So on January 1st will mark the 7th year of my relationship with my boyfriend. I’m in my mid twenties and want nothing more then to start a family.. for years now he’s been proposing proposal but never does it. This time he’s promised an exact date which so happens to be our anniversary which is in a few months. Idk.. part of me doesn’t believe him after being lied to SO many times. Even then he knows I want kids and when the topic comes up it’s always “not right now” I’m getting really frustrated because I feel like I’m at the point in my life where it’s okay for me to have these desires and he’s just not participate it hurts so so bad. I don’t even know what to do.

Will try to keep it short I (32f) have been with my boyfriend (41m) have been together for 2.5 years. He is divorced and has 3 children from that marriage. I have always been on the fence about kids but always wanted marriage. We go back and forth on kids and I told him a year ago if he can’t imagine having more kids or getting married we should break up. We stayed together. A few weeks ago he dropped a bomb that he never wants to have anymore kids and will marry only if it’s really important to me! I asked how he saw our future and he just said together but had no goals or anything to add except that we would be together. I told him I deserve someone who is excited to marry me and I’m afraid I will change my mind on kids once I’m in constant stepmom mode. He said sounds like I’m breaking up with him and we ended things. Now I feel like I made a mistake and I really miss him.

Will this pass or should we try to work it out. He still contacts me everyday so it’s just hard to break free.

Hi everyone,

I need women opinions on the above decoration. I’m hesitating whether I should keep the “Will you marry me” and hoop in the middle.

I feel like it looks good especially for pictures but at the same time I feel like it’s maybe a bit tacky and "predictable"? As in every proposal has something similar nowadays.

Do you think the deco would be better or not without it? Keeping in mind that you need to imagine this room at night time.

Thanks

I know us ladies always get the, “When are you getting engaged/married?!!!” question, which legit doesn’t fall to us in most cases. But I’ve been curious, how does it feel to GUYS when they are asked that. I know my boyfriend’s family loves me and I KNOW he’s heard the question, “When are you putting a ring on it?!” Do you think they feel the same us at any point? I know this is a predominantly female sub, but any guys wanna chime in? Ladies, what do you think?

My incredible boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me in July of this year. The only thing I could think when he was down on one knee was ' A MILLION TIMES YES!' there was absolutely no doubt in my mind. Leading up to this, it is all I have wanted for the best part of a year. I love him more than anything, we are like fire (me) and water (him) lol, we balance each other out just the right amount and we have lived a totally blissful 4 years together. The two months after the engagement were complete bliss, we had a party with our closest family and friends and spent the best part of the two months celebrating. The wedding is planned for July 2026 and whilst planning I was just so excited, it is all I could talk and think about. I am a huge overthinker and have an obsessive personality when it comes to perfection etc, I always have been and often think the worst of situations, my partner always says I am more of a 'glass half empty' person. A month ago, I found someone else attractive (which is totally normal I know) and out of nowhere I was driving home and had a panic attack about it. I began to question things and this completely spiralled into a full weekend of panic attacks and anxiety. I went through a really rough few weeks and know I am coming back to my normal self but every now and again I still get the thoughts about it all. It is driving me insane! I have spoken to my fiancé about this and he is so so supportive and says it’s normal. Why am I having this reaction suddenly?! Is it because everything will be so cemented? Everything for the past 4 years has been near enough perfect (I know relationships aren't perfect but you get what I mean!) I have NEVER doubted anything about our relationship before but as soon as I have a ring on my finger I am like 'oh shit!!' and I'm overthinking EVERYTHING. I am hoping it all just settles as big life changes can affect my anxiety (I panicked when I started a new job and bought our house) but it hasn't been this bad before. Is this just my brains response to the idea of getting married?! I can’t stop googling stuff either🤦🏼‍♀️

Background: I met my exH when I was 22, we started living together right away. I had a strong idea of wanting marriage and a family. We got married when I was 27, had our child when I was 35, he left me for a younger woman when I was 45, and I am 59 now.

Although we had a pretty stormy relationship, we also had a lot of good times along the way. It is hard to think that that big of a chunk of your life is a mistake, I look at it as I learned things from it, and I have my daughter.

For years after the divorce I mourned my dreams of a lifetime love and family, in retrospect, it was this desire that kept me in the relationship for so long. I have had casual dating and relationships along the way but nothing serious. I have not exchanged “I love you”’s with anyone else since the divorce. I also had a lot of years of intense loneliness.

Recently since my daughter grew up and moved out, I have started enjoying being single, I started glp-1 treatment, have lost the 100 pounds I gained after the divorce, have been working out, enjoying my friends and family, and just generally pouring all that love into myself instead of into the idea of a partner out there. I also have ahem gentlemen company when I feel like it, just not that one special person.

Anyhow, recently I started wondering what a marriage would look like at this point in my life - the time of building a home, a family etc, is something that has already over, and in the past. Not sure what I am asking here, just wondering what kind of new dream I could dream at this point.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DA6XKW0ysx-/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Came across this sub by accident …

I have a wonderful relationship with my partner. He’s 42, I’m 35. He is divorced.

When we met it was very flash in the pan and the honeymoon phase never really faded, if anything, it’s gotten stronger 1.5 years in. Very early on I expressed that marriage was important to me. I don’t need nor want a big wedding, I’m perfectly fine with eloping and we had discussed it several times.

I suppose that’s why it came a huge shock to me that he expressed he wasn’t excited about the thought of getting married while we were discussing marriage watching some garbage Netflix tv (love is blind).

The phrasing was something along the lines of “I’m still going to marry you, but what guy would be excited about getting married again after getting divorced.”

I countered with, “do you understand how that makes me feel to hear you say that? It sounds like a shut up ring and that’s not something that I want. I want a partner who enthusiastically wants to be with me, wants to make me a part of his family, and is excited to be with me.”

He said, “I don’t know, I think maybe with time it’s something that I could get excited about.”

He said he is excited to be with me, constantly tells me I’m the love of his lifetime and I believe him but ever since that conversation, a little over two months ago, my feelings on marrying him have changed.

I don’t want it the way he’s offering it to me. I have sat with my feelings for a long time to make sure I’m not overreacting or being unfair by not considering his point of view and lived experience of having a marriage that didn’t work out. That said, I know myself, I know that if he ever proposed, the feeling of warmth and love and excitement that should be there would be replaced with “he’s only doing this to keep me around,” and on my wedding day, when I’m marrying the love of my life it would be marred by the thoughts that he isn’t excited to be there.

All of the excitement I had thinking about marrying him has been replaced with disappointment and whenever he says I love you, there’s a little voice in my head that says “sure, just not enough to be stoked to marry me.”

I know I need to have the conversation but I’m not sure where to start, how to bring it up and let him know that I don’t know how to fix that feeling that I just don’t want to marry him anymore. I don’t know if it’s even fixable, I feel like those thoughts and insecurities will always be in the back of my mind. I respect his honesty, but him telling me that changed things for me.

As far as the kind of partner he is, he is wonderful. Supportive, kind, there is zero mental load. If he says he’s going to do something, he does it. He makes me feel appreciated and loved. He takes initiative, I feel like he listens to me and hears me when we talk. He is very affectionate, he is a good man. I’ve never been afraid to talk to him before, but I’m afraid to bring this up.

I don’t think he’d propose any time soon but I can confidently say if he asked me tomorrow, I’d say no. I don’t want him to feel forced into doing something he doesn’t want to do just to placate me. It doesn’t feel good. Any advice?

Thanks for reading.

I forgive myself for sabotaging the relationship by questioning when my now ex fiance was going to marry me and set the date. I do have mental health issues that involve frantic efforts to avoid abandonment and retroactive jealousy.

I also came from the South Asian culture where marriage is very, very important while my ex is white, and does not feel that getting married too soon until a long period of dating and then seeing if we are a good fit.

Now before people come at me with needing to date within my race, let me make this clear: the SA community is very rare and because a lot of my political beliefs misalign with most people in my community, I tend to date out.

It's very hard as it is to date and I am always a fan of dating interraciallu for various reasons I don't want to go here. It's 2024. But I do look for a partner who shares similar world views on love, relationships, marriage, sex, and socioeconomic/political views, not to mention having a stronger emotional bandwidth than myself.

For my mental health situation - meds will not resolve the problem as it's more personality. I have been in therapy for years and now I deeply am working on attachment, trauma and C-PTSD/ major depression.

I deeply regret making impulsive choices just to keep the relationship with him going instead of trusting my gut. I was hypercritical of him at times. I threw an ultimatum and he felt I was coercive and continued to use that reason to not set a wedding date. He essentially told me that he didn't believe that marriage would solve my insecurities when that was the most important thing to me.

After several months of couples therapy, he and I both agreed to separate and he paid for an air bnb for a week. His guy friend suggested I fully end things and focus on my mental health because it felt that my ex was dragging and kicking the can for weeks after I took off my engagement ring during an argument.

It was mixed with circumstances of my job stress, stress of the newly adopted dog, resentment from pushing the wedding date and then his lack of trusting me that I will genuinely change my behaviors. He also dealt with his parent's chronic health issues which brought him to depression.

When I broke up with him and walked away, I blocked him from all avenues even though he said he wouldn't block me. But then, after finding out he disclosed my diagnosis to his friends without my consent (I asked him several times not to disclose the diagnosis due to stigma) and when he mentioned he "would move on in a few weeks or months before me," it devastated me.

I sold the ring for $94 and now I am doing some mental health work until I can afford to re-connect back with my individual therapist.

Healing one day at a time

Let me add some more context here: both are in our 30s (I am 34, he's 37). I communicated from the very beginning (even on dating sites) I was looking to build a shared life and get married. My time frame was I wanted to have children. We met when I was 32 he was 35. The issues happened to escalate right after the engagement.

How do I know if I’m overthinking or if this is a red flag? We’ve been together for four years, and he’s met my parents and friends—everyone on my side knows we’re together, and they all love him. We’ve talked about a future, even how many kids we want. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s just saying these things to keep me entertained.

He doesn’t have social media, and we spend almost all of our free time together—going on vacations, attending events, and just being with each other. He works as a first responder but only two days a week (24 hours shifts), so the rest of the time he’s with me. But the problem is, I feel like I’m a secret on his end. His relationship with his family is strained, so I get not meeting them, but I’ve asked to meet his friends. Every time I bring it up, though, he gets defensive.

I’m turning 30 soon, I feel like I’ve been patient enough, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m being played. I want to feel like I’m truly part of his world, but right now I feel more like an outsider. Should I keep pushing to meet his friends, or is it time to step back and focus on myself and forget about getting married?

My boyfriend told me that he is conflicted because he loves me and wants a future with me, but as this is the only relationship he's been in, he wants to experience more relationships

We've been together for 6 years. Both are 23. He and I first discussed marriage a year ago, and he said that he could see himself marrying me, but that he wasn't at a point where he felt ready to marry and that we were too young.

We had already been living together at this point, but where we live, marrying in your early to mid 20s is very rare, so I didn't worry.

Anyway when I brought it up again recently, he didn't look comfortable. I asked him what was going on. He didn't immediately say anything. The next day, he said he needed to tell me something and didn't know how to, but that he had been feeling that he needed to experience being in more relationships. That he's never been in any other relationship, and he's settling down too early in his life and it will keep bothering him.

I haven't been able to process this and he said there's nothing that he's unhappy about in our relationship and he has everything he wants in a girlfriend in me, but this thought has been bothering him a lot and for this reason, he doesn't feel like he can marry me.

It’s official guys, my (30 f) 11 year relationship with my (36 m) bf is over. Years of gas lighting, manipulation and future faking can finally be put behind me. He claimed that he finally wanted to get married and go to the courthouse, but as everyone has told me, it was his final tactic to keep me around even further. Thank you for your advice and clarity on this subject! Going forward, never waiting around for someone to finally see my worth. Ultimatums and begging for marriage isn’t necessary if you are with someone who knows for sure that you are the one for them. Peace and love to everyone going through something similar. ❤️

My bf (38m) and I (39f) have been in an LDR for a year now. We met last year on a trip overseas. I am his first long term relationship, and he said he likes to take things slow. At the start of our relationship I made it clear I was dating to marry. Despite only seeing each other a weekend at a time each month, I felt like we were able to keep and maintain a connection.

This all shifted back in May of this year when we had a conversation about moving in together. Through our correspondence, it was pretty clear to me that we were going to live together after I moved 600mi to be with him. During this conversation he told me he wasn't ready, but would still like me to live in the same city so we could continue to date. I felt then and still do feel like the future of our relationship rests solely on me to moving to him.

Despite him not wanting to live together, he talks about us getting married and having kids and I cannot help but feel like he's future faking. I've pulled away in the relationship because I just don't know how to proceed, or how long we would continue to be LD since I'm not able to move right now due to family circumstances, or even if i want to move to his city. He's never mentioned or offered moving to my city, which is much smaller and rural.

I am aware we've only been together a year; does it seem like I'm trying to move things along too quickly? We're both professionals with good careers, no children, and I've been married once years ago.

My(31F) bf (33M) and I have been together for 2.5 years. We talked up front and early on about long term goals and desires for our individual lives and what those would look like together.

After 11 months together he moved into my house with me! It was amazing and I told him that when he moves in I expect to be engaged in a year. That was a boundary of mine because I didn’t want to play house or games. He said he didn’t want to either and agreed.

A year ago we started ring shopping together and I eventually settled on what I wanted and left things in his hands. We took an amazing and romantic trip several months later. Prior to the trip I assumed we would be coming home engaged. When I voiced this he told me he wasn’t sure it would happen on the trip. I understood, but was disappointed. I asked that if he was not and had made up his mind to tell me prior to leaving. He agreed.

He didn’t propose and didn’t tell me that he wasn’t going to. When we got home I expressed that I was disappointed with him setting it up like he might only to not follow through on it nor telling me he wouldn’t. He acknowledged that his lack of communication was wrong and told me his intention was to propose in June. I set my sights on that.

We got a puppy together. He started participating in a hobby every weekend for hours at a time leaving me home alone with a young dog to train and care for alone.

When the end of June rolled around I approached him and asked what was going on. We’d lived together for a year and he had set June as an expectation. He told me I didn’t clean enough, wanted me to be more active and our intimacy was lacking.

I’ve since concluded that the lack of intimacy stems from picking up his slack with our sweet pup and that he had been dragging his feet and setting expectations he’s not keeping. It was breaking my trust in him and therefore our intimacy.

I put the brakes on the relationship. Told him we needed to date. I put in effort on everything but said if we reach the point that it’s been a year since we went ring shopping and we aren’t engaged that I’m really going to reconsider this relationship.

Well we’ve reached that mark and I haven’t seen any action from him to progress our relationship. He claims that I haven’t changed the intimacy issue. What it boils down to is that I don’t trust him because he’s all talk and no action and he can’t move forward with me not being intimate enough.

We’ve both started reading Come As You Are, he’s done a few therapy sessions and I’ve set up time to schedule couples and individual therapy sessions. But my family is extremely disappointed and thinks he needs to move out and that I should try dating other people and him at the same time to get clarity.

He claims he wants to be with me and marry me but he wants us to be in a better place to start that next step. But I can’t stop thinking “if he wanted to, he would”.

Should I cut my losses and quit? Tease it out in therapy? Or stick with him because he might end up being better for it in the end?

My (F29) partner (M39) have been together for coming up on 6 years. We haven’t had the smoothest relationship. We’ve had a few break ups and in the beginning I wasn’t really in a place to be dating, I’d just gotten out of an extremely abusive relationship (my ex tried to k*ll me 2x) and had no clue how to have a healthy relationship with myself, let alone anyone else. Obviously, this led to issues in my current relationship, and I just wasn’t a great partner in general. My boyfriend began resenting me and we split up, but i lived with him for about 2 months after the split before leaving. during that time he was pretty nasty to me, really made me hate myself. I finally moved out and we went no contact for a few months. He still had all of my books (i’m an avid reader) so i finally reached out and asked about obtaining them. this led to us texting again and deciding to go out to dinner to talk. we agreed we missed one another so we started casuallly seeing one another again, but i didn’t want to get serious. until one night we decided we did want to. however, that night i was also out drinking and ended up hooking up with someone else, after the conversation with my boyfriend, so yes, i technically cheated, and did not tell my boyfriend. he found out about a month later by going thru my phone, and i came clean and said we could break up. tbh i didn’t take the full responsibility that i should have, but he wanted to stay together. shortly after that, we began talking about having a baby, and we did conceive in october 2022. since then, our relationship has dramatically improved. so much so that i am now 5mo pregnant with our second child, who was also planned, and we lead a very happy life together. we’ve both done therapy, we’ve have plenty of talks about the past and actively work on healing any “broken” aspects of ourselves and our relationship, and we love being parents together. however, going into our first pregnancy, i told my partner i would like to be engaged soon if we are having children, which i think is a pretty reasonable thing to want.. yet here we are 2 yrs later and he is not even thinking about an engagement. we’ve had some conversations about it, and he has voiced that he is still bothered by my cheating and working on getting past it, and i completely understand that.. but if he is happy to commit to having children with me, which is way more serious than marriage, why no engagement? i finally said to him the other day that it’s getting really hurtful, and he turned things on me as he typically does with this subject, and said something like “fine i’ll start looking at rings and an engagement” very begrudgingly, like to shut me up. i told him no, i want it to happen organically and because he wants it too, but that it just hurts to feel like he doesn’t. he says all the time he plans on spending the rest of his life with me.. but i don’t plan on spending the rest of my life with a boyfriend and not a husband. i understand that we had an unhealthy relationship in the past, and that i wronged him. but it’s ridiculous to me that 2 children later, he is still not ready for us to get engaged. am i in the wrong for feeling this way? and am i wasting my time? i just keep thinking about the saying “if he wanted to he would” it over and over.

Hey! Please let me know if this isn’t allowed. I am a female, single in my mid-late twenties and have never been in a serious relationship. Currently I’m not looking around but previously I was mainly only looking for something casual and really enjoy that, dating has just fell off the cliff in the past few years (not complaining, just why I’m not really looking at the moment). Does anyone else also relate to wanting to be married but also at the same time aren’t looking for anything serious? I know it sounds like an oxymoron. Any advise or criticism for why I feel this way are welcome :)

Am I being completely pedantic here?

I’ve (30s) been with my DP (40s) for just over 4 years, and we have both been married and divorced before. Mine in particular was a really horrific divorce but won’t go in to it here.

We are extremely happy together and live a pretty chill life. We don’t fight, love each other and rent a property together and both have kids from previous marriages (none together.)

I am happy in our daily life, however every so often get a twang of sadness that he’s never proposed and I don’t have a ring. Like am I a silver medal? Am I wife on girlfriend salary?

I’m also 100% sure that if I did seriously bring this up as something I was upset about, he would do it. I just don’t understand why he can’t read my mind and hasn’t done it already I guess…

We went away for a once in a lifetime type trip recently and a few people thought it would happen then. Me too actually, but it didn’t and I left the trip just feeling a bit … flat?

I would marry him (it wouldn’t really actually change my daily life much tbh!) but I’m not anywhere near “ultimatum” or “timeline” level.

I know marriage and kids are really important to some people, and they just are not to me, so I feel a bit silly complaining about it when it’s not a hill I would die on.

Just wonder if anyone else is in the same situation or could offer advice? 😊 call me out for being petty if you want! I might need to hear it 🤣

Hey guys, I've been a long time lurker and this community has been an eye-opener for me.

My sister showed me this sub when I was devastated with my LTR in January 2024. I don't want to get into details because it would end in a never ending post, but I was basically in the same situation as most of the women here:

Me [F32] desperately waiting for my long time boyfriend [M34], whom I had been navigating through major life steps for more than 6 years, to marry me. Unsurprisingly, I ended up being gaslit and manipulated after playing wifey for this man who did not deserve any of that (doing all the housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, grocery shopping, etc., all whilst working full time as a lawyer, navigating his career [he is an lawyer, too], taking care of his family members, of our dog all by myself [he even made ME take the dog outside in the middle of the night when the dog had diarrhea, even though we lived in a big city in Western Europe and there are strange people at night in our area; when I confronted him and told him that I find it really questionable being with a man who is more concerned about his convenience than my safety, he literally said he was guarding me from the balcony🤦🏻‍♀️ This was when I decided to break up with him, and I left the other day).

However, I am originally from Eastern Europe, my parents fled war to bring their children to safety, which is why I have very strong family values, meaning wanting to be married and have children, and a big desire for safety. I told him from the beginning that I want to get married rather early, that I do not want to be strung along, and he said he was OK with it. I moved in with him rather early, about 8 months in. I told him that I would love to get engaged after he passed his bar exam, and he just nodded. However, it's almost beeen five years since he passed the bar exam. 3 years ago, at my 30 birthday, I completely broke down in tears; we were on vacation, he had not prepared anything, even though he knew that I wanted to be engaged by 30 and was expecting a ring. We had a big fight, he guilt-tripped me and told me I was the one who had now ruined everything because he wanted it to be a suprise and he is certainly not going to follow some deadlines (god, if I knew back them what I know now...). I then shut up completely about mariage so he could propose without "pressure" and on his own timeline. However, I did sometimes cry and ask him why we are not getting married when I saw others getting married. He knew exactly that it was troubling me. However, as time passed, I was fed up with wanting to marry him anyways, especially after I realised that I would not even be the one to benefit from mariage as my career was starting off better than his and my income was also increasing faster than his. Also, it would probably lead me to commit even more to him and do more things for him which I did not want, as I was already investing way enough in him. Bottom line, I was not going to beg him for something he would only benefit from (as a divorce lawyer, I am well aware of the scientifically proven fact that mariage is in most cases benefiting men and not women).

I therefore forgot about mariage, but however, children were a dealbreaker for me. We discussed this many times, he was avoidant and gaslit me, telling me that the more I talk about timelines the less he is decisive on it, etc. When I said I would break up with him because I don't want to end up childless after being strung along for years and decades and then dumped, he literally started scaring me by saying things like he was my best option to become a mother soon as I would not find a new partner in years, etc. Super abusive to play with women's fear of wasting their fertile years (again, if I had only knew back then what I know now).

However, after he moved the goalpost several times and knew I was fed up with it, he agreed to having a baby and we ended up trying for a baby about a year ago. I noticed that I was the only one who showed excitement, and a few months in he even started avoiding sleeping with me. After I had cornered him for weeks to tell me what this was all about, he said he was relieved whenever the test came out negative and he wants to pause trying; he had been afraid to tell me because he knew I might break up with him. I was completely devastated and broken down, I confided in my sister and my best friend who are both a few years older than me and had their experiences with men. They both told me to break up with him.

Long story short, I could not, but I told him he definitely broke my trust in his commitment and I don't want to be strung along - if he wants to wait another few months, I'm OK with it, but I want him to propose in order to restore my trust in this relationship. He could not, again gaslighting me, telling me he would and he wants to, but he could not as we are in a bad situation after his (caused solely by his lack of commitment and him pulling back). I explained that the only way out of this is him proposing, otherwise I will never regain trust in him and our relationship has found its end. However, he sticked to his manipulative excuses, but promised to propose by the end of May 2024. I accepted it, but obviously we did not get along any better as I was still questioning his commitment and could not rebuild trust in him. May passed and he did not propose, but promised me that "we were on the way there" (LOL, at this point I did not believe his words anymore). I ended up leaving him one month later after he kept disrespecting me in ways as described above with the dog situation.

It has been a good time since I left, I got to focus on and invest in myself, my self esteem boosted, my friendships improved, etc. He on the other hand went through a rough time and keeps trying to convince me to get back together, but never with a ring. He did say he regrets his behaviour, not having proposed and having paused on the baby stuff, that he loves me more than anything, I am the woman of his life, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he also feels ready for children now after working out some personal issues about his family. After declining several times, I agreed to meet him about a month ago. By that time I had already been over all the hurt feelings and resentment and I thought I was safe to give it a chance and see if he has grown to commit.

He organised a "date", and then another one 10 days later. Now it's been one week since we saw each other and he did not reach out to me. I think he is waiting for me to reach out to him and ask for another "date", but I will definitely not do this as I realised after the break-up that I was very unhappy with the relationship because I was not only doing all the wife duties but also all the other stuff that is ideally done by the man, e.g. I was initiating our dates in the beginning of our relationship, etc.

I was hoping that he might have woken up and is now able to commit and invest, but his slow pace is making me question this. I am afraid that he is only breadcrumbing me. I expect him to reach out in a few days again, and I don't know how I should react. Should I tell him that his effort is too low and cut it off, ignore him, or give him a chance to prove himself?

We’ve been friends since we were 11 years old, meeting on the first day of middle school. Through our teen years, we dated boys here and there and both experienced toxic relationships.

At 20, she started dating a guy, 32m, who by all accounts seemed nice and a good match. He was previously married and had a small child from his first wife. Despite his baggage, she really liked him and I could see them getting married one day.

Throughout the years, our friendship faded. Nothing bad happened just moving away for a job and she moved away too, people lose touch but we still talk every few months and try to catch each other up.

At 30f, she’s still not married to him. Three years ago he proposed but I feel it was to keep her from asking all the time. I’ve asked her many times if they set a date and it was always the same, he’s busy with this, not a good time, money is tight, etc.

Marriage is not just about love, status, weddings, but a safety net. He owns a house, they have a dog, cars, a boat. He makes more than her but she’s contributed money into the property and this relationship. I fear if they break up, she will be left with nothing and he won’t owe her anything. No house, he’ll keep the dog, I’m not even sure if she owns her car. She’s even become a third parent to his child and he would have no legal obligation to allow her to see them if they break up.

When I found this subreddit and started reading everyone’s posts, I was shocked how closely this reminded me of my friend. I feel all I can do is be there for her, support her, and let her know she’s not alone if things go south.

There was one time at 23, they had a fight and she told me he may kick her out. I told her she can stay with me for however long and I would never charge her rent or expect anything. I just hope she still remembers this and doesn’t keep letting this man waste her life.

Hey guys! Just recently joined so I am not sure if I am following the rules here but hopefully 🤞 I am!

I am 34, was engaged to someone who dragged their feet for months on end (7 months) after I threw an ultimatum in February of this year. We were in couples therapy for months but I felt like the therapy was mostly me needing to fix my issues for the relationship to work. Eventually I cut my losses and ended it with him. His response? "I commend you for your strength to end this relationship. I honestly wanted to end it when you threw the ultimatum." As I cleaned my stuff out of his place, he kept back tracking his comments.

2 years ago, when we first met on a dating app, I ignored my first signs of insecurity and incompatibility. I told him within a month of dating that I was not going to wait 2 years for him to marry me, and I made it abundantly clear that I am dating to get married. He stated that prior to me he was involved with a woman of 2 years, and that she was physically and emotionally abusive by butting into his friendships and was emotionally toxic. Even his guy friend corroborated this. He ended it by kicking her out of his house.

In the first year of our relationship, he was emotionally available, loving and kind and wanted the same things with me. I experienced lots of financial and career stress and we both agreed that I move to live with him in his house to start a career in teaching. But due to the garbage dumpster of my job, and my anxiety because of the way he ended his relationship with his ex (he said he took her to a jewelry store and considered marrying her, yet felt miserable with her and kicked her out of the house AND after her cajoling him, he went back with her only to end it again) I didn't realize that those were red flags of his failure to be honest with himself and communicate his needs.

Fast forward to our 2nd year of our relationship: he proposed to me. Bought a ring that was specifically designed with our birthstones in it. But when I asked him about our wedding date, it was a very vague statement like "shortly after." He also pointed out that he felt that him marrying me won't assuage my insecurities and was concerned that I would pester him and question his commitment.

At that point, due to stresses of teaching and getting fired, then adopting a rescue that we both impulsively decided on, I was increasingly stressed and agitated. My stress was spilling over into our relationship because I didn't feel financially safe or protected. Not that I wanted to gold dig but living in a new city (we were LDR) and uprooting myself to move into his space without any legal or financial protection, I was afraid of going homeless. I did save enough money while I was with him and fixed my credit score (without his assistance) but had a nagging fear that he was going to do what he did to his ex - drag his feet and fail to communicate his needs.

It became apparent that he was heavily focused on the prenup and was feeling immense guilt and depression from his dad being on dialysis. And as much as I was giving him the grace and willingness to wait longer, it bothered me immensely that there was no date. Now looking back, I felt it was selfish of me to ask for a date while he was mentally struggling but I also thought we were doing a simple elopement and then a ceremony down the line when he was ready.

We got into couples' counseling . I have been in 4 different relationships with one where I was cheated on and was abusive. My trauma and anxiety got the best of me. I stopped taking care of myself mentally. I tried going to group therapy and individual therapy but we kept having tons of fights towards the final months of the relationship. He kept saying he wanted to end the relationship or his life and worried that he was going to engage in SH behavior, I took off the ring. That catapulted into a series of heartbreaking fights.

Our couples therapist at the time pointed out that it takes 2 people to decide if this is a good fit: Him wanting to accept me and my past trauma and me willing to accept that he is not ready to get married right now due to trust/ mistrust, communication issues and his family situation. He eventually pointed out that he thought he saw a future with me "until he didn't."

I am devastated. I moved out and ended the relationship. I went no contact. Took me 2 weeks to eventually block him because I don't think we will be coming back together on the count that he said "he needs time to heal and eventually will need to move on and date but will let me have the ball in the court to reach out to him."

He's also conventionally attractive and is likely to get dates every weekend as he told me in the past. As much as I have a decent savings, paid my consumer debt off, and finally have my own apartment, I still feel so scared because there are lovely women who never married or were in loveless situations and there are lovely women who did find their person. But for me, after being cheated on once and now feeling like I was dragged through the mud with this relationship, and the dumpster fire of online dating, I just don't know if I will ever find someone to get married to and share kids with. I do want to at least have the choice to have a child and not get that taken away from me.

Currently reading self help books and working on my patterns in relationships: Choosing men with emotional unavailability, sleeping with men by the 3rd date instead of waiting until I feel comfortable and I can trust this person, moving in without an engagement ring and a save the date, acting out of character due to pangs of insecurity, choosing men who don't value me or see me as someone to marry.

Just needing words of love ❤️ right now. And advice is fine but I can't undo anything I have done in my last relationship.

I’ve been visiting this sub for awhile waiting my turn, with one of my last posts talking about how sad I was that we had a conversation that I had felt meant that the concept of getting engaged this year was out of the question - but that’s because he was purposefully throwing me off!

Last night, he suggested we go, get my favourite pizza for dinner and sit up on the headland overlooking our home town and take some photos (context: we have a photograph on our wall of the outlook, but from a different angle, he suggested “getting the other angle”).

We took some photos and as I went to walk off, he pulled me back, got down on one knee, he had a little speech and popped the question. There was not a single other person there, so we had the entire spot to ourselves and it was just perfect.

Just over four years dating and now we’re engaged!

And I’m worried it’s a CZ. It wouldn’t matter to me if his main excuse for the first 5 years wasn’t money and how he wanted to get me a ring that was expensive and how that was important to him. I did not want that. I made that very clear. The other part, the part that is worse than the possibility of CZ or mossainite, is that he got a white gold band.

It’s been 9.5 years and I’m just disappointed. It’s like he didn’t hear me all those times in the past ten years when I said I love yellow gold. That’s bs bc I know he heard me, he just got what he wanted. He sees me wear yellow gold necklaces and rings every day… there’s so much more it’s just overwhelming and tiring to think of all I’ve been through over this by my own doing, my own choice to stay and wait and hope and even give up on my dream of marriage to stay with him because I love him, and it hurts, because I really love this man. I’ve fixed my resentment once, we were happy again, and now it has returned at full force. It returned in late August when the October 16th deadline was approaching. I am just so angry. I hate feeling like this and being mad at everything.

I don't know why the algorithms fed me this sub reddit, but I find it fascinating.

I'm curious, is it mostly women here in heterosexual partnerships? Maybe that's just a stereotype.

I would assume that whatever your relationship situation, you've had a talk with your partner about whether both of you are interested in marriage, it's just an issue of actually getting around to it. Is that accurate?

I'm on the other side of the story I suppose, I'm a woman who had never been interested in marriage, in fact I'm quite uncomfortable with the institution. I've had more than a few people assume I'm "waiting to wed" but that couldn't be farther from the truth, my partner has always been more marriage-minded than me.

I’ve been trying to find some post breakup clarity for my situation.

I was in a long-distance relationship for almost three years, and we often talked about marriage, kids, and our future. We agreed I’d move to his country since he was more established, which I was happy about—until things changed. He started taking frequent naps, was constantly on his phone, seemed distant, made repetitive jokes, apologized for issues without resolving them, appeared uninterested in our time together, and prioritized friends. This happened whether we were together or apart, and despite discussions, nothing improved.

You might wonder why I stayed despite everything. I believed relationships took work, and I was still willing to try. I also thought that if I made some life changes, these issues might be easier to manage. But things worsened after graduation when I was suddenly pressured to find a job so I could move. Since I couldn’t work in his country without residency, finding a role in my field was tough, and I quickly became overwhelmed and lost motivation despite his efforts to help.

When I asked for space, I realized everything I’d be sacrificing by moving: family, friends, the start of my career, my wants and needs in our relationship, my independence, the chance of returning to my country, my car, and all I’d ever known. I asked myself what my partner would be giving up and couldn’t think of a single thing. That’s when I realized the size of my commitment—and I needed the same from him in the form of a proposal. He understood but said he couldn’t commit until we’d lived together. I understood his view, but without that security, I couldn’t justify the move. Since he couldn’t give it, he broke up with me.

What really made me feel his choice was selfish was how serious he’d always seemed about our future. He’d often tell me I was “the one,” that he was the luckiest man alive, and couldn’t wait to marry me. He talked about our wedding, our kids, even considered marriage before I moved (he changed his mind about this), and at another point told me he was going to start saving for a ring. I felt like I was being tugged back and forth with his words, with little to no action on his part. I feel blind-sides, but also feel the majority of this was my fault. Of course there is more to the situation. However, my post would be way too long, but I’d like to know do you all think I was asking for a whole lot ? I also understand that a proposal is not finite. Marriage on the other hand is a huge commitment to me, but I needed to know if we were on the same path to get there.

For those of you wondering our ages, I am F[27], and he is M[30].

If you're looking for a sign to leave, please read this.

Hey all, I just wanted to share my story and perspective on waiting to wed and a rejected proposal.

So I got together when my ex when we were both 23, I always knew from a young age that I wanted to get married and have lots of kids. I told him this in the early stages of dating and he agreed. I genuinely thought we were on the same page with what we wanted.

Throughout our relationship, I would drop hints at marriage and wanting to be married ASAP, I'm from a fairly conservative background and so is he. I'd get the usual vague 'Yeah someday', 'I need to work on things first', 'I'm not ready just yet' copy/paste speech that they all use.

For the next 2 years I became increasingly upset, I would try to have the conversation with him only for him to avoid it or try and blow me off with the same crap.

I begged, pleaded, cried, constantly asked for reassurance that he wasn't just stringing me along and he actually wanted to marry and have kids with me one day.

One day I spent an hour on the phone to him crying saying I felt I'd never get married and have kids and it was my biggest dream, once again he gave the usual 'maybe in a few years' spiel. He even suggested at one point that the reason he didn't want to marry me was because I brought it up too much and he felt pressured (Total gaslighting bs).

And then one day…. I just didn't care anymore.

I began to massively check out of the relationship emotionally, I began spending more time with friends and at my job.

Funnily enough, when I started to become distant, he suddenly started to make more of an effort (Because he sensed I was drifting away from him?) and then HE started occasionally bringing up marriage and I'd immediately change the subject. My interest in marriage was gone entirely.

We did move in together after this, and it was awful. He was extremely childish and I was left to do everything in the relationship myself.

During this time, we went to weddings together (both mine and his friends) and I felt nothing, no joy or excitement, no hoping I'd be next, nothing at all.

If we were asked by friends or family when we would get married, I'd just change the subject. I could tell doing this hurt his feelings but I really didn't care.

He asked me if I was interested in getting married someday and I told him the desire was gone now and I hadn't thought about it in years.

After 4 years of us being together, one day we went out for lunch and to my amazement, he pulled out a ring and proposed .

It was the single worst day of my life.

I was absolutely disgusted and horrified, I asked what was wrong with him and why he'd do this after what I'd said about no longer being interested. I could feel all the resentment and anger, I just felt like after all these years, he'd finally decided I was 'good enough' and did it.

The proposal itself was low effort, he proposed on a weekday lunch at a time when I was going through a lot of stress.

I rejected his proposal and then broke up with him shortly after.

He claimed I was the love of his life and he'd do anything to win me back, I didn't care, I was done.

Shortly after this I got into a relationship with a totally different dynamic, a guy who I'd been friends with for years told me he had feelings for me and we got into a relationship.

He told me he loved me without me asking, he brought up marriage first and gave a timeline of when he wants to be married (within 3 months of us being together) I've never had to ask, beg or plead for clarity or affection or anything.

The man I'm with now has given me everything my ex didn't, I had no idea I could be this happy with someone. The only problem now is that I still don't want to get married. I feel nothing but dread when I think of marriage now.

So now I'm in a difficult position. I'm in a great relationship with a great guy, but I don't want marriage anymore.

Even though I feel sad about my own situation, I want to share the things I learned from it.

1. Men who string women along are responsible for 2 women never getting married at all

There's actually been a study about men and marriage. Men who string women along in relationships for years are likely responsible for 2 women never getting married.  Source: https://www.today.com/health/reason-why-men-marry-some-women-not-others-t74671

2. Men have NO problem wasting your time if it benefits them

It doesn't matter that you've always wanted marriage, it doesn't matter if you're losing your fertility, it doesn't matter how much it upsets you, if you let him, he will always keep you around if it benefits him in some way.

3. Men will say and do anything to get you to stick around, DON'T BELIEVE WORDS, ONLY ACTIONS 

'I'm just not ready', 'I've been really depressed', 'X life event has made things hard for me', 'I don't want to rush into things', 'I was planning to propose but you ruined it by asking', 'I'm hesitant because my parents are divorced', 'You asking makes me not want too', 'I feel too much pressure', etc etc.

If he thinks you might leave, he might change his behaviour for a short while, then revert back when he knows you aren't going anywhere.

 4. Men always know when they've found the one they want to marry

You don't need to spend 3-10 years 'proving' yourself to him, doing everything you can to show him you'd be a good wife, he knows, he just doesn't care.

 5. A lot of men screw up with or can't get their dream woman, so they'll settle for you instead

So many men have the woman they want but mess it up somehow, or she's with someone else, or is out of his league, etc. In these instances, he might be in a relationship with you while hoping to get with her someday. If that never happens, then he might eventually cave and marry you (Not really because he wants to and he'll always resent you since he feels he had to settle for you instead of getting the one he actually wanted)

There are truly horrifying stories out there of women getting texts from their exes just before they get married 'Just to make sure she doesn't ever want to get back together'

 6. If his dream woman becomes available to him, he'll dump you in a heartbeat

If the above woman does actually become available to him, he'll have zero problems ending things with you, even if he's married to you. 

 7. If you let him take advantage of you, he will

Ever heard of the phrase 'be careful with your limits if you're a giver because the takers have none'

Men will take everything you offer them. love, emotional support, sex, validation, money, domestic labour, etc and if you call him out he'll blame you for giving these things to him in the first place. He doesn't care if you aren't happy and you aren't getting what you want from him.

 8. Some men have issues that make them slow to commit and will make them bad long term partners, commitment issues are always a red flag of more problems

If he blames his lack of commitment on ADHD/Autism/Depression/Anxiety/Childhood trauma, run for the hills. None of these things are your problems to deal with. If you do one day marry him, he will dump all of these problems on you and expect you to  fix them. They will be used as an excuse for everything.

 9. Even if he does one day propose, it probably won't make you happy

Having to beg or issue ultimatums to get someone to propose to you isn't going to make you happy in the end. I felt disgusted when I was proposed to, the desire died years earlier and all that was left was resentment.

10. If you marry him, you'll probably be miserable and wish you hadn't

So you finally coax him into proposing. Chances are you'll be begging him to actually remember your birthday or wash clothes or pay the bills in a few years.

A low effort man will stay low effort, and likely will get even worse.

Questions you need to ask yourself:

Do you actually want to be married to THIS man? Or do you just like the idea of a fairytale wedding and the social approval of being married? 

I thought that I really wanted to marry my ex, but now when I look back I can see that we weren't even that compatible. I was sold the idea of a perfect wedding from a young age and that's really what I wanted.

If you couldn't tell anyone or post pictures of your engagement anywhere, would you still want to marry him?

Similar to the last one, women have been told we're worthless if unmarried by a certain age since we were children. If you couldn't get ANY social approval at all from marrying him, if you had to keep the marriage a secret, never tell anyone, never post any pictures, would you still want to go ahead and marry him?

Do you have low self esteem, codependent traits, or childhood trauma?

A lot of women stay forever girlfriends because they think no-one else will ever want them, or they're used to being in a parent/child dynamic with their partner. If this is you, please go to therapy and build up your self esteem.

And finally, please save this list and remind yourself daily:

• I DESERVE someone who cares about my happiness in a relationship
• I DESERVE someone who is honest about what they want or don't want
• I DESERVE to feel seen and heard and to have my needs and wants validated

Recommend reading:

Codependant no more- Melody Beattie F*ck Him!: Nice Girls Always Finish Single- Brian Nox Women who love too much- Robin Norwood Why men marry bitches- Sherry Argov

Please, if you can relate to anything I've written, please leave him. I massively regret not leaving my ex sooner, it would've saved me so much time and pain and regret.

Happy to answer questions if anyone wants to DM me

I am seeking advice both for my friend "E" (45F) with respect to her relationship and for myself (37F) in how to be the most supportive friend possible.

E has been with her partner P (58M) for almost 15 years. Both have had previous marriages and children. E has a healthy relationship with her ex, whereas P had an incredibly bitter and acrimonious divorce which still plagues him to this day (I.e holidays, etc). P has significant divorce trauma. In general both E and P are wonderful people but suffer from significant communication issues (although don't we all). Both are quite well off, own their homes, are executives with healthy retirement funds, and coming to the relationship very much as equals.

Both individuals agreed to not move in together or discuss marriage until the kids were out of high school ( 3 years ago). Once the last child graduated, P immediately pushed for E to move into his home as previously agreed. E dug her heals in stating she wants a ring prior to moving in. After months of fighting, E moves in. P agrees to spend $70K in improvements to the home to ensure E feels as if it is her home as well. P refers to her as his life partner, in certain social situations has called her his wife to others, and has openly expressed his desire to be with her forever.

Almost all of their significant fights have been around getting married. E anticipated a ring within the first 8 months but that was a surprise to P as he had just spent significant money on their home. Every fight results in E returning to her old home to cool off for a couple of days (her old house is a 5 bedroom solely occupied by her youngest sister). As friends, we have asked E what communication with P has looked like around marriage. E has says they "agree on a timeline and are on the same page" but also struggles to articulate what that timeline and same page is. I've asked her if she wants marriage or just a ring and proposal. All of her words say marriage but her actions say a ring. As time goes on she comes more resentful towards P; jesting that she wants an extra carat for every additional year. She also is concerned about the shut up ring and says she wants him to want it.

I am struggling to figure out how to be a helpful friend to E beyond just listening (which I will always continue to do). I can see her becoming sadder, resentful, and slightly bitter. We have a tight-knit group of four couples, and rotate monthly which couple hosts. E has joked multiple times it should be between the three of us couples because she and P are not married. Or increasingly E makes self deprecating jokes about how if she "cooked like so and so" she would have a ring. It is beginning to cause issues with other friends who are not as close because they do not know how to handle interactions with her. One couple joked they couldn't get engaged because E&P are next and E would kill them if they were engaged first.

How do I help E in this situation? She has come to me numerous times to vent or confide, but often brings up my own status and being married and therefore "can't understand".

I think you could be even a totally traditional person and acknowledge that some women have stronger, more take-the-lead personalities than the men they’re with. Some women wear the pants, so to speak. So why do you get into this cycle of not marrying when you’re acting married to your partner already (living together for years)? If you have a stronger personality than your man, why not buy him a nice watch, get down on a knee and propose?

Potential reasons, I guess:

1. You want the romanticism of being proposed to.

My answer: you might not get everything you want in life/your relationship and that’s okay.

2. You think it means your man doesn’t really want to marry you because he’s not proposing.

My answer: sometimes this may be true, but sometimes he might just not be the type of personality to propose right when the relationship is ready for it.

3. Men should propose, not women.

My answer: In any traditional religious text where does it actually state this? This has just become a traditional gender role, there is no moral basis for this argument. Imagine being the same gender as your partner - it takes the pressure off - we’re all just people.

I will acknowledge, if you already proposed and he said no, then you should consider moving on unless there’s a good reason to wait. Get therapy if you need to. But if you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend considering your personalities and proposing if you tend to be the stronger personality, before you get into this awful cycle of resentment.

Good luck to all y’all on this forum, I know how hard these emotions can be.

Edit- okay, I read all your responses and I get it now. Makes sense it’s not really about the proposal so much as the deeper issues. Sorry I did not read the sub’s wiki. Sending good vibes to all y’all.