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I got into an argument with my wife because she gave me $500 to buy a new Christmas tree and decorations. She said whatever was leftover, I could keep and buy whatever I want. She's mad at me now because she doesn't like the tree I picked out!!! What should I do?? I have already spent the leftover money. 😣

Picture of the tree…

“I’m so glad you’re always there to put everything in the right context, especially if you come up with that context yourself.”

You guys have some more? 😋

My partner smashed up the front end of my car just before leaving for TO. So, in return, am I allowed to watch the season finale of the Diplomat without her?

My dad has a sneeze I find hysterical. like he is yelling. Anyone else find anything else weird to be funny?

Once upon time in a land far, far away lived three Cheerio worlds: Perfect Cheerio World, Mediocre Cheerio World, and Non-perfect Cheerio World. Anybody who was anybody wanted to reside in Perfect Cheerio World, but unfortunately only the lucky few got the honor of living in Perfect Cheerio World. In Non-perfect Cheerio World there was a Cheerio named Joe. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was a regular person just like you and me. Day in and day out though he wished for a better world to live in. He believed he deserved the chance to experience Perfect Cheerio World because he worked his Cheerio butt off 24/7.

One night when Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was on his way home from work, a Cheerio Genie visited him. The Cheerio Genie had noticed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe's constant dedication to his job, friends, and family and thought that he deserved a little loving himself. The Cheerio Genie allowed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe to have one wish. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe wished that he could go to Perfect Cheerio World for a day. The Cheerio Genie, being the good cheerio that he is, granted Non-perfect Cheerio Joe his wish.

Come Saturday morning after a long week at the office, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe awoke in a place unfamiliar to him. He knew immediately that he was in Perfect Cheerio World. A Perfect Cheerio soon approached him. Oh how Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was envious of this cheerio. He wasn’t cracked or broken and looked like he had taken a nice dip in Skim Milk. A world with Skim Milk? Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was jealous, that’s for sure. The Perfect Cheerio introduced himself and coincidentally his name was Joe as well. What are the odds?

Perfect Cheerio Joe started to tell Non-perfect Cheerio Joe about all the fun and exciting things that Perfect Cheerio World has to offer. Perfect Cheerio Joe offered to be Non-perfect Cheerio Joe’s tour guide for the day. “First things first,” Perfect Cheerio Joe said, “We must go get some breakfast!”

Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Joe walked into a little café and went to the front of the line. The cashier politely told them that they had to wait at the back of the line. “Where’s that?” Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.

"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then you’ll reach the end of the line," said the cashier.

Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe obliged and waited on the long line to get their breakfast. Next, Perfect Cheerio Joe said that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe had to go to the National Cheerio Museum. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved museums so he happily agreed. When they arrived at the National Cheerio Museum, they first had to purchase tickets to see some exhibits. They walked up to the ticket booth where they were told to head to back of the line. “Where’s that?” Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.

"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then you’ll reach the end of the line."

Although the line was long, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was ecstatic because he got to see the first Cheerio ever created. Perfect Cheerio Joe then recommended they go see a movie because Non-perfect Cheerio World doesn’t have any movie theaters. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe picked the movie, Unrequited Love for a Honey Nut Cheerio. Even Cheerios love romantic comedies. The movie theater was gorgeous and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was so happy until they had to buy tickets for the movie and they had to go to the back of the line. “Where’s that?” Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.

"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then you’ll reach the end of the line."

Once they were in the movie theater, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew that he couldn’t have the full movie experience without popcorn. He quickly left the theater during the previews and went to buy some popcorn. He was told to head to the back of the line. These long lines were really starting to bother Non-perfect Cheerio Joe, but he knew he was only here for a day so he had to experience it all. “Where’s the back of the line?” Nonperfect Cheerio Joe asked.

"It wraps around the theater, so head south on Strawberry Street. Then make two rights. Next walk two blocks down and make a left onto Grain Road, then you’ll be at the end of the line."

Non-perfect Cheerio Joe hoped the popcorn would be worth it. Just as he sat down in his seat with his popcorn the movie was beginning. I know what luck! Damn previews. After the movie was finished, Perfect Cheerio Joe recommended going to a party so that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe could meet a bunch of Perfect Cheerios. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved all Cheerios so he was pumped! When they arrived outside of the party they had to wait in line to enter. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was getting a wee bit frustrated when he asked where the end of the line was.

"Walk 1.37 miles. Then when you get to the fork in the road take a right. Then you need to make one right, one left, one right, and one left. After that you’ll be at the end of the line."

Although Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was exhausted by the time they got into the party he was still ready to dance the night away. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe and Perfect Cheerio Joe headed straight to the dance floor and boogied all night. Two hours in, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe got thirsty. Perfect Cheerio Joe mentioned that the punch at this place was the bomb dot com. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe decided that without punch he would probably pass out. After waiting all day on so many lines Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew what to expect. He walked up to the Cheerio serving the punch and said, “Where’s the punch line?”

The server looked at him confused, “There is no punch line.”

The End

I want jokes that Doug Stanhope would say or write