For months now I’ve been going to bed so late. I know that sleep is super important for me, my psychiatrist says it too. Lack of sleep does not help my mood regulation… but I find so much peace at night - the quiet, darkness etc is my solace.

I’ve never been able to work out my hypomanic state. This isn’t that, because I don’t have energy during the day or function well on little sleep.

I also work such a stressful job, that my quiet/down time is at night. I also put off sleep because I know once I sleep the work day starts again 🤯

I’m sure others are the same, words of wisdom please 🫠 it’s 1.15am and I feel sick from exhaustion but I’m just doom scrolling.

I feel lost in space, like I never properly…grew, me. Me as a person, an identity.

Not all, but a lot of other people have the luxury of growing up always being in control, ultimately, of what they do and what they say, and so they can figure out social dynamics and how to conduct themselves accordingly, as well as generally consistently and “normally”. They make friends and get close with people in a normal, natural way. Who they are as a person forms accordingly around that, until eventually there is a person with a distinct personality, demeanor, and way of acting. Stable.

My bipolar started when I first hit puberty, around twelve or so. I was already a weird kid because I lived in a profoundly mentally abusive household. The manifestation of this sealed the deal. That I wouldn’t get that experience. And I didn’t. I lived and still live in a constant state of change that never grounds itself. I keep trying to make meds work, but there’s no foundation of a person to latch onto. Too much turmoil to build.

I sometimes reflect on a childhood of being the “weird” kid that other kids outright admitted to being scared of. I lived in an ocean of disconnection, and the violent motion of my experience of life ripped every part of what I could’ve grown to be back into the formless oblivion they were before. It leaves me just. Feeling like I was born empty, and will always be. There’s an endless sea of waves inside of my body that billow nowhere, just up and down in a ceaseless rhythm that I can’t figure out how to let anyone hear. I don’t know that anyone is able to, really. I’m pretty sure the only thing I ever manage is a fucking foghorn of emotion that scares the life out of people with its intensity and sound.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this, but I figure the point of subreddits like this are to yell into a random crowd of people just like you and let em do what they will with what they read. I’m high in my car hiding in the garage at 7am after I bashed my head into this headrest I’m leaning against like a fucking lunatic just yesterday. Been tweaking myself out from overly intense emotions lately which terrorizes my loved ones in the crossfire. Literally sobbing my lungs out at random where no one else can hear (…I spend a LOT of time in my car in the garage lol).

Increasing meds soon, but I honestly don’t think that’s going to make a dent on something I concluded yesterday, which is that one day soon, I am going to be a part of the robust suicide statistic people with our disorder have. I was fucked from the start and I live the consequences of those everyday, and I am becoming exhausted with the battle of trying to pretend to be sane. I don’t know how the fuck you’re supposed to survive and thrive when your earliest years of development were abject neglect, violence and instability, and your formative adolescent years were spent rapidly cycling almost nonstop.

Maybe I’m being impatient, but it feels like I’m building who I am on top of a fucking void instead of a foundation. Sometimes I feel as though my skin hides that void, like I’m some sort of weird flesh balloon. Most of the time my insides just feel raw, though. Heavy with pain. That might just be my chronic pain talking, though. PT and painkillers help, but it’s always there.

Does this resonate with literally anyone or have I crossed some sort of bizarre-o threshold. Has anyone else been bipolar since puberty?

Last note: “Hole in the Earth” by Daughter is the vibe of my particular blend of bipolar. Daughter is a really good band to cry to if you need to prompt it. “Mother” or “Landfill” or ESPECIALLY “Smother” are the best ones to break down to. You’re welcome 🙌

Tell me your experience. I am getting really bad lately.

Hi all. I’m 46 and apparently I’ve had the wrong diagnosis all my life. I’ve been having extreme irritability which I thought was severe anxiety. But my anxiety meds didn’t work. I began having difficulty staying asleep, waking up at 3:00 am. I started noticing I was having racing thoughts, which I’ve had before due to anxiety. But the thoughts were different. I was daydreaming about doing crazy things like leaving my family and moving far away for adventure, or quitting my career and going back to college. I can’t focus at work or on my hobbies because the irritability is so strong and uncomfortable. These episodes have been lasting several days, then I feel fine.

I’ve started taking an antipsychotic and I feel so much better. I also now take a mood stabilizer.

Does this sound like hypo mania to you? I was always under the impression that mania was a good feeling where people feel on top of the world, but mania for me seems to be severe irritability.

Any advice on ways to avoid future manic episodes besides medication?

A little humorous wall decor for my coffee bar I made using a letter board 😁

After an all nighter of obsessively researching symptoms, psychiatry appointment, and a lamictal adjustment... I'm still feeling confused or doubting the information and experience ive had. Sooo here I am.

What is your experience with rapid cycling?

How rapid are you cycling?

Are there specific moods you typically cycle through, or does it vary situationally?

If medicated, do you feel that medication makes a difference? Does it slow cycling or reduce the intensity? Is there a PRN medication you take when a cycle is coming on?

TL,DR: Depressed as fuck, but I want to do some small things today and I want to tell you all about it so I don't feel alone.

Been depressed for about a month. It's a really long one for me. I've lost interest in everything around me - everything that used to bring me joy, makes me sad and bored.

I don't want to talk to my friends, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to play video games, I don't want to go for a run on this beautiful autumn day, I don't want to go to a party, I don't want to see my girlfriend, I don't want to read my book, I don't want to watch TV, I don't want to travel, make plans, play piano, woodworking.. fuck.

I just want to sit here and cry. Stare at the ceiling. And gradually warm myself to the idea that I might actually be able to finally end this. Because if nothing in life is interesting anymore, then what's the point in carrying on living it? Especially because the more this goes on, the less things there will be to be potentially interested in: I'll lose friends, forget skills, lose my job, etc... so the less I value the things in my life, the less there will be to value in the end.

But I'm not going to do that, because I'm not giving up yet. Instead I'm going to do some little things. I'm going to unpack my fucking suitcase that's been sitting there for days. I'm going to go for a slow run, maybe just a walk, who cares. I'm going to eat some avocado toast and some eggs. I'm going to play some online chess. And then tonight I'm going to go to a stupid dinner with some stupid friends, and drink a lot of beer. I'll probably cry a lot while doing it, but that's also fine.

The three hours I actually get to sleep are always filled with panicky and rushed dreams where there’s always a cacophony of noise and everything is flying by at 100 miles an hour. This has happened a few times and I always wake up confused. I haven’t really heard of hypo manic dreams but I think I’m having them? Interested what yall have to say

I hate being so unstable, but I have not found a way yet that works for me. I’m literally doing everything wrong. And I just don’t care anymore cause I’m just so tired. I’m snappy and short with people I can’t handle anything. I cry all the time. I’m hurting myself again out of just pure desperation because it’s the only thing I know that stops the physical feelings and can slow down my brain for a minute without technically putting me under the influence. I hate this . I’m waiting for the people. I care about to hate me too. They probably should if they don’t already..

i’m so done. i hate what this disorder does to me. i hate the way it makes me feel, the way it makes me act out in such awful ways. i haven’t felt so helpless in such a long time. i’m so tired of living. i’m so apathetic to everything in my life. my partner told me i was a mentally unstable freak last night and mocked me for my actions, telling me i deserved to be mocked. he apologized afterwards, saying i was frustrating to deal with (ie my mental illness) but those words just broke me. being called a freak just made me feel so inhuman. i’m so broken down and tired of life. i feel so degraded and broken. i know it’s tiring dealing with my outbursts and my highs and lows. i feel like a burden to everyone and i’m so tired of living with this pain everyday and how my pain infects everyone around me.

So basically, every action has consequences. I did many awful things during my manic phase and now they are surfacing. How do you people handle with consequences of your actions?

I’ve been really doubting my diagnosis lately and trying to like prove that it’s not real and all in my head. Since stopping my meds over a month ago I’ve become extremely irritable and angry along with some paranoia (overall dark energy, feels like everyone is a evil and conspiring against me, need to keep my guard up and can’t trust anyone). For the first couple weeks I could barely sleep and also didn’t feel the need to. I assume this was just a withdrawal symptom because eventually I could sleep normally again. I still go back and forth a bit now, like 2 or 3 days with minimal or no sleep and feeling great, then sleeping a ton for a few days. But I’m mostly sleeping normal now. I’m not eating, like I forcefeed myself something minimal in the evening once I feel nauseous and my head is pounding, but that’s it. Overall I feel super on edge at all times, like I’m constantly a moment away from going ballistic. My senses and emotions feel like they’re turned up 400%.

I know I’ve felt this way before, it’s all very familiar, but I can’t remember if this was my “normal” state before medication or what. Like I remember having very heightened states that almost always felt good, at least for a while. And minimal sleep was consistent throughout the “episode”. This doesn’t feel good at all, it actually feels very bad, and I’m still able to sleep. So I don’t know what this is.

Monday to Friday I'm up at 7am, it's gruelling until I get out of bed and then I'm fine.. if I sleep till 9:30 on my day off, I'm so fatigued, bad mood, day feels ruined!. Anyone have this? Can't have a lie in without feeling guilty

(BACKGROUND) My car has been broken down for a week now due to a blown gasket that I caused (go figure.) It turns on and will run fine for approximately ten minutes and starts giving out on me again.

Anywho, I decided to drive out tonight to DoorDash knowing I had this issue. I was really looking for a cheap thrill after gambling my money away. Sure enough my car gives out to me not even halfway during my first pickup but I still make the delivery. I attempted to drive home although it shut off on me at a left turning light. At this point, I'm not surprised but I still somehow don't care that I'm out alone on the street at 11PM. It didn't even bother me. I'm kind of laughing at the situation at this point...

I called my boyfriend and tried to get him to make light of it with me when I knew he probably thought I was batshit crazy. He's trying to go to bed since he has work at 7AM, asking me if I needed help although I almost deliberately asked for this to happen to me.

Now I'm home and I'm reviewing the situation like... "wtf?" Does anyone else have these quick realizations or even present ones, mid-episode? I know I'm an idiot for this, but in my defense, that's just the illness. I really need some help which is why I'm going to consult with a therapist in a few days. Wish me luck.

I just want to talk about some basic day to day type stuff. Things that my "bros" do/don't fully understand.

I started meds around 5weeks ago anfter getting my bipolar 2 diagnosis. And yesterday it was like all the voices in my head has gone on holiday. I didn't like it and it made me feel off an dizzy. Is this anything anyone else has experienced? I tried to keep busy to give my mind something to think about but iv spent my life with a busy brain and I started to freak out abit.

Thank you X

Or I guess any illness. Like for so long I thought how I lived and thought was normal till I met with a professional for a little bit and came to realize I’m living life differently. And then when you go through extreme moments you realize how your friends don’t have the same thinking process as you and you just envy them? I’ve accepted there’s nothing you can really do about so many things with bp/mood disorders but like damn, sometimes I wish I didn’t know there was an easy version of life out there when I’ve been stuck on hard mode this entire time.

What’s your go to self care activity? Share it with the community.

So I was in a depressive state with all my medication changes and really feeling bloody awful but yesterday I finally got my 15mg of Abilify back and I was up at 6am today, I went for a walk and I have been chatty and happy for almost 2 days now. I wish my doctor never took me off it. It’s a game changer.

I don't even remember what I did 2 days ago 😭

It gave them munition, made them avoid me and use it against me.

I was the same person before. There were the usual trivial conflicts. Now they try to hide me, they feel both embarrassed and entitled,just like my father had flaunted me and bragged about me since I was a child (felt like a circus monkey: "look what my monkey can do, he's better than your monkeys"). Didn't help that some teachers would write in their reports that I was very capable but lazy and irregular with my homework.

I wish I hadn't helped them (my siblings) in their times of need

Note; I live in a small town in an island in a country were mental illness is still very much a taboo

I can't stand it any longer, I want off

Anybody else feels this?

I am wondering if this is a bipolar 2 thing or if other people experience this. I feel like I have no sense of my identity. It’s like I mimic the people I am around. Overall, no clue who I am and it’s been messing with me

After my first and only manic episode one year ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2. However, after spending time in subreddits and other self-research, I'm really confused as to why I was given BP2 and not BP1. I experienced psychosis during and I was hospitalized for it. I was diagnosed when I got out of the hospital by my university psychiatrist, who basically wasn't there for any of it lol.

Now, I know official labels don't really mean that much, it's moreso if one's symptoms are being treated correctly. I've been taking daily antipsychotics since the hospital and have had only 1-2 very minor (hypo)manic feelings since, so I guess it's mostly been kept at bay. But would there be a benefit to being "correctly" diagnosed? I feel like keeping the bp2 label is going to reduce problems down the road (shoutout to ableism and stigma /s). But I also don't know if I'm screwing myself over by not getting reevaluated.

Would appreciate hearing from anyone, especially if you have personal experience with being misdiagnosed as the "wrong" bipolar type! Thanks :)

Edit: Thank you everyone for your replies (in this sub + r/bipolar)! Based on people's responses, I'm gonna go with my gut and just keep it as it is (as long as I don't get another manic episode..).

Just came out of a 3 week long depression and now I literally feel fine. I don’t feel euphoric or even overly happy. It’s times like this where I question if there’s even something wrong with me in the first place… how can anything be wrong when I have these moments of clarity?I’m just not sure about anything at all.

I started a new med combo in August and I haven’t had any symptoms since the end of August!

I can’t believe this is what it’s like to be normal. I feel genuinely happy for no reason a lot of the time, but not an in unhinged way. It’s so beautiful.

I just appreciate being alive so much. I’ve had moments of sadness because I had a bad day or something bad happened, but I haven’t had a breakdown or struggled to get out of bed and I’ve only cried once. I used to cry every. single. day.

I used to think about killing myself multiple times a day, too. I haven’t thought about that once. I can’t believe I ever wanted to end my own life.

I used to think my life was awful and needed major fixing. My life is the same it has always been technically, but I’m completely content with it now. Sure, there are things that I’d prefer to change, but I feel lucky to wake up and live my life. My life is actually not bad at all, it’s great. I have a great life.

I’ve had so many failed med combos and it took ending up in the psych ward to try this one. I’m not bitter about that stay, it saved my life.

Just making this post to say that yes— it can happen. With the right meds, you can be stable.

Recently, I was told that people with bipolar disorder tend to be more likely to become obsessed with situations or people. Looking back I can see where that could have been a thing but am I just reading too much into past situations or is this actually a thing?

I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 last year in March 2023. I was hospitalised for suicidal ideation and mania after being prescribed a SSRI for depressive symptoms. Since then, a lot has changed for me. Getting good psychiatric help has been key. I’m currently in med school and I’ve had to accept the limitations that my disease has put on me. That means putting the brakes on when the depressive symptoms hit and pressing on the accelerator again (but not enough to crash) when the hypomania hits. Even though medication and therapy have been amazing in managing my illness, I do often find myself getting trapped in the same cycles. I keep reminding myself that progress isn’t linear. It’s more like peaks and troughs on a graph with a slightly upward trajectory.

If all of this seems like a rambling of thoughts from a hypomanic student who should’ve just slept at 12 am instead of lying awake on reddit at 7 in the morning, you’re right.

I feel a bit depressed that I didn’t sleep at 12. My therapist has taught me to identify my cycles and not to keep repeating these mistakes. I have exams and I have yet again wasted time.

Today I will sleep at 12. Progress is not linear. Sometimes it’s peaks and troughs. Sometimes the peaks are just sleeping at 12.