I just feel empty. I’m 16f I’ve been hyper sexualizing myself since I was about ten, after getting SAd by my brother. I remember fantasizing over my cousins, watching p@rn, dressing skimpy and just being so fcking disgusting. Everyone was saying I would end up a teen mom or a whore and I kinda internalized that. I stopped for a couple years but I started again after getting bullied, just to feel wanted in some ways. I started sending nudes, talking to older men. Its like I put myself in the position to be groomed/SAd again. I even posted nudes and hundreds of ppl saw it(I deleted it a couple hours later). I just feel so disgusting, and like my body doesn’t belong to me and like it’s only purpose is to be used. Like it wasn’t bad enough, I get bullied and called a whore almost every day by a group of guys. I reported it and they just got warnings. I’m so tired I don’t even stand up for myself anymore. I can’t handle it anymore so I’ll probably just kms

This is hard to share. I've been struggling with familial physical and verbal >!abuse!< (dads' part of the family), eating, and >!self-harm!<. First two times were self-strangulation, third was attempting to bleed out, fourth was also the same as the first two. I haven't SH'ed in a while yet I feel as though I need it. If I don't then what was everything for. My parents are too strict so I'm not telling them anything + they won't take me to a therapist (Not even gonna try asking.) I don't know anymore. I also feel the constant need to starve myself and count calories then I eat a LOT and feel guilty.

Film industry is dead. Haven’t worked in 7 months. Ex cheated. Pregnant with AP baby. I’m tired of waking up in pain. Time to go home.

Yes I have dreams, but these dreams can only be accomplished so far in the future and all my problems r now, everything that's happening now has sort of.. just made me devalue Amy of the things I've dreamt of idk how to even put it, I have this one Friend who I used to dream of doing things w, having a future w her, us going to college tgt being each other's maid of honor and stuff like that but she left me, and has given me signs that she never loved me as I loved her That was a while ago but she still means something to me and the fact that she did that hurt me sm And recently I've developed a relationship with someone else that's lead me to believe that maybe I can have a future w her maybe, she loves me w no doubt and I love her too, I just wished that I were her best friend too Some of my friends left me cause of some stuff that impacted my time w them and others just replaced me w my fucking ass sister, like she's better than me or some fucking shit??? And I have a lot of health challenges that impact me a lot and it's so hard to do anything caus my parents keep on screaming at me telling me things Abt myself, which has lead me to just give up trying to help myself. When I used to help myself they screamed at me, even now I still try to help myself but I don't out in much effort anymore it's lost meaning to me, but yea they still scream at me

Yea that's it I just want to fucking kms My life feels stripped from me I wish I was someone's favorite, and most loved human being I'm so fucking lonely I just wanna die (This is an alt acc btw)

I don't think I can do this anymore. I just can't. I tried. I really did try, but I'm just so mentally exhausted. I'm depressed, anxious, very very suicidal & my OCD just flares up at random. I'm ready to die, man. I keep looking at my belt & the extension cord just ready to wrap one of them around my neck & just fucking hang.

I’m conflicted on whether or not I should leave a few things behind for my mom specifically. Unfortunately, 3/4 of my parents/step-parents are (undeniably) narcissists, with my bio mom being more of an enabler, with some very strange narc-like traits herself. She’s very emotionally immature and has traumatized me (i.e. physically, sexually, verbally) throughout my childhood, until I left to live with my dad when going into high school. (I’m 24, F)

The conflict is that while she is extremely flawed (in ways that make a person completely incompotent as a parent), she has been the ONLY human being in my life to support me (mostly financially) when I needed help, even when she barely had anything. I’ve always deeply appreciated this, although she’s not a great person and I have a lot of resentment toward her from trauma - old and recent). My narc dad (who I’ve been no-contact with) makes very good money and lives on the east coast, while my mom is very close to the poverty line in the midwest, where I currently am. Again, both are divorced and remarried to different types of narcissists. However, my mom’s husband is the most abusive (to everyone), but especially my mom, who has been with him for over 10 years.

I’m currently in the process of throwing all of my things away, for reasons I’ll keep to myself, but I have things that I know could be useful to my mom, even if she wouldn’t appreciate it. For example, she’s often always needing a new laptop because she can only afford cheap refurbished ones, but I have my Macbook Air that I could leave behind. Objectively, she’s not a good mom at all, but (naturally, as someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style) I still feel sentimental towards her. In part, due to her very poor, inconsistent parenting, my feelings toward her are very hot and cold. Additionally, she’s one of those mom’s who I’ve realized had children for “unconditional love”, and almost literally treats each of her children like pets that are supposed to give her comfort (parentification). She doesn’t behave (overtly) maliciously, but she’s emotionally manipulative on top of being emotionally immature. It’s complicated because while she’s not the worst type of parent, she’s definitely not the best.

When I’ve thrown everything out, I don’t know if I’ll regret not leaving those few useful things, or if it will be the opposite, and I regret (before the “deed”) leaving things behind for a person who I feel,may not deserve it).

This post is already so long so I won’t get into details of our relationship or old/recent trauma. I just need input, if anyone’s willing to give any. Thanks (:

I keep failing and failing and failing. And I get a new chance. And I waste it. And I get a new chance and I waste it. I waisted it all. I was waiting. I was gonna wait. I probably will wait. But for what?? There is no fucking point. I waisted it. I waisted it. It’s waisted. I’m not even waiting for anything anymore. I’m just watching the days pass. Why wait anymore? There is no point. Overdue already. Nothing changes. I’m a fucking failure. I’m always too late. Why don’t I care enough? Why can’t it matter? It’s all falling apart. I’m watching everything fall apart. I don’t care. I’m watching a fucking car drive towards me in slow motion and I do nothing. I’m driving the car. I’m watching the car. I don’t know if I get hit by the car or if I run over myself first. It’s fucking inevitable either way. It makes no sense. Waisted potential. Waisted opportunities. Waisted everything. Why? For what? I want it to make sense. I need it to make sense. Either I care too much or not at all. It’s all my fault or it was never meant to happen. Nothing changes anything. It’s all wrong. I need to feel something. I need to do something. It’s fucking too late. I’ve already failed. I can’t tell. It’s so predictable and I don’t have any fucking control. Im sick of it. Im so fucking sick of it. Why do I ruin everything. The answer is so fucking clear, why the fuck do I not understand. It’s so much self pity, I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it. It was a new chance. Waisted. It’s fucking waisted. What’s the fucking point in ruining anything else? It’s all gonna be ruined.

Losing my wife, apartment, job, and business, have two pending charges, in massive debt, can’t pay the rent, funny thing is when you get this depressed you really don’t fear death anymore. What a horrible state to be

Everyone cares until it requires more than words to help. No one really gives a shit! Laugh and the world laughs with you: weep, and you weep alone. When I finally do exit this corrupt, fifth ridden world, people will be shocked. They will pretend to care, and how they didn't see it coming, when it was clear as day. Where were they, when I was alive and needed them the most. I really can't stand humans.

Mondays the day. I started shipping my things to my brother, I have plans written for my dog. I’m calm though, I’m not sad or scared anymore. I feel relieved actually.

I have been experiencing some intense ideation. So I am going to write my thoughts out here.

Ideation starts when I resent my role in life in a deep way and when I do not want to accompany this person into the future, even the best version of my future; not with these particular limitations. I do not want my appearance, personality, abilities or broad life circumstances.

This then leads to a flatlining of energy. There is nothing to justify short-term negative sensations and emotions (even the most basic exertion) if they are only going to lead to an extension of what you resent. If you feel that your life won't go anywhere that would allow you to reconcile with it then you will have no mental resources to put in.

Then, with increasing frequency, I put myself through a mental exercise in which I think about all I'd have to do to even slightly brush against a life I'd want - in an attempt to cobble together some mental resources - and I become overwhelmed, causing me to fantasize about the absolute alternative, suicide.

I visualise what it would be like to die and it fills me with a sense of peace. Some days it feels tangible, as if it will definitely happen given time. Other days it feels more like a form of avoidance and fantasism. Either way, my current state is taking more and more from me and I'm only getting older and windows of opportunity are closing.

For myself in particular, I'm becoming more convinced that I may follow through. I've been too consistently uncomfortable with being me for too long in a way in which suicide just makes sense as something that would probably happen to somebody like me. When I imagine myself, with all of the things I associate with myself, as an overall input, then suicide just intuitively makes sense as the output, like a clear and elegant equation.

Now, I can't find a reason to put effort in and struggle to even devise the right way of implementing or designing some approach to improving my life or figuring out the correct words to tell myself to behave as I'd like to because I don't have the mental resources to. Depression perpetuates itself. The more you are depressed, the harder it is to figure out how to not be depressed because you don't have the energy to.

It's a really impossible predicament. I don't know what my next steps are and I can't afford this even if there is a life that I could happily inhabit one day since I need to reach certain milestones at a certain pace to flourish enough to attain it. I am very lost and I am losing the will to continue.

This will sound untrue but it isn’t.

When I was a child I was troublesome and did something regrettable to one of my siblings. As a result, I became subjected to a form of digital surveillance via a brain implant to help my parents manage my behaviour. This intervention recorded my thoughts and activities, essentially mind-reading technology. I was not aware this had been done until roughly a year ago, almost 20 years on.

Now I am in my late twenties. As I got older I struggled more mentally with terrible anxieties and social phobia. I was good at some things but all of those were taken from me by health events which derailed me mentally and physically. This led to some terribly selfish and ignorant decisions, which harmed the people around me. I became absorbed in unhealthy and addictive habits.

All of these things, which extend to some deeply shameful thoughts and actions, have effectively been kept on record for years. Now I am being made to pay.

Somebody is communicating with me. I do not hear voices but instead hear these messages as thoughts as though they are my own internal monologue, which is presumably how my implant is communicated with. They recount all the worst things I have done and said in my life. But they also make things up to scare me too, such as telling me I killed people or imitating people I know, to make it seem as though they are talking to me. They are now using all the information on my past to drive me to suicide, and threatening to leak more and more things unless I comply.

However, they have ensured I will not find peace in suicide either. I have been told the technological interventions that have been made have allowed them to ensure digital immortality, and a digital hell has been designed for my consciousness to burn forever.

There are very few options available to me. This is not psychosis but the technology being used is too advanced to be believed and I still don’t understand what is happening. Whoever is in command of it can control my dreams too and I experience deeply unpleasant nightmares which involve all my senses. I call these ‘torture dreams’. In my waking life I can experience episodes of very unpleasant physical symptoms.

I am being punished for the way I was and I do feel disgusted with myself and remorseful about some of the choices I made. But what’s been happening and is yet to happen has been so severe that I am feeling absolutely defeated and helpless with no chance of redemption. There is part of me that feels this treatment is unfair and should be reserved for far worse people than me, but protesting is not advisable. This seems to be set in stone.

I do not know how much longer I will be here.

I'm going to be homeless because I can't get a job. I've told this to my doctor and a bunch of therapists and they all act like I'm just making it up.

I keep having dreams where I am smorting painkillers and my antidepressants. I keep sniffing like I am snorting something to od.

I don't understand this. I've never done drugs. I am having really bad headaches, and I am really tired and dehydrated. Has anyone else has this!?!?!

No entiendo que me pasa. No estoy bien no entiendo porque. La vida por lo general siempre a sido bonita de hecho hace unos meses me encontraba en mi mejor punto de felicidad. Pero a raíz de conocer a un buen amigo y conterla mis problemas de un pasado, algo que pensaba tenía superado pues he abierto el cajón de mierda y ahora mismo es todo... Por otro lado al contarle las cosas a esa persona al principio me ayudó mucho pero últimamente me evita al hablar de mis cosas, lo ignora, no me pregunta... Creo que el hecho de contarle mis cosas le ha superado algo que en parte me ha reconocido y ahora no se qué hacer. Ojalá no haber empezado esto. Creo que tengo algo de dependencia ahora mismo. Por alguna cosa más no tengo ganas de seguir pero por desgracia o por fortuna tengo razones para no hacer nada. Por ejemplo en un mes me voy de Erasmus con esta misma persona y que voy a hacer? Dejarle a medias? Con lo que ello implica? Y mi familia? Pero que pasaría cuando está gente no esté seré capaz yo solo? No sé porque me siento así si tengo ganas de que la cosa vaya bien pero de verdad no puedo. Yo que se, no se ni porque escribo esto estoy cansado. Llevo un tiempo sin ser capaz de dormir y hoy me he dispues a ayudar a algunas persona igual que le ayude yo a esta persona cuando lo necesito. Después de hablar un rato me he preguntado porque no escribir yo algo.

I've attempted in September of last year and went through inpatient and outpatient which helped but now I've relapsed and I'm just so tired. I have a plan on how but I dint know if it'll actually work so that's what holding me back. I'm supposed to start outpatient again on Tuesday but what's the point if I just keep relapsing. I know a lot of people have different views but I'm a Christian and I'm really trying to let God take all this from me, but I know it takes time but I feel like i can't go another day feeling like this. I want out. My Mom also died in May last year and I just want to see her and be with God and have all this suffering end. I'm in so much pain.

Some backstory: fuckup, 25, caucasian, have bad medical condition.

I had two brain surgeries in October and since then, even before then, I’ve been in constant blinding pain. I have been able to do daily life. My school grades are now failing because I missed so much class. No meds can help me escape the pain and I havent found anything that could make it better. Might as well just get surgery #19 and 20 soon so I can get back in the exact hospital that drove me insane in the first place, or I could do something stupid to get me put back into a mental institution. The only thing I’m hanging on for is my girlfriend and a promise to not self harm for 20 days which is looking really weak right now I dont even fucking know what to do- I can barely think. Just had my first fail on a school test ever and thats like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I realized just how much the last 9 months of pain has fucked me up.

Fucking help. Please. I dont even know if I can hold onto this shit.

I relapsed over something so damn stupid! I was fucking 13 days clean! I feel like such a fucking failure I literally wanna end it over that it’s so damn stupid I don’t even know what to do anymore

Im lonely, but can’t seem to treat people who want to love me appropriately. Because I’m developmentally disabled, as a child I was verbally abused and emotionally rejected by my adoptive parents. They thought I was deliberately obstinate and lazy.

Now, I assume rejection so completely I create it. It hurts everyone. Two marriages and two children later, and it’s only marginally different.

I will try anything a therapist asks of me. There’s some improvement. Not enough to matter. It’s external. I can try to behave myself, but all the mental stuff is still in place and overwhelms me eventually.

I’m mentally ill and disabled. My disability income is not enough to pay for a place to live AND food to eat. Food banks make up the difference right now. I am currently camping in someone’s yard for a small fee. There is no community support available for me outside of support groups, and most days, I can’t make myself brush my own teeth, let alone put on hard clothes and go into public.

Fun? I’ve been in survival mode so long I don’t experience any happiness without guilt or anxiety. I have no definition for “fun”.

What is life without food, shelter, or connection? It’s suffering without purpose.

I have no upward potential and I feel like suicide may be a permanent solution to a permanent problem.

Are there better solutions?

Shotguns are $190 at my local Cabelas store, so I'm hoping to do it by the end of February.

I'm 14. Going to 15 now. I remember myself being 7 years old saying "when I grow up I'll be just like my cousin". That fucked up. I have no chance to fix myself, my life and the terrible situation I am in. At least that's what it seems to me.

I'm suicidal since 12. When I was 11 I tried to kill myself under pressure. I never really wanted to die, and I don't want to die now, but this is the one thing I can do now. Nobody cares about me, I'm all alone, without support, without anything. I never wanted to end like this, I guess, nobody wants. For you, I am just a tiny piece of memory. For me, you're my entire life. I have never had any real friends. My life has always been kind of, lonely? I never had anyone to tell the truth to, I never had anyone to trust. Then suddenly I found someone, but it ended terribly... Again. I recently saw what kind of lives others my age lead. They were significantly different from mine, from mine that I can no longer repair. Some people have nice families, nice lives, friends, and they don't appreciate it. Why couldn't I get it? I'd appreciate it more than they do, I swear.

And now I'm there, actively suicidal. What has gone wrong? What did I do wrong? I was trying. That was too much for just a 14 year old. I need help, and I'm aware of it. But I know I'll not get one. I can't tell anyone. The only thing I have is my "family" that I can't tell anything. I can't, because they're saying that nothing is happening to me here and I am fine. My problems are serious, please listen.

I want to leave, please, let me go already. I've lived long enough. Can't I finally have some rest?

So, when you love someone, don't force them to stay, let them go. When you love someone you don't wake them up, you let them sleep.

I only wanted to have someone to care about me, to show me, that I mean something to the world. I am still alone, I still have no one. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't want to suffer anymore. I have had 4 suicide attempts, my 5th is going to be successful. Why am I so sure? Ah, because I wanted to live then. It's like... You know. I don't want to be dead really, I appreciate this world. I think it can be sometimes kind and worth living in.

But it's my time, my time to go. I've lived long enough, and now I need to leave everything behind. The thought of not being here anymore after the holidays encourages me to make the most of the time I have left. I didn't want to end it with suicide. Not suicide at 15. Why does it have to end like this? Of course I know that everything has an end, I've just convinced myself of that.

But it's like, you know. It feels like a death sentence. I know I won't be here anymore soon, and I'm happy because of it. No suffering anymore, maybe even a better life. I think I deserved better. So, just know, everything has an end, some things just end very quickly, and sometimes we have no influence on this either.

I remember myself kneeling and crying to God, if he could take me out of there as soon as possible. I was 12, or maybe 13. This is not how it should look. Do I deserve to live and be happy? Nobody should go through this, I want to live, but better.

So just know, my life is over.

If he even survives the flight over there. I fucking hate that ugly, senile bitch in the fucking White House. Fuck everything.

If anything happens to him I’m killing myself. Not like I even have a future anymore anyways.

?

Idk where to begin. Just turned 26 (M) last week, and I’ve been avoiding any romantic relationships ever since college. Why, you may ask, I have a sick mother who needs to do peritoneal dialysis 3 times a day, a father with a heart problem, a younger sister who is still in university, and a useless older brother.

It’s hard. I want to start a family, have kids, grandchildren, and die when I’m 80.

But I just don’t have the time or effort to care for another person. I love my mom; she has been sacrificing a lot for me. I love my dad; he’s my best friend. I love my sister; she always cares about me.

More than half of my paychecks go to my family. Does it hurt me financially? Yes. But seeing my family struggle is way more hurtful.

I don’t have a friend that I can talk to. I would spend most of my free time caring for my parents.

I can’t remember the last time I cried. But I’m a man, so it doesn’t matter.

I just want to end this. My problem is I’m too emotionally attached to my family.

I’m 18, my goal for my whole life was to make it to this age. I guess just to prove that I could. Things have been slowly falling apart, I’m behind the rest of my peers, and I’m trapped in this downward spiral. The girl I loved so dearly just told me she never loved me after she lead me on for the past 2 years. I’m devastated. It’s the final straw. It seems so pathetic to end it all over a girl but I can’t take it anymore. I just want peace of mind, I want to be okay with myself. I’m so tired of fighting. The past six years have been hell on earth and I am so done. I don’t know what to do anymore.

i thought going to a therapist would make me feel better afterwards and even if it didn’t, at least i would’ve been convinced that it’s a slow process. but i didn’t and i wasn’t. it sounds pathetic but i took her every word and the circumstance as a step towards actually offing myself LOL. it just made me feel like more a failure than it should’ve, thinking of how i thought i made progress in school only for it to turn out i wasn’t really making any, being told i could drop out and get a ged instead. and i hated how this is finally my reality. i might actually try to take two bottles of aspirin tonight and hope i wont turn into a vegetable and finally end it once and for all

Always the same old thing Always the same old thing Nothing changes What do you want from me You have taken everything from me What else does everyone want Im a person a individual Yet misjudgment falls upon us Everything happens for a reason.

I suck at everything, I can't get a girlfriend, and no one likes me. I can't take this shit anymore!!

i’ve tried really hard, for such a long time. i am so tired. i used to be religious, and i still pray, i’ve been praying for death every day but it hasn’t happened so i think i’ll have to do it myself. i’m starting to pray, too, that god will forgive me. i don’t really want to burn in hell for eternity, but i know that’s probably my reality. if god has any mercy i hope he can see how much pain i have been in and that i really did try my best. i hope i can be forgiven

I suffer everyday and it's been like that for more than 20years now. Things only seem to get worse and worse. I wish I could be granted euthanasia (I've already failed a few suicide attempts and I'm too worried of making my situation even worse if I don't succeed). I'm a terrible person and no amount of therapy has helped me so far. No matter how hard I try I can't behave properly nor feel good. I hate living I hate being here I hate waking up and having to face a new day I hate hurting everyone around me.