/r/CougarsAndCubs
READ THE FAQ & RULES BEFORE POSTING OR COMMENTING! A safe space to trade experiences, frustrations, worries, analyze cultural reactions, or just chat with fellow cougars and cubs. Working definition: a cougar/cub relationship is one where the woman (cougar) is a woman of 40 who at least 10 years older than the man (cub) or woman (kitten). A woman under 40 is a Puma.
A cougar/cub relationship is one where the woman (cougar) is 40+ years of age and the man (cub) or woman (kitten) is at least 10 years younger.
Women under the age of 40 are considered Pumas.
We are a discussion sub for age gap relationships between older women/younger men(or women). We share unique issues, frustrations, experiences and analyze social and cultural reactions to this dynamic. We are not a porn sub and like to keep things PG13.
Cougars_Den - Our sister subreddit for articles, memes, advice (if you have a legitimate question/discussion point or need advice but are unable to post in r/cougarsandcubs due to no karma issues) you may post in The Den. FAQs such as "How do I find a Cougar?" or "How Do I Approach an Older Woman?" will however may not be approved. This is covered in the main FAQs in r/cougarsandcubs or please do a little reading in our reference sub r/cougar_love."
Cougar_Love - Our reference sub for all newbie questions. Do some research and reading here first if you have very basic questions.
CougarsAndCubsMatch - Our Dating/Seeking Sub (The only place you may send seeking posts)
AgeGapPersonals - Age-gap dating (both older women/younger men and the reverse.
/r/CougarsAndCubs
So, middle-aged women liking younger men are not the exception? Middle-aged women preferring younger men seems to actually be the norm. This is interesting.
I had been talking to a younger guy on here since April and we got along great but then we hit a bump in the road, I messed up, no I didn’t cheat but I did hurt him and he just told me he doesn’t see a future for us and it’s tough because we talked about it. We’d have long chats where we talked about everything. It’s dumb because we never met in person but it still hurts me. He’s not even my friend anymore and it hurts so much. I don’t have anyone in my life anymore who I clicked with like that. It’s know this post is stupid but I can’t stop crying. I feel like I have no one since he’s gone.
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I 21m have been dating my gf(41f) for 5 months now. I have realized that we both have different views of fun things. She cleans the house for fun and I do young stuff like go out or do prank calls or emails to the radio show for fun. I have tried to talk to her about it but she always backs out and says that after she thought about it, it’s not fun for her. I’m totally okay with that but I wanna be able to do something else other than eat and watch Netflix with her every time I hangout with her. Also, please remember that I’m 21 and I can’t just keep going out every weekend and spending money for 2 people. We go out and do activities and I spend money on her but please don’t suggest super expensive activities.
Went much better this time, though it started a little tense. They did start with apologizing to her for how they handled things the first time, and she was very gracious about accepting and saying it's understandable. She said that she probably would have had the same suspicions if her own son started dating someone that much older, so she gets it. They spent some time just getting to know each other, asking about our relationship and how we stood out to each other, as well as a lot of actual get-to-know questions this time about her education, her career, hobbies, etc. They seemed to mostly enjoy that part of the conversation.
At one point the conversation of course turned to pregnancy, and as I expected, they bonded over their similar philosophies and views on various issues related to it. She told them about her first pregnancy, about how difficult it was to the point that several doctors recommended termination out of concern for her. She said she refused because she considered it a mother’s duty to protect her baby with her life if necessary, and she considered that responsibility to have already begun when she conceived, which meant giving the baby the best possible chance of being born healthy was more important to her than her own health. This I think really earned her a lot of respect from my religious, prolife parents.
By the end of the evening everyone had relaxed a bit, and it had turned into a relatively pleasant, cordial conversation. They said they’d like to meet with her again, and she said she’d like that as well, and then we all went home. Later on I got an email from my father. He said that while they’re still not thrilled and even hurt (I rolled my eyes a bit at that one) by the age gap, the lack of transparency about the relationship, and our sexual activity (why in the world would I be "transparent" about that???), they were quite impressed with how intelligent, educated, grounded, and all around how mature and well-put-together she was, a stark contrast to the stereotype of the hedonistic, maneating cougar who was trying to trap a younger man that they were expecting. My girlfriend told me that trope was really common in TV shows from the 70s and 80s, so that kind of image is very commonly burned into a lot of people's minds. Anyway, they’re still uneasy about things, but they’re ready to accept this is a real relationship.
Not the friendliest email, but a baby step in the right direction, I think. I do think at least a part of the issue is the reputation. There will definitely be some raised eyebrows when word gets around that their son knocked up a woman more than twice his age. So I get it, and I’m trying to be as sensitive as I can to all that.
On a side note, I was looking over my Reddit history on this account. I started sharing here and over at AgeGap because my relationship with her was getting serious and I needed a sounding board, but because we were still keeping it a secret, I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. Now that we’re open about our relationship and everyone knows about it, I don’t need Reddit anymore, but it’s become almost a bit of a journaling device for me, at least as far as my relationship goes. Kinda strange but eh. It’s helped.
I (26m) met up with a woman I’ve been seeing (46f). We spent time together, got close, shared an intimate moment. During our time together, she made a comment about me not fully engaging with her physically. It caught me off guard and left me feeling a bit embarrassed-probably one of the most awkward moments I’ve experienced. I’m not very experienced when it comes to intimacy but I feel confident in other areas like foreplay. Now I’m worried this may affect our connection moving forward. Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice on how to navigate this?
Hey all!
As the title says, I'm going out with a woman twice my age next week. We matched on hinge and I found her very attractive. One of her prompts was "Best way to ask me on a date is by" to which her answer was "by asking!". I tried to be confident and did exactly that by responding to the prompt with "Let's grab drinks?". I guess that worked because we agreed on a date next week.
I've always been interested in going on a date with an older woman and I am super excited but also a little nervous for some reason. Is that normal and do y'all have any pointers?
Cheers!
🌟 IT'S MONDAY!! This is our weekly "Off Topic Post" where you can chat with other members, check-in, tell us how your day is going, what plans you have coming up and generally what's going on in your part of the world. Remember this is our Off Topic post. No questions related to dating etc.
🌟 As a prerequisite to posting in this thread you must take the time to read the RULES & FAQs
🌟 Are you new here? Check out this post too!
🌟 If you don't you risk having your posts autodeleted by the automod bot and bans may be applied.
🌟 This is POST AND OUR SUB is strictly NO Soliciting Contact/Seeking/DM requests. The sub rules still apply across the board and it's expected that you've read them.
🌟 If you are looking to meet someone please go to our dating sub r/COUGARSANDCUBSMATCH and post it there. Read the rules before posting.
#REMINDER:
This is a discussion sub - no soliciting contact.
If you are seeking a match please go over to our dating sub r/CougarsandCubsMatch.
Read the rules/wiki/post requirements before you post/comment there.
You can make a stand alone post describing yourself and what you are looking for with 25 combined karma.
Or post a brief comment in our weekly **Thursday Roll Call** and a **Sunday Hunt** posts
- 10 comment karma/ASL (age, sex, location) and relationship status required.
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I feel so ashamed for caring as much as I did. I was too old for him and I felt guilty. He reassured me, saying we were both consenting adults. He was really kind about it but in the end we just weren't right for each other. I felt very old and stupid and I couldn't get past it.
We were only together a few months. I was falling for him pretty hard but I couldn't tell him. I don't think he was ready to hear it. It felt very uneven, emotionally. He had ADHD and because of it, he would cancel plans or forget to call me or he'd show up late. It hurt. He did his best to make it up to me but I couldn't help feeling bad about it when it happened, and it happened fairly often.
He also was polyamorous and I was monogamous. He was fine being monogamous to make me happy, but I felt like I was holding him back. I thought it was likely that he wouldn't want to waste his youth with me when he had so many other options. He was very physically attractive. A lot of women noticed him. I'm unsure if he cheated, it doesn't really matter.
The final straw was at lunch today. We got into a political debate which ended up in us raising our voices and causing a scene at the restaurant. We were both pretty mad. I almost walked off. He wasn't even really invested in the debate, it felt like he was just wanting to play devil's advocate for fun, and it was about a topic I am very passionate about. He was making me uncomfortable in public, I couldn't finish my meal because my stomach was so knotted up from the stress, but he cared more about "having a debate" and making an intellectual point. And I think at that point I just realized it wasn't going to work out.
I guess it's good that now I don't have to worry about him cheating on me or canceling on me. But my heart hurts so much. I've been crying all day at work today. I feel so undignified and humiliated. I hate to think that I might have caused him pain. But the fact that he might not care at all is worse.
With the results of the first prenatal tests and genetic screening and the preliminary confirmation the baby will be fine and the pregnancy will be healthy, we began telling more people around us about it, including my parents. They, like my girlfriend and her family, are also prolife, so by telling them I figured I might have trapped them a bit, because what are they going to do? Tell us to terminate? Their assumption was at first that she got herself pregnant to trap me and force me to take care of her. Anticipating that would be what they think, I got girlfriend’s permission ahead of time to tell them in detail about the troubles she had with her first pregnancy and how this was unexpected and really when it comes down to it unwanted, but that we’ve come to embrace it and love it. I don't think they really believed it but they did sympathize with her with the difficult pregnancy part, they themselves being actively involved with various charities and movements related to abortion, adoption, and other birth and child-related issues. So I basically told them, this baby is happening, and I am committed to raising him/her. If they want to be a part of their grandchild’s life, they need to accept the mother, because we’re not going to want people who can’t accept our relationship around our child, especially people who will be able to influence our child, like their grandparents.
They grudgingly accepted (they really want grandkids lol) and agreed to meet her again. I told them in no uncertain terms if they pull the kind of crap they did the first time, we’re walking out again and that will be the last time, and that I fully expect the very first thing we’ll hear from them when we sit down to talk will be an apology for that last time. They said they understand (they didn’t say “we’re sorry and we’ll do it” though… a little worrying but we'll see), so we are scheduled to meet again next week. I know my previous post about them probably made them sound like douchebags, but they really are really good people, just a little old fashioned and set in their ways. So I don't hold a grudge against them for this per se, as some of you mentioned their reaction was not at all inconceivable, but I just need them to accept who I'm more and more convinced is my soulmate. So, fingers crossed.
Humorous side note: my girlfriend is still scared of getting her tubes tied, and has expressed a lot of concern about it. I offhandedly said maybe it'll be better if I get a vasectomy. She jumped on that and said yes let's do that. That's better and safer. I really need to learn to keep my trap shut.
Alright y'all, hear me out. Advice would be greatly appreciated, not just based on the title, but what I write in this post.
I'm 25M here, at the prime of my life physically. I finally feel confident, proud and happy in my own skin after overcoming a lot of mental health struggles and working out. I am a late bloomer with dating and such because of that, but not completely inexperienced. Anyways, I have some thoughts goin on...
#1 (my crush):
So... there's this drop dead gorgeous woman (57, looks 37) that I know. She is a single mom with a kid around my age. She's a friend of my friend's mom, but I've gotten to know her over the course of my visits with my friend when she happens to be visiting my friend's mom at the same time. I genuinely enjoy talking to her and chatting, so it's not just me lusting quite. I've known and crushed on her since I was 22, but I just never knew if it was right to pursue this. I have a feeling she sorta likes me, she'll stare deep into my eyes when we talk, with a slight smile that almost resembles a smirk 😏. One time she said I had a nice skin complexion with this sort of shy and naughty look. I feel like there's some tension there but I can't prove it. Hypothetically, in the moment it feels like there's a 50/50 chance if I were to go in for a kiss lol ;) I could be delusional.
#2 (potential escalation): I'm aware there is a significant age gap, so I know it's a bit tricky when navigating flirting and what not. Cougars, what do you personally like and expect out of men in their 20's? Have I already missed the boat by waiting around? Our vibe hasn't changed.
#3 the future):
I hear that some cubs regret going for a much older woman because they didn't spend time investing with a younger woman and starting a family when they were younger. Since I'm somewhat inexperienced, time creeping up on me scares me a lil bit. Will I later regret not being with people my age? I also find them attractive. The "you're only young once" thing messes with me a bit too.
Also will it be awkward for her son, my friend and her mom if I escalate this? Is it disrespectful or risky? Sorry if that's a stupid question; I just don't want to bark up the wrong tree.
Thanks to those who read this. I'll respond to each and every one.
I think I'm going to stick to this sub. Some of the activity over at Age Gap creeps me out.
The good news:
We had our first prenatal appointment last week, a long appointment where she took a battery of physical exams and the first genetic screening to test for genetic abnormalities that may result in birth defects, and we just got our results. For the checkup she passed everything with flying colors, which isn’t too surprising. She’s always been active, loves to exercise and spend time outdoors, was a yoga instructor at one point. So she’s always been in great health, and the doctor said this is very clear. She saw no indication of any pregnancy complications on the horizon at the moment, including the issues she dealt with during her first pregnancy. The non-invasive genetic screening was another all-clear, no abnormalities, no indications of any risk of defects for the baby. After our first appointment, she cried in the car on the way home because it was such a long test and it really drove home how at-risk she was for everything and the stress got to her. She cried again at this second appointment, this time in the doctor’s office because she was so relieved and happy. For me, seeing the ultrasound of my baby was one of the wildest moments of my entire life.
These were the first of what will be many visits, and considering her advanced age (for a mother of course, not in general, 49 is the prime of her womanhood!), she’ll be visiting regularly, more often than one would for a normal pregnancy, and taking most of the available tests including some of the more invasive ones to make sure that if any issues come up we can catch them as early as possible. But for now, based on these first two, the doctor said she should be perfectly fit and ready to carry a healthy baby to term. So we’re cautiously optimistic and so relieved, and despite our initial reservations about all this, we’re both growing more and more excited at the prospect of having a baby together. We’ve decided when the time comes, we’re not going to learn the baby’s gender. We want to be surprised, and we’ll have both a male and female name ready. We’re both kind of hoping for a girl, her because she already has a son, and me so I can teach her to be strong and train her in martial arts so that she can defend herself and beat up boys who bother her.
The possible non-urgent concern:
Despite all the good news, considering her age as well as the difficulties she had with her pregnancy, we will be taking some extra precautions as needed to ensure a healthy pregnancy. One issue that came up is sex, as I had heard that that could be unsafe during pregnancies, especially during the third trimester. The doctor said that while complications are possible, if the pregnancy continues to be healthy with no problems, the risk is low and it should be perfectly safe to continue having sex. But again considering her history and age, we are considering that at even the slightest hint of any issues coming up, we may stop, and maybe even if no issues come up just to take that extra step of caution.
We sort of laughed together about how that will be the final real test of our relationship. We said that jokingly of course, but I do wonder what that will be like because I’ve heard about that sort of thing becoming a legitimate issue in couples. I truly love her, it’s not about the sex it hasn’t been for a long time, but no doubt our relationship is heavily sexual. We slept together the first day we met, and almost every time we’ve seen each other since. After moving in with her this summer, we’ve had sex almost every day. So even if our relationship is not about the sex, it is certainly a big part of our relationship and intimacy. And both of us have a lot of sexual energy left. If anything her sex drive is actually even higher than mine.
Even if her pregnancy goes off without a hitch, from what I hear once the baby is born, sex is often the first thing to go as well. So one way or the other, we talked about how this will in all likelihood be the beginning of the cooldown of our sex life and the end of our “honeymoon phase”. We’re not worried about having nothing to do, not at all. We have plenty of other connection points. And it’s not like this was unforeseen, of course all relationships go through this and I knew it could happen to us eventually as well. Happening a lot sooner than I could have anticipated but it’s fine. But now faced with it as an imminent possibility, I do wonder what life will be like, if it will be a “culture shock” at all, and what kind of noticeable changes that may result in in other areas of our relationship.
I suggested to her that maybe we should prepare for it by weening ourselves off of sex and getting used to there being less of it in our relationship so it’s not such a shock. I don’t know how serious I was about this suggestion, but it sounded like the right thing to say at the time. She shot it down real fast. She said it’s the opposite, we need to have as much sex as possible before the baby gets here because who knows when we’ll get to do it after that. Hey she’s the experienced one, who am I to argue? I freaking love that woman. But anyway, something that’s been playing in my mind lately.
On a humorous side note, she told me the doctor, a middle-aged woman, asked her if I’m really 21, and when she said yes, gave her a high five and said “good job, way to lock him down!” 😄
Me (43F) and my (32M) boyfriend of nearly two years visited a dispensary last night and the affable kid behind the counter has the audacity to ask if I was “mom”. Seriously contemplating Botox and fillers while my boyfriend can’t stop giggling. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
Hey everyone, I need some advice.
Two days ago, I (M28) was at the mall and saw a beautiful older woman, probably in her late 40s or early 50s, leaving Macy’s. I was really drawn to her, so I decided to approach her before she left.
I said, “Excuse me, I saw you inside, and I just thought you were very beautiful, and I wanted to come talk to you.” She seemed flattered but surprised. I told her, “I’d really like to take you out for coffee and get to know you.”
She smiled but mentioned the age difference, saying she was “way too old” for me. I responded with something like, “That doesn’t bother me.” I asked for her number and she took a long pause and it was like she was really thinking about it and then she said, “How about I take your number?” She opened up her notes app and added my name and number to her notes app, and we had some light conversation before I told her, “Text me, I’d love to hear from you.” She said okay and left.
I haven’t heard from her yet, and I’m not sure if I will. What do you think?
🌟 IT'S MONDAY!! This is our weekly "Off Topic Post" where you can chat with other members, check-in, tell us how your day is going, what plans you have coming up and generally what's going on in your part of the world. Remember this is our Off Topic post. No questions related to dating etc.
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One thing that used to irritate me was when women our age who should know better imitate some older men in being pushy and inappropriate towards younger men. Just because these older guys do it to younger women does not mean we should sink to their level and do the same
I saw this happen with my cub at a bar some years ago where he was celebrating a birthday and had had too much to drink. I came by to join him and he literally ran to me - apparently some woman much older than him had been physically harassing him and pressuring him to go home with her. Because he was drunk he was barely able to fend her off and one thing women need to understand is that men often feel uncomfortable rejecting them too harshly
This happened several times to both him and a few people I knew. The latest story was when he and a couple male coworkers his age were drinking after meeting with a business client at a hotel bar and an older woman came and was pushy in inviting ALL of them up to her room to drink even when they were clearly not comfortable and said no
I don’t believe that any of us here do this but as women we definitely need to call this out more in fellow women. Many of them will not take it seriously coming from men or women younger than them. Imagine going through this kind of behavior directed at you in your teens and 20s only to reenact it on others…
Serious question...will cubs understand if my wife wore a tshirt that said "Stacy's Mom" on the chest? The song is 22 years old so we're not sure if college age cubs will get it.
Just saw it this past weekend with a woman I’m seeing. She’s older and we thought it’d be a fun flick to see together.
Honestly thought it had a disappointing ending, random/forced interactions and overall not as good as I expected. 6.5/10
I hope this post makes sense. In your experience do younger men communicate better than men your own age/older or are they worse? I’m trying to figure out if this is a generational thing, I’m a millennial (yes I’ve heard all the jokes about how millennials hide when the phone/doorbell rings, etc.) but I’m just curious what others think about this. Or are you dating/have dated a millennial, how was that experience for you? Like I said I’m just curious.
I just wanted to write a quick thank you to people in the sub, who have helped me process my anxiety and other emotions around my age gap relationship.
My partner and I are 11 years apart, and when I first realized I am interested in him, I was very apprehensive about it and what it means. I never considered dating anyone in their early 20s before (I am 34F).
Well, today, we are just a day away from our 1 year anniversary. It's the best relationship I've ever had. We spent the holidays with each other's families. Both sides have been accepting of our love so far, and I couldn't be happier.
Thank you, again, for running this sub and sharing your advice and experience. It was so so helpful. I only hope to give back my cent or two of wisdom that I now have whenever appropriate.
🌟 IT'S MONDAY!! This is our weekly "Off Topic Post" where you can chat with other members, check-in, tell us how your day is going, what plans you have coming up and generally what's going on in your part of the world. Remember this is our Off Topic post. No questions related to dating etc.
🌟 As a prerequisite to posting in this thread you must take the time to read the RULES & FAQs
🌟 Are you new here? Check out this post too!
🌟 If you don't you risk having your posts autodeleted by the automod bot and bans may be applied.
🌟 This is POST AND OUR SUB is strictly NO Soliciting Contact/Seeking/DM requests. The sub rules still apply across the board and it's expected that you've read them.
🌟 If you are looking to meet someone please go to our dating sub r/COUGARSANDCUBSMATCH and post it there. Read the rules before posting.
#REMINDER:
This is a discussion sub - no soliciting contact.
If you are seeking a match please go over to our dating sub r/CougarsandCubsMatch.
Read the rules/wiki/post requirements before you post/comment there.
You can make a stand alone post describing yourself and what you are looking for with 25 combined karma.
Or post a brief comment in our weekly **Thursday Roll Call** and a **Sunday Hunt** posts
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I live in the southeast of the United States and to be honest I don’t know why more men don’t date older women. A large majority of younger women, at least in my area, are overweight and financially needy. Most just don’t take care of themselves. But a large majority of older women seem to be financially independent and take care of themselves and their bodies. My local gym is full of them! I’m financially secure, take care of my body and watch what I eat so why wouldn’t I want the same? Dating a cougar is just a no brainer to me. My only issue is people like my family judging me for doing so. However the older I get the less I care!
Please don't be rude.
Anyway, I am 42. I am bi. I have experienced discrimination from women , particularly older women , because of being bi. I am almost to the point of just not trying to waste time with women because studies show that only a small percentage of women like bi guys.
Since my 20s I have found myself more attracted to older women. I have went out on dates with older women but I have never had anything other than 1 friends with benefits situation with an older woman who was verbally abusive. We actually lived together for a while. She told me that bi guys are not masculine and she felt that I would give her HIV (which I don't have) . She also said she was just using me until she could get a guy her own age (which she did a few years later). She also was into playing games with my emotions.
Physically I love older women, but also a good thing is I don't have to waste time trying to figure out what the woman wants. There are some exceptions. I don't think I want a relationship anyway.
I always see older women on youtube or on reddit say one reason they don't like men their age is because the guy usually doesn't have all his hair or he has a beer belly.
I am not sure what I was hoping to accomplish by writing this but I needed to vent.
I'm a 26m that's been with a 54f for the last six months. She's absolutely gorgeous (she's into fitness so she has an amazing body). We met online, but texted for a few months before we finally got together. However, we had similar interests (such as cycling), and the vibes were good so we slept together upon first meeting and have been seeing each other ever since. It's great because we please each other so much, and we have quite a few common interests so it's not a purely sexual relationship.
This is what I wanted to discuss however. I still live at home. I have a job that's going good, but I'm in no financial position to move out yet (thankfully she's totally understanding of this since she has two kids who are similar in age and just moved out themselves). The other thing is that I've never had an actual girlfriend before. I've only ever been with people casually, because often when I've been looking for someone serious no one is interested. That frustration of not being able to find a girlfriend in my age range is also what led me to explore being with older women. She's the fourth older woman I've been with (and the best one by far).
Anyways, we've kept it a secret that we've been together. I've been thinking lately about what it would be like if we went public about it, as it would be nice to not have to hide when I'm going to see her. I do wonder what my family would think though, especially since I'm still at home. Part of me thinks that they would be happy to see me with anyone since I've been on my own for my whole life, but I could also see them being weirded out by it. I have a cousin who's dating someone older than her, and they've made comments about how they think it's a bit odd. I also wouldn't want to put pressure on her if she knows her family would be uncomfortable with it.
I think we'd both be fine to keep things as it is, but she makes me happy and it would be nice to be more open about that. Has anyone here had this experience before?
I (33 M) am cautiously optimistic after meeting a woman (47) for coffee this morning. The date certainly didn't feel like an hour before we exchanged numbers. She's intelligent, experienced, self-assured, and a go-getter.
From the first message to this morning, everything went smoothly. My only concern is that I am currently unemployed while she works in finance. However, she did agree to a second date tomorrow night.
UPDATE: She called it off. Said she didn’t feel a connection.