Rules

Not sure if I needed to tag this nsfw. It is a long read and seems like a wall of text but has to be said. It’s story time and so without any further delays here it is:

There were so many signs I missed over the years that I am a lesbian. I always had a very strong attraction to women and hid that for years like 37 years. I definitely am a late bloomer for sure at the age of 50. Did date both men and women for the entire time and thought I was bi then. It was about 10 years ago guys were not all that interesting to me but kept denying it and was telling myself you like both but deep down the d was a turn off to me. 8 and a half years ago I ended up in a relationship that was very abusive but that got extreme like at the beginning of Covid. The first time I did anything with that ex who is a ftm and hasn’t had surgeries looked at me and said are you sure you’re not a lesbian. Fast forward to 4 months ago I left that abuse and moved a couple hundred miles away and went no contact and changed phone number along with blocking on all social media. When I transferred with my job to a new city and started there omg I saw so many beautiful women there. I did put myself on dating sites 2 months ago and kept getting guys wanting to date me and doing the endless texts. They really did kinda make me a little nauseous thinking about if it came to sleeping with them. I did finally meet a very wonderful woman and we both connected and really like each other and have become girlfriend and girlfriend. Last Thursday I was talking with a lesbian who owns a shop and has been out for a long time and told her about how things are going with my gf and she said to me now that you’re a lesbian don’t do what all the rest of lesbians do and move in after the second date. Friday comes along and this guy messaged me on Snapchat and gives his address and phone number and says teacher me how to pleasure a woman and then proceeds to tell me I’ll get you off and throw a laptop in. I saw that right away and played dumb and told him I’m confused clarify it for me. He said I’ll give you a laptop for getting you off and I told him no you’re trying to buy sex from me and blocked him. Called my gf crying cause in my entire life I never had that happen to me. She explained since you’re a very beautiful and attractive older woman that will happen to you for the rest of your life. As soon as she got me calmed down I told her I’m now for sure full lesbian. And my gf said with the abuse you went through along with the shock of that happening that will do it. Took dang near 37 years to truly come to grips with that. Since I did say that to her it was a great weight lifted off me and have become really happy and have found peace with myself. It took that to get me to realize I don’t like men that way at all. After I did say it out loud and finished talking with my gf I started to talk with friends from work and was like I’m no longer into men at all stop trying to find a guy for me and about the time I started looking for someone to date one of the women (who is a cutie but became my bestie) asked who do you find attractive at work. Then I didn’t want to say it cause it was just women I felt attracted to. I did ask her you remember when you asked me about that and she said yea I told my bestie there are no guys there I am interested in. Also told the rest of the women I get along with btw I’m les fully now like it was nothing at all. All the women were like we are so happy for you and saw that early on. The only woman who didn’t see it early on is my bestie. After I told her she was like you are so much happier now and am glad for you. And the day that happened on my Facebook feed right before that happened with that pos guy who tried to buy sex from me at the top up shows the tired lesbian page.

Hey everyone,

I could really use some advice on a complicated situation that’s developed in my life.

At the end of June, I connected with someone online. I was interested in her artwork, and we ended up DMing every day. It didn’t take long to realize we clicked on so many levels. Eventually, we both followed each other’s personal accounts, and things continued to feel natural. For months now, we’ve been talking 24/7, and I found myself developing strong feelings for her. She feels the same way.

The catch? We have a significant age gap, she’s married with a child, and she’s in Spain while I’m in the US. She’s shared that her marriage isn’t fulfilling, and she sees her husband more as a friend. We both acknowledged our feelings and have been treating each other like partners even though she’s still in her relationship.

I suggested we meet in person to see where this could go. At first, she hesitated, understandably, but over time she opened up to the idea. However, her husband recently had a health issue, which complicated things even more. Now she’s uncertain about when (or even if) she can come here. I can’t travel to Spain due to visa limitations, so I'm stuck waiting.

I care about her deeply, but this situation leaves me feeling stuck. I’m not interested in dating other people, but I also feel uncertain about investing so much when there are so many obstacles and uncertainties.

Any advice on how to navigate this? Should I keep holding on, or is it best to step back, even though we talk every day?

hi so , for context a lot of my life i identified as a lesbian. most of my romantic and sexual pursuits in my life have been with women, i felt so alive dating and loving women. i felt seen and heard , and actually devoted. even if the girlfriend i had was shitty i still felt like a human with goals and interests at the end of the day.

I only ever dated a handful of men , like a sprinkle of men and even so they lasted a small amount of time. im currently dating a guy, but hes told me that he has no experience with women much less does he have any meaningful positive relationships with women (like friendships for instance) and he tells me he just isnt interested. speaking to him, or rather — dating men in general makes me feel like im playing a role. no matter what he does i just dont feel seen or respected , i feel like i am more his caretaker or his psychologist than a partner …

the idea of marrying a man, or permanently staying with a man is scary for me. i dont know if its because of the trauma i had in my past. but i just feel like a never escaping guilt that clings to me. idk what to do man.

i’ve only had one serious relationship with a girl, granted it wasn’t the best relationship but mostly i’ve dated men, which also weren’t the best relationships. after my breakup with my girlfriend i’ve just been reflecting on my past relationships and especially the stark differences between dating men vs women. my issue is always not knowing if i like men or not. i’m certain i like women but i’m always clinging to that small hope that “i can be semi normal and like men”

How would you handle being in love with someone and wanting to build a life with them...but the timing isn't good. Our relationship history is a bit complicated, and I won't get into it here. But ultimately, they recently were able to tell me that they want me, want to be with me, build a life with me, be a part of my family, but that they hadn't been able to show up the way they wanted (and in a way I want/need), because they have been stretched way too thin between working full time and being in a doctoral program. Also add in some past relationship trauma that they had worked through a lot, but still crept up once they were in a relationship again, and friendships issues, and it just hasn't been able to work between us.

We're close - we're each others' person, and chosen family. But I see them struggling to even show up as a friend to me and as a role model/friend/auntie type figure to my kids while they are swamped with school and work. I don't resent them at all for being devoted to those things and having limited time and bandwidth because of it. But it seems that we just can't be together right now, no matter how much we'd like to be. Obviously, school won't last forever (probably another nine months-year), so should I just wait? It sucks to not be able to be with them the way I would like, and I do have a bit of trouble wrapping my head around what it would be like to "wait," and only be friends until they have more time. And it's not like I know that we will for sure work out once they have more time - so it's entirely possible I would wait and still not end up with them in the end. I'm 40 now and while not in a huge hurry to settle down again (divorced about 1.5 years), I don't really want to waste a ton of time, either. And I just generally dislike being in "limbo" and not knowing what exactly a relationship is! Any thoughts from other late bloomers? (if it matters - I came out as bi like five years ago, opened my marriage and began dating women, realized I'm a lesbian, divorced my husband 1.5 years ago, we have two kids. My love interest (36NB) has always known they are queer).

How in the world do you meet women in small town? I’m newly out and newly single and trying to connect with other lesbians, not even partial to dating just connecting, making friends and seeing where things go as I explore this new life of mine.

I just moved back to my home town and got on the apps, I mean all the apps at this point just trying to find somebody, ANYBODY.

There have been a total of 6 in my entire area between all the apps. Out of those 6 it has been 18-20 year olds (I’m 28 with 2 kids already 😂) and married women looking for a third to join them and their husband.

I mean I know my town is small but it’s definitely not tiny and I definitely went to school with plenty of girls who were out during high school but now that I’m back here as an adult there seems to be no one.

Anyone else been in this situation and how did you or are you navigating it because I’m locked down here and can’t exactly move out of the area just to find lesbians lol

I mean, I didn’t even dream that attraction, love, desire, and admiration could feel this intense. Can anyone else relate? I’m 37 but feel like I’m 16, except I have experience and maturity. But damn… it’s very intense.

I had casual physical encounters with 3 other women before meeting and falling almost instantly in love with her. It’s been 9 months and there’s nothing I don’t want to do with this woman. However, we’re long distance and taking things day by day.

Anyone else blown away by your first lesbian love? She’s not a late bloomer, and sometimes worries that the intensity of my feelings is because she’s the first woman I’ve been in love with. To me it just feels like true love. It makes me question if I was ever really in love with past boyfriends because the burger butterflies were there, but also a great amount of nerves and insecurity. Maybe it’s also different because being in love in your late 30s is different than in your early twenties? Anyway, she loves me too, it’s magical and beautiful and challenging and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I work in healthcare so we're all wearing scrubs and not even the fancy expensive ones like Figs but the paper thin hospital issued kind. This past week something seemed to click in my brain and I can't stop staring at the butts of some of the women I work in the department next door as they walk in and out of my department. I feel like a pervert but they just hug all the right places 🙃

I have to rave somewhere!! I can't believe I am this person right now but I've been chatting with a girl on hinge and we met up last night. We knew we're both interested in having a fwb, so we ended up making out 😅 It was super fun!! We were in my car and I felt like a teenager (I'm 34 and have never done that before). It was really hot when we discovered we both like having our hair pulled. And when I noticed her hand moving down my neck, I told her yes, I want you to, and hot damn, she played with my breasts 🥵 I did the same with hers. We were going at it for about an hour. If was far too awkward in the car to go further, so we left it at that. We're planning this Friday I will go over to her house and we can continue this.

I've had sex with other women but never this spontaneous and new! I've never kissed someone I JUST met and shit did I have FUN. I have to write out my excitement somewhere, maybe yall can relate. I can't believe I did this, and if you'd told the me of 5 years ago, I would have thought you were unhinged. I am very excited for Friday!!

Might be tmi but I really need help. So,my gf and I slept a few days ago. We've never been with women before so I wasn't expecting too much. We had a lots of fun but the one thing I had issues with was locating her clit. As my hands were in her undies she guided me to a spot she claimed was her clit. The spot sat really really low, almost just above her vaginal opening. Even tho I know everyone's vulva is different,I've never heard of anyone's clitoris sitting so low. Also,it just felt like the rest of the vulva and not what s clit is described to feel like. When it was her turn,she was so surprised that my clit is sitting so high up and that she "can feel it" because she can never "feel her clit being hard" Is it just because I'm inexperienced or could've she mistaken her utethra for a clit?😭

I'm 27. I have had 2 relationships in my life, both men. One bigoted and violent, theThe ont im straightest of straights. Angry as hell when I asked about my maybe nonbinaryism. My now partner pansexual gender open and just the best. Except after a period of no sex I'm wondering if I..... want....... that I had a crazy dream of being with a women (I've always loved women! They're beautiful and cool and alluring! I am curious for experiences from those who were straight or bi I guess. Thank you a lot

I knew I had same sex feelings from when I was a young kid but I always thought I must like men too because it was the social norm and I always had a lot of male friends.

I married a man despite knowing in my heart I loved women because I thought that everyone had to work to like men. Plus that was the easier path as a "bisexual".

So I'm no longer married and it feels like it will be time soon to come out to my family as gay. How did you come out to them? How did you field their questions after being in a long term relationship with a man?

We went through a lot but I love being married and I love introducing her as my wife. We're each other's person and my life finally makes sense.

hello everyone, i don’t even know how to start and i hope i’ll make myself understood cause english isn’t my first language. I (21 F) am bisexual and currently in a 2 year relationship with my sweet boyfriend and we are living together. i love him and we have plans of opening a business(we are in the process of opening a coffee shop). we are not married or anything but our relationship was really good from the beginning, we are best friends and lovers. i’ve been with a girl before when i was still a teen(16)but we were hiding because i was living in a small town where it was taboo to have a same sex relationship; we talked a lot on messages and sometimes at school we were requesting to go to the bathroom so we could meet in order to kiss. i had a lot of friends who supported me but my parents found out and they didn’t agree with the relationship. years passed and by the time i was 18 my mom was pretty much ok with me being bisexual because she was always very understanding, my dad although hates gay people. when i was 18 i had my first bf and my first sexual experience. i liked it but it wasn’t WOW. after i left home for university (19 by then) i continued dating guys because there weren’t any tensions between me and my patents and no things to hide as a str8 relationship is socially acceptable. i have to mention that my university is in a pretty big city where people are not that judgmental and i was staying in a dorm so i could’ve dated girls…but i didn’t. i was way too comfortable not having to lie to my parents about my relationships so my actual bf was my second str8 relationship. everything was amazing, his personality, his behaviour with me, the sex, everything was different in comparison with my first bf so i concluded that the problem was the boy, not the fact that i might be a lesbian in reality. for the past few months i was in a conflict with myself cause my biggest regret is that i never experienced a lesbian relationship at its fullest potential. but at the same time i really want to get married and have my own kids (this thing is possible in my country only if you have a str8 relationship). i recently started talking to a girl who is 300km away from me and i’m hiding it from my bf…we are not together but i feel butterflies when she responds to my messages and when she sends me voice messages and goofy videos with her. i don’t want to break up with my boyfriend but at the same time i like talking to that girl and i don’t want for them to find out about each other…i know i’m in the wrong in this situation but i don’t know what to do and i don’t know if this is comphet or not forgot to mention that my actual boyfriend is giving a very feminine energy and he’s very sweet but i told him to try and “dominate me ” (not just in a sexual way) a bit because i feel like he is too soft and does everything as i say and i don’t want to take all the responsibilities on me. at the same time i don’t want to breakup because i’m really comfortable with him. and if i breakup with him and start dating women, what if i won’t find another man like him when i’ll decide to get married? (i can’t imagine farting in front of another man🤭) i recently told my mom about the fact that i never dated women after leaving my town because i didn’t want to lie to them or hide my relationship again so i sticked with men; i felt some guilt in her voice as she realized this will be my forever regret please don’t hate me, i’m just very confused and i can’t talk to anyone about this so i want some advice. i have a lot other things to say but i already wrote a lot so if someone will answer this i will come with further questions or additions to the context. Thank you in advance if you read this far.

That's it. That's the whole post. 🎉

Lots has happened since my last post!

The good, I moved out and my divorce is almost finalized. My soon to be ex-husband finally came around to the reality of our divorce and he has been very supportive. It is such a relief to see that we can actually be friends moving forward and that our divorce is amicable. It’s still hard as fuck, we’ve both cried a lot, but I’m happy we can work together and maintain a relationship. Our friends and family have been supportive as well. I was so afraid the people in our lives would be mad at me or hate me. Feeling very supported overall.

Decorating my own place without any one else’s input has been so much fun! I painted some of my living room walls Sulking Room Pink (IYKYK), got pink dishes, found an amazing vintage dining table for a steal of a price, and haven’t been worried about anything being too girly or too whatever. I’ve been in my place almost a month and I feel so at home and comfy. It’s been amazing and freeing!

The bad, I still don’t have a full time job. It’s soooo stressful but I am making it work with part time jobs. Looking back on the past 6 months, I am kind of thankful I didn’t have a job because my depression and anxiety has been all over the place. I’m really hoping I can find something before the end of the year though because I am feeling more settled now.

The in-between, dating has been kind of meh. I haven’t been trying to find a super serious relationship but finding someone that I click with romantically has been harder than I expected. I live in a very lgbtq+ friendly city so I guess I was hoping to have more luck right off the bat haha. I have really enjoyed getting to know the women I’ve been out with though. They have all been so sweet and respectful which is the complete opposite of when I dated men lol. It’s also been fun experiencing dating again. I haven’t dated in like 13yrs and it’s my first time really dating women haha. Sometimes I am super lonely but this is the first time I’ve lived alone too. It’s a growing and learning process and I’m trying to enjoy all parts of it.

Small wins, my dog killed a rat in my backyard last night and I cleaned it up all by myself! Ok, well, actually I cried and called my mom and was like I don’t know what to do, I can’t clean it up, I’m just a baby. My ex always cleaned up the departed critters. But this morning I went out and scooped it up with a shovel into a bag and got it into the garbage! I’m very proud of myself haha.

This has been the hardest year of my life but I’m starting to see the positive impacts which reassures me I’m on the right path. All the poster’s stories on this sub have helped me when I’m feeling down too. Setting positive intentions for the rest of the year! Let’s goooo!

The thing with getting out of the closet so late (37) is that before being lesbian I'm many things. And I didn't have all that phase during my teenage years where I should go find my identity, identify myself with a specific group, learn the codes, etc. So, I have no plans whatsoever to change my entire style, I'm sure as hell not changing my hair, etc. I'm very ok with how I look like style wise.

But can it be considered "bad"? Like I'm trying to hide who I am, or can it be perceived as if I'm ashamed of being a lesbian? Is it OK to be lesbian and look "straight" (whatever that means)?

When I was with my ex (m) of 6 years, I discovered about 2 years into the relationship that I identified as asexual. He always had a really hard time believing how that could be possible, and for a long time I felt really invalidated in it and overall guilty for not feeling as much sexual attraction as he did towards me. I never really understood what it felt like to have sexual attraction towards anyone before, and had only ever dated men.

And then I became single. I've never dated or even kissed a girl before, but I became more comfortable with the idea that I might just be gay and wanted to try dating girls. I ended up finding someone who I immediately started falling in love with, and keep having to pull my excitement back because I don't want to be overbearing. I can be myself around her, I'm attracted to her, and I love making her laugh. She's SO pretty and she thinks I'M the one too good for her???

Anyways, I had a thought the other night that was pretty telling for my future of sexual identity... "what if I'm just ace towards men?"

... which is the literal definition of being a lesbian... LMAO

Anyways, I'm nervous as hell for this journey, but holy shit I'm excited!

I am finally moving out next week. We’ve been cohabitating and coparenting for so long- I never thought this would happen but the stars aligned. I’ll be moving about 25 minutes away- my work, her school, and her dad are all within 5 minutes of each other. It’s nice because my daughter can do afterschool care at my job and I can see her, and easily take her home. I have to be in town M-F mornings anyway so it makes drop off easy- I can just take her to her dads for breakfast and bus pickup. He works from home. We are going to do some kind of schedule during the weekdays for her stability and do weekends by ear.

My daughter is 5 and (I don’t want to be that parent) very…well-adjusted? We’ve tried to raise her the opposite of how we were raised and we’ve been so lucky. We have brought up me getting my own place and she seems fine with it? Even months ago, unprompted, she’d ask me in the car, “mom, why can’t you have your own house and dad have his own like E (her friend with divorced parents)?”

We talk to her about it me moving and her spending days and nights with me and vice versa, and how we will also be doing things together. And she just kinda said “okay!” And started “planning” what she’ll take to my place.

What else should we be doing? I don’t think she understands? But she’s never seen us as romantic or anything like that- but we have always gotten along and we do things together. I don’t want this to hit her and screw her up. I am open to anything, child therapy included, I just don’t know if we need to tell her more.

Also- how the hell do you handle that first night😭

As I am typing this I am still unsure about even posting.

Relationship of over a decade, kids, great typical suburbia life. We both go to therapy and both have identified as bisexual which is why we opened things up. Initially it was couple stuff and sexual. I quickly lost interest… I was hardly ever attracted to the men and found myself craving more time with the women. On several occasions the guys even left and us and we continued to play freely (the women). The relationship with him had its up and downs, I love him dearly, but am I I love? I am not sure anymore. We met when we were young and married somewhat young. We are amazing life partners, we’re kind to each other and hardly ever fight. The thing is…. We have always been very sexually active and I’m just not enjoying it with him anymore. Nothing in particular he is doing… I just want to be with women… I crave that emotional and physical connection because I have had it before. I have identified as a lesbian more recently and that didn’t sit well with him. He truly didn’t know what to make of it cause.. well we are still together. I am not sure what to do here. Things aren’t bad, we have built a great life… but am I just accepting this… I think he notices my lack of interest, but it does NOT have anything to do with him specifically. I don’t particularly crave men. I am not even sure what I am asking, but any words of wisdom you can share would be extremely appreciated.

There was a girl I went to elementary and middle school that I was maybe subconsciously attracted to but she was quite popular with the boys as in always having a boyfriend.

She was almost the stereotypical “popular” girl from TV involved in every school activity, honor roll and always attached to a guy.

I find years later out not only did she marry and have children quickly after high school but now at about 40 she’s an out lesbian and married to her wife.

Maybe it’s a generational thing, I’m a millennial.

But I can think of at least 12 people I went to school from elementary to high school with who aren’t straight 8 are lesbian, 3 are bi and in relationships with women.

Even found out my 10 grade biology teacher after divorcing her husband came out as a lesbian and is in a relationship with a woman and a vice principal from middle school. ( thank you Facebook)

I have a huge crush on my friend I’m 26F And she’s 23F. We’ve been super flirty, and I wanted to confess my feelings, but I’m worried it will be weird because I’m a few years older. We actually have both never dated anyone before. I feel weird about that because I think she is honestly more experienced than me.

Hey!

Curious how others handle this - if I'm breaking a faux pas or increasing my chances of getting ghosted. I've gotten a decent number of matches, but also have only been able to move past the initial messaging phase once. No dates in person yet.

1 - Do you message back right away, or wait? Is it rude to let a match sit for a day? I have been getting overwhelmed and not messaging back immediately. And then we get stuck on this once a day message routine and it fizzles out.

2 - I consider myself to be fairly authentic/honest in my chats. I'm fairly casual in my replies and hate dry small talk. But also it seems this takes people aback. How do others balance that? I'm torn because I don't want to scare people away, but also I want you to like me for me?

3 - I'm gonna return to the apps after taking a break for my mental health. I know I have messages that have been waiting a few days. Is it rude to reply this late? Weird to say something akin to - hey, sorry for the delayed response. I needed an app break because we as humans were never meant to interact this way.

Too much? Ugh I hate this.

I told my husband and we’re discussing separation. He’s so kind about it and it makes it that much harder to let it go. Then I start questioning if I’m even gay to spare us both from the hurt. For those that did it, how did you follow through? I don’t know if I can… it just hurts too much and don’t know if I’d just rather stay in the closet than leave him. Maybe I’m not even gay… I don’t know anymore.

Advice please 🙏🏼

I just want to say that this sub means a lot to me. I have known that I'm bi for a long time but never got the chance to explore dating women until very recently. Even though I'm only 24, I still feel like everyone else has it figured out already and I'm late to the party. I have so many fears and insecurities. Like what if I don't actually like lesbian sex? What if I'm bad? I worry that ppl won't want to be with me due to my inexperience. I know it's totally ridiculous! I'm still young! And there's no age limit on being your true self! So it makes me feel a lot better to see lots of people much older than me going through the same growing pains. Thanks r/latebloomerlesbians 🥰

When you were with men did you find yourself tolerating a lot of b.s.? Because of misogyny men get a pass for all sorts of behavior while women have to be more careful about the moves we make and the things we say. Things you would never tolerate with female friends or lovers gets passed over when it comes to men.

I posted here about how to ask a girl out a few weeks ago and I did and she said yes 😅 now the date is coming and idk what to expect. I’m so used to dating men and not giving a fuck about them LOL and this is the first date I actually feel really nervous for and I know the dynamic will be different. Any tips are appreciated!!!

Calling all queer couples! 🌈 We're actively recruiting LGBTQ+ partners who want to share their unique experiences. By participating, you'll contribute valuable insights to help shape the future of relationship research and support. Join us in making a difference! 💖✨ #QueerResearch #LGBTQ+ #IntimateRelationships #JoinTheJourney

https://preview.redd.it/1t2gupfz2rxd1.png?width=1545&format=png&auto=webp&s=0edd879140cbbb388b9d23ab6f866236aa38dd20

Title: Perception of Sexual Preferences Study [REB: 120858]

Short Description: Tell us about your perceptions pertaining to your sexual preferences in a new online study! Must currently be in a relationship, fluent in English, and 18+ years of age. Couples in casual and consensually non-monogamous relationships are also eligible! Participation grants entry to a draw for one of four $100 amazon gift cards. Couples who both respond to the survey are granted a bonus entry – for a total of two each!

What the study entails. If you agree to participate, you and your partner will be asked to complete two separate and identical confidential online surveys. The surveys will take approximately 30 minutes to complete each, and you will both be asked a series of questions about yourselves, your partners, your relationship with your partner, and your sexual preferences. Surveys will be sent to you via email. We highly recommend that you and your partner complete these questionnaires in a private and secure area.

Compensation.  All compensation will be emailed to participants as Amazon gift cards. Participation in the research study will grant you entry to a draw for one of four $100.00 CAD/USD Amazon Gift Cards. Couples who both complete the study will both be granted a bonus entry – for a total of two each. You are not required to complete all the questions to be eligible for the gift card draw. You can withdraw from the survey, at any time, by simply exiting your browser window. Withdrawing from the survey will not jeopardize your survey compensation.

Contact Us. Primary Contact (Ph.D. Student): Devinder Khera (dkhera@uwo.ca). Principal Investigator: Dr. Samantha Joel (sjoel2@uwo.ca)

Website Link: If you are interested in participating, please visit the link below for our screening questionnaire!

https://www.relationshipdecisions.org/sexual-preferences-study