Hello! Thank you to everyone who provided feedback on my previous versions. You can find V2 plus the first 300 words here. I was told it was almost ready to go but wanted to make sure it was as good as possible and spent another week tweaking it according to the feedback received. Here's the result. Huge huge thank yous to anyone willing to take a peek. :)

Couple notes and questions:

• I've gotten feedback that this leans upmarket. When pitching this to agents who are looking for upmarket, can I just add "contemporary romance with upmarket elements"? I've read a few threads here and have seen a lot of different criteria for upmarket, but based on the novel being heavily character-driven and the themes it explores it seems to fit.
• Several agents I plan on querying are looking to represent disabled authors. The disabled bit in my query will be left in for those and left out for others.

Dear [AGENT],

[BASED ON YOUR INTEREST IN X & Y], I’m thrilled to present RULE OF THIRDS, a slow-burn dual-POV contemporary romance complete at 82,000 words. It combines the complicated family dynamics in Helen Hoang’s The Heart Principle with the heart, exploration of grief, and coastal setting in Trish Doller’s Float Plan.

Struggling wedding photographer Emmy Fisher would rather walk barefoot on glass than return to Seattle, the city tainted by Colette, her overbearing mother, and her ghosting ex. Thanks to their influence, she adopted three rules: Trust Sparingly, Keep Secrets Close, and Don’t Fall in Love Again. When a studio offers temp work, Emmy seizes the opportunity to stay in California, keeping her independence and the career she adores. The catch? She’ll shoot weddings with Theo Cooper, whose persistent wit and kindness render her curious yet wary. 

Theo is stuck. The looming anniversary of his twin sister’s death and the photography career he pursued in her place leave him adrift. When Emmy becomes his new partner, her resilience, dry humor, and passion for their craft splash color into his life. Capturing romantic moments together sparks first friendship, then more. Wracked with lingering grief and survivor’s guilt, Theo battles his growing feelings, hesitant to chase the happiness his twin couldn't. 

As Colette pushes her curated plan for Emmy’s life, Theo’s presence provides a safe, empathetic haven, leading Emmy to question her rules. When she learns of his sister and the dream career Theo abandoned, her encouragement inspires him to look beyond past and present. With her last rule crumbling, Emmy can risk her heart for another chance at love, or retreat, accepting a lonely existence. Meanwhile, Theo must choose: cling to his career–the remaining connection to his sister–or embrace a future of his own making.

I am a disabled writer living in [LOCATION]. Like Emmy, I strive to capture life’s fleeting beauty in photos, as well as my writing.  

Thank you for your time and consideration. I'd love to send my manuscript if you're interested. 

[NAME]

Thank you for the feedback on my fifth, fourth, third, second, and first attempt! For this sixth attempt, I clarified that the main characters are girls and specified the secrets and stakes. Thank you in advance for your feedback! :)

---

[Personalized intro]

Four best friends play different girls’ sports—but they all play the same game in Orange Canyon Prep’s biggest scandal.

With their friendship going strong like the Southern Californian sunshine, high school seniors Briar, Addison, Finley, and Jo have been bonded by their ambitions to play professionally since freshman year. In fact, the four girls have committed to D1 colleges in New England to stay near each other. But their college plans are sidelined when Jo’s teammate attempts to drown Jo at the water polo championship party, leaving her in a coma. The almost-murderer is arrested, but the damage is done: Jo will most likely not play water polo again, leaving her best friends with a sliver of hope for their plans returning to action. While visiting Jo at the hospital, the remaining girls find a red, handwritten note on a get-well bouquet card that reads: “One jock down, three to go.”

The three friends must now track down who is actually behind the crime before one of them becomes the next victim. And outside help is not an option when the same mysterious handwriting introduces a new rule on Briar’s hockey stick, Addison’s softball glove, and Finley’s figure skate: to be spared from Jo’s fate, each girl must publicly confess the truth behind her athletic performance and top position on her team. Being honest and working together is the best game plan to protect themselves from career-ending injuries and bring justice for Jo. But that's easier said than done when the secret not even her best friends know about is on the line.

THE GAMES WE PLAY (71,000 words) is a YA sports mystery novel told from each of the three friends’ points of view. It combines the strong female, sport-centric friendship of We Are the Wildcats by Siobhan Vivian with the mystery elements of the One of Us is Lying series by Karen M. McManus.

[Bio]

Hi, everyone! This is my second attempt posting my query letter. Thank you to everyone who commented on or critiqued the first attempt (pinned on my profile). Since then, I tried to focus more on stakes and more worldbuilding context. As for the last draft, people who have not yet seen it are also welcome! Here is the second attempt of my query letter:

Dear [Agent]

I am seeking representation for my YA fantasy novel, THE ROOTS OF DESTINY—complete at 92,000 words—in which the blooming atmosphere of THE HAZEL WOOD meets the gripping stakes and female friendships of HOUSE OF MARIONNE and the mystery of the SISTERS OF THE SALT series in a genre-bending, futuristic world. Thank you in advance for your time.

After a failed experiment to make plants live forever, humans burned all discovered vegetation for the sake of humanity, leaving Earth as an artificial shell of its former light. In 2091, sixteen-year-old Vee Arrowood is sheltered from the dark world Earth has become, with only a forgotten forest to keep her grounded.

But when a dance with darkness leads her into Evergreen—a land of lush-dependent elves—she discovers her mysterious birth mother’s former society, the Everlife, a group of the prestigious yet intricate individuals who protect the lands of green. While Vee aids the Everlife in solving the mystery of a deadly virus spreading within—and the shadows of darkness that seem to follow their trail—she opens the petals of her own budding magic, her mother’s legacy, and feelings for a fellow member.

But as her power grants visions that blur the line between the windows of time, it soon reveals an unexpected threat: from the moment Vee stepped into this world, dark magic erased a memory that could mean the end of it—and perhaps, her very own death.

I am an African-American fantasy writer based in [city name], residing with my spunky, supportive grandmother and our miniature poodle. I am currently pursuing my AA Degree in Mass Communications. I’ve had a passion for writing since before I could spell “big words.” But when I’m not honing my craft, you might find me making art in other forms, binging Hallmark movies, or at my local bookstore. I deeply appreciate your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

THE ROOTS OF DESTINY is the first in a series, [series name].

My warmest regards,

Q’Zion G.

Hi, so this is a query/submission letter not for agents but for small presses.

Dear (people who run the press),

In 2014 California, Tessa shuns college and sets out on the road with her doom metal band. She is determined to shrug off the conformist cloak of her ancestors and carve out her own path in a rapidly shrinking world. Over the next decade, against a backdrop of growing climate conflicts and societal alienation, she struggles to find meaningful connections with other humans, hope for her future, and above all, what her family has been searching for for a hundred years — a sense of home. METHUSELAH is a meditation on the passage of time, the influence of memory, and the experience of living in an increasingly artificial and frenetic world.

It is contemporary literary fiction complete in a novella at 32,000 words. It blends the sharp social commentary of Allie Rowbottom's AESTHETICA with the lyrical writing of Genevieve Plunkett's IN THE LOBBY OF THE DREAM HOTEL.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

(Bio)

———

Thank you for any feedback you can give!!

Hi everyone I'm new here. Recently got back in the querying trenches after parting with my last agent. My MS was requested by MG at Trident. I tried to look up as much info as possible about what happened there. Most links won't work. Can anyone share their experiences? Not sure if I should submit. Thank you.

Hello everyone, I revamped my query to reflect the feedback I got, by cutting right to the chase, and getting more into the details of what my mc goes through in their journey. So I did just that. I hope you like it.

Thirteen-year-old Olivia Pines is the only Maple tree spirit in her whole forest, and prefers to spend her free time exploring the Human World. However, one day while she's there, Olivia is caught in a massive forest fire, one that simultaneously ends the lives of many spirits in her world. It's here where she's forced to break her world’s most sacred law: saving the life of a lone human boy named Andy, by taking him back to her world.

Since keeping Andy in the other world is a very serious crime, Olivia asks him to return home. But when she learns that he came from an abusive household, Olivia decides to hide him in the spirit world. This situation ends up getting harder, when at the same time, half the population hopes to go to war with humanity for causing climate change, the underlying cause of the fire, including her own Father.

When Olivia finds this out, she becomes terrified at the thought of Andy getting killed, and her rescue being all for nothing. Unsure of what she should do, or who she can trust, Olivia will need to do everything she can to keep Andy a secret from everyone. And as their bond grows stronger day by day, Olivia will also have to go the extra mile, to ensure that Andy will be safe into the distant future.

Back again with an updated query and author bio based on all the helpful feedback I got on my previous post. Thanks again to everyone who offered advice. I'm still working on gathering comps, but I wanted to check in to see if my query is on the right track. Thanks in advance for any advice or criticisms you may have.

[Agent personalization]

Victor on the Outside is a literary novel with elements of magical realism, complete at 85,000 words. The target demographics are two age ranges: young adults who recently set out on their own and 35+ year-olds who came of age in the late 90s and/or early 2000s. It explores themes of isolation, depression, violence, hatred, and the absurdity of modern life in a typical American town. [Working on comps now]

—

Born with a steadily widening pinhole in his heart, Victor has spent nearly his entire life cloistered within the confines of his home under the vigilant care of his steadfast protector, Mother. Their dinnertime ritual is to review the latest Polaroids she’s taken at work—first as a paramedic and later as an ER nurse—and the accompanying accounts of tragedy, his only connection to society and favorite form of entertainment. At 26 years old, he resolves to cease being a callow boy and uncover the truth about what lies beyond the endless monotony of safety. Then it happens. Mother dies and he is free. Victor on the Outside is his single, transformative day and night, July 4, 1999.

Immediately, it becomes clear he’s ill-prepared for this barrage of painful attention, accusing eyeballs drawn to his blue lips—a side effect of his condition. Foolishly, he had long imagined his story would inherently resemble those of his cherished collection of dog-eared adventure books—the only legacy his father left behind.

Lost and overwhelmed, he mindlessly tracks a spire of smoke in the distance. Victor is awestruck by the blazing factory fire and the headless man who staggers from the entrance, collapsing before his feet. In the man's pockets, he finds what he’s been searching for, a sign that he’s on his destined path in the form of a wallet and a set of house keys. Parsing through the evidence of a sad, abandoned life within the dead man’s home, he is startled by the voice of a girl as she leaves an answering machine message, reminding her father of their plans for later in the day. What he doesn’t know is that she’s just as traumatized as he is, and infatuation can come at a great cost. Victor is repeatedly confronted with a taunting choice: flee, just like his cowardly father, or stand up for himself against a world he was never meant to experience. While he’s long suspected Mother had lied to curtail dangerous curiosity, perhaps her emphatic warnings about the hidden machinations of strangers were true after all.

—

My name is XX, and I am a documentary director living in upstate NY with my wife and young daughter. Like Victor, I lived much of my life with a hole in my heart, though mine is metaphorical. The feeling that I don’t belong anywhere and the consequential isolation. Having overcome my depression, I decided to take on this story that has long lived in my head to see if it could help others who are struggling not to feel so alone.

First 300 words:

You don’t look well, Victor.

A boy of twenty-six years sits on the sofa with the giant orange flower pattern. His hovering face blank, too heavy to keep upright. The couch’s second skin—the protective plastic that bounces back the light in broken triangles, revealing itself—croaks whenever he shifts. 

It’s July 3rd, 1999 in Greenville.

The same words tumble through his mind in a loop, Mother is dead.

A few of them are still milling about the living room in circles, mostly former coworkers from the hospital. It seems Mother had no friends her own age. These people are elderly to the point of colorlessness. The few men present are slow-witted, fuzzy-eared husbands, saying things like, What’s that then? Their pants and jackets smothered in swirls of white cat hair. Occasionally, one of the circling women stops to pet his back, softening their voices into unfinished sentences. A few of them tell pointless stories of when he was a child. He recalls none of what they describe. They have it all mixed up, burdened by an abundance of memories, overlapping events naggingly similar and too faded to distinguish.

They are mindful not to inquire about his plans for the future, just as no one ever asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. It would be a thoughtless question. He will die before long and they all know it—his defining characteristic. His existence is an anecdote, a pleasureful indulgence too tragic not to share. The boy with the hole in his heart. He imagines these women spreading the morbid tale under the guise of sympathy, their insides aflutter with the pleasure of tragedy safely observed and the comfort that it's all happening to someone else.

I am writing to seek representation for Alethia, a science fiction novel that is complete at 105,000 words.

Raven has a rare condition that causes her to feel other people’s emotions like they’re her own. That makes other people easy for her – it’s knowing herself that’s the problem.

When an architect named Arlo asks Raven for help it doesn’t take long for him to become infatuated with her. She, though, is enamored with the puzzle he’s brought her. Arlo builds worlds that perfectly simulate all five senses and are accessible through the virtual reality where more and more people spend all their time. A religious group called the Alethians hired him to build an office campus, but that’s not what it looks like. It looks like a terrorist training camp.

Raven reaches out to her contacts in the government to sound the alarm. But despite her charm and connections, she finds herself stymied again and again by a directive from a senior intelligence official declaring any investigation of the Alethians off-limits.

Raven and Arlo decide to gather more evidence and enlist Erica and Alan to help. Erica is a pilot who can split her mind into dozens of fragments to inhabit fleets of starfighters or clouds of surveillance drones like extensions of her own body. Alan is a professor who uses machine learning to predict the future with uncanny accuracy. Between them, they discover the Alethians are plotting an attack that could kill almost everyone on the planet.

Will they be able to stop the attack in time? And why is a senior government official protecting the Alethians?

Alethia explores whether AI will destroy us or save us, how our fears can become self-fulfilling prophecies, and how to be true to yourself even when you feel powerless. Alethia combines the dark philosophical twist of Peter Watts’ Blindsight, the personification of AI in Ann Leckie’s Ancillary Justice, and the struggle to define oneself from Ryka Aoki’s Light from Uncommon Stars.

Some of the inspiration for Alethia comes from my time working in a research lab at UCLA, where I worked on brain-computer interfaces for ALS patients to connect with the outside world as their motor neurons degrade and they become locked inside themselves.

I am also the co-host of a popular podcast about science fiction books called The Hugonauts. Each episode attracts more than 3,500 avid sci-fi readers, and we have also built strong relationships with other sci-fi content creators.

Thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon,

Hey all! Still very much in the throws of this idea, but wanted to get ahead of myself and write a query to keep myself focused on the major points and themes as I continue forward as I've heard that's a good idea.

I know it's on the longer side and is my first attempt so feel free to tell me to cut, cut, cut. I also worry I'm either not getting the themes across well enough or maybe laying them on too thick??? I want to have a clear idea of the themes as I keep going and being able to distill it down to a few words would be majorly helpful.

I also am unsure if I should be mentioning the reveal that Fia is actually related to the wolves or if that's not important for the query(I kind of mention it with her and Eamon looking alike, so not sure if I should just keep the hint of it in, or remove it all together).

EDIT: hints on possible comps would be appreicated. I'm still in the throes of trying to find similar stuff that doesn't lean too fantasy (as I find folklore reimaginings often do)

Anyways, here:

DAUGHTER OF THE HUNT is a XXk YA dystopian with a folkloric twist. A loose reimagining of Little Red Riding Hood, Daughter of the Hunt explores the themes of veiled predators and hidden truths, and how a well pointed finger can overshadow every other evil. Perfect for fans of [comp titles].

In the province of Briar, girlhood ends with banishment.

Ever since the war, each fall, every seventeen year old girl in Briar is sent outside the walls to survive the woods that surround their village. Tasked with surviving the elements, each other and most horrifyingly the hoard of mythically demonic wolves that are said to reside in the woods, the Daughters of the Hunt must prove their strength, courage and allegiance to their province. Coming home the following spring marks their entrance into womanhood.  

Fia Bellamy, having watched the daughters return scarred and spiritless her whole life, isn’t so sure the hunt is just a rite of womanhood. A free-spirit, Fia feels stifled by the ceremonial preparations for the hunt, which seem to do less with empowerment and more to do with control, and enters the woods with a hint of hesitation. 

However, just one night in the woods and Fia is given what she was promised: a fight against the elements, battling personalities, and the wolves. Making it to the safe house at the heart of the forest now feels like a daunting task. But one night, Fia has a close encounter with a wolf, who leaves her unscathed. She learns something. The wolves aren’t wolves at all, they’re people. 

Her world is turned on its head as she begins a kind of friendship with Eamon, a "wolf" with the same red hair and grey eyes as her. She learns about the wolves and why they really hunt the daughters, all while balancing the tumultuous alliances and dwindling supplies of her fellow daughters inside the safe house. Slowly, Fia’s understanding of her identity and her home comes undone as she watches the two warring factions, with the elders of Briar conveniently safe inside the walls. 

Fia has to decide whether to concede to the hunt, leaving Eamon’s truth about her people’s past behind her and focus on keeping what’s left of the daughters alive and safe until the spring, or choosing to break the cycle and reveal to everyone the truth about the wolves and her society. 

[author blurb]

FIRST 300:

The wolves will tear you to shreds. That’s what we have always been taught. Eight feet tall, with razor sharp teeth that can tear your limb off clean with a single bite. Their fur, dense and packed with tiny poisonous spines, leaves you delirious with one touch. They could mimic human voices, crying out in desperation in the voice of your loved ones, luring you to them. They pretended they were tameable, only to snap your hand off the moment you reached towards them with your guard down. 

A million different versions of the wolves that lived beyond our walls inhabited the minds of each and every person in Briar. And nobody knew which version was right. Even if you survived the wolves, it seemed like they took the ability to explain them from you.

So the wolves just lived in our minds as incomprehensible monsters. Each day a new attribute. One day they had glowing red eyes, the next they could climb trees. They became more and more terrifying with every whispered thought. Every breeze that ruffled the collars of scared men and the hemlines of women’s dresses carried a new interpretation that skulked around the shadows of Briar before a new version took root. 

But they existed, and their true nature was hidden in the seams of sewn up wounds on the the girls when they returned each spring–skin sallow and eyes holding a haunting gaze. 

And in just two days time, it would be my turn to learn the truth about the wolves. On the fall Turning Day every girl in her seventeenth year would be sent out into the woods to fend for herself until spring, myself included. We would become the Daughters of the Hunt, marked and banished to earn our womanhood and place here in Briar.

Hello! Since Querymanager is down, I thought I’d stir up a conversation to distract my brain. I’ve noticed that a lot of agents on Querytracker request 15-20 full manuscripts at a time. But from that batch, they usually only agree to represent one or two.

Does anyone know what plays into how they choose? How do agents know if your manuscript is “the one”? Or vice versa, what makes them set your manuscript down and pass? I understand that some manuscripts sputter out halfway through and lose traction, but I can’t imagine 90% of them do?

As a side note, since sending my full off, I’ve come across some grammar errors in my manuscript. I hope this isn’t a make or break it for an agent. It’s not that my manuscript is littered with errors, but I am not perfect, and I couldn’t stare at my manuscript anymore before sending it off. I edited it at least 8 times and had 4 beta readers read it as well. How are there still errors? GAH. Anyway, do agents focus on those errors which are easily fixable on my end, or do they focus more on the story and the writing style? Which leads me back to… what makes an agent choose YOU?

Hello again and happy holidays!

I've made some radical changes after some good feedback on my first attempt. Most of that round was advice for selecting comps, which I've been following. I have one comp I think is good and am working my way through a list to get one or two more. I also posted a draft to qtcritique, so this is technically a third draft, but second for this subreddit.

Mostly I'm curious whether the flow of the plot makes sense, and if the stakes feel appropriate and clear. Also whether for this specific query if the meta info would feel better at the beginning or end.

Query:

Dear [agent],

Reila has spent a number of years idling in the backwoods hamlet of Farwater. When she first arrived, harrowed by her escape from the political intrigues of the capital, the locals welcomed her into their midst without prying questions. The peace of Farwater gave her contentment and healing – and eventually even a husband. 

But when a routine argument with Enris – a tax collector resentful of his humble roots – turns bloody, her husband is one of the unlucky few caught in the messy executions. Farwater's peace is shattered, and Reila's with it. Driven by grief and vengeance, she begins manipulating the village leadership to launch a guerrilla assault against the local lord’s estate.

As she begins her machinations Reila is forced to accept that just because her neighbors lead simple lives, it does not make them simple minded; the various heads of major families in Farwater have their own ideas of what justice should look like and many are resistant to Reila’s bloodier conceptions. When she tries to rile the village towards vengeance during a gathering, the families still vying for peaceful resolution stand firmly against her. Rather than accept the decision, Reila gathers everyone she can to launch an ambush against Enris, and when it fails the whole village is dragged into the conflict regardless. As the violence mounts she is forced to confront questions that she'd initially put aside in her grief: how far does she actually want this to go, and what kind of person is she willing to turn herself into to get there?

HEART OF POWER is an adult fantasy novel at 80,000 words with series potential. It will appeal to fans of dark fantasies featuring socio-economic upheaval, like Anthony Ryan’s The Pariah. [will insert another comp and personalization here].

I grew up in [state] but moved up to [state] to begin college at 16, graduating with a degree in literary theory. Not long after that I moved to [abroad] to teach English. I met my wife there, and now we have a child together. I have family in [US state] and will be moving there in spring of 2025. My family has always been deeply involved in the labor movement, and I’m an active union member. My father was interested in creative writing and before he passed away in my teens he introduced me to many fantasy works. That amalgam of interests inevitably brought me into the class conscious authors whose ranks I now hope to join.

The title is a placeholder for now until I figure out a better one. I’m looking to see if the query is confusing or not. I forced myself to not add more backstory even though I was tempted too. And I had a few comps but have decided against them until I finish reading a few other possible comps I have. I really appreciate anyone who can give some good feedback. Thanks!

Dear Agent,

THE LIFEBRINGERS is an adult fantasy novel complete at 98,000 words. A standalone with series potential.

Since childhood, Soren Dray has sworn to serve the demigod lord who saved him from a war-torn homeland. But serving him is no easy task. The lord regularly defies the gods by sheltering their enemies—Soren’s own kin, the Lifebringers, followers of the old gods—in peaceful groves within his domain. Every year, a new godling is born, sent by the gods to replace the lord, and Soren’s grim duty is to kill the infant before it can gain power. This year, however, things take an unexpected turn when the godling disappears before Soren can act.

Enchanter Ilias Valtor is desperate to redeem his disgraced noble house, tarnished by his father’s alliance with the Lifebringers during the war. He accepts a commission from the queen of the demigods: go with her men to infiltrate the lord’s secluded domain, gather proof that he is protecting active Lifebringers, and investigate why no new godlings have been born. But Ilias quickly realizes the mission is more difficult than expected when he meets Soren, the lord’s loyal soldier, who stands in his way at every turn.

As strange deaths begin to plague both sides, it becomes clear that the wild godling—twisted by the countless cycles of life and death it remembers at Soren’s hand—is growing more dangerous by the day. With the threat escalating, Ilias and Soren are forced to consider working together to stop the godling’s rampage before they’re picked off one by one. But if anyone discovers that Ilias is working alongside a Lifebringer, his chance at redemption will be lost forever. And Soren’s growing feelings for Ilias threatens to complicate things at the worst possible time as he struggles to defend everything he’s sworn to protect against the small demigod hellbent on destroying all he holds dear.

(Bio and closing)

I hope I'm not posting too often...apologies if I am. But I think I'm almost set with the query thanks to the wonderful feedback I've been getting here, and I'm hoping for one last gut check before officially getting into the trenches.

Dear Agent, 

 [personalization] 

The only devil Jasper Cruz ever knew was his scandal-ridden pastor. Those sexual misconduct and drunk driving charges leave Jasper questioning everything Evangelical Christianity conditioned him to fear. So, when charismatic nightclub owner Savas Verici invites Jasper to try Dragon’s Blood, that mysterious street drug becomes Jasper’s chance to figure out for himself what is—and isn’t—evil. 

But it turns out evil is real, and there is much to fear. Dragon’s Blood opens Jasper’s eyes to creatures he has never seen before, a hidden world where soul-eaters masquerade as humans to prey on the enlightened, those chosen to defend humanity against those predators, recognizable by an aura only a few people like Jasper can see. Using this ability gives Jasper a new purpose. He joins Savas’s hunt for these soul-eaters to avenge Savas’s father, an enlightened one who was a victim of the soul-eaters. Jasper’s devotion to the cause grows, almost as much as his hunger for the drug.  

The line between human and creature blurs when Jasper identifies a soul-eater as someone he personally knows. He learns soul-eaters have their own mission, and the aura around the enlightened ones means something much darker; Savas has his own victims outside of the soul-eaters, even if Savas thinks those sins are nothing compared to the larger mission. Now Jasper needs to end Savas’s crusade before the wrong people die. But with a growing addiction to Dragon’s Blood and Savas as its sole provider, Jasper might be just another of Savas’s victims. 

THE DEVIL AND THE NIGHTCLUB (96,000 words) is an adult dark contemporary fantasy with elements of horror, crossing the good/evil subversion of Chuck Wendig’s Black River Orchard, and the supernatural drug use of Clay McLeod Chapman’s Ghost Eaters.  

I am a Filipino-American writer from Chicago. As a recovering Evangelical Christian myself, I haven’t seen a soul-eater before, but I have seen my fair share of monsters lurking among people. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

SAMPLE:

Chapter 1: Ignorance Is Ignorance 

Jasper Cruz couldn’t unsee the night club as a landscape from hell, as if the crowds writhed in pain rather than revelry, the shadows poised to swallow everything from dance floor to balcony to catwalk, and the deejay perched on the stage like Satan himself. The thumping bass vibrated Jasper’s chest like a sub-woofer. An omen of some kind, maybe. As if every beat warned him, “Leave now, leave now,” the sound waves threatening to shatter his skull. 

But Jasper stuck around, elbows rooted along the edge of the bar. The beer in the plastic cup he held grew warm. He drew his drink to his mouth, ready to take a sip. The foam clung to his lips. The scent of hops and alcohol wafted up his nostrils. And— 

Jasper set the cup down, the beer left undrank. His fingertips still grazed the cup’s edge. He licked the foam off his lips, the bitterness going deeper than the unfamiliar taste. 

Tyler Sullivan stood by and hung his head. Even under the murky lighting, Tyler’s disappointment shone through his exasperated grimace. He leaned forward and yelled over the booming club music into Jasper’s ear. “We’ve been at this for twenty-eight minutes now. You don’t have to chug it but at least take a real swig. Loosen up a little. What’s the problem?” 

Jasper couldn’t answer right away. Where to even begin? Jasper’s explanation would sound ridiculous for Tyler, for someone completely at ease in a place like this. Tyler would never second guess if his own preferences came innately or ingrained. Unlike Jasper. 

Because even after all these years, Pastor Will and his sermons still haunted Jasper.

It's getting better! All the feedback so far has been super helpful. Sorry if I haven't been responding to anyone individually, it's just been crazy with the holidays.

Previous attempts:

https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1h0rhyy/qcrit_dark_fantasy_rise_fall_72k/

https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1h93fhx/qcrit_dark_fantasy_rise_fall_72k_version_2/

Query:

Dear [First Name, Last Name],

I am seeking representation for my debut 72,000-word LGBTQ+ dark fantasy novel, RISE & FALL.

Having to dig her way out of her own grave was not at the top of Dani’s bucket list. Neither was coming to find she’s spent the last year in Hell due to what she is told was the celestial equivalent of a “clerical error”. Sanity teetering, Dani tries to settle back into her old life with the help of an angel named Hanael, who Dani finds herself strangely drawn to, and quickly falling in love with.

Efforts at a new normal failing and suspicions surrounding her resurrection rising, Dani enlists the help of Hanael and her best friend, Nickie, to search for answers. Which leads them to a ritual that Dani performs that only manages to send her straight back to Hell. And suddenly – Hell is the least of her problems.

While Hanael and Nickie journey to Hell in a desperate attempt to save Dani’s soul (again), Dani begins a surreal journey of her own. One of returned past life memories, conspiring loved ones, and wait – who is Michael and why has he just dropped a sword at her feet? Nothing is as it seems and right when Dani thinks she’s starting to have it figured out…

The apocalypse starts.

RISE & FALL is told through a psychological, interlacing, and multi-POV character-driven narrative that will appeal to fans of dark fantasy, supernatural thrillers, and psychological horror. As a writer, I utilize my degree and career in the behavioral health field to create characters who are incredibly flawed, tormented, and fight desperately to triumph over their trauma.

Standalone with series potential.

Thank you so much for your consideration,

[My Name]

Hi, I’m finding this place super helpful in my querying journey so posting for the first time….

I started querying beginning of November and have had several full requests (7) - I’ve since had two rejections on those fulls in early December and so now have five remaining….. I’m trying to simulateously keep my hopes up while not expecting anything, but also had a response from one agent with my full on Tuesday evening to say they were reading it and liked it and hoped to be in touch ‘shortly’. I haven’t heard anything from that agent (or of course anyone else) and am assuming that’s now it for the holidays :-(

So my questions to you lovely folk are

a) how long a period is shortly, given it now appears it will stretch into Jan? (This is my jokey, needy question)

b) what is other folks’ experience on fulls? I know it’s all impossible to predict, but did others have early rejections and then offers?

c) If you get multiple full rejections do you keep querying - I’m currently planning to send out more queries in January

Oh and I’m fiction - a thriller - and a UK based writer :-) Any help and solidarity gratefully received and happy festive times everyone :-)

Hello! Thank you to everyone who commented their suggestions and especially to one user who really took the reins and helped me get rid of the "summary" feeling. Below is my second attempt. I'll put parenthesis around certain words that I'm considering adding/changing for flow or explanation.

Thanks!

Audrey Dupree is still trying to earn her family’s acceptance five years after ending her marriage over her desire to not have children. After being lied to for years, she’s not interested in dating. She wants her social media management business to be successful and to help her family like the good eldest millennial daughter she is.

Noah Fox needs to have a breakout season with the Houston Hurricanes if he wants to be anything more than a third-string tight end making league minimum (on the practice squad?) once his rookie deal is up. He takes up yoga to help him recover, mentally and emotionally, from a previous season ending injury. His plan to focus on nothing but football hits a snag when he meets a beautiful woman in class and an accidental run in with a door provides the perfect opportunity to ask her out for an apology dinner.

After meeting Noah, Audrey’s sister, Sarah, holds the truth behind Audrey’s divorce over her head in order to receive money for her child custody battle. Under this threat Audrey decides to lay it all on the line for Noah knowing this could be the end of things between them. When he’s contemplative but not shocked she knows she needs to give him time to think about the future. Everything changes when Noah is hurt during a home game Audrey attends. Now, she must decide if she’s done living under her family’s thumb, if she’s ready to trust herself again, and if Noah is the man she’s willing to risk it for. 

I am seeking representation for my adult sports romance, RED ZONE REALIZATIONS, set in Houston, Texas and complete at 90,000 words. Boasting a full cast of meddling side characters, sports drama and comedy, and a FMC who struggles to fit in, RED ZONE REALIZATIONS is for fans of Book Lovers by Emily Henry and The Ex Talk by Rachel Lynn Solomon.

In 2018 I graduated with my Bachelor’s of Arts in English, and I completed my Master’s of Library and Information Sciences in 2019. My dramatized nonfiction "title" was published in Magazine in 2018. Currently, I'm a full time Technical Writer.

Thank you very much to everyone who has replied to my previous attempts. I continue to learn and am committed to making this letter better. Maybe I've been overly cautious in my submissions (~15 in two months, 1 request so far), but I haven't gotten it to a place where I'm very confident. Any feedback and comments are appreciated, especially around ways I can make it more concise. Find my thread of previous attempts here. Thank you!

---

Dear [AGENT],

[INSERT PERSONALIZATION - DEPENDS ON AGENT]

I’m seeking representation for STAR-MAN, a literary suspense novel complete at 100,000 words.

Astronaut Max “Starman” Pearlman is secretly an actor. As the face of NASA, he preaches a vision of cosmic unity and progress, but ahead of his latest mission, a “voyage” to the moon Europa, the chemistry between him and his less-celebrated partner, Walter Park, is fizzling with disagreements over the agency’s direction. The two are set to return to Castor, a remote island in the Pacific where they film staged footage of their adventures. But when Walter’s attempt to reveal the truth at their launch ends in disaster, Max travels to Castor alone.

Outside of his scenes as Starman in the studio, Max lounges around the oceanside bungalow maintained by the island’s jaunty manager, Saul. He ignores incoming messages from his wife Sarah, a social media influencer and mother to their twin sons home in Los Angeles, and distracts himself with pills and wine, agonizing over Walter’s—demise? Betrayal? Perplexed by what transpired the launch, he dreams of discoursing with Walter at depths they never actually reached, where the labels they use to define their actions, and even themselves, start to implode. The lines between performance and reality blur as Max tests new methods of acting, both in the studio and around the bungalow—as well as Saul’s patience.

With deadlines for footage looming, Max must play his role even as his suspicions of operations on Castor deepen. He finds himself exploring remote crannies of the island jungle, Walter’s empty bedroom, and his own body, uncovering evidence of a plot more tragic than he ever imagined. As he questions his part in it, he reckons with the meaning of partnership and the reality of his relationships. Afraid, if not ashamed, he convinces himself that Sarah is his last hope for affirmation. And what does she believe? Nothing will stop Max from making it home to find out.

[INSERT COMPS]

[INSERT BIO]

[INSERT CLOSING INFO]

Hey PubTips fam, thanks in advance for the feedback!

Dear [Agent's Name],

Rachel seems like the kind of woman you’d want in your corner—charming, brilliant, and always one step ahead. A celebrated graphic designer in big tech, she’s admired for her flawless work and magnetic presence. But beneath her polished exterior lies a sociopath with a penchant for manipulation, and her latest scheme has turned deadly.

When her abusive stepfather’s lifeless body ends up in their family home, Rachel quickly spins a web of lies to protect herself. She enlists the help of her naïve stepsister, Kristi, coercing her into aiding with the cover-up. Reluctantly agreeing to help Rachel, the two sisters travel to their secluded lake house to hide the body. But as Kristi begins to suspect that Rachel’s motives are darker than she imagined, the sisters’ tenuous bond starts to unravel.

Rachel thrives on control, but with a detective digging into the case and Kristi growing more defiant, she must tighten her grip on the truth—or risk losing everything she’s worked so hard to build. As her carefully curated facade begins to crack, the question looms: How far will Rachel go to ensure her secrets stay buried?

Violets and Vices is a suspense thriller complete at 68000 that will appeal to fans of Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl and Jean Hanff Korelitz’s The Plot.

I’m back (with a new account) after taking a much-needed break from Reddit. For those who have seen my troubles before, I ripped apart the complex plot of my novel, narrowed it down, and made the main character more proactive. Not ready to put the novel out there since I’m still working on fixing it, the updated query letter is below:

Moana meets Snow White in this 100,000-word adult romantasy. THE TAINTED BLOOD OF POLARIS will appeal to fans of Claire Legrand’s A Crown of Ivy and Glass and Lyra Selene’s A Feather So Black by showing chronic illness drives unfathomable resilience and becomes one’s strongest asset.

Banished by her father for defending her best friend’s brutal attack on her uncle, ex-Princess Aster searches enemy territory for a ring that would turn a decades old war in her prior kingdom’s favor. She hopes exchanging the item that controls the Northlands’ magically enhanced border will stave off her friend’s execution and allow Aster to receive her regular transfusions, since without treatment her blood endangers her life. After killing a former ally and almost escaping two more, a knocked-unconscious Aster wakes up tied to a smitten lord’s bed.

Lord Draesyl is the last of his line, sworn protectorate of the Northlands, and he is also impressed by the woman who previously stabbed him. So, when that very woman, his kingdom’s long-lost heir, ransacks his manor in pursuit of a ring, he must decide if Aster is trustworthy enough liberate her motherland, despite his desire to court her. Saving her by offering his blood for her transfusions is easy. Convincing Aster to betray her friend for a kingdom she was taught to hate is more difficult. Draesyl, promising to help her ring-search, hopes to sway her to use the political power only she wields to call for inter-realm aid and stop the war.

As time progresses, Draesyl’s support and empathy crack the hard exterior she constructed to protect herself, showing Aster, her greatest strength is her royal blood, and a romance further complicates the already complicated situation. If Aster accepts her place in the Northlands, her friend will die, and her blood, becoming more toxic because of a guilty conscience, may also be her pitfall. To prevent heartbreak and Aster’s demise, Draesyl must risk angering his kingdom by saving the enemy’s daughter if she chooses his love over her friend’s life.

As someone with a chronic disease that requires regular infusions and tons of daily medication, I bring authenticity to Aster’s situation that isn’t properly represented in the current canon. My environmental scientist day job also heavily influences the elemental system in my novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

In Eryndor, magic is not allowed, and disobedience is a one-way ticket to execution. When Saela accidentally kills a royal soldier with her magic to protect her best friend Mia, her life changes forever. The act awakens the Shadow King, an ancient, nightmarish monster cursed to her bloodline. He shields her from harm with his immense power, but every time Saela wields his magic, she loses a piece of herself, inching closer to becoming the monster entirely.

To help her escape execution, Saela is taken to Thornheart, a remote fortress ruled by Dorianth, a brooding professor who secretly trains magic users. Under his protection, Saela learns she is being hunted—not only by the Seven Queens of Eryndor but by creatures that devour magic. The Shadow King offers her strength in exchange for control, tempting her with the power she needs to survive.

Saela’s discovery of a letter hidden among Dorianth’s books changes everything. Written by her long-dead mother, it reveals her mother’s murder wasn’t accidental and ties her death to the Heartstone, an ancient artifact capable of ending Saela’s curse and dismantling the corrupt regime. But the Heartstone is also tied to the Shadow King’s origins, and recovering it may mean unleashing a force even more dangerous than the government she’s trying to survive.

As Saela and Dorianth grow closer, their alliance is tested by romance, betrayal, and the Shadow King’s growing influence over her. Now, Saela must master her volatile magic, uncover the truth of her curse, and claim the Heartstone before the Shadow King consumes her—and with him, the last hope of overthrowing the Seven Queens' tyranny.

ECLIPES OF SHADOWS  is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 85,000 words. It is a standalone novel with series potential. It blends the romantic tension and high-stakes intrigue of Beauty and the Beast with the dark, psychological atmosphere of One Dark Window.

Hey everyone, so I’ve just finished the first draft of this, and before I dive into the edit I would really appreciate any feedback on the overall idea as described through the query. I’ve added a pitch/logline at the end too. (I’m also writing on mobile and can’t figure out how to use italics for formatting!)

Dear [Agent],

[intro & personalisation].

A MONKEY TYPING SHAKESPEARE, complete at 70,000 words, is an upmarket novel that blends the formal playfulness and satire of Jonathan Coe’s The Proof of My Innocence with the hubristic downfall of Andrew O’Hagan’s Caledonian Road.

Commercial author Michael Avery has achieved greater success than most people dream of. Each instalment of his cozy thriller series flies out of international bookstores, providing him with a huge house in Surrey and adoring—even if slightly obsessive—fans. Yet as he traverses middle age Michael is haunted by his late-father’s disdain for his books, so he seeks to substitute his popularity for prestige. Enlisting the help of River Devereux, maverick management consultant, Michael collaborates with a team of editors—who demand anonymity to mitigate the unorthodox project’s reputational risks—and attempts to ingratiate himself with Britain’s literati, who have always scorned him as a lowbrow writer.

To impress them, Michael welcomes into his home Zainab, a Pakistani asylum seeker who went viral after surviving a hotel fire started by far-right terrorists. On his editors’ advice, Michael develops a book centred around Zainab—but when he shares drafts, his editors don’t simply sharpen his writing. They rework it entirely. Which makes Michael wonder: Can he really call himself the book’s author?

An answer arrives when Michael’s publisher discovers an explosive secret: his editors aren’t human. River has been contracted by a new tech company to promote what they claim is a revolutionary large language model. If Michael wins the revered Beacon Prize—or even makes its longlist—they’ll reveal the hoax to demonstrate their software’s linguistic capabilities. Michael confronts River, who—under pressure from the tech company—tries to persuade him to continue with the project. Describing the software as a rapid, digitised form of the proverbial monkey typing Shakespeare for its ability to produce high-quality work in seconds, River promises Michael that if the plan works out he won’t be prestigious—he’ll be historical. Faced with the realisation that his writing will never be worthy of prestige, Michael must decide if he wants to remain dissatisfied with his life’s work or trick the literary world that’s always looked down on him to gain notoriety.

Playing with formal conventions from autofiction, metafiction, climate fiction, and more, A MONKEY TYPING SHAKESPEARE satirises performances of progressive values and the tech industry’s self-aggrandisement. Its social commentary will appeal to readers of humorous, politically conscious fiction.

Pitch: Bestselling commercial author Michael Avery enlists a maverick management consultant to help him plot a path to the prestigious Beacon Prize. But when rumours circulate that the pair are cheating their way to success, Michael must find a way to publish his new novel without tarnishing his reputation irrevocably.

Hi everyone,

This is technically my version 2 - I posted version 1 about a week ago but soon deleted the post, deciding I just wasn't ready. Honestly not sure if I'm ready now but I figured it was better to put myself out there and take the necessary crit!

Dear [xxx],

Elisa Rush did not want her life in Resata to change. She was at the end of her mender training, had a loving boyfriend Briar, and plans to reopen her parent’s apothecary following their disappearance. But the night she turns twenty-three, she discovers her unsettling dream was actually her Coming of Age into the House of Soul and into power she never knew existed as the leader of the six Houses secretly forming Resata's Council. 

But when a treasured book finds her in the library, she learns her Coming of Age is unlike others before her, and there is much more to the Council, the Houses, and Resata than meets the eye. Accepting help from a shadowy man Ansel, is the last thing she wants to do, but he claims to hold the answer to her biggest question: why her?

Caught between a prophecy and lies, light and darkness, duty and desire, Elisa must choose to step into her fate and fight against impending darkness and the Council established to protect her people, or allow Tenebris, a dark creature rising again, take over the home she loves.

HOUSE OF SOUL is a complete, 94,000 word, standalone with series potential, adult fantasy novel. I graduated from [xxx] summa cum laude in 2018 with degrees in Biology and Art, and from medical school from [xxx] in 2022. Below you will find the first 10 pages of my manuscript. I will eagerly send you my complete manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

I'm now on my second attempt at a query letter, aware that there will be many more iterations to come! My first attempt got some really useful feedback and I'm hoping for more of the same from this lovely community. Self-crit-wise, I worry that this attempt is weaker than the first - it maybe strikes a better balance between 'lore' and story but I fear the characterisation and overall query are worse. I've opted against the first 300 words, as my first chapter is constantly in flux at the moment, and avoided comps, as I'm still working on those (any comps that spring to your mind, please let me know!).

---

DEEP SNOW, THICK ICE is a dual-pov 80,000 word adult sci-fi, standalone with series potential.

As a trauma surgeon for the human expedition to the ice planet Thella, Michael expected to be busy, especially as they were piggybacking on a military revenge mission that has yet to arrive -  one which aimed to annihilate the Thellans for their own indiscriminate attacks on Earth. But time acts strangely in a wormhole and, not only have they arrived centuries before Thella has the technology to enact such a feat, but the military craft is yet to appear. With the threat of conflict growing between the two species, Michael keeps his head down, treating both of them and keeping to his oath as a doctor. When waves of Thellans arrive at his surgery with the same unknown illness, he journeys north into the wilderness, searching for a cure in the hope that humanity’s gift of medicine might cool rising tensions.   

Rada watched her best friend die, murdered by Fjorrik, a firebrand Thellan who resents humanity’s presence on his world. An anthropologist, Rada is not suited to espionage but is forced to follow Fjorrik into exile and spy on him, reporting back to her paymasters on his movements and the growing anti-human sentiment which threatens to boil over into war. Against her will, she must understand the shadowy network of rebellion festering in the Outcast Peninsula, keeping her anger and grief in-check to avoid sparking Fjorrik’s uneasy temper, lest it be unleashed at her or wider humanity.

On opposite sides of the planet, the pair are confronted by their role in humanity’s incursion, having their neutrality questioned, and facing the reality that there are no bystanders in colonisation. Separate discoveries could bring reconciliation to the rival species but time is quickly running out for Rada and Michael, and their interventions might prove too late to complete the cycle of violence that brought them to Thella in the first place.

Huge thanks to everyone who provided input for V1. I tried to apply all critical notes to the best of my ability. Now I'm at a point where I'm getting diminishing returns on revision, so I throw it back to you!

First Attempt

******

THE WEIGHT OF FORGETTING is a 66,500-word upmarket literary suspense novel that explores identity, truth, and sacrifice at a pivotal moment in present-day Russian society. In the vein of Anthony Marra’s Mercury Pictures Presents and R.F. Kuang’s Yellowface, it captures the tension between personal ambition and moral responsibility. 

For filmmaker Artem Kozlov, exposing the truth about life beneath Russia’s gilded facade is both a mission and a rebellion. When security forces raid his Saint Petersburg studio, he and his producer Dasha narrowly salvage the footage of their latest documentary. Labeled ‘foreign agents,’ they gamble everything on a high-risk interview with an opposition leader under house arrest. When the state’s pursuit forces them to flee to Georgia, their film becomes more than evidence of corruption — it is a dangerous rallying cry.

In New York, Artem’s estranged brother Nikita has built a life far removed from his roots, burying his Russian identity under the glamour of a rising acting career. But when xenophobia costs him his breakthrough role, a long-awaited letter from Artem forces him to reckon with the heritage he has long denied. As the brothers reconnect, Nikita finds himself drawn into Artem’s fight, offering his industry connections to bring the film to an international audience. But in Tbilisi, outside the Russian embassy, the brothers must confront the price of defiance in the face of power.

At its core, THE WEIGHT OF FORGETTING asks what it means to love a homeland while fighting to change it.

BIO w/ a focus on why I am uniquely positioned to write about all things Russia.

******

Two question I'd like to toss in - how does one gracefully dance between a pitch and synopsis? Many of you mentioned lack of plot points, which I have added. But on other people's queries I've seen comments in the vein of "it needs to be a pitch!".

I'm no agent, but if I was, I'd like to see all the beats without much of the marketing fanfare. That comes later, no?

Does the first 300 only have application on Reddit? Most agencies I'll be querying request first multiples of chapters, so I don't know how much weight I should give to the critique here on the first few words. Is the first 300 just a pubq thing, solely for the curiosity of the members?

Thanks again!

Edit- typos

I made another version of my query. I took some of the criticisms from the fine folks on this subreddit to heart and hopefully made a better, less generic query. I will hear from the beta readers before I go cutting any significant chunks of my 370 page manuscript. Thank you and please: all feedback is appreciated.

This is version 2:

The price of revenge is steep. The price of justice is incalculable. 

Angel can kill people with his mind. From killing presidents to crippling countries, he mixes business with pleasure and walks away from the aftermath with heavy coffers, laughing. But his lucky streak is coming to an end. 

Spencer suffered deep tragedy because of Angel’s cruelty. He became a cop to spare others from painful questions that turn tragedies into obsessions. But when his obsession returns and wrecks his life again, he understands that he has to pursue it before it comes back to finish the job. He also understands that he can’t achieve this mission alone. 

Alastor caught thousands of killers and terrorists and crime lords in his detective career, but the murderous psychic proves to be his white whale. With nothing in common but a shared obsession, Spencer and Alastor join forces not just to outwit their elusive nemesis, but to prove his viewpoint wrong and theirs right. 

In this battle of wits, sharp minds win more swiftly than sharp knives. 

And for comparison this is version 1:

Price we pay for revenge is steep. The price we pay for justice is incalculable. 

Spencer Williams is a young black beat cop working in Boston. He’s honest, personable and hardworking, always striving towards the goal of stopping crime and helping others. But he is also a man burdened with hate for the monster that murdered his family and changed his life. 

Alastor Pendragon is the greatest detective alive, a powerful force of justice who does not fear crossing behind that dotted line that separates the lawful from the just. Alastor is a predator who always catches his prey, but his newest case leads him to an obsessive hunt to find a target that is just as much of a predator as he is.  

The object of their obsession is Angel Tenebrae-a mysterious killer working for whoever has enough money or the thrill of the kill to offer him. With his supernatural abilities and inhuman charm he managed to avoid answering for his crimes for more than a decade. But that may come to an end soon. 

 After a shocking crime brings the three men onto a collision course, they find themselves thrust into a diabolical game of cat and mouse where ideals and loyalties are tested and where the prize for winning might just put the fate of the world into question.

I’m an unagented author who published my debut novel with a medium-size traditional publisher last year. I never got the sense the publisher prioritized the success of my novel, and as a result, it didn’t do that well nor do we necessarily have a great working relationship.

The contract I signed has a standard next work clause along the lines of “Author shall submit next work of same genre to Publisher…” and they have 45 days to decide if they want to acquire it. The thing is, I have gotten no sense from this publisher that they’d want to publish my next work (we haven’t even been in contact in months) nor do I want to publish with them again anyway.

Obviously I don’t want to violate my contract, so how should I go about this? Choices I have rotated between are contacting them and asking if they are even ever interested in exercising this option or just submitting them my next work and hoping they don’t acquire it? I’m hoping to move on from them, query a new book, and get an agent without running the risk of them coming back and making any claims on my work.

Currently editing before handing my story off to a third round of beta readers. I don't expect that I'll be able to begin querying for at least six months, but if I can get the query letter sorted out, I imagine that'll make my life easier down the line.

After the query itself will be some questions and comments, so any reference markers are for those, and can just be glossed over until you get to the end.

------------------------------------------------

Dear [Agent],

I'm seeking representation for AN AQUAMARINE STUD, a 95k^(1) word adult secondary world modern fantasy^(2) with series potential. It should appeal to fans of V.E. Schwab's The Fragile Threads of Power and Bradley P. Beaulieu's The Dragons of Deepwood Fen*^(3)*. Its setting especially should resonate with readers of Fonda Lee's Jade City or players of the Japanese Roleplaying Game Trails Through Daybreak from NISA and Nihon Falcom^(4).

Isabelle Magis is the envy of countless women the world over; she has a loving husband, a pair of lively sons, loyal friends, and is the heir to one of the most prominent political entities in the world. She leads a privileged, carefree life as a philanthropist and socialite, but there is one way she envies many of the women who would love to be her: they, at least, were blessed with a chance to know their mothers.

On a routine visit to a local children's hospital, Isabelle meets Alyssa. The girl she thought to be just another patient kidnaps Isabelle on the orders of her caretakers, the leaders of a mysterious assassin's guild. Her captivity is brief, but Isabelle sees that Alyssa isn't the only child among them, and is horrified to see them used as pawns, robbed of their ability to enjoy their youths the way they should.

At the head of this group is a woman named Mallory, who Alyssa originally introduced as her mother in the hospital. More than just part of the ruse, she seems to truly believe her operation is some form of a family, and herself as legitimate a mother as Isabelle.

It's Isabelle's right hand woman and oldest friend, Katherine, who takes the helm of the investigation into Mallory and her group of abducted children. Herself heiress to a noble family that's served Isabelle's for generations, her entire life has been spent in service. At first glance, her relationship with Isabelle might seem flawless, but decades of servitude to someone who sees her as a sister has led to many things that should've been said being left unsaid in the name of decorum.

When the lives of these four intertwine, a struggle ensues. Not only against good and evil, but conflicting ideas of what it means to be a family.^(5)

Below are the first three hundred or so words from the Prologue that the novel opens with:

Mallory hated the universe and its cruel, sadistic sense of humor. Whatever higher power governed the cosmos, she figured, got some sick satisfaction out of toying with the lives and emotions of the mortals that called Unios their home. There she was, surrounded by death in the catacombs that ran underneath the city of Fort Blanche, and in her arms, centuries after anyone had been entombed in those forsaken halls, she held a dead man. A dead boy, really. She was only fifteen, and Darrell couldn’t have been much older than her. Their handful of peers, also trudging through the catacombs, were a few years older or younger than them. She had lent a shoulder to a wounded Darrell, lagging behind them due to his weight, and collapsed when his breathing ceased and the light left his eyes. As she wept, they ignored her.

The group had been sent to deliver justice to a corrupt member of the Nyrellan Church’s leadership in the city. Though they succeeded, the man was more heavily guarded than their intelligence had led them to believe. They had been able to escape, but not unscathed.

It wasn’t the first time someone Mallory had considered a friend died on one of their missions. It wasn’t even the first time she’d been there to see their untimely demise herself. Darrell, though, was different. She wasn’t sure what they were to each other. There were no delusions of them having been a couple, but she had been incredibly fond of him. She liked to believe that he was fond of her, too. Mallory, in that moment, when it was too late to matter, was sure that she loved him. Whether it was strictly platonic, familial, or romantic, she didn’t know, nor did she care.

------------------------------------------------

Writing has been a passion for most of my life, and I've been doing it almost as long as I've played video games. While I enjoy the stories they both have to tell and the worlds people can get lost in, I noticed an apparent lack of novels that weren't set in vaguely medieval worlds, or set on Earth. In university I studied Game Design and Creative Writing to pursue a career creating the types of stories in games that I enjoy, and wrote this story to do much the same, writing the type of story I wanted to read in a world I'd like to see more of.^(6)

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and consider my novel.

Sincerely,

[Name]

------------------------------------------------

As for those questions and comments:

1. Word count of the current draft. Subject to change, of course.
2. Did I go a bit too hard on the genre? I worry that just saying "Urban Fantasy" or even "Modern Fantasy" without specifying "This isn't on Earth" could lead to some just assuming that it is. I think it's impossible to confuse here, but it might be a bit of a mouthful to address a potential nonissue.
3. I have not yet read these. The wait I'll have to do will give me time to read those and at least three other potential comps I've shortlisted to see which ones are best fits. These are just some of what I thought could work after browsing recent fantasy released on Goodreads that were either standalones or first in a series. The recent releases I saw, if they weren't Book #3 or something, were some combination of: romantic focus, mythological retelling, not set in a modern setting, set somewhere in America, and characters who aren't parents. Of the books on my potential comp shortlist, they just seemed best to mention here, because others would lean in a bit too much into why I have my two for Footnote 4.
4. Jade City is 7 years old and part of a series; Trails Through Daybreak is a video game and part of a series (Though, unlike Jade City, comfortably within 5 years both for original release and localization). They're both nontraditional comps, in that regard, but as far as "If you want an idea of what my story is like as far as setting, themes, or something else," those two are the most accurate things I could put there, being rare examples of secondary world modern fantasy, with the wider Trails series inspiring a number of aspects of the setting.
5. Applies to the entire blurb. I'm not sure if I'm able to put it in the post body itself, but I have the original version of it. Never shared it on Reddit or anything. I believe what I have here is better, but if people are curious, I can always share it in the comments so they can compare the two and let me know if they think there were any elements of it that this version of the blurb could benefit from. Still inexperienced in writing query blurbs, but I tried to have this one focus more on one central character and how a few other major characters relate to her and the overall conflict, but I'm not sure if I did the best job. I've read that the blurb should focus on act 1 to avoid from being too unwieldy, and everything I mentioned is ripped from the first three or so chapters.
6. Frankly, I'm not sure what to put for a bio. And I'm not sure if I did something I shouldn't by using it to say "I don't see this, so I wrote it." Are they just things that agents like to see? Or more or less required so they can have an idea of who a potential future business partner is?

Thank you all a ton for any feedback. This is the first time I've written a query, and this is the result after asking people more professional than I to edit it.

Dear [Agent's name],

 I am writing to seek representation for my 88,000-word speculative thriller novel, I AM HERESY.

I AM HERESY is an action-packed novel in a noir-like setting where no one is truly the hero. Like Philip K. Dick’s, WE CAN REMEMBER IT FOR YOU, it concerns the ambiguous nature of reality and memories, and it employs the same dark atmosphere as Dean Koontz’s FALSE MEMORY. It is also a novel about living with serious mental illness. I AM HERESY is the first book in a series containing three novels, all of which have been outlined.

Darren, who lives a boring and unfulfilling life as an insurance adjuster, has started questioning a core memory from his childhood. The memory is a suicide attempt, but something about the memory feels strange and its details do not seem accurate. Darren also has a serious mental illness (major depression) and has recently started seeing hallucinatory messages. He questions his sanity, the veracity of his memories, and whether he will have to be institutionalized again.

Lissa, Darren’s girlfriend, meets Powell, a man who can distort Lissa’s memories and make her believe she is in love with him. Lissa leaves Darren, but Darren accidentally discovers he can relive her memories of the tryst between her and Powell.

This sets off a chain of events that catapults Darren into a world where he discovers that he is not alone: there are others who question a core memory of their lives that is false.

Lucy is a major player among the people who remember their real memories. She tries to enlist Darren to help her remember a memory that has been sealed away from her and that could free everyone from the shackles of their false memories.

Meanwhile, Lissa is being controlled by Powell, a rich and enigmatic man.  When Powell is sent to kill Lucy and tries to convince Lissa to help, Lissa questions the idyllic nature of her life with him. She must find out the truth before she becomes a murderer.

I have a BS in psychology and have been writing short stories and novels for 30 years. My hope with this manuscript is to explore the intersection of existential philosophy and cognitive psychology. I write Darren’s mental illness from a place of knowledge, as I am also diagnosed with a SMI.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

First 300 Words:

“Hey . . . he’s waking up again.”

The older man looked sharply at the monitor. “Shit . . . this must be a new record. . ..”

“Should I let the shift supervisor know?”

“No . . . put him back to into deep sleep. She has bigger things on her hands right now. Note it in the log. If he wakes up again, sooner than a day from now, we will flag it as a priority.

The younger man tapped his keyboard quickly. One of the keys was off, the sound of a dull click among all the other sharp clicks. “All right, initiating sequence. . ..”

* * *

Darren was sitting on the edge of the bed again for the millionth odd time. He returned to this room over and over, overwhelming stress or crushing depression pushing him here. Darren knew the shape and contents of the room by heart. He should have died in this room long ago.

It wasn’t a big room. It was decently sized, located in a decently sized townhouse, in a decently sized suburb. Nothing was special about it, other than the fact that it had been his mother’s room. The room she had died in, instead of him. Darren had been seventeen when she passed away. Heart attack. If he had been home, he might have been able to avert the disaster that followed.

She had set her queen-sized bed against the far wall in the middle of the room, facing toward the doorway. He had slept many a night in that bed as a child, often refusing to sleep in his own bed. The night would envelop him, inflicting nightmares that no child should endure. The worst were when he would wake up still seeing them, screaming at the top of his lungs until his mother could truly shake him awake. Her bed—her presence—made the nightmares go away. They finally stopped for good when he was eight.

Hi I have a question. I am starting to query agents right now, and I had just discovered agents usually require manuscripts to be written in a .odt file in standard manuscrpt format (per Shunn). I have a problem: my novel starts off normal. Then towards the end it takes on weirder forms (as the universe unravels), and it has some scientific-paper-esque illustrations.

I have written 80,000 words in LaTeX spread across some 65 files. And a lot of the form weirdness leverages LaTeX's ability to well, do what I mean. The illustrations are done in TikZ. They are only rendered well on lualatex 's PDF generation. I can use something like pandoc to convert it into .odt, but that makes the form go away. And the form is kind of important to how the story is conveyed. Copy pasting into an inferior word processor like Google Docs is a pain in the arse, and I honestly don't currently have the skills to format in WYSIWG editors.

Does anyone have experience with weirder forms and struggle with fitting into the standard manuscript format? How did you overcome it?

Granted, I'm not even sure if there would be agents that would be interested in my work, but I like planning ahead, so that if they ask I would have just the file ready to go.

Thank you, everyone, for your feedback on the last query! There was a lot of confusion surrounding the main character and the overall premise, and I've attempted to focus on a single POV for this next attempt. Thank you for your time and querying knowledge.

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BREATHE is a 100,000-word standalone sci-fi thriller centered on cosmic horror and one family’s struggle with loss. It will appeal to fans of suspense-filled, creature-focused horror epitomized by David Wellington in ‘Paradise-1’ and Mira Grant in ‘Into the Drowning Deep.’

All Luca O’Byrne wanted was a better life for his family, off-world. Instead, after their colony failed, his youngest daughter drowned in a cryo pod malfunction on their journey home. Now, back on a dying Earth, he’s vowed never to enter cryostasis again. His wife, Erin, can barely look at him, and his only surviving daughter, Shay, is crumbling in the face of her sister’s death.

Then, the Inardesco Corporation came to his door, offering a miracle.

The O’Byrne’s off-world writ of colonization had been approved, offering the crumbling family one chance to escape their homeworld. Instead of facing the trauma of cryostasis, Luca can bring his family aboard the I.S.S Atlas and complete the entire voyage in three months.

All he has to do is agree to travel through the Cordis Pass, a rift between stars where no light enters or leaves, and space travel has been experimentally accelerated safely for years. While the opportunity is normally reserved for Inardesco Elite, a special exception has been made. Luca accepts, desperate for one final chance to rebuild his family despite their loss.

But as the voyage commences, Luca realizes the true price of their miracle.

Every family aboard the Atlas has experienced some tragedy in their lives, resulting in the death of a child. Each has surviving children under twelve, marked as ‘lost in transit.’

Inardesco has come for their children. In the darkness of the Pass, one by one, children are murdered in the same manner as their sibling's tragic deaths. With each death, their parents seemingly forget that the child ever existed. With each death, Inardesco calls to a creature that lives in the void between stars.

Only Shay remembers the kids, and only Luca believes her. When Inardesco and this cosmic entity come for her, Luca is the only thing standing in their way. If she is sacrificed, the Atlas will emerge unscathed; if she survives, the creature will come for them all.

Luca has already failed one daughter; the Atlas will burn before he fails another.

Thank you for your time and consideration**.**