A Rant.

I’ve been using an app called “Eve” to track my cycles for almost five years now. I liked it because it did just that- tracked my cycle, without all the other stuff getting in the way.

Welp, they decided they had to upgrade to “Glow” with no warning (or if there was, I missed it) and now it’s All Fertility, All The Time, and oh! Don’t forget your Cyber Monday LH strips!

No. Thank. You. I realize in the grand scheme of things it’s ridiculous to get upset over a darn app, but c’mon. I don’t want to delete it because I have so much data logged into it, and I’m officially old enough to complain about having to learn a new way of doing things. I just needed not to have my infertility thrown into my face every time I need to check my LMP date.

Now excuse me while I go yell at the neighbors to get off my lawn. /s

Twice now I’ve started my period on the same day that people have announced their pregnancies 🙃 well if it ain’t a kick in the teeth I don’t know what is!

The holidays are here.

It’s been almost 6 months since we decided I wasn’t going to put my body through any more pain than I’ve already experienced. Stage 4 endo, two surgeries later, I decided IVF wasn’t the respectful thing to do to my body after all I’ve been through.

While I do feel comfortable with that decision, the pain of never knowing what it’s like to have your own kids stings extra over the holidays.

I guess what hurts is seeing all these reels with big families and all the shenanigans… all the people that come into your life when you have a family.

I keep seeing visions of me and my husband old and alone, with no one to visit us after all our family members and friends pass. It’s fucked.

I understand there are ways to fill your life. We are grateful for our chosen family, but it’s just the feeling of never knowing that life.. it’s unsettling.

While the primary purpose of the subreddit is to provide space for those who are embracing childfree life after infertility, we recognize there are people who come to this subreddit nearing the end of their treatment/ttc process and want to read about the experiences of others who decided to stop trying and embrace IFCF life.

The general consensus in this community, evidenced by a poll conducted in April 2022, is that while these conversations have value, they can be quite upsetting to members of this community.- especially when they are repetitive. In an effort to decrease the number of posts asking "How do you know when to stop trying/stop treatment? How do you move on?" in this community, this monthly megathread will serve as the only space for these discussions. All posts and comments on this topic outside of the monthly megathreads will be removed. All subreddit rules still apply in this thread. Extended discussion of medical treatment (i.e. laying out your fertility credentials) and asking questions about pursuing specific treatments, adoption, etc., are not appropriate for this thread.

For great examples of previous discussions on this topic, please scroll through our past posts. Here are a few examples from the past year prior to our recent poll and rule change:

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/resk7i/finding_purpose/

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/r0n9rj/here_i_am/

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/pdnjmz/when_did_you_know_it_was_time_to_transition/

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/ogc4bq/struggling_with_the_feeling_of_being_percieved_as/

The reality of never being able to "create my own family", always hits me during the holidays. Sudden moments of loneliness.

Yes, I could find a partner. But finding someone in Texas, who doesn't have kids + never wants to have them, has been "interesting"....and part of me enjoys the peace and quiet. Having a man around me constantly, wouldn't really fill the "family space" for me.

I'm really lonely...like devastating lonely, and I've been kinda listlessly just wandering around without meaning. Wake up, get dressed - drive around, shop a bit, surrounded by people who are constantly with their kids and relatives. It feels fine until I look around, and realize almost no one is running around alone.

I get to talk to very few other women in their 30s, because they are raising children, and/or busy starting families. Feels like I only see young adults or elderly people alone when out.

Not being able to have kids, feels acceptable to me. But the idea of never having any grandkids, nor in-laws, no future daughter in law, never really having many of the human connections that others just take for granted...leaves me daunted.

Texas MIGHT be particularly "family oriented", but it hurts.

It's been well over a decade since we gave up on having our own and also stopped fostering. I've started playing a large part in the lives of family and friend's kids. Overall I've been ok with it, even through the ups and downs.

We are in our 50s and recently my SO had a heart attack. He is fine, but mortality has been front of mind. I've started thinking about the things that will end of me. One of the kids mentioned wanting recipes. I've cooked with the kids a few times, and it feels good that they want my recipes. But it still is bittersweet.

I hate that these feelings are resurfacing. I think each stage of life brings a new realization of what's missing. It is like i have to mourn at each new chapter. Some have been harder than others. I wish this was something I could deal with once and move on.

I'm realizing that as I get closer to the end of life challenges, it is bringing new sadness. Navigating these new feelings and challenges is frustrating. I'm sick of having to think about what I'm missing.

…by a friend with a 7-year old. I‘ve known the kid since he was 3 and we always got along well. Now that he‘s older, I enjoy teaching him stuff, like making pizza from scratch, or different games. His mom asked me if I wanted to be his godmother yesterday. She said we had such a special bond that she wishes I could be a more formal part of his life. It made me so happy, I had to cry a little. The kid first got to know me, decided he likes me and chose me. Very happy right now and looking forward to being part of his life.

Just wanted to share this as I know some of you also play an important role in other children‘s lives. Thinking back to my own childhood, there were so many grown ups that shaped the way I turned out, not only my bio family. If anything, my parents probably had a more negative impact that was outweighed by other folks who nurtured and encouraged me.

Hi,

I know this has been posted before but does anyone have any tips or coping mechanisms for getting an IUD?

We stopped trying almost a year ago and I was going to get a mirena coil back in Sept. Then I went to Vietnam in August, saw all these happy families and started having doubts so I didn't book the procedure.

I know I actually want to embrace the child free life and even if I didn't there is a very slim chance I can fall pregnant anyway. I'm also getting some endo pains again which the IUD will help with. I also know that the procedure can be reversed but at my age it probably wouldn't be worth it.

I want to get it but I'm having a lot of problems taking that final step and calling the doctor. Has anyone else been through this? How did you finally make that phone call?

Monday morning was our egg retrieval, and it failed. It was my only chance at being a biological mother. Due to financial reasons, another round and other options are unavailable.

I am destroyed. And I feel guilty for feeling this way. I'm married, and my husband has three biological sons from a previous marriage. I love my stepsons, and I am so grateful for them, but my soul hurts at the thought of never experiencing a child of my own.

My husband is devastated, of course, but at the same time, he can't fully understand how I feel because he has biological children.

I feel like the person I was even Monday morning has died. I'm changed. My heart and my soul are in pain.

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

I'm coming up on a year of learning that kids were not going to be in the cards for us and deciding not to pursue further treatment. I have spent SO MUCH time in therapy and journaling and feeling all the feels. I'm also lucky that I have all these kids in my life I get to be the cool aunt for, and I have progressed to the point of loving my role in their lives and accepting this as enough for me. However, today I was hanging out with my 4 year old niece and taking her to lunch when she told me from the backseat, "It'd be better if you had a baby"

Me: "what do you mean by that?"

Her: "I don't know, I just think you should have a baby"

I don't know what it was, but this rocked me to my core more than anything else anyone has said to me. I had to hold back big tears. Of course it's completely innocent and, in a way, sweet, but I was not prepared for that. There's really nothing else to say. I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere I knew I would be completely understood.

We had a call with husband's family to try to work out how we navigate SIL's pregnancy.

We both came off feeling like nobody truly listened. In one breath we were told our feelings are valid, the next we were told it's 'not normal' to still feel so strongly upset three years after MC (and less than two years after IVF ended). Those exact words - not normal.

Instead of some compassion for finding this all so difficult, I was told I'm so 'desperately unhappy', which is not even close to how I feel overall in my life, and we were told to 'have therapy' like it's a band-aid, with no consideration of any of the other non-IF trauma and stress (and there's been a lot) over the last few years making overall tolerance of stressors harder. And actually, given what we have been through, the fact we're still here and together and doing ok is pretty good. But tonight we wanted to be listened to and instead we're told they've been worried about us for years (there has been zero mention of this before now - husband isn't buying it) and apparently we're 'rotting away' where we live, when we're actually happy here.

It feels like because our grief at the MC and IVF not working can't be put away neatly in a box, it's not acceptable. We weren't asked what could make this process easier; we tried to explain we don't have answers to everything or a deadline to feel ok by, there's no guidebook for this, and SIL is always very strong on mental health and setting boundaries...but it feels like the ones I want to put in place to protect myself aren't being respected, because there doesn't seem to be any compromise. It feels very much 'this is how it is, so deal with it', even though all the above was said to us (they say) out of love.

All in all, I came off the call feeling humiliated, lectured and judged. I was told how I feel (I hate people telling me how I feel anyway) and I have never, ever felt more like I don't want to be here than tonight (not going to do anything, I just want to run away). My head is pounding from crying so much. Husband is being amazing but he is also very upset.

I feel like I've been told I'm some kind of deficient, broken person and that our life is shit and I have never felt so worthless as I do right now.

I have come to realize I have developed a disconnection to my body. This has stemmed from my infertility and letting go of motherhood. For the longest time I had to learn about my reproductive functions and try to manipulate it to work in my favor. After all of that effort with nothing but a single miscarriage to show for it, I let go in more ways than one.

It was so exhausting having to focus on my body. Which in turn, caused me to also turn a blind eye to my physical heath. It hurt too much to micromanage myself and find more reasons to hate my body as a whole.

But I have to be realistic. I’ve entered middle age and I need to pay attention to my health. I need to make a better effort to make sure my body is in a healthier state. It is time I looked at my health from a different perspective. Of course I want my clothes to feel less tight when I wear them. But I need to think beyond that. Push to look at myself in the same manner as a physician would look at their patient. Increasing my daily activity is the main concern. A new routine needs to become developed in order to help with this change.

I finally feel like I’m starting to move onto the next phase but yet still feel stuck. I guess it’s the first step is always the hardest.

Had anybody else felt like this?

Just want to start by saying my husband is the loveliest man. He has been by my side through multiple diagnoses and unsuccessful ivf rounds. Before we started TTC he could see a life for us with or without children, then as we started tracking ovulation and then moving to ivf he seemed to want children more. After the last miscarriage, we have both agreed to stop treatments. He assures me it does not affect how he feels about me, he thinks we will have a great life together without kids and I'm seeing this too after a bit of time to adjust. We have great open communication about this and on moments we feel broody/sad we speak about it and the reverse too - we are grateful out loud for moments we treasure but couldn't do with children in tow. The one thing we both mainly feel sad about is not being able to make our parents grandparents as they would be ace!

Despite us seeming to handle this well and be strong together and supportive of each other, I feel like my subconscious brain is on alert. 5 nights out of 7, I am having recurring nightmares that he leaves me - he is sometimes cheating or sometimes says he doesn't love me anymore - doesn't always mention the infertility as the reason he leaves. He usually then moves on with another woman who becomes pregnant quickly. His mum sometimes then pops into the mix to say how happy she is that he found someone who could make him a dad and her a grandma. I wake from these dreams feeling traumatised, I've mentioned it lightly once or twice like "babe I've just had the worst dream" and we've had a cuddle and moved on, I've never let on how often or how upsetting they are because I don't want him to think I doubt him or don't appreciate his awesomeness, and I don't want to be that stereotype of being mad at my partner for a dream lol, it's not his fault! I really want these dreams to stop, they don't feel reflective of reality at all and they're staring to get to me and to affect my sleep.

Also, since the most recent treatment and miscarriage, I have felt panic at the thought of sex, again we've been very open about this and he is very patient and wants to be led by me so i don't feel any pressure... this panic only seems related to sex/acts that are for me, I enjoy and dont worry at all about doing things just for him. This doesn't seem to be getting any better, I've tried to push on but have ended up having to stop things and then I feel bad like I've let him down even though he's really kind and understanding about it. I wonder if these 2 things are related in some way (panic about sex and the nightmares) even if it doesn't feel like a conscious thought. I want to get this part of my life back as well as getting the dreams to stop, but I just feel so stuck and I don't know what to do.

I've also noticed that I'm comfort eating a bit more and not wanting to exercise or look after my skin care. Signs of neglecting my self... I don't seem to be really down or anxious, more unmotivated. This could just be linked to the time of year as it only seems to be in the last 2 months instead of this whole time since the miscarriage. I feel like these 3 things could be connected but I just don't know where to start with trying to take back some control. worth mentioning here that I am on the pill to manage my endo and anti depressants 2 weeks out of 10 to manage pmdd symptoms I know both of these meds affect sex drive and I only stated them after the miscarriage.

I thought maybe posting here, people might have experienced similar things or have some ideas to help?... for context, the treatment was in Feb, miscarriage April (it was quite traumatic as we were in and out of hospital 10 times in 3 weeks due to suspected ectopic so there was lots of poking and prodding and good news then bad news each day) we've just gone past the due date at start of Nov. So it does still feel somewhat recent.

Thanks for reading such a long post, as I type this I'm wondering about counselling.

Here just to vent :(

I’m in my 30s and haven’t been taking this whole thing very well. Always very easily triggered.

But today I was at work and a coworker who is on maternity leave came in with her 4 week old. I was able to meet him without feeling anything… which is a HUGE step for me. I was SO proud of myself!! Then I noticed that lately I haven’t been getting triggered as much. I have an SIL (much younger than me) due any day now, and the fact that I haven’t been a wreck about it is also huge for me. So I went and treated myself to the Starbucks sugar cookie drink after work. Because I FINALLY thought I was moving on and becoming myself again.

So I get home from work feeling all proud as hell that I actually met a baby without feeling any tears welling up. I sit down on my couch and open up my phone….to see I’ve been included in a group text where SOs 19 year old female family member is announcing her first pregnancy….wasnt trying, just happened. She’s due in May. And OF COURSE I was sitting there sipping on my damn Starbucks I JUST bought myself as a prize for not crying earlier as I opened that text. Immediately started crying.

I keep trying to tell myself that healing isn’t linear, but why couldn’t life just let me enjoy my small win today. Back to square one. This is absolutely ridiculous…..

I had 4 IVF cycles over 7 years and decided to stop in 2022. I'm on antidepressants and in therapy which has been helpful, but I really thought I would start to feel better by now. In a lot of ways I am better - I am less triggered by pregnancy posts, feel less angry/bitter but still feel like a failure at times and find myself bursting into tears randomly. I put on a significant amount of weight after the last failed treatment and just feel awful and like a shell of my past self.

I almost can't believe I'm still in this fog and it's been two years already. I'm pretty frustrated at myself and am wondering if I should resign myself to always feeling this way. It's been so long I can't imagine feeling good again. Feel awful for my husband as well as I know he has struggled too and it can't be fun to be around someone who is often sad.

Grateful I've found this group - there really isn't anyone in my life who understands.

EDITED TO ADD: Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I know it's not a straightforward process but it's so comforting and helpful to hear your experiences as it's a lonely place to be sometimes. I think it's taken a long time for me to admit that the whole thing was a very traumatic experience. Very much looking forward to enjoying life again, whatever that looks like!

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

All I see on the comments are parents saying things like they didn’t know what real love was until they had their kids, life without children is meaningless and without purpose, no one is going to take care of you when you’re old. I guess they don’t really take into account those of us who wanted children and it didn’t work out. It just hurts to read all of that and I did it to myself early in the morning. I already know everything I’m missing out on.

I work in retail and as we head into the holidays I'm seeing more and more parents shopping with their kids.

Since I work on a store where people are just shopping for gifts as opposed to essentials, they're usually relaxed and happy and having fun. But I do frequently encounter parents who are obviously not having a good time, and genuinely seem to dislike having small children.

There is one dad who often comes in with a few small children and he is so mentally checked out. He makes jokes to the staff about being stuck babysitting, he condescends his kids, and practically ignores them. They're always screaming for his attention and it's just absolute chaos when they're in the store. I can't stand interacting with him, and just plaster a fake smile on my face as he complains and complains about being a dad to me while they're making their purchase. He thinks he's so funny.

I just want to say to him, "how fortunate that you were blessed with something you didn't want, when many of us will never have the opportunity to be a parent." But I also recognize that people find themselves in situations where they are talked into parenthood to appease a partner when it wasn't really what they wanted. I want to pity them or sympathize, but the unfairness - and knowing that these kids will feel that he didn't want them - breaks my heart sometimes more than seeing the sweet loving parents with beautiful kids that trigger grief and envy.

I am doing well this year in terms of not being triggered constantly, but every now and then, I just want to scream at someone that they shouldn't have had kids if they didn't want them...which I definitely shouldn't do if I like having a job 😅

Does anyone else feel this way?

Hi all - what do you all do with your anger? I've been struggling with intense feelings of bitterness and anger, especially towards those who love to direct conversations towards their kids or pregnancy. I now find myself also being angry at social media and all those who are announcing.

I definitely don't want to feel this way and would never act upon these feelings, but I just hate that it gets to me!

Can anyone else relate? When the subject comes up amongst people that don't know our infertility journey I just say that my partner and I don't want children.

I can't stand the pity and I feel it's unfounded, as we are perfectly happy childfree now and are leaning into all the benefits.

I just think people automatically think that people who couldn't have children are just forever sad and grieving. I see it online too, I'm in some CF groups and people are always so quick to snarkily point out "there's a difference between childfree and childless!" as if we are inferior somehow because we once wanted children and that our enjoyment of CF life now is disingenuous.

Anyway it just feels annoying to be in this inbetween cohort where so few people can actually relate to our situation, so I thought I'd throw it out here to see if anyone else feels the same.

Recently, members of this community expressed interest in a regular megathread specifically focused on supporting IFCF men, who are underrepresented in fertility-related forums and other support spaces. We're going to try this out for at least and see how it goes- as long as there is some participation, we'll keep it going. This space is for anyone who is a man/masc, and is IFCF, to talk about what this experience is like for you and to give/receive support.

All other subreddit rules apply, including no participation by people who are still pursuing parenthood, and no extended discussion of medical treatment. As this is a new megathread, please be aware we may need to make changes or adjustments as we go.

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

I've been thinking about making a last update on my situation but things changed so fast that I had to postpone a few times.

Long story short, my middle sister is pregnant. I (the oldest of 3 girls) quit trying after fertility treatments wrecked my mental health. I mostly made peace with it, but the news was still a lot to digest.

The good: I saw my sister and her very visible baby bump at my youngest sister's wedding a month ago. It was fine, easier than I expected, maybe because the wedding was the focus of the day and I could keep myself busy easily. My sister was obviously very very nervous with the pregnancy. I learned that she had a miscarriage 2 years ago and fertility treatments since. She was about to quit when she got pregnant. I got a lot more empathy for her now. Her favorite boy name is the same as mine, and she's having a boy. It's a family name, and I'm glad that someone is getting the chance to use it.

The bad: my mother kept mocking my sister for following her doctors recommendation for food (very basic stuff like no cold cuts) and telling her about how she (my mother) got 3 healthy babies eating whatever she wanted and drinking multiples coffees every day. I had to run interference a few times. My mother is socially inept and we usually dismiss her comments fairly easily, but it was clearly bothering my sister.

The ugly: I since cut contact with my parents. I don't know if it's temporary or permanent but I had to protect myself. I expressed many times that I won't have conversations about my sister's pregnancy, partly because it's none of my business but mostly because I don't need to getting my emotions in shambles every time I talk to my parents, and yet my mother kept talking about it. I would stay absolutely silent on the phone and she would keep going. That was annoying but bearable. And this weekend, my mother expressed how glad she was for the American election (we are not Americans) and that leftists won't be able to ruin the world now. Apparently, she likes JD Vance and thinks that he is a great speaker. I told her twice that I strongly disagree and that we need to change the subject because there is now way that I will listen to her praise someone who publicly says that I'm useless, as a women with no children. She kept going for a solid five minutes so I just hung up. I'm a little bit hurt that she didn't take my warning seriously, but I'm mostly pissed. Really pissed

The no contact is not unexpected. I had been on the verge of doing it a few times. Family is not a good thing when all they do is upset you and make you feel like a black sheep all the time. I don't talk to my sisters outside of family events anyways.

So I bought tickets to spend Christmas riding horses in Texas, planned 2 trips with my husband for next year, including one with my lovely and kind in-laws, and decided that from now on, as a 43 years old women with no kids, I'll do everything I want and absolutely nothing else.

This is a bit of a rant sorry! I thought I was doing okay but it's gotten to my would be due date and I am struggling. Me and my other half decided to put a post on fb to kind of honour it and set the record straight a bit that we were done, anyone close to us knows that already.

It's also my husbands birthday today so we saw his family for some birthday cake this morning and they did all the usual things of mentioning adoption and "not giving up so soon" etc... I encouraged them to ask questions and we both did really well at explaining why this is right for us. It's just so surreal that they see ivf/trying for a baby as something to keep doing and never give up. They would likely agree with us stopping no questions asked if this was a gambling habit for example (which would probs have frankly better odds, maybe similar financial impact but less physical health impact - cos of how the meds affect my health conditons). It wasnt until I explained the financial costs, impact on my physical health and our emotions that they got it... then they immediately asked if I thought about getting a hysterectomy (a total 180 from them suggesting we keep trying 🤣) then adoption came up.

I'm glad to have been able to help them to understand why we are where we're at... (mainly cos it will hopefully prevent further questions/suggestions in the future) but I do just wish people already understood. Its not until you're passed TTC that you really see how ingrained it is in everyone that you NEED to have children or grandchildren to be happy/successful. Then they always end with "well you never know what might happen when you're not trying" 🙈🤣 really?!

I think I'm feeling more drained that i expected from that conversation as we are pretty much at peace with where we are. Anyway back to the other halves birthday celebrations lol... what a weird weekend

I did one round of IVF this summer (July) and we would do another round but we decided to stop. However, ever since July, my hormones feel out of balance.

I have two ovarian cysts confirmed an ultrasound the 25th of October. And also one breast is feeling tender on and off. I'm quite hypochondriac and very conscious of body. Especially after two times surgery for ectopic pregnancies. Mentally it's all very though but now I'm also fearing hormonal / ovarian / breast problems. I made an appointment with my GP for next week but still I'm overthinking it all day.

It's my birthday today and the only I do is checking my breasts for lumps :(.

Does someone had also whacky hormones after IVF for months? Or is it unlikely that it is still related?

Before IVF I didn't have any of these problems.

I just need somewhere to dump my feelings. I don’t want to talk to my husband about this because a) he seems to have moved on from the sting of infertility, and b) I don’t want him to know I’m still struggling. My brother and his partner (my best friend of 20 years) welcomed their third child this week. I’m over the moon for them and the baby is absolutely beautiful. I love getting all of the pictures and told my friend to send me all the baby spam she wants to. I haven’t met the baby as I live in a different country, so getting loads of photos and updates is the best. I’ve been doing ok until today, and then the pain hit me all over again. I fell flat and can’t get up. It doesn’t seem fair that they have 3 beautiful children (only one of which was planned) and I haven’t been pregnant one single time despite years of trying. Accepting that I’m never going to be a parent is not a linear journey. It’s so many ups and downs, but I want to be done with the shitty days when I just can’t stop myself crying and grieving what I’ll never have. I still don’t know what my future looks like and it frightens me. I want to stop having to overcome the urge to punch people when they say stupid things, like a colleague at work last May who said “happy Mother’s Day for the future” when I told her I don’t have children. Does the pain ever go away or will I forever be heading for the next horrid day of drowning in emotions I feel I should have moved on from?