I’m an older millennial and I’ve been practicing 4B for almost 10 years without realizing that it was a movement. I read about it in the NYT a few years ago and was like, wow, there’s actually a whole bunch of women who feel the same way I do. Disclaimer: I’m aroace (aromantic and asexual) so that’s a major part.

I’ve felt a lot of pressure since I was 17 to find a husband and have children, especially from my mother. Before I went to college, I was told that I needed to do two things while I was there: 1) work hard to get my degree so I could get a good job and support myself (no issue with this); and two, find a husband so I could get married and have a litter of children (this is not something that anyone should tell their kids to do). Oddly enough, my parents aren’t conservatives, they’re liberals who detest trump. But that’s what they wanted my path to be.

Needless to say, at 17 and about to start college, I was terrified. My entire life was to be centered around finding a husband so I could get married and raise children. I forced myself to date and at least try to find someone who I could consider marrying. It didn’t happen by the time I graduated. It didn’t happen during grad school and it didn’t happen when I started working after grad school. Admittedly, a large part of it is that I’m aroace. But man, did I spend a good portion of my teens, 20s, and early 30s centered around finding a husband.

I was about 34 when I finally had an epiphany - I’m happiest when I’m doing the things that I love and I’m focusing on what makes me feel good. Sometimes it’s being with family and friends, sometimes it’s lying on the couch watching Netflix, sometimes it’s taking my dogs for long walks. What I’m trying to say is, you can be centered on yourself and be completely happy.

For anyone thinking that I hate men, I don’t. I believe a great deal of men are good guys - the men in my life, like my dad, my BIL, and a few friends (yes, they’re Harris voters) are wonderful. But when I decided to focused on what I wanted to do with my life and not worry about what any man thinks about my choices, that’s when I started to feel my best.

I’m in PA & 18, recently found out the state has a legal age limit of 21 for sterilization (total bs imo) not only that, many insurances especially government will not cover such things also until 21, so what can i do now?

as far as ive been able to find, the nearest surrounding states also have the same age limit even if i were able to manage the cost & travel. so what are my options if sterilization is almost 2 and a half years away from being possible for me IF its even accessible at all by then in the US..

im sure long term bc’s like iud and implant are the highest suggestions but personally i’d rather not mess with them considering the potential side effects and that i’ve never used bc before.

any suggestions and ideas? i’m honestly losing a bit of hope here and stressing like crazy this past week

39yo women here living in CA. I will have Kaiser for the first time starting January and given the current situation of things, I'd like to get sterilized. I don't plan on having kids and have never wanted them. I don't anticipate it will be an issue considering my age, but I thought I'd check to see if anyone had any trouble with Kaiser docs agreeing to this procedure.

I’m 26 years old and really do not want kids. I’m currently on the Depo shot, but I saw there was a recent study that using Depo increases the chances of brain tumors. I’m scared of getting an IUD because people say they will not provide any anesthesia and the pain is horrible. I’m not good at remembering to take a pill either. I love the Depo shot because I don’t have any cramps or periods, but I don’t want to keep taking it if I’m at a risk of brain tumors. I’d love to get my tubes removed but I have no insurance. Anyone have any advice? Thank you. (:

I can’t confirm/deny this works yet, but I threw $120 towards ordering a legion pills through Women on Web. If I have the privilege of potentially throwing $120 away, I might as well have something on hand to support me or a loved one now that a national abortion ban is on the books. Never thought I’d ever even think about doing this… but I rather “get ready, and be ready”

I'll admit it - whenever an intelligent woman that I respect announces pregnancy I lose some respect for her. Yes, I judge her. I have yet to hear of a good reason to have kids. This goes for my own mother as well. For years I wondered why she had me. Finally, I had the courage to ask her, and it went something like this:

Me: Why did you have me?

Her: I didn't want to be alone.

Me: Were you alone before you had me? (context: my parent are married and I have older siblings.)

Her: I guess I didn't really think about it, I just had you.

So... that was anticlimactic. But also a relief. No grand reason, they just finished one inside the other and here I am! Life has no meaning other than what we pour into it ourselves.

Did anyone else have a similar conversation with their folks?

One mom saying her daughter’s friend was taunted at a school, 13 year old boys saying “NOW WE CAN FORCE YOU TO HAVE A BABY, YOU CANT GET AN ABORTION”. And another saying her 11 year old daughter was told by a schoolmate that he was going to take her virginity. AT 11!!!! And another mom saying the boys at school are doing whatever they want (touching, hair grabbing, all around harassing) and saying “your body, my choice”. And MORE. What the actuallllll fuck.

I wouldn’t have a kid in the public school system anyway, I would have chosen to home school a long time ago(sooo much effort! CF is the way), but I feel so scared for all the little girls and young women. I specifically know a few going through puberty right now and I just cannotttt imagine trying to battle all the hell that puberty is in a time where the boys at school are becoming a horrifying escalation of what they already were.

And the other side of that- having a young son, trying to fight off all the crazy batshit misogyny that they’re being fed by other kids/podcasts/social media/etc. I refuse to have that be my life.

So thankful for my choices, but I can’t help but feel so sick and helpless for all the young girls and women who are getting it even worse than when I was growing up. Which was really fucking bad at times.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/anti-rape-condoms-picture-will-jagged-teeth-deter-world-cup-sex-assaults-rape-axe-hopes-so/

I know its been the topic of discussion the last few days. I live in Colorado and I'd like to think I would be safe from all of this bullshit, but let's be real. I had a consult over the summer and I was kind of on the fence, but there is no doubt in my mind that this is the best decision for me. Surgery is booked for January. I feel like it's giving me what little control i may have left. I also like to think of it as a giant fuck you to all who voted for that POS. I still have power over my body and this is what I'm going to do with it. My heart is shattered for everyone whose life is going to be affected by this unbelievably evil man. Love you all♥️

It seems that most 30s women want children and I expect that in most places. Some women can be fence sitters for many years and then change their minds later. Meeting potential matches the regular way can take years for most of us unless we get lucky. Is there a way I could find more CF ladies without having to weed through so many people? Are there any dating apps or events exclusively for CF folks? I know avoiding fence sitters can be a challenge but it would be nice to know that too.

I met him on Hinge. Whether or not I spend the rest of my life with this man, the experience of our paths crossing and dating him has restored my hope and faith in finding someone. After getting my heart broken by two exes that changed their mind and decided that they wanted children, I’m currently on Cloud 9.

This is the first time I’ve dated a man that (responsibly) made the decision to get the procedure; I can confidently say that I went from being 100% confident of remaining childfree to 200%, after meeting him. 😂

I am so grateful for this experience, no matter the outcome. I hope this will help someone that may be feeling discouraged. ❤️

So I’m (mid 20s NB AFAB) in a poly relationship with two others (my boyfriend and our girlfriend) and both are okay that I don’t want any biological kids and I’m okay if they have kids. We have discussed that I’d be considered as 3rd parent figure to any potential kids but I don’t know what that makes me in regards of me personally not having kids and remaining childfree in a biological way. I feel like I’d still be childfree whether or not they have kids because I don’t have any kids (and should we break up it’s not like Id have any legal rights to any of the potential kids). Guess I’m feeling confused. I’m happy with them and I’d be happy for them if they have kids.

In light of recent developments, having the ability to display our sterilization status and perhaps type seems like an idea worth considering. It’d be a useful indicator of commitment to not reproducing beyond just the “Don’t have children + Don’t want children” many apps now offer.

Considering its importance with regard to lifestyle and worldview, it seems worth promoting to a first-class attribute rather than just a note in one’s bio.

my mom thinks me having a baby will solve my problems

My mom thinks that me having a baby and a husband will cure my mental illness and my lack of dopamine.

I have schizoaffective disorder and bipolar 1. I can't take care of a fucking baby. I can't even take care of myself and I hate myself a lot. I starve myself. I hurt myself. She thinks my life lacks purpose cause I have no baby.

I have no car, no money, no job. I have to rely on social security checks. I have intrusive and racing thoughts. I'm probably gonna be homeless in 10 years honestly.

Why does my mother think this? She really really really wants a baby but she can't have one cause she is old. She wants me to make a baby and give the baby to her. I am not doing that.

I feel like im just breading mare to her. she even said my stepdad could give me his sperm and make a baby for her that way???? wtf??? hes my STEPDAD

So I was in the pub last night with a friend and couple of his friends join that I had met once before.

One of them (let’s call her Joanna) starts chatting to me about dating and we start showing each other our potential matches in our dating apps.

I swipe no on a good looking guy and she asks what was wrong with him. I say nothing but it says he has kids and I don’t want them or to be with anyone who has them. She seems disgusted by this! She takes a few mins and says ok what about if they have older kids like late teens and I say still a hard no for me personally as they will still be their main priority (as they should be if they’re a good parent) and I want someone without that permanent responsibility. Then she says what if they’re not that involved in the kids life? And I say well that’s even worse because then they’re a bum and a crap person if they’re an irresponsible father. “Oh what about if the mum just won’t let them see the kid?” Well then I would just question why she wouldn’t want him around the kid……

Again she seems so offended by this (she had a teenager herself) and is a lot less chatty with me for the rest of the night. I had explained I had never had ANY maternal feelings and shouldn’t have kids or be involved with them in that context because I don’t want the kids to feel rejected by their dad’s partner, it’s not fair to anyone.

She still looks annoyed and like I had just punched her nan or something.

About half an hour later she turns to me, tells me she’s a therapist and that the love of my life probably has kids and she really wants me to give them a try. I say he won’t have because the love of my life would have the same mindset as me and want a life where we can do what we want when we want without the responsibility of a child and she just huffed and turned away from me!

I just don’t understand why this near stranger cared so much about who I would/wouldn’t date?! WHAT WAS THAT?!

I found this story funny and thought other CF might as well.

I was set up at a craft fair and in between two women who both brought their babies. It was fine, they were relatively good and the one mother and I chatted a lot during the day. Her 7 month old was very cute and happy, on the cusp of figuring out how to laugh so we tried to make the little girl laugh in between customers.

The baby fell asleep on mom at some point. I said, while gazing at the sleeping peaceful baby, “man I’m really jealous!”

The mother took that and asked, “oh do you want kids?”

I responded with a LOUD laughter and said “no I just want a nap!”

As cute as that baby was for a few hours I don’t want that. I’m just jealous I can’t take a comfy nap anywhere anytime!

(bonus: The woman told me later that she was missing the newborn stage, and looking forward to producing three to four more babies because babies are cute and apparently after seven months it’s too different? Get a small dog or cat then, don’t create a whole human being to enjoy those couple early months..)

It’s 1pm where I’m at. Now I’m going to eat cereal, go get my hair done, and go to my bestie’s house to watch House of the Dragon and play Fortnite.

I can’t have kids.

Hi everyone.

I’m considering getting my tubes tied, I’m 23. I live in a blue state but I’m very worried about project 2025. Before trump got elected I’ve considered getting this done and ideally I’d like more time to think. I know I never want to give birth it terrifies me. Even though birth terrifies me sometimes I find myself thinking about what my biological children would look like and I’m concerned I could regret this decision. I don’t want to sacrifice my body or my time to be a mother but what if later in life I end up changing my mind? I can’t see that happening but I’m not 100%. How did you know you were ready to go through with it? I feel like I wasn’t ready to commit due to these doubts but I feel like I’ll never be able to get it done once trumps in office. I’m scared to get stuck with a baby if abortion is gone or possibly dying.

I was cleaning my apartment building for my mom and then I saw a big ass drawing on the wall of a big smiley face with a tic tack toe drawing, and it was permanent marker. Like do the parents just not care? because that is just not okay

Two out of three nephews voted for Trump. I can't imagine the horror if they were one of my kids. I'm still horrified and told them as much.

This is purely based on observation from my own experience and anecdotes from others, but as much as parents bang on about “Who will take care of you when you’re old?” they are the loneliest in old age from my experience.

For example, my grandparents, who live far away and refuse to go anywhere despite being mobile, healthy and in their 70s, are constantly talking about how sad they are and how we wish we would visit more (we work full time). Meanwhile, before she passed, their childless neighbour was an art dealer well into her 80s, travelling abroad to see art and do deals, and driving to auctions with her friends on the weekends.

I think non-parents are forced to really put the work in to build relationships and carve out their path in adult life, while parents rely on their children/grandchildren as their social life, and their relatives likely feel obligated to hang out with them, even if they were shitty parents.

Maybe I'm the only one with this. I know it sounds weird and I am NOT regretting getting sterilized or wishing I could have kids. I'm just struggling to come to terms with the fact that this thing, birth control, that I had to worry about for the last 20 years is no longer an issue. I'm an anxious person and am medicated for it, as a disclaimer.

I would lie awake obsessing over if my birth control was used correctly and what I would do if it failed. Now I don't have to and it's like I'm instead feeling this weird empty place where all those worries used to be in my head. Like I just can't believe it's no longer a concern. My surgery was really easy; I was back at my desk job the next day. So how could something so easy end two decades of stress and bad side effects? At first I even doubted they removed the tubes until I read the surgery report and pathology report.

What am I supposed to do with all the extra time now I don't have to use for worrying, haha? It's almost like it hasn't set in yet even though it's been 2 months.

Just wanted to add something more cheerful. Today I got confused for a teenager by a guy though I'm in my 30s. I do take care of my skin, one of the great things about CF life is sometimes you got the money for things, but it made me feel really good. And I know it would be a different story if I had kids. Anybody else out there getting those feel good compliments? Do you think being CF aids with how we age?

Obviously with the election we have had a huge surge in /r/Childfree's popularity over the last few days. Many people have come here to find sterilization advice, but with that we also get trolls.

Please report comments that are abusive, harassing, or just trolly in nature. It's frustrating to have to go through and deleted 20+ heavily downvoted comments by one person because they are only downvoted but not reported.

The Mod Team does not have the time or capacity to read through every single comment on every single thread, so we depend on the reports to bring our attention to problem uses. We do check reports. But if the trolls aren't reported, it's very hard to stop them from continuing to harass the sub.

Thank you.

Hey I’m in my 40s child free by choice. I’m hoping to move house in the new year and really considering best places for me. I’m hoping this doesn’t come across awful but I live in a new build estate currently nice house quiet street. Was all professional couples and retirees when I moved here. Since then few families have moved. Summer is a living hell for me. I don’t mind kids playing but we all have back gardens and the parents choose to send them out the front - playing in front of cars, running into our driveways and gardens. I understand kids will be kids but it has made me so unrelaxed. No one else seems to care even when damage has occurred kicking balls. I guess because these housing estates are away from main roads this is why it’s likely to attract families and they are happy to leave their kids to run around as they please

So I’ve come to the conclusion best thing for me is to downsize to a small apartment or very small house with no garden (maybe courtyard) where less likely to be children.

Has anyone here made their living choice to try and avoid children friendly spaces?

My worry is you could still get families moving into flats - understand houses are not affordable options for many families these days. Then it would be worse with kids in the car park and corridors

Any thoughts from people with similar view point appreciated or what measures I can take to limit another experience like my current one

Apologies if this comes off rude I don’t hate kids at all just they are not conducive to my being able to relax and a lot of parents round here just don’t care about trespass etc

Thanks

The results of this election show that this country’s view of the role of women is that they solely exist to make babies. And men solely exist to make billionaires richer.

I will do everything I can to support my friends trying their best raising kids but lately I just kind of internally have lost a little bit of respect for them. I don't understand how they can make these choices at this time. Maybe things felt more hopeful a handful of years or even months/days ago but even then my husband and I saw the writing on the wall. We were hopeful, but not optimistic.

Like. What do they look around and see that is different than what I'm seeing? Do they not see how the far right is setting up to continually remove rights and freedoms from the American populace? Do they not see how each generation will have it harder than the last on order to find and source safe, nutritious food, free from "forever chemicals" that have serious or relatively unknown negative health impacts?

Do they not see that they will have an uphill battle of raising young men who don't see women as property, or raising young women who are SAFE? Of raising POC children to have any semblance of security and sense of safety? Their peers will be more and more extreme, and that will influence them as much as if not more than whatever parents say/teach at home.

Do they not see that the Republicans are about to gut the education system and any child with ANY sort of special needs (IEP, Sp-Ed, etc) will be completely left behind if they are successful.

Are they hedging their bets that they will be one of the lucky few who "aren't affected". And don't realize that even if they're not directly affected the child will have to live in this world surrounded by that... And just hope that their child is as un-empathetic as they are.

I'm convinced they are too willfully ignorant to look around them and see what is really happening. I am HOPING they're just too uneducated or lacking the critical thinking skills to understand. The alternative is that they're just equally as malevolent or hold these same hateful beliefs. And THOSE people really shouldn't be raising kids.

I can't fathom wanting to raise children to "save" this country at this point. What a colossal burden to put on someone...

I was thinking about the lack of child free dating apps. As far as I know, there aren't any out there, as there traditionally aren't enough folks interested in that lifestyle. However, in recent years it has obviously become more popular. Would this mean that maybe a CF dating app is in the future?

But then I think about the election here in the US and now I'm like "will they even allow that in the near future I wonder"

Just some shower thoughts I guess. I dunno what the point of this post is except to say, I wish it was easier to find CF people on dating apps. I should also mention, I was engaged a year ago. We had been together for 4 years. I told him straight away that I wanted to be CF. He agreed and was happy, would even make comments when we were out at places and kids were acting up. "Oh I am so glad that will never be us, I am so happy with our CF choices". Well we broke up, and guess what he put on his new dating profile? WANTS KIDS. Wtf? I just want to make a genuine connection with someone who truly IS and wants to remain CF.

Of course now that I am thinking of this further, what would stop people like my ex from joining the CF sites under false circumstances and they either try to change your mind about kids or hide it from you or.. I don't even know. I wish more people wanted to be CF I guess lol.

It you cant get or afford a sterilisation in the us, please come to germany. The Operation costs about 600 to 800 euros and I know not everybody is going to be able to afford the Trip but für the ones that can Cover the costs, I'd be very happy to Herr if it worked put for you :)