Yesterday was horrible. I felt extremely suicidal and for a few minutes I thought it was actually it. I made it through and am feeling a little better. I'm going to therapy today but I'm so scared to talk about anything suicide related because I don't want to be locked up. If I can't talk about my true feelings, it's like therapy is useless. But I'm terrified of going to mental hospital again.

Due to the stuff that I told you about in my previous posts, one of my bosses decided to just go and fire me because I missed a day of work due to some medical stuff that sent me to the hospital for a day. I even sent him a video of me in the hospital, the video I posted here uncropped, and everything so he would know that this was serious stuff, but I guess he just didn't want to run the risk of me missing another day for health stuff haha.

The part that hurts me the most here is that I still haven't told my mom about this since I know she is going to cry, and I really don't want to see that, so I just spend most of my day after I got the news on a park bench crying or at the church until it's time to go home. The date doesn't help either since her birthday is only a few days away, and I told her I was going to at least buy her a cake or something else this year. I had to hold myself back so much so I would not just go and jump from the fifth floor I used to work on when I got the news, haha, and the fact that the majority of this happened because of $100, which I wasn't even able to spend since I got scammed out of those $100, makes me feel even worse on top of this.

What would you recommend I do here? I am running out of will and sanity, and I just want this to stop some way or another.

I’m 26. I moved out of my parents’ house almost 2 years ago after a 6 months depressive episode with the promise that I was going to get my masters degree, that it was good for me to be in a big city with so much to see.

Almost 2 years later and here I am. Dropped out of uni and can’t even find the courage to tell my family because I can’t bear the thought of disappointing them. I work 2 days a week which is barely enough to pay my rent. Spend the 5 remaining days looked up in my flat, napping, staring at the ceiling or scrolling mindlessly on TikTok. I am so fucking lonely. Which is stupid because I have friends, amazing friends, who are becoming incredible people just before my eyes. I’m not jealous, I just don’t want to burden them with me. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going with my life, and I don’t really care at this point. I don’t even want to think about it.

Lately the suicidal thoughts came back. They never really left, after all they’ve been lingering in the back of my mind since I was 10, but they’re getting loud. It’s “you should jump” when I open my window or wait for the metro. It’s “swallow them all” when I look at my meds. It’s “cut your wrists” when I look at my razor. I cannot help but think that honestly, I should listen to these thoughts. The world wouldn’t miss a fucked up failure like me. It would be a better place without me

Hello everybody, a couple of months back I made a post about 5 months ago saying how I was suicidal. My life back then was clearly not the best and I had actually planned to commit suicide this year on April 5th, but as you can tell It's over a month later now and I am still alive, and in a much better mental state. I sought out therapy and all of that, didn't need to go on any meds, and I'm doing great, amazing! I've been getting pretty decent grades, couple A's too. So yeah, this is just a short little update on my life so far. Hope all goes well for everyone reading this comment and is suffering through something. Know that you can definitely get through this no matter what. <3

Hello my name is August... I am 16 years old. I want to disappear. I know some people might be like "oh why your so young". I'll tell you why.

My first suicidal thoughts was in 5th grade. I had this "bully" (air quotes beacuse I kinda feel like I was equally mean). I would threaten to kill myself. I dont know why I would do that. But I've always felt that's the way out.

I startes to self harm at 10/11. I used to use thumb tacks. Then at 13 I started to use razors I was so very scared of the blood. I started to like the bleeding around 15. And at the beginning of 2024 at 16 years old I was cutting deep enough to need stitches. I ended up getting clean for two months then I relapsed last Friday.

I was sexually abused by my mom's husband. I was also assualted and raped by people. It hurt me and it made me more suicidal. The sexual abuse started at 8 years old until I was 13. Even at 16 I still get harassed or sexually assualted.

My first suicide attempt.. I was around 13/14 and I had taken pills. I was sent to the hospital after having to call the cops on myself for a overdose. I ended up attempted many more times. I ended up myself in 5 mental health hospitals/ behavioral hospitals.

At 16 I started to smoke weed a lot more. Slowly realizing it wasn't enough. I ended up taking anxiety meds with smoking. It makes me feel really tired but also very good. I still currently do this.

Here recently I've been struggling a lot more. I've been wanting to do other things been looking in people's medicine cabinets trying to find something to take my mind off of everything. I've been failing classes barley even showing up. I've just been wanting to sleep. It's starting to hurt more and more and I'm scared because 2007-2024 doesn't sound long enough.. Im scared to die but it feels like I'm dying.. I don't know what to do.

Today and yesterday were difficult days for me; really trying my best not to hurt myself.

I called the suicide line last night and I called it twice today because I wanted to cut myself... The people on the phone were friendly and talked me out of it. Iam glad I called them but the one person I thought would be worried or care just doesn't seem to give a damn...

My bf is off work and school, we tried to resolve some issues we had this week and today we had a good conversation but it also somewhat triggered me and I couldn't control my emotions and on top of that I got into some other sh*t personally. I didn't tell him about me crying and being triggered because dating someone with depression can be hard and he had already expressed being exhausted dealing with my depression. This is all through text. I called the line because I felt helpless and alone. I dont want to be a burden but also seek support.

He seemed busy and at some point and then he said he will talk to me tommorow (at 6 pm) because he's gonna hang out with a friend.

I didn't want him to leave and blurred out that I called the suicide line today... He didn't reply after an hour to ask why and I didn't reply for 2 hours because I fell asleep because my eyes were swollen from crying.

When i woke up; I didn't feel good because he didn't double text or call and called the line again because the urge to cut came back, the line was occupied and didn't call again.

I texted my bf that I was sorry for ruining his night and wished him well.

He said sorry for being busy and said goodnight.

I just feel like a mess, I don't want to trigger him with my mess but I also need his support or something that makes me feel seen.. But then again I need to get out of this myself,I just feel like a burden to everyone that I love...

I have for a long time kept myself going on the notion of not wanting to hurt my family by my passing. But I'm so tired. I'm 33, I started out scared of my father and my community because I was gay, and hated myself. Only to realize at 19 that a lot of those feelings of dysforia and dismorphia came from being trans. Fast forward to 30, I've struggled to stay just barely afloat in this fucked up world, by taking well paying jobs that either tear you apart mentally or physically. Because of that a little more than a year ago I got real sick and between FMLA insurance screwing me and my apartment screwing me I became homeless and had to get picked up and brought home to live with my parents. Now I'm working at Walmart, barely fighting off the debt from my medical bills and vehicle, and 33 living with my parents, I have nothing but my family, my health is not good at all, and I look in the mirror and still hate myself, hate my body, hate that I'm 33 and have achieved nothing, I haven't even started transitioning beyond growing my hair out. I just want to give up, I'm so tired, my soul has been sapped, my creativity wasted, my ambitions a laugh track, I want so much to just crawl into a hole and pray that someone lets me start over. Even knowing that won't happen I wonder, are the days ahead of me worth suffering for? Is it right to stay alive just to not be a burden? Even though by being alive in this current state I'm also being a burden? Am I still providing a net positive by being here? Is there a point in going on if I'm never going to be happy?

Hello, my last post here was about suicide I don’t remember but now my life is finally over. The next time I am home alone I will be dead and I am making sure of it, I have given up on everything but I have kept my life normal apart from summing it all up. For some reason now that I have confirmed doing it I’m so much happier than before, sure it’s ups and down but the ups feel like I’m high. I don’t know what that is and it makes me reconsider suicide but I am going through with it.

Goodbye reddit, and to everyone I hope you guys all make it through safely and don’t go through what I do.

im 24 and went on a trip with my family to bali (from new zealand) and it's only been 2 of our 14 day stay and this anxiety which i forgot i even had is out of control. i knew i always had anxiety but i guess now agoraphobia too and that combination of being in an unfamiliar place has skyrocketed my anxiety. the trip here realising i would be away for 2 weeks in some place i didnt know sent me into a panic attack the whole 10 hour flight, it was hell and now being here im crippled, 24/7 anxiety and panic, im trapped in my own personal hell.

this all probably stemmed from the last 2 years being super depressed and basically living in my room 24/7 so when i got out of my "safe space" i couldn't handle it

im trying to think positively but i just keep spiralling and keep thinking about ending this pain by suicide. i told my parents all this and they are going to book me a flight home if i decide, i haven't yet but i just keep crying feeling so embarrassed. im such a mess. why must i be so fucked up mentally?

So I've been struggling with the threat of getting kicked out of my house for the past months, and every time I've gotten so close to getting kicked.

Today, my mom found my lsd. It's over, I'm getting kicked. If I do, tonight's gonna be the night I hang myself

I have nowhere to go, no friends, no family, nothing. Im dead either way, and I just turned 18 half a year ago :(

I can’t go back

She’ll never know

The memories I had

They’ll never grow

The plans I made

Continue to fade

From every color’s shade

To a jet-black spade

They’ll never get to see

What was meant to become of me

What I could’ve done once free

And what was meant to be

I wouldn’t have had it any other way

Until that fateful moment 3 years ago in May

Our first moment together shared by the Bay

Was my first and last best day

Saved by her Amazing Grace

Having won my hardest race

Eyes resting on an angel’s face

All to go to fucking waste

If the Climax of his story was denied

And they all questioned if he really tried

His greatest love no longer by his side

Would it really even matter if he died?

It’s just pure loneliness. I don’t feel like I belong in this world and I am here to spectate. I lose motivation for my hobbies, have nobody to talk with, VC/FaceTime with. Fuck my shitty social life.

I had someone on Reddit legit just add me on discord and immediately unadd me for no reason after “wanting to be my friend.” I always wonder what life would be like if I just ended it, fr.

The morning after i killed myself i woke up. I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels. The morning after i killed myself i fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe i still existed. The morning after i killed myself, i walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace. quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine. The morning after i killed myself, i went back to the neighbors yard where i left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication. The morning after i killed myself, i watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother. The morning after i killed myself, i went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach. The morning after i killed myself, i tried to unkill myself, but couldn't finish what i started.

(copypasta but it helped me)

Im done. Not with life. Not with others. Not with myself. Not with anything. Nothing has happened to me to justify that im done. But i am. Everywhere i go, anywhere i am im just watching, spectating. The glasses i wear are like TV screens and life is just something that i dont part take in and just watch and listen. I have no voice, no opinions, nothing. People are ahead of me. Still in college, but its not working out either. Everyone is younger, full of life. Dreams. Goals. Those who don’t, im sure they will one day. I have no goals. I dont see myself succeeding in anything. I cant see myself amounting to anything in the future. Cant see past someone who just works for the ones that are more important. Even finishing college wont change it. Whats the point. My family says they dont expect too much so as to put no pressure on me. Not doing good in class because even though i pay attention, cant when im alone. Feels like i cant do anything unless im told to. Years of addiction has put me, any type of progress for anything behind and i dont think my brain is good enough to pick anything up. I talk big game when im with other people that i gotta do this and do that to change, be better. I never apply. I dont even set it aside for tomorrow, i just set them aside for the “future” whenever that is.

Im not unloved, i have so many that care for me. But i feel like that makes it worse. The way i am is not what im supposed to be what someone who is loved and cared for is supposed to be like. The last two friends i had made only looked down on me. I dont remember anything good thing they have said about me. They questioned how i am and how i carry myself. Im not the normal one. Even people i dont know say the same thing. I must always look sad. Angry. Annoyed. Boring. Useless. Pushover. Soft. Hard. Judging. Dismissive. Uncaring. The stupid choices i made is like im spitting on the people that care about me and helped me. One day they will see who i am. Truly. They have a hint but they will give up when they do. I wont be anyone worth helping because they tried. Death is not an option. Im not suicidal. Even if i do end up killing myself, there are people that will die inside because of it. Then I’ll be really hated, despised, what a disappointment.

Never had a person to call my lover. All these years im still single. Most people my age had already been through everything. They know what they want. I get my hopes up too high even when someone looks my way. I feel like i have low self esteem, but the moment someone is nice to me, look at me, or is even next to me im somehow convinced they like me and i just need to make a move. I never do because thats probably never the case. This high horse thinking is not good for me and too egotistical so i avoid them, dont look at them when they glimpse at me because thats me trying to convince them im not that egotistical. Its ok, im not. If i avoid you then im not a creep and Im also not making assumptions. There is no true love anyway. Its just momentary affection. Everyone gets tired of the other. Most people cheat anyway. From what ive heard. My parents are seperate. They have their own families and im a small connection that keeps them in contact. I grew up mostly with my mother. Great mom, strong and moral. We talk sometimes and share out feelings. We know each others troubles. But she doesnt know me deep down. Nor do i know her deep down. Still was a shock to hear she has cheated when she was still with dad. They had moved to a whole different country. Would have been a strong and beautiful love story but never happened. Im happy dad has children he can be proud of the way they are. Two kids with full of life. More importantly they are brothers with a strong bond from what ive seen. I could never get to know them for the brief year i had lived with them. Im not someone to rely on. I dont know any advice because i was never asked it. Its better for them to not know me. They for sure have an assumption on a loser i am. I dont think ive given up on myself, i think because whenever anything troubling or hard comes up, i dont get nervous, i dont get anxious because i know somehow i will always get above it. Or is that naivety from someone who has not seen life yet? What is it to see life? What kind of hardships, experiences do you have to see? Everyone has seen it. Everyone who is justified in being sad, depressed and hurt has a reason they have. They either go over it or dont. Either way they are justified. I feel like a baby next to everyone else that has experienced anything. I feel terrible for thinking like this but ive never grieved, never loved a former stranger, never gotten heart broken by anyone, never been betrayed but im still paranoid, im an pessimist and an optimist at the same time. I think im more of a realist. And the reality is that if i keep staying the way i am, my future is nothing. Its dark, nothing happy, i will really fall into depression. Then Itll be justified how i feel. I havent done anything, i wanna do something. Even the job i have amounts to nothing. Im learning nothing. Im already at the age i should be grinding. Whatever that it. I dont know what i should be grinding at the same time i do. Am i still just a child? Am i just scared of life? I dont see the point. In anything. But im not suicidal. In some way i wish i was. Then i will be justified to ask for help. I need a therapist, but its too expensive. Or do i not want one? I want someone to talk everything about without any constraints. I want to know what it feels like to be loved by someone who didnt even know who i was yesterday. Im lonely but im not alone. Nothing im doing is right. I know the right things to do. I know what to try hard on but i dont. When i do, i quit before i know it. In the eyes of a stranger im a forever angry, u approachable bundle of joy. Im told i even act like that. Noone is actually interested in the other person’s story. But everyone’s story is interesting to me because it has events. It has trauma. It has growth. How do people stay smiling? How are people happy? How do people find it in themselves to show how they feel? How do they say what theyre thinking? How do people communicate? What even are the social norms and queues everyone knows about? Noone is interested in anything i say in my head. I dont like talking about myself. I like to hear what people say. But then i feel like i have to have responses to everything they say. Its tiring. Im done. Am i done? What am i saying? Why do i feel this way? I have no direction. I have no goal. I feel like i need someone to tell me. Hey, do this, do that. After, then what? Im not venting about anything but everything. I dont have the right to vent. Nothing is going my way. But because of me. Even them i dont dislike myself. I feel like i should. Everyone goes through this. Keep it together. What im saying is shallow. Im shallow. I must just be insecure.

This has been the case for 2 years now.. Whoever you love and care for at the end just distance themselves from you.. All i care about is their happiness and it is sad to let them go as well but i have no other option

Everyone hates me All i try to do is make others happy and not create any issue but at the end it somehow breaks and for them I become a loved one to a stranger all of a sudden..

This with other tensions in life such as career, family blend in

It's too much to take atp... Just ending it soon.. Just too much

Complete failure 🙏

You're more than you imagine Life is amazing if you give it a try

Recently have been considering suicide. I am 19, I have made a lot of mistakes. I feel dumb even putting this out here because I know people have experienced much worse and I have only been alive 19 years. However, this is my situation: Growing up my mom claimed to have post partum depression. I remember vividly being a kid and begging her to get out of bed and play but she never would and I would end up coloring or entertaining myself. My dad was a business owner, property management to be specific. My family wasn't desolate by any means and I don't even have a slight understanding of how owning a business works but we certainly weren't rich, normal 3 bedroom 2 bath suburban house with a pool; middle class. My dad was hardly around because of this, and even when he was he was taking phone calls and never terribly present. I never heard my parents argue when my dad was around and all things considered I had a pretty good childhood, friends in the neighborhood who I was always outside with doing normal kid stuff. My parents and my friends parent all drink alcohol and I would often experience groups of loud drunk partying adults, but nothing terrible. Then, when I was around 8 or 9 my parents divorced when my mom cheated with my step dad. I was led to believe it was financial issues and that my dad worked too much until about 14 or 15 when my sister explained that my mom cheated with my step dad and step dad with his ex wife. This caused a major rift in my mom and I relationship because I felt like not only was the truth hid from me but my dad was a good guy. Although he was overconsumed with his work he always treated my mom with respect from what I saw and just worked often. Sadly, to this day I have never really discussed how that has affected me to my mom and the lack of that uncomfortable conversation has created more resentment. And my mom has always been the "I can do no wrong"/"Everything Ive done for you" type. Granted, I was never physically abused other than spankings or normal discipline and I hate to sound like a victim in any scenario or a victim to my parents because they have sacrificed a lot and nobody's perfect. However, now that I am older I realize that these things affected me way more than I was able to grasp at a young age.

I played little league growing up, from ages 3-13. I was a chubby kid and my parents didnt put a whole lot of resources into making me a true athlete. Which may have been a good thing because I always had fun playing baseball and I wasnt that bad at it either. And when I was really little I remember saying how I wanted to be a MLB player when I was older and my grandpa replied, "Better have a backup plan" or something along those lines. Major blow to my self esteem lol. Then after a coach who didnt really see much in me, and my lack of ability from really just having fun with the sport and not doing anything other than showing up to games and practice and not much outside of it. I gave up, girls and having fun was a lot more important at the time to me, I was in middle school lol. To this day, because I still have some athletic prowess and really a passion for sports, I regret that decision because if I knew better, or had the right guidance, I could have applied myself, played in high school and whatever. But I know you cant focus on those things. Regardless, instead I devoted my free time to friends and girls. Now, I am an unemployed, unmotivated, passionless, stoner on the verge of homelessness (Ill get more into that)

My parents when they split, moved an hour away from each other when my mom went to go live with my grandparents. I only saw my dad on the weekends and because I was in school in the city where my mom was, I often wanted to be there on the weekends to hang out with friends so although my relationship was good with my dad I didnt see him as much as I should have and all this, now that I am older, and with social media and constant comparison, I just feel inadequate, due to the lack of fatherly guidance. Kind of been feeling like I was put on this Earth to make other people look better. Regardless, my step dad didnt care much for me, he saw it as I had a dad and I didnt need his guidance. Nor did I ask for it. And we have always had a rocky relationship because I would often defy the "rules" I guess and they came down hard. But I am sure this has caused some of the emotional issues I struggle with.

Fast forward to high school, I didnt really have a terrible experience. I had friends, a few different girlfriends (nothing crazy serious). However, after an on and off relationship that I believed was love ended for a multitude of reasons, and I lost my closest friends I did attempt suicide, and I haven't really had a serious girlfriend since, just a lot of "situationships" as people on social media put it lol. But I swallowed a bunch of my moms anti anxiety pills and woke up to paramedics and my mom crying about how I wouldnt wake up. Got took away in an ambulance and told them it was just me trying to catch a high so I wouldnt get baker acted or whatever the term is, fortunately I did stop after all this happened and I have made a vow to never touch another pill again (I was 14 at the time). This is also what I told all my "friends" and I even lost quite a few because I would show up to school high off the pills, and there is a good segment of beginning of high scool that I just dont remember. The "friends" that I did still have smoked weed and I would often use them as a supply. This of course made things worse for me mentally. And I was never the type to open up about stuff so weed was always my coping mechanism. Then corona hit. I used to believe it was a good thing for me because I started going to the gym and to this day it is the only thing that really brings me joy, but thanks to social media I am just in constant comparison and I really feel more insecure than when I first started. Regardless, when corona hit I dropped everybody that I knew in highschool and befriended people that I was closer with in middle school. Unfortunately, all these people loved weed just as much as I did. But at that time, I had really went in on improving myself, positive thinking, and all the shit you see that tells you how to be a content person. And it worked, because shit I was a 16/17 year old with no real responsibilities or bills other than weed and gas, with hopes and dreams still I guess lol. And what was cool at the time I had a restaurant job with all those friends and I was able to buy an 03 camry which I still have to this day.

Fast forward to graduating high school. My junior and senior year was kind of stripped from me because of corona, and I just barely got by in online school and I was able to graduate 6 months early. I got into community college on a promise program because of corona and I ultimately ended up dropping out. Another regret. Now, I hate the term bullying, but by definition it is the strong attacking the weak, and while I hate to see myself as weak, I am certainly far from the strongest, and these days some would argue I am far from even being strong at all. But reason why I say this is: I ended up getting a job at a gym, standard gym for weight lifting. Previous to this experience, I always considered myself to be a cool guy who was rather personable. My job duties were to tour people who were new to the gym and show them around and whatever. But I had to stick out like a sore thumb. And maybe I was too egotistical, arrogant, whatever. But there was a punching bag in this gym and I sought to learn how to defend myself. And, like I mentioned earlier I was a chubby kid, so I was always kinda scared to put on weight so I leaned down to 135 and I am around 5 foot 10. I was benching 185, squatting/deadlifting around 200 and I was in decent shape (I know thats not terribly impressive). But I had never participated in combat sports nor really ever got into a fight because the words my dad told me when I was young: "violence is never the answer". This made me unfortunately passive but I was never bullied in school or picked on because I had a decent personality, I was good to people, and I knew who to hang around. However, my ego got the best of me, and this one dude who would always hit the bag and visibly knew how to fight, sought me out. Mind you after getting to know this person he was a seriously damaged individual based off what I was told. hurt people hurt people like they say. Regardless, he did teach me the basics of fighting, and I dont know if anybody else can relate to this but before you ever really get into a fight, you kinda think you can, hard to explain. But after hardly learning the basics he suggesting sparring. I guess I had a hard time assessing the risk because I was naïve, didnt know much about combat sports, and had an inflated beginner ego, and I really kinda wanted to see what I was made of. Keep in mind, I have been stoned almost 24/7 since 17 years old, I am even kinda stoned right now and this is a huge contributer to any anxiety or depression I have been facing. I say this because if your thinking damn what a idiot, Id like to think I have an excuse lol. But, basically as you can imagine, I got fucked up. A couple times. Punched so hard I was seeing stars a couple of times and a lot of decent punches that I should have never received because I was a beginner going against people with years of experience. All at some random ass fucking park. I know im a fucking egotistical idiot for doing this but as dumb as it sounds I really thought I was the next Mike Tyson lol. I even dropped out of college because I thought my life was gonna completely consist of training to be a professional fighter and working at this gym (I know im a idiot but after doing all this I had to put on a very courageous and strong front so people didnt see me as a victim, and really at the time I didnt even see myself that way, and to this day I try my hardest not to). I always fought back but it was hard to land a punch and what was cool is I did get to spar against a dude with the same level of experience and I guess you could say I won. (I have video proof in case anyone's interested lol) but this dude was still way heavier than me, and he couldve been going easy, and trust me my performance is nothing to write home about. But this minor meaningless win really doesnt compare to the shit I got from dudes way bigger and way more experienced. And when I try to think positively of this whole experience I really see it as a lesson. And I doubt I have brain damage, I took quite a few punches and I even remember when I was a kid I got my 2 front teeth knocked out as well as me getting knocked out from walking behind a baseball bat when a kid swung it. But since this I havent been the same. I still am "training" and learning to this day but I guess you could say I got humbled hard. However, before all this I never really thought about fighting or violence, I was a chill passive dude, at least so I thought. Now, I just feel like a fucking joke who thinks they can fight but really cant and I really cant help but size people up and this makes it hard for me to hold eye contact, which has made it hard to get a job or really build any new relationships (I know its weird) but I am still not a violent person and I would never attack anybody or extend my hurt onto others. On top of that bullshit there was a girl I liked, she was probably a little too old for me and I was in over my head, but we would flirt and I thought there was genuine feelings. She went on to get with my boss lol, and I ended up getting fired. But I never had the balls to shoot my shot cause I really liked her and she was probably just messing with me or using me so I cant be mad. Still hurts though, but I get that from girls a lot. But I realize now that she never really liked me, in fact I thoroughly believe that the people at that gym were just intent on bringing me down. Because to be fair I had an ego man, and I was confident. I was exercising, making money, and going to school consistently. But I ended up having rumors spread about me, completely inaccurate ones and my reputation amongst the "friends" I had left was tarnished. They all looked down on me and I was just teamed up against. In fact, these "friends" switched up so fast on me, probably due to the fact that I stopped buying weed off them, and I always had kind of an ego prior and maybe even to this day that people didn't respect, I mean Im not really someone to look up to yet I kinda expected that in all my friendships so I dont really blame people for wanting to bring me down. But shit just sucks cause in this world you gotta have an unbreakable confidence if you want to do anything significant, and when I do everything I can to get on the right path and do the right things and have that unbreakable confidence, people are sure to make it be know that I am not shit and I am tired of it bro. Family included.

Fast forward to now, I have one friend, and I am not even totally sure he is my friend. I have no job, applied to over 100 places, done a few interviews, put my best foot forward and nothing. Also, the one job I could get through referral was a fill in job as a pizza delivery job for a week and on the last day I was bit by a dog. Not long after I was in a car accident. Regardless, my dad sold his business when I was younger, ended up getting a comfy corporate job, he recently was let go. And he moved to Boston with my step mom. My step dad has been in jail for the last year and has a couple years left. In case your wondering I was always told he was an "accountant" so I am lead to believe money was stolen or something I dont really ask questions. But my mom (who I am currently living with) because of this is forced to move in with my Grandpa. Also, when I was around 16 my grandma passed shortly after being scammed for 5 grand and this of course had its affect on me and still does to this day. I still have a strong dependency on weed despite it ruining my drive and motivation and my parents of course look down on me as if I were doing heroin, so after being kicked out and forced from parent to parent and friends houses because of weed throughout my teen years , my parents have officially given up on me (They were only able to tolerate it when I was doing the right things like having a job, school, and whatever else) and I am not able to stay at my grandpas, so I will be forced to live in my car. I understand and I am not resentful, but its all just too much and maybe I am just weak, but I have no one to talk to and therapy is expensive and after just an endless stream of self hatred and regret here I am. Currently addicted to self pity, nicotine, weed, video games and porn and on the verge of homelessness. As embarrassing as it is but I have just given up and I have about a week left until I officially have to get out. Im still looking for jobs and going to the gym in hopes that I can get myself out of this but I turn 20 in july and have been planning that if things dont get better, I will more than likely purchase a gun and end this shit. I have just been feeling lost, hopeless, tired, and beat down. The world has officially beat me down, and maybe rightfully so because I am nothing but a fucking loser at least thats the way it sounds in this shit but I guess its all up to me which is just so much fucking pressure for me idk man, life might just be too hard for me man. And now, whenever I go anywhere I just feel like I take a lot of shit from people for whatever reason, However you know what they say you look for red cars youll see red cars and my guard is just fucking up. So to anyone reading this wish me luck and I appreciate you for reading all this and I hope it helps with anything your dealing with. And like I said in the beginning, there is people who have been through a lot worse than me and if they can manage to make it through hopefully we all can. Best of luck to all of you

NSFW Warning

I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.

I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.

There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.

From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.

I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.

The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.

I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.

My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.

I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.

I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.

I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.

I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.

I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.

I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.

Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.

Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.

I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.

This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.

One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.

But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.

It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.

The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.

I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.

The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.

From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.

When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.

When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.

When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.

When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.

There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.

All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.

Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.

I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.

At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.

At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.

At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.

At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)

By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.

By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.

At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.

I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.

I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.

And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.

All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.

I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.

I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.

I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.

I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.

My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.

My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.

Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.

I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.

My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.

The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.

I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.

My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.

She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him.

Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.

I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was q9 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.

I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.

I was also desensitised to other things slide gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).

The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.

I could never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.

I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.

I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.

I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.

I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.

I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.

The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.

All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.

The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.

I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I'm trying to get therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.

I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.

I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.

I want to identify with good people, but I can't.

Recently I've even tried to convince young people not to set themselves up to be exploited online.

Every good thing I do is invalidated now.

I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.

I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.

If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.

If you have read through all of this, thank you.

What is the point of waking up if every day I do nothing. Literally nothing. I used to enjoy video games - not anymore. I used to watch movies - not anymore. I used to like reading - don't have energy for that. I used to like writing stuff - don't have motivation for that.

I don't really see why I need to keep going. I feel bad when I'm alone. I feel even worse when I'm around people who don't understand me.

Deathloop is the right word for my condition, I guess.

I don't know what to do.

Along the way growing up, I’ve been called “FAT” multiple times by family members like my grandma and my dad, both of them who literally raised me up. Calling me fat is one thing but they also always complaint that no one’s eating the meals they cook so I had to eat more to make them feel better. They’re always giving me more food and getting me to eat more which I cannot defy or I get a lecture on defying them.

Back in December 2023, I began to self harm and cut myself as it was the turning point when my grandma scolded and yelled at me for a little incident that could’ve been anybody but it’s ALWAYS MY FAULT.

Fast forward to Feb this year, my uncle committed suicide. April this year, my younger brother also committed self harm and he suffered from voices inside his head which is telling him to do things which is a mental condition but instead what my grandma say, she said that my divorced mom is USING my brother as a pawn to play my dad’s feelings and hurt the family.

How SICK is that seriously …. Now I can’t even speak up cuz if I do, she’d accuse me of being a pawn by my mom as well. I am so mentally drained and I really can’t do this anymore. I have attempted suicide before and I swear I’d do it again soon and I sincerely hope I’d succeed and relief myself of all these … messed up shit in this place. Maybe if im gone, maybe if im no longer around they’d have one less FAT teen to care about.

I just never told anyone about it. I really held it in and it weighs on my mind a lot. I would say it would be the most serious I had tried in my adult years (22f), all other run-ins with this particular action was when I was a teenager. I thought I had been doing better, and I am. I just wonder if this will ever go away, or if I'll just have to try my best to live alongside it. (BPD, MDD, GAD, social phobia) I know in my super sensitive heart that there's hope out there for all of us. I just wanted to get this off my chest. (If this doesn't get approved I'm sorry, mod(s), I'm not trying to be weird or offensive in any way)

I'm terrified I'm about to take a bunch of clonidine, lyrica, xanax, zopiclone, atarax. And 375 ml of whiskey to wash it down. I've already take 7mg xanax in preparation to give me the nerve to take the rest. I'm scared and in a dangerous situation. I'm in an abusive relationship in a foreign country with no way to get home and my family unfortunately cannot help. I also don't have authorization to work here which means I have no money of my own.

9 days ago I took a similar but smaller combination of the pills above. However it wasn't enough. Woke up 12 hours later with a headache and kidney pain that went away about a day later. No hospital visit. Bf didn't seem too concerned when I immediately told him what i did and brushed it off as attention seeking behavior. He then yelled at me for trying to make trouble for him. I was too ashamed to reach out for help from anyone else.
My mom's a cancer patient. I havent got to see her in almost a year and all I want is to see her, hug her and tell her how sorry I am for being a bad daughter and that I love her.

I want to live but in my current situation, death feels like my only escape.

I have no friends to talk to. I need help.

I am a 20 M, have been struggling with the suicidal for 3 years on and off, but 2024 has been the worst year I ever faced. Every thing is just going away. My bestfriend since my childhood passed away right in front of my eyes, love of my life broke up with me for another guy. Don't have any friends left. Parents decleared me a total failure in life. Tried finding love I came clean about the past mistakes she is pulling away. Do I not deserve love? It's been 4 months I am thinking dying is my best option. I just don't wanna wake up tommorow morning. My chest hurts thinking about my life. I have started to enjoy the pain atleast my mind is diverted. I am an academic failure, romantic disaster. I am just waiting till my misery ends. I have found ways to end all this, I haven't found the courage yet.

I have one more year left at my PWI and I just hate everything about existing as a black girl.

for the last couple of days everything has been exploding. im at rock bottom, all of my friends are miserable people who make me miserable, i fear that my boyfriend will abandon me at the drop of a hat, and my academic performance is doing nothing but putting more pressure on me. i don't know what to do. i've been battling suicidal thoughts for a while now, but they've never gotten this bad. i'm so tired that i just want to end it all

Anyone else struggle with doing rash things because “I’ll commit suicide anyway” but never follow through? I’m making so many bad decisions for temporary gain even though i know they’re bad because i’m so tired of feeling like this.

i have around 40 capsules of venlafaxine 75mg and 28 capsules of propranolol 10mg. i wanted to check how much time it would take for it to kick in to an irreversible death. i know that it could take up to 24 hours and i even have like a list of what’s probably going to happen hour by hour

Initial 1-2 Hours

• This would be the most critical window for gastric decontamination (activated charcoal, gastric lavage) to try to remove unabsorbed drug
• Supportive care must begin immediately - airway management, IV fluids, anti-seizure meds, etc.

2-6 Hours

• Many severe effects like respiratory depression, hypotension, arrhythmias will be rapidly progressing
• Venlafaxine can cause initial hypertensive crisis before cardiovascular collapse

6-12 Hours

• High risk of fatal complications like refractory shock, ventilatory failure requiring intubation
• Serotonin syndrome, organ damage from ischemia and toxicity will be worsening

12-24 Hours

• Multi-organ failure, metabolic derangements become likely
• Without intensive treatment, severe brain damage or death probable

Beyond 24 Hours

• Survival becomes less likely as complications compound
• Those who do survive face high risk of permanent neurological damage

my question is how long i would need to be alone for the damage to be irreversible and unsavable basically. would 24h be enough?

I've been thinking of killing myself more often than not for the past 3 years and I still haven't done it. I have no idea why. I have nothing to live for, things have only ever gotten worse for me and it's literally impossible for me now to have a life i'll be happy with. But I just can't go through with hanging myself or jumping off a bridge everytime I try to do it.

I'm seriously considering committing a crime, something that will give me years in prison or just doing something embarrassing that will practically be guaranteed to make the news or go viral on social media so i'll have lots of motivation to kill myself. Either from fear of going to prison or fear of humiliation.