It seems like I always forget to clean up and do the dishes and people always have to remind me and I don’t know how to get better and I don’t want to become like that person or wear people out but I just genuinely don’t know how to remind myself to do that kind of thing.

I am so tired. I wish that I knew how to do these things and not stress everyone around me out And I feel bad for feeling bad because I know im in the wrong and I don’t know what to do. I wish they taught me how to clean. How to remember to clean. I don’t want to be like that and bad.

Hi, I’d like some advice on how I can cope while we try and move out of here, as my mental health is starting to get severely impacted. For some background I am a 23 year old f and my 24 year old boyfriend has moved into my parents home from England, I’m in Scotland. Before he moved here I warned him my parents house was bad, but he said he didn’t care and just wanted to get a job up here ASAP. Then the recession was announced lmao. We’ve been here a few months and the longer he’s here the more comfortable my parents get. It’s not that they’re massive hoarders, although we do have a huge accumulation of things that aren’t needed, you can walk around and use things without it being too messy. However, they are filthy. The last time the shower was cleaned was September when I last done it, I’m doing social sciences in uni, I’m their adopted daughter diagnosed with BPD, and they have two sons who are 25 and 29 who don’t help either. I try to keep the place clean, but it’s getting to the point of impacting my school work, if I want to eat, if I want to do anything, I need to clean up after other people first. My dad is obese and can’t clean himself correctly after the toilet, and will often clean himself in the shower and then leaves poo all over the shower floor. When I tell him about this he will get mad at me for bringing it up, and my mum will “clean” it by spraying water at it but it never gets cleaned. I constantly am scared of getting e. coli or something when I shower. We have even been encouraged to list as homeless by a local charity who was concerned for me, but I’ve been waiting for months now with no luck because of Scotlands housing emergency. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve done everything I can so far to get out, it’s just a waiting game. How can I cope?????

I’ve been on a mission to declutter and organize our home. My mother is an “organized” chaos kind of person and I like to meticulously organize and declutter for fun… so yeah. Very different. My mother works long hours and is not good at keeping her spaces organized. Any time I try to set up an organization system, she undoes it quickly. One stack here, another stack there, oh there’s another new pile! And it doesn’t help that letting go of any of her precious items is like a gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, terrifying, traumatic experience.

I have been routinely decluttering my things for quite some time now but I resigned from touching her stuff because the moral rule of decluttering says not to. Also because she confronted me and threw a fit when I tried to do that before (as in, she went through my multiple bags of clothing donations, found the things she never wore hidden in the stacks, took them out, and gave me a lecture on how she WILL wear it).

Here’s where it gets interesting. One day, after seeing one of my cleared spaces, my mother made a joking comment, “ [shared room] will look so good when you get around to it.” Since I know from experience that any time I directly mention getting rid of something to her, she freaks out, I decided to take that little comment as permission to finally go through her stuff as well. It’s been going pretty well since I’ve found a way to sneak all the things she does not use and will not even remember out of the house without her knowledge.

She’s made another comment about how nice and spacious the house is starting to look. This was nice to hear, but I know it can only progress if I continue to declutter behind her back. At least she approves, as long as she cannot see everything that leaves.

Now it’s about to get tricky. We have a set of bedding that we literally have never even used since we moved into our house (YEARS ago) and it includes pillows. Goodwill does not take pillows, so I scheduled a donation pickup for them. Unfortunately, they only do pickups on the day of the week that my mother has off work. Which means she will be at home and will be able to notice the large backs set out in front of our house. If she starts questioning what they are, I know I’m in for a long interrogation full of guilt tripping and “why would we get rid of them?”s and “but it’s good to have”s. I dread the possibility of her going out to open the bags and look through them.

I’m thinking about hiding the bags behind bushes where they may not be as visible from windows, which would be okay if my mother does not leave the house. If she leaves the house, she’ll notice obviously and will be suspicious. I also considered putting them out closer to our neighbor’s driveway so I can always answer her questions with “oh I don’t know. Probably the neighbors are doing something.”

Ideally, they will pick it up before my mother notices and/or before she leaves the house. Or if she leaves the house and I set out the donations right after. I cannot ask her plans for the day because then she will definitely get suspicious as to why I’m asking.

If worse get to worse and she confronts me about the bags outside before the pickup, I’m considering just telling her the facts: 1) we have not used the bedding set once since getting it. 2) it takes up a lot of space we don’t have. 3) it’s too thick for the climate we live in so we realistically won’t be able to comfortably use it.

What advice do you all have? How could I potentially smooth the situation if she decides to ask about the bags?

Hello all! I vented in this space quite a while ago about my HP and my enabling siblings that live in my home. I have an update - a super frustrating one!

I filed the eviction and I thought things were moving smoothly until my HP retained an attorney to fight the eviction on the grounds of them having a, “real estate interest.” As it turns out, my HP’s attorney is committed to continue filing and pursuing me in chancery court for the equity in my home.

I cannot even believe this is happening. My attorney is making it seem like I will certainly have to settle with them and payout on my equity despite the fact that I am the only one on the loan, the only one on the title/deed, and even all the bills are in my name.

I cannot stress this enough - do NOT let your HPs live in your home. Your kindness will be abused in unimaginable ways.

So, after some family arguments I'm not moving out yet. Agreed to help them try to clean over the next few months, but if things don't get better and stay better than I'm out, even if she writes me out of the will like she threatened.

Anyway the reason for this post; she has started cleaning the goat paths a little bit through the house and now that we can see carpet again she wants us all to have indoor shoes instead of just wearing our shoes inside. This began and was accepted a few years back due to an incontinent older dog who is no longer with us. Obviously not tracking in outside dirt and stuff matter, HOWEVER, I couldn't help but laugh at her concern of making the thread bare, mashed down, filthy, unsalvageable carpet any more dirty. Lol.

I asked them to bring a particular toy when they visit me next - it belonged to my grandmother when she was a little girl, I used to play with it when I was little. My sister has 2 boys who aren't interested in it as it's a traditionally girly toy and they're teens now so they're past it regardless, I have a 2 year old girl that I wanted to give the toy to when she's a little older.

They can't find it. The 100s of plastic bags are all accounted for though, thank God!

I just want to give a shout out to everyone who has offered such a kind word to any and every poster on here. The support and validation received has been such a comfort.

xoxo

I need help.

I’m very close with my dad but he’s a level 6/7 hoarder (it’s gotten much worse over time).

I live far away (need to fly home) so I have limited exposure to the hoard.

I’m visiting home now and in the span of about 2 weeks he’s bought me 3 used guitars (one is broken). He wants me to take them all home with me. The shipping costs alone would be a few hundred dollars. When I protest he gets upset.

When he visits me at my place he also creates a mini hoard. From his last visit I have 2 large suitcases of stuff he bought and left in my apartment.

This is now reaching a head for me because (30sF) am in a new relationship and just moving in with my SO. This is the first time I live with someone and I’m so excited for our future. My dad is pressuring me to bring his 2 suitcase hoard to our new apartment and I obviously don’t want to. I haven’t told my SO about my dad’s hoarding yet, and I’m scared to. I have so much shame. But I need to protect our new home.

Any advice or just similar experiences will help me feel better. I feel so overwhelmed.

I was around the age of 9(i am 19 now), perhaps a little older. I don't remember clearly. It was getting worse and worse over time. The piles of clothes on the floor gets higher and higher. Everything was falling apart. Living with cats pee and poo was normal for me, to the point i couldn't smell it anymore, etc, etc, you know what i mean. But people wants to take us down, destroyed us, yeah sure.

My parents are going through the divorce, so my father move out. So, was the other few people and for me...i feel so free/safe in this house for the first time(it's just shitty it only happened now). I am trying to clean as much as i could and it starting to looks kind of good, (but i think it's also getting out of hands, because i am getting obsessive over cleaning, but it's diffrent story).

Coming back to title, for now no one is taking the resposibility of this mess. Mother claims it's my father fault, because he was abusive(not in physical way), so she stopped cleaning. He claims that every time he wanted to take this rubbish out, my mother puts them back. I don't know if it's true or not, I was dissociating the majority of my life.

I am kind of in shock my mother even allowed me to declutter some places, but i was so scared through my life i won't throw out anything valuable. For now we have trouble with...socks. 2 big boxes of single socks. I mean it's doesn't take so much space in comparison what was before, but it's shows this mentality. I can't throw them out, because she doesn't have anything to wear...yeah, it's getting worse every year, at least decade old, impossible to pair anymory, but sure. (Not a native speaker)

This is mostly a way to vent out my feeling but advise would also be helpful. I am experiencing some of the most hopelessness I've experienced in my life even though I'm about to graduate with my associates at 18. My moms house the one me and my little sister live in has been in a horrible state for about 3 year only getting worse with time. My mom started hording stuff and committing to massive house projects as a way to cope with her break up and depression. Recently things have gotten really bad because our water heater broke and my mom took in puppy who was not poddy trained. She insist that we just need to clean the house and it'll work at but i know that to be false. Our house is littered with shit we don't need not to mention i have helped clean every room except my moms in this house and none can stay that way for more then 3 weeks. Moving stuff around will never get the house clean and I've told this to my mom she will lash back with "IVE BEEN GETTING RID OF STUFF STOP STRESSING MY OUT" and "If you helped around the house more things will get done". I will admit she has gotten rid of stuff but the amount of stuff that need to be gone is way more than she's comfortable to do. I've slowly become unmotivated I don't try anymore. Even with that degree Id need to stay for another 2 years to get my bachelors which I do want, that's not even taking into account saving up money so I can mortgage and not pay rent for the rest of my life. That's all if i can keep my grades up because that starting to slip too.

I (17f) live with my parents- mum and step dad. They’re disabled, however not extremely debilitating and still go out almost everyday for their own trips, they have no job and live solely off of benefits. But most importantly, they’re hoarders. Ever since I can remember I’ve lived in filth, I distinctly remember my childhood bedroom being filled to the ceiling with black trash bags and random crap that wasn’t mine or my sisters. It’s been hard to come to terms with, but I’ve realised that i haven’t had a normal childhood by any means, I feel angry at missed opportunities i could have had. I didn’t dare to invite anyone over when their houses were always spotless and mine was the complete opposite. To this day I only have one friend who even knows about the condition I live in because i find it extremely embarrassing.

You’d think that 2 grown adults, with no job would have all the time in the world to clean their house, right? Well I’ve lived here for most of my life and that has never been the case. Recently me and my mum cleared a bit in the living room, enough for a seating area to be free and not even a week later, it’s messy again. I hadn’t even had the opportunity to sit in there properly, but my step dad decided it was a great opportunity to buy random crap we didn’t need and dump them in the newly cleared area, which he didn’t even help to clean may I add. But my mum doesn’t care. She even wanted to keep a small piece of sheet metal because it was my step dads and she didn’t want to throw away anything belonging to him. She may not be the worst hoarder out there, but shes certainly an enabler who adds to the mess.

But all of this is beside my main issue I’m currently facing, it seems like we are having plumbing issues, water is leaking from sinks, there are new appearing water stains on our ceilings and not long ago water was DRIPPING from the ceiling- all of this is worrying stuff, but my parents act like it doesn’t matter. When it was first becoming an issue I expressed my concern and my mum responded with “What do you want me to do about it? I’m not a plumber.” Which is true, yes, but as my ADULT (52) mother, I wanted her to contact someone to fix it. Because that’s what adults do, they fix a problem with a phone call. It’s not even like we would have to pay for it, we rent. At this point I’m thinking of just doing it myself FOR their incompetent asses.

Ah- but that brings us to our overarching issue once again. We live in a hoard, they can’t simply call someone to get it fixed as that would mean they have to clean up their shit!!

I get empty promises that things will be solved soon but every day I’m waking up, entering the bathroom to a pool of water and having to clean it up myself. It’s getting really frustrating that they can’t pull themselves together to get something fixed that if it doesn’t, it’ll turn into a bigger mess they can no longer ignore. I have a feeling that this will not turn out smoothly in the end if they don’t fix it soon.

As a side note too, I’ve really been thinking about calling someone about this. I’d hate to ever tell CPS about my home situation, not because I love it here, but because there would literally be no where else to go. Me and my sister (16f) have never experienced a home without hoard. This plumbing problem is becoming a worse issue by the day and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to take living here, I’m almost 18 now but if I could help to take my sister out of a situation where my parents are so clearly incompetent to do anything about a huge problem, then I think it’s time to say something.

I just wish I didn’t feel such a huge pressure to do everything around here. I’ve always felt like I’ve had to control situations in the home because my parents have zero competence and don’t do ANYTHING.

TLDR- Parents are huge hoarders, we’re having plumbing problems and they wont do anything. It’s becoming a debilitating issue and I feel like the pressure is on me to do everything. Might call someone about the home situation, but I’m unsure.

New here, but stuck in the hoard and there’s just no respite. 26 and have failed to launch, and it feels like I’ll be here forever. I think I’ve already picked up habits/traits from them, I don’t wanna live this way.

Anyone else (previously/currently) in the same situation? How do you cope?

I hope this post is allowed here. my house is making me sick, and im not sure how to get out of this situation. I live in my grandparent's home with my mom, my grandmother was a hoarder and now my mother is becoming/ is one. To say the house is a mess is an understatement. 80% of the floors in each room are taken up by junk. There is mold of all kinds, rodents, insects, dirt, and whatnot. At first, it was just headaches, and sinus pain from the mold, but then I ended up getting h pylori. I drink bottled water and wash my veggies/fruit well, I also hardly leave the house, so im 100% sure I got it because of the poor condition of the house. I cannot afford to move out on my own right now. I suspect I may be autistic (I am finally going to get assessed next week) and that has caused me to not be able to work a proper job, thus not being able to afford to leave. I feel like I have no options, so I really dont know what to do. I can't continue to live like this it's literally killing me.

What would you do?

I live away but my brothers and I are thinking about doing some home cleaning, installing a washer machine, donating my deceased mother’s clothes, etc while he is on vacation. Nothing too drastic like removing his hoard of vhs tapes, audio equipment, tools etc. but something that helps with moving around as much as possible without making him upset when he returns.

I’m thinking about doing the typical cleaning like dusting and throwing out obvious trash and expired food, etc.

Is this ok? Or will we be overstepping since we’re not asking for permission. We’re basically doing what caring children would do but I want to make sure I’m doing the right thing. Thoughts? Thanks in advance!

Link to events below. Join our discord for more information.

https://discord.gg/yXQGyksw?event=1232617895738212415

https://discord.gg/yXQGyksw?event=1232617895738212415

So, I recently lost both of my parents, and I have inherited a hoarded house with four detached hoarded garages. I also had to clear out the hoard in their rented property, so I’m doing this bullshit in two states over 1,000 miles apart. I am in multiple grief support groups, but I know that that particular topic isn’t relevant to anyone but me in those groups. I can’t lie, my thoughts about the hoard consume me and I’m making a lot of progress, but I’m an only child so it’s slow going. I don’t want to take up everyone’s time in those and was looking for a more specific outlet for a child of hoarder support group.

I swear, there used to be a semi regular Zoom / Google Meet here. Is this something that still happens? If it isn’t, would anyone be interested if I made a group like this?

This is going to be a long one. I just need to write it out so I don’t end up talking to anybody about it IRL (I don’t want many people to know - because I can’t handle anybody saying “but she is your mother” at this point), I just need to write this all down to get it out of my system.

And yup, definitely mommy issues here. I grew up with only her, only child, and she isolated us from everybody else because of her hoarding (and her personality). I feel like I have been living my life like an orphan trying to raise myself, combined with the strange mix of being a child who never felt like a child, who was trying to be the parent for my parent.

I’ve had a lot of… unfortunate events take place in my life, things that when I have told people 5% of it they would say it sounds horrible, that no person should experience things like that (in a variety of categories). But… I am dead set that the one thing that has affected me the most in my life is my mother’s neglect.

She did her best, it wasn’t good enough.

It’s been almost 6 months since I went no contact (well technically very low contact since I have exchanged maybe 5 - 6 text messages in the past half year) with my mother, and it got me thinking what pushed me over the edge to go no contact this time around - considering my mother hasn’t changed that much at her core. Sure, she has gotten older and even more rigid, but she is still my mother, with the same personality traits she always had.

I went to visit her three times last fall. I tried to help her. Be her “parent”. Take her to various doctors after she has neglected her own health for years. Arrange for home help. Clean up the worst of the hoard (like the literal rotting trash). Get the bathroom and kitchen back into a functional state so she can continue to live in her home. Try to clean up the worst parts of how she has neglected herself and her surroundings (her apartment).

That in itself didn’t make me go no contact.

It wasn’t that I came to a hoarded, dirty house that made me cut her out.

It wasn’t that she blatantly lied and said she had cleaned the apartment to bait me into coming visiting in the first place that made me go no contact.

It wasn’t that she refused to accept help from anybody but me until I put my foot down and pretty much forced it through.

It wasn’t even that she was so rude to both nurses and me, always either wanted to have power over someone or being the victim.

It was wasn’t even that she has so little interest in me or anything about me that she has no idea about what is going on in my life.

All of those things are sad, devastating even, but those things didn’t make me say “enough”. I’ve been living with her as my mother for close to 40 years. Of course, all of these things were some of the underlying factors, but I what drove me over the edge was a ridiculous, tiiiiiiiny little thing, tbh. And to explain that tiny little thing, I need to give some back story.

When I moved back from another country I had brought back a blanket from that country that I used on my bed. I used it when I lived with my previous partner in this other country, I used it when I lived alone in that country, and I used it when I moved back to this country and stayed over in the tiny room in her apartment I cleaned out so I had a base to help her with the rest of the apartment.

Because of Covid (and my reluctance to go back into her hoarded apartment), I had not been in that apartment for 4 years (2019 - 2023). In that apartment there was a tiny 6 square meter room that I cleaned up.

When I say “clean up”, it is an understatement. That room had been completely been blocked off because of her hoard from top to bottom from when I was younger. To the point where the door did not open and it was impossible to enter the room. I literally had to pry the door open, and try to pull out item by item until there was enough space to actually open the door.

But I cleaned the entire 6 square meters over the years! I bought a little foldable bed, a pillow and a duvet, some furniture, sorted my stuff in there, and my mother promised that this could be “my room” in her apartment. This was because she really wanted me to come visiting (and she needed my help), and the rest of the apartment is… unsanitary. I had two specific requests for that room - that she would not put any of her hoard in there, and not let the cats in there - since I am allergic. (I can take an allergy tablet and be fine around cats, but I can’t live in an environment with a ton of cat hair.)

When I returned for the first time in 4 years in 2023, the little room I’ve kept clean years prior was covered in cat hair and cat puke. And she has started hoarding there again as well. So she broke that promise - to keep that ONE tiny room cat- and clutter-free. (Technically she also flat out lied and said she has cleaned her apartment so I would come visit in the first place, but I thought that it sounded so far fetched I didn’t believe it in the first place. But the ONE tiny room though, I trusted she could keep that tiny space in her house - and her heart - for me.)

I got both sad and angry when I saw the state of the room. I had to buy a new pillow, and a new duvet, new sheets - which wasn’t covered in… cat piss, puke and hair. But my blanket, my dear blanket… I said that the least she could do was getting it dry cleaned. That was on visit number one last fall.

I even found a place she could hand the blanket in, and we even went there together and made sure they could clean the blanket for like 50 dollars (not a terrible price in this country for that type of blanket).

The blanket was completely covered in cat hair and what I presume to be cat puke (despite her swearing that the cats had never been in that room EVER or on that blanket on the bed EVER. She really took delulu is the new solulu to another level. I really think she believes her own lies). I cleaned off as much hair/puke as I could from my blanket. Then I packed it up in a sealed bag, so it was ready to go to the dry cleaners.

Came back a second time, about a month later. She hadn’t taken the blanket to the dry cleaner yet. My itinerary was packed, following her to doctors appointments, setting up home help, the whole shabang.

Came back for the third time last fall, about a month after that again. She still had not taken the blanket to the dry cleaning. It was right where I left it, gathering dust.

So that is what broke me. That god damn blanket is the catalyst to why I went no contact. I haven’t been there since November 2023. (She lives a 7 hr train ride / 45 min flight away).

I will contact her at the end of May, and ask her if the blanket has been dry cleaned.

I am willing to bet a substantial amount of money that it has not. Despite me finding the place she can hand it in to be dry cleaned. Despite me packing the blanket up in a bag for easy transport.

I honestly don’t know where to go from here when I will (most likely) confirm that she hasn’t gotten the blanket dry cleaned. The place to hand it in is literally 5 min away with car, 7 by bus, 25 min to walk. And if she hasn’t been able to do that for me in 6 months - it is baffling to me if she doesn’t understand why I have to limit contact with her?

I know this is such a tiny thing. It’s just a blanket. But this is how every little tiny - and big - thing is with her.

I chose the flair that says “support through advice”, and I guess what I am asking is not how I can change her or her habits - I have lost most hopes she will change - but if someone can tell me if there are other solutions than no contact here? I feel so guilty. She doesn’t have many people in her life. I am an only child. She has no partner. Very little contact with friends. But at the same time I felt enraged whenever I had to communicate with her last fall before I went no contact. I thought maybe the no contact would have her reflect on her behaviors, but clearly this is a moot point. So where do I go from here? I don’t think I can ever forgive myself if she were to pass away and I would have been no contact. But I also feel so bitter and angry just thinking about picking up any contact with her again.

I got approved for my first solo apartment today. I move in June. I’ve never been so relieved in my life.

Hi everyone. I know I posted here a couple of months ago so I'm just gonna give a quick update. I moved in with my sister about a year and a half ago because of my mums hoarding. I don't want to sound like i'm 'trauma dumping' but sadly my sister recently passed from cancer (fuck cancer). When I found out it was terminal I got anxious at the thought of having to return to my mums so I made a post here. Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and motivation then, i'm honestly very grateful.

Anyway I got in touch with a few charities and managed to get onto their waiting lists for accommodation. I've still had no updates about this but I know I am a priority on them and will get housing when it becomes available.

So thank you to my sister and those who have helped me, it means i'm officially out of her hoard!! I also want to say that if you're still living in any hoarded environment, it is possible to get out and I wish you the best. You are not alone<3

Hi all
I think my father has always been a hoarder, since before I was born. He had many interests and is smart when it comes to engines and mechanical things and can make good stuff. But he has a work yard to do that in and when my parents were together his stuff didn't encroach on the house. However, once they got divorced and all us kids were gone, his hoarding started to get out of hand and the house and yard is now overrun.

So do you think he was always a hoarder but had boundaries set by a spouse? Or was he a collector/clutterer that turned into hoarding with the trauma of divorce + empty nesting?

Hello everyone! I(21M) just found this sub last night when I finally hit my breaking point. I've felt alone my entire life and didn't realize that other people go through this. Seeing this sub... well, it's been a complete eye opener for me. I never considered my grandparents abusers, at least in any meaningful way. I am loved and I have always been provided for unconditionally. But just because I am loved doesn't mean I am not abused. I'd really like to thank you all for helping me see that and providing a place where people like us can come together. Now with that out of the way, I'm going to try to explain my situation. I've never done anything like this, so please be patient if I'm a bit all over the place.

I was born to a completely unprepared high school couple that broke up a few years into my life. As far as I'm concerned, they both abandoned me in their own ways, although I still can contact them no problem. But all that is trauma for a different sub, I imagine. I was left to live with my grandparents, one of which is a level 3-4 hoarder. The other grandparent wants to live better and has gone on many a cleaning crusade against the other, but they have gotten old now and between working and their health, they just can't do it anymore. Like I mentioned, I have received no shortage of love from either of them, and have never had to worry about having food or a roof over my head. What I have never had though is a consistent social life. Friends couldn't come over because of the hoard. Girlfriends(and the occasional Boyfriend) couldn't come over, because of the hoard. No one wants to hang out or be with someone that won't even entertain the thought of them coming to their house. It makes you seem like you don't like them enough to introduce them to your family, or maybe you're hiding things from them. At least that's how my life has gone in that regard. In recent years, this has really caused me to hit a downwards depression spiral, where I've lost practically all touch with consistent hygiene and exercise, I dropped out of school, and have struggled to keep a job to the point that I've been unemployed for two years. I want to do better. I want to be proud of myself and start my adult life in earnest.

To this end I have been trying to clean out my room for a few months. Maybe about 3 or so? My plan is to remove the practically ceiling high piles of garbage from my space and get some exercise equipment. I'm currently 6'2" and 250 lbs basically just really out of shape, a fact that really depresses me and I think the fixing of it will go a long way in getting back my self esteem. All I want in my room is my bed, exercise equipment, and my gaming set up. I think with that set up and a change to my diet, I'll be able to start changing my self for the better. My Non-HP largely agrees with this and will facilitate it if I can actually get the room cleaned. My HP however... well they have been difficult. They throw tantrums because I am throwing and giving away their stuff. They tear me down and say that even if I clean my room they don't believe I'll be able to fix myself. They say that everyone blames them and says its their fault, that no one appreciates them and that they should just kill themselves so no one has to deal with them anymore. I love them, I can't stand to hear them talk like this. It makes me cry, it makes me stop cleaning. I can't stop though. I need this for me and for my future. Sorry, that got pretty depressing fast.

I guess we're kind of caught up now, so my question is, what can I do to get better? How can I regain a consistent hygiene routine, how can I clean my room out without my HP being destructive and threatening self harm? Moving out is... not an option. I have 50 dollars to my name and functionally no where to go, plus I do love my grandparents and just leaving without an actual life ahead of me right now seems like a slap in the face for everything they've done for me. Please feel free to ask me any questions if it'll help me get answers to all this, I'll be consistently checking this post for guidance. Thank you all in advance and for at least helping me find the courage to talk about this.

Hi, I am not the COH but my partner is and I am trying to give him support. He very specifically has been struggling with the shame and guilt associated with hoarding. He does not have hoarding tendencies per say and our home is clean and organized and too much clutter will start to bother him, however when his mom (the hoarder) comes to visit and bring things that he doesn't want and doesn't have use for he still seems to really take that on like it is his responsibility to use the item thoughtfully and not be wasteful. For example - when his mother last visited, she brought lots of past date produce. The potatoes smelled, there were turnips getting coated with slime in plastic packaging, you get the picture. We went through them, kept what we could which wasn't much, and used some of the potatoes for seed potatoes in the garden. She is coming in a few weeks and already has told him she will be bringing potatoes and onions. His response was that we don't need any but thank you, and she said well you might in 6 weeks I'll just bring them. He is now incredibly anxious - I have communicated to him multiple times that he did what he can do, if she is not going to respect what he has said then it is her problem not his and he shouldn't feel like this is his fault. I also told him worst case scenario if they are in poor condition we will take them straight out to the compost bin and we will be ok. I understand some of what he needs is time and I have encouraged him to consider therapy, as I understand much of the support and insight he needs would be much more helpful from a qualified therapist vs his fiancé. That being said, I don't think he is quite ready to make the choice to go to therapy - he accepted/fully realized that his mother is a hoarder (I would say level 3 from what I experienced) when we stayed with her for Christmas of 2022 for about a week. My grandfather was a hoarder so I have some understanding and have talked with my mom about her experience however their situations are not the same (I understand no situation is quite the same) and so all of this very long explanation to say I am looking for ways that I can better be supportive and help create an environment in our home where he doesn't feel that shame or like his needs are second to the needs of his hoarder parent or the perceived needs of objects.

Wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience/realization/whatever you want to call it...

I grew up in a very loving home, but a very messy home. Looking back now, I realize my parents had hoarder tendencies that, now that my brother and I are out of the house (my other brother still lives there), has only gotten worse. It was not until fairly recently that I was able to look back and realize that I grew up in a dirty hoarder house, not just a messy house. It's been really hard on me to realize this, and I'm starting to work through it.

My husband and I live in a beautiful home that we keep very clean and tidy, almost minimalist (a little bit of overcompensation lol). When my parents come to visit and babysit the kids, my husband is always mad after they leave because they left their shoes on and tracked dirt somewhere or they left out a poopy diaper or they left dishes out or didn't clean the kids faces before bed or left toothpaste on the sink or they left the peanut butter out with the lid off and a bug got in or a toy got broken (or worse something that shouldn't have been played with got broken) or you get the idea. Little stuff that we (almost) always take care of, but they don't.

My husband always says "It's just common sense to ______ [fill in the blank]." But I've tried to explain to him that it's not common sense. He was taught those things as a kids by his parents who weren't hoarders. I've had to learn those things as an adult because I wasn't taught those things by my hoarder parents. And my parents didn't learn those things (or maybe have forgotten them in their ill state) because they are not well educated, got married when they were very young, and my dad came from a very broken household where learning to take off your shoes on white carpet was the least of everyone's concern.

It's very embarrassing for me when my husband gets upset like this. Don't get me wrong, his frustrations are valid, and I share them, but it's just embarrassing because those are my parents behaving like untrained children, and I was probably right there with them through part of my young adult life while I figured things out.

I don't know... I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I just need to share.

I am close with my mom. I love her and would be devastated to lose her. She has been horribly destructive in my life in many ways (not just hoarding) and continues to be destructive in the life of my youngest sibling (under 18).

I’ve been in therapy. Can’t afford it right now but it is helpful, and hopefully I can start again soon. I guess it’s like if I make a list of just her most prominent traits or the experiences my siblings and I have had as a direct result of those traits, she reads like a straight up monster. If I wasn’t me and read that list I’d be like “Girl have this woman committed and never speak to her again.” Which is essentially what therapists have told me.

But for one thing, I need to guarantee my younger sister has a future and chance for normalcy. My mom would never drop the pretense that she is, in fact, a good parent and give custody to anyone else. Even though my sister has lived with an older sibling for around six years now. (She’s been “working on” sister’s room this whole time. In my mom’s mind my sister HAS been living with her, she just prefers to “stay over” at our sister’s house. Extremely delusional, I’m sure y’all get it.) I need to sort of co-parent with my mom just to make sure she can take care of the bare minimum that only someone with legal custody can take care of. I don’t want to get into details but i have to remain close to the situation. NC is simply not an option.

But another thing is, I feel terrible about talking about my mom like the only impact she’s had on me is negative. I like talking to her and would really miss her if I couldn’t see her anymore. I of course feel rage and resentment especially when it comes to my little sister, because she still has the opportunity to improve her relationship with her but chooses not to.

But mostly I feel sad about all of it. It’s awful to see a physical manifestation of a loved one’s pain in the form of literal trash that they surround themselves with. I spend a lot of time worrying that she will be critically injured by furniture avalanche and, because of her habit of never answering her phone, no one would even notice she’s dead.

Over the years I’ve had a general approach of “address the issue and accomplish nothing besides having a bad relationship with mom or don’t address it and at least still be able to maintain a relationship with her.”

I really let her have it today, Mothers Day because i was alerted to the fact that she is once again going on a vacation with her husband (who doesn’t live with her) instead of meeting the arbitrary date she most recently gave my sister to have her house in good enough shape to be lived in. Did I ever think she was going to follow through on this? Of course not, but I know that every time she leaves her house in squalor to go on vacation my little sister adds that vacation to her on-going list of things my mom cares about more than living with her own daughter. I told my mom she is a horrible, selfish, irresponsible, cruel excuse for a parent. All of these things are true. I feel terrible.

Idk what I’m even getting at. Just venting I guess. Does anyone relate to the cognitive dissonance of loving someone who is just….bad?

We called the non-emergency line and they refused to transport it, but gave us instructions on how to/ where to. But my cousin is keeping it in the garage. It turned into a big fight. My cousin is flat out stupid, sorry to say. But I mean, I'm just... QVC emails printed out from the 90s, printed out pictures of pictures of pictures, unopened repeats of shit... plenty of annoying things.

But MERCURY?! Over a cup full of fucking mercury.

Doesn't help this is my BIGGEST fear. That and owls. Which there was a GIANT fucking owl mask in this same room!! Omg I hate my life right now. Exposure therapy, whether I wanted it or not. Just. Wow.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/h65jdvjRjCQKaEwK/?mibextid=oFDknk

I am hoping someone here can help me out with a small problem I've been having. I don't know who to ask in real life and the situation is delicate.

I sometimes watch my niece and nephew (1 and 2), who live in a hoarding situation. I'm trying to deal with that separately, but it's important to me to be able to take the kids and give them a safe, comfortable place when their parents need it. There is a lot of mental illness in the home, but everyone is trying. The kids are loved, and recieve a lot of care, but the home honestly is really bad.

The kids are often dropped off without much in the way of clothes or diapers. I watched them on short notice last week, and my nephew was soaked in pee from his shoulders to his knees. I didn't have extra clothes and only had one extra diaper in each size.

They did have blankets dropped off and I stopped by my brother's work to get shoes and clothes out of their car.

The problem is that nothing seems to stop the kids from absolutely reeking of urine. Everything they had in their emergency supply and everything they dropped off with me absolutely reeked of pee. Even in brand new clothes, wiped down with baby wipes and in clean diapers, the smell is bad enough that the furniture and carpet they came in contact with had to be shampooed. The shoes smell, the blankets smell, the clothes smell, the toys smell. It's bad enough that my kitchen table and chairs had to be scrubbed.

I think there may be animal urine issues in addition to the children's.

Even when their diapers were dry they still smell and I feel so bad for them.

My husband is understandably frustrated, and has gotten less and less happy with the kids coming over, which is fair.

Last night we were watching fireworks at a party, and the kids ran over to sit in our car for a couple minutes, bringing comfort blankets with them. I threw the blanket back out of the car as soon as they got close, but still had to wash the clothes I was wearing and the car. I mentioned it to the parents, but was told the blanket had literally come out of the wash before they left the house.

My father passed away very unexpectedly late last year and affectionately considered himself on the same plane as American Pickers.

Except he wasn’t. He was a hoarder.

And now my brother, mom, and I are left cleaning up everything.

What sucks so much more than just having to deal with it is also the hardship of his passing. I’m finding odd value in things that really have no value. And struggling to decide overall what actually is garbage or scrap vs what is something worth selling. On top of that, it’s also been so upsetting to see all that has been neglected. Machinery that was just left outside to rust, broken bulbs, rotting tires…. It’s so much.

He worked from home for 20+ years in the computers science industry and has a collection of electronic gadgets, monitors, computers that could fill a truck bed. Not to mention his office is like a contamination site between all the dead weed plants and garbage.

I’m just so angry with him for leaving this with us. And leaving us with so many unanswered questions like… “where are the keys to your broken down 76 Corvette that has been sitting in the garage with dry rotted tires and cat piss on the seats for the last 20 years?” Cause we’d love to sell it. Or what about “why do you have 4 chainsaws, all of which don’t run?”

My mom & siblings just shut down when we try to address what needs to be done and I am feeling so angry about all of it I want to shut down too.

How do we do this? Why do we have to get stuck with taking time off work or from my own house to clean? Why do we have to drop hundreds on a dumpster just because he wasn’t capable of cleaning himself?