I’ve been thinking a lot about why so many Asian men are getting pulled into the Red Pill and manosphere. I get it—these spaces seem to offer answers, especially when we’re dealing with the racism that desexualizes us and leaves us struggling with dating and masculinity.

But here’s the problem: the manosphere isn’t built for us. In fact, it often does more harm than good. Yeah, it talks about improving yourself, but it’s wrapped in bitterness. Every interaction becomes a battle, and women get reduced to objects you’re supposed to “control.”

For us Asian men, it’s even worse. The same racist hierarchies that keep us at the bottom in society are right there in the Red Pill. Terms like “ricecels”and “currycels” are just another way to keep us down while pushing outdated ideas about dominance and submission.

On the flip side, the Asian American community isn’t really helping us out either. The Red Pill might be toxic, but at least it's offering something—even if it's the wrong thing. Meanwhile, the Asian American community often stays quiet about the unique struggles we face as Asian men in dating and society or just blames Hollywood and the media.

I mean, they're right, but blaming institutions doesn't help the individual person through their lived experiences. There’s no real support or alternatives, so we end up stuck, with no one talking about how to deal with racism and cultural stereotypes in a healthy way.

So where does that leave us? The Red Pill isn’t the answer, but neither is pretending the problem doesn’t exist. I don’t have all the solutions other than showing Asian men that they CAN find their personal happiness, but I do think it’s worth talking about how both of these spaces are failing us—and what we can do to build something better for ourselves as Asian men.

Here’s a video I made on this if you’re interested: https://youtu.be/FviliCR40ic

I recently turned 27 back in June.

Went on a couple of dating apps aimed at South Asians.

I get a lot of attention but it almost seems like these brown women are moving desperate.

First few messages of some conversations and the girl asks "what are your intentions? Are you looking to get married"

I mean, sure, I'd like to get with a woman someday, in a healthy marriage. But I don't even know these women first of all, these are random strangers and that's the first thing you ask?

I said to one girl "you know, if you're meeting someone new, the best thing to do is have no expectations first hand, because, we quite literally don't know each other"

Then she accused me of being a time waster

Weekly free for all thread

You can post anything you want here

Rules still apply

In the world of dating, every man must navigate a paradox—a reality that’s inevitable if you truly want to understand attraction. Imagine this: you approach a woman, and in that moment, you exist in a dual state—you’re both a stud and a creep. Her perception of you, based on how she reacts, determines which side you land on. This isn’t just a theory; it’s the Schrödinger’s Suitor complex, and acknowledging it is crucial if you want to understand the nuanced dynamics of dating.

Schrödinger’s Cat and the Dating Paradox

To explain this paradox, let’s reference Schrödinger’s Cat, a thought experiment from quantum mechanics. Imagine a cat in a sealed box with a mechanism that has a 50/50 chance of killing it. Until you open that box, the cat exists in two states—both alive and dead. Only when the box is opened does the cat’s true state become clear.

Now, apply this concept to dating. When you approach a woman, you exist in a superposition of being both a stud and a creep. Her perception—based on her biases, experiences, and mood—collapses that state into one outcome. You’re either seen as attractive and confident, or as creepy and off-putting. Once her mind is made up, in 99% of cases, there’s no turning back.

The Brutal Reality of Perception

Here’s the hard truth: women don’t see you as both a stud and a creep at the same time, and this is largely due to the way they filter their experiences through their own emotions and personal perceptions. Once she decides you're a creep, it’s difficult for her to comprehend that other women might find you attractive. Similarly, if she finds you desirable, she struggles to understand why others wouldn’t. Women’s emotional and subjective perception shapes how they see you, making it hard for them to grasp the dual nature of attraction.

This is why understanding the Schrödinger’s Suitor complex is vital. You must internalize this reality and navigate it with awareness. How you’re perceived—stud or creep—will shape the outcome of every interaction.

Real-Life Examples: The Divide in Perception

This paradox isn’t just hypothetical; we see extreme examples of it in real life. Take Andrew Tate, Donald Trump, and Leonardo DiCaprio. These men have achieved immense success, been with many beautiful women, and project confidence and power. Yet, they’ve also faced serious allegations, especially regarding their interactions with women.

• Andrew Tate has been accused of human trafficking and exploiting women. Despite these accusations, many admire his charisma and view him as a symbol of power.
• Donald Trump has faced numerous allegations of sexual assault and misconduct, including claims of harassment from several women. Yet, his confidence and public persona continue to attract a loyal following.
• Leonardo DiCaprio, while not accused of criminal behavior, has been heavily criticized for his pattern of dating much younger women, often in their early 20s, while he’s in his late 40s. Some view this behavior as shallow or even predatory, while others see him as simply living the life of a successful bachelor.

These men demonstrate extreme polarization in how they are perceived. Some women see them as charismatic and desirable, while others view them as predatory or problematic. This inability to grasp the dual nature of perception, largely influenced by women’s solipsism, is central to the Schrödinger's Suitor paradox.

Embrace the Paradox and Transform

So, how do you handle this information? You don’t fight the paradox—you embrace it. Here’s how:

1. Accept the Reality: You will be seen as both a stud and a creep by different women. This isn’t something to dread—it’s just part of the game. While you can’t control every woman’s perception, you can control how you present yourself and how you respond.
2. Polarize with Purpose: Women aren’t attracted to men who play it safe—they’re drawn to those who take risks, challenge them, and aren’t afraid to break rapport. Breaking rapport means confidently disagreeing, teasing, or pushing back when necessary. Stand your ground and show that her approval isn’t the end goal. Boldness creates stronger reactions—some women will love it, others may not, but you’ll be remembered, not ignored.
3. Shift Your Perspective: Rather than doubting yourself when a woman sees you as a creep, shift your mindset: “If she doesn’t like me, she simply has terrible taste in men.” This keeps your confidence intact, but only if you’re getting results with other women. If you’re attracting some women and building rapport, you can brush off rejections. However, if every woman is rejecting you, they might be onto something, and it’s time to reassess your approach. Confidence should come from real experience and results, not delusion.
4. Learn from Every Interaction: Pay attention to the feedback you’re getting. Focus on what goes well, and evaluate what doesn’t. The more you put yourself out there, the more you’ll realize that being perceived negatively by some women doesn’t define you. It’s about connecting with the women who recognize your value.
5. Build Unshakeable Confidence: As you experience success, you’ll see that being labeled a creep is just part of the journey. Confidence isn’t about being liked by everyone; it’s about knowing your worth regardless of others' perceptions. Once you stop letting external judgments control you, you’ll realize that the opinions of a few can’t shake your self-assurance.

The Bottom Line

The Schrödinger’s Suitor complex isn’t just a concept—it’s the reality of being a man in the dating game. Every time you approach a woman, you exist in this dual state, and how you’re perceived will influence the outcome.

In dating, every man is both a stud and a creep—until a woman decides otherwise. This path requires resilience, self-awareness, and a willingness to learn from every experience.

Look at men like Andrew Tate, Donald Trump, and Leonardo DiCaprio. These figures prove that you can’t please everyone. Some will idolize you, while others will label you as creepy. But it’s not their judgment that defines you—it’s how you define yourself. Women who find you attractive may never understand why others don’t, and vice versa. That’s their limitation, not yours.

Embrace the complexity of this paradox and keep moving forward. Ultimately, it’s not about being liked by everyone—it’s about being valued by the right ones.

Find the original article here: https://desiplayboy.substack.com/p/schrodingers-suitor

Do I go to frat parties- hell yea, I've been to two. Would I join a frat?- prob not. Yes I've meet some chill frat guys but I've meet frat guys who are racist af and are douchebags and who have sexist views. I be seeing them make r*pe jokes all the time. I mean the frats I be going to, I be seeing mad Indians there. In fact last two times that I went I saw an Indian uncle in his mid 40s (abcd) as dj. The college that I be going to parties at got plenty of Indians who are into all that. I got with a white 10/10 sorority girl once and it felt amazing. Ik some Indian frat dudes who are mad chill and who are part of all that and some Indian girls who are in sororities. My college (mostly black and spanish and hood) got this one frat full of black, indian, asian and spanish dudes, most chillest guys I've meet. I go to their events sometimes.

Thing is most of the douchebag racist frat and soriority people I've meet are usually in PWIs. The ones that are in diverse colleges usually are chill.

What are some good spots to go out in SF?

BongoBengoli (@bongobengoli) | TikTok

She's definitely not the only troll out there.

One of the most common struggles in dating is knowing whether or not a woman is actually interested in you. 

Now I- as someone who’s short at 5’5 and been both fat at 201 pounds and Asian thin with a below average face- don’t depend on receiving IOIs. If I did, I’d be spending forever and a day for something that would never happen. That would make me reactive instead of proactively trying to create attraction from nothing.

However, I know a lot of guys do want to know what these signals of a woman’s attraction are, so I’m going to break down some really common ones. It’s easy to overthink things or misread the signals, especially when they’re subtle. 

But there are actual signs, called Indicators of Interest (IOIs), that women give off when they’re into someone. Recognizing these IOIs can make the difference between missing a great opportunity and taking things to the next level.

I’ve broken down 13 IOIs—10 of which apply to most guys, and 3 that are specifically relevant for Asian men. These are the kinds of subtle, often non-verbal, cues women give when they’re attracted to you. 

(Sidenote: There is a cultural context to consider too as many Asian girls or just anyone coming from either a highly culturally or religiously conservative background may not show any public displays of affection whatsoever, but are completely willing to get freaky once you’re in a more discrete location.)

Here’s a breakdown:

1. Smiling at You

This is one of the most basic IOIs. If a woman is smiling at you frequently, especially when you make eye contact, it’s a good sign she’s interested. A genuine smile indicates comfort and attraction.

2. Playing with Her Hair

Women often play with their hair subconsciously when they’re attracted to someone. It’s a way to self-soothe or signal interest. If she’s twirling her hair or running her hands through it while talking to you, take note.

3. Maintaining Eye Contact

Holding your gaze for longer than usual is a strong indicator of attraction. If she’s not shying away from eye contact, it shows confidence and interest in you.

4. Leaning In When Talking

If she’s leaning closer to you during conversation, she’s trying to close the physical gap—both literally and figuratively. It’s a signal that she’s comfortable and wants to be closer.

5. Laughing at Your Jokes

Even if your jokes are kind of cheesy, if she’s laughing, it’s a great sign she’s enjoying your company. Laughter is a strong IOI, especially when it feels genuine and frequent.

6. Asking Questions About You

If she’s asking about your life, interests, or background, it’s because she’s intrigued. She wants to know more, which is a clear signal that she’s interested in getting closer to you.

7. Mirroring Your Body Language

When a woman starts to mirror your body language—whether it’s how you sit, move, or gesture—it’s a subconscious way of building rapport. Mirroring indicates comfort and connection.

8. Touching You

This is one of the stronger IOIs. If she touches your arm, hand, or shoulder lightly during conversation, it’s a way of showing she’s comfortable and possibly interested in escalating things physically.

9. Complimenting You

Whether she’s complimenting your looks, style, or personality, compliments are a positive sign of attraction. It shows that she’s noticing details about you and likes what she sees.

10. Bringing Up Shared Interests

If she starts talking about topics she knows you’ll enjoy, it’s her way of trying to find common ground. It’s a signal that she wants to bond with you over mutual interests, which is always a good thing.

Now, let’s get into the 3 IOIs that are especially relevant for Asian men. These are culturally specific signs that can give you a clearer sense of whether or not she’s into you as an Asian man.

11. Interest in Asian Culture

If she’s asking about or bringing up Asian culture—whether it’s history, language, or pop culture—it’s her way of trying to connect with you on a cultural level. Even if her reference is a little off, like mentioning anime and you’re Chinese, it still shows she’s trying to bridge the cultural gap.

12. Complimenting Your "Exotic" Traits

When she compliments your dark hair, eyes, or other features that are uniquely Asian, it’s more than just a generic compliment. She’s expressing attraction to you as an Asian man, and that’s an IOI that can be especially powerful for breaking through societal narratives.

13. Mentioning an Asian Ex-Boyfriend

If she casually brings up that she’s dated an Asian guy before, it’s a clear signal that she’s open to dating Asian men. This is her way of letting you know that she’s attracted to Asian men specifically, and isn’t influenced by anti-Asian stereotypes or biases.

These 13 IOIs can completely change the way you see interactions with women. By being more aware of these cues, you can respond confidently and escalate when the time is right. For Asian men, recognizing these last three IOIs can be a game-changer, helping you understand when a woman is interested in you not just as a man, but as an Asian man.

Here’s the full video breakdown of these IOIs if you want to dive deeper into how to spot them and what to do next:

Watch the video here

Weekly free for all thread

You can post anything you want here

Rules still apply

I'm 28. FoB-ish (grew up outside India, but went to college in India). I've been in the US for 5 years now. I'm not very social or extroverted but I've assimilated pretty well. Made some good American friends. But, I haven't been very successful in dating. To be clear, I'm not thirsting after white women. I don't have racial preferences, and will date anyone who isn't obese.

I had one casual relationship 5 years ago after finishing college. Last month I went on another date with a girl. That's the extent of my dating life. No other likes on dating apps - these 2 girls were literally the only ones who ever matched with me. Women don't really seem attracted to me IRL.

So - based on my dating history, I know I'm not hopeless. I'm not the hottest dude, but I clean up ok. I'm a 6, I'd say.

My biggest problem is not having no game. It's having no chemistry with women. The first girl I dated, I thought my rizz was unmatched because how of quickly I was able to get into a casual relationship and have sex. Thinking back, it seemed easy only because she made it easy.

I don't have any women friends. I've made acquaintances with them, but I never have a...vibe...with anyone. With guys it's much easier. I treat them the same, except I may censor a few dick jokes and give them more physical space that I give guys.

And I know why this is. I grew up being a nice guy. Not a NiceGuyTM, but genuinely wanting to be nice to others just because, and not expecting anything (except that you don't be an asshole to me in return). I grew up around mostly women who had toxic views on men, and didn't really have healthy boundaries with the only male child in the family.

I grew up being always extra polite around girls so as to not offend or creep them out. Letting the insecurity of being a "creepy Indian man" get to me when I was young didn't help. Neither did online advice about women not wanting to be approached and making them feel safe.

As a result, I can't show attraction to a woman unless she gives me some sort of indication that she's ok with it. Even them, I'm pretty slow to flirt. Like a simple smile or not turning away when I try to maintain eye contact for one second.

I'm not completely boring either, but my hobbies are kinda single-person. Cooking, sharpening knives, camera repair, and indie movies.

Older women love me though - like in a friendly way. They're super chatty with me although I know they're like that with most people. I've self improved enough to be comfortable by myself and have ok self esteem, but now that I want someone in my life...it seems bleak.

How can I learn to be more flirty and casual with women? Not even to get in their pants or to be in a relationship with them - just being friends with them with no other intentions is a good start for me, because so often there are so many genuinely cool girls out there but they just don't seem to like me.

https://x.com/leonardaisfune?s=21

Indians got her removed from twitter for a platitude of racist tweets. It’s time to do it again. Let’s not stand for this type of hate. Go ahead and report her and her racist tweets TWICE: once for hate and then slurs and tropes and then a second report for hate and hateful references.

Let’s get this shit off of the main stream media.

Ex: https://www.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/s/CKQATsHLy7

There’s more on that sub specifically.

Recent immigrants are bad/ caste/ religion/ North vs South/ Abd vs fobs 🤢

Calling out people as individuals vs putting them in single buckets is straight up reverse racism lmao. People wonder why they get racist comments from other communities, bc some of yll want their validation.

WE’RE STRONGER TOGETHER!! go learn some history 💀

Edit: also I feel this sub is lot more sensible than any other desi sub

Ok i have to rant that every time i see an anti indian comment we like the comment instead of reporting so everyone sees it or write the worst comebacks like wash ur ass toilet paper. Or bring me your mom like i understand i would probably be hackled in real life but online cmon we have answer properly or not answer at all. It's not hard to reply african and Pakistani or bangldeahi comments because we know them but with whites we research a little bit to hurt their sentiment.

This is a pretty long post (5000+ words) so read at your leisure.

https://preview.redd.it/wmjhvre7jrpd1.png?width=802&format=png&auto=webp&s=122cc89dc79f97bb45c81610dda4e8b13181af2c

SOURCE: https://www.abcsofattraction.com/blog/inner-game-iceberg-mastering-confidence-emotional-management-and-your-identity-for-dating-success

After coaching men for the past two decades, let me share some insights into what I’ve learned over the years about mastering the Inner Game not only in myself but also the thousands of clients who come from a variety of backgrounds. Inner Game-whether it's in the application of your dating, everyday, and professional life-  is absolutely crucial for your long term success.

Just to be clear, when I talk about the Inner Game, I'm referring to all the mental and emotional elements that influence both how you interact with others as well as how you manage your own thoughts and emotions, especially in social or dating situations. This is extremely individualistic to each person and no one size fits all considering the vast array of our life experiences.

Inner Game isn't just a set of skills you can pick up; it’s more about your overall mindset, including your self-esteem, confidence, and emotional resilience. Everyone's Inner Game is shaped by their unique experiences, beliefs, and, yes, even their emotional baggage, trauma, demons, core memories and everything in between.

So while I have created a construct by which to achieve some sort of understanding on the incredibly complicated experience that is our Inner Game, it is by no means a perfect or even complete system. But hopefully this is a start to you getting a handle on your Inner Game and the key to your personal growth and social success.

When your Inner Game is strong, you walk into any social situation with genuine confidence and authenticity. It’s not something you can fake; it’s about understanding yourself on a deeper level and continuously applying new strategies and insights as you grow. Your Inner Game doesn’t just affect how you behave in the moment; it shapes your long-term attitudes and behaviors, influencing how you navigate life’s ups and downs.

Case Studies: Inner Game in Action

This entire discussion of the Inner Game Iceberg actually came about while we were doing an Inner Game Chat for Academy students who all had different aspects of Inner Game challenges pop up and at the different levels of the Inner Game Iceberg.

So to illustrate how complex and vital the Inner Game can be, let’s dive into theses case studies:

• Yan's State-Based Inner Game: Yan is someone who has an intellectual grasp of Inner Game principles but struggles to apply them in real-life situations at the appropriate time. Meditation while in the middle of the club is an inappropriate time to try to manage his state. So his challenge is staying in an optimal emotional state without overthinking or losing his flow. Yan needs to develop pre-game rituals and techniques that help him get into the right headspace, allowing him to act more instinctively rather than getting bogged down by analysis. This is where you use emotional and physical state based techniques to manage yourself comes into play.
• Eric's Sexual Anxiety: Eric is dealing with sexual anxiety due to a lack of experience and the shame that often accompanies it. For Eric, building a strong Inner Game means gradually gaining more experience, building self-confidence, and challenging the negative self-beliefs that fuel his anxiety. It’s a slow process, but with consistent effort, Eric can make real progress. This is something that requires real world experience in having emotional and physical intimacy with a woman as well as reframing the mental sexual anxiety. It's not something that can only be defeated from one side. Just because you make out with a girl for the first time, doesn't mean the sexual anxiety goes away. At the same time, just because you can reframe in your mind that you're a "stud" doesn't offset the fact that you're still a virgin. Both have to happen in order for this Inner Game obstacle to be truly defeated.
• Ray's Social Conditioning: Ray's Inner Game is heavily influenced by his cultural background and the highly conservative Chinese social norms ingrained in him since childhood. For Ray, the challenge lies in understanding and breaking down these cultural influences, so he can align his beliefs and behaviors with his personal goals and values. He has to realize that coming from a lower-middle class Chinese immigrant background comes with it the cultural background designed around survival (study hard, work hard, and then finally you'll be rewarded with women, but only if you're pure of heart) but not designed to allow a man to THRIVE.

So Inner Game operates on three core levels: State, Identity (Temperament/Lifestyle), and Societal Conditioning. Each of these levels influences how you present yourself in social situations, how you regulate your emotions, and how you overcome the internal barriers shaped by your upbringing and culture and religion.

1. State: The Tactical Layer of Inner Game

State is all about your emotional and mental condition in the moment—how you feel when you’re in the middle of a social situation, especially one where anxiety or excitement might rise. Think of those moments when your heart races before approaching someone, or the sense of thrill when a conversation is going well. How you manage those moments determines your effectiveness in navigating social interactions.

When your state is in check, you feel present, calm, and confident. When it’s out of control, you might overthink, freeze up, or act out of fear. Controlling your state in the moment helps you show up as your best self.

How to Master Your State:

• Grounding Techniques: Use methods like the 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you focus on your senses (five things you see, four things you can touch, etc.) to stay present and reduce anxiety.
• Pre-Game Rituals: Get yourself into the right emotional and mental space before any social interaction. This could mean listening to high-energy music, visualizing success, or practicing power poses to elevate your confidence.
• Deep Breathing: When you feel your nerves getting the better of you, slow, deep breathing can help you regain focus and control.

By practicing these techniques consistently, you’ll gain better control over your emotional state, helping you stay relaxed and confident in high-pressure situations. To learn more about how you can manage your state especially with anxiety, watch our video on Two Science Backed Psychological Techniques To Destroy Approach Anxiety.

2. Identity (Temperament & Lifestyle): Building Long-Term Emotional Resilience

While state focuses on managing emotions in the moment, temperament refers to your long-term emotional baseline. Your temperament is shaped by your lifestyle—your daily habits, diet, exercise, sleep, and how you manage stress. A solid temperament means you’re emotionally stable and can handle setbacks with ease.

If your lifestyle is out of balance—if you’re not sleeping well, eating poorly, constantly stressed or have a poor mental framing system—your temperament suffers, making it harder to bounce back from emotional challenges. On the other hand, a healthy lifestyle and positive mindset strengthens your emotional resilience, allowing you to handle life’s difficulties with grace and confidence.

When put together, this becomes your LIFESTYLE.

How to Master Lifestyle Through Discipline:

• Regular Exercise: Physical activity is one of the most powerful ways to boost your emotional resilience. Exercise releases endorphins, reduces stress, and helps you feel more confident in yourself.
• Prioritize Sleep and Nutrition: Sleep and proper nutrition are fundamental to maintaining emotional stability. A poor diet or lack of sleep leaves you emotionally vulnerable, so make these a priority.
• Build Healthy Habits: Daily practices like mindfulness, journaling, mental reframing, discipline or even taking time to reflect can help reinforce a positive emotional baseline.

When you maintain a healthy lifestyle, you build a strong emotional foundation that helps you stay grounded in the face of life’s challenges.

3. Societal Conditioning: Breaking Free from Culture, Racism, and Religion

At the deepest level of Inner Game lies Societal Conditioning—the cultural, religious, and social beliefs that have been ingrained in you since childhood. These beliefs shape your worldview, including how you perceive yourself, others, and your place in the world.

Many people, especially minority men, struggle with limiting beliefs shaped by stereotypes around race, masculinity, and success. It could be cultural shame of not being as good enough as the majority population or sexual anxiety when it comes to the idea of romance and physical intimacy.

Breaking free from societal conditioning is perhaps the most challenging aspect of Inner Game because these beliefs are often unconscious. You’ve been living with them for so long that you might not even realize how they’re holding you back. Overcoming societal conditioning requires confronting these beliefs and reprogramming your mind to see yourself in a new, empowering light.

How to Overcome Societal Conditioning:

• Develop Self-Awareness: Start by identifying the limiting beliefs that shape your worldview. Ask yourself where these beliefs come from and whether they’re serving you or holding you back.
• Challenge the Narrative: Seek out stories and role models who defy the stereotypes you’ve internalized. Surround yourself with positive influences that reinforce new, healthier beliefs.
• Reprogram Your Mindset: Replace limiting beliefs with new, empowering ones through repetition. The more you reinforce these new beliefs, the more they become ingrained in your subconscious.

By breaking down societal conditioning, you unlock the freedom to live authentically and fully embrace who you are, independent of the beliefs society has imposed on you.

Balancing Emotions and Logic

Now, let’s talk about balancing emotions and logic.

I’ve learned that effective social interactions need a real emotional connection, and I’ve found that overthinking can really mess that up. This is why it seems dumb guys are always getting laid but those of us who intellectualize everything are afflicted with analysis paralysis.

When I’m out in the field—whether it’s at a social event, on a date, or just interacting with people—I know it’s time to get physical, be in touch with my emotions, and take action. The only thinking I let myself do in those moments is about logistics, like where I need to be or what I need to do next.

When intrusive thoughts start creeping in, I’ve realized that it’s okay to let loose a bit. Sometimes I just need to go out and have fun without trying to "pick up" in  orderto shake off the mental clutter.

To get into the right emotional state, I rely on pre-game rituals and other techniques. For me, it could be something as simple as putting on the Victoria's Secret lip sync videos. The music gets my energy flowing and I can't help but visualize being successful with these incredibly gorgeous girls.

All of these rituals are designed to shift me into an instinctual mode where I’m fully connected to my emotions and body, acting on instinct rather than letting overthinking get in the way.

Emotions, Mood, and Temperament

When I think about my emotional journey, I realize there’s a continuum from emotions to mood to temperament. Emotions, in my experience, are fleeting—they come and go in a flash, lasting just a few seconds to maybe a minute.

On any given day, a person goes through a whirlwind of 3 to 5 different emotions within a single minute, which adds up to about 4,000 emotions throughout the day. It’s wild to think about, but that’s how dynamic our emotional state can be.

However, when a particular emotion sticks with you for longer (i.e. the sadness from a breakup), it starts to create a mood. This mood can last for hours, sometimes even days. I’ve found that several factors significantly influence my mood—things like what I eat, how much sleep I get, the amount of sunlight I’m exposed to, and even the expressions I see on my own face.

Exercise has been a game-changer for me, too. When I stay active, it’s like my body produces what I’ve come to think of as the “H-O-P-E molecule.” It’s amazing how much it boosts my confidence, reduces stress, and enhances my emotional resilience.

I’ve also learned that the way I "talk to myself" matters (i.e. mental reframing exercises). Positive self-talk and mindfulness practices have become essential tools for me to maintain a balanced emotional state. They help me manage my emotional responses better and keep me grounded, especially during social interactions.

Of course, there are times when managing my mood isn’t enough, particularly when dealing with severe mood issues like depression. I know that therapy is a viable option—it has its limitations (like case studies are built around heterosexual white males and therapy is a subscription based service with no incentive to give you a final solution outside of the goodness of their heart), but it can make a significant difference.

When I notice that a mood lingers for a long time, it starts to shape my temperament—my overall emotional disposition. I’ve come to understand that changing my temperament isn’t easy. It requires me to dig deep into where my belief system comes from or consciously replace old beliefs with new, positive ones.

It’s a process that takes time and effort, but I know it’s worth it to cultivate a temperament that reflects the person I want to be. This is where Discipline, Consistency, and Identity come into play.

Understanding and Overcoming Social and Cultural Conditioning

I’ve noticed that social conditioning really varies depending on your background. Different social classes have their own rules and expectations, and this can create barriers, especially if you come from a middle or lower-class background and the extent of your religious indoctrination. I’ve seen how these expectations play out differently compared to those from more privileged backgrounds.

Cultural conditioning has been a challenge for me, especially coming from a middle-class and somewhat conservative background. The way I was brought up brought with it certain expectations that led to shame and fear around romantic interactions. This conditioning can manifest as sexual anxieties—fears of social judgment, traumatic experiences, or even concerns about STDs.

I’ve observed that guys from the top 1%—like billionaires or powerful politicians—often feel entitled to things like sex, women, and power. For them, being with beautiful women is just normal, while for the rest of us, there are all these social rules designed to keep us out of the competition.

The way some of my clients who are literally the heirs of billion dollar fortunes or the sons of Communist generals where back in Asia they are the apex males and women are constantly throwing themselves onto them versus the reception they get here in America is perplexing to them. They just need to learn the dating techniques and social norms of Western dating, but mentally they're believe they are entitled to women so when they learn the HOW, it becomes very easy for them to start closing women because for them it is the natural order of things.

Only middle and lower classes and the religiously indoctrinated are afflicted with social and sexual constraints in order to imposes a pyramid hierarchy on the majority of the male population. After all, only a select few can be at the top and the always has to be some garbage men at the bottom and this form of societal conditioning is vital in imposing order on the "peasantry."

You'll also see how societal conditioning forms pretty privilege or even how internalized racism can benefit the majority society.

So to improve my Inner Game, I realized that I had to acknowledge these social hierarchies and the rules that come with them, then actively work to break down the cultural influences that were holding me back. This meant questioning and challenging assumptions I had held for a long time, adopting new perspectives, and creating a belief system that truly aligns with my personal goals and values.

I had to take a hard look at my life and ask myself, "Where did I learn this? Does it actually help me? Does it make me happy? And do I need to deconstruct it?" It wasn’t easy, and it took time to reconcile what I knew about society with what I was taught growing up. I had to accept that two contradictory things could be true at the same time. Often, one belief was just an unconscious choice due to my conditioning.

Once I started understanding where these beliefs came from, I knew I needed to take concrete actions to change my behavior. I committed to this process consistently, week after week, month after month. By replacing old beliefs with positive emotional experiences and reinforcing these new healthy associations, I gradually shifted my temperament.

Over time, I saw how this process started feeding into itself—working both forwards and backwards. I was working on both my state and my belief system. Breaking down racial, cultural, religious, and sexual conditioning has helped me create a more authentic and empowered sense of self.

This is how the VIP EuroTour came about and why it became the #1 Inner Game Experiential Event for Asian Men as it's designed to not only tackle societal conditioning, but also to recontextualize these semi-permanent mental and emotional constructs in your mind.

Self-awareness and Managing Intrusive Thoughts

Intrusive thoughts are something I deal with often, but I’ve learned how to manage them through self-awareness and positive reinforcement. Being self-aware is key for me when it comes to identifying these thoughts. Every time an intrusive thought pops up, I recognize what's happening in my brain, and I remind myself, "That’s just a false belief."

For example, I’ve caught myself thinking, “I'm not as good as tall guys” but then I remind myself that there’s no need to punish myself with negative thoughts—at least I’m doing something about it.

In other situations, I turn to positive reinforcement to reshape my narrative. I’ve found that practical tools like daily positive quotes, affirmations, and even watching movies with Asian male leads help me stay on track. These small actions create a positive environment in my mind, countering the intrusive thoughts that sometimes creep in.

Once I got better at identifying my emotional makeup and understanding where my belief systems come from, I began to work on deconstructing them. I know it’s a long process, but once I’ve gained enough understanding of my belief system, I feel stable enough to use tactical tools to manage my emotional state when I’m out in the field.

One of the techniques I’ve found useful is pre-game rituals. These might involve listening to energizing music, practicing power poses, or visualizing successful outcomes. Power poses, like standing tall with my shoulders back, raising my arms in a victory pose, or placing my hands on my hips in a dominant stance, really help me get into the right mindset. When anxiety creeps in, grounding exercises like the "5-4-3-2-1" method help me stay focused.

I’ve also established a routine that includes getting dressed with intention, following a hygiene ritual, and doing something physical like dancing or doing 20 push-ups to get me into the right emotional and physical state.

I’ve made it a point to turn these actions into daily habits, doing them so consistently that it feels strange not to do them. This consistency has been key in managing intrusive thoughts and keeping myself grounded.

The Importance of Practice

Regular practice is key for me. It helps internalize actions and make behaviors second nature, which means I don’t have to constantly analyze myself. Even though I’m naturally an introvert, I’ve trained myself to be extroverted when the situation calls for it. If I don’t go out for a while, I start feeling a bit stir-crazy because I’ve gotten so used to going out regularly, even if it's just for the sake of it. This shift from conscious effort to unconscious competence has made my interactions smoother and more natural.

I highly recommend establishing a habit of going out consistently. For me, it took about 45 days of daily repetition to solidify this habit in my brain. I made the process as easy as possible, removing all obstacles and objections. I didn’t try to out-logic myself. Instead, I fought through the physical and emotional discomfort because I knew my end goal. I would pump myself up when needed, and every time an excuse came up, I’d question it. I also use state-based solutions, like a curated playlist to motivate me to walk 10,000 steps a day.

When it comes to tactical solutions, I’m open to experimenting with different tactics, but I stick with what works for me and leave behind what doesn’t. However, in the moment, when I’m out there, I just focus on emotionally motivating myself. It’s important not to fight against the good things in life. I’ve learned that enjoying the practice process is key to maintaining motivation. If I were to think that game and women are bad or associate negativity with them, I’d never be able to enjoy the positive aspects that come with it—things like confidence, relationships, intimacy, and respect.

Women and game aren’t inherently bad; it’s more about understanding the social code and how it rewards certain behaviors. Most of us probably want meaningful relationships, and that’s a good thing. It just takes experience to get there. What I’m aiming for is a rewarding relationship with the right person. Along the way, I’ve had to accept that not everything will be positive, and that’s okay. Adopting perspectives from different cultural traditions, like the dating practices in African American and Latino communities, has helped me accept that everyone uses social codes every day.

I’ve also realized that some of the emotional difficulty I’ve experienced with women stems from past failed relationships with important women in my life, like my mom or an ex-girlfriend. At some point, I had to accept these people for who they are. I came to terms with the fact that they wouldn’t change and understood their limitations as human beings. Similarly, in relationships—whether it’s with a girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, parent, or anyone else—I know that I’m only responsible for my own actions. Some people are never going to change, and once I accepted that, I was able to deal with the relationship for what it was, without wishing for more.

Of course, there are still times when I get stuck. When that happens, I know it’s time to examine and deconstruct the beliefs that are holding me back.

Long-Term Commitment to Inner Game: How to Make Lasting, Permanent Change

The journey to developing a strong Inner Game is deeply personal and ongoing. No amount of wishing will make it happen. Wishing for a girlfriend won't work. Just like in fitness and game, you put in the hard work, gain the skills and experience, and you'll get results. There are very distinct parallels.

Whether you're growing your physical muscles or your social muscles, both are a long-term process that demands dedication, consistency, and patience. The key to real, lasting change lies in your commitment to the journey. You need to understand that Inner Game is not just about quick fixes or short bursts of motivation; it’s about building habits and mindsets that will transform your life in the long run.

Just understand at which level you're doing it:

• Are you working on it at the state level?
• Are you addressing your lifestyle and daily habits?
• Or are you tackling social conditioning, such as religious or cultural influences?

So, understand both the context and nuance of where you are. Sometimes certain thoughts arise because you're in a high-stimulation environment and feeling negative. Recognize that this is your state and take action to solve the puzzle. There's always going to be obstacles; you just need to learn to solve them. The progress may be gradual but is achievable with consistent effort.

Let’s break down how you can make long-lasting, permanent changes to your Inner Game and the strategies that will keep you on track even when the going gets tough.

1. Consistency Over Perfection

The biggest misconception about self-improvement is that you need to be perfect from day one. People often get discouraged because they expect to see dramatic results quickly. But lasting change comes from consistency, not from being perfect.

The brain learns through repetition. The more often you engage in positive behaviors, the stronger the neural pathways become. This means you have to make working on your Inner Game a daily habit—something you incorporate into your routine just like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast. Even small, consistent efforts add up over time.

**Tip for Success:**Set up a schedule that works for you. Start with simple daily practices—such as mindfulness, exercise, or journaling—that reinforce your Inner Game. Do these consistently, even if it’s just for five minutes. Over time, the accumulation of small efforts will lead to a big impact.

2. Developing Self-Discipline and Resilience

Motivation is a powerful tool, but it’s also fleeting. The true driver of permanent change is self-discipline. The difference between those who achieve lasting success and those who don’t is their ability to keep going even when they don’t feel like it. Self-discipline requires you to push yourself through the tough days, the moments when progress feels slow or non-existent.

Self-discipline is closely tied to resilience, or the ability to bounce back from setbacks. When working on your Inner Game, you’ll face challenges—whether it’s falling back into old habits, dealing with rejection, or confronting deeply ingrained limiting beliefs. But each setback is an opportunity to learn and grow. The more you persist through difficulties, the stronger your Inner Game becomes.

**Tip for Success:**Whenever you experience a setback, reframe it as a learning opportunity. Ask yourself: “What can I learn from this?” Rather than dwelling on failures, focus on what the situation can teach you. Over time, this mindset will help you build resilience and self-discipline.

3. Building Emotional Endurance

Another vital aspect of making lasting change is developing emotional endurance. Changing deeply ingrained beliefs, behaviors, or mindsets isn’t easy because these things are often tied to your emotions. The emotional discomfort you feel when stepping outside your comfort zone can cause you to retreat to old habits.

The key is to push through that discomfort. Think of it like lifting weights: the heavier the weight, the stronger you get over time. When you challenge yourself emotionally—whether by facing fears, trying new things, or confronting limiting beliefs—you build the emotional endurance needed for long-term change.

**Tip for Success:**When facing emotional discomfort, practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that change is hard. Don’t expect perfection, and don’t beat yourself up if you struggle. Keep showing up, and over time, your emotional endurance will increase.

4. Tracking Progress and Celebrating Wins

One of the most powerful motivators for long-term change is seeing the progress you’ve made. When you actively track your progress, it helps you stay motivated and gives you concrete evidence that your efforts are paying off.

Tracking doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as simple as keeping writing a short Field Report or write in a journal where you note small wins each day—whether that’s a positive social interaction, an instance where you controlled your emotions, or successfully sticking to a new habit. Over time, this habit of tracking progress builds positive momentum.

There's a reason why I've seen the same pattern over the years that students who consistently write Field Reports week in and week out are the same men who GET BETTER THE FASTEST. It's not just experience that matters, it's evaluated experience that matters.

Equally important is the practice of celebrating your wins. Change is often slow, and if you only focus on what’s still ahead of you, it’s easy to get discouraged. Acknowledging and celebrating your achievements—no matter how small—keeps you engaged and motivated.

**Tip for Success:**Create a progress or Field Report journal where you can track your efforts. Make a habit of writing down one or two positive actions or insights each day or if you want to be more indepth, write field reports of your most successful or educational interaction with women that you can either learn from or celebrate your successes with. At the end of the week or month, reflect on how far you’ve come and celebrate your successes, no matter how minor they may seem.

5. Reinforcing Positive Habits

One of the reasons why permanent change is so difficult is that we often rely on willpower alone. But willpower, like motivation, fades. Instead, focus on making positive changes habitual.

Habits are automatic behaviors that don’t require conscious effort. Once something becomes a habit, it’s easier to stick to it because you no longer have to actively think about doing it. This is crucial for maintaining long-term Inner Game progress. Whether it’s practicing gratitude, managing your emotions, or staying socially active, creating positive habits will make it easier to sustain your progress.

**Tip for Success:**Start small when forming new habits. Focus on one habit at a time and use triggers to help reinforce it. For example, if you want to practice mindfulness, you might decide to meditate for five minutes right after you wake up each morning. By linking new habits to existing routines, you make it easier for them to stick.

6. Embracing Growth Mindset

One of the most powerful shifts you can make for long-term change is adopting a growth mindset. This means believing that you can improve through effort, practice, and learning. When you embrace a growth mindset, you stop seeing challenges as obstacles and start seeing them as opportunities to grow.

This mindset allows you to stay flexible and adaptable, understanding that setbacks or slow progress are just part of the process. People with a growth mindset are more likely to stay committed to long-term goals because they don’t expect immediate success—they understand that real change takes time and effort.

**Tip for Success:**Whenever you face a challenge, ask yourself: “What can I learn from this?” Focus on effort over results and remind yourself that improvement comes from practice. With a growth mindset, you’ll stay motivated and resilient, even during the toughest parts of your journey.

7. Surrounding Yourself with Positive Influences

The environment you’re in plays a major role in determining whether you stick to your commitment to personal growth. If you’re surrounded by people or influences that reinforce old, negative patterns, it becomes much harder to make lasting change. On the other hand, being around supportive, growth-oriented people can greatly enhance your journey.

Find friends, mentors, wingmen, or communities that align with your goals and values. These people will not only hold you accountable but will also inspire you when your motivation dips. Whether it’s a trusted friend who encourages your growth, or a coach who helps you stay focused, surrounding yourself with the right influences is crucial for lasting change.

**Tip for Success:**Evaluate your social circle and environment. Ask yourself if the people around you are helping you grow or holding you back. Seek out mentors, coaches, wingmen or peers who support your vision and keep you accountable.

Conclusion: The Power of Long-Term Commitment

Lasting, permanent change in your Inner Game is not about intense, short bursts of effort—it’s about sustained commitment over time. By being consistent, building emotional endurance, tracking your progress, forming positive habits, and embracing a growth mindset, you create a foundation for deep, lasting transformation.

Remember, it’s not about being perfect—it’s about showing up for yourself every day and putting in the work. Change is hard, but the rewards are immense. The stronger your Inner Game, the more confident, emotionally resilient, and fulfilled you’ll become, not just in dating, but in every aspect of your life.

Developing a strong Inner Game requires a long-term commitment. It's a gradual process that demands consistent effort, self-awareness, and positive reinforcement. Despite setbacks and challenges, maintaining a positive mindset and staying focused on goals can lead to lasting improvements in Inner Game and overall well-being. 

The journey involves ongoing self-awareness, practice, and the continuous application of new strategies and insights. Celebrating progress and reinforcing positivity can help maintain motivation and ensure a rewarding and successful journey.

Key Takeaways:

• Inner Game: Encompasses self-esteem, confidence, emotional resilience, and overall mental health.
• Macro and Micro Levels: Influencing long-term behaviors and specific interactions.
• State-Based Inner Game: Balancing intellectual understanding and practical application.
• Emotional and Logical States: Maintaining an emotional connection during social interactions while the only logical thinking is on logistics.
• Social Conditioning: Understanding and deconstructing cultural influences to align beliefs with personal goals.
• Social Hierarchies: Recognizing and navigating class-based expectations.
• Sexual Anxiety: Building self-confidence through positive experiences and reframing negative beliefs.
• Commitment to Practice: Regular practice for unconscious competence and natural interactions.
• Emotions, Mood, and Temperament: Positive experiences and healthy beliefs for long-term changes.
• Physical and Environmental Factors: Exercise, diet, sleep, and sunlight for mental health.
• Self-awareness: Managing intrusive thoughts through positive reinforcement.
• Practical Tools: Pre-game rituals, power poses, and grounding exercises.
• Emotional Regulation: Deep breathing, positive self-talk, and mindfulness practices.
• Long-term Commitment: Consistent effort, self-awareness, and positive reinforcement. The Inner Game Iceberg: Mastering Confidence, Emotional Management, and Your Identity For Dating Success

The reason why no one takes us seriously, is because ppl know theirs no reprisals/consequences for fucking with Indians. I feel as if, we gotta make it a norm for every desi to get decent training in boxing and if someone runs their mouth we gotta smack em so they learn their lesson. I’ve been seeing videos on twitter from Germany, whereby Turks and afghans are fucking up the country but no one does shit cuz they’re afraid😂😂. The goal is to be feared but dont go out of ur way searching for trouble, only cause havoc when acted upon. Hopefully boxing and mma culture picks up in India as well. We need a firmware update as an entire ethnicity. This Ghandian shit ain’t it.

Moving to the U.S. as an Indian man has been a mix of excitement and challenges. On one side, you’re trying to adapt to a new lifestyle, and on the other, there’s the pressure of living up to family expectations from back home. I’ve personally felt overwhelmed at times, trying to manage everything on my own—especially when you don’t have the same support system you’re used to in India.

For me, it wasn’t just the practical side of life that was tough—it was the emotional distance too. Being away from family, feeling disconnected, and still trying to meet their expectations really took a toll. It made me realize how easy it is to lose yourself while balancing both worlds.

I wanted to share this because I know a lot of us might be in the same boat. How have you been handling things since moving here? What has your experience been like with managing life in the U.S. and the expectations from home? Let’s have an honest conversation.

My parents moved to the United States in 2005 when I was around 1 years old and my sister was 8 at the time. They moved because my mom had found a better job opportunity as an electrical engineer in Massachussetts, and I'm sure many of the first and 2nd gen immigrants can relate to this experience of moving to a western country from India due to a parent's career opportunities.

We moved around a bit after coming to the US and ended up settling in California. Once we were situated, my dad ended up going back to Europe to work as a mechanical engineering contractor. Because my dad was often gone, I was raised by my sister and mother, two very hardworking women. My sister was still a teenager and was still figuring life out at the time, but she still made time to spend with me, and we're still extremely close to this day as a result. My mom was often busy working to provide for the family, and we didn't see her often during the day, and even when she got home she would work late into the night, me and my sister often falling asleep to the sound of her in meetings.

It wasn't until I started elementary school that my dad decided to move back in with us. He quit his job abroad, and would stay at home, often attempting day trading, and occasionally looking for jobs. My mom tried several times to get him to work at her company, but these stints were often short lived. I think a part of him felt it bruise his ego that his wife was more successful than him, since he was raised in a culture that valued men being the breadwinners and wives being homemakers.

My relationship with my dad has always been complicated. For a long time, I never respected him as a man because he didn't earn much money, and from what I saw of him he was quite lazy, often sitting at home on the couch doing what seemed to be nothing all day. Anytime he would try to give me advice, I would write him off as I saw him as a failure, even since I was a young kid. His resentfulness towards his life would often boil over and he would get physically abusive with me, my sister, and my mom. This only made me hate and fear him more, and as I grew up I lived in fear that he would blow up at any moment to hurt me.

Now that I'm 20 years old, I sort of understand him better than I did back then. He never seemed like a man who wanted to have a family. He only did it because it was what his family wanted from him. Not only that but he missed his family back home, and would much rather have stayed in India where his mom and dad and the rest of his siblings were. He wasn't there when his dad died, and throughout all this loneliness, he couldn't find any employment or purpose other than cooking and taking care of two children who were rather ungrateful and only were nice to him when they wanted something from him. This isn't an excuse for the abuse, I still think that everything he did was awful, but seeing the way his life turned out made me realize that as men, we often aren't loved unconditionally, and that if we don't work hard for our success, not even our own families will love and support us.

In the past few years, I have come to appreciate him more for the things he does to keep the house running. He is extremely clever, and knows how to do things that I would need to call a handyman for. He never backs down from a challenge and tries to do it all himself. He brings me out to help him when a tree needs to be cut down, the hedges need to be trimmed, the attic needs to be cleaned, and we even did the electrical work to install a new set of lights in our house together. He has also been managing a property in India, and is now getting involved in a rental property we just bought here in the States too. Instead of calling a crew to clean up the lot we want to build on, he went there everyday for 3 weeks and with my mom and sister's help they cleaned it up on their own (I was in university at the time and came to help afterwards).

The saying that "wise men learn from the mistakes of others" has helped me to realize the things in life that I need to do to make sure I am a better man than my own father. I know that many people in this subreddit have some kind of hatred towards their own fathers, but realize that it is also their first time being parents, and for most of you, they did what they thought was best even if that ended up not being the case. Instead of us complaining about how our parents fucked us up, we should be appreciating what parts they did right, and looking for ways to fill their shortcomings on our own. Being self reliant and independent is one of the most masculine qualities and that includes teaching yourself things you should know and not complaining about why your dad didn't teach them to you.