how do you set boundaries so that you don't get emotionally or mentally or physically hurt?

I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for 9 years and we have an opposite taste in sexual desires. While I am into kink and BDSM, he is much more vanilla than I am and it has only recently become somewhat of a problem on my end. I have told him most of my interests or fantasies and he just never has any interest in engaging in any of them. It almost seems like he doesn't enjoy the act of sex or foreplay, just actually finishing on his end. I don't know how to explain my desires to him without feeling like a broken record. I have asked about his fantasies for years and he just says he has none. I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring him into exploring things that he has expressed no interest in, but I also feel like I am almost depriving myself of a healthy sex life on my end. I guess I am asking for some advice for how to either navigate a conversation about our sex life or advice for myself on how to be "less kinky"?

So I’m pretty new to BDSM and kink, I haven’t actually tried out any scenes yet but it’s definitely something I’m interested in. Ive been learning a lot about BDSM and kink recently and I know it can be non-sexual (which I love) but then that made me wonder, if you’re playing a non-sexual RP scene, is it just adults playing pretend? I’m not saying that’s a bad thing at all, the idea of playing pretend as an adult sounds pretty fun to me, but what would distinctly make it kinky? Is it just the safety measures, like negotiating limits beforehand and having a safe word, etc?

Hi! Does any one have any advice to share on how to begin exploring the community? I (29F) have no idea where to begin. And I am completely overwhelmed by the various results online, so I thought I’d post here for a more “boots on the ground” (boots on my neck) advice. And going to be turning 30 in the new year. Which seems to be a huge turn off based on what info I’ve been able to find so far(?)…so that’s a bummer and I’m hoping I’ve just found bad threads. I’m also in the SF Bay Area if anyone has more a more specific direction to point me in that would be great! Please and thank you🥰

Hi everyone, I hope this doesn’t infringe on anything but I was just looking for guidance-

So, my [F22] current partner [M21] is my first sexual partner and we have had vanilla sex to get me used to the experience. He has mentioned being into the BDSM scene and being a “pleasure dom” and a liking toward me being bratty - as someone who was a virgin before him and never been in the BDSM community, what is a good way to behave towards him in our sex life/everyday life? I’d like to surprise him with me learning what he’s into for his birthday! 🤗

We have come up with a safe word and I also receive aftercare, so that is not an issue. And just in case anyone is concerned , I do not feel forced to do this, I also find it attractive, I’m just a newbie! Thanks!

I posted in this sub a few months ago and got a lot of great help.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/1eezwts/comment/lflkneg/?context=3

So the TL;DR of it is that my wife and I had an argument. I was acting as my wife's personal fitness trainer at the time, and that particular day, we had a pretty big argument. I was extra tough on her in coaching her workout that day, total drill sergeant mode and being kind of insulting/motivating...you know, like a drill sergeant ("Come on! only 3 reps? You are weak! How can you be so weak after 3 months??").

I was still angry about the argument and got a little drunk later. She tried to seduce me that night but my drunk belligerent ass was having none of it. She said I wasn't a man and then I told her I'd show her a man and then I forced the issue.

Afterwards, I was very afraid that I would get the cops called on me and have to be shopping for a divorce lawyer because she was crying. Turns out she said it was the "best sex she ever had" and from then on wanted more and more. I came to this sub for advice and I got it. Thanks.

So we've been working on the "Pirate vs. Damsel" fantasy.

So far it's just been me holding her down in various positions: hands over head (missionary), hands behind back, face in pillow (doggie style).

I was taken aback when she produced some handcuffs one evening. The thing that really made it strange was that she was waiting by the bed in a lingerie outfit and she was on her knees with her head down and holding up the handcuffs silently. If you know about my wife from my first post (or in real life) this is something that is WAY WAY WAY out of character for her.

So I walked in wrapped in a towel and I was kind of stunned. I made the apparent mistake of saying "what are you doing? What's going on??" not realizing it was a submissive stance. I sort of knocked her out of the mood and she just sort of called it off. I went for the forceful hold then telling her not to turn her back on me, but she blurted out the safe word and said I spoiled the mood and she was pissed.

A couple of days later she did the same thing and I had read up on it so I behaved accordingly.

I know this is getting long but here's where I need advice.

A few days ago, she did the same thing and her hands were cuffed (as usual now), and she was holding up a flexible dark brown leather bondage paddle, looking at the ground and she was...quivering?? I guess?

This time, I was the one who said the safe word.

She wasn't as pissed, I think she knew that we were headed in a whole new area, here.

So what I need from you dear people who were so helpful before is some major advice. Let me tell you my concerns.

1. I don't want to give her scars for life by flaying the skin off of her with this thing. I mean, I'll look for videos on how to use it but if you could point me to the right place, that would be good. All I got for an idea is p@#nhub.

2. I don't think this will happen but what if someone else sees the marks. They're going to think I'm an abusive a-hole, right?

3. If our relationship goes south for whatever reason in the future (just to be clear, we're doing better than ever now, but I have no illusions that we won't get into fights or anything), and she uses the marks left as evidence that I'm abusive and takes away the kids (we don't have kids right now but we want to start trying for them this year). Is there some way to legally indemnify myself?

4. If she's pregnant, we'll have to stop it, right?

5. Where does this path lead? I mean, so far she's always had the most intense orgasms, the ones where she's like spasming afterwards like a sputtering motor, and it's great for my ego and security that I'm providing that for her. But I'm a strict monogamy guy. I don't want ANYONE ELSE doing that for her. Is this inevitably headed to group sex dungeons and professional DOMs?

I gotta say, I'm concerned, here guys.

I know I need to sit down and have a conversation with her. Do I do it as her husband/lover or do I do it as her DOM? What questions should I ask? What should I do to gently but firmly push home the point that I don't intend on sharing her with anyone.

Just to be clear, she hasn't ever said anything about group sex or anything like that. Early on in our relationship I told her about a threesome fantasy (FFM) and she made it clear that it's going to remain a fantasy as far as she's concerned. It's not something I feel strongly about anyway, because I love her so much, so no big deal.

But if I hear the words "open relationship" or "polyamory" come out of her mouth, I'm going to die inside. I sh!t you not. I may call for divorce right then and there.

Talk me off of the edge, people!

so I consider myself a VERY bratty sub. I took the BDSM quiz and it said 100% brat LOL and 99% submissive. I mention this bc the guy I've been fuck buddies with mentioned CNC then proceed to tell me im not sub enough 🥺 I am very bratty with him but it wouldn't call it a sub/dom relationship. the sex is great, thats why ive been around him for like 5 years.

we finally had a kink talk and he was like "wow this is a side of you I never knew you had." um sir I literally never say no to you in bed. im way more of brat with him outside the bedroom. example; he'll want me to come over but I have a good parking spot at my place (street parking) so I'll tell him no. and idk im just very bratty with him?

I thought it was obvious I was sub but apparently he doesn't see it. in my defense tho I never really thought of him as my Dom bc his after care isn't what I want. im not sure if he think it's bc ill catch feelings (I know I won't. he's not the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with) or what?

I would love to have a better after care session especially with the rough sex we have. like I said it's been YEARS that we've been fuck buddies and we are JUST not talking about kinks (i.e. FMF threesome, wax play, praise kink, gagging, and more) but idk he just doesn't seem like a good Dom? like he tells me what to do in bed and like a good little sub I listen!

how do I bring this up to someone I've been sexual with for years? like my ideal after care, would be a bottle of water, 5-10 minutes of cuddles on the couch or something and maybe something cold to sooth my throat (I deep throat him)

idk I guess I feel confused bc we do a LOT of things, he is bigger so I know he doesnt "fit" in most mouths/coochies/ass. and lucky FOR HIM, I like doing that stuff for him. I like being the only one he fits in. after he told me im not "sub enough" for CNC I felt like such a bad sub? like put a ghost face mask on and chase me 😭

Edit add on: he wants me to use a gag but I have lock jaw and deep throating makes me sore enough. i didnt say no to gagging but there would need to be some serious after care for that! at least some ice cream and some head pets after

Looking for something that I can give my wife to wear in normal everyday life that won't be an overt give away into our kinkier side.

Obviously anybody else that is kinky would know what it was, but looking for something that the average person may not recognize... But something that we can utilize in the bedroom too.

Any thoughts?

Edit to fix typo

Was thinking of cuffing my wife to the bedpost and blindfolding her, and then using a (cleaned) beard trimmer on her. I totally would prefer to take all of it off, but as this is my first time doing this myself, any recommendations on length to leave the hair? Tips / tricks that you have for doing something like this?

I (40+ male) usually use a 2 or 3 mm on myself (recently just went a little shorter... Maybe too short) and don't want to give my wife a bad experience for me doing this for the first time. Thinking that maybe it will turn into some oral fun afterwards as well.

Your thoughts?

WELL, I think this topic involves many people who has the fantasy of:

【get kidnapped by their partner without knowing being kidnapped by their partner BUT still somehow knowing that he/she is being kidnapped by their partner】LOL

I think we want to feel the unsafe part in this fantasy when we know we are definitely safe.

So far I believe this problem has not been solved by Einstein.

Hello! So to start I truly believe that a D/s dynamic is a two-way street. Both partners give and take and both dominance and submission should be seen as a gift.

If I had to fall into one of the major categories of submission it would be a brat. However, I typically identify better with a sadomasochist switch with a bratty side. I am definitely not into service. It does not come naturally to me like it does others.

My Daddy has requested some protocols that are leaning more toward service. For example, learning how to boot black, cutting his hair, washing him in the shower, etc.

I am struggling agreeing to these things as I am not a service sub. I feel it brings me no pleasure in doing those things for him and I would essentially be getting nothing out of learning all these new skills and doing these things for him.

So I guess my question is…what could I ask for in return or what would I be getting out of doing these things for him?

As a sub that's single what can I do to help the urge to want to feel something? Like since I don't have a Dom what can I do to help stimulate me being owned or do something sexually if that makes since..?

I (29GF) need a little bit of advice on finding my mojo back into what I love. I identify as a Dom leaning switch, but as of late I've been having problems finding myself. Over the past year, I've been dealing with a bit of stuff, from breaking up with my Domme of three years, to not being able to find my "Little side" after, struggling to find my "alt-self" (Fem Domme side), and coming away from an incident that I have worked through with a friend. With all that said, I'm still having a hard time reaching the two sides that make me....well me, not that I don't enjoy those sides of myself, but it's like I've hit a fog wall that I can't seem to find my way out from. It has lead to me stepping away for a bit, and coming back only to feel like something is most defiantly missing within myself going to events and such. Some memories have been coming back with a friend (who had been outed by another member of my local community), seemingly coming back from hiatus of what I what enjoyed from my fem domme side, but as just doing the motions. So any advice would be greatly appreciated in helping try to find a way to re-connect my "Little side" and "Fem Domme side" with myself.

Hello! F18, first time poster, I'm honestly looking for any advice for someone looking into the petplay community, I've found myself becoming interested in some parts of that play but have never had someone to connect with nor talk about in a broader spectrum, any recommendations on what to do?

Edit:

I've read about getting into the dynamic but there are a few things that I'm not too keen on thinking about investing in, I understand that getting gear like the masks help get into the role but I'm not too sure on much gear just yet, I'm looking for tips on how to ease myself into the pet/pup mindset while also having other responsibilities, like work and school, I've ordered myself some small things like a collar and a more simple body harness to get used to the idea of using gear, and I've been happy with it. However, I think about the community, being more socially involved with a community and discovering more about myself, while also gaining experience and knowledge from other perspectives. I hope this helps when asking for more forms of advice.

This may sound stupid but how do I know if someone is hitting my cervix? Some people feel pleasure, some pain and I can’t be sure. How would I know for sure?

this might be a dumb question, but please help me out!

i’m new to bdsm and actually found a dom that is pretty good! we had one session together and it went great, i want to see him again but im way too scared to ask because i am extremely shy. any advice?

Hi - So just like the title says, I am falling for my dom. My dom and I have had an online dynamic for the past few years. We started out talking strictly about kink and BDSM but it grew more into a friendship that happened to have a BDSM dynamic. There was a small period that we paused communication due to our lives getting busy but we have jumped right back into it once everything simmered down on our ends. Besides my best friend, he is the one person who knows me better than anyone else on this planet. We talk consistently throughout the day - he is the first and last person I talk to. We have also had some very deep and personal conversations that I haven't even had with past relationship partners. When we have had a phone call or a Facetime call it has been for hours and it comes very naturally. I caught myself thinking about him a lot and started developing feelings for him last year but I put that thought in the back of my mind until last week. I am head over heels for him. My best friend told me I should tell him but I do not want to make things awkward if he does not feel that way. Is this normal?

I have two submissives but am unsure what tasks or punishments to give them next. I'd love to hear any ideas or suggestions from you wonderful folks!

My [m24] Dom [m26] wants me to wear something under my clothing that will keep me slightly stimulated at all times, but he and I aren't sure what -- if any -- options we have. Particularly, we are interested in a type of underwear; laced panties are what we are using now, but beyond the nervous feeling I get in public, they don't really do anything stimulation-wise unless I get excited and I start to brush up against the lace. We were thinking of different materials, someone suggested sandpaper (we've tried that on my nipples before and it worked very well) but we are running out of ideas. Anyone have any suggestions?

Edit: We are looking for something specifically wearable; like how you can wear rope harnesses under your clothing. We are open to buying things to try them out!

Hi, I'm pretty new to the whole powerplay thing and even tho I already have some experience I wanted to ask here if anyone has got some advice on how to dominate/punish the submissive part.

I've already done some (mild) breath control (obviously with precautions not to seriously hurt the other one) also some hitting/spanking and some wax play.

I'm just running out of ideas and would be happy to have experienced people help me :)

Hi everyone,

I’m a guy who’s been thinking a lot about the dynamics around threesomes and sharing one’s partner, and I’d really like to hear others’ experiences and thoughts on this.

For me, it’s important to understand how other men handle the feelings and thoughts that can come up when their girlfriend or wife brings pleasure to another man. I have a few specific questions, like: What’s it like to see your partner putting effort into pleasing another man? How do you process knowing another man might be giving her pleasure in a way you might not be able to? And if feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, or possessiveness arise, how do you deal with them?

Since I don’t have much experience with this, I also realize there may be important aspects and emotions I haven’t yet thought of or asked about. If those of you with experience in this area could share any insights, feelings, or situations you think are important to prepare for, it would mean a lot. My partner means a great deal to me, and I want to be sure we approach this in a way that strengthens our relationship rather than risks anything negative.

Any advice on approaching this in a healthy and constructive way, or good reading recommendations, would be incredibly valuable. Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts!

2 doms and 1 submissive.

Probably a dumb question.

Is anyone in one?

How does it work for you?

Do all 3 play together, do both doms have different rules/punsihment for submissive,things like that,etc?

Just a general question for anyone to respond

My gf mentioned to me being tied and gaged, and I’m happy to indulge, but I’m scared about her not being able to communicate with me. She also wants to be overstimulated.

What is a safe method we can use (obviously not words or tapping) to ensure that I give her what she wants without accidentally pushing her past her limits?

For reference, my top is 36[M] and I'm the sub, 34[NB].

I'm asexual so there won't be any play involving touching genitals or penetration.

The scene is going to be a punishment role play with impact play and mouth soaping, maybe some age-play cuz i will be role-playing as a teenager in high-school for this scene.

As the sub I'm going to pretend to be in trouble for something like lying or being mouthy (suggestions on things to pretend to earn these punishments are welcome).

My top is going to be playing the part of an authority figure like a parent or principal who is punishing and correcting an errant teenager and he is going to give me a pretty harsh spanking and probably use a variety of impact toys on me.

Do any of you have advice or even maybe some things you might like seeing that we could try to add to our video?

Thanks in advance!

My sub loves kinky clothing, dressing for me and looking hot but she isn't a huge fan of standard things like lace.

I've spent a few hours this morning looking for a stealthy kinky clothing brand - things like easy access, crotch-less, butt flap, body suits stuff like this which are not lingerie or lace but rather softer and full fabrics. I've ordered some amazon stuff to experiment but would like high quality pieces.

If anyone knows about brands which might be useful, please let me know!

Hi all, recently I (F19) got out of a 2 year relationship with my ex (M20). We’ve discussed CNC before but we never really went into details about safe words or signals or such. A few months ago I came over while i was sick with a fever and he really wanted me to suck him off so I agreed to do it for a minute and then Id pull off. Unfortunately he did not let me pull off after i tried and was hitting his leg and i ended up crying and throwing up. We talked about it a month after because i refused to suck him off since then and he said it wasn’t wrong because we had talked of CNC before so im very conflicted on how to feel about the whole situation.

I (36 MtX with a genital surgery, into RACK,) recently got into the very involving practice of deep sounding (urethral sounding down to the bladder). I’m doing okay with hygiene and non-contamination procedures however I’m worried about systematically having a bit of blood in my secretions. I go very gently and start by using small diameter smooth silicone probes which go through and inside very easily and without any trace of blood. However, when I switch up to higher diameters and ribbed probes, I eject a bit of blood with my urine. It’s really traces, so it should be mostly fine I guess but, still.

I have a kink-friendly MD that I can consult with but he’s not a urologist, so asking around here from other practitioners who may have experienced that before: is it something to be expected, something I need to improve with my technique, or?

No continued bleeding happens, and no visible hematuria is observed during post-act miction or when I release after removing the probes, so that’s a good thing I guess already.

Hello everyone,

If you’re curious on what I’m talking about, you can find my initial post on my profile. Basically, I had this Dom I was with in a Polycule, me (20FTM) and him (42M). Our dynamic was only 4 months long but in that short amount of time we were in a complete power exchange and a father/son paternal dynamic. I felt I was in a bad situation and closed off the dynamic pretty suddenly. I told him I didn’t want it anymore, stated my reasons, and ended it promptly afterwards. Mind you, I’ve communicated with him and felt like I was going no where with the whole dynamic.

He then reached out to me yesterday morning wanting more closure, which turned into lots of fighting and big emotions. He told me I “betrayed” him and the Polycule, and how he apparently “didn’t mean much to me” which in-turn, he did. He told me we could’ve discussed this more further with separate conversations and found a compromise, and how I wasn’t considering his feelings. It was a mess and made me feel horrible for the rest of the day. I felt like I had to compromise in that moment and ask him if he still wanted to consider being friends/father and son (since we did have a paternal aspect to our dynamic). To which he told me he would “think about it”, which made me even madder because I felt like I was not being considered in the slightest. He then stated there was so much more to our dynamic than BDSM, and how I was being inconsiderate and uncaring of that.

I woke up this morning to a message telling me how I feel about the situation. Aka, I didn’t care about him or the pack very much. He said he was going to do a bunch of healing from this, and left it there. I feel happy that he’s not going to contact me anymore, but I also feel like a shitty person for not having sit downs with him and the pack before ending everything. But I also feel like it’d result in the same exact feelings. Am I in the wrong?

Hey, my friend and i want to try out shockplay. Is there any shop i can first get Toys off? (we're from Germany)

What are some must knows and safety precautions to be aware of?

What should we start with? Collar, stick, etc.
Tysm in advance :>

Hi everyone Recently i decided to try more extreme self bondage where i feel like im tied by someone else and really hopeless. Do you have any tips how can i tie myself in such a way, what should i use (rope,cuffs etc.). Also what would you reccomend for me to use to keep myself tied for set period of time. What do you add for more pleasure while you are tied up. Thanks for any help