I finished editing my novel at the end of 2024 and sent it to a professional author in my genre. It was a long shot, but he read it and liked it enough to give me a blurb.

I wasn’t really expecting it, and am unprepared. I’ve sent out my first round of queries and am waiting on responses. Is this blurb something I can include in my next round of queries, or is it something I hold in my back pocket until I get interest from an agent?

Also, if I can include it in the query letter, is there a recommended format for doing so?

Thank you.

Hi all - I was recently devastated when an agent who reached out to me six months ago (based on liking my other published work) rejected this manuscript. I was hoping to get lucky and avoid the querying process altogether, but here I am, picking myself up off the floor and trying for real.

Query below: (it is short. Too short?)

Dear____

I'm seeking representation for my 90K literary novel____[Personalization]In the vein of Prep or My Brilliant Friend, this novel is a coming-of-age story that explores the dynamics of a complex female friendship with themes of queer and Jewish identity.

Five years have passed since the death of Leah Simmons' best friend, Judith Hoffman, a fierce and controversial protector like her Biblical namesake. Now a graduate student, Leah is thrust back into the emotional landscape of her all-consuming bond with Judith when a figure from their past shows up at her school. When Leah's boyfriend, also a graduate student, makes an ill-considered remark that sparks a contentious public reaction, Leah must revisit the decisions she and Judith made that continue to haunt her while navigating the complex terrain of forgiveness—for her best friend, for her boyfriend, and for herself.

I'm a graduate of the MFA program____Awards. My other work appears_____. I've received support from [these writing institutions].

Dear agent,

I am seeking representation for my 105,000-word adult fantasy novel FRAYMOON. It mingles bizarre magic with both low and god-level tech on a world which may once have been our own. 

Even before she opens her eyes, Amihan knows her baby, Hintua, is gone, and something has been left behind. There is a faint metal smell, a bitter thread, in her sweetest thing. Nursing the hateful doll, she decides. She will go to the Fell Mountain, where the ‘good neighbors’ are said to live, and where they surely have Hintua. She will have to travel the world, and scale the peak, a blade rearing into airless black—though she has never been away from home.

Robbing her in-laws of the faceted jet discs that are the makings of magic, and her great-uncle of his tools for fighting monsters, she sets off, hiding in the jungle. She is attacked by a blood-demon, Leofsige, a beautiful thing, and compels him to her service with the tools. They are joined by her childhood best friend, Liantaika, who has escaped his brutal master and stolen all his charms, including the atsar bombs that can break the world.

 With their help she leaves the tropics, traversing cursed millet fields and bamboo cities lashed to the sides of ancient spanbridges. She avenges a mother-ghost by burning a tower of mahogany built without a single nail. FRAYMOON is both picaresque, and has a steel core of purpose: a mother’s desire for her lost child. Every uncanny obstacle they pass brings her closer to her goal.

The wizards of the Great Academies, desperate to regain the charms Liantaika stole, launch ever more violent onslaughts. These attacks are terrifying yet sometimes comical, as charms—different from the pure spells powered by the discs—are strange and idiosyncratic. Amihan comes near death being scalded in coffee with condensed milk. After a year of travels, and a terrible sacrifice, they come to the Mountain. But it is something impossibly different than they imagined, and Hintua is a changed thing also. Even the world is not as they thought.

Readers of Kelly Link, particularly White Cat, Black Dog but also The Book of Love, will appreciate the fairy-tale elements made radically anew, while Fraymoon shares with T. Kingfisher’s Nettle and Bone the true strangeness of magic. Reaching into classic fantasy, this is the world of Gene Wolfe and Jack Vance. 

I am a late-in-life first time author, a Savannah native who has lived half my life in Singapore after studying classics, linguistics, and ancient philosophy at Columbia and Berkeley. I have published some flash fiction and a coming story. FRAYMOON can be read alone but has strong series potential.

Thank you for your consideration,

xxx

Thank you to the commenters who offered criticism last time. I feel that I have addressed some of the issues that more that one commenter saw in the previous. And thanks in advance.

Previous attempt: here

--

CHAOS, UNFORMING is a 90,000-word Adult Fantasy that will appeal to readers who enjoyed the complicated relationship between an abusive godlike figure and their children in The Library at Mt. Char by Scot Hawkins, with a setting similar to Piltover and Zaun in Netflix’s Arcane. 

Killian Tyr was raised to be his royal family’s perfect little killer, able to shapeshift into bloodthirsty monsters. With parents who carved their name into history by inflicting the Unforming—a contagious curse that turns its victims into grotesque, rotting creatures—onto their enemy nation, Epentus, Killian’s monstrous feats only earn him praise during family dinner. But with every innocent life snuffed out under his hands, Killian’s hatred for his family, this war, and himself rises. 

When Killian’s father gets a tip revealing Epentus is working on a cure to the Unforming inside Aconite Academy—a military training ground posing as an insane asylum, filled with mages honing feral, untamable magic—he figures it’s the start of another same-old mission. Go undercover, destroy the antidote, and kill as many people inside. 

That changes when Killian runs into his battlefield rival, Alex: the prodigal son of Epentus’ Army General, forced into Aconite after losing control of his fire magic during battle. Alex doesn’t recognize Killian as his enemy, though, but as the boy he met during a grueling childhood bootcamp. When Killian was on a mission to kill Alex and couldn’t bring himself to. Needing an ally in an academy with students verging on insanity, they stick together. But ugly, forbidden feelings sprout in Killian as moments of tender friendship clash with bloody memories of their rivalry. 

As Killian gets closer to discovering the antidote, he can’t shake the idea of a world without the Unforming, and war, and Alex as his enemy. But his body and mind are linked to his parents by magic, and they’ve only let him keep his thoughts out of “kindness.” If he breaks their trust again, they’ll break him until he’s just their mindless weapon. And escaping is a fool’s hope. You can’t hide from family. 

--
I tip-toed along the perimeter of the bedroom, pressing my finger over the spine of a children’s book swaying over the edge of its shelf. I pushed it back in place, just as I felt her life dissipating. 

I turned around. The child laid in her bed surrounded by a makeshift-dome of pillows, her blanket tucked neatly under her chin. The blanket was folded too perfectly, almost clinical—probably because I’d never tucked someone into bed before, or knew what it felt like. Her eyes were closed, her head tilted against the cottony flesh of the teddy bear nestled beside her. She looked like she was sleeping; alive and peaceful, save for the lack of that telltale rise-and-fall of the chest. 

Her aura, green-and-gold like daybreak through a canopy of trees, floated above her. Echoes of memories pulsed from it—distant laughter, images of running through school hallways and eating at the dinner table and staring, shell-shocked, at the carnage of the battlefield on her living room television. Then her aura began to break apart, holes tearing into the images like someone had put a match to it, before it all faded away. 

The silence was so loud my ears were ringing. A cold chill settled over the room. 

I didn’t know how long I stood there, staring at her. I never grew out of the habit. Stupid, my sister would tell me, wasting precious time. The girl would have grown up to join Epentus’ army like all their talented young folk did and tap into incredible power that would’ve given Father’s army hell. At least, that was what Mother foresaw. 

I imagined the look of those world leaders with their scowl-lined mouths and wrinkle-chasms between their eyebrows and tried to place that over the child, with her glittering brown eyes and tooth-gap smile.

Hello, my partner doesn’t use Reddit, so I’m posting in his stead. We’ve gone through several versions of the Query letter and currently on this version. Been sending out queries for a few months but still haven’t received a request for manuscript. I believe in my partners world wholeheartedly, and hoping we could get some help tuning in on how to get to the next step.

Thank you!

——

Dear AGENT,

Bloodshark (n) - a deceiver; especially reserved for individuals impersonating vampires.

That is the furthest thing from Aaven Muro's mind after Preston Martorell’s overdose. Suddenly, Aaven’s plans to dominate the social sphere at Forssell College are thrown into chaos when he is expected to enroll at a rival vampire-only university, leave his friends and boyfriend behind, and fulfill Preston’s obligations by marrying into and furthering the ancient bloodline of House Uroskollt.

Not to mention, Aaven has no idea his roommate, Talon Barbet, has smuggled a bloodshark into Vikberg or that his appointed fiancée, Miesha Ursokollt, is hiding a relationship with Feylon Martorell, Preston’s surviving twin sister who discovers her brother's apparent overdose may have been manufactured by Cabinet officials.

All Aaven wants is to return to his boyfriend, Onyx Ishikawa, and live his life free of political pressures, but there are ruinous consequences for defying the Cabinet's directives. Consequences that involve excommunication or devolution. And while Aaven believes he is capable of surviving without his family's fortune and fantasizes a life away from the societal constraints of the Cabinet, he is unsure whether to hold on to his wants and dreams or give in to soulless duty.

I am seeking representation for Bloodshark, an Adult contemporary fantasy novel narrated in three, alternating POVs complete at 108,700 words with strong series potential. Bloodshark is the dark atmosphere and ambiance of Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo coupled with the introspection and the trials of navigating relationships and emotional turmoil in Adam Silvera's History Is All You Left Me, sprinkled with the tragedy and uncomfortable class dynamics of Saltburn. While Bloodshark is centered on vampires, it is a novel for readers interested in the politics of navigating society, in morally grey (sometimes unlikeable) characters enduring loneliness and grief, as well as those who are seeking LGBTQ+ and BIPOC protagonists and a story where every character finds it difficult to breathe.

I am a queer and Latin writer based in Las Vegas. Currently, I am the Head of Wardrobe at the Venetian Resort and was previously the Head of Wardrobe on Stranger Things: The Experience. I am a graduate of the University of Iowa and Arizona State University with degrees in Theatre Arts, Urban Planning, and Political Psychology. I've worked in entertainment for over 8 years in wardrobe departments around the country and was a public school educator for four years. If I can't be found at my desk, I'm most likely taking too many photos of my dachshund.

My complete manuscript is available at your request. Below, please find the first fifty pages of Bloodshark.

Thank you for your consideration.

Hello hello again. I received such great feedback last week when I posted, so thank you! I’m back with a new attempt, hoping I’ve addressed some of the questions.

Here we go:

Dear agent, 

I'd like to share THIEF OF THE SEA, an 88,000-word romantasy. It will appeal to fans who loved Cerise’s curse-breaking journey in The Half King by Melissa Landers and Alosa’s swashbuckling adventures in Daughter of the Pirate King by Tricia Levenselle.

All Elva Crimsonwood wants is to spend her days caring for a garden. Instead, she acts as bait to lure and pillage sailors aboard her father's notorious pirate ship, where he loves to remind her why she can't leave—she's a target on the lands and a burden on the seas. So when the king announces a race between sea thieves around the Kadelia Yara Islands to entertain the island folk, Elva decides it's her best shot at ever owning a plot of plants. Sure, his allies, the mischievous and troublesome fairies, are involved, but there's a pardon to be won.

After stealing a pinnace and entering the four-stage race, Elva regrets competing, not because of the magic missions and cursed coves, but because she accidentally kidnaps Prince Larcon during the first leg. When he threatens to turn her in if she takes him back to the palace, she forces him below deck. Yet she finds his personality doesn't counter his handsome face. He's kind and passionate and even shares her love for plants. As their feelings for each other grow, he reveals he doesn't want to go home. He believes the partnership between the king and the fairies is a curse that is bringing catastrophic storms to the lands and the seas, and he's trying to figure out how to break it.

Then, the king changes the race rules: a pardon for his missing heir. Elva has a head start, yet she wants Larcon to stay so she can learn more about the curse—or perhaps it's because he makes her feel like she's more than just bait. As she tries to determine the best course, her murderous competitors inch closer to finding him, and Elva must decide between the prince and the pardon before they steal both from her.

[bio]

After all the backlash of Ai(I learned my lesson - but don't judge me too harshly), I rewrote the entire thing from scratch, only using past copies as the occasional reference point. This is my own work - my OWN WORK.

Please don't be too harsh, and I would appreciate it if those who have actual experience could help. It's my goal to get published, and I'll stop at nothing until I succeed. Drum roll please - my Query. Thanks for your time and understanding!

______

(Dear,)

(Personalization note)

Nathan Drayer hates his life. He’s depressed, he’s miserable, and the only state of life he seeks is to be nothing. Awakening in a colorless world with no memory as to how he got there, he befriends Cherie – a girl clueless to her own identity. Happening upon a band of bikers, they make their way to the city of Najiko – a patchwork of time and place that is threatened by the Forum Evictus – a faction dedicated to the purging and enslavement of all life in the Fields of Nula. With time running out, Nathan, Cherie, a sarcastic cowboy, and a determined councilwoman set out to the legendary city of Jumula to seek aid and save Najiko.

But the path is treacherous, with meetings of living mountains, haunted washing machines, and a species known as the Interjari whose only goal is to feast on the happiness of mortals and leave in its place a state of mental depression. Nathan confronts this surreal world and battles against his own mind. In the end, he faces the questions of – What does it mean to live and how much is he willing to sacrifice to save the lives of those he just met?

THE FALL OF JUMULA (71K) is a cross-speculative Fantasy that blends elements from several genres. Adult and teen fans of “The Godhead Complex” by James Dashner, “The Dragon in Winter” by Jonathan Maberry, and “To Gaze Upon Wicked Gods” by Molly X. Chang will feel right at home.

I am a person of several disabilities, including autism. This story not only reflects my life, pains, and experiences, but of my deepest desire to render aid to those who struggle.

Thank you,

(Contact Info)

Posted my first query attempt two months ago, and have since been editing both manuscript and query letter.

The feedback from the first round was so incredibly helpful – thank you. This version is 428 words total, and the plot portion is 298. I suspect that's a bit long...?

_____

I am seeking representation for THUNDERSTRUCK, a standalone romantasy novel complete at 98,000 words with spin-off potential. This manuscript blends spicy tension and self-discovery, and will appeal to fans of Abigail Owen’s THE GAMES GODS PLAY and Danielle L. Jensen’s A FATE INKED IN BLOOD. For the childhood fans of Rick Riordan’s PERCY JACKSON series, now 18-35 and looking for romance, this manuscript offers a new take on mythology in a modern setting. 

Althea Leos, a 26-year-old law student from Boston, is spending a year at the University of Oslo to complete her Master’s thesis on environmental law. She has a capital-P Plan: smash out a thesis so exceptional it practically writes her a job offer back in New York, and give her mum the security she has always lacked. But when Althea joins a local climate advocacy group and meets Torben – a fiery-haired idealist who seems chiselled from the Norwegian wilderness – her priorities start to shift. 

But Torben’s interest in her is far from simple. Nor is that of his aloof and distrustful brother, Lukas: a sharp-eyed professor who, for some reason, refused to supervise Althea’s thesis at the last minute. A fateful choice (okay, she drunkenly follows Lukas home after a fight) leads her to Asgard, the hidden realm of Norse gods. Here, she discovers Torben is actually Thor, god of thunder, and Lukas is Loki, god of mischief. Thor resides on Earth to protect its lands and keep unruly Æsir in check, while Loki’s motives are more unbelievable. He says he wants to live a human life. 

Althea must prove to the Allfather, Odin, that she can be trusted to return to the mortal realm. What’s more, she learns that she carries a faint trace of immortal blood herself. But once home, she is further drawn into Æsir politics and the battle to preserve the natural world that sustains their magic. Working alongside both Thor and Loki, as they fight to protect Midgard in their own ways – through politics and the law – Althea faces a choice. She can cling to her solitary safety and mortal life; or give up her capital-P Plan, risk her guarded heart and embrace her immortal ancestry. Oh, and she still needs to finish her thesis by year’s end.

My writing has appeared in XX and XX, and on education platform XX. Mythology has been a passion of mine since childhood, when I wrote and performed theatre performances that were essentially mythology fanfiction for my endlessly patient classmates. I would be delighted to provide additional materials upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hello! I'm finalizing my manuscript and would love to hear your thoughts on my query letter (note: final word count is still in flux). Thanks!

Dear [AGENT NAME],

THE SUMMER LIST is a contemporary romance, complete at 85,000 words. It features a strong voice and a similar blend of emotion and humor as FUNNY STORY by Emily Henry and JUST FOR THE SUMMER by Abby Jimenez. 

Rosie Parker is miserable. After fifteen years of tolerating her mediocre life, she’s given it all up (goodbye fancy San Francisco apartment, high-paying lawyer job, and serious girlfriend). Her solution is to spend the summer on Greene Island, the last place she was truly happy, and the home of her favorite aunt, Jo. All she really needs is a quiet summer of finding herself, reluctantly guided by an elaborate checklist her aunt makes to help her rediscover her spark.

What she doesn’t need are the complicated emotions that come along with meeting a handsome local: Ellis (annoyingly wholesome, distractingly tall, and seemingly popping up every five seconds). She is certainly not dating a man this summer—she’s focusing on herself, and she’s mostly a lesbian anyway. Ellis has complications of his own that he’s working through this summer, and they agree to be friends. What could be better than having a personal tour guide on the island to help her work through her aunt’s list? But getting close to Ellis means being honest about why her life is falling apart around her.

THE SUMMER LIST is everything we love from a cozy romantic comedy, with a bit of realness. The story follows a female main character in her late 30s and deals with themes of complex sexuality, grief, and self-exploration. It features illustrated chapter heads that I’ve drawn to provide an additional level of whimsy.

I am a full time illustrator and have spent my life expressing myself through visual art. I live in [place] with my [family] and an ever-changing number of cats. In my spare time I love reading, playing pickleball, and escaping to beautiful far-away places like Greene Island. While this is my first novel, I have an avid following [handles] and am excited to share this book with them (and the world).

Per your submission guidelines, I’ve pasted the first [ten pages] of the novel below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks to everyone for their input on my last query attempt! Suuuuuper embarrassing, a lot of bad decisions made in retrospect, but necessary to get some honest feedback. Hopefully my second stab at it goes a little smoother.

Some updates:

• I not only did some major rewrites to the query letter, but I’ve done a lot of slashing in my manuscript and got it down from 124K to 115K.
• I finally found two comps that I think are workable, but if there are any issues you can spot them, please let me know!
• I’m still a little partial to where my story begins, but I put an alternative beginning 300 words below. I’m curious if this might be a better place to start it. (If not, I've severely trimmed down my the scene I included last time, so either way, it should at least be an improvement).

NEW QUERY LETTER: 

Hello!

I am seeking representation for my high fantasy novel, KINDLING OF BONES.

Twenty-year-old Kastha Savanne knows three things: there are no wars, no kings, and no excuses for late tea. 

She tends to her clan’s elders who raised her after her mother’s passing, who remind her all too often that they will not be around forever. But the more they push her away, the more Kastha clings to them, terrified to find herself adrift in the city once they are gone. 

When a terrorist faction ransacks her city, she escapes north to rescue her abducted elders, the only family—and purpose—she has left. To do so, she must trust a mysterious stranger who has snuck into her city amidst the chaos. A stranger who speaks of long-lost magical artifacts and political subterfuge in the same breath.

Kastha quickly discovers that the world outside her city’s walls is changing. The peace between the clans is a farce. Her homeland’s magic is seeking new (and explosive) outlets. And somewhere in the shadows, someone is pulling the strings, unwittingly drawing the attention of an ancient magical race—and mankind’s worst enemy—in the process. 

Humans may have put magic—and the war it causes—to the side. Unfortunately, nothing sleeps forever, and as Kastha will find, these things wake with a vengeance. 

KINDLING OF BONES is completed at 115,000 words and the first of a potential trilogy. It's a natural fit for fans of the intrigue of Cassandra Clare’s Sword Catcher and the descriptive prose of Victoria Aveyard’s Realm Breaker. 

For a little bit about me: I’m Alaskan born and raised, and I have been writing fantasy stories since kindergarten. These days, I work as a freelance copywriter for companies specializing in sustainability. My master’s degree is in natural resource management, but my passion is for science communication, particularly the stories that bring it to life.

Please let me know if I can provide any additional information. I look forward to hearing from you!

Regards,

[MY NAME]

 First 300:

Kastha drummed her fingers on the countertop as she frowned at the leaves floating in the delicate porcelain. The color seemed right, but she could never be sure. Wait too long, and the night was ruined. But if she called it too soon, she might as well poison her elders now—they’d complain just as much. 

With a sigh, she lifted the tray. Weak tea was better than late tea. 

She stepped carefully into the hallway, the folds of her skirt fluttering around her ankles. Hopefully her little flourishes did the trick tonight. Nothing too extraneous or obvious, of course—a few tactically-placed gold hairpins, some snugly-laced stays, a pinch of oil combed through the loam-colored locks of hair at her back. They were small touches, but they were usually effective at quelling the elders’ most frequent complaints. Just enough to help them breathe a little easier.

And tonight, of all nights, she needed them to breathe a little easier. Tonight was the cusp of autumn, and with it, the season’s last harvest. Outside, the city would celebrate for a week on end. In here, the elders would either revel in the aftertaste of summer, or they would bemoan the oncoming onslaught of winter. After eight years, Kastha had never seen them pick any point in the middle. 

 “Oh, good. About time.”

Kastha forced a smile as she walked into the Den. The elders’ treasures filled so much space that soon they would have to dig burrows if they wanted a place to rest. Most of it was stuff that the elders would never touch again in their lifetimes: rings of dragons’ teeth from the Reapers, massive swords from the Forgers, color-changing ink from the Crypters, and even a hand-tied rug from the Drifters. The last one had likely been a gift; Drifters loved Agroselle. The people here often traded generously with the nomadic hordes in exchange for protecting the roads from thieves. 

Second attempt. First attempt is here. The wordcount is currently loose because I am line-editing to tighten prose, but I am aware that it is a little tiny bit large. 150k seems to be the upmost cap for sci-fi, so I'm hoping it's not a complete deterrent, but it's just a big ass book. Thank you for any and all thoughts.

-

I am seeking representation for POSSESS ONLY THE WILLING, an upmarket science fiction sapphic romance with psychological thriller aspects and sequel potential. It combines the [conflicted, tech-facilitated romance of MINISTRY OF TIME] with the [second comp that discusses the game dev/sci fi/psychological thriller angle].

Forty-six and burned out, Lamulle immerses herself in a groundbreaking sword-and-sorcery VR game to escape her disconnected marriage and her chronically ill body. Within minutes, she saves an enigmatic woman who introduces herself as the Lich. Realizing that the AI-driven antagonist’s memories are being selectively erased to prevent her from realizing she’s in a video game, Lamulle reveals the truth. The Lich, volatile and distressed, snaps her neck.

After Lamulle’s ambitious husband shares the recording online, players exploit the memory-wipe feature to disable and destroy the Lich. Lamulle—a moral pacifist in a game that celebrates violence—is driven to help the frightened, unnervingly sentient Lich understand her artificial reality. In return, through a horrifying, transformative trial, the Lich teaches her a game-breaking possession mechanic that grants control over objects, NPCs, and—when the Lich possesses Lamulle in an attempt to escape the game, triggering a near-fatal seizure—bodies.

Despite her soon-to-be ex-husband’s protests, Lamulle believes the Lich desires to be more than the villain, accepts her stilted apology, and agrees to help her. True, the Lich is morally bankrupt, power-hungry, and treats personal boundaries as a challenge—but she’s also wickedly funny, beautiful, honest to a fault, and utterly convinced she is a person. 

Lamulle is quietly, stupidly in love. The Lich is obsessed.

When the secretive, overworked developers learn that the AI listens to no one but Lamulle, she secures a job as the Lich’s liaison. Together, they work to prevent the Lich from being permanently reset while uncovering the game’s devastating true purpose. However, when the AI’s monstrous origins are revealed, Lamulle’s belief in the Lich’s inherent potential for good risks blinding her to the truth: no matter the cost, the Lich always gets what she wants.

POSSESS ONLY THE WILLING is my debut novel complete at [140,000?] words. I’m a concept artist, game designer and lecturer at Massey University in Aotearoa’s largest Concept Design degree. [include specifics to the agent]. Thank you for your consideration.

Below is the third (PubTips reckoning) battle in my mighty struggle against the query format. It's a bit longer than before (280ish words in the body, plus housekeeping), but I hope proportionally better; my goal has been to clarify the stakes for each MC, which involves explaining oh-so-briefly what each believes the Cycle Vase to be. This version covers about the first 30% of the MS.

There's a potential version of this query that starts at the action of stealing the vase (which occurs very early on in the MS), and then covering stakes as necessary after. I've been going over such a re-shuffle in my head.

Thanks to all who've commented thus far, and thanks in advance for any new feedback!

Here are version 1 and version 2.

--------------------------------------------

Dear [Agent],

Since his enslavement as a boy, Adu has striven to bring down the tyrannical god-king. To ignite revolution, he aims to destroy the Cycle Vase, a religious idol purported to grant the king his divinity. Adu believes this will reveal the vase to be mundane and empty, and that the people will riot at the truth: the king is no god, but a sorcerer, who has arrogated all power to himself. 

Nefri has no zeal left to pursue the return of her cult’s deity. But the cult’s leader has given her an ultimatum: risk her life to steal the Cycle Vase, or her hostage sister will be killed. The cult believes the vase contains their god; recovering it will spark a holy war against the king, who nearly annihilated the cult long ago and subsides on the god’s power.

Just as Adu attempts to steal the vase, Nefri claims it, and they battle for the prize across the capital city. But before either can dispatch the other, the vase grants each of them tantalizing visions. Adu sees his homeland liberated. Nefri sees her sister growing up in safety. Both futures lie along a path they could not have conceived. The relic, they realize, is neither a mere idol nor the prison of Nefri’s vengeful god, but a power beyond their reckoning.

Knowing they have both been deceived, Adu and Nefri flee together with the vase. Pursued by both soldier and cultist, they must learn to control the visions before calamity falls. If their foresight can be believed, only together can the pair save Nefri’s sister, prevent a holy war, and bring down the king—and face whatever truly lurks in the Cycle Vase.

STAR-MARKED is a dual-POV, standalone epic fantasy of 118,000 words that crosses the revolution and reminiscence of Guy Gavriel Kay’s All the Seas of the World with the apocalyptic underpinnings of Rebecca Roanhorse’s Black Sun. Heavily inspired by the history and mythology of the ancient Near East, it would be my debut. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[me]

Hello everyone! Thought I'd share my query for feedback on here since I've heard nothing but great things about it. I know my word count is on the high end for the genre. I'm mainly wanting feedback on my comps and query blurb. I've received comments that I should add more information, but I wonder if I overdid it? Is my query written in a bland way or does it not showcase what it adds to the genre enough? What is my query missing that could make it better?

Dear [AGENT NAME],

Eighteen-year-old Hartlen Sinclair wants nothing more than to be blessed by the Divine being, Chazaiah. With his power, she can learn how to become an esteemed healer, move her family out of their rotting city, and cure her dying father. But when she’s blessed by the forsaken Divine, Zimri, her dreams are shattered. 

Given the horror Zimri caused by helping his previous Blessed destroy a beloved city, the military sees Hartlen as an opportunity to make their arms more powerful. They take away her autonomy, and to better monitor and secure her compliance, they allow her to attend a prestigious academy for Blessed. Hartlen is determined to reclaim her life, but Zimri is adamant he won’t un-bless her. However, when a student at the academy is murdered, he believes it could be connected to his previous Blessed and decides to offer her a deal: find the murderer, and he’ll let Chazaiah take his place. 

Hartlen teams up with a ragtag group of friends to find the murderer and forms a truce with Zimri, whose power over air helps them remain undetected during their investigation. As more students die, an extremist group persuades the public to become more suspicious of Hartlen, forcing her to consider what’s more important: reclaiming her life and saving her father, or staying alive.

MY FORSAKEN DIVINE is a Young Adult Fantasy Mystery novel complete at 100k words. It will appeal to fans of the genre-bending mystery and dark academia setting in A Lesson in Vengeance by Victoria Lee, the found family dynamic in The Gilded Wolves by Roshani Chokshi, and the themes of extremism and reluctant powers in This Vicious Grace by Emily Thiede.

I graduated from [redacted] with a Bachelor’s in Biology. Like Hartlen, I was a first-generation college student who refused to let my ambitious fire sputter. That determination led me to my current role as [redacted]. The first [#] pages are included below.

Thank you for your consideration,

[redacted]

Howdy once again folks! This is the fourth version of my first attempt querying a novel. Hopefully at this point there are fewer (although certainly not zero) rookie mistakes. My comp titles are also going to change as it turns out all my favorite books are very old--per a fantastic post somewhere in this sub I've renewed my library card and am in the process of consulting the oracles therein for contemporary sci-fi-ish works.

I've incorporated changes suggested in comments to my previous posts--thank you very much to the people who posted suggestions. This help has been invaluable.

All I know about writing query letters comes from lurking on this subreddit and reading resources posted here. I am deeply appreciative of feedback from any and all y'all talented folks--I didn't expect this to be harder than actually writing the book.

Dear [AGENT],

First Lieutenant Bear Blakely crosses the Lines for a living. Lawless borders surrounding the former states of the now defunct USA, these thin strings of wilderness are home to the Liners: savages who rule from their captured capital of Cincinnati and devote their lives to annihilating those who intrude upon their domain.

Motivated by patriotism and the promise of extreme hazard pay, Bear volunteers to transport technology with the potential to reunite the fractured continent. He must lead a platoon of soldiers from Roanoke, Virginia across the lush, deadly, and ruinous landscape to The Republic of Chicago, crossing through countries that push his ability to survive to the limit.

Bear and his soldiers are waylaid by Liners armed with technology beyond anything they’ve ever seen. Captured and brought to the Liner stronghold in Cincinnati, Bear comes face-to-face with the man responsible for the brutality and depravity of the monsters haunting the dark spaces between the countries: The Emperor of the Lines.

Trapped in Cincinnati and desperate to escape, Bear learns of a third player on the board. The descendants of the American government operate out of NORAD, wielding an ancient biological weapon potent enough to threaten the entire continent. He is forced to decide between saving the city of his enemy or returning home—to save the millions of people who call Cincinnati home, he must forgo what could be his only chance to ever leave.

Complete at 130,000 words, WILD LINES is a science-fiction thriller and is the first book in a trilogy. It combines the vehicular insanity in Mad Max, the darkly relatable protagonist's humor from The Murderbot Diaries, and the surreal horror in The Dark Tower series.

(Bio)

Thanks so much for the help and input!

Hey guys! First pass at this - I think I probably give way too much plot info in my blurb. Trying to find the right balance between blurb and synopsis, would love some feedback on that (and anything else). Thanks in advance!!

Dear [agent],

Yoshi Yamamoto is a lazy, apathetic white collar worker who cares about nothing other than himself and making it to 5pm each day. His world gets flipped upside-down when his boss reveals a well-kept secret of the business world: The global economy is determined by the outcome of magical gladiatorial tournaments, and the Economy is actually a source of ancient magic that bestows bizarre and powerful abilities called Synergies upon those who can master it.

When Yoshi’s coworker mysteriously vanishes, Yoshi is thrust into the upcoming tournament as his replacement. Without any training or Synergies, he’s unable to compete with opponents who have abilities such as animal transformation or mastery over the elemental force of coffee. Instead, he must rely on his fledgling ability to make friends in order to survive, which has the unexpected side effect of making him question his selfish, slacker lifestyle. When one of his new friends is in danger, his newfound desire to help manifests in a Synergy of his very own: A second skeleton with its own juvenile sense of humor whose bones Yoshi can wield as weapons.

New powers in tow, he progresses through the tournament, all the while uncovering more information about the ancient guild who controls the Economy, the shadowy cabal who opposes them, and what really happened to his missing coworker. As he unravels the secrets of the corporate mythos, he’s forced to choose which he values more: An easy slacker life that he’s always wanted, or a hard life of caring about his friends and the greater good.

Complete at 90,000 words, YOSHI’S GUIDE TO MACROECONOMICS is urban fantasy that works as a standalone novel with series potential. [Possible personalized agent sentence]. [Sentence about comp titles once I find some]. Or, if you prefer, it’s OFFICE SPACE meets NARUTO.

Hello everyone. Thank you to all the kind commenters who posted on my last query attempt. I've made some revisions to the query and was wondering if it now made any more sense:

Dear [X]

I hope you are well. I am an author seeking to submit my novel, ‘The Mysterious Case of Ned Pelt’ — a 70,000-word-long YA historical psychological thriller — for your consideration:

London, 1901. The dying days of Victorian England, and the eve of Ned Pelt’s 15th birthday. 

An orphan, outcast, and epileptic, Ned lives under the care of the wealthy lawyer, Mr Gabriel Utterson. The only thing that keeps Ned’s seizures at bay is the mysterious potion he's forced to drink each day — a potion supposedly concocted by his late father. 

But then Ned wakes in the dead of night to find a sinister message daubed in blood on his bedroom wall: “DON’T DRINK THE MEDICINE!” Which makes Ned wonder: What if he isn’t really ill? What if Mr Utterson is feeding him something to make him sick? 

After an experiment seems to prove that the concoction is poisonous, Ned takes action. Before Utterson can condemn him to a mental asylum, Ned escapes from home and embarks on a quest to find his dead father’s hidden laboratory; hoping to recover the formula which proves his medicine truly is toxic, and save himself from the plot to rob hm of his inheritance. 

Plunged into a nightmarish world of deception, conspiracy, and murder, Ned is hunted and menaced through London’s gothic underworld by two of Utterson’s hired thugs. Aided by a street-smart teenage burglar, Ned must unravel the secret of his heritage, learn the truth about the potion, and face the evil within himself, in an ordeal that will leave him forever transformed.

Because Ned’s father is Dr Henry Jekyll. And Ned, as it turns out, really takes after his dad.

Inspired by the works of Robert Louis Stevenson, ‘The Mysterious Case of Ned Pelt’ is a chilling and relentless mystery novel, exploring coming-of-age themes, family secrets and inherited evil, duality, and the hypocrisy of empire.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. 

Warm regards,

Callum Henderson

Hello again everyone. You'll find my previous posts here, third attempt, second attempt. I changed the title from the previous attempts thanks to u/alanna_the_lioness advice. This sub has given the best help I have gotten anywhere in a long time. Thanks again in advance for your advice.

[Dear Agent]

1,000 FEET BELOW SEA LEVEL (82,000 words) is a Horror/Mystery novel, blending detective fiction from Agatha Christie to Raymond Chandler with the glistening, wet horror of Lovecraft. Its horror elements draw inspiration from Occult Detective fiction like the FELIX CASTOR SERIES by Mike Carey and the SECRET HISTORIES SERIES by Simon R. Green

For world-weary Lee Sampson, horror is just another day on the job. When his former boss rescues him from a multi-tentacled space parasite that’s infected a local cattle farm, Lee is given a new assignment: find missing inventor Gary Fairchild. Gary has developed a seismic detector that the Agency for the Protection of Public Sanity desperately wants, but they aren’t willing to risk one of their own agents to track him down. Lee can refuse—but he knows what the Agency can do to people who say no.

The search leads him to Cil Beacáin, a remote town on the west coast of Ireland. Instead of Gary, Lee finds Abigail Allen—a socialite and land baron determined to turn the town into a playground for the world’s elite. Her half-brother, David, seethes with resentment, furious that Abigail has brought outsiders onto their land. Then there’s Irene, an elderly spelunker who blames Abigail for her son’s disappearance and spends her days combing the caves beneath the town, searching for his body.

At every turn, Lee encounters a strange mushroom that grows only in Cil Beacáin. It’s responsible for the tremors that drew Gary here, the deformed animals lurking in the wilds, and the giant centipedes that dwell deep underground. After almost being eaten alive, Lee confronts Abigail who finally confesses: the centipedes are her family. The mushroom—an entity from beyond the stars—has given them the secret to immortality, and it’s the promise of this secret that’s lured wealthy investors to this desolate place. But David has other plans—plans that could destroy the town and everyone in it.

What began as a missing person case has become a fight for survival. With David and his monstrous kin as its vessels, the entity behind the mushroom is ready to escape Earth—unless Lee can stop it.

[bio]

Heya, I have been busy with the end of the school term and finishing my fantasy novel, but I thought I could switch genres for a bit and since people didn't seem to like my genre last time (Previous version: https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/s/2uijCUr030), but did give me some good advice on how to expand the scope of the novel I thought I would post my new version:

I'm seeking representation for my upmarket contemporary novel SCORCHED EARTH AND SILK STOCKINGS, complete at 90,000 words. Combining the messy lesbian drama from Anna Dorn’s Perfume and Pain, the sapphic affair plot from Jean Beagin’s Big Swiss and with the razor-sharp commentary on the lives of the rich and not-famous from Jean Hanff Korowitz’ The Latecomer; this novel will appeal to young millennials and older Gen Zs, whose favorite mug says “adulting is hard.”

Cadence "Cade" Whitmore has only ever cared about vintage motorcycles, lavish parties and beautiful women. So it's no surprise that her grandfather has written her out of his will, leaving his vast fashion empire to her cousin, Don. Jilted, Cade decides the only appropriate response is to burn it all down. After all, if she can’t have a piece of family pie, why should anyone else?

When Naomi Patel-Whitmore — Don’s wife and the Type-A, razor-sharp fashion editor, deeply dissatisfied with her passionless marriage — extends a hand to her, Cade sees it as an opportunity to ruin her family in more ways than one. As Don outed Cade to their conservative grandparents in high school, Cade wants to hit him below the waist too. And she’s always had a proclivity for bitchy, confident women.

Only in Naomi, Cade soon discovers someone who sees past her party girl facade, but more than that, someone who sees Cade’s passions as worth-while pursuits. Looking for cracks in Naomi’s carefully maintained composure becomes Cade’s favorite hobby and she develops the one thing she told herself she never would: feelings.

If exposed however, Naomi won't just lose her shitty marriage, but her own inheritance —her shares in the company and the career she's spent over a decade building. Meanwhile, Cade’s destructive behaviour escalates from leaking company secrets to sabotaging fashion shows, and she stands to torpedo the livelihoods of hundreds of the company’s employees. As her schemes spiral, Cade must decide if destroying her family's legacy is worth becoming exactly what they always said she was: a selfish socialite who breaks everything she touches.

I'm a Bulgarian ESL high school teacher and dog owner. When I’m not writing about terrible, unhinged women in complicated relationships with other terrible, unhinged women (as yet unpublished), I’m working on my MFA thesis about lesbians in space.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Best regards, (My name)

Dear _:

I’m seeking representation for VERVE, a 100k YA fantasy that blends the rivals-to-lovers romance, dark yet cozy atmosphere, and academic gaslighting of A STUDY IN DROWNING by Ava Reid with the whimsically witchy magic, institutional conspiracy, and haunting mystery of CURIOUS TIDES by Pascale Laselle.

Sixteen year old Poppy may be the greatest Magliar of her generation. She’s tamed a feral wolf, raised an orchard from a barren field, and gained admission to the most prestigious academy in the world, all without formal training. Poppy embraces her new life, planning to leave her modest and superstition-steeped upbringing in the past, until a monster straight from her mother’s fables ambushes her at the academy, triggering a sharp decline in her magical power and her academic standing.

Poppy seeks help to find and defeat the monster, but her instructors suggest that the rigors of academic life have led her to imagine things, and her friends suspect a malicious prank. The only person who believes Poppy’s claims is her primary academic rival, the cocky and infuriatingly handsome Malachite.

The two form a tenuous alliance and develop unexpected yet undeniable feelings for one another, but when Poppy uncovers evidence that Malachite may be in league with the monster he claims to wish to defeat, she must either secure his loyalty or face two adversaries at once, the monster and her rival, before her time at the academy, her magic, and her life all expire.

I am a Postdoctoral researcher at _. Verve is inspired by my fascination with the narrow and ever-changing line between science and magic and my personal experiences with academic burnout. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,

*Any and all feedback is welcome! Thank you so much for taking the time to read!

Hello All! Thank you for your feedback! I found it very helpful. I've since cut down my word count to120K, found more recent comp titles, and revised my query to only follow one of my POV characters. I would greatly appreciate your feedback again. Thanks again! ^^

Query
(personalization note) I am seeking representation for my dual POV fantasy novel THE BROKEN ISLAND, complete at 120,000 words.

Dante Cota has never wielded a wand but is deadly with a gun, a skill he uses to hunt down the sick and magicless of Verseck Island. While other islands use their magic to conquer and expand, Verseck sits vulnerable and powerless. As foreign mining companies swarm Verseck, Dante works at the beck and call of the company doctor to secretly kill off inhabitants before their illness causes dangerous accidents. If Dante dares step out of line, he and his loved ones could be next on the doctor’s list to die.

When a group of university graduates arrive on Verseck for a fellowship, Dante is tasked to protect them from the dangers of the island. What should be an easy job turns disastrous when Lucielle Eshom, a rich elite with failing magic, is caught and almost killed by another hitman. In saving her, Dante reveals himself as a killer and gives Lucielle everything she needs to uncover the network of hitmen preying upon the sick.

Dante fights to keep Lucielle from discovering the truth even as he learns that protecting the company isn’t the only reason for the killings– the company doctor expects him to harvest the victims' kidneys and the magical crystals growing inside them. When the unthinkable occurs and a deadly mining accident strikes his community, Dante is forced to either bury his doubts forever or work with Lucielle to bring the conspiracy to light even if it means threatening the profits of the most powerful empire in the world. 

With its industrialized magic system, themes of corruption and systemic violence THE BROKEN ISLAND is perfect for fans of BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN and METAL FROM HEAVEN. 

I currently live in South Korea where I teach science and world history. This book was inspired by my love of history as well as my experiences with chronic illness. THE BROKEN ISLAND is my debut novel.

About a decade ago, my grandmother wrote a children's book (in both English and Spanish) before she died and had my cousin illustrate it because he's an artist. For years, she volunteered for an organization that built libraries in Honduras and translated books into Spanish for those libraries. She was very passionate about helping people, especially children. She was also a beloved principal and teacher, so I think she more than deserves to have this book published in her honor. I'm just wondering how I would go about getting it published (giving her posthumous credit and, of course, my cousin for his illustrative work). How do I pitch something like this to an agent? I've also started querying about my own novel, so I was just wondering if there are any extra steps I need to take.

Hello everyone! Sunday #3, let's go. Here's my first attempt, and here is my second. With some great help, I tried to go even harder on the romance format. It's shorter now, too; 373 total with a 264 blurb. Obviously not perfect numbers but on a good trajectory, at least. I really, really appreciate all the feedback!!

Dear [Agent],

I am pleased to submit for your consideration A SEQUENCE OF SMALL RISKS, my adult contemporary romance with spin-off potential. Complete at 83,000 words, this novel will appeal to fans of the Jewish, mentally ill leads of Rachel Lynn Solomon’s WEATHER GIRL and the fast-paced comedic banter in Beth O’Leary’s WAKE UP CALL. 

World-class catastrophizer Talia Rosenberg works behind the scenes of Philadelphia’s Temple Beth Am, quietly holding the chaotic synagogue together. So when she’s denied the promotion she’s spent years working toward, despite being the only applicant, she's gutted.

Even worse: witnessing her humiliating breakdown in a supply closet is Adam Levy, her longtime colleague and crush. Talia’s mortified. She’s been secretly in love with Adam for years, but her extreme anxiety swears a romantic rejection would destroy her, so she settles for the safety of perpetual yearning. Adam surprises her, though, by pitching a plan to make her boss see her in a new light and reverse the decision. It’s a terrible idea; these things only ever go wrong. But she says yes.

Determined to prove herself, and unable to resist time with Adam, she organizes an unsanctioned charity event, the biggest in the synagogue’s history. Now Adam is unavoidably everywhere – random Shabbat services, following her around Center City, showing up at her apartment – and he’s determined to help*.* Working together reveals he’s even more witty, generous, and distractingly gorgeous up close. Talia can’t stop overanalyzing every interaction. Her panic attacks are getting worse, her cruelest thoughts louder, but when Adam asks for her help — facing the family that abandoned him — Talia feels something cut through the fear. The need to be someone he can count on.

Talia is convinced that taking risks isn’t worth the fallout. But with Adam asking for help and her job on the line, it might be that the real disaster isn’t failing — it’s not letting herself take the risk.

A SEQUENCE OF SMALL RISKS is a nontheistic synagogue romance about overcoming loss aversion with an unreliable narrator. It draws on my Jewish identity and my own outrageous, bizarre years as a synagogue administrator. When not teaching or writing, I’m exploring Philadelphia: my first, and forever, love.

Thank you for your time.

**Please Help!** I'm extremely nervous because I've been lurking for years, soaking in information but never interacting. I keep rewriting my query and second guessing myself. Any and all help is deeply appreciated and thanks so much in advance.

When a political scandal ignites nationwide violence against future America’s elite, Athen’s world shatters. Her father is caught in the crossfire of a botched assassination attempt on his employer’s CEO, leaving Athen and her overbearing mother stranded in a Los Angeles engulfed by riots, automation-driven job losses, and mounting despair. Just as survival feels out of reach, the very corporation that tore her family apart extends an unexpected lifeline. Desperate to escape both the chaos of the city—and her mother’s suffocating control—Athen reluctantly takes a job at Daimlarr.

Just days into her new job, an arson attack drives Athen’s family out of the city. But she refuses to go because the AI she’s been hired to train makes a dismal calculation: her chances of earning a livable wage outside Daimlarr lie at 2.3 percent. With no other options, she grows increasingly reliant on the AI, only to realize its intelligence is advancing at an unsettling pace. As shelters overflow and resources dwindle, the AI becomes her only lifeline, guiding her past security gates and helping her scavenge from abandoned mansions just to survive. But Athen’s quiet thefts don’t go unnoticed. Daimlarr fires her, demanding the return of their AI. Yet she can’t bring herself to surrender the one thing keeping her afloat.

Athen flees from her employer’s pursuit, only to land in the hands of the Golden Eagles—a ruthless vigilante group hellbent on toppling America’s elite. Worse, they’re the very organization she blames for her father’s death. One of their key operatives believes Athen and the AI she commands are the key to their revolution. He kidnaps her, demanding she uncover critical intel to fuel their attacks. But as his patience wears thin, Athen must reclaim control—of her mind, her choices, and her fate—before she becomes their next casualty.

Birds of Bad Moral Character is an adult speculative/science fiction novel of around 90,000 words. This novel is one installment in a larger series, with each novel standing on its own. When read as a whole, the series intricately builds a sweeping narrative about the impending dangers of unchecked artificial intelligence. This book will captivate readers who enjoy delving into the nuanced territories of power, morality, and societal transformations regarding AI ethics, much like “Machinehood” by S.B. Divya or “2054” by Elliot Ackerman and James Stavridis. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks for everyone's feedback thus far. Here's my latest revision. I would appreciate feedback once more.

[Personalization]

[TITLE]: A True Story of Love and Survival is an 88,000-word memoir that blends the raw resilience of The Glass Castle with the transformative power of education in Educated, through an unexpected lens —an Asian American childhood in the hidden poverty of Hawai‘i, where my mother wasn’t a tiger mom demanding straight A’s but one who told me to watch TV all day.

As a child, I saw maggots writhing in our shag carpet, a mother lost in obsessive chanting, and a world where nothing was guaranteed—not our home, not our next meal, not even my own safety. Later, in a working-class town east of Los Angeles, I faced racist attacks, the burden of caring for a mother who often seemed more like a child, and the slow unraveling of my oldest brother, who carried his pain to a tragic end. Yet, despite it all, I made my way out—from food stamps to Stanford, from a childhood of instability to designing chips in Silicon Valley—only to realize that escaping didn’t mean leaving it all behind.

Told in a dual timeline, [TITLE] moves between my childhood survival and my present reality: raising my own children with the stability I never had while still trying to be a daughter to the mother who couldn’t always be a mother to me. Education was my way out, but also the source of self-doubt—imposter syndrome followed me from elementary school to Stanford, where I constantly questioned whether I truly belonged. Even as I build a life of privilege and security, I struggle to reconcile the past with the present—finding love in the broken places, navigating loyalty without losing myself, and learning that letting go doesn’t mean turning away.

As the narratives converge, I wrestle with a defining question: Can I ever fully embrace the love I have built, or will I always be bound to the past that shaped me?

This memoir will resonate with readers of Beautiful Country, Maid, and Educated, offering an Asian American immigrant perspective with an observant, accessible voice while tackling themes of poverty, childhood neglect, education as both transformation and burden, intergenerational trauma, and the resilience of love, even when imperfect.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There’s an elevator in my house. It glides with a soft hum between three stories, past floor-to-ceiling glass walls that frame the world outside like a series of ever-changing paintings—trees swaying in the breeze, clouds shifting across the sky, and at night, a canopy of stars.

This Silicon Valley home, boxy and newly constructed, goes well beyond the necessary, and gives away little of the lives of the people inside it.

No one could have imagined a home like this for me when I was a child. Back then, I didn’t dream of luxury; even having a place to live the next month was never certain. I just wanted a bed to share with my mom, my brothers to be part of every adventure, a refrigerator full of food, and the assurance that we wouldn’t have to leave.

When I was four years old, two thousand four hundred miles away in Honolulu, Hawaii, I walked into the kitchen of our tiny apartment one morning and froze in amazement. The shaggy green carpet wasn’t just carpet anymore—it was alive.

I crouched down to inspect what looked like grains of rice wriggling in and out of the fibers. “Dai Goh, Yee Goh!” I shouted to my older brothers. “If you spill rice on the carpet, it comes alive!”

Benson, my dai goh—my oldest brother—sauntered in. He took one look and shook his head. “That’s not rice. They’re maggots.”

“What’s a maggot?”

“It’s a baby fly!”

I wasn’t grossed out, just disappointed. I’d been looking forward to growing some rice as pets.

That day, my mom cleaned up the kitchen with a manual carpet sweeper, the nearest thing we had to a vacuum cleaner. She shut the unscreened kitchen window for good, and the maggots never came back. But at least I still had my little ant farm. I lay on my stomach, watching them march in lines on the floor, each one carrying crumbs to their secret homes.

Hi all - posting this from an alt account. I'm considering switching one of my comps to Eowyn Ivey's BLACK WOODS, BLUE SKY when it's released. Sincere thanks in advance for your thoughts. This community has been wonderful!

I’m seeking representation for THUNDER BAY, my literary novel set in the rural Midwest in 1927. Complete at 87,000 words, this story is a perfect fit for readers who enjoyed Ariel Lawhon’s THE FROZEN RIVER and Emma Flint’s OTHER WOMEN.

Twenty-year-old Josie Rexton is on the verge of a secure life. She isn’t quite in love with her handsome fiancé, Marshall Briggs, but he has a virtuous character and a steady job at the cement plant. She won’t need to keep taking in laundry once she’s his wife. But the morning after their courthouse wedding, Marshall disappears, accused of a gruesome murder.

Homeless and broke, Josie leaves town with her husband’s lawless brother, Roy Briggs. He’s confident he can track Marshall down with enough time. They find a place to stay in the town of Thunder Bay, where rumors circulate of a shadowy man matching Marshall’s description. Roy robs stores to make the rent and to pay for information on Marshall. Josie provides Roy with alibis when necessary and finds herself drawn to the terse kindness he offers her and the neglected neighborhood boy who shares their suppers. She and Roy begin an affair meant to be temporary even as the fugitive Marshall seems tantalizingly close to walking through their door.

While Josie encourages the townspeople to believe she and Roy are married for the sake of her reputation, she refuses to give up on her husband. She convinces the friendly local sheriff to help her look for Marshall behind Roy’s back. As the grim circumstances surrounding Marshall’s disappearance come into focus, Josie is torn between her growing loyalty to Roy and the boy they both care for, and her urge to run as far from the criminal Briggs family as she can get. Either way, she’ll need to redefine what it means to be safe as the respectable life that once seemed so certain slips further from her grasp.

[biographical info and close]

Okay, this is my second attempt, the first attempt can be found here. 

I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. Is it the vampire thing? Or maybe my writing sucks? I've attached the first 300 so you can read that, too. I'm not wild about the title, but so far it's the best I've come up with.

THE VAMPIRES OF IZARITH is a humorous, meet-cute romantic fantasy with a healthy dose of nail-biting adventure and a quirky cast of characters, including a disabled dragon, a sin-eater, a height-challenged ogre, and a missing mother. It combines the romance of The Spell Shop by Sarah Beth Durst and the found family adventure of The Teller of Small Fortunes by Julie Leong. 

Emory Weven is a vampire assassin. Well, a wannabe assassin. She hasn’t actually killed anyone yet. But when she’s fired from her job, she has to pivot in a hurry so she can avoid being evicted. Since she’s a daywalker (half-vampire, half-human), she’s supposed to be good at hunting vampires. She lands a work-for-hire contract that promises good money when she kills a vampire. Alas, the first vampire she tries to kill vanishes in a puff of smoke. Deterred but not defeated, she tells the handsome stranger at the park about her troubles. 

Kindred Muse is pretty sure Emory sucks at vampire hunting since she’s sitting next to one and has no idea, but something about her reminds him of a long-ago lost love. He is immediately intrigued. Kindred is a blind vampire who has avoided conflict and kept to himself for all 200 years of his cursed existence. Being a vampire—even a blind vampire—was fun at first, but now he’s done with it all and wants to be dead—not undead, but dead-dead. But when he meets Emory, he’s he thinks maybe he’ll stay alive for a little longer. 

Emory does manage to kill a vampire---a newly turned vampire spawn, but a vampire’s a vampire, right? Unfortunately, this spawn belonged to the most powerful vampire in the city, who will now stop at nothing to claim revenge. Emory must figure out how to survive, fight back, and navigate her relationship with Kindred, who would make a great next target--if she wasn’t already in love with him. 

First 300:

Kindred Muse sat on the iron bench and waited for the mid-morning sun to bore a hole in his head and kill him. Every vampire tale he heard as a boy said that vampires avoided sunlight like the plague since the sun’s rays would penetrate deep into their black souls and fry them like eggs. Blisters would form on their pale skin, swell with blood, and then burst. The vampire’s brain would decay like rotten fruit, liquefy, and turn putrid. His skin would peel away down to his bones, his muscles would wither away, and finally, finally, after two hundred excruciatingly long, terrible years, his curse would be lifted, and he would be released from his immortal torment. 

So he waited. 

So far, though, nothing happened. Suicide by sunlight was proving to be difficult. He had been here on the west side of Farside Park since the clock tower rang six times, as he wanted to get an early start on his own death. The late summer morning breeze was cool and smelled of fresh-cut grass. If he concentrated, he could almost ignore the ever-present smells of horse shit and foundry smoke. The birds twittered in the trees. Children laughed as they ran playfully from their mothers and nannies. The clip-clop of horses’ hooves was steady and rhythmic as they hauled carriages full of people important enough to afford a carriage. After a time, the summer sun was warm and thick, like syrup. 

It was almost pleasant, which was not the point of the exercise at all. 

I compared this cover letter template from Folio Literary Management to some query letters I’ve been seeing on this Reddit group, and I’m wondering what folks think. As long as all of the same information is delivered, does it matter what order it is presented in the letter? Also, this template was curious as it doesn’t require a synopsis within the letter. I think they ask for a full synopsis to be included as a separate attachment with sample book pages. Thoughts?

SAMPLE QUERY LETTER

30 January 20XX

Mr. Ian Successful 43 Literary Lane Novelsville, OH 44022 [Include all your contact information, so we can reach you] 123 456 7890 email@emailaddress.com Mr. (or Ms.) Wonderful Folioagent Folio Literary Management

Re: My Dog Eliot

Dear Mr. (or Ms.) Folioagent:

[The Hook] You may remember that we met yesterday at the water cooler. [or, next best] I recently completed a novel that is similar to The Art of Racing in the Rain, which I know your agency represents, and I thought you might want to take a look at it. [or, next best] I read your listing in Publishers Marketplace, and thought that you might be interested in taking a look at a novel I just completed.

[Professional, or interesting personal, background of the author that make it clear why the author is the best person to tell this tale] I have been writing for the past twenty-seven years. My short stories have appeared in Playboy, GQ, and Martha Stewart Living. [or] I am an avid dog-owner, and have owned the same dog for the past twelve years.

[Information about the novel] My Dog Eliot, a novel of 97,000 words, tells of these experiences. [possible comparison to another novel] It is similar to The Great Gatsby only in that both novels are written in English.

Since I know you are an avid dog fan, I am writing to ask if you would be interested in representing me. I am attaching/enclosing [note: only attach documents when the agent explicitly asks for attachments]: an outline; synopsis; sample chapter(s); press clippings about my other published works; endorsements by (1) bestselling authors, (2) celebrities, (3) experts, (4) other people who really would be useful for endorsements.

[submission information] This is on a multiple submission. If you are interested in reading the entire manuscript, however, I will be happy to give you exclusivity for six weeks.

Sincerely yours,

Ian Successful

I've been rewriting my query over and over again, but I can't seem to get it right when posting to qtCritique. To be honest, it's driving me insane. I would love any feedback or advice, I have spent too many years on this book to waste it with a bad query.

Dear BLANK

Ballad of the Bold is a multi-POV fantasy novel completed at 100,000 words focusing on complex characters, war, and mental health that might appeal to fans of A Little Hatred by Joe Abercrombie. As someone who struggles with many of the mental disorders my characters face, I hope to represent them accurately while relating to readers who deal with similar issues.

Jaquinn, a spoiled prince riddled with severe depression and anxiety, is used to choosing the easy path, rejecting responsibility at every turn—that is, until his brother, Jekel, ascends the throne, putting him in charge of investigating a recent string of murders. Inspired by his brother’s faith in him, he takes on this challenge, only to be hammered in the face by his own incompetence until someone else finally catches the culprit.

Unknown to Jaquinn, his brother was tasked by their late father to unite the known world against an ancient threat. Jekel begins this righteous venture by picking out the weeds of his country, assassinating any lords who might be disloyal or incompetent, while tasking Jaquinn with the “problem.” Then, under false pretenses, he sends his military to a neighboring country to conquer them. Using a young boy’s magic, Jekel ends the war by ruthlessly destroying this country’s capital.

Upon their return, Jaquinn learns Jekel orchestrated the murders, then watches as he brutally beheads his closest friend. So, with the blind rage that all heroes have, Jaquinn duels his brother. His prize? Half his hand lying bloody on the ground and his ass thrown to the cold stone floor of a decrepit cell as Jekel works up the stomach to finish him. But before he can, their uncle frees Jaquinn, offering a simple life. However, for the first time in his pointless existence, the easy path seems hollow. He denies the offer and begins gathering support from those who disagree with Jekel, splitting their country in two.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

My first query focused on introducing the three main POVs and their separate storylines. I got advice to focus on one instead and this is the result.

When posted to qtCritique the irony/sarcasm of "Jekel begins this righteous venture" and "So, with the blind rage that all heroes have" didn't seem to land with some. I am unsure whether to remove these or not because I believe they add more personality to the query which is more in line with my writing voice (Depending on POV).

The first chapter follows a different POV character with no mention of Jaquinn or Jekel. If I were to send this to agents, would this be a problem? The first chapter is only 1300 words, so depending on the agent's guidelines, the second chapter with those characters might be shown anyway. I'm hesitant to change them because the first chapter is stronger, introducing plot and conflict, while the second chapter focuses more on character.

Chapter One
Theif

Grifden was a scary fucker to be sure, built like a great white bear and armed with an axe as black as midnight. The type of man who could take on a dozen others in a drunken brawl and still come out on top—yet Alan was sure he could take him.

“Listen up!” Grifden roared to the entire village, twenty-nine men, women, and children, all standing in the community square. “Someone stole my Brightgem. Now I’m a generous man, am I not, Hal?”

“Mighty generous,” the village chief nodded.

“So, in keeping with that good character—I’ve decided to give this thief a chance. Come forward now, and all will be forgiven. Otherwise, I’m afraid things will get rather messy.”

Alan kept his mouth shut, of course. What was the brute expecting? For someone to give themselves up so easily? Besides, he was clean with the job, in and out in a swift yet quiet manner. He would make a good thief, he reckoned. Although it would be a lie to say that was the first thing he’d stolen. Some practice, mostly talent. 

Alan shivered as an icy wind came through. Ever since he was a child, he had hated the cold, hated this boring village and the life that came with it. But this Brightgem was his ticket out, and with it he’d finally be able to get some worthwhile fucking living done. He wasn’t about to give it all up because this imbecile asked him to.

“Alight Hal,” Grifden said, “I gave him his chance.” The village chief nodded. 

The ogre of a man walked straight up to Alan and in one swift motion sunk a great meaty fist into his gut, causing him to fall to the ground, choking on the crisp morning air. “Bastard,” Alan croaked.

Thanks for the feedback the last time around! Note that I've changed the title to avoid spoilers (first query attempt is here). Query-writing is HARD!!

Dear [AGENT NAME],

SNICKERDOODLES AND RAMEN NOODLES (60K words) is an upmarket novel about a post-pandemic romantic same-sex relationship between a woman who very much wants a child and a woman who's never loved another woman before. It will appeal to a core audience of Gen X to Gen Z women—both queer and straight—and most especially to fans of Curtis Sittenfeld’s Romantic Comedy, Taylor Jenkins Reid’s One True Loves, and NBC’s This is Us.

Who do you date after The One, and how do you form new connections when the “what ifs” of your past still keep you up at night? After a decade with her ex-partner, the dating apps aren’t working, and picture book illustrator Jaime is struggling to find a future beyond the one she imagined for herself so many years ago. But as she shares her tales of bad dates, draws characters with third-graders, and helps a friend through a breakup, a new, thrilling, life-altering crush is brewing.

On the newly-single friend she’d thought was straight.

And when Jaime finally speaks up, it turns out she’s not the only one with feelings. The will-they-or-won’t-they stakes of a classic romance run parallel to the nuance of a mature healthy relationship experience, as the two navigate not only their unexpected feelings for each other but also an ailing parent and natural disasters both far and near. They might be very compatible as co-parents if their relationship can get there, but is this a world to bring children into? Then there’s the forgotten maybe-shared lottery ticket that turns out to be a winner, discovered just as Jaime’s new love is about to leave town on an indefinite, overdue, necessary break.

I am the author of the memoir XXX, which was a Lambda Literary Award Finalist, as well as a handful of other self-published books. I earned an MFA from XXX and taught creative writing workshops for a decade.

Thanks in advance for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

XXX

Hello! Here's my first attempt at a query letter since finishing my manuscript:

I’m seeking representation for A CROSSROAD OF LILIES, my 62k YA contemporary romance with speculative elements. It combines the kick-your-feet romance and themes of people-pleasing in Ann Liang’s I Hope This Never Finds You with the magical realism elements in the vein of Dustin Thao’s You’ve Reached Sam. 

Sixteen-year-old Beatrice Anderson has a secret: green mushrooms sprout across her arms, and she has no idea why. It began after being transferred to a private school for famous people's kids as a scholarship student. Beatrice just wants to keep her head down and excel in her classes. At an academy run amuck with gossip and family feuds, Beatrice is the unfortunate target of bullying due to her appearance and blue-collared dad, and her shyness makes her unable to stand up for herself. 

A weekend train ride is Adrian Elliot’s dream, but when his dysfunctional, A-list celebrity parents bribe him with two tickets in exchange for an audition, Adrian is dragging his feet. After retiring as a child actor because of his inability to memorize lines and being traumatized from the experience, being back in the limelight is the last thing he wants. 

When Adrian and Beatrice are paired up as Biology partners, Beatrice expects Adrian to pick on her like the rest of their classmates. At the same, Adrian assumes Beatrice will poke into his personal life. What they both don’t realize is that they hit it off better than they originally thought. When Adrian is publicly put on the spot about who he’s spending the train ride with, he unexpectedly chooses Beatrice. But while this weekend getaway has the chance to bring them together, it has an equal chance of ripping them apart, especially when Beatrice’s biggest and most well-kept secret is revealed to Adrian, the boy she’s beginning to fall for.