I recently stumbled upon this sub and want to get a collective opinion about my situation. My (33F) boyfriend (33M) and I have been together for about 3 years. When we first started dating, he said he was "dating to marry" and we had a lot of honest, open conversations about wanting to build towards that level of commitment and partnership. In the years since, we've moved in together and supported each other through so much.

As of late, I've been feeling a bit sad because three years have gone by and there has been no talk of engagement or marriage, which doesn't align at all with how adamant my boyfriend was about marriage as a goal when we first met. He would even often tell me how a little voice in his head was telling him to just marry me after we'd only been together a few months and other things that made marriage seem like a legitimate goal and priority, but I haven't seen that come into play at all.

To make matters worse, I recently overheard him having a conversation with his friend in which he said "I could never see myself getting married." This hurt me quite badly, but instead of freaking out or getting noticeably upset, I just asked him about it. I didn't admit that I'd overheard his conversation, but I did ask what his honest thoughts were about marriage and if his thoughts about it had changed over the years. He responded that he isn't sure he still believes in marriage and can't decide if societal ideas are making him feel pressured to get married one day, or if it's something he actually wants. I reasserted that getting married is a priority for me and I fully intend to be a wife someday. He didn't really have anything to say to that. We walked away from this conversation very calmly, no heated emotions, but I think I need to leave my boyfriend over this.

I'm also realizing that I have basically given him all the benefits of being married without actually marrying him and that this is no longer fair to me. I don't resent him and I don't regret the ways I've been able to support him, but this has included giving this man a lot of money over the years when he was struggling financially, which I did because it felt like the right thing to do, and because I thought we were meant to be life partners.

What do you think? Do I need to move on?

My boyfriend (30m) and I (30f) have been dating for almost 5 years now. We have a house together as well as a dog and a cat. Being 30, I have watched most of my friends get engaged and then married, even some who have met and married within the timeline of our relationship. Every time I see a new friend get engaged or we attend a wedding together, I can’t help but feel sad that it’s not me.

The problem is, I feel ashamed and embarrassed to feel this way. I never wanted to be the girl who waited desperately for an engagement and wedding. I have communicated this to my boyfriend and while he tells me he wants to marry me and seems excited, it hasn’t happened yet. He brings up finances since we purchased a home and aren’t able to afford a wedding right now, as well as there being no biological timeline for me because we don’t want children. He also says some days that he thinks we are ready and other days that we are not.

I don’t like the idea of an ultimatum but I don’t know what to do. I have told him that I would like to be engaged within the next year and he was upset that I put a timeline on it.

I’m sad and feel rejected in so many ways. How do I communicate to him that I don’t want to wait forever without feeling like I’ll just get a shut up ring? We do have a great relationship in all of the other ways but I’m starting to feel so much resentment towards him.

I don’t have many close girl friends so if anyone has been in my situation or has any advice I would so greatly appreciate it.

Thank you!

I'm engaging here in what I believe to be good faith. I came across this sub a few weeks ago because I engage with a lot of relationship subs. I have been participating in discussions. And I'm not here to tell you not to date men or that women are better. I'm here to talk about what marriage means to me.

I see a lot of discussion implying that sex, cooking, and housekeeping are the only reasons a person would ever be willing to marry, and withholding these "perks" is the only way to lock down a partner.

As a 36f lesbian in the United States, married for 11 years and in my relationship for 16 years, I lived through a period in history when people like me were not allowed to create legal families, to becoming able to adopt children together, to civil unions, to state-dependent marriages, all the way to federally recognized marriage. When my wife and I met, we couldn't marry in any state. When we wed, our marriage was not recognized federally.

As a person who fought hard to be able to legally marry the love of my life, it's a very odd to see marriage reduced to "wifey duties".

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rights_and_responsibilities_of_marriages_in_the_United_States

If your partner loves you and cares about you, they should want to get the rights and responsibilities marriage brings. If they want to be with you for the rest of your life, they should want the right to make medical decisions for you. To inherit your property. To share benefits. To ensure you're provided for in retirement. To share obligations and rights to your mutual children. They should want to create a legal family with you, in which you share decisions and your needs and wants are prioritized over other nearest kin.

I loved my wedding, but the point was to stand in front of my community and say, this woman is my person. We are family. You all congregated here, we call on you to support us in making our life together.

According to many in this sub once my gf and I got past the first few years of our relationship, there was no way we were ever gonna get engaged, and once we were engaged there was no way we'd get married. But that's not what happened, because no matter how much milk she got out of this cow, my now-wife still wanted to sit by my bed when I was in the hospital. She still wanted equal rights and responsibilities to the kids we wanted (but were eventually unable to have). She still wanted me to be cared for in the event of her death OR our divorce, because she was going to work and I was going to stay home (due to my disability).

I'm not trying to lord my happy marriage over anyone's head. It just makes me so sad to see people settling for this dismal view of what it means to be married, and the idea that a man who sees you in this way is worth maneuvering into marriage at all. Love is real, true partnership is possible, and marriage is more than playing house. Please please consider what I've said.

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years 8months so almost 4 years. Early in the relationship I mentioned marriage being scary because I know so many people under 30 who are already divorced, including him (at the time). He has asked me if I want to get married in the past year, I have said yes and that I would marry him but the conversation doesn’t go past that too much. I think I am ready for an engagement but I always thought it should just come as a surprise to me. Should I bring this up to him? Wouldn’t it sound bad me telling him he can proceed with an engagement? What’s the right way to go on about this? Should I just keep my mouth shut and he’ll do it when he’s ready. I have never thought it was right for a woman to pressure a man into marriage so I don’t want to be that person, but idk if just waiting for it to be a surprise is the normal thing as well?

Any thoughts?

I don’t really know what to think. Basically I have been with my bf for 7 years in April. We tried on rings last year and found what I wanted. He stil hasnt proposed but apparently has it planned Feb or March so in 3 months. I keep asking about it and getting sad and feeling like I am pushing him so much but he says no I’m not it’s just the fact that I keep talking about it and bringing it up and he tells me to stop bringing it up bc I’m going to ruin it. Well it’s hard for me to not bring up bc I keep wondering when it will be and if it’s really planned. I told him he kind of missed the chance for this to be a surprise and that I have a right to know bc he’s taking so long.

Anyone else felt like they were begging but it’s just bc they kept bringing it up? I get what he means but how can I not when he’s had this long. What do I do? How do I let go and feel less stressed about this.

Also My best friend just got engaged and he said he’s been talking about it with her fiancé for like the last year about them both excited to propose etc.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship. I know I want marriage and kids, but my partner isn’t ready for that. It’s tough because his family pressures me about it, and then he gets upset because they start pressuring him too. I’m worried about wasting time in my youth when we’re not on the same page. But leaving him would mean moving back to Florida with my parents, and that thought really triggers me. I just feel so stuck and don’t know what to do.”

Together for almost 4 years and nothing has changed, he also says he can't be a full provider.

(As a disclaimer, I don't think there is any one right or wrong order. What's right for me isn't necessarily what's right for anyone else. As long as you're happy and fulfilled, it's right for you.)

My personal cup of tea is to be good with pretty much all the other steps of couplehood (intimacy, living together, etc.) before marriage, except for having kids. As I have never been married and have no kids yet, I thought it was obvious. I was incorrect; it was not obvious to the person I'm currently with.

It got me wondering how often people are surprised by their partner's perspective on this, how often people have a different perspective than their partner, and—if differences exist—how they're usually reconciled.

My bf and I are both 28 and have been dating for 4 years. We both own homes and we live in his. Have been living together for 3 years now. Every time I bring up the topic of getting engaged, he gets uncomfortable, claiming he doesn’t want to make me sad but that he’s just not ready. I honestly don’t understand what he means and maybe I need some men in the comments to explain this feeling.

We are both in good financial spots, we live together, have pets together, love each other’s families etc. We have even discussed having a small affordable wedding on my parent’s property or at a courthouse. He knows that I do not want an expensive ring or an expensive event so I don’t think it’s an issue of finances. He doesn’t quite seem to understand when I say that it is hurtful to spend 4 years of my life (and remainder of my 20s ) with someone who “isn’t sure he wants to marry me.” That being said, I’m every other respect, he’s a wonderful person and we have a wonderful life together. What do I do? I’ve never been short of worshipped in relationship and have never had to beg for anything. Honestly I feel so pathetic, my younger friends are all getting married and having kids and we’re still “not ready” apparently.

I am curious to know if there is anyone here who can't, won't or is afraid to get married due to the risk of losing social security or department of health and human services benefits that they must rely on to get by in life? I know I'm one of those people. And because of it, it's part of the reason why I'm still single and probably will be for life.

I mean — if I could have a dollar for every time I read a post about a woman practically dragging her man into a relationship with her, I’d be filthy rich!

Women staying with men that clearly hate them — that use them for labor, companionship, place to live, and more. I mean, I watched a TikTok of a guy today, admitting that he literally let his gf buy food for him even when he had eaten — just so he could save it for the next day! Another TikTok of a guy saying “I don’t love you and I don’t want to be here” and she makes it cutesy and laughs at him for being so mean! I’m sorry, what?

I’m so tired of seeing all these American relationships and marriages that are so, so bad. And I’m so so grateful I was raised in an immigrant Eastern European family who upheld traditional values, with a dad who adores my mom; and the other way around. And they don’t have to split bills or hate each other.

News flash: love and marriage isn’t supposed to be “hard.” It’s effort—but not HARD!!

Did anyone ever get a promise ring to signify commitment and love before any sort of engagement ring?

I am a frequent reader of posts in this group and see a lot of LONG relationships without commitment. I understand everyone's situation is different and life happens but I'm really curious as a 25F what everyone here has in their head as an ideal timeline for relationship milestones

-making things official/exclusive, moving in, getting engaged, short vs long engagement, getting married, having children if that is what you plan for.

What is your order and ideal time frame for each of these happening?

I have my own for myself but I'm really curious if it's on par for average

My boyfriend and I are in our early 50s and have been together for 4 years. We both own our homes (about 4 miles apart). We’ve discussed marriage and living together and seemed to be on the same page.

We selected a ring together in July, and I know he has it. He also told all our close friends about our engagement plans in August. This past August, he also flew 1,000 miles to ask my 82-year-old dad for my hand in marriage. He FaceTimed me while he was there with my dad, and I was completely overwhelmed with love. It was such a beautiful gesture, and it meant the world to me & my dad loved it!

I expected him to propose as soon as he had the ring. Since it hasn’t happened, I thought he might propose over Thanksgiving because we met at a Friendsgiving 4 years ago. But he didn’t and I’m pretty devastated and feeling angry and resentful.

Every time I talk to family or see our friends, I feel embarrassed because they want updates, and I still don’t have a ring. I’ve told him I feel hurt and confused about how long it’s taking him. He just says, it’s going to be special, which doesn’t reassure me. I’d prefer a quiet engagement over our morning coffee at home and have told him this.

He spends all of his time at my house unless it’s a school night where he has his kids. We almost live together, but I’ve indicated that I don’t want to officially live together until we’re at least engaged. We’ve talked through logistics over the next 6 months. He plans to move into my house, my two adult kids (20 and 28) will move out of my house to make room for his kids (10 and 12). His kids are with him 50% of the time, and sleep at his house on school nights and at mine (on couches) when no school.

On top of feeling hurt that he’s taking so long to propose, I’ve started feeling like I’m taken for granted. I have a high-stress job but I work from home most of the time. I’ve ended up stepping into a car pool pick up / babysitter role for his kids when he’s traveling. They’re 10 & 12, but have behavioral issues (adopted from alcoholic birth mother) which causes impulsive behavior and a lot of challenges. I love them and want to support him, but with no engagement, I’m starting to feel like I’m being treated as a convenience rather than a partner.

I’m trying to balance my emotions, but as December approaches, the resentment is growing. I love him, and I know he’s a good man, but I’m starting to question whether I can say “yes” even if he does propose. I need advice—how do I handle this? Should I confront him again, set boundaries, or reevaluate the relationship entirely?

My boyfriend(22M) and I(22F) have been together since we were 18, met off instagram and to be very honest immediately things were toxic. We began fighting because I found out while we were hanging out every other day, he was still texting and sexing other girls. We constantly broke up and here and there I would find messages of him with other girls. Through out the years he would break up with me randomly because he didn’t feel like being in a relationship and every time he came back I always got back with him no questions asked. We eventually moved in together at 19/20 years old and well that went downhill very badly. He began drinking a lot, always went out and left me home alone for the most part and eventually when he lost his job we argued a lot more. He broke up with me told me he didn’t want anything to do with me. A few months after that he came back and I took him in, he has cheated on me with a prostitute before and while fixing our relationship he was also seeing another girl in between so eventually we parted ways. We are now both 22 years old and for the most part we are working on our relationship and he has changed he tells me he wants to marry me one day but honestly I feel like it’ll never happen. I’ve always wanted a big wedding and to be proposed to but I don’t know 🥲

my (F28) boyfriend (M32) and i have been together about 2.5 years. i got pregnant w our son last sept and my daughter and i moved in that december. we love each other deeply, we love our beautiful family and home we’ve created, and we have been through a lot of rough times (moving in & newborn life will put you through it for sure) and overcome everything with love, and the basis for all of our conflict resolution has been resolutely on the fact that we love each other and want to be together and we’ll get through whatever disputes we come to. i have never been treated so well and respectfully, and so loved by a man in my life. he is the love of my life and shows me daily how much he loves me and how much i mean to him too.

we have talked about marriage several times over the time we’ve been together. i was married to my daughters father at 20 years old, huge mistake, and we were separated/divorced by the time i was 23/24. i learned from my mistakes with that and i told him upfront when we first started dating that i would get married again, but i’d do things right this time around and not rush into anything ever again. he was the one that first told me that he would marry me someday, and he has periodically said this and brought it up over the years. i love him and i want to marry him, but it hasn’t been on the forefront of my mind until more recently.

the way i see it, we live together, we have two children together (my ex husband is out of the picture, his presence in my daughters life is sporadic at best and bf is the only real father figure she has) and we are both committed to each other and to being together forever. he wants to do things like buy a house, we both need new cars that we will probably buy together, he owns a business. i work for a hospital and have great health insurance, he has no health insurance. there are a lot of financial reasons why it would be beneficial to be married. other reasons for me are that i want to have a public declaration to everyone and each other that we are committed to one another and really make that final commitment that we are really in it together for life.

recently in the past month or two i have directly brought it up to him, asking if he’s ever gonna ask me to marry him or if that’s even what he sees in our future for real, not just saying it when he’s feeling really in love with me. he gets very avoidant and uncomfortable. his mom and stepdad have a loveless relationship, they’ve been together 25+ years but don’t like each other and are basically roommates. so he doesn’t have a great example of marriage to go off of, plus the fact that his mom has always told him that marriage and children are the worst mistakes anyone could ever make 🙄 he had a similar conundrum when i got pregnant w our son, first was overjoyed, then after a couple weeks turned a whole 180 saying we aren’t fit parents, we’ll be dooming our kids, etc. eventually he came back around. he is an amazing, incredibly involved father.

the last convo we had about it, i told him that if he doesn’t ever want to marry me it’s ok, we have children and i love him regardless, im not going to leave him over it and i will make my peace with it, but that the least he could do is tell me one way or another so im not sitting around getting my hopes up for something that’s never going to happen. he got avoidant and dodgy as usual, but then he said that he knows how much it means to me and that he takes that into a lot of consideration, that he does want to marry me and he will. that was a few weeks ago. then last night, i brought it up again, same shit, immediately uncomfortable. he said again that it’s not his priority right now, we have other things to worry about (new cars, his business, etc). i said it’s fine if it’s not in the immediate future, but again like i said the last time, it’s really a yes or no thing, like is it in the cards for us or not. i said it really isnt going to mean anything to me if i have to talk you into it or convince you, obviously i want you to marry me bc you want to, not just bc i want to. he did say again that he does want to marry me and that he will ask me someday.

my questions are: what do i do here?? is he just giving me the runaround and never going to actually propose? i certainly don’t want to give an ultimatum, but i think 2.5 years with kids is long enough to know if you want to marry me or not. i deserve to have my peace about it if its not going to happen. i have also expressed to him that ive (stupidly maybe) given him all the perks of having a wife without being married and how that feels for me. i wont leave him if we never get married, but to be honest i kinda feel like going out of my way to create boundaries highlighting the fact that we’re just boyfriend and girlfriend, and not married, to rub it in his face to put it bluntly. idk if that’s even possible given that we already live together and have kids 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

idk, any advice is appreciated!! thanks

EDIT: Hey everyone, I just want to add in that while I also used to wonder if he was married also, I know he definitely isn’t. I’m not saying that makes it better, but it’s the truth. And for context- I should’ve added in that we are both from south asian cultures which is why this is “expected” from him.

Hmmm where do I begin?! I (32F) have been with my BF (37M) for over 5 years (in January it’ll be 6 years). He lives with his mom, sister, and brother but has to pay the whole mortgage- because his other brothers don’t contribute a dime after their dad passed away so it’s all on him. He has to do everything for the house (get the groceries, clean, fix things etc.) His sister barely helps from what he tells me. He even has to be the one who helps bathe his mom. It makes me feel so sad every time he tells me about his siblings because he has to do everything himself, and it’s hard and mentally draining. I have no problem with him helping family but I’m feeling so resentful lately because he’s been covering the bills for over 10 years now and has never set boundaries or anything. He put his goals and life on hold, working 50 hours a week for years. I asked “Don’t you ever feel like you need to be in a new environment?“ or “Don’t you feel like you deserve to have your own life eventually too?” And his answer is “Yeah, but I can’t leave my mom alone.” I feel I basically got my answer right there , but part of me still feels guilty and feel like I’m being selfish.

I’ve been internally battling with this for about 2 years now, but lately I can’t ignore this feeling that I’m going to be waiting forever for him to be able to move on with his own life. His brothers get to do whatever they want but he has to be the go-to one to do everything for everyone. And in return, I’m the one who has to sit and be patient for him to somehow figure out how to balance his family and me. I don’t get why everyone else in his family gets to be free and he can’t. In the time I’ve dated him, he has met two of his brother’s girlfriends and in addition, his brother has already bought two houses.

I’ve brought up my concerns to him MULTIPLE TIMES but it never really ends with a concrete answer, and no clear timelines or anything.

He says he wants me to meet his family “soon” but I just don’t see him leaving his family anytime soon. He talks about moving out of state but it seems like a fantasy to me. and says he wants to provide for me and I’d only have to work part time. He kind of hates his job, and doesn’t make that much to support me and still pay for his mom’s house. Idk where to go from here. Sigh.

My BF and I (both 23) have been together for 3 years, living together for about 6 months. We've discussed our future at length and we both know on no uncertain terms that we want to be together forever. When we first started seriously talking about the timeline of proposing (around the time we moved in together), he said he wanted to be more secure in his job first and get more comfortable with adult life. We agreed that waiting about 1.5-2 more years would be fine. Recently, I've been feeling antsy and a bit impatient about it. Living together has been great, our communication is strong, we have a cat that we both take care of, and we split chores nicely. I feel like we're living as a married couple already, and I'm finding myself wishing we could just go for it and set our commitment in stone. When I mentioned this to him, he got upset that I had moved the goalpost we originally agreed on. I understand why he feels that way and why it's not fair for me to change my mind this quickly, but I don't really know how to be patient and wait around when I'm really passionate about it. Advice?

Hi! I need some advice about my relationship of 5.5 years (both 27 year old partners). Let me preface by saying we started out dating in college with no jobs, both living at home (we live in a very expensive area and have been saving up to buy a house for years). When we first started talking, he broke off our "situationship" the night of my birthday. I was crying, decided to see other people and got over him. He saw me happy, got jealous, and gave it another go. We started talking again, I basically give him an ultimatum and say either you're in or out...he chose out. The next day, he goes with me to a coffee shop and asks me out less then a month later. I said yes.

3 years in I met a guy that was such a gentleman to me (a stranger) that it had me doubting my entire relationship. How could a stranger make me feel more special then my bf of 3 years? I attempted to break it off in fear I could never trust him (not to date the other guy, i just didnt like the feeling in the pit of my stomach), but I missed him so much I begged for him back 2 days after and he gladly took me as we do love each other very much and are happy on the day to day.

I poured my blood, sweat, tears, and soul into this relationship for the past 5 years. Countless sunrise parties for him, homemade gifts, putting constant effort into every little detail but never feeling it being fully reciprocated. Which would have been okay, I knew I always loved him more and had come to terms with the fact that I always would but we could work through anything because he was a good communicator (or so I thought).

Fast forward to Halloween this year. I had a giant party planned, I really go all out to make it wonderful. The morning after, he breaks it off again (completely blindsided me, I felt like I was hit by a train, as I'm sure he did 2 years prior to be fair). He is very passive and let's me make many of the decisions in our relationship. Apparently this has deeply bothered him for years and he has been bottling up his feelings. I of course told him I would listen to him and we could work on communication and we have been having weekly meetings to discuss our emotions which seems to really be helping. (Even though he needs a 2 day system to look at a calendar to make a singular plan).

He told me that he can't tell me he is 100% all in our relationship and needs to see me make the improvements before he can say it. Which I agreed was fair, and of course I would always make adjustments for him as I have always catered to every need he has verbally expressed. But like, how was I supposed to know how you felt when you kept all of the bottled up feelings inside? And you don't trust me after 5.5 years of dating and understanding that I would do anything for you?

The biggest problem at hand however seems to be that he is a mommas boy. Most decisions in his life that he has made have stemmed from her. And she is creepily obsessed with him (I just found out last year that she still had him on life360, at 26 years old, which he shut off after I felt was uncomfortable being watched on our vacation. She literally told us she was watching our car crawling on the throgsneck bridge driving home. Creepy!!!)

So basically his whole life his parents have controlled him and he actually recently had a breakthrough with his therapist that his relationship with his parents affects his relationship with me!! (Which I have known this entire time). So fast forward, a big reason he broke up with me was because his parents told him that they feel as if I am taking him away and they will never see him again when we get married. I believe his mom essentially convinced him to break up with me and he also felt the need to be tit for tat with me for breaking up with him 2 years prior.

There is still a lot of love here and I know I have a lot of big changes to make. I agreed to weekly meetings and hang outs with his family which has been going well. We are both now teachers with full time jobs. We have always envisioned this big beautiful live with each other and the thought of losing that future is extremely painful. However, I am afraid he will always always choose her over me. And that he will always have a poor relationship with his spouse due to his poor relationship with his mother...Any advice?

We started dating at 16.

Let me see if I can get this all down to help in any way those who are waiting. First off, this was mid 1980s to mid 1990s so there was no internet, which I think makes a difference. We didn’t have the ability to come on Reddit and get opinions and perspective.

We never lived together.

He went to medical school so had zero income and lived in a dorm at the school. I was a catholic school teacher and made $14,400 a year.

I had my own apartment and I loved living by myself. No regrets there.

We went together at age 23 and bought the ring (on credit) and then he would never propose. (Major trauma and baggage from his FOO with an intense fear of change). I had major baby fever and wanted to get married. It consumed me.

As he approached the end of year 3 of med school, he started acting out. I was supremely unhappy.

I gave him an ultimatum of “new years eve by midnight“ or I’m walking. Fucker waited until NYE at midnight, and I was 100% prepared to walk. I thought I was walking. It was a terrible marriage proposal. Everything I didn't want and in front of family which I had clearly said numerous times for him to NEVER do that. He could hardly get the words out and he actually had trouble saying “marry”…

Ok so like a year after we bought the ring, we were now engaged. We set the date and I bought a dress. (This is around late 1994). He was in his last year of med school and he was going out all night with his friends and just not acting serious about getting married and on top of all of that, he was freaking out because you have to match with a residency and he had no idea where we would end up, so his intense fear of change was really causing him to act out. There was tons of drama and tears: getting engaged fixed nothing.

By February 1995 I had had enough. Nothing about this was normal or acceptable. Without even discussing it with him, I cancelled the wedding, returned the dress, talked with the priest (who supported me and told me the story of his daughter who cancelled her wedding and went on the meet the love of her life) and took a credit for the reception deposit. Then I broke up with him. WAS DONE.

I was TERRIFIED. Plus sunk cost fallacy and all of that, but I was unwilling to stand in the middle of this mess and accept it.

We didn’t speak for a few months. I was moving on and started talking to a new guy, but had not gone on a date with someone new yet— though a date was on the calendar. Again, I was terrified of all of this. Absolutely paralyzed almost with fear of starting a new life.

Right on time, DH called me like he could sense I was moving on. I told him I had a date and we were truly over and next thing I know he was at my door begging me to take him back. That he knew he was a mess and had messed up. Said he couldn’t live without me etc. Of course, I took him back with skepticism at first. I truly thought it would be a flash in the pan and we would be right back to me moving on.

We went to couples counseling and he put in the work. We reset the wedding date, I bought a new dress and we got married. When my limo drove up to the church, I saw my best friend and asked her 1) is he here? (Yes) and 2) is he sober? (yes) (idk if this still happens but back then it was normal for the groom to be absolutely shitfaced at the wedding and I had warned him that if that happened, I would drive off.

Then we moved away for residency and our relationship slowly righted itself. I think it helped a lot that we moved away from both our dysfunctional families.

So from meeting in high school to marriage was 9.5 years. It’s been a happy marriage though I admit he isn’t the easiest person to deal with sometimes. What can I say— I am attracted to brilliant flawed men.

He’s been a very good husband, an excellent provider, a really great dad and I’m happy. We have had a happy marriage, and I also had to confront my issues which contributed to the turmoil leading up to engagement. We are best friends, complete each other’s sentences and are empty nesters now.

So yeah, 9.5 years. His business partner and his wife went 10 (very similar issues with fear of change and FOO baggage) and they have been married nearly as long as we have.

I don’t know if this helps anyone. I think it’s kinda more lIke 5.5 years since you dont get married from ages 16-20 ya know? But man, I Felt every bit of that 9.5 years.

Good luck to those still out there waiting. I feel your pain. I do think it is important that we never lived together before we got married and I look upon my years of living on my own with great nostalgia. I loved every minute of not having a roommate. (I couldn’t afford to live on my own at $14,400 but moved out as soon as I changed jobs and made more money)

At 28, I was in a nearly 3-year relationship with my ex. I wanted to discuss the next steps, like moving in together and starting a family. I suggested moving in after about six months (at that time we were together for nearly 3 years) and gradually planning for family afterward, but I was open to his input. Instead, he pulled away, and I pushed for answers because I didn’t want to waste more time.

Now, nearly two years after the breakup, I’m still single and wondering if I’ll be able to start a family by 35. Some days, I regret not being more patient or giving him space and thinking that my pressure ended our relationship partly.

My advice: Think carefully about whether you can align your goals and timelines with your partner. Finding someone new takes time.

Edit: thank you for your responses🩷 I will answer each after work

I have a genuine question for those who are waiting for their partner to propose. This isn’t meant to offend anyone, and if it’s against the rules, feel free to remove it!

I’ve been wondering—why not just bring up everyday until they finally do it? And question them thoroughly. If I were in that situation, I feel like I’d struggle to just wait around. I also feel like marriage is a decision that affects both people, so why does it feel like one person gets to decide when it happens? Why should I have to wait around until they’re ready when I’ve been ready this whole time? Especially if we’ve already been together for a while. I think that’s disrespectful to your partner to make them wait around. I guess I just don’t understand—if you’ve been together long enough to truly know each other, and you know your partner is ready for marriage and plan to be with them forever, what’s the problem with officially committing? What’s the hold-up? I feel like I’d start to get offended or even angry with my partner, maybe even side-eye them.

We’ve been together for 3 years and recently moved in together about 6 months ago. He found a huge apartment at a great price in a fairly nice area close to work that we just couldn’t pass up, so we moved in together. But I kept my old place because I didn’t want to break my lease. Well, it’s ending in 3 months. He’s payed the rent in full for our new place and buys most of the food so my expenses haven’t changed too much.

I worry it’s too soon to set an ultimatum but I don’t want to lose my place to fall back on but I also don’t want to renew the lease and pay rent somewhere I’m not living for another year. I really do love him but I worry because he seems to drag his feet on every commitment/big step thing.

It was his idea to move in together 2 years ago but then we went a whole year without doing it. He lived alone at his dad’s house without his dad there, he had the house to himself and wouldn’t move me in there for whatever reason. He initially wanted to then changed his mind and was never super clear on why. I’ve asked.

Also, when we were in the “talking stage”, he dragged his feet on even just calling me his girlfriend.

He wasn’t seeing anyone else, I know he wasn’t. We’ve known each other for years prior to dating. Since we were teens. We’re in our mid 20’s now. He’s very shy and I usually have to give him a push to do things and he always thanks me afterwards for nudging him.

But this is something I don’t want to nudge him into. I want him to do it because he wants to. And the clock is ticking because of my lease.

We live in an area where affordable habitable apartments are impossible to find. I’ll be absolutely screwed if I lose my old place and have to move out.

I don’t wanna be a permanent live in GF. I think 6 months has been more than long enough of a test drive.

Should I tell him the deadline is March?

I should also mention I have a young child from a previous marriage (yeah I’m divorced at 25 womp womp) who is about to be school aged and my old place is in a different school district so it’s time for me to set up roots. Either here or there but I won’t do it here without a ring.

He knows why my previous marriage ended and it wasn’t my fault at all, ex was abusive and got into a lot of alcohol. Current BF knew me as an acquaintance while I was still married, no I didn’t have an affair lol.

Disclaimer: I hope that this post doesn't go against the rules. I read them and didn't see anything obvious. It takes time to write this stuff and it's important to me, please don't trash it but let me know what's wrong (if anything)

Question:

The universal advice here seems to be "if he wanted to, he would" and I agree that it likely makes sense in 95% of the case. But everything relationship is different, or at least I think that mine is. The argument is (from what I see here) usual "I'm not ready, I need to work on XYZ" (30M, 29F). I do think that best thing for me is to leave, but in general the relationship is very loving and healthy and I could see us coming back together when the issues resolve.

Do you know the cases where either (i) staying together until one resolves XYZ (ii) breaking up and coming together after X months/years when one/both parties have matured? What would be the signs that this could work?

I never see this option mentioned here, but in real life I know a number of people for whom separating for months/years at some point worked, and saw this in other reddits as well. Hope to get some good advice here

TLDR:

I did the dumb move and gave an ultimatum. That date is passing- how do I get over the disappointment and embarrassment?

Long story:

My boyfriend (32M) and I (28F) have been together for 6 years, living together for 5. In 2021, he said he wanted to get married. He brought it up here and there but never solidified anything. Meanwhile, I am doing all the wife things (and the breadwinner things). About 2 years ago I said that I wanted to be engaged before my 29th birthday (which is December 14th).

Now that the date is getting closer and closer, I know with 100% he is not going to propose.

It’s embarrassing: his friends and family, my family, everyone teases him about when he’s going to put a ring on it. The teasing led to him telling them about my ultimatum (propose or I’m moving out) and now idk how I’m going to be able to face everyone when I’m still ring less at the holidays. It also sucks going to wedding after wedding of people who didn’t even know each other when he and I started dating.

It’s hurtful: I’m resentful he hasn’t proposed to me. Idk what wrong with me that I’m good enough to live with and do all the things but not good enough to get the things I ask for. We had a fight and I accused him of not being able to propose by my deadline and after a lot of gaslighting- I didn’t think you were serious (bullshit) / I didn’t have enough time and money (2 years plus I pay for everything except his car bill and half the rent AND the ring I want is hella cheap) / amount other things. In the end, he finally admitted that he knew I was expecting it by by bday, he knew it would hurt me a lot if he didn’t, and he wasn’t planning to tell me he wasn’t.

Idk I just need advice. I’m not going to move out or have him move out. I can’t afford rent without him. I am scared to give up the past 6.5 almost 7 years of my life. How do I not feel so embarrassed and hurt?

Thinking about Villa Bologna as my favourite venue but we would be planning from a far since we both live in Ireland. Any recommendations on how to keep it under 15k for up to 35 people

It’s been about six months since I ended things after 10 years... I’m 26F, he’s 27M. We talked a lot about the future, but the subject of marriage never really came up unless I brought it up. We lived together during college but did not move in together after graduating because we felt it was good to have our own spaces for a bit. He’d talk about things like “our kids” or “our house,” so I thought we were on the same page, but... turns out, not so much. I had my own timeline for marriage, but every time I tried to bring it up, he’d get anxious, like it was a problem.

Then, last year, I figured out that his hesitation was all about his family... They’re racist, and he was terrified that if we got married, they’d criticize us. Eventually, he said he’d be open to marriage... but only if there was no wedding—no ceremony, no celebration, just the legal part.

Now that we’ve been apart for a while, I still wonder if I made the right decision in leaving. I know we cared about each other, but I also want someone who’ll stand up for me—especially when it comes to something like racism. He kept saying he saw a future with me, but it always felt like he was too scared to move forward... like his family’s opinions were more important than ours.

I guess I’m second-guessing myself now. Was it too much to want a real wedding? He claims if we got married and didn’t have a wedding everything would be okay but I’m still very worried because he doesn’t want to address the racism or even comfort me that it wouldn’t affect our children and married life. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Anyone else think I did the right thing—or was I just being unreasonable?

Also I’d like to add that I understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage and would be okay with compromising on aspects of a wedding. It doesn’t need to be perfect but I had trouble just giving it up because the racism issue is the real problem.

Both 33. Lived together for 7+ years.. said he would propose last year. Then said this year… now it’s December. :( we have so much fun together, families know each other, great friend group. I’m just confused. Known each other since elementary school. Got together after college. Ugh

I'm hoping someone here who has been in this or a similar situation can help me.

My fiance is 32 and I'm 31. We have been with each other for 5 and a half years. He proposed 8 months ago. At the 3-year mark, I told him that I was really to get engaged and married. He didn't say anything at the time, other than acknowledging that we had been together long enough to know.

I had to bring up the engagement again 6 months later. He had made no mention of it and I was stressed. It was around this time that I was so annoyed that I told him that it was not fair that I was contributing around a quarter of the mortgage and utilities (since I make a quarter of what he makes), since I could put that towards my own home. He hadn't asked me to but I didn't want to live in his apartment for free. He said if I felt used, he was willing to pay me back and that I didn't need to continue contributing. I continued to, for my own self-respect. After all, I would have paid for my rent and bills had I lived alone.

When we got to 4-4.5 years, I often brought up marriage and he made me look at rings and said his grandmother's engagement ring was also an option. It is a stunning ring and we agreed it would be my engagement ring.

It was resized and finally, he proposed to me earlier in the year. I felt a sense of relief and happiness that we got there, but now, with five months left, he asked if we could postpone the wedding. I was stunned and asked him why, and he didn't have a reason. He only said it wasn't the right time.

Following discussions with his family and mine, things have calmed down but I'm scared that he will call our wedding off for good. I asked him if he didn't love me enough to marry me, and he said it was nothing of the sort.

I am under so much stress that I constantly worry. He has been participating in wedding planning, yet at times he's distant and doesn't show the joy that I feel at us getting married in a few months.

I'm finding it difficult and need some unbiased advice, please.

Hello everyone, mod Mintisse here. Since implementing the new rule a couple weeks ago, the subreddit has been a little better in some areas, others not. On the mod post I made about it, I got a lot of feedback from you all on how to improve the subreddit, and talked with the mods about what to do.

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, there’s a LOT to cover here.

Post Approvals

u/Artemystica set up a kick back for when you submit a post saying it’s under review. Some users get confused when their posts aren’t public immediately & send us messages asking what’s up, so now people should know what’s going on.  Thank you again Artemystica for your tech expertise!

Overhauled Flair List

The biggest feedback on the mod post from 2 weeks ago was people wanted more & clearer flairs, ask and you shall receive:

• Looking for Advice
• Sharing Advice (Only active community members may use this flair, random people making posts fitting this will have their posts removed)
• Rant – No Advice Necessary
• Rant – Advice Welcome
• Funny
• Cross Post
• Humble Brag/Positive Post
• Wishful Thinking
• Questioning My Relationship (This is for people wondering if their relationship & marriage is right for THEM and only THEM, general “marriage bad” statements are still not allowed)
• Moving On
• Update
• Discussion/Asking for Experiences
• Proposal Story
• Mod Post
• 21-24 Age Relationships (This is for people who are 21-24 years or younger waiting to wed, in the hopes they get more nuanced advice. However, as explained later, users under 21 will have their posts removed)

Wedding Planning & Rings Flairs/Posts

One thing that us mods got stuck on are what to do with the “Wedding Planning” & “Rings” flairs, and asked if these types of posts are worth keeping around. While this sub originally started for both people waiting for a proposal & waiting for the wedding day, this place has obviously become a support group for the former. There are also actual wedding planning subs that will probably suit those needs better. However, us mods were not comfortable making the call without public feedback.

So I ask you lovelies, would you like us to keep the “Wedding Planning & Rings” flairs & posts for this group?  I would love to hear your feedback on this, whatever it may be.

Revamped Rules List

During our discussions, Artemystica (correctly) brought up we have too many rules, some contradicted each other, and others I felt could use some stronger language. So here's the new rule list:

1. Honor the Spirit of this Sub (Basically the new rule but worded better. Breaking this rule gets you banned, even on the first offense)
2. All Comments Must be Made in Good Faith to OP
3. Keep it Civil
4. Sharing Advice Posts Must be Made by Active Community Members (No more randos coming in on their soapboxes about how we’re stupid and what they did is soooo much better~ If they use other flairs trying to do the same things, their posts will still be removed)
5. All Images Must be Links & Accompanied by Text
6. No Posts on Relationships Under 21 (This is the big one. One positively received feedback we got was putting some sort of restrictions on younger relationships so they could either get more nuanced advice, & the really young ones would no longer have a space to laser focus on the issue. Special thank you to u/GrouchyYoung for discussing this with me in DMs! We discussed that focusing all your energy into marriage that young is not mentally healthy, they don’t tend to get nuanced advice, and that these situations can downplay the feelings of older members. Initially, my concerns were certain religions/cultures would get filtered out of the sub, but after talking about it more with Grouchy, we came to the conclusion those members would be better served in a sub specific to that religion/culture. The other mods had no objections to any of what I brought up.)

Downvote, Report, Move On

I wanna talk about behavior in this sub recently. Obviously we’ve gotten a lot of contrarians lately trying to enrage members of the group with their comments, and we tend to get a lot of members jumping on them trying to win the “Reddit Wars.” It might be tempting to see something that obviously doesn’t fit the group, give them a funny retort or argument, and bathe in the upvotes; but Imma let you all in on a little secret. What these contrarians are trying to do is say inciteful crap, have you argue with them, hope one of you slips up and says something that breaks our rules, and then THEY report YOU, and get your comment removed and potentially banned from the group you are actively trying to support! I’ve managed to catch this a couple of times, and when I do, I try and remove the original bait comments, but God knows there have been some that’ve slipped through the cracks; and the mods and I simply don’t have the time to read every non-reported comment.

So what should you do instead when you see something that’s bait, inciteful, or just plain trolling? Downvote, report, & move on! We see every flagged comment & post, and can remove them way easier when they’re in our queue. If you DON’T report anything that breaks our rules, we don’t see it. In regards to these people coming in and crying about how “marriage is bad” and how the people here are stupid, they tend to get real quiet after not being engaged with & banned. I don't want them here either, smack them with the new rule 1. We’ve made these new rules & flairs in the hopes of making this space supportive again; but as long as subreddit members continue to value arguing with these people above just reporting them, this place will continue to be a battle ground.

So one more time… Downvote, Report, & Move on!

Call for Mods

I’ve mentioned before in passing that I was looking to step down, and now that we’re putting out the fires, it’s time for a new call for mods. We’re looking for 3 additional mods, two to replace me, and one to cover for an inactive mod. Normally I don’t ask for credentials, but since we’ve almost tripled in size in the last year and things have been chaotic, I’m asking of anyone interested that they be:

• People who want to see the subreddit members succeed
• People that have been active participants in the community
• People that will act in the best interests of the group

If this is you and you’re interested, please message us (preferably message over chats)! I’ve had a couple people show interest before, so I will be looking them up and making sure they’re a good fit too. Once we know who’s interested and who’s a good fit, we’ll be discussing who to approve.

**********************************************

I think that’s everything! If there’s anything you want to ask, have concerns about, or any other general feedback, please leave a comment! As I mentioned previously, the Reddit upvote system is too broad and vague for us to understand what people do/do not like. Thank you for reading!