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The trailer for Nicole Newnham’s 2023 documentary, The disappearance of Shere Hite has been rotating upwards on social media of late.

At a semi-educated guess, I’d say it’s not long before this excellent film appears on a streaming service or two or three.

I’ve already watched and enjoyed the film, so was diving into a few reviews to get a sense of other people’s takes. In particular I was watching Mark Kermode’s review.

Towards the end of said review, Kermode and his broadcast partner, Simon Mayo, have the following exchange:

Kermode: somebody said to me that they were talking to one of their younger colleagues or a student or something and they mentioned The Hite Report and the guy said ‘what’s that?’, and she went ‘I can’t believe that we’ve got to the point that people are going “what’s The Hite Report?”.’ I mean, if you were our age^1 there were copies of it everywhere.

Mayo: I’ve never seen it.

Kermode: You’ve never seen The Hite Report?

Mayo: No.

Kermode: Well, OK. All right. Well that maybe says something about me.^2

I was as taken aback as Kermode that Mayo had never seen this book. And I was as appalled as Kermode’s somebody that we’ve gotten to the point that people don’t know what The Hite Report is.

Because Shere Hite was a pioneering sexologist who’s two major research works are still important reading today, 48 years and 43 years after the first and second were published respectively.

Her first major work, The Hite report: a nationwide study of female sexuality, was, as others have noted a sexual revolution in six hundred pages.

Hite surveyed 100,000+ American women, ranging in age from 14 to 78, and asked, for pretty much the first time, what they did and did not like about sex; what orgasms felt like to them; what their sexual pleasures and frustrations were; and so much more.

The book exploded across America, becoming the 30th bestselling US book of all time.

Millions of women had their own experiences publicly validated — in print, and on TV, and on the radio — for the first time.

It is not underselling it to say Hite’s book changed the sexual and intimate lives of millions.

Hite’s second major work was The Hite report on male sexuality. Published in 1981, it did not get nearly as much attention at the time.

Which is a deadly pity, because all of the signs and symptoms of Straight Male despair and loneliness, mostly (indeed, almost exclusively) expressed as anger, are set out in Hite’s book.

Hite did not set out to predict the creation and rise of Incels. But it’s all there in the data and in the survey responses.

This said, it is also not underselling things to say the backlash against Hite and her work was fierce and horrendous.

So horrific were the constant attacks on her and her work that, only a few years after publishing, Hite left the United States and never came back. She eventually renounced her American citizenship, took German citizenship, and after living in both France and Germany for many years, settled, in her later years, with her second husband, in Tottenham, England.

And, contrary to the plain meaning of the documentary’s title, Hite did not disappear. She continued to work and publish, including a novel, Fliegen mit Jupiter, published in 1991 (the English translation, Flying with Jupiter was published in 1993).

But, as the documentary makes clear, Hite was disappeared. She was removed from the default narrative of things that happened in the 1970 and 1980s in the United States.

And even the women who’d learned from her work mostly forgot where they’d learned these things from. Which damaged their ability to pass on the lessons to those coming after them.

Virtually everything women, today, are talking about with regards sex and sexual pleasure, is clearly and explicitly talked about in Hite’s first book, from 48 years ago.

One of the more insidious ways the marginalised are held in their marginalised place is by having their own past erased, generation after generation.

Because women — even women advocating for sexual and social liberation — routinely don’t know who Shere Hite was, and don’t know her work, they end up spending enormous amounts of time and energy, in effect, re-creating said work.

And, and even worse, the disappearance of Hite and her reports from the general record means even if these advocates do know about her and her work, they can’t just build on it, because the people they are arguing with and the people they are arguing for don’t recognise the shoulders on which they stand.

1. Mark Kermode was born 1963-07-02. He is closing in on 61 years old as I write and post this.

2. To quote from the Wikipedia article linked to above:

In the mid-1980s, Kermode was an "affiliate" of the Revolutionary Communist Group (RCG) and was involved in the Viraj Mendis Defence Campaign, against the deportation of one of the group's members to Sri Lanka. This developed into a high-profile national campaign involving people from left-wing groups such as the RCG, local residents of Manchester and extending to church leaders and Labour Party Members of Parliament. Kermode describes himself in this period as “a red-flag waving bolshie bore with a subscription to Fight Racism Fight Imperialism and no sense of humour.”

Her name will just be V for now. I've been friends with her for almost my entire life. I can barely remember a time where we weren't friends. I would do anything for her. Now I'm not amazing at showing gratitude and care, so I wrote a note and made a bracelet based off the song "Home". The actual bracelet says "Home is wherever I'm with you" because it reminded me of her, but I felt the note was a little corny because it said things like "There isn't much I wouldn't do for you" and quotes from the song like "Hot and heavy pumpkin pie, chocolate candy Jesus Christ, ain't nothing pleases me more than you" and "Man oh man you're my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness" and when I showed the note to one of my friends they said that it was bassicaly a love note. And I started thinking and realized I loved her, a lot. Though I know she likely doesn't return feelings. Recently I've been thinking about her a lot and I just don't know what to do.

I guess this was also kind of a vent

I’m a 25f and I’ve had a crush on my 25f bff basically since childhood. We both came out around the same time but she was a bit more comfortable with her sexuality before me. I’m fairly timid and don’t date around too much. But I also think it’s partially because I feel like I’ve found my person in my best friend and lowkey/highkey want to see how it would go between us. I’m very bad at flirting and we always joke about how hard it is to tell when another woman is flirting with us. (Sometimes feels friendly with notes of a lil something else). We occasionally say (what I think are) flirtatious jokes/comments to eachother but never done anything physical. On one hand I’m afraid of making it known that I’m sexually and romantically attracted to her because we have been best friends since middle school and o don’t want to ruin the relationship but on the other hand I feel like I just want to go for it because it’s hard for me to date anyone else while she’s on my mind. I was thinking of trying to kiss her on New Year’s and phrase it as “just for practice 😏😉” since we haven’t been with anyone in a while. This could be a bad idea and trigger my fear of rejection tenfold or she will kiss me back and we just go back to normal orrrr she’ll kiss me back and her facial/body language/etc will show she’s into me as well? Idk I’m scaredddddd lol.

I really want to be a feminine, girly person with that pretty gentle aura. But specifically, every time I wear something girly, It feels wrong. I'm a person who's quite grungy, and always opts for dark colours. I also don't act very girly, I'm a pretty low tone chill 'buddy' person, or in my energetic moments it's a weirdo energy (which I love.) I've also got numerous issues and am quite a competitive person, which doesn't help (I know this is an issue for self-development) Do you have any advice on how I can feel more girly? Or should I just accept myself/improve mental health?

It's been 4 months coming out of a 3.5 year relationship. I've been working on myself, lots of progress made, but the feelings are still there. It's exhausting, tiring, and feels cringe.

My partner and I both work. They work out of the home, and always have.

Over the years I’ve worked both from my home office and outside the home. Recently, I’m back to working entirely from my home office, albeit with a touch more real-time interaction with colleagues than was previously common in my field. And most of these colleagues are half-a-dozen and more time-zones away.

As a consequence of this and other aspects of our household logistics, our shared food-preparing has changed.

What was, for a long time, a set of real-time shared tasks has become a still-shared but now bifurcated set of tasks.

For more than a year now, I’ve made our breakfast and prepared my lunch and their lunch each morning, and they have done almost all the dinner-making. (I do fill the plongeur’s and/or commise’s role, depending on the meal. Sometimes, however and thanks to my occasionally funtastic schedule, I do the plongeur’s jobs after the meal is done.)

Also, and separately from this, we eat out once a week, and we are both all-in on Friday afternoon Shabbat prep.

Several months into this new, and emergent, pattern, I started worrying that this was an inequitable division of labour.

I mentioned this and my partner shrugged their shoulders and noted that:

1. it was a simple and practical division given our schedules; and consequently

2. they were OK with it.

And I should have been fine with that. We’ve been together for decades; bought property; raised kids; nursed agéd family; managed serious illnesses and injuries, and more. If my partner says they are OK with something, I believe them.

But it was still bothering me. So, recently, I brought it up again. This time noting that my problem was that they were now spending more time on food prep than I was. Which didn’t seem fair.

And they looked at me sideways and said ‘huh’.

Because — as they then explained — when I’d first brought it up, they’d also had a worry about the new pattern, but it was essentially the opposite of mine.

Their concern was that our new, bifurcated, approach, meant I was doing two-thirds of the food prep and they were only doing one-third. And not even all of one-third at that, since I was both my own plongeur and their plongeur.

Which made me smile for two, and then three, reasons.

First, that we were both worried on the other’s behalf, even if we’d not managed to get that point across the first time the issue had been raised.

And second, that we were measuring the task sharing on completely different but entirely explicable scales (me: time-taken; they: % of meals prepared) and had both made the standard error of assuming our particular scale was so self-evident, it didn’t need explicit mention. Our cognitive biases are always there, even — indeed, especially — when we don’t think they are.

A few hours later, I smiled for the third reason. Because, belatedly, it occurred to me that, while we both measured the tasks differently, neither of us gendered the tasks. Tasks that are, still, strongly gendered in the wider world.

Because, one advantage of queering the intimate relationship script, is the way it requires you to unpack and abandon the gendered defaults.

And, if you do that for long enough, you have a mundane domestic discussion one day and, a few hours later, realise you’ve not thought about the logistics of your day-to-day life in gendered terms for decades, and perhaps ever.

And, moreover, that thinking about this stuff in un-gendered terms is, without question and absolutely, better.

So, essentially I just got perma banned from the Feminism subreddit for making a sarcastic comment and then they muted me when I wanted to clarify that it was sarcasm, which I think is pretty extreme but whatever. I was wondering if there were any other good subreddits out there similar to this one and the Feminism subreddit that have actually decent mods?

I honestly don't know if I should stick with him after hearing his thoughts on the movie. By him saying its "anti-male", it made me do a double take. I read this post and I remember him saying that it was a horror movie, and why men were painted so cruelly in the movie just because they wanted to be equals in Barbieland. I was like... I honestly don't know how I could still be friends with him.

Reading online and in the media, etc...everybody says women like men more than men like women, in a more well rounded way and across the world and throughout history. Many people even question if men even like women and say that take sex with women away and men instead prefer men in every way. ("Men only want one thing," men see men as superior to women.) This made me depressed and reclusive, knowing that I am surrounded by people who think and accept that, and by women who stay attracted to men despite that, since I have lost all attraction to men due to these things

I asked my psychologist, parents and sister (f eminist) about some of the things I read online regarding this and they said:

That most people think that sexism is more common towards women than men, but not so much more common. And that sexism is not about hating women nor seeing them as inferior. It's about men having had the physical strength in history to gain and exert power and control. And women were seen as different, but equal. Traditional roles meant men worked, women raised families. And like some women didn't like these roles & wanted to work, some men wanted to spend more time with their children and families. And also women weren't only defined by their relationships to men (nor there to serve men/be owned by men) anymore than men were defined by their relationships to women, since men were also expected to marry and work for the family

That most people think that sexism towards men is not just a thing as backlash because of sexism towards women

That most people don't think that men objectify women, while women don't objectify men. Nor that women respect men more and treat them better

That most people don't think violence towards women is about a hatred of women, and that it's instead about testosterone, power, control, and women being easier targets due to being physically weaker & men who commit d omestic violence and r ape are also the types to start pub fights with men, etc

That most don't think that women in typically male jobs, hobbies, roles and clubs have to prove themselves/are held to higher standards and harassed, (female gamers, etc) while men in typically female jobs, hobbies, roles and clubs are not harassed, are praised for the bare minimum. (Fathers with their kids, drag queens, gay male makeup artists, gay men & "gay BFFs" in general being supported more by women than lesbians are by women or men, etc.) Nor that women and female celebs in general are held to higher standards and behavioural standards than men and hated for a lot less. Nor that men need male lead characters and male role models in movies, books and music, etc, whereas women like male or female

That most don't think that women have internalised misogny and hate each other, compete and get jealous while men have stronger friendships, bonds, bromances and camaraderie

That most don't think that muslim men and muslim countries (billions of people) hate women or treat them like rubbish, while the women love the men much more. And that most don't think that across the world and throughout history women like men more than men like women, in a more well rounded way, nor that if you took sex away men would prefer men in all ways

What do you think? My psychologist, parents and sister have known and know many people, are quite mainstream. I have no real life experience, only reading online and looking at the media, etc. F eminist women and f eminist men seem to have a victimisation fetish and tortured souls who perceive fetish, as they stay attracted to men and don't expect women to lose attraction to men. Being happy with finding the needle in the haystack is pathetic.

I read online and saw in the media, etc about ageism towards women, and it made me wonder why women are not miserable that they are surrounded by it and by the fact women are attracted to a wider age range of men. And I questioned why women as they age stay attracted to men, in a pathetic, unrequited attraction and find the needle in the haystack type of way. And also I wondered why older people aren't depressed that people see their faces, their bodies and their sex lives in such a negative way. Since it made me not attracted to men anymore & low mood. I cannot accept this stuff being believed, accepted and surrounding me in society, and I became reclusive

So I asked my psychologist, parents and sister about this, and they said to me:

That physical beauty is not believed by most people to be about how much younger a person is/how much younger they look

And that it's not believed by most people that men prefer younger women when it comes down to physical beauty and sex

What do you think? My psychologist says she has known and worked with thousands of people & so that means she knows.

I read online negative things about vaginas, it made me wonder why women and sex positive f eminists still want to have sex with men when they believe these things that I read, and also made me question how they can still feel sexual. After reading these things, I was turned off men completely and became a loner, because I don't wanna be surrounded by a world where women and others think & accept these things

I read online that men fetishize and sexualise transgender women and women who have penises while women and gay men don't do that with transgender men and men who have vaginas. I asked my psychologist, parents and sister and they said that the vast majority of men have no interest in trans women pre op nor post op and also no interest in women with penises

I read that oral is given to men much more than it's given to women, this isn't about men being selfish, since gay men are male and give oral most commonly of all. My psychologist, parents and sister said oral is 50/50 between men and women

I read that vaginas are seen as gross, taboo and have stigma and that gay men are more openly disgusted by and insulting towards vaginas than lesbians are towards penises. My psychologist, parents and sister said that vaginas aren't seen in that way at all and that gay men are not more disgusted

I read that vaginas are not appreciated as much as large penises, boobs and butts are. My psychologist, parents and sister said they are appreciated as much

I read that men are more attracted to a performance or costume of femininity than they are to actual women, so feminized men and their penises are less of a turn off than a fat woman or unshaven body woman. My psychologist, parents and sister said men would rather any type of woman than a feminine man with a penis

What do you think?

Interesting topic from a community mutual.

Have you ever tried creating a dummy account just so you can talk to someone you like? Well you best bet OP did. 😭 I almost cried reading how Op was caught bc it was sooo cringe but rightfully so, knowing that she was only 15 or 16 when she did that. Also glad that she now know she had been groomed :<

As for me, my first love happened quite late in my life lol 19, and it was nothing embarrassing nor grand, we met in school and are still together now! ^__^ My friends' stories about their first loves are usually always so embarrassing because they met them when they were younger than 18 so i guess there's a pattern here:

embarrassing first love stories = girls who experienced them before turning 18

How about you?

I dont want to do anything, slam my head against the wall, choke me to death, make my consciousness and life disappear. I want to escape from this environment, this life, this circle. I don’t want to exist, i sound like a loser saying this; why cant anyone support me, give me affirmations like dad used to? take my side, persuade me, make me feel like getting up and fight? Why do they have to put me down every time? why are they so negative, my own family? I dont want to be here.

As a feminist, I strongly believe in equal rights for both men and women. Ironically ,however,I am quite happy the manosphere exists exists.

Primarily and inadvertently , the manosphere acts as a megaphone for misogynistic attitudes and mistreatment of women. It puts these toxic beliefs on full display, making it easier for women to spot and steer clear of individuals who subscribe to such harmful ideologies. It's like a neon sign flashing "Warning: Stay Away!" By bringing these issues to the forefront, the manosphere inadvertently helps women navigate the dating world with greater awareness and empowerment.In the past, misogyny often lurked in the shadows, operating in subtle and insidious ways that made it challenging for women to identify and address. However, the emergence of the manosphere has inadvertently flipped the script. Instead of concealing these discriminatory attitudes, the manosphere proudly amplifies and promotes them, broadcasting them for all to see

Also ,the manosphere's mere existence has a way of stirring up discussions about gender equality and feminism. It's like a wake-up call that gets feminists and women's rights advocates fired up to speak out, challenge harmful mindsets, and push for positive change. It's a catalyst that fuels lively conversations and empowers feminists to stand up against regressive attitudes and say, "Not on our watch!" So, in a strange twist, the manosphere unintentionally becomes a trigger for feminist dialogue and a rallying point for those fighting for a fairer and more inclusive society.Similarly the presence of the manosphere serves as a unifying force, bringing together women from diverse backgrounds, races, and cultures in a shared mission for gender equality. It acts as a powerful reminder of the ongoing struggle for women's rights, inspiring feminists and advocates for gender equality to come together, organize, and address the challenges posed by such ideologies. In this way, the manosphere becomes a catalyst for collective action, mobilizing individuals and organizations to work collaboratively towards dismantling systemic barriers and fostering true equality.

In addition to this, ideologies propagated within the manosphere serve as a stark reminder of why we still need widespread education on gender equality and healthy relationships..It encourages parents to play a greater role into monitoring what content is pumped into their kid's minds by being a glaring billboard that declares "Pay attention!" , and reminding us of the crucial role education plays in shaping attitudes

The fact that the manosphere is growing shows that we're making some serious progress in women's rights. Think about it: Some guys out there are actually feeling threatened by women's advancements and empowerment. It's like they can't handle the fact that women are breaking free from traditional roles and taking charge. But you know what? That just goes to show how far we've come. We're challenging the status quo, smashing those old power dynamics, and making real change happen. So, let them feel threatened. It's a sign that we're doing something right and shaking things up. Keep pushing for equality, because we're making waves.

Just like how we condemn Nazism and the horrific and racist practice of owning black slaves, the manosphere will go down in history as a big, fat reminder of how utterly disgusting any form of discriminatory ideology is. It serves as a lesson for future generations, showing them the consequences of spreading hate, misogyny, and prejudice.One day we can look back at the manosphere and reflect on the progress we've made, recognizing the importance of embracing equality, respect, and inclusivity.

To those who whine about the damage,that the manosphere can inflict on "young and impressionable minds.",I say "Well,boo hoo,princess,if you can't teach your kids to do better then you should not be parents!". Cold and heartless,but a completely logical and straightforward truth. . While it's disheartening to witness the spread of harmful ideologies, it's important to remember that individuals ultimately make their own choices. No one is forcefully beating these ideas into anyone's head. We all have the power to critically assess and reject such toxic beliefs.

How do i get boys out of my head? I have a history of crushing hard on guys that don’t think twice about me Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty girl but idk if it’s a subconscious vibe a give or my resting bitch face emphasis on that

So I’m trying to just keep guys out of my mind after all I wasn’t in their mind in the first place 😊

Do most people believe that women like men more than men like women, in a more well rounded way and across the world and throughout history?

This is my interpretation because most people believe that if you took sex with women away, men would prefer men in all other ways

Most believe that men see women as inferior to men

Most believe men only want one thing and that women like men in a more well rounded way

Most believe that men objectify women but women don't do that to men on the same levels

Most believe that women respect men more, treat them better and that women have to accept more about men than men do about women

Most believe that sexism towards men is only a thing as backlash because of sexism towards women

Most believe that women hate each other while also believing that men have stronger friendships

These are all especially what most people believe about women and men in Muslim countries and women and men throughout all of history

So, is my first sentence accurate and would it not raise eyebrows if I said it out loud?

I started to notice ageism online, etc

I asked my parents, sister and psychologist about it and they told me:

That most people don't believe that men prefer younger women when it comes just down to physical beauty and sex

And that most people don't believe that physical beauty is mostly about how much younger you are nor how much younger you look

What do you think? And why does online, etc say differently to those in my life?

The online world, f eminists and what I see in the media put me off men and people in general completely. I don't want to associate with people and I want to be reclusive/avoid people because I cannot accept if most think and accept that men prefer younger and that beauty is about younger and I don't know how women accept that men prefer younger while as they themselves age they stay attracted to men. That's pathetic, unrequited love and finding the needle in the haystack. I won't accept being surrounded by a society where most believe and accept it.

Are vaginas disliked in real life as much as people online say that they are?

I am reclusive and on Reddit I learned that people in general believe that men commonly sexualise and fetishize women who have penises, whereas women and gay men don't commonly sexualise and fetishize men who have vaginas

I learned that people in general believe that oral sex is much more performed on men than performed on women. And that this has nothing to do with men being selfish, since gay men are also male and are not known at all to have issues giving oral to men

I learned that people in general believe that vaginas are seen as gross, taboo and have stigma. Also periods too. And that gay men are more openly disgusted by and insulting towards vaginas than lesbians are towards penises. Also that lesbians commonly watch gay porn and are more open to transgender women who have penises

I learned that people in general believe men are more attracted to a performance or costume of femininity than they are to actual women. So overweight women, non feminine women and women who don't shave are more of a turn off than feminized men who look like women

I learned that vaginas are not appreciated as much as large penises, boobs and butts are. And that men are obsessed with anal and eating ass

That sex is seen to be all about the penis, so lesbian sex has it's validity questioned whereas anal (like between gay men) doesn't, so vaginas are less valued. Also that bisexual people often prefer penises

I learned that femdom is mostly about penis imitation in the form of strap ons and pegging

When I asked my parents, sister and psychologist about these things they said the vast majority of men have no interest in transgender women pre op nor post op, that oral sex is pretty much 50/50 between women and men, that vaginas and periods are not seen as gross/taboo, that men are not more attracted to femininity than they are to women and that vaginas are appreciated as much as the others, etc. Basically they said nothing that I read online and wrote above is true for the vast majority of people

So, why does everyone online say vaginas are pretty much disliked and unappreciated, in general? These beliefs come up often and are part of f eminist discourse

Also people on Reddit often ask why I care so much & how it effects me. Why do they ask that? Of course I care what I am surrounded by in society, everytime I leave the house. Humans are social creatures. Are most women fine with having to find the needle in the haystack? And not put off by this? I always wanted to ask how the feminist women who believe these things (like that vaginas are seen as gross in society) still feel sexual and still want sex with men, since most of them can often be sex positive too. If men don't even appreciate vaginas, then what's left? That's surely the bare minimum to expect, and not asking too much of them.