I wanted to love her

To feel her touch on a winters night

Dance with her under the northern lights

To hear her sing with the birds

Maybe in another life

I wanted to watch her smile

To learn what makes her laugh on a cloudy day

Soaking in her joyful sway

To hear her say I love you

Maybe in another life

My heart is occupied by a love I finally deserve.

Yet, in my random depths, between the darkness and the void, there you are.

My dearest.

Have you ever lived in the shadow of a man?
As a child he seemed so awesome
As an adolescent he seemed so cruel
As an adult he seemed so pragmatic
Watched jealously as others admired him
Wept privately as he admonished you
Welcomed cautiously as he tried to guide you
Never an equal
Never attainable
Never enough
But still
Always an eclipse
Of what you wished to be
Have you ever lived in the shadow of a man?

Why didn’t my dad want ME in his life

Why did I turn that inward, forever internalizing

I still wonder how I’d have turned out if I had his love

Instead I ended up with two terribly traumatized humans

They only knew how to take it out on me and my brothers

This red headed stepdad complained of his abuse only to deal out plenty of his own

My mom, I asked her, why couldn’t you protect me?

Why did you listen when I asked for us to run away?

The damage was done by then so I don’t even know if it mattered

Remember me pissing outside when I was five?

That wasn’t bc I didn’t know how to use the restroom

But so I didn’t have to go home to you two

Imagine, but you two couldn’t rub your brain cells together for a single thought

So instead I was punished, as usual

It became a custom, one I began to welcome

At least then I’d know what to expect

All this emptiness and clear lack of love

Left me on one mission, find it for myself

Even in the worst places, even when I should have known better

It was the only thing I cared about, when I should have been goal oriented

I ask why you two couldn’t love me?

Why wasn’t I enough?

Well in my search for love I never stopped to ask

Do I have what it takes to give the love I seek

I know that answer, with a heavy sigh, it’s a no

In the darkest of nights

The most feculent of streets

The most loathsome of encounters

I see your shadow

lurking, slithering in detestable ways that haunt my mind

Street rat, abominated and devious

Parasite, consuming me inside out until a void was all is left

Vulture, feeding on my genuinity just to get by

My perception of love has been distorted then demised in your very hands of deception,

in the name of innocence

you made me sick to my stomach

I knew you were nothing worth remembering

And you never came in the scene while I was conscious

yet your callous ways and destestable scheming has been ever clear in my subconsciousness

I feel ashamed

For that knowing I’m still haunted would leave a sinister smirk on your face

Still the enigma has not been ramified

How could one be so desperately attached to his sin

to pester and pester until there’s nothing left

to hunt me through alleyways until this memory becomes not only a reality?

Finally karma has prevailed over your corruption

However your conviction is a mere facade

and my liberation is a superficial delusion

for that the past could be compensated but never forgotten

If you ever visualize love, I hope it’s me that you see. And if your heart plays a tune, I hope it sounds like me. 🦋

I am stumbling and sauntering

On a red, narrow, brick winding road

Dragging my feet

Splashing and sploshing through the goop, guck, and the glop

Engrossed and engaged

Preoccupied in thought

Like winding a watch too snug and taut

Then being stupefied when it breaks

Blinded and disoriented by the gloomy and blurry fog, clouds, mist, and smog

Vigilantly observing every landmark and milepost

In the event that I experience a change of heart

Rotate 180 degrees

Turn and head retrograde and backwards

Never been one to candy-coat

I perceived and noted telltale signs we were catastrophically and calamitously approaching erosion, corrosion, implosion or an explosion

I often felt like you were charging and stampeding me

Like an aggravated, inflamed, raging Buffalo

When I expressed and articulated my feelings you would often project

In asynchronous transfer mode

Eventually we converted and fermented into a cesspool

A place where germs feed on juicy stools

A place where cockroaches live and thrive

A place where rats survive and breed prolifically in overdrive

A place where your hopes and dreams become infested and infected with sepsis

Choking, drowning, suffocating, and dying

We became sewer alligators slumping and wading through the muck and the pooh

You always had a gaslighting comment lined up in the queue

Arguments typically centered on you

Epically and futilely failing to express yourself genuinely and authentically

Your actions failed to match your words

Words without action is not love

Actions speak louder than words

Deceptively, disloyally and dishonestly emotionally cheating and infidelity

Inherently, I became riled and triggered

With steam coming out of my ears

Reacting dejectedly, distressingly, malevolently

Becoming wylde and feral

Like a straggly, stray, rapid dog infested with rabies

My words came across torrent and discordant You personalized and absorbed my words like a sorbet

It was difficult for you to conceive and comprehend that my reaction was not my typical, lucid coping style

Because of my own toxicity, I made you feel de-humanized, viled and exiled

You never rebutted sympathetically, regretfully, or denyingly

It became burdensome for me to react and respond benevolently with delicacy

Cat is out of the bag

You only wanted me to exist as an anonymous Reddit fad

Both of us are incredibly and obviously imperceptible and intense

With a profusion of emotional depth

Yet, marching to the beat of a different drummer

Our anger, pain, and resentment brewed, bubbled and festered

Until we wound up solitary, in isolation, sequestered

Our cesspool overfilled and overflowed with sewer water

Becoming hazardous, treacherous and odiferous

A dicey situation

Offending the nostrils

Contaminating and infiltrating the effortless, unsullied, unalloyed flow of water

That used to cascade, circulate and permeate between us like spring water

I requested and solicited for you to peer at yourself in the mirror, reflecting introspectively

Or tip-toe yourself out the door gracefully and non-expressively

Finally reaching and arriving at a crossroads

Pausing dead in my tracks

A turning point

A fork stuck in the road

A four way intersection

Go left or right

Forward, backward, or sideways

North, East, South, or West

Off the beaten path

Take the shortcut or the scenic route

Do I stay or do I move on?

Continue this liaison

Like a moron running a marathon

Kiss you good-bye

Dance and prance on

Like a proud, enchanting, mystical unicorn

Coercing myself to take a step in the suitable, sustainable direction withdrawn and forlorn

Knowing navigating love is never a smooth and flawless situationship

I will everlastingly reminisce and miss our devilish, back and forth playful banter and levity

Our hearts groped and palpated the magnitude and gravity of our predicament

Comprehensively and objectively

Heavy as the hand of death

For a moment I visualized and captured you in my twinkling third eye

Then you slipped and slithered through my fingers

In a fraction of a nanosecond

Like grains of sand streamlining through an hourglass

She smiles a lot, too much, and her eyes hold a melancholy about them - kindness masking sadness. 🦋

These self-help books are making me cry

Heavy they float in my ears

Bringing a sting to my eye

“I am so fucked”, I say behind tears

My father didn’t deserve what he went through, but neither did I. I remember praying for his happiness because if he was happy, it would all be fine. He was anger and sadness and terror. He let the darkness overtake him. I don’t want to be like my father. I want to be happy before I die. My father didn’t deserve what he went through, but neither did I.

I too once fell in love, In the early days of September, And my heart danced a rhythm sweet, For a girl beyond compare.

I too was convinced, so sure, She'd be my bride, my life's allure, And in days to come, we'd share, Moments, dreams, beyond compare.

A house nestled 'mongst the peaks, With a cow, a quaint retreat, Hand in hand as the sun would sleep, Our love, a vow, forever deep.

With each dawn, her smile divine, Her eyes, like sunbeams, in mine, I believed she was heaven's sign, Yet now, she's gone, and I repine.

Tell me, what thoughts did you weave, In those nights, when you'd believe, In whispered dreams, our souls would cleave, In desires like ocean's heave?

You, the emerald in my night, With eyes that held the stars so bright, Even the sun would lose its light, When you, my love, came into sight.

Your hair, a silken cascade, Hands that held a heavenly grade, Your gaze, a journey, where we'd wade, To heights where dreams and reality fade.

A word from you, a soothing balm, In your touch, I'd find my calm, Together, we'd rise like a psalm, Our souls entwined, in love's own qualm.

You, my temptation, pure delight, Like Aphrodite, in love's sweet rite, Athena's grace, in every fight, Yet wounded too, in love's cruel bite.

You, a meadow dressed in bloom, I, a tear in night's dark gloom, You, a sky with stars abloom, And I, a star, in your love's room.

I linger now, a fading ghost, You, the idol I loved the most, In your story, I'm but a post, You wrote my tale, in love's grand boast.

Now, you speak to others fair, Yet in my heart, you're always there, But my heart, now cloaked in despair, For like you, none can compare.

you misread my question

instead of answering what plant i was

you said which planet i am

you called me venus

/

i was taken aback

my words stuck in my throat

as my eyes read through

the sentence that you wrote

/

i laughed in our texts

brushing off what you possibly meant

you also compared me to mars

with how my cheeks would turn red

/

but there's no denying

just how fast my heart was beating

you called me venus

you called me beautiful

Dark empress of my doom and gloom
In my heart where obsidian flowers bloom
It sings and it swoons
Like blackbirds it croons
From the darkest side of the softest moon

Kindred spirit of my earthly desire
You’ve built in me these forests of fires
Our love to admire
Unbothered we retire
To where melancholia is derived and inspired

My queen of despair you fill up my air
With the shadow of love and all that we share
Silhouettes of music hold us with care
Yet no other song ever compares
To the everlasting gaze of your heart laid bare

My darkling of ether you bring me to life
It’s beauty is tethered to your loving light
It festers and then takes flight
With the passing of nights
Nestled between my heart and your eyes

Zesty ---‐‐------‐--‐-----‐---------------------------‐------------------------- By: Raymond A Febles -----------------------------------------------------‐------------------‐-

"It's one thing to live out your life with nothing more than heartache, hardlined gumption, and patience... but the truth and reality of the matter that there's is always the taste of bitter defeat to be had when all is to be said and done right when the day ends and the checks and balances are done after the usual maintenance... warranted, it's really all about life's trails and tribulations and all, "so said," little saving graces... but the enamel wears thin when you're just getting by, and its all by the skin of your teeth, and dentures are far from obtaining when the price is too high and the feeling of hunger beings to get heavy when the matters step up just to get weighed in... but in the end, life's lemons are all up for wholesale just because how could you live life without a glass of fresh lemonade and the fortune of two-bit opinions stuffed in a sac marked, "all are for Satan"... It's time to wrap it up to end another evening of getting into the layers of the onion... more food for thought... and now that if everyone is hungry, they can serve themselves a hot plate and begin to take a look at themselves from the tip of the iceberg to all the way deep to the depths within them."

The damsel will cause distress

Why is it me when they ask about your regrets

I prayed for your path, you prayed to impress

I cannot . . . the damsel will cause distress.

Is this place ready to implode?

I just want my clouds to break; I don't wanna shake and I can't be alone.

I'm expected to let the past stay dead

You lean on them and plague what's in my head

I cannot stand that . . . the damsel will cause distress.

The cynic in you is ready to attest

Narcissist in me is ready to smolder

I cannot stand that you are blessed.

I am one beholder of many and . . .

The damsel will cause distress.

i showed her my heart.
and still

she stayed.

Trees sing broken songs

Soft shadows from the small glow

Flick, ash in the wind

Energy,

Raw Power

The engine that keeps on pushing,

hour after hour.

​

​

Ringing in your ears...

Voices, so many voices

booming and screaming.

Through out your final years

​

​

Terrified.

Looking through the glass

everything you see

deified.

​

​

In the dirt:

In your finger tips.

The warmth of a tree,

see what i see.

In the gym's embrace, my worries unwind,
Weights lift burdens off my mind.
Each rep a step toward inner peace,
Where stress and doubts find their release.

Sweat drips, heart beats, a rhythmic flow,
In this sanctuary, I choose to grow.
Muscles strain, but I feel alive,
My safe place where I strive to thrive.

So let the world spin, let troubles pass,
In this temple of strength, I find my class.
Gym, my haven, where I truly see,
Bettering myself, setting my spirit free.

I lay awake at night,

staring at the ceiling in the dark,

i hear a voice, sit upright.

"Im not crazy," i remark.

I lay back down,

and try to rest

but i'm in a town

my screams, suppressed.

I wake up in the morning,

my body aches and creaks.

there should be a warning

for when the voices start to speak.

You walk alone,

At night,

Cold harbor field,

Must have been the worst hurt, given the fight,

You have ever felt, possibly the murder,

Happened, in the moonlight.

I wish I could ask you, if you're alright,

You walked up behind me, stopped,e standing, you directly

Behind,

I thought I might, might find someone there,

But your.combat boots gave you away,

The air behind me, felt cold, terribly electric.

I find that in the living,

It's best to magnetize yourself,

But what I felt, that very night,

What magnetism,

And I didn't know,

If you were saddened;

I want you to know,

I'm sorry for disturbing your energy,

When you're probably lost and suffering,

And I hope the next moment,

I encounter you again,

I'll have a friend that can set you free,

Or hopefully, that person,

In my most collected energy,

That, this person, could be..

...me.

Across vast seas, five thousand miles,
From kin and kindred, distant smiles,
In foreign lands, I carve my way,
Amidst the hustle, day by day.

Memories linger, voices call,
Echoes of love traverse the sprawl,
Yet in the distance, bonds remain,
Tethered by love's enduring chain.

Through time and space, we stay connected,
Family ties, never neglected,
For though the miles may stretch and strain,
Heartstrings bind, through smile and pain.

To live without worry,
To live a life so short
To live life in no hurry,
Not needing death as a last resort

It was bare bones

Not much to it

Almost like you could hear its ghosts’ moans

But no, that’s silly bc there wasn’t much to it

Mb it should have been buried

Then would it have sprouted?

But no, those bones never really did seem worried

“Those sack of bones!” You shouted

They was never much to it

Shaking the dangling brittle pieces

Oh you notice there’s a chip

Any love these bones had to give ceases

Ha! These weak bones were always so whit

You knew you deserved better

Look at them, jagged and rough

You wish you had never met them, they lacked almost all pleasure….

These decrepit bones will never do

There wasn’t much to them

They should have been used in a broth for some kind of stew

At least then they’d have caused less mayhem

These worthless bits of calcium

Who arranged these grotesque remains

Missing everything vital, down to its tongue

What good is this skeleton, lock it up behind chains

So no other persons is subjected

To have to experience its callous

Where all it leaves you is feeling dejected

I’ll cheer to that and raise my chalice!!

The martyrs of passion

Like moths drawn to the fire

Deprive of their sight

By the smokescreen rising

From an aching heart

Consumed by the flames of desire

Lacking insight youth is misled

Into the cold and desolate

Landscape of negativity

Where innocence will cease

To be

1.) Take me out dear one After can I take you home
And feast upon you.

2.) What does it take love My money, my heart, my time
Your fine as aged wine.

3.) Surrounded by beings Amused at their way of being I’ll never understand.

By. Joshua Rivera

You're my favorite flower

Petals of your beauty I gaze each day

And I could be lost for hours

As I watch your hair, like galanthus, sway

From your petals to stem, beauty in infinite profusion

Your smile, enough to craft a better day

Oh, how you leave me in a state of confusion

Wondering how you make me feel this way

to love the rain

even if it is a hurricane,

to feel no cautiousness

in such lawlessness,

just a moment

i have no opponent,

​

the rain protects me

like a latch key,

there are ways to get in

but sitting here in my twin,

i sleep in layered wear

and offer an unanswered prayer,

i do not need to sleep light

as my blankets are air tight,

he will not be seen

unless it is dreamed