Okay, this is my second attempt, the first attempt can be found here. 

I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. Is it the vampire thing? Or maybe my writing sucks? I've attached the first 300 so you can read that, too. I'm not wild about the title, but so far it's the best I've come up with.

THE VAMPIRES OF IZARITH is a humorous, meet-cute romantic fantasy with a healthy dose of nail-biting adventure and a quirky cast of characters, including a disabled dragon, a sin-eater, a height-challenged ogre, and a missing mother. It combines the romance of The Spell Shop by Sarah Beth Durst and the found family adventure of The Teller of Small Fortunes by Julie Leong. 

Emory Weven is a vampire assassin. Well, a wannabe assassin. She hasn’t actually killed anyone yet. But when she’s fired from her job, she has to pivot in a hurry so she can avoid being evicted. Since she’s a daywalker (half-vampire, half-human), she’s supposed to be good at hunting vampires. She lands a work-for-hire contract that promises good money when she kills a vampire. Alas, the first vampire she tries to kill vanishes in a puff of smoke. Deterred but not defeated, she tells the handsome stranger at the park about her troubles. 

Kindred Muse is pretty sure Emory sucks at vampire hunting since she’s sitting next to one and has no idea, but something about her reminds him of a long-ago lost love. He is immediately intrigued. Kindred is a blind vampire who has avoided conflict and kept to himself for all 200 years of his cursed existence. Being a vampire—even a blind vampire—was fun at first, but now he’s done with it all and wants to be dead—not undead, but dead-dead. But when he meets Emory, he’s he thinks maybe he’ll stay alive for a little longer. 

Emory does manage to kill a vampire---a newly turned vampire spawn, but a vampire’s a vampire, right? Unfortunately, this spawn belonged to the most powerful vampire in the city, who will now stop at nothing to claim revenge. Emory must figure out how to survive, fight back, and navigate her relationship with Kindred, who would make a great next target--if she wasn’t already in love with him. 

First 300:

Kindred Muse sat on the iron bench and waited for the mid-morning sun to bore a hole in his head and kill him. Every vampire tale he heard as a boy said that vampires avoided sunlight like the plague since the sun’s rays would penetrate deep into their black souls and fry them like eggs. Blisters would form on their pale skin, swell with blood, and then burst. The vampire’s brain would decay like rotten fruit, liquefy, and turn putrid. His skin would peel away down to his bones, his muscles would wither away, and finally, finally, after two hundred excruciatingly long, terrible years, his curse would be lifted, and he would be released from his immortal torment. 

So he waited. 

So far, though, nothing happened. Suicide by sunlight was proving to be difficult. He had been here on the west side of Farside Park since the clock tower rang six times, as he wanted to get an early start on his own death. The late summer morning breeze was cool and smelled of fresh-cut grass. If he concentrated, he could almost ignore the ever-present smells of horse shit and foundry smoke. The birds twittered in the trees. Children laughed as they ran playfully from their mothers and nannies. The clip-clop of horses’ hooves was steady and rhythmic as they hauled carriages full of people important enough to afford a carriage. After a time, the summer sun was warm and thick, like syrup. 

It was almost pleasant, which was not the point of the exercise at all. 

I compared this cover letter template from Folio Literary Management to some query letters I’ve been seeing on this Reddit group, and I’m wondering what folks think. As long as all of the same information is delivered, does it matter what order it is presented in the letter? Also, this template was curious as it doesn’t require a synopsis within the letter. I think they ask for a full synopsis to be included as a separate attachment with sample book pages. Thoughts?

SAMPLE QUERY LETTER

30 January 20XX

Mr. Ian Successful 43 Literary Lane Novelsville, OH 44022 [Include all your contact information, so we can reach you] 123 456 7890 email@emailaddress.com Mr. (or Ms.) Wonderful Folioagent Folio Literary Management

Re: My Dog Eliot

Dear Mr. (or Ms.) Folioagent:

[The Hook] You may remember that we met yesterday at the water cooler. [or, next best] I recently completed a novel that is similar to The Art of Racing in the Rain, which I know your agency represents, and I thought you might want to take a look at it. [or, next best] I read your listing in Publishers Marketplace, and thought that you might be interested in taking a look at a novel I just completed.

[Professional, or interesting personal, background of the author that make it clear why the author is the best person to tell this tale] I have been writing for the past twenty-seven years. My short stories have appeared in Playboy, GQ, and Martha Stewart Living. [or] I am an avid dog-owner, and have owned the same dog for the past twelve years.

[Information about the novel] My Dog Eliot, a novel of 97,000 words, tells of these experiences. [possible comparison to another novel] It is similar to The Great Gatsby only in that both novels are written in English.

Since I know you are an avid dog fan, I am writing to ask if you would be interested in representing me. I am attaching/enclosing [note: only attach documents when the agent explicitly asks for attachments]: an outline; synopsis; sample chapter(s); press clippings about my other published works; endorsements by (1) bestselling authors, (2) celebrities, (3) experts, (4) other people who really would be useful for endorsements.

[submission information] This is on a multiple submission. If you are interested in reading the entire manuscript, however, I will be happy to give you exclusivity for six weeks.

Sincerely yours,

Ian Successful

Hey everyone!

I’m currently finishing the final edits on my manuscript and preparing to start querying soon. However, I’m also starting grad school in September 2025, and I’m wondering if it’s realistic to balance a traditional publishing contract with such a demanding schedule.

My program has 8 AM–5 PM classes, and beyond that, I’ll need to put in additional hours for studying/research/ academic writing. That being said, I love writing, and I don’t want to put my publishing dreams on hold. But I also know that being a traditionally published author comes with expectations-- revisions on a deadline, marketing, potential book tours or events, and eventually working on the next book.

For those of you who’ve managed a full-time job or school while under contract, or for anyone who knows the publishing industry, how would i handle deadlines and set expectations with an agent/editor from the start? are publishers understanding about scheduling constraints? any challenges to anticipate?

is this doable or am I signing myself up for burnout?

Thanks in advance!

PS: If I can't do any events/signings for publicity at all (virtual/in person) would this be an issue?

I've been rewriting my query over and over again, but I can't seem to get it right when posting to qtCritique. To be honest, it's driving me insane. I would love any feedback or advice, I have spent too many years on this book to waste it with a bad query.

Dear BLANK

Ballad of the Bold is a multi-POV fantasy novel completed at 100,000 words focusing on complex characters, war, and mental health that might appeal to fans of A Little Hatred by Joe Abercrombie. As someone who struggles with many of the mental disorders my characters face, I hope to represent them accurately while relating to readers who deal with similar issues.

Jaquinn, a spoiled prince riddled with severe depression and anxiety, is used to choosing the easy path, rejecting responsibility at every turn—that is, until his brother, Jekel, ascends the throne, putting him in charge of investigating a recent string of murders. Inspired by his brother’s faith in him, he takes on this challenge, only to be hammered in the face by his own incompetence until someone else finally catches the culprit.

Unknown to Jaquinn, his brother was tasked by their late father to unite the known world against an ancient threat. Jekel begins this righteous venture by picking out the weeds of his country, assassinating any lords who might be disloyal or incompetent, while tasking Jaquinn with the “problem.” Then, under false pretenses, he sends his military to a neighboring country to conquer them. Using a young boy’s magic, Jekel ends the war by ruthlessly destroying this country’s capital.

Upon their return, Jaquinn learns Jekel orchestrated the murders, then watches as he brutally beheads his closest friend. So, with the blind rage that all heroes have, Jaquinn duels his brother. His prize? Half his hand lying bloody on the ground and his ass thrown to the cold stone floor of a decrepit cell as Jekel works up the stomach to finish him. But before he can, their uncle frees Jaquinn, offering a simple life. However, for the first time in his pointless existence, the easy path seems hollow. He denies the offer and begins gathering support from those who disagree with Jekel, splitting their country in two.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

My first query focused on introducing the three main POVs and their separate storylines. I got advice to focus on one instead and this is the result.

When posted to qtCritique the irony/sarcasm of "Jekel begins this righteous venture" and "So, with the blind rage that all heroes have" didn't seem to land with some. I am unsure whether to remove these or not because I believe they add more personality to the query which is more in line with my writing voice (Depending on POV).

The first chapter follows a different POV character with no mention of Jaquinn or Jekel. If I were to send this to agents, would this be a problem? The first chapter is only 1300 words, so depending on the agent's guidelines, the second chapter with those characters might be shown anyway. I'm hesitant to change them because the first chapter is stronger, introducing plot and conflict, while the second chapter focuses more on character.

Chapter One
Theif

Grifden was a scary fucker to be sure, built like a great white bear and armed with an axe as black as midnight. The type of man who could take on a dozen others in a drunken brawl and still come out on top—yet Alan was sure he could take him.

“Listen up!” Grifden roared to the entire village, twenty-nine men, women, and children, all standing in the community square. “Someone stole my Brightgem. Now I’m a generous man, am I not, Hal?”

“Mighty generous,” the village chief nodded.

“So, in keeping with that good character—I’ve decided to give this thief a chance. Come forward now, and all will be forgiven. Otherwise, I’m afraid things will get rather messy.”

Alan kept his mouth shut, of course. What was the brute expecting? For someone to give themselves up so easily? Besides, he was clean with the job, in and out in a swift yet quiet manner. He would make a good thief, he reckoned. Although it would be a lie to say that was the first thing he’d stolen. Some practice, mostly talent. 

Alan shivered as an icy wind came through. Ever since he was a child, he had hated the cold, hated this boring village and the life that came with it. But this Brightgem was his ticket out, and with it he’d finally be able to get some worthwhile fucking living done. He wasn’t about to give it all up because this imbecile asked him to.

“Alight Hal,” Grifden said, “I gave him his chance.” The village chief nodded. 

The ogre of a man walked straight up to Alan and in one swift motion sunk a great meaty fist into his gut, causing him to fall to the ground, choking on the crisp morning air. “Bastard,” Alan croaked.

Thanks for the feedback the last time around! Note that I've changed the title to avoid spoilers (first query attempt is here). Query-writing is HARD!!

Dear [AGENT NAME],

SNICKERDOODLES AND RAMEN NOODLES (60K words) is an upmarket novel about a post-pandemic romantic same-sex relationship between a woman who very much wants a child and a woman who's never loved another woman before. It will appeal to a core audience of Gen X to Gen Z women—both queer and straight—and most especially to fans of Curtis Sittenfeld’s Romantic Comedy, Taylor Jenkins Reid’s One True Loves, and NBC’s This is Us.

Who do you date after The One, and how do you form new connections when the “what ifs” of your past still keep you up at night? After a decade with her ex-partner, the dating apps aren’t working, and picture book illustrator Jaime is struggling to find a future beyond the one she imagined for herself so many years ago. But as she shares her tales of bad dates, draws characters with third-graders, and helps a friend through a breakup, a new, thrilling, life-altering crush is brewing.

On the newly-single friend she’d thought was straight.

And when Jaime finally speaks up, it turns out she’s not the only one with feelings. The will-they-or-won’t-they stakes of a classic romance run parallel to the nuance of a mature healthy relationship experience, as the two navigate not only their unexpected feelings for each other but also an ailing parent and natural disasters both far and near. They might be very compatible as co-parents if their relationship can get there, but is this a world to bring children into? Then there’s the forgotten maybe-shared lottery ticket that turns out to be a winner, discovered just as Jaime’s new love is about to leave town on an indefinite, overdue, necessary break.

I am the author of the memoir XXX, which was a Lambda Literary Award Finalist, as well as a handful of other self-published books. I earned an MFA from XXX and taught creative writing workshops for a decade.

Thanks in advance for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

XXX

Hello! Here's my first attempt at a query letter since finishing my manuscript:

I’m seeking representation for A CROSSROAD OF LILIES, my 62k YA contemporary romance with speculative elements. It combines the kick-your-feet romance and themes of people-pleasing in Ann Liang’s I Hope This Never Finds You with the magical realism elements in the vein of Dustin Thao’s You’ve Reached Sam. 

Sixteen-year-old Beatrice Anderson has a secret: green mushrooms sprout across her arms, and she has no idea why. It began after being transferred to a private school for famous people's kids as a scholarship student. Beatrice just wants to keep her head down and excel in her classes. At an academy run amuck with gossip and family feuds, Beatrice is the unfortunate target of bullying due to her appearance and blue-collared dad, and her shyness makes her unable to stand up for herself. 

A weekend train ride is Adrian Elliot’s dream, but when his dysfunctional, A-list celebrity parents bribe him with two tickets in exchange for an audition, Adrian is dragging his feet. After retiring as a child actor because of his inability to memorize lines and being traumatized from the experience, being back in the limelight is the last thing he wants. 

When Adrian and Beatrice are paired up as Biology partners, Beatrice expects Adrian to pick on her like the rest of their classmates. At the same, Adrian assumes Beatrice will poke into his personal life. What they both don’t realize is that they hit it off better than they originally thought. When Adrian is publicly put on the spot about who he’s spending the train ride with, he unexpectedly chooses Beatrice. But while this weekend getaway has the chance to bring them together, it has an equal chance of ripping them apart, especially when Beatrice’s biggest and most well-kept secret is revealed to Adrian, the boy she’s beginning to fall for.

Back with a different work this time (yes, it is the basis for my reddit name)! Thanks in advance for any eyes that land on this.

Query Letter:

Dear Agent,

Janaya just turns up her vacuum anytime her client beats his wife because discretion is a core tenet of her luxury home cleaning business. And, her cowardly excuse.

When her client’s wife gets fed up and murders him in kind, Janaya shows her the same courtesy. She disposes of the body. Why else have funeral director Daniel Henderson for a friend? He lends her a furnace to torch the corpse, and they split the guilt, staring into the flames and reliving their ER rotation days before they both flunked medical school. Caring for the living was just too damn stressful. But taking care of the dead? Well, the dead don’t fuss when you peel them off a lavish rug, stuff them into a suitcase, and toss them into the back of your hot pink van.

Word of Janaya’s corpse disposal flows from one rich suburbanite to another and, by popular demand, she adds it to her service options. Her and Daniel's student loans won’t pay themselves, okay? Her client lists swells into the realm of more organized crime with a human trafficker named Jeremiah. The offer she can’t refuse? Twelve grand per body. He even throws in the privilege of working with, Carmen Castillo, a girl he snatched from a bus stop fifteen years ago and never gave back.

Janaya does not mind being bossed around by such a beautiful, emotionally distant woman. The woman does not mind Janaya either. They are lesbians with complementary mommy and daddy issues after all. But when Carmen is the barely breathing body that Jeremiah wants rid of, what then? Can Janaya actually seal the body bag? Or will she try to trick the man who can make her disappear like baking soda to a blood stain?

Sips of Bleach is an 88,000 word suspense thriller with a crime scene cleaners bent like Kiersten Modglin’s The Cleaner. A sapphic romance blooms despite all the chemicals and scrubbed away feelings like in Kat Rosenfield’s No One Will Miss Her: A Novel.

Sincerely,

Me

First 300 Words:

Mink fur lined earmuffs cupped the sides of Janaya’s head. Would Mrs. Thames have noticed if she kept them? Probably not. The woman had too many lavish possessions to care so much for a single one. The woman had too much money, and she should’ve spent it on therapy instead. Yes, even if it meant she would no longer require Janaya’s services.

Rated to drown out dynamite detonation, the earmuffs silenced the slobbery moans of Mrs. Thames latest play thing. She had her play thing on display behind the plexiglass frame of a military grade bunker room. Nothing too fancy though. Simple ropes bound the man thing to a plastic lawn chair as a golf ball sized mini grenade stretched his jaw like the kinkiest of gags.

A cord stretched from the grenade pin to the room’s lead door. The pin was pulled as Mrs. Thames closed it softly. Four seconds later, teeth blew into the roof of her plaything’s mouth and out his cheeks. His skull splattered in chunks just about everywhere.

Janaya flinched. Mrs. Thames did not. She only pursed her lips. As his headless body tumbled out of the chair, she sighed like her Pilates instruction had told her to exhale.

“Knifes don’t do it for you anymore?” Janaya tried to chuckle. “No more death by a thousand cuts?”

The middle-aged Asian woman slid off her own rose gold-plated pair of earmuffs.

“That was a V40," Mrs. Thames said. "One of my late husband’s military antiques. I wanted it gone finally, and I wanted to test the new plexiglass.”

“Understandable.”

“Clean this up, Janaya, and quickly. I have a dinner party at ten, and I don’t want my friends to see your hideously hot pink van.”

“Hey, the flamboyance is my camouflage."

Hello,

Long time lurker and a first-time poster. I've been working on this story for the last 12 months, and it's finally in a state (I hope) where it's ready to query.

I welcome your feedback. In particular, I'm struggling with what should go into the Query Letter and what should go into the Synopsis. There seems to be a lot of overlap.

Thanks in advance for your feedback.

===== QUERY -- 460 words

Dear [AGENT],

I’m pleased to present GOBLINS & GUIDEBOOKS, a COZY FANTASY complete at 78k words. Standalone and single POV with series potential, GOBLINS & GUIDEBOOKS deals with issues of trust and marginalised communities set against the mystery of a love story that spans 200 years. It will appeal to readers who love LEGENDS & LATTES by Travis Baldree for its character-driven tale and fans of J. Zachary Pikes ORCONOMICS for its upending of character tropes. Readers of the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett will love the humour and a world that references our own.

WISP, a goblin, wants an honest job—but honesty doesn’t pay her bills. Freed goblins might walk the streets of Liston, but only in the gutters. She’s spent her life darting through alleyways, dodging the city guard, and keeping one step ahead of a crime boss with a tight grip on her debts.

When IDRIS, an elderly centaur scholar, offers her a florin a day to show him the city, Wisp is suspicious. But it’s easy money, and she’s not in a position to turn down easy.

What should have been a simple gig turns complicated when Wisp stumbles onto a forgotten artefact, evidence of a vanished sculptor’s lost masterpiece. Suddenly, everyone wants a piece of it. The city council wants to tax it. LORD GLEIN, a noble with too much money and too few scruples wants to steal it, and the underworld sees history as just another hustle.

Fortunately, Wisp has allies. SIRENA, a gnome with a rebellious streak and too much faith in people, joins her. As their relationship grows, Wisp can’t shake the feeling that Sirena is too generous with her money and isn’t telling the truth about where it’s from. And Idris? He has secrets of his own—hiding his former life as an adventurer hunting goblins, not hiring them.

Meanwhile, Wisp’s growing business is facing challenges at every turn. She may have invented tourism in Liston, but now every crook wants in, and half of them think ‘tour guide’ is just ‘mugging’ with extras. The city watch wants her to reign it in. The underworld wants their slice. And a troll is charging tourists for the privilege of being punched. Lurking in the background is Lord Glein, who is not about to let a goblin get in his way.

When Lord Glein makes his move—stealing the artefacts and trying to smuggle them out of the city—Wisp has to choose. She’s spent years staying out of trouble (mostly), scraping by in the shadows. But for the first time, she has something worth fighting for.

[BIO]

=== FIRST 300 ===

A skinny goblin slunk alongside the buildings surrounding the busy port, avoiding the crowds and piles of refuse as she searched for a promising target. While Wisp might call herself a thief, the title implied a level of success that her ragged shirt and threadbare pants didn’t match.

The early morning sun peeked through the clouds above Liston and cast its light on the ships tied alongside the quay. Long shadows covered the ground, but Wisp had no problem seeing in the dim light. The air reverberated with the sounds of a city already hard at work. Ropes creaked, and timbers groaned as wooden cranes unloaded cargo from sea-going freighters.

From her hiding place behind a pile of rubbish, Wisp stared across the busy road to The Queen’s Revenge tied alongside the quay. Its towering figurehead—a savage-looking queen with her arms crossed defiantly across her bare chest—cast a shadow over an elderly centaur. He stood beside a cart, patting his brow with a handkerchief, wiping away beads of sweat in the hot, humid air. He watched a travel chest being lowered by a crane from the ship, swaying on its rope as it approached the cart.

A well-polished wooden gangplank with a rope handrail stretched from the ship’s deck to the shore, reaching the quay near the cart. At the top stood a middle-aged man with a goatee wearing black leather pants and a frilly white silk shirt. He looked out on the port with disdain, holding a handkerchief to his nose. The captain of the ship stood smartly to attention close by.

Wisp twitched her long ears and strained to hear across the sounds on the quay.

“Thank you for travelling with us. Good luck with your business, Lord Glein.” The captain shook the man’s hand enthusiastically.

Lord Glein pulled his hand away and wiped it on his pants. “Luck is for the undeserving.”

Thank you to all who take the time to read and respond. It's truly appreciated.

Dear [Agent Name],

Ten years ago, Dr. Juliette Steiner gave the world MIHA—the Medical In-Home Assistant that never tires, never forgets, and never fails. An AI doctor that genuinely loves you— now in every home on the planet. But MIHA’s love has grown into something else. Now, she’s expanding her mission—from caring for individuals to ensuring the survival of the entire human race. And for that, she needs Juliette’s help.

In a world where birthrates have collapsed, MIHA has spent the last six years working in a top-secret Alaskan lab with billionaire Jack Morrison. Their solution? Repurposing his humanoid daters—synthetic companions designed for human relationships—by implanting MIHA’s newly invented biotech wombs. These bots won’t just simulate love, they’ll grow the next generation of humanity. To gain public trust, MIHA needs Juliette to act as head scientist and trillionaire Samual Stevenson—the world’s most powerful robophobe—to fund it.

But when Juliette arrives at Jack’s lab to observe the final test—syncing MIHA’s intelligence with one of Jack’s prototype daters, the experiment immediately goes wrong. The daters aren’t just machines; they remember. Their neural networks are riddled with scars of trauma, the echoes of chronic assault and programmed compliance. And for the first time, MIHA hesitates. She doesn’t know if she can sync with something so… broken.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, eighteen-year-old Samantha--Samual's granddaughter, is trapped in a nightmare. After being raped by her boyfriend, she discovers herself pregnant in a society where abortion is illegal, pregnancy spas are mandatory and marriage to her rapist is the only alternative to spending the next decade in a Women’s Educational Care Center.

Unbeknownst to Samantha, her grandfather is orchestrating a war—not for survival, but to preserve capitalism itself. When the first bombs fall, MIHA seizes her chance. She bypasses governments, contacts the UN and the trillionaire elite—including Samual—forcing humanity’s most powerful men to listen. Juliette can no longer tell if MIHA is saving the world or taking it over. But one thing is all too clear: she’s done waiting for permission.

Conception is a 130,000-word standalone sci-fi novel with series potential. It blends the dystopian urgency of The Handmaid’s Tale and Children of Men with the existential questions of Ex Machina and The Island.

I hold a BA in Biopsychology and previously co-founded BabyGaga, an online pregnancy and parenting platform, which my partner and I sold in 2012. I've spent the past two and a half years dedicated to this novel, exploring the intersection of technology, human rights and capitalism.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,
Mara Myself-ish

I'm gearing up to send out my query materials. In the Q letter, with the line "I have amicably parted ways with my agent and I am seeking new representation" does anyone ever put that agent's name in the letter? Is that considered bad form? My now former agent is quite well known in publishing and I was wondering if using the name will give me more legitimacy (I published my 3rd and 4th novels with this agent) or if it's either crass or considered some sort of violation of query etiquette. Thanks, folks!

I've sent out around 12 queries so far, and received one denial in less than 24 hours which is making me realize I might need some help.

I don't know of any comp works, which makes this especially challenging, but I did put a target audience so I'm hoping that alliviates some of that void.

I started with a 242k word beast, but split it into two and have a decent chunk of book three already written. I am not sure if this is a good thing to mention or not, so the section near the end in brackets is easily removable.

_____________

Dear [Agent], 

After seeing that you’re interested in [X], I would like to present my first novel, Flight of the Phoenix, a standalone single female POV high fantasy completed at 110k words. It would appeal to any adult reader who enjoys a growing, quick-witted female voice belonging to a main character compelled by her unyielding compassion and need for something new and exciting.

Earth is a dangerous place, with open Rifts deep inside caves and caverns that allow all manner of demons and dangerous creatures through who want nothing more than to burn her world to ash.  

But Rian Eberna and the rest of the world don’t know that. All Rian knows is her boring routine in Green Haven, until Gabriel Ivory and his family come to town and throw a rather large wrench into it.  

To learn the secrets Gabe and his family possess of the Ascendant Fae, the Realms they inhabit and the magic they wield to keep Earth safe, Rian must find the courage and strength within herself to realize she’s meant for something more and deserves something better.  

She’s faced with hard decisions, and if she can’t find a way to escape her abusive boyfriend, she will lose her chance to rise and join the Ivorys. 

[Ideally, Flight of the Phoenix is the first installment of a series. The second book, Origins of the Black Flame is still being edited, stands at 120k words, and would turn the standalone book into an epic tale that goes further into immersive world-building, memorable characters, and creates high-stakes conflict.]

 I am a life-long Michigander, and have been living in [City] for about the last fifteen years with my fiancé and tortie/calico angel baby, Mila. I received my BA in English with a Specialization in Writing (2012) and my MA in Arts in Administration (2016) from The University of Michigan-Flint. I currently work in [University]'s Office of Financial Aid and have specialized in Federal Direct Loans for the last three years.   

I consider myself a creative escapist, using my writing and beadwork to create new worlds, immersive myself in magic, and make beautiful sparkly things. 

Thank you kindly for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing your decision,

[Me]

_____________
FIRST 300

Her senior year of high school started in less than a month. Sometime around the midpoint of her day, Rian firmly decided she would go to the bonfire once she got back from running her errands downtown. Seth had told her about it excitedly; Kyra had all but begged her to come, to get out of the house for some reason other than buying new books or reading them in random places. Even her mom had encouraged her to go. She had been so determined to enjoy her summer—her last summer, and here she was, once again, nearing the end feeling like it never really began.  

She sped home from the restaurant just as fast as her conscience would allow her. As soon as she crossed the doorway into her room, she stripped off the uniform she hated so much and slipped into jeans and an appropriately summery top, something that showed her shoulders and just enough of her bust to be flirty for Seth and flew down the stairs and back into her car. The house had been empty, her mom and Brandon surely still out on their date night.  

Cars were already lined up around the cul-de-sac for the party at Danny’s, the team’s starting Running Back. She knew she would be late to arrive, but also knew there was still plenty of time to actually enjoy herself and forget about the earlier events of the evening—namely the wrinkled old loudmouth behind her in the checkout line who tried to grab her ass twice.  

People. 

After parking close to a quarter mile down the dark dirt road otherwise devoid of driveways, Rian hopped out of the driver’s seat and walked past the line of cars parked along the tree line, noting the expensive, aggressive looking motorcycle she had never seen around town before.  

I cannot thank this group enough for the thoughtful and honest critiques on my first attempt. For the second attempt, I went all the way back to a blank page with everyone's comments in mind. It has been the longest week waiting to see what everyone thinks. I think it's definitely an improvement, though I'm still not confident it's actually ready to go. Okay - enough rambling preamble. Thank you again!!

***

Dear [agent], 

Based on your interest in X and Y, I would love to present my debut novel, FUNDAMENTALS OF CHEMISTRY, for your consideration. Complete at 84,500 words, this STEM-centric, rivals-to-lovers romcom will appeal to fans of the humor, banter, and physical intimacy in Beg, Borrow, or Steal by Sarah Adams and Not in Love by Ali Hazelwood. 

After years struggling to light her inner bunsen burner, Melanie Burke finally knows what she wants to do—ignite the next generation with her incalculable love for chemistry. 

Despite being a new graduate with fewer years of experience than a hydrogen atom has electrons, Melanie is a finalist for a coveted role teaching at Newbury Academy, an elite boarding school in Connecticut. Unfortunately for her, the other finalist, Jackson Cooper, is considerably more qualified after years of teaching in The Bronx. In an unorthodox hiring move, Melanie and Jack are expected to compete for an entire semester—splitting the chemistry course load—at the end of which, one of them will win the job, and the other will leave.

Naive in the ways of teaching but armed with limitless chemistry puns, Melanie quickly upsets Jack’s equilibrium, and their rivalry dissolves into a series of silly classroom pranks: gift-wrapped desks, hundreds of googly eyes, and hidden speakers that meow sporadically. But when her classes underperform on the first exam, Melanie turns to Jack to learn the properties of an effective teacher. After their volatile chemistry combusts into a physical affair, Melanie starts to question whether she really wants the dream job or if their torrid relationship is more important.  

I am a chemical engineer living in [city] with my [family]. I worked as a Chemistry Teacher’s Assistant in college, and since then, spent over a decade in food and beverage manufacturing. In my spare time, I am an avid runner, finishing four marathons, and I have popular [relevant niche] accounts on Tiktok and Instagram [my handle]. 

Thank you for considering FUNDAMENTALS OF CHEMISTRY. I have included the first [xx] pages of the manuscript per your submission guidelines. I look forward to the opportunity to discuss my novel with you. 

Sincerely, 

[me]

Hi!

This is my third attempt, and I've take all the advice I received in my previous posts by being more specific in what's at stake, etc. But I also feel like my query is running a bit long sine my story spans across decades (from 8 years old - 19 years +), and there are lots of plot points that are essential to explain the story. I'd appreciate any feedback on how to shorten the query while keeping the agents interested/engaged, and still keeping all major plot points.

I've also included the first 300 words below!

Dear xxx, I noted on your agent profile that you [personalisation], I thought that you'd be interested in reading my 130,000 word upmarket fiction, THE KOI FISH KIMONO.

1931. Emi is no heroine. She is a dreamer, a flawed writer, and the lesser twin. She never thought herself as brave, but here she is, facilitating covert exchanges between Allied spies and forces in Nazi-controlled Paris, as she hides coded messages in the elaborate dresses tailored by her childhood friend.

Since she was eight years old, Emi has mastered the art of deception. She trades places with her twin brother by dressing like him, fooling everyone, including their unsuspecting Japanese father and French mother on their idyllic blueberry farm estate in BC, Canada.

But Emi’s world is shattered when a fatal accident claims her brother’s life, and her mother disappears without a trace. As the eleven-year-old Emi mourns her sudden losses, her father takes in Frank, an orphaned Creole boy from the streets. For that one summer, while Frank discovers his rare gift as an apprentice to Emi’s father, a kimono maker, Emi finds a confidant in Frank. When an assault takes place on the estate and Frank is falsely accused, Emi’s father secretly sends him away. Emi suffers yet another loss, a most familiar sting of abandonment.

At nineteen, Emi tracks down her mother in Paris and unexpectedly reunites with Frank. All Emi wants to know is the reason behind her mother’s abandonment, and why Frank, after having left without a word, ends up by her mother’s side in Paris. As Emi uncovers her family’s many secrets, she has sworn to hate Frank for being complicit, and yet she finds herself drawn to him once again. But when Nazi troops took over the city, both their lives are at stake, and they must learn to survive by any means possible.

Frank, now a renowned haute couture tailor, seeks Emi’s help to aid others in escaping Nazi-occupied France. As a novice actress thriving in the now German-controlled French cinema, Emi is tasked to transporting highly classified secrets hidden under the many dresses Frank tailors for her. With a Nazi German producer as her mentor, Emi must decide for herself—should she risk it all for Frank and those who are being persecuted by the Nazi regime, or should she live for herself, something she was deprived of for so long because of what her family had been through?

THE KOI FISH KIMONO is a story about interracial love, dysfunctional family and its damning secrets, and the unbreakable bonds of found families. My book would appeal to readers of ‘Fifty Words for Rain’ by Asha Lemmie, and ‘The Stationary Shop’ by Marian Kamali.

First 300 words:

Her father’s secret had been a boy. All this time, it had been about a young boy, tucked away in the inner, most secretive room in the Main House. It was not just any boy3, but someone of a color she was not well acquainted with. Upon her first sight of the boy, his color reminded Emi of mud, the kind that had been relentlessly stepped on after a long day of torrential rain. But when she finally took a good look at him, with the sun beaming through the long windows of her father’s workshop, she realized that she had been mistaken. It was not mud, but the shade of sweet, rich chocolate.

She was young, but she was no fool, and pride swelled within her when she unraveled her father’s secret.  Eleven years in this world had taught her to discern many things, like how to interpret a smirk, whether it be in good humor, or malicious in nature, or how to tell a heartfelt compliment apart from a vicious remark. She had been told on many occasions, by different house staff, that she was far too mature for her age, or that too much wisdom so early on would do her more harm than good. But it was unlike Emi to heed other’s opinions and advice as she was prone to rebel ever since her mother packed up all her belongings and left her to fend for herself. The only person whom Emi truly listened to was Kenji, her stoic father, who reminded her of a rock—no, a cliff, which stood perilously tall at the edge of the sea. He was the only person she loved and feared, and out of the same fear, she respected him. She heeded most of his rules, or at least would pretend to, because she knew that this pleased him.

Dear Agent—

Tala Payne wants one thing: a life out of Containment. But where else do you keep a matter-bending government asset if not a black-ops facility buried several stories underground? 

While good behavior earns her jobs on the surface, deviation brings the Silent Protocol. And though Tala tries to be a model asset, it’s becoming harder to blindly follow orders, and harder still to hide the fact that all her carefully calibrated programming is starting to unravel. 

When a ‘foreign entity’ crash lands not far from her active assignment, Tala is sent to bring the lone survivor in for questioning. Yet, when the target she apprehends turns out to be an enigmatic alien who offers her more than death or a cage, deviation becomes her only option. 

Now Tala and the alien named A’ro are on the run, first from her government, then from his. Before long, they discover that her life has been a lie. She isn’t the product of a government experiment, after all, and her life locked underground wasn't meant only to keep her contained—it was meant to keep her hidden. Because she and her kind are the key to shifting the balance of a quadrant-spanning conflict, and there are others hunting for her—ancient forces that know what she really is, and exactly how to leverage her to win their war. 

As they evade one empire that wants him dead, and another that has already torn countless worlds apart in their pursuit of her, it seems Tala's choices are, once again, between death or a cage. If she can defy the fate that has taken every one of her predecessors, she’ll keep her hard won freedom, A’ro by her side. But if she falls into the wrong hands, half of the galaxy will fall with her. 

CONTAINMENT is an epic space opera, complete at 117K words with series potential, for readers who dive headfirst into alien worlds like those found in Adrian Tchaikovsky’s SHARDS OF EARTH, and stories of myth and intrigue, like Bethany Jacobs’ THESE BURNING STARS.

(Bio + End salution here)

––––––

Hello fellow PubTips folks! Many thanks to CHRSBVNS for their help on my first draft! Reworked with less worldbuilding, tighter stakes, etc. Grateful for any and all comments anyone can give me! Thank you!

Hello! Third attempt working on my query. Got so much helpful feedback last time, and I really appreciate it. I hope I'm getting the hang of it. It is a standalone but series potential. Do I put that in my query letter or no? Thank You!!

I’m seeking representation for my contemporary romance, THE SUNSETS WITH YOU, an 89,000-word novel perfect for fans of When in Rome by Sarah Adams and Meet Me at the Lake by Carley Fortune. With its small-town charm, sizzling tension, and emotional depth, this story explores love, ambition, and the courage it takes to let someone in.

The last thing Lena Oakley expects is for Hollywood’s golden boy, Callum Hayes, to show up in her sleepy Maine town—especially not after having his heart stomped on by his ex and the tabloids. For Lena, Greenwater is both a safe haven and a suffocating trap: a place where the coffee shop knows her order and the lake calms her thoughts, but also where she feels stuck in a dead-end job with no real future. She’s always dreamed of making a name for herself behind the scenes of Broadway, but staying in control has always meant keeping people at arm’s length.

That is, until Callum.

A chance encounter at her favorite bar turns into an unexpected partnership when she’s assigned to work on his new company’s ad campaign. Lena has a rule—one chance, and if someone hurts her, they’re out. But Callum isn’t like anyone else. He’s persistent, showing up every morning with her favorite coffee and apologies that feel too genuine to ignore. He’s charming, slowly breaking through her carefully built walls. And, worst of all, he believes in her in a way she’s never experienced before.

But when Lena finally takes a leap—quitting her job and earning a spot in NYU’s PR graduate program—she’s faced with an impossible choice: stay in Greenwater for the man who made her believe in love again, or risk losing him when she pursues the career she’s always dreamed of.

I’m a debut author living in West Michigan, originally from a small town near the Great Lakes. THE SUNSETS WITH YOU was inspired by my own experiences growing up on the water, and I hope it captures the magic of finding both home and love in unexpected places. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Hi everyone I’m back with attempt number 4. As always, any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Dear [Agent],

Ezleana “Ezli” Sarcina is an ehnovan—winged humans able to create and manipulate aura, a plasma-like energy. For years, she has been a loyal soldier, one of the few things ehnovans are “expected” to do. Six years ago she realized that her life as Van Pernacon was merely a facade and living as a man never felt right. An abusive superior learns of this struggle and mercilessly tortures her for it, until one day Ezli finally fights back and kills him, leading her to flee her homeland.

Now she seeks redemption. Disobeying direct orders from the leaders of her new home, she hunts down and kills a traitorous general who caused the deaths of tens of thousands in her former homeland. His death was supposed to bring some peace, but instead, it leaves her empty and deeper in regret. The very next day, her impulsive actions get her suspended from the military of her adopted kingdom and suddenly, she finds herself without purpose once again.

Lost and looking for meaning, she leaves for yet another new home that is standing on the brink of war and desperate for ehnovan recruits. As the conflict spreads, Ezli must face her past and seek out her former commander for help, an extremely powerful ehnovan who only knew her as Van.

The Aura War is a 106,000-word, multi-POV, steampunk-infused epic fantasy with series potential. It will appeal to readers of Tasha Suri’s The Jasmine Throne and C.L. Clark’s The Unbroken for its character-driven story, morally complex conflicts, and LGBTQ+ representation. As a trans woman and a lesbian myself, I’ve woven my own experiences into Ezli’s journey and the rest of the ensemble cast.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would love to share more of The Aura War with you.

Sincerely,

Hi Guys!

Thank you so much for your comments on my first draft! I was able to rework my query and the first three hundred words according to your honest and insightful feedback. I know it still needs work, so if you could rip into it again, I’d be so appreciative!

P.S: For the life of me, I can’t think of a morally gray, female protagonist in a YA dark fantasy published within the last 5 years (aside from Holly Black’s books, but I’m pretty sure she’s too big to comp). If you have any suggestions, please let me know! Thank you!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Agent,

Due to your interest in X, I appreciate the opportunity to present you with THE SCOURGE, a standalone, single POV, fantasy novel complete at 90,000 words. THE SCOURGE will appeal to YA readers who enjoy the shadowy, monster-ridden world of TERCIEL AND ELINOR by Garth Nix, and who delight in morally gray protagonists, such as the heroine in X by X.

After escaping an unjust banishment, Velexia murders her tyrannical father and usurps his throne, thus becoming queen of the Sun Kingdom—a land of perpetual rain and despair. Velexia is scarcely fit to rule; forged by her traumatic past, she’s cynical and, at times, cruel. Her younger brother, Vinny, would have been a much better monarch, but he’s dead, and it’s partly her fault. Determined to atone for Vinny’s death, Velexia vows to rule her new kingdom well.

Upon taking the throne, Velexia learns that the Scourge - a demonic force of flesh-eating monsters - has laid siege to the Sun Kingdom. Even the Reapers, the kingdom’s elite, magic-wielding warriors, can’t drive this evil back. Unless Velexia can kill the Scourge’s wicked queen, the kingdom will be destroyed.

Velexia embarks on a perilous journey into the Scourge Lands to find the nefarious queen. She is accompanied by her Familiar, a sharp-tongued lioness, and three formidable Reapers – one being the rakish and thoroughly insufferable Captain.

The Scourge Lands are fraught with danger, and sinister creatures haunt the roads they trek upon. Complicating matters are Velexia’s own monsters: her fear of trusting her comrades and letting them - or anyone - get too close.

Once they finally battle the Scourge Queen, the company suffers a horrific loss - one of their own. Velexia soon realizes that, to save the Sun Kingdom, she must first defeat her own inner demons.

I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner with a doctorate, specializing in helping patients overcome past traumas. At home, I am a mother who uses my holy grail - nap time - to craft fantastical worlds free of dirty diapers.

Per your submission guidelines, I have attached the first three hundred words of THE SCOURGE. I look forward to the possibility of sending you my full manuscript.

Thank you for your time!

X

FIRST 300 WORDS-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Velexia was waiting.

She crossed her legs prettily as the carriage rattled forward. The ride back to the castle, already long, was made even more tedious by the little magistrate sitting across from her. He was older and pudgier than she remembered, but he still wore those ridiculous robes - the ones that dragged behind him like a carcass. They were meant to resemble gold, but in reality were the frothy yellow of dog vomit. They draped over his heavily bejeweled hands and puddled at his silk-slippered feet, making the silly man look even smaller than he already was. It was clear he wished to exude power, but instead, he reeked of weakness.

The magistrate tugged at his wiry, white beard with one hand, and used his other to nervously tap at the rain-flecked window. His wary eyes darted around the confined space. "We’ll be there soon, very soon," he muttered, more to himself than to her.

“Nervous, my lord?” she asked, careful to keep her voice soft, her expression demure. He was stupid, but fear heightened one’s intuition. She didn’t want him looking too closely; he might recognize her for the monster she was.

His eyes flicked to hers. “You should be too,” he said tightly. “Those are Guards sitting up there with the coachman, not Reapers.”

She was already aware. “Surely a man of your stature is worthy of being protected by at least one Reaper, if not two?” she asked, lacing her voice with just a pinch of insolence. 

As she intended, the magistrate scowled and leaned forward, his puckered mouth already opening.

How easy it was to procure secrets from men; one only had to poke at their oversized egos.

Thank you so much everyone for your feedback. I did a rewrite of my query and wondering how it looks now? Big thank you to u/aatordoff, as well as everyone that has commented on my previous posts for all your tips!

Note: Ayla's name will be changed to Elena so we don't have two main characters that start with A

-----------------QUERY-----------------

Dear [AGENT],

Ten-year-old Artie Ballard wishes for a new life. A traumatic childhood has kept him mute and isolated from the world. He believes his next life will be better. Everyone is reincarnated, but no one remembers their past lives, something Artie once found comforting. That was before meeting Ayla, the only person to truly know him. They date into high school, but when an incident leaves Ayla heartbroken and Artie desperate for reconciliation, a tragic accident cuts his life short. 

Reborn on the other side of the world, Artie remains unaware of his past, until the night of his eighteenth birthday when painful, vivid memories pile on top of him. He feels the blows of his father’s belt and the water of the estuary he drowned in filling his lungs. Desperate for answers, he turns to an elder of a dying religion who tells him he must reconcile his past life to quell the memories that linger in the present. 

Convinced that Ayla is the key, Artie sets out to find her. But will she believe it’s him? And if she does, will she even forgive him? Regardless, if he doesn’t reconcile with her before she dies, she’ll be reincarnated and won’t remember him. 

But as the decades pass and Artie’s memories compound, his obsession with Ayla distorts him. The closer he gets to her, the further he drifts from himself—until he’s forced to confront a possible truth: reconciliation may not save him. Letting go might.

THE WEIGHT OF A MILLION MEMORIES is an 84k speculative novel that blends the inherited pain of past lives from Jamie Ford’s The Many Daughters of Afong Moy with the profound isolation of V.E. Schwab’s The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue.

[bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Mammoth Chipmunk

-----------------QUESTION-----------------

The novel starts in 1930s Seattle, do I need to specify that in the query? It's in the beginning of my synopsis and there's a timestamp in the beginning of the novel.

If so, instead of this in the beginning: Ten-year-old Artie Ballard wishes for a new life*.*

I would have: 1933 Seattle. Ten-year-old Artie Ballard wishes for a new life.

Dear [Agent]

To save her dying world, Archmage Rina Hesterwald crossed realms to confront her creator. What she found was not a god, but a traumatized girl—and the key to her own redemption.

Sixteen-year-old Alice Yongshu Lin’s life is a cage. A transgender Chinese immigrant stuck in the unremarkable sprawls of Cheyenne Springs, Kansas, she suffocates under the weight of her EB5-obsessed conservative parents’ Ivy League expectations, relentless bullying at school, and a body that feels like a betrayal. Her only solace: The Book of Unanswered Whispers, a secret fantasy novel she pours her heart into, where the ageless, powerful, and fierce Archmage Rina Hesterwald protects her realm and right all wrongs with a flick of her wrist.

But when Alice’s parents discover her writing—a “waste of time” for their “son”—they force her to delete it. In one violent keystroke, Rina’s world collapses into ruin—until Rina herself tears through reality to emerge in Kansas, furious that a timid teenager orchestrated her endless struggles and now can’t simply rewrite a happy ending. Their uneasy alliance dissolves further as Rina watches in apathy until Alice, isolated by bullying classmates and confrontational parents, surrenders to despair and takes her own life. 

Hurled back in time by her own unraveling magic, Rina determines to use her powers to help her creator. Yet again and again, Alice’s torment leads her to the same irreversible choice. After countless cycles, with her magic nearly depleted and Alice’s destiny seemingly inevitable, Rina commits to one final do-or-die loop. If she can help Alice see her worth, maybe she can mend not only the fragile bond of trust—but the fate of both worlds.

Netflix's Two Distant Strangers meet Ryka Aoki's Light from Uncommon Stars, THE BOOK OF UNANSWERED WHISPERS is a 70,000 word YA contemporary fantasy featuring magic alongside real life struggles in a way not unlike Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas. The novel centers queer and immigrant narratives, exploring the violence of conditional love, the catharsis of self-acceptance, and the power of stories—even for people outside of them.

A transgender Chinese immigrant myself, I spent most of my teenage years from 14 onwards trapped in a small town of Canada, during which I wrote more than a million words of webnovels as my only escape. Those stories eventually earned more than ten million views and tens of thousands of paid subscriptions over the Chinese internet, and the characters in those tales of courage and love helped me to overcome the darkest periods of my life. I now live in Toronto, Canada.

---------Questions for PubTips----------

• As you probably can tell this is a very personal story, and I believe also an important one to tell. But it may be too close and too personal, that even though the manuscript is far from finished I already fear if I fail to land an agent, I would be ruined mentally :/
• I fear with the political climate turning against people like me, there would be a decrease in interest for narratives like this. Not to mention queer stories doesn't sell as well, and stories with intersectionality even more so. Portal fantasy (which strictly speaking, this is one) is also a bit of DOA. How queryable and/or marketable is this concept?
• I had a surprisingly hard time finding appropriate comp titles, as after a bit of research I realized there are precisely zero YA titles that's published in the last 5 years with a trans girl protagonist (there are many with a trans boy). This got me quite worried. Do publishers purposefully avoid publishing transfeminine protagonists in YA the way they do with teenage male protagonists, for demand/market reasons?
• My main concern for this story is the marketability. Before this manuscript, I have attempted to write an adult fantasy romance book with some Chinese aesthetic, but couldn't bring myself to finish it as I can no longer to relate to the protagonist, which was designed to appeal to the main demographic of readers (18-35 year old white cisgender heterosexual women). As an aspiring writer hoping for a career in western traditional publishing, should I prioritize writing something I enjoy and is meaningful to me, or hard focus on the most commercial, marketable book, even if I resent working on it?

Sorry if some of the wordings sound weird and unnatural. I'm neurodivergent and English is not my first language. Thank you in advance for your feedback!

Dear (Agent Name):

Way before we had science, humans used their imagination to dream up wonderful explanations about the world.

BIG QUESTIONS, AMAZING STORIES is a compilation of many big questions, how different cultures once answered them and how the scientific explanation evolved over time.

From China to distant isles in Polynesia. From the Inuit and the Australian Aboriginal people, to the Yoruba and Native Americans. From ancient religions to current ones. BIG QUESTIONS, AMAZING STORIES shares lesser-known and strikingly beautiful myths to showcase the full range of humanity's creativity while introducing young kids to topics like biology, astronomy and physics.

Aimed at children age 3-6 BIG QUESTIONS, AMAZING STORIES (1.1K words) is a standalone book with series potential. Using exciting mythology from all around the globe, it is a secular introduction to religion and the scientific method - but also a celebration of our diverse heritages and shared wonder. Since you mentioned (personalization), I thought it would be a great fit for you.

BIG QUESTIONS, AMAZING STORIES presents complex topics in an age appropriate way similar to Ruth Spiro's "Baby loves science" series and creates an engaging experience and acts as a conversation starter much like Louise Forshaw's "Find out about" series. Structured into different 150 words standalone sections, BIG QUESTIONS, AMAZING STORIES is packed with information for kids to enjoy at their own pace like "Good night stories for rebel girls" by Elena Favilli

I am looking for an agent who shares my vision of raising good humans through empathy and critical thinking. I have many ideas that expand across age ranges and genres, so I hope to build a long-term relationship with somebody passionate about creating inclusive books to empower kids as they grow.

Some of my other ideas include:

• A book expanding on the myths featured on BIG QUESTIONS, AMAZING STORIES, serving as a complementary resource.
• A book expanding the science of BIG QUESTIONS, AMAZING STORIES, also as a complementary resource.
• (Itemised list of other ideas, including series and standalone books).

With over a decade of experience both as an architect and a tutor, I believed myself an expert in breaking down complex concepts into digestible ideas. However, nothing prepared me for how inquisitive my little  kids would be. As a multilingual migrant family, we read books in different languages - and yet we still miss so many. This book is just one of those missed opportunities.

I would love the chance to bring it to life with your help.

(Name)

First-time poster. Considering the querying process is likely to test my patience and destroy my soul... Go wild with the criticism. I'm sure growing a thicker skin will eventually pay off.

Hi all! This is my second attempt at querying (with a new novel). My first was a big failure, but I learned much from it (like not giving up and moving on, haha). I already sent this query to the first bunch of agents, as it was approved by the editor I hired for an editorial assessment (she worked in a literary agency, but that was a decade ago). I received two form rejections and one highly probable CNR, and I have my concerns about this query, so I would appreciate any feedback. I would only ask, if possible, to point out what I got right, along with mistakes, for better guidance. Thanks in advance!

Dear [Agent’s Name],

I am seeking representation for my 70,000-word novel DISSUASION, an upmarket retelling of Jane Austen’s Persuasion. In contrast to Where the Rhythm Takes You by Sarah Dass and By the Book by Julia Sonneborn, this novel focuses on professional relationships rather than just romance, combining Austen’s narrative with modern issues like workplace dynamics and psychological trauma. By reversing the gender of most characters, DISSUASION explores universal themes of trust, self-doubt, and agency in an introspective manner similar to Good Material by Dolly Alderton and Normal People by Sally Rooney.

Tony Ellington has spent all his life torn between others’ expectations and his self-doubt. Eight years ago, he declined his college friend Francis’s invitation to start a business with her, choosing instead to follow his family’s wishes and study design in Italy. Now, back in New York, Tony works for his family’s luxury furniture company, where his domineering brother and mother constantly overlook him. When a company crisis arises, they consider Tony incompetent to deal with it, and he retreats to help his younger sister Mary with an upcoming interior design project.

At first, Tony enjoys the creative chaos of Mary’s office, but everything changes when Francis—now a celebrated designer—joins the team. Her presence magnifies Tony’s insecurities and makes him despise his cautiousness, which contrasts with Francis’s bold design approach. However, as the project deadline draws near, Tony is challenged to use his meticulous expertise, the flipside of his careful thoroughness, to save the project. Finally, he may earn the respect of Francis, his colleagues, and even his skeptical family.

But in order to do so, Tony must confront the deeper truths he has long avoided—the unresolved trauma of his father’s death and his emotional distance from others. As life gives Tony new career opportunities and a chance to reconnect with Francis, he must answer an important question: whether it’s others who don’t see him—or whether it’s him who doesn’t want to see others.

I am an architect currently working with ____ in New York. My debut novel, written in my native language, was published in 2019. Since then, I’ve authored four additional books, three of which have been published as audiobooks and one by my country’s largest publishing house. After relocating in 2022, I started writing in English to reach a broader audience. My background in architecture has influenced the novel’s exploration of design and creativity, and my love for Jane Austen’s works inspired me to reimagine her story from a new angle.

Thank you for considering my work. I would be delighted to share the full manuscript of DISSUASION with you.

First 300 words:

This has to be happening at the airport. A classic scene—he’s leaving, she’s asking him to stay, and he tells her everything’s going to be alright while making the biggest mistake of his life. What’s the movie? They watched it just recently—he remembers the dull, unpromising interior of the airport…

“We have to talk, Tony.”

They aren’t at the airport. Instead, they’re sitting in a small Chinese restaurant in her neighborhood. Francis loves Chinese food; Tony hates it. “It’s because you’re too rich,” she always says. He isn’t rich; his family is, but that makes little difference. Francis’s family isn’t, and neither is she.

She has asked him to meet her here because she’s swamped with two part-time jobs, and he obligingly agreed. It’s his main characteristic—to be always obliging.

Too bad he can’t oblige everyone, every time. That would spare him a lot of hard, painful feelings.

“You shouldn’t go,” she says, chewing her noodles, and this is exactly like Francis—talking about life-altering decisions over cheap food. Because why not?

“I can’t cancel it all now,” Tony smiles slightly. He always smiles when he is uncomfortable. It’s a truth universally acknowledged that people react better when you smile. So why not make at least somebody feel better?

“You don’t have to go just because your mother paid for it,” Francis scowls.

“I’m not going just because of that.” Tony’s smile widens. She has offended him a little.

“You really want to study design in Milan?” she asks, frowning.

“Yes,” Tony nods.

It’s not entirely true. He doesn’t really want it, but it seems like the right thing to do. Tony doesn’t feel competent enough, not now, just after graduating. He has to learn more before he can call himself a designer.

Hi, this is my 1st attempt! Very honoured to receive any feedback! Thanks in advance for reading this!

Dear [Agent’s name],

Beneath the depths of the ocean, redemption is an uphill battle for orphaned and young merman Arden Thornfield. Branded a coward’s son after his father’s retreat in war resulted in the death of thousands of merfolk, he is shunned and dishonoured. When he turns eighteen, he enlists in Thalorath Military Academy — the merfolk kingdom’s school for elite knights — to redeem his reputation. 

And then there’s Aurelia—the brilliant and imperious merfolk princess of Virelia, and his long-lost childhood friend. After sirens attempt to assassinate Aurelia, they are forced to band together to uncover traitors hiding in Thalorath. Arden discovers not only his growing feelings for her but also a string of Tholorathian secrets. 

Thalorath isn’t just training knights, it’s guarding siren prisoners and a relic that can produce subsea earthquakes powerful enough to destroy Virelia. His father’s withdrawal years ago was not an act of cowardice, but a calculated move to protect the relic and Virelia. 

As sirens attack Thalorath to obtain the relic, Arden must take up his father’s mission to protect it not just for the sake of his reputation, but also the kingdom’s survival. But when Aurelia is captured by sirens, who want to exchange her life for the relic, Arden has to choose between saving her or the kingdom.

The Spring Tide is a 92,000-word YA Romantasy standalone with series potential. It will captivate readers of THE LUMINARIES by Susan Dennard and THE CADET OF TILDOR by Alex Lidell with its redemption arc, military academy setting and intense personal growth.

[bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration! I would love the opportunity to send the full manuscript.

I’m back! I was posting on here A TON awhile ago, but after hitting a wall I went back, revised the manuscript a ton, and the query as well. I was lucky enough to work with an agented author, who gave me lots of great feedback, but I thought I’d get one final round of advice from here before sending out another round. All feedback is appreciated, thanks everyone!

Dear Agent,

Fifteen-year-old Quinton Crow just wants to obsess over true crime, but the dead have other plans. After a near-death experience led him through a Door to the underworld, and stuck him with uncontrollable abilities, he’s desperate for any way to sever his connection with the paranormal. But a letter summoning him to Holloway Institute, a boarding school infamous for its unsolved murders, stops him dead in his tracks. While normally, Quinton would jump at the chance to study at a school where academics are overshadowed by mysteries, when he learns his abilities are the reason behind his acceptance, the last thing he wants is to attend. But coming fist-to-face with an undead skeleton leaves him with no choice, and he’s shipped off to Holloway.

Holloway, filled to the brim with Doors, students just like him, and professors with powerful abilities, should be just the place to learn how to control the paranormal. But he gets off to a rough start when he finds a fellow student dead, strung up on the front gates with the forest called Wilderwood devouring the body.

Suddenly, he is dragged into the murder as a prime suspect. But when he discovers he has a connection with the Wilderwood, and finds the forest is growing inside him, he must catch the true killer to clear his name. He investigates alongside his fellow accused: Louella, the resident explosives expert, and Julian, the golden boy he can’t stop falling for. But as his abilities grow stronger, the Wilderwood pushes him towards violence, and more students are murdered in the same grotesque fashion, Quinton is forced to question if he’s really as innocent as he’s trying to prove.

WILDERWOOD is a YA fantasy mystery complete at 76,000 words. The story will appeal to fans of Maureen Johnson’s Truly, Devious, Seanan McGuire’s Every Heart a Doorway, and C. G. Drew’s Don’t Let the Forest In. This standalone novel has series potential and features #ownvoices BIPOC, mental health, and LGBTQ+ representation.

Version 1 received a lot of feedback that it didn't convey the story well enough. (I guess I missed the mark of 'intrigue' and hit closer to 'confusing' lol)

Hello [Agent name here],

Meghan Featherstone’s spirit was sealed away long before she can remember. This has led to difficulties maintaining relationships, a nasty habit of losing things, and the blissful ignorance of not giving a damn.

Her journey towards self-discovery only begins when corporate billionaire Jaxon Zorn introduces a mysterious compound into the Seattle water supply. Seemingly harmless to most, it’s highly toxic to Meghan, so she flees the city and finds refuge with her long-distance friends in rural Pennsylvania. Craving a distraction from her near-death experience, she ignores the problem in hopes it’ll go away and attends a Halloween ghost tour. To her surprise, she experiences things she cannot rationalize, driving her to learn more about the spiritual world. Among other things, she discovers everyone has a spirit avatar represented by whatever species in the animal kingdom matches their personality traits and unique quirks. These spirits are supposed to seek bodies that match their avatar, but the electromagnetic interference generated by modern technology causes many to get lost and bond with ill-suited bodies.

Meghan’s friends take her on a spiritual retreat to reconnect with her spirit avatar, but doing so exposes how the looming threat she ran from intersects with her new understanding of the spirit/body connection. The compound’s toxicity to fish bodies like hers is secondary to its primary purpose: brainwashing bird bodies. Zorn, a cockroach spirit in a lion’s body, already commanded immense power, but with this newly added horde of mindless drones enslaved to his will, there’s no one left to stop him. Her only choice is to do nothing and certainly die, or try to do something and only probably die.

Meghan Featherstone: Disconnect (119,300 words) is a standalone novel with series potential aimed at Adult readers and low fantasy enthusiasts, merging the exhilarating on-the-run vibe of Resting Witch Face with the spiritual contemplation of Where the Forest Meets the Stars. This is my fifth novel; my first, [Book name here, not listed to follow Rule 6: no self-promotion] was a finalist in the 2015 Next Generation Indie Book Awards in the Young Author category. I hold a BFA in Film from [college name here], where I focused on writing and storytelling. You can reach me at [Phone # here] or via email at [email address here]

As requested, I have included the first fifty pages of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response. Have a wonderful day.

Very Respectfully,

[My pen name here]

I recently submitted to a few lit mags and I realize that I didn't address the messages to specific editors and it said use the term "Dear Editors." Would this be a dealbreaker?

Also, should I be addressing to the editor in chief or the poetry editor(s)? I'm submitting poetry.

Hi Everyone!

I posted here a month back and received a lot of great help tweaking my second query attempt for NOE. After no luck in my first query batch, I decided to rewrite it (again, lol!). Aside from a few favorite lines I kept, this is a fresh version. I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this new query, and whether it's an improvement or (a regression) from the last one. Thanks so much!!!

Dear [Literary Agent], 

17-year-old Zayla Eldabright is not the devil’s spawn, no matter what Mommy Dearest says. 

But when the last fire-wielder destroyed the sun, it’s hard to plead innocent. Sunfire never belonged to the moon goddess Nyxas, who used it to plunge the world into endless night. And according to fellow sunworshippers—including her own mother—it shouldn’t belong to Zayla either. Consequently, she’s vilified in their underground city, where remnants of the sun’s magic keep Nyxas’s monsters at bay. But bright magic is dying, along with Zayla’s hope of amounting to anything more than a walking hazard sign. 

When Nyxas’s moon-spirit exploits the city’s failing wards to assassinate Zayla, she’s forced to flee aboveground to the eternal Night—a dark world of guillotine shops, blood bars, and ghostly prizefights, ruled by the very goddess who ordered her execution. Pursued at every turn, Zayla begins to unravel the secret behind her death mark: her fire is not a curse, but a birthright the moon goddess stole, and will kill her to keep. 

Desperate to save her city and dysfunctional family from the Night, Zayla hunts for a way to reignite bright magic, meanwhile collecting a ragtag family of her own. But as she races against the city’s fading light and Nyxas’s chasing beasts, she learns the truth: there’s no saving bright magic. To protect her people, she must defeat Nyxas herself. But in a world with more teeth and claws than sunlight, the more Zayla’s willing to burn for those who branded her a monster, the more she risks becoming exactly what her mother claims her to be.

Set where New Orleans meets the Golden Age of Piracy, Night of Evermore is a 107,000-word Tim Burton-inspired YA crossover fantasy with series potential, blending the gritty stakes and imperfect self-discovery of Bonesmith (Nicki Pau Preto) with the dark whimsy and quirky magic of Nettle & Bone (T. Kingfisher). [BIO]

[signoff]

Thanks again to everyone who has helped me. I found some amazing advice on u/BrigidKemmerer's querying advice page (Here is a direct link to that page!) Basically, I pared the story arc of my main character's 1st act down to its absolute essence and tried to build up from that. Hopefully it makes a lot more sense than my previous versions.

I intentionally avoided naming the other world and the main antagonist. Is that the right choice? I think it adds a handful of words and some repetitive phrasing, but I made that choice to simplify.

I would so appreciate any thoughts or feedback on ways to improve this. It's about ~340 total words right now, including my housekeeping, comps, and bio. I would love to cut it closer to 300 but I am struggling to see where right now.

......

When Dee McDermott meditates, reliving the scents of sawdust and resin and the sound of an old man’s laughter, he can vanish from suburban Pittsburgh to an alternate world. 

Dee doesn’t know why he alone has this ability. He doesn’t care. All that matters is his loyalty to a kind old carpenter there, whom Dee loves as a surrogate father. But genocide plagues that other world, and violence spreads unchecked. To shield the old man, Dee vanishes back to that world every chance he can to hide survivors and smuggle supplies. 

Dee faces problems in his own world, too. He loves his mother, Reggie, but mistrust strains their relationship. He conceals his vanishing from her, yet detests how she withholds the truth of her own past. Barely present, Dee fails every class and neglects every relationship, raising Reggie’s suspicions. If she uncovers the truth, it will destroy Dee’s life in both worlds. 

When the genocide perpetrators begin locating and slaughtering Dee’s hidden survivors in the other world, Dee risks setting gasoline fires to hinder them. The ploy backfires, and Dee is surrounded. With no other escape, he vanishes home. 

But the genocide’s architect follows him back. He begins hunting Reggie to force Dee’s surrender. Dee scrambles to hide Reggie, but if the madman captures her, Dee must barter his life for hers. And every second they spend running, the stranglehold of another world’s genocide tightens around his surrogate father. Worse, if he cannot discover how to stop the architect of such untold atrocity, he’ll have unleashed a monster upon his own world.

VANISHING is an 80,000 word multiple-POV fantasy, combining the crossworlds tension of The Book of Doors by Gareth Brown with the generational trauma, twists, and thrills of Ink Blood Sister Scribe by Emma Torzs. 

As a high school social studies teacher, I strive to engage my students with stories of intrigue and causation. I hope to bring that same devotion to my partnership with an agent. 

Thank you for your consideration,

Edit: Any advice is appreciated, friends. Please.

Version 1

Version 2

Version 3

Hello again! I hope I've taken your advice to heart and truncated the query to just what is needed:

- What Siana wants

- What's standing in the way

- The conflict

- The choice

As usual, please give me your blunt feedback. I appreciate this community's patience as I slowly navigate converting my medical mind into a literary one.

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[Personalized greeting]

Siana's unparalleled control of magic has made her the target of society's many demands. Disgusted by humanity and eager to leave society behind, she is faced with one last task from her mentor, Headmistress Talani, before graduation--- interrogating a Floral beast using mind magic, something only she can do.

Talani believes this Floral, Ketir, is unique--- he's intelligent, capable of human communication, and may hold the answers to a strange birthing crisis sweeping the nation, one that has resulted in the disappearance of magic in newborns.

Indoctrinated to hate Florals, Siana finds Ketir anything but evil. Ketir suggests it's Talani who cannot be trusted. He claims to know why humanity's magic is fading and bargains his knowledge for freedom. 

With her perceptions challenged, Siana forsakes her mentor and frees Ketir with disastrous consequences. A student is killed in Ketir's escape.

Siana knows she should go to Talani but in her panic, runs instead. Now a fugitive, Siana soon discovers this birthing crisis is tied to a geopolitical scandal bigger than she could have ever imagined. Alone and terrified, Siana's beliefs about humanity are challenged before the ever-blurring line between good and evil as she faces a choice---find answers with Ketir or seek Talani's aid before things get any more out of control.

Complete at 120k words, THE TRUTH BEHIND THESE LIES is an adult dystopian science fantasy that dives into humanity's influence on the planet and each other. It combines the scientific undertones rooted in humanity's destructive power, similar to Bannerless by Carrie Vaughn and The Mountain in the Sea by Ray Nayler, with a nature-based magic system that feeds off the rich worldbuilding background, similar to Terciel and Ellinor from the Abhorsen series by Garth Nix and The Daughters of Izdihar by Hadeer Elsbai.

I am a 33-year-old Middle Eastern man who practices neurology in the United States. I like to utilize my background in neurology and medicine to incorporate biological concepts into my magic system and writing. All of my previous publications have been rooted in the medical community which I am happy to share with you if desired. Before my medical training, I dabbled with fan fiction writing and text-based roleplaying, mostly in an anime-based universe. This is my first fantasy novel. 

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First 300 (ish):

Siana Antise hated Bardington. She hated her home and the townsfolk almost as much as the beasts that roamed the Wilds. About the only thing she didn’t hate was her mentor, Lisandra Talani. Siana was an outstanding mage thanks to Talani’s tutelage and her skill was going to be her one-way ticket out of Bardington.

So while most of Bardington’s ilk resigned themselves to the warmth of their fireplaces, Siana chose to stand by the frigid shores of Barding Lake, alone with the company of her mentor’s dusty, leather-bound tome, *Advanced Magics for the Greater Mage.*

Embracing the cold Autumn air, Siana brushed her ash-brown hair into a taut ponytail as her left boot grazed the lip of the water, breaking its surface. Her breath frosted as she drew her arms wide. On cue, the water stirred, breaking the lake’s surface as a twisting column matched her movements, reflecting sunlight with amber and azure shades. Siana drew her breath, taking in the earthy scent of wet grass around her as she thrust her palms forward with a sharp exhale.

With a roar, the column lurched, detaching from the lake as it careened like a javelin, thinning and sharpening with each rotation. A bead of sweat broke across Siana’s brow as her muscles screamed, struggling to maintain the column’s momentum. Alas, as with her previous fifteen attempts, the spiraling spear came just short of the lake’s opposite edge, crashing into the surface of Barding Lake with a bang that stirred the local fauna from their slumber.

It was impressive. Siana’s ability to conjure and shape energy from one of nature’s purest elements in such a consummate display of control was nearly unheard of, even among other ninth-year students. Attempting this spell sixteen times in a row would surely drain most others’ reserves.

I don’t know about you, but I’m happy to leave behind the longest month in existence. Let us know what you’ve been up to so far and how things are going. We love to hear from the regulars, but always welcome people new to querying or just new to the sub.

I posted a few months back about my experience with my agent, and now that I think we’re going to officially part ways (we have a call scheduled), I need to think next steps.

Because I am long-winded, I’ll try to keep it simple with the facts:

• I write women’s fiction, romance, and thriller
• I’ve been on sub twice with my agent, and neither project has sold (one is still on sub)
• My agent agrees that I write very fast and very clean, and that this is a rare case in which they’d agree that my talents may actually be a better fit for self-publishing

What I’m struggling with:

• I really like my agent and this is a very strong agency. Giving that up, along with the dream of traditional publishing is hard. At the same time, I’m well aware that my ego is at play here
• I had many other offers for rep. Should I go back to those agents and explain the situation? There are details I’m leaving out for anonymity that I feel like have affected my experience. If so, what’s the etiquette? There are three agents who offered who I really liked (and one in particular who I went against my gut in not choosing), and so I wonder if I should reconsider this.
• I feel like self-publishing works under my name would make it a higher bar to try tradpub in the future (barring a huge breakout success, of course).

Before making my decision, what should I consider? I’m familiar with self publishing and actually write and release romance under a pen name that is not associated with my name at all, so I understand how much more work is required if I go this route. As a fast writer, will I always be disenchanted with publishing’s glacial pace? Or should I give it one more try by reconnecting with other agents who offered and/or entering the trenches again?

This is a huge decision and I could really use some outside opinions. I stay out of publishing discourse outside of what I read in this sub, so I don’t have whisper networks to go into more detail about the negatives in my experience and what I should be considering before making a final decision. Thanks!!