I (HLM 49) have a large interest in water sports. I can usually get off watching my wife (LLM 48) pee in the toilet or in the shower on me or not. It usually satisfies me and she’s generally willing to do it and will even hold it when I ask her to in order to make it last longer.

I’m curious if others have looked for sexual but other than sex outlets.

I (M30) and my partner (M41) are currently experiencing a long rut. I’m here seeking some advice. I understand life’s stresses take a major factor in deathbed, but maybe things could flip around and/or listening to others inputs.

Back history: been married for 5 years, great sex life up until Feb 2022, when his Apple Watch notified him of AFIB. We got that squared away with medication (which turns out was killing his Testosterone levels) then later surgery to fix AFIB and got on TRT. Still nothing.

Career change in 2023: completely understand that shift is stressful. His job is mentally exhausting. Which now leds to ED - he’s on medication for that too. I’m very sympathetic towards all of this. I’m self aware that his medical and stressful situations have taken over. He’s also self aware that this all sucks and we’ve had many discussions about lack of sex life; he’s brought it up, I brought it up. Though, if I bring it up too often I get hit with the “please stop brining this up, it’s just adding more stress to our situation.”

We have intimate moments, cuddling, few make out sessions here and there, few handys, but not even a handful of actual sex (2022-now, 2024)

Am I just selfish in wanting a normal sex life? Or is marriage’s sex life like a roller coaster and we just happen to be downhill at the moment? I’ve read many others posts and inputs and something that stuck out to me was people who were in ruts rarely got out.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully anyone gay/straight has input on this, really appreciate you taking the time to read and/or reply

Hello, I know this may be tiring for some to read...but my fiance and I have been together 6 years, by the time of our wedding date. Growing up Christian, I never considered I would be the HL one, and yet here I am. We were long distance for a while due to the military, and I always thought our sex life would improve once we lived together. Well, it's been several years now, and he only wakes me up for sex in the middle of the night. We've had many discussions, I've cried in frustration and hurt, but no amount of talking has changed anything. And I've never finished during sex... Which he is aware of and has not seemed to try to fix/help with/etc. Now this is the part where I lose people: he is the love of my life, supports me in every way, and we have survived many trials together. I can not imagine my life without him, and yet I feel absolutely discarded when it comes to intimacy. Is there anything I can do to change the trajectory of our sex life, or am I sealing my own fate in marriage?

But tonight I’m not even up for it. Feels too pathetic. Just feel like a loser. I know there’s other circumstances going on and her plans to “fix it” are constantly delayed, but it still hurts. It still sucks. I want to get off but I’m too sad and mopey to even get horny. I don’t want porn I want her. The dead bedroom has taken up more than half our relationship now and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do without her. I just want her hands to want me again. I want to feel wanted by her, craved. I don’t get any of that anymore and it tears at me.

my gf (25) and I (24M) have been together for four years now, and as expected we’re not having sex like we did in the first year. However, it’s to the point where we are having sex about twice a month. It’s honestly depressing now, especially since she rarely initiates it. Outside of the bedroom we have an extremely healthy relationship, we’re best friends and we spend tons of time together. I just worry that she’s lost that sexual attraction for me through these years.

I've been in a relationship for about 1.5 years with my current girlfriend. We're both close to the same age, we have lived together for a little over a year, and everything else is great for us. Aside from some financial stress that we're both working through together, but this predates that.

We knew each other for a while before we started dating and we were effectively FWB for a few months before we made it official. The thing is I feel like back in this stage the sex was pretty frequent, probably 1-3 times a week or so. Not always intercourse but some sexual intimacy was pretty common for us at first.

Now a year and a half or so into the relationship we are having sex (or anything related to it) maybe every 2-3 months? I have a pretty high sex drive I think, and I end up handling things myself a few times a week now. We have a small apartment and are almost always together. We are comfortable with each other masturbating, but it's still hard for me to find a time or place to do it without neglecting her. It's usually after she goes to bed.

We have talked about this some, and she says her sex drive just isn't very high anymore and said more recently that intercourse can be painful for her and that's part of why she avoids it. Thing is I'm not just expecting intercourse, I always focus on her needs first and make sure she's taken care of BEFORE intercourse is an option. Plenty of foreplay etc. She doesn't want to use lube and doesn't want to do oral really either, so I don't know what a solution might be.

Before we even started hanging out she seems like she had a lot more sex(which is fine) and she is much more experienced than me. Even like I said when we were effectively FWB we got intimate a LOT more often too. It makes me feel insecure sometimes and I know that's a me problem, but it just makes me wonder if it's something to do with me. She was intimate a lot more often before me and even before we dated officially, but now it's much more rare. I start to think is it because I've gained weight? Am I less attractive than I was then?

I want us to have a healthy sex life again, and I don't want it to be unpleasant or even painful for her. I try to make sure we do a lot of foreplay and I think we communicate well when we DO have sex, it's just that it's very infrequent now being every 2-3 months or so. I don't want to sound entitled I just don't want to ONLY take care of things on my own, I miss our intimacy and I wish I could make it comfortable for her again.

I'm a 21 HLF and he's a 34 LLM. At the beginning of our relationship we hopped into having sex, mostly because he gets "excited" when we make out. Early in our relationship I didn't really know that you didn't have to interact when a man is hard I just thought you HAD to interact. So I feel like I was very easy at the beginning and maybe that made me less desirable. So during this time there was a bit of erectile dysfunction which I didn't think too much of it considering it's very common. But later it became that after I tried so many things like giving him bjs often, exploring butt play that was quickly shut down, him giving head to me ( he did it bad once and never did it again, btw he USED TEETH), I've even bought him pills and starfished for him . Later on he came out as asexual which honestly was upsetting but I thought I could get through it. Later he said that he prefers pre sex things over having sex which really dug in the fact that he really doesn't enjoy sex. So I genuinely thought, what's the point any more. I asked him if I could start having sex outside of our relationship, first he said only with women, then he opened it to everyone. I briefly engaged in this but it obliterated my self worth. I shouldn't have to have sex with other ppl to feel comfortable in my relationship. I just don't want to do it anymore.

I came here to get some insight into my own miserable life. In my case I'm the LLF with a HLM. I wanted to see things from his point of view and I have. I feel bad that he may feel lonely unloved and unattractive because of my LL. The problem is I've had sex with him so many times over the years when I didn't really want to that I am actively unattracted to him and have lost any respect and affection I had. I know he's done things to me sexually knowing I'm hating it. All the posts on here scream of incompatible couples staying together and making each other miserable. Wasted lives.

Been married 20 years, both of us in our forties. Still in love. I need contact, sense of touch. She needs space. When we vacation together, we're great. Day to day, we're roommates.

Our kids are getting older (10, 15), we're financially comfortable, but we just don't seem to have chemistry anymore. Logically, I don't get it. I feel lonely. She's sleeping next to me, I just want to hold her close, and she feels miles away.

I feel like we could be better than this. We've been together for almost 30 years. We have it all. Why are we so distant? I can count on one hand the times we've had some passionate episodes and they were mind blowing. I can't believe those days are behind us. She gets me going every single time. What's stopping us?

I (40HLM) told her (40LLF) it was over earlier today.

We have been together a little over ten years, and have been in a DB for a long time now. Ican't remember the last time we did anything other than had 'duty sex'.

I told her a few weeks ago that I was done, that I didn't want to have sex anymore, and that the idea of a normal sex life was gone. I had shut down to protect my mental health and our marriage. There was no way I could carry on with the way things were anymore. She convinced me that we should make another attempt, and that she wanted to make a fresh start. I told her that should things not work out, if i got one more broken promise, I would be done, our relationship would be over and that I would leave. I don't have the mental strength to cope with feeling rejected and worthless all the time. This morning I tried to initiate, and she stopped me, but said we would go to bed at lunchtime when she had her break. Lunchtime came and went, nothing happened. When I got upset she told me she didn't know what she'd done wrong, and that she deserved an explanation. Not knowing is also a major issue. I haven't spoken to her since.

I'm not sure I handled things correctly, but I have been totally honest and open up until now. I'm done, I'm sick of it all. I'm going to be sleeping in the spare room until I can afford a flight home.

Tl;dr after a slow downhill trend, with some mixed messages, my wife let me know she’s just not interested in sex anymore, and I’m having difficulty with this and the general loveless state it feels like she’s entered.

Usual story, sex life was pretty active for years, we had a kid, it became less which was expected, but we still managed once in a while. Covid hit and we went on opposite schedules so I could watch our kid in the day, her in the evening. Still had weekends together, but not much time alone. No relatives close by to regularly ask to babysit, so we haven’t had much time to go out just the two of us. Because I was working late I started also staying up too late, had a hard time going to sleep right after work, never felt tired at night, but definitely felt it in the mornings. Got stupid, forgetful, and clumsy, I’m sure that didn’t make me any more attractive. Eventually got back on a regular schedule, but around that time our kid started asking my wife to sleep in the bed with him. Warned her he’d just keep asking if she did it, and lo and behold she’s still doing it, the few hours we could actually spend together with just us, not just for sexy times, but to spend any time just the two of us, weren’t getting used for that. Over time I suspected this was an avoidance tactic as much as just wanting to be there for our son while he wants his mom’s attention. Then became a game of guess the right time to bring up sex, and often even when things seemed like there was no issue, I’d still get told she was too tired or ate too much or was gassy, or it would seem like she’s suddenly angry at me for something. She claimed she was usually too tired, yet if someone who she didn’t even like at her office asked her to bake them a fancy cake (one of her hobbies), she’d stay up until the wee hours trying to get it done right. Became lucky if sex happened quarterly. She almost never initiated before but it became never, and later I noticed it wasn’t just sex, never a hug, kiss or touch. While I was noticing some of these changes, I kept trying to keep things affectionate, I continued doing those things, and randomly bought her flowers, told her she was pretty, not expecting anything because of it, but these are the things someone still in love with their wife does to try to make them feel special and appreciated. She seemed appreciate it even if she didn’t do it back. Then one day gave some butterfly kisses on back of her neck and was angrily told to stop. I think that’s when i started thinking something was really wrong. Still one time I texted her “Shenanigans?” from two feet away and she was happily down with it, last New Years she actually initiated, and leading up to her best friend’s wedding and while there, she made it clear out-of-town-hotel sex was happening (though very unfortunately, I wound up with stomach issues by evening, not a common thing causing interference, just bad timing). Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, I try to initiate on Friday, she wasn’t down for some reason I forget, the excuses have become something I stopped paying attention to, but then she hints tomorrow we can make it work. So we do have sex, orgasms all around, after which she tells me she pretty much doesn’t want sex anymore. We’re in our early 40s and she “feels old” and like people our age shouldn’t feel the need. I tell here I do, pretty much every day, though I don’t expect that kind of frequency. Then she tells me it’s not like she’s getting it elsewhere (I believe her), so thinks there’s no reason it should be an issue.

It is an issue. I don’t know about you all, but I kinda thought we’d be at it pretty much until we can’t, or another 20 years at least. It isn’t the most important part but that conversation feels like a breaking point, like we absolutely need counseling to see if we can make the marriage work, because it’s clear the love that was there just isn’t on her end anymore, but even suggesting it feels like I’m trying to get a stranger to help me convince her to have sex, and if it takes convincing, I absolutely don’t want it, yet the urge remains.

Essentially all I want is something in the neighborhood of our relationship in the first three years with her, yes preferably with sex but all around with someone who acts like she loves me. Right now I just feel convenient to have around the house and financially.

Anyone who’s about to tell me to help around the house so that she’ll have energy and not feel like she’s doing everything, I’ve been doing that. Between that and trying to make her feel wooed regularly, I feel like the lack affection of any kind on her initiative is something that needs to be talked about. But honestly it’s already come up. She said she’d try, which sounds like a chore not something someone who just needed a reminder would say.

Feels like walking by a cliff, and one misstep means the end.

I honestly wish my wife was into lingerie...I just want to see some...

I have been married for 15 years. My wife has zero desire. Maybe it’s me but I have no clue. I guess it’s better for kids to just it be. Hopefully one day it’s better.

I’m only 32 and my dead bedroom of over 6 years has destroyed me. Not only has my confidence shrunk, I feel alone. More alone than if I was actually living life alone. I know I’m not hideous, I’m not a 10 but a solid 6. I’m tired of the excuses he makes, I’m extremely tired of being sad and the toll this takes on my mental health. I feel like I’m going to go crazy if I have to sleep alone and wake up alone for any longer. I’ve talked, begged, used actions until I have nothing more left.

Yes, I know I can leave. I’m saving but even with working a full time job and a part time one, it takes time. I wish money really did grow on trees for instances like these.

To make a long story short, me and my girlfriend (both 20s) were having sex multiple times a week, I got her pregnant, sex continued until baby was born then proceeded to shorten down to about once a month, which I get with her being postpartum and everything, then flash forward and baby is over a year old and during casual conversation she told me she's asexual? I feel like this would have been something to tell me before, during, or shortly after pregnancy? I asked her in text what exactly that meant to her, and she never replied/ignored it. Our sexual relationship is almost completely dead now. She let's me try to have sex with her once every few months, but it causes her pain after a while, so we cut it short. I've offered to just eat her out, but she declines. No more hugs, cuddling, anything she barely even touches me anymore without me initiating it. Now, almost 2 years post partum, and I feel like she hates me and thinks I'm disgusting :(

So this is my second month trying to officially log and keep track of my LL partner, and we had sex today! 1 month and 10 days from the last time. I think this might be his rhythm of horniness, or could be dutysex if he's feeling pressure?

I did ask for him to come over because i miss him and wanted to just cuddle and feel affection and since he's been out of town for a week.

he essentially came over to have sex, which is a step in the right direction but i wonder if he felt like obligated because its been a while..

I no longer expect sex from him so it through me off when he initiated.. I felt so awkward and dumb. So inexperienced! I'm so bad at what i do because of the lack of practice and I've never had anyone but him.. I kind of wanted to stop or reset but it'd kill the mood, i felt so off.. I don't know how to kiss right, i dont know how to move my body sexually.. I felt embarrassed during sex. And as soon as it was over he was gone. Dont get me wrong i enjoyed what we did but my apatite is still there.

I told myself to stay strong! That if he wanted to have sex i should refuse penetration and only give bjs but he initiated which im happy about but i couldn't get myself to refuse, i was so hungry.

I just don't want to feel sexual pleasure anymore. I want to forget what it feels like so there's nothing to miss or yearn for.

I'm glad we had sex so i can keep track but im also sad that I'm inexperienced and am not helping our sex life. I feel bad for him.

Sorry if I repeat myself. Knowing redit needs its it's details, I tried to include all I could think of. Posted a while ago in another sub, and pulled it same day thinking she might see it. Now I don't care.

TLDR: I'm bored, my wife won't put in any effort in life and I've stopped all sexual activities, references and jokes. At this point its more fun to masturbate alone in the closet and imagine someone else.

How do you deal with a partner that talks and jokes dirty ALL the time like she's a willing expert/subject, but won't do anything about it?

We're in our low 40s, together for 12 years, not married, 3 kids. I (M42), have a VERY high sex drive and still get teenager hard, she (F43) does not. Which is ok, i dont NEED it ALL the time, but i would like to explore and have some fun, and get busy at least a few times a week. I like to try new things and switch it up, I also love to please, repeatedly, at lenth when possible. I'm adhd, horny as hell pretty much all the time, super passionate and have an endless supply of energy. So I like to mess around and have all kinds of fun.

For literal years now I have tried to get her to do something, anything, but she doesn't even have any fantasies. I can't even get her to hold a cheek so I can see because I love to see everything and she knows it. She just lays there and takes it or bounces cowgirl on me. Never mind fantasies, she doesn't even masturbate (once in a blue moon mayyyyybe). While I'll still do it 3 or 4 times a week while we're having sex 3 or 4 times a week at least (I'm always ready to go, I'll find the time lol).

Now, years later, I feel like her initial open mindedness was a rouse just to snag me. In the beginning it seemed like our sexual energy matched and she was open to new things, but it diminished pretty quickly to "i like the idea but i wont ever do it" basically. I've tried literally everything from being the most supportive spouse possible to getting mildly frustrated including suggesting HRT and counciling. (several times with no action taken) I don't get mad because I see no point, I encourage open and safe communication with no judgment. I'm the weird one so nothing will surprise me and I want her to feel like she can open up.

I have shown her lots of new things along the way and proven/gotten her to admit, that she does, or will like, a lot of these new things. Yet even with plenty of encouragement and her own admittance she'll never request or attempt anything. I have bought well over $1000+ in toys for BOTH of us to spice things up (I like them too and some are user specific), but she doesnt touch them, not even if were together, and I've definitely expressed my liking for some of them. We've talked about porn, she doesn't watch it at all and I only once in a blue moon when i want it for release. And nothing production for me. I'm an average but fit body amature so i watch amature because i can relate, and I dont need barbie pro naked. Honestly I would rather make our own porn for when I do i want it.

I've offered many suggestions and she will acknowledge them and let me do, or let me make her do things, but will never act on them herself, ever. I've told her many many many times, what i like, and want to try, and basically given her a very clear instructional blueprint on what I enjoy, want to see more of, and how to please me, but it never changes. Her way of calling me for sex is yelling down the hall "im getting naked" from her ugly moomoo pajamas and her blanket coffin. Like thats enough to get me going, even though I've been directly telling her what actually works. I just don't respond anymore.

I can count on both hands in a dozen years now, the amount of things shes done "extra" for me in the bedroom like lingerie or even just waiting naked for me. Even knowing exactly what i like/want she doesn't attempt any of it. She doesn't go the extra mile to do the things I like, only if I physically make her, and yet I go the extra mile just for the pleasure I get from pleasing!! I've taken her in every room in the house, outside, in public, in a park, under a bridge, in every vehicle we've owned, ill do it anywhere! But she just wants to be in bed, in one position.

It also feels very rushed and she wants me to "finish" within 10 minutes or less every time. Not sure what you freaks consider acceptable for length of time but i like to get into it, and like to keep going! Don't get me wrong, I like a quickie here and there too, but I want to get so passionately into it i can, and will go, for hours. It just seems like cowgirl, missionary, and being in and out like a bank robbery, is good enough for her. Everything else is either weird taboo or not worth the effort. She's even admitted she'd be fine without anything more than missionary. She also says she wants to do it all the time but even with my enthusiasm, willingness, encouragement and never saying no, she has fears of rejection from the past apparently and doesnt act on urges at all.

I have suggested hormone replacement therapy (HRT) because it seems like she has no libido and it takes a fuckin earthquake to get her motor going and really get into it. Also suggested counciling if its about opening up, but she says she's fine with opening up to me, but never actually does because I'm pretty sure she just has nothing to open up about at this point.

Now were down to a couple times a month at best (its been 3 weeks now since the last time) because at this point I don't want to initiate, or do anything at all really. I don't get anything near the kind of treatment that I put fourth returned so why bother. Every once in a while I have to let the frustration out and just do what ever I want to her. She will let me, and enjoy it, but its not exactly enjoyable for me when it just feels like im raping an effortless sex doll to get it out of my system, rather than for the passion of it, with my wife. Honestly I kinda feel dirty after I do that to her. I would feel different about it if it was a mutual agreement and things go both ways. But no, it's just me taking control 100% with no choice and no action from her.

She's also got anxiety/depression, which she is medicated for and has semi under control but its a constant internal battle for her. (And me) I try to help her avoid the pit of darkness all the time (which is nearly a full time job in itself) But I'm starting to think she wants the pit of dispare more than me. The depression is stronger than ever and she just wont attempt anything anymore, for herself or for us, not even if its crumbling apart. Even with me opening up 100% with her and offering full support and open ears and cry shoulder at the ready. I've even been trying for our entire relationship to get her just to do things for herself like hobbies that she tells me she likes or use to do. Still nothing.... I've come to figure out now I can't help her anymore and I've stopped.

She also says she doesn't care about her lumps and bumps, and neither do I, but I know deep down she actually does, (she makes comments, I'm not retarded) shes just won't do anything about it. Instead she blames her thyroid and says the belly just wont go away. And to me complaining about something and never doing anything about it, is a very unattractive quality. It just tells me you don't want to put the effort in, and she know how much I like it when the effort is put in for anything. It shows you're not afraid to do things and actually try.

I encourage her very much to be naked and free with me so she knows she can and that I want her to feel beautiful and free. She's not super big by any account either, she's a little thick, and that's perfect, I prefer it, thick thighs save lives lol. But no, always the same pajamas, always in bed, always covered, never free.

I don't voice anything sexual or even joke about it anymore because I just don't want to be disappointed anymore, and she knows this, it's come up, and has been said before. I do not hold back with what needs to be said, but I am at least careful in how it's said so as to not hurt feelings and discourage opening up. And every time it gets brought up, I find out that she hasn't looked into anything or put in any effort in to work on anything.

Shes attached at the fingertip to her phone all the time and could look anything up, but its just memes and games. This is another issue thats been confronted a few times because i have no use in my life for stupid internt shit, it just dumbs you down if thats all you do. I want good conversation with actual content and hopefully something for me to learn, we use to have that in the beginning. But it eventually just goes back to "normal" and she's back to memes and mindless match games.

I'm at my wits end here and not sure what to do anymore. I feel like I'm evolving and she's being left behind and this isn't just sexually. I'm also working out now, not that i was unfit but now I'm getting ripped. I've change my looks 100% and have a very old-school classic, yet modern casual look. I get compliments on it all the time, from both men and women. My confidence is at an all time high and so is my success as a small business owner after struggling for years.

I love her dearly and I don't want to leave her. We have a beautiful family and home life and are very compatible in our every day lives. But were turning into roomates and it just would be nice to see her take care of herself. And to be smashed back with the some enthusiasm and effort. I miss the fun and passion.

I'm not sure what to ask here I mostly just wanted to vent. But what's your thoughts? Is there any suggestions that might help? Should I stay? Go? I've even contemplated asking for a second wife. I thought maybe if I just suggested it she'd think what am I doing wrong that you'd want a second wife. Although I know that even if she went for it, it would probably end us eventually with her likely being left in the dust if she stays like this. I dont want to leave her but it's feeling more and more like divorce is on the horizon sadly.

So I 38M haven't shared my story here yet but I'll say it's nothing you haven't heard before. In fact I've read other stories on here that I can probably copy word for word and it sums up my exact situation.

But as I come up to 8 months since our last time, putting us on track to be lower than our usual 3-4 times a year.. I'm more and more tempted to just finally say:

If you don't want it then that's totally fine, at least let me look elsewhere for it. That elsewhere could be anything. At this point even a happy ending massage would a dream.

Has anyone ever asked this before and how did it go?

For more detail I don't want to leave as we have two young kids. Overall we rarely argue, have a great marriage and a happy family. It's just she has absolutely zero desire or urge for anything physical. Even when we do something, it's like she's forcing herself to make me happy

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for a little over two years. He and I would have sex about four times a day in the first few months. After those few months, things went downhill. His dad was diagnosed with leukemia – fortunately, his dad has now been in remission for over a year and a half. But, during the time of his dad's sickness, he had told me he didn't know if he loved me, would avoid seeing me, went out with another woman. I should have left him alone, but I wanted to show him that I cared for him. I could only imagine how hard it was to watch someone you idolize be sick. A mistake, looking back on it now. But, I made that choice.

He hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend until last summer, a year and a half after we began seeing each other exclusively. Another mistake – sticking around that long without a title. There have been many tears and arguments regarding that fact.

Now, we have been having less sex. He blames it on back pain from work (blue-collar). However, he takes no initiative to see a doctor or stretch – anything that may relieve this pain. He simply tells me his back hurts and that "he isn't interested." This has been going on for months. I would never force him to, so that is final. Most days, we lay in bed all day (literally) so he can play computer games. I lay there too, because I want to spend time with him. But, I miss being intimate with him – it’s the only time I feel close to him.

He is not the type of man to call me pretty, take me to dinner, hold me, bring me flowers, or respond to my messages until hours later when he is available to do so earlier. When we first met, he seemingly was obsessed with me as I was with him. Maybe I'm holding onto something that no longer exists. It's hard – grieving someone who is still alive.

It's not just the sex I miss. It's the intimacy. The knowing that someone craves me as much as I crave them. His lack of interest in a solution makes me feel that he doesn’t miss intimacy. I'm not sure what do.

Any advice is appreciated.

After 4 long and touch less years, me and my wife finally had sex again. I brought up the subject a week or 2 ago saying that our lack of intimacy has made me very sad and it’s given me a deep depression. We agreed to try and get back to it.

Sure my wife had to drink an entire bottle of wine beforehand, but I’ll take whatever I can get.

It’s the small wins.

Just had to get this off my chest. She's finally seeing a specialist and getting it all looked at an taken care of. I'm very happy with that, for her, for us, all of it.

But... I (34HLM) think I've developed a new kink in this DB journey. I started reading literorica after my wife fantasized about having another woman join us and her watching me... she fantasized about this over a year ago, before our DB... well, now it's the only thing that turns me on!

I mean we barely ever have sex... and now I fantasize about other women while she watches us, and I feel kind of guilty for even having thoughts about other women. It's nobody in particular, just the thought of it...

Anyways, had to let it our somewhere..

We try and try and try... And nothing changes.

So, if money or kids aren't the issue,why do you stay?

Who else is on the masturbate to (attempt to) kill the urges for sexual connection train?

As the title says, I’m vacillating back and forth between what I want to do. My life in total is pretty great. My relationship with my wife of 25 years is dull, lacks intimacy, sex, and romance as well as other things, but I put up a pretty great front most of the time. Therefore, I can’t decide if I should just keep hiding my real desires since everyone else (her, kids) seem to be happy.

If I distract myself with work, kids, hobbies, friends, and exercise, I can cope most days. And I honestly don’t know if most men (or women) feel this way in similar situations and it’s only those of us who acknowledge something is wrong (and who think there is something better) that suffer. Maybe if I didn’t have the capacity to believe there was something more out there, it wouldn’t be so painful.

I’m absolutely broken. I have fought with this man about the complete lack of intimacy outside of the bedroom and once a week completely disconnected sex for about 3 years.

Today he finally told me that the affection and effort he put in at the beginning of our relationship 8 years ago will never happen again because we are older and more mature. I’m absolutely fighting back tears. Because I don’t think this is going to last for us. He told me he loves me way more now than he did back then, but at 32 and 37 we are just too old for real physical intimacy.

1-3x a week. Pre-ring, 5yrs of dating, couldn’t get enough of each other. Endless exploring in the bedroom and risqué adventures outside were the norm. 1-3x a week. Literally breaking bed frames at times. It was part of the life I thought would stick and complement everything else we had going on. Physicality aside she felt like the complete package for me. So naturally we took the leap.

Year 1. 1-3x month. Newly married and starting of her new career post grad, physicality just tapered off drastically claiming it was stress from her new career (medical professional) and she wanted to concentrate on getting good at what she did. I respected and loved her of course so I was supportive. I had my career too and I would just spend time in the gym to be ready for the next whim’s notice.

3 years in. 1x month*. Well that was far and few. It actually just *blipped higher in scheduled procreation attempts resulting in our precious first born. But then frequency got even worse with child and work now here. Note I was fully supportive and contributive in raising our child. Not a deadbeat unattractive freeloader like I read about around here. Full-in being a loving husband and coparent was a priority. Even joking that it maybe gave me extra points in the hot factor and maybe it’d help when window would present itself again. I was dead wrong.

5 years in. 1-2x a quarter. I expressed my concerns that the pillar of our relationship was failing. We both agreed to see a sex counselor given she was receptive of professional counseling. Well she seemed to have no interest in it. Didn’t do the partner exercises and reading. Just wasn’t supportive and even stated that “sex didn’t interest her as much and she felt that she was fine without it” and inferred it was only my interest. I was saddened but still hopeful.

7 years in. For procreation only. But at this point, I don’t see our bedroom coming back to life since we sleep in different rooms for our kids. It’s almost a relief since I no longer have the bed angst. I feel that I need to accept what we had pre-ring was best it will ever be. I love her and our kids but feel I like I was duped. And because of it I feel like this should be in AITAH for wanting more of pre-ring times and even contemplating going outside it.

I may have asked a question but seems it turned into a rant. Thanks for reading.

Same-sex female couple. Married for 5 years, with children (together, not from previous relationships).

Working professionals. Good careers. Both earn a good living. We have a nice house. Take trips. Have fun as a family. Everything OUTWARDLY looks ideal. Picture perfect, really.

Our bedroom has been dying a slow death since the NRE died off. I always chalked it up to pregnancy, child birthing trauma we experienced, the baby stage, then the toddler stage, etc.

7 or so months ago I had been rubbing her back/bum and she started to lean into my hand, closed her eyes and I went for it. She let me please her with my fingers that night and then went to bed.

Prior to that, we hadn’t had sex in 6 or so months, and have not had sex since the above scenario.

She has disclosed all of her previous relationships ended with a DB.

I’ve read the book Come as you Are. I’ve listened to a dozen podcasts. I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve continued to work on myself. I’ve continued to be a good partner, a good mother (that would never change!). I’m present. I’m going through life each day with my families best interests in mind and have never wavered.

I brought up how long it’s been today, and she said “ohh really? I thought it was even longer than that actually!” With a smile on her face. It’s as if we were talking about the last time we dined at a certain restaurant, or the last time we heard a specific song. The tone was so nonchalant. Not a single care or concern for my feelings.

The above is how every single conversation goes when I try to discuss this.

Yet I’m supposed to believe she loves me, and wants to grow old with me? Which is what she ends this discussions with each time.

I’ve laid it all out multiple times. How hurt I am. How unloved she makes me feel. How heartbroken I am. How much this issue absolutely shatters my entire being.

I love this woman and I’ve also never felt so alone in my life.

I am so insecure because of it all and end up begging her to admit she loves me, but isn’t in love with me, which she denies.

Still nothing. No effort. No change.

What am I supposed to do?

I, 36(m)/36f we’ve been together most of our lives. I’ve posted here before. Since posting I think we’ve had sex maybe 3 times. I decided I would try to step up my “game”. We have 3 kids at home. She’s always exhausted. I get it. I’m slowly accepting the fact that she doesn’t have time nor want to make time for me. I just keep hoping that when the kids get older there is still something left. Anyway. I’ve always been a very complimentary person. However, recently I’ve been really pouring it on. Not excessive but you get it. Random texts about how awesome she is, beautiful, sexy, great……. Not only in text, but also when we’re together. I mean every one of them. Truly. It just seems that everything goes in one ear and out the other. Like no matter what I do she wants nothing to do with me. I recently started a new job so I’m home every night. Sometimes longer days than others, but still home. Which means I’m able to help out more at home with chores and kids. Still, it seems my efforts go unnoticed. Anyone else experiencing this? Any tips? I’m definitely not ready nor will I ever be ready to give up. I’ll try up to my last dying breath. She’s my everything. I just wish some sort of affection was reciprocated.

Quick mini-success story for spouse with vaginismus.

Background: My wife and I are in our early 30’s married for 6 years. Basically been averaging sex like 3-4 times a year. She was a virgin when marrying and turns out sex was painful for her to the point she lost basically all sex drive. Before marriage we would make out and dry hump/HJ nonstop so it was a ton of fun even without intercourse. She has used dilators and gone to some therapy but I dont think it’s improved her experience much.

Ever since we got married and discovering she had vaginismus, she has refused most physical touch like hugs, kisses and advances are turned away. Like I said, sex drive to zero. In the rare event we did have sex she would always be wincing and saying how it was hurting to the point I wasn’t enjoying it at all because who wants to be hurting their wife like this during sex.

Fast Forward: Up to this point, we really have only ever (rarely) done oral and VERY slow thrusting missionary because she is always stiff as a board worried it’s going to hurt. A couple weeks ago we decided maybe we will try doggy to see if it’s any better of a sensation for her. Turns out just changing the position made it a lot better for her and “not that bad” she says.

Today: She was very unusually turned on today which I reciprocated the feelings. After foreplay she immediately turned around wanting doggy. This turned me on like crazy and I started extremely slow but she kept wanting me to go faster and harder. Easily the best sex we have had in 6 years. First time I have ever seen her moan like that and she said she really enjoyed it.

Hopefully we are turning a corner. Fingers crossed. Maybe just trying a new position can make it more comfortable for your spouse.

I've (33m HL) had a intimacy-less relationship for most of my 15 year marriage. In that time I've felt unwanted, unloved and rejected. Not only that, but I've felt guilty for wanting to have an intimate relationship with my wife. In all that time, I've just accepted that its something you put up with.

Its not until my therapist told me that its not wrong to want to have your psychological needs met by someone you love. I've never reflected on it before, and now that I am, I feel like I am a bit shell shocked. I feel I've just been expected to put up with that empty lonely feeling because marriage is about hard work and sacrifice, and when having kids its important to put their needs in front of your own.

I love my kids more than anything, and all I've ever wanted, all I've ever worked for is to have the safety and love of a happy family. But I've realised that my wife has never considered intimacy as part of that picture, and I've had to accept that if I want to stay married.

I've got no friends or family who have ever pointed out to me explicitly or implicitly that there was anything wrong with that, I've just suffered in silence and ignorance. Its not until my therapist last week told me its ok to feel rejected, humiliated and lonely in a marriage where the wife doesn't consider your emotional and intimate needs.

Anyway, just wondering if that relates to anyones experience.