Rules

What we had was so special, but she headed straight back into the closet after she left her marriage and got with another man. She’s told me that she’s less than happy, but I don’t think she’s planning on leaving and she’s distanced herself from me ever since they got together. It hurts more than I can describe to not even be able to be friends in any meaningful way.

I read stories here to feel close to her from time to time and those about LBLs marrying their catalysts hit me straight in the chest. I loved her so much. It was all so messy (I wasn’t a saint on my end either as I was in a dead relationship) but we both saw a shared future clearly from the moment we meshed. It was a once in a lifetime kind of unexpected connection and the intensity of it took us both off guard and “woke her up” enough for her to leave the miserable yet still relatively new marriage she was in.

I know I sound pathetic but thought you guys might understand. I just want to know if there’s a chance that she thinks about me and what could’ve been, too.

I (20f) thought I was straight all my life until I was around 16, when I thought for sure i was bi. I tried to ignore it because my family is very conservation and unwelcoming, but that can only work for so long. I’m 20 now, and after learning about comphet think I might just be fully gay. I’ve kissed a few guys before, but I have never once enjoyed it and it usually only happens when i’m drunk. I’ve never kissed a girl, which is why I’m so hesitant to label myself, but I really don’t care about the attention of men and only think about girls. What should I do?

I posted on here about 9 months ago about how I was struggling with being pretty sure I was a lesbian, but that I was in a 3 year long relationship with a man who I lived with. Not long after I posted we broke up, and this subreddit really helped me as I felt validated in that other people felt the same way as me.

We’re still living together (lease ends at the end of June) but we’ve remained good friends, there’s been some tough times along the way and we’ve both struggled with it but I think we’re finally in a good place now.

My friends were aware of most of the situation from the start, but I also finally came out to my family a few weeks ago and they were all so supportive and brilliant (my parents have always known I think). I feel so much happier in myself and finally feel like I am who I’m meant to be. I even have my first date with a woman in a few weeks!

So I guess I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for voicing their opinions and making me feel less alone. And to anyone who is in the situation I was in, you are strong enough to be who you truly are, and in the end it will all be okay :)

Hi everyone! I I want to start by saying this is going to be a long one so I can thoroughly explain my situation, also I am not a troll, I decided to create a new account instead of using my own to post this. Okay, to start off my husband and I are both 22yo, and we met in high school. At the time I recently got out of a relationship, and being very insecure and not wanting to be alone, when he started showing interest in me, I immediately started dating him even though he wasn't my type (mainly because he was/is overweight).

I want to mention growing up I knew I liked girls as well as boys. I came out to my mom when I was 11, and she started sobbing saying I am not and if I were I would go to hell, and girls aren't suppose to date girls. Even then I still messed around with girls when I started middle school, behind my moms back, however I still had this nagging feeling that what I was doing was wrong, and I am not supposed to feel this way. Fast forward to high school I only dated guys, I did have a crush on a girl but I never pursued because I viewed myself as a christian, and it was a sin to like girls.

Okay, so to go back in the story when my husband and I started dating, my mom was in a relationship with a guy and they ended up getting married. Turns out he was a drunk, and would physically and verbally abuse my mom, I often found myself getting between them to protect my mom. One night he attacked my mom and I got in between them, which resulted in him hitting me. I thought that would be the last straw for my mom, and that she would leave him but she didn't. She instead suggested that I move out. Since I was 17 at the time, she ended up putting an apartment in her name and I lived there. At this point my husband and I had only been dating for a couple of months, but I was scared to live on my own so i asked him to live with me and he said yes.

Things were great, however I felt like I had no purpose in my life or passions. So I was like, I should have a baby (dumb decision), even though we were not and still aren't in a great financial place, plus that is a dumb reason to have a child. Anyways, we started trying (19 at this point), thankfully I didn't get pregnant. We stopped trying because we realized this is stupid because we aren't in a good financial place and plus we are still very young. Okay, now we are 20 and I still feel lost, so I started pushing trying for a baby again, he said no because of the reasons stated above, and my impatient self thought, maybe if we were married, he would his mind.... He was still against it, suggesting we enjoy being young, but since I felt so empty and lost I kept pushing it. He ended up agreeing to getting married, after that he still said no to trying for a baby for the same reasons (very happy he was smart enough to say no).

Fast forward to now, I realized that I was a very dumb impatient young woman looking for purpose in the wrong places, I regret getting married so young. I also am starting to accept that I like women and there is nothing wrong with that, and now it's started to affect our marriage. When having sex all I think about is him finishing as quickly as possible so we can be done with it. When he touches me, I feel aggravated. Which I feel bad about because he is such a sweet guy and deserves so much more. I was his first and I hate that I have these feelings. I thought about discussing this with him, but my mom suggested that I shouldn't, she said it's nothing but the devil trying to get me away from something good, and now she is suggesting I speak with a therapist. I am looking into a therapist but I really do want to speak with him about this and see how he feels.

Right now, I want to be single and learn who I am as an adult, because I have never been single for a long period of time, I also want to fully explore being attracted to women, now that I am accepting my sexuality. Not quite sure what to do. I also feel like my husband should be with someone that doesn't have these thoughts, I love him so much and all I want for him is to be happy. I constantly think what if I am preventing him from meeting then one. I guess I am wanting advise as well hear from people that have been or currently in the same situation as me. Sorry for the long post!

I know there are a lot of women on here struggling currently with/married to a man and wishing they were with a woman but does anyone else just feel like even just being in a straight relationship is suffocating you? Like not even the idea of being intimate with a man just the pure fact that you feel like you are a lesbian and it just feels so invalidating to who you actually are to be in a heterosexual relationship? Dont get me wrong I very much want to be with a woman but right now I’m just struggling with feeling like I can’t breathe even though my husband is being so kind and wonderful. Im trying to get out but he’s asked me to slow down we’re doing couples counseling and it’s killing me hurting him but it’s also killing me pretending I’m something I’m not.

I’m 24 and came out last year after breaking up with my boyfriend of 7 years. Our breakup was rough because it ended with him cheating on me and kicking me out of our shared apartment. Admittedly, I was secretly relieved there was a reason for me to leave this relationship because deep down I knew I was a lesbian.

Shortly after I began dating a woman, but that relationship recently ended. After that, my father accused me of only dating a woman after my longterm relationship because things ended poorly. He suggested I was going through a phase and that my view of men was tainted because my ex treated me so horribly. “Not all men are bad” he says, but I don’t care because I don’t find them attractive. He also accused my mother of “grooming me to be gay” so she could get attention, and that “being gay isn’t a choice.” He accused me of “choosing to be gay” because clearly I liked men before.

It’s just so exhausting because I have been aware of these feelings my whole life but I felt like I would be punished for telling the truth. To be fair, my father is completely unreasonable and has made borderline insane assumptions about situations he doesn’t know about before. But I was wondering if anyone else has had someone in their life question them like this, even though we’re all adults.

I’ve always been chronically single, and it’s something I feel a lot of shame around. I’m ND and grew up with religious and complex family trauma, and have always put a lot of pressure on myself to fit in within ✨the norm✨. I’ve always had an inkling that I was attracted to women, but I’m very very good at ignoring my own wants for what’s easiest for everyone else. As a ‘happy’ medium, I eventually started identifying as bisexual—somehow with a preference for men despite having basically zero interest in being around or talking to men. So I wasn’t necessarily interested in dating women so much as I wasn’t interested in dating men (god, I feel so stupid right now). I’ve spent time identifying as on the ace spectrum, but as I’m finally tackling trauma and doing that tough work, I’m also recognising that I do feel attraction to women, and I’ve never been attracted to men the way I am women. I’m kind of learning to untangle my understanding of attraction to women as it’s presented through a male lens to how I personally feel attraction to women. Which, for me, is less overtly sexual and more, I want to build a life with you and live together forever and hold hands and bake bread and get to know you better than anyone else on the entire planet. Classic just friends stuff, you know.

I feel very stupid trying to work up the courage to have dating women to be a thing I’m allowed. But I also know I’m bringing so much baggage with me late in life and I feel like I’m facing this uphill battle of vulnerability. I’m so extremely lucky that in my current family and friends, there’s no one who dating women would change my relationship with, and so I feel this extra layer of guilt for being unsure and insecure with myself because I know it’s me holding me back, not necessarily the people or forces in my life.

I’d just really love to hear from any other people who have similar experiences or felt similarly to help me normalize and challenge how incredibly dumb I feel.

Currently reading “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle and need some more books of encouragement. Im in my late 30s and i think books on coming out/etc could really help right now. So if you know of any… 😁

My Mom doesn't want me to come out publicly. She says she doesn't understand why that is "necessary" if the people closest to me already know. When I ask her about this, she comes up with reasons (that I know are not the real reasons.) She is a very judgmental person and has made comments about queer people in the past (saying gay people have a mental illness etc.) I know how she feels deep down. I also know she is completely thinking about herself and how this will impact how people see her---a lot of it comes down to her reputation and ridiculous things like that. I'm trying to explain to her why this is so painful to hear and why it hurts but I have adhd and autism so it's hard to put my feelings into words. Can you help me explain why this is so hurtful and how that makes a queer person feel... when she tells me she doesn't want me to come out in a public way it just adds to my internalized homophobia and shame. I have about a million other reasons swirling in my mind but just hard to articulate. Thanks in advance for any help you can provide. Has this happened to you? How did this make you feel? If not, how do you think it would make you feel if it happened? What would come to mind?

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I want to date women. I feel so much pain and regret already. My heart is breaking. I still love him and don't know what to do. I've never felt anything like this in my life. I'm terrified and can't stop crying, and I miss him already. I can't tell if this is going to be a huge mistake. Please, if there are any words of comfort I need them. Please tell me it will get better. I did it because I want to date girls but I can't even think of that right now, it's just pain.

I found this subreddit and have made a few changes to my story to not reveal my personal information in case people find it… throwaway account as well. Hopefully I can become more transparent as time goes on.

I am mid 20’s, I am dating a man I have been with for over 2 years. He loves me, our relationship is improving a lot (we used to argue a lot), he cares about me, and I don’t want to hurt him. He pays for my entire lifestyle and I could not afford anything I have without him. If we break up, my dogs, my car, and support system will be gone. I will lose friends. I love him, I care about him, but I get no sexual satisfaction, I constantly dream what it would be like to be with a woman. I’ve left two men before because I wanted to date women and have ended up with a man. I don’t want to hurt him, I think about breaking up and how crushed he would be. I am his whole life. I want to make this work so bad.

I also serve in the armed forces as of very recently and up until a while ago we were planning to get married. Because I am lower ranking/newer to the service, I will not get money for housing and will have to live on post in single service member housing (barracks) which will mean not living with my dogs I’ve lived my whole adult life with, but at least I would not be homeless. Affording an apartment on my current salary is unimaginable.

I don’t know if this is because it’s a rough patch, I don’t know if this is because life changes. I don’t know. I do know that I don’t think that I am bi, I think I am a lesbian.

But I don’t want to live a lie. I want to be myself. I don’t want to lie to anyone and I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I don’t think that I will find happiness with a man. But if I leave, am I ever going to find someone who loves me again? Am I gonna be ok?

Thanks for listening guys. Even if it doesn’t get any replies just venting is great.

Hi, I'm 28, married with 2 kids.

I always knew girls made me "feel something" from a young age, and I came out as bi when I was 13. I was then in a relationship with a boy until I was 18 when I came out to my mum as a lesbian and dated a couple of girls but never anything serious. I then met my husband when I was 19 and married him when I was 20 and have been with him ever since. We've got 2 kids and a fairly perfect life.

It might be worth noting I have bpd and I become obsessive with people fairly easily, this has usually been towards men. I think I confuse that with attraction quite a lot.

I'm now living this really settled life but I cannot shift the feeling that I'm a lesbian, I look back over my relationships with men and I don't think there's a true attraction there. I think I have typical daddy issues 🤦🏻‍♀️

But how do I come out now? I will uproot everybody's lives, my husband's and kids will be devastated, so will my homophobic grandparents (whom despite this I do love dearly and they are half the reason I've kept quiet for so long)

I'm really struggling, but I don't want to do anything impulsive

Thank you

Hello. I'm 30 and never been in a relationship. Got asked by 2 guys if I want to be their gf but I always declined. At 24 I finally accepted that I'm very attracted to woman(but I knew since I was a kid and relatives where concerned).

I have no female friends and get nervous being around woman I find attractive.

I've been told that I'll be alone for the rest of my life from my parents, because I'm sitting at home. This was because I'm exhausted after work, got bullied there and just wanted to have peace and quiet. Not seeing people...well I'm scared they're right.

But I would like to have a gf, even tho that I know I'm not a good catch.

So, I'm inexperienced, not very attractive, and struggle doing basic things. Also I'm very naive. Who would date someone like me?

I’m 33, married with a kid. Marriage is not working well though I’ve put in so much effort into it. I guess some men just don’t want to try.

Same sex relationship is illegal in my country (Malaysia). Hence why I’m not out and went on to get married. But i know im bisexual and my preferences is more towards women. Cause I prefer something soft, lovable (if you get what i mean).

Everyday is a fight to stay sane, calm, composed cause i have 2yo kid, a husband dont talk to me and just raise his voice ( he prefers playing game on his phone whenever he is home ). I work at a competitive office, oil and gas sector. I’m the breadwinner cause I’m paid more than him. I keep my work and home persona separate.

We dont wear our wedding rings and I just focus on bringing the money home, pay bills and raise my kid.

I just want peace, it’s too suffocating most of the time. I want love, women’s touch. But i fear commitment at the same time as I’m still stuck in a non working marriage. But it’s just too late for me i guess.

I’m nearly 30 and have been with my husband for nearly 10 years now and married for 4. Slowly over time I’ve been coming to know myself better and I have thought I’m bisexual and my husband was aware of this even though we had never really talked about it much at all. We haven’t had much sex since we got married which I have put down to me being just less desiring of it due to some chronic pain. A few weeks ago he came out as bisexual to me and much potentate from men than women. for some reason I felt quite upset by all of this. I’m happy for him of course but it sort of affected me in a way I didn’t expect. Over the time since then I’ve been thinking more about myself and my sexuality and I’ve come to the realisation that I think I’m not really bisexual but actually just into women. But I’m feeling so lost and confused by it and not sure how to know if I’m ’really a lesbian’ and just struggling with what it would all mean and how it would impact things. I don’t have any friends I can talk to about it and I’m feeling so lonely and afraid.

Hey guys, I just had a partner move in with me. We'd dated 2 years ago and connected in a way I never had with anyone I dated. I moved across the country and we stayed friends but didn't date again. They'd mentioned that they were unhappy where they were and wanted a change in life. I jokingly mentioned "you should move here". Long story short we both revealed we'd never really gotten over things with one another. And decided to do long distance for the last 9 months. They moved in last week and it's been great. No awkwardness, kind of the feel like "this just feels right".

Some of the things we've connected on where a lot of loss in our life and trauma. I wouldn't call it a trauma bond by any means but we do have our own things to navigate with that. I've been in therapy for years and working through the grief and trauma. They've never really delved in to that. They also are on the spectrum in particular what used to be DSM-5 diagnosed as Aspergers. Communication has been challenging over the years but it's helped me open up and ask questions rather than shut down or take things personally.

I have a very avoidant person they are disorganized in their attachment. Having them here has been amazing but I also am a bit of recluse or rather I spend all my day at work AS a therapist and come home and was so used to just being alone. I have my own fears of "what if they leave me" but do so in an avoidant way. BUT their love language is quality time and mine is definitely not.

Being here we've gotten into a lot of head butting with that. I know I need to understand that they just moved cross country for me and making time for the person you love is necessary especially when they aren't established somewhere. But I'm finding myself getting overwhelmed. They aren't asking to do anything big. But I just want to be alone a lot. Took a nap today was woken up, asked if there was something they needed they said no but you were asleep for 2 hours. I did x, y, z thought I'd wake you up. They wanted that quality time but I just needed to recharge and felt angry I woke up to just sit around with a "what would you like to do". Now they aren't needy in the sense of needing to do anything big just be around each other but I struggle with that time.

But the main issue revolves around triggers. I find they often get triggered by things and then I feel I now have to take care of their feelings. Which I do for a living. Tonight I was sad because a friend that's dear to me has been avoidant but when something hard happened with them he reached out to my partner and never answered me. I got sad and tried to brush it off but they wanted to talk about it. So I explained how sad it made me, how I felt like this friend makes me feel special often and wanted but then just ghosts and it triggers that abandonment wound. I cried and was open about it.

But then somehow it was no longer about me. It was a "what about me? I'm here" and then how me saying that triggered them about a time when they were younger. And they felt guilt about the fact they'd made that effort to be friends with my friend and my friend reaching out hurt to them and not me hurt. And how just existing they felt they did something wrong and didn't feel like enough. And I wound up having to say "you didn't do anything wrong" and just found myself shutting of MY vulnerability to help them and make them okay. I tried to voice "this isn't about anything you did. I'm just sad". Like I said I'm a therapist for a living and I do this for 8 hours daily. They've acknowledged they want to go back to therapy and were open to couples stuff. BUT I can't just go home and spend some time apart to focus on ourselves. And I can't push them away because that hurts more for an anxious attachment and for someone who just moved. But I also find us butting heads more and more especially because of how much time they want to spend with me.

I know our love languages are different. They mentioned wanting a new coffee grinder. I bought it day of. They were sad about their cat having to be locked in another room (we're slowly acclimating it with mine). So I shut my cats out and let their cat be in the room all night. I'm making a point for game nights with my friends and bringing them to a big family thing, planning for the future. Rearranging a lot of my life, my house, my world. But I feel like they want physical touch and quality time constantly and it's just difficult for me being single for 3 years, an only child, and avoidant attachment.

Any suggestions in the mean time as we try to find a therapist?

Hi so I just needed somewhere to rant since I feel like I’m in a quarter life crisis. So I only found out I was gay at 22 years old since to be honest back in my straight phase at 18-21 years olds I could never really fall in love with the men I’ve date and would never want a serious relationship with them. I would enjoy the attention and affection for a while then I’d immediately separate from them.

So fast forward to me finding out I’m gay at 22 cause I watched a video from Contrapoints and a video from Frannerd (both about comphet). I realized that the only person I’ve honestly been in love with was my female college best friend.

I tried pursuing my best friend last year at 23 and holy shit it’s so different from my dating phase with men since back then I wouldn’t try so much but with her I really tried to court her.

Well long story short she didn’t like me back romantically. I do regret that I didn’t just tell her how I felt straightforward.

Now I guess I’m in this dilemma since figuring out I’m gay I have tried dating but those I’ve met on dating apps or online, none of them have caught my eye. All the crushes I’ve were ones I’ve met organically which is almost impossible as an adult.

So far I’ve only been casually intimate with two women. One hook up and another only a make out session. Both were enjoyable yet I’m craving the romance aspect. It’s weird that it’s easier for me to be intimate with strangers rather then woman I’m actually interested in.

I do have another crush right now. I’m met her through art markets but I feel like she probably doesn’t like me romantically since I’ve been approaching her as a friend and she doesn’t know that I’m trying to flirt with her.

Is it weird that I’m this romance obsessed? I keep thinking that I just need a girlfriend so I have just someone with me forever. I would frequently have these panic attacks about being alone forever alone since I have a hard time trusting and bonding with people. It’s also harder to find other queer women so the mixture of my trust issues and being gay isn’t helping. Plus as you become older it’s harder to meet more people.

I do really crave love and I do really want to find my future wife who I’ll love and cherish.

I don’t know. Please give me advice. Should I just tell this girl I’m interested in her? Should I focus on myself? But to be honest I’m tired of focusing on myself since I’ve been doing it since 2020 and have only been putting myself out there last year.

I also have this fear where every woman I’m interested in will just not like me back. I’m a femme who likes other femmes and it’s a pretty rare breed to find in the queer community.

So to any older lesbians out there, do you have any advice ?

Okay, this is something I’ve always wanted to ask other women, but I’m way too shy to bring it up irl. (I know it’s slightly off topic, but I’m asking in this sub, because it’s the safest part of Reddit I’ve found for trying to figure out my sexuality without judgement.)

Do y’all ever orgasm in your sleep?

Since puberty, I’ve had what I guess are the equivalent of wet dreams? None of the materials I read as a teen talked about anything like that for girls (just boys) and I was very freaked out and ashamed, because they were nearly always about other girls and multiple times I woke myself up by orgasming or on the verge of an orgasm. (It was the most undeniable factor for me finally coming to terms with me not being straight, cuz unconscious me was being very gay lol.) The dreams continued into my adult years and only stopped after I went on antidepressants, which affected my sexuality overall.

Sooo, is it just me? Or is this just an aspect of female sexuality no one discusses?

I have always known that i like both guys and girls, even tho past time i’ve only dated guys but i once had some girl on girl things happen in my childhood. And i’ve always had a atracción to women. (I am now 20) and i have a boyfriend whom i love sooo much. But i often catch myself get caught in lesb corn while he sleeps because i’m not tired and can’t fall asleep. I don’t know why bc i can’t stop. I just have so many questions and just so many thoughts.

I am a ( 40F) Married to a (42) man. We have been married for more than 10 years and have been togetherd for almost 20. We have children, at least a few who are under 8. I came out 19 days ago. Before I came out I was or I thought I was Bisexual for man, many years. I have come to grips that intimacy has been one-sided. Seeing him satisfied and wondering when it's my turn. I checked with the doctors my OBGYN. I am functional and healthy. I don't look at men as partners, . I like character arcs with men but I stare at the women any woman in and out of the screen.

Even before I met him. Casual sex or just friends. .I. am In love emotionally. an personally. We believe ina strong two- parent household . My bedroom blues and intimacy issues haven't spilled onto our parenting. Or caused fights. We are used to each other. He accepted and respected my Coming out. He said there were signs. He is also a very feminine Bisexual man ENM has always been on the table . We already had ground rules for him.Theybare now for me too. I am not ready to put myself out there. I fear that when women find out I am married with no divorce in the horizon. I may as well see my coming out as a nothingburger . Some stories of the power and sometimes the dysfunctional nature of limerence scares me... Yes I am starting counselling. It will give me the objectivity I need. For now I am living with longing for now in part and with a person who is loving and caring to me. Even if we don't experience "the Big O"ogether.. Embarrassingly the only way I've gotten an "OnMyGod-gasm" was from him giving me digital love, and it's only women in my head. I feel torn.

So i’ve always identified as bisexual, and have since I knew what the word meant back when I was 11. I’ve always known i’ve been attracted to women. However, I’ve only ever dated men. I kissed a girl friend while we were drunk once, but that’s about it. I’ve talked to them and went on a few dates but never further. In the past 2 years, i’ve gone hypersexual and slept/tried to date around 30 men. I’ve realized I only find them attractive if they have feminine qualities, and hate masculine qualities like big muscles and chest hair etc. I have no problem hooking up with men because I don’t get attached to them. On dating apps I find every man I see ugly but I find plenty of women I find attractive. Two of my best friends are lesbians and dating, both being straight and bisexual before finding each other, and their relationship makes me so jealous. Does any of this sound like stuff y’all went through? What signs did you have? I’ve been questioning for a few years now.

I (28F) came out to my mom today. I had to break off my engagement to a man yesterday after I accepted that I was a lesbian. Repressed it since I was 17 due to religious background. I couldn’t stand the thought of any man touching/having sex with me, let alone spend the rest of my life forcing it. I know I’d feel more comfortable doing that with a woman.

When I came out, I felt so at peace. Like I could breathe again and didn’t have to carry all this shame. It was like all the mental pain of the last 11 years leaving my body at once. I was so happy.

I had to tell my mom because she kept trying to repair the engagement. When I told her I was gay, she was shocked. Throughout the day she texted/called me multiple times. Here are the things she said in order.

She doesn’t know how to handle it

She loves me and wants me to be happy

She will accept me for who I am

She told all my family members and some people who knew me (I wasn’t ready for that)

Being gay is the product of evil spirits and enemies and we will fight it together

I must have seen something on the internet/social media that influenced me to be gay

The happiness and relief I felt when coming out was only a temporary high caused by evil spirits

She feels like she failed as a mother

She can’t eat or leave her bed

She wishes she had another daughter.

On the last call she said,

“Even before marrying your dad, I never wanted to sleep with him and do intimate things. Even after we married, I also couldn’t enjoy it until after a while and I never had that desire to have sex. Maybe I’m focussed on my career. Doesn’t mean I’m GAY or want to do dodgy things with women. You’re my daughter, so you have my genes, that’s why you don’t have that desire for sex. Sorry I didn’t tell you before. You’re experiencing exactly what I did. Don’t ever say you are gay. As soon as you ask yourself “am I gay?”, you will start believing you are”.

I think that part was the most damaging for me. It made me question again if this was all in my head, that I confused tendencies passed from my mother with an aversion to male sex. And without having had direct experiences with women, I struggled to convince her the female attraction was real.

It’s been such an exhausting day. The happiness and relief I felt coming out is all gone.

I need some help/advice bc I am at my wit’s end over here.

So I’m not actually a “late bloomer” in the same way most folks on this sub are. I knew I was gay since I was 11. I came out at 12. Despite this, I am 21 and have never been in a relationship (hell, I’ve never even kissed).

I’ve come to realize recently I’m both demiromantic and demisexual. I still find everyday people attractive, but I haven’t had an actual crush since I was 13. I’d love to fall in love again, it just hasn’t happened. I hadn’t dated throughout all of high school despite knowing other queer people bc there just wasn’t anyone I was interested in (I also was suffering from terrible mental health issues so it probably wouldn’t have been a good idea to date anyway).

I’m also autistic, and I’ve had both terrible social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria my entire life. Hell, it’s so bad I’ve started to wonder if I have undiagnosed avoidant personality disorder (I still have to ask a professional about that). I think it goes without saying that my self-esteem has been in shambles for years and I have zero self-confidence. I assume from past experience that most people wouldn’t like me if I tried to talk to them, so I just don’t. I’ve accepted a “don’t speak unless spoken to” rule in my life. I’ve been trying to unlearn this and make an effort to be the one to talk to others first more often (yes I’m in therapy). I don’t make friends often, and when I do, we often stop being friends bc we drift apart / lose contact and I’m too scared to try and stay in touch bc I’m afraid the reason we started talking less is bc they stopped liking me and just didn’t tell me.

It doesn’t help that I’m butch and I feel like everyone expects me to make the first move- to be confident, to be brave, to be “macho” when I’m none of those things.

I don’t think it’s that I’m unattractive. I’ve had people IRL tell me they think I’m pretty/beautiful/hot/attractive/etc. I’ve been trying to meet people over dating apps for a few years now and I get no shortage of matches. The problem is that those matches never go anywhere! I’ve been trying to be the one to send the first message as of recently bc I find most people (even if they swipe on you first) just don’t send the first message most of the time. Either they never reply, or if we start a conversation it lasts for a few messages then dies (either bc I don’t know how to reply or they stop replying), and on the rare occasion they agree to video call or meet up IRL (that’s happened a total of 8 times out of the 100+ matches I got over 3 years), they never follow up! It’s not that the dates were bad either. I mean ig I didn’t really feel a “spark” with them, but they were nice people and we got along, and each time they even said they liked hanging out with me and would like to see me again. We never did end up seeing each other again. I’m not limiting myself to apps, I’ve been trying to put myself out there in local queer spaces too. Bars, nightclubs, cafes, any kind of event directed towards queer people, you name it. I get along with people well, I just get very intimidated easily, especially when it seems like everyone already knows each other. If I’m doing everything right and it’s just not working, then I don’t know what else I can do?

I can’t help but feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I don’t care if I don’t have a serious relationship or find my future wife until my 30s. I just want to get these milestones out of the way as fast as possible just so I don’t feel abnormal anymore. Everyone says “you’re on your own timeline” or “everyone goes as a different pace” but it just feels like such a lie! I don’t care if the first gf I have is an awful match who treats me terribly, I just want somebody, anybody to want me at all. I just want to be on the same page as everyone else, I’m almost done with college, it’s been long enough.

Almost two years ago I started dating someone older, we had been friends for decades but it was always right person wrong time situation. Originally she wanted me to leave her when her health starts going downhill because she didn't want me taking care of her during her final days. Since we were just planning to be casual, I agreed. But then feelings got in the way on both ends and we moved in together. We've become so ingrained in each other's lives, she's besties with my mom and her grandchildren LOVE me.

Last night we sat down to have a conversation about our future. She said her heart wants to stay with me forever, I'm her person and the love of her life but her head wants to be realistic. She wants to move forward with the original agreement and for me to leave when her health fades, which given her age could be next year or ten-twenty years from now.

I get it, I really do and I'll respect her decision. Knowing a relationship has an end date that is approaching and we won't be able to grow old together sucks.

[please be kind, I am also ND (AuDHD, cptsd) so feelings can be a bit complicated, especially since this is all very new to me.]

Okay so this is a weird question, maybe. I have a relatively new, pretty close, female friend. It's mutual. It's great. We get each other. We spend hours just talking and hanging out.

I am also new to figuring out that I'm a lesbian. (My new friend knows.) And what that means, and what my feelings to different people/ friends mean.

So with this friend, I did kinda fall in love with her a bit. She helped me realize a lot through that. But because its not an option, and because I actually want and need friends rn, and because I am not in the position to start anything with anyone, I worked myself through those feelings. And appreciated them as what they were, nice new feelings.

Now we come to the stupid part, maybe. Can female friendships be romantic or have aspects that are romantic or isnt that just a friendship anymore? Like what is caring, and what is too much caring?

I read through the different types of attraction again, yesterday, and it left me feeling stupid. I thought my feelings were more platonic by now, but as per the definition (wanting to touch and hug her and some form of intimacy that isnt sexual.) I think I still have more romantic feelings left? She is also quite touchy and caring, which is healing tbh but maybe that confuses me or is wrong to want/ enjoy from a friendship?

Is it stupid that I thought I could just work myself through my feelings like that? Also is that unhealthy in the context of comphet?

And I am wondering if I maybe simply forbid myself those feelings instead of working through them if they are (maybe) still there? I feel like I just built a wall between myself and my emotions, OR that I am seeing the wall for the first time? Why must this all be so confusing.

I also have a lot of other shit going on besides that and I am unsure as to how they influence each other. And I just got my period.

Just recently getting comfortable with my sexuality and I am not out to anybody really. I am craving some intimacy and just never been with a women, I want to feel a womens body, experience sucking and touching breasts, basically feel like a teenager wanting to get naked with someone and enjoy it. Where do I start, I want this summer to be one of fully exploring my sexuality.

I am a 29 year old cis woman, married to a man, and I have 3 small children. I’ve considered myself bi for quite some time now and was very content with that. However, recently I’m really starting to wonder if I’m actually a lesbian. For context, I have had experiences with women in the past, but that way before I would even admit I was bi. I’ve been married for almost 8 years now and in all honesty, it’s not need a good marriage. I know it won’t last but I haven’t had the guts to end it yet. Lately I have been feeling like I desperately want to be in a relationship with a woman. I know it’s a genuine desire because it’s not just a physical desire, but a relational one as well. The thought of falling in love with a woman makes my heart absolutely ache because I long for what I imagine that could be. But sometimes I doubt myself and the old programming I was raised with kicks in. I start to think that the only reason I long for that is because I’ve been so hurt by my husband. I have no emotional connection with him, no meaningful intimacy, and honestly hate sex with him (and most men in general). I wonder if I’m just thinking about being with a woman because oh how unhappy I am with a man. Has anyone been in this place? How do figure out what I truly want? And if I do end up divorced and dating women, is there any hope of finding love as a newly gay single mother of three? I appreciate any and all advice. I don’t know where else to go.

I'm still living with my stbxh, and not in a place to date right now. But good lord I want to have a woman to snuggle up to and kiss passionately and drink coffee with.

I know my time will come so for now I'll just daydream.

I came out to my very kind, good-human husband of 20 years a couple of weeks ago. I was so depressed for so long; my mental health got bad enough that I figured I had nothing to lose by telling him everything (the alternative made me not want to be alive anymore). It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, but taking this step has been a huge relief. I finally feel hopeful and excited about life again. He’s been as supportive as anyone could be in this situation. It’s clear that we’ve been just friends for more than a decade and we both deserve more. We’re working together to make this split as easy and as amicable as possible.

Like many of you, I now find myself here in the infamous Messy Middle. Divorce can be relatively easy and inexpensive in my state (if we can keep lawyers out of it), but it’s going to be challenging for several reasons:

High COL: Good lord everything is so expensive. Basically, we have to keep living together for another year. It’s okay because we’re great housemates & we share a high school-age child who will be heading to college soon, but I do wish I had the option to get my own place. Oh the dream. I’m going to have to make a lucrative job hop if I want to keep living here post-split.

When to tell people: we haven’t told anyone yet. We haven’t even told my kid; they’ve got enough on their plate with school right now. But once we sit down and have that convo with them, we’ll have to carefully share the divorce news with friends, family, and coworkers. I live in a small town, so if I want to participate in the LGBTQIA+ community (which I do), I’m gonna have to get comfortable real quick with everyone having some sense of the reason why we’re splitting 🤣. Also, my parents are going to lose it. Of the many disappointments I’ve brought to them, this will be the biggest. Should be a fun talk.

Timing and untangling: Everyone going through divorce experiences this, but in the US, trying to split up while untangling things like health insurance, bank accounts, lease agreements (we rent), etc is so complicated and kind of intimidating.

If anyone wants to do some messy middle commiserating, I’m here for it. Advice also welcome. I appreciate this space and all of you.