I 33F grew up in a hoarder home, and in 2009 a bunch of things were happening simultaneously; I was graduating HS/preparing to move out for college, my mom got sick and had to be in the hospital for several months (and she would eventually pass away, dad is thankfully still alive); and we had to sell the house and move out of my childhood home.

Following my graduation we had about a week to pack up the whole two-story house and prepare to downsize into a one-bedroom apartment. I knew we were going to have to leave things behind; simply between the scale of the hoarding, the lack of time to go through the stuff to properly pack, and of course since we were poor we didn't have the ability to hire help either. Everything was so intense and in the moment that my dad and I tried our best to go through what we wanted to keep. What should have been a fun week celebrating the end of high school was frantic and stressful sorting through items, tossing things in garbage bags, and trying to figure out how to manage it all. We packed what we could into a U-Haul truck, made two trips, piled everything into his bedroom (I'd be on the couch until August when I was moving out of state for college) and moved out. We left an incredible amount of stuff behind, and the new owner didn't have an issue with it since he was doing a gut job on the house anyway.

We moved a few times since, and have continued to downsize the hoarding until last year, when I was finally able to get my dad's support AND could financially afford to hire a professional to help us. Now we have a generally clean house, I can see the floors, no boxes piled up except a couple of storage bins in the closet. It took a long time to get here and now as an adult I've begun to sort through the pain associated with growing up in a hoarder house.

It honestly wasn't until several years later that I realized that in our 2009 move, I actually left behind two sentimental items - my box of pokemon cards from when I was a kid, and a school days scrapbook that had my school pictures, report cards, certificates, notes my mom made about my childhood, etc. Obviously the book hurts so much more, but tonight I ended up finding a video on youtube of someone opening up "vintage" packs of pokemon cards and seeing the packs and cards from my childhood and knowing I left it behind unlocked something in me and I've been crying for the past half hour.

I miss those memories and the small joys and comforts I had that I associated with those cards. I feel so bad and angry with myself that I could be so careless as to not take something as irreplaceable as that scrapbook. The hoarding took so much from my childhood and even now that the piles are gone its still taking things from me. I still struggle with accumulating too much stuff and continue to work on downsizing, organizing, and working on stopping wasteful purchases and spending. I struggle with missing my childhood home because that's still my childhood home, despite how miserable and ashamed I felt to grow up in such a mess. I love my dad and miss my mom and I'm still angry at my parents for not being able to get their shit together so I didn't have to grow up like that.

does anyone have any advice, can relate, etc? I am absolutely going to talk to my therapist about this later today, but it's always nice to hear from people who can relate.

tldr: misplaced sentimental items while trying to move out of childhood hoarder home, didn't realize it till years later and still struggling with guilt/shame of growing up in hoarder house

I’m planning on having a professional hoarding specialist come to my home from a town 5 hours away. I’ve brought it up to my mother that he’s coming and she’s already flipping out and threatening to call the police on him when he gets here. She is the owner of the house but is no longer rational and does not want it repaired, organized or cleaned and we are very close to having the home condemned.

I’m planning on reaching out to my county social services to ask for their support with this. I’m hoping that we can get everyone on the same page and make a plan for dealing with my mother’s likely overreaction.

In your experience, will the police help? Or will they tell the professional to leave even though he’s my guest?

Other option is to put her up in a fancy hotel for a few nights and surprise her when she returns… but that seems even more traumatic maybe. Help!

My mom’s childhood friend and her husband will stay in this room for one night before they embark on a camping trip. I hope this is a wake up call for my mom. Maybe she’ll see the severity of her hoarding problem.

I recently talked about my animal hoarding mom on here and I got great advice which I really appreciate, but now I have another problem that I genuinely feel so ashamed about. I was in class today and one of the girls pulled me aside away from everyone else to tell me the class is bothered by this "animal" smell that they know comes from me since they're aware I have dozens of cats. She was really nice about it and she definitely wasn't trying to make fun of me. Im assuming they talked about it to discuss what they were going to say but all she told me is that it's noticeable and she was hoping I could do something about it. Again Im glad she let me know but I can't help feel embarrassed. Im sure at least one of them judged me or thinks I don't have good hygiene which isn't the case at all.I know I shouldn't feel bad as it's not my fault and the girl was trying to help but I feel worse than Ive ever felt. I have no idea how long they've noticed a bad smell and I wish they told me sooner because I genuinely had no idea. I cant really talk about this with anyone else because I can't imagine how embarrassed I would feel and my mom doesn't think its that big of a deal as it actually is. I would greatly appreciate some tips on how to keep my clothes clean and free of the ammonia smell.

My dad 77M has prostate cancer & is about to start radiation treatment. We have been seeing a social worker at the VA (he was exposed to Agent Orange in Vietnam) to help facilitate all the help he can get. I'm his only child & my mom is in a nursing home so I'm relentlessly trying to do whatever is in his best interest but he's not willing to take my suggestions. His home is in need of lots of repairs, is cluttered from wall to wall with some pathways & the only bathroom is on the second floor. I've gotten him to tour independent living options for while he undergoes treatment/recovery & got him all this disability money help with that & to fix up his house but he says he's fine with the way things are & doesn't like change. Besides the cancer, he has not addressed other medical issues for years, probably decades & he is in poor shape but I'm also getting appts set up for all that. Today the social worker said she will be giving my dad cognitive tests next visit because he shows signs of confusion & memory loss. If he fails this test, she will have to report him to APS due to being a vulnerable adult of self neglect more or less. I dislike the government getting involved & want to avoid it if possible. How do I convince him to let me help him? He has an appointment with an estate planning attorney but won't let me go. I think I need to go so I can tell them the severity of things. If APS gets involved, will they take charge of his finances/assets? What does getting APS getting involved consist of? Will they actually help more than cause more harm or troubles?

Rambling vent. As the title says. I live in California and my Mom (74) in Montana. My brother's n I have known for a long time that my mom is a hoarder. Not a severe one but close. She has had liver tumors for 2 years and her health is rapidly declining. I'm visiting right now and taking care of her. She is super weak, slow and fragile. Her stomach and feet are swollen, constantly forgetful, she spends a long time on the toilet in pain trying to poop, she can't lift/carry anything heavier than 5 lbs I think. I've been washing a lot of dishes. She is into canning, making tinctures, and all that hippie sort of stuff which I think is cool but it also involves a lot of stuff. Multiples of the same thing. She literally has boxes outside the house just piled onto of each other, a storage unit. Even when she was healthy and active she still had piles of stuff she always said she'd get to and organize. I guess I'm stressed about all of her stuff when she passes, separating actual family items versus just stuff she's bought over the years. I mean, some are obvious but others are antiques she has gathered through her life. Has anyone had any parents that were hoarders and realizing death was around the corner? Did they become more strong on keeping their stuff? I want to suggest to my mom about donating or pawn shop/second hand store some stuff. She has a lot of vintage stuff. A loooot of silverware that I feel she can at least maybe get some money for while she's alive to get something she might enjoy. Idk I'm stressed and I have my own financial issues that I'm worried about that need to be solved before the end of the month. Luckily my husband is home to take care of that and watch our dogs.

Hey guys, I'm in need of some serious help and I'm stumped on what to do.

My father, a hoarder, recently passed away and I'm unsure how to go about cleaning up all his stuff. I still live with my mother and brother and we've been tackling the hoard as best we could but not getting any tremendous breakthroughs.

We live on the top floor of an apartment building and we all are returning to full time jobs. With the size of the hoard (size of a master bedroom) I don't think we'd be able to afford movers. What can we do? It's taking a toll on all of us and it feels as if we can't properly mourn because it's immediately replaced with frustration working on the hoard or exhaustion.

y'all one of my 4 siblings suddenly moved back in after some flooding in their college town, and they're already reenacting our parents behavior. Not cleaning, leaving food scraps in the common areas, screaming when I offer to launder their clothes or linens FOR THEM on a schedule.Doing that thing of rebranding me as a control freak for asking that routine chores happen every week. I worked really hard to get over our childhood and keep house like a common family. I am not at all some kind of OCD neat freak, all of my chore schedules are pretty common checklists you'd see in blogs or magazines.

This is not working, this is the angriest I've been in a decade. My family is telling ME to move and give up my home to this slob. I want to turn my phone of and never speak to any of them.

I am not interested in reliving our parent's mental health crap.

Hey everyone, tad emotional right now. Had to go do emergency house repair at my mom's place. Rat droppings everywhere. Had to unload cabinets jam packed and she said "well maybe I could get rid of one or two things per cabinet." Each cabinet probably has 200lbs of stuff. She just doesn't see any of it. It's like selective blindness. Aghhhh

Ever buy random shit for you? I’m talking about clothes they know aren’t anything you would ever wear, but will pick them up from any charity/thrift place as soon as they spot a “deal,” I’m thinking about books and CDs you won’t ever use, craft stuff, key rings, plushies, bags, shoes etc etc. It seems to me that they pick these things up whenever they spot deals from second hand sellers. I find myself not using anything they have given me these past years, with it all being added to piles I need to give away/sell.

And I feel SO bad for expressing my annoyance because they seem offended when I tell them “I don’t like this thing,” or “I won’t ever use it,” but I know it comes from the fact that they hoard, passing their traits onto anything else they can.

Like, no I do not want the second hand pyjamas that are worn out and have small holes in it. No I do not want any of it.

I even told my parents to ask me before they buy something if they feel like I’d want it, but even then that’s not good enough because they like to buy things for me without feeling the need to ask me about it. It makes me feel like such an ungrateful child but this is how they rationalise their own hoarding in their mind!!!, I also just cannot fathom having so many belongings for myself. It feels awful having to get rid of things just recently purchased for me. It all gets too overwhelming

Edit: your comments are all so relatable😭, True story, but I started getting into the beatles around a year and a half ago, and I was a little obsessed. they were solely what I would listen to and my family knew it. Anyway, fast forward to Christmas and every. single. gift. was related to the band. I’m grateful they took my interests into consideration and found things accordingly, but everything felt (and smelled!!!) second hand. I got at least 15 cd’s, and even though I already had one, they got me a huge, old CD player that was made in at least 2009 and probably bought from Ebay, many books (I rarely read) and a DVD of a documentary. I admit it would have been interesting, however I do not have a dvd player and could easily have just found it online.

I haven’t used any of this since I got it and I feel awful about it, but when I say my parents are hoarders THIS is what I mean.

I 31F have grandmother 77F who is a hoarder/animal hoarder.

My grandma has been a hoarder all of my life. It started when I was young. At first it wasn't that bad. It was obvious that she was a hoarder, but it wasn't out of control. Until somebody put her on Facebook. From that point on she found all the local free and for sale pages. That is when her hoarding became out of control. Her house now has a walkway just big enough to fit through. Boxes and junk stacked to the ceiling; you can't even get up the stairs any longer. The last time I was upstairs, you couldn't move out of a small section of hallway. When I was in my early 20's I moved in with my grandma, I would haul stuff away during the night when she wasn't home. She never noticed because she had so much stuff. I didn't stay but two years, I just couldn't live like that any longer.

Fast forward to present day, my grandma has become an animal hoarder. She met a guy who hoarded birds. The next thing you know, this guy has given my grandma hundreds of birds. She had them all in a room in her house. The excess bird food flying around brought in mice. It was mice running through the house. Everywhere you looked was mice. We managed to get help and got rid of both the birds and mice. Then she went through a phased with lizards and turtles. She got those from the same guy who had the birds. Once she realized nobody in her family wanted to mess with lizards, she found them a new home. She did the guinea pig thing or tried too. I took those before it escalated. Took a fish tank, that she didn't know how to care for. It was awful, that tank stayed so dirty. Last year, around this time of the year, she met a lady at the dollar store that was a Maine Coon dealer. This lady was a back yard Maine Coon dealer and couldn't get rid of her cats. Guess who was there to take the cats? My grandma took 5 of these cats. She tossed them in her house and just left. She showed up to feed them and that was hit. After a ton of bitching at her, she got rid of them. Her sister took 2, my mom took one and the other two found a different home. Up to today, somebody a few weeks ago gave her 6 kittens. Thankfully they all are spayed/neutered. She took them to her house and tossed them in the kitchen, which has the access to the basement. The cats completely destroyed the kitchen, went into the basement and created a hole that they now cross outside through. It's a complete mess. You can't touch the cats because they're wild. To top it all off, somebody on Facebook was giving away free Shih Tzu puppies. Guess who now has puppies. Puppies that she took into her basement and put them. Puppies that I had to go buy a puppy bed for, food/water bowels for and puppy food. Because she was content with feeding them but not properly taking caring of them. She's never home. She will feed them and leave. That's it. She's not going to bother to clean their messes up, fix the hold outside the house that will put them into danger.

I am so angry right now. I don't know what to do. I can barely sleep at night and feel so sick over these puppies. I don't understand how somebody can be so damn selfish. I'm considering stealing them all and taking them to an animal shelter. I feel so defeated. Nobody has any interest in getting my grandma the help that she needs. It's easier for everyone to ignore her.

I'm just here to vent, because I know somebody has been through something similar. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Only child of a mom that had a lot of mental illnesses growing up. She never let me go into her bedroom really. We were super poor and on section 8 but our apartment did have a basement which was crammed with boxes and bins but I didn’t think anything of it.

Now she’s living in assisted living and i have to clean out her apartment and I’m appalled. It’s a 1 bedroom and it looks normal but everything is secretly filled to the brim. I knew she had some sort of shopping addiction but this was bananas

• clothes: she had at least 80 pairs of pants, all different kinds of conditions. She said it’s “50 years” worth of stuff so that’s normal…easily 200 shirts, 50+ pairs of shoes.

• newspapers and magazines: she had random clippings dating back to the 60s, nothing sorted or in any meaningful order. Lots of random magazines she said she’s saved because they’ll be worth money (like enquirer)

• food in the pantry dating back to 2001. She has moved in 2017 so she’s been saving stuff and not throwing it out. Pantry was overflowing with expired food

• toiletries also heavily expired and from the distant past like pads etc

• cards: hundreds and hundreds of blank greeting cards

• soooo many documents and receipts. Lots of notes she wrote about other people. Obsessive record keeping (saving junk mail in betweeen important docs), envelopes she wrote notes on.

And the list goes on. This was all jam packed into 3 dressers and 15 storage containers in a 1 bedroom.

Now I know this isn’t severe hoarding. My uncle had severe hoarding tendencies (nowhere to walk, dangerous conditions etc) but my mom has always been very tidy and clean so I was astounded to see the amount of things I must’ve been living amongst as a kid.

She always told me the storage bins that were all in our basement were just my toys from childhood but she dropped those off at my house years ago and still had 20+ bins in a small space.

Idk sorry just venting as I’m astounded by all this

My father’s funeral was a year ago Friday. I had returned the first week in April 2023 for three days to see him in the hospital and help support him transitioning going on dialysis. I never left, losing the complete contents of my apartment and car in NYC.

Until he died late last October it was a fraught cycle of doing poorly, hopefulness that he was getting better, and the bottom dropping out. I had not been in my childhood home during the entire 21st century. When it looked like he could come home to recuperate in July I carved out the living room and dining room that had never been used since moving in in 1970 and contained, chest level and down, the worst of the hoard.

My mother survived the first year after his death. I had pushed what remained of the hoard into the recreation room. She continues to decline and I now need to make that room an all in one studio type apartment for her since mobility has radically decreased and become more compromised. I been dragging my feet dreading do it since she will be right there in the space as well.

Due to mobility issues and her refusal to leave the house she needed to do a mail in ballot for the election. I keep trying to give her as much autonomy as possible and gave it to her.

Yes, I know that it was a big mistake and I paid dearly for it, let me tell you. When I went to collect it, the outer most envelope with the her official name on it was missing. In its place, (somehow?????) was the unused one from last fall with my father’s name on it, because, of course things like this happen in hoarder houses.

Motherfucker! I have spent about 35 hours this week going through the hoard, container by container, pile by pile looking for the outside mail in envelope for the ballot that has her name label on it.

I worked methodically like a clock around the room. I still hadn’t found it when I got back to the beginning. I was going to have to go through a disgusting garbage bag, and there still was the chance it had gone out in last weeks garbage or recycling.

And then, there was a pile I swore I had gone through before. But then I noticed some of the papers had splashed coffee stains on them, as did some of the other ballot parts she had

given me earlier.

Could it be? And there it was, one of the last pieces of paper at the bottom of the pile!!!

I am literally driving it to the post office in the county seat tomorrow morning. I can’t technically drop it off at the voting office since it isn’t my actual ballot.

Of course we are in Pennsylvania where every fucking vote counts, and if KH would have lost by one vote because I didn’t find it, it would have killed me.

I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted and despite large doses of pseudoephedrine allergy medication having severe reactions in my eyes, nose, throat, chest and lungs. I barely slept last night.

But it’s over, the most fraught election cycle and I end up with a week long hoarder drama to top it of it.

long time lurker, long time poster. here i am again. 22F.

i moved back in after cleaning up my HP house about a year and a half ago. they havent kept it up and its getting bad again (altho not as bad as before).

my mom is on disability for her diverticulitis/osis (she doesnt know which one and i dont either), she doesnt have a job. my dad works a min wage job. i work part time to pay for my own expenses because my parents are and have always been flat broke. i dont think they even have any savings. i have a 17 y/o sister, five cats, one dog.

i am so tired of the fly infestation. i am so tired of hearing my mom complain about it and not doing anything about it (the most she'll do is dishes or hide the litter box which she never changes). im so tired of the fleas.

im so tired of having to worry and take care of my parents for them. im so tired of having to parent my sister. im so tired of all of my money going towards solutions that are never followed by upkeep, never repaid, never appreciated.

as fall is encroaching upon us, the bugs have emigrated inside houses... specifically ours. two of my cats manage to slip past our reach and dilly dally outside, which has now lead to a flea infestation on all cats. the oldest cat, thin and sickly, has started to scratch so incessantly that he's balded half of his body. the youngest has a sore under his chin. the others are itchy, patchy, and suffering. about two weeks ago i paid $50 for a one-time oral flea treatment (and $5+ pill pockets that the cats did not like, but thats the least of my problems), double-dosed the youngest cat (hes the outdoorsman, he was reinfested after his first dose) and the fleas still persist. my mother's solution? lock herself away in her room and banish all cats. good luck everybody else!

we've had a fly problem for years, that my mom blames on one fly that flew out of my lunchbox when i was 16. our roof is rotting, there are holes in the carpet and walls, unsanitary cat litter boxes, and stray animal feces around the house. for years ive begged for my parents to bug-bomb the place. we had a moth problem for a while that caused a moth to fly into my ear and send me to the ER, while my parents acted annoyed as i screamed in terror of a bug living inside my ear. they never fixed the moth problem, i did. a few months later, the third spider i had seen in a day caused me to run away to my former boyfriend's house. he was my getaway. he left me earlier this year and i have no safe space without him. i also lost a best friend who allowed me to use her house as a safe haven when needed.

my parents cite monetary issues for the bug infestations. in reality, its their laziness. excuses they rely on: •too many pets to remove from household for exterminator interferece •exterminator is too expensive •"im the only one who cleans around here" (not true). and of course its my fault for accidentally letting in ONE fly over six years ago. theyve set up a bug zapper indoors and rely on me to hang glue traps that hardly contain the problem.

im so tired of spending my own money and giving my own labor towards this problem while my mom complains. she owns the house. she controls the money. she just lays in bed all day griping about the hoard of flies in the rooms outside of hers.

ive recently considered those defogger cans that only take about two hours, but im exhausted by the idea of having to set up the plan and coaxing my parents into following it. i already know they'll complain about having to leave the house for two hours. i know my mom will gripe about the amount of pets we'd have to temporarily remove from the household. on top of my stressful personal life, piling debts, and taxing job, i cant juggle exterminating two species of bugs for a family that will allow them to crawl right back into the home.

i dont know what to do. ive cleaned my room and sprayed, swatted, and isolated flies. they keep coming back in droves. i feel so uncomfortable. i keep getting sick (preventing me from going to my job. almost got fired for that!). i keep having nightmares. i keep having PTSD from the bug flying into my ear years ago. i cant move out right now. i have no savings. i have an appointment with my therapist soon and luckily ive been able to buy my antidepressants/anti-anxiety. im so tired of harboring anger against my parents. but im also so tired of letting them get away with this. this is a biohazard i think. its stressful. it has ruined my life so many times. its ripped my family from me, and its eaten away at my sanity. big huge sigh!!! biggest sigh ever, actually!!! okay thx for letting me vent.

I'm 27F and moved back into my family home (nana, mum and me at the moment but before it was up to 8 ppl growing up) 1.5 years ago after living abroad for 4 years and before that I lived separately for 2 years. I am moving abroad again in a month so I will get mental rest from this situation but I felt I needed to just vent and share my story.

My family are also hoarders with regular stuff which I kinda get where they're coming from as they grew up in Soviet times. But still, it's super weird to have just rooms designated to and filled with clutter. I recently found a bag of my old baby clothes that are dirty, and have holes and vomit stains on them.... I showed my mum and asked her why she kept them and she said it's memories and not to throw it away.

But now to the fridge situation. Our fridge and big freezer has always been full of stuff ever since I was growing up. Half of it expired. When it's winter we'd sometimes store food at a door entryway which gets cold like a fridge. Pots of food would often get forgotten there and get mouldy. When I moved back I made strict boundaries in the fridge to have my own designated shelf for just MY food. I love to cook and have been a chef for 5 years. Living separate, I had a whole system of keeping certain foods on certain shelves by type and by usage date. Sometimes produce went bad but I'm super against food waste so I do think it was in a small amount.

So at home now. The fridge is still just packed with stuff despite there being 3 of us. Mum has been unemployed for 4 years and goes to these "food give away" assists where volunteers give away to people same-date-food from supermarkets that they'd usually just chuck in the bin otherwise. It is a noble thing to do and heaps people get help from that that are financially struggling, plus less food is wasted over all and you can choose what you want to take. I'm not against that at all. However, the way my mum uses it is she takes literal BAGS full of food and breads and fills the fridge. We usually have around 8-10 loaves of bread in the fridge. I don't eat bread and nana doesn't eat that expired bread as well so most of the times 90% of those loaves just go in the bin anyway after being in the fridge for a month. Half of the stuff, like some meats and dairy and some ready-to-eat-meals have the bump on the package already so they're expired and can't be eaten. At first, I was eating some of the things she brought that I deemed were "fresh" but I got food poisoning from one of the salads last year in August and was vomiting for 2 days and feeling very out of it just lying in bed. That has deterred me from eating any more of those foods. I told her that one of the salads gave me food poisoning and I won't be eating that food anymore and she said "ooh yes have to make sure they're okay to eat before, some of it is okay tho". I do think she felt bad for a while as she cleaned out the fridge of most of the old foods after that... only to be filled again a few days later.

This is actually the whole reason that triggered me writing this post. 3days ago she came to me all proud that she deep cleaned the fridge and threw away all old food. I went to the fridge later and was thinking "yay it's so nice looking inside and it makes my mind at ease to look at it". But at the back of my head there was this gloomy feeling that this won't last. Next morning - I'm running late and go to take eggs for work for brekkie and the fridge is packed again with her latest haul last evening. Including my shelf which only had a carton of eggs and cheese on it before. My mind just starts spiraling and shuts off. I shut the fridge door, forget to take eggs and hurry to work, head spinning all morning. The filling the fridge part I have unfortunately become accustomed to by now and just try to ignore it but it does give me heaps stress when I look at the shit filled fridge. But I have communicated numerous times that my shelf is just for my things and I don't like it when she puts that type of food on my shelf. She's done it a few times before. I express my wish. She listens and for a while it's alright. Then it happens again and it's like a circle.

Me and my mums relationship is a whole other topic as I have recently discovered/acknowledged I was parentified by her growing up (therapist, problemsolver role) and she's very emotionally immature, which is why I've felt emotionally neglected and felt the need to be "the adult" growing up. It does explain heaps why I am the way I am but that's a story for a different sub.

She also fills the freezer with some meats that rarely get used. I've seen meats in freezer that are a year, 2 years old, even from 2019 and 2018! Mind you they're all marked with a discounted-same-day-use-by-sign. At first I was unfreezing some of the newer ones to cook for me but once they were ready I could just taste that they had this sour expired taste... I showed her how to look from the packaging if the meats is still good and worth taking (gassy bum) but I feel like she didn't register it at all. I do try to throw away old things when I find them in the freezer ( I have one shelf out of 7 for my stuff). But when I do and make space, it gets filled up soon with new things. I've tried to communicate with her that it's pointless to bring so much stuff as half of it is literally expired and then WE have to throw it away but have made no progress.

I recently sorted through some old things in one of the clutter rooms and found a big bag with heaps of years expired tins of meats and grains etc that had these bugs living in them etc. I try to throw away old produce when I can but feel like it's pointless if it just gets restocked and the habits stay the same. Plus I feel like it's me living in someone else's issue which has negative effects on my mental health. I have become heaps depressed living at home again, especially when I try to change things and encourage better habits but am just talking to a wall. As much as I like my family, I am super happy I'm moving away in a month and can have my own fridge and pantry with my own system for optimal usage. I actually really like an empty fridge from time to time as I can give it a good vinegar scrub. Plus that shows that all food has been eaten and used and can now be restocked with fresh produce for all different yummy meals. Funny how childhood living experiences shape our little habits and quirks.

Thank you for reading my first story post on this platform and feel free to give your analysis or share your experiences 😊

Looking for guidance/advice. My 80 year old mother was evicted from her subsidized senior apartment after 14 years due to hoarding. We (my sisters and I) did not find out until AFTER the ruling had been made. Since then, she has been scraping by at a hotel. She has been uncooperative in utilizing the homeless shelter by not calling in the morning to secure a bed. She is on a very limited income and we end up paying for the hotel last minute when she runs out of funds. We want her to get to the shelter so a case worker can help her possibly secure housing and other services. They won’t or can’t do that while she is at the hotel. We are extremely worried but also can’t afford to keep this up. She refuses to stay with any of us and honestly - it’s not something we want either. Should we cut off contact? financial support? We are exhausted and don’t want to enable her but struggle with boundaries. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Edit to add: the shelter has limited availability and there have been days they don’t have beds (we’ve called). Which makes this even more complicated.

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**MOD-APPROVED POST & EVENT**

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Event name: SOPHMI: Surviving the Holidays with a PWH

Date: Saturday, November 16, 2024

Time: 10 AM Central time/11 AM Eastern time

Cost: This is a "name your price" event ($5 minimum, $10 recommended)

Who: Ceci will be there to lead the session; the event is open to CoH who are 18 years of age or older

Where: Online

What: Peer Support Session with a focus on how to cope with having to spend time with a parent who hoards (PwH) during the holiday season. Participants will have an opportunity to share their frustrations, fears, and what has worked/not worked for them in the past.

Note: The mod team is aware that budgets are tight, especially during the holidays! If $5-10 is not workable in your budget, please contact us if you snag one of the 15 spots - we will have some sponsorships available to those in need.

Click here to register!

What is SOPHMI?
(pronounced “sew-f-me”)

Survivors of Parental Hoarding & Mental Illness
https://sophmi.mn.co

My mom is a cat hoarder. It started about a year ago and she progressively started bringing home more kittens at least once a month. When she started we lived in a small apartment and we had about 7 cats, plus a few other cat we had for years. Around the end of last year we decided to move out as the house was too small for all of us and because we couldn't find a house we got into another apartment. We also had 3 dogs inside one being a puppy so it got messy super quickly. Landlord found out through neighbours we had cats so we got kicked out and then we finally found a place big enough, but the neighbours there were even worse.

At that point we had around 15 cats and 3 kittens that were just born. The state of the house was terrible and my mom had no money to get the cats fixed so we ended up with a dozen more kittens until half our cats got fixed for free by this organisation. The whole time we lived there we constantly had police on our front door from the neighbour complains. At one point they searched our house and ran back out gagging from the smell. Id nevee felt worse in my entire life. Ive been living in filth for over a year. We eventually got kicked out of there too with even more newborn kittens and moved into our current home. I never let more than 5 cats at a time in my room and theres no litter box for any of them to use in here. It's generally clean and im getting the walls painted and my mattress changed so im not that upset about it. I try keep my room as clean as possible.

The real problem is my mom. Everytime i speak up about something worth discussing because these living conditions are bizarre she turns into this crazy heartless woman that spits anything out of her mouth to hurt me. She knows i have a problem living with all these cats (around 30 now) and I genuinely feel like she has started to hate me. She yells over the smallest things ever amd when the cat situation gets brought up she screams at the top of her lungs that I would be better gone at my dad's because she's tired of me. This wholw thing has genuinely made me hate cats even though i love them so much and im constantly thinking of moving away when im 18 and I feel so hopeless because theres no animal shelters or anyone i can contact about this. She genuinely cant stand to be around me just because i dont like these cats and the fact they ruined my relationship with her makes me despise them even more.

I constantly feel like i smell bad because everyday someone in my class complains about a bad odor and literally none of my friends sit next to me anymore. Id rather know they dont like me than find out I smell like ammonia, which i wouldn't be surprised about as my whole house reeks. My mom blames anyonw but herself about this whole thing and at this point I never bother argue with her or make her understand that this is genuinely unhealthy. Ive reccomended therapy so many times and she actually thinks she doesn't need it and she's fine.

Im only 15 and I have no one i could talk to about this or go to which makes me feel truly hopeless.

Hey everyone, I've been lurking on this sub for over a year and it's been amazing to read other people's experiences as it's made me feel less alone and helped me make sense of everything.

I grew up in a hoarder house, it wasn't bad when I was a young child, just normal messy/cluttered, but really escalated from around when I was 10+. My father was the hoarder and to a lesser extent my older sibling. Me and my mother are and always have been extreme minimalists, I don't know if this is because of the hoard or just a coincidental personality trait.

It got to the point where it was a 'tv show level hoard' with passageways between the junk that was literally piled up to the ceiling in one of the rooms and the garden as well. I wasn't allowed to throw out, donate or sell my own belongings so I ended up with a hoard myself although I didn't want to.

It was filthy and impossible to clean, there was a severe rodent, black mold, mushroom and insect problem - moths, slugs, woodlice, spiders, fleas, silverfish, flies, weevils.

It was literally so dangerous in that house there were objects that could topple over, rusty scrap metal, and faulty light switches which caused me to be electrocuted. I had constant food poisoning from how dirty the kitchen was and the fridge was crammed with rotting and expires food and leftovers. Right before I left I weighed around 6 stone due to stress and the poor living conditions. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I'm still alive.

I won't go into details right now but I have been out of the hoard for over a year, my physical and mental health has improved immeasurably and I'm so happy that I have a clean safe space. But I do get anxious about having too much stuff, I'm very minimalist and tidy but sometimes I feel like I should get myself more nice things but I get scared.

I just wanted to share my experience! Life can get better even if it's hard.

My mother is a hoarder, alcoholic, bipolar diagnosed (but I suspect maybe BPD?), no contact with 1/3 kids, was an extremely neglectful and at times abusive parent

She mismanaged her health ignoring any guidance to keep herself healthy and has been on a bender for 6 months. She finally went to the ER on Thursday last week after me begging and offering to take her for weeks because she’s been complaining about some serious symptoms. Turns out she had had a heart attack and is still being hospitalized and will need to stay at a rehabilitation place and then is recommended in home PT

Her place is at level 4 hoard with goat trails. I’ve offered my help to get it together and I’ve offered to pay for a cleaning team which she has refused and blown up at me over. She was already falling and getting gashes in her apt. It’s a mobility disaster waiting to happen…

She listed me as her care coordinator and is expecting me to figure out her future appts and transportation. She is upset that I haven’t gone to visit her and is mean to me over the phone. I don’t want to do this anymore with her, I’ve got nothing left in the tank.

Is it cruel of me to not get involved beyond phone calls with her? She is divorced and alienated from her 12 siblings and does not have friends. I have invested so much time and money into trying to help her and I just can’t anymore…

**MOD APPROVED EVENT & POST**

Ceci's back for the holidays with an AMAZING opportunity for 15 lucky members of our community! Details:

Event name: SOPHMI: Surviving the Holidays with a PWH
Date: Saturday, November 16, 2024
Time: 10 AM Central time/11 AM Eastern time
Cost: This is a "name your price" event ($5 minimum, $10 recommended)
Who: Ceci will be there to lead the session; the event is open to CoH who are 18 years of age or older
Where: Online
What: Peer Support Session with a focus on how to cope with having to spend time with a parent who hoards (PwH) during the holiday season. Participants will have an opportunity to share their frustrations, fears, and what has worked/not worked for them in the past.

As the seats are very limited, we wanted to give a fair chance to all to register for the event, so this is a teaser! Plan ahead: The sign-up link will be posted by me on this sub at 10 AM Central this Saturday, November 2.

Note: The mod team is aware that budgets are tight, especially during the holidays! If $5-10 is not workable in your budget, please contact us if you snag one of the 15 spots - we will have some sponsorships available to those in need.

Whenever they talk to their hoarder family members?

I feel like I’m looking under the rock and screaming madness looks back.

I’ve been out of that life for 30 years, have a family of my own, supported my HPs through losing their home and their hoard and eventually old age and the end. And now my sibling is following the hoarder path.

I gave a lot of my time, energy and emotion to my parents. I love my sibling. I just don’t want to do it all again. (They are disabled, finances aren’t good either).

I just wonder if I am alone here.

My mother is a hoarder, and my dad is a "pack rat." Basically my mom wants to keep almost everything, even if trash, and my dad keeps everything just in case they may need it someday. They have a house and a cabin. The house has a few hoarded bedrooms and basement, with the main living area almost looking normal, and the cabin is mostly clear. My mom's cousins didn't want her grandfather's organ that her mother (my grandmother) learned how to play when she was a kid anymore. She really wanted one of my siblings or I to take it to "keep it in the family." They actually already have an organ, although not antique like this one, in the basement of their house. She wanted us to take it so badly, but the thing is huge, and none of us had a place to keep it. So what did she do? She got it, and now it's at the cabin. Keep in mind, it is broken, and she doesn't even know how to play it. She is in her early 70's. Just another thing for us to deal with once our parents are gone. We had suggested earlier that if she really wanted it, to get rid of the one they already have first. But nope, now they have two.

I have come to a good enough understanding of this disease.

I understand that HP is unwell. I understand that I cannot change them - only they can.

I understand that HP confabulates and 'manipulates' not because they are some maniacal, cackling, evil villain, but out of desperation from the panic and distress caused by this godforsaken sickness. That their mind involuntarily distorts the world to defend themselves from shame and uncomfortable feelings, and 'lies' and 'manipulations' just fall out of their mouth to protect and disguise the hoard.

I understood that I needed to get out and I have now left.

But I am still angry. I ruminate for hours on end about the hoarding. About the lying. About the emotional manipulation. I run through conversations where HP spun me around in circles repeatedly, until I exhaust myself.

I articulate exactly why things are unjust again, and again. Why this should have happened, not that. Why this half-truth isn't technically right. Why that guilt-trip was not fair.

It's totally pointless. It wastes my time and mental energy. I don't need any further help in articulating what's wrong. I geddit already. This guy is sick, and I've already walked away.

Anger is useful in provoking action - it helped me to move out. But I still stew in my own toxic, self-destructive, futile bitterness.

Schopenhauer says (paraphrase):

"Don't waste your time getting angry at [emotionally immature and people with low-insight into a mental illness]. If you stub your toe on a rock, you wouldn't get angry at the rock. Likewise, these poor people are clueless, they just don't know better - just avoid them, don't get pissy."

I understand this, and yet I still ruminate! I'm addicted to it.

This is now totally a me problem. I can't control HP, but I should be able to control my own thoughts.

But how do I actually stop, let go, and worry about my own life? Help!

PS: things are getting a bit better since I left three weeks ago - ruminating for much less time now, but still too much!!!!

PPS: Context: I'm in a slightly different situation to some of you: I helped HP buy an apartment, under an informal promise that I could live there. They used it for hoarding. It left me housing insecure with no money.

hello all. i am currently battling a staph infection from the state of this house. rats are constantly running around and i have been getting eaten alive by fleas. i have sensory issues so it makes everything 10/10 worse. i cant sleep at night bc the rats crawling in the walls is too loud for me to even dream of sleeping. i genuinely believe i will die in this house. im 24 and recently quit my job due to my mental health. im so unbearably itchy and uncomfortable. also the fridge is mega hoarded and is constantly full of rotting food and there is even rat poop in there somehow. im so scared that i will die here. i want to leave so bad but i have nowhere else to go and i dont know what to do.

That’s what they assume I’ll do and honestly, since they have spent decades failing to separate and explain the valuable family items from the hoard, what else am I supposed to do?

There is no someone else. My sibling would knock the whole house down and rebuild. HP is not going to remarry. They have no friends who they would gift a house to.

They think there is an imaginary someone out there who will want and appreciate their things after they are gone.

So I get a broken childhood and a lifetime of stress and shame over having a hoarding parent, and deal with decades of them saying “I’m getting ready to clean out X” and to take care of them through end of life and then have nothing left but grief.

I can’t afford to have nothing left but grief. Not in this economy.

I need a hug 😞