So I’m home for the holidays, not actually staying at the hoarding parent’s place, but with my sibling. My sibling has a partner and a kid.

While we are complaining about our hoarder parent, for example because they are keeping broken furniture, among them a broken couch…. I just realized that my sibling is also keeping a broken couch!

It’s currently used for storage ”don’t sit on it!” And there’s a small grid-thing to block off access to the couch.

I’m going to ask about the status of the couch tomorrow. They probably told me what the plan was for the couch, but I don’t remember it now.

We are renting a trailer to get rid of some things, so we’ll see what happens. They of course want to focus on hoarding parent getting rid of their stuff… but honestly they should focus on their own stuff first.

Thank you all for being here!

I just had a mini meltdown because I was so overwhelmed. My parent’s house is small and growing up, I shared a room with my brother. The amount of stuff they manage to cramp up is enormous. It is somewhat organised but still. Our room is the smallest . I don’t sleep in there when I come back if my brother is home as well but I put my stuff in there and honestly I get depressed whenever I go in. I don’t know how I grew up in here. And whenever I tell them this they don’t understand what I mean. My grandma keeps all of her books in there so a whole wall is occupied by bookshelves filled with books that I would not enjoy reading and I like reading. Some of the drawers are full of documents no one bothered organising so if I want to find my high schools diploma for example, I have to go through a whole pile. The room is overall 10 sq.m. It has two beds, a desk, the wall with the bookshelves and a small wardrobe I had to share. What bugs me is not that I had to share but that I had no space to put my own stuff. Each of us got one small shelf to put our school stuff, which could have been enough if our mom didn’t buy new stuff every year. Now, I know some people would say this is a privilege but no one needs dozens of notebooks and school supplies at a time. Buying in bulk is not always better.

They expected us to pick out stuff up but we had nowhere to put them. Then I would get in trouble for not being organised. But this space just doesn’t let you be organised, when you have nowhere to put your stuff. I want everything to have its own designated space. In my own home I keep everything tidy. However, the moment I’m in that room I just can’t.

The rest of the house looks fine until you look deeper and realise there are so many unnecessary things. I hate it. The dining table is half full of stuff. I can’t even eat in peace, it bothers me so much. The cupboards are overfilled with stuff nobody uses. So many huge 10l water bottles nobody throws out. They buy everything in bulk and I mean everything. Doesn’t matter that it would last years and would probably not be usable by then. Recently they are into candle holders. They don’t even have enough surfaces for all the candles. They somewhat organise it so the floor is clean at least. But no counter is clear. The concept of putting things away doesn’t exist. And they couldn’t even if they wanted because they are overfilled with junk.

My parents room is even worse than ours. It is simply a glorified storage room. No light. There is just enough space to get dressed and get into bed.

I’m visiting family for Christmas and one of us has to stay in the hoarding parent’s one room apartment. I have a few days to clean a bit, but I know the hoarding parent gets angry if we clean too much or throw away trash.

The hoarding parent doesn’t live in the apartment, but just keeps a lot of their hoard there.

The floor is kept ”clean” by covering it with newspaper.

It’s mostly full of moving boxes and I have got permission to pack two specific things that hp will store elsewhere during the visit and take out the bicycles.

Any recommendations?

I moved out of my parents home in 2018 and I swear to god…ever since then things just began to go downhill. When I would come back to visit I would notice how untidy it became. Eventually I started booking hotels because I could not stay with them, it became unlivable. Recently we had a family emergency where my parents needed to travel out of state, they asked me to watch their 3 dogs. Their dogs are not potty trained and will only pee/poop inside on dog pee pads.

Lately my family has been placing just the dog pads on the bare ground - I noticed dog urine was spreading everywhere. People who step in it and would track it through the house. I tried to explain that it was disgusting and dangerous but my dad told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. I don’t know if this makes me part of the problem but I bought them a tray to keep the dog pad in place and so the urines doesn’t seep into the floors.

Within the last few years my mom has picked up hoarding habits. She will bring home random furniture and items. Some time not even functional- just something to throw more junk on. As I was taking care of her pets I noticed an area in the kitchen where there was caked on urine and dry dog poop on everything. I got upset and threw away the tables/chairs/random TV mount/etc that was covered in pee. I tried my best to clean that small area. I asked my brother to help me clean - (who lives at home) but all he did was half ass help. My family doesn’t take care of their home anymore. They breathe in dog droppings and cleaning chemicals all day. My brother rips bongs inside and it smells awful. The smells from inside linger on their clothing and into the car they drive. I feel frustrated because I want better for them. They cannot neglect themselves, their animals or home like this. Funny enough , we grew up extremely clean because my parents HAD hoarder parents and raised us to be opposite. I really don’t know what to do without spreading myself thin. I feel extremely embarrassed when my partner has to come with me to visit parents.

Hi all,

I’ll get right into it-

Over the years my parents have become extreme hoarders. This includes animals… they definitely have way too much “stuff” that doesn’t serve them any purpose or add value to their lives, but my main concern is their animals. I don’t have an exact number of pets they have at this point. I know they have 2 dogs, but the number of cats they have is out of this world. All I know is that they have EIGHT or NINE generations of cats in their home. I’ve begged them for years not to get anymore pets and just keep the ones they have until their already short lives are over, but they continue to take them in and then inevitably, the cats reproduce. They keep all the kittens and the cycle starts over again. The home is falling apart and is so dirty that they don’t allow me or my sister to come visit them anymore. Recently, my sister and I have noticed an increasingly aggressive scent of cat pee and litter that lingers on them making it hard to visit with them at events or dinners. I know we aren’t the only ones who notice this smell on them as they both still work and I hate the thought of others judging them based on this. I desperately need advice on how to gently bring this up to them so they can be aware of how bad they smell and give them an opportunity to try and fix it. PLEASE, how do I tell them without completely mortifying them? TIA

I think my mother is in the very beginning stages of hoarding. The garage is filled with items she wants to use for arts and crafts, to the point where there is a single walking path. The closets are filled with bedding, multiple closest systems have failed from the weight of the clothes, and Temu packages arriving multiple times a week (with poorly made products). Can’t walk into her closest and her room has multiple fixtures for clothes and things.

When I try to speak with her she gets defensive and will even hold her head out of frustration. She gets angry and says she can’t talk about it right now, that she’s going through a lot, etc. She seems to think me and my father are ganging up on her but really it’s because it’s getting out of control.

Important things to mention:

1. There are no smells, no urine/feces, my mom is very clean.
2. An outsider wouldn’t walk into the house and think that there is hoarding going on (not in a serious way).

So could this be hoarding? When does clutter become hoarding?

It doesn’t seem to check off the boxes that I read online. How do you help someone with this when they are resistant to conversation and become defense?

I've been making moves that get me out of the house towards the completion of my degree, I do NOT tell my Hparents obviously of my whereabouts and they've been getting increasingly gossipy, upset, hostile language being used. They do not like the fact that they're feeling like they are being left. They did nothing to try to improve living conditions with me. I do not have to continue living amongst people that don't even try to make life bearable for me. I have tried everything to accommodate them.

The comments range from comparing me to relatives they cut off that didn't just blindly accept them and their awful behaviors to comments attacking my character. Meanwhile they continue to hoard, accumulate things, act like it's happy fun times vacation 24/7 being in a disgusting home full of hoarder pets that cry, uncomfortable blockage of some areas of the house.

Any type of resource or thing you need from the house requires Hparent approval, 1 month search time, even if it's as simple as paper towels. There's no organization. They have a "routine" to their hoard. And I'm just expected to shuffle around it because it's THEIR house. Ok but now they don't want me leaving their house? How's that work?

The part that upsets me the most is that they never even TRIED To make things better for me, their daughter. At least *try* to see they are the problem. At least try to make my life they imposed on me less miserable. Nope they just want everyone to tolerate them, live around them, my actions need to benefit them.

I just sent this to a friend who returned from traveling away aways for an extended visit to deal with a parent with dementia seemingly worsening on the daily in a hoarder house:

It’s OK and much needed to take a do nothing day after such an intense and emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually draining trip and interaction of family events and planning. Hell, even a week in bed with the covers over your head rocking back and forth should be expected and justified.

There’s just something about being in a hyper alert state all the time and making profound life decisions amongst the hundreds of other tiny decision that is so soul draining and crushing that anyone not in that situation hasn’t a clue about.

And when you find yourself falling apart over should we keep this ratty, nasty old bathroom that’s familiar & seems to give comfort or throw it out because you never want to see it again that you need to withdrawal, renew and regroup and take much more than a moment for yourself.

There is so much freaking stuff to deal with all the time and even the easiest things becomes a complicated ordeal. It’s all desperately trying to steer the Titanic out of the path of the iceberg knowing that you’re already one beat too late.

Everyday I wake up with a thousand possible and important things I should be doing and I need to throw myself a party if I can get one thing checked off the list, because YES! It is a heroic big deal if I got that one damn thing done today!!!

Feel free to copy, paste and save this to send back to me possibly next year, next week or even after I wake up tomorrow.

Why is it socially acceptable to loose one’s shit over a spider but not a fly? I’ve seen so many people scream and freak out over a spider, but when I freak out over a fly people call me crazy.

When have spiders completely taken over a house by the hundreds, crawling all over everything in sight. Crawling all over you and bothering you all hours of the day incessantly.

Anywhere there is food there is the potential for horrible wriggling larvae. They are somehow so insanely fast it’s impossible to catch them all, and the way they pop when you kill them will haunt me forever.

Flies are arguably way more disgusting, disease carrying, and pest-like than plenty of other insects that are considered fear-worthy. I’m tired of people treating me like shit because I’m terrified of flies. They gross me out and I don’t allow them to live. I panic and go on a hunt to kill it before it can lay eggs and people legitimately think I’ve lost my mind.

Chat gpt is great for breaking down how to go about dealing with the hoard mentally, emotionally, and physically. I used to do power runs through cleaning (kitchen would take me 9 to 12 hours) and I’d do it in one go which is not healthy. I now have been managing small steps at a time, while not to anger my parent and deal with the emotional toll that takes.

ive lived in a hoarder house my whole life, im 16 now. my mom wont do anything, she lays in bed and says shell clean but never does. My dad makes it worse by throwing her stuff around and shoving it in rooms he doesnt use. I have no where to go, im tired of living like this, i feel hopeless. Ive had childrens aid come to the house and they closed my case. im scared about moving into a teen group home, im scared of living here and moving out i dont know what to do.

My mom has been a hoarder my entire life. She’ll cook and do other chores for the family but she won’t organize our home. She’ll put up a big fuss of cleaning this and that but the work is only difficult because she refuses to keep things tidy. She doesn’t create an environment that’ll help make cleaning easier. In turn, we can’t help her with cleanup because things are so difficult to manage. She takes pride in working hard to maintain the house but our home never truly looks any different.

Every single space has to be filled with something. There’s no room to walk normally. I feel incredibly claustrophobic. I can’t stand up tall or breathe in fully because it’s a living hell. I offered to help, offered to hire help, offered to rent a dumpster but the response I get is insults about how dumb I am to want to waste money.

I got a job that requires a lot mental energy and my performance has suffered because I’m exhausted all the time. I’ve explained to her again and again why I need my room to be emptied out because I need the space and what hurts me the most is the way she dismisses me, ‘Can you shut up? I’m sick, busy, tired, [insert excuses here].’

I’ve pleaded with her for 10 years now. What really hurts is that she knows I will lose this job if she doesn’t take action and she doesn’t care. She said ‘I guess you’ll just have to keep waiting then.’ Did I mention I pay all of our bills?

It makes me incredibly sad to think about all the missed opportunities. I can’t believe I’m going to have to spend $300 to rent a dumpster because I’ve decided to put my foot down and take care of this myself. I feel so tired just looking at the pile of stuff that’s reaches all the way to the ceiling. I can’t believe this is the woman that criticizes other people’s homes, jobs, personality, etc. I’m way too tired to handle all this crap that wasn’t my doing. Why am I the one responsible for all this? It’s more than unfair. She has ruined my life in more ways than one and what’s worse is she knows that.

What use is awareness if nothing changes?

Feel free to leave comments. I’m desperate to talk to people who understand.

This is long and likely boring just, well, l you've been warned.

My parents were great. Loving, amazing, kind, intelligent. I don't have time to express how much I appreciate them as individuals and as people I am proud of. They taught me a lot practical skills. They put a lot of effort and research into sendin me to good schools. They were caring, never physically fought afaik, etc. (there's lotsa other things but not the point of post)

So I always just tried to not think about the squalor. I pretended it didn't exist. The disorganization had been around since I was a child and it was just me and my Mom. It's tough to remember too far back, because we sometimes lived with other family members, or just moved around alot.

The popular mental health awareness stuff of today often mentions abuse as a cause for lots of disorders later in life. I guess I never related to that. I was raised right, I'd think to myself. No one screamed at me or hit me or made me smoke crack, so, ya know, I pretty much had the good life compared to other kids in the neighborhood. I didn't consider that being made by broken people might make you a broken person, too. I only recently came to understand it's possible to be abused without malicious intent.

Parents didn't have much money, but were extremely resourceful. Resourceful in a way that prioritized logistics of paying bills and eating over much of anything else. Either this was for necessity or I just think it was, cause I was raised with it.

At some point I stopped trying to make friends at school cause they always ended up wanting to come over, and I was terrified of saying no due to the house and disappointing them. So I just avoided it entirely.

When the electric quit working in the kitchen, we started washing dishes in the bathroom sink. Had an electric skillet plugged in in the connected, open floor living room that still has power. Hot water went out. All inside water went out. started showering with a water hose. A hole in the roof or a water leak rendered and area a smelly ghost town. There were usually roaches. My parents didn't really clean until it was a whole ass thing. Like someone was coming over that couldn't be convinced not to. Then we'd all have to take it like a team.

Bags of trash would get left so long they'd get torn up by a pet and become bag of trash 2.0. (tbf i was supposed to take that mf out) Clothes were all over like a magician made a moshpit disappear. Boxes of crap still not unpacked years later just sitting in a chair like it's got an appointment or somethin'. food spoiled, dishes would rot.

I find myself not being able to function in the longest relationship I've ever been in. I don't clean. I don't think about it. Household chores I just sometimes can't or won't do. Vacuuming isn't something I worry about. Dirty windows are irrelevant. To me there's no wrong place for a cup, long as it stays right side up.

I must admit that while we were treated very kindly we also kinda had no real punishment, and the redundance of being forced to do things because people said you have to, by people who are choosing not to do things, even though society says they have to, and are encouraging independent though, just made nobody bother to clean anything.

Washing dishes is something that was more of a -you want it, you wash it thing. I started keeping most of my stuff in the general area round me cause lots of shared rooms. Clothes in bags rather than a closet. Like a sleepover or camping. We stopped bothering with kitchen tables because the rooms were disgusting, then everyone started eating apart.

.At some point we lost the house and with it many items from when I was a child and since then I really despise having STUFF. It is freeing the idea of having almost nothing.

I find having lots of space kinda weird . Feel like I grew up couch surfing in my own house with my family. And now I cannot function like a normal person because something that I guess other people learn -are- trained- to do I am trained the opposite. So I know leaving the wet towel on the ground after I shower will piss of the person I live with it but it's not at all my instinct to deal with it, and as an ADHD person, I'd have to consciously focus on that and only that to not forget when I'm done showering.

I feel like a spoiled manbaby but I just can't prioritize chores in my head, they are one of the least important things according to how I grew up and how I think. And that's a terrible excuse to have for anyone who has to exist with me . Just wondering if anyone else has issues cohabitating with others.Im ADHD too so that definitely doesn't help.When I live on my own I can do fine cause there's only me there to get mad at me, and then have to deal with it. But my GF is on top of things so I'm sure to her I just look like I want her to do it, when in fact I just expected it to not be done until I come back to it.

I have always shyed away from writing anywhere cause I have anxiety and was afraid of rejection but I've been working a more people centered job and gotten meds so I realize most people being legit rude on the internet just have their own issues and coping mechanisms that involve lashing out at others. So I hope it makes a good timtook robot voice story for views. #crupto

Both parents have moved into apartments. I really (foolishly) thought this was a new beginning and a reset. The hoarding and refusing to clean continues. How does one tell elderly parents "pick up after yourself" and "wash your dishes"? This is what adults do. And YOU ARE ADULTS and this IS WHAT ADULTS DO. Thanks for reading and letting me vent. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

My father’s hoarding seems to stem from fear of poverty.

We are not poor though, we’ve always had enough to be considered middle class. As my siblings and I are already working professionals, we make sure to provide our father (70 y.o) enough money for food and all his necessities, and hired househelp as well to assist him.

Despite the monthly allowances we provide, he refuses to buy food for himself and for the househelp. He only eats expired junk and other items he’s hoarded through the years.

We got into a heated discussion over it earlier this year, as I proposed to be the one to buy their food (to ensure the househelp also gets to eat well). It blew into this huge argument and I havent been visiting as often since. Last time i saw him, he drastically lost weight, almost paper thin.

I know it is his decision, as the money we send is more than enough for him to buy food, but I cant help feeling bad or even guilty that he’s turned out this way.

Basicly to put it short, she buys things with a plan for them, but quickly just forgets about it and never uses it again. They just become items that sit in another corner. I'm not super tidy myself and we are both fairly young, but I always remeber keeping my room clean as can be when I lived with my parents. The few times I've seen her parents house in HS it was pretty clear they where hoarders, just enough space for you to walk around. I do remember her room always being a mess, which I understood as a kid having all your belonging limited to one room, but do I really need her to keep an exust from the side of the road when she doesnt even drive? Pretty much every surface area has became hers in our home, kitchen counter, tv stand, any floor that doesnt directly go to another room is covered in completely random stuff that has no home shes gotten over the last 3 years we've lived here. The furanture that has my items have always remained the same, I still use my exact same desk from HS, and manage to keep my personal belongings there, else they will be forever lost.

Update for anyone :

I've attacked the living room the past few days, got some boxes for things that make sense to group together (out of season decorations, crafts, books that don't fit on the shelfs) mostly done with the living room, have 2 piles to attack still, been taking like 2 hours a day since before this post to get around to the stuff. The exhaust is still here. Living room probably won't be 100% done till after the Xmas tree is down since it's blocking some stuff. Right now at 5 trash bags of stuff.

I've lived with my hoarder family all my life. I try to keep my own space clean but due to exhaustion I'm basically one of them at this point, although I have no issue throwing out trash and even sentimental items- just getting the energy to do it due to working full time and taking care of my parents.

My hoarder mom has been in and out of the hospital with a gallbladder infection and stone and is going in for surgery today to get it removed. We may have a home nurse in tonight and that means we gotta deep clean..

but ofc, my dad has to bring her to the hospital and because he's a man and didn't make the mess my sister and I gotta clean up the hoard. I have work today and won't be able to get it done in time combined with a stress induced headache because I'm only 18 and I'm basically my parents part time caregiver.

I am supposed to be cleaning but instead I'm pretending to have my dogs outside to play for a bit while I try not to break down out of stress.

I know I realistically need to suck it up and just get the house cleaned. Might need to do a shift change to get it done and try and figure out how tf I'm paying my credit card off since I also had to buy her meds that I didn't have the money for.

I'm tired of being the good, responsible daughter. I just want to sleep forever.

Mom(F46) is a hoarder (her parents are also one), and has kept many unused items/clothes in the house. And during the pandemic it got worst, she became VERY shopcaholic and bought more than 60+ pair of pants, shirts, all unused. In recent months I wanted to find my own style of clothing which I couldn't due to very limited space (I share a small walk in closets with her 1/6 of the space is mine). Last week I tried convincing her to donate some of the clothes away but she accused me of pressuring her into depression again. She says she doesn't have much space either and claimed she still "wears" all of the 200+unused clothes. I don't know what to do, I'm still a minor and she threatens me that if I pressure her again she'll throw all my clothes out

Ps. The house is filled with unused items that she won't throw out (200+ perfumes, 300+ makeup and many temu junk) and is still buying new things without considering how much she spends online (dad can't do anything either or she'll be defensive)

i mean perfectly fine, normal people that give you presents. How do you get over the mental block of not 100% knowing where that item came from, how exactly it was wrapped/stored etc. You know this person very well, their house is clean, normal, they are normal , there is zero reason to have any issue with them but ...

OMG the millions of thoughts and questions about 'what might be' all start flooding back.

Examples: maybe they didnt clean the table before wrapping the gift, maybe this is really old wrapping paper, maybe the gift is old, maybe there was one single bug somewhere in the house, what if they have cats!!! i hate cats.- none of these are even a possibility but my brain thinks they are.

Why are gifts so difficult?? I love GIVING gifts, i dont do so well with receiving gifts... ugh

Got back from a visit to my childhood house. Still feel frustrated that we can't talk about this.

I stayed at a hotel, limited my time at the house, but still get sucked in to cleaning for hours while I'm there.

I wish I could talk about our parents hoarding with my older sister. It's going to fall to us to deal with someday.

I see my parents aging and wish I could assist more, bring more life and color to the desolation of the suburbs. But it's not something I could do. I can't live there, can't function with the dust and clutter.

On a positive note, I'm making progress cleaning out my own stuff out of that house. My mom sat with me while we went through clothing to keep, donate, trash.

I know that they are trapped just as much as I once felt. I can't change this situation, but I can reconnect every so often.

dad blaming me for the cat shit everywhere i swear on my momma i’ll call cps again🩷🩷

Long story short I haven’t seen my mom in over two years because of a fight we had over the state of her house (unhygienic, dog pee everywhere, you get the picture).

Now my dad is pressuring me to fly back to my hometown to see my mom. Last time I suggested I get an Airbnb and mom FLIPPED out because she was super offended. But I told myself I would never stay at hers again (because it’s disgusting and because it leads to fights).

How do I protect my sanity, whilst not hurting my mom’s feelings?

Have any of you suspected hoarding tendencies in your own children?

One of mine is messy in a ‘normal kid’ sort of way - wants to play with everything at once and isn’t a fan of putting away laundry. However they are very sanguine about giving away toys they’re no longer interested in and can tidy up fairly quickly and thoroughly with a certain amount of badgering. The other one creates horror boxes, fills bookshelves with crap in front of the books, and has recently been discovered to be putting dirty laundry back in the drawer instead of in the basket. They also won’t let us in their room unless we insist and frequently spend all day ‘tidying’ with minimal visible impact.

I simply can’t deal with having even a proto-hoarded space in my otherwise normal, clean house and am therefore sure I’m not handling this well. Can anybody recommend any books or other resources that might help us nip the concerning behaviour in the bud? My children don’t remember my HP’s house - I gave her an ultimatum on visiting before the younger was born with a highly predictable outcome - so don’t understand why this is a big deal.

What are the signs to be watch out for?

I just found this sub and need to request some advice or at the very least, scream into the void. I guess if you’re on here, you have many of the same feelings so you’ll probably understand.

Right now, I am feeling kind of hopeless. My MIL home is a mess all the time. I used to live with her and would clean frequently and it wouldn’t even scratch the surface of what really needed to be done because one, she didn’t often help clean, and two, it was just so bad even before I got there. I love her and want to help her and I know her kids do too, but so far all anyone seems to know to do is to go over to her house and spend the ENTIRE DAY cleaning.

I love cleaning. My own home is extremely clean and organized so of course I don’t mind helping clean her home. But is that really just what we’re supposed to do forever??? Every couple months we just go deep clean her home only for it to once again become almost unlivable levels of disgusting???? That can’t be the only answer. I know she needs professional help but how do we broach that subject and what resources does she need? It’s obviously a pretty delicate subject, I don’t want to hurt her feelings or put her on the defensive.

I’m literally begging for help with this. I know it’s a disease but I’m starting to feel like she will just expect this for the rest of her life and I would eventually like to move out of state without worrying about how she’s living. It’s extremely unhealthy. I’m talking two fridges filled with moldy, uncovered food. NO ONE should live like that and even though I am no longer living there, it takes a toll on my boyfriend and I’s mental health because we know what the house is like. Please, give me any kind of direction. This is not sustainable for her or her kids long-term and I’m already feeling kind of burnt out.

i'm middle aged, fit. siblings are middle aged, financially stable. Parents are hoarded up in a mountain house with an embarrassing amount of structural damage, and they're losing the capacity to fix it themselves. Like they've ripped out various tubs and cabinets and toilets, and won't let us throw money at it.

I'm just frustrated. It looks like elder abuse, but they're just roadblocking us from bringing in help. It looks like we're letting elders live on concrete floors covered in trash and the reality is they keep cancelling 20k worth of same week repair contractors. They won't clean anything even within their ability (like running a swiffer for 3 minutes). They threw a new vacuum into the hoard and never touched it instead of recharging the battery. I'm honestly just angry.