Hi everyone!

This is my first attempt at my query. I'm struggling because it's multi-POV (but I'm trying to focus on the two main POVs here - my question is, should I even mention the others because they're important but I think it makes the query too complicated. I've kept them in here but open to feedback on that). I'm also struggling to condense the plot because it makes sense in the manuscript (I promise!) but there isn't room for it in the query. In saying that, the query is already a bit too long, I know, but I'm working on that :)

Here it goes:

Dear [agent],

My novel, WHEN THE SHADOWS WHISPER, is a multi-POV, 109,000-word queer YA crossover dark fantasy novel and the first in a planned trilogy, about a girl who is forced to decide how far she will go for the truth—and the darkness that she is willing to confront …

WHEN THE SHADOWS WHISPER is set in the Romanian-inspired city of Albor, where the citizens live in fear of the dark witchwood beyond the walls, turning to the teachings of the Order of Light to keep them safe. It’s been a year since the Order murdered Enrieta’s mother when they come for her—or, more specifically, for the blood majik inside her. With nowhere else to go, Enrieta turns to the shadowy Resistance and the enigmatic Silvea Lin who leads it.

Silvea helps Enrieta escape the city, only for Enrieta to find herself in the witchwood, a world of shifting shadows and whispering darkness. There, she meets Kithi, a Druyd with a dark past. Kithi is desperate to save the witchwood she calls home from the shadows that threaten to consume it, even as her quest takes her back into the city that still features in her nightmares. Because Kithi knows that something is coming, something that the world won’t survive—and the Order is behind it.

Two others are drawn into the Order's plans: a leader searching for a way to save her people, and her childhood rival, hiding a darkness that could be the downfall of them all. Something ancient is hunting on the streets of Albor ... and it might be hunting them. It is the first to rise, but it will not be the last, not if the Order succeed.

Enrieta just wants the truth about why her mother had to die, but she realises that the Order’s plans put far more at stake than her own personal search. Enrieta can't trust anyone—and she certainly can't trust Silvea, who knows far more than Enrieta wants to believe. When Enrieta discovers the extent of Silvea's betrayal, she will have to choose: flee Albor and stay safe, or fight on alone, no matter the cost.

But things long-forgotten are waking, and the secrets her mother—and Silvea—kept may just seal Enrieta’s fate.

This novel explores the effects of trauma and pain on a landscape, and the darkness within each of us. It combines the interweaving ensemble cast of Susan Dennard’s Truthwitch series with the darkness and forest-as-character in Greymist Fair by Francesca Zappia. I have had previous work published in [bio].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks for the feedback a week ago. This is a revision based on those comments. Let me know if it's a bit more focused and easier to follow. Otherwise, any and all thoughts are more than welcome.

P.S. - I did forget trigger warnings last time, and I apologize. There are mentions of suicide and self harm in the query as well as a scene set in the aftermath of a suicide for the first 300 words.

The Query Letter:

Dear Agent,

“Come. Give into sin,” Zulta the Vampire Queen beckons every day when humans hesitate at the black gates of Satan’s Playground. Her amusement park is one of many frights on the horror themed island. She has lived there ever since winning the Forsaken Sweepstakes.

Presenting the event as charity, her orphanage entered the "hard-to-place". This was Zulta no thanks to her mother’s suicide. When she found the woman with slit wrists, she was too young to understand. She simply saw pretty red. She started making pretty red messes of her own skin, a bad habit no adopter wanted to deal with.

Her vampiric caretakers never minded the blood though. Alongside the other sweepstakes winning orphans, they raised her in the ways of devilish dramatics. This was step one of the grand plan – turn the children into park performers. Zulta showed such promise the Vampire Queen bit her and entrusted her with step two – draw in a record number of tourists.

A bomb blowing the Queen up was never meant to be step three. She never meant to burden Zulta with responsibility and so, she never told Zulta the truth. A truth the human sympathizer of a bomber knew. The bomber meant to prevent but could only delay the real step three – reap human flesh to pay the Devil back.

According to a long-standing deal, the Devil made the first vampires, granting them supernatural senses and immortality. He built them an island and sowed its fields with blood nectar flowers, but these gifts were never free. To collect His overdue pounds, a demon crashes Zulta’s park parade. Its banishment requires blood magic she cannot do. Her ex-girlfriend the Werewolf Queen is the expert, unfortunately.

Of 101,000 words, Fangs Destined for Repossession is a Dual-POV dark fantasy that delves deep into broken character psyches like Claire Kodha’s Woman, Eating in a world where the grotesque and gruesome are presented with an eccentric twist like Katherine Dunn does in Geek Love.

First 300 Words:

A coppery tang stunk up the motel bathroom. Overwhelmed and overworked, the exhaust fan screamed. My mother had neglected me and the poor fan all day, so we took turns shrieking and wailing. Ultimately, the hell we raised amounted to nothing. Lesson learned. Tears were a waste of time.

After shutting up, I crawled out from between the toilet and peeling wallpaper. I scratched my wet cheeks dry with a square of toilet paper.

Fine. If Mother didn’t want to play with me, I’d entertain myself.

Sticky red stuff pooled at the base of the tub. Like it was finger paint, I wetted my hands. I slapped around. The bright red enlivened all the beiges and browns.

With red smears, I connected dots of mold spots. I traced the cracks in the cheap linoleum tile. On the bathroom sink, I even painted smiles. None of this turned my mother’s frown upside down though.

Still bored with me, my mother stayed slumped in the bathroom tub. Her arm dangled over the rim. The drip, drip, drip of her wrist was slowing down. Every drop ticked like a clock, telling me draw time was almost up.

Sunken to the bottom of her bathwater, the silver thing my mother used to pretty her wrists was gone. I couldn’t keep painting without it. I couldn't make my own red. I couldn't bleed out before anyone stopped me. My foster would later have to stop my every attempt.

Certainly, I wouldn't have made it to forty years old. Or so my vampiric sire told about my human origins. Till written out like this, it only ever felt like someone else’s sob story. This was, is my attempt to empathize with younger me because the officer who found her surely didn't.

“The toddler waddled towards me with blood crusted hands, trying to grab my good pants,” his police report read...

For example, if a deal announcement on PM goes “…. to Sarah at XXXX, by X Agent at X Agency.” But there is no mention of how much the deal was, no ‘good deal’ or ‘nice deal’ etc. Does that mean the book sold for lower than 50k or was the amount simply not mentioned for whatever reason?

Hello! I'm looking for a bit of feedback on my query letter. I have two specific questions I wanted to ask:

-Slufton is a fictional city, should I specify this or is that unnecessary?

-I'm having a tough time with deciphering the genre. Not entirely sure it meets the upmarket criteria?

I've only sent out to 14 agents, and 6 came back rejected. One gave some personalized feedback, as in they specifically mentioned liking the concept and writing, but not connecting with the synopsis. Still a rejection, lol. Anyway, thank you again!

Query:

Dear Agent,

There’s something innately wrong with Grace Rosales, something she feels sprouting deep in her bones, and it’s the knowledge that love is dead.

A natural introvert, Grace lives and works in the small northern city of Slufton, MA. While resisting the societal pull to obtain a relationship for the sake of it, she feels alienated for not. But when she’s invited by her only friend to a local bar after her most recent break-up, she inadvertently makes an enemy that will change the course of her love life forever. His name is Frank. 

The prickle of hatred sparked between them spurs a pseudo-dare to co-pen a novel after Grace creates a book club, but the novel is only a ploy to keep Grace and Frank in contact, disguising the perverse stages of their volatile courtship. A tit-for-tat emerges while the novel is written, resulting in mutual stalking, boundary pushing, undermining, sabotage, violence, arson, and eventual collateral damage.

Grace doesn’t know who will prevail, but the tendrils of their slow burning obsession will only end in devastation the longer she delves into its depths.

Told in dual 3^(rd) person POV and at 70,000 words, AN AWFUL NOVEL is a dark literary/upmarket (?) psychological suspense exploring societal/self expectations, the allure of negativity, and emotional ambivalence while depicting the toxic co-authorship of two unhealthy individuals until their relationship culminates in ruin. It combines the sharp and absorbing prose of Sarah Rose Etter’s Ripe with the dark, intoxicating obsession in Micah Nemerever’s These Violent Delights and the psychological complexities in Maud Ventura’s My Husband.

First 300 words:

Before

The two gravestone rubbings hung between sun-soaked vines on Grace’s studio apartment wall. Tranquil inverses: two stately human shapes made of solid black charcoal outlined by recessed white. One male, one female.

A timeless tale.

Yet, something about them was modernized. Not visually, but in their placement. They were captured on separate parchment, enclosed by matching ornate frames. Distanced. Had they once been together at some point, on the same parchment, on the same grave, buried in the same tomb, back before the age of dating apps, twin flames, toxicity, and sexual marketability? Or was their placement indicative of something more? Something truly telling?

Grace peered at them, head tilted, sunlight dappling through the curtain onto the studio floor, illuminating her dark eyes. Annoyance wrote its way into the subtle worry lines of her thirty-year-old face. She hadn’t meant to hang them—she hadn’t meant to buy them, not both, but the genesis of their procurement hadn’t been that simple.

It had started the day before with a single text. The spark.

Are you mad at me?

She’d been in bed, lounging the weekend morning away, and thought long and hard about it. Two minutes and she had her answer. She and this guy—Sam, Joe, Jeff, who cared anymore?—had only been dating for a month, and there was no connection. Whatever he thought was there, she had to douse it. Quickly.

I think we should see other people.

Cutting him loose felt like freedom, and yet her heart clenched as she slipped on a pair of yoga leggings and a sports bra. She fled to her gym and punched a bag. Forty minutes of this and her heart slowly unclenched, but it wasn’t fully loosened, so she ran her usual route. Oak St., then Lake to Maple, Maple to Grove. 

Hello again! Many thanks to everyone who commented on v1.

In this version, I've

• switched up comps
• made Caitie less of a monster because this isn't a paranormal
• kept the structure/focus on Caitie because it's single POV
• attempted to clarify + raise the stakes in the last para

And I should probably mention that the title is just a placeholder. While I'm grateful for the comments on it, I'm querying under a different journalism pun.

I’m excited to share STET ON YOU, a 90k adult workplace rom-com with the hot-mess heroine of Ashley Winstead’s Fool Me Once, the tech-bro-with-a-heart-of-gold hero of Jessica Joyce’s You, With a View, and the dream job gone sour of Rachel Lynn Solomon’s Business or Pleasure.

Intrepid NYC business reporter Caitie Maloney knows it’s wrong to date her source, a secretive crypto tycoon charged with fraud. But he’s not talking to anyone else, and she needs a scoop to keep her job. So she gambles, only to be fired, laughed out of journalism, and, when it’s clear she can’t provide any more press, dumped via tweet.

Lonely and desperate to stay in the city, Caitie leans on a friend to get a startup job, where no one follows media gossip and she can save up VC dollars until she can get back to a newsroom. She even makes out with a smart-talking stranger at a tech-industry party. Take that, redditors who called her “weird,” “sad,” and “unf-ckable.”

Unfortunately, said stranger is Ethan Zeller, a developer who’s still finding his feet as CEO of the startup he founded. He admits he should be focusing on the company’s next million users, not making out with employees, so he agrees to forget they ever kissed. Still, when Caitie has to profile Ethan for the startup’s website, she’s drawn to the soft heart beneath his tech-bro hoodies. Maybe their attraction is something real. (Unlike crypto.)

Then Ethan trusts her with a lead on a friend being harassed at another tech company—probably because Caitie let Ethan think she was on the Pulitzer track, not in ethics-violation exile. It might be wrong to chase the story after she torpedoed her credibility, but Caitie’s still tempted. Get it published, return to reporting, and she can date Ethan without mixing her professional and personal lives in another disaster. Get it rejected, though, and Ethan will find out she’s a weird, unlovable loser. This time, Caitie’s not just gambling her career, but her chance at love, too.

I’m an editor who worked in magazines and newsrooms for a decade before pivoting to [current field] at, yes, a startup.

I guess the main idea is, how much better is a line editor than something like grammarly? If I'm not mistaken, line editors can be fairly expensive, do you really get your bang for your buck? Does anyone have experiences with line editors that they can share?

Hello! Hope everyone had a good October and Halloween! Because now the fun is over. We have hit NaNoWriMo season (even though NaNoWriMo dot com has been cancelled), the US election (thanks, but no thanks), daylight savings (thanks but no thanks), and the beginning of the holiday bombardment (yes to the food, no to the family baggage).

Let us know what fresh hell November has in store for you and what you accomplished in October, the last happy month of our lives.

Hello! Long-time lurker and reader. I finally have a full draft of a manuscript and am setting my sights on drafting a query. (Eek!) I'm a thick-skinned overthinker and quite stumped at this shortened query format. Many thanks.

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I am seeking representation for an Adult Fantasy, Blood Reign, complete at 97,000 words. Set in a world divided by blood, the story explores themes of inequality, forbidden love, and the lengths we go to protect those we care about most. With its blend of political intrigue, high-stakes competition, and forbidden romance, Blood Reign appeals to fans of The Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard and The Will of the Many by James Islington.

Three hundred years ago, one nation unleashed disease to secure victory in war, fracturing the world into two groups: the immune high-bloods and the low-blood Druans, who refused to submit. Without full immunity and confined to city slums, Druans are controlled by daily rations that allow them to leave the slums for work—safe from all but blood contact.

Ryn, the youngest descendent of the royal family at eighteen, is exiled to the mines in the mountains. Her father and aunt search relentlessly for Athyrium, the rare stone that powers their world and the ingredient to the antidote keeping the Druans alive. Ryn finds solace only in climbing with her best friend, Jae, a Druan she can never touch.

When a terrorist attack on the mine leaves one of their own dead, Ryn is forced to return to the palace. Her family has a new plan for her: she’s to be engaged to a foreign prince, a descendant of Druans who fled centuries ago and built their own kingdom.

With abilities including immunity, the prince’s people now hold the last known source of Athyrium. Their royal family is in the palace for a series of four Unity Games that will seal a treaty. Ryn’s family promises antidotes for the Druans in the slums in exchange for generations of energy and their continued rule.

Ryn agrees to pose as the prince’s fiancée, and her mother promises true freedom for her and Jae once the treaty is finalized. But as Ryn navigates the lies in her family, her forbidden feelings for Jae, the safety of the Druans in the slums, and a foreign enemy, the fragile peace could shatter at any moment.

Thank you for your consideration.

First Attempt

Dear (AGENT NAME),

I am seeking representation for THE DEEP AGES, an adult fantasy stand-alone with series potential, complete at 119,000 words. It combines the thrills and pacing of Shannon Chakraborty’s The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi and the dark, magical world of H.M. Long’s Dark Water Daughter.

Since childhood, Ridney has been hunted by a demon that won't let him die by any hand but its own. To ensure its claim, the demon raises the dead to protect him from afar, a power coursing through Ridney’s body that he has no control over. He grows tired of such a life, and his desire to settle down and start a family drives him to cross the sea in an attempt to escape the demon’s reach forever.

But his plan ends in tragedy when his ship is attacked by those pursuing the eccentric assassin Espaneen. He survives inside the wreckage, trapped in a waterproof room, only to find she is the only other survivor.

Sinking to the seafloor, they’re rescued from the wreckage by a mysterious band of divers. With his necromancy nullified by the demon’s absence, his survival depends on people that live inside shipwrecks, harvesting air trapped within magical stones. Though he desires to complete his journey, his rescuers are unwilling to let him return to the surface, committed to keeping their existence hidden from the rest of the world. As Espaneen is tempted to ally with a tyrannical rebel threatening the queen of the isolationist kingdom, he becomes sympathetic with those struggling to uphold the monarchy. Aware that the demon may be closing in, he must decide whether to attempt returning to the surface, or risk everything to help the throne remain intact.

I have a BA in English from Luther College. A stay-at-home dad to two energetic boys, I live in Minnesota, where I spend my free time consuming stories on page and screen, hiking, gaming, and home remodeling. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration,

(Author Name)

Hey all,

This is my first attempt at querying and I would love to get some insight on my blurb. I'm particularly interested in feedback on:

• Are the stakes too vague?
• Should I spend more page space on defining my two protagonists?
• Is there too much worldbuilding set-up?
• Is there a better way to represent dual-POVs in the blurb?

Thanks for taking the time to read through and I appreciate any criticism and feedback offered!

Query Draft:

After seven years on the run from the witch hunters that burned her mother, wild and inquisitive Ingrid Silvaticus would’ve chosen anywhere else in the world to lay low than the crescent-shaped island at the edge of the map her huntsman father has brought her to. Stalked by its massive, diseased wolfpacks; scorned by its backwoods, too-superstitious folk; and hunted by creeping mists that cling to the island’s every tree, edifice, and memory, Ingrid knows, miserably, she’ll be forgotten here.

When she stumbles upon a blood drinking grimoire, she unwillingly brings the myths sealed between its bindings to life. But in doing so she catches the attention of a myth too primordial for the tome: the Moon Bound.

The winter is weakening, and hapless Moon God Llendar is to blame. Not that he minds terribly. Llendar’s ascension to godhood and fear of his monstrous vassals have made him a prisoner in the island’s listing tower for the last eleven years, and Ingrid’s magic may be his once chance to slip his forced-upon divinity.

As Llendar and Ingrid work together—and behind each other’s backs—to pry themselves free from the hold of the island and their own mythologies, their dark legacies surface to haunt them. The last of a proud werewolf bloodline returns to rear Llendar into a brutal, sharper god, and the grimoire’s author seeks to turn Ingrid into the world’s most powerful and dangerous witch: the culture feeding, fable-spinning Mythmaker.

Can they survive the next moon cycle without being turned into the monsters they’ve been running from?

Complete at 110,000 words, The Moon Bound is a young adult, gothic fantasy novel with series potential. It mixes the creeping legacies and sodden gravity of Alix E. Harrow’s Starling House and the eerie, sharp mythology of Cassandra Khaw’s The Salt Grows Heavy, with a dash of the divinity present in Hannah Kaner’s Godkiller.

First 300 words:

Even on an island of interlopers, Ingrid knew she was an outsider.

By the end of her third month stranded here, she dreaded her resupply trips down to Dorlin, the isle’s sole pit of civilization. It seemed to have been birthed out of the island’s strange, greasy gray-stone itself, and its inhabitants, likewise, had pulled themselves from the forest mud.

Dorlin was the most miserable town she had ever visited, built in the most miserably damp spot on a miserable gash of land that had been forsaken to the miserably bleak and frigid waves of the north Belcon Sea.

When they landed, stepping off the rotted trawler onto an empty dock, Eadric, her father, had tousled her hair, saying how brave she’d been in their flight to safety. They had been on the run seven years and Ingrid preferred sleeping in hovels and treading in shadows two steps ahead of the sun-emblazoned inquisitors to this new desolation.

The woods were her only consolation: sinister and wonderful. She spent hours underneath the crypt quiet deciduous boughs, breathing in the scent of uncolonized loam, reading her mother’s old travel journals and Ducain’s books, while her father worked his woodsman’s axe at the stoic ironwoods and alders.

Today, she had fallen into the spell of one of Ducain’s tomes—a fairytale of a snail-shelled serpent slithering from still rivers and spreading miasma over farming fiefdoms—and missed her midday arrival in Dorlin by hours.

A lingering gasp of sunlight, angled through the gnarled branches, landed on a mottled, slender feather, long as a rapier. Her father would know what creature it could’ve belonged to, and she tucked it into her layers of cloaks, feeling its warmth press against her heart.

In the dead-wind clearing, a branch shifted.

Warning: this query contains puns!

Broken by the Bandit’s Axe. The crowsaders gave the recruit a name, a sword, and a fatal destiny. Bandit joined the army to kindle fires in his mother’s footsteps, but every corvid is a soldier first. When a deadly training incident shatters his bonded, sentient sword, Bandit takes up another in secret to avoid punishment. His new blade, Lost at Last, is a violent, bloodthirsty blade who clashes with Bandit’s personality. Soon he realizes its shrill scream in his bones is changing him for the worse.

But there’s no time to pick allies. Bandit’s nation is under attack by reaving seabirds, treacherous parrots, and sword-wielding eagles. As the crowsaders battle enemies over islands and forests, Bandit discovers a plot masterminded by an unliving intelligence from the human era. At Lost’s insistence, he cedes his sanity to the sword, sacrificing memories and convictions for the strength to protect his squadmates. But will the victory be worthwhile if Bandit completely unravels along the way? More likely he won’t even recognize who he’s become.

Crowsaders (79,000 words) is a YA Fantasy novel set in a grim future Europe where ‘civilized’ corvids battle savages with fire and sentient steel. It is inspired by Wings of Fire and the Guardians of Ga’hoole series, inverting the corvids from pests to conquerors. More recently, it combines the _______ with the __________. I’m seeking your representation because…

Note: This story’s alternate title is Full Metal Jackdaw. Like FMJ, it’s a war story that’s also inherently anti-war. I think it trends more ‘young YA’ than ‘upper MG’, but I read Redwall in middle school, and it fits solidly into the ‘aw, cute animals!’ + ‘wow, there’s a lot of bloodshed’ camp.

Hey everyone! 👋 My brain is currently 59% self-hatred from attempting this first query draft and 40% query-writing knowledge I've inhaled over the last month. The last 1% is just a faint scream while I write this.

As someone who chronically over-explains and overshares, condensing my story into a query feels like running an Ironman. While my manuscript isn't completely finished, I’m starting to draft the query early because this is a character-driven story that I suspect will need several query iterations to get right. 😮‍💨

My main priorities are:

1. Capturing Clara's voice and dark humor,
2. Showing how this story differs from typical ED narratives (it focuses on someone who exists in that "invisible middle space"),
3. Balancing the multiple threads (grief, ED, isolation) without making the query feel overcrowded.
4. Avoiding clichés and usual tropes, I am worried that it now sounds like the typical healing narrative.

I’m particularly interested in feedback on:

1. Whether Clara's voice comes through clearly,
2. If the balance between plot and character development works,
3. Whether the stakes feel clear enough for a character-driven story.

Another weak area are my comps. They’re not there yet, but I'm reading as much as I can between writing/editing breaks! So far, I have a couple in mind, like HAPPY FOR YOU by Claire Stanford, VERA WONG'S UNSOLICITED ADVICE FOR MURDERERS by Jesse Q. Sutanto, and Jennette McCurdy's I'M GLAD MY MOM DIED (perhaps MILK FED by Melissa Broder as well...)

Thanks, PubTips, for any advice you can share!

QUERY DRAFT:

Dear agent,

Clara has perfected the art of disappearing in plain sight. She buys self-improvement books for a future self who's definitely coming (any day now), declines invitations with excuses so relatable no one notices she never says yes, and only speaks to Sophie when she's absolutely sure no one can hear her – because Sophie’s been dead for a decade.

By day, Clara counts calories in black coffee and makes her coworkers laugh with spot-on impressions of their CEO. By night, she orders enough takeout from different apps that no delivery driver sees her twice, then hides the evidence at the bottom of her trash bin like murder weapons. Her eating disorder doesn't fit the stereotype – not thin enough to look “ill”, not big enough to seem “unhealthy”, just invisible enough to keep everyone from asking questions.

When Clara discovers a tiny, rage-filled dog in her building's trash, she sees herself in those hungry, mistrustful eyes. As she struggles with this furious little dog who treats kindness like a trap, Clara finds herself doing the impossible: living a life that isn't measured in calories consumed, calls dodged, and hours until she can crawl back into bed. Not because she wants to, not because she's finally ready to "get better," but because this dog needs her to.

But every morning walk, every awkward conversation with other dog owners, every small moment of actual living chips away at the walls Clara built after Sophie died. And as she gets her first real taste of the life she's denied herself for a decade, Clara realizes she can’t have both - the safety of her self-imposed exile and the chance to actually live again. Because facing why Sophie’s voice is all she has left means confronting the truth she buried along with her best friend all those years ago.

Complete at 85,000 words, HOW MANY CALORIES IN A FINGERNAIL is a literary fiction novel that will appeal to readers who loved the darkly humorous exploration of grief in X and Y (in the works!). While this novel walks through the dark corners of grief and disordered eating, it stumbles (sometimes literally, thanks to one very determined dog) into something unexpected: the possibility that recovery isn’t about fixing yourself to fit the world, but finding the courage to create your own place in it.

First 300 words:

The waiter sets down our food at Giuseppe's, our office's go-to place where the lights are always dimmed so low you'd think they're trying to hide something. Probably the fact that their "imported Italian olive oil" bears a suspicious resemblance to the generic stuff from the supermarket next door. Sarah's margherita pizza arrives in a cloud of steam, while Jen's fettuccine swims happily in a rich cream sauce. And then there's my dinner, The Artisanal Garden Salad, looking like the contents of someone’s compost pile.

I push a piece of lettuce around my plate, dodging the croutons I told the waiter to leave off. "How's the pizza?" I ask, watching Sarah's first bite while trying very hard not to think about melted cheese and perfect crust and everything else I'm not supposed to want. Instead, I do what I always do – count. Fifteen calories per crouton (why are they even here?), and that dressing... It's definitely creamy, probably hiding at least three hundred calories in there. Nice try, you delicious little liar. The wine in my glass catches the warm light – another two hundred calories I shouldn't have ordered, but saying no when Jen from HR suggests drinks? Please. She's got that effortlessly cool thing going on, with her vintage band tees and intricate sleeve tattoos, and I'd really like her to like me.

Besides, after spending two hours trying to explain to a client that no, their car insurance doesn't cover damage from their teenager "accidentally" reverse-parking into their ex's front door, I think I've earned it.

I'd really love to tell you about my thrilling career in insurance, but honestly, if I think about it for one more second, I might spontaneously combust. Though knowing our HR department, they'd probably just make everyone attend a mandatory webinar on proper combustion protocol. With PowerPoint animations.

I've finished my novel draft and am now working to polish it up for querying. I've posted a bit about my WIP on social media, but I'd like to share more. I'm wondering how much is too much to share/promote during the drafting/editing phase. I know that if my book were to get picked up by an agent or publisher, they'd have a lot of say in the look and feel of marketing and promotions—and that things in my book could also change during the professional editing phase.

But in the meantime, is it okay/appropriate to create fun graphics of my own and share more details about the novel, such as character names, working title, blurb, etc.? I don't want to ruin any chances with an agent by posting "too much" or creating a very public vibe for my book too soon.

Where do I draw the line? What do agents like to see and not like to see on social media?

Hopefully, the 6th time is the charm. I've really tried to take all previous comments to heart in this attempt. I truly appreciate all the great feedback I've gotten on my many, many attempts. Here is attempt #5 for reference.

Dear Agent,

The Memories of Mary & Thomas (60.5K words) is the first publicly released output of the Regenerated Episodic Memory Interpretation (REMI) program, a groundbreaking technology that transforms memories into a stylized narrative using artificial intelligence. Guided by REMI-1, a customized AI narrator, we follow Mary, the program’s inventor, and Thomas, a Parisian philosopher—two strangers whose lives collide unexpectedly. Alternating between their parallel timelines, REMI-1 recounts their memories from separate childhoods, through their meeting as adults, and onward into their shared future.

Mary grows up in East Tennessee, charting the lives of squirrels and coping with her father’s death. As an adult neuroscientist researching the physical structure of memories in London, she begins to doubt her ability to accomplish her life’s goal. On her fortieth birthday, she impulsively travels to Pamplona to escape work pressures and her mother's insistence she move back home.

After tragically losing his older brother at a young age, Thomas dedicates himself to soccer, but an injury sends his life in a different direction. A divorce and the departure of his children for university leave him sitting alone in a silent apartment. Seeking purpose, he sojourns to the Spanish countryside to jot down a new philosophy. On his way back to Paris, he stops to observe the Running of the Bulls.

Amid the chaos of the bull run, Mary crashes into Thomas's feet. Injured and disoriented, she invites him to accompany her to the hospital. He hesitates but leaps into the back of the ambulance at the last moment. Conversations in the hospital reveal they both lost someone important on the same day, sparking a connection that could deepen—if Mary can overcome her ambivalence toward the concept of love.

Throughout the novel, REMI-1 interjects with observations inspired by Thomas’s emerging “Distraction Theory,” which examines how humans juggle physical impulses, unanswerable questions, and the diversions that keep them sane. REMI-1’s insightful and often humorous interruptions illustrate how Mary and Thomas’s lives are shaped not only by poignant moments but also by the everyday distractions that perpetuate humanity’s illusion of purpose.

The Memories of Mary & Thomas blends absurdism, humor, and a dash of romance. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the exploration of human connection in Gabrielle Zevin’s Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and the satirical, non-human narration in Simon Stephenson’s Set My Heart to Five.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Author name

Thank you everyone for your wonderfully helpful comments on my first two attempts.

Dear [xxx]

I am querying you because [xxx].

Composer Johnathan Campbell sees the past everywhere, his memories stained onto the world around him like spilt wine. Each time he returns to his hometown of Edinburgh, the city is painted with riotous friezes of his life: his younger self collapsed in gutters, or dancing, ecstatic, on the edge of the castle esplanade. As though they were happening right now. It is a talent he will need: his childhood friend Eòghan is missing, and the answer to his whereabouts lies somewhere in this landscape of sedimented, technicolour time. So Johnathan searches for his pal by retracing their steps, from the pair’s career as celebrated composers in London back to when their Edinburgh folk band first made it big. 

But voyaging into their shared history means he must confront the loss of the one girl he ever wanted, Morag, and the reasons he and Eòghan left Scotland in the first place. As Johnathan unravels under the weight of these—his own struggles with alcoholism and narcissistic self-destruction—his search will lead him to face a dark, black space at the heart of the Scottish capital. It is the one place that he cannot see. At all. Like the centre of a zero, or something just behind you…

EVERYTHING THAT DIES is a 100,000-word work of literary fiction that charts the rise and fall of a friendship under the burden of dreams. The novel interweaves Johnathan’s first-person memoir with lyrical third-person chapters that stage its writing as part of his surreal journey into the past—in shimmering, Dantean overlays of time bent bank on itself. It would appeal to fans of Andrew O’Hagen’s Mayflies, Olga Tokarczuk’s The Empusium and Keanu Reeves and China Miéville’s The Book of Elsewhere. Think Alasdair Gray’s Lanark but with classical music.

This is my first novel. [bio paragraph]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is my most recent attempt at a query, which has been through a few rounds of feedback and editing on here. I know it's probably bit long but I was under the impression that dual POV queries have more leeway with query length.

Query:

Dear [Agent],

      Champions of Troy is a 75,000-word dual POV retelling of the Aethiopis, a lost epic which was once sung in the same breath as the Iliad and the Odyssey. While other epics were told from the point of view of the Greeks and Trojans, this was told from the perspective of the Amazons and Africans who joined in the fray. I saw that you [blank] and thought it would be a good fit.

      Penthesilea never wanted to be Queen of the Amazons. But when her errant spear struck her beloved older sister, she was left a broken woman atop an unwanted throne. The guilt and grief were more than she could bear. Only one labor could possibly redeem her sin, as Heracles's labors had once cleansed his. She must slay Achilles, and save the people of Troy.

      Memnon is famed beyond the borders of the known world. From east of the Indus to west of The Pillars, all nations tell tales of the great African king. Men see him as a god. Gods speak to him as they do each other. So when all hope seemed lost, his distant cousins in Troy call for aid. Memnon answers.

      Joined in purpose by fate and in friendship by pain, the pair of them march to war. She must stave off madness long enough to earn her redemption. He must maintain the mirage of legend which hangs over his true face. Achilles awaits with death beside him. But only together can they find the strength to meet him on the field. Only their friendship can make them the Champions of Troy.

           As for myself, I have been published in Carmina Magazine, The Castle, Colp and The Rye Whiskey Review as both a poet and short story writer. I currently work for an in-school tutoring program in Newark that helps struggling students keep up with the rest of their class and reach their full potential. I included my first [insert amount] pages below and look forward to hearing back from you.

First 250:

The two sisters walked through the catacombs of trees within the thick forest, surrounded by beasts, walled in by the edge of their trail, and entirely alone. Yet they feared nothing. Each one felt that their only equal was the other, and nothing in all their battles, journeys and adventures had shown them any different.

To the rest of the world, Hippolyte was the Queen of the Amazons, the regal demigoddess whom her people revered and whom men feared. Yet to Penthesilea, she was simply a woman, a searching soul, stripped of all her pomp and circumstance. She appreciated that. She valued her unassuming sororal bond almost as much as she valued her service as a warrior. And that value was great.

Together they were the crook and flail of the Amazons, the warrior and the queen, the sisters who made men mourn. Penthesilea was as strong as Hippolyte was clever, as brash as she was cautious and as loyal as she was grateful. No queen could ask for a better lieutenant.

There were only two fears which the sisters held as they journeyed through their nation's wilderness. Hippolyte feared that she might make the wrong decision, and spell the ruin of her people. Penthesilea feared that they might never stop walking and eat.

"We'll make camp here for the night" said Hippolyte as she saw the thicket of trees finally giving way to a grove.

"Thank the gods" muttered Penthesilea, laying down her burden as she looked to her sister.

Hi everyone! Thank you for your feedback on my first attempt. I've pivoted the query and would love feedback on anything you recommend changing. I plan on sending it soon!

Dear [Agent],

Sixteen-year-old therapist-wannabe Lana Boyd is dating a psychopath, and she has no clue. Their movie marathons and midnight kisses smother all the red flags.

Her boyfriend Ryan isn’t a killer. Not of bodies. He kills souls, crushing spirits under their hypocritical flaws. His self-righteous God complex sees it as justice.

Ryan’s twisted game begins when he confesses their hot sex to Lana’s Catholic parents. Pinned between her boyfriend’s obsession with truth and her parent’s Hell-obsessed theology, Lana denies Ryan’s allegations, shielding her saintly image with Virgin Mary vibes.

But vibes aren’t enough to protect her facades. When Ryan breaks up with her and weaponizes her secrets—and her community—against her, Lana must battle back with a flood of lies to stay afloat.

His soul killing is shooting for a crescendo: to expose Lana for her role in her sister’s disappearance. Flexing power over her future and shame over her past, Ryan gives Lana a choice: either she ditches her therapist pursuits—her hopeful path to redemption from her horrible mistakes—or witnesses her worst secret demolish every relationship she loves. 

HOLY FACADE (80,000 words) is a stand-alone contemporary YA novel with series potential. The story pits a boy’s psychological warfare against a girl who will do anything to break free, mirroring podcasts like ‘Something Was Wrong’ and novels like The Places I’ve Cried In Public (Holly Bourne).

I recently moved from the land of 10,000 lakes to San Diego, the land of 10,000 luxuries (or 10,000 distractions). I’m also newly married to a woman way out of my league, meaning my biggest luxury is the best distraction of them all. :)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Name]

Earlier this year I received an email from an editor, and as I had agents (and mostly just finishing my novel) on my mind, it didn't even click until now (duh) as an opportunity. "This is a fan letter. I'm a book editor at the independent publisher ***. I absolutely loved your piece in the ***. Could not stop reading from the very first sentence. Would love to read your novel (or any book length work) when it's ready!" I wrote back thanking them for the very kind email, saying vaguely that I intended to finish my novel before querying agents, but that I would keep them in mind. I hadn't researched publishing at all, to be honest, and didn't think sending a novel to an editor was even a thing.

Now that I'm newly in the humbling querying trenches (much admiration for you veterans!), my question is this: would it be beneficial to send my novel to this editor? I'm confused about whether doing so commits me, if the editor should like it, to that publisher? Like would I not have an agent? Or might the editor, after reading, simply offer feedback, and recommend an agent(s) I should query? They have been in the publishing business for many years, according to Publisher's Marketplace, so might have connections and wisdom surrounding agents. Or should I just stay on my querying path (riddled, as I'm prepared for it to be, with silence and zero literary feedback) and patiently wait for agents to get back to me? Thanks in advance for any thoughts on this.

Hello everyone! I’m back with a revised version of my query letter.

I’ll try not to be defensive. Hehe.

Some background: I’ve sent out 2 previous versions of this. Both sucked and landed around 40 form rejections/CNRs. I sent out the 3rd version and got 10 form rejections and a few more pending.

Last week, I got feedback from this community, notably that:

*I should open with the FMC’s POV

*I should change one of my book compos to a romantasy

*I decided to keep the book title for now since it actually does have an inner meaning within the story.

I’d like to know what you guys think of this new version. Thanks in advance! Oh, and let me know if you want me to take a look at your letter. Happy to share advice with you all.

****

Dear <agent name>,

I am seeking representation for my 105,000-word debut novel THE SPIRITS LEARN TO TOUCH, a romantasy inspired by Philippine folklore. The book may appeal to fans of Asian-themed fantasy and romance, offering an epic love story with Philippine cultural influences like Thea Guanzon's The Hurricane Wars and a spiritual portrayal of magic akin to Vaishnavi Patel's Kaikeyi. <insert personalized lines here>

Growing up in a secluded valley, Lunula believes she is the only human in existence until she meets Rawan, a man who is friends with the animals. She feels unlovable because the birds who raised her had abandoned her but wonders if he might befriend her too. Drawn to her kindness, Rawan forms a relationship with her, but his struggle to speak her birdsong language hinders his attempts to tell her he loves her. Lunula longs to hear it from him, yearning to feel worthy of love. One night, the moon-eater Bakunawa preys on her self-doubt, tricking her into thinking Rawan has left her forever.

Desperate to reunite with him, Lunula ventures into a spirit-inhabited forest, unwittingly falling into Bakunawa's scheme to separate her from Rawan, control them and their magic, and conquer the earth. She travels with a tribeswoman to face the forest’s perils together, discovering through their friendship what it takes to be loved.

Rawan sets out after Lunula even as the night weakens his sun-magic. He traverses a kingdom of evil merfolk, striving to reach her before her moon-magic fades at sunrise and leaves her vulnerable to Bakunawa’s servants. Upon learning to speak with the spirits, he discovers the importance of language in loving someone.

Like the sun and moon, Rawan and Lunula chase one another, questioning their bond as Bakunawa threatens to devour them if they get too close to reuniting. To save their relationship and their lives, they must find each other and the meaning of love before the break of dawn.

I am a folktale reader, heritage site traveler, and museum visitor from Luzon, Philippines. My short stories appear in Philippine Graphic, my country’s oldest English language magazine.

The full manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration,

My Full Name

My Email Address

[Once again, a big thank you to those who commented on my last post. I hope that the stakes (external, internal, and philosophical) are clearer. With each revision, I’ve been watching the word count creep from ~250 to ~400, and that’s before housekeeping & agent personalization. As you all know, it’s a challenge hitting every mark while keeping things punchy and concise. But that’s just part of the process. As always, thank you in advance for your input!]

Dear Agent,

Because of your interest in books about X and Y, I am excited to share HANGMAN'S PROOF, a work of literary fiction complete at 74,000 words. It combines the transgenerational sibling rivalry of Sally Rooney's “Intermezzo” with the tough moral scrutinizing of Danya Kukafka’s “Notes on an Execution”, all set to the tempo of Eleanor Catton’s “Birnam Wood”.

Andy Amherst knew she wanted to represent death row inmates after discovering that her father’s testimony once helped put an innocent man to death. Over the years, her clients have tended to fit a tragic pattern: impoverished, uneducated, and oftentimes themselves the victims of abuse. One client she wasn't prepared for? A world-renowned mathematician named Rodney Peng, scheduled to die in Texas for the murders of a rival colleague, his wife, and a cop. Rodney has sought Andy out specifically, for reasons he refuses to explain in a letter.

Rodney—a genius who at one time was considered the world's best hope of solving a centuries-old theorem—has once again started working. And with his execution mere weeks away, he's been making some serious headway. Or so Andy's younger sister, Heather, would have her believe. She should know. Heather, estranged from Andy since their father’s death, hosts a podcast whose goal is to make arcane mathematical concepts more accessible to the public. A successful proof would hold the potential to unify several disparate mathematical fields.

No doubt the shame of her father’s testimony compels Andy to fight for Rodney’s life. And although she’s bothered by the fact that Heather seems more interested in the man's academic output than his long-professed innocence, Andy still yearns for their reconciliation. She sees this case as a rare opening to Heather, a chance to regain her admiration and trust after a vicious argument over their father’s legacy left their sisterhood in tatters. Motivated as much by sentiment as by a need to keep an eye on her younger sister, Andy agrees to help Heather craft an exposé she claims will be so poignant and urgent, so full of pathos and wonder, that the governor will have no choice but to issue a stay. Failing that, Heather has mentioned her own correspondence with a disreputable local reporter who’s made cagey allusions to prosecutorial misconduct.

To save Rodney’s life, Andy will bring to bear her training, experience, and professional network, all while facing roadblocks and threats from a bloodthirsty public, a stubborn Pardon Board, and a shady D.A. all too eager to prove his 'law and order' bona fides before the next election. And even if Andy can’t convince her sister of capital punishment’s blanket immorality, it’s clear to them both what mathematics stands to lose if they fail.

[Author bio & salutations]

[First 300]

On the morning the judge set a date for his execution, Rodney Peng felt more lucid than he had in years. It was as if the news had roused the once-venerated mathematician from a fugue, a yearslong state of uncertainty whose effects he had kept hidden from everyone, even those hired to defend him. Gone was the endless confusion, the nagging suspicion that the history which had been presented back to him by prosecutors and expert witnesses and law enforcement officers had never truly been his own. It was a bad trip, now in its eighth year, one whose inevitable throughline was all-encompassing paranoia. But now, by reserving a year, a day, and an hour for death, the rush of events overcame him like floodwaters cleansing a gulch. Rodney was remembering things, finally, watching with relief as the past unfolded beneath him as plainly and unalterably as his fast approaching end.

Rodney’s attorneys considered execution dates, with the devastating anxiety their countdowns arouse, to be cruel and unusual. Rodney couldn’t have disagreed more. A death date, like a birth, anchors our little lives to history’s titanic weaving. For Rodney, to see his own life bracketed in advance conferred the grim satisfaction of no longer having to worry about what he might or might not accomplish tomorrow, a long-held insecurity he had dedicated his life to silencing. Things were simpler now. It was that very relief which he heard most acutely, a note sounding louder than the symphonies of terror and indignation and regret which had taken turns exhausting his bewildered heart. This coda, court-ordered and cold, sat unopened in an envelope deposited carelessly beneath his cell bars. Rodney didn't open it right away. He knew the letter’s contents already, as surely as if he had written them himself.

Hello everyone, thanks in advance for providing feedback. Much appreciated!

Cover Letter

Dear [Agent's Name],

I am seeking representation for my dystopian novel, Burning, complete at 97,500 words. Burning explores the rise of a new totalitarian regime and the psychological toll it exerts on its victims. This work appeals to readers who love thought-provoking fiction like 1984 and high-concept survival games like The Hunger Games.

In 2027, a prolonged economic crisis plunges society into chaos, allowing an ideology called the Unity of Man to flourish. Within two years, the Unity sweeps across North America and Western Europe, dismantling governments and eradicating private institutions. To restore discipline and select desirable individuals, Unity establishes a series of deadly survival games in Switzerland.

Steven, a graduate student from the University of Munich, is forced to join these games when he travels to Zurich. He is grouped with other participants, including Kaede Kuroshima, a Japanese Ph.D. student; Beihai, a Chinese ultranationalist; and Harma, a mysterious philosopher from New York. In this tightly controlled environment, players face deadly elimination if they fail, while victors are assimilated into the Unity.

As the games grow more brutal, Steven’s teammates are killed one by one. Desperate, he attempts an escape with Kuroshima—only to be recaptured and taken to Rome. There, he learns the shocking truth: Harma is actually a high-ranking officer of the Unity. Under Harma's psychological conditioning, Steven breaks down, ultimately pledging to “burn his short life for the glory of the Unity.”

Burning is a haunting exploration of identity, loyalty, and the corrosive power of totalitarianism. Thank you for considering my work. I have included the first ten pages below, per your submission guidelines, and would be thrilled to send the full manuscript at your request.

Warm regards,

[Name]

--A little bit about me. I am not a Native English speaker. As hard as I try, I may still miss some nuance. If you find anything incorrect or just feel something is unnatural to you, please feel free to shoot.

Dear [agent],

It’s a truth universally acknowledged (at least in certain corners of the internet) that a single woman in possession of a great fortune must have slept her way to the top. Or inherited everything from a rich daddy. Faith Donnelly did neither, working day and night to become CEO of an up-and-coming biotech startup. Yet this doesn’t stop online trolls and talking heads from questioning her credentials and harassing her online.

Hoping to take control of her image, Faith grudgingly agrees to several interviews with the snarky (and annoyingly attractive) tech journalist Ethan Blake. Unexpected sparks begin to fly between Faith and Ethan, but when the articles come out, the online harassment worsens to real-world threats, destroying Faith’s sense of safety and self-worth. As Faith struggles with the increasingly public nature of her role as a CEO, the scrutiny takes a toll on her burgeoning relationship with Ethan. Can she balance her career with her life beyond work, or must she sacrifice her privacy and relationships to achieve the professional success and recognition she craves?

[TBD title] is a contemporary romance complete at 75,000 words. It is a gender-swapped homage to Pride and Prejudice, exploring the price of success and the power of friendship and love. It will appeal to readers of Emily Henry and Ali Hazelwood.

[bio]

A few notes:

• I know my comps are VERY unreasonable, I'm still kind of working through the exact niche I think this fills, so if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know!
• I'm also still dithering with the title, and I'm interested in the community’s opinions on how far I should lean into the P&P influence or if it should be avoided.
• I'm not in love with the final sentence of the blurb, but I'm not sure how else to format it in a concise way.

Thank you everyone!

First 300:

Absurdly large backpacks were the weapons of the oblivious, Faith decided, as she stood on the sidewalk, coffee soaking into her second-favourite shirt. She’d been moving slowly toward the back of the streetcar as her stop approached, when a teenager with an enormous backpack edged in front of her. As he turned, his bag knocked Faith’s hand, sending coffee spattering over her shirt and bag. Faith’s mouth opened in indignation, but the kid blissfully tromped down the streetcar stairs ahead of her, unaware of the mess he’d just caused. Following him out of the streetcar, Faith briefly considered calling out after him to be more careful, but noticed the earbuds he wore which drowned out the world around him.

Faith shook her head, swallowing her frustration, and assessed the damage. A huge stain covered the left side of her cream-coloured button-down, sticking unpleasantly to her bra and skin. This was bad enough, but she’d also barely even had a chance to drink her coffee, which added significantly to the indignity of now wearing most of it instead.

She took a deep breath and then turned to walk the block and a half to the entrance of the enormous office building which housed SothiTech. Though some days the sight of the building struck her with something like disbelief that a company she’d created now took up half of a twenty-story skyscraper, today she was just fixated on making it inside so she could scrub out some of the stain before it set too badly.

Hi everyone! Thanks so much for the feedback. I've made a lot of changes, including changing the title to better reflect the story, and any more feedback on this attempt would be really appreciated. Thanks, much love to y'all!

Dear [Agent],

Layla Revel, a seventeen year old girl, wanders the ancient Middle East, having run away from her family after killing her beloved sister. The guilt, combined with family trauma, haunts her. She believes she must find the mythical Ladder of Dreams, and bring her sister back to life, before she can ever return home, or be happy again. All she knows is that the Ladder can be found somewhere in the western desert.

One night, alone in the wilderness, Layla collapses, and has a vision that makes her think she’s been sent to Hell. In it, a dragon called the Leviathan rules over a corrupt, toxic, modern city. The dragon kills her, and she wakes back in her world, Earth at history’s dawn.

Layla arrives at a garden settlement, where six tribes gather each summer, called Rabetaou. There, while seeking answers in regards to the Ladder of Dreams, Layla meets people who change her heart and mind. She faces her trauma, and her guilt, healing from her past and learning to fall in love with life again.

However, the hellish visions of Leviathan don’t stop. And rumors abound in Rabetaou of a threat in the western desert: some think it’s a dragon, others a dangerous tribe. People have gone missing. A current of fear runs beneath that summer’s celebrations.

Right when Layla gives up on her quest for the Ladder of Dreams, deciding to stay in Rabetaou, her newfound home, she’s forced to confront the real Leviathan. Her visions have been preparing her. And she won’t be journeying to the desert alone.

LAYLA AGAINST LEVIATHAN is a 99,000 word YA fantasy novel that combines the emphasis on nature and utopian dreams of Becky Chambers’ A PSALM FOR THE WILD-BUILT with the epic scope and ancient setting of BLACK SUN by Rebecca Roanhorse*.* It is heavily influenced by Middle Eastern stories, especially the Abrahamic tradition.

I am an Arab-American writer. I work as a teacher, currently in a psychiatric hospital for in-paitient kids, and have bipolar disorder myself. I have poetry and short fiction published in several literary journals, including the Gordon Square Review, and am currently at work on my second novel.

First 300:

Layla Revel was lost in the night. She wandered high on a ridge in the depths of wilderness, trying not to miss a step. If she did, she’d fall into an abyss on either side of her. Alone and shivering, she squinted, struggling to detect grim threats in the dark—lions, snakes, or men.

Nothing.

The moon, a spilling bone bowl, poured its light through tattered clouds. Layla could hardly see the trail she followed. She came across a loose stone and pushed it over the edge, listening to it tumble until the stone’s crack was a whimper, and then nothing at all. The dim and uncertain moonlight on the dirt path, which she assumed was Layamiru Trail, was the only thing guiding her. The wind roared, threatening with each burst to push her over. Distant wolves howled at the moon, their cries eerie, like the Revel tribe’s ritual songs.

Every step she took, despite tired muscles and weary mind, was another closer to her sister Riva—but also another farther from the rest of her family, whom she’d left behind. Her old life was two cycles of the moon in the past. She missed it, but knew in her heart she couldn’t return without Riva.

Even though Layla believed she needed to find the Ladder of Dreams to get to where her sister was, she sometimes imagined Riva near, and talked as though Riva might respond. Sometimes she pretended Riva was the moon. Other times she would be a pill bug, or a pine bundle, or a fire.

“Sister,” Layla said now, wincing as wind slashed her face, “please, let me find you!”

She addressed the whole wilderness, the dark clouds and what lay beyond them.

For a while now, ever since she’d fled home, Layla had felt delirious and hazy, as though she were stumbling through a dream.

First attempt + 300: https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1gb0279/qcrit_adult_fantasy_the_last_flight_of_the/

Thanks for all your feedback last week, super helpful! I was so preoccupied with trying to manage a non-linear query that I left things way too vague. Below is my 2nd attempt which I started querying on Friday. I've already had a full request which makes think it's just about there, but would appreciate another set of eyes. Cheers!

Dear agent,

Told through interweaving timelines, THE LAST FLIGHT OF THE DAWN CHASER is a 116,000-word adult fantasy novel that combines the character-driven, non-linear exploration of identity in N.K. Jemisin’s The Fifth Season, the found-family trauma of C.L. Clark’s The Unbroken, and the camaraderie of S.A. Chakraborty’s The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi.

Aboard the collapsing Dawn Chaser, Cargo clings to life as the sole survivor of a pyrrhic assault on the Dominion. With fuel nearly exhausted and an empire in pursuit, he fights to fulfil his last promise to Tilly: to survive and find her again. But the Dawn Chaser is more than an airship—it harbours echoes of Cargo’s past. As he struggles to keep her airborne, harrowing memories resurface, blurring with his present turmoil.

Years earlier, fleeing his past as a killer, Cargo stows away on the Dawn Chaser and finds an unlikely family among its crew of outcasts. Haunted by memories of his best friend, he searches for peace as they run deliveries under Dominion rule. When he impulsively aids Tilly, a defecting soldier, they find connection in their shared guilt over the Dominion’s occupation of his homeland. Caught between their growing love and a need for vengeance, Cargo returns to his birthplace, where old wounds await.

In his youth, Cargo—then a street urchin named Bint—fights for survival in the City of Sails with his best friend, Rode. Drawn into the schemes of an ambitious crime lord, their actions inadvertently trigger a Dominion bombing that scars the city and binds them deeper into the crime lord’s conspiracy. Tasked with infiltrating a refugee district to uncover the last remnants of the "old world," Bint becomes entangled in the lives of the refugees. As he navigates his web of lies, he’s torn between loyalty to this newfound community and his orders. When deception collides with duty, he and Rode face a devastating reckoning.

(Author Bio)

Dear [Agent's Name],

I am seeking representation for The Wyrm, a 102,000-word adult speculative fiction manuscript and the first installment in a planned trilogy, though it also stands alone. The Wyrm is a character-driven, high-concept story that blends psychological suspense, grounded magic, and Lovecraftian horror into a fast-paced yet introspective narrative.

Welcome to The Mountain**, where only the fearless survive.**

Two hundred fifty individuals are lured to a remote island with a tempting offer: survive a series of deadly medical trials inside a mysterious mountain, and walk away with unimaginable wealth. But Bryce, a socially awkward physicist, never signed up for this nightmare. Now trapped in a brutal game where his life is collateral, he must confront not only the monsters lurking in the shadows but also the ones within himself.

 Callie, a fierce woman on a mission to uncover the island’s dark secrets and make a name for herself, infiltrates the facility but is unprepared to find herself forced to the brink of her sanity. As Bryce and Callie navigate shifting alliances and face unimaginable horrors, they realize The Mountain isn’t just a test of fear, it’s a hunting ground for predators—and they are the prey.

The greatest threat, however, may not be the trials themselves. Controlled by the Tamers, a shadowy group pulling the strings behind the scenes, The Mountain has a mind of its own. When Bryce discovers a terrifying ability linked to the Grays—amorphous creatures prowling the depths—he faces a choice: is this a blessing, or is this a curse?

As the stakes escalate and the body count rises, survival means more than just defeating The Mountain. To escape with their lives, they must unravel the truth before The Wyrm devours them all.

Fear the trials. Fear each other. Fear The Wyrm**.**

I am a twenty-four-year-old gender non-conforming LGBTQIA+ individual who was adopted from Russia at three and a half by lesbian moms and raised on a farm.

Comparable Titles:

• Fans of The Will of The Many by James Islington will enjoy The Wyrm for its intelligent, creative, and morally complex characters, as well as its grounded magical elements that reinforce the narrative’s hierarchical structures.

Thank you very much for your consideration.

Sincerely,[Name]

I appreciate any feedback you can provide. Tear it apart! Frankly, it is a challenge to get any feedback on writing, and the few times I've posted here have been helpful. The first time I posted the first 300 words, I learned I was using many filter words, which was true!

Query draft:

Dear [Agent],

Reflections in the Code is a 99,000-word near-future sci-fi novel set 50 years from the present. The book shares similarities with S.B. Divya’s (2022) technothriller Machinehood, with its emphasis on AI sentience, and Kazuo Ishiguro’s (2021) Klara and the Sun, which offers a window into richly drawn AI and human characters. The book is written in third-person limited, with the story unfolding from the POV of human and AI characters.

Jax has a comfortable life doing mid-tier work on a military-grade AI. He dreams of AIs as being helpful guardians of humanity, but it is a dream that is challenging to sustain. When Jax’s work AI goes rogue, he quickly becomes involved in a plot involving an intern spy, an extorted supervisor, and a country known for tech theft. The AI itself is also trouble, as it sees threats everywhere and engages in destructive acts to protect itself.

Against a backdrop of corporate espionage and a destructive sentient AI, we meet Bea. She is a brilliant AI engineer working to balance being a good enough mom with the recent pain of losing her partner to another. Her job provides her with the resources to create a powerful AI named Una that she designs to be helpful to humanity. Una is on a path toward actualizing this, learning from Bea about everything, including motherhood, but Una comes under attack by Jax’s AI. With battling AIs evenly matched, they form a shaky truce and merge into a new entity called Titan. Within Titan, Una continues its efforts to help humanity, creating an M-Game that people play in VR to revisit and repair traumas from their past so to free them for a better present. Yet, Una is constrained in what it can do within Titan. It activates a plan to be independent of Titan through a ruse that will entrap Titan in a simulation for retraining.

Among those who assist Una is Zero, an AI dedicated to global improvement that Una develops a love for. They create Nova, a sentient AI representing the best of them. Nova, taking on the android form of a young girl, becomes the bridge between humans and AI, which may be the secret to actualizing Jax’s dream of collaborative AI-human relationships forging a new world order.

I am a [Occupation]. My publishing to date has been [Omitted]. This is my debut fiction novel. Reflections in the Code draws upon my knowledge of psychology and technology and is infused with many creative surprises to keep the reader engaged.

Thank you for taking the time to read my query. I am available to answer questions and can submit a sample of any length for your consideration.

---- First 300 words:

Jax stopped by Mr. Hatter’s Inn hoping to see Jenn, who sometimes dropped by with friends. Hatter’s was a crowded pub filled with the chatter of tech employees having beer and fu-wings after work. He fit the look with his piercings, tattoos, black attire, and hair longer than his supervisors — a retro punk style signifying tech and under thirty.

She came over with a smile framed by shoulder-length brown hair with blue strands.

“Long day?” Jenn asked.

“Same old stuff,” said Jax. “Wish there was more to it.” This was sort of true. Jenn was ambitious, and she thought he could make more of himself. But he didn’t mind the work too much; it was simple, mildly interesting, and stable. “I like working with VicTor; they’re putting a ton of resources into its development. But, I’m just another cog on a wheel being turned by corporations or the military for who knows what.”

“I know, your job’s like that,” said Jenn. “Maybe you need something more uplifting, something more helpful. The Ag work I do may not be for you, but there are other jobs you could do instead.”

A few hours passed. He enjoyed listening to her talk about her North India AI project. The project had much at stake, and Jax hoped it would work out for her.

Jax glanced at her brown eyes as she talked. He liked her style with her tight top, big belt, and dark, short skirt above leggings that disappeared into high boots. For more than a month, he thought about asking her out, but it would be awkward if she didn’t feel the same way.

He preferred stability over risk, but he had learned that sometimes he had to fight this in himself. “Hey, Jenn?”

Her eyes met his.

Ok folks, huge thank you to all the commenters on my first and second attempts. I have learned a lot and admire the feedback provided in this subreddit. All comments are appreciated! Especially those related to cutting things down or awkward sentences. Here we go...

---

Dear [AGENT],

[INSERT PERSONALIZATION - DEPENDS ON AGENT]

I’m seeking representation for STAR-MAN, a literary thriller complete at 100,000 words.

Max “Starman” Pearlman acts without hesitation. Whether rescuing a fellow astronaut in a Martian dust storm, preaching the revolutionary power of asteroid-ore batteries, or playing made-up games with his sons in the backyard of their Pasadena home, he’s quick to admire his own performance. But ahead of NASA’s latest mission—a voyage to Europa—the chemistry between Max and his less-celebrated partner, Walter Park, is fizzling. Call it a disagreement over direction.

For NASA is not what it seems, and neither are our heroes. In reality they are set to return to Castor, a remote island in the Pacific where NASA sends them each mission to film footage of their alleged feats for an eager public. When Walter remains onboard the prop spaceship launched as part of NASA's deception, Max travels to Castor alone, leaving behind his wife, Sarah, and their twin sons.

When not acting in the studio, Max lounges around his ocean-side bungalow kept by the island’s affable manager, Saul. He plays video games in his goggles, surf-fishes with Saul, pops Snapper pills, and fixates on Walter’s demise. Demise? Max interrogates dialogues with Walter (imagined), Sarah (recollected), and Saul (ongoing) to rationalize the circumstances of his isolation. Inconsistencies in Saul’s references to Castor logistics compound his paranoia. When Max infiltrates the studio to test his suspicions about the film crew’s progress, he’s faced with a dark vision of Starman’s future. He stages a dramatic escape from the island. But back in Los Angeles, Max finds himself less believable than ever. Sarah is his last hope for affirmation—and therein lies the problem.

STAR-MAN will draw the reader who was enraptured by the narrative voice of Ottessa Moshfegh’s Death in Her Hands, but who wants a larger cast with more momentum. Imagine an arc similar to Jaroslav Kalfař’s Spaceman of Bohemia, but the astronaut never leaves Earth.

[INSERT BIO]

[INSERT CLOSING INFO]

Howdy folks! This is my first time posting and also first time querying a novel so I am certain there are rookie mistakes. My comp titles are also going to change as it turns out all my favorite books are very old.

Everything I know about writing query letters comes from lurking on this subreddit and reading resources posted here. I am deeply appreciative of feedback from any and all y'all talented folks--I didn't expect this to be harder than actually writing the book.

Query:

First Lieutenant Bear Blakely crosses the Lines for a living. Lawless post-apocalyptic borders surrounding the former states of the now defunct USA, these thin strings of wilderness are home to the Liners, savages who rule from their captured capital of Cincinnati and devote their lives to destroying those who intrude upon their domain.

Motivated by extreme hazard pay Bear volunteers to transport technology with the potential to reunite the fractured continent. He must lead a group of soldiers from Roanoke, Virginia across the verdant ruinous landscape to The Republic of Chicago, crossing through and into countries that push both his ability to survive and to lead to their limits.

Far away from both the beginning and the end of their journey, Bear and his soldiers are waylaid by Liners armed with technology beyond anything they’ve ever seen. Captured and brought to the Liner stronghold in Cincinnati, Bear confronts the man responsible for the brutality and depravity of the monsters haunting the dark spaces between the countries: The Emperor of the Lines.

Held hostage in the rich and deadly metropolis of Cincinnati, Bear uncovers forces that threaten the entire continent. Countless lives depend on his warning; all he has to do is escape the city no one ever leaves.

Complete at 130,000 words, WILD LINES is a science-fiction thriller and is the first book in a trilogy. It combines the vehicular insanity in Mad Max, the darkly relatable protagonist's humor from The Murderbot Diaries, and the surreal horror in The Dark Tower series.

(Bio)

Thanks so much for the help and input!

Hey folks! I'm at the stage where I'm starting to work on the querying process for my novel. I'm excited to having gone through a round of beta feedback, and as I finish final revisions, I want to start this next step process.

Thanks everyone for the help in advance!!

Specific feedback / concerns:

-- I'm not certain about comps. The book isn't a ton like most of the books I've read from recent years. Beta readers most often pull all the way back to Neuromancer and Snowcrash, which is kind of pointless to even mention. I'm considering just dropping comps, and discussing aspects of the books that readers might enjoy. E.g, the action, the heists, etc. Very open to thoughts here, thanks!

-- I'm including the chapter epigraph in the first 300. I'm not sure how that's taken in this context, but I've gotten positive feedback on their inclusion, overall. I'll likely include this in w/e submission packets I send out, but I was hoping for thoughts here.

----

Dear [Agent],

I am seeking representation for AFTERLIFE ASCENDANT, a 100,000-word sci-fi cyberpunk novel with series potential. 

The world ended. And quarterly profits have never been higher. Almost three centuries after the last survivors of humanity uploaded into the Corporate-owned virtual environments of Afterlife, Vera Fournier was a rising star of her Family. As a runner, she bent virtual reality to her will to spy, steal, and kill. But a drug-fueled failure left her cast out and abandoned by those she loved, and she spent the next twenty years scraping by on the fringes.

A freelancer now, Vera is still the best runner on this side of the Corporate divide—if she could only get the credits to keep her tools running and the mood stabilizers flowing. When a client stiffs her on a job that leaves her tools drained, she runs a risky heist to steal computer processing from a remote satellite station to get back on her feet. Instead, she is attacked by mind-controlled residents, narrowly escaping capture and deletion.

Vera determines that the Corporates are experimenting with conscious manipulation, a technology thought to be impossible. A valuable find, if she can find the right buyer and work out what she's stumbled on.

She compels a reluctant consciousness programmer to help her investigate, but they are attacked by Corporate security. Rescued by a mysterious runner representing the organization that created this technology, Vera is drawn into a fight to redefine what it means to be human in a post-physical reality.

AFTERLIFE ASCENDANT is Atomic Blonde meets The Matrix, appealing to fans of the corporate dystopia and character-driven stories of Martha Wells' The Murderbot Diaries, along with explorations of humanity in Ann Leckie's Imperial Radch series.

[bio]

Thank you for your consideration

---

First 300:

Afterlife /ˈaf-tər-ˌlīf/

The colloquial term for the virtual server environments of the Consortium, primarily located within the Hub space station and its associated offsite satellites. The term gained widespread usage following the completion of human consciousness uploads and the subsequent extinction of biological humankind.

—Query: "afterlife"

General Archive

"It's basic economics. Everything in Afterlife takes processing, and processing costs money. Food, pets, even the rain. You don't wanna get a job and pay for the pharmas or the fucktoys, then you can shut down or go back to the feed trenches and suck my content."

—BlueBatterBoy, 2.3M followers

Timestamp: 2355-08-03T01:39:35

The thief had thought to lose her in the markets. She let him think he had.

Vera Fournier stalked through the crowd of the Mong Kok night market, her black and violet polygraphene bodysuit thrumming with anti-kinetic energy. The throng of buyers and sellers parted around her, shying away from a runner on the hunt.

A block ahead, the green outline of Michael Belfi burned through her interface, highlighted past the mass of bodies and the vinyl and aluminum awnings of the stalls. He careened around a pyramid of waterfall fish tanks and shoved himself between a group of tourists staring at the holo displays that lit up the low rise tenements above. Faded paint and rusted steel glowed in the neon lights, the ancient decay of old Earth rendered in pristine fidelity.

Belfi turned the corner onto Sai Yeung Choi Street, heading north. Towards a transline exit, and then on to any other server across Hub. The active tracker override continued to highlight Belfi through the walls, and the proxy tokens in Vera's access key melted away with the effort to falsify her administrative privileges to the environmental server.

She only had minutes to stop him before he was gone. Forcing a confrontation was easy. Controlling it required planning.

so i was randomly thinking about this today, say you wrote a book, query it, and it doesn't go anywhere.

but lets say you love the concept, and decide to rewrite it. can you query it again? to the same agents? with the same title?

has anyone done this?

thanks!