Hi all,

I created an Instagram account '@notmothersday' where I post about businesses sending unsolicited Mother's (and Father's) Day marketing messages. I want to raise awareness to these companies that Mother's Day is not a universal holiday and can be a difficult time for individuals. Ultimately, my goal is that more companies provide a way for users to opt out of Mother's/Father's Day emails.

Additionally, I also post about companies that do offer an opt-out option for this content. Thankfully, I'm seeing more companies offer this, but there are still a ton that don't.

All of the posts I make are anonymous and come from email messages / ads that either I have received directly or have had sent to me by other members of the infertility community. If you receive unsolicited Mother's Day advertising (or opt out emails), please feel free to forward to me notmothersday @ gmail dot com. I want to try and feature as much content as possible.

Also, this account is just a personal project, I do not do advertisements or receive any sort of compensation.

Stay salty

-8thlife

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

While the primary purpose of the subreddit is to provide space for those who are embracing childfree life after infertility, we recognize there are people who come to this subreddit nearing the end of their treatment/ttc process and want to read about the experiences of others who decided to stop trying and embrace IFCF life.

The general consensus in this community, evidenced by a poll conducted in April 2022, is that while these conversations have value, they can be quite upsetting to members of this community.- especially when they are repetitive. In an effort to decrease the number of posts asking "How do you know when to stop trying/stop treatment? How do you move on?" in this community, this monthly megathread will serve as the only space for these discussions. All posts and comments on this topic outside of the monthly megathreads will be removed. All subreddit rules still apply in this thread. Extended discussion of medical treatment (i.e. laying out your fertility credentials) and asking questions about pursuing specific treatments, adoption, etc., are not appropriate for this thread.

For great examples of previous discussions on this topic, please scroll through our past posts. Here are a few examples from the past year prior to our recent poll and rule change:

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/resk7i/finding_purpose/

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/r0n9rj/here_i_am/

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/pdnjmz/when_did_you_know_it_was_time_to_transition/

https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/comments/ogc4bq/struggling_with_the_feeling_of_being_percieved_as/

I was just at a social event w my husband and met someone new. As we were parting ways he says "goodbye, nice to meet you and congratulations!"... Friends, he thought I was pregnant. Yes, I was wearing a flowy dress, yes I was drinking water, yes, I may have touched my stomach area as I am bloated and on my period and feeling self conscious... But fuuuuuuuuuck! This has happened to me before, but it's been many years and honestly, I can still remember those times like it was yesterday. Confusion, shock, embarrassment... But now that I am well into my ifchildfree life it brought a new feeling - disbelief. Like, wtf, I haven't aged out of this yet? When will that happen? Can it happen soon, pls? This was a grief trigger I was not expecting (pun not intended, but appropriate nonetheless)

TW: not pregnancy, but the thought of it

It’s been around 7 months I stopped TCC and accepted IFCF life and I felt like I progressed so so much in the mindset.

I felt I could think about something else and occupy my time with myself, make plans and appreciate my life as it was. It took 5 years of my life and I felt I deserved to come back to life.

I am not on BCpills coz I’ve been there and I reacted extremely poorly to hormones. That’s why all those treatments were so detrimental to my body and mental health in the first place. I’m almost 40 and I was working hard on accepting my fate.

And my period got delayed. A lot. And I can’t explain how this messed up with everything. I couldn’t accept at first and just ignored thinking my period would come. And 20 days later, nothing. I started to cry a lot and I felt that feeling we all felt at some point and that is the hardest to die: hope. It was so contradictory because for the last months I kept pushing to kill this dream, I really did. I felt I’ve done it and when I felt this feeling of hope taking over I suffered so so much. Like tortured by a dream that refuses to die. I went to the doctor that already looked at my file “it’s highly unlikely you’re pregnant” (don’t tell me! not that I don’t know that after being infertile for years). It was a cyst, big one that was actually painful and most likely still a consequence of those f! IvF injections. I felt like a fool. How come after all these years I still didn’t learn this won’t happen to me? What about this hope, last to die in theory but actually feeling immortal?

I left the gynaecologist office surrounded by pregnant ladies, sobbing and been depressed ever since. I felt like I went back to square one, everything was triggered at once. I felt like I lied to myself trying to feel that my wish was gone and this experience got me like: Busted!

I always knew this grieving process was not linear but it’s extremely hard to feel back on square one. I just hope and know that this pain will eventually fade.

Had a miscarriage after years of TTC and ended up IFCF. But yet this stupid body won't stop breaking out and the acne doesn't seem to want to go away. It's been almost 8 months now. Why won't the acne go away and stop taunting me?

Alternately, I feel so bad about what I forced my body to go through.

This is a meaningless post. Just wanted to vent.

Not looking for an answer. Just feel like shouting into the ether of the internet.

I notice people like to use terms such as “cool auntie” and “dog mom” to me.

Yes I’m a cool aunt. I’m cool because I like going to concerts, spending time with friends, and reading books. I’m able to have a semblance of a personality because I have more freedoms than many parents do.

Yes I’m a dog mom. I’m a very maternal person but before that a dog and cat lover since childhood. Pets are pure and don’t have baggage like some family members may have.

But I only like being referred as a cool aunt or dog mom to those who also don’t have kids. Whether it be my older niece or friends who don’t have children.

But when people who have children try to coin me as those terms, it kind of pisses me off.

Even though it’s coming from a good place, it feels patronizing when parents call me that.

I feel like despite not having children of my own, my identity still has to be connected to other peoples children in some way. Aunt, because my husbands siblings have children. Dog mom, because that’s the closest I’ll ever get.

“Your not a mom but your an auntie!”

It’s not the same thing!

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

If someone gave me a button, and said if you push this you'll be instantly pregnant and able to carry to term, I wouldn't press it.

I freaking love my life. I moved from the UK to New Zealand over a year ago, I live with my husband and our dog, we went to Australia last month to watch the formula 1. I cook when I want, workout every day, spend my evenings reading, gaming, painting.

I lost the hormonal weight gain from IVF and look amazing (thank God the giant boobs stayed). Everyday I laugh and smile and joke and enjoy my life.

And I've realised I don't want to give that up. I don't want to adjust and juggle and stress. I don't want to worry. I want what I have and I'm happy.

I'm 2 years post IVF cycle and I think i might even be grateful... I worked through the anger and jealousy and grief. It still rears its head now and then but more out of habit than actual pain. It passes quickly and smoothly, and I get right back to my day :)

I hope that offers some reassurance to anyone deep in their grieving process xxx

One of my best friends has an 18-month-old and if my second pregnancy/loss had stayed, I would have been 4 weeks behind her. Her pregnancy was very difficult for me, and she had long given up on having a child so it was a big surprise/miracle kind of thing. Oooof.

But I’m two years out of that second loss and 18 months out of deciding we’d stop trying for good. I’ve been in such a good place, enjoying others’ children and the childfree life we have. And yet, things still get me sometimes!

She posted a meme that said: “Having a child is like God handing you a star from the sky and saying ‘Hey, make sure this keeps shining.’ It’s a big responsibility and challenge but it’s so beautiful.” And, I mean, I agree, but it just made me feel such sudden rage and despair. I wanted to scream, “WHAT IF WE ARE NOT GIVEN THAT STAR? WHAT THEN?!?”

It surprised me, how viscerally I reacted (inside) to this little corny thing that moms post. I’m mainly over it, but man, that was a trigger. It goes to show they will still pop up from time to time.

As someone who just closed the door on IVF after yet another loss, I am finding myself struggling to rise above at work and my sadness is coming through as anger. My boss is the only one who knows about my miscarriage after a heartbeat and said I could take all the time I need, but I kept working remote bc it was a nice distraction. After 2 weeks, I came back in the office bc I didn’t want anyone to wonder what was up (I just said I’m dealing with medical drama). I find myself being curt to my boss and not being able to focus on tasks or engage in discussions. My brain is totally checked out. I know I can’t stay at home and work remote forever and I’m actively grieving (my daily walks entail sad music and feeling my feels), and I’m in therapy, but what have you done to help rise above when you have to go back to doing life? Sending love and hope to you all.

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

I’ve been navigating the new road I’m taking in life. I recognize the positives and try to move forward.

I started a book club recently. Originally I tried to encourage two of my other friends who were infertile to join. We all have something in common and it would be nice. One joined and the other didn’t.

One of my friends that is a new mother joined. A part of me was surprised she joined because I assume she’d be too busy. Long story short she becomes friends with my other friends at book club. My one infertile friend decides now is the time to ask her all about having a baby. Now I’m hearing about how she planned to have a kid and how it worked out so nice and she gets to stay at home and still have a social life and etc.

I created that book club to distract me from not being able to have a kid. I was able to create something. It has gotten pretty popular too. Last time thirty people showed up. But having to deal with the reality of people talking about babies sucks. I know I can’t dictate what people talk about but Jesus Christ.

I had a couple of good cries over this. Knowing this is something I have to accept and to grieve. I tend to analyze my emotions which makes the grieving take longer. I just hate how when I cry about what I went through the last few years. When I cry it feels like I’m in a bad dream and it takes me a while to snap out of that sad funk.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

My husband and I bought a house. It’s a nice house, with more bedrooms than we need. I’ve showed it to a few people (most of our families live far away so I’m just sending photos) who made a comment about “getting busy filling those extra bedrooms”.

I’m very vocal about my absolute infertility/hysterectomy situation, but I’m the moment I just said “oh, we’ll have plenty of guests, I’m sure.”

But now I’m thinking. What if we decide to foster? What if we look into some sort of adoption. What if we fill the house with kids instead of animals?

Deep down, I know we’re not going to be parents. I have made peace with most of it, but every so often, I wonder “what if…” and then start looking at foster programs in our state and then I realize I’m browsing listings of kids like I browse shoes on Amazon and I disgust myself and close the browser window.

I don't watch regularly, but some with my siblings and it's come up in this sub before because of the aunt dealing with IF. I thought that episode was done well.

Apparently the new longer episode includes news about the aunt that some of us might be upset to hear. More below... . . . . . . The family gets news that she is PG. Once again the only portrayals of IF present the same "happy ending". :(

Is anyone else finding that you don't think you'll be interested in having a relationship ever again now that you've lost the hope of ever having kids? Did anyone feel this way and then change their mind? I never realized how strongly my desire for a relationship was linked to my hope of having kids someday. I'm not really seeing a point to having a relationship if there won't be any kid-having. Any thoughts on the matter?

Still in the early stages, getting my head round not having children and how our lives will now be.

Today I meet up with my friend for lunch then we picked up her twins from youth club than went to McDonald's then to a park for an hour so. They are great kids. I could feel that my perspective has changed, I was looking at the parents of the children rather than the children, thinking how theirs lives much have changed so much. Who was watching over their children, playing with them, having fun. I know I could feel resentful that the people I saw most would have taken having children for granted. The twins, I haven't seen since Christmas, questions were asked 20+ times even being told no with a reason why by their Mum, the negotiations on everything, one said they wanted to go 'higher but slower on the swings' I said you can go higher and faster or low and slower 🙂 10 mins on the swing then others wanted to use it, so explaining that. I did have a good time and was nice spending time with the twins

After we said goodbye I felt bit tired and then did a bit of shopping, went home and my husband made me a cup of tea

Ever since I was a child, I was absolutely fascinated with pregnancy. Looking back, it was kinda strange for a little girl to be reading “what to expect when you’re expecting” and playing with pregnant Barbie dolls, but it just fascinated me. I’d read those pregnancy guide books from cover to cover, in awe of the whole process, and I used to tell everyone when I grow up I was going to become a midwife.

As I got older, I still remained fascinated by it, didn’t end up being a midwife (which I’m thankful for now), but I did start to think more and more about how I’d get to experience pregnancy for myself when we were ready. I couldn’t wait to carry the child of the man I love, and subsequently get to raise the child together. I so looked forward to feeling the kicks, attending ultrasounds, having a huge baby bump, even feeling all the crappy hormones. I’d honestly looked forward to all these things for years, and there wasn’t really a doubt in my mind that it wouldn’t happen for me.

In reality though, the closest I got to pregnancy was a very short lived CP. Still broke my heart even though I carried it for mere days, I don’t even think it was the size of a poppy seed yet, but I’m always going to hold that experience close to my heart for the rest of my life.

Now that our ttc days are officially done, and we’ve made peace with the infertility diagnosis, one of the hardest things I’m struggling to accept is that I’ll never get to be pregnant. I’ll never get to experience growing a life inside me, grabbing my husband’s hand to my bump to feel kicks, never get to watch a wriggling little jelly bean on the ultrasound and go “that’s our baby”, never get to anticipate the excitement of finding out the gender. All these things I had just assumed for so long were in the cards for me, are not.

It feels weird to admit that that’s the part I’m having trouble with the most. I feel like I’m already on the way to accepting our childless life, but damn, just the fact I won’t get to experience what so many other women in my life get to, what I had prepared for and anticipated for so long, it breaks my heart. I’m often told that the reality of pregnancy sucks, that it’s uncomfortable, changes your body permanently, etc, a lot of people have even told me they wish they could have skipped right through the pregnancy to their baby. I understand that, and I’m sure all those things are true, like with a lot of things in this process I tend to see with rose coloured glasses, but I still wanted the chance to experience it myself.

What kind of helps, but can also be very painful, is reading the posts in pregnancy subs and kinda living vicariously through them. I won’t ever know what these things are like, but sometimes it’s nice to read from someone else’s perspective. I guess I’m starting to get to the point now where I can also be happy for them that they’ll never have to experience this type of pain.

Has anyone else felt similar? I feel kinda strange for mourning the fact I won’t get to experience pregnancy as much as I do, considering the fact a lot of women find it to be miserable. It’s hard to explain, as are so many of the emotions that come with this process.

First off, I am very lucky to have a friends group that are mostly childless. However I am also a realist. They are all in their 30s and its only a matter of time before they become pregnant. So in a nutshell I am going through anticipatory grief knowing the day is coming and scared of being completely alone and left behind. Has anyone else experienced such a thing? If so how have you coped?

An older consultant on my team mentioned that he had dinner with his big brother from back in the day, and it was so cool to hear they had a mentoring relationship / friendship that lasted for so many years.

One of the things I feel like I yearn for from the parenthood I will never experience is the ability to nurture and mentor a younger person (unfortunately, I do not have this relationship with my older sibling). I’m wondering if the Big Brothers Big Sisters program in the US may be a good outlet. Thoughts on this?

So both me and my husband are infertile, what a great match! My mil has always been a bit gutted that we've chosen a child free path as her other sons gay and also child free. My mil decided to talk to me about it and it has been a couple of years since our initial decision and I'm more open to talking about our choice now, I'm not ashamed but boy did she make me feel awful. She asked how her son could be infertile I explained the findings of a semen analysis that was repeated 3 times she's adamant that it is incorrect and got very snotty about it. If we hadn't have just moved and I knew where the paperwork was I would have chucked it in her face. I shut down the conversation soon after that because I didn't need it and I know it's strange both partners being infertile but why would I lie? She made me feel like it was just me she even offered to pay for another test to insure the other 3 were correct because surely her perfect son couldn't have any issues.

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

And by going it alone I mean going thru this journey without any family or friends to lean on and talk to? I have my husband and he is amazing but of course I don't want to stress him out or burden him with all of my feelings. I don't have any close friends to talk to about my IF/childfree journey, and not even in a way where I want them to be my unpaid therapists and make me feel hetter, I just want so badly to talk woman to woman about our respective journeys and just dish and talk things through. I could go to a therapist but talking about it with someone who's paid to be there sounds even lonelier than just journaling. I've tried talking to some acquaintances but I either get awkward comforting bc they want to help me feel better (so sweet but then I feel so bad for continuing to try and get my thoughts out, and I want to be there for them too!) or they gloss over that part of the conversation and don't engage with it, which is of course their right, but omg..... I think the loneliness surrounding this journey is harder than coming to terms with it all. 😔 Especially since my coworker is pregnant and everything seems to be about her pregnancy and baby these days. It's so lonely I could just die. Thanks for being here ladies

Welp… today is the day I join you guys. After 17 months of ttc, we’ve decided not to pursue medical intervention, and have officially chosen the childfree/childless community.

It’s been a HARD journey. Many tears, a lot of denial, so much worry and stress, but it’s over. I’ll probably share my story here at some point, but for now just the making of this post really helps cement our decision.

After running tests we were slapped with the ol’ unexplained infertility diagnosis, and told our chances of conceiving naturally at this stage are very low. We were recommended either IUI or IVF, and that was that really. After a lot of discussion, we realised IVF was definitely not going to be in the cards for us, part medical reasons and also just cost. It is insanely expensive in our area and even just one try would no doubt put us in debt, which we don’t want to risk for just a chance. Originally, we were going to wait it out for a bit and pursue IUI, but honestly my heart is just not in it anymore, and so deciding to stop just seems to be the best path for us.

There’s definitely a lot of guilt involved, as I know the time we have tried is very little in comparison to some, but I knew from the beginning I mentally could not take years of this. Kudos to people who can, I have a lot of respect for that, but I know that it would put me in a very bad place mentally if we did. During my time ttc, on all the forums and groups I used to frequent, there was very much this “never give up” mentality, that you must do everything humanly possible to have a baby, pursueing every possible test or treatment until either you succeed or you reach your absolute limit. I could just never get on board with that, and I’m kind of grateful in a way, because I do feel I’m saving myself a LOT of future anguish.

I did truly want a baby, and being a mom is still something I’d love to be, but not at the cost of my sanity and mental health. I can look at my life from afar and see that there’s SO much more to living than just having kids. I love travelling, taking care of my animals, spending time alone on long walks and discovering new hobbies. All these things are so hard, if not impossible to do with young kids. I’ve met many inspirational and cool ass child free people in my life, and even though I never thought I’d end up being one, I really have no qualms about it. It actually feels very natural, almost like it’s the path we’re just meant to be on.

I have no doubt that hard feelings are going to come and go, probably for the rest of my life, and most likely there will be days where I feel I regret my decision, but ultimately I know it’s part of the healing process. There’s still a side of me that thinks we haven’t done enough, and that I’m just giving up, I know some people would probably think that too, but everyone has their limit. I would have been overjoyed to fall pregnant in all the months we tried, and would have welcomed a baby with open arms, but it didn’t work that way, and now I’m just ready to move on. It feels really good to write this all out, and I’m sure this community will be an excellent resource in the coming future.

Hey all - brand spanking new to IFCF. Like, hours. Or days if you count the denial phase. :) We decided this would be our last cycle. We’re emotionally exhausted from ttc. Three close friends/relatives have had babies in the last 4 months and a few others I know are currently pregnant so there are babies everywhere but here right now. They’re trying to help - come get baby snuggles any time, they say. But I think, I don’t want your baby, I wanted mine. Most got pregnant so easily - one was an oops after being told she’d likely not be able to have children. One woman I know ttc for a few years and finally conceived after acupuncture and the whole nine yards. We knew we’d never go as far as IVF so our treatments were exactly what we wanted, they just didn’t pan out. This morning I threw out my unused ovulation and pregnancy tests and I’ll start birth control in a day or two. Intellectually I know that being child free has a lot of highlights and many things to look forward to but the grief is fresh and just settling in. I took the day off work to be alone and sit with whatever feelings came up. I’ve read some posts here, seems like a supportive and fun group. :)

Use this thread to discuss anything you want.

What are you reading? Watching? Cooking? How's your day going?

My husband (M 39) and myself (F 44) live in a pretty basic suburban neighborhood. Our house is close to the neighbors’ houses and they all have young children. We have no privacy in our backyard. The neighbor behind us has two kids under 3 and is pregnant (I’ve been avoiding her for the past several months. I just can’t have the “oh you’re pregnant” conversation with her.) We’ve tried to get to know our neighbors but they’re not very receptive to us. Yet I see them all hanging out in their yards with their kids and I feel so left out. I wave and say hello and try to make conversation. I’m friendly to the kids. But nothing. It makes me feel insecure - like they look at us as the weird couple without kids who they can’t relate to.

Now we’re moving out of state for my husband’s job. The couple who bought our house have a young child and I can’t help but think the neighbors will be relieved to have a “regular family with kids” living in our house who they can befriend.

I’m also having a hard time with the move. I was excited about it at first - we felt like it would be a fresh start for us (we’re only two years into be IFCF). But now it’s bringing up a lot of sadness and insecurities. We have a great relocation team but we’re really struggling to find an area we where we feel like we fit in. I don’t want to live in a typical suburb because it makes me feel sad and lonely. But we may not be able to afford the more diverse areas with more private lots.

I guess I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. I’m scared I’ll always feel like an outsider with no kids (and eventually no grandkids). Anyone else feel that way?

Hi everyone. I was having a good day until about two and a half hours ago. My mother and I speak everyday, which I don't mind, however today as we're talking she just casually mentions my cousin, who swore she was going to be childfree, is pregnant. She only found out because my brother and his wife got an invitation to the baby shower.

My mother knows what I went through last year with my final failed IVF. She also knows how seriously depressed I was because of it. She also knows that pregnancy is a massive trigger for me, but she tells me this only because she didn't get an invitation to the baby shower and wanted to whine about it. And the worse part is when I reminded her that hearing about pregnancies is a really bad trigger for me she says, "I know."

It's like, really?! Expletive really?!?!

Currently I'm more angry with her than hearing that news. I'm currently in my bed listening to Dies Irae from Mozart's Requiem on repeat until I can be less violently angry (this is something I haven't done in years, so thanks Mom). But I know at some point the sadness will hit and that just adds another layer to this. And the absolute worse part is I have been so happy lately. So again, thanks mom.

I went through 4 rounds of IVF to have a baby on my own and all I got out of it was a chemical and two missed miscarriages.

I am destroyed in body, mind, spirit, and finances.

I cannot see a future. What are the first steps people took to try to survive this outcome?

It seems like anyone in this situation at least has a partner to focus on. I have nothing, and I’m 39. Is there really any way to go on? Is there any point in even trying to go on in my situation?