sometimes we make mistakes, I have made a lot of mistakes and surprisingly I have not learned even from a single one of them. year by year I make the same mistake and it's consuming me.

I have always wanted validation from people, always wanted to fit in. Done stupid things just so I can be recognized and accepted, I have always wanted to be part of the community and felt like I was not enough, I’ve always wanted others to love me. Theres a very long story about my life that I wish to write about but I am numb. I guess I’ll just leave this ellipsis here and I will come back one day when I’m strong enough…

I, 26f, was raised for most of my childhood in a sheltered well-off community in England (Not saying what city) before moving to the U.S. Even after moving here I had very little social interaction outside of formal events and holidays.

As a child I had to be the perfect daughter. Perfect grades, perfect appearance, perfect etiquette, etc. I was never allowed to complain, never allowed to show negative emotions, never allowed to want anything that wasn't chosen for me. I was expected to marry a man chosen by my family and the elders, expected to go into a career complimenting his, and otherwise be a quiet and perfect doll.

After moving to the states, while those expectations changed I was still not allowed much contact with the outside world and until year eleven in secondary school I was homeschooled and private schooled. I didn't have friends outside of my community back home, and the friends I made in the states were mostly long distance or from the secondary school (highschool) I attended, and I can count on my hands how many times I saw them outside of school.

Yes I realize that my community sounds like a cult essentially. I've heard it countless times. And perhaps it was, the idea that we as a community had to maintain our image and purity was ingrained into me from a very young age. And though my mother was very kind and nurturing, until years after we moved to the states my father had far more presence and authority in our household, only really second to my grandfather and the elders. There's a lot of trauma involving my father there, however, I don't think I have enough space to talk about that nor am I ready to.

I never really adjusted to being outside of the community like my siblings did, and often times found myself being taken advantage of for being so naive to the world. Perfect grades and perfect etiquette don't equate to being socially prepared for the outside world. And I still struggle with the idea that I don't have to be a perfect little doll or do as I'm told even if I am uncomfortable with it.

I am in therapy now, diagnosed with PTSD, social and general anxiety, ADHD, insomnia, depression, and enochlophobia. But I am learning to set healthy boundaries and choose things I want rather than what I'm told to want.

Born during the civil war of a country

Lived as an infant in a bomb shelter because the shelling was too severe to go outside

Immigrated to America shortly thereafter as a baby and raised by a single mom

Went to 4 different grade schools moving around a lot

Due to poor grades and performance in middle school I was put in a private high school

Studied hard and graduated as valedictorian

Was admitted to a top 20 college for business and graduated with honors

My biological father introduced himself when I turned 18, I met him in Europe, and he attempted to bribe me for his love by purchasing me a new sports car. Our relationship did not last.

During college I was arrested by undercover federal agents for copyright infringement for selling fake luxury goods (erroneous charge, was later dropped by prosecutors)

Began a multi year relationship with a woman who was gorgeous and intelligent but had anger management issues, it didn't last

Was denied career advancement at the corporation I worked for throughout college, despite being a top performer for my role

Left the corporate job to be a ski bum, working at the resort as manager of a lodge

Crashed my snowmobile at night into a winch cable that ripped through the engine and missed me by a few inches, barely saving my life

Was involved in an avalanche in-bounds and survived

Left the ski resort in spring, studied 3 weeks for the LSATs, passed with flying colors, and was admitted to law school

After attending law school for a while I grew a dislike for it and dropped out

Crashed my motorcycle on the freeway flipping over my handlebars and miraculously walked away with minor injuries

Took up a job in finance and sales and was the top performer for the company

Began a multi year relationship with a woman who was honest and spiritual but lacked ambition, it didn't last

Got tired of a corporate finance job and left for a small startup company selling industrial equipment

Traveled the world to Africa, Europe, the Middle East, the Caribbean, Asia, and places around the US

Began learning handyman skills and buying real estate

Bought and sold 5 different properties/homes by the time I was in my 30s

Developed a 6 figure job selling specialty equipment in a niche industry

Took up several hobbies and built inventions in my shop

Was introduced to my spouse whom I love dearly

Met a father figure who shared in my passions in life and who legally adopted me as a son in my 30s

Bought part of a remote private island to pursue my dream of living a self-sufficient lifestyle

Began the next chapter of my life, to be written...

I have an exceptional memory as a child and I suspect it might have been a contributor to my bipolar. Ever since I was a child, I could recall a multitude of past events in vivid detail from the sensations to the exact vibes per period of my life. I'd even remember some events from before my first birthday.

Recently however, I've started to recall a specific memory I don't have visual nor auditory recollections of. It's really weird, but I basically keep reliving in vivid detail the sensation of not being able to move my body easily, my head being extremely heavy, tingly numbness in my face, breathing in a fog, and my body going cold and extremities going frigid, if not slightly numb too. Let's call it a cold shock. Pair that with a knowing that I felt younger than a child, akin to an infant. I did ask health professionals about whether this memory was related to my infancy and they confirmed that babies when they're young are unable to form auditory and visual memories though they are able to form associative memories, and it does happen that some people can remember parts of the past like I did.

Sometimes I'd get a second memory that followed the first. In the following memory, I felt in the past I was petrified from the first cold shock, to the point of having PTSD-like anxiety, then I'd be wailing, then blacking out due to the stress.

Then I'd remember that eventually, I stopped doing all that because I became so frightened that I stopped seeing the world as inherently good as used to be natural for me, and started adopting my current personality and mentality, where life is full of risks and all relationships are nothing but transactional in value. Basically fight, flight, go, go, go, cause I'm always on the edge. And when I say transactional, I mean as in life stopped being a place where relationships had inherently good value, that relationships stopped being there to validate that life was good. Life became transactional because every relationship was a way be used to (and prove I'd) survive better against an inherent threat I always knew existed from that memory onwards.

I was able to confirm the relived memory was not a false memory after asking my parents about the times when I could've been cold as an infant. They responded that when I was born, I was inadvertently chilled for almost a day because in the middle of winter, they weren't aware that a baby needed more blankets until the baby could get used to a world that wasn't at body temperature. Checks out for the heavy body sensations then (out of the womb water), and breathing in a fog (air). Oddly enough, the reliving stopped after I was able to put into words the trauma and confusion that I keep going back to.

After being able to pinpoint where life went wrong and having adjusted my worldview back to feeling at peace with a good world again, I started reading autobiographies and watching interviews of people who were diagnosed with bipolar. Holy moly. It's so surreal. I feel like for the first time in my life, from those stories, I understand the reactions of the people that don't have bipolar towards those that do, because I'm able to judge the situation like a normal person too. Yet, I'm still able to place myself in a bipolar person's shoes because I've lived that life and mentality. Also, people don't seem at all threatening to me either, as in everyone seems nicer and more genuine, which is awesome cause I used to struggle with trust. It's like seeing two sides of a coin, between the true reality and the delusion I used to live in but being aware of which is real and which is a misunderstanding. It's really weird, but it's kinda neat too.

Not sure who this is for; probably just me.

In the Spring, I had to have an emergency operation to reattach my retina. The hospital were amazing but because it's better to operate as soon as possible I was operated on under local anaesthetic. It was an hour long operation but I was weirdly calm and just kept thinking how lucky I was that they were trying to save my sight.

Afterwards there were a few hiccups (very high pressure in the eye which further damaged my sight and a couple of infections in the eye which slowed my recovery).

Basically, I know I was incredibly lucky and I'm so grateful for all the care I received (don't worry I communicated that to the medical people too!)

The surgeon explained I would develop a cataract as a consequence of the operation so I knew I would need another operation.

Yesterday, the hospital rang and said they can fit me in next week and I'm terrified. It's absolutely ridiculous - this will probably only take about 20 mins under local anaesthetic and the operation is much simpler than the one I had before but I am absolutely dreading it

Anyone who's been through it please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

I want to apologize in advance for my poor English, it is not my native language

Also, this is a really LONG story is up to you if you finish it

Right now I am 21 years old but to fully understand why I am like this it might be necessary to go back a few years

So I was born In a humble family both mom and dad had 2 jobs, but mom has a deegre dad doesn't, so the economic impact in the house is different and so are the hours they spend in their work, I really don't have that much memories of my dad in my childhood, he used to get home at 2 a.m and wake up like 4 or 5 a.m, and mom worked until 6 or 7 p.m

In kindergarten this a huge problem, sometimes mom used to take me to her work, she is a teacher, a physic and math teacher, I was a child so I got really bored there, and my mom's students noticed this and often did things to make me laugh, but my mom didn't like this at all, she would pinch me in my arm to stop laughing, it hurt obviously, so in order to not get pinch again I stopped

We were poor so we used to go to an Oxxo buy 2 hot dogs and a coke and call it a day, that was dinner, and she was really overprotective, I couldn't go about to play with other kids of my same age in the streets (which ended up being a good thing because those same guys are now drug addicts or parents)

Anyways, I do have some memories of the kindergarten, they have told me that i was kind of clever because one day I learned how to open doors and a flood of children was free inside the kindergarten, I really don't remember that but there are various people that say this is true, they also told me that I once broke some guys nose because he was bothering me, and that one time I got my finger bitten because I was poking a girl and she did not like it

Some things i do remember are that i used to collect this tazos which were pretty popular back in the days, i remember owning a lot of them i lost them, i know they are in my house but i haven't really look for them, i also remember pool days i don't remember why they did those but i remember have fun, I also remember I promised this girl we were going to marry, but you know is just some child play, i cried when we graduated from kindergarden you know nothing unusual

Fast forward to elementary school, here is where it gets bad, I got to know this twins which were really friendly and then there were this guys who i don't remember what I said or did to make them hate me, I truly don't remember, I am not saying I am a saint but wth did I do, the beat me at least once a day, nobody did nothing and I didn't say a word

I somehow got a "girlfriend" which we kiss just once and for a fraction of a second like a tick, nothing special, they told our parents they got mad etc, I forgot to put this but in this time my dad pick me up from school, he gave me my PSP which was truly special for me with one game, Lego Star wars

After sometime I finally got in daycare after school, so this meant my dad was not going to pick me up, but my mom which came like 7 p.m, in the mean time i signed up for the soccer team, I was friend with the teacher this was when the Rango movíe came out (the movie with a lizard) and he called me Rango, I like it, he put me in the team of soccer but my bullies were there too, they even threatened me to get out of the football team, I told the teacher, but the best he could do was change the team I was on, I was on second grade (yeah two years had passed) so the put me on the team of first grade first as defense then as a goalkeeper, but I didn't stop a single goal, I was a fail, my team hated me, teacher said it was okey, I only needed more practice but I didn't want more practice so I got out

One day while i was walking in school I got a candy like this 🍭, i bought it with the money my mom gave me, but I don't know WTH it had in it, I started coughing blood, no joke I thought I was going to die, it was a very traumatic experience and then I got robbed a candy just like that one from a huge girl, she was to tall and took it out of my mouth to her mouth I cried, from all those things that happened to me I gained weight, like a ton of weight

My grades were "normal" I was not failing any grades even though I never sent homework because I hated it, in my house I wanted to see youtube or play games on my pc or in my PSP I didn't want anything to do with school after being beaten up like a training sack, i just wanted to rest

And you may ask "how come your parents never noticed this?" Well when my mom pick me up from school and asked me how my day was I always said the same thing "it went good, I learned about how plants produce oxygen" she never truly noticed this, but she did noticed my grades which like a said were not bad but were not good, she beat me for my grades not like a punch more like spinking my butt and she repeatedly said I was a misfortune for the family, how can i do this to her, etc (tipical things your parents say to you when you do something wrong) after the beating she usually grounded me for a month, no computer and no PSP and to ensure this, she hide my PSP, so now I was home, nothing was different I just couldn't see YouTube I never watched tv so I was in my room doing nothing

In daycare I was even the beating sack for the teachers, I mean not literally, you see there was this teacher that used to bring this Nintendo to distract kids that were staying late, so gave it to every kids but not me, not even once, so I often saw how other kids were playing with this Nintendo while Everytime I asked if I could borrow it I got a straight no, so I stopped asking, i wasn't a saint i sometimes did bad things like talk back to some teachers in a rude way

One day everything changed, I was in daycare as usual, we were only to kids left it was late there was no light outside, i was finishing storing the toys i was playing with, a teacher came and called the kid, they came for him, the teacher told me to store the toys that kid used, but I didn't want to, I didn't do that mess, I refused to clean the mess other did, the teacher didn't like that, she yelled at me for not doing it, after some seconds of her yelling at me I got to it, I started storing the toys while I was crying

When mom picked me up, not long after I finished storing the toys, I don't know what changed, what happen or what broke me, I cried so loud in the car I explained everything to the beating to that night, mom got angry, not at me, but at the teacher, she got out of the car, called the teacher and i watched in the rear-view mirror that the teacher was crying while my mom was talking to her

Next day mom told me I was getting out of that school, I said bye to the twins one of them gifted me a blue airplane toy, i still have it, i don't remember were but i still have it, when I got out of that elementary school mom and i were visiting some schools asking if the do have daycare, because even if a was going to cahgne school mom and dad couldn't pick me up in time, we finally came across this school and when I got to this new school, they make me do a test to know how much a knew, really simple test just a bunch of questions like "what was the big bang?" And so on, this was when I was in third grade almost fourth, i did well in the test so i got in the greade i was supossed to be

In my first day i tried to make some friends, but I didn't knew how to, so instead I got enemies because i was rude, and said hurtfull things but this guys knew how to talk back and it hurt way more than the things i said, don't take me wrong i am not mad at them at all, that was my fault i deserved that, but some times i think they take it to far, like one time this girl i was mocking of the bulling i suffered

But 2 guys hang out with me, so we became friends, i could only see them in lunch time we played almost everyday some other days we just talked about diferent games like minecraft, halo things like that, so i grew bound to them, i didn't have money to bought those games so i whatched gameplays or lied about playing it, Unfortunately lying was becoming a bit of an habit first it was to my friends, later on it to my parents, i lerned how to lie, how to talk in order to gain credibility, my lies were perfect (i will stop this right here, you will see why in a while)

In my first day in daycare i lost the bus that was suposed to take me there, so they had the call the bus to came back for me, when i got there i got to know this kids I got along with them and I even liked one girl, I kept it a secret for some time, but there was this guy which was in sixth grade, he was rude, talked back to al teachers, and basically was bad, he tried to peek through a window to see a girl changing clothes, he pulled girls hair with force just to bother them, but he was not there much time so I didn't get a bad influence

But what i did noticed here is that my vocabulary was not from a kid, i used to say a lot of bad words curses to be clear, which kids from my other school said as nothing so i said the same thing, but teachers told me those were not supposed to get out of my mouth i understud so i stopped almost immediately

I met this teacher which was like a second mother for me, she I also met this guy who I hang out the most, one day we were playing truth or dare, between this guy and me, I got dare to confess the girl I liked, this girl was a friend we were no strangers but when I confessed my feelings to her through a letter, she cried she did not respond she just started crying, even now I don't know why, but she did that, which lead to me never confessing my feelings to anyone again, my grades were the same I was getting 8 some times 9, English was (and is) my worst, I was getting 7 or so remember I was not sending homework or projects, just the exams were enough, but the beating didn't stop

This is all for now part 2 coming (I don't know when)

Sometimes we need an inspirational boost. That is available on Facebook pages - a few words that remind us everything is and will be OK.

However, if you need a deeper story of how to be a powerful force in life, read personal stories. I love Maya Angelou's Wouldn't Take Nothing For my Journey Now. I thrive on Leo Buscaglia's Living, Loving & Learning.

I am trying to provide the same inspiration. Brenda's Newsletter: Make it Happen.https://brendamahler.substack.com/

This is just a silly tale from my last few so don't waste your time if you are after angst or depth 😊

A friend and I walk her dog together most evenings; we enjoy the exercise and the opportunity to have a really good goss.

Last week, my friend and her family were away so I decided to walk our route on my own. Unfortunately, I misjudged a paving stone and did a spectacular face plant on the side of the road. I lay there, in not inconsiderable pain, and found myself wondering if I was going to be able to get up. Suddenly, I saw two young men hurrying towards me (clearly coming to help) and I don't think I have ever moved so fast. It turns out that embarrassment is a huge motivating factor so I pulled myself up and headed (limped 😂) as speedily as I could in the opposite direction.

I got home to coffee and sympathy along with my very kind partner cleaning my bloody legs and feeding me biscuits (for the shock😂).

So I am a single average guy and I work in an office with friendly people and have a few people I like but are much older than me. I go in to see a few of them or to get stuff done but when I can I would work at home so I can relax watch tv and listen to music while I got on with work.

Because my colleagues are older and have marriages or children I felt a little lonely and looked at other jobs. But then we had a new person join one of the seperate teams. A girl my age who I helped get started. We were on call and I only saw her picture and heard a kind voice at first while I helped her get integrated with the systems. I thought she was pretty but that was it.

Then a few weeks later she started and we were introduced properly to eachother. I thought nothing of it at first except that she was way more pretty in person than her work picture could be.

And that was that for another few months. We spoke and chatted but to me she was another coworker and I wanted to get on with my job and was looking at leaving or taking on other responsibilities to be promoted.

Then one quiet day I was in just to make sure people was doing their jobs properly and spent some time with her just the two of us. We just chatted about work and stuff and I thought she was kind of nice. Not stuck up or self absorbed. Friendly and caring. After that we became sort of friends.

I'd speak to her from time to time. Mostly if we were both in. But I was still working from home as much as I could. I still didn't know her well but got an idea of who she was.

One day we got the chance to hang out outside of work with some others and I discovered she had similar intrests as me. But that she was seeing someone also. I had developed a bit more of an interest in her at that point and it felt like such a kick to the balls but I accepted it.

We still chatted and spoke but I was content with us being mates. We'd have lunch and joke about. Talk about work and then when I started having some personal problems. She was very supportive and gave me a shoulder to lean on while I dealt with it. We became closer.

One time when I was feeling really down I asked if I could call her and we spoke for an hour about random things to take my mind off what I was dealing with. I insisted half way through that I go, so we could get on with our work. But she said she didn't mind and wanted to talk. I felt like she became my work best friend.

I'd come in more just to see her. Hang out at lunch and talk whenever we had the chance. I'd help her with her work if she was stuck or didn't understand something. She once told me that a few times she asked me just to have an excuse to talk and wished we were a part of the same team so she didn't need the excuse or seem so needy.

I found myself really caring about her after a while. But I didn't think about it much until a few weeks ago. I started asking myself why I was doing all these things for someone at work. It was because they were the only person to make my life more fun. I had friends at work before who left for other places. But nothing that drew me in and made my day brighter like this and I realised I was really falling for her.

But alas, even though we spent time together in and out of work. Joked about made fun of and supported eachother. Had a good laugh, she was with someone. I never could tell her how I felt. Out of respect for her and her relationship. I'd just be the guy she works with. So I withdrew and it's gone back to mundane working and going home to sit in my chair play music and watching tv.

I've imagined what could be and if it could ever work. Told friends how I felt and listened to their advice. I still see her at work but I don't talk to her as much. Just if she asks for a bit of help. I don't know if she's noticed my withdrawal yet but she hasn't said something so I don't know if she's bothered about it. I am avoiding her where I can. Worst part is trying to let it go.

I am new to this community. I have been through ups and downs in life like everyone.. currently working through quitting Kratom (have been off CT for about 18 days). Issue I am having is being thankful for what I have, and my mind thinking “oh you could have it better” or something, when I know it’s not true. I know it’s brain chemicals not properly working yet, but I wanted to post about my current life and look for some positive words or “bro.. your life is fine”.

Been married for 8 years, together for about 12 years. We have two kids (5 and 2 yr olds), and a third on the way. We live in a nice area, we have a pretty nice house for being early 30’s. My job is as a software developer (sort of). Unfortunately my time for hobbies are extremely limited to workouts, and gaming (after taking Preworkout) I found myself not being mentally happy during COVID (like most people), and sought out something to help me survive mentally as at the time I was stuck home alone, all day long when my job at the time was always around people. I found something called Kratom. I thought it was great! Now for a little back story:

In college had multiple knee surgeries (athletics) and at the time they would prescribe 80 perc’s for pain management each time.. I remember those days as being a fun time in my life and feeling great.

Back to now, Kratom started to make me feel like that again (it acts like an opiate)…. Fast forward 4 years and daily usages and multiple attempts to quit, until here I am now looking at life with emotions altered and not feeling the same anymore. I am trying to refocus my life and get my sights set back on goals, but I am having a hard time landing on what that should be, which leads me to “is my current life actually in a good place?”. I feel like a bitch sometimes and wish I could revert back to being a hardass, but I can’t do that for the sake of my children. I know no one will have the answer but me, in the end, but maybe someone will have a point of view or statement that could spur me on a path of rediscovery.

Hello! New to Reddit and to posting such stuff. I never had an account till now and felt this maybe the only place I could just... scream/cry into the void? No one knows me on here or could link this story even to me. So below will be my life story till now. Its long and well, got its ups and downs. Sorry if it sounds rambling and may even jump back and forth timeline wise. I just feel I want to say it all out in order to help myself move past my past. And just maybe look forward, so here goes.

I'm a 31(F) who is pretty much isolated from the world while not at the same time. The only family I really have is my brother who is 34, Ill call him John for the story. Also have a half sister(ill call Karen) that's in her early/mid 50s born on my mothers side and she has 2 kids(they will come in later). My parent had my brother and I later in life. I had a pretty normal childhood till around 5th grade. When my mother first went into the hospital. A neighbor had pick me and friends up from school and when we were pulling into the driveway I saw my mother barely walking across the yard towards our neighbors house with blood dripping down her head. My friends mom called 911 and she was rushed to the hospital. We had a large cabinet above the washer that when doing laundry had hit her head pretty bad. I would later see her in the ICU(despite the nurses advising child not be present we were still told would could see her) I still remember how she looked. Doctors had her hooked up to over a dozen IVs. Not something a kid should have seen. Before this my half sister and mother were very estranged do to something I honestly don't remember. But they both held grudges against each other. So never knew about them till my dad informed my brother and I she was coming to see our mom since the doctors didn't have a lot of good news and though she could very well pass away. So in the hospital parking lot met her, note Im in 5th grade and she has kids. And technically my niece is only 6 months younger than me. A mother and daughter pregnant at the same time situation. But we went to the mall to "bond" and talk while my brother and dad stayed at the hospital.

My mother would recover but sadly her health mentally and physical would start to decline. As I started middle school I learned just how bad. She was an alcoholic, and over the course of the next few years it would send her back into the hospital over and over. From one thing or another, mainly caused by her drinking. A fall she could not get up from, pain so bad it would turn out to be her body failing from the poison she kept introducing. Needless to say I hated her drinking, she tried to hide it but she was bad at it. It was very rare it got physical and the 1 or 2 times it did with me was a slap to the face. Only because I didn't want to give into her and help get more. Or told her enough was enough. Well after another near death experience while I was in high school she said enough and stopped drinking(mostly, yeah I know) But her health was still bad and was still in the hospital for many things. Because of this we always had medical related debt and bills piled high. My dad always did his best to stay strong and worked long hours to provide for us. But because of that I didn't have many chances or options to be outside the house through middle school and high school. I had some friends but they lived further away where I could not just walk to their houses. And going out and doing normal activities with friends was few and far between. I went to movies with family and stuff like that which was nice and loved doing but missed out socially 99 percent of the time when it came to outside of family. Which for most of the time consisted of me, my brother, our parents, and my sister and her kids.

During middle school I would go through something no child should go through. A family member of a friend stayed over the summer. He was older then me by several years. I was 12-13 at the time. He became friends with my brother and friends with me. But things changed one night during a sleepover. I wont go further into details. But I was sexually assaulted/molested multiple times that summer. No one would ever know till my father passed way last year and the hell down memory lane took me back to hell.

I tried in high school to meet friends and do stuff outside but it was difficult. With my mother regularly in and out of the hospital and for weeks at a time, it was hard to find time. And the few times I wanted my dad to take me some where after he got off work(to meet friends) it would be met with "Your mother is in the hospital and we need to see her" but that was everyday. I loved my mother and still do. I had not problem visiting her and trying to do my best but I would resent her for a long time. As her stints in the er and long stays always came back to her drinking. I felt like I was being punished for her mistakes and problems. She had sever depression on top of the drinking. And at one point attempted "self ending". Came home to find my brother and dad home and her sitting on the couch where she pretty much lived(yeah she slept on the couch as it was more comfortable). I was sat down at the kitchen table only to be told by my mother that she wanted to die so she would be a disappointment to me. I broke. I didn't know what the fuck happened or why she would think that. But as quickly as it had happened the talk was over with very few words. My brother and dad went about the rest of the day and I had no answered to questions I had. End the end I would walkaway felling I caused my mother to be suicidal. And no I was not acting out and being the "troubled teen". Yeah I was not very talkative but never said anything toward my family in a negative way. I'm far from confrontational, it takes a ton and I mean a ton for me to got off someone. Let alone air out feelings. So I was blindsided when I was pretty much blamed for her attempt. I would carry this till my father pasted away last year. Never got answers. But as with many things in our family life moved on like it never happened.

Through out my high school years I fell into a really bad depression and got sick a lot, me getting sick started late middle school though. Went to many doctors and was told different things. Some stuff needed followed up on, never did. Fought with my dad a lot when it came to going to school since the school was getting on him and my mom. I stayed out of school not just because I would feel really sick(often in a lot of pain) but also because I was bullied by both student and teachers. I didn't want to go there just feel worse even though staying home meant fighting or just not wanting to exist. I could never go to them about it, it always was dismissed with "you have to go, no other choice, end of discussion" or "you just faking it so you don't have to go". Yeah it would be a couple of years before a doctor figured out wtf was wrong and prescribed me something. Only then did my dad start acknowledging my health issues. But since money is a big factor in the health department I was still shrugged off a lot when I complain. If I had a tooth problem and wanted to get it checkout out I would be handed a bottle of Advil or something. Nope to the dentist, and yup I got a lot of problems there lol. As for the bully stuff all I could do was suck it up and move on. Yeah nothing got changed there. During those times I was having the thoughts of "offing" oneself but was always to scared or just felt hurt that maybe I would not be missed. Or something along those lines. Even a note as a cry for help would get crumbled up by my mom and thrown the garbage can. Only to be told "its just a faze, you'll grow out of it" Yeahhhhhh I know >>

As I entered my junior and senor year in high school it started to become apparent my mothers health was only getting worse and it was risky leaving her by herself for long periods of time. My brother graduated late and not with his class(will come up later) but he moved out and into a apartment with friends. He was starting his own life outside the house. He knowledge's and has since apologized for it was he moved to get away from our parents and the house. Leaving me to handle our mother and father on my own. My brother had a lot to deal with himself and I dont blame him for leaving but it still hurt. Since he moved out I was the only one left to take care of our mom. So that meant not going out a lot(already didnt) and taking care of her. I pretty much was the at home caretaker without being asked. Didn't have options really, couldn't afford a professional caretaker and I was still living at home anyway. And if your wondering why not have friends come over to my house? Mainly because my mother didn't want people to see her. See her in her condition or the house. She never thought the house was clean enough or good enough to invite people. So yup no to bringing people over. And personally I stopped wanting to bring people for the same reasons. I felt like I would be introducing friends to a awkward or wired situation. Most of my friends had and idea but never knew the extent of my family problems.

Finally high school would come to a close where it would start a new set of drama involving my sister and her family. Ill start with my graduation :D It sucked! Yup I'm gunna finally say it. It sucked lol So with all my absences in school no one thought I would even graduate. My grades were okay but not As. I worked my as/s off to walk the walk with my friends and I did it! I got to walk with the rest of my class and get that diploma. So quick backstory for the next part, my father was a Vietnam veteran, a USMC vet. He spent 2 tours and his brother want to as well but his eyes were bad enough he could not. But our granddad was also military(long pasted). So we were a military family. My brother want to join by our dad threated him not to. To my brother disappointment. But yup its a big deal in our finally to talk about serving or of such even if he didn't want his son or me to join. Back to the day of graduating, I'm getting ready all excited thinking about what questions I'm going to get asked and how to answer them. Thinking about the future and so on. My sister and her 2 kids are coming to meet us at the house to drive. This whole time i was on great terms with them. Thought I was even good friends with my niece. She actually is the reason I got into drawing and that its even my career. How I make a living to this day. When they go to our house it started all nice and fun for 5 minutes standing outside. I went back in to finish getting ready when the bomb dropped. My niece decided to announce her going into the Army. Yup it was over. Like that my dad and brother were all over the graduation and wanted to talk about her plans of going into the army. To sum up the rest of the day, I was quiet and waiting to be asked questions or getting some praise from pulling off graduating despite the odds. Nope, didnt even take pictures outside with the diploma. I was supposed to pick the place for dinner, new flash it got changed to something else. And by time we got home I was numb. Defeated. In the car and at dinner it was all military talk. I was happy for her but it felt like she had picked the worse time to make such an announcement. It was. While everyone else was in the living continuing their talk I took a shower and cried. After I went and laid down in my bedroom to cry more. It took I don't know how long before they came to talk to me asking what was wrong. I was a mess to say the least and told them. My sist and niece left my sister mad af and niece didnt seem to care and gave a half as/s apologies. My dad and brother didnt say anything and was per our house life" shit moved on" Acted as nothing was wrong and my dad would say I made a big deal out of nothing. Or blowing it up.

With that sour note I move onto community college close to the house since I still had to take care of my mother. During this time my brother would meet someone(would marry/then divorced and later regret not listening to us) While he was married and sadly struggling so was our sister and her small family. My sisters husband was cheating on her with the next door neighbor. Trying to keep long story short he left my sister for the side chick and her kids. Because my niece was sterile(her mom made the decision when she was a baby with health issues) her dad didnt see her as a women and could not have kids so pretty much cut her off and his son was pretty much abandoned in favor of the other family. Yup it was a shit show. This set my nephew on a bad path. Drugs, stealing, fighting, not going to school. While this unfolded my niece choose to get into the army to get away from it all(never said it but was pretty clear). With all the trouble he was getting into and since I was stay at home caretaker from my mother I then began to have to watch my nephew too. I quickly became the snitch as I would be the one to notice to find stuff. My sister had to work to pay for court and just living. So he would stay over at our house a lot of the time. I loved him when he was not using. He was a nice and honest kid. Fun to play call of duty with and just hang out. But when he was high he was another person. An a hole and risktaker. During this as well my brother and his wife had to move back into the house as they were struggling finicality. They both sucked at handling money but his wife was 10x worse. He worked under our dad at a really good job and was making a lot for his age. But it was always got quick. So the house got crowded. It was straining on everyone but we couldn't do much.

Since my nephew was going through a lot my sister and day butted heads on how to handle him. He was only getting worse and my sister sadly didn't know what discipline means. She had the hardest time telling her son no or getting him to change. He had bad health problems as a kid and even now(hes got a pacemaker now, hes only in his 20s) so she always spoiled him and she would acknowledge he did wrong but nothing else. My dad wanted him to pay him back for damages to property or stealing(he stole a couple hundred from him) and would make him do chores and other stuff to try and teach him. To of course my sister getting upset and saying it was unfair. Yeah unfair that he broke shit and stole from family *rolls eyes* But I was the middle ground, the mediator between the two. Often times the only one that could end an argument or come to a peaceful middle ground. It would backfire hard on me. During one incident I snitched on my nephew after finding his drugs in the bathroom closet. Once he got back home he broke a tone of my sisters priced family figures and other stuff and ran away. Later I would be blamed by my dad for not letting him handle things his way. Yeah that freaking hurt. But it would come to a final explosion one morning. And boy was it big.

So my brother had to get up at like 3am to go to work and then head to another state for business. Well he work up to discover our nephew missing so so was his wife's car. Yup he pulled a irl grand theft auto int eh middle of the night. He woke us up and he left for work as well he had not choice it was important work. We called my sister and she rushed over. I went with her to go looking as she called him over and over scared to death. No answer, no for a while till finally she got a call back. It was an officer. I think an hour or 2 had pasted from finding out since the sun was starting to rise. He total the car going at very high speed on the freeway and ran into a construction zone. Thankfully no one was hurt, not even him. But it was bad. He didnt have a learners permit and his mom only took him to learn in an empty parking lot twice. Not only that, he confessed to taking his airsoft gun and using it to steal drugs from a dealer. He did it all for dugs. He was shut down mentally when we got there. Didnt say a word. I was PISSED, my sister was distraught and had no idea what to do next. She was already on the verge of loosing another job because of having to take off work to handle him. She couldn't afford to loose another. She dropped him off back at our house while she tired to go to work and handle the police stuff. I lectured him for the first time ever. He was just sat on the couch not moving and silent. Once I was done I went about my day pretty much. My sister was texting me all day trying to figure everything out. My dad and called and talked to her and he had enough and put his foot down. And welp I agreed with my dad on this. Enough was enough. The main thing my father wanted to do was take his xbox away from him and maybe even sell it to help pay for the car. Drop in the bucket but it was something. My sister BLEW UP. The xbox was all my nephew really cared about. He lived on that thing. And as avid gamer myself, id hate it to but omg. Its all he did all day was play games. My sister could not fathom that idea. And when I didnt agree with her, all of a sudden it was my fault. Yup I was to now blame.

I loved my sister and her family despite everything going on. I though of them as close and family takes care of family. My dads main principle so to speak. But now Im some sort of monster that was not the one supposed to be watching him, taking him to school, to his therapists and so on. She told me through text our mom was to watch him, which our mom was asleep most of the time, sick, in and out of the hospital and now dealing with an opioid addiction to replace the alcohol. Yup my mom went from one vice to another. She would go on to say it my fault her son has an addiction, has problems and so on. And she would then accuse me of calling him a monster. I NEVER EVER called him that. But she wanted to blame someone other than herself for what was happening. I showed the texts to the rest of the family. They were pissed. Que my sister calling our mom all kinds of horrible shit to her over the phone and even someone made it racist (we are all white and im still very confused to this day wtf she was trying to mean). After she cut all contact with us. Leaving it all as Im the one to blame and never loved her or her kids. Yup rip to that part of the family. It was just me, bro, his wife and our parents.

As time move on and not contact from her we tried to just move on and do our best. My mothers health would get worse and worse to the point where I could not risk leaving the house for more then 10 minutes unless someone else could watch her. She was a major fall risk among other things. She was on oxygen, and despite that was a chain smoker like my dad. Take the cigs away and the hell was worse then the risk of the oxygen bottle exploding. So that meant me not really leaving the house. I was driving my brothers wife to work but her dad got her a new car and finally a license to drive. She had a car before but could not drive it yet. Since I got mine at 18 I was also put in charge of helping take her to work. "Its what family does" . Another reason the GTA situation was so bad. So I became very introverted thanks to this.

Well a few months before my 21st birthday my moms health took another turn. She had all her teeth removed and was working on dentures. She sadly never took good care of herself and it led to complications with her mouth. She start to spit up blood. Her doctor said she needed to go to the ER downtown as they are supposed to help those who cant afford it. WRONG. We knew something awful was going on and had ideas. My bro and dad took her while I stayed home. It took over 12 hours to get her in and get tests done. They came home at 4 in the morning after they were told they could go home and she could be there a few days. An hour after getting home my mother calls our dad saying they want her out. They leaned we were pretty much broke and told to come here as they had ways to help in these satiations. I went back up with dad to get here and try and get them to let her stay and get help. Nope the nurse was so kind and sympathetic. She was a wonderful nurse. The doctor though told us they cant those who cant pay. And that was. They discharged her and we went home. We did talk with a worker there that stated if we go a special card she could come back. But that would take months to get. The car ride was silent and awkward. The doctor that told use to go was surprised but also not. He said it was the only thing he could think of to help. A few months later, it crashed down.

I woke up to my brother waking me up early in the morning, my dad on the phone to 911, my mother on the floor unresponsive. Not like other times when she fell and hit something or her head. I had never seen my dad more scared in my life. She was rushed to the hospital and in sever condition. She hit her head pretty bad when she fell. It looked like she tried to get up and feed the animals like she always like to do but missed stepped. She would be in ICU her entire stay. Not wake for 90 percent of it. It would also be the first time I would not see her in the hospital everyday. I had a really had time going to see her. I didnt know what to feel. I was so used to her hospital stays, her falls, multiple times all of us by her bed side while a pastor my dad was friends with would help use say good bye. Yup that would happen several times in my life, middle school and high school and now in adulthood. Never gets easier saying goodbye when you think it was going to happen. But she somehow would pull through and come home. This time felt so different. And once we got test results back the news was shocking but expected. She had cancer in her jaw/mouth. And the hit she took to her head made everything worse. She was dying. This was it.

She would be in and out to consciousness for a few weeks. Hospice care was set up. And what felt like a life time she was coming home via a ambulance. A hospital bed was set up next to my dads chair so he could be with her. We took turns watching her and taking care of her. She would pass after 3 days being home. It was pure emptiness being woken up by my brother at 4am to tell me she passed. We all sat and waited for the care workers to show up and confirm. Before she was brough home our dad contacted our sister to tell her the news. My sister was adamant that if out mom wanted to say good bye she could call her herself. Our mother didn't even had the strength to move her arms, she could hardly talk well. Back to the day she passed, I went outside with my dad and we both cried. The only time I had ever seen him cry. They had issues between each other for sure. But they loved each other know doubt. But it was time to call my sister and let her know. We had called her several time stressing the satiation was bad and she could come over to say goodbye but she would just repeat her earlier statement. When she heard she started crying and then started blaming us for her death. And then started to blame me specifically as the reason our mom was sick and how she ended up with cancer. Yup I got blamed for my mom having cancer. My dad hung up after she went back to crying. I was pissed of course but also just numb. The funeral was going to just be us including my sister and son as her daughter had moved north with her husband after she flunked out of the military. Oh forgot to mention that lol She could not cut it in the army. Was sent home to where the chaos was till ongoing so she married the first guy she met(high school lover satiation) and moved north accouple of hours to get away from family. She of course never said it but was very obvious to us what she was trying to do. Cant say I blame her but I still didn't like the idea of abandoning family. But then again maybe I was jealous she could do what I couldn't. Sadly that life she tired to make to this day has not gone well for her. At least from what I heard. She pretty much no contact us apart from her mom and brother. Back to the funeral. My dad is big on blood is thicker then water and even though hes not blood related we are so he saw her as a daughter like me. So the day of the funeral came and they both shook hands with my brother and dad but would not look at me. To them I was just something standing there. It was small and short. With everything going on my parent kept their/our lives hidden so even those who knew where at a distance.

I would turn 21 a month later without my mom. And later that year my sister would contact us to say shes moving up north to be near her daughter and wanted to apologize for how everything went down. I saw it for what it was off the bat. She needed something. She needed money to help move while she said she didnt want to leave town on bad terms with us. Since her move the only time she talked to use or saw us was because she need something. Even on birthday and holidays. She'd call to express the occasion then go on a long pity party of her life and that see needs help or money or something. Never to just mend things or talk. It always had a some tied to.

Over the years since I had become so introverted it was really hard getting out and doing things. Art had become my life line. Its my passion and job to this day. I love art, I love art. And as I stated before I love video games as well xD I met many people over the years online. It xbox/discord chats. It was my connection to people. I can go out and do chores but its harder then you think since I was never social as a kid growing up in the situation. Never had people to confide in to, or really get to know. I met an awesome group of people via Destiny 2 yup good old game that has now crashed. And knew them for several years. Even got to exchange presets for Christmas. This was a first for me. Even though states way it showed they cared. It was fun picking things out and sending them. This group was like a family for me. A family outside of family you know? But that to was to fall down. Wont go into details on this but they knew each other irl and we didnt. The friend we knew the longest pretty much stabbed me and my brother in the back. And despite the rest of the group being confused af and not agreeing with their friend still choose to do nothing. Their stance was "hes not made at us, just your 2, its between y'all not us" and that one friend(or thought he was) went out of his way to make sure we were to be excluded as much as possible. Despite blocking him on everything he founds was to harass us and keep us way from the friend group. So now we no longer talk anyone from there except the occasion time one hops into our party to act like nothings wrong. We have a couple that still talk to us but its few and far between now. Its made socializing even harder now. My anxiety of getting close to others only to know it could all be fake or it turns out Im just not worth keeping around it insane now. I have the hardest time going out and have a basic conversation. Im now even scared to drive since its be 7 years since I last drove.

Now to the last year, my father after my mothers death took it hard. But he went back to work, work is what he loved doing. And it hurt as it was something that always seemed to get in the way while was needed. We needed the money but he was always absent emotionally. As my mental health got worse after my moms passing I started to open up more about my problems growing up and how I wanted to talk to someone. Sadly with that it was hard on my dad. Note I only started bring this up over the last 2 years. 5 years after my mothers passing. Covid hit hard and the stress from it nearly broke me. My fathers health started to really decline with him being home as his work was considered non essential and was closed for a long time. He was a working man and its how he even wanted to retire. Getting paid but showing up when he wanted to just poke in and say hi the shop floor. Sadly that would never happen. He had his fair share of health problem over the years like my mom. 10 years ago he was diagnosed with heart problems and 5 years after a stint was put into his heart. After that he had major back surgery that it it had gone wrong would meant him being in a wheelchair. He recovered from all that but it was still a lot on a late 60's year old man. Then last year happened when he was having problems with his ocpd. Normal for the time of year and one morning it was bad so my brother came home from work to take him to the ER. Our dad apart from his breathing seemed normal. Even joked about a huge shit he took right before my brother call 911. All of a sudden our dad says he can't walk. The emts check him out and this vitals were normal. They wanted him checkout so they put him in the back of an ambulance and to the hospital. This was the first time he ever was taken to the hospital that way. And by time I got dressed they had him in the back. I didnt tell him before they left that I loved him and we see them there. And that everything would be ok. When they got there his heart stopped. Sadly we knew even outside the room as doctors and nurses where in and out what had happened. Knew too much from out mother what numbers that were said meant. He was rushed into surgery where another stint was put in his heart. They could not get him back and he passed away. He was gone in a matter of 3 hours. From laughing about taking a big shit to gone.

My brother and I just sat and cried in the hospital room where the broke the news. It still sometimes doesn't feel real. But here I am typing this. Nearly a year later. He was a kind and gentle man. He had his faults and problems but he was an amazing dad non the less. I miss him and mom every day. And I hope they are at peace with each other up top. That they are both no longer in pain or suffering.

As all the above, Ive never had a normal job, no friends outside of online and even now that's pretty much gone. Im working my butt off to make more of my art and career and I want to hope for the future despite the hell that has been my past. And there is of course a lot missing from here as this is long already. But since I have no one out side my brother really. No one knows me, sees me, or cares about me. I am just me, and a literal nobody. I know I have to work towards changing that, and it will be hard still. But I feel I have to at least scream into the void once before I can move on. And maybe, just maybe live. For once live. I have dreams and I have hope, maybe I can live them. If you read all that, thank you. You maybe the only person to listen/read to me and my life. I want to move on from my past but I want to it at least be known to someone outside myself. So that I can forge a new way. Thank you.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn life around.” — Leo Buscaglia

We all wish to feel better — happier, healthier, hopeful, human. However, we make self improvement harder than it needs to be. How about taking the Alphabet Challenge? You think you don’t have time in your day?

It only takes 3–5 minutes while you drink your morning beverage.

OMG I just pulled two politically incorrect moves that’s going to get me cancelled. I saw a colleague I’ve known for several years but not in the last couple. I had heard through the grapevine she was pregnant. I saw her and was amazed by her baby-bump and said “congratulations!” (cringe #1) and proceeded to touch her belly (cringe #2). The women surrounding her stopped, looked at me and then another woman turned and said “you know her baby is already 8 months old, right?” I was so embarrassed. I apologized profusely. The colleague was kind and said “don’t worry” but I’m mortified.

What hilarious, embarrassing or regrettable mistake have you made?

In the chilling tale "Whispers in the Dark," a young protagonist finds themselves haunted by sinister whispers and shadowy figures. What begins as faint sounds at night quickly escalates into a terrifying ordeal, as a dark entity invades their home and mind. The protagonist's desperate attempts to document their experiences reveal a harrowing journey through fear and isolation. Just as the darkness seems to consume them completely, a miraculous light breaks through, dispelling the shadows and silencing the whispers. This story is a gripping exploration of the thin line between despair and hope, reminding readers that even in the darkest moments, light can find a way.

https://youtube.com/shorts/njXW1GsW8KI?si=RQrC7OpvPrs8CrQo

I'm not on any social media, I've not been able to find an antisocial media. So this is new. (I'm now kind of hard wired to the loner lifestyle) I was raised in a logging, christian, deeply rural area in the 1950's. The only native American (1/2), yeah I endured everything that comes with it. A totally non-communicative family, left to my own in figuring out life. A succession of off the charts step fathers. The needle went into my arm in the late 1960's...meth...pure... pharmaceutical grade Desoxyn. Later very well made crank. No social anchors to slow my descent. Runs of 1 1/2 weeks, sleep for 2 hours, next run. Lived in abandoned apartments alone, as I always had been. Years later the big fuse was blown, police found me sitting on a curb, everything was gone, name, ability to talk, location... all gone. Somehow I found myself in a mansion deep in the woods, a 1 year in-patient treatment. I didn't know where I was, or what treatment was. One week before graduating I was kicked out for using. Bad to worse, unfamiliar area, my normal using messed up, I resorted to crime. Arrested, past felonies equaled correction center. They said nope, no way, I was sent to the state penitentiary for the rest of the 70''s. Got out, back in the spoon, switched to smoking PCP , then heroin on and on and on. Moved to a different part of the state, got out of the spoon, mostly, shot eight balls of coke for awhile. Decided to go completely to alcohol, bad decision. Drank 151 rum, eventually 3 fifths every day. Died in my cabin in the woods. 1996 Somehow came back. No detox or withdrawals just deep fog for a year.. two???. I had almost died a few times from trying to detox cold turkey in the past before that. Got my first job, first car, went to college, very difficult as I never studied in any grade from 3rd on. Got 3 separate degrees with an almost 4.0 average. Continued work until retirement 13 years ago. I still live on the same 7 acres the cabin was on. I am happy, changed every negative character trait over a 20 year period, live in truth, and integrity as best I can. This is only bare bones accounting, sometimes it feels like I've lived 10 lives. Hope this is something someone needs to hear. Remember, there isn't anything you can't do. Just try to make your world a little bigger and better every day. My best to all.

I have been struggling for the longest time and I think I owe it to myself to let it out. I hope I don't waste anyone's time. Content warning, the following story is very messed up and very sad. Please do not read before bedtime or if you are faint of heart.

Things first started back when I was just a little kid in kindergarten. Looking back I probably had issues that people overlooked. I was a super sweet kid, but gullible and trusting to a fault. Kids would pick on me, tell me how worthless I was, tell me how nobody wanted me. I was a quiet and nerdy kid so it was pretty cliche to pick on me I suppose. This continued on all the way from kindergarten to middle school. I made friends here and then, but we always went our separate ways. I had been extremely depressed and self-hating up to this point from all the negativity, so it was quite a surprise when I found out thinks could in fact get worse.

I was the only white kid who played soccer at lunch at my middle school, so naturally I got beaten up by the dozens of other kids. I kept coming back so I guess it's kinda my fault for not getting the hint I wasn't wanted. I got hurt so bad one day my mom had to retrieve me from school cause I was struggling to walk. It wasn't the first time it'd happened but I stopped playing soccer after that day, and I haven't since. To make matters worse, girls starting spreading rumors about me. I wish I could tell you what they were, but to this day I still don't know what a single one was. Whatever they were must've been pretty funny to everyone else cause the whole school use to laugh at me near constantly for years. I stopped eating lunch in the cafeteria and would instead wait till I got home to eat with my mum. I still hate eating lunch at school, I quit band, I quit MUN, and pretty much stopped socializing all together. I regularly had lunches and school lanyards stolen from me. Every single night I'd pray I wouldn't wake up the next morning cause I was in such unimaginable pain, I'm not even particularly religious. The pain they caused me was never as bad as never knowing why. Not a single explanation or excuse. Somehow that made it worse.

You'll be happy to know high school was actually rather boring. It felt like a fresh start with nothing terribly bad going on. My junior year I asked a friend out to prom, and we came back as a couple. Things were great, we rarely fought, I felt like myself for the first time in a long time, and I was doing really well in school. We were quite literally inseparable, we talked 24/7 and often fell asleep on the phone. I could not imagine life without this person and it felt as though nothing else in the world matter. We knew things were going to get hard since I would be going out-of-state for college, but we did our best to prepare for long distance. I chose a university that had the program I wanted but as only 6 hours away so we would still be close.

Freshman year of Uni was interesting to say the least. I loved my program and my classes, but the social aspect was hell. I had lots of friends, but by god was everyone depressed and self-harming. There so many attempts I started to lose count. I was regularly going days without sleeping so I could stay up and rescue people from jumping from windows or in front of cars. Everyone was drinking and high near constantly. I think by the end of freshman year ~12 people just left, to this day I'm still not sure where they all ended up but I hope they're ok. I felt overwhelmed in a way words couldn't describe, but it was ok cause my girlfriend was there. Until she wasn't. Right before thanksgiving break, only three months in, she facetimed me to tell me we were breaking up. I remember the date. The time. The feeling. Every single second of that conversation. She told she had been talking to a bunch of people (*her friends, family members, OUR HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS) and they said we should all break up. There was no lead up or previous conversation to act as a precursor to this at all. She said she had made up her mind 3 days ago but couldn't bring herself to tell me. She said we could still be friends. I said ok and we hung up. I got up, did laundry, ate lunch with friends, did homework, and got back into bed. I didn't move or speak till the next morning. That facetime call changed me in ways I wished I could go back and fix. I started having panic attacks, bipolar episodes, thoughts of self-hard and depression in ways that were so much worse then before. It got so bad I nearly had to drop out, eventually ending up in therapy. We had been together for nearly 2 years when we broke up.

Now you might be thinking the pain of having literally everyone but me having a voice in my relationship, as well as being dumped in quite literally the worst possible time in my life would deter me from trying to fix things. Nope. She came back a couple months into sophomore year begging to get back together and fix things. I said yes. The next day she blocks me and tells me she hates me, saying she met a much better guy on Bumble. WTF. I move on, then over the summer she asked to hang out at our favorite park spot and talk about her relationship. I stupidly agree and we hangout at the park while she talks about how great her boyfriend is and all the "stuff" he does to her and how special it makes her feel. We go home, I tell her I never want to speak to her again. A year later she asks to facetime and I answer cause I never learn. Her boyfriend was at work and she wanted to talk to someone. We talk for a bit, I hang up, and text her to explain how inappropriate her behavior is. Then I blocked her on everything. Haven't spoken since.

Junior year comes around and I've been focusing on school. I meet a girl in a club and we start dating. I was not in fact ready to be dating again, but loneliness got the better of me. It was a horrific and toxic relationship, by both parties. We were both very damaged and unhealthy people, and our conflicting personalities made it worse. We broke up after ~7 months, but it felt like an eternity. I won't go into details but in summary we were both very awful to each other. It was my fault we broke up and the reason still bothers me. A few weeks after we broke up I get a message to go on a hike with them. I agree despite not feeling comfortable doing so. They pick a extremely difficult hike to do despite me not being ready for such a thing and both of us being aware of it. The hike was ok, we just talked about school and it was calm enough. A thunderstorm came rolling in however so we decided to take a switch-back rather than continue. That's when things literally went downhill. I was struggling to breath, all the while they began yelling at me to hurry up before the storm reaches. I was forcing myself through the pain and difficulty breathing, nearly blacking out a couple times. It was the most agonizing 30 minutes of my life but we made it back in the car, with me on the verge of tears. That's when the yelling started. They went off about how I never cared and how much of an awful person I was, dragging my feet and not caring abut anyone but myself. I just kept apologizing and just took the beating. I got dropped off at home, and we never hung out again. Months later I ended up in the hospital with declining heart and lung function. Whenever I bumped into the person, it would get worse. I quit my job and the club so I wouldn't be around the person anymore. I was in and out of the hospital a lot through my final year, and nobody could figure out what was wrong. It was particularly scary because at the same time my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer (He had several other chronic diseases so this was the cherry on top) and there was concern I may have contracted something chronic as well. I thought I was gonna die.

I graduated in spring 2023, and I immediately went home to take care of my dad. I took a year off just so I could help out since my parents were overwhelmed with my siblings going off to college and our money being a problem since my dad couldn't work anymore (my mom is stay at home). My heart and long problems immediately resolved, my doctor believed it may have been a symptom of PTSD. We did our best to be a family and be happy. We wanted use what time we had since we didn't know how long he had left. It was really hard but you do your best for family. I couldn't find a job or a grad program, despite having applied to ~700 jobs and interviewed with around ~20 graduate programs. Taking care of my dad was the only thing keeping me together. I hoped that the new year would be better. It wasn't. He didn't even make it a week into 2024.

He went from stable to gone in less then 24 hours. I had spent every night over the last year hyper-fixating and being manic over what I would do when the day come. Thousands of scenarios played out in my head, and every single one of them was wrong. I drove my younger siblings to the hospital and we said our final words. I still have nightmares of seeing my mom walking down the hallway from the room, my 10 yo brother begging and crying to go back. A lifetime of words couldn't describe the pain I felt in that moment. And then it was over. We went home. The world kept turning. Somehow the pain of loss is incomparable to the pain you feel when you realize that life goes on without them. It's not fair. The worse part is I never really had time to grieve, I had to help coparent my siblings with my mom while looking for a job/grad school. I still haven't told most of my friends and I probably won't, now point in worrying people so far away.

That's my life, so far anyways. At least the parts I wanted to get off my chest. Despite the unimaginable pain, I'm still going. I shouldn't have bottled it up all these years but in truth I never knew who to say it to. I hate feeling like a burden. I feel like no matter how hard I try, everything turns to shit. I couldn't save everyone, I can barely keep myself afloat. Plus I can't really catch a break.

(Good Ending) I start my M.S. in fall 2024. I'm so glad I will finally be busy again, I hated being unemployed. I'm not entirely sure what the rest of my life will be like or where I end up but hopefully I'll be resilient enough to get through it. I wish the best of luck to all those struggling out there, and I hope you know it does bounce back. Thank you to everyone who reads this, hopefully someone learns from my mistakes. It's probably a grammatical mess but I did write it at 2:30 AM with tears in my eyes so be merciful.

She disappeared. I was 11 on July 7th 2009. It wasn’t my birthday. However, it was my dad’s. Unfortunately, I wasn’t with him on this day (it wasn’t his week to have me, after all). My mom was at work, and I was on the couch playing my D.S. I vividly remember the time being 10:09 when my moms boyfriend came up the stairs from their basement bedroom to sternly tell me to take a shower. I reminded him (admittedly I might have had a small attitude) that I had just took a shower the evening before, as I had just come from my father’s that same evening, and I always take a shower before I switch houses. My mom’s boyfriend told me that I smelled, and obviously hadn’t showered, and to march upstairs to do it. I’ve always been a sensitive kid (and adult for that matter) so I cried the whole way up and in the shower. Once I calmed down, I got dressed, and asked my step dad to used to house phone to call my dad to tell him happy birthday. He tossed me the phone so I went upstairs to my room to call my dad. I wasn’t planning on telling my dad anything other than happy birthday, but that man knows his daughter, and could hear in my voice that I was upset and asked me what’s wrong. I broke down as I told him my mom’s boyfriend was “being mean to me”. My dad offered to come get me but I didn’t want to start anything so I said no, and that I’d be okay. I hung up the phone after the “I love yous” I opened the door to see my mom’s boyfriend red faced on the other side of the door. Eavesdropping. He was angry to say the least. I can’t remember what he said to me. All I do remember is his son, only a few years older than me, take me by the wrist and lead me out back to the play set we had. He had already begun dialing my mom’s work. He told her what happened and within the hour my mom was home telling me to pack anything I might want to take if I couldn’t come back, and that my dad was on the way. I waited on the porch with all my things, listing to my mom and her boyfriend scream at each other from inside the house. Then I saw my dad’s truck pull in the driveway. I grabbed all my things and ran to my dad in tears as he scooped me up and got me in the truck. I watched him walk up to the house and knock on the door. My mom came out, then exchanged words that I’m not sure o to this day, and then both walked towards the truck. My dad got in the drivers seat while my mom came over to my rolled down window. She told me she loved me and that she was going to take my little brother “somewhere safe”. And that she’d call when everything was okay. I cried as I told her I loved her and watched the house disappear behind the truck as we drove away. That was the last time I saw my mother. She called a month later and said that she took my little brother in the middle of the night to California (we are from Michigan). But his dad (the boyfriend) “found” them and took him back.

What really happened was she kidnapped my brother and his father came to come get him. I’ve spoken with him since July 7th 2009 and my mother had been feeding him lies about me and my father. He admitted that was no excuse for him to treat me the way he did as a child, and I feel no ill will towards him.

The last time I heard my mother’s voice was Super Bowl Sunday 2012. I hadn’t heard from her in a year at this point, and she had repeatedly ignored my calls and voicemails. At 9:22 pm her name popped up on my phone. I answered “Mom?”. The response? A slurred “oh shit wrong number”. And the click of her hanging up.

Fast forward to sometime in 2023. My aunt (my mother’s twin) posted a picture on facebook of my mother smoking on a meth pipe with a drama filled caption that I don’t have the brain capacity to remember. I made a petty comment which prompted my aunt to delete the photo, and send me a message saying she didn’t think I’d see it, and that I shouldn’t have. I told her I was well informed of what my mom could be getting into. I wasn’t stupid. Looking back on my childhood with Adult perspective made me realize a lot of things.

Since then my mother has disappeared. There’s plenty of other drama and trauma I could go into. This really is the “long story short” version. The only contact I had with her was what I could find on her public Facebook (we weren’t friends) but she has since deactivated her Facebook.

So I got curious.

I tried to find what I could on the internet, and it’s really like she disappeared. Her last known address I can find is the house we lived in in 2009 with her boyfriend. I haven’t paid for a background search. But I want to. I want to know SOMETHING. I want to know if she ever got a job, because I heard she didn’t. I want to know if she’s still in California. I want to know if she has a record and what for. I want to know if I have anymore siblings that I don’t know about.

I just want to fucking know something.

I wasn’t allowed to be in a relationship, but I had been secretly dating since my junior high school days. My mother was furious when she confronted me about the condoms, so I told her the truth. She wanted to meet my boyfriend and discuss the situation with his parents, so we went to their house. After the discussion, both sets of parents were so upset and disappointed that they decided to break us up.

My mother took both of my phones back to Dubai, where she works, and bought me a new one after a week. After this incident, I found out that all of my relatives on my mother’s side knew what had happened. My cousin told me that her mother had been spreading rumors about me, claiming that I kept used condoms in my bag and calling me derogatory names.

I was expecting this to happen because they have a group chat for siblings, which includes my mother and nine other people. However, I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. In my anger, I told my father that my mother had been cheating on us for the past four years.

In September 2020, my birth month, my mother decided to fly back to our country. She was quarantined for two weeks before she could come home. We celebrated my birthday, albeit a bit late. One day, while she was sleeping, I decided to use her phone. I snooped around a little and found flirty texts between her and two guys, whom I’ll refer to as Ben 1 and Ben 2. I recognized both of them, and their messages disgusted me.

They conversed like couples. I remember reading a message from Ben 2 saying, “I miss you, Habibi,” along with a photo of him on a bed with the caption, “This is the bed where we cuddled.” I was utterly disgusted reading these messages. I recognized Ben 1 because my mom often FaceTimes him whenever my dad is not at home, and she sometimes even makes me talk to him. I remember that Ben 1 has two kids. Meanwhile, I recognized Ben 2 because my mom once gave me fur shoes and made me thank Ben 2 during one of their calls.

During those times, my mom would sometimes lock herself in her room when she was on a call with someone, which aroused my suspicion and led me to snoop around her phone. I couldn’t tell anyone about it except for my best friend. She advised me not to keep it a secret any longer as it would become a burden to me. So, I confided in my other aunt about it, but she simply rationalized it by saying, “Maybe she’s just lonely or using them for our own benefits.” After that, I gave my mom the benefit of the doubt and decided not to tell anyone else again since I didn’t want to ruin our family.

In 2022, we moved to live in another place where we currently reside. I was living with my aunt (the one who spread false stories about me) and my cousins. My cousins and I grew very close to the point where I told them about it, and they were shocked until they saw my mom facetiming guys again whenever my dad wasn’t around.

For four years, I knew my mother had been cheating on us, but I kept my mouth shut because I was afraid, and I didn’t want to break my father’s heart. After finding out that my mother had been telling everyone about what happened, I had enough and told my father. He was heartbroken, and I felt guilty. He asked me why I hadn’t told him earlier, but I couldn’t answer.

Now, everyone is more upset with me, especially my cousin’s mother. She was furious and disappointed with me for hating my own mother. To this day, I still blame myself for ruining our family. Although I think my parents have made up, I still don’t talk to my mother unless my father forces me to. I remember my mother accusing me of blackmailing her for snitching, even though all I got was hatred from her family.

i made a friend group in 8th after years of getting used by every friend i had. At first i didnt want to get my hopes up that this whole friendship thing could work and even though i was in top ten in class topper 2 of my friends were good at everything. we were a group of 5 people and i still didnt want to believe any of them and i just hung out with them without hopping for it to grow into a real friendship. my 2 topper friends were always social while the rest of us three were type of introverts and we starting clicking together. when my two friends made me feel like i could finally hope for this group to have some real friendship things started to go south.the two of my topper friend were kind of judgemental so the three of us couldnt talk to them about stuff( u know the stuff friends tell each other) so we three always were kind of together and becuz of our friendship i started looking out for our group and tried to please the other two so that our group stays safe from u know conflicts... well with this things went well for 2 yrs but then when we got promoted to tenth grade, a week after we got a message from one of the topper friends (lets call her f and the other A) so Fs sister sent us a document which was written by F about her getting bullied( i mean there were other things too but the main point was that she was getting bullied) and at that time me and A were shifted to another class while the two of my good friends (lets call them R and M) were shifted to another. the five of us were distributed into three secrtions and F stayed in her original class, when we read the document we instantly knew that A was the person who kind of bullied her but we ddint want to believe it, we waited for both of them to solve it and we didnt intervene but this thing went onn for at least 6 months. i had enough and didnt want the group to break so i talked to both of them and we asked A to say sorry but she told me her sincerest friend that i wanted her to apologize so that i could step over her. it hurt me so much but i didnt pay it any attention but when A still didnt want to apologize to F and she used to tell me that she wanted to keep me and R as friends and the rest coulf f--k off i started to ignore her for F but F fought with us and said that we werent doing anything about the fact that A was bullying her and that her sisters wanted her to not talk with us. it was just me R and M then, but as always i had to go ruin everything by writing F a letter telling her to come back to us . she came back to us finally after all the efforts i did. honestly those times were so hard on me cuz i had stuff going on at home too, they were iterally very hard. anyways she came back to us and A started scheming and starting complaining to teachers and her parents that she was having a hard time and that we wronged her, that did create problems but we went through it together. me R and M fought for F with A and tried to protect her. finally tenth grade was over and so was school. and after a week or two after our last practical someone hacked my insta account and sent F pics of group chat btw me R and M. i tried to tell F that we made group for M and she didnt want toa dd u cuz M has alot of accounts and she type of plays roles of characters from novels so her stories were unappropriate and that Fs account was used by her sisters. but F told me not to make myself seem suspicious cuz she didnt want to doubt me, u see F has this problem were she dosent look at her texts for hours and leave us on seen there fore when the hacker first sent a pic of our group to her i kinda had a panic attack cuz i thought i was gonna loose her but then a thought crossed my mind that my insta account password was only with F so i asked R. but the hacker took a pic of the group chat and told her that we didnt trust her but it was very suspicious it was as if she was waiting for this opportunity and Fs texts to me were weird and she ignored the fact that some hacker hacked my account and started blaming me for talking shit about her. things got ugly amd my sister got involved and she and my cousin started looking for the hacker cuz my cousins a softwere engineer.. we found that the hacker was from the same city.. anyways my account was secured and me and F didnt talk for two days cuz F told me that we should talk a week later and for the record my sister and cousin also thought that the hacker was F. on the third day my sister got a message from Fs account. fs sister texted my sister and told her it was better to end things btw F and me and R and M and that Fs mother was very protective over F and thats why she didnt know about the whole thing my sister said okay but end it peacefully i texted F and told her goodbye and said that i was relieved that it ended this way cuz F told me it wasnt my god damn job to fix everything all the time and i said good bye to my friend for whom i ruined all my tenth but in the end i got a text from her saying that thankyou for teaching me not to emotionally attach my self to people??? like what the?? i mean u didnt even trust me and if the hacker was not u why didnt u trust me i was the friend who made i dunno a thousand efforts to u and i didnt want to loose her but she didnt trust me and just broke off everything without even thinking of clearing out anything...... yes alright i did doubt u for a sec but what do u want me to believe when ur the only one who had my passwords and the only one who was always jealous of my friendship with R and M and its not my fault ur convo and reaction to the hacker were very suspicious and bro come on who r u trying to fool..... but anyways that is the end of it now it only me R and M left and i honestly am regretting writing F a letter to come back to us i honestly ruined everything for my friends.... and one more thing if u were not thing F if u were not the hacker then why the u write the best day unironically in ur notes on the day my account was hacked and then when u finally managed to get rid of us on that day u wrote the actual best day... whats that suppose to mean? thats actually the thing that made me sure the hacker was u... if u wanted to get rid of us u should have told me u didnt have to play such a big game and u didnt have to hurt us so bad.... it really is flipping hard trust me..... when u see all ur efforts crumbling down like that twice u too would want to kill urself cuz you will think its ur fault everything is ruined...

Right out of college I became a GA for a college team, it was all fun because I was practically the same age as my players and it was going to be fun. We weren't good so we were trying to figure out how to win one or two more games than the year before. A sophomore named Joyce (obvi a fake name) started "dating" a freshman named Margaret. My Head Coach had stated time and time again that if she found out anyone was dating on our team it wasn't just their relationship anymore it was now our relationship because she didn't tolerate this. She had been a part of programs that suffered tremendously due to teammates dating and then breaking up and not wanting to play together. Fast forward, to the end of that season and we had end of a year meeting telling all the girls what they'd need to work on and whatnot. For Margaret, we told her it was her attitude and how she responds to things, and for Joyce, it was to be a better player in general because she'd become stagnant. So all the girls go home for the summer. Joyce and Margaret live about 3-4 hours apart so they aren't near each other every day. Now it is time for them to move back in and they had a big falling out over the summer because they didn't trust each other. Now our team is a lot better and a lot bigger than the one from last year, we have 12 incoming freshmen, 2 sophomores, 3 juniors, and no seniors. Margaret comes back and it seems like over the summer she listened to what we had to her at the end of the year meeting... and Joyce wasn't too fond of that. Per the rules, we weren't allowed to be around for any on-court stuff in the fall before the actual season started. They would do stuff as a team, have open gyms, etc. I was personally in charge of lifting and conditioning and knowing what I knew, I separated Margaret and Joyce so we wouldn't have too many problems. Days after the team did stuff, we had players always coming back and telling us what Joyce did to Margaret, never the other way around. Tbh at this point there wasn't much we could do because like I said we weren't around to see it because of certain rules. So fast forward to our first week of practice and we finally see that these players weren't lying about what she'd been doing. Maragret made a defensive play on Joyce (now mind you Maragret is 5'2 on a good day and Joyce is pushing 6 ft), and Joyce responded with "get the f*** off me B**** and shoved her and the entire team heard it. So the following day we suspended her for like a week or so because you just don't treat teammates in such a way and it wasn't her first time doing something like this to a teammate. During her suspension, we had great practices and no other problems. So now Joyce comes back after suspension and her bestie Patsy has a strong dislike for Margaret. You would think she dislikes her because she got her bestie suspended.. partially but it's also because Margaret was just better than Patsy. Patsy was in the same grade as Joyce and Patsy has not gotten better and has gotten much slower since her freshman year so why would we play you... and she shot 8% from the 3 but that's a story for another day. Patsy and Joyce do everything in their power to make Maragret's life a living hell and so they recruit a third member to their little group and we shall call her Latonya. Latonya is a freshman and is still trying to find her way in our program and becoming friends with these two will hurt her in the end. Margaret would always come and talk to us about how she was feeling about everything and we would try to do our best but some of it was out of our control. At this point, we're about a week away from our first road trip and we did this drill in practice unfortunately Margaret got a concussion but our first game should clear her Latonya was the one who "gave" her the concussion. Now Margaret thinks people are out to get her and starts to isolate herself from the team and revert to her last year self. Margaret can return by our first game but she just isn't putting up the same numbers as she was her first year (as a freshman she was the leading scorer in the conference, etc.). It was frustrating because we wanted her to be able to play within our system but she couldn't push past the part that she thought people were out to get her. Fast forward to December and we had to remove Margaret from our program. That was a very difficult decision for us as a coaching staff because we loved Margaret we just couldn't deal with her attitude. So we went on a 5 game win streak and were celebrating in the locker room (this was a huge accomplishment for us as we were god-awful the year before), and Joyce got all in her feels because she claimed that no one had her side while Margaret was here, and Margaret tormented her and no one asked how she felt, etc. and completely ruined the vibe of the lockerroom. Not once did she ever come and talk to us (the coaches) about this. She blamed us coaches, specifically my head coach because she said that my HC didn't care about her.. well as an HC she cares a lot about her players but if you don't come and visit we won't chase after you to talk. From that moment on, Joyce has had this idea in the back of her mind that the HC does not like her when in fact the HC on MULTIPE occasions told her "I Love you, Joyce, if I hated you I wouldn't play you. I wouldn't want you on my team. I don't hate you, you are a crucial part of our program."

Flipping the script, Patsy was still a player at this point. It is not December 30th and we are playing a game against my former team. We are winning by like 20 or 30 points and we are trying to get all of our bench in the game. Patsy was the last player to go into the game. HC walks to tell her to go check in and comes to find out she's in the hallway crying.. so they just lessened her PT lol. We eventually put her in the game and she just further proved why she didn't need to play anyway. We travel to our next city for our next game. The next morning we do film and Patsy stays behind, she is crying again comparing herself to other players when the stats show why she doesn't play. This is an ongoing thing for the rest of the year, unfortunately. So after this weekend, we get back home and the girls have a few days for a short break, Patsy comes to us and says.. doesn't ask that she take a "break" from basketball and that she'll let us know when she is coming back. Tbh we should've told her to take a break forever from basketball but we didn't. I mean I hope she didn't think that'll help her chances of playing more. And it didn't. We finished the season with like 11 wins which was the most they've had in YEARS and we made the conference tournament unfortunately we lost but it was a great experience. End of the year meetings again and Patsy is at the point where she's been playing on a torn ACL for 3 years now but finally wants to get it fixed... she waits until May of that year to get it fixed and was like "Oh I might play next year or I might not." Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions but to act this entitled about Playing time at our level is crazy. I played basketball and other sports my entire life and I never experienced anything like this before and neither had my HC but this was only the beginning of what was in store

this is only part one as this spanned over the length of 3 years. I left out some things and I jumped around in this part but the next part is even crazier

I wish I could say this is fake, but is very much our life. I have no idea how to handle this situation so if any of you have advice we'd appreciate it. I do just want to make this note before I start the story, everyone in our house is getting counseling because no matter what being a blended family is hard and all of us come with our own issues. Now on to the story.

I met my Fiancé when he was already separated from his wife (we will call her K) of 7 years. Ill call him Geno, they have 1 child together ill call him Tom. She was pretty upset about the separation as most cheaters are. She painted him as a bad person in her family and friends eyes. This didn't really bother him as it didn't affect his day to day life. I have a child as well Ill call her Queen. As we had been dating for months at the time of his sons 7th birthday, he and his family wanted me there. I went with Queen, Geno, Tom, and his family as it was our weekend with him. I should mention I have full custody of Queen so she goes everywhere with me. The party was in a park close to her home which was about an 1 and 1/2hrs from us. This is where my issues with the situation started.

It was very windy at this location and it wasn't at either house. We asked if she had a jacket for him and she was snippy and asked why he needed one. He was cold. I will never say I am better than anyone, but I basically live out of my car and always have a change of clothes for everyone in the family now including Tom. So, I just went to my car and got one from the extra clothes i kept in there. We helped set up the party and K's mother was so rude to me. Bashing my child and me for "splitting up their marriage." I told her not to ever speak about things like that in front of my child or to her but could care less what she said about me. I walked away and stayed by Geno's family for the rest of the party.

On this particular weekend she had sent a 45 page book that we had to have finish by the weekend. He was still in Kindergarten (his second year) she held him back because I quote " she wanted him to be smarter than the other kids" this was pure laziness on her part as she didn't want to help him with things and thought the teachers should teach him everything. We tried reading with him and I quickly learned he couldn't read even basic words like "The, we, cat." We tried so hard to read the book and he just couldn't do it. He would break down into tears so upset at himself (I later learned this was a manipulation tactic taught to him by his mother). This is where I got upset, how as a mother could you not help or care for your child to help them learn these things. So I said something to her. "We need to be a united front, he is having a hard time reading and as a group we need to do better to help him. Do you read with him every night? I mean let him read every night?" she answered she did. Which I knew from talking to Tom and asking the same question she didn't. She didn't even help him with his homework. I let it go.

Many weekends went this way as I struggled to help him learn. He would tell me often when he came to visit us that he wished he never had to leave. "we were so much nicer" to him, "we help him, and make sure he is safe". Fast-forward to Mother's day weekend. It was our weekend. We agreed to make sure he came home the night before so he could spend Mothers day with his mom. She didn't show up to meet that night and asked to meet in the morning. Geno agreed as it meant more time with his son. She never showed up to meet us the next morning. We couldn't get ahold of her on the phone. A few hours after we were supposed to meet Geno got a call from a mutual friend. She was in jail.

She was supposed to pick up her son for mothers day and instead she was in jail. The friend forwarded messages to us that she had sent the day before. She was saying she royally fucked up, she didn't know what she was gonna do or how she was gonna get out of the situation. No mention of her son. We called the police station, they were still legally married, to find out what she was charged with. 2 counts of MURDER and 1 count of aggravated assault. We were dumbfounded. Turns out she was in a biker gang . She went to bail her BF out of jail on Saturday night instead of picking up her son. She took the car seat out and her and some her associates went to a biker bar to start a riot.

We immediately drove the almost 2 hours to her house across state lines to pick up his sons things. He was coming to live with us full time. It was the end of the school year so we didn't have to worry about him transferring schools. This would just have been one more thing in the list of therapy he would have needed. This sparked fire under Genos butt. He wanted his divorce now, we couldn't afford to be tied to a gang member. He could loose his clearance for his job. The divorce took months. We got a restraining order against her for Geno and Tom to go no contact for 5 months. Tom was doing great with no contact from his mom. He started a new school with Queen he was learning how to read and all the things he was wasn't taught. Things like riding a bike, swimming, and tying his shoes. (I will also note that, no, I do not think Geno was blameless in his son not knowing things, however, he worked 90+ hours to support them and she work 15-20 hours a week for "fun" money)

Tom knew she had been in jail and for what because her parents told him. We only told him mommy would be away for a while because she had to "handle" a few things. He would say mommy killed people and that's bad. Her parents tried to fight us for custody but were told they wouldn't get him over his father. When she got bailed she didn't even try to get ahold of us to visit her son. Her parents saw this as a way to get Tom back "they always wanted a boy" so she fought to have custody back. She had no leg to stand on. She lost her rights to have physical custody when she got locked up for murder. The divorce was a mess.

About a month before it was finalized she sent Geno a message about how she still loved him she always would. How he walked away from being her best friend. How he should come back and cancel the divorce so they could make it work for their son. He wanted nothing to do with this and refused to answer showing me the message. I guess after being in a relationship with me for a year he finally realized how manipulative and abusive she had been, to both him and his son. How she always used their son to get what she wanted. He had enough and it put some fire under his ass. They ended up awarding her visitation every other weekend and some holidays and some time in the summer. In the months she has been back we noticed so many changes in Tom.

He wouldn't answer ANY questions. Even if it was simply asking what he had for breakfast. He would only saying he didn't know or couldn't remember. I thought it was weird. He started to flinching if you raised your voice even a little. If you got close to him he would flinch, change your tone, he would flinch. He was in therapy and they couldn't get anything out of him either. Both Geno and I used to be law enforcement and I had had enough. I had a talk with him.

Asking simple questions at first, he answered. The I stated there was a court order in place to protect him and if mommy was saying he wasn't allowed to talk she could get in a lot of trouble besides the trouble she was already in. Maybe it was wrong to say but it is what finally got through to him. He admitted that his mom and papa and nana, who she lived with now had been telling him he couldn't talk about what happened at their house. When I asked why he said "because daddy didn't live there anymore and he didn't have a job and was on drugs. " When questioned further he admitted it was because she didn't want him to say anything that could get her "in trouble" Mind you she is awaiting a trial for MURDER. I didn't want to stress him so I no longer ask questions. However, he has told me he feels like I am a safe space for him and he always comes to me when he is upset and wants to talk.

Yes we are in constant contact with our lawyers, but this is all I can say for now. I will update more if I can.

So a few months ago (around March) I started coughing. I didn't think much of it at fist, but the coughs evolved and I suddenly couldn't catch my breath from coughing and sometimes I would even throw up. Everyone in my friend group got the same illness and all of them haven't stopped just like me. They have the same symptoms and everything. I have tried everything-antibiotics, literally every medicine the doctors told me to get. I went on many hikes on fresh air, but that didn't work either. When I cough I feel pain in my lower lungs. I don't know what to do anymore. From my family only I got the illness, even my mom who cared for me didn't get it (probably because of the antibiotics, but I took them a week after the coughing got worse). In my country there is an illness going on, but the people I know that have it have recovered and even stopped coughing. I have a vaccine for it so I guess that it isn't the same one. I don't know anymore. If someone can help me please reply to this post.
TLDR: I have a terrible cough that has been lasting for several months. I don't know what to do. I need help

So a few months ago (around March) I started coughing. I didn't think much of it at fist, but the coughs evolved and I suddenly couldn't catch my breath from coughing and sometimes I would even throw up. Everyone in my friend group got the same illness and all of them haven't stopped just like me. They have the same symptoms and everything. I have tried everything-antibiotics, literally every medicine the doctors told me to get. I went on many hikes on fresh air, but that didn't work either. When I cough I feel pain in my lower lungs. I don't know what to do anymore. From my family only I got the illness, even my mom who cared for me didn't get it (probably because of the antibiotics, but I took them a week after the coughing got worse). In my country there is an illness going on, but the people I know that have it have recovered and even stopped coughing. I have a vaccine for it so I guess that it isn't the same one. I don't know anymore. If someone can help me please reply to this post.
TLDR: I have a terrible cough that has been lasting for several months. I don't know what to do. I need help

Hi everyone. I really hope that my life story can really encourage and inspire others, to always believe in yourselves despite of challenges.

I was born as a severe premature baby along with severe brain bleeding [ Grade 3 / 4 ], lung failure, heart failure and I spent my first 2 years of life in the hospital undergoing a lot of surgeries and my survival rate was really at the point where I could easily die from any health compliation almost instantly. I was casted as a cerebral palsy which means I could never walk or do anything except sit in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and I was diagnosed with extremely low IQ and I was supposed to start Primary School a year later as I was deemed not suitable to step into a normal schooling environment but was supposed to enter a special school.

My situation in school did not get any better as I was humiliated, put down and even looked down for being a liability and a hassle to everyone as the brain bleeding has indeed affected my response/reaction time and I was considered as the bottom rank of students as I take longer, to understand basic things that people could possibility understand a few times but I would need more time in order to accomplish it. I was also considered as a person who might never make it in life due to my weird personality, quietness and how shy I was with talking to other people as I was scared that I might get judged and it really destroyed my self-confidence/self-esteem as a person.

I'm in a much better state now and its really all thanks to family support, although I'm definitely not at the top of the bunch in terms of academic performance, but I'm trying and working hard daily, to give myself a better tomorrow.

(Well this is gonna be a long read but i feel snice i feel lifeless as it is, maybe it won't be pointless... i will try to paragraph it to make it an easier read i know my spelling can be rather bad )

I will try to keep it cheery

Me:30, pron: IT, thing, creature (explain why, as i go why) height: 6ft , race: mixed: native, African american, white (basic explained) Black hair, brown eyes. (ADHD, serve aunxity, crontic depression, phyco mark 4, soicalily appectable spilt personality)

Let start with middle child i was unwanted birth that even the world tried to kill at birth (bubbled blue baby) born into a family of pure toxicity that got refined to a super toxic syrup.

Mother: was abusive pathological lier who liked to be called ""The" Bitch" with a massive bingo addiction and selling at pawn shop addiction.

Father:... i just met him though a homeless older lady i'm renting a room to..

Ok, life story time

My frist memory of life was waking up light in my eyes and crying, to have a guy come over and hit me upside the head bouncing it off the crib or playpen (same thing to me and having it bounce off the bottom)

Thing don't get better, enter step father 1, C an abusive drunk who shock like a chiwowa and likely weighed about the same as one too, skinny boney creep, who i heard later had his own kids he was not allowed to be around for pedo reasons.

Because of my home life when i started to go to school...... i was a bully, i thought showing someone you cared was taking there head and punching it a bunch of times or get um with cooties (yes as a kid i did the bully with cooties things) i even bit a teacher hand, because i took a bag of popcorn out in the middle of class and was eatting it, they tried to take it and MUNCH..... i do bite.

So rare times i was not kicked out of school i was kept home to hide bruises or wrose

Home i would get beaten my stuff sold so my mom could take off to bingo and the drunk Ass C would slam are head in coners for hours on end leaving us standing there, beaten wrose if we tried to sit or move (we- me and older my brother)

Rest of the time we would spend time locked in are room with few toys we hid or stole because if not are mother would find a way to sell them, we get in fist fights who toys belonged to who, all the teddybears were mine he garbbed those little "action figures" DBZ and megamanX Only time as a kid that was even a little cheery

We did have a rare getaway from the abuse at my uncle and nana house. He was an OG gamer... who still lived with his mom looking at it now and she was the sweeted old lady who loved winnie the pooh for eor, never getting mad and when something bad happened to her she go "oh bother' and never get mad, she spent her days coloring fuzzy winnie the pooh picture with glitter gel pens.

We go there and watch are uncle play videogames, (lunar, FF and wildarms series being his fav and computer games a lot of find its) he was highly diabetic but din't let it bug him or other.

It was rare cases.. for me, my brother was living with my nana till i was born because my mother was "too young" and left him there (she was around 30 at the time) and "only brought him back to have older brother for the daughter she was happy she was about to have" oh boy, lets get into that.

I was meant to be born female mother getting ultra sound after ultra sound hope to like the mouth before birth, all said "it's a girl" pink teddy bear was gotten for me and everything.

.. well when i was born i came out a she-male, but like hell my mother was gonna put up with that, she din't even want a boy let alone a reminding mix so she had are family doc, who delivered me after begging him, hormones supplement to make me more muscling... (though side i heard she din't even give them all to me)

So now i have female view on life and half male messed up body, this effected me though life as well.

Skip Past a lot of abuse pretty bad abuse and Fast forward alittle the middle of grade school i was giving a school count, who taught me to bottle up all my emotion and like a volcano find a useful way to explode (at this time school would qourtine me away from the other kids at breaks as i was too "voilent and can't be handled in public setting")

They hit a cord with me or something, because i started to bottle my emotions .... all of them.. and after moving to a new school i had din't view on life, that no one would like me if i was a bully... and fate, i started to get bullied no phyical, verbal "girly eyes" "fergy" "girly boy" my mother would always shave me and my brother head, so you can guess on why i got those comments...

So i cut my long lashes in half with sissors (learned way later they don't grow back) and started eatting like hog to gain weight and by the end of middle school i weighed 310lb and started wearing baggy clothing (now its just part of my style) and started to become popular after we moved schools again.

But then frist phyical fight, not started by me, happened well i was being a goaly for soccer (i hate sports) as i was fastest blocker... but i'm a zoner, i was staring at the sky because, my team seemed dom and the ball was rarely even touching are side of field, well a ball flew past me.

A guy on are team came up all pissed telling me get out of the net and they were taking it, i laughed and just said no.

He punched me in the face, i blacked out and swug back and one punched him, for real he was on the ground and the techer sent me in to get sent out with 2 other sudent escorts, in my view then i din't need to ne escorted in let alone by 2 girls who were parcicularly cheering i knocked him out because they hated him.

Looking back i feel kinda stupid, bad etc. as the one after that kept asking me out and i kept saying no, later found something dark out from my brother crush and got slapped hard in the face for turning her down....

At that point i started online datting to find out what "love" was and how you should show emotions making many friends and a lil gourp of bestfriends that i consider real fam, screen name should be fine, fang, tiger, kairi, darkangel and belz.

Becoming popular at each school i went to but at this point, i was already starting to mentalily break down from bottling all my emotions taking abuse at home in stride and my mother just had other kid, My sister S

And just before i started highschool a new abusive boyfriend (all 3 of us have different last names) and he was around the same age as my brother.

My nana willily dies...i hate hospitals... they said she was gonna die if she din't get help and even then she may end up in a hospital bed... she told no one, went home and died in the night with my brother sleeping beside her as she was his safe hidding place, his real mother

And At this ponit my brother was "fook this shat i'm out" and ran away from it all. Leaving me and are new sis with mr new abusive and are mother... CRACK, CRACK.. i start get a voice in my head that not mine i try to brush off and zone out on the internet when i was home spending my days talking to other none stop.

The new stepdad getting wrose and wrose, by the look of his teeth was doing crack snice he was like 14 and smoked a lot of pot, (i really hated it at this time as i promised my nana i'd not smoke, drunk or do drugs) and we moved out to a area in the middle of no where... twice... i grew my own pink roses (not sure the name of the rose but they grew to the size of baseballs :3) in one place as there was noting not even schools for miles and i had to go the whole year and half no school till CAS found us.

Then we moved to this other place where they moved a couch in front of door and i got to go to school but rarely i had to climb out the window to catch the bus i became big there knowen as the brick wall with feet and candyman (i would only have bags of candy for food and would never eat them just thorw them at people jokely i found were looking down as i walked though the school at break, brick wall for sending a guy flying by tackling him because i heard he phyical attacked a girl on the bus to school (crack crack)

Then then things just got wrose because crazy step dad, stabbed my mother in the back with a steak knife, twice, my mother hated hospital with a passion so she layed towel on the sofa filled herself with pain pills and layed on her bleeding back He took her money and took off only coming back to drop off little food now and then (he had all her bank cards) so my mother would not die

Me, i became the cook, my sister parents figure, the piss and shat bucket changer and the blood mopper (cracky de crack)

I started fade in and out of reality at this ponit my friends saying i was off my partner at the time...looking back it seems i keep getting used for something... they were just happy to see me put it simple. (Online R)

I was starting to lose weight from lack of food baricided in a house with a mother who would cry in pain and to get help with something... for a whole year...this night when she cried for help with something

SNAP, welcome my spilt personality (don't learn till way later) to the world i black right out at midnight playing dragon quest,( the crudy one where the whole game underground) appertly i called the cops, the hospital after ripping the phone from my mother hand and filping the shit away from the door couch etc. Flinging down the steps were i was staying. So they could get in.

This is what i was told, i just remember falling asleep or something playing the game and waking up at hospital sitting in a chair where a doctor was talking to me about how they could see my mother ribs though her back and trying to figure out how she still alive or how long she been like that.

I was sent to my toxic aunts, things don't get better i had to break up with the person i was with for like 3 years, i told her my mother was in the hospital there reply was "so what?" And i would not have access to internet at my aunts, her two faced ways is beaten by none other.

Her place was trashy all garabe hidden in a room, she has 4 adopted native kids at this time as she native and lives on the rez (my native is from my dads side she not related to me by my uncle here is someone who highly whipped and or a cranky bas, who never leaves his room and only eats pizza and vodka for every meal.

I got shoved under the stairs like a hairy potter knock off and became a i live in maid and baby sitter, my sister got a new room built for her, My family gose wack-o for a girl me and my aunt always bumping heads as i found her view on reason to have kids are way off from mine

hers: "so when i'm gray and old i have someone who has to take care of me"

Mine: to give someone the life i never had, to see someone raised happy without abuse.

Taking she would hit one in the head before he was even given his drunken infants meds, lack of abuse is not how she dose things.

At this time i was just turning 19 i missed out on school, to not look evil from the outside she sent me to native adult ed.

What a wild ride that was, day one i come into a gimp (he called himself it, back off) a small guy with limpy bone issues who already been alive longer then docs told him he would being builled out of school, and if you can't tell i at this ponit i went from bully to anti-bully, the teacher not stoping it, said one cricle tomarrow and he free to go.

I sit hehind him on the bus and ask him what its all about and what happening he was sniffly looking out the window, so after i left him alone.

But the next day i stood up in front of everyone and told them right out how sad and fooking pathetic they are for doing it to him and they need to leave him alone and say sorry, leaving the cricle and sitting back at my desk, oddly it worked some right out said sorry to him and he stayed, me and him becoming good friends are 3rd bud jesus joining in, (lol not the real one just a richy guy who looked like him, his dad owns the native smoke shops on the rez the rack in a lot here)

But soon the who class was being buddy with me for one reason or other, one because he knew i therw the fight he picked because he wanted to look tough(note if someone darts behind you and puts you in a headlock if your taller leaning down will almost filp then over your back) one was a big big lacross player who liked me because i was the only one who would face him in sports as he was knowen for breaking fingers

Simple J liked me because he was well. Simple (nickname given to him by class) Etc. I could go on i can usely tell why when someone takes interest in me and yay then boo i got to use internet again during breaks.

I was able to give my best friend gourp my number etc. So i could talk to them whenever and made a new friend... evil rears it head, this person was close so i went to go hang out never seeing them before, to meet the human verison of miss piggy, matching nose and all who black mailed me into dating her as she had me meet up with her, who was underage (her profile said 18 she was 15 turning 16).

Saying she would call the cops and i appocehed her at the park (where she planed for us to meet up) din't think much, agreed thinking i just had to wait for her to delete the pictures she took of me showing up.

Not so simple, my aunt came to pick me up and they started talking and my aunt seemed to have no issues there i was 19 almost 20... even inviting her over...

Welp, when she did come over i was rrr tooken avenage of, she gave me a drink, bottle of pop, that she apparently popped one of her dad Vags in, she found well cleaning then she used her weight well i was trying to just play my game and igore her even being there, Right in my aunts basement stealing my virginity

But my evil aunt got revenge for me without even knowing, she was just trying to get rid of me, as when she was talking about going to Disneyland my aunt tagged me along, talking to her parents the works, so i got free road trip from canada to Florida, best part was her rich grandpa liked me better then her (he owns both a orange field and race track)

It pissed her right off and soon as we got I was set free, now tanned from the heat and richer a experience, i only mention the tan thing as soon as i got back all the girls in adult ed oddly wanted to talked to me a lot more.

I honestly din't care, well... i had s crush on one, but my bud said there was a new girl that showed up who been sitting in my spot (best spot, near a window and a cupboard so i could lean back) and was just out the day i came back.

......

She came back the next day, she acted shy saying sorry for taking my seat and class started to rumble with whisper and rumors, oh boy wish i listened now....

My gimp bud told me he liked her and i was trying to get him out of a twisted 3some so i talked him into giving his number to her.... ahhh the fail... he walks up drops his number on the floor, picks it up and hands it too her saying " i think you dropped this"

That odvii din't work, i joked around about it after with him and he bet me i could not do better, at frist it was empty bet with bud for fun, simple is i could not do it using near the same method, simple was just for a date.

Next day i wrote my number in a book with a little drawing ( use to love drawing...) of a gothic heart, and end of the day same as him, i handed her the piece of paper i notice she had her hair put up differently so i said "nice hair, text me some time".

Soon as i was on the bus she was messaging me, talking to me etc. I asked her out on a date as that was goal, she thought i was asking her right out and told me i had to wait a week as she needed to break up with someone who cheated on her.

....evil...when it seems when someone knows how to get at ya, next day right after texting one other for the whole night, she came in with my first and last name written down her pant leg <\3 in perment marker.... red flag for others are not mine, i like clingy protective type..

Right after girl in class started telling me the whispered rumors i heard before, "she a slut" "she a shemale" (look who your talking too...i wanted to say but i pull off a cute/handsome guy or so i'm told still say i'm an ugly monster. ) "she stole my boyfriend back at other school i've been to before" (that girl was dense and din't remember we had seince class together then, likely cause she stromed out 5 mins back then) "she using you" .... how i should have listened....

Put it simple by day 3 of that week we were dating by a month she was talking about wanting to marry me, so 5th month i got her a promise ring (she never took it off and i think she still even wears it now that she hates me)

But... month 7 thing went down hill after one of the days she was staying over (we became like glued at the hip always together).... her drunk partly retared jailbird snuck into my aunt backyard and into a tent with my sister and her friends who were camping out back, my aunt went into digger mode asking her if he has "touched her" etc. To see if she could cuff him for money...

(My ex: S for short from here) But after this S slowly started to change being a lot ruder, aguring over small thing but then would turn around and cling to me.

S started to drive a wage between me and everyone saying i would leave her or cheat, all my fam friends started to go for diff reason, like kairi use to call me big bra, and i use to call her lil sis

S would say: "w.e she likely just trying to sleep with you and she has a big brother kink, i don't like you f--king talking to her"

So one by one she picked them off and even driving a wage between me and my fam, got kicked out because well she was sleeping she was moving her head around on my lap i was watching tv with my cousin and my uncle came out and started spazzing thinking she was doing the bob bob right in front of my oldest cousin, she din't help me defend myself, just rushed out side to wait for me and my uncle to stop aguring.

Homeless S let me sleep in a tent out front of her place, where she sleep with me the place had no power and it was summer so it was better outside anyway..

... then me and her did do the steamy, and we got more err bold with it after that, gonna get acused for being bold, may as well do it, but it was more out of trips with adult ed etc.

Seemly we got closer the more i pushed away other... but near the end of adult ed we got in a fight at school it left me crying hiding under the steps and seemly every girl there but S cheaking if i was ok, when i wanted to be left alone.. still wondering who they singeled though the window at to show where i was hiding.

After adult ed she drove wage between the last friend i had, gimp as at this point i told her about why i talked to her in the first place, she laughed told me she just threw his number out thinking he handed her trash but was reasonably pissed it was a bet, so she wanted me to stop being friends with him...

Year in i had no one, gave them all up for her frist time snice like 12 i was not soical but having her was enough....

2 years we were still glued to the hips, showered togethered, if one went out the other fallowed and i working on getting us a place and not live with her mother who hated how close we were. (Her mother once even slept with one or her boyfriend before, seemly din't like seeing her daughter happy)

If you can't tell we both had bad pasts, but she kept getting meaner, colder and ruder as time went on and i would struggle to find ways to avoid fighting and just talk things out....like we have 2 years up to this point

Nope, by year 3 things din't get better, i was fed up and was gonna break up before it got too bad..... dam my weakness... she beg and plyed even saying she would have a kid with me because she knew i wanted one at the time... and things would change...(spoiler they din't) for frist few month it seemed like thing were back to normal and we were are lovey dovey selfs and well..... i helped her though pergercy and even there for a delivery so fast it made a doctor laugh and joke they almost dropped my lil girl.

We din't even get out of the hospital and my aunt already called CAS and had are kid tooken, funny the fail me as a kid but stick there nose in and ruin my family that would have been fine without them.....

Because CAS stress my ex went back to being rude toxic and mean and year 4 she cheats on me with and tells me crying i forgive and move on... we were fighting to keep are kid from my child collecting aunt (at this ponit has 4 adopted my sister and my brothers 2 kids) everytime they leave the damage they did would have me and S aguring and they would show back up to start again, i guess are place did turn to shit after each time from the stress.

Year 6 she cheats on me with are neighbor, i catch it as i was out side walking around with are daughter as she was crying and i wanted to get her some freash summer air and i seen her making out with him though an open window.... i go home put my daughter in her crib, closed the door.... walked to the living room, found the part of the wall i knew had a metal beam and BANG... din't forget but likley factured my neck, came too with a worried S and her mother and ambulance driver over me.

Told her after why and what i saws, S called me a lier and said she dint, i dropped it unless she acused me of even thinking of cheating, i say (in an agurement her yelling at me and acusing me) "i only have eyes for you, i'm not the one who cheated twice" bad move i know those agurement usely got wrose...

So we got couple count, as we both wanted to fix thing or so she said.

Year 7 together At this point it was becoming daily she agure with me over stuff we could talk out. Fighting with 3rd time this time she was being abusive not just toward me but are kid... i stood by as she froced are little girl in a conerr and shoved bar of soap in her mouth till blood and bubble came out.....

..... i failed, i failed as parent i failed at part of my dream... i let what happen to me happen to my kid...

.... S started started spazing saying she never wanted a kid and i made her (scoll back up, dose that seem like making her? I never said it was one or the other type deal i was tired of being treated like crud and even talking could have worked it out...... i just wanted the cuddly loving time together, no fight....)

She knew about my spilt personality and hated/loved him, he my rude and lewd side i bottle up snice a kid, i'm kinda emotionaless... now..as i only know love...

8 years in 1 month from getting are daughter back fully for 3rd time the wrost of the wrost my stress had the voice in my head (spilt) going crazy from years of stess and aguring over pointless shat, this time the fact i do love her... each time she said i din't felt like a bomb of blades set off in my heart....

after 2 hours of aguring Me:I do love you S: "no, you f--king hate me" Me; S i lov ~ cut off~ S: NO YOU F--KING DON'T Me: S I cut off S: you fucking hate me stop lieing

I just wanted to get it out, i blacked out, kinda (we slowly been coming aware of what the other doses) i garbbed a cup and therw it at the wall, you know shock factor, when someone dose something they usely don't giving them a momment of silence to say what they need too...

..... it bounced off the wall and clocked her upside the head she sat there still pissy giving me a puzzled look as i jumpped up with a shock and worrried look on my face.... or the blood running down hers....

..... i darted out the door and across the hall to the same neighbor she cheated on me with asking for the phone freaking out and called the cops on myself and ambulance for S before running back to make sure she ok as back in adult ed i learned frist aid (medi certification) and had to make sure she din't pass out and was ok giving her wet cloth to add pressure....

When cops showed up, from shock of what i did and because i felt like a monster..... i asked them to charge me for it.... stupid me again... as they put on a not contact order too... and well S few stitches in her head knew i never meant to hurt her.... came back coming in saying she can't see life without me lies and that she was Rrrr "tooken avenage" of by a old friend she went to hangout with well I was in a cell... got her drunk and high and ya, other details i din't need like he had a tiny cruved thing and it hurt etc.

Stupid me for believing her i took her back in, told her we can't agure as we shouldent even be around one other...

..... well she was pissy one day cause we could no longer go out to see are daughter together and it was my turn to go see are daughter.... she fallowed pissy yelling and screaming and stood in the middle of the road yelling at cars to " just hit me" because she wanted me to skip the visit with are kid and just spend it with her.... cops showed up of crouse... and i got cufffed again... because the whole no contact order set up.

..... S came back again....she din"t want to be away from me and promised she would stop..... week later middle of the night she yelling at me again and ahole acrosss the hall looking for any reason to call was given it, cops show up and she trys telling them she the one who keeps coming back and not to cuff me .... they do and soon as they do she trys to punch one in the head and ends up cuffed and on the ground.

3rd breach they told me they still plan to let me go later that night As every time they show up i show corporations well she aggressive

We both get taken in and they had to move me from the prison to one under the court house as she was screaming though the police sation for me, after last time i talked to her she told me they told her they let me go to get her to calm down and found out that whole week S kept going back to that guys place everytime or when she told me she was going to her moms. I helped her move things into her mothers serectly

And talked there... she not pull the whole sitting in front of the door to stop me from leaving bit in front of her ma.

Or the 2 face i love you and i hate you.... she choose just hate this time.... and her break up was clear and final.... broken and hurt i walk home and get jumpped by 3 guys friends of mr raa" take avenage" er

Already broken i let it happeen and just layed spelt in the snow after.... it was right before new years...... pictures still on my phone what i looked like after my face shallowen out etc...

I died that night....... she took everything from me and left me hollow she broke everything so i came bafk to holes in the wall noting to my name but this cracked screen phone im still using now....

Theses past 3-4 years (everything empty and hollow so lost track of my best friend time management) i went to therapy 2-3 years ago and learned of my spilt and how its triggered and told to lean on my creative mind to think up ways not to be suicidel, aka i guess why i'm putting this.

I fixed up the holes in the walls, panited, removed carpets cleaned my cal king bed, after paying it off, payed all bills she left behind, and started getting stuff tv, computer, tab, hack i even got a VR headset, i don't even use.... honestly no one to play VR with seems kinda boring....

I dislike i lost my muse to draw or the will as i use to draw daily....

I hate how i've been alone now due to picking what i thought was ture love..

Sick of this emptyy feeling, hollow hole where a heart once sat

2 months and like 12? Days till i'm 31 and the only time i spent even a little happy was with a person who treated me like dirt and hates me now i tryed to talk to her a year after keep the promise we made together like 2 years in that even if we broke up we would stay best friends.

To get " you should have tired harder back then" and got blocked

I gave up everything i had... ether way i plan to try to be soical and talk to other again after hiding in my dark hole this long avoiding everyone and everything, just to notice i no longer know where to start.....dead at the starting line.

A life of misery where the good karma at? Am i meant to live a life of pain? Why? When i put my self though hell even now

Helpping homeless with a room till they find a place, i keep in my room locked away and give them my place pretty much.

..... i want my heart back... i want to love again.... i want someone to hold.... but likely.... die alone... i'm seemly already there....

This post took me 4 hours, it's likely no one will read and even less will care...

But still wish everyone the best of wishes in life from my litttle hole in hell.

Well, Thanks for coming to my ted talk (hope that made ya smile) (or that) (or even that lol)

Lighten the mood after something so heavy, take it from someone with chortic depression who still smiles at everyone even though the pain, it really helps.

So a girl (17) i meet online (15) was realy nice after some talking we became friends and after just 5 days she confessed her love to me (i know thats a very short time, and i know the age diffrence is big), i was in love with her too so in that moment i was the happiest ive ever been. she was moving realy fast in the relation ship and i dint mind at all as long as she was happy, then we started calling and facetiming more often day after day passed in pure heaven but as this continued 6 days i got a call from her shortly after i finished school and i accepted ofc... welp that call was about her breaking up with me as i stand on the street waiting for my bus i buckeld up all my feeling untill i got home ans as soon as i arived home i let it all out evry single tear for 4 houers i cried. 2 days after i saw her online with her ex and lets just say it wasent her ex anymore i broke down again she called me 1 day after that and she said in that we should stay friends (me being the idiot i am accepted) welp we skip forward another 26 days, i still havent forgotten her and there she was calling me and suggesting we should get together again i was ofc so happy i couldt speak we spent 5 houers in a call then she needed to go and 3 hours later she **texts** me that she was joking about me loving me and as you can gues i broke down crying and texting her for another half hour trying to know why she did that to me. i dint get an answer but i got 1 last thing from her, a text basicly saying that she hates me and before i knew i got blocked on evrything faster then i could send another mesages that was 3 hours ago then my lonley ass did go to chat gpt and talked to an ai about my problems because i dont have anyone... i asked chat gpt if it would be a good idea to post my experiance on reddit and it said it has its up and down sides.. so here i am now writing all of this down hopeing that some people out there can give me some responds or advices on how to let go of her because i want to but i just cant (because my stupid ass still loves her)

Just want to put this out into the world and be done with it once and for all. Its gonna be hectic and really long.

I met my ex in an online game and we started our friendship and slowly became closer until we got together. Our relationship was completely online, we never met irl. He was really caring and attentive in the begginging. He cared if i ate enough because that is what i struggled with. We even facetimed really often and sent each other pictures and videos and nice textxs all the time and told each other everything. But as the time went on he would insult me when i would do something wrong in the game... what a stupid reason right? He would get agressive and reeeally mad. His favourite thing to do was to leave discord call and mute me or block me as a punishment in crashing my car in a game for example. And one day he just blocked me everywhere exceptr one instagram profile. I begged him and asked him what was wrong because i loved him. And he first made up some random reasons that made no sense. And then he said that its because i dont send him enough *spicy* photos and he wants to start watching porn or going out to clubs. And i said i will send him more and he said "what if you are at work and can send at that moment"....... (very important to mention is that we both agreed in the beggining that we both consider porn cheating and would never watch it. I know many many people disagree but that was our opinion. Also we both shared the opinion that we wouldnt go out to clubs.) He was now suddenly telling me to choose between him being in clubs on weekends for hours or watching porn. That broke my heart but being an idiot i was, i stayed with him and he basically choose for himself that it will be porn. He then swore up and down that he will treat me the best ever. He made some rules that he wouldnt watch porn more then me and not the same person twice and that he would send me what he will watch bla bla bla. It actually destroyed me. And he didnt make our relationship perfect, he would ignore me a lot, he would block me in whatsapp if he got mad and steam and discord and telegram and instagram.... I was not allowed to even go to the store. We shared location so he knew where i was and i knew for him. He had a supervision app on my phone and could block apps and put restrictions. I was not allowed instragram and he said he uninstalled but never showed me. He would block me so often. He would text me so so much and so badly with insults because he didnt understand if i close my work at 22, we still need to clean everything until 23. He would insult me and accuse me of cheating. I had to make 10+ videos per shift of coworkers around me so that he could see no men were close to me. And later he addmited to liking a body of my coworker and later he even masturbated to my other coworker........ To say that he is scum is not enough.
He would always talk about honor and being a man while he was actual trash. One day he had to go on a work trip for 2 days and guess who didnt make any videos for me even tho he always said rules in our relationship are same for us both.... He barely even texted me and he swore he didnt drink there but he made me a video of his room where i could clearly see beer and then he said it was just one beer... sure.
And then later he went to a trip where there were both guys and girls. He swore he wouldnt do anything to hurt me.. But as he left he changed his background picture of me and didnt text me even 2 times the whole 5 days and when he got back he told me looked at other girls at the pool and that we are over. F***ing creep. And he blocked me again everywhere except for one app. I didnt believe that he would do that so i texted him and eventually he unblocked me and we got together and he addmited that in the trip he was drinking with girls and even slept in a bed with one of them with his arm around her and she kissed his neck. It is so humiliating to write this as i relieve it because i cant belive i had 0 self respect but i was soooo attached to him... so unhealthy even tho he was most toxic person i ever met. And after even more time of our relationship being bad and him calling me all kinds of insults daily and me crying every single day and him watching porn... he went to vacation with his family and he looked (ON PURPOSE WENT OUT TO FIND THEM) girls on the beach without top part of a bikini... Disgusting!!! and then he addmited that the girl on that one trip from before actually gave him a handjob while he touched her breasts... Not to mention that it was his first sexual experience... cheating on me and lying about it for a year...

One day he called me so often to show him around who i worked him and tell him names of those women. And when i did tell him, he called me balkan shit (because he didnt understand those names and thought i wrote something in my own language (i was NOT allowed to ever text anything in my language).. He hated that i was balkan.... He said when we have children that i was not allowed to teach them my language or even speak it at all. He also said i wont work and will stay at home and cook and take care of children. He also said i am not allowed to know his salary because his mom dont know his fathers salary. He also almost wanted to go to a strip club because his father also once went. And he wanted to one day have a young secretary...??
I begged him every day to either love me properly or let me go because i cant. And he would so so so often say we are breaking up and block me but he always unblocked and texted again after some hours. I was not allowed anywhere or even play multiplayer games while he did all the time. Also we would buy each other games for christmas and stuff and usually the same value. But i realized he would buy me discounted games somewhere and send me codes while i had to buy him same worth as the game was on steam (more expensive). He would call me a gold digger randomly if i said i liked some random car i saw. I never asked him to get me anything and i bought him way more games then he did for me. And i never scamed him to buy me more expensive games. trash. I forgot to mention i was not allowed any friends. I didnt have anyone and noone knew about this relationship.
At one point i had to go to surery and during this time he was on vacation and he wanted to break up because for surgery i went with my boss and her husband and child to other town. And he called me a cheater because my bosses husband was there driving... He then blocked all my apps with his supervision app. I was alone in the hospital wihtout even being able to watch youtube or anything to calm my nerves. He then unblocked just youtube but kept everything else blocked for even one week later. The day before my surgery he even blocked me because he didnt want me texting because he was wathing some racing sport on his phone.........
And after my surgery he again blocked me everywhere and even turned location off and said we wont text each other at all expect for goodnight and when we eat. And he will tell me when he goes to drive his motorcycle but he wont tell me where or how long or anything.... but i wasnt allowed to leave my house... And he wasnt there for me at all for my recovery.. he didnt care at all.... And as soon he heard i start working again he unblocked me and we could text again because i had to send him pictures from work again... Did i mention that i worked with basically all women while he worked with women too... but never made any videos or pictures...
He would also sometimes go drink at a friends house and swear up and down that he would make videos and that he would not leave the house during the night. And then he turned off his location so i couldnt see where he went... the app literally tells me when his location is off and he did it so i couldnt see that he went somewhere and he also never made me any pictures or videos of who he is with.....He lied about his location being off too..
He even towards the end said someone from his work was going out for some drinks that night at 18:30 and asked if i wanted him to go. and i said no. and he said he wouldnt go. He wasnt sharing his location with me. And then he stopped texting me from 18-24. And said he was at home and swore he didnt go drinking. And then when he shared his location again with me next day i could see that day before at 18 he went to some beer place until 24. I couldnt believe what piece of shit he was. And he had the audacity to tell me "do you trust the app or me?". The app doesnt lie. He later made up a lie that he went with his friend to his families beer place to "help" with something...
About a month and a half before i ended it for real... he played my favourite game with his friends every single day. He would swear he is muted and chat turned off and said he will show me but somehow always "forgot" to show me and he would insult me if i would call him and text him. Sometimes he showed me he is muted and chat off but i later realized he wasnt at all. He just made it seem like he was because he thought i didnt know how being muted and having chat off looked like... He wouldnt text me at work, at pause, when he came home AT ALL... he would be online texting his friends (i suppose) and then ignoring all my texts and calls and just sending me like "i love you" and that was it. Not a single answer or question or anything every single day. And as soon he is back he would go play. We didnt talk, we didnt spend time, we didnt text, he didnt ask for any pictures or send any pictures, he probably watched porn... (later he said he watched porn twice. of the same girl. and when i got upset and insulted him and said to never contact me again, he said he was lying and said that just to see of i addmit that i maybe watched porn (????)).
And one day again he blocked me on most places and even stopped sharing location... But we were still together even tho in my head we were done already for this time..... In this time that i was blocked i stopped texting him often and i also blocked him back on steam and i made a new profile in the game and i started playing. I even made some friends who invited me in their discord and even tho i was still crying EVERY SINGLE DAY", i felt better because i had some friends and could play my favourite game. He then realized i blocked him back and he couldnt see my friends on steam and he didnt unblock me everywhere or apologized or asked to fix things... he asked just for me to unblock him on steam and unadd whoever i added. He said he never played with other girls ... no he just cheated.. thats way better. I said i dont want to get back together because he said we were done and he did this. And basically he begged really much whole day for 2 or 3 days and i said okay, uninstall the game like you swore you will... suddenly he wont because thats what he plays with his friends... and i asked him to share location back and lets share passwords for tik tok again and he didnt see that message of course. He swore all will be good, and even tho i knew it wouldnt, i said okay, show me. 1. He said he goes to see a movie with his friends, a movie with a lot of sex scenes too, and he then ignored me still for most of the morning and day. And i told him no, i am not allowed anywhere and was not allowed anywhere for months so he was not going to a movie and even a movie with sex scenes. If he wants to fix things he will not go. And he said he cant not go, that he made arrangements and that he will make me a lot of videos and close his eyes during those scenes.... sure. Not a single video or picture of anything, not even of who he is with... do you see the pattern?.... I told him i dont want to contine, that he only hurt me. And he kept begging me to unblock him on steam because all he cared about was seeing my friends list.. while he had me blocked everywhere still...
I said i need to sleep on it and decide. In the morning he spammed me with texts and then i saw he tried logging into my snapchat, steam and discord...... i changed all my passwords everywhere and told him to stop texting me. He said he even smoked a bit with his friends because he thought we are breaking up (he is really against smoking and said he would break up if i ever smoked). And then last evening he was still begging and spamming me so i called him at modnight and he answered and didnt talk (his family was sleeping) but he listened and i cried and told him how he treated me all this time and he said that he is horrible and i deserve someone better but then again begged to stay together... And how i am listening to someone else telling me to break up with him... and am i really going to throw our almost 2 years away.... It was so hard... i didnt know what to do but i decided to end it forever. He then stopped texting and that is the last i heard of him.

And finally i stopped crying every day.. i was free. I could go to the store, go wherever i want and do whatever i wanted to do. i kept hanging out with those friends and met a guy through those friends who became my love. He is genuinly the best person i ever met. I met him and his family and he met mine. We are long distance but it is such a nice and healthy relationship. We talk about everything. Nothing is forbidden.. finally i am happy and i dont cry every day. Instead of losing weight (with my ex everyone was worried because i lost 8kg) now i gain weight because we eat together and he cares really much and he genuinly cares. He is so precious. I am finally happy.

My name is Nelson Gabriel, and once upon a time, I stood on the cusp of greatness. In 2017, I proudly graduated with a degree in engineering, my head filled with dreams of revolutionizing the world with my innovative ideas. But reality had other plans for me.

As I eagerly entered the job market, I quickly discovered that the path to success was riddled with obstacles. Despite my qualifications and unwavering determination, job offers were scarce, and rejection became a bitter pill I swallowed daily. Months turned into years, and the once bright future I envisioned grew dimmer with each passing day.

Instead of pursuing my passion, I found myself bouncing between menial jobs just to make ends meet. The weight of student loan debt pressed down on my shoulders like a heavy burden, draining my savings and leaving me teetering on the edge of financial ruin. While my friends embarked on promising careers and built stable lives, I struggled to keep a roof over my head.

Now, here I am in 2024, staring down the barrel of yet another month's rent, my pockets empty and my spirits shattered. But amidst the darkness, a flicker of hope emerges—an opportunity to finally break free from the cycle of uncertainty and secure a position that could change my life. The catch? I need $1600 to pay a job, here in Africa to get job you need to pay or have someone on the company. might as well be a fortune to someone in my position.

With nowhere else to turn, I find myself reaching out for help, swallowing my pride and clinging to the hope that someone, anyone, will extend a lifeline in my darkest hour. But as the days slip away and the deadline looms ever closer, the weight of my circumstances threatens to crush me entirely, leaving me wondering if I'll ever find my way out of this endless maze of despair.

my Paypal: gabrieldc108@outlook.com