Is death really so bad? Is life really so great? Do people enjoy living? If so I don't generally understand it. I been completely fucked since the beginning. I can still remember all the fear I had inside that dark closet as a small child. I feared everything and everyone around me. Everyone was so mean to me because of the ADHD I have which got me into trouble on a daily basis.

But hey no worries I got to live with my narcissic dad afterwards. He forced all his problems and issues on to me. Don't do that normal kid thing it will make you werid. Here I'll buy whatever I want so I can I live the childhood I wanted threw you. You want to play the guitar no you'll play drums because that's what I want. Also for sports you can play soccer or nothing because that's what I want. Why are you so werid? I hate you for being weird.

Maybe this why I stared masturbating when I was around 6 to deal with stress. I also got into fights, trouble, and sent to the front office on a daily basis thank you ADHD. It was really hard for to empathize with anything my mother destroyed her brain with drugs and I had my dad. Maybe this I torture all this all animals till they stared crying around this age and I also killed that puppy.

I started feeling depressed when I was 10 and I developed anxiety around 11. Thank you dad for making me afraid of the world and everyone in it. Also thank you for expecting me to be a good student without you putting in any effort. Maybe that's why I got expelled from that STEM academy for poor performance. The undiagnosed inattentive ADHD probably didn't help ether. I also had several teachers give up on me.

There's more alot more. I destroyed this body mentally, physically, sexually. The only thing I have left is a broken soul. I had a dream where I talked to God apparently the only reason I'm not dead now is because he felt so bad for he gave me a blessing. Life has been nothing but awfulness.

I never develop in any normal healthy way or achieve any milestones. When your whole life has been terrible is death really so bad? I'll probably go hell afterwards for the all sins I committed. My hands are completely stain with them. Plus after talking with several clinical psychologist and psychiatrist. It turns out I have a psychology similar to Jeffrey Dhamer. Why not just kill myself before I turn into a serial killer.?

My ex of 1.5 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago and my mental health has been rapidly degrading since. I had undiagnosed depression and anxiety (diagnosed only after the breakup) which got so so much worse. I knew something was wrong with me before, but blamed it on the monotony of life and that I was just bored. The heartbreak must've triggered it, because now I can't function without pills and struggle with suicidal thoughts every single day. Barely eating, forgetting to drink water, can't even get out of bed. My whole body is in pain. I'm in a living hell and I'm not sure how to escape it. I've been going to therapy multiple times a week and stopped going to school. I stopped being sad, now I'm just... numb. I can't feel anything. I've never felt like I need to kill myself this much.

Is it only those who were loved in real life that are welcome here? Ah,No one has ever rescued me from abuse in real life. "I laughed at the thought of you being abused." One adult said. It's too late. I am clearly not welcome in this world. I'm really looking forward to our little excursion to the jumping off point, but I deny everything about myself and think, "It sucks to have feelings of fun.

TW: Disturbing n morbid things, details of attempts.

I have been suicidal for few years now, shortly before the pandemic. But lately i had began to engage more and more in fulfilling my morbid curiosity and destructive desire of watching and learning about crimes, graphic accidents and war killings....along with pictures and few videos.

It messed me up for few weeks, i wouldn't say it gave me ptsd, as my mind protected me by dissociating when looking at graphic stuff, not feeling as though its real or they were once real people (sorry if it sounds insensitive but ik it will actually traumatise me if i try to turn on my emphathy side and acknowledge them as real so i didn't, i just numbed myself)

Still, it left an impact on me that haunted me for few weeks. I didn't get any dreams or nightmares, if i remember correctly, but i was fucking paranoid as hell, whenever i would go outside or be in a car, and my heart would randomly start racing. I would be eating or finding a reel funny and stuff like that would randomly flash in my mind.

I also repeatedly went through dissociation and derealisation cuz it felt so strange that the flesh and body i was in was so fragile, that people did so much for its sake, to keep it strong and healthy but it could in an instant pulverise one day n nothing could be left.

Anyway as much as these stuff had distressed me, it also weirdly made me more vividly aware of my surroundings. I remember when i watched this stuff whole night till it was morning. Then when i got up i had a new awareness of stuff around me. My heart raced n my stomach felt tightened. How nice the sunlight felt, how green the trees outside the window looked, how nice n comforting it was to hear my cockatiel chirp so loudly n happily (normally it annoyed me how loud he was being in the morning) and i wanted him to chirp more and more. Like a new appreciation for life. It felt like i had come back from surviving a war or a car accident.

After a day, my mother, who herself is suicidal, had a huge mental breakdown over the phone, and unlike previous ones, i was strangely calm, and usually i am not good at dealing with others emotions or conforting, nor do i have strength to use words, but at that time i was able to have a long chat with her n calmly talk her out of it.

One of the after suicide images had especially unnerved me, the way the once alive energetic human being now lifeless, unmoving, headless, like an object. Their life had just ended like that. Cut short. Over. End of story. It was not completely disturbing, but smth in me was distressed a little.

I used to once be resilient n full of life, despit my childhood circumstances, before i was suicidal, and whenever there were moments, like a particularly strong turbulence in the plane, i would pray to not die. Not cuz i was afraid. I didn't cuz i wanted to make use of most of my time and energy here. Use most of my talents, and thoughts and all the stories i had, n not take it to my grave uselessly. Im a writer and a STEM student. I wanted to leave some kind of positive impact, not necessarily directly helping or for sake of humanity, just in form of new research or finding or some kind of art, like poetry, novel, story, comic, movie or animated show. Growing up in a hostile environment, alot of these arts comforted me, both in entertainment and characters and the tragic n beautiful stories.

Its one of the many reasons i haven't done it yet. Other reasons are that im afraid of failing n getting crippled, as well as being punished in the afterlife cuz its a sin in my faith. Im also a coward, as i thought of and half attempted - i wouldn't even call them attempts at this point cuz they were so half baked - stuff like trying to choke myself by long scarf, ingesting shampoos, random concoction of medicines, eating pesticide powder once, randomly crossing roads hoping i would get hit, thinking of jumping many times. But im a coward, im afraid of suffering n knowing that im about to die, so i just hope it happens suddenly without me realising. I would spill water hoping i would slip n hopefully die. Sometimes i was so tired i wanted to sleep for a month, im a loser so instead of necessarily dying i hoped i could go into a coma at least so i would be able to rest n time would pass without me, hopefully till i would grow old or smth, or die later.

Anyway after indulging in morbid n disturbing stuff for a few weeks, i temporarily stopped having suicidal thoughts. I still don't feel like living but now im stuck in a limbo between not wanting to die n not wanting to live either.

Currently i am in a quiet environment where there are no triggers so im just depressed n anxious but not actively wanting to die, yet. I do still hope i would pass away in my sleep, n especially get smth like thanos snapped out of existence, cuz the thought of leaving behind my dead body disturbs me for some reason. No, being cremated isn't the same cuz they would still have to handle it, load it onto vehicle n take it there before it happens.

Its been almost a year since this happened. I have now tried to direct my energy to getting help. I had no professional help or diagnosis. Im hoping to save up, and after i graduate, go to a psychiatrist or wherever u have to go for this.

Anyway, i absolutely DO NOT condone what i did here. Please do not look to such things, either as a cure or further mental self destruction. The trauma outweighs the advantages.

I have no one left. I just can't stand being alone. This will be my first and final post. I have everything I need to do it. Goodbye.

i’m scared of death ngl. but tbh sometimes i’m aware that if i clock out. then shit wouldn’t seem so bad and i won’t have to put up with anything. i am lucky to have some happy moments in my life. i don’t consider myself the rule but only the exception. i try not to have best friends list. it’s not me. i have thought about it but even then it’s hard to find a peaceful way to do it without inflicting pain. another thing id hate happen is i get into an altercation with someone. i feel ppl want to do it cause perhaps their life is shitty and this is the only option.(ppl say if you’re having a bad day there’s someone worse…i wonder whose got the worst of them all )some do it to be free. others to get back at ppl. in the end no matter how many times i wanna try i pussy out. i ain’t shit

I’m depressed and lonely

I can’t stop thinking about ending it

and the best part? you all would be encouraging it if i explained myself. you'd be overjoyed if i did it. 100%.

i have it all planned out. every day it gets more tempting. every day the reasons to just do it get more and more numerous and pervasive. a looming threat telling me to do what i have to in order to make the world a better place for everyone.

nobody will regard me fondly in a year or two. i don't want to be alive by then.

So much loneliness, so many people alone, it doesn’t have to be that way. There’s so many of us out there, if we just all tried to band together, maybe we wouldn’t be so alone.

I can't even fit all I want to say here. I'm 24F and my story is complicated and messy. I have diagnoses of OCD, Body dysmorphic disorder, depression, anxiety, the works. I experienced some trauma in high school with close friends, and I feel like I will never get over it. Some of it was my fault, some of it was theirs, etc. Alot of arguing and falling out of friendship. It impacted the rest of my life. College, post college, relationships, etc. I have been in and out of hospitals due to suicidal thoughts and feeling disgusted with my appearance. I literally hate myself because I feel like I'm choosing depression. I'm depressed because nothing has been happening my way and I can't accept that. It's just selfish I know. But I feel like I can't accept anything the way it is, and I can't have any faith. Every time I try to accept something, I feel like screaming and crying and going into fight or flight mode. What is wrong with me?? I don't want to die but only because my family would be sad. I would not be here without them. I have an anger issue and I feel like flying off the handle at everything. God I hate myself. And yes I've been to therapy. It's so expensive and I'm so broke. Any advice helps. Thanks.

Why am I trying so hard when nothing I do leads to any positive outcome? Why is it I feel so alienated from everybody? Why is it I never achieve any lasting happiness? Why is it that everyone who I've ever come into prolonged contact hates my guts? Why is it I can't be consistent in any progress I make? Why do I live outside of simply being afraid of dying?

Anytime I think about anything even remotely in the future. Even things only a year from now, it feels like “oh, I don’t need to worry about that, I’ll be dead.” I don’t have any concrete plans but it’s getting harder and harder.

Bye bye

.

My family owns a business in the tourism industry last 2021 and I have been miserable ever since. I hate it. I can't sleep and eat. The business is eating me alive.

I never even wanted it to open in the first place. I cannot tolerate criticism. I lash out whenever I hear something that attacks me and the business. I bash my head on the wall due to the stress of my family's business. I'm pretty sure I can taste blood whenever I do it. I'm on therapy and medication but it doesnt seem to work.

I never even wanted it to be opened in the first place anyway. I hate that my life had to revolve around the business. I will never escape the reality that the rest of my life is tied to that business. I hate managing businesses. I don't want a job that revolved around taking abuse from entitled customers who can't read. My family never even bothered listening to me. I hate capitalism. I hate money. I hate that evil, greedy bitch who insisted it to open.

I begged them to reconsider. We're facing shit tons of legal issues. The neighbors are out to get us. They never had a contingency or business plan, and now I face the consequences of their lack of planning, even though I never wanted this business to exist in the first place. I had to fix shit tons of papers and documents and I'm sick of it.

My other relatives who encouraged my mom's business to be open are either too busy or they won't bother helping me out. They are only interested in the money and clout. I fucking hate them as well.

I can't remember the last time I had a vacation. The fucking business requires my time and attention 24/7. I have no friends, no support system, no hobbies, and nothing makes me happy anymore because my life has to revolve around the business if I want it to not fail. I wish it never existed in the first place.

A lot of problems came up and it wasn't foreseen because my mom was too excited about the prospect of making money. I hate reading horrible reviews. I hate being exposed to the public. I hate interacting with people. I harm myself whenever I read bad reviews. I confronted my family about this but they just shut up and stonewall me. They do this because I'm mentally ill and they think I'm having my episodes. I'm tired of being not taken seriously.

I have fantasies of hunting down and everyone who left bad reviews in the business. I feel like a horrible person for wishing their deaths over something so petty. Maybe I am a horrible person. Maybe if I do something and snap, people will finally pay attention.

I begged my mom to not push through with it because a lot of problems will come up and I know that I had to be involved in every single one. My problems keep on piling up. There are legal issues everywhere. The neighbors are out to get us. I pray to god everyday to take my life in my sleep because of the mess I am in. They never listened to my concerns. They never took me seriously. They think I'm just background noise. It's cruel.

I just lost my dad this year. I cannot grieve properly because of the business. I'm very busy I don't even have time to grieve and fix the settlement he left. My mother, my sisters and I are fighting over the estate. My life is in shambles. No one has been checking up on me. I'm jealous of my sister because she has so many friends to comfort her. I don't have anyone, I just have my responsibilities and the business. My family only talks about the business. It invaded my life. I wish I'm the one who went, it should have been me instead him.

My childhood was no cakewalk either. I grew up abused, molested and bullied. I had no friends growing up and I never had a luxurious life my family prioritized earning money over everything else. My worth as a child is dictated by how much I can earn for the family.

I legit cannot remember a time when i was genuinely happy. I grew up thinking that my life would be better but I would end up being a cog in the machine only powered by fear of failure and criticism. I am trying to escape but the only thing that is keeping me from here is the business failing. Everyday I fantasize about suicide but they want me to stay. It would be too inconvenient to plan another funeral.

Moving out is not easy for me. The job market is shit. My job applications are snubbed. I have a professional license and a bachelor's degree. The job market is very competitive. No company would accept someone who is unemployed but is doing slave labor for the family business. Rent is up and I cannot afford groceries. Moving into another city is unsafe for me and as much as I want to cut all of them off I cannot. They will find me. So it's either this for the rest of my life or suicide. And they tell me that I have to be grateful for it but I just want to shoot myself in the fucking head. It's either this or the streets, and I don't fucking know what to do.

I'm too attached to the business. The business dictates my self worth. Every negative review is a personal attack to me. I never wanted it it exist but I can't leave it either. Every negative review is fuel to my unending desire for revenge. I will hunt them down. I will make them sorry.

I wish it was easy for me to be free. I wish I had vacations and outings and weekends off. I wish I had a family where our relationships do not revolve around the business. People would see what I have is a blessing and an opportunity but it's a prison. It ruined my life, hindered me from having a social life, and it took my freedom of choice away. I feel like I only exist to fill a role.

I do not want advice. I want to vent and for someone to listen. I want to feel sorry for myself. Please let me allow to feel sorry for myself. This is my reality. As long as that business exists, this would be the rest of my life. If I do not find a way out soon, I will have to end it. My mental health is down the drain and the urge to end it is getting stronger every day. I feel like my cries for help are being drowned out. I want to be free. I'd rather be free.

I think about them every day. Never knew it would be them. Really makes me wish I would have done it first maybe they would still be here. It’s made me hate myself more than I already do. Still I don’t want to put more of that weight on my family. I really want to seek help but procrastinate every time I try. Be there for your people. Don’t push those people away because they don’t understand how you feel. I know it can be a lot to deal with but most of them really just want you back to your old self. They may seem harsh but the truth is a lot of people deal with this, most of them are in denial because we were taught that showing emotion is weak. So they tell you don’t be weak. They tell themselves they won’t be weak. That may be their mentality now, but eventually you might have to be the one to help them.

Be a better person than you were yesterday, be a better version than you were today, for tomorrow.

i’m going to get really drunk and then i will get high.

hurt myself until i’m crying from the pain.

tonight could be the night.

i just don’t care anymore and nothing seems to matter.

once i’m gone i wont even be conscious to know what happened.

On November 30th, I was currently outside, playing with a stolen lock I took from school. After I broke it, I opened the door, went back inside, and I saw legs in the air, it took me a moment to realize what happened. I went to my dad and told him what happened, he was freaked out like I was and he shoved me away and rushed downstairs. He yelled my stepmothers name 'Katherine!' then he called my name, so I got up from the floor and rushed over there. My whole body was shaking. He told me to grab a knife, so I went upstairs and grabbed a kitchen knife and went back to the basement, he was holding her body up, and luckily I was tall, around 5,6, so I go to cut the Internet wire she used as a knot to hang herself. After that I called 911, and started freaking out again. They then took her to St. Boniface hospital, and after like a hour we went to visit her. She looked at me and said thank you. And I thought to myself, 'The butterfly effect is fucking real. If I haven't stole that lock from school, my stepmom would've been dead.'

To explain my situation in simple terms, Im 15 and I think I might be a lesbian pr bisexual oe something like that. Homosexuality is a sin. I dont want to go to hell so Im gonna kill myself soon. I think about it alot so I think its my best option

If it is it’s trauma I’ve put myself through. I always kinda thought that trauma was something that happened to you not because of you. If someone were to ask me if I was traumatized I think I’d say no because I have nothing to point to that happened to me. But I certainly fit a lot of the criteria for it.

I had tried to kill my self once and failed, the cut was not deep enough.... I don't know what to do anymore, my thoughts keep on killing me from within so and then I am recently finding out about this subreddit, I wish to get better mentally cause I am physically completely fine

✌️

<3

I really hope I can finally do it. I'm so tired.

im privileged and i wish i could just give my fortunate life to someone who deserves it because i cant appreciate living at all and i just want to throw it away

I just want to find someone like me, someone who loves me and someone that I can love. I want to live away from it all, off grid. I hate this capitalist echo chamber, nothing ever feels real and I've never longed for anything else. With my countries constant state of financial crisis, it looks like it's far away. I live in Australia, it certainly could be worse, but it's never looked so bleak, the chances of me accomplishing what I've longed for.

i feel relieved, i can live out this time that i have wisely. maybe happier now that i know when it’ll happen. now i just have to figure out how. preferably somewhere nobody will ever discover my body. out in the woods somewhere. probably with a gun or a rope. i’ve already had this idea of me dying under a tree and just rotting into the earth, fully decomposing. hopefully it comes to fruition. i’m not sorry i’ve decided this for myself, i won’t change my mind. i’ve got a couple good years before it’s time. so it’ll be okay. my family will just have to deal with it, my “friends” will have to deal with it. but i won’t, and that’s easy enough said. but i still feel guilty. i don’t want to cause any trouble to other people, i don’t want to be a burden even after death. so i’ll just hide my body away. it’s the only way honestly and that’s okay with me.

I know this is horrible, but I have been so suicidal lately, but could never bring myself to actually harming myself because I have three kids, with a fourth on the way. However, I keep hoping something will happen to me during child birth so that I don't leave in a "selfish way". I hope I snap out of this soon, because I know my emotions can affect my baby.

(18 F) Im really not. I already figured by now I will never be normal and deserving of love and NOT burdensome enough for a real relationship. for an actual boyfriend or girlfriend, even though I've never had one. but jesus christ I cant even do casual sex right. I cant stop myself from getting my feelings involved and ruining shit. I cant stop being a fucking stupid piece of shit. I've had relationship type experiences in the past that have left me wounded, hurt and betrayed. the funny thing is, I can really pull. like I could go up and find myself some crappy guy who will treat me like shit quite easily, cause that's all I attract - shit. it's exhausting. my mental and physical health struggles - especially childhood trauma make me such a fucking undateable person and it sucks, so hard. I love love, I love romance. I write, watch, and read romance. I told myself I will wait for love to find me, but I dont even know anymore. maybe I just don't love myself enough to be loved by someone else. but god does this suck, Im too broken for it

Just... thinking about doing it again. I got the means. Still gonna hurt like hell tho. I just lost 600 bucks to a stupid addiction I didnt even have 2 years ago. I failed. I have failed as a human being. I want to completely destroy myself and self-remove from this world. If anyone wants to help me do it, I have enough litium, haloperidol, clonazepam to fuck me up prettty good