The last few months have seen a great emphasis on social distancing due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and many solutions offered on r/pitchforkemporium have mainly been longer weapons. But length often comes at the cost of wieldiness, and has an upper limit before being too heavy to use.

This post highlights some early experimentation into wormhole technology to overcome the problem of distance without resorting to lengthening the pitchfork.

The current pitchfork design is essentially a typical pitchfork with an added wormhole device, with two key buttons:

1. 🔴 Shoot a harmless laser at a surface and tag the spot
2. 🔵 Open a portal immediately in front of the pronged end, and another portal where the spot is; pressing again closes both portals

So ideally you'd tag a surface near your intended target, pop open the portals, give a quick stab, and close them again quickly. Not only would this extend your range as far as the tagging laser can go, but the extremely brief period of keeping the portals open means drastically reduced risk of transmission of any viral disease.

A brief demo:

1. Set the tag on a nearby surface, e.g. a wall

ヽ( ･∀･)ﾉ --🔘🔵--E ..................... (-_-) ⭐|||

2. Pop open the portals

ヽ( ･∀･)ﾉ --🔴🔘--E 🌀 ..................... (-_-) 🌀|||

3. Do your thing

ヽ( ･∀･)┌-- --🔴🔘🌀 ..................... (>〇<) ☆ Ǝ--🌀|||

4. Quickly withdraw + close portals

ヽ( ･∀･)ﾉ --🔴🔵--E ..................... ? (ノ `Д´)ノ |||

Of course, one important caveat is that the wielder must make sure not to close the portal prematurely, or risk destroying the pitchfork, or even decapitation of the user. Safeguards will be considered in the future if this project develops further.

File 1: DiamondDNF's Log, January 27th, 2019.

Whilst scouring the wastes of the internet for materials, my employees found something... interesting. A cluster of glowing black emojis. The head of the research team, Dr. Kennedy, came back strange. He said not a word to any of us, simply setting the emojis on the table and immediately preparing a resignation form without two weeks notice.

The rest of the team had noticed he was acting off, and said it started when he had come into contact with the emojis. Black hearts... very interesting. I know emojis are an unstable source of power in an already unstable internet. I wish to research further into this... Demojic energy. Yes, that sounds like a good name for it.

File 2: DiamondDNF's Log, February 1st, 2019.

It has been not even a week since we started investigating this Demojic energy, and already we're understanding it more than we had before. It wasn't just Dr. Kennedy... it seems anyone who comes into contact with the substance for long periods of time is corrupted, irreparably.

Dr. Blumont, who I assigned as head researcher of Project: Blackened Heart, took the worst of it. He had taken a Mauling Fork off of the production line and threatened to kill us all if we didn't hand over all of our black heart emojis. Luckily, our security staff took care of matters before they got worse.

We will have to approach this project with more care... we can't afford this becoming a regular thing.

File 3: DiamondDNF's Log, February 7th

We believe, with extensive testing, that we've figured out just what causes these emojis to corrupt, to drive others to kill. They draw off negative emotions. According to Dr. Samuels, shortly before he succumbed and attacked security personnel, it felt like "having a demon whispering inside your head, promising you power in exchange for your bloodlust. You can't deny it forever."

This is unsettling, but at least we've figured out what causes it... after five or so more attacks, that is. We've made an agreement, that all remaining members of Project: Blackened Heart have agreed to. In order to prevent things from getting out of hand, upon the release of the product, every single personnel who has come into prolonged contact will be terminated in order to prevent the corruption from getting to them, and tarnishing my business's reputation.

Every cloud has a silver lining, however. Now that we understand Demojic energy to some extent, we can now research how to imbue a pitchfork with this power, likely with a similar apparatus to what allows a standard Emoji to work with a pitchfork. We believe that we can finish a product by the day after Valentine's Day... perfect timing. All the negative emotions, brought about by loneliness on the day of love.

It's almost it was planned...

I've been experimenting with my basic pitchfork of choice

_____× and decided to add on some tools I've had in storage for a while.

The ✓ alone doesn't do much, and the © is great for boosting the sell price on merchandise, but once combined I suddenly can chase vagrants for miles and feel amazing while doing it

Don't know what's all at play here, but I like it.

Buy your ✓© component bundle today

i don't know if this has been debated before but can this Pitch Fork be used for the big kids?

_________|\
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯|/

No secret that emoji have pretty much permeated online communication, and inevitably we've seen more and more people crafting and selling pitchforks incorporating emoji components.

But we also know that emoji can vary greatly depending on what platforms you view them on. Seems strange that nobody's questioned whether the emoji-infused pitchfork's properties would likewise change.

For instance, would this pitchfork --⚡--E have different shocking power on different devices?

Don't currently have the time and resources to deeply investigate, but I'm still throwing this idea out there to any researchers keen on this unexplored domain.

All righty, researchers, you heard me! We've got a limited amount of time to come up with some new designs for tomorrow's big game. Remember folks, this is EA we're talking about. The e m b o d i m e n t o f e v i l. We need to bring our A game.

Now, show me what y'all have got.

Edit: [Edit blocked to non-premium users. You can unlock this content by writing angry nonsense on /r/gaming or by paying 15000 PitchBucks™, payable to the PitchforkTheory Moderators Union, Inc, LLC]

if 3Pitch = Fork, and 3Stab = Lynch, then Lynch = Fork

if Lynch = Fork, then 2Lynch = 2Fork, and 6 Pitch = 6Stab

---E < ------EE

This disc [o] may look like an ordinary disc but behold [ð] as it reveals a pitchfork concealed in the disc [o____>].

Greetings and salutations, my fellow researchers:

I realize it has been some time since last you heard from either myself or the other mods here. I hope this post finds you well! That being said, and formalities having been dispensed, I should very much like to say tha-

Look, I'm going to cut to the chase here. Most of our posts are archived now because we haven't had a new post in over 4 months. So this is just me saying, Hi! Please don't forget this sub exists. I'd love to see folks post here again, even if the pitchfork "meme" is in its death throes.

Anyway, have a great day, y'all.

-----E

⊂-------⇚ This may look ordinary, but when it is reversed, it enables an emergency mode , transforming it into this: ⇚-------⊂ Both modes are fully usable and easy to mass-produce.

#Acknowledgements

Special thanks to the People's Republic of PitchforkTheory (PRPT) for arranging my temporary accomodations, and providing the necessary research facilities, without which this heavily coerced study would've been impossible.
^^^^^Still ^^^^^wish ^^^^^they ^^^^^didn't ^^^^^confiscate ^^^^^my ^^^^^own ^^^^^lab ^^^^^equipment ^^^^^and ^^^^^research ^^^^^materials ^^^^^though

#Introduction

The PRPT has in recent times seen a strain on pitchfork productivity to sustain the strength of their strong military forces, currently numbering hundreds upon thousands of brainwashed die-hard highly skilled patriots. Each soldier has to be supplied with a standard issue militarized pitchfork, which is replaceable upon irreparable demage.

One major factor hampering pitchfork productivity is the dwindling supply of vilynium ore from the local mines. As of now, vilynium is the only metal permitted for use as the pitchfork's base material.

However a few months back, a few enslaved miners stumbled upon a rich vein of an unknown metal, currently nicknamed "kamertonium". This study aims to investigate kamertonium's utility in pitchfork production, either as a complete substitute of vilynium, or for use in a vilynium-kamertonium alloy.

#Methodology

The current manufacturing process involves pouring the molten metal into a hollow pitchfork cast, then rotating the cast slowly over several hours to allow even cooling, reducing likelihood of weak spots emerging in the pitchfork. Then {REMOVED BY PRPT'S R&D DIRECTOR DUE TO CONFIDENTIALITY}.

We will only focus on the composition of the molten metal in this step of the process.

Small scale testing

First we'd like to see what % composition by volume of vilynium and kamertonium in an alloy would yield an optimal balance of strength and weight: the standard issue militarized pitchfork should be both strong and durable, but at the same time light enough to wield for long periods under the high stress environment on the battlefield.

For a typical small test batch, 50 small samples of each composition are forged. For each type of strength (compressive, shear, flexural), a rigorous stress test measuring that strength will be applied to one batch. Meanwhile, a separate batch will be weighed.

Pitchfork testing

With the optimal alloy composition determined, we move on to actual pitchfork forging and testing. This time, two batches of 1000 pitchforks, one from pure vilynium and one from the optimal alloy, are forged and distributed to the military soldiers for use in their drills and exercises. After 3 months, the soldiers will report their experience with the pitchforks via anonymous survey, corroborated with the trainers' observations of soldiers' performance. The pitchforks themselves are also returned and scrutinized carefully for damage.

Double-blinding is employed to reduce any bias or placebo effect: the pitchfork batches are forged to be identical in physical appearance, and are simply labelled batch X and Y. Neither the soldiers nor the examiners know which batch is made from which material.

#Results & Analysis

##Small scale testing

The average results of the tests and weights of the small batches are compiled below:

{REMOVED BY PRPT'S R&D DIRECTOR DUE TO CONFIDENTIALITY}

From here it's already apparent that pure kamertonium is much lighter than pure vilynium, but at the expense of overall strength. However, the optimal composition of {REMOVED BY PRPT'S R&D DIRECTOR DUE TO CONFIDENTIALITY} clearly outperforms all other compositions in the strength tests, while allowing for roughly 40% reduction in weight compared to the pure vilynium.

Pitchfork testing

Since the optimal alloy allowed for a significant reduction in weight, it's not surprising that nearly all (99%) soldiers who handled the alloy batch felt they were lighter and easier to handle compared to their default pitchforks. The soldiers handling the normal batch did not report any such difference.

This may have had an impact on the stamina of the soldiers: those handling the alloy batch on average performed better in endurance-related tests (e.g. route marches) than those handling the normal batch, possibly because the lessened weight burden translated to slower stamina drain over time.

Furthermore, the group with the alloy batch reported much fewer broken pitchforks (roughly 2%) compared to the group with the normal batch (roughly 15%), likely attributed to the boosted strength of the alloy observed in the small-scale tests. Even among the pitchforks that were significantly damaged but still functional (10% alloy VS 30% normal), the alloy pitchforks saw drastically fewer occurrences of prongs snapping off (roughly 20%) compared to the normal pitchforks (70%).

Conclusion

Overall, the alloy composed of {REMOVED BY PRPT'S R&D DIRECTOR DUE TO CONFIDENTIALITY} seems to produce the best pitchfork material with our given resources and tools. The improved stamina of soldiers and obvious reduction in wear & tear hints at the great potential of the alloy pitchforks, in terms of strengthening the military force, and reducing dependence on the vilynium mines.

Further remarks

We cannot comment on whether switching to this alloy necessarily means a reduction in pitchfork manufacturing costs, mainly because we know little about the rarity of kamertonium within the vicinity of PRPT. This would likely require a thorough geological survey to determine the distribution of naturally occurring metals.

#PRAISE BE TO MOST GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF PITCHFORKTHEORY

Hello I am a field archer from /r/archery, we heard you develop some of the best gear in case of emergency's. As archers we are general not good at close quarter combat, and having pitch forks could be helpful. Could you please help me develop some archery based pitchforks? Just encase someone posts another Lars Anderson video or general shenanigans.

Possible designs, design changes welcome:

horse fork bow? (they are small bows)

-|)-E

Compound bow fork? I am not sure if I should reinforce the pole, or other designs. The cams on the side are sensitive, but it adds to the weight.

--=͟͟͞͞|}-E

==͟͟͞͞|}-E

Long Bow

---|)-E

Flat Bow

---|]-E

Crossbow (locking mechanism at front, trigger at back)

ᅲᅩ|)-E

Olympic Recurve (generally has a long rod on the front to stabilize the bow)

---|}͟-E

For purposes of development they should look like this when you shoot them ヽ( ﾟｰﾟ)ﾉ} =͟͟͞͞➳. Here is a set of arrows, {➳➳➳➳➳➳}. I am building some more arrows as we speak just in case anyone breaks some during development {⤚⤍,⤜⥇, ⤘,⤗,⤖}

Any other design or critiques are welcome. If it works out who knows when shovels try it invade we will have your back.

Having enough to advertise would also be amazing. (3 more)

Archery coach and potential mob member,

-Grasshoppeh

Edit2: Huzza dug through 70 pages of research(unicode) and completed my paper. I shall submit the proper documentation in the future for my designs.

---{⌁☢⌁}-E This is the simplest way to use nuclear power in a pitchfork. As you can see, There are 2 batteries next to the reactor in order to power it. It send radiation into whoever is stabbed.

----⌁E☢ This one is incredibly unstable. It only works once, as the nuclear part of the pitchfork creates a massive explosion

---{⌁⌁⌁⌁⌁⌁⌁⌁⌁☢}-E Expensive but powerful, this power-inefficient pitchfork sends a massive dose of radiation into the victim.

----⌁E☢☢☢☢☢☢☢ This is what researchers call a very bad idea. It can accidentally explode at any time, taking everything 1000 miles away with it.

At the beggining we have normal pitchforks. They can still be used to riot against haystacks and are effective in revolutions.

Next generation would be made out of more modern materials like steel and plastic. Same usage as above, just improved.

Now they separate into normal usage pitchforks and revolution ones. Difference is significant from this point on.

The revolution ones become more and more sofisticated to the point where they aren't pitchforks anymore. They become guns.

In next generation more sofisticated weapons appear so these "pitchguns" get rocket launchers, flamethrowers etc.

Almost at the end they get mass destruction weapons like nuclear missiles, death rays and nova guns.

At the very end, they start to produce black holes; universe is destroyed.

Ahem.

Sorry that this isn't anywhere near the formal report that I anticipated to release, but I might as well do it now.

For those curious about my absence within /r/PitchforkTheory, I can only profusely apologize, but at the same time I didn't expect my testing to go this awry.

To be brief, I'd been working on this prototype among several others:

🔌 --⌛⌚E

It was supposed to be a pitchfork that could target a victim in a different point in time from yours. Like maybe the past you who did something that on hindsight was aggravating even to you. Or the future president who would surely cause revolt, but you're too impatient to wait for the damage to occur. That sort of thing.

So my experimental set up was roughly as follows:

🔌 --⌛⌚E ---> ⛔🎯

In the present time, the target 🎯 is obstructed by an electronic barrier ⛔. I would configure the pitchfork settings so that it struck 5 months into the future, then strike forward. Obviously the target wouldn't get hit due to the barrier. Then I would wait for 5 months, at which point the barrier would automatically retreat a few days before "D-Day", and over the next week I'd check on the status of the target. Simple, right?

So I did just that 5 months back. You can see where this might be going.

Good news: the target did get struck 5 months later, with the barrier out of the way.

Bad news: the pitchfork also flew along to 5 months later. And took me with it.

Even worse news: the pitchfork seems to have stopped working, no matter what I did. So I can't travel back.

And... that's about it, really. Pretty much why I haven't been in my labs or office or residence. Note to self: use test dummy to wield pitchfork prototypes next time.

Also I really need to clean up my now dusty lab.

Sidenote: it'll be really helpful if someone could catch me up on what's been going on in my absence. Hard to sieve through all the ridiculous spam in my inboxes.

¥ | |

The thing fork I think it's called the Yen fork made in early China, we hope to revive it!!!

/u/PitchforkEmporium is back in business, so look sharp! Can't have the Boss know that we've been spending all our grant monies on a four month "sabbatical," playing vidja and drinking rye whiskey until the sun comes up or we pass out, whichever comes first; drowning our sorrows trying to remember the good times when this sub, like, meant something, man pure research. Yes, research.

We have here the basic pitchfork: ---E

Nice for rapid, easy production, but easy for the OP to defeat or deflect. We need to up our game!

---||☢E

THE NUCLEAR PITCHFORK!

Nice, I know. It even has a lead blocker to prevent irradiation of the "forker"!

OR

---||☣E

THE BIOHAZARDOUS PITCHFORK!!

Really efficient, it injects biohazardous materials into the OP!

Let's combine them!!!

----||☢=☣E

The channel between the radioactive material and biohazard allows for the radiation of the biohazardous material and instant injection of poison death of the foolish OP.

^^This ^^post ^^was ^^sponsored ^^by ^^the ^^Enhancement ^^of ^^r/PitchforkTheory.

Title, discuss.

That's right, folks. Pitchfork Theory is officially live. I will try to add a changelog to our wiki if anyone, like, at all is interested.

Anyway, as we move forward as a sub and as a community, it is important that we work together. That's why, as our resident stylesheet... person? I am enlisting your help to find bugs. If you find anything you think is either just plain wrong or could be improved, please please PLEASE message the mods! Thank you.

PS: If you find a bug you'll get flair

I was playing around with one of my pitchforks and I found it inconvenient that you could only use it on one side as so: ----E. Now there is also the left handed version: Ǝ---- but either way this is only left or right! I decided to research the possibility of having pitchforks with more tolerance for movement

W As you can see to the left that is an example of a up/down pitchfork! Using such
| a pitchfork brings more possibilities into the lynching world! In this article I | will demonstrate the positions for the main pitchfork types.

---E Ǝ---- ᙎ | ---{ }--- _/ Research is still going on and i encourage you to assist | | | in the comments! Happy lynching! | ᙏ |

EDIT: THE FORMATTING IS SCREWED UP AND I AM WORKING TO FIX THAT SORRY

I want to find the most popular form of pitchfork in town. To do this, post your favorite pitchfork or upvote if it's already on the list. I will remove duplicate forks. Thanks for the help!

I'm mainly making sure the system works right. I'm a n00b with Automod, so if anyone here has experience, help and teaching would be appreciated.

Calculating on my own using the standard design, indicated by the figure below

---E

And using knowledge of various fonts, knowing that in certain fonts the middle prong of the head of the fork can be smaller than in the top and bottom prongs, I took to calculating the variance of the prongs.

• The top and bottom prongs were 1in in my calculations, whereas the middle was only 10/16 of an inch.
• Using this I calculated a ratio (8:5) where for each 8 units of the top and bottom prong, the middle will be 5.

Following my calculations, I wanted to address the large gap in the handle of the pitchfork; labeled "Undesirable Gap".

Using the information provided, I took to maximizing a design of the traditional fork using a modified head, and shaft with less gaps.

Here is my design:

―――⋿

Design was tested using fonts such as:

• Comic Sans MS
• Times New Roman
• Arial

I would be willing to present my papers for peer editing.

**EDIT:**Eureka! Fellow researchers, I've discovered a slightly more beneficial material for constructing a handle, however in testing, the material could not handle various stresses (various fonts) and would gain "Undesirable Gaps" when changing testing conditions.

Here is the prototype design:

–––⋿

Use of this fork is cautioned, be wary of fonts used.

Acceptable Fonts:

• Times New Roman

• Arial

**EDIT:**Errors in formatting.

EDIT: Added secondary prototype design.

Thanks for viewing fellow researchers.

Regarding the widespread and increasing popularity of Pitchfork Theory, I propose a new mathematical constant to allow for easier examination and understanding of fork.

I propose;

#Epsilon.

Ε ε ϵ ϶

Lowercase for modified forks, Uppercase for standard, other for forks made by or not made by the user, respectively.

For all mathematical instances of the capability of a fork, this mathematical constant would be used.

For example.

FΕ = mΕ x a

Force of Fork = Mass of Fork times acceleration.

Please respond, and state what you think about this proposal.

#What is the conventional purpose of a pitchfork?

^By ^/u/AnAwesomeDude ^- ^Inventor ^of ^Laser ^Forks

The pitchfork, a dangerously effective weapon passed through the decades, centuries, and possible millennia. The purpose in other fields from combat are suprising, but what is the sole destiny of the pitchfork, what is it's purpose. This isn't going to be philosophical, but will instead use historical evidence to accurately predict the usefulness of a pitchfork, ranging from cyber-justice to it's nature in social and economic environments.

I am going to challenge the very nature of lynching, and examine the usefulness of the polearm-type pitchfork.

Now then.

#First Forks

Early prototype polearm-like creations were in Asia, including other metal tools, but were only for farming. There are rumors that only ninjutsu masters could master using the pitchfork-type weapons, but this has yet to be proven.

The rise of the pitchfork came in the Middle Ages in Europe. The pitchfork was a very good weapon for self-defense and offense; however, because of it's popularity with peasants of that age, knights saw it as useless, and did not use it. The weapon itself was impressively effective, forcing blades inbetween the prongs, ripping the sword from a knight's hands, and stabbing the unfortunate non-pitchfork-wielder in the chest repeatedly.

#Today's Forks

It's modernized use has been turned into pitchfork guns, with pitchforks being built to fit inside shells propelled by gunpowder, made from death's essence and salt(peter).

On the internet, it is used as a tactical approach to defeat OPs easily, from further away than a sword.

With how the forks have evolved from prototype pronged tools of agriculture, to being a social standpoint, to even being used to destroy posts, it has to be one of the most influential weapons in existence, besides the invention of the pitchfork gun in the Arabian countries, around 16 - 1800s, we are sadly unable to prove when it was constructed.

The pitchfork has ratified Reddit culture so much, using a sword without forking capabilities is a foreign and alien concept.

#Conclusion

With how it's been used so far, I predict the pitchfork will eventually be the dominant form of everything, and be the ultimate multi-purpose tool. It will first become the pitchspork, then the pitchlaser, than the pitchtool, and eventually the ultrapitchfork. This is the most likely outcome of future use of the fork.

Please dispute my theories and historical evidence in the comments, it's much appreciated.

#Inclusion

I would like someone, using this information, to create the ultimate pitchfork, further proving my predictions.

After hours of work, we here at the Laboratory have redesigned Pitchfork Theory with a new, sleeker look: the /r/Naut theme by /u/Cryptonaut (modified slightly by yours truly).

Anyway, use this thread to post any comments, questions, or concerns about the new theme.

Distinguished colleagues, I have gathered you today for one purpose, one discovery so unutterably shocking, I caution you to listen and read on at your own risk. Behold, the GIGANTOFORK:

                               ********
                              /**/////  
                              /**  
 ***** ***** ***** ***** *****/******* 
///// ///// ///// ///// ///// /**////  
                              /**  
                              /********
                              ////////  

Do not be alarmed, it is still only a pitchfork. It has been embiggened through the careful and measured use of Dr. E. Henry Thripshaw's long-lost larginating method, BigText.

What are the ramifications, ethical, moral, or otherwise, of this truly monumental discovery? Thoughts? Questions?