Pensamientos de un narcisista

Hoy te recorede y te imagine con tu nuevo novio y lo feliz que eres y mi mente empezó a imaginar que soy un hombre de alto poder que siempre anda armado un mersenario sin sentimientos te observo directo a los ojos veo que ya no hago efecto en ti veo que no hay ningún sentimiento hacia mi de ti y en eso tu novio me quiere confrontar jaja ahí mi pendejo saco mi corta y hago que se arrodille a pedirme perdón y lo consigo pero a lo cual mi respuesta es un que te perdone dios y disparo me casua un placer saber que te hice volver a sentir algo por mi jajaj no era lo que quería exactamente pero me siento bien y solo fue un pensamiento

If you need someone to talk to or had a rough day, I am willing to listen.

I have been NC with a narsisistic mother for 6 years and I'm currently in the process of cutting out the rest of the family due to similar patterns.

Much love, you are strong.

Hello, does anyone have a narcissistic mother who also has moments of being very affectionate? My mother is like that, so I feel confused about the personality I’m dealing with, as if she were two people in one.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant. (Almost 7 weeks). He thinks I’m cheating on him when I’m not. Context: My ex/father of my other 2 kids is incarcerated. He tries to call from time to time but I never answer. I have him and his attorney in my phone under the same name because it was easier. I normally don’t receive calls from his attorney though. Anyways, my boyfriend was using my phone as a GPS and my ex tried to call but since the iPhones got the new update, the voicemail looks like a text because the transcript pops up. So he swears I got a text from someone when I didn’t. But I don’t want to tell him it was my ex calling. He always tries to make things worse than they actually are. I’m not sure what to do. He hasn’t seemed interested in me for weeks anyways so I’m not sure why he cares anyways.

Hi I’m trying to find a subreddit that will actually let me rant about my household and not turn it down because it’s not bad enough or I don’t know how to use the app and it asks for an attachment. There’s a lot of yelling in my house which isn’t bad in itself I don’t think it’s just that my parents yell and then blame the reasons they’re unhappy on my siblings and I. Not to mention all the homophobia, transphobia, racism, misogyny, etc in my house from my parents, going from ‘oh gay people are to privileged and are groomers blah blah.’ to ‘insert type of people of certain race/trans people’ deserve whatever bad happens or shouldn’t be surprised when they get killed’. And it makes me feel unsafe I don’t know why or how they can say stuff like that. a few years ago I was forced to come out as a Demi-girl and all hell broke lose, took all my stuff, took away my friends, took me out of school, scared me with videos of trans people de transitioning and then talking about how it ruins you life (I was a younger teen and easy to manipulate my views) I am a bio girl too, and my dad told me that my mom who had breast cancer at the time that i probably killed her because of it. (I wasn’t going to come out due to the stress of cancer treatment) they told my whole family and i felt humiliated as a young woman who just wanted to feel safe. And I know this is all over the place and it’s long but there’s more, I don’t know if it counts as verbal abuse but I get called names not that that’s the worst thing but I remember being called a bitch and screamed at for not doing the dishes right at nine because I messed up the placement in the dishwasher. They degrade me and it hurts a lot to be told in useless and I do nothing and all this other stuff when I clean all day I take care of my siblings and my niece all day long and it’s tiring. Being in this house and dealing with the same thing everyday is tiring and I don’t have the motivation to do anything I love and I don’t have the motivation to take care of myself and the only thing keeping me sane is a fucking show from 2005 or some shit. I’m done. I can’t wait to move out of this fucking house and I hope I never have kids because I know I’ll be the same verbally and emotionally and maybe physically damaging like my parents were when I was younger. And I’m tired of feeling like I can’t vent or rant because my friends have it worse. I’m done.

I don't normally do reddit posts but I need to know if I'm not alone, so here I go...
I have been caring for my mother for so many years of my life (18 to be exact). I'm now a young adult. It's just her and I, no one else (no other family or anything). She's had health problems her whole life, and now has acquired disabilities and a neurological condition. It's full-time caring - even down to helping her walk, or helping keep her safe through daily seizures. It's exhausting.

We've always been really close, and have gotten through a lot of crap together. But whilst she's loving in many ways...she isn't happy or nice. For years, I've had her calling me names almost every day (ones I won't write on here because this post will get taken down). She's belittled me, gaslighted me etc. I'm no perfect child, I've had my attitudes don't get me wrong. But despite trying to be the most hardworking and perfect kid growing up, she would get mad at the smallest things. And then make me feel bad for it. And when I think things are on the up...they spiral so freaking fast. It's sent me to some dark places y'all. That's not even half of it, but that's a long story.

I've tried talking about it. She won't apologise and gets mad.
I WANT to leave and find my own apartment, escape the toxicity that is my mother and our relationship. BUT...I'm her only carer. Despite the numerous times she's said I'm a burden, she needs me every day - from getting groceries, attending appointments, making food, helping her through seizures...

We're trying to get her support, but it's so hard and so expensive.

I don't know exactly why I'm writing this. I guess I'm looking to see if anyone can relate. I'm just so mad at her now to the point where almost everything she does annoys me, and I can't be around her. I have to, but I'm so exhausted of everything she's done. Again I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve what she's done to me.

But I just want to know if anyone else has been stuck like this? Striving for freedom but held down by obligation and the love you still have for a family member?

Don't know who'll see this, but thanks for listening to me

A few examples:

1. She insisted a lot to wash all my clothes when I visited, she seemed so nice! When I picked up my clothes, ALL blouses were stained with bleach! Accident? ALL of them! She pretended was an accident and I couldn’t prove that wasn’t! But all of them?

2. I live overseas, and spend lots of $ to visit her. She made an appointment with me in a patisserie but when I arrived there, she was somewhere else (in another clothing store in front), never picked up the phone, it was gone! But when she finally attended me, she said “oh I am here at the store in front” then I said “ok I am heading there! Stay at the store!” When I arrived at the store, she wasn’t there, she was at the patisserie!!! and she remained playing with me for HOURS like that! going back and forward from these 2 places! Until I got tired! I felt like a cockroach running after her! Anything like this happened to some of you or just me? It looks like innocent but also a mind game! And if I confront her, she pretends it was all “just an unfortunate accident or coincidence”! It also felt like gaslighting! :-( Please tell your stories if you have similar ones! #narcissistmothers

I want to discuss something that has been disturbing me for a few weeks. I've been watching "The Asunta Case," a true crime series based on the case of Asunta Basterra.

The thing is, beyond the alleged guilt of her parents (which I believe), their psychological profile seemed eerily familiar to me: it reminded me of my own parents'.

In the case, the mother underwent a psychological assessment, which determined she was a narcissist.

Moreover, the hypersexualization of her child and the accusation of drugging her daughter with benzodiazepines, which were her own medication... it mirrored my mother's behavior.

Additionally, the conflicted relationship between the parents, with the father portrayed as obsessed with her even after the divorce, also resonated with my own father's behavior. I would say the father has ASPD.

P.S.: She committed suicide in jail, and it was reported that she was arrogant and introverted. I might add that I believe she also had ASD, as something deeply connected to narcissism, though I'm not entirely sure.

It's been a year and some months since I don't talk with my mother. I raised a wall between us since january 11, 2023, when i was in a fragile moment (both financially, mentally and in health, I almost became a homeless person) and I needed her help. She blackmailed me saying that she would only help me if I ended my 7 relationship and I would come back and live in her house and basically give her control of my life.

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I left home 7 years ago when I started my relationship with my girlfriend (now my fiancée), and since then it was some kind of a cold war between me and her, where i struggled to build financial and emotional independence and she was always chasing me trying to get back the control over my life.

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When I stopped talking to her in jan-11-2023 she stalked me and sent a lot of common friends after me to try to have information about my life or to try to force me to talk to her. Not to mention that she ruined my reputation with those people, telling lies about me and portraying me like a demon to them.

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In september 2023 my grandma passed away and i briefly tried to reapproach my mother to show some compassion, only for her to hurt me again, using all of her psychological weapons to try to destroy my self esteem and to sabotage my relationship. (I think that deep in her heart she blames my fiancée for "stealing me" from her)

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Nowadays the only person on the family that i talk is my aunt. She has always been supportive and understanding, but recently she has shown signs that she is on my mother's side in this fight.

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Yesterday i was in a call with her and, for the first time ever I tried to explain my pain to her (my aunt), hoping for the story of my pain to reach my mother via my aunt....

I told her about being sabotaged; about being rased not to be independent, but to depend always on my mother's final word. I told her about being rased to be "the perfect child" and being punished psychologicaly and physically whenever i made some mistake. I told her about the pain of she sabotaging EVERY romantic relationship that i ever engaged... only for my aunt to invalidate my pain, try to justify my mother's behavior... I know that my indirect message will never reach my mother's ears.

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I know that narcisistic people don't recognize their mistakes and I know that they never regret their actions. But i can't help my self... I'm desperate to make my mother see everything she's done to me throughout my life, I'm desperate for her to recognize that she hurt me and that today I'm a problematic and traumatized person thanks to her actions.

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But apparently even my aunt, who was my last family link, was brainwhashep by my mother. I feel like an Orphan, an orphan with living parents (my father is cold, lives far away and don't even remember that I exist.)

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I'm crying in this moment. I feel that my inner child is desperate to be heard. But nobody is listening. It hurts a lot, I always felt like I had no voice and I'm feeling it again right now (it triggered that trauma).

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What should I do? Sorry for the long post and for my bad english.

My mother was a mixed bag. I do t know if she was diagnosable or not, but the last thing I knew about her was that, given that she had a medical diagnosis of a chronic illness, she used it to use me and control my life.

She told me, while she was in the hospital, that she was hallucinating the cats walking around. I was on speaker phone with her when the nurse walked in and asked her if she was ok. She said she was. I interrupted and told the nurse that she was hallucinating and my mother poo pooed it. Played it off like it was nothing. And that was when I realized that her “emergencies” were her making me jump through hoops.

This is a superficial summary of the issue, but I think it conveys the idea.

My best friend from high school got a job as a caregiver and was assigned to my mother. She would work HOURS over her allotted time with no pay while my mother nitpicked her actions. Turn the forks upright in the dishwasher, make sure the corners are on the bed right, etc.

I sat here tonight with her and my spouse and we all spewed trauma from my mother and my friend talked about HAVING to load the dishwasher a certain way now because my mother’s voice rang in her ears.

I just couldn’t. I grabbed the urn and I threw it. It dented. And eventually I rose and threw it away.

I can’t let the dead consume the living. My mother had good qualities. She did. But the pain is too real. She caused so much trauma and my friend was hurt and it hurts so bad.

And the urn is in the trash now and I’m shaking. I see it there. I want to take it out because how could I do that!? How can I leave it there!? But the living must live. We hurt because of her actions. But I miss her. But it hurts.

My wife remembers that when she was a child and cried, her parents would leave her in her room with the light off and the door closed... until she stopped crying. What do you think?

My wife remembers that at 3 or 4 years old, her parents would put her fully clothed in the cold shower, when she would have tantrums that were supposedly "uncontrollable" according to her parents. This for several years remember happened.

Like many of you, I grew up with a narcissistic father and a codependent mother. My father is a full-blown narcissist, most likely unaware and clueless about his toxicity. He's now in his late 60's. From childhood through adulthood I had to endure devaluation, lack of love, being used, and basically emotional and psychological abuse. Of course, I didn't know anything about narcissism until my mid-30's when I divorced my ex-husband (who is a narcissist too). It seems that we choose similar partners to dad or mom, or a combination of them.

As my father ages, he's now more and more lonely. He got a younger woman, and has been living with her for a few years; but in general has been from woman to woman since my mom and him got a divorce over a decade ago. The grandiosity of the great man he once was is gone. His children went No Contact with him, because he neglected cultivating a relationship with us. He was always busy hunting for "Supply". He actually discarded me over a decade ago, and came back to use me again a few years later... getting me back in the dynamic... even got me in debt... and then discarded me when I was of no use. Of course, I was for many many years hopeful that my father would change his ways... but it's his nature and he can't change. Essentially, I was manipulated until I finally discovered narcissism, the dynamic, and the behaviors. I decided to go No Contact back in 2021, and blocked him everywhere. Especially because a simple conversation with him on the phone always left me feeling worthless and emotionally drained for over a week or two.

Anyway, I don't want to over extend this message... but I would like your opinion. What did you do when you were in this situation? Empathy sucks because I feel bad for him. I know he's old and suffering and needs SUPPLY. It took me years to heal and get to where I am now. I don't want to risk anything by breaking No Contact, but my conscience doesn't let me alone. He recently sent me the typical "Hoover text messages" for Christmas and New Years eve: "I love you so much and miss you, I hope to see you soon".

And I thought: "Well, I don't miss you... where were you the last decade when I needed your advice?"... no calls, not there for birthdays, not there for holidays... now it's only when it's convenient for him.

I ignored the text messages... What should I do?

Hi,

first and foremost I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating, or if I'm actually on point with my feelings, but I need to get this off my chest, because the things that happened burden me and I would be thankful, if you could help me with it.

My family of origin has a lot of problems and most of them are somewhere to be found between alcoholism, narcissism, borderline disorder and huge financial problems. At the beginning of 2023 I have decided to cut most ties with them, because of a lot of things that have happened.

We got along okay after I recontacted dad in Autumn and tried to make things better. We didn't have the greatest relationship, but it was okay and it worked.

I wanted to make things okay again with mom this Christmas, so I called her (we were in contact over the phone before). I think it slipped from her tongue, that my sister came home for Christmas and that they've planned dinner and everything. Only that I wasn't invited.

And that hurt me.

After a year full of a lot of turmoil (my father lost the house because of his financial wrong doings) I was used to those kinds of things and to be very honest a little part of me was relieved that I didn't have to go through this ordeal. On the second Christmas day, I wanted to at least have contact with one of my parents, so I decided to call me dad. He was weird straight from the start and he decided for us (for the lack of a better word) to go for lunch in a restaurant. We had an okay time because I have watched my words carefully. After dinner, he asked me if it would be okay if I could get the check.

And that hurt me again. A lot. I mean, I'm a grown man and I earn my own money and all. But I felt like a worthless piece of shit.

The thing is, I'm okay with being grown up and everything that comes with it, but somehow I feel like it would still be okay to show appreciation and feels. It wouldn't be wrong, after all I'm his son, and it's Christmas, and it was his decision to go for lunch anyway.

I told him these exact things, and he offered to send me the money on the very next day. Today he has called me and told me he would pay the next time, we go out.

Mind you, he has just sold our home for several million dollars (without putting anyone of us into consideration).

I just want to know from you if I'm exaggerating. If there's anything that speaks for him in this case. If it's normal to not invite your grown up son for Christmas and not pay for his dinner.

I don't know if I have ever felt this worthless.

Buckle up folks!

My dad died from brain cancer 6 months ago. Tonight I went to a dance class my friend was teaching to get my mind off things. (Context I am 26yr old)

I come out of the class and received a sad Micky mouse graphic from my 70 yr old aunt that said “as old as we are, we always miss our daddy sometimes״

I asked her why she sent me this and she said “because I know how much you miss your dad”

This caught me extremely off guard and felt really triggering so I tried to explain my feeling (something that she told me to do because she thinks it’s wrong for me to hold on feeling about her)

So I said “I just got out of a very fun dance class and did not need to be reminded that my dad is dead….. Like I know you haven’t had a close family member like this die in a while but this is NOT what to do. Do not do this to people out of the blue unless they approach you with the subject.

Thank you “

She then responds by saying “ It was nothing more than a “loving hug” and thinking about you but no worries, I won’t show i care anymore”

Is this a narcissist thing? Or boomer? Like I really don’t know why she can’t say

“Hey I’m sorry, I will only bring up this topic when you bring it up first. I didn’t mean to make you said l”

She also then said “I cannot make you feel any way. How one feels is up to them”

I had to further explain by saying “No you just sent me a photo reminding me that my dad is dead. Your action caused me to feel sad that is all I am saying. Just be accountable and don’t bring up a sensitive topic unless someone brings it up to you thank you”

She responded “no problem. ever.

I said “thank you. It’s okay, we learn. I am not mad at you”

She responds “Trust me. Ever. I’m not going to walk on ice. I talk to people all the time and send my warm thoughts and ask how they are doing, etc. they appreciate the thoughtfulness, not get mad because they were/are reminded of something. You could have just said, “Aw, that was sweet. Thanks for thinking of me”.

I explained to her again that I don’t need to be reminded that my dad is dead all the time and she said “There are reminders ALL The TIME. It’s a constant. That’s why a little comfort now and then should feel good, not bad”

I simply told her to call me to ask me how I’m doing next time because that’s more comforting to me….

How do I set boundaries with a narcissist that thinks they KNOW how I feel but can’t handle me telling them how I feel?

I have always been confused with my family. Today i think both my mom and dad treat me badly. I have a sister, three years older than me. She never complained in front of my mom and dad. I always defended my mom, from words that my dad said to her. My sister has always been quiet or become of my dad side. I never did understand her. But, my dad and mom love her, become happy with her. My mom complains always about money, but she and my sister go shopping and arrive super happy. I think my sister manipulates people as my dad. My mom says everything is alright, even if my dad treats her badly. She say it is normal and doesn't have nothing wrong. I can't see that way and I always say something to my dad or I say to my mom that's not ok. My mom says i have a problem, for saying they are bad. My sister stays quiet but when she is with me, she says my dad don't know what he is doing, he is not doin well. My sister never tell my parents they are wrong in front of them. My sister can say i am wrong in front of them, just to avoid arguing, even if that makes me feel terrible, as if i was doing something wrong, saying that it is not ok, that dad says bad things to my mom. I have always feel that I am crazy, because noone says something. Today, I am doing therapy, I owned some self esteem about myself and know that I am a mature person, for saying that things. It still bothers me, i still am leaving with my parents. I am afraid, when i get out from home, how will be my relationship with my parents and sister. I always wanted to get out from home earlier, I don't know if they do my life worst, I will have to get away from them, that scares me. Am I a good child? Just want to protect my mental health.

My nMom(43) & I (22)(w) just moved in together a few months ago & of course I knew what I was signing up for when I came down here but man I was not prepared for this. A little backstory for context since a kid we struggled with housing, my brother & I lived with family members, slept on couches, you know the vibes. My Dad at the time was making it a point to make her life more difficult, which in turn meant my brother & I had to suffer as well. Not trying to diminish any of the hardships she went through, even if it was at the hand of her own terrible decision making, we struggled. But the way she would milk this struggling young Single-Mom, babydaddy from hell, “we’s alls we’s got” trope shamelessly to get sympathy from whoever was not only embarrassing, but very insulting to the people who actually cared about our situation & wanted to help. She believes she did everything by herself, with no help from anyone, but you can bet she has a contact list full of people on standby for her next episode in life. My grandmother is kind of emotionally distant, so the only way she knows how to love her children is literally by providing for them. Just giving them their wants & needs when they’re fully capable of providing for themselves. It’s exhausting seeing her literally save her social security checks for their emergencies throughout the month, gas, cigarettes, car note, etc. It also kinda makes me resent her as well, as she is enabling their adult baby behavior. But back to my original story, I had a serious relationship for 2 years that ended at the hands of her as well😭(that’s a story for another day)where I had to move out & kinda left me displaced. Somehow ended up in a motel with my mom & brother for about 6 months until my mom & the court system got everything figured out with my Great-Grandmothers property.(So grateful to be past that valley, it was really dark times then, my brother got an opportunity to travel for work so he is stable as well!) So of course when my mom finally gets the house she’s welcoming me to it, doing her little “we’re never going to be homeless again” monologue, script memorized, giving an A+ academy performance. She’s saying my voice and feelings matter, I won’t have to bills, she’s not going to smoke cigarettes in the house knowing how much they bother me, just slabbing it on real thick. I mean from past experiences I knew not to trust her, so I didn’t expect her to keep her word on any of that. We started having problems right away, the first week of us being there she called the police after we got into a disagreement & I refused to pick up a table that I pushed on the floor out of a fit of frustration. But just imagine having a relationship with someone where a minor inconvenience or difference of opinion could turn into y’all not speaking for days or even weeks, now imagine how stressful it is living & sharing bills with this person, which I’m pretty sure most of you don’t have to imagine, as it is reality for most of us😂 so a few weeks ago I decided to start meal prepping & even asked my mom if she wanted to be included to which she seemed excited & said yes. We share a food stamp card as in both of our incomes were submitted & calculated to receive the amount we do, but her name is on it. Need I say more ? So when I use the rest of my half of the stamps to buy groceries for US, that’s a problem. Mind you we’ve been here for 5 months & this is the first time the house has actually had groceries & food to cook, she only buys snacks & junk food. So she’s mad she doesn’t have snack money for the 12 days left in the month, & starts to nitpick at everything I bought saying she doesn’t eat this she doesn’t like that, when she approved of my list before I even went shopping. So I ignore all of that & just start cleaning out the fridge to put everything away. It’s so many containers & pots just filled with rotted takeout food so I throw all that away & ask if she could wash the dishes. She starts side stepping & making excuses “Oh let me finish smoking my blunt first” & ends up falling asleep. It’s the next day & she’s running up to me all giddy & happy about a date she’s supposed to be going on & I just feel like the biggest dick because I really didn’t care. I didn’t want to hear it because the sink is still filled with dishes. So I calmly ask her if she were going to wash them, “I don’t do dishes on my off days” is what came from her mouth without an ounce of shame. “Why don’t you just wash what you need to cook, why do all the dishes have to be washed?” I’m almost astounded that this is a 42 year old woman I’m speaking with. I don’t know Mom, why does anybody want to cook in a clean environment ? It’s just going to get right back dirty, why even bother ? When she says that to me, I lose my cool, we get into before she leaves, I wash the dishes I needed to cook & threw the rest outside. She tells me I need to move out in 60 days because im disrupting her “peace” & that if I don’t want to see a kitchen full of dirty dishes I don’t have to be here. Which is true, & exactly what I’m about to do. I don’t know why I’ve been fighting so hard to stay here. I’ve been miserable trying to prove I belong here, that I pay bills so I should have a say in this, that I take care of that. It’s multiple reasons. I wanted her to FEEL OBLIGATED to provide us with housing now since she couldn’t give it to us as children. I now understand thinking like that doesn’t help you grow. But I’ll admit when she first gave me notice I felt like how dare you not help your child when you’re in a position to now where you weren’t ever before ? I also felt like I had nowhere else to go, seeing as how we were all in a motel room 5 months ago. But I’ll figure out what this life has meant for me. I hope to go no contact with my mom the day I move out, although we haven’t spoken in weeks we live in the same house so seeing her makes it especially hard. I’m so heartbroken to realize I’ve been in this one sided relationship for so long with my own mother, & just now understanding the shell of a human she was turning me into. It’s always so interesting they can pinpoint at what age/stage of life your “spark” went away but never want to understand what the cause for that was🤔 Anywho, Goodmorning Reddit hope y’all have a wonderful weekend

My dad is very verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I’m 19m and I’ve dealt with this guy my whole life and he hasn’t changed. He’s outcasted my 13 year old brother.

He constantly belittles everyone he comes against in an argument. Saying things like: “I fucking hate you kids” “you’re a fucking idiot” “you’ll never succeed”. Who the fuck says that to a 13 year old boy? That’s disgusting.

He throws things when he’s angry, grabs my mom, one time he pushed her to the ground.

He does a lot for the family and I understand he’s stressed out with all the bills to pay, tells me he hates his job. And driving grandma to kidney dialysis all the time. But he should NOT ever act this way.

I just don’t know how to approach him he gets so belligerent when you speak up to his ways.

My mom doesn’t help either. When they argue they’re just fighting for the last word.

Narc mother buys extravagant expensive presents for my sisters sons birthdays and Christmas. But buys cheap and nasty awful presents for my son.
My sister is the golden child. I am the scapegoat .
She has bought Fitbit watch for her other grandsons that cost her hundreds.
Last year for my sons birthday she bought these cheap, nasty KMART walkie talkies that would've cost about three bucks. They broke straight away and were not appropriate for his age anyway.
This year she said she bought him a tennis ball and Peppa Pig magazine. This would've cost her five bucks. He is too young for magazines and she's bought them before and he's never been interested.
She said snidely-- "Well I bought the tennis ball because I knew I wouldn't get it wrong if I just got that."
Blaming me. However- she's never ever asked me or him what he wants for his birthday. I even mentioned He would like experiences like tickets to fun things.
I am so mad. Do I have a right to be mad.
I am so sick of this.

And every so often I’m tempted to call my Nmom and just scream.

Scream about how she ruined me.

Scream about how wrong she was.

Scream about all the pain I feel.

Scream that I hope she suffers.

80% of the time I’m ok, but that other 20% I have so much regret.

I didn’t have a voice before; I cried and sniveled and begged.

Im strong now; I have such a strong voice now. I wish I had this voice back then- I wish I hadn’t been so passive, blamed myself- I wish I had screamed my lungs out.

Because I deserve to be defended. My voice deserves to be heard.

I’m not sure what good it would do, but it makes me chuckle sometimes imagining how shocked she’d be with how loud I’ve become.

A little background my one year-old son needs to get tubes because he has so many ear infections. Rescheduling him for his procedure and my mom asked if she could come and what time. I said no I prefer if it was just his dad and I there because we are only taking him there and back home, which is an hour away from her. This seems like manipulation to me.

I've always been a daddy's girl, so maybe you can call these daddy issues. But when I tell you carrying these resentments towards him almost destroyed my romantic relationship, I mean everything I've wanted and worked up these past 3 years would've been gone for nothing. For stupidity.

I'm writing this to tell everyone to stop holding onto past traumas, past resentments. I've built a horrible habit of holding onto everything wrong my dad did to us, and I have held it against him ever since. It affects how I treat him and communicate with him.

It wasn't until I realized it was poisoning my romantic relationship with my fiance that I found out it had poisoned me too.

I'm going to paint you the connections and let me know if you've been through this or something similar. And if you haven't yet seen the light, or didn't even know you were going through this, maybe this will help you onto the right path.

My dad is a narcissist. When we were growing up, my mom, sister and I always had to walk on eggshells and worry about how he was feeling and what kind of day it was going to be. He emotionally manipulated us and made Us feel bad when really we didn't do anything wrong. It was all him.

I didn't start hating him until I was around 16 17. I'm 22 now going to be 23 in less than 3 weeks. So there's been alot of repetitiveness of these thoughts in my head for the last 5 to 6 years. Enough time to fester a hatred so much that it was just natural at one point. And how I would never let myself be vulnerable or get hurt like this again. I'm better than him, I'm stronger than him, I don't need him, and I'll ignore him and treat him like dirt. There were times he was being genuinely nice and wanted nothing at all but to just talk, and I would lash in hatred at him, or think of all of it all over again and keep hating him even more. How can he be this way with me now when before he couldn't do this with me? How come he doesn't own up to what he did several years ago, or what he continues to do now? He does. He's still narcissistic, but not as bad as he used to be. With me anyway.

So anyway, my relationship with my fiance has not been easy. I didnt know it would get this hard until I actually went through with it. To say the least, there have been resentments I've held onto from him, and over the course of two years I've been lashing out almost in the same way as my dad used to do to us. He expresses how I make him feel bad sometimes, how he has to worry about how I feel or walk on eggshells with me. And at first I was in my head and thought 'No, you did me wrong and I'm always right, You won't win, I'll win. I deserve to have my feelings heard' and in some cases, it wasn't Just.

Well, it wasn't until I heard myself in my head say ' you won't do this to me again, I won't let this happen to me again' where I've figured it all out.

I connected the pieces and it was like God was talking to me. His presence revealed himself again after all this time. It was like my old self before all this mess was coming back. My down to earth sweet person which of whom my fiance chose to be with for the first time when we first started dating showed herself again.

The way that I have been holding onto things against my dad, is the same way I've been holding onto things against my fiance. It's a pattern. And I lash out at my dad sometimes when he's being sincere and genuine, and it's the same way Im mean to my fiance in taking jabs at him, mentally writing him off, distancing myself from him almost as if we were just roommates, not caring about his feelings or the relationship as a whole.

I'm still upset about everything my dad had done and I've held it for so long, that I'm just always mad at him all the time. And I'm always upset with my fiance because of all the wrong he let happen to me and what he did in the past, that I've just been mean to him and always have something secretly against him.

And I literally did Not ever think I would turn into my dad. I did not ever think I could make someone else feel the same way I felt, because I knew how crappy it was and how bad it hurt. But I did. Because I thought it was right. Because I was trying to get even and have him answer for everything.

But then I realized I was lying to myself the whole time. During every small problem, I blew up and took it all way to far. And I told myself 'This is Just. For everything he did before, he deserves this Now to make up for it'. But that's wrong. He's already apologized. We've already had that conversation a long time ago and moved on. But I hadn't. I was bringing old problems into new situations, and the habits I was building of lashing out was holding me back from being successful. Successful in my relationship with my fiance that before all this, I Wanted to last. Successful with my relationship with my dad, and honestly, Successful with All relationships with friends, family, jobs, and school. Everything ties in together, but this got me.

My fiance is a good man. I wouldn't have escalated things further since the first date, or our engagement, if he was a pos. He is total complete opposite. He's wonderful and beautiful in every way a man can possibly Be, and it hurt to find out that I was tearing this man apart, unrightfully So. And he took it. He changed and evolved everything around me. He made sure I was first and I was okay, even when I was doing him wrong. I pointed out I was being a spoiled brat, selfish, and irresponsible. He would never tell me something wasn't right until I pushed him so far that he said it.

So I was taking him for granted now. I wrote everything nice and everything he did for me off because I thought 'this is Just because of what he did before' you know, the resentments. I wasn't believing him when he said he loved me anymore, I wasn't loving him the way a fiance should to their significant other. In My Mind I had wrote him off because of those resentments. Instead of moving forward, I was bringing things back that we had already talked about and settled.

And I realized the bigger picture, was that he was still being nice to me. His intentions were always good and never ill hearted the way I was towards him. He took care of me and still I lashed out at him for things in the past. He did nothing wrong in those moments, I Did.

My dad does nothing wrong in the moments he calls to see how I'm doing and I ignore him. I'm wrong. I'm wrong for holding these resentments towards people when they're not doing anything to deserve lashings at them.

Never try to get Just. Only fight back when they do you wrong but Never try to fight something that's bigger than you. Those resentments were actions They did. Nothing I could change or could have controlled. And so this reminded me of a message I remember: Let God handle it. Don't try to get even, and when loving is hard, still love. And when you make enemies because of these resentments, keep them close. Because this whole time these two people I looked up to were trying to do right by me and change in front of me, but I held it back on my end. Because instead of receiving it, I let the past dictated my future.