I’ve beginning conversations with someone to see if we’d be compatible play partners. He’s sent me a list of questions & has invited me to do the same if anything comes to me. One of his questions is “What do you offer as a play partner?”

I want to say 1) Honest, straightforward communication 2) Willingness to try new things

But I feel like this isn’t enough? I’ve never received this type of question before & I’m getting stressed out. I kind of want to back out of the whole thing. But I also think the question is reasonable and it’s potentially a problem that I don’t have more than I’ve share here as a response to it.

Thoughts or advice?

Im just figuring out i like being a dom and honestly looking its really hard. Im 18 so a lot of people i tend to message either are OF creators or they ghost. Is there a sub for it?

Hi guys,

I really need your help please.

I am a sa survivor and I'm also kinky.

Do you guys think it is possible to find a daddy Dom who understands trauma? and who won't abuse my trust? who would help me explore without pushing too far? who likes me to be submissive, but will not abuse (such as degrade, devalue, speak harshly). I like daddy Dom because I like compassion and empathy too. I've been hurt by very sadistic people and I didn't like it. I like asking for permission, following, being taught, and being cuddled/protected.

I would like a real relationship with this person, of intimacy and trust. I have only been with 1 person since my abuse. So it's important to me that this person actually is my partner.

Do you guys think this is possible? I feel scared, hopeless, and unsure this person could exist.

My husband wanted to try adding some choking into our sex. I am thrilled but know we need to do some research before trying it. Any helpful tips would be much appreciated!

My friend and I have been hooking up for ~6 months and recently introduced some kink. We're both kinky, but I definitely have more experience/knowledge between the 2 of us. We've been doing scenes that involve her being rough and degrading/"using" me, which we talked a lot about beforehand including that I'm only ok with scenes while in a specific headspace. We didn't pick a safe word since we didn't discuss CNC.

We were having a quickie (which I assumed would be vanilla and I didn't think she would assume I was in the headspace for a scene) and she started doing some scene-only stuff, mostly being rough and degrading me. At one point though, I moved back a little and she grabbed me and said "are you running from me?" and pulled me back into her. Later, I told her to be gentle and she pinned me and said "give me a good reason why I shouldn't just use you". Both of these shocked me and I froze and didn't say anything. I know if I had said "stop" she would have immediately and it's not her fault I froze, but I was shocked she just . . . did that without us discussing it.

A lot of it came down to miscommunication (especially with me not explaining when I'm in the right headspace and freezing during sex), but I'm still freaked out by how she didn't check in when I was acting really different and how she assumed we were doing a scene without asking or even me implying I wanted to. I know she is really new to kink so a lot of it boils down to ignorance, and I definitely had some blindspots that I didn't go over with her since I assumed it was common knowledge (my mistake, I know).

My main question is how do I talk to her about it? I really have no idea how to approach this situation. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know I need to tell her about it and set boundaries (kink is off-limits now, obviously) but I don't know how to explain it without sounding like I'm blaming her or accusing her of sexual assault. I also don't really know where to take the conversation after "hey, so this happened. . . ." I would like to stay friends with her, even if we stop hooking up. Any opinion or advice is appreciated, honestly.

Thanks y'all <3

Longtime dom here, been into BDSM since my early days, like real early. Every partner I've had in my life I've been able to discuss and enjoy BDSM with which has been amazing. Including my first wife who just blew my mind with how submissive she was, in a positive way. We had the best kink life for 14 years and I mean I still dream about it now. Unfortunately our marriage came to an end back in 2017 after almost 11 years of marriage.

After we got divorced I started dating again soon after and found a woman who soon became my wife, and when I say soon, I meant soon. We were both active duty military at the time stationed overseas and if we wanted to pursue our relationship farther we had to get married for a joint assignment. Folks in the military will understand that statement quite a bit. In the early days of dating I had let her know that I was heavy into my partner wearing skirts and spandex because I loved pairing those with bondage. In the beginning she was skid-dish to the point of talking to her mom who was a sex therapist who assured her that my fetish was safe and would really help bring the emotional aspect of our relationship to levels that she more than likely hadn't felt yet. The skirts and spandex thing for me is a bedroom kink because I love role playing and it helps my creative juices.

At first she indulged my fantasy with the only no-go being tape gags and ball gags though she was comfortable with the ball gags that she could breathe through with the holes. Which I conceded to as I know folks who are knew to the scene can be nervous with some aspects. She indulged my fantasy even to the point of sending me a video of her self-bondage which blew my mind. It was amazing.

Then we got stationed together here in California and for the first couple years it was ok. Pretty much vanilla living because she wasn't into my kink as much as I thought she had been. It went from bondage opportunities a few times a month (which I wasn't a fan of) though 1-2 times every 3-6 months. And that was a far-cry from my previous relationship where my ex-wife and I were having bondage sessions 4-5x/week.

Then it slowed down even more after she got pregnant with our first set of kids to which it happened maybe once or twice during the pregnancy. Unfortunately I couldn't tell you when the last time I tied her up. It's probably been 4 years? I ended up throwing away all of my gear because it just hurt too much to have it. We've talked several times and she doesn't want to do bondage with me until she 100% trust me again (we both went through a lot in our military careers, both of us are 100% P&T disabled due to our military service, and not due to losing limbs, I was a medic and she drove convoy trucks). She won't wear skirts for me because she doesn't feel sexy in them (no matter how much I assure her that I love how she looks in everything).

So now it's been over 4 years since the last time I was able to enjoy my passion and all I do now is think of my ex-wife and how much I miss the feeling of tying someone up and meeting their needs. Hell, I've even thought to myself "I wonder if I can find a mature (I'm 40+) married woman in the local area that I could engage with?" which I know is completely wrong and violates trust.

My wife and I have been through marital counseling and have talked until we are blue in the face about my passion and need for BDSM and kink though here I am. I try and engage in foreplay throughout the day. Examples like today we were cleaning up around the kitchen and she got some of my protein powder on her shirt and she laughed about getting powder on her and I joked back saying I could of done the same thing though in a different form. Or when we are making grocery lists and we go through it together it will go like "bread, bagels, milk, eggs, rope, tape, chicken, steak, black skirts, diapers, wipes..." etc, etc.

It's getting to the point where I actively try and not say anything. Because to me it's foreplay and flirting which isn't reciprocated.

But here we are. Frustrated and lost.

Is there a name for this kink? Are there subreddits / sites for this?

Finally found an experienced dom who is eager to tie me up and I’m so excited, I’ve always dreamed of being tied up and played with. I want to know tips on how to be a good sub for him and how to make sure it’s a good experience for both of us. We have hooked up before in order to establish trust.

just was wondering if its possible to go from vanilla to kinky in the bedroom

for all the trigger warnings that needs to be there, i was today years old when i found out i was vanilla. my gf of 7 months just told me that i was vanilla and to be honest im taking it very hard. It feels like i dont know who i am. for context, vanilla mean when your boring in bed-- at least thats what ive learned. she ssaid she didnt mean it that way but thats exactly what vanilla mean and then she said that im actually good in bed. She then mentioned that theres vanilla sex and that theres boring vanilla sex and i fall under the vanilla sex category but they both mean the same thing. I dont know what to do can someone please help me out. this is also my first time posting on reddit and im quite vulnerable

Upvote1Downvote0Go to commentsShareI was today years old when i found out i was vanilla

for all the trigger warnings that needs to be there, i was today years old when i found out i was vanilla. my gf of 7 months just told me that i was vanilla and to be honest im taking it very hard. It feels like i dont know who i am. for context, vanilla mean when your boring in bed-- at least thats what ive learned. she ssaid she didnt mean it that way but thats exactly what vanilla mean and then she said that im actually good in bed. She then mentioned that theres vanilla sex and that theres boring vanilla sex and i fall under the vanilla sex category but they both mean the same thing. I dont know what to do can someone please help me out. this is also my first time posting on reddit and im quite vulnerable

I'm really really new to cbt and I know that some people are into extreme situations and even castration/infertility but I'm absolutely not, and i wanna know if rubberbanding my balls for an hour is safe. at the time of posting I've had my balls in a blue rubberband that often holds together vegetables in the grocery store and it's looped so that it's basically 2 rings, cutting the diameter of the band in half and i wanna know if that's gonna have any lasting effects if I do an hour, I'm at 45 minutes now and I've been looking for somewhere to post and ask for 15 lol

Hi, my LDR girlfriend and I are looking for answers about something we've experienced that may be very obscure in the scene. We're both new to all of this but I've been bringing her into subspace for awhile now and as she has gotten deeper I've been coming up against a personified mental entity/being (it's gendered [male], and she can tell me what he 'looks like'). She is aware of the entity's existence, and previously considered it her internal monologue/critic, but it seems to be more than that. This entity fights for and often lately has succeeded in taking control of her body, as if she is possessed to some extent. It hurts her physically and mentally (she is a masochist). Actively resisting my guidance and commands. When she comes down from subspace she has trouble remembering anything more than a vague impression of what happened.

We have both considered the possibility that she has Dissociative Identity Disorder but neither of us think that's necessarily right either. Through the limited information I've gathered, this may be 'Sammy Space'?. I partially think we have gone way past that and in what feels a bit like a Deathmatch between the entity and myself trying to keep or regain control/guidance of my girlfriend while she's in space.

As far as terms/labels are, she is a brat and I am a soft Dom/pleasure Dom.

Thanks guys, hopefully someone can give some information on steps forward as it's making the experience of subspace for us both not very pleasurable and I'm worried for her safety both physically and mentally when we get to those depths.

I'm pretty new to the community, dabble a bit with an ex who was inexperienced as I was. I know for sure I'm a submissive. I join BeeDee and started talking to Dom. We made plans to meet next week. But before we meet, he suggested we video chat so we can get comfortable with one another. I agree to that and wonder what kind of questions should I be asking?

I'm turned on by my gf completely disregarding boundaries we set. Off course this might be problematic in the long run so I'm asking if anyone has experience with this, or has any thoughts or suggestions

I love my boyfriend so much and I love how patient he is with me. I’m a bi women who’s only been with women in my past sexual and romantic relationships. I’m not ready to have sex yet due some personal and physical reasons, and he’s completely fine with it and is so respectful. Instead of sex, we make out a lot. He’s really into being choked and scratched, but mostly being choked. Like I said, all my previous sexual partners were women and their necks were smaller and more gentle (if that makes sense?) but my boyfriend’s neck is bigger and more muscular. Now I wouldn’t say I’m small, but I am slim and smaller compared to him, a buff gym bro. My small hands can’t really choke and I have to apply some of my body weight to restrict some of his airway. How can I improve choking if I’m smaller and weaker than him? Idk if those gripper exercise things would help but I’d pick them up. On to the next question, he said he’s really into the idea of a goth girl (me) spitting into his mouth. I’m a terrible spitter. I always get dribble and just a string of saliva when I need to spit. I want to spit in him mouth, but I don’t know how to spit, let alone in someone’s mouth. So, how do I spit and how do I spit in his mouth? And any other tips on choking?

I’m a (24m) and I’m pretty submissive sexually, I’ve been hooking up with a (27f) who is a switch but very dominant with me. I’ve tried being dominant sometimes and it just feels so foreign. I think it’s because I’m so into pleasing my partner and doing what they like that I don’t really care about “taking control”. Is it normal for guys to be fully submissive and not a switch or dom?

Hi Reddit I contemplated wether this belonged in other relationship advice groups, but I feel like the BDSM element is too important, and this group feels more accepting and understanding.

I'm sorry if this post becomes long, but I'm feeling incredibly lost atm.

A little over a year ago, I got out of a long, turbulent, and bad relationship. The relationship had been pretty vanilla, so feeling good about finally being out of it i got some confidence to go explore stuff I hadn't been able to previously. (The relationship being bad has no connection to sexual preferences, but the confidence of finally leaving gave me a boost to explore stuff I had previously been to shy to admit I liked)

The thing is though, I feel so lost in the dating world, and specifically the bdsm dating world. I've known for a long time that I love the d/s dynamic, and various kinks that can play along with it. But I'm really craving a serious relationship. I keep going on dates in the community, but it never goes anywhere. Maybe we have a nice date, got the same interests and I feel like we got chemistry, maybe we have sex. And then i get rejected after the next date or a couple of days later.

And the cycle continues on and on. I find it hard to balance wanting something serious, committed and long term, but also needing to figure out whether I'm sexually compatible with someone before entering a relationship. Dynamics and kinks has a lot of nuance and can be so individual. I feel like a lot of the people I meet are mostly interested in sexual exploration with little to no commitment, even when I state I'm looking for something deeper or more serious before meeting. In some situations i feel like im "used" (in a not fun way 😅) Being a sub makes this extra vulnerable. I'm monogamous too, and I feel a lot of people in the community tends to lean towards various degrees of open relationships. At least where I'm dating.

I'm getting so insecure in this cycle of endless dating, feeling like I'll never meet a match who can match all aspects of life. Daily life and interests, sexual preferences, ideas of what a relationship should be and so on.

I'd love to find someone where dating just feels nice and uncomplicated. Where you can hang out, go on dates, spend time cuddling. While also having a great time exploring sexually. I've been working on my self-esteem, and often get shy when first meeting a person. And I often feel like I never get to fully open up, before I'm rejected or shut down... and I can't help but feel like something is wrong with me.

Idk what kind of advice I'm really looking for. But if anyone has ever felt the same, or maybe even managed to meet their forever partner, it would be nice to hear the stories and some advice ❤️

My wife and I have been married 10 years and have had some mild kink play. Like tying her up, spanking her, choking her, etc. if we’re being kinky it’s me being Dom and her sub. Though she doesn’t like being too submissive and doesn’t like to yield power.

Outside of the bedroom, for years we have had power struggles. My wife has very high expectations and likes things done her way. This has been challenging in our marriage at times because in all my other relationships, I was the one in charge in most things and my girlfriends took passive or submissive roles.

I’ve always been kind of skiddish about my ass. My wife likes to sneak up on me and grab my butt and see me squirm. She continued to push the envelope. I never objected because it wasn’t a limit for me or anything.

The last few months, my wife hasn’t gotten more bold about it, and started rubbing her finders in my crack during showers and tickling at my butthole. Recently, we were fooling around and she was blowing me. She started playing with my ass and next thing I know she slid her finger, apparently prelubed, into my ass. I nutted almost instantly.

Since then we’ve been doing this more and more. It’s been enjoyable and my wife has worked up to multiple fingers now and even a small plug.

I dont know if she’s always had this interest or if it’s recent, but she’s really into it. Lately, she’s been talking about getting a strap up and keeps telling me how much she wants to fuck me. I’m honestly intrigued but at the same time I’m concerned about the ramifications of submitting to her. I don’t want this to morph into her dominating me in other aspects. She’s such a strong woman and I worry that she’s trying to dominate me in more than just bed.

Any advice for navigating this?

Let me preface this with I completely and wholly want all of us to grieve and not rush things and just want any advice from other people that have unfortunately dealt with similar circumstances.

My MIL passed away last year suddenly and were still trying to come to terms with our day to day. She was a wonderful woman who was more of a mother to me than my own. My inlaws lived with us, and now we take care of my FIL.

Of course, our dynamic has taken an indefinite pause because at any point and time, any one of us can be fine and then the next minute not and sex was by no means a priority and we just focused on taking care of each other.

But we both want to have the spark back like before, and know we gotta work through the depression together, but it's hard to get into that headspace, more so for him as a dom. How do I help my husband feel like he did before? How do I even help myself? It is really just a matter of letting time heal us?

I don't expect there's any "one size fits all" answer but any tips, advice, or just words from people that have been down this route... anything. We both feel like we're failing each other in fulfilling those kind of needs no matter how much we tell each other it's alright.

So I’m fairly new to being a dom and I wanna tease/ torture her while she is at work since I can’t punish her directly. Just looking for some sexy ideas to get the mind rolling. Thanks in advance!

So I've been experimenting with self tieing and similar over the past few months, just rope and carabineers for easy release when needed. Recently I've been on a stand still, when I look into new ties to try I get a little worked up and sometimes end up rubbing it out. But when I do, I loose like all want or desire to get tied up for sometimes days at a time. Im curious is this normal or fixable? Or is their a reason why this even happens?

Hi everyone! Long time lurker, first time poster. Working on a project for my long distance pet!

What are your favorite tasks and punishments in a LD dynamic? Things that can be proven through pictures/videos. Can range from vanilla mundane to kink with a capital K! Lol

I’m also making a list of in person tasks/punishments, too, so feel free to drop any those favorites as well!!! 🥰

I recently came in touch with a sub (30w) that suffers from avoidant personality disorder. I wanted no harm, but I Pushed her. She freaked and kicked. I did not know of her social panic disorder. I feel regret. Any way to salvage this? I want to help her.

The title is self explanatory.

I (30F) just met this really nice guy through tinder. He would leave the country soon, so it is not serious, but it is still fun.

I feel like with this guy, I finally got to the place I always wanted, bdsm-wise. He is also very sweet but really lets go in bed, completely dominating me, and it is clearly something he is also enjoying, not doing it because I like it, so why not.

On our first night together he suggested we do anal. I was a bit afraid, but said to myself "Why not try? Why be afraid of new things?" and it was really awesome (and actually, it was much easier than vaginal sex). Afterward, I tried rimming, receiving, and getting, and again, getting choked, getting slapped... and again it was awesome.

Then... I thought about something I would really like to try. I thought about asking him if he would like to have MMF threesome where they both dominate me, and if he has a friend that he trusts would be respectful and gentle (o.k, maybe not gentle and respectful all the time, but you know what I mean...), and of course also *he* will feel comfortable with. I was talking about it with a friend of mine, doing some sanity check, and she told me to go for it and ask him.

But I can see the other things that can go wrong. He told me he had never done anything involving group sex. So in the other things, he had experience and knew how to walk me through it. Also, maybe we just got to know each other, and adding a new person to that dynamic can get things complicated... and we only have two weeks together, and maybe having such a thing should involve more preparation?

What do you think?

My dom (48M) and I (27F) use the stop light system as our safe words, red: immediately stop, yellow: I’m not done, but slow down and check in with me, green: all good. Sometimes I struggle with being too soft spoken during a scene and there has been one instance where he did not hear me safeword. What physical cues do you use as a “safeword”? Tapping out (I do this during head due to my gag reflex but we’ve agreed it doesn’t mean stop) or simply getting up are not an option. TIA.

Hi, so I met this guy a year ago and we’ve had a very intense push pull dynamic. He sort of turned me into a sub without telling me what was happening. Today, he finally admitted that he wanted to control me all along and make me more and more submissive every time we met.

I replied with a fairly firm message asking for some more honesty and kind of calling him out on not telling me about his intentions before, because it was emotionally quite painful. He dangled the possibility of a relationship when he clearly had no intentions for it. I no longer have an emotional attachment to him because he’s clearly not a good person, but I enjoy the sex and would like something purely casual with the power play. I need some guidance on navigating this as a naive first timer. Not sure how firm I should be, as it might ruin the sub/dom dynamic. Worried I scared him off already.

Edit: seems like this situation isn’t ok. Can someone tell me how to get over him? Because even with the knowledge that he was abusive, I’m still obsessed with him physically since he’s the only person I’ve experienced this intensity with.

So I'm seeing someone and it's amazing. We both like being in control but also having control taken from us, and have a good balance of switching roles as we need to.

Eg on days I'm feeling overwhelmed with things he becomes more dominant and vice versa.

However, he very much likes punishment and I don't fully know how to embrace that for him.

I want to make him feel good and the idea of punishing him feels the opposite of that.

We just had a situation that shed a bit more light on things for me; he struggles to eat regularly and was getting distracted with some sexy thoughts which I was encouraging. However I remembered he was eating and asked if he still was?

He said sort off but asked if I wanted his hand round his cock, and I said I did but not til he'd finished eating. I don't embrace a strict dom style role, more gentle innocent with control.

He said it made him giggle because he likes punishment and making him wait to continue til he'd finished eating was just that.

I thought delayed gratification and punishment were different things?

Now don't get me wrong, he's told me a previous partner has whipped him in the past and he liked it - but it seems there was no conversation about then when, why, how, limits etc.

Honestly any guidance on how I can embrace "punishing" him or how to figure out more about what he means by that, what his limits are etc. would be amazing!

Helloooo :3

My wife and I are getting into cumplay together. We really like the idea of just being covered in cum and cumming over and over.

We need some advice though. After the first time cumming, how can you get around the refractory period? Any advice to keep going after cumming the first time to really be able to enjoy cumplay at it's fullest?

Any advice or even just general ideas for cumplay are totally welcome :3

Thank youuuuu!

Hey new person here . Really confused about how it all works ( bdsm) My and my boyfriend have been together for like 3 yrs now and we have never done anything like this . I do fantasise about me being tied up and i sometimes told this to him casually . He lives in an other cuty and we meet every month or so . So he is coming to meet me this time on my birthday and I saw that he ordered bdsm kit for us.

I dont know what to expect . I am really scared at this time . A little bit excited but scared as I have no experience or knowledge . Will really appreciate if someone can help this girl out . What to expect and how to prepare . He always has wanted to do backdoor but I have been scared .

Hi all. I read all your lovely posts about how dreamy subspace is, about how non verbal, and empty headed it leaves you, and I don't seem to ever get there. I love being submissive, but I never get to the floaty, empty head that I hear about? How do you get there? What am I doing wrong?