Little bit of an insane post

I’ve noticed that whenever I go into a depressive episode or experience symptoms I go back to specific albums, songs and bands, like my way of thinking while depressed leads to me wanting to listen to these specific songs and bands

Anyone else experience this?

i have been in a manic episode for 2 weeks + longer, 2 weeks ago is just when i realized it. i haven’t been sleeping, eating, and my hygiene is getting fewer and farther between days. i cut all my hair at 4 am a few nights ago. i then spent a ton of money on drugs, dyeing my hair, and uber eats because i can’t make myself go to the grocery store. i have bursts of depression fits during my manic episodes, and these last two weeks have been full of sporadic and seemingly out of nowhere mini depression episodes within my manic episode. does anyone else experience this and if so, what do you do? i feel so alone, i don’t need to talk it out i just need advice. yes i am currently looking for a therapist, unfortunately my insurance sucks and i have very specific needs both related and unrelated to Bipolar. my self harm thoughts have been at a record high, i’ve been almost a full year clean and i don’t want to break that. i want to make it to at least a year. i picked up the blade but i fought my thoughts off before i relapsed.

TLDR: mini depression episodes within my current manic episodes has drained me to the point of thoughts of self harm again, and i need advice.

I lost a necklace today and had a fight with my friend and the world seems to be crashing down on me because of these seemingly trivial things

I just started lamotrigine last night after being diagnosed with bp2 this week.

Idk know if anyone else had this experience- but I want to share how I’m feeling rn in hopes that this is normal. Or maybe I’m sick.

But basically- I feel kinda clear headed. But my body feels extremely heavy and lethargic. I feel like I have sand weighing my down. I feel like I can’t move or function. Glad I started this on a weekend if it’s this- but I’m wondering if instead I’m sick.

Or is it my nervous system finally relaxing?

Hey guys I have a GAD and MDD diagnosis right now but my psychiatrist thinks I had a few mixed episodes in the last year but probably a medecine induced slight hypomania. Soooo its confusing.

I was doing a bit better for a few weeks and now all of a sudden I'm feeling going doooooown : cry all the time, spend my day in bed doomscrolling or trying to sleep, no motivation, no interest in anything. Can MDD have ups and downs like that ? How does a bipolar depression feels to you ? Is it different than unipolar ?

Thanks

Anyone else struggling with lamictal dreams rn? Super vivid, usually not great but also not usually full nightmares, easy to actually remember (and before lamictal I usually never remembered my dreams for more than seconds after waking up)

Had three dreams where someone I love (someone different every time) has gotten hurt or killed, multiple about being hated or excluded by my group of friends, and some just… completely random, as dreams can be.

I know they’re just dreams, but I feel like they’re f***ing with me. Actually reached out to each of the three people to check on them because they ruffled me so bad.

Anyone else have these??

I’ve realised I’ve slowly lost all purpose. I don’t mean any massive mystical meaning of life stuff or anything, but I have no goals or aims in life anymore. I used to, but my confidence and executive functioning has been eroded so much over the years, that all I aim for is to get through each week in as little pain as possible.

Stuff like bucket lists, career goals, ‘would like to do one day’ type stuff. It’s literally all gone.

Performing well at my part time job and improving the department is the closest thing which is kinda pathetic, I get no recognition. What a pointless fucking life eh?

My counselor and psychiatrist are ambivalent about whether I have cyclothymia or BP2. It's frustrating for many reasons, but I'm trying to be less bothered by it as long as if doesn't make that much of a material difference.

For those whose psychologist/psychiatrist are also unsure, or whose diagnosis has changed from one to the other, or those with family/friends who have varying diagnoses, etc...

When might it matter which diagnosis you're given?

I'm thinking in terms of how mental health professionals treat you, medications, insurance, social stuff, etc.

What’s your go to self care activity? Share it with the community.

Does anyone notice that their episodes are driven by relationship changes? Or relationship changes trigger episodes? When I was with my ex husband, I considered divorce a year before I did it but the actual decision was made within two weeks. I separated from him and became hypersexual during that time, then about two weeks later he gave me an ultimatum that we talk about our issues then or we got divorced. I told him I choose divorce and he told me to take all the time I needed. I thought about the decision for 24 hours and made the decision the following day. Afterward, I continued with hypersexuality. My next relationship I suspect was hypomania as well, because again, I had the hypersexuality (although idk if that’s what I would call it, maybe two times per week?). I also would spiral when we would fight and just have panic attacks? Then with my most recent relationship, I was with him for 5 years. We went on vacation together for the first time. He proposed when we got back. Three weeks later I was posting nudes on Reddit and sexting with men, boyfriend-style (romance and sex). I ended my relationship with him and a week later bought a ticket to meet one of the Reddit men in another country. I question if those are bipolar episodes though.

I want to start by saying I’m not looking for a diagnosis. I plan on bringing this all up to my new therapist in a few weeks. I just wanted some other opinions on this. In the past I have been diagnosed ADHD, and with Anxiety and Depression. During my ADHD diagnosis they did throw around the idea of me being Bipolar 2 but we never looked into it. I’m not sure if I’m ADHD or just depressed or bipolar. I started new meds recently so I’m not sure if this is just me being happy or hypomania but these are some of my symptoms:

• periods of being extra social when usually I’m a big introvert

• sometimes feeling I don’t belong here, I belong on some grand adventure somewhere else but not actually putting any action into these thoughts, just consumed with the idea.

• Periods of going to sleep super late night and not even that tired when I go to bed only bc I get bored

• Hyper sexual at times but it goes through phases of multiple times a day of sexual activity to only once a week

• Sometimes not feeling hunger cues so not eating much

• Substance abuse issues in the past. Drank every night for about 6 months when I had barely drank before

• 2 years ago had bad depressive episode, sh (only once maybe twice) by scraping knuckles against brick wall. I also had to call of work bc of hours of sobbing multiple times during this period.

• Maxed credit card out 2 years ago on weed and alcohol

• Extra irritable: little thinks at work people say annoy me more, sounds I don’t want piss me off more, I get so angry to the point I get the urge to punch myself or something

• Brain is never ever quiet I always have a MILLION different thoughts going on at once. Even when I’m just laying in bed.

• take long naps after school and then stay up super late alone in my room.

• I never had plans/actions of suicide but I have always had random thoughts of what it would be like if I wasn’t here anymore and how nice that would feel. Though I know I’d never go through with any plans.

-One time I was so dead set on getting a tattoo I went to a sketchy part of town to get it done. It was in the evening and dark and the tattoo artist was hella sketchy offering to smoke weed with me at his place. I still went through with the tattoo though because I was so set on getting one that day.

So I'm so dumb. I keep going on the cycle of screwing up my life and I don't know If I can actually ever stop.

After my last pycicastist appointment I didn't make another appointment. He said he would order a refill for me of my Zoloft, but it never went through.

So I ended up running out, and tried just taking my old SSRI that didn't work as well.

I have so much going on in my life right now too. I feel like I'm barely holding it together. Like the biggest stuff I keep together, but like relationships, self care, keeping stuff clean ...is like all falling apart.

I just don't find anything interesting or appealing except work right now.

I know I'm doing this to myself, but I do t know how to stop doing it. It's stimple to just stop butI just can't. I don't understand other people who go through life just doing the thing. Sometimes I feel like just getting myself to work is a monumental accomplishment...other times I'm disappointed I don't know way more than I objectively ever could.

I'm sorry I just don't have anyone else to talk to about this.

He was with me when fiance left, when diagnosed. He's on my safety plan. He was why didn't kms cuz who's gonna feed? Animal control didn't come, so I had to put in trash and was so scared imma break his legs and.....I'm afraid I'll fall down again and get depressed vs mourning. Idk

Wtf does rapid cycling feel like??? Is it within a day, a week, a fuckin month?!

My brain has been switching on and off, depressed to hypo for like 2 months now.

Yes I have bipolar 2 but this isn't normal for ME I am on meds and have been for 2 years, I don't feel stable ever. Last night I was sobbing, curled up in my bed thinking about writing a suicide note (nothing bad happened yesterday btw...) now I'm dying my hair at 11 pm because yay fun colors!

I fucking hate this stupid disorder, I wish it just went away on its own, I don't want meds, I don't want stupid therapy or a stupid fuckin psychiatrist! I don't want any of it, I just want to be normal for one goddamn day!!!

I hate when my friends have to ask if I'm okay every single morning. I hate that I can't even stand in a crowded room without feeling like I'm running out of air.

None of this shit makes sense, I feel like a lobotomy would be better that living with this bullshit where I'm vividly thinking about my suicide but a minute later I'm thinking about what pretty colors to put in my hair.

Fuck. Bipolar. Fuck. This. Shit.

I have friends and I socialize but I just feel detached from everyone and that I’m different than everyone else but in a bad way. I feel like I can’t be myself around anyone

I feel like no one truly knows who I really am. Just feeling very odd today and out of the loop.

Who has tips/advice about spending? It's the worst thing about this disorder for me. I end up draining my accounts and spending thousands (my last episode it was $7k and of course I have nothing to show for it).

Any advice about how to manage spending while in an episode or how to prepare for an episode?

Or just advice for how you manage your money/budget everyday.

Please I'll take any advice you can give me.

Both my sister and I were diagnosed a few years ago (her first before me) and I've been a lot more successful finding medications that help me improve. She's had a lot of trouble finding the right medication where they either just won't work or she gets a ton of side effects. She's been depressed for most of the year and I am having a hard time being supportive. I try to talk to her regularly and not give her too much advice (she hates that), but I can tell having so many failed attempts at treatment is taking its toll. She just finished a round of TMS that she felt did nothing and it sounds like ECT they only do when you're deeply suicidal. She said they might want to try ketamine therapy, but feels exhausted doing so many appointments after the 30+ she had to do for TMS. Is there anything I can do to be supportive outside of calling her regularly for a check-in? We live somewhat far away (2hr flight) and I know a surprise visit would piss her off.

Has anyone had to suddenly stop Naltexone? I’ve run out and won’t be able to get a script until Tuesday- 3 days away. Should I expect any withdrawals?

I have seen, on this sub, a lot of people with bipolar disorder seem to be very successful, have strong careers, can juggle all sorts of amazing things and/or manage to have children etc.

As a 24 y/o I feel completely hopeless and lost. I was diagnosed 2.5 years ago and I’m still not in a place where I can work, all of my friends have careers and I cant keep up with the expectations at all. It feels like I’m just not trying as hard as other people and chastise myself for that and vow to change, but when I attempt to move on with my life -re new things-, I end up back in an episode and then rinse and repeat. I rapid cycle hypomania whilst being depressed 80% of the time.

I’m not as successful or adjusted/together as other bipolar people, and I’m jealous of that. I haven’t bounced back in the way I was told could happen. Before I got unwell I was barely functional and there was clearly something wrong. But now I’m just waiting around every day hoping that I feel good when I wake up, I feel like I’m just waiting around to die honestly, exercise is good but even that feels wrong, art is fun but I could never monetise anything I could do; there’s no redeeming thread left. I don’t contribute to society right now, I have one family member I’m in contact with which is just the cherry on top.

I wish my cards had been better and I can’t seem to restack my deck now that we’re half way through the game. Im not looking for advice, I feel I am mourning for knowing the chances of being successful and content are slim to none. I don’t have any dreams, my thoughts and feelings change too often to have a set plan with practically anything. All I know is I’m alive right now and I have nothing to show for it. Some people are beaming pillars of light who can juggernaut their way through life and i always feel in awe of their abilities. I shouldn’t be jealous because we all handle things differently but it seems I am doing something “wrong” to keep getting this outcome when I see so many people who manage and thrive and really make their lives magical

i made a post like a day or so ago saying i was using my hypomania to good use and then commented a hours later that i crashed out and felt like i needed a lobotomy. but i lied i am back yet again RAHHH🦅🦅 i came home and am deep cleaning my room yet again. im so hyper rn LMAOO

TUPAC BACK TUPAC BACK THATS ALL THESE BITCHES SCREAMING

I’m basically coming on here because I got diagnosed with bipolar 2 a little little bit ago and I’ve really just been thinking about it lately and I feel like maybe the diagnosis fits me but maybe it doesn’t and I’m scared it doesn’t fit me and that maybe I belong under a different “category” for lack of a better word. and I just wanna kind of figure it all out so that I can get the appropriate help/medication/advice to move forward with my life. I resignate with a lot of tendencies from bipolar, but it just seems like I don’t go on manic or manic depressive episodes for as long as most with bipolar I mean sure I’ve had some that have lasted a pretty good amount, but I feel like the longest average I have is about a week and some DAYS I can be both manic and extremely depressive multiple times within the same 24 hours.

also, if anybody has time for advice and they’ve dealt with this, I’m currently going through a huge dissociation stage. which worsens it all for me honestly and I’m just so out of touch. I feel like I’m floating above my body. the things that need to get done are barely getting done, if at all, and for the rest of the time I have, I’m just laying in bed or sitting in the shower and I just don’t even know me right now. I guess I’m just the person who always likes to know what’s going on in life, why this is happening, what to do to fix it. I guess I just look for any logical validation and I’m just really lost right now. What the hell is going on? my whole life I’ve been described as obsessive or over dramatic but like those random “obsessions” / people / or end of the world actions always were really so important/terrible/amazing to me and i would just get so heavily addicted to all of it whether it’s a coworker i hooked up with , a good book series , a tv series just literally everything under the sun. i also deal with rage issues (mostly revolving the things or people that i would be passionate about).

but anyways. i just found out i was being cheated on. and i’d be lying if i said i didn’t have my moment of rage and my moment of mania. but they were SOOO short lived like im talking an hour each if that. and now it’s like no matter what i do i can’t feel ANYTHING. not even SADNESS. like i said im just floating above while my body rots in bed or boils under the shower water.. just.. if anyone has any words. if you even read this far, thank you.

I’m starting to really cause damage to relationships that are very important to me. I have almost no friends anymore and the ones i do have only know the tip of the ice berg when it comes to my condition. My girlfriend knows the most about it along with my dad, and i’ve recently been insanely rude to her, i have an outburst on her or i will almost blame her for things going on and im scared of losing her because she is the one person that can keep me from losing complete control of everything. I will yell at her, mean mannerisms, and i make her feel like she is genuinely the problem of everything going on but i don’t want that and she isn’t. I haven’t been to anyone i can talk to in months and im thinking about just checking my self into a hospital, i have almost relapsed on opioids in the past week because of how im feeling, i’ve wanted to start stealing again, and i feel like all the progress i made is coming back to bite me and completely fall through and that can’t happen. i’m scared of what i will do to my self or others if this continues, but i can’t stop it no matter what i try and try to tell my self to calm down or not overreact but this voice will tell me over and over to just explode and let them know exactly what you’re thinking; even thought that’s not how i truly feel. i know it’s selfish to ask random people to help me when they barely know anything but like i don’t know what else to do and everytime i talk to my dad he can’t fully understand because he isn’t bipolar im just losing hope and i really feel like the next time i try to hurt my self in an irreversible way, it will happen. i just want to know if it’s in my best interest to check into a mental hospital or anywhere that will hold me until i can get better im just really scared and i’ve always just wanted to have a normal life i’ve never had a mother and lost my grandma four years ago and that was my only mother figure, she was my everything and as of right now the only thing that has kept me causing harm to my self is holding her shoes that she would wear and im scared if that stops working i think i will hurt my self.

I’m snot running crying and I need someone to talk to. I feel like I just wanna end it, can someone please chat?

I’m struggling so hard. I used to at least get hyper sexual when I was hypo but my libido has completely diminished the last couple of years. I’m not interested in being intimate with my husband and it breaks my heart. I want him to feel loved and attractive. We want to start a family. But it’s so fucking hard when I have absolutely no desire to have sex. I feel like a freak bc this is supposed to be the “fun” part of trying to start a family. But it’s crushing me.

I tried to get off my Lexapro to help with the libido. That was an absolute dumpster fire so I tapped out and went back on it. I’m on Lexapro, Wellbutrin and lamotragine. I’ve never been as stable as I am now and I am so thankful to have found a combo of meds that works for me in literally every aspect except libido

Idk. How do you guys cope? I really can’t change my meds, I can’t go through the crippling depression again, I can’t go through the uncertainty of not knowing if I’ll ever be stable again.

Are there any supplements y’all take to help with lack of libido? Maybe I need to explore sex therapy? I’m feeling desperate

Group therapy

Has anyone found a bipolar group that meets in person? Did you find it helpful? I just finished an IOP program this week but would like to go to a meeting solely for bipolar people.

If you have and you live in the Milwaukee/Ozaukee area - send it my way please!

Yesterday i was so easily angered. I'm not an angry person by any stretch of the imagination but every little inconvenience sent me into a blind rage. I couldn't find my car keys and went to the car to see if I accidentally left them there. When I saw it wasn't, I punched my car and screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs. Got back to my hotel room, opened the door, and threw something and snapped "I can't find my FUCKING keys!" And my wife was right there with them. I have never seen her look so terrified. She curled up and started crying. I felt truly awful. Not an ounce of happiness has been in my body and I just want to die. I can't wait to die.

I got my refill today though. Let's hope tomorrow is better. Please God let it be better. I can't survive another day like this.

I got diagnosed two days ago for have bipolar disorder, did a whole bunch of tests and life story and he now prescribed with medication that I’m taking.

I have been struggling with my mental health for over three years. On anti-depressants for a year. Seeing a phycologist for abt a year and a couple months ago she told me she believes I have Austism type 1. She said it was between autism and adhd, she read through the symptoms and everything and I felt very seen for both of them acc like it made sense to me. I could see thing from when I was a child making sense I felt like I had adhd more than Autsim. Anyways she could not prescribe meds bcs phycologist. So I went to a physiatrist, now I did not tell him anything abt me sessions with the phycologist blank slate he asked me for my life story in detail two one hour sessions and next appt he told me that I have a mood disorder. He asked my dad if bipolar sounds familiar and (this was brand new info to me btw) my dad said no but his uncle was schizophrenic severe case. And I new my aunt was on bipolar meds I had never ever thought I was bipolar to be honest I don’t really understand it I have done research. I don’t feel this mania thing? The only thing maybe I have if this counts is delusions I lucid dream every night and through out the day I can’t seperate dream from reality

I’m very confused I don’t understand this I don’t understand myself, I felt heard with ADHD thing it made sense. But I can’t remember any instances of being bipolar as a child (I could with the ADHD Symptoms) idk I’m so lost

i just got this one !! also my shower is my safe space don’t judge lol