This is a complete short story I wrote this time last year, and submitted for a short story contest. I strong armed some of my non-reader friends and family into reading it 😌

I recently found this subreddit and adore the concept, and I am really enjoying reading everyone’s stories so far.

I am looking for some feedback from some fellow readers and writers on any thoughts that it inspires as you read it.

Please read, and hopefully doze off to sleep, and read some more, and let me know your thoughts. Thank you 😌

Solar Dream

An earlier critique

Hey there! Long time no see.
I got super busy for a while but have finally be able to get back into writing and have fallen into a deep hole of writing this new romance novel idea, because one can never have too many ideas floating around in their heads apparently :)

PLOT:

It's a fake dating story following Nora Smart, who is an avid trivia nerd along with her whole family. When she mistakenly assumes her boyfriend's strange behaviour is pre-proposal jitters she is shellshocked at the colossal dumping that follows and avoids her family and trivia.

When she finally returns to trivia, so does her childhood rival and next-door neighbour, Jamie Ramsey. Eager to put any whinging about her breakup to rest Nora accidentally says she has a new boyfriend and her family thinks they’ve put two and two together and that Jamie is the boyfriend and that’s why he’s returned. Jamie decides to help Nora out, pretending to be her boyfriend to their families and at trivia night. But their fake relationship suddenly gets all the more complicated the longer they're in it and soon Nora realizes the rivalry she was holding onto was pointless and Jamie is way different than she thought.

Obviously that's the whole novel concept, and not this chapter, just wanted to provide context.

THIS is the first 3/4 of the fourth chapter where Nora finally meets back up with her family and my major concern is that a LOT of people are introduced all at once. Her family is big and they're all at the trivia night and I'm worried it's getting confusing referring to all these people or that some people kind of disappear in the background.

*Note: You meet her mother in the previous chapter, and she mentions both Mandy and Charlotte in previous chapters as her sister and sister's girlfriend so you know who they are in this chapter even if you haven't met them yet. Not sure if that information helps.

Other feedback wanted:

• Do they seem like a real family? Real characters? Do you get a feel for who everyone is so far?

• Is there anything missing? Are you ever confused?

• Does the name work? I've been trying for a bunch of silly puns relating to love and quiz and thought a combination of "Unequivocal love" and "quiz" kinda worked but it feels like it might work better said aloud than on paper.

• Literally any other thoughts you could possibly have. Have at 'em :)

Excerpt: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AUdpTJ0qxzlLyNqq4JzqhChzUAvU2nAKGRQleKzb0Q8/edit?usp=sharing

Crit: 2204

Hi! This is the very first rough draft of a historic fiction novel I'm working on. It follows Federico through his life and I want to start in his childhood.

I have no solid questions to ask, I'm just really hungry for any comments or critiques, I want to gauge any interest in a story like this, or if there is engagement and interest in how it's going so far. I welcome literally any perspectives on this and with my writing in general.

Hoping you're all well, lots of love!

My Work
Link to my prior Critique (It's a really good short draft!!) OPs work was [1856]

Hi all,

This is chapter 5 of a novel I'm revising.

I know this is only one chapter out of like 40. So it's hard to really get the whole vibe from one chapter. But the feedback I get here is great and it allows me to catch things I might not catch otherwise.

IMO, there is no such thing as bad feedback. I can take harsh critiques, so don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. There was one scene I cut out of this chapter when I made my last revision, so I'm also curious to see if it feels disjointed, etc. But any feedback is fine with me.

The backstory: Since this is chapter 5, there aren't really character introductions here. By this point everyone knows who the characters are, etc. But, for the sake of convenience, my main character is 15. He ran away from home because his dad beat him up all the time and he went to live with his older sister and her boyfriend (a drug dealer.) He works as a delivery guy for the dealer. And in this chapter him and his older sister are going to Chicago to pick up some stuff from a supplier. His sister is 18, also, just for clarity.

NSFW for sex work.

The title is only the title of this chapter, not the book.

Chapter: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rzQ21E3zXGLFc72G7gAlb0yd2T2vt6sDN8DECWu_xCE/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks in advance,

V.

Recent Critique:

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1c977v8/comment/l0pmet5/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Mods, I plan to try to post that critique the right way later. I tried posting it through two different browsers. I tried on my phone both with the Reddit app and on the mobile site. I tried disconnecting my VPN. I tried splitting it in half, thinking it was too long. For some reason, Reddit just isn't having it. I posted a link to it because that's better than nothing.

Alright so to premise; I love reading but this is my first ever time writing a story, like first draft, first few chapters so bear with me if it's bad. I have a few questions and then would like a critique:

1. What do you think of the main character, have I made them too black and white?
2. Should I add some sort of character or event that allows the MC some sort of redemption
3. I'm trying to make the MC a psychopathic (would that be the term) stalker whos also an edgy teenager but im not really a psychopathic stalker... am i succeeding in doing so, if so and if not; what can i work on to make the MC more realistic.
4. Would you read this book?

and then critique away!

Book: Johan

My critique: [1952]

​

Edit: to any mod reading this, i tweaked the wording and paragraphs a little which lead to it being more words, if you want me to do another critique PM me please.

This is my first time submitting a story to this subreddit. I chose a short story, simply because this is my first time writing with dialogue, most of my other work is largely descriptive.

I started this story in the action so there's I tried to have less exposition in the start, although I hope the plot makes more sense in the end. Please tell me if it doesn't.

story

Previous critique: 721 Word Story

Any feedback is appreciated

Hey everyone,

Like mentioned last week, this week we have a fun prompt for everyone! Take 100 words of your current WIP and shift the verb tenses and POV.

• For instance, if you write in past tense, shift it to present tense. (I joked that you could shift it to pluperfect if you want to suffer, which still stands).

Example: He walked to the store. -> He walks to the store.

• If you write first person, shift it to third. If you write third person, shift it to first. (Hard mode for this one is second person.)

Example: He walked to the store. -> I walked to the store.

Now look over the piece. How does it change? What do you feel the urge to adjust or rewrite now that the tense and POV have shifted? Is there anything you like about the changes?

Some bonus questions:

• What’s your favorite POV to write in? Why do you like it?

• What’s your favorite tense to write in? Why do you like it?

As always, feel free to share any news or updates on your work, too!

Hey all,

This is my attempt at making up a story as I wrote it. I started with an idea: what would it be like if a dude lost his wife in a steam room at the rec center? and just went from there.

I'm happy because I actually finished it. When I put too much energy into plotting, it seems to bake away all the fun when I actually getting to writing.

Here's the story:

Steam Room

Critique as you see fit, but I do wonder about the theme. Since I wrote it without a solid plan, the themes grew organically and now I'm not sure what I've got in front of me. If you have any ideas about what the theme(s) are, and how I could better reinforce them, it would be much appreciated!

Crits:

[500] White Picket Fence

[2208] Roundhouse

This is the first time I'm posting for feedback.

This is a dark fantasy almost dystopian novel I'm working on.

There may be some triggering content.

I've done two critiques in this Subreddit and am over the required number for this chapter.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/VpNCZ6PJ6e

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/Bh3lwdiunF

Here is the link to chapter one

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1le0BzGeXvldgSzdC6CTxq33lFmpi-9BcQkuRvdylV9o/edit?usp=drivesdk

If I need to include anything else please just let me know.

Thank you ahead of time for any feedback.

Hi all, This is a chapter in my novel that I've been revising lately. I know it's one of the weaker chapters. But it does serve two purposes. To introduce Dave (one of the main characters) and to set up this trip my MC and his sister go on to Chicago.

This isn't the first time the MC and Dave meet in the story,. But it is the first time the reader meets Dave. So I'm really curious what kind of impression he leaves when reading this.

Also, the title of this submission isn't the title of the book. It's just the title of the chapter.

I also am wondering about this fight scene that I wrote because I don't know jack shit about martial arts. So, it was really hard to write.

But, in my opinion, all feedback is good feedback. I can take harsh critiques. And I know this chapter is not a masterpiece. So, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings.

Just for a little background of what happened before this, my main character is 15. He ran away from home because his dad was always beating him up. He now lives with his older sister and her boyfriend (a drug dealer) and he works for the boyfriend as a delivery guy. He's been taking martial arts for about 4 years at this point.

Anyway, here is the chapter.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1766S7ObN_2ncQ-HiqA7CpWtkAvVo1FPVladk3JYJH1w/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks in advance. V

Latest critique: https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1bye08c/2198_memory_of_a_crow/kzrccx2/

https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1c4thwu/354_the_boy_on_maple_street/kzwg20i/

Hi there! Thanks for having a gander at the post, and if you read the story, thanks for that too.

This is a complete flash fiction / micro fiction story that I believe reads like part horror, part lit fic noir.

A substantial portion of my writing reads to me like black and white photography, or those old tin-print western photos with the copper-sepia tone. I like it quite a bit actually, but I've been experimenting lately with how to incorporate color as a story element to develop a more substantial atmosphere. So that's a thing to keep in mind for feedback, I guess.

Really, I'd like to know if the ending is clear, if the ending was clearly foreshadowed, and if the ending was so predictable you saw it coming from before you viewed this post. Of course, I'm always open to any sort of constructive or destructive feedback you feel inclined to offer.

Thanks in advance for your time, your effort, your wit, and especially for your sharp literary talents!

​

The Boy On Maple Street [354]

Crit [479]

​

A short hook to establish MC, a key technology to introduce the story as it's set one hundred or so years in the future.

A few bits it would be helpful to know please:

1. What type of technology is Meridian?
2. At what point did that become clear?
3. How was the pacing?
4. Was it interesting?

Happily hear any other thoughts or suggestions too.

Link here: The Inheritants

Link to critique here: [721]

Mods, it's my first time posting here so please let me know if I've done anything incorrectly.

Hey, hope you're all doing well as we head on into April. Lately I've been getting into bookbinding, or at least trying to, so it's only natural I'd like to hear your thoughts on the book as a physical object. Does it even matter anymore in this world of ebooks, audiobooks and the flood of free digital writing online? Or when most of the physical books available are crappy, mass-produced paperbacks anyway?

If you ever got published (or you're one of the few people here already in that august circle), would you feel it was a loss if your book didn't get a physical release? How many of you make it a point to buy hardcovers? And by all means nerd out about your favorite typefaces or book dimensions while we're at it. I'm partial to the larger ones myself, like 6x9 in American measurements, which is one reason for making my own.

Or if that doesn't appeal, feel free to discuss anything else you'd like with the community, do some self-promotion, give a shoutout to especially good crits you've seen, etc.

Finally, a heads-up for next week's prompt topic, courtesy of u/Cy-Fur: "Take up to 100 words of your current project/whatever and change the POV and the tense”. Like 3rd to 1st (or 2nd if you’re risky) and past tense to present tense (or shift all to pluperfect if you want to suffer)"

Hi,

Here is Chapter 14 of a story I've been working on. Basically, this chapter's purpose is to "reveal" how one of the characters is getting by, along with some world building and an introduction to a side character. I'm aware that Dr Beckler very stereotypical; he's even wearing a white coat. He is the opposite of Erika, who is the main character.

What I want to know is:

Did you understand what Dr Beckler did to Joseph, as his explanations are not very clear (on purpose).

Is the doctor introduced well?

(I'll also add a summary of what happened and was said of him before this chapter below, which you can read if you wish)

I concluded that I should probably rewrite this chapter, yet I can't see much wrong with it.

Perhaps the only thing I could think to change is the viewpoint. At the moment, it is in Erika's POV (barely), but there is very little description of what she's experiencing. Since Erika is a telepath she can literally read his mind, and I'm not revealing Beckler's thoughts at all, so it feels like a missed opportunity. But I guess it could add mystery.

I'm curious to know if there's anything in the writing that's missing or could be better. And I would like to make the doctor more unsettling, if possible (he's already pretty nasty).

Thanks!

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1u2myuuxG3e1UQLaFmQkAeW8dFahMC9kE3LA_gvILGKQ/edit?usp=sharing

Crits:

1400 Down: Chapter Two [1170]

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1ba5o9w/comment/kux7002/?context=3

Opening paragraphs of a portal fantasy story. [721]

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1bxfwdq/comment/kyim186/

​

CONTEXT (optional):

Erika and Marth have been investigating the newly discovered noble, Joseph Farrow. The King has tasked Erika with watching him, as his family is not that popular. Through their tailing efforts (using Erika's telepathy), they discovered that he's camping and that he works at his old job for barely anything. They are confused to find that he has a large amount of cash in his wallet after he drops it, and they have no idea where it could have come from.

After an incident involving Erika's powers that night, they resume their tailing exercise after a couple of days to find out where the money comes from. Erika witnesses Joseph lose his money yet again, and they follow him when he decides to get more. Marth uncharacteristically panics and runs the horses out of town, so Erika can no longer detect Mr Farrow.

Marth has a suspicion of who Joseph is seeing, provoking his flight when Erika describes the doctor's workplace. The following day, they decide to visit the warehouse to confirm that the old man that Erika saw was in fact Dr Beckler, which is where the chapter begins.

Marth - Erika's butler/ friend, usually confident and composed

Erika - hermit noble (her telepathy is a secret)

Joseph - normal person who's suddenly a noble now

Dr Beckler - noble (he's influential, but only appears a few times)

Marth knows of an obscure noble specializing in healing magic through his studies to be a healer and a warning from Erika's deceased father. The noble could have been a national hero if not for the way he made his discoveries. Marth was once unfortunate enough to accidentally see the cadavers the doctor worked on in the central morgue, and found them disturbing. He concludes that Joseph is in a bad situation and that Erika's incident with her powers pointed to Beckler and Joseph's correspondence.

Hi All! I've attached the first scene of a low fantasy(?) novel I'm working second draft on.

In a world of binding contracts with baleful consequences, Ren Weaver's innate immunity has her hiding this secret from her family, Guild leaders and holy Guides or else face a fate worse than death.

I'm looking for some feedback on if writing is legible, compelling. If the characters are interesting and if you'd keep reading. Also welcome anything else y'all can throw at me.

Linky

Review Bank:

[2198] (https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1bye08c/2198_memory_of_a_crow/) [2156] (https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1bourrt/2156_a_supernova_imposter_part_2/)

Since this sub helped so much with Chapter 1*, I’m going to put forth part of the next one. After all, I do plan on publishing in the future, and I believe the first three chapters are the most important ones in grabbing attention. Gotta get them damn-near perfect.

Mainly, I’m trying to make sure I don’t backslide into overcomplicating or forcing my work to sound unique, keep the prose clean and compelling, and actually write a good manuscript without those problems weighing it down. Chapter 2, but especially this first half, slows down and focuses more on character, so I’m looking to see if I nail it. As always, I also welcome other notes.

Also, I'm taking suggestions on an elegant way to name a cone that projects hi-def, flatscreen TV screen(s). "Videolight" was proposed off-site, but I'm still searching and thinking.

* (Note: That document isn't the final version of Chapter 1, but it is close. If that draft is needed for context, I'll link it.)

Document

Crit 1 (1403)

Greetings!!

White Picket Fence is a complete flash fiction story.

I'm open to any and all feedback, but in particular I'd like to know how you picture the setting through the first half of the story. I attempted to paint a picture of their surroundings without being overly specific in hopes a reader's imagination will fill in the blanks.

Thank you in advance for your your time, your energy, and especially for your sharp literary talents!

Crit [893]

White Picket Fence [500]

​

Hello everyone! I am pleased to share the first section of the story I'm working on, The passengers. It's a tough one to write and therefore I need your feedback to know whether I'm going in the right direction.

It's difficult to summarise, but I would describe it like a dream-like story (perhaps a bit dystopian) about a man who has a normal life in a modern city, but who one day discovers uncomfortable truths about the places where his boring routine takes place.

I should add that English is not my first language, nor is it the original language I'm writing this story in. That would be Spanish. Unfortunately, I don't know any similar places to r/DestructiveReaders in the Spanish language. I've therefore decided to translate the first section of it into English as well as I can (I think I've done a good job) and share it with you. Although, hopefully, I might find a Redditor who speaks Spanish.

• Here's the text in English: The passengers
• Here's the original text in Spanish: Los pasajeros

I hope you enjoy it! I might be sharing the rest of the story here as I go along. For now, I want to know what are your thoughts about the first scene.

I've critiqued a 1000-word story here, which should be more than enough. In case it's not, I have another critique of a 1952 chapter, but I was thinking about saving that one for future occasions.

Hello,

This is the second part of the first chapter of a web novel I am writing. The chapter is separated this way to maintain a manageable length and to accommodate the structure of the story. It presents a different scene, so I hope it can stand on its own for the purpose of critique.

Recap:

Noah, a daydreamer, has just endured another difficult day at his temp job. He learns that he may soon be unemployed. With his friends occupied, he decides to step out of his comfort zone and explore the local nightlife alone.

The genre of the novel is fantasy, blending elements of intrusion fantasy and tiny bit of progression fantasy. It delves into some serious themes, and I aim to develop it into a novel-length story. Minor LGBTQ themes are also included. Currently, I have written six chapters and an interlude.

All feedback is welcome. I have already incorporated some of the suggestions I received on my earlier writing already.

Read-only link

Commenting enabled link

My critique: [1625] The Magician's House

Hi all,

This is chapter two of a novel. In chapter one my main character got into a fight with his abusive father and is now running away from home. This chapter starts right as he is walking out onto the road, literally.

In my opinion, all feedback is good feedback. Harsh critiques don't offend me. So don't be afraid to be honest. I know my writing isn't perfect and constructive criticism helps me improve.

This is my second attempt at this. My last post had a lot of comments but not a single critique.

Anyway, here is chapter 2:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1s6yF2OQjbmYxj09myuJQzgbbNj9wERRD8w0llG7_eIA/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks in advance,

V.

Latest Critiques:https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1bs3dz1/comment/kxhewq9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_buttonhttps://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1btpjh7/comment/kya5irx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Here is the first chapter of a historical romance I am working on (my first attempt at a full novel). I can tell that the pacing is off, but I'm not sure what I need to do to fix it.

My questions are:

1. If you typically read historical romance, would you continue reading a story that started this way?
2. How do you feel about the pacing?
3. What are your initial impressions about the characters?
4. Can you tell what the central conflict of the book will be? (Besides the romance, but love interest has not been introduced yet)

My work is here

My critiques: [2198] [721]

Microcrit week again.

This week’s challenge? Take 15 to 30 minutes tops and write your cheesiest to cringiest to trollingest 250 word segment. Sounds easy right? Now, edit it to something reasonable. No pressure. No judgement. Give yourself the freedom to just write. To keep things a little away from absolute anarchy, no smut or splatter. Post both the troll bit and the edited bit.

Reader-Responders? Anything in the troll bit work for you? What did you think of the edited version? Do either inspire you or remind you of something worth sharing?

Otherwise feel free to post something off topic. Maybe there was an interesting post or crit you read you want to share with others. Maybe you read a line that has embedded itself a little too deeply and you want to share. Maybe you read one of the posts that inspired this microcrit and you have questions. Here’s to the start of another week.

Hi all. Here are the first two chapters to start off a fantasy story. I've made an outline for it, but mainly only have experience with writing fan fiction otherwise. I am sure I have bad habits and would appreciate knowing those now, rather than later! I am completely ready to rewrite these chapters based on feedback. My goal is to learn my weaknesses now and adjust.

For context: Chapter 2 will immediately slow down and give more character interaction and world building. Their age is constant going forward.

Specially I am looking for:

• Showing vs telling: How is the description? Is it clear what is even happening?

• Function: Is it interesting enough to continue? If not, what point broke it for you?

• Impression of the main character: I do not intend for her to be likeable immediately, but would you put the story down due to her behavior? If so, what part? Any suggestions for her?

• Feeling: How did it come across so far?

Story: Memory of a Crow

Banked Reviews: [721] [4292]

This is one of those stories where a guy from our world gets transported to a fantasy setting. I attempted to cut right to the chase, and my only goal here is to hook the readers. If I failed at that and lost your interest, please let me know where you stopped reading and why.

This is not the full first chapter, just the opening paragraphs.

Story:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L93L-lEth8S4bhBtAk4-gP3-NC6fszmg59r50u7S\_BE/edit?usp=sharing

Critique:

[914]

Thanks for the feedback!

Hi! I posted the part 1 of my prologue a few days ago and got some great critiques! Here's the part 2. Sorry for taking a while.

***

R E C A P:

The Astrodroirs are two siblings, Astro and his sister Albana, destined to protect the village of Kokoto from a human race calling themselves the monsters. Five of the monsters have broken into the house, intent on taking/murdering the two kids. They don't know Astro is at school. Droiro Oberon, the MC and grandfather of the Astrodroirs, is unsure whether to take Albana and run or stay back to defend his family from the monsters.

Droiro decides on the latter, even though it's not what the family had planned, since he couldn't bear to imagine his family tortured for info. He approaches the monsters, who have been waiting for him in the living room, and realises they've already killed his family.

The leader of this group of monsters, Xena Eklis draws his attention, sitting calmly on the sofa. Droiro, going berserk, lets go of his sword and attempts to kill him barehanded in rage. Xena's companion Klakitcha -- the monsters from the army -- pull Droiro back and hit his guts with the hilt of a sword.

Regaining conscience, Droiro decides to either distract the monsters, grab Albana (who is sleeping in a room) and make a run for it, or if nothing else, die fighting.

***

I'm looking for feedback on your general impressions. I need opinions and suggestions on my hook, pacing and characters (especially Xena, who's the only one who's gonna be recurring). What feels right? What seems off or lame? What kept your reading/made you want to stop reading?

This is the final part of the prologue. Abiding by the sub's rules, I'll post the first chapter as soon as I can. I'm still working on editing it, so please have some patience!

***

Link to doc.

***

My critiques:

[925]

[1807]

​

​

​

I'm currently working on a novel and this is the first 1000 words. It is a satire (the views are not my own) but I'd like some general feedback. Is it funny or does it miss the mark? Did you enjoy it? How is the prose, etc. I've done a bit of writing before but predominantly short stories. Feel free to tear it apart. I just want to improve.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N6I8fLL1KO5EWBxiTWmGHmoi2-rakylvpIFOzR1EcF4/edit?usp=sharing

Crit: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1bvu264/comment/ky5jdsc/

So after shopping my query for my memoir around a bit, I realized it was an utter failure and many people told me I'd be better off re-writing it as autofiction. I decided to keep it in the first person, as I experimented with a 3rd-person narrator but felt that the reader had too much distance from the character at that point.

Here's a bit of information about the novel-- don't think of this as a query letter, but it's kind of what I'm working with, so that when I do eventually think about querying this in a year or so I have an idea of what to do.

When 24-year-old Laura breaks out of a four-year-long abusive relationship, she believes her life is finally on the upswing. But her COVID infection—which her ex gave her by cheating on her during the height of the pandemic—is turning out to have long-lasting impacts. Her headaches become migraines, her fatigue becomes frightening, and it’s not long before she is diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME/CFS): an incurable condition where sufferers worsen from exertion. It is sometimes known as “the living death disease.”

Soon, Laura becomes bedridden and must move back in with her parents. She is forced to fight battles on several fronts: with the doctors who writes off her condition as a made-up disease, with the psychiatrist who wants her institutionalized, and with the father who refuses to believe that she is sick. Confined to her bedroom, she is also forced to confront her long history of trauma. All of these things may be far too much for her to overcome. At constant risk of worsening still further, and surrounded by people who call her “the boy who cried wolf”, she must do everything within her power to get the care she needs, as well as confronting the trauma that has poisoned her life since childhood.

I'm toying with the idea of keeping it in present tense. I tried this with first person past tense (the same tense as i was using when it was a memoir, of course!) but it sounded too………. memoir-ish. And since it’s not a memoir anymore, I want to avoid that.

What do you think? Would it work better in past tense? Guide me! Destroy me!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16jYR48tjd15EeXrnn98blT1e_IewnS_8JQKGdSAbsWE/edit?usp=sharing

Also - I posted a similar excerpt on QTCritique and got absolutely no feedback, which means that there’s something about the writing itself that really puts people off and makes them not want to read it. I’d love to know what this is, if possible.

Credits -

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1bv8nkf/4292_point_nemo_complete_short_story/ky1cv5y/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1bv8nkf/4292_point_nemo_complete_short_story/ky1cwzc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app

(4292)

Hello all. Working my way up from exercises and scenes to short stories, and I would appreciate your feedback. I know this is a little longer than many submissions, but I wanted to see if the entire story flowed well, and ended up satisfying.

Specifically, what I am looking for first and foremost is:

Was the piece engaging, and why?

My showing vs telling ratio, and if there were some elements you would prefer I spent more or less time on?

Did you feel I effectively created a proper tone / atmosphere?

What you felt I did well vs could use improvement. (I've been told I needed to focus on transitions a little more.)

Thank you to everyone.

My story:

Point Nemo

Critiques for credit:

(8778 total)

1457, 1594, 925, 1366 1 of 2, 1366 2 of 2 (same as prior), 1043, 2393 1 of 2, 2393 2 of 2 (same as prior)

​

This is the opening chapter for my epic fantasy/legal thriller called Oathbound: The Shadow's Covenant. It's the first of what will likely be a series. For context, there is a prologue with significant action from the later inciting event before the opening of this scene to offset this chapter's slower start. Would love to hear your thoughts and critiques!

Here's the link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JDT8r2Y123z7VjM-rQV2pGQPIZq8ebyXdrPvJq0Lzww/edit?usp=sharing

Critique:

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1btj8p8/comment/kxvn141/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button

Throwing my terrible writing to the wolves for a second mauling based on the changes suggested the previous time.

Cashing in some older crits before they expire:

Yeti [1156]

Terrible Tragedy [485]

An autistic man indebted to organised crime, having been tasked with a ridiculously flashy assassination, reads an old anatomy book in pursuit of the perfect headshot. This is interwoven with his rural childhood as a traumatised boy who is struggling to settle into life with an actually kind woman after being stuck in an underfunded, under-resourced institute.

Link to document: Google Doc

Things I think are wrong with it:
I don't know how to make a scene that's about someone's thought processes compelling, and I feel like it's very stuck in Aleksandr's head. He's effectively making tea, overthinking, and too pre-occupied with this overwhelming task to do anything, and when does do something, he feels guilty about it.

I am not a firearms person - I live in the UK, but I'm epileptic so I can't get a firearms license (just as I can't drive) and only plinked cans a few times a few years before the accident that made me epileptic. I probably have Aleksandr's mindset about the headshot thing kinda wrong. Aleksandr has never shot anyone, and while he has been practicing (hence Kirill, who supplied him with the rifle he'll be using) and did used to shoot animals for pest-control when lived more rurally, this is absolutely not the method he'd choose, and while he does have the patient, attentive, observant and focused personality to be pretty good at the 'rooftop marksman' archetype, that's not what he is. He's a good enough marksman to reliably hit Berezin at around 145m (just under 160yds). All that in mind, however, the moment where he admits to himself that he's overthinking, procrastinating, and distracting himself by analysing the anatomy so deeply but quite unnecessarily still feels forced. Minimising his over-thinking to one paragraph was a step I took so the reader wouldn't be stuck with too much technicality that is intentionally mostly redundant.

The usual stuff about clunky prose, and trying to pick the right tone for the inner monologue of someone who is well read, has a rather technical mindset and is an intellectual not a warrior, but without it sounding pretentious or melodramatic.

Context:

This scene is quite a way into the novel. Markovich's demands of Aleksandr have been getting increasingly violent and unhinged, and as the process of planning this assassination progresses, Aleksandr vacillates about whether he'll go through with it or not. I've already established the geography of Aleksandr's intended location quite thoroughly. As such, 'third floor room' and 'the crossing' should make sense contextually.

Additionally, Aleksandr has killed before (which is why Vladimir Markovich thinks he'd be up for this task), but in a very different context, and certainly not because of irrational orders that were given to him when his boss was drunk and coked out of his mind - which his boss then doubled down on after Aleksandr checked back when he had been given time to sober up a little.

Note: 'Sasha' is nickname for 'Aleksandr'. Russian diminutives work differently (so 'Aleksei' isn't the nickname, for example). This is already established earlier on in the book. He calls his boss 'Vladimir Markovich' because proper first name + patronymic, is as far as I'm aware, the respectful form of address. I know it might seem clunky, but using either one of those names in isolation would change what relationship is implied.

An internat is a residential home/school for children with special needs. He was institutionalised for his neurodivergence, but as he was adopted without proper documentation (or proper procedure) he is unaware he's autistic (but very aware he's different).

Changes made since last time (other than it being nearly 600 words longer):

Earlier Version: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/192mztg/1000_murder_has_homework/

~Radically altered the structure so the flashback is once whole shortened scene sandwiched between the present.

~Edited the flashback, and tried to give it more of a sense that Sasha/kid Aleksandr is genuinely afraid of getting in trouble, and that he's used to corporal punishment. The resolution that Aunt Yelena is oblivious, and that he's not in trouble, is intentionally anticlimactic, as the whole scene is meant to be demonstrative that Aleksandr's been assuming worst-case-scenario consequences to everything from a very young age because of his traumatic background and fears authority figures.

~ Made a point to clarify that the normalcy of him going home and making tea is supposed to be jarring, and I made it jarring to Aleksandr who feels wrong about acting so ordinarily while trying to navigate between obligation and principle. I've also tried to reinforce that it is routine through showing the evidence of him having repeatedly done the same thing, but I might have just over-written the entire paragraph.

~ Given him more physical manifestations of the stress he's under, and shown him with his usual stim (spinning things).

~ Given Aleksandr more internal monologue that's actually indecisive about whether he'll actually go through with it. He's making serious plans, he thinks about how humane he can and can't be, but he also considers other options.

~I've clarified that his anatomical thoughts are overthinking.

~I've given him more considerations about other pragmatic elements of his mission.