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197

Failing an Interview with Athena. Big time.

  • Be DM to 4 first-timers. Level 2. Explain that campaign uses Greek, Egyptian, and Norse mythology
  • About to finish first major arc with a dream sequence of combat + roleplay as trial
  • Combat vs small aberrations and roleplay of Athena judging your strategy & character.
  • Party is halfway through combat but session ended too early.
  • Plan solo sessions for each player due to scheduling conflicts. Improvising "dream branches" with solo interviews.
  • 3 out of 4 pass both the combat and the interview, recognizing Athena from description alone and having decent conversation with her. Waking up individually with a small blessing (Inspiration).
  • Passers become level 3 and learned aberration lore crumb. Athena warns to be vigilant and smart.
  • 2nd passer accidentally spoiled the Athena reveal while typing the recap in the GC. Sad but oh well.
  • Last one left, Divine Soul Sorcerer, Female Feral Winged Tiefling.
  • 2 of the passers that were available can only spectate. Tiefling finishes combat with no problem.
  • Tiefling is usually levelheaded during rp and has proficiency in Religion so it should be fine, right?
  • Athena shows up, described as a tall lady in full Greek attire with weapons and an owl. As scripted.
  • Player doesn't recognize her. Didn't roll for Religion, didn't ask me for help, didn't read the recap.
  • Was about to ask player to roll Religion, but Player jumped the gun and started badmouthing.
  • Shamelessly disrespected and harassed Athena. Spectators are laughing their asses off.
  • Eventually one spectator (3rd passer) started to metagame, telling player that she's Athena.
  • Despite the metagame move, I didn't stop them in the hopes that this can be smoothly amended. Didn't stop the Tiefling either apparently.
  • Tries to con and seduce to "override the disrespect". Fails. Spectators are laughing their asses off, part 2.
  • Classic case of hubris. We all know where this goes when in Ancient Greek mythology.
  • Tiefling: "Uhhh... Can we rewind that whole scene and try again?"
  • Me/DM: "No. Time for you to learn a core aspect of D&D: This ain't a video game with save points."
  • Athena smacks her spear on the ground and rolls 31 (19 + 12 modifier) to hit Tiefling with sudden Force Damage = Max HP - 1.
  • Tiefling is on the ground, with 1 HP left. Spectators are laughing their asses off, part 3.
  • Athena looms over, expecting apology and humility. Giving a chance to redeem on behalf of passing the combat portion of the test.
  • Tiefling: "Can I roll d100 to say something sincere? If I get above a 45, I win."
  • Me/DM: "why roll for it? Are you being sincere or no-!"
  • Tiefling rolls anyway, gets 21. Spectators are laughing their asses off, part 4.
  • Tiefling doubled-down, saying Athena is old and ancient, so she should learn about the modern politics like democracy and equality.
  • Spectators are laughing their asses off, part 5. One of them explaining that Athena was the mythological inventor of Athenian Democracy (see the Oresteia play). That's as modern as it gets in the campaign setting.
  • "Do not cite the Deep Magic to me, Witch. I was there when it was written."
  • Athena gives up and swings her giant shield at Tiefling's face, the full front side of the shield. Spectators are laughing their asses off, part 6.
  • Tiefling wakes up with full health and at level 3... But without approval, blessing, aberration lore, or even a warning. Just a major headache and a forehead bump.
  • Session ends. Spectators are laughing their asses off, the finale. They eventually forgot to share the lore dump to the Tiefling and instead said that "Athena was being nice if she didn't punish you".
  • Oh and did I mention that the metagaming spectator was a Paladin of Norse god Njord, not Greek goddess Athena?
15 Comments
2024/04/13
11:35 UTC

205

The Worst Bear Hunt in History

>Be Me, Cleatus (Owlin Warlock)
>Be not me, Zander (Human Rogue), Alabaster (Tiefling Bard), Yuri (Human Fighter), Marbles (Grung wild Mage, and also adorable senile frog granny) and obvs DM
>need to track goblin tribe that is moving into Lord Halgen's territory
>Lord Halgen is a bumbling old man that hired us to hunt a bear, and therefore, he doesn't like us leaving his hunting party,
>We need a distraction
>Cleatus "Hey, i can use Mask of a thousand faces to turn into a bear"
>DM "Sorry, you can't turn into a Large-size animal with Disguise Self... but, but but, there's a possibility... if you so desire"
>Sun Bear
>Whole point is that, being the Sun Bear so similar to a person doing a shit job at impersonating a bear, it's actually possible to cast this with Disguise Self- and therefore with Mask of a Thousand Faces too
>Cleatus MOON PRISM POWER MAKE UP into this lazy excuse for a bear and makes a really disinterested roar to garner the attention of the hunting party
>Lord Halgen points the lance and screams "THERE THE FOUL CUR CRIES"
>arrows start raining in Cleatus' ass as he realizes he didn't think this through
>Scooby Doo fleeing between the woods ensues
>Rest of the Party starts tracking the goblin tribe
>Cleatus is still running through the forest
>goblin tracks lead to an empty camp, the tribe is surely somewhere else
>Zander mutters "Let's head back and try to find the others"
>DM "The hunting party has traveled quite a distance while following the Sun Bear. Make a Survival check."
>Zander succeeds, Alabaster succeeds, yuri succeeds
>Marbles rolls a critical failure and... basically does not move.
>DM "All those who succeded your survival check- make a perception check."
>Three failures
>Zander, Yuri and Alabaster do not notice the absence of Marbles and McAllister their way to the hunting party
>Meanwhile, the hunting party has followed Cleatus into a small opening, but the place rapidly fills with magical fog
>goblin ambush
>Cleatus smells trouble but does not drop the disguise, basically flying around and making the bear even less believable than before
>Lord Halgen screams like a madman "I TOLD YOU THAT BEAST HAD WINGS!"
>Some servants look up with mouths agape, others angrily pay up bets to a single smiling soldier
>in all of this, the goblins are encroaching the hunting party
>Zander rushes in "Cleatus, the goblins are not at the camp, it's an ambush!"
>Cleatus "I kinda noticed!" then, a second later "Wait, dude, where's Marbles?"
>"Oh crap baskets"
>Live reaction of Cleatus
> Meanwhile, Marbles tries her hand at signaling her presence
> "I shall use Dancing Lights!"
>Inb4 Tides of Chaos activates, and she accidentally fireballs the immediate surroundings
>She is still alive, but the bushes are on fire and Grungs need to stay hydrated to survive
>Marbles Live Reaction
>Luckily, the smoke pillar makes it easy to spot Marbles- Cleatus swoops in and rescues the frog granny
> "Let's head back and save Lord Halgen"
> Lord Halgen is currently being Shish Kebabbed by goblins
> goblin shaman trapped Yuri, Zander and Alabaster in vines
> whole hunting party has broken ranks and is dispersing in the woods
>Cleatus live reaction at the sight of this whole COMMFU
>nontheless, we power on
>Cleatus spends all of his Healing Lights and Cure wound spells in order to help his friends
>Not on our last legs, but we are damn close
>at a certain point DM smiles and adds "Everybody, please, make a Percpetion Check. Cleatus, you have dropped your disguise at this point, right?"
> "No, i am still looking like a Sun Bear."
>"Oh. That is... unfortunate"
>Guess who comes to join the chaos after hearing all of the commotion
>Guess fucking who
>THE BEAR
>And this is no Sun Bear, this is an honest-to-god Mor'du motherfucker, with scars across his back, arrows and swords stiking from his sides, drooling at the mouth for the smoke and looking around for something to brutalize
>He focuses on the puny sun bear handing out heals
> Cleatus' face when
> Mor'du starts turning down for what on Cleatus' ass and party intervenes
> 20 rounds, 8 death saves and two dead servants later, Cleatus is rescued with a health potion
> Lord Halgen has risked his life
> the goblins have fled with many dead on their side
> the whole party doesn't make 10 HP total
> the Bear is Vanquished
> Cleatus gets helped by his friends to stand and says

> "Yuri, for the love of all that is good and just in these lands, next time i say i will turn into a bear, sock me in the beak at Mach 9."

12 Comments
2024/04/12
10:15 UTC

170

Manticores are weak to Pile drivers

So , let’s set the scene a bit : There’s me , a goblin Runic warrior, our party Druid , the Bard, the Ranger and the Rogue ; We had entered a cave because we saw a trail of gold that lead to it’s interior , after getting 30ft in my DM asks me do a Perception check and I roll a 15 , I succeed and see a big lion like monster with skin made of rock . Obviously we start the fight and the “thing” pounces on the Druid and starts flying away , i obviously start running after it and use my bonus action to become Large , somehow the manticore dosen’t seem to be too bothered by it and we start flying in air , the rest of the part just stands there because we are out of range for both spells and attacks . As soon as we reach 100ish ft in the air the manticore lets the Druid go and it starts falling to the ground , luckily being a Druid he just transforms into a squirrel and is complete fine , I, on the other hand have no way to survive the fall so I take the only logical action and use my arms to clip it’s wings and we both start falling to the ground as we fall it starts to try and break free but luckily I manage to restrain it decide to commit , so I take my phone , I out John Cena’s ost at max volume and Pile drive it to the ground , we both become a mangled mess on the ground and die a horrible death.

So TL/DR , Manticores are weak to pile drivers from 100 ft in the air

6 Comments
2024/04/11
08:28 UTC

597

First character death, at level 2

Be me

New group, fun bunch

Female White dragonborn sage sorcerer

Play my flute for gold

3rd session in we find a FULL ON BEHOLDER

2 rounds in it attacks me

Am stone.jpg

Half ork barbarian turn

Picks me up

Wut?

Uses me AS A FUCKEN IMPROVISED WEAPON

I SHATTER

WHYYYYY.

I am now a Male Black Tabaxi bard.

Edit. I have came to realize that my DM is kinda mean and horrible. Might have a grudge towards me.

41 Comments
2024/03/29
06:29 UTC

9

Tale of the Purple Orc

3 Comments
2024/03/20
04:37 UTC

179

The Tale of Magebeard the Pirate

>Be me, Magebeard the pirate. Human Spellslinger wizard with a wizard hook.

>Be not me, Human Swashbucker (Silverbeard), Half-orc Privateer archetype Warlord (Greenbeard), Dwarf Siege mage (Engie) and Aasimar cleric (Holybeard).

>Be pirate crew on the hunt for booty with our vessel, "The Bloody Hangman"

>Plunder booty with the crew, gather riches as we go.

>Engie begins making constructs, creating robot pirates to add to our crew.

>Plunder a midnight black pearl from an ancient tomb

>Gain more ships, I stick with the Bloody Hangman.

>Soon become notorious pirate band as campaign continues

>Get privateering job for the crown, slimy blueblooded nobleman wants us to aid in plundering an enemy trade fleet.

>Ready for battle

>Approach enemy fleet and open up with a quickened fireball and meteor storm

>The bastard betrays us and shoots some of our ships

>Use spells to defend our vessels and fire back at the traitor.

>"Ye lily-livered spineless coward!"

>Enemy fleet be part of their main armada, not a light trade fleet.

>Tell me party to escape so they can get vengeance later, I'll hold them off.

>Party escapes with one ship, "The Dead Hand", behind a thick mist Engie makes

>Fight on against the enemy fleet.

>Lose the all of our fleet, except my ship, but inflict heavy casualties on the enemy navy.

>DM grants me inspiration and refills all spell slots for heroic last stand. 1 v 5 ships

>Through usage of quickened spells for defense and regular heavy hitting spells sink them all as my ship slowly starts to descend to the depths below

>In my final moments within the captain's room, see the pearl

>Turn it into a phylactery and cast (delayed metamagic) salvage on my ship

>Die in me captain's chair.

>Be reborn as a Lich with one mission in mind, Send that spineless nobleman to Davey Jones' locker with me.

>The Bloody Hangman rises again.

>Raise the other ships and amass army of undead crewmates

>Tail the party and cast salvage and raise dead on the ships they sink.

>Former Party finds said nobleman was promoted and made Admiral for his 'victory' over the enemy navy and our pirate band.

>Former party, now with a newly upgraded fleet and some artifacts set off to attack Admiral Blueblood and his patrolling navy.

>Decide to join in the fun and lurk around the battlefield with a thick fog masking my fleet.

>Spot the traitorous blueblood with me spyglass.

>"YAR HAR HAR! Lower the sails, hoist the anchors, we've got a traitor to gut!"

>Move in with the fog masking our numbers.

>Get the crew to sing as best they can to the tune of 'Drunken Sailor'

>"What do we do with a dirty traitor?"

>"What do we do with a dirty traitor?"

>"What do we do with a dirty traitor, Throw him over board!"

>Fire almost all cannons at the Royals

>Sink a couple dozen ships from the sheer volume of cannonballs launched.

>Lock eyes with the Scurvy Blueblooded traitor.

>"Avast ye scurvy dog! Ye thought you saw the last of me!? Nay, now I'm back to send ye to Davey Jones' locker with me!"

>Party recognizes me and orders their ships to ignore my armada and focus on sinking the Royal navy.

>Battle ensues with all of us slaughtering the royal navy.

>Engie bonds with his ship, a ship with only one MASSIVE Bombard, tis a thing of beauty.

>Engie launches grapeshot barrage the size of a minivan that shreds several ships in its blast while rocking his boat violently.

>Silverbeard and I board the Admirals ship and begin fighting his horrified crew.

>Holybeard and Greenbeard swing aboard catching the Admiral's first mate off guard, killing him with their initial attack

>Engie shoots himself out of his bombard, piercing the admirals sails and lands beside me.

>Continue to clear the ship, with the party.

>Engie loses his hand to a critical hit from that cowardly blueblood.

>Cauterize the wound and have Holybeard heal him.

>Corner the Admiral.

>Blast him with a Maximized Hellfire Ray from my bonded pistol

>Spend my last stored dice roll from an artifact to threaten a critical with this shot

>Confirm it with my Pendant of the blood scarab.

>270 Damage instantly sends him straight to hell Davy Jones' Locker.

>Rest of his Navy soon sinks

>My navy soon sinks, moving on to the afterlife

>Feel tug on my soul, stay in body if but for a little longer

>Look Greenbeard and Holybeard in the eyes, "Aye, I still owe ye that round of ale, How's about I repay that old debt before movin' on to Davey Jones' Locker, eh?"

>Greenbeard: "Aye, That would be nice old friend."

>Have one last drink with me old crew.

>Give Engie my wizard hook, "Take good care of her matey, she'll serve ye well if ye treat 'er well"

>They send me off Viking style so I may torment the blueblood in the afterlife.

9 Comments
2024/03/18
20:52 UTC

1,862

Gnome spends months building a literal nuke to fight "communism"

>Be me, DMing for some new friends I've met in college

>Be not me, two newbies, two people who have played before. Relatively non-serious campaign.

>Players are half-orc totem barb, teifling champion fighter, fire genasi moon druid and a gnome forge cleric

>Only one that really matters is the forge cleric

>The player is probably the most experienced out of the four, chose a cleric to play support for the other three

>Big meta-gamer but uses it for good, running some build that put him at 22 AC and would spend every combat casting spirit gaurdians/spiritual weapon then walking around healing allies (or just taking the dodge action). Breezed through several of my "hard" encounters

>This would have been really annoying as a DM if the roleplay wasn't so funny

>The gnome's origin is that he was transported to cold war era United States via magical fuckery

>Gnome now worships the Military Industrial Complex as its god, hates communism, and regularly gets visions of the "true path" which is essentially paranoid delusions telling it to build complex modern weapon systems

>player tries to build tanks and F-16s multiple times, I don't let him for obvious reasons

>He's good natured and laughs it off as a joke, playing into his gnome's weirdness

>Nothing bad will ever come of this, I think to myself

>Anyways, early on in campaign, party defeats local lord and their evil army

>As a reward, players get said lord's castle. Cue redesign montage, with everyone rp-ing how they set up their new room

>Tree in the druid's room, fancy tapestry in the teifling's room, etc.

>Gnome sets up a laboratory in his room, claims to get a "revalation" from his good

>Asks if he can use his racial trait to build a small device that crushes things down like a trash compactor

>I figure yeah sure, it's not technically included in the ability definition but the request is harmless enough

>Adventuring continues, party slay a troll

>"Hey DM, can I make a tinkerer's tools check to make my crushing machine slightly larger"

>Player hasn't been exploiting things too badly so far so I let him

>He rolls an 18

>"Ok, your device can now fit a one by one foot cube"

>This continues for the rest of the campaign. Every time the party returns to their castle, gnome makes his crushing machine (now referred to as "the device") slightly larger, more forceful, etc.

>I let this continue because it's not hurting anybody's fun, and tbh I got curious after a while of what the payoff was

>By level thirteen the device can fit a five by five foot cube, and instantly crush it down to a two by two foot cube.

>I know this because player made sure to get exact specifics beforehand

>At the same time, Drow uprising in the underdark threatens the aboveground world

>World-build the drow as a hive mind controlled by lolth

>Gnome interprets this as communism, and gleefuly kills "those commie bastards" every time the party encounters drow

>After a session of poor decisions and a few bad rolls, Big Bad Evil Girl drow hive queen and her army reach the surface

>They begin hunting the party, who retreat to their castle as a defensive position and start gathering up freindly NPCs for a final showdown

>Gnome player: "I've got a plan"

>Following the vague directions of the gnome, party lures the entire drow army into surrounding their base.

>"Ok Anon, you're surrounded for miles by a drow army, commanded by the hive queen. What is your plan"

>Gnome player has the biggest shit eating grin

>"I cast creation inside my crushing device"

>"What do you make?"

>"A five by foot cube of weapons grade uranium"

>By this point my limited understanding of physics kicks in. Teifling player is laughing their ass off, the other two don't get it yet.

>Basically, when you force uranium to get super dense by crushing it down, the atoms bump into each other and split. This splitting releases energy that causes other atoms to split, and the chain reaction this creates results in an explosion

>MFW one of my player has spent the entire campaign slow rolling me into letting him build a nuclear bomb

>We do the math and it checks out (at least, good enough for a DND table)

>After a couple minutes of sitting with my head in my hands I let him do it, ruling that weapons grade uranium is a precious metal

>Only downside is that gnome forgot to put a timer on his bomb

>Cue tearful goodbyes as the rest of the party transport-via-plants tf away, leaving the gnome cleric to finish his work

>Any last words?

>Gnome takes a look out into the hiveminded hoards of drow surrounding the castle

>"The only good commie is a dead commie"

>Device crushes uranium down into tiny, supercritical cube

>Everything within fifty miles is obliterated in atomic fire

>Including any hopes I had of a climactic showdown

>Everyone else spends the rest of the session giving tearful eulogies of the gnome cleric as a mushroom cloud rises up in the background

>Player in question re-rolls, and the campaign goes all the way to level twenty

>Nothing ever tops that moment

TL;DR one of my players spent IRL months convincing me to let him build a nuclear bomb instead of taking his character seriously, and it was one of the most fun sessions I've ever played.

At least creation was useful for once.

51 Comments
2024/03/18
02:47 UTC

3

Low Wage Multiverse City Adventuring Pt1 - Intro

Be me, GM

Decide to run a multiverse shenanigan type game with OVA: The Anime Roleplaying Game 2e (you can make any char with it with relative ease)

Gather a party via Discord, text based campaign

Be not me, the players

Shadow, aka can control shadows, chill dude who sometimes does pranks, had crappy love life and is slightly scared of fire on that account

Moth Mage, some guy a Godess yanked from a world, turned into an OP Moth Girl Mage, and put into a random non-isekai world

Violinist, a teen girl who also got isekai'd and got necromantic violin powers. Has a ghost butler.

Casper, an emo ghost with a gun

So our story starts in the Grand Order Empire's capitol city

It used to be a great empire who allied with Dwarves, waged war against the invading Orcs, and were victorious

The destruction wrought upon by the War was devastating though, which caused an eldritch Company by the name of ShadiCo. to offer their services

Long story short, now it's a landscape of factories, neon skyscrappers mixed with old towers and castles and stone brick houses alongside red brick apartment complexes

Also sad and old humans, orcs, and dwarves playing dominos on rusty anvils

And then there are our main 4, sitting at a table in a medium sized apartment, drinking their morning drinks of choice and looking through newspapers to find a new way to pay their rent

Shadow accidentally takes a sip of orange juice belonging to Violinist, before quickly apologising and gulping down his energy drink

Casper spooks Violinist afterwards, prompting her to summon a ghost and smack Casper with a pan

While Casper reacts and giggling is heard, Moth spots that the Security requires extra hands for the upcoming Festival

This Festival being ShadiMusi 2097, and being hosted after being announced yesterday after tomorow

Casper's phone then vibrates

Knock knock rent go up

Everyone groans

Violinist then spots a weird all ink square in the newspaler

As she looks at it, it starts to morph, words appearing

"Exorcist Wanted at 13th Residence of the 23rd Bastion Street, reward 700 in Gold"

She excitedly shows it to the rest after finding it

Everyone is confused, one at why they cannot see it and the others why she can see it

In any case, everyone decides to do all the jobs, and prepare for a day of work after finishing their drinks

And so it all starts

0 Comments
2024/03/16
20:41 UTC

62

The paladin elimitated an important NPC and the monk makes the children burn

- Be me just starting a new campain of a homebrew version of DnD.

- First mission of the campain is to rescue a group of children.

- We reach the place and we battle the kidnappers.

- Once all of them were defeated a clown that can divide his body show up from behind the carriage that the kids were.

- We defeat it and the paladin makes a killing blow but that would not affect the clown because of his powers but anyways he trows the d100.

- 99.

- The body of the clown is eliminated from existence and the only thing left of him is his hand.

- The Dm is shocked because that NPC was meant to make the group met a healer that was important for the story.

- In that moment the monk got close to the kids and start professing about the god of love.

- Important fact all demons are predeterming to follow the god of fire and also all the kids in that carriage were demons.

- The god of wrath got angry and make the kids suffer from spontaneous combustion.

- The kids at the end survive and we complete the mission.

8 Comments
2024/03/16
19:11 UTC

1,463

Fixed and went into a more "Honest" rewritting of Clowno the Bozo's first encounter

24 Comments
2024/03/16
01:48 UTC

115

"Throw me" (Star Wars 5e)

Be me, level 7 Jedi Sentinel Twi'lek

In Clone Wars Era, currently between missions

Get a holo-call from Plo Koon

Learn that General Grievous has trapped him and several other Jedi on Duro (junkyard planet) and is hunting them down

ohno.jpg

Immediately jump in my ship to go on a rescue mission because Plo Koon is my ride or die

Be joined by a crack-addicted thief, Medic from TF2 if he was a medical droid, and a furry himbo Berserker named "Leo"

As you can see, we're well equipped to deal with this situation

Arrive on Duro and start scouting the area

Grievous has an entire fucking army with him

I can already imagine the action economy

Give the crack-addict all the grenades I've gathered throughout the campaign

More than 40 of them

He finds the ruins of a destroyed Capital Ship and creates a ton of improvised mines

Hell yeah, we've got our traps set up, we have our battlefield chosen, but now we need to get Grievous over here without him bombing us from orbit...

Idea.jpg

Send out a planet-wide Holo-message

Call Grievous hurtful names

It doesn't work

Show off my limited edition deluxe Lightsaber with a White Lightsaber Crystal

Robo-boner.png

Before I can even finish the message, Grievous starts to rush over with his troops

Our traps go off

Immediately start shit-talking because most of Grievous's army went up in flames

Don't see Grievous once the smoke clears

Turn around

The motherfucker palms my head like a basketball

He slams my skull into the ground

Brain Damage

Get up because the Jedi didn't raise no quitter

Get really lucky and start beating Grievous's metallic ass

Meanwhile, the rest of the party fights against Grievous's surviving troops

Suddenly, the floor tilts

The grenade traps messed up the structural support of the ship

It's gonna collapse

ohfuck.jpg

Out of nowhere, the ship's Plasma Thrusters activate, halting the collapse

Our medical droid hacked into them

Coincidentally, I'm fighting Grievous directly above the Plasma Thrusters

He grapples me again

I have awful luck and fail all of my rolls to escape

He dips me into the Thrusters

~50 damage

My legs fucking disintegrate

IUsedToBeJustLikeYou.img

The bastard steals my Lightsaber and runs off because the rest of the party is on their way

I immediately steal it back with my reaction (Equilibrium fighting mastery)

He hops onto a conveniently placed Vulture Droid and begins to fly off

Medic Droid arrives, starts some basic first aid, then casts SW5E's version of Death Ward just in case

"Dang, it looks like Grievous is getting away..."

I turn towards Leo

"Throw me"

wut.png

"I said Throw me"

He throws me

God bless his soul (and his 21 STR score)

Land on the Vulture Droid just as it flies past us

Grievous literally cannot believe his eyes

Make three attacks with my Lightsaber, dealing just enough damage to disable the flight capabilities of the Vulture Droid

We crash

I get downed, Grievous loses all of his remaining limbs in the crash

Death Ward activates

I crawl towards Grievous and beat the jackass into unconsciousness

Mission successful

We ended up salvaging a defeated MagnaGuard and slapped its legs onto my stumps

All the homies are now jealous of my sick new robo-legs

5 Comments
2024/03/16
01:04 UTC

181

How a sorcerer killed himself by attempting shoplifting

Be me, blood hunter/ranger

Be not me: DM, sorcerer, wizard/fighter/artificer (hereafter WAF), ranger (also bard, player absent for this session)

We go into a magic item shop.

WAF buys a Cloak of Protection, asks the shopkeep if the colour can be changed to match his existing outfit.

Shopkeep says yes, taking the Cloak off the rack and dispelling something on it.

While WAF and shopkeep have been having this exchange, the sorcerer announced that he wanted to try and pocket the most valuable thing he could see. DM has him make a Sleight of Hand check, and he succeeds.

Sorcerer manages to swipe a ring from the shelf into his pocket. Only then does the DM announce what the item is - A Ring of Three Wishes, for sale at 250,000 gold pieces.

We don't have that much money.

We don't even have HALF that much money, and would probably have to sell all our stuff to even raise half of THAT.

As the sorcerer sees the conclusion of the shopkeep and the WAF's exchange, he realises, with an Arcana check, that the contents of the shop are probably magically protected against theft.

While the shopkeep is in the back, altering the Cloak, the sorcerer and WAF try to come up with a plan for how to get the Ring out of the shop. I and the ranger don't contribute, we want nothing to do with whatever can of whoopass they are going to open.

The WAf eventually just casts Dispel Magic on the ring, and successfully dispels the anti-shoplifting spell.

DM now presumably (we play online without cameras) has a massive grin on his face, as doing this, while not being the shopkeeper, also triggers the security. And since the response is determined by the value of the item(s) involved in the attempted theft, and since the Ring is worth 250,000 gold, it's going to be BAD.

I and ranger immediately flatten ourselves against the walls in character, and start laughing out of character, as multiple castings of Magic Missile, Fireball, Cone of Cold and Sleep go off, targeting the sorcerer and WAF. The WAF survives all the cumulative damage, but is knocked out by the Sleep for obvious reasons. The sorcerer, however, did not survive, and starts dying, but the DM doesn't have him start rolling death saves yet.

At this point, the shopkeep returns from the back. He sees me and the ranger, sees from our positions that we had nothing to do with this, and asks us to leave the thieves where they are for the guards, who are also on their way. Ranger leaves immediately, I buy a set of Horseshoes of a Zephyr, then leave. DM now has the sorcerer start rolling death saves.

WAF wakes up, and manages to persuade the shopkeeper that he was an unwitting accomplice, and is allowed to leave. He asks the DM if he can attempt to stabilise the sorcerer. DM says he can try, but he may not be fast enough - the sorcerer is on his last save, having made two successes and two failures.

Sorcerer rolls. It's a natural 1.

Goodbye, sorcerer. He died as he lived - in the middle of absolute chaos, instigated by his own actions.

9 Comments
2024/03/15
23:19 UTC

34

Gezelteb Meets the Devil

> Be me, forever GM.

> Be not me, Gezelteb, King of Sticks, the party’s self-appointed leader.

> In the past, Gezelteb was a regular human cartographer who had run afoul of a vengeful forest goddess and was transformed into a megalomaniacal wild magic sorcerer with numerous sticks protruding from underneath his skin.

> Gezelteb’s ultimate goal is to establish his kingdom of Gezeltebia, a goal which he will have achieved by the end of the campaign.

> He’s assembled the most gullible psychopaths in the area to serve as his underlings while he tries to claim everything that he is owed (in his estimation, everything in existence).

> Be not me, Sabbit Glass, a man of the mountains and Gezelteb’s number one sycophant. Sabbit has an obsession with sand and glass-blowing.

> Be also not me, Brawntos Ouros, the party’s dragonborn paladin who, though meek, has justice in his heart. He only associates with Gezelteb in the hopes of reining in the sorcerer’s more destructive impulses.

> Gezelteb receives an unmarked letter inviting him to lunch at the fanciest establishment in the kingdom’s capital. He happily accepts, bringing Sabbit and Brawntos along with him.

> Upon arriving at the restaurant, he is approached by a gaunt human with dark, slicked-back hair and a Lenin-stache. The man introduces himself as Iscariot, an “investor” of sorts.

> Iscariot claims to want to invest in Gezeltebia so that he might reap its rewards later on. To this end, he encourages Gezelteb to seek out a source of funding.

> Gezelteb recalls an artifact which the party had recovered for the church in the previous session: a magical ring containing the disembodied soul of a legendary hero.

> Gezelteb realizes that this ring would probably be worth a fortune to the right bidder.

> Brawntos can see the gears spinning in Gezelteb’s head, and tries to dissuade him from robbing the church.

> Gezelteb recalls that they had recovered the ring from a dwarven merchant, and jumps to the conclusion that the dwarven kingdom of Nidvein must be after the ring for some reason.

> He declares his intent to steal the ring, and use it to barter with the dwarven kingdom.

> Brawntos gets up from his seat and tries to stop him, but Gezelteb and Sabbit are closer to the door, and sprint out to the streets.

> Though Gezelteb and Sabbit have a head start, Brawntos is far more athletic than either of them (even accounting for the heavy armor he wears), and closes the distance as they race across the city, towards the cathedral of the sun god.

> Brawntos manages to tackle Sabbit, but Gezelteb darts into the cathedral before Brawntos can get there.

> Gezelteb casts Hypnotic Pattern to distract the priests, and grabs the magical ring before slipping out the back.

> Brawntos arrives as the priests are beginning to recover from their stupor. He leaves to go chase down Gezelteb further.

> Meanwhile, Gezelteb and Sabbit (who slipped away from Brawntos’s grasp) have regrouped at the capital’s finest hotel, where they had confronted the dwarven merchant just days prior.

> Sabbit had laid a grease trap at that time in case the merchant tried to escape, but it ended up going untriggered until now, when Sabbit accidentally triggers it in his haste.

> The stairs become absolutely layered in grease as Gezelteb and Sabbit try to climb them.

> The dwarven merchant, Thaddeus, wakes up from a long slumber to the sound of furious knocking at his door.

> He still has a splitting headache from earlier this week, when he was attacked by some crazed bandits and robbed of a gorgeous ring which he had legally purchased from an auction.

> He stumbles over to the door and opens it to find two of the men who attacked him, drenched in sweat and grease.

> Gezelteb screams (as his player did irl), “I SEEK AN ALLIANCE WITH THE DWARVEN KINGDOM! I AM AN ENEMY OF THE CHURCH!”

> mfw Thaddeus isn’t even from Nidvein, he just wanted a nice gift for his fiancée

https://preview.redd.it/ubtlg7e36koc1.jpg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1d239c18feebbc05823395a320f1753b48c9dc56

2 Comments
2024/03/15
20:33 UTC

87

Re-opening and next steps.

Hello, all.

For months, we have been trying to work with the admins regarding issues about moderation arising from their decision to kill a number of third-party apps. The admins promised to "work with the existing mod team," but what that really meant was "ghost the mod team despite repeated follow-ups, refuse to answer any questions, and issue threats without any dialogue whatsoever."

Because of this, we have little reason to believe the admins actually plan to work with anyone, and we're going to have to figure out solutions ourselves.

What this means: we are going to try to figure out a course of action in the near future for how to solve issues arising from the loss of certain tools.

In the meantime, submissions are re-open. Feel free to share your game stories.

However, please note that for the time being, rules will be under enhanced enforcement, especially rule #5. This is a place intended for people to have fun and lighthearted discussions about a topic they enjoy. Don't be a jerk.

We are going to continue to try to have a dialogue with the admins about our concerns, and we'll keep you updated with anything that changes moving forward. If you have any suggestions, please reach out and message the mods. Thanks!

23 Comments
2024/03/15
17:49 UTC

567

Thanks and goodbye

Hey everyone. I know that not a lot of folks care, but it's been a real privilege to be a mod here for so many years. As of today, I'll be stepping down as a mod for personal reasons and for how Reddit has treated us. There will be a call for additional mods relatively soon, though I don't know when. Keep your eyes peeled.

For those wondering what the current status of everything is, we asked Reddit for a meeting 16 days ago. We have not received a response, nor have we received any other communication. We do not anticipate changing course until we hear from them.

Thanks to everyone who helped give such a warm welcome to r/TranscribersOfReddit as we were getting started six years ago. We were always so happy to claim DnDGreentext as our first home, and you treated us so well. This is where it all began.

Thanks to everyone who has submitted such great material over the years and thanks to everybody who's just here to vote, comment, report spam, or just lurk. When I joined there were maybe 30k people here? Now at 356k, that seems like forever ago.

Maybe we'll be lucky enough to share a table sometime in the future. In the meantime, cheers to you all and may you have many wonderful stories of your own. I wish you nat 20s galore and all the loot you can dream of.

So long and thanks for all the fish!

27 Comments
2023/07/10
21:15 UTC

52

They Never Stood a Chance[Elder Scrolls]

Be me: Zoahar, Cathay Khajiit

Be not me: DM; Daro'Fayna, Suthay-Raht Khajiit; Shahree, Saxhleel; Dar-Jee, Saxhleel;

On the road to our next job...

Rolling along we find tracks leading back the way we came... as we go the destruction becomes more commonplace.

We find a fallen tree blocking our route...

Zoahar dismounts from the cart and walks up to the tree... he goes to lift one end and it's not that heavy.

He pulls it vertical and yeets it caber style off the road, we continue on molested... the one daedra that would bug us being conveniently squished.

We make camp... DM calls for Perception and only Shahree succeeds.

A Daedroth is just leisurely wandering into camp...

"Hey boys! Meats on the menu tonight." - Shahree says pointing it out.

Initiative - Daedroth, Shahree, Fayna, Zoahar, Dar

It charges Dar and noms on him! It's thrashing reduces him to 0HP in one round.

Shahree unleashes lightning onto the beast trying to take the great threat down.

Zoahar's turn. He runs up and give it a slash... minimal damage. So time for a Power Attack! That one looks like it hurts.

Dar stabilizes.

The Daedroth goes to bite Zoahar and is bapped away, then a claw swipe and Zoahar just takes it... then it breaths fire! and Zoahar forces it's head away but it scorches Fayna!

Shahree's turn and she reposition behind it and turns up the voltage on it! It's defeated.

We wake Dar and get to work healing all the damage it caused...

Dar takes first watch and it goes uneventfully

Fayna has second watch... uneventful

Zoahar takes a watch and all goes well.

We've got our rest.

We get rolling again...

We roll up to a neat stack of trees...

Perception checks.

Dar notices Dremora are chilling around the pile.

Shahree casts a shock wall at them...

They shrug it off entirely.

She tries cold wall...

They reflect this one.

"These guys look like they'll put up more of a fight." - Shahree.

INITIATIVE! - Shahree, Fayna, Zoahar, Daedra, Dar

Shahree throws poison balls at them... it hits and does something but not much.

Fayna's turn and she plinks a few arrows off their armor.

Zoahar fires his arbalest and impacts a shield... he advances against them.

They draw bows and fire on Shahree.

The first shot bounces off her ward...

They instead target Zoahar.

He parries their arrows and they begin to regret their decisions...

Dar's turn! His arrows bounce off their armor...

Shahree's turn and there's more magic to hit them with.

One shots reflected, good thing she's immune to poison, and another hits the Daedra.

Fayna dropped one with a good hit!

Zoahar closes the distance and rips into one.

Their turn! Zoahar counters a mace strike and disorients them enough the second misses. The other in melee misses against the giant cat and then gets their next strike parried.

The third guy takes aim and volleys arrows at Zoahar. The second shot manages to scratch him.

Dar steps up and brings his battleaxe down on one in melee with Zoahar... it blocks.

Shahree's turn! She breaks one's mind for a bit causing uncontrolled vomitting... she tries that again on another and it bounces right back onto her. She makes her save with no margin for error.

Fayna opens fire! Nailing one with her crossbow.

Zoahar's turn! Puking is helpless, helpless means Coup de Gras. He's not recovering from that.

The melee Daedra takes a swing at Zoahar procing an attack from Dar... doesn't pierce the armor

Zoahar counter-attacks putting the second melee Daedra down

The last Daedra takes aim at Shahree... and it bounces off her Ward.

Dar's turn. He breaks out the warhammer and goes to hammer the last Daedra. One hit then another connects... doesn't quite put him down.

Shahree ends the fight with a blast of poison.

As we survey the scene we see the lake we were venturing to... and an open gate into Oblivion.

Session called, midnight

Previous Session

0 Comments
2023/06/11
04:00 UTC

160

The hag and the beholder

be adventurers be in swamp progress stopped by a hag she tells us that we need to give her the central eye of a beholder to pass there's one in the elf's father's trophy room her fathers house is not that far sneak into trophy room and get the eye give it to the hag she makes us follow her to her shack and she puts the eye into a glowing cauldron she stirs the cauldron and dunks a glass bottle inside she drinks the potion and transforms into the unlies thing the party has ever set their eyes on the party rolls CON saves because she is so ugly a party member asks why she would do that the hag cackles and says "well dearies, beauty is in the eye of the beholder!"

10 Comments
2023/06/08
17:14 UTC

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