Hey there everyone! I am curious if anyone has resonated with this experience. I am not asking for people to label me, rather to see if this sounds like anyones experience.

Growing up, i had crushes on girls. I would say i was attracted to their butts, boobs, their curves etc. i had sex dreams about them, and felt extremely straight and comfy! I watched straight porn and enjoyed it.

As i grew up and got into high school, i was a bit bullied for still being a virgin, so I was def nervous to have sex. I couldnt get it up with the ladies. This occurred for years. These were ladies I wasnt crazyyy about, rather just wanted to get my v card over with. They were decently attractive. Years go by and I still cant get it up in bed.

After going to therapy, using a pill the first time, i finally had sex with a beautiful girl. I was in love with her. For 4 years we had consistent sex, i initiated, completed, felt satisfied, and it was great! We were in love and recently split up.

One of the bigger reasons for this break up was this nagging thought or curiosity that i might be bisexual or gay. It just wouldnt go away. My desire for sex with her dropped. I would add that i had felt myself falling out of love with her. We had been working on the relationship for quite some time, and i ended up ending it to give myself an opportunity to explore other ladies, possibly guys too. Im working on navigating these feelings by observing my attractions for a while. Obvs therapy too. I felt i cant explore this way and be the man she deserves in a relationship.

TL/DR: has anyone here had sex with women for a long time, enjoyed it, felt satisfied by it, and then all of a sudden it goes away or changes? What did you do to determine your attractions to different genders?

How does one go about over coming internalized homophobia, I’ve known for most of my life that I have attraction and had attraction to other boys growing up.

I was drawn to some boys but didn’t fully know or understand why I got the feelings I did though I did have the same feelings for girls it didn’t occur to me despite having the same feelings for boys, I guess I thought it was some kink I’d grow out of.

The older I’ve gotten the more comfortable I’ve gotten with my same sex attractions. I can be out and open online but not in person.

In middle and high school there were a few incidents with being accused of being gay, maybe it was obvious to some. There were some experiences with other boys that I never labeled because they just felt right and natural. I never had to force myself to be attracted to them.

It’s like Neil Patrick Harris said you get that tingly feeling around certain boys

Ironically many of the girls I did like or liked me were usually gay or bi themselves, after years of denial and sneaking around gay sites and some attractions to women I’m still left wondering gay or bisexual.

Truth is I get a lot more turned on with gay porn and the idea of men with males.

Wish groups like this had existed 20 years ago,

-I'm sorry for the trauma dump >.<-

*This does contain some harsh triggers so please only read if you can manage as this contains self harm, physical, emotional abuse and SA*

My 32yo wife any I (29yo) have been married for 9yrs and have 2 amazing children together. We've had a really amazing life together and have planned out so much. I truly would be happy growing old with her... but I still feel so unfulfilled sexually. I know she is attracted to me and truly believes I am her one and only.

Some backstory:

My mother was a drug addict and my father an alcoholic. I was only 6 at the time of my SA by both men and women. At 7 I made my first attempt to take my life. After my parents divorced, my grandparents took over raising me. I was raised very religiously under their care. I always had attraction to men and not women. They blame it on the things that happened to me but I know that's not what it was. When I was 13 I came out to my grandparents who immediately sent me to conversion therapy and shoved more scripture down my throat. For a period of time I thought I was "Cured" even though I still had the attraction to men and watched gay porn. I was severely depressed and should have been heavily medicated considering the multiple life ending attempts, but my family didn't believe in medication and thought god was the only way I could feel "happy" again. I met my wife at a church program and truly fell in love with her. I can't say I was sexually attracted to her, but I was in love. We originally met very young, I was 18 and my wife was 20. Maybe it's because I had no real mother, and truckloads of trauma and she brought me so much happiness. being raised in the church we were pushed to get married as fast as possible. We were dating about a year and then engaged. During our engagement I was able to stop watching porn and focus on her, but shortly after we got married I was still craving male attention and started again. Both being raised in the church; we waited to have sex till we actually married.

-Fast forward 9 years-
My wifes' pregnancies were extremely hard and she was bedbound for months with both of our children. I had to become the caretaker, home maker and financial supporter for everything. I was happy to take on the role as I knew this was simply how it had to be. On top of all of this though, I was also helping her with her own trauma from her father who is now cutoff and her family have gone no contact with him. After the birth of our second child (our son) I got trapped in an extremely depressed headspace again. Bills piled up despite me working 80hr weeks. My wife needed all the attention I could manage to help with 2 kids and recovery after a hard delivery. Things got so bad that I was making plans again, started a life insurance policy and was going to make it look like an accident so my family would be set for life and not have to worry about the loss of an income. This seemed like the best way to handle the situation until a friend told me to seek help after seeing how depressed I had become. I was dealing with panic attacks on top of the depression before I finally started seeing a Psychologist. I got properly medicated, created a protection plan and have continued therapy since.

Last year, I came out to my wife as gay. She was very accepting and told me she was ok with me being gay. after a few month of continued therapy, I asked if she would be open to the idea of an open marriage to allow me to explore this side of myself i've had to keep locked up. This nearly caused our divorce. It's something she has a hard boundary on. She broke down, became angry and sometimes verbally violent that I would ever ask such a thing but continued to say she accepts me fully as a gay man, as long as I choose her.

I feel so confused, hurt, ashamed, guilty and angry that I've created this situation. I feel like I know I need to divorce in order to feel truly fulfilled but also feel like i'm continuing a chain of broken homes and people by doing so just to get my rocks off and enjoy sex more than I currently do. I don't know. Anyway... I needed a place to vent and yall became the sounding board. Any advice is greatly appreciated. If any of you have recommendations on a Therapist, I had to stop seeing mine because my wife hated her.

Going to be 50 this year. Married for 17 years going on 18 with two kids and finally accepted what I’ve questioned for many years. I am gay. Nervous and hesitant to approach and come out to my wife. So I’m going to come out to a long time friend this weekend who may have suspected my true self years before I had.

2025 is going to be a year of drastic change but it’s time. 🏳️‍🌈

3 beautiful children, I just want to do whats right for them. I thought I would be able tobspend my life with a woman, but thinking about the future just makes me depressed. I feel terrible for my wife, but I've almost completely lost all attraction to her.

Just thinking about the logistics of splitting up gives me anxiety. How did I let it get to this.

I’ve been struggling with this for awhile but now I’ve realized that cock and gay sex turn me on more than anything. I wanna finally accept myself as gay before anything but seem to be having issues. Can anyone help me with this or talk me through coming out to myself so I can finally make this happen ?

Hi there! I'm a cute, outgoing, open minded 38 year old guy. I'm currently married to a woman but finding myself thinking about and drawn to (older) men. I don't have much experience with guys but I am finally ready to start exploring and decide what I really want.

Needless to say this has been a struggle, and every time I get close to meeting a man I chicken out. I've never cheated before and this seems like a hard barrier to break through. It also feels wrong, but even if I feel long term I'd be better off with a man, I don't see how I can pull the plug on my marriage without actually trying it first in earnest.

Ideally looking for a man who can be patient with me, understanding of my situation, and able to coax me out of my shell and open up... A first meeting over a drink or coffee, or a date after work one evening would be great, and then we could see what develops! I do have a desire to explore the potential for a romantic connection and see what type of real feelings could develop towards another man, so definitely want to meet someone for an ongoing connection rather than a quick bang.

I'm sure there are many others in this situation. I'd love to chat about how you may have dealt with it, or perhaps strike up a friendship with someone who's made it to the other side?

How is it exactly I don’t find men attractive, but the thought of bottoming is the hottest thing ever? Nothing gets me off harder than anal play. The thought of a guy railing me basically lets me cum hands free with just the thought. I don’t get it, because when I look at guys I feel nothing. Women, however, I’m always glaring at. What gives??

Met this guy when I was 22 and he was 26. He was extremely internally homophobic which I knew nothing about. I’m closeted but don’t hate myself. Just always keep my hook ups to myself even with chicks.

Pretty frustrating being around him sometimes but I’ll admit that he helped me grow a lot. He was the first guy I did more than just fuck. He forced me to have an actual conversation when we met and we shared our music for over 2 hours. It felt like we were becoming friends. It was getting late and I compartmentalize so after a while I didn’t view him as someone I would have sex with. I got up from the couch ready to leave but he got up to lead me to the bedroom instead. I could tell I was more experienced but I naturally take the lead anyways and it was hot. He’s extremely good looking and fit, masc and a sub bottom. When we finished, there was a sadness to him as he made small gestures of pleading for me to stay. My first instinct was to leave after sex because I used to objectify people but since we spent so much time getting along I just stayed. We showered together, soaping each other down. Still, I was reluctant to get into bed but he wrapped my arm around his body to cuddle him and he fell fast asleep. I didn’t sleep that whole night. Sounds shitty, but that’s when I kinda realized how desensitized I was to hurting people’s feelings. I felt paralyzed. Watched the sun come up and finally left at 7 or 8 am.

The next 4 years we were friends on and off as we both struggled with insecurities. First he would run the cycle of the DL. Add me on insta and snap to message me a lot then block me randomly then find me on grindr and obsessively message me til I responded then added me back on socials. He came out to his fam and friends, I didn’t. He started hooking up more, I stopped almost completely as I spiraled realizing how many people I had hurt. For a couple months I got insecure about him hooking up with other people so I would joke on him about it knowing it hurt him. At another point, we agreed no more hooking up between us and just be friends, but he would constantly make moves on me then backtrack and say he was only doing it because I wanted to. Even though I couldn’t even get hard anymore. He once cried at the club after he saw me flirting with a girl. Everything was new. I didn’t know what was right and what was wrong half the time. I actually do like him a lot, enough to date. But I know our toxic friendship would get worse in a relationship. Plus he’s always said he wasn’t into me despite all the times he’s pulled me in. He doesn’t have many friends so I pretty much believe him. And If I am just warm body for him, that seems pretty fucked up and also pretty sad for him. I don’t really know what to believe but I tried to keep the friendship cause despite having friends I guess I was lonely too. As a guy it’s hard to be vulnerable. Talk about feelings, trauma and family bullshit with other people. He spoke openly sometimes crying. Some of the lows were realllly low. But some of these lows were a high. They helped.

I realized recently how impactful his presence has been for me when we went to a party recently that my friend was hosting at her house. Mix of my old friends, new friends and people I didn’t know. It wasn’t the first time i hung out with him in public or even around my friends. But it was the first house party so were confined with a crowded of people. For the first time in my life, I realized how cool to have one person in a crowd of people know exactly who I am. I don’t code switch or anything, I’m the same with everyone in my life. But him knowing me sexually was new for me in this setting. Looking at him, I could see me in the room. Like there was two of me. And people hit on him. And people hit on me. We learned some subtle gestures for each other over the years, sometimes it’s just glance over. Something just for us. Not entirely romantic but unconditional.

He latched onto me as he usually does but he soon started poking fun at me about silly things in front of people. Much like a schoolgirl with a crush would do. Hes done it before. Sometimes it means he’s staking claim, other times it means he’s anxious and trying to regulate himself. It started feeling excessive. Or maybe it felt like it because nobody at the party knew about us. Some of my friends were looking at me as if I should confess something. I tried to be chill about it but he was getting louder for some reason. We didn’t drink much so he wasn’t drunk. I was getting anxious and eventually snapped at him to shut up while in the middle of a party game. He kinda shut down after that and we left not soon after since he wanted to leave. We didn’t talk about it but I realized how uncomfortable he still is being gay even though he’s technically out. And being around me only makes it worse because every party or event I ever took him to was filled with straight friends. I was only uncomfortable cause I hate when people put me in positions where I have to figure out if they’re into me or just doing things for show. I don’t pick up on things and hurt peoples feelings if there’s no direct communication. If we were dating I wouldn’t care at all but the way he latches on just to push me away is just a lot to deal with. Kinda realized we can’t be friends anymore which sucks. Too many years of insecure relations. If I knew back then what I know now, maybe things would be different. Or not. Now I’m his age when we met and my friends and family can tell I’ve changed a lot for the better. He’s still older than me and still following a lot of the same patterns. Idk.

If you read all this, thank you. Just needed to rant. There’s not much to this story other than I guess shedding light on a dl experience. And if you are dl, I hope you find someone to share the experience with. I live in manhattan so it’s prob easier for me to meet dl dudes but no harm in trying. Seems like this forum constantly shits on dl/closeted guys. It’s unfortunate considering we all have different traumas. I have tried being friends with guys who are out too but they all ended up wanting to hook up or make weird sexual comments. Idk figuring it out.

Im 28 from Asia and never had been to any relationship. Recently, I am trying to put myself out there to make and build a connection. I also tried to utilize the dating apps or even trying to meet someone in person but it is still not working at the moment. I realize that dating isnt easy at all!

There are times that I’m convinced that i’ll be living alone until the recent realization I made. I feel like I spent my early years trying to build my career, work and support my family and I want to take this moment to give myself a chance to experience love and be loved.

Hopefully I can find the right guy and i hope as well that it’s not too late

I (32M) came out about 6 years ago, but between dealing with religious trauma, COVID, deaths in the family and finishing my graduate degree have been very slow to put myself out there and begin dating or really doing anything in earnest. I'm terrified that my absolute lack of experience will be a dealbreaker for any romantic prospect. Basically my fear boils down to worrying that, when faced with an array of choices, said prospect will not want to deal with a teenager in a 32 year-old body, so to speak; that he'll prefer someone with the emotional maturity and readiness for a serious relationship over someone like me. Most people I've talked to say this fear is overblown, but I keep seeing/reading dating horror stories on reddit and elsewhere and I'm gripped by this hesitance, which in turn only exacerbates the aforementioned fear as more time ticks by. Can anyone offer any hope in this situation? I fear that at this point I'm either doomed to be alone or to settle with someone I'm not attracted to to avoid that fate (which isn't fair to either of us).

PS - Before anyone asks, yes I'm in therapy and yes things are slowly improving but this core fear is deeply lodged and while my therapist is good he's but one perspective so I'm hoping for more points of view.

Hey guys, I have a question for the group and wanted to get your thoughts on it. Has anyone felt shame initially post nut? Does it go away? I ask because I'm on my mid 30's and just recently kind of started accepting myself. I do have a story that illustrates it.

When I was in my early 20's in college, during one summer I started to feel curious. It was out of the blue, but hoped on Craigslist. I ended up messaging a guy in his early 40's. One thing led to another, and we met up at a motel. He explained that I had to be discreet, and I was ok with it, in retrospect I think he was in a straight marriage. We ended up fooling around and I was straddling his legs when I had the most intense orgasm I've ever experienced, it's been over a decade and I still think about it. Well, right after, I just feel awful and I panic and leave.

I haven't been with a guy since. That same guy and I started messaging again a few months after and spoke for like a year, but I was away at college and it just never worked out meeting him again. He used to call me his gay boyfriend. I think I had feelings for him, but I think the guilt I may feel was always in the back of my mind.

To this day, I watch a lot of gay porn and fantasize about being with a guy, but after the orgasm I still feel weird after. Does this go away? I've noticed it has diminished a lot over the last few months, but is this just me being horny or am i really at least bi?

Apologies for the long post.

I’ve been struggling with this for years and it’s been so stressful that I just want to move on. I’m pretty sure I’m gay deep down but am having a hard time mentally accepting it myself. I feel like I need someone to argue with me, present the evidence and convince me I’m gay. I feel like that’s what I need tbh

Beeb straight and with women all my life but i started looking at gay porn when I was 13 and have been off/on ever since. I’ve even gotten fucked a few times in the past by men but even then I wasn’t sure and couldn’t mentally accept it. Recently the urges have only gotten stronger and I realized I get aroused quicker from gay porn vs straight porn. Before I only wanted gay sex and couldn’t imagine kissing or dating men but now I do wanna kiss and date men. I still mostly check out women in public so it’s confusing but I do prefer gay porn and gay sex. It gets me much more turned on that straight stuff

I just wanna mentally accept this so I feel like someone arguing with me and convincing me is exactly what I need. DMs are open

I (45) grew up in the rural south, Southern Baptist country. I had my first conscious same-sex attraction at 13. I’ve been trying to figure out if I was fantasizing about guys before that, but I’m not sure. I say ‘conscious’ same-sex attraction because it was the first time I looked at a classmate and thought he was attractive. The next year I saw my first gay porn. At some point during this I started questioning my sexuality, but I somehow convinced myself I was straight, but just hormonal and would fuck anything. I had crushes on girls, but I never fantasized about them. There were boys I would fantasize about. I had sex for the first time with a girl just before my 23 birthday. We would do it again a week later. There was a night 6 months after that we got together and went out drinking. She took me back to her place and put on a movie. I later realized she would do this as background noise during sex. But that night, I wound up watching ‘The Running Man’ in its entirety for the first time, I’m sure to her disappointment.

At the age of 28, I realized that my attraction to men wasn’t going way. I was still watching gay porn as well as straight porn and had really started concentrating on MMF bisexual porn in those days. I decided then I was bisexual, but wouldn’t have to act on it. In my early 30’s I started having a few one-night stands with a few girls, I eventually met one I started seeing on a regular basis. We were never officially a couple, just more friends with benefits. During this time I did meet a girl I started seeing more seriously. Up to this point I had never had a girlfriend before. I found myself strangely comfortable around her and I fell in love with her. Eventually we got married.

About a year after we got married a friend’s husband passed away in his sleep. This terrified me. I would lie awake at night afraid to fall asleep fearing I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. During this time, I had a dream that brought back all the desires I had involving being with a man. By this point, I thought maybe I had overcome them and it was never going to be a problem. But that desire quickly became irresistible. I quietly started looking around. I justified it in my head thinking it was the one thing she couldn’t give me and I intended it on being a one-time experience.

Several months later, when I was 39, I met a guy who was only 21 at the time. We started talking and continued to do so for about 4 months before we finally met in person. That night he had been out drinking with friends and asked me if I could give him a ride home. I did. After I got him to his place, he asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. Again, I did. So we left and found a quiet spot and for the first time I brought a guy to orgasm. I can still remember the way he was pulling on my shirt and moaning in my ear in that moment.

A few weeks past, and I was going to the store. I invited him to come along as I was going alone and would only be gone for about half an hour. He said “no,” so I went on without him. He then confessed to me he was married. I felt compelled to ask him “to a man or a woman,” he said to a man. I then told him I too was married. He asked to a man or a woman, I said woman. We seemed to agree that we were each happily married and didn’t want anything to interfere with that. He then invited me over. At the end of my visit with him, I asked him if I could kiss him. He had asked me months earlier if I would be into that and I told him no, I couldn’t see myself kissing another man. So I wasn’t surprised by the excitement and relief in his voice when he said I could kiss him. I should have known then that I was gay. I never experienced anything like that before. It felt like every neuron in my brain lit up all at once and continued to do so. I felt like my head was buzzing. What was supposed to be a one-time thing became a 4 month long affair.

The last time I saw him during that time, he had taken me into his bedroom, we had only gone to the couch before that. After our fun, I was lying there with him sitting next to me. He asked me if he could lay his head on my shoulder. I thought it was silly he felt like he had to ask. He curled up next to me, our legs entwined, my arm around his waist, and I listened as his breathing turned to the slow, deep rhythm of sleep. As I was getting dressed, a panic slowly began to take hold of me. I didn’t really notice at first, but he did. As I was lacing up my boots to return to work, he asked me if I was okay. “I don’t know what I’m doing right now,” was the only way I could respond. Looking back now, I see that moment with him asleep in my arms as the moment I fell in love with him. I decided I needed a break to clear my head, but I never got the chance. A few days later I received a text from his husband. We had been caught. He threatened to tell my wife if I didn’t stop seeing his husband. I knew it was an empty threat, but I thought it would be best for them if I disappeared, so I did.

About 18 months later, he reached out to me again. He said his commute took him right by where I worked. He asked to see me again. I met him at a nearby gas station and we just caught up a little and started talking again. But we quickly started seeing each other again. But after a few more months of seeing each other, I became fearful we would get caught again, so in order to protect him, I disappeared again. We talked a little over the next could of years.

In May 2023, he texted me. He told me there was something I needed to know, he was getting divorced. It took me about 3 months to convince myself I wanted to see him again, but I did. After a couple of meetups that were like the previous time, we got together one night and just talked. I then came to realize I was in fact in love with him. He and I started spending a lot more time together, but this time it was quality time getting to know one another and not just sex as it had been. This past summer, I started questioning my sexuality again. I told him I thought I might be gay and he disagreed. He said a gay man would never be married to a woman or even find a woman attractive. I took his point and let it rest.

In November 2024, I tried having sex with my wife for the first time in 13 months. I quickly realized I wasn’t into it and was loosing interest (if you know what I mean). I then did the only thing I could think of, I thought of him. But then I realized it was all wrong: the skin texture, muscular structure, and fat distribution. Even the smells were all wrong. I lost all interest. I got up, grabbed a pair of shorts, and had a think in the other room. I decided to go see him before he went into work. I met him at our workplace (he had recently gotten a job in the same area I work at), and we stood there and talked for about 45 minutes. During that time, I felt my “interest” rise and I knew then it was true, I am gay.

I’m currently in a marriage I want out of so I can be my true self and am hoping he and I can become a couple. I’m madly in love with him. I’ve only come out to him, my therapist, and a friend of mine who already knew I wasn’t straight. But looking back on my life, everything makes much more sense now.

I've been on several dates. Messed around some. No problem when I'm dating the Hand Sisters. When I'm with something I'm softer than angel hair pasta 20 minutes in the boiling water.

Afraid of intimicy? Leftover Shame/ Guilt from my childhood.

My therapist has no asnwers for me.

I’m am a 27 year old guy and I have never been in a relationship, or even hooked up for that matter. I have my reasons however I’d say this isn’t so much a choice I made. I have dealt with hormone issues all my life, and endocrinologists have dismissed me, which caused great angst in my teen years. I grew up with a high female sounding voice which I still have to this day. I also have a tough time controlling my weight (granted I am obviously also to blame with the weight along with hormone issues). However I have many guys think I’m transgender (there is nothing wrong for any trans person out there) but this is a wrong assumption for me. Even if not questioned about my gender, my voice is a turnoff and guys will ghost me. This has made me feel like I’m not even a true man, I feel like a half man. I have had hypogonadism most of my life post puberty. I started myself on testosterone from a clinic, and it was beginning to work, however I had to pay out of pocket and it was expensive. I had to push my emotions aside and I got myself into school. I actually graduate this week, which is why I think all of this is flooding back into my head because I have the time to think about all of this again. Anyway I’m thinking of starting back on my hormone regimen and lose weight. I really hope to keep developing more masculine features almost like finishing my puberty which seemed stunted (which has happened to people). I’m giving myself to start getting out and around by my 28th birthday which is about 5ish months away. I’m so ready to hook up and experiment around. I have so much catching up I have to do. I honestly and going to try to rack up a decent body count in a short amount of time (of course still being safe). However I also want to date at the same time, and I feel I need to rush and clump all these life experiences together and I don’t know how to do it without things getting sloppy. I also really would like to date another guy who has never been in a relationship himself, because I don’t want to have to be someone’s “student” they need to teach to be in a relationship. I also don’t want to be someone’s 3rd relationship and just be someone else on their list, all the meanwhile this guy would be my entire world. I know I’d be seen as clueless and clingy and probably drive him away. I want someone who we can both learn together, and experience being late bloomers navigating life together and learning together how a relationship works. Sorry for my ramble, but this is what my mind is flooded with, and I just feel really sad and quite hopeless about all of this. I am happy to be done with school and finally have an adult career.

Hey guys, have accepted I am definitely sexually attracted to guys but really don’t know how to approach telling my long term gf.

Short version of my story: I was very closeted because of the community I grew up in. I grew up in the Midwest in a very working class town, where if you were not into sports and especially football, you were already suspect. I was a shy kid and into the arts, which didn’t help any. I was bullied relentlessly. I realized I had same sex attraction starting around puberty, but I went to a Catholic school and there were no openly gay or bi people my age that I knew of (many came out later, 20s or 30s). I only sought out same sex sexual content and got off most easily to guys, but developed crushes only on females; I told myself it was because I had too much respect for them that I didn’t fantasize about them sexually.

Growing up in the 90s, I also spent a lot of time in gay chat rooms. In college, I was a make out whore, but only with women, and didn’t really have sex. I did have sex with a few women in college, but they always initiated and all were one and done experiences. Even when I had GFs for many months, we only had sex maybe 2-3 times total (mostly just made out). In college I was bullied for seeming gay. Once my group of friends had a white elephant gift exchange, and gave me a stack of gay magazines. I kept the stash, hid them away and got off to them. And I also regularly watched only gay porn and Queer as Folk. I know…

When I was 23 I had moved out on my own for the first time and was considering exploring my sexuality, but also still had a lot of fear about HIV (I had two cousins who had come out as gay and both were infected with HIV). That was enough reason for me not to act on anything. Around that time, I also met the woman who would become my wife. I really fell in love with her. We had a child together. And we actually had a really good sex life. She was out as bi when we met. But things were different for girls than they were for guys. I was able to brush aside my own sexuality for years. The attraction was still there, but not intense. Several years later, we had another child.

There were still signs, but nothing that I admitted to myself. When my wife and I first met, she had actually asked me if I was gay. She is the one who hit on me. She was the one who initiated sex. She was into pretty boys, and when we met, she had told me that most of her boyfriends before me had come out as gay. I think not wanting to let her down like they did, that led me to just suppress it even more. For many year in our 20s, she tried to get me to have a threesome with a woman, and it was always something that I was not interested in. Years later, we went to a female exotic dance show in Las Vegas (her choice). She was really into it, and I seemed bored and disinterested. She asked me that night if I was gay and I denied it. Also, she had previously (many times) called me out for being disinterested in touching her down there or going down on her. We actually didn’t have sex for the first few months when we met (my choice). In the years after that, it was pretty much just making out and sex. It got to a point after many years, where I was only able to get off if I flipped her around the other way and pretended that I was with a guy.

It was only a few years after the exotic review show that I came out to her as bi. And to my shock, she was very surprised. She does have a very poor memory and had forgotten about all of the times that she had asked me if I was gay. I explained to her a lot of what I wrote in this post and she had encouraged me to explore my sexuality. We had an open relationship for a while, but it was too much too soon and I quickly wanted to shut it off.

We brushed everything aside for another several years, until I couldn’t do so any longer. We had another long and tearful conversation and decided to try again. That was now about four years ago. I had exchanged oral with a guy when I was in my 30s, when we first decided to open up, but nothing more than that. This time, I did actually go on dates with some guys and lost my gay virginity at 40 (hands down the best sexual experience of my life, without compare). In fact, of my top three sexual experiences, all three have been with men.

Now I identify as more homoflexible (gay feels more honest than bi). I would say that I am almost exclusively gay, but not necessarily turned off by the idea of being with a woman (though I wouldn’t ever pursue it), and for the first time my sexual and romantic attraction have aligned as I realized I could be romantically attracted to men. My wife also came to realize that she is about, as she describes it, “90% into women and 10% into guys”. We have similar meaningful values, kids and shared expenses, so we choose to stay together for those reasons. We have not had sex with each other over a year, but have had same sex sexual partners. In short, it’s complicated and certainly out of the ordinary.

Anyone have similar experiences or advice?

42 M I finally realized I was Queer about 4 years ago. Since then I haven't done much about it past a couple of Grindr hookups. I've never been great at picking up on social cues, such as, knowing when someone is interested in me or asking people out that I have interacted with. My past straight relationships have been few and far between. Usually through a friend or dating site. I know that I want something serious and not just a Grindr hookup but am not sure the best route to take or dating site to use since coming out. Any help that could be given is appreciated.

Hi,

I am a late bloomer (M47). I have felt attraction to men on a sexual plane as long as i can remember. In the early days of the internet  (phone up modem) i downloaded pictures of men to the family computer. I “hid” the pictures on a unmarked floppy disk among other unmarks one. But somehow my father found the pictures one day. And he confronted me. But i denied it and said just downloaded the pictures not knowing what kind of pictures it was. Thats a lie, i knew what i was downloading. 

My father said something about it was ok (i think it is over 20 years ago now and i was not really listening just wanted away from the situation). We never talked about it again.

After my first long relationship (with a woman)  ended, it left me emotional wrecked. One of those when the other part really works to hurt you. It ended on both did not want to be in a relationship anymore. Maybe because i told her i liked boys to. But it is not related in time. But she did use that as a weapon.  So to beat her to it I told all my close friends i was bisexual. 

I think i was on my way “out of the closet” a few years later. Just before 30. I met men for sex, but only one time. Probably because i did not want to get any feeling for anyone. But i had one of my best sexual experiences during that time. Looking back i wish i met that guy more. 

Then i moved for education and my father died one year later. I took the death of my father very hard. I more or less shut down emotions, finished the education. Bared and nailed shut the closet. Got a 15+ years of depression in different stages (even on meds for a period). Also got 2 kids i love and a broken relationship with a woman during that time. I am singel now and been for 8 years. 

For context. One of the therapists, after i said i think i might be gay, told me to  talk to my ex about it. Maybe get some suport from her. It did not work out like that. My ex got up in her emotions and started to demand to know if I loved her, if I had ever loved her and things like that. And i could not answer her then, and today i do not really know. But probably not more than a friend.

She more or less kicked me out and i got another place to live about 3 months after i told her i might be gay. I have felt really guilty regarding being the cause of the breakup. And it has been a problem for me over the years after the breakup. 

We have a rather good relationship now built around the children. I am a dad on half time. Have the kids every other week.

I have talked to several other therapists over the years and i have talked about my sexuality but not “come out” during that time. I also had an email conversation with the local lbtq-worker and he said to take it slow. And i did that and now i am glad i did. I needed time to sort myself out.

A few months ago, my ex told me that she has met someone that might be “serious” with. On the level to present for the kids. 

I got really happy for her and it was like a ton of stones lifted off of me. I started to think about my future, something i have not done for years. And it started something in my head because i could not see me with neither a man nor a woman in my future. But i wanted to have some kind of future where I’m not alone.

I talked to a friend that suggested i should try to “talk” to ChattGPT. And i did. 

I works for me because it was a very good help to reflect over moments in my life. And it helped that it was not a “human” but a computer. And the more i told it the more it went from bisexual to homosexual. It has helped me see who i really am. I am not fully there yet and it has been quite a bumpy journey so far. But i have started to make small advances toward acceptance that i am gay. 

I do feel more anxiety from my internalised homofobe, but the depression i have carried with me the last 15+ years is ‘better’ than ever. I even had sex with a man without hating myself afterword. It was overall a positive experience. 

I still have my life as a father, work takes time and i have put on weight over the years I now want to get rid of. 

But there are still days i want to grab my pillow and blanket and crawl back into the closet. Do you guys have any good advice on how to keep going forward? I do not want to get stuck or chicken out and go back in the “closet”.

Thanks.

I’m 44 I came out this past summer. I got divorced, bought a house and am officially single.

I want to fuck everything , go to drag shows, and just dive right in . But I also have a live to live, a house to fix up, job to go to, kids to inspire… I wish I could just be a 20 year old with only this to worry about. lol I wish I could just be a hot gay video gamer on grinder 24/7 .

I feel like time is really running out on me. But if I race to everything I’m gonna get hurt.

Currently I am married to a woman and have 2 kids. I am out to her and she is accepting and we are slowly dissolving the marriage. However, after the recent election. Im torn on if I keep moving forward or stop and go back into the closet. Not for myself but to protect her and my daughter. Knowing what could come for them and their rights. I’m concerned about their futures.

Am I being delusional?

47 year old dad to 5 kids. I have transitioned over the years identifying as straight, bi and now gay. Growing up I had fantasies about sex with men. It started with one particular friend. Then a guy who played pool at the pub when I was at uni. I started to message guys on early social media and found I enjoyed interacting sexually with guys. But I was straight. In my head this never registered as not straight. I met my ex 19 years ago and we had a baby together a year later. About 6 months after giving birth she found pictures on my phone some guys had sent me. I had to face the music. She essentially made me. I decided I was bisexual because that way I could continue on being a dad and it would sort of go away. It didn’t. I was on sites like Grindr off and on over the 18 years we were together. I engaged in sexting and some video ‘fun’ and it felt really good. Yes I was cheating and that didn’t feel good but I just felt compelled. I’m not making excuses I was wrong to do that. Then I got complacent I sent a face pic to someone I was chatting too. The next week whoever it was sent that picture and my Grindr profile to my partner. They essentially outed me ( although I was already ‘out’ to her) and must have been someone we knew. This caused a big problem, but we talked it through , I said I would stop and I did at that point. A year later ( about a month ago) she said she couldn’t do this anymore, she knew I was gay and she couldn’t put up with it anymore. She told me she had fell out of love with me years ago and felt I was just going through the motions with her, which is true. I enjoyed sex with her, I like sex, but emotionally and as a thrill I always felt better engaging with men. So we agreed to split. It was the best decision I think. We are now cohabiting and coparenting. She has said she will cover for me if I want it with my homophobic parents and we are looking at our own separate relationships outside our big family unit. Being Mum and Dad comes first. We are now more like best friends and we are supporting each other to find happiness with other people. It feels great to finally be out, not hiding my attraction to men and being able to do so without all the sneaking about and lies I had to do before. I have some LGBTQ therapy lined up to help me overcome my internalised homophobia that was instilled in me by my parents and I’m starting to build a network of gay friends. The future is looking good.

Hi, first post here. 38M and only recently beginning to accept that I am gay. Childhood trauma, anxiety, battling with finance and just trying to survive would do that. Basically what the title asks... During my marriage (to a woman, still married) I have developed multiple weird kinks that turned me on, some of them I am too embarrassed to mention here. As time passed I realized I was getting off by acting on them or fantasizing about them during the sexual act instead of by the act itself. As I slowly realized that I do not find the female body arousing in any way the kinks all but vanished. I guess it was a weird interlude to discovering my identity. Anyone else with similar experiences?

P.S. Still struggling and a bit self-conscious so I hope this is not too weird.

In a few days it will be my one year of coming out to my family at age 57. I was deeply in the closet. My mom has never brought up or asked questions about my life. She acts like she doesn’t want to know.

Secondly I still hold internal homophobia. I live 20 minutes from Palm Springs, I have no desire to go to PS to experience the lifestyle. All of my friends are straight. Throughout my life I gravitated to “unavailable” men that are deeply in the closet. I feel secure with that. I’m in therapy and I hope to get better.

Hi everyone, I just found this page maybe 5 minutes ago. I didn't realize until recently the term late bloomer for us who have started life later than most others. I really wish I knew this term as well as a second adolescence earlier. In context I am in the end of my 20's and I really haven't authentically been me. I have had battled severe depression, which hindered my success in my life. I also had very severe pain, which also prohibited me from doing things for a long time. For a while doctors thought it was in my head. Eventually I saw a neurologist who believed it to be fibromyalgia. Long story short it took a while to find what worked for me. I also never knew what I wanted to do in my life, so I worked odd jobs and job hopped. I never saved money to live on my own, so I live with my parents. However I finally decided to pursue nursing school. I went a semester and failed out. I had to wait a year, and start back from the beginning. I finally will be graduating in 2 months (hoping everything fares well these next 8 weeks). I have never had a relationship or even a kiss before. I can tell l'm starting to develop my "second adolescence". I'm almost acting like a teenager again in a sense. I don't want to be bothered by my family. I want to do things when I want to, how I want to. I'm so ready to earn a living and be on my own. I never got to be a dumb, or wild young adult, and I'm so ready to be free and be dumb (and responsible of course). I do know I'm not actually 18 again, and never can be. I just want a tad bit of that feeling though. I'm ready to live how I want to, I want to be carefree and hook up as much as I can, all the while trying to get into my first relationship. I feel I have so much to crunch in a fast amount of time. I'm so ready to live my life on my terms. Sorry for the rant, this has been on my mind so much lately. So glad I found this forum

So I am (31M) I have always been a curious person so I guess that’s what makes me open minded. Now with that being said, I have accepted that I’m basically gay even tho I’m not into masculine men, I have learned a lot about myself and what I like as far as being verse as well, but my issue is I can’t tell the people around me for some reason, I guess probably cause fear of being shamed or abandoned by my family sadly…idk what I should do?