The game started off with a bang, as Shohei Ohtani hit the second pitch out of the park. Unfortunately, it took 8 hours to end with a whimper.

After voters on Reddit's r/baseball, an online chat forum where teenagers around the US can share their expertise, chose Shohei Ohtani for their pick for every position on the National League Team, there was some question -- but mostly enthusiasm -- about how the game would go.

"GOATani is going to strike 'em all out, and hit a thousand home runs" Rowdy Chester Birkenstock, 6, from Kentucky wrote, referring to (what our research team at Fox 44 discovered) the legend that Ohtani has hoofed feet which allow him to steal bases faster.

"Can I please play too, I'll even play shortstop" questioned user TrevorBauerIsInnocent." While another, from Dayton, Ohio, opined that "this could be the most legendary moment of Shohei's career, he'll finally reach what the Japanese call Happīpankēki, or 'Nirvana of the Mind'" adding, "I know a lot about Japanese culture."

But once Ohtani popped out three times it was his turn to play defense. The problems quickly arose as he was unable to catch the ball he threw, leading to a cavalcade of passed balls, and players reaching base on a third strike.

By the fifth inning, the American League mostly just stopped swinging and opted to take the easier route. One brave individual, Jackson Holliday, 15, of Austin, Texas, was the exception. "I wanted to get that ball," said Holliday, "but I just kept missing." Holliday would account for 17 of the outs before the game was called in the 7th after Ohtani hit the backup umpire for the 52nd consecutive time.

Briefly speaking to the press afterwards, Shohei made a statement in English thanking the fans for believing in him, but added "I'm not a fucking anime" before walking away without answering any questions.

Can I petition for a WS Champ ring on his behalf? He started one game in 64. Team beat the Yankees in 7 in the WS. I’m in debt over my head and could really do with the cash. You think I got he has a shot at getting a ring?

As I'm sure you all remember I'm the guy trying to get a real investigation into the Ohtani gambling scheme by spamming r/baseballciriclejerk with what I believe really went down in the whole situation. If you haven't read it, I hope you will take some time out of your day and get caught up. I will attach a link in the comments.

So the other night I was laying in bed last night watching GOhantiAT highlights and the cutest first pitch in MLB history came on. Out comes ohtani holding his dog, the famous Decoy. Something about that name seems too convenient for me.

Let's go back to the winter of 2023. Ohtani has just entered free agency and the weight of Ohtani and Ippei's first truly life changing decision together was weighing heavy on the couple.

ippei loved LA and was really hoping to stay and grow their life together there. They knew LA, had a beautiful home in LA, a close group of friends and a bookie on speed dial that gave them whatever wack shit they needed to get off that night. Life was perfect in LA for Ippei and he didn't think the couple needed to change that.

Othani on the other hand thought the two needed a fresh start. You see despite being one of the "f-word capitals of the world" LA was still in America, and still controlled by the liberal elites. Othani knew there were only two true outcomes to their relationship in America. Either the world would find out about them and half of America would turn on him for being gay, or the liberal elites would find out and blackmail Ohtani into being a Diddy pawn like they did to LeBron.

Ohtani heard that Canada was full of French people so he knew they would be much more accepted up there if the sercet was to get out. He had also seen how the Blue Jays helped Bo Bicchette stay in the closet and figured they would be a great place to help keep the relationship sercet as long as they had to. Ohtani saw a chance at a real life in Canada.

Unfortunately neither side was willing to budge. The two were fighting so much that Ippei said he needed space and left a week.

Alone and unable to gamble, Ohtani boarded a plane with plans to go to the blue jays and close the book on his ippei love forever. That was until the plane had terrible turbulence and Ohtani thought his life was about to end. In that moment all he longed for was Ippei's warm arms. He immediately turned the flight around and vowed to do whatever it took to stay with his man.

Landing in LA he knew he had to make a splash to show Ippei he was serious. Ippei had always wanted a dog so Ohtani thought this would be the perfect time to fulfill this wish and start their little "family' together. He even let Ippei name him. And here is where Ippeis genius starts.

You see Ippei had a lot of time to think during his week away. He missed his love more than anything in the world but reality of things happening started to set in. Despite Ohtani believing they were good at gambling the parlays had started to get really freaky over the last few years and money was getting burnt quick. He knew things were going to hit the fan eventually and he also knew this love was so deep that he would never be able to stop him from taking the full fall. If he was going to get back with Ohtani he needed to start leaving clues behind in case the gambling came out before the love and he got thrown under the bus. then out of nowhere Ohtani comes by with his first great opportunity, a nameless puppy.

The plan was perfect TBH. Dekopin was the name Ippei picked. For Ohtani it felt like a true sign of their love. Dekopin was a fun little thing of flicking forehead Japanese kids do to each other and the inner kids of Ohtani and Ippei loved to goof around and "dekopin" each other. he followed it up with " we will call him decoy in English so Americans can say the name easier". He then leaked the story of the name of the dog having to do with where Ohtani would sign. Another thing Ohtani believed was out of love. In ohtani's mind that was Ippei's sneaky way of telling the media that the dog their first "kid" together and their fun love full of dekopin was going to keep them together in LA.

but you see, Ippei knew he would be the real decoy in the whole gambling scheme. So he picked the name in hopes that one day the adoption papers for the dog, with his and ohtani's name on it would get leaked and he would get recognized as the hero he is for taking the fall for Ohtani.

I just want a real investigation. #freeippei

Speaking from his jail cell, Mayor Eric Adams announced that the City of New York would be providing twenty million dollars towards mental health care for Yankee fans.

"No one has had to suffer like they have" Adams said, while a large man known only as Jimbo held his pocket next to him in the cell and a third, unknown, individual loudly defecated behind a thigh-high barrier. "Can you imagine it, winning the division, winning the league, the pennant, and making it to the World Series, but then losing? No, no, we cannot allow this." Adams added before briefly being interrupted by a corrections officer who told Jimbo to back off.

"Aaron Boone may be ranked 12th of all time in win percentage, but he doesn't know how to win" the Mayor continued after a brief pause. "And Cashman never gets any good players. These sorts of conditions are unacceptable for any fan of any sports team....... Never mind the fact that Judge is clearly washed."

When asked how the money would be used, Adams reported that "all seven million would be given towards mental health treatment, and promotion of the availability to help them get through this incredibly tough time. When asked where the funding was coming from, Adams quietly whispered "gobble gobble."

Finally, Linda Johnson of the Times inquired if there would be any support for Mets fans, the Mayor added "fuck those two eyed, no horn, walking purple burger eater supporters. They already know how to deal with pain," before quickly heading off to the jail cafeteria where reportedly cold square pizza was being served.

Hey there everybody, my name is Diamond Toseem, I am here to announce I am running to be the next chief —— Commissioner of Major League Baseball, in 2028.

As well, AskMeAnything!

A little about myself… I am 52 years old and spent the last few years marinating in the idea of becoming chief; for too long we have seen the degradation of our game as interest slides and advertisements rise. Families are being persecuted by exorbitant ballpark food fees; and the everyday drunk is being eaten alive by the prices of ballpark beer. $12 for a bud light? $18 for Shiner? Cruel.

Meanwhile. Blackouts are plaguing the waves. I have a very brutal plan to address this scourge against our fan and sport as to bring the national pastime into people’s homes across the land from New York to even in Japan.

So I said “yo what’s the BigDawg Diamond gonna do?” Then I responded to myself, “BigChief, it!” And so I am.

#BigChiefDiamond #ChiefToseem #ElectBigDiamondT

#AskDiamondAnything

Call me Babe "Killed my wife in a fire" Ruth

Is kamala harris the new post season aaron judge?

Not my post, credit to Bartolosmemes

Watching the Yankees choke in the post season making error after error in the field, on the base paths, and on the mound made me realize that they must have learned their form from Donold Drumpf (did I spell that right Libruls). Look at his form, and then look at the Yankees 5th inning of Game 5. You can't tell me the Yankees don't have dementia too.

We're not going back (to the world series).