Hi there, my husband is considering joining the sfpd, and I’m wondering if anyone here is an sfpd wife. How is your partner’s and your day-to-day?

My husband assures me sfpd is safe, but I’m not sure I’m willing to take the risk of finding out otherwise. I’m also bracing for a lifestyle change as we start trying for a family. Appreciate the help!

I know summers can be crazy with more special events, longer hours, children being out of school, vacations, everything!

How is everyone handling wacky schedules; what has been hard to handle lately, and what has been cup-filling or great?

My husband is currently in academy and one of his classes talked about setting boundaries with their significant other as to how much details of their day to day at work is talked about. My situation is a little different as he was in dispatch for 2 years before being hired as an officer and so I am good with how he has been doing this but I know that being out in the field will be very different. What is your experience with this?

Help! Hi! My ops manager's husband is a detective for the my state’s medical marijuana authority. When he comes home from operations, he smells so bad and the house wreaks with marijuana. She needs some ideas of what detergent to use and good ways to get rid of the smell.

I told her I would ask Reddit and I found your page! Will you help my ops manager, Stephanie?

Hey all… I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, all of them him being LEO. Currently he is detective, in a smaller city so he does it all (homicide, theft, CP, etc.) he has seen a lot of terrible things as you all know, and also lost a very close friend while on duty. His mom passed a little over a year ago as well. The last year I would say, maybe less, I can see a change in him. It may be depression or PTSD or both. But he is very quick to be in a terrible mood. Often I am at the butt of his irritation. It seems I can’t do much right and often It’s like walking on eggshells. He does not physically hurt me, nor is he verbally abusive. He is such a sweet man and I love him to death and it really hurts me to see him in such an irritable state all the time. It also hurts me because it seems I am the cause of his constant irritation.

He struggles with drinking as his coping mechanism, which also makes me sad to see. I think therapy would really help him, with his childhood traumas as well. But he does not want to go..

How do we move past this? How can I get him to get help for himself?

Thanks in advance..

My boyfriend is currently undergoing the process of entering the NY State Trooper Academy. He's passed the initial test and physical - just waiting on the psychological & background checks to see if he gets an offer (which I have no doubt he will). If/when he does, we expect that he'll be entering the academy in springtime.

While I support him in deciding to pursue this career, I'm nervous about how our life is going to change/look by the end of next year and how I can best support him through the academy and beyond. Luckily we don't have children and don't plan on it, so it's only the two of us and our dog we really have to worry about. However, I do struggle with my mental health and not having him around much after moving to a new city has me worried.

What did you wish you knew/thought of/discussed with your partner beforehand? How did your relationship change? What do you do to take care of yourself when your partner isn't around to support you?

Also - as for the academy - is it a live-in situation for the NY troopers? Will he have to lodge for the 6+ months of training or can he live at home with me? I can't imagine dorming being mandatory for people with wives & kids at home.

Thanks in advance for any advice or life experience you can pass on to a little nervous nelly who is terrified of change lol

Husband is a Sheriff, I’m a stay at home mom. He’s been extremely stressed about money as this month we have to put a deposit on our new apartment, then it’s my birthday the same day we move in, and then Christmas right after that with a 10 hour drive to my parents. He’s been picking up a lot of overtime I maybe have him home with me maybe 1-2 days out of the week. I completely understand we need the money but I feel so burnt out. I have an 18 month old and we only have one car and he obviously has to take it to work. I don’t like going on walks around this neighborhood cause I don’t trust it but I don’t know what to do. I’m stressed, irritated, and just feel done. I’m also packing up the entire apartment completely by myself because he’s not home. Anytime he tells me to get out of the house and go do something by myself I never know what to do. I don’t know how to take care of myself anymore and I don’t have hobbies cause I’m focused on my baby. On top of everything, I’ve been in and out of the ER because of my ulcerative colitis. I feel like I just keep taking punches to the face. How do I get out of this burn out?

Hi all, hubby is a Fed LEO and just left for his training at FLETC. I feel silly for being so emotional since this is something he has worked towards for 8 years now. We all knew this training was coming and that it would be 6 months, but now that it’s here… it is all hitting me like a ton of bricks.

We’ve been together for 12 years; 9 married; and have 2 kids (4 & 7). We’ve been preparing for this since he graduated with his masters. The plan was always for him to make agent. And he’s worked with LEOs as an analyst for this whole time leading up to it, so we know the agency well. We knew this was coming and have been prepared for it all.

I know I can single mom it for 6+ months. It’s just being across the whole dang country and not getting to see him for that long (or more if this gov shut down happens) sucks. Like a Lot. I have cried so much just from missing him and it’s only been a day. Knowing he isn’t walking through that door after work has affected me and the kids a lot. It’s not a matter of can’t do it. It’s that I can, I just want to be with him. I want the kids to be with him. I know he does too and that it’s hard on him as well and that doesn’t make it any better.

So far this has just been me unloading. Now this is me asking any other wives (or spouses) for tips on how to survive the coming months. He’s aways been involved in the day to day running of the house as well as the parenting and now it’s all on me.

How do you keep up with meals? I already meal plan and do the grocery shopping, but hubby was our cook. After being mom all day, how do you finish it? What routines do you have that help the day come to an end without having a break or having someone tap in? How do you make holidays and birthdays without your spouse still special for the kids without making dad feel excluded? How do you show your hubby they still are on your mind without making them feel guilty or overwhelmed? What helped you? What didn’t? What piece of advice would you share with yourself if you could go back in time?

Thank you all!

Hi friends! So I have been working on getting our private group up and running. Through lots of research, I decided the best thing to do was use a paid community based website. It’s around $40 a month and as much as I don’t want to spend my own money, I plan on doing that until we can either get a sponsorship or figure something else out, but I wanted to see what others thought first.

There is an option to charge for membership, and if each of us paid $1 a month it would more than cover it, but if we got more than 40 people we would get into a spot where we were generating revenue and then we would have to do something with that money. I’m not trying to make money off of this in any way shape or form, I just want to cover the cost of running the private site. If we do decide to do that, maybe we just do a monthly payout (see Hui lol https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hui_(informal_loan_club)) I don’t know but wanted to see if anyone had better ideas or if anyone even cared about paying $1 a month to have access to something that would be good for our mental health.

My husband's an investigator and while he was a homicide he switched to a general investigation team. Usually just some dumping cases or vandalism, super low key than before. However, with a low key position comes a massive amount of over time which is just super ironic and not what we expected. The purpose of him moving was to have MORE time at home. We will be having 2 under 2 soon (7 months pregnant now) and while he loved homicide it was just better for our family if he took a break from thst sort of unpredictable, demanding, fast pace life style.

Well, this isn't any better.

He has to do mandatory weekend over time twice a month. (Non-negotiable.) And on top of that over time if a case is deemed important enough.

He got a case about a huge issue in the city. His case, so he's responsible. However, the mayor got involved and city officials and a major company and it blew up. He worked pretty much 15 hour days last week from Thursday to Sunday. Then it slowed down slightly, things were passed through the right channels, he eventually got a couple days this week where he was home and thennn...surprise mandatory over time this weekend working doubles all weekend. Im.... exghusted.

This pregnancy has been hard on me with our son especially. He's fighting sleep, teething, tantrums. My body this pregnancy has been just in pain. I pulled a muscle in my leg and running around with our son leaves me limping at the end of the day. So without a proper break I feel like my entire body is falling apart.

Today my son fought every nap I tried to give him. He slept maybe 35 minutes all day so now he's over tired and at bed time he LITERALLY was barrel rolling around on me, fussing, not settling at all. I had to bounce him on our yoga ball which left my leg DEAD. Idk how I'm going walk tomorrow it hurt so bad I had to put a heating pad on it.

The worst part about this week is my husband is going to work a double 7p-12p, go right back into the week where he has now got to meet with people about that particular case and Idk what the schedule will be like and neither does he bc the literal mayor of the city is keeping tabs on the case so there is no way he's getting off at a normal time.

I seriously need a break. My body needs a break.and with all thst being said he's amazing, he knows. He keeps texting me to check in when he can and telling me this weekend is mine and he's going to take our son out all weekend and if and when he can get off early or at a reasonable time he'll say up with him. (And he will do all of those things) but it just sucks some times knowing like they are doing everything they can to be home but it just won't happen and you still feel like a single mom sometimes even when they are as involved as they can be with the time they are home.

When he's home he's dad and husband 100% but that's WHEN he's home. I'm just struggling with the fact we will have 2 under 2 and our hopes for his new position aren't what was told it would be. This was supposed to be easier on us...it really isnt. The only difference is he isn't getting randomly called out at 2am. But even homicide had a lul or a few weeks of nothing demanding going on. Idk if he has had a full week at this new spot where he wasn't obligated to do something or stay over or do over time or work countless doubles in a row.

Anyway, idk I'm just venting and this is long so if you read it or even skimmed it Thank you. I needed to get this off my chest.

Hi all, I’ve found this group to be very helpful in the past so I thought I would post here. Like the title says, my husband is no longer in LE. He experienced several large calls and critical incidents, sustained an injury, and his mental health was at its lowest. He got help from a therapist, did EMDR, and decided to go back to school. He graduated with his degree while working second shift and got a fully remote job right away.

At first this was a huge relief for both of us. No more scary nights, 20 hour shifts, working weekends or holidays. Our relationship is better than ever. But, we both miss it. He misses his partners and the bond he had with them, being outside, and sometimes the excitement of the job. I miss seeing him proud of his job and I feel guilty for suggesting and pushing him to go back to school. I know he feels like he gave up or was too weak for the job.

We’ve talked about it a lot and it’s just not worth the toll it took on him and our relationship. He’s talked about going back but doesn’t really feel like that would be the best thing. His partners were supportive of him leaving but they still ask when he’s coming back.

Has anyone experienced this before? Or have any advice? Did you ever get rid of the guilt? I appreciate being able to post here, even though I’m not a current LEO wife.

My husband is a federal officer and continues to cheat on me, I know I might get some slack for trying to work on our marriage but have any other wives dealt with this? We are overseas and things were great for awhile until he started cheating again.

Any advice? I cook, clean, draw him baths after long shifts, I rub his feet and try to listen to his stress. We've been together for 12 years and married 6. I have tried everything to fix our marriage but these girls are much younger than me and are constantly attacking me telling me I'm not a good wife. Been there through it all, even supported him when he didn't have a job before he got his LE job.

I saw some texts where my husband was inviting a female coworker to an overnight camp trip with another male coworker. Both men are married. She’s not. He followed it up with a pic of three people in bed together. I’m pretty upset. There’s a bit of a history and I’ve asked him to keep it professional only. This was a few years back. We’re going for counselling with a police psychologist . I’m getting a lot of gaslighting : I’m too jealous , I don’t want him to have friends, I’m looking for drama and attention. He said it was a joke because the whole squad knows how jealous I am ( I’m not a believer of close relationships with opposite sex ). I’m on the edge and was out the door until I thought I’d try to get counselling for us. Any one else deal with this kind of thing? Any advice or similar experiences?

My husband of ten years has worked in law enforcement since 2015. He had some pretty severe mental health struggles in 2017, was diagnosed with depression, and has remained on medication and in therapy ever since.

The depression diagnosis never quite fit, though. Yes, it explains the periods of time when he has little-to-no energy, sleeps all the time, loses all interest in things he used to enjoy, etc. But there were other periods of noticeable mood changes and uncharacteristic behavior: irritability, impulsive spending, sudden interest in a new hobby only to discard it almost as soon as it started, reckless driving (was even suspended two days without pay because of it).

It feels like we’ve been on an intense roller coaster of ups and downs for the past six years … not in our marriage, per se (when he’s stable, we have such a beautiful life together), but just with his mental health. Everything finally blew up a few months ago: he started compulsively lying, stealing gift cards and cash that I had been gifted, pawning some of our possessions off behind my back, impulsively spending larger amounts than in the past. I discovered that he impulse purchased a $60,000 used truck while I was at a work conference and hid it at his district office. After I found out about it, he abruptly packed a bag and ran away to a free apartment in the ghetto (courtesy officer perks 🙄). He’s not paying several of his bills and his text message usage has quadrupled since he left, despite the fact that he isn’t talking to me.

I’ve spoken with several mental health professionals as well as individuals who have found themselves in nearly identical situations, and everyone strongly believes that he has been misdiagnosed. All of his recent behaviors are huge red flags for a manic episode in individuals with bipolar disorder. (See /BipolarSOs for more insight into these intense manic episodes — thousands of posts on that thread with the same story.)

I have not seen him in two months — he’s gone completely no contact. We have a two-year-old daughter and he has not once asked how she’s doing. I’m single-handedly working full-time, paying our mortgage, and raising our daughter — while he’s just disappeared.

Except he’s still going to work.

Yeah, let that sink in. Individuals with bipolar disorder are great at “masking” — coming across as completely sane and normal to others, even in the middle of such a severe mental health episode. Mania causes the frontal lobe of the brain to shrink, resulting in a loss of cognitive function and impulse control, so you can imagine my concern that he is on the street every day with a badge and a gun. Bipolar disorder also presents frequently with anosognosia, a condition where the individual is cognitively unaware that anything is wrong (seen also in individuals with dementia).

My question is: do I notify the police department? My fear is two-fold: 1. that it will be swept under the rug — he might be called in and questioned, but they’ll dismiss it because he can present as sane and rational, and then I’m just the “crazy one.” Or 2. that he’ll lose his job or face a lot of repercussions over a very treatable mental health disorder.

He’s sick. He needs help. And there’s no way for him to get help until he comes out of this manic episode (he will eventually come down) and recognize that something is wrong. Do I wait for that to happen and just pray that he doesn’t have an incident at work? Or do I speak up and face the blowback of revealing sensitive health information?

My husband is about to become a LEO after spending the first third of his life nowhere near law enforcement. Is there anything you wish you knew before you jumped into this life? Any advice you wish had been given? Does the anxiety get better with time?

Background about the area: we're in a mid-size city with high crime - normal petty stuff at a high rate, but also lots of gang violence. He will start out like any other officer, but his aspiration is to eventually make his way to the Tactical Unit.

Background about us: We've been married for 5 years, together for 9, and I am 100% supportive of this shift. I know there will be a long and not frequently easy road ahead of us. No kids yet, but we plan to have some. Already own a house with room for a family. I work at a hospital in a specialized laboratory, rotating weekends and holidays, though my schedule is set so I know those rotations years in advance and I'm on days. My supervisor is willing to flexible about my shift time if I need it.

Hi everyone, we are still fairly 'new' to the leo lifestyle. Currently husband is working 10 hour shifts, and new command staff is planning on changing everyone to 12 hour shifts. We have a toddler and I WFH, but somedays can get pretty difficult. Do yall have any experience with 12hr vs 10hr shifts?

Hey y’all! Father’s Day is coming up and I need to replace my husbands lunchbox. He currently has a small RTIC. But it’s very old and ripping and it doesn’t hold much. Do you have any recommendations on what to get him? I need something bigger (his is like a 6can) but something that will keep his lunch cold. Or hot. Also not insanely expensive.

TIA!!

Just wondering if your guys Leo experiences social anxiety in crowds or large events? And how do you show support/comfort for your partner? Do you guys avoid these types of things completely? The fair was in town and my boyfriend had got tickets for us to go, he’s a fairly new Leo and recently had a scary fight/use of force to protect himself and others. He ended up injuring himself and had to go on light duty. However, while at the fair I noticed him seeming withdrawn and vigilant I asked if he was ok and he said he was fine but I obviously knew he wasn’t. I was able to get him to open up and he said he doesn’t really know what anxiety feels like but he thinks he had it around large groups of people and not liking people close to him/around him. He mentioned his other Leo buddies tend to feel the same way just because of the matters of the job. Just looking for some advice on how you guys support your partner? I’m not huge on Concerts or amusement parks so this isn’t really a big deal but I do wanna accommodate him in the best way I can.

My bf was one of the first on scene for a critical incident a few months ago. I’m noticing some behavioral changes since the incident that are really beginning to concern me because these behaviors are very unlike him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he really seems to want to brush things off and is giving me excuses for the behaviors which also isn’t like him. I don’t know what to do, obviously it’s his decision not to talk about it but things seem to be getting worse not better

I posted before about my husband wanting to leave his very demanding homicide position to a lwss demanding more family balanced team.

He just called me that he starts there monday!!

Very excited and hopefully. God I need a break and sleep. 6 month sleep regression with my son is killing me.

My fiancé is a state trooper in Georgia. He has been on the road for a year. I’m a full time college student and I take care of our 4 year old. I’ve been worried about my fiancé. He has become grumpy and wants to sleep all the time. He stays up on his phone because “he can’t sleep”. He will stay up until 3,4,5 am. I’ve asked him multiple times if he’s okay, and he always says he is. He says he hasn’t seen anything that has bothered him (seeing people who are dead, etc.) I have offered for him to go to therapy, but he declines. We had a date a few weeks ago, but before that it wasn’t since last July we had an actual date. Im not sure what’s going on, but I’ve been depressed because of everything. Does anyone have any clue what could be going on? I’m lost.

Hey. Newly wed lesbian woman. I’m the more feminine of us two. My wife is a newly minted deputy sheriff. They have her in detention right now till the academy starts.

Anywho, the woman who is training her is giving me red flags that she is priming her to have an affair or that they have a very sleazy work culture over there.

She texts her all day long and when I asked to see the conversation it was 75% work and the rest uncomfortably casual Like “what’s your butt doing now” or “these damn kids getting on my last nerves 😩” “what did you eat today” sending her picture of her kids milling about the floor and everything.

She had her trainers named saved with An emoji behind it and everything.

I’m a consultant so we are forced to bond with our peers too but we build rapport over time not come right out the gate forcing a high level of emotional openness on each other.

I talked to her about how the lady was unprofessional and my wife got very defensive

She’s literally been there for only two weeks and is already parroting “we are officers of the law not a guard don’t ever call me that” and “no one would understand what we deal with” and replies of work was “fine.” With no further details for a job we have both worked very hard to get her in for so long.

Any advice how to not be a sitting duck for infidelity and how to reconcile her trainers oddly casual behavior and what kind of cultural pressures she might be under?

And what kind of agency do I have over how my wife embraces the Leo culture?

My husband works homicide investigations in a large inner city and we have a 5 month old. It's been rough and the weather is changing which means more murder.

Our son and us just got over covid, our dog had surgery, our life at home is VERY hectic right now and it's all on me 99% of the time bc his team got like 5 new cases in 2 weeks.

He put a transfer in to go somewhere less time consuming, mentally exghusted and burnt out. We are waiting to hear back about paper work being signed but I am so ready for it to be over. it's been a LONG 3 years.

Last night our son woke me up at 10, 12, 3, 5 and 7. He got a call for a scene at 11:30..... I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being the only one here and I'm just so tired physically and mentally.

Anyway I guess I just had to rant a little. Departments are so slow we have been waiting for a week to eve hear back if he CAN be transfered. The waiting is the worst part and I'm so tired.

How do y’all deal with the fear of infidelity? I know we’ve all seen the statistics that LEOs cheat more than almost any other career. And they work such weird schedules that they can get away with a lot. I don’t think my husband has cheated but some days the fear of it happening is really intense. How do y’all cope?

My bf was injured while at work last month and has been home since and can’t go back until he’s cleared. I’m glad he’s ok but he is seriously getting on my very last nerve with him being home all day. He does all these little things that irritate me. He tries to set schedules for me and tells me what time to do things. For instance he will say “we’ll go for a walk and then you can work out afterwards at such and such time.” Usually im tired and don’t feel like working out after a walk. When he’s at work I workout at night usually around 8pm but when he’s here he won’t stop bugging me to workout during the day because he wants to have dinner around 8. Then he invades the kitchen for hours at a time because he won’t let me cook what I want. I just want him to go back to work so I can do what I want. There’s a lot more but I don’t wanna make this longer :-/

My husband works 3rd shift. Which is 4:30pm-3am typically. There are times where he’s home later around 3:30 or 4am. Which doesn’t really bother me.

But when he’s gone until 6am or later and I haven’t gotten a text it makes me worried. Often times he is writing reports at the station and not on a call this late.

Is it unreasonable of me to ask him to let me know when he will be gone this late? I’m currently 6 months pregnant and this has been a big fight for us. He says he’s not going to text someone who is sleeping at let them know when he will be home. Which I wake up a lot with being pregnant so that doesn’t fully check out.

Does your Significant other text you back during their shift or tell you when they will be home late?

Also please don’t hate if this is unreasonable. I’m still trying to navigate this.

My bf recently switched from nights to day work and it’s making it brutal to spend time together. By the time of day I’m finally free around 7ish normally, he’s going to bed like an hour or two later because he has to get up at 4 am when he works and he physically can’t stay up later on his off days. The 1-2 hours I get to see him, he’s exhausted. He also can’t go to some outings anymore either because of the schedule. My friend is having a party at 8 pm on one off his off days but he won’t be able to go because he’ll be too tired and now I get to accept this will be the new norm. The only option for more time together is slacking off on my responsibilities which isn’t something I should have to do. Things were going great until the switch and it doesn’t seem like there are any practical ways to navigate around this. It’s frustrating because he did this so the few times a month he has court, it’s no longer during his sleep schedule but that was at the expense of the quality of the relationship

I love cooking; it's one of my many passions. I want to be realistic with how I prepare meals when were running on opposite schedules. Does anyone have good gadgets, recipes, or tips to keep him eating healthy? #avoidthedonuts

I am looking for current or former Police Officers.

My name is Tom Ford and I am currently a police cadet in the academy. I am looking for current or former police officers to participate in a survey that measures stress levels correlated with the job. The survey is for my college research project and all current and former LEO are invited to participate. Thank you for your time.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1U1sXnyy2V1F3_me91Aavvth7LzN6V7JOP6PpHQvrvig/edit