My birth mother didn't want me, left me with her friend to babysit and never came back for me. That friend ended up adopting me as a baby and became my mom. Unfortunately, my mom treated me horribly my entire life up until her death last year. Even as a child I didn't feel welcomed in my family. I was constantly being mistreated, blamed for things I didn't do, beaten, verbally abused, bullied, and just overall horribly. Not just by my mom but by my entire family! Especially my grandparents and no one in my life ever stuck up for me. I don't know what I did to deserve any of it. I have a cousin who isn't related to our family by blood either (mother had her with a different man) yet my entire family loves her and never once treated her the way they treated me. My mom died last year of cancer and not one person ever checked up on me aside from the day of her memorial service. Her debt got passed down to me while I barely had enough to pay my own rent meanwhile my aunt and uncle make well over 100k. But no one wanted to help. While I was struggling to pay off her debt they were using the left over money on her debit cards to order themselves food. But never once thought that that money should be used for her debt. Still, no one thought to check in on me. They scattered her ashes without inviting me or even letting me know and the only reason I found out was through a Facebook comment. I watched my mom take her last breaths and was her only child but they didn't even include me in scattering her ashes, but they invited my uncles girlfriend who told my mom she should "hurry up and die" but didn't think to invite me. On what would have been her birthday they all went out to celebrate but didn't invite me. My mom and dad divorced almost 10 years ago so it doesn't really bother me that he's remarried. He got remarried this year and invited my partner and I but it feels like we were only invited as entertainment for music. They didn't even let me sit up front in the ceremony to watch my own dad get married. When it was time for the reception everyone was saying how they were excited for them to have kids all while I was there, it felt like no one even knew that he was my dad and he didn't mention it either. His wedding was actually the week of my birthday so I couldn't do anything for my birthday because all my money was used to travel to the wedding and when they picked my partner and I up there was a gift in the back seat and I thought it might be for me from my dad but his wife said, "Oh, you can put that gift in the back it's for my nephew". It almost felt like a joke but it was very much real. I'm not materialistic or expect people to give me gifts for my birthday but it just seemed silly. Now, they are trying for a baby and even though I'm almost in my thirties I'll never forget when my dad told my mom he wanted a child of his own. TL;DR: Always forgotten

I was adopted. I knewy whole life. 3 years ago I did a DNA test and it connected me to 2 half brothers. I didn't know if they were bio moms sins or bio dads. I did investigation. They were bio moms. Turns out my bio mom committed suicide at 39 years old. So I set out on a journey to find my birth father. Took me 9 months. I found him. And we developed a very close bond. He just passed away 2 weeks ago the day after his 67th birthday. He was sick. I knew he was gonna die but I always wanted more time. I'm looking for songs that describe how it felt to know him be close to him now wish he was here. One more day by diamond rio is a good one. I need help grieving. There was still so much left unsaid.

I was adopted right at birth from my bio mother. The people who adopted me were her uncle and her aunt. I didn’t know exactly that I was adopted until the 5th grade. A kid in my class had said something about me looking different from my siblings (they’re obviously white, blonde/brown hair and blue eyes) and while I’d noticed the differences, I didn’t really connect the dots till then. So I asked and they were upfront with me, which I’m grateful for. I think they thought I’d be upset but I remember saying something cheeky about how glad I was to not be fully related to my siblings because they were annoying or stupid or however 5th graders insult each other.

Honestly I never really thought about it, like sure I was curious about my bio parents, but my bio mother was still in my life, and she had (and kept) my half sister two years after me, and I’ll be honest, I saw what her life was like and I knew that what I had was a lot better. The real mystery was my bio dad (and potential siblings). He was (allegedly) a man from El Salvador in my country for work? Him and the woman that gave birth to me had some sort of relationship but when she told him she was pregnant he told her he’d have no part in it and left. The real kicker was that he had a wife and apparently 6 kids back in El Salvador and he’d been working to bring them over.

I’m not sure if I was a particularly strong kid or something but I ate that shit up, not only was I adopted, but the reality (as far as I know) was even more dramatic and interesting than I could’ve imagined. I didn’t really have any issues with being adopted or anything until I learned more about race and ethnicity. Despite what I knew, I hadn’t really considered myself anything other than white. Truly accepting that part of me isn’t white is still really hard, because if I’m not fully white, then what am i. If part of me isn’t white, especially physically, then I can’t be white. Whiteness demands purity to be recognized as whiteness, and I’m not pure, so I’ll never be seen as white. What does that make me.

I have no real connection to culture or people in El Salvador, I know the name of a man who happened to screw a particular woman and that’s my connection. I don’t resent my parents or anything for adopting me, I think adoption is flawed and has become a pissing contest of “who can look the most benevolent” but the system is no better, ripping families apart mercilessly and probaby selling off a few or more kids to the highest bidder. But I wish I’d been given a real connection to something other than my self-perceived whiteness. I feel, not really a loss, more like a missed opportunity.

More of a rant than anything, I’m not really looking for advice or anything, I just wanted to express my confusion to people who’d understand. Thank you for your time.

So when I was 11 my mom kind of abandoned me and handed over custody rights to some random family she didn’t really know. I didn’t get treated very fairly there but the grandma in that family, so my adoptive moms mother, sued her for custody rights after I told her what was going on and now I live with her. I’m not sure if I count as adopted in the governments eyes since my mom handed over her rights and I didn’t go through the system. I also wanted to know if there’s any benefits I can receive because of this. Like scholarships or job opportunities or financial assistance after I turn 18. Sorry if this isn’t allowed.

Post whatever you have on your mind this week for which you'd rather not make a separate post.

The more I think about myself, the harder it is to describe who I am. I have no clear answers, and if someone asks me to describe myself as a person, it feels almost impossible. Am I truly mean or nice? Because I can be both kind at times and very mean at others.

The main thing is this: does everyone struggle so much when they’re asked to look into themselfs and find a way to describe it? I feel like I can never figure out what I’m feeling or thinking in the moment. I always have to reflect and think back later. It feels like staring at a blank piece of paper.

I wonder if the way I am now is who I truly am, or if my adoption trauma has changed me in ways I don’t fully understand. I want to know what parts of me were made by that experience and what parts are actually just me. It’s so confusing because sometimes I just don’t know who I am or what I’m like. It sometimes feels unnatural being in this body.

Now I wonder: are there certain traits or habits that come with trauma? Like habits you later realized formed because of it? I know it’s different for everyone, but maybe understanding other adoptees experiences can help me figure out what i am doing or need to do. I just hope by hearing more of other peoples experiences can help me get a somewhat better understanding of my own. especially because I am a little young and hoping to learn.

i really do appreciate anything you are willing to share or advice that can help me with it.

And it's so interesting to realize that like it's NOT other ppls normal. For the ppl who are close to me, I've known since childhood so they never really asked/cared. But for some people I've told it's like WOW BIG DEAL! And it feels embarrassing but it's also like geez yea like it would be so curious to some people, to not know anything abt urself idk. It makes me sad

I posted this cuz I saw this other post of a person talking abt a video game character who is canonically adopted, but that's such like a niche fact about the character and has no impact on them whatsoever. But the OP titles the post talking abt the characters father and made sure to put "(ADOPTIVE)" there and I'm like 😂 I guess it just seems so unnecessary to me since it literally made no difference on the character or the content of the post? It's just like yea to most ppl it's something that really does stick out

I’m 17 years old I’ve known for years I am adopted Recently I have been more curious about my heritage mostly cause we are doing genetics at school and I keep getting picked on to answer questions I can’t answer I know my birth mothers name I know she has a sister I know my adoptive parents have met them both I was told the story that my birth father took the house and money when he found out my mother was pregnant

Like I said I was curious and snooped through my adoptive parents filing cabinet What it said in there was his name (I didn’t know that before ) and my aunts name ( didn’t know that either ) It said my birth mother was 28 and had hidden her pregnancy from friends and family. My dad doesn’t know I exist Expect for her sister who it said was distressed when told I was being put up for adoption after I was born It also said she showed aggression towards my adoptive mother when they met with the social worker It also said that my adoptive parents were given a photo of my dad and a CD of photos of my mother and her family. I’ve never seen it I can’t ever tell my parents I read this but I’m worried when I turn 18 cause I’m an adult smth will happen around finding this stuff out or I will never be given the CD idk which I don’t really know anyone adopted The closest to that I have is a teachers whos mum is adopted and she was saying they did ancestry dna tests because of that . I can never do that Idk if I should ask this teacher that if she’s comfortable sharing, does she know what happen to her mum at 18 I’ve not known this teacher long and have already made things weird between us because I told her my friends were making jokes that we were related (we aren’t )

I managed to finally put an arm around my adoptive mum, which is a good step!

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/Adopted/comments/1fpau5l/next_steps_uk

Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/Adopted/comments/1gu4ldm/next_steps_update/

So further to my previous posts, I just received my ancestry.co.uk dna results this morning. I got in touch with one of the names i'd found with a link to my birth mother and am now in touch with my 2nd cousin on my mother's side who has said that she remembers me being adopted and hoped i got in touch one day... so as you can imagine i'm pretty excited to find out more.

Hi, I am maxim sergeevich belousov (Максим Сергеевич Белоусов) I’m 16 and my birthday is February 23, 2008 I was born in Moscow Russia and my birth. Mom’s name is Svetlana sergeevna belousova (Светлана Сергеевна Белоусова) she might’ve changed her name or got married. This is not confirmed her birthday is October 10, 1977 and I may or may not have a sister born in 2002. This is also not confirmed. Please help me any information you may tell me here or DM me in instagram at @m.aksine (note, I am transgender now, a girl please do not be alarmed when you see I am not a boy)

TLDR; Met my maternal bio-family and I'm grateful for how everything worked out. I was encouraged to meet my paternal-family, and wow what a difference, not sure what to do from here.

I recently got in touch with my biological mother, and I couldn't ask for a better outcome. Everyone knew about me the whole time and was waiting for me to be ready to reunite. And by that, I mean... her kids, her siblings, her sibling's spouses, their kids, and my sibling's kids. I have to say, it's been overwhelming, but all very positive!

I wanted to wait and get the story from her before reaching out to my biological father... I wanted to make sure that she was comfortable with it. But, she said that he was a great guy and she felt really confident that he would be very excited to hear from me.

A few hiccups with getting in touch...

It appears that he travels a lot, for work. So, he has a ton of associated addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers but practically no online presence.

So, I've been doing the best I could and just started chiseling away. So far, everything's bounced back—emails, letters, everything. The only thing I haven't done is reach out on LinkedIn, where I found his profile, because that's quite the email to get in your work inbox!

How I got in touch ultimately...

The only thing that worked? Text message (UGH! NOT ideal!) In a perfect world, I would have sent a handwritten letter, but they all came back, as did trying to make contact through multiple emails. I kept it super vague and just said that I had just met someone from his past [mom's name], who I met on [my birthday] and sent him some social media links. According to the read receipt, he got the message, but... no response yet. I apologized for the choice of medium, and acknowledged that it was a LOT to get in a text message, that I had been trying for a minute, and that I wouldn't bother him. He could get to know me via social if that made him more comfortable, and left my email address to respond to.

Other methods...

His siblings are a little bit more present on Facebook, and we have a lot of mutual friends, and stuff in common, so I figured I would try my luck there... so far? Friend Requests Denied.

Should I call it a wash? It hasn't been all too long, and again, I appreciate that texting wasn't the best but only method that I could reach him, but I'm having some difficulty knowing if this is a tried and true rejection. I don't want to keep bugging everyone - siblings, etc. - if everyone doesn't want to make contact. But, I guess what I'm somewhat bothered by is that it would have been easier if I got an email or something just acknowledging that you've reached the right person but I also don't feel like revisiting this at this time. I'm not owed that, but... I find that it's important to put it out there that if your 40-something adult child gets in touch with you, and isn't looking for a therapist, a hand-out, or a parent, it would be nice to at least acknowledge that you are who you are, and you're not up for revisiting that time in your life that we can all wish each other the best. It would be nice to be able to say that "That's totally fine! It's awkward for me too, but, feel free to get to know me or reach out whenever you'd like." and have that be that.

I don't know... what do you all think? What have your experience been with this sort of thing? Has anyone waited a very long time to hear from bio-family? It would be great to hear from people who had a less-than-stellar reunion start.

Thanks, tribe!

As the title said my adoptive mom died. She was 76, I'm 29. I'm tired of people blatantly telling me I should be grateful for being adopted. I am grateful as I have been lucky to have pretty decent parents (despite them not knowing how to handle trauma and raising a child of color), and I have accepted that being adopted was the source of a lot of my trauma and am working on it.

So many people have told me that I do not know loss because I don't have conscious memory or memories with my bio family. Now I can tell them to stfu, I have experienced both types of losses of my a mom and bio mom they have been equally traumatizing and big losses that I will have to live with. Being adopted I am guessing has been much more traumatizing though. Giving both experiences shitty reviews people can suck it.

Lately I’ve been feeling really depressed because my grandma only took me in for social security checks and threatens to kick me out over anything I do that slightly pisses her off why I say she only took me in for social security checks is she does not make enough to pay rent so she basically only took me in for free housing not cause she cared about me at this point I get scared to even leave my room without getting threatened to get kicked out so what should i do at this point the only person I trust in my whole family is my sister who’s trying to move me and her out what should I do besides wait it out

So, obviously posting late at night after a drink or two - or three... or four - anyway. I have had a long, long history of over indulging in drinking and sex and all the things over the years to bring me closer to anyone or honestly anything (not hard drugs - no judgment though) other than my internal feelings. I'm now in my mid-thirties, in a healthy, loving marriage, and I am still feeling this weird, almost latent, feeling of loneliness, abandonment, just something that makes me feel apart from my husband. Honestly, he is absolutely wonderful (*which, rare thing for me to say about a man, lol, iykyk), but he doesn't truly understand my adoption or my adoption feelings. I mean, of course, no one truly does unless they are adopted themselves, but this is really creating a sort of internal pain I am dealing with now. It was, frankly, easier to be alone and wallowing in my adoptee anguish. Anyway, I am looking to go back to into therapy around abandonment issues (Yike! - 1 yike!) and my moderate self medicating (sex & alcohol ... 2 yikes!). Curious about therapies that folks have found useful in similar situations - there are so many variations of therapies. Open to hear about the good, the bad, and the ugly. :) TIA.

I’m at a point where I feel like I’m drowning in the realities of being adopted, and I need to put this out there to see if anyone else relates or has advice, or anything really. I somewhat recently discovered this sub, and it has opened a whole new world of understanding of these feelings I’ve had my whole life. The empty feelings around the holidays, the hole I feel after every birthday passes, anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome all of that. I’ve been thinking about posting for a while, but just worked up the courage and effort to do so.

I was adopted through an open adoption. My twin and I were born into chaos—our bio mom was struggling with addiction and homelessness, and she ended up going to prison for a little while. Both my brother and I were born with drugs in our systems. Along with this, both of my bio parents have children with other people, so it’s not like they didn’t want kids at all.

On top of that, I’m Native American, and in order for my conservative white evangelical Christian adoptive parents to adopt us, the tribe had to disown us. I’ve always carried the weight of that loss, even though I didn’t fully understand it as a child. Growing up, I had a longing to know and understand my culture, but that connection was completely severed when I was adopted. My adoptive parents, though well-meaning in some ways, weren’t equipped to help me with that. Now, as I’ve gotten older, that void feels bigger than ever.

My adoptive parents couldn’t conceive, tried for years, tried adopting internationally, and eventually sold their truck to adopt me and my twin. On the surface, it might sound like a selfless story, but growing up wasn’t easy. My mom has narcissistic tendencies, and I experienced a lot of emotional manipulation and abuse. I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering her or dealing with guilt trips, silent treatments, and gaslighting. Faith was used as a weapon, and it was all I knew. I also grew up hearing how terrible it was for my adoptive mom trying to get pregnant and how “every month was like a loss, even though we were never pregnant.”

I grew up knowing my bio family, and for a while, it felt like I had two worlds—a past and a present—that I could live in simultaneously. We’d meet up once or twice a year growing up, and there was always this surface-level connection, like we were playing roles.

But things changed as I got older. In college, I moved to the same town as my bio family, and my APs moved as well within an hour of my college. My bio parents ghosted me every time I reached out. I’d invite them to grab coffee or come to an event like one of my volleyball games and I’d be met with silence or a “we’ll be there” only for them to not show up and no message or reason given. It was like the open adoption I had known my whole life was a lie—or at least not the connection I thought it was. My twin and I are not close. He was able to leave the chaos before I could and that put a large riff between us.

Now, my APs have sold my childhood home and moved to the middle of nowhere. I know they were trying to start fresh after everything they “gave up” to have us, but it feels like I’m being abandoned all over again. Especially because my husband and I hope to expand our family in the near future, and I desire a supportive family culture (my in-laws are phenomenal, but I hoped my APs could get their shit together and be that too).

I’m realizing that so many of the relationships I thought were solid were built on shaky ground. My bio family has drifted away, my adoptive parents are retreating into their own world, and I feel stuck in the middle—like I don’t truly belong anywhere. It feels like they “did their job” and now they are back to doing whatever they want without considering the impact on me. On top of that, I’m grappling with this deep yearning to understand my Native heritage—a part of me that was taken away before I even had a chance to know it, but also I am VERY white passing. My native features primarily show through in my long dark straight hair, and my face shape. So I feel like I don’t even have the right to know.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you cope with feeling like both your “before” and “after” worlds were slipping away? And for those who have also lost their cultural ties through adoption, were you able to regain any of that?Right now, I’m just trying to figure out how to keep my head above water.

Please see below for a list of upcoming adoptee and birth family supports via zoom and a few in person from various orgs:

Adoption Network Cleveland

VIRTUAL - DNA Decoded: Harnessing Epigenetic Testing to Empower Members of the Adoption Constellation and Revolutionize Tools for Behavioral Wellness with Dr. Evelyn Higgins

Monday, December 2, 2024

8:00 pm9:00 pm

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/news-events/our-calendar.html/event/2024/12/02/virtual-dna-decoded-harnessing-epigenetic-testing-to-empower-members-of-the-adoption-constellation-and-revolutionize-tools-for-behavioral-wellness-with-dr-evelyn-higgins/498020

Adoptees United/Adoptee Rights Law/Michigan Adoptee Rights Coalition

December 3, 2024 4pm PST/6pm CST/ 7pm EST

Q&A: US Citizenship and Immigration Issues for Intercountry Adoptees

Register today and join us virtually on December 3, 2024, at 4pm PST/6pm Central/7pm Eastern, moderated in part by Anna Thompson and Katie Cisneros Restrepo.

https://adopteerightslaw.com/us-citizenship-immigration-issues-intercountry-adoptees/#registration

Michigan Adoptee Rights Coalition

How To Apply For Your Michigan Birth Information, Adoptee Workshop

Tuesday, December 3, 2024
6:30 PM to 8:00 PM EST

Every 1st Tuesday of the month

https://www.meetup.com/metro-detroit-adoptee-meetup/events/304551503/?utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=share-btn_savedevents_share_modal&utm_source=link

Adoption Network Cleveland

DNA Discovery Support Group facilitated by Becky and Oliver

Tuesday, December 3, 2024

8:00 pm10:00 pm

Zoom

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/news-events/our-calendar.html/event/2024/12/03/dna-discovery-support-group-facilitated-by-becky-and-oliver/480539

Adoption Network Cleveland

Birth Mother Support Group facilitated by Lindsey and Nikki

Wednesday, December 4, 2024

7:00 pm9:00 pm

Zoom

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/news-events/our-calendar.html/event/2024/12/04/birth-mother-support-group-facilitated-by-lindsey-and-nikki/480547

Adoption Network Cleveland

General Discussion Meeting facilitated by JJ and Rosemary

Thursday, December 5, 2024

7:00 pm9:00 pm

Zoom

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/news-events/our-calendar.html/event/2024/12/05/general-discussion-meeting-facilitated-by-jj-and-rosemary/480554

Dunbar Project:

Thursday, 5 December

All Adoptees Xmas Support Group

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/all-adoptees-xmas-support-group-tickets-1030928915137?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=ebdsshcopyurl

NAAP

Friday, December 6

NAAP Happy Hour 12.6.24 - Janet Sherlund, Adoptee & Author Abandoned

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/naap-happy-hour-12624-janet-sherlund-adoptee-author-abandoned-tickets-1080526316299?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=ebdsshcopyurl

First Friday Adoptee Peer Support Group

 Hosted By Adoption Knowledge A.

Friday, December 6, 2024
2:30 PM to 4:00 PM EST

Every 1st Friday of the month

https://www.meetup.com/austin-birth-parents-meetup-group/events/301878727/?utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=share-btn_savedevents_share_modal&utm_source=link

Adoption Network Cleveland

Empty Seat at the Table | In-Person General Discussion Meeting facilitated by Amy and Kim

Monday, December 9, 2024

6:30 pm8:30 pm

Adoption Network Cleveland

12200 Fairhill Road, Floor A3

Cleveland, OH 44120

US

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/news-events/our-calendar.html/event/2024/12/09/empty-seat-at-the-table-in-person-general-discussion-meeting-facilitated-by-amy-and-kim-/502778

NAAP

Tuesday, December 10

NAAP -12.10.2024 - Putting Yourself Together After Reunion

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/naap-12102024-putting-yourself-together-after-reunion-registration-1063434343749?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=ebdsshcopyurl

NAAP

Thursday, December 12

NAAP First Families: Birthparents Journeying Together

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/naap-first-families-birthparents-journeying-together-tickets-1080468613709?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=ebdsshcopyurl

Adoption Network Cleveland

General Discussion Meeting facilitated by Kim and Denice

Thursday, December 12, 2024

7:00 pm9:00 pm

Zoom

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/news-events/our-calendar.html/event/2024/12/12/general-discussion-meeting-facilitated-by-kim-and-denice/480561

CUB in person support Greensburg, PA 2pm ET

Saturday, December 14

Concerned United Birth Parents (and adoptees) in person support

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/concerned-united-birth-parents-and-adoptees-in-person-support-tickets-1078634628209?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=ebdsshcopyurl

CUB Birth Family and Adoptee support

Sunday, December 15

2pm ET/ 7pm GMT

A safe space for Birth Families, Adoptees, and those who support us.

First/Birth Parent and Adoptee Led Volunteer Facilitators.

Normally the second Sunday of the month for 2 hours, but for December 2024 it will be the 3rd Sunday, December 15th at 11AM PST // 2:00 ET // 7:00 PM GMT.

A safe space for Adoptees and First Parents to step out of isolation, and join others no matter where they are on their adoption journey. We also include spouses, siblings, children, and others who support the Adoptee or Birth/First Parent in their life. This is a space to check in and share experiences and learn from one another.

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/cub-birth-family-and-adoptee-support-tickets-1079331552729?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=ebdsshcopyurl

CUB writing zoom

Sunday, December 15

CUB ZOOM Writing Group

3pm PST/6pm EST/11pm GMT

https://concernedunitedbirthparents.org/writing-group

Adoption Network Cleveland

VIRTUAL - An International Adoptee’s Perspective: Navigating Adoptee and Immigrant Identity with Svetlana Sandoval

Monday, December 16, 2024

8:00 pm9:00 pm

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/news-events/our-calendar.html/event/2024/12/16/virtual-an-international-adoptee-s-perspective-navigating-adoptee-and-immigrant-identity-with-svetlana-sandoval/500860

Adoption Network Cleveland

General Discussion Meeting facilitated by Dottie and Estes

Thursday, December 19, 2024

7:00 pm9:00 pm

Zoom

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/news-events/our-calendar.html/event/2024/12/19/general-discussion-meeting-facilitated-by-dottie-and-estes/480568

NAAP

Friday, December 20

NAAP Happy Hour 12.20.24 - Marcie and Greg Gentry

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/naap-happy-hour-122024-marcie-and-greg-gentry-tickets-1080440971029?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=ebdsshcopyurl

Concerned United Birthparents – Birthparent support zoom

Saturday, December 21, 2024 11am PST/ 2pm EST

Please use this form to sign-up for the CUB Zoom Support Group on Saturday December 21, 2024 @ 11:00 AM PST / 2:00 PM EST. Note the call will last 1 hour and 30 minutes and is only for mothers and fathers who have lost children to adoption. (We plan to expand this program for other demographics in our community but for now we can only serve parents of adoption loss. Thank you for your patience!)

https://concernedunitedbirthparents.org/zoom-support-groups

Dubar Project

Monday, 23 December

Shania' s Annual Big Fat Xmas Quiz!! - Adoptee Only

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/shania-s-annual-big-fat-xmas-quiz-adoptee-only-tickets-1030949757477?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=ebdsshcopyurl

Adoption Network Cleveland

General Discussion Meeting facilitated by Barbara and Dan

Thursday, December 26, 2024

8:00 pm10:00 pm

Zoom

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/news-events/our-calendar.html/event/2024/12/26/general-discussion-meeting-facilitated-by-barbara-and-dan/480577

MICHIGAN LGBTQ+ ADOPTEES MONTHLY MEET UP

Tuesday, December 31, 2024
6:30 PM to 7:30 PM EST

Every last Tuesday of the month

https://www.meetup.com/metro-detroit-adoptee-meetup/events/304481962/?eventOrigin=find_page$all

Women Adoptee Meetup

Hosted By Adoption Knowledge A.

Tuesday, December 31, 2024
8:00 PM to 9:30 PM EST

Every last Tuesday of the month

https://www.meetup.com/austin-birth-parents-meetup-group/events/303814171/?utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=share-btn_savedevents_share_modal&utm_source=link

Women Adoptee Peer Support

Hosted By Adoption Knowledge A.

Tuesday, December 31, 2024
8:00 PM to 9:30 PM EST

Every last Tuesday of the month until April 21, 2025

https://www.meetup.com/women-adoptees-peer-support-group/events/303632309/?utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=share-btn_savedevents_share_modal&utm_source=link

I'm the girl who's birth mom reached out on ancestry. I really want to talk to her and ask questions. I was thinking about giving her a tiktok account we can talk on. What's your guys thoughts? and what are some questions I should ask?

Do you have any type of documents about how you ended up in an orphanage or information about your bio family???

The only info I have is a newspaper photo of me that says where I had been found and my age.But I saw in the documentary "One child nation" that that information is possibly fake.

If you want to watch that documentary it's about the one child policy and how it afected China.It's a little triggering bc it talks about how they forced pregnant women to abort and how they abandoned babies in the street.

If you have any more interesting documentary reccomendatios pls comment below.

What is everyone’s opinions on celebrating ‘gotcha day’? I personally really don’t like it, it just reminds me that I’m the odd one out, and that everyone else is actually related, I’m just the second choice. I usually go along with it though, it clearly means a lot to my adoptive family and they enjoy celebrating (also the nandos we get is worth it 🤣)

I (F21) am on my journey of reunion/ understanding since 1.5 years. I had some contact with boil mom by writing and got some info and im glad. But after that much time of wanted to meet her, I'm told that she'll probably never be ready to meet me (because too much trauma )

Long story short bio mom hid her pregnancy to everyone including bio dad and bio half sister (11years older).

The people who are helping me (a therapist and a social worker) told me that they saw me evolve a lot in 1.5 years and that im now know my story and everything but I feel like even though I'm more aware of my story and everything, I don't feel healed at all...... I feel like I'll never have all of my answers......

After hearing that, I feel betrayed, angry and like everything I did until now was for nothing. I'm lost and I don't know how I am supposed to go back to "normal" after putting so much hope in all of this in order to heal....

What do I do now.......

Sorry if its a bit messy

I'm an adoptee who has been reunited with my birth mom and one birth sibling who was also adopted. I've tried contacting my birth father, but he denied even knowing my birth mom. They lived together at one point and dated for several years, and he is definitely my father and was with her throughout the pregnancy and agreed to the adoption.

He married after my birth, and from what my maternal aunt gathered from confronting him about it neither his wife nor his 2 kids with her know of my existence. I've found both my half siblings on Facebook, and have been contemplating contacting them but am not sure how to go about it or if it's even the right thing to do. Birth father appears to be recently divorced, so that isn't a factor anymore, though I have no idea how his kids, who he appears pretty close to, would react to finding out about me. What would I even say? Has anyone else made contact with bio siblings who were unaware of their existence, and if so how did it go?

The holidays have been making me super aware of things. First thanksgiving dinner (my previous post) and now I was walking around the house and noticed my AF only have pictures of their bio kids framed and on the bookshelves. I’m at the point where it’s not really surprising to me anymore. I’ve already decided on no contact one I move out. I feel no sense of connection to any of them and I think it would be doing myself a disservice to even try rekindling a connection and the thing is there’s nothing to rekindle because it was really never there to begin with. I’m glad I have my bio siblings though!

So I’m adopted and I still haven’t really gotten solid answers that I wanted or evidence of original parents.

My parents have been pretty open about me being adopted I knew at a young age I was adopted but no evidence of parents.

I asked for my birth certificate at 18/19 but only got a copy of a birth certificate with my adoptive parents names on it. I also asked for my adoption records once and only got a copy of a law firm notification that my birth certificate was changed or requested. Maybe I’m not being specific enough.

Did your adoptive parents tell you your parents names or give you proof or did you have to search for it

Those who had to put in request for records were they accurate?

Trying to contact my biological parents

Came home from work 5 mins late from the set dinner time and my AF and the guest had already finished eating. They couldn’t even wait 5 minutes and the fact they were done means they probably started way before the time they told me. What was the rush for? nothing. And this is just another way they make me feel so othered and continue to be inconsiderate.

Mind you if it was one of their white bio kids they would have waited even if it was for an hour. I was only 5 mins late and they started probably a good 30mins before the set time. As I’m writing this it’s time for dessert. Yay…

Update: no apology and no mention of it. And my AM had the nerve to say “hey sweetheart” to me just now when I went to the kitchen to make myself some food, like nothing happened, as if didn’t walk into the house from work to find them at the dinner table eating away and barely acknowledging me.

I just recently (rather traumatically) found out about my birth family and history. Like I knew i was adopted from a young age but had no desire EVER to reach out. I wasn’t aware that there was a lot of my information surrounding it in our basement (my parents had honestly forgotten about it and thats a whole other story). Regardless I’ve found pretty much everyone on fb and I’m not sure if it’s okay that i practically internet stalk them while wanting no contact. I’ve considered reaching out but it honestly doesn’t seem beneficial to me and if anything i just want to talk to the siblings not the parents although some r rather young so i feel as though its detrimental to their development. I’m just unsure if watching their posts is doing more harm than good if i have no desire to talk to them and yet i want to know everything about them. Also as a side note would it be wrong to reach out
to some of the 30+ siblings but ask them to keep it a secret from well everyone else? Sorry in advance if this doesnt make much sense i dont really know any other way to describe it lol.

I’m a Chinese adoptee, and growing up, my white parents brought me to a lot of Asian adoptee camps, activities, and events. I know they meant well and wanted me to learn about my culture since I was a baby when I was adopted, but yesterday I finally opened up to some friends about how it made me feel, and I am interested to know if anyone feels the same way.

If you haven’t been a part of Asian adoptee camps, basically I would be dropped off for a week with a bunch of other Asian adoptees to spend the night. We were counseled by other adopted Asian people, who were probably in their 20s. There were a few activities and discussions that dealt specifically with adoption, but almost no one would speak up. I was there for all the other activities, like swimming, archery, and games.

I know that all the parents of these kids (including mine) meant well, but I couldn’t help feeling so isolated and excluded. It felt so weird to go to what would otherwise be such a fun camp, with the only reason being that we all were adopted and from Asia. I maybe keep in touch with one person from all the years of camps and other events, but it didn’t have the long lasting effect that I think they were supposed to have.

I did enjoy them, and I learned about my culture, but I felt so small and shy and nervous about going and meeting all these people that I was forced to interact with and speak to, simply because we were the same race and were adopted around the same time. I already had trouble making friends at my primarily white public school because I was Chinese, and now I felt singled out and made to go to all these places because of being Chinese.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I love my heritage, and I learned a lot, but I also have a lot of shame and sadness attached to who I am that I realize I need to work through, and some of it stems from those camps. Does anyone else have similar stories and feelings?

This is not a safe space for all adoptees.

It's actually a toxic space for adoptees.

I literally just saw a thread where people are shitting on somebody who was adopted casually mention that they want to adopt.

I'm seeing way too much of the people that have had a negative experience shitting on those that had a good or decent experience.

I feel bad for anybody that's adopted that's looking for other people that had decent to good experiences looking for others to talk to. Hell, even nice threads get demolished by the self-loathing from some of you. Youve got a lot of hypocritical self-righteous people that are stuck in their own trauma that need to force it on the others to make themselves feel validated.

WE ALL HAD DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES, RESPECT THAT.

I had a decent one, it wasn't great, it wasn't terrible either. It was a place where I had a little bit of stability to jump off into my own life as soon as I turned 18. Did it on my own, focused on working and then education and then moving as far away as I could. My biological half sister had a ton of abuse in orphanages and foster homes that she'll never feel safe in this life.

Late '40s here, when I learned from my adoption was, fuck families, make your own however you see fit. If you had somebody that actually treated you well when you were younger, great, stay in touch. If you didn't, guess what...you don't have to hang out with them or think of them.

/R/adopted is no longer a place to feel comfortable and talk with other adoptees, it's a bitch and moan fest for those who spend their life staring backwards instead of focusing on a more positive future.

RIP /R/adopted You were helpful to me before the cancer rolled in and over took you.

I do wish you all well and that life treats you better than it did and that you find and are able to create your own comfortable and safe version of a family.

I'm sure this post will be deleted and I understand. Don't worry, I'm finally unsubscribing and turning off replies. I hate to, but it's spoiled. (I know I don't have to announce my exit, but after this post those that hate this post will have some comfort in that they won't hear from me again)

Sincerely though, good luck.

What adoption did to us, does to us or is doing to us, has its weight.

That weight we carry has crushed me at times, That same weight has given me strength at times.

Each adoptive experience is incredibly unique, Yet, I've never felt less alone than I do after reading here for the day.

We are so strong.

I think a lot of cases of adoption are couples who couldn't have a daughter/son biologically and think of adoption as a 2° choice to form a family. So they usually prefer a baby bc it's more likely that the baby recognizes them as their parents when they grow up.

I think it's kind of selfish wanting to adopt for that reason alone.You're not thinking of giving a family that cares for that child, you just want a daughter/son bc you couldn't achieve that.

So my question is,what's a valid reason to adopt??