4 years and was fully transparent about my prescribed medications (Vivitrol/naltrexone and stimulants). During a random drug test at work, I got a false positive for oxycodone due to the Naltrexone. I immediately requested a retest but heard nothing back, so I went to a certified lab for a full-panel urine and hair test, which confirmed I was negative for everything not prescribed.

Despite this, my manager called later that day and fired me, saying it was “just not a good fit.” When I asked for clarification. As to why she said “this morning.” That morning was when I failed my drug test. I asked for documentation, she agreed to provide it, and I never received any. I’m frustrated because the ADA protects people using medications like naltrexone, but I’m not going to fight to stay where I’m not wanted. Just venting—feeling defeated but trying to focus on moving forward.

Anyone else deal with something like this?

I don't really know how to describe hitting my 1 yr anniversary of quitting mind altering substances. I feel like I should have some wisdom to share, but all I can say is that it feels unreal.

After 15 years of off and on using of various substances, I feel like I got what I was looking for in using, and while I'm grateful for the experiences I had (good and bad), I don't want to go back to that.

I'm tackling the 12 steps in NA now, and someday I think I'll have the courage to do the 12 steps in CODA, but I'm taking it 24 hours at a time.

I'm taking a cake on Saturday with my home group but today is the official day. 11/25/23 is my clean date.

I feel grateful that I survived and made it this far. I'm going to keep going.

What makes an effective sober house manager ? How to deal with clients day to day ? What boundaries should be set for one’s own mental well being ? How to deal with diffuser clients that hate authority ? . I’ve done this position before , I always winged it but this time I genuinely want to know what’s the best approach . I’ve noticed I let my ego get in the way and at the same time my self esteem gets in the way as well . Advice ? Tips?

i’m 16 and i was addicted to speed and downers, i have an eating disorder and am going to treatment today but all i can think about is relapsing, my eating disorder isn’t even in my mind i just want to relapse, i miss my old life even though it was terrible i miss the chaos and all the shitty people that were a part of it, i don’t even know why i’m craving after so long of being sober. Everyone says that getting clean makes you feel amazing and your mental health gets so much better but all it did was bring up all of my issues i was covering with drugs, i’ve tried to work through it but i just can’t seem to get better. I don’t know i’ve been thinking about smoking weed again to help anxiety and food related issues and to hopefully stop the cravings of the harder drugs but not sure if that would just lead me straight back to where i was before, is anyone else still craving after being clean for years

Just looking for advice and possibly just an ear to bend. I'm 7.5 months sober and just caught my first cold. I've been laying around my house for 5 days now and I don't know how to explain it but I'm very frustrated, upset and a bit sad. Like WTF, I'm sober now! Isn't it all good now? I'm doing the right thing but that's still not good enough? Hopefully someone can relate. TYIA 🙏

I've been on codeine and pregablin for years, I've recently decided to come off both. I've gone cold turkey. I'm about 6 days in. I started abusing pain meds when I had a double tragedy in my family. I lost both parents and rather than go through the grief I stacked pregablin on top of codeine and abused both for around 10 years.

Just wondering how long these withdrawals last? Is there anthing (no alcholol/drugs) that can alleviate the symptoms. Don't judge this but I was made a single dad recently on top of everything. I think this amped up the secret perscription abuse. Now I'm regrettably a worse addict.

I have a good job, good standing in the community. I'd say I'm a happy parent, my sons very happy in life. I'm just a secret addict. I'd say high functioning, secret addict. But I'm drifting through life not feeling, when on them. I've only recently had a serious awakening to this. I'm 36, I have to sort it out now. Although my kid had up till now a stress free parent, through the masking - he didn't have a very present one. He's 9, I want to make sure I'm on top form for him through his teens. I'm really committed to stopping.

Heard this group was good for confidential advice. Anyone that's been in or is in a similar battle with perscribed meds and came out the other side addiction free?

Thanks in advance.

just need some motivation to stay clean, I’m now 2 weeks off meth without NA :)

I thought I wouldn’t be able to stop but I’m honestly so glad I did.

In September and October of 2022 I was literally dying from my fentanyl use. My health had been deteriorating for a while and I didn't do anything about it. Serious endocrine and neurological damage combined with other issues - anyways, I had two months of barely clinging to life. Something in brain spazzed out and prevented me from sleeping and the fentanyl which had previously been my saving grace for sleep had now become the number 1 thing getting in the way of it. It made the issue worse. My brain was broken. For about a month there was almost no sleep at all and I started dying. No food, no sleep, no ability to use bathroom. It was over. Tried to end myself multiple times rather than drag it out. Couldn't even do that. Didnt have it in me. It was torture.

I went from a hardcore atheist to a believer (months later solidified specifically as a Christian when I had time to investigate but won't get into that here. I know God saved my life. I'll leave it at that.)

After about 2 months of nearly dying, I try Kratom as a last ditch effort. I know people love it. Saved their life. I took the lowest dose possible. Like two sips of tea and I think it gave me permanent gastrointestinal issues I still have today so - BE FUCKING CAREFUL if you have gut issues already on that shit. No - all the horror stories are NOT big pharma propaganda. I believe it has helped people and God bless, but everyone's different and some of the horror stories are real. Anyways, after the "miracle" cure failed me, and my drug use wasn't physically possible (body couldn't even snort it anymore. Physically recoiled from it. Also it turns out I was buying from a guy who got busted by the feds and later I even got a visit from them myself. It was a big story couple years ago I think. That guy was poisoning his clients. Narco-something was his username.) I used my last ever fent after 9 years of heroin/fent addiction on Mischeif Night 2022 and went to the methadone clinic on Halloween.

And I was finally able to sleep. But my body has never been the same after all the sleep and malnutrition loss. And the methadone began to cause very serious side effects of its own. Ive been clean now over two years. On 70mg (the opiate addict in me wants to be much higher but physically I can't). I'm not tolerating it well. It's causing so many issues that it would take forever to list them all.

I dont consider this being "clean". Everyone is different. For those able to take methadone and live a normal life, thats great. This has really messed with my life.

And to make matters worse I've read absolute horror stories about methadone detox and withdrawals. For me the methadone may be worse than the dope in how it's impacting my life. At least heroin is out of your system quick.

I've even heard some say it may be better to get back on heroin or some other opiate with a short half life and detox that way due to the horror of methadone withdrawal. Thoughts?

Edit: I want to clarify that I am considering tapering the methadone down to a very low dose and then switch to an opiate (either legal or illegal) with a short half-life for maybe a month or two until the methadone is out of the system. Then quit that as well. So the withdrawal is shorter. I cant do a month or more of no sleep. And I have heard horror stories even from those who taper and do everything right and go to a rehab. My body is too frail to go a month or more without sleep. I'm only thinking of doing this out of absolute necessity. Not trying to get back on dope, but trying to kick opiate once and for all.

Immediately felt amazing, wanted more. Next days: Sad, disappointed, depressed, but really never wanna do that again. My primary DOC is alcohol and managed to stay away from that but for some reason I caved on the other one.

three days ago I used again and now I feel ashamed of my actions that I did under the influence. How to get rid of the emotions? I had just started to like myself again, but now I'm back to square one.

I am over 4 years sober from H, coke, meth, and benzos (primarily), and I’m struggling to allow myself to have fun and be happy. Whenever I’m joking around and laughing and just being happy, I will get these sudden pits in my stomach and start panicking; feeling like I’m somehow in the middle of a bender. I essentially can’t joke around and act hyper without getting panic attacks where I start fearing a “comedown” that isn’t going to happen on account of there being zero drugs involved. It’s taking a toll on me and making me scared of things like birds chirping while it’s dark outside, laughing and acting hyper, and being myself around others when I’m feeling happy. I’m unable to have a funny and happy time with my girlfriend and really everyone without having a small panic attack that halts any conversation, laughing, and having fun.

If anybody’s experienced this, I need advice on how to move past this guilt I feel whenever I’m having fun and happy in a way that’s sort of similar to what my environment would be like while using.

This recovery house were in really keeps making up rules as they go , on a daily. How the hell can you tell all housemates that we have to go to an n.a meeting, and if we don't go were getting a write up. They didn't have the courtesy to at least see if we had prior plans this evening, which we do. Also, were a.a, although I know a meeting is a meeting but that's what there pushing on us and I feel some type of way now about it. If they start this crap, who's to say they won't continue on with more outrageous rules? Then when a client states that he's not attending this meeting, the staff asks him to sign the write up. What!?? The meeting hasn't even happened yet, how the hell can he write a future write up? Who's to say he won't change his mind and attend? This is getting out of hand with this particular house. Yea, it's covered by state and it's free. Yea, it can only help another meeting, but it all comes down to PRINCIPAL. There's been quite a few things the staff here has done that's questionable, and already grievances are in effect, this is another that Will be added to my list for sure. Please give me some suggestions people of Philadelphia. Recovery and all types. Thanks! I'm trying here, and there's bigger fish to fry than to be concerning myself with trivial things, but I definitely know where this can lead when you don't stand up for yourself and what is actual legal in these terms.

On Wednesday I celebrated having 8 months clean off fentanyl and meth! I have a good job. I have my son back full time. I moved out of Oxford into my own home in August. My partner and father of my son is also clean. My life isn't perfect in any way but I'm happy and healthy and my family is together 💜

The last drug I took was ketamine in a rehab in April 2021. Been in Narcotics Anonymous ever since leaving that rehab, do meetings, service, (ut currently I don’t have a sponsor / not doing steps). I was walking home and saw 4 large canisters of nos, I brought them to my house and bought some balloons nearby. The canisters were all empty. I don’t know what I was thinking, I had just taken an NA meeting at mum local church less than 2 hours before. I was so disappointed that the canisters were empty, I bought some Nos to be delivered to my house, it should be coming Monday. I want to tell myself ‘it’s just nos’, but taking nos in my mid-teens ended up with me injecting drugs in my mid-twenties. I work in a rehab helping people in early recovery. I feel ashamed that i want to take something mind/body altering, but i want it really badly, It just feels like this force inside me. I can put my head on the pillow clean today, but I no longer see abstinence/recovery as a ‘forever’ thing, i just feel like I’m putting off the inevitable that I’ll use...

Anyone find it hard to be with normal people. I never feel normal with these people.

My old life constantly goes back and forth in my head

I've been walking around really horny since morning, I'm addicted to porn so it was the perfect time to stop, I've never gone this far without fapping and porn and now I feel so heavy, I feel like I'm close to a relapse

Today 11/22/24 I celebrate 5 years sober from alcohol! By the grace of god and the 12 steps. Today is a really important day for me! I cannot believe I did it! 5 years under my belt now working on year 6 one day at a time!

Update: thank you all for some of the amazing comments! This Reddit was helpful in those early days where I gripped to my life between meetings. People ask me how come it looks effortless now? I go well I know what happens if I am to drink I will end up having a mental breakdown. Big thing for me is meetings I do online mostly cause I’m rural. My husband is in the rooms my father in law is and my parents have educated themselves on alcoholism effectiveness of AA and have read the BB. Take it 24 hours at a time

I don’t drink. I don’t smoke cigarettes/vape. I’ve been completely sober from hard drugs & psychedelics for 8 years now. I rarely even have caffeine.

But since my car accident & bipolar diagnosis I’ve been smoking basically everyday all day for almost 3 years. I’ve been using it to numb out my chronic pain, PTSD & use it to motivate myself to garden & do art. Things also seem more entertaining & manageable.

I want to quit for many reasons but here’s the main ones:

1. I’m on a lot of medication.
2. All smoking is bad
3. We are only seeing legitimate studies & long term effects of daily use now
4. The THC percentage has increased massively since decriminalisation/ legalisation & making it harder to quit
5. I’m sick of being controlled by a freaking plant

My self-sabotaging self keeps trying to convince me it’s the only “bad habit” I have. My boyfriend, who was also in the car accident, also smokes weed. He too barely drinks & has stopped smoking cigarettes for 5 years. But smokes weed for his chronic pain & calming his ADHD.

But we’re both on day 4 sober now & struggling hard. Any tips to manage this feeling will be much appreciated. Thanks for reading 🙏