This is a bit of a rant sorry! I thought I was doing okay but it's gotten to my would be due date and I am struggling. Me and my other half decided to put a post on fb to kind of honour it and set the record straight a bit that we were done, anyone close to us knows that already.

It's also my husbands birthday today so we saw his family for some birthday cake this morning and they did all the usual things of mentioning adoption and "not giving up so soon" etc... I encouraged them to ask questions and we both did really well at explaining why this is right for us. It's just so surreal that they see ivf/trying for a baby as something to keep doing and never give up. They would likely agree with us stopping no questions asked if this was a gambling habit for example (which would probs have frankly better odds, maybe similar financial impact but less physical health impact - cos of how the meds affect my health conditons). It wasnt until I explained the financial costs, impact on my physical health and our emotions that they got it... then they immediately asked if I thought about getting a hysterectomy (a total 180 from them suggesting we keep trying 🤣) then adoption came up.

I'm glad to have been able to help them to understand why we are where we're at... (mainly cos it will hopefully prevent further questions/suggestions in the future) but I do just wish people already understood. Its not until you're passed TTC that you really see how ingrained it is in everyone that you NEED to have children or grandchildren to be happy/successful. Then they always end with "well you never know what might happen when you're not trying" 🙈🤣 really?!

I think I'm feeling more drained that i expected from that conversation as we are pretty much at peace with where we are. Anyway back to the other halves birthday celebrations lol... what a weird weekend

I did one round of IVF this summer (July) and we would do another round but we decided to stop. However, ever since July, my hormones feel out of balance.

I have two ovarian cysts confirmed an ultrasound the 25th of October. And also one breast is feeling tender on and off. I'm quite hypochondriac and very conscious of body. Especially after two times surgery for ectopic pregnancies. Mentally it's all very though but now I'm also fearing hormonal / ovarian / breast problems. I made an appointment with my GP for next week but still I'm overthinking it all day.

It's my birthday today and the only I do is checking my breasts for lumps :(.

Does someone had also whacky hormones after IVF for months? Or is it unlikely that it is still related?

Before IVF I didn't have any of these problems.

I just need somewhere to dump my feelings. I don’t want to talk to my husband about this because a) he seems to have moved on from the sting of infertility, and b) I don’t want him to know I’m still struggling. My brother and his partner (my best friend of 20 years) welcomed their third child this week. I’m over the moon for them and the baby is absolutely beautiful. I love getting all of the pictures and told my friend to send me all the baby spam she wants to. I haven’t met the baby as I live in a different country, so getting loads of photos and updates is the best. I’ve been doing ok until today, and then the pain hit me all over again. I fell flat and can’t get up. It doesn’t seem fair that they have 3 beautiful children (only one of which was planned) and I haven’t been pregnant one single time despite years of trying. Accepting that I’m never going to be a parent is not a linear journey. It’s so many ups and downs, but I want to be done with the shitty days when I just can’t stop myself crying and grieving what I’ll never have. I still don’t know what my future looks like and it frightens me. I want to stop having to overcome the urge to punch people when they say stupid things, like a colleague at work last May who said “happy Mother’s Day for the future” when I told her I don’t have children. Does the pain ever go away or will I forever be heading for the next horrid day of drowning in emotions I feel I should have moved on from?

My wife and I ended our fertility journey last week after our 4th unsuccessful round of IVF. I've been looking for resources and community to help process what we've been through and where we are now going. Nearly everything I've found is women focused, and while much of that content is relevant and resonates, I don't think the experience for men is fully the same.

Does anyone know of resources geared towards men processing and transitioning to this new phase? Books, podcasts, blogs, whatever?

Hey everyone

I finally got the courage to get all the baby stuff i bought over the years out of my basement and starting to make pictures for selling and giving away. I totally forgot HOW MUCH stuff I had, even a stroller. I can’t get rid of some clothes yet, but I‘m so glad I started because knowing that all that stuff is in my home made me so stessed out..

TW: Talk of infertility, bullying and pregnant friend

Please no advice - just want to vent and know whether anyone else has dealt with this. I've tried looking for other jobs but there aren't enough jobs in my field in my city. I continue to look but no luck yet...

I'm being bullied at work because I've tried to set boundaries with people about talking about their babies/pregnancy around me.

I had (not friends now) a friend in my team who was really insensitive towards me during my infertility journey. She would complain that it's too expensive to get a nanny after getting pregnant without planning to (she's much wealthier than me) while I was complaining about another pregnancy loss or another failed round. Side note: a big reason we can't continue trying is due to financial reasons.

I ended up telling her to please not talk about her pregnancy to me because she would complain about very tone-deaf stuff - this came after I stopped telling her about my treatments because she looked visibly annoyed whenever I spoke about it. This lead to her stonewalling me (ignoring me and my existence) for months before she went on leave.

This lead to my other team members also ignoring me because I work with a large group of people from the same country overseas so they would talk in their native tongue day in and day out. There were days when the only thing they'd say to me in English is hello in the morning (she would just ignore me though).

When she came back from maternity leave, she was suddenly wanting to talk to me again. No mention of how she literally ignored me for months. I of course was civil but whenever she wanted to talk about her kid I'd change the subject or just stop interacting with her. She's backed off a bit now, only really talking about work or the occasional joke.

I noticed she's been talking to a new group of people in the office, also from her home country, and the other day one of them came to our office for her help. They were talking in their native tongue together when he suddenly asked her in English how her kid is - almost to see what my reaction would be, like it was a joke. She responded in their native language and the conversation continued that way.

I've noticed people are more cold towards me around the office and give me looks. It's really hard to deal with and management has participated in bullying as well (or allowing bullying to happen) so it's not like I can report the behaviour.

I hate it. I wish I could just quit but I can't. Can anyone relate? 😞

I've had two second trimester losses. All of my testing shows no reason why, and I was getting ready to persue reproductive immunology. Now, with the threat of a national abortion ban, I can't risk another late loss. I may have ended up here anyway, but I'm still livid and heartbroken that the choice has been taken from me.

Not sure if anyone else here is on a similar journey, but if you are, I see you, and I'm so, so sorry.

I don't know how this page feels about politics, and I really don't have the energy to fight over it - but I have to say that I am disappointed and angry with the election results. It is heartbreaking to see that America would rather vote for a misogynistic, racist, privileged man than an educated, compassionate, and highly successful woman into the presidency. I have zero faith left in humanity. And the only silver lining is I don't have to explain this to my children, and I don't have to worry about their futures. Sending hugs to all the women who had hoped for better. I am sorry.

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

Pretty much what the title says. After trying medicated cycles, 2 losses and multiple failed IUIS, we decided to throw in the towel a couple of months ago. While I'm firm with my decision to be CF, I'm still processing/coming to terms with my emotions.

SIL and brother knew about my journey and losses over the past 4 years, but they were never really there for me.

Earlier this year , SIL found out that she's got low AMH and had a very slim chance of getting pregnant and decided to freeze her eggs. She reached out to me for support and I did the best I could and kept checking up on her.She unexpectedly found out that she was pregnant in September.

I am very happy for my brother and her, and also relieved that my parents will get to be grandparents and experience that joy. Now she's throwing it in my face constantly that she 'succeeded' where I didn't.

I know my feelings/emotions are my problem, I should manage this better, but she's making it out to be a comparative race of sorts- which I feel is not only in bad taste, but also insensitive.

I was low/occasional contact with them anyway, even prior to this happening, and am contemplating going very minimum contact, because it's just too triggering for me. I worry though that they will perceive it as jealousy from my end.

Just stuck on this roller coaster of emotions. Sorry for the long post everyone. I really needed to vent.

TLDR- I am recently CF, processing emotions. Sil having miracle baby, constantly pointing out that she 'succeeded', I didn't.

It is now been a year since we stopped fertility treatment and have been on the journey to accepting our IFchildfree lives. Last year’s holidays were a disaster of grief and insensitivity from some family members. This year for the first time since treatment we have decided to get a Christmas tree. Most of our ornaments were from our childhood and things we hoped to do with our future children. This year we decided to get some new ornaments that are a reflection of us now, our little family, including our dog. It’s bringing me joy to think about doing something new and different and that reflects us now instead of a future we’d hoped to have.

Is anyone else creating any new holiday traditions this year?

We're at my in-laws for Christmas this year. SIL has just announced her pregnancy.

We lost a baby that would have been three years old this Christmas Day.

I don't know how I'm going to get through the day

Since we’ve stopped trying (March 2023) & after my hysterectomy (September 2023) I’ve made so much progress embracing our DINKWAD life. It’s been hard but I’ve even found happiness in the things I thought would always cause me sadness. One of the biggest things that I continue to struggle through though is the holiday season. Last year for/during Christmas we treated ourselves to a cruise on a childfree cruise line and it was perfect. This year that isn’t really in the budget and this will be our first Christmas in our new home. I want to create meaningful traditions but I’m just kind of…stuck. How do you get through the holidays? What traditions have you and your spouse created over the years?

Rant here. I am trying. Trying so damn hard. We are still going out. Trying to have a semblance of a life. Going to adult centric places. It doesn't matter. Babies are everywhere. In dive bars when I'm trying to watch a football game. Trying to forget. And here they come walking in. Plopped down right in front of me while the mom complains about how their baby's eye is messed up and crying all the time. Handing her off to another bar patron so she can drink. Seriously. Why are you in here? I would never bring a child into this environment. I would do anything to be home with my baby instead of here. Yet here you are. I feel like I'm constantly running.Trying to find somewhere where I feel okay. Home is the only place I feel safe. I already lost so much and now feel like I never can leave my house again. Crying. Telling my husband to hug me. Wondering why she is more worthy than us. Why that is the better choice for a child than us. This life is not for the weak. And I'm exhausted trying to escape this. Sorry guys. This is heavy tonight. Thanks for listening.

One word: ouch. Today my dad came over and greeted my niece who was over for a sleepover and I instantly burst into tears over the interaction and had to run to the washroom. I feel so much guilt over never being to able to give them a grandchild. They were such good parents and theyd be amazing grandparents. Does anyone have any coping skills/ words of wisdom for these types of situations?

This was a top post on Reddit this morning for me.

It's an article about declining birth rates in the UK and they are blaming young people like me. The top comments were a list of reasons why young people aren't having kids and not one person mentioned infertility.

I'm 35. I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 9 and endometriosis at age 28. I've never been able to properly ovulate even with medication. I tried IVF several times and it didn't work. I felt very depressed when I was about 28 or so. I didn't feel like a woman anymore. I felt gender neutral. I felt like I didn't belong. All my friends already had 3+ kids and my family never struggled because my cousins all have 4+ kids each. My coworkers gush about theirs. I felt so alone because nobody could understand.

I'm in a much happier state at 35 and I've accepted it, but these kinds of articles anger me. They fail to understand us or talk about us. It's always money and the housing crisis and climate change and whatever. It's never simply well some women can't have children.

Without giving too much detail because it doesn’t matter, I went through several failed rounds of IVF, and we ran out of money.

So much pain and suffering. So many procedures, surgeries, injections, infections, weight gain, headaches, nausea, not to mention all the money we lost. And we have nothing to show for it, and we never will. We do not want to try again. We do not want to adopt. We are going to make our lives beautiful and full no matter what, I know we will.

But right now it still hurts so bad.

My friends are all getting pregnant after a month or two of “traditional” conceiving. I get told “soon it’ll be your turn” and I just want to run away and cry or punch someone in the face.

I guess everything is still very fresh to me, but having a biological child was so important to me, and now I have to mourn the life I thought I would have.

Sometimes life feels so unfair. I work really hard, I try my best to be a good person, help others and bring some light to someone else’s day even if it’s just with a smile. My spouse is generous and so incredibly kind. We spent all our savings doing IVF, and yet would always welcome our friends to our place for a meal or get gifts to others, while for instance two days ago some friends (who are a couple, a doctor and a nurse) sent us a Venmo request after they invited us to their tailgate despite we brought stuff for them and never even thought about asking for money from them for it. We didn’t even eat any of their food and brought our own drinks (that we shared with others). They know we are struggling with money too.

All of this to say that life is tough and I keep seeing baby posts everywhere. And I wonder when it’ll start to feel less painful. Less like I am for some reason undeserving, that I am “less”. It hurts a lot.

Last week I got some really devastating news. I've run out of eggs. So even my back up plan of freezing embryos is a no go. It's a lot and I haven't really processed it yet. Meanwhile, a fairly new friend of mine is pregnant. She went through IVF and got pregnant with her very last embryo. I'm so happy for her and so sad for me. Luckily, she's super chill and super understanding. I let her know I might not be able to come and she told me to just decide on the day. Well, I went. And it was fine. If I had stayed home I would have been sad at home. Instead I got to share in her joy and meet some new people. Five years ago I would have really struggled. The grief would have hit me like a shock wave, over and over. I've never wanted anything more than I've wanted children. The desire to be a mother has been a huge part of who I am as a person for 20 years. But I've done a lot of work with a counsellor and I'm coming out the otherside as a person who is okay. I don't really have a point in telling you all this, I just can't really say it to anyone else. I feel proud of the progress I've made and I wish I could tell by past self that one day I'd be able to go to a baby shower and have a good time.

Bear with me on this one - I’m thinking out loud a bit.

As someone who is coming to terms with being childless, it’s really hit me how marginalising it can be. Not in the hateful ways that other marginalised communities experience, but marginalising all the same.

One thing I notice in other marginalised communities is a real sense of community - I’m thinking specifically of the LGBT community and how they have “found” family, in absence of acceptance from their own.

For childless folk, while people accept us as we are, “normal” life is incredibly difficult because it so often focuses on children.

Has anyone else found community in real life among other childfree folk? Put together a circle of people who can socialise/live together without worrying about triggers coming up?

Hey All,

I don't come here often anymore, but it's such a rare community we fall in to and I have such gratitude for the support of you all for helping me free myself from TTC hell and carving out a happy childfree life - so I wanted to share something that helped me enormously.

As many of you I'm sure can relate to - infertility, long term ttc and especially recurrent pregnancy loss can have a profoundly negative affect on your enjoyment of sex.

I suffered many miscarriages, and the trauma of D&Cs, emergency hospital rooms, and all the fun that comes with years of trauma made my body a terrifying place to be. Sex became a chore, and a chore that was laced with anxiety as we both came to associate it with me getting pregnant - and ultimately losing a pregnancy.

A year after opting out we were suffering from a dead bedroom and didn't know what to do. I have an incredible marriage with a deep emotional bond, but we were struggling to get past it and I was drowning in this panic that if it's just us forever and we can't enjoy sex - asking myself if we could survive a lifetime of not being intimate regularly.

I contacted sex therapists, and went down rabbit holes of learning and ultimately it all just added pressure on to us as I tried to "fix" us. You know whats not great for sex? Constantly talking about how it's not working and filling you both with panic that you "have" to do it or something is wrong in your marriage.

About 18 months ago I came across "Come as You Are" by Dr Emily Nagoski and it changed my life. I learned more about myself and my body that I had in over 30 years of being alive.

It sparked conversations between us that fundamentally changed the way we viewed sex and our enjoyment. It helped us recenter pleasure, decouple ourselves from harmful cultural conditioning and get to know ourselves and eachother on such a deeper level.

Dr Nagoski has a PhD in sex, is a neurodivergent woman and the book is very inclusive. It goes out of it's way to avoid centering heteronormative relationship dynamics, and I truly believe everyone can benefit from it's wisdom.

I'm now reading her second book.

I know this is a topic that can be confusing and isolating, especially when you're in our rare little club so I wanted to share this and maybe someone out there might learn some tools that will make life a little easier x

While the primary purpose of the subreddit is to provide space for those who are embracing childfree life after infertility, we recognize there are people who come to this subreddit nearing the end of their treatment/ttc process and want to read about the experiences of others who decided to stop trying and embrace IFCF life.

The general consensus in this community, evidenced by a poll conducted in April 2022, is that while these conversations have value, they can be quite upsetting to members of this community.- especially when they are repetitive. In an effort to decrease the number of posts asking "How do you know when to stop trying/stop treatment? How do you move on?" in this community, this monthly megathread will serve as the only space for these discussions. All posts and comments on this topic outside of the monthly megathreads will be removed. All subreddit rules still apply in this thread. Extended discussion of medical treatment (i.e. laying out your fertility credentials) and asking questions about pursuing specific treatments, adoption, etc., are not appropriate for this thread.

For great examples of previous discussions on this topic, please scroll through our past posts. Here are a few examples from the past year prior to our recent poll and rule change:

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/resk7i/finding_purpose/

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/r0n9rj/here_i_am/

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/pdnjmz/when_did_you_know_it_was_time_to_transition/

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/ogc4bq/struggling_with_the_feeling_of_being_percieved_as/

Normally, we don’t have trick or treaters, but this year for the first time in our 15+ years together we got the candy and turned the porch light on.

We didn’t have a ton of kids come by and I don’t think anyone under the age of seven, so I didn’t see any tiny kids in adorable costumes, but I did see enough kids that would have been the age that our kid would have been had everything worked out the way it was “supposed” to and that made my heart broke a little.

I had a family costume in mind back when being a parent was still plausible (through adoption or surrogacy, I can’t carry): husband as Beast, me as Belle and our child as Mrs. Potts or Lumiere, depending on gender.

None of that got to happen and I’ve made peace with not being a mom, but sometimes the unfairness of it comes back to me when I least expect it.

Vent over.

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

Wanting to get some perspective - my husband and my Christmases have revolved around going to my family's house of those with children. Every Christmas we go to them because they want to establish traditions for their children and have Christmas at their house.

This year I'm feeling an extra longing to have had my own traditions with my husband (and what would have been our newborn and an established family of our own). I'm not sure if I am just trying to establish or take back some control, or if this is even really a valid thought. Is it fair of me to want to have the family over at our house for once instead of going wherever the kids are?

My (38f) husband (40m) threw in the towel on trying for children in 2022 after three IUIs, two IVF retrievals and three transfers. After 5 years of misery we were done and now we are (mostly) enjoying CF life. However, after all the treatments I gained about 30 pounds steadily over several years. Even two years after stopping the treatments the weight continued to climb, despite having a very healthy lifestyle (working out 4-5 times a week, near daily hour-long dog walks, cooking 90% of food at home, emphasis on fruits and veggies, the whole sha-bang).

I did a fitness challenge and counted my calories and worked out every day for 6 weeks and I lost ... 6 pounds. After lamenting to my primary care physician she suggested we test my insulin levels to see if I was insulin resistant (IR). Sure enough I was. If you are unfamiliar with IR, it causes your body to pretty much hold onto every extra calorie and makes it super easy to continually gain weight, and incredibly difficult to lose.

She prescribed me Metformin and I lost 15 pounds with no change in my lifestyle, which indicated my body just wasn't responding to my healthy behaviors like it should have. Metformin is not a weight-loss drug, it just helps your body manage your insulin levels like it should. I still have 10-20 pounds I'd like to shed but I finally feel like I have some control over it.

I wanted to share this because I believe all the fertility treatments caused my IR (I can't prove that obviously but I don't see what else could have caused it), and if you are struggling like I was you may want to get your levels checked. I hope this is helpful!

This is often a time of year I feel left out from peers. I loved dressing up as a kid and was so excited once upon a time about helping my own kids enjoy this time of year. I would love to go to a party instead of hand out candy, but all our friends are busy doing kid-related Halloween stuff. To guard my heart in the past few years, husband and I have elected not to participate in handing out candy. Now I'm not sure what is best. Do people find it more cathartic to do it and make other kids happy at least, or just withdraw and not have to see it all?

I have a SIL from hell, and she's pregnant again. Just in time to make the holidays all about her and stir up drama for entrainment since she's a very bored SAHM.

The year she married my husband's brother, we missed their wedding because I had a hysterectomy. They announced their first baby a month later. I didn't have a preexisting relationship with the SIL because she was a pretty awful gf and we were all hoping they'd just break up.

I was (understandably) excluded from all things baby related, but eventually felt depressed and left out since my relationship with my MIL became virtually nonexistent when she felt like she couldn't talk about the grandbaby with me. She can't talk or think about anything not related to the grandbaby, so tried to befriend the SIL even though the way she bosses around and bullies my in laws makes me sick.

That went sideways when the SIL constantly criticized me and my husband for everything and anything we did or didn't do. My MIL admitted to me that the SIL stirs up drama between the three of us out of boredom, and I can see that my in laws are anxious and miserable around this girl but they keep their mouth shut so they can see their grandkid.

Now she's pregnant again, and so far I've done everything wrong again in her eyes. The turning point for me was when the SIL freaked out at me for not "love" reacting to every single Facebook post of her child. Her, her mom, and my MIL have a really toxic cycle of posting photos every day with the kid and reacting to each other's and getting jealous over each other. I haven't been using social media much these days, so I told them I'm not going to be connected on Facebook anymore since I'm stepping back from it and the SIL had a meltdown and told me she's done with my "mood swings and drama" and "ending our relationship forever".

Naturally, I've been uninvited from all things baby related yet again (although my husband got a solo invite to the gender reveal the day before, which he declined) which means once again I don't have a relationship with my MIL since she has to take my SIL's side to prevent being cut off from the grandkids.

In the middle of all this, I am deeply sad about going into yet another holiday season on rocky terms with my husband's family, and rocky terms with my husband as well since how he fails to handle his family and defend me (among other things) has deeply strained our relationship.

I'm sad, I'm lonely, and thinking about the upcoming holiday season is really depressing me. I just heard the SIL is having a baby girl, and somehow I keep feeling like "she wins". She gets to live the life I imagined my husband and I having, while I'm uterus-less and in the process of separating from my husband.

I'm just venting, but seriously. Send thoughts and prayers 😭

This may sound like a weird post but I work a lot and I see parents (people with kids) who generally don't work as much as me. They all seem to have this time mgmt. skill down and I wonder if that's a skill I'll never have because I'll never be forced to learn it.

Just wondering who else feels like this.

Edit - thanks all for your comments! Good to know all the viewpoints here. Maybe I just need to be forced into a situation where I have to learn to manage my time and set boundaries and not work long hours.

I have a cousin (through in-laws, and we’re not close) who has started a consulting business to provide support for women who are pregnant after miscarriage/baby loss. She is raising two children now after multiple miscarriages. I do sympathize with what she went through, but those children were born during the same years while I was struggling with infertility.

She is aware of my situation, and the last time she checked in on me, I told her I was done and moving forward embracing my childfree life. I never got a response from her.

Since that exchange, she has invited me to follow her business on her many social media accounts. I get that this business is her way of moving forward, of turning her painful experiences into something meaningful. But I have chosen not to follow her, as her posts are triggering for me (they are mostly pics of her own pregnancies and of her with her family, or posts that talk about baby loss). Her siblings (who I follow) often re-post her posts, so I see them multiple times on my feed. She deserves support, but I am just not the right audience for this.

It’s just awkward when I see her and her kids at occasional big family gatherings… the gatherings tend to be kid-centric and all the relatives are so vocally supportive of her business, but I don’t get the support that I need… and feel like the “bad relative” for not following her business (which has the word “baby” in her business name too). But I’m tired of putting everyone else first before me, I need to set my boundaries for my own sanity, and this is one small way I’m trying to take care of myself even if no one else understands.