I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 24. We have been dating for almost two years. He is on the same page as me in that he wants to get married and have children. I always want to have things planned out and potential timelines and he takes things a day at a time. We had a discussion yesterday where I was honest about my goals. I told him that I don’t want to date for longer than four years and want to be engaged in two years, he said that that isn’t unreasonable. He did stipulate that he wants to live together before we marry and that he wants to live by himself for a little before we move in together and I told him that I want to be engaged before we move in together (He lives at home helping take care of mom and wants to move out in a year or so). He has been unconditionally supportive and loving, and he has stated that he doesn’t want to waste my time or make me feel like he is. But I’m terrified that he is wasting my time, and that I am running out of time. I don’t know if I should really consider ending things even though I love him and find someone that wants to marry with better timelines.

EDIT:

I want to get engaged within the next two years, meaning dating for four years total!

Guys, if you talk to your partner about getting married, and they say anything other than “yes I want to marry you” they’re saying “no, I don’t want to marry you.”

The first time I brought up getting married, seriously, 4 years into my relationship, he had excuses. He had goal posts. All seemed reasonable. I was disappointed, but I decided to work on myself and try again. A year later the goalposts had moved. And I realized that not yes was a no. And I broke up with him.

We tried to stay friends. That was a mistake. I spent years dating different men while still being friends, and sometimes friends with benefits, with him. I did all the things to improve myself that he had said he needed, and then some. I was financially stable. I was emotionally stable. I had friends and a house and hobbies and a full life. I was attracting lots of other men. But I couldn’t let go of him, so I couldn’t really be with any of them. We decided to give dating another try. And about a year in, I asked about marriage again. And there were excuses. And goalposts. I called bullshit and demanded counseling.

And we did counseling. And he finally was able to admit that he just didn’t want to get married.

So I left. And I went no contact. And it hurt. Worse than anything in my life it hurt. It feels like a thing you shouldn’t be capable of surviving. But cruelly, you do. Your heart keeps beating and you keep breathing, and the next day comes. And the next. And the next.

For the first time in over a decade we were without each other. And I started to get over him. It was slow. It was painful. But it was about fucking time.

From there, things took an interesting and unexpected turn. Today I am happily married. I have an amazing life that I love. I’m 42, and have only very recently, despite decades of counseling, put together the fact that my dad and brother treating me like a lesser afterthought and somehow beneath them set me up to think begging a man to love me was normal. It isn’t.

If he doesn’t say yes, he’s saying no. I could have been happy so much sooner if I’d really understood that.

Hi all! Long time listener first time caller.

I’ve seen a lot of posts over time of people claiming relatively long periods of time dating, saying they’ve been with their boyfriend/fiancé for 10 or 15 years. Then they clarify that there was an actually a break, or they split up multiple times during that period.

A post I’ve seen most recently (and no shade to that poster!) said a ten year relationship with a gap of one year in the middle. In my eyes, that is then a 4.5 year relationship. I’d be interested to know what other people think, as I’ve never been in that position, but I just assume that people are claiming the long relationship lengths to make their relationship feel more “valid” but actually it’s making that sunk cost fallacy more difficult to get past.

So basically: if you have split up during the course of your relationship but get back together, does the relationship timer restart? Does it pause during the break? Is it different if you dated other people during the break?

Hi all,

I (30F) have been together with my partner (38M) for 3.5 years, moved in together after 2 years. He is very kind and extremely supportive and literally everything I thought I wanted in a partner. For example, he’d always prioritise spending quality time together even if he has had a crazy busy week at work, limited sleep and will go out of his way to ensure I’m comfortable. Even little things like eating out, he’d always make sure I’d get the better seat out of the two of us or I get the better looking dish, the bigger portion etc.

This is super important to me because in my previous relationships I always felt like I was always doing most of the work in the relationship.

We both have pretty financially stable jobs, I’ve met his family a number of times and they are lovely.

So it really came as a shock to me when after 2 years, when I asked him if he sees us getting married, he said “I don’t know”. At the time, he confessed that he doesn’t even know what the next two years will be like, if I am in it. He doesn’t know what his end game is, which is crazy to hear for from someone who seemed to have a pretty steady career progression and “life path” so far. He said he has started to feel feelings of anxiousness and gloom about the future. And that he doesn’t want to burden me with it, it’s his problem to figure out.

Over the 1.5 years since that initial convo, the topic has been raised multiple times, with me offering to support us financially while he figures things out, going to counselling together, strategies to manage his anxiety, etc. All to no avail because after the convo, we dont do anything of what we said and the question whether I am in his future is still met with a “I don’t know”

I believe him when he says he is struggling with his mental health, although he functions extremely well at work and at home so he masks his feelings very well. He is going to therapy by his own but has said he doesn’t feel like it’s working. Throughout this, he is still very kind and sweet. I guess my dilemma is, how long should I wait for him to figure out what he wants in life. I do want kids and I obviously love him deeply, I’m just so worried that time is running out…

1. i am mean on / around my period. I treat him like shit & i don’t let him distance himself.

I acknowledge that I become really moody around and during my period but I really don’t think it’s to the point where “i treat him like shit”. I get really bad period cramps & headaches when i’m on my period. overall, i’m just not feeling great. i feel like there’s a lack of empathy on his end… i don’t him to do anything outrageous, just walk the dog & cook meals for us.

2. not thoughtful enough. the example he provided is how I haven’t thought to stop by the grocery store to get him ingredients for his smoothies that he just started making.

some background, he’s currently unemployed (willingly quit) while I’m still working a 9-5. he also only started making smoothies like 2 months ago…

3. again, not thoughtful enough or think throughly when it comes to certain things. example to provided was that i had forgotten to grab my temporary handicap sign from the shoe rack before we went out. so we had to find parking vs park in the handicap spot.

i don’t think it was that big of a deal. it was the last day of my temp handicap sign so i took it out of the car.. i was already walking normally so i didn’t think it was a big deal to find normal parking. but he’s got me thinking and blaming myself for how forgetful i am… i guess

4. im messy / our apartment is always a mess.

this one i am really frustrated about because im not the only person contributing to the mess. he likes to say that his room is a reflection of how clean and tidy he is so there’s no way he’s contributing to the mess of the apartment. currently split of chores is that he vacuums. i do the dishes, clean the kitchen, mop the floors, clean the bathroom and showers.. we do our own laundry and split on taking out the trash. i feel like im constantly cleaning & it’s always getting messy.

5. i will not be a good mom. he acknowledged that im a good mom to our dog (since i willingly do more for her: walks, handles vet / pet insurance etc) but he doesn’t think ill be a good mom to an actual human. he said im not disciplined enough as a person to be able to take care of an actual child…

6. im lazy. i’m on my phone a lot, scrolling through instagram.

this one i can’t deny. i do lean more on the lazy side & i am on my phone a lot. i am trying to find hobbies but im not into sports and i get bored of things easily. it’s not like i sit around and do nothing all day.. i just like to relax on my phone but will try to limit my time & find other hobbies to try out.

anyway.. what do we think of these reasons? valid reasons to not want to marry someone after 8 years with them?

My 27/F boyfriend 28/M and I have been together for 5 and a half years. We looked at rings in July of 2023, which was totally his idea. He wanted to know what I liked/disliked. I got excited, and waited. Fast forward to December 2024, I started to feel a little anxious, because he still had not popped the question.

After Christmas, and no proposal, I started getting antsy, and started the conversation of “where is this going” and he basically said, “I just need a little more time.” I was confused cause, you’ve had over 5 years? I told him I didn’t want to be a girlfriend forever, and I couldn’t see myself doing this for another 6 months… and he said he only needed like 3 months. Maybe not even 3 months.

Anyway, fine, I respected it. After all, his sister had mentioned that he was talking to his parents about getting a ring in November of 2024, so I guess I rationalized it as maybe he’s saving for a ring and that’s why he set that timeline?

Well, tonight, I decided to ask for clarification on what he meant when he said he needed a little more time.

He specified, he wants it to be me, he wants to get there with me, but he feels stuck because he can’t get there yet, and that is why he needs to work on himself to figure out why he feels that way. He wanted the three months to really focus on working on himself and figuring out why he feels trapped between wanting to marry me but also not getting there yet?

This has me so confused? What does this even mean? Am I stupid for staying to see if he can get there? I feel so conflicted because he is genuinely the sweetest guy I’ve ever been with. We have a healthy relationship, he is my best friend. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified that if he hasn’t been able to “get there” yet with me, will he ever?

My (30F) and my bf (30M) have been together for 10 years (with one break of 1 year in between). We started planning a wedding but decided to buy a house instead and moved in under a year ago.

He proposed to me 2 months ago on a beach in Iceland but it wasn't really a proposal with a speech and all, and i wasn't happy. I knew he wanted to wait for the Northern Lights and he didn't so that kinda upset me too. Lack of patience. Also, no words but will you marry me. He told me he'll do it over after he noticed i was just faking happiness and i confessed my feelings.

The past few months we had arguments about it and i realized he took it as a rejection. I clarified that I never rejected him and i even wore the ring to dinner even after he said he'd do it over. And he was the one who suggested a do over.

So i suggested that he propose on another trip we have coming up and we could exchange words (promises) to each other. (Note that i already "proposed" to him with a ring as a birthday gift guise. He knows what it means and he wears the ring but says he'll switch to his left hand once i get my ring).

I found out he's buying me my dream ring (which is freaking super expensive because my birthstone is alexandrite). I found out because i brought up buying myself a birthstone ring and he started asking questions about shapes i like and so on and he confessed. I was elated to say the least and he was happy to see me happy.

Now I'm wondering if the romance part, that surprise element, and all would be gone and if it's the same. I know not all engagements are the surprise event kinda thing or elaborate but still man, i guess i wanted a grand romantic gesture. I talked to him about how he feels about it and he said it's mostly how i feel and basically he just wants to be engaged already.

We live together, know we'll get married and we already have a joint account and property together, we are planning a family and going to fertility appointments and so on. I mean, it's known that we'll get engaged and married but honestly, it feels so unromantic.

Am i delusional in wanting some big photo session with large "marry me" signs or maybe even something as romantic as the sunset or so?

I "proposed" to him at the end of a hike, on top of a mountain/volcano, with the sunset reflected on the clouds which were below us. It was freezing but i sat him down and gave him a whole speech on commitment and told him I'm not taking away the proposal from him but I'm giving him a birthday present and it's meant to be his engagement ring after. And it's the similar ring in the same design as he had picked when we were looking at rings together. I even made a process of calling my dad and asking if I'm making the right move by doing this, basically seeking his blessings to propose.

So am i being too caught up in the movie fantasy?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and we’ve been living together for 2. Marriage talks with him have been difficult mainly because he says he’s not ready or he’s not sure yet. He as a person changes his mind a lot. He overthinks choices and can be very indecisive. He takes 2 weeks just to pick what pair of socks to buy kind of person.

We talked more and at some point, a little over 3 months ago, he decided that he was sure that he wants to marry me. He was looking at rings and telling his parents. Since he was wishy washy before, I told him that I’d rather that he’s honest with what he feels. I told him he shouldn’t tell me he wants to marry me out of pressure. I also told him I don’t want to get my hopes up and get my heart broken again if he decides to change his mind. He promised me that he was sure and that he wasn’t going to change his mind.

Fast forward to now, he changed his mind again. He’s had a nicotine addiction for about 4 years and he just quit it about a month ago. He says he feels like he’s rediscovering himself and his life again that’s why he changed his mind. He says he’s not sure again about marrying me. He expressed wanting to go to therapy and he asked me to be patient with him as he rediscovers his life.

To complicate things further, I’m on a work visa here in the US. I’m really limited by job opportunities and I don’t think my company will sponsor a green card. I’m also on the clock. My visa expires in 2 years.

Any advice on what I should do? I love him and we have a great life together but he can’t seem to commit to marriage and marriage is something that we will need to do if he wants to stay in the US. Should I wait for him to figure himself out? Should I move on and move out?

TLDR: boyfriend keeps changing his mind about marriage, promising and breaking my heart each time, he is also going through something since he quit nicotine for the first time in 4 years

I (29f) have been with my “ fiancé” (39m) for 9 years. We’ve been engaged for 3 of those years and not a single plan has been made to get married.

I’ve hit my limit because my dream was always to have kids before I was 30 and I feel like he wasted so much of my time and I just let him. I’m so angry at myself.

At the 6 year mark I told him I need a ring or I walk and well I got the ring it just never amounted to anything. I don’t even wear it anymore and he hasn’t noticed. I can’t bring myself to anymore.

I know I have to leave and I’m preparing myself financially to do it but I’m so scared. I’m scared of starting over at 30. I’m scared because I don’t know how to date, I’ve been with him my entire adult life. I’ve never lived on my own, I’m scared of being lonely. And I’m so angry that this is now my life and I just let it happen.

I’d love to hear some harsh truths or some advice on dealing with feeling like this.

Edit: Okay this has gotten way bigger than I expected. Thank you everyone for your encouragement and honest advice. I can’t respond to all of the comments but I am reading them. I now feel an obligation to not let any of you down. I should also address that in therapy lol.

And to the people that keep commenting that I’m not looking at my part in this. I know I played a part that’s why I’m angry at ME for my passivity. And to the few that are commenting why didn’t I just set a date and do all the work that’s usually the woman’s job. I didn’t want a wedding, never have. Wanting a marriage vs wanting a wedding are two different things. And you’ve clearly never tried to make plans with someone who offers no input, alternatives, or finances but doesn’t like anything you suggest.

I've read a lot of posts on here and I want to start by saying we DO have difficult conversations. However, I am trying to find the best way to approach bringing up the engagement topic. This is long I'm sorry!

Here are the timeline and details: I am 30, he is 28

1. He moved into my apartment April 2024, we had been dating a year at that point. We had mildly discussed engagement and what that would look like, but no "serious details" were ironed out at that point.
2. In June we started discussing what each others' goals were regarding owning a home since my (now our) lease was up in September 2024. This was a very open discussion about whether we wanted to rent another 6 months, a year, or start looking to buy etc. This is when the first statement of "I want to at the very least be engaged before signing a mortgage with you." was brought in, and he was very receptive. His response was "Okay great I was thinking the same thing." Side note - this is when I had casually started either sending or showing ring styles from Pinterest or that would pop up in my feed so he would have an idea since I knew exactly what I wanted, and he had also given me a price range he was comfortable with.
3. We enjoyed most of the summer, and in August the topic came up because a mutual friend was trying to get in the middle of this situation. (i.e. asking us both questions and twisting the story back to the other) I brought up what was said and we clarified both sides, and I was told "I already have a plan and a date picked out for a proposal." Sweet! Sounds good to me. This was also exciting because over the last couple months since the conversation of getting engaged initially started, I felt so excited to marry him. (I still feel that way, just a little more impatiently)
4. Fast forward to October, he wanted to sit and build a ring. After the comment in August I had kind of thought that he was further ahead on this front, but he is characteristically not a planner so this wasn't overly shocking. The style I want is pretty basic, so I sent him an exact ring I had looked at (and loved) and said "I don't care if it's this EXACT one, this is just what I was thinking."
5. He had it saved in his browser for a couple weeks, and I noticed one day it wasn't in there anymore. I wasn't snooping, he had his browser open next to me when he was showing me something and was flipping tabs and I noticed it was deleted. So my first thought was "Oh, okay he probably bought it and doesn't need to reference it anymore." This was sometime between the discussion in October and Thanksgiving.
6. Christmas is my FAVORITE holiday, so it kinda seemed like everything was lining up for a Christmas proposal. BUT to go back to the living arrangements, the market is CRAZY here. We signed another year lease, but had started talking to banks to get an idea of what we could afford and what possibly even building would look like. My mom is also a realtor, so we are able to look at things that interest us pretty easily, which we also started doing. A house popped up way under budget, with multiple showings in 24 hours. It was a great investment opportunity to live in and then rent out in a couple years before looking to buy a longer term home. We signed a purchase agreement on Christmas Eve, offer accepted. Then the weekend after I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks realizing the situation I was in, because (surprise, obviously why I'm here) no Christmas proposal happened. I gave it a week, no New Year proposal either.

When he started telling friends and family about our house, a comment was made about me not having a ring. I didn't say anything in the middle of the conversation. Later, I did bring up how that made me feel and expressed that I thought we were on the same page and now this is moving in a direction I didn't originally want and had been very honest about from the beginning.

Now here we are, a month later, and no ring. We don't have any vacations planned because we were saving for a house, so there's no event coming to anticipate a proposal. I had somewhat thought maybe Valentine's Day, but he is a shift worker and gone that night. I have until February 10 to back out of the purchase agreement. (There were contingencies on the Seller's side. That's another story) But I don't know how the right way to address this is without flat out saying "We need to be engaged or I'm backing out of this house purchase." This man is my best friend, and I would never picture myself with anyone else. I do trust that an engagement will come, as he has initiated conversations of wedding plans, discussing wedding party, and is genuinely excited during these conversations. He brings it up just as much (if not more) than I do. However, I don't necessarily want to start pushing a boundary that I had set previously.. Any constructive ideas are SO appreciated!

TLDR: Engagement has been a topic of discussion for the last 7-9 months. Now we are looking to purchase a home and we aren't engaged yet. Advice on how to approach the topic without giving an ultimatum.

Hi everyone.

I met my partner august 2023. September 2023 we got pregnant. I know. Somehow we made it work. Baby is now 8months. We talked about getting married at the begining and he was excited with the idea. But then his father told him not to marry and suddenly he didn't want to marry anymore. I said fine.. i understand we rushed into all things. I know deep down our situation is not ideal. But i have grown to love him a lot, he was there for me all the pregnancy, postpartum and now baby growing up, and he has always being gentle, patient, he has a good heart. He has hold my hand and always being there for me. He refers to me as his wife. But sometimes i feel he is only here because its his responsability. Should i just settle because things are good as it is, or push us into commitment? I honestly dont see myself in a future and not be married to him. :/ Looking for advice. Thanks

Snd I hope to god it's not a shut up ring... I don't think it is but this group shows you everyday that you never know for certain.

There's been no ultimatum, no nagging, no end date... just a boundary in a very loving relationship.

I've said from the start I will not have kids before marriage, and won't live together before engagement. I've stood firm on this. I'm 29 years old and aware that my biological clock is ticking but I'm not willing to have children without security.

Up until now, neither of us have been ready for kids anyway. We know we want them in a year or so but we're not really feeling that pressure yet. We're saving for a house but quite comfortable living 5 minutes apart for now.

I have no regrets. I've never been in a more happy healthy relationship. There's so much mutual love and respect, and true companionship. We've been through so many real life challenges and came out the other side that I know we have a real future. It's taken 7.5 years to build this partnership up and I'm glad I was patient and trusted him to do right by me💕

I'm not really sure what my goal is with this post apart from sharing my story and hoping for the best.

I’m looking for advice on how to pick myself up after an illness and a failure to launch. I’ve had a lovely relationship with someone for 5 years and never felt the desire to be married until recently.

Life came at my quite fast a few years ago and I had to have multiple and brutal treatments for breast cancer. Suddenly I was signing forms and filling out “single.” I had to make notes in my medical file to have my partner as my emergency contact. I wanted them to make medical decisions for me if I wasn’t able because my parents have both passed. My partner sat with me through every appointment and was waiting for me after every treatment and surgery. I saw the value of being married in those difficult moments.

It’s been hard but now I’m healed and healthy. Having been through so much, I wanted to celebrate our relationship and marry them. I thought this would have been an easy “yes” but they told me they needed to think about it. They have only given me a timid affirmation they want to be with me.

It is hard to not feel broken by this. My body is scarred but I’m not ashamed of it. I’m proud to have survived and feel like I’ve grown so much. I only feel bad when I think of asking them why they don’t want me the same way. I love them and I can see a future with them but I’m struggling to not feel down. I’m hoping someone else here can offer advice/support if they went through something similar.

Hi! Diagnosed with bipolar here 🙌🏻 (28F) My partner (29M) hasn’t proposed yet and we are dating for 8 years now.

Everytime I bring it up - He had always assured me that he will propose once both of our financial status stabilized. He wants both of us to be able to afford a house because we don’t want to be married then living in our parents house. I agreed, that was valid but here’s the thing:

I brought it up to him that my parents are willing to cash a portion of their house equity and gift it to the both of us when we do get married. Parents will be able to access this money on Sep 2025. (My parents are the best, this was their idea, before I get hate, lol). However, for religious reasons and strict family values parents will not release me the fund if we are not married yet. (To add my older brother is very strict on this - he’s opinion do weigh a lot because he will be the one continuing our parent’s house mortgage)

The issue is, it’s January and I cannot help but have renumerations jumping from “waiting to be rich, how tf would that be in my control” “i dont want your money, I need your commitment” “maybe Ill just book an elopement next year since he will propose this year” then will escalate to “fuck it, I will be the one to propose (brought it up he said a haaaard no) “I don’t want to beg - maybe I should ask to break up” “what if he doesn’t propose then I wasted my time, should’ve broken up sooner”

The resentment is building up over these years and I’m hesitant if I will even feel excited when he proposes because it’s taking too long. While I think my partner is amazing, patient, loving, I love him to death - but I cannot help but feel and think this.

I brought it up last weekend how he sees himself being married and all he said was courthouse is nice he doesn’t really want a big celebration. I’m ok with that - but to be blunt - it’s really not worth waiting this long for, like fuck it let’s just go to the courthouse and get married then.

What’s. The. Wait. Even. For.

Personally, I don’t want to break up because like I said I love him, and these 8 years mean a lot to me. We got through so many hardships like long distance for 2 years, I had a really bad manic episode last year 2023 and he stuck around and was really patient with me 🥺☹️😭

Currently, I’m trying to grasp on my sanity by exercising and taking my meds.

… Send help

We’ve owned a house together for 4 years. I love her and care for her deeply as a person; she is my best friend. She has been bugging me to propose for around 2 years. My issue is that I am no longer attracted to her.

When we met she was fit. Gradually she has gained weight. Not an insane amount but enough that I find myself not attracted to her very much.

I value health and fitness very strongly, and she knows that health is an important value to me. I would never tell her that I find her unattractive because of the weight, but I have encouraged her to partake in a healthier way of eating with me various times without ever bringing weight/attraction into the picture.

I dont know how to proceed. Is it that unreasonable to mention something like health / weight the next time she asks when Im going to propose, when over the years i have changed some of my own behaviours that she would mention not liking about myself?

Why is health and weight somehow not something your allowed to mention?

TL;DR: I (22M) want to propose to my girlfriend (22F) but fear my families disapproval and my current financial situation could be better

I (22M) have been with my girlfriend (22F) for 5 and a half years. We’ve been clear to each other for 2-3 years that we want to get married, but I wanted to wait to get married until after I finished college, and she’s always respected that boundary. We moved in together 6 months ago and I just graduated in December.

I know she’s been waiting for a long time. I want to propose, but I’ve been apprehensive about it for a couple of reasons. I don’t want to propose without asking for my parents blessing, but I’m afraid they’re going to tell me it’s too early and that it’s not a good idea - not that it will stop me, but it will mean forsaking them.

The other issue is my finances. I have 3 months of emergency savings put away, but a ring is going to take a nice bite out of that. I want to get her moissanite, which I’m certain she would appreciate, but I don’t want to buy her some cheap etsy ring that she could search up and find one day.

We want to be single income one day. It’s a dream that we’ve both shared ever since we met. I definitely think it’s possible with my education, experience, and industry. However, I’m kinda embarrassed to admit that she makes twice the amount that I do in a week. I’m still working the same part time job that I started in college. I’ve been interviewing to find a full time job in my field, but so far have been unsuccessful.

I try to avoid thinking about our relationship transactionally, but I must admit, it feels wrong of me to propose when she’s the breadwinner right now and I basically have nothing to offer.

I was looking for advice because my friends don’t seem to have much to say about it, and I feel like I have nobody else to turn to. I've been agonizing about this for over a month, especially with Valentine's day coming up.

EDIT: I did not expect nearly this amount of interaction. Thank you all so much for the fantastic advice. I will be sitting her down tonight to have a conversation about engagement

Not really a rant but I wanted to share this. I know this subreddit has tons of people in it who are in relationships that are bad/mediocre at best, but I've also seen some posts from people with good (as far as we know) relationships who can't seem to stop thinking about marriage.

So this is my (personal!) story. I (27f) am also in a great relationship with a man who gives me nothing but support, but after each conversation about marriage, I don't feel reassured at all. Or I do, but the anxiety comes back within a few hours or days.

Thoughts like "what if he takes too long", "it's not gonna work out anyway", "you're gonna have to leave because you're wasting your time", or even "he needs to give me concrete answers", when I wasn't in the relationship for that long yet.

Again. I know this is not the case for most people here but it is for me.

My constant need for reassurance and obsession with the topic of marriage makes me...not enjoy the moment. It's terrible. It makes me doubt the whole relationship even though I know I'm with a person who loves and cherishes me, and wants to marry me. It's like a little devil is sitting on my shoulders and telling me that things are wrong.

I still have boundaries and expectations, but the diagnosis has shown me that I throw myself into loops of overanalyzing and overthinking, thinking of leaving although I don't want to.

I sometimes read posts on this subreddit, trying to prove to myself that I'm in the wrong/right relationship, and that only fuels the thoughts. But I also enjoy reading posts on here and offering advice for good communication.

So I have to find a balance. And tell myself "it's okay for things to be uncertain and there aren't answers to everything". I don't have to prove myself to anyone, and as long as I communicate my boundaries and ensure good communication, time will show if things are right for the long run.

As I said, I think most people here have valid concerns, but maybe someone on here can relate.

Long time lurker, first time poster!

I (29F) will lay it out and say that I HAVE communicated to my partner (35 M) that marriage isn’t necessarily a deal break for for me, because it never has been. But I’d like some more progression and above all, I want to have children. He’s on the same page but fear and anxiety and general discontentment with the legality of it has kept us in a standstill. We have been together for 5 years, nearly 6, living together for 3.

It wouldn’t have been as big of a deal if I didn’t feel like I went into it with the expectations that he wanted these things too. He’s just so wishy washy and almost never brings up a marriage or kids but still will on occasion.

And I feel so foolish because even if I left the man who I was very in love with, I’d have to find someone who wants to marry me, have children, etc and by the time all of this happens I’ll be older than I personally feel comfortable with. And then I lose him for all eternity and I just don’t know what people do in these situations.

Dating has not been easy for me, and men have not always been kind. This is the healthiest and happiest that I have been in my relationships and I’m coping with the fact that it feels like stay or leave, I’m somehow still not going to get what I want.

https://youtu.be/L3qAkv3oruE?si=i4uOeI1LkrrrElYh

For those of you who don’t follow SM: Former Bachelor (tv show) couple Rachel Kirkconnell and Matt James just broke up on January 16. He broke up with her after 4 years and never proposed not even on the show. I’ve never watched a whole season but my understanding is there’s suppose to be a proposal at end of season. Comments state that instead of a proposal he said let’s just be together.

I just looked at Matt James’s instagram account and he posted on Jan 15 about having pizza with her while they were in London. Then the following day a post about mending their broken hearts. She said she was completely blindsided and that she found out about the post a few hours after he broke up with her.

Rachel shares her take on their relationship and breakup on this show and it sounds like a lot of what I read on this sub. Breaks my heart for her and all of you who go through this BS.

I (30/F) just started dating a really nice and normal guy (33/M). We met on hinge both looking for a long term relationship and both have goals on marriage. We’re both also in the same field and have a ton in common. It is literally the very beginning of our relationship (less than one month) but I fear getting stuck in a relationship that doesn’t progress forward. Every ex has said they wanted to get married but most I seem to never get there with. Either he never brings it up or evades conversations OR I end the relationship because I find incompatibilities. My question is, now that I’m starting fresh and we both have the same end goal in mind- what do you wish you knew at the start of your relationship about staying on track with marriage as part of the timeline? I always told myself my next relationship wouldn’t last longer than 6 months if there was no talk about the future and no longer than a year without planned engagements. I do want to have kids so I can’t just date men for years on end and hope for the best anymore. What do you wish you knew?

So my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and living together half of that. He’s always known I was looking to get remarried at some point as that means a lot to me and I’ve always known he wasn’t as he says he “doesn’t believe in marriage and he’s fully committed to me long term… don’t need a paper for that.”

He does show his commitment to our future by buying a property together and working on my house all the time. We talk about what we’ll do in retirement and where to live.

Occasionally when I said I was insulted he didn’t want to marry me , he’d say we can talk about it if that’s what I want and he loves me and he’s shown he’ll do anything to work on us.” But He definitely dodges or acts uncomfortable if I try to talk about it.

I know he probably will never ask me and I’m trying to decide if I’m ok with that now —or if I will always resent it.

I am the larger breadwinner with a decent pension coming but I am more financially comfortable with him and I’m of that age where I do need stability and some help with a large property (which he provides)... He does many house rehab projects and helps with organizing and some cleaning.ñ so it seems balanced. And, Yes, it’s more than that. I feel like he’s my best friend and life partner. But am I selling myself short?

I (32/F) have been with my boyfriend (35/M) for almost 3 years (5 ish months away from 3 years). We've been living together for the past 8 months. In our prior conversations, he said he saw us being engaged within 6 months of living together. I wouldn't have even agreed to move in together if I didn't believe it was an actual step towards marriage. But he hasn't brought the topic up a single time since moving in. We did have one conversation about it after he moved in, which was prompted by me. Because he started showing me listings of potential homes for us to look at buying. So I made it clear that I'm not going to be buying a home together unless/until we're married. So we need to focus on completing the steps in order. That conversation was around 3 months after he moved in.

We're about to enter month 9 of living together, and I just don't see ANY indication that it's even something he's thinking about. He doesn't even know my ring size and has never asked me about ring styles or anything. So I highly doubt he could have even taken any of the preliminary steps to start planning to propose. I don't want it to get to the 3,4,5 year mark and I'm still waiting/wondering. I personally feel like it's been long enough, but I don't want to push him into doing something. I want him to do it on his own. I also recognize that I may be being impatient, but as the 3 year mark approaches, I'm beginning to get antsy. Everyone has their own timeline, but I wouldn't be staying with him for another 6 months or year from today, if he hadn't proposed. But I don't know how to tell him that without it sounding like an ultimatum. For me, if he doesn't know I'm the one and/or he's not ready to propose by the 3 year mark, that's the answer I need.

Lately I've been thinking about suggesting we move back to separate spaces in the next couple months. Because I don't want him to get comfortable just living together for an indefinite amount of time, and not feel the need to take the next step. He said he wanted to see what it's like to live together before we got engaged. My perspective is okay, you've came, you've seen, and you've still taken no action. So we don't need to live together for years.

In the conversations we've had about marriage, one thing that seems to always come up is how he wants to meet my parents first. However, I'm COMPLETELY estranged from my family, and have been for the entire time he's known me. And he knows this. I'm not sure if this is actually what's holding him back from proposing, or if he's just using it as an excuse to prolong proposing. It seems silly to me if he'd allow people he's never met and people I haven't had a relationship with in several years, to dictate when/if he's going to propose to me.

He hasn't ever mentioned anything else in regards to not wanting to propose or not being ready or things he wants to resolve or any reasons. So that's the only thing I can think of.

What do you guys think? Is a few months from the 3 year mark an okay time to start worrying? Should I just continue to wait and see? If so, for how much longer?

Edit: I've seen some people saying he lied or used the idea of marriage as a trick to get to move in together. And now he has everything he wants, so why would he propose? So I thought it was important to add the context that he moved to my neighborhood, which is well over an hour from where he's from. So now he has to commute over an hour each way to work, and he's over an hour away from his family and all his friends. Whereas before, he lived less than 10 minutes away from his work/family/friends. And he's never once complained about it. To me, the fact that he was willing to uproot himself to come be with me meant something. Why would he do that if he wasn't serious about the relationship? Because it would have been much easier and cheaper for him to stay where he was living before.

He also supported me when I was deciding to do a complete career change, even if it meant he might have to pick up more of the bills in the interim. He didn't even flinch when I told him I wasn't happy at my job and I wanted to leave and pursue something else. Even though it would be difficult and time consuming to do what I wanted to do. He immediately supported me and told me I should go after my goals and that we would figure the rest out together.

Also, I've decided we need to have a serious discussion ASAP, so I can get a better idea of what he's thinking. I'm not going to issue any ultimatums or make any demands. I'm just going to talk to him, ask meaningful questions and pay close attention to his responses.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2.5 years, and we've been living together for 8 months. Before we moved in together, he said he saw us being engaged within 6 months of living together. Now that that timeframe has passed by a couple months, I'm beginning to look at him with a side eye. Mostly because I don't see ANY indication that it's something he's actively working on.

I'm beginning to wonder why it hasn't happened yet. And I'm beginning to feel like, I might not even be as excited when/if it does happen, because of however long it took him to finally do it.

EDIT: I've seen some people saying he lied or used the idea of marriage as a trick to get to move in together. And now he has everything he wants, so why would he propose? Or things to that effect. So I thought it was important to add the context that he moved to my neighborhood, which is well over an hour from where he's from. So now he has to commute over an hour each way to work, and he's over an hour away from his family and all his friends. Whereas before, he lived less than 10 minutes away from his work/family/friends. And he's never once complained about it. To me, the fact that he was willing to uproot himself to come be with me meant something. Why would he do that if he wasn't serious about the relationship? Because it would have been much easier and cheaper for him to stay where he was living before.

He also supported me when I was deciding to do a complete career change, even if it meant he might have to pick up more of the bills in the interim. He didn't even flinch when I told him I wasn't happy at my job and I wanted to leave and pursue something else. Even though it would be difficult and time consuming to do what I wanted to do. He immediately supported me and told me I should go after my goals and that we would figure the rest out together.

Also, I've decided we need to have a serious discussion ASAP, so I can get a better idea of what he's thinking. I'm not going to issue any ultimatums or make any demands. I'm just going to talk to him, ask meaningful questions and pay close attention to his responses.

I am curious as I often see posts on here stating that people should not move in unless married as they won't have the same legal protections.

In Australia, this isn't the case. As soon as you move in and live as a married couple you have rights equivalent to marriage under the Family Law Act of 1975 and the Property (Relationships) Act of 1984. This includes property division, financial support, parenting arrangements, healthcare and insurance claims.

So I am wondering, is this different to other countries? If you had these protections, would you be less concerned with marriage?

I (26 F) have been with my boyfriend (27 M) for 6 years, he works a full time job and I graduated from physical therapy school back in May 2024 and have been working full time since August. We have talked many times about being together for the long run and getting married. I expected it to come a year after I graduated and I have told him that. I have sent pictures of rings I like but we have never went shopping for rings. One of his friend let it slip that he asked about his jewelry a couple months ago. I am in that place in life where everyone is getting engaged and everyone is asking me when and what's the hold up etc and I'm like honestly I have no clue. I'm just at the point where I'm like can we hurry this up and get on with it. I already feel so behind in life after being in school to get my doctorate, a lot of our friends are married and have homes and have had full time jobs this whole time. I'm feeling alot of external pressures and I'm trying my best to go with the flow and be patient bc I don't want to ruin anything but I am very type A go getter, my man... not so much. So I am also worried about things getting accomplished in the timeline we talked about... any advice 🥹

Edit: Wow there are a ton of comments on here, everyone is saying I'm trying to make this a check list and I haven't said I love my boyfriend. I feel like that's a given, I want to be with him forever I want to be married I have wanted this not as a check on a list. But I'm getting to the point where it's been a long time, my boyfriend has been able to "prepare" in a sense for 3 years while I was in school. So I know it sounds a little crazy but I have been expecting it but I haven't seen or heard anything about really moving forward.

We have talked time lines, we have talked about how I'm feeling. I don't want to just get married because of external pressures. When I asked him directly that what are we waiting for he said he is waiting for a perfect moment and that he had stuff in the works. I'm just having a hard time because I am like I said type A and my bf is type B. I know alot of you are concerned about that, it has proved to be challenging for us sometimes but I truly believe that our differences help balance each other out. I do love him and want this, there is just a lot of pressure from I don't know myself? People? I don't know

I have always dreamed of my dream wedding, but I am slowly realizing it will never happen.

1. I can't afford it

The wedding industry has become out of control with the price of venues, photographers, dresses, food, etc. I have always wanted a really nice wedding, but have realized that I cannot afford to spend thousands on a wedding. I don't have a family that is financially able to contribute to the cost, and it would solely be on me and my fiancee. I can't lie, I want a really nice, magazine-worthy wedding. I know I can cut costs, but how can I afford an engagement party, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, reception, and honeymoon?

2. I can't plan it

I do not understand how anyone can plan or coordinate a wedding. I get stressed having 10 people over for Christmas. The amount of decisions you make is insane. No one has ever said that planning a wedding was the best time in their life, so why would put myself through that? There is literally a show called Bridezillas for a reason. Planning a wedding seems extremely stressful, and anxiety-inducing. From the guest list to the food to the vendors - we would have to choose it all. I hear nothing but complaints and horror stories online. I see how so many things can go wrong, sigh.

I truly wish I could just show up to my wedding and everything is done. But since that will never happen, I guess I'll forgo my dream wedding.

I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for 4 years now. He graduated over a year ago, has a full-time job, and runs a successful business. I still have one year left in my degree, but for over a year, I’ve been working in a post-graduate role earning the same as him. When we started dating, we both agreed our goal was to date with the intention of marriage.

About 2.5 years into the relationship, he shared that in his culture and religion (he’s Muslim), I would need to sign a religious marriage contract. This completely caught me off guard because, as a non-religious person with strict Christian parents, I’ve always avoided anything tied to religion. We’ve spent hours discussing this and even went to counseling. For him, signing the contract is crucial because "it's tradition" and his family wouldn’t respect the marriage without it, even though they adore me. For me, signing it is a dealbreaker—it’s a matter of principle as it dictates my rights (and any future children’s rights) based on my gender. Additionally, I’m uncomfortable committing to anything religious.

The situation is further complicated because, for the document to be valid, my dad would need to sign it, and he’s extremely anti-Muslim. He’s already said he wouldn’t attend the wedding if it included anything Islamic (which is a separate issue altogether).

Despite family pressures, my boyfriend and I want to proceed without the religious contract or potentially with a non-religious prenuptial agreement. We're on agreement on finances, how we want to raise kids, lifestyles, literally everything. Last month, he strongly hinted that he was planning to propose soon, possibly during our trip to Dubai. I thought it might happen on New Year’s Eve with the fireworks or on the beach, but it didn’t. At the end of the trip, I told him I had been expecting a proposal, and he seemed upset, saying he wasn’t sure yet. I got frustrated and asked why he hinted it was happening soon if he wasn’t ready.

Now, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to pressure him, but I feel like I can only wait another six months at most.

I currently live 1800 miles away from my long distance boyfriend/baby dad. He wants me to think about relocating to his state with our daughter and living together. I made it clear to him that I expect to be legally tied to him if I make a long term commitment to him and move out of state. I’m not rushing to be married (nor do I care to have some fancy ceremony, I’d actually prefer something very small), however I hope to be married to him if I make such a big decision. I know I can’t force him to do anything, but it feels like I should pull back a little in our relationship until I feel he gets more serious about us. We already have a child together and that is a much bigger commitment than marriage. I’ve never been the biggest fan of, nor have I really cared about marriage, but I respect that it shows true commitment and he or I would be unable to just leave the relationship so easily. Thoughts? Advice?

Get ready for this one, y’all. A real doozy of a cautionary tale.

F33 and M36, together 8.5 years, 2 babies together. When we met in our mid/late 20s it was a casual thing and we were both over dating and despite this, it grew into a serious relationship kind of slowly at first as we got to know each other. He was everything I wanted in a man, if maybe a little less ambitious than I liked. I moved in around year 2.5 (his mom owns the property and intends to sell it to both of us for a few thousand after we pay off the mortgage in a few years). We had the marriage talk and it was very much “I want to and intend on marrying you, I just have issues with the institution of marriage. We will likely get common-law married.” Ok, that didn’t matter because I never saw myself having a ceremony due to my anxiety and that seemed more intimate and special to me.

Y’all. Now common low marriage isn’t even good enough for him.

3 years ago when I was pregnant with our first I brought up marriage again as having a baby out of wedlock wasn’t my favorite idea. He bought me a $200 ring (that’s fine idc about cost, but he didn’t even ask me what I liked!) that doesn’t even look like an engagement ring, it looks like costume jewelry and I never wear it. I bought my own ring that I like). And he “proposed” to me in the living room while I was big as a house, tired, and in the middle of doing chores. I said yes 🤡 and that’s when i brought up Quaker marriage. You see the Quaker’s didn’t believe in officiants or anything (i didn’t get this part exactly right—it has to be a legal marriage AND YOU HAVE TO BE A QUAKER TOO LOL) so we could just hold hands and say we are married between us and God. So that’s what we did,and now he calls me his wife. It was at this point (maybe a little before honestly) that I stopped caring. I work a corporate job remotely, and am on a good career trajectory despite being a college dropout. But I have a wonderful 401k, land I bought in another state as either investment property or just to hold onto for my kids.

Now the kids: we had our first in 2022 and at 6 months postpartum I found out I was pregnant with our second. I have always wanted to be a mother more than I ever wanted a wedding or a ring. And to be honest he is a great father. I WFH and watch the kids so we don’t have to spend the money on daycare, and he helps me when I need time to focus or when I’m in meetings. He’s a contractor and works part time in the evenings so he doesn’t have any retirement and I’m basically going to support him/us into our old age godwilling, since I make more than he does.

At this point I don’t even know if I want to marry him anymore. I asked him if he could stop calling me his wife and his response was “why do you hurt me like this?” I responded that it sounds silly and stupid to be called a wife when I’m not one, he can call me his partner or girlfriend or baby mama. But just not his wife. I stopped calling him my husband. He’s been asking if I still love him and if I’m planning on “getting skinny and leaving” because I’m on a diet and losing weight. 1. I wouldn’t do that to our kids—they absolutely adore him. And 2., as a personal choice I would not date while my children are minors, unless I found a sane and stable single dad and that’s a big “if.”

I just find myself insulted by the title he’s given me that he never bothered to earn.

I fully understand my role in my situation. I stayed, I got pregnant, I went through with the pregnancies, I never pressed him about timeline enough, I could have left (and believe me I did try a few years in, but I just loved him too much to follow through). We have a pretty good relationship all things considered, our sex life is amazing (hence the babies). He’s my best friend and there aren’t any trust issues…just sometimes he’s not very romantic and this is kind of evident in the way he’s handled the marriage talk.

Has anyone ever known a couple to stay together, raise kids, and stay together into old age without being married?

Or has anyone here ever just given up, lost the desire, and stopped holding their breath for what would never come?