I’m interested in how they appear to others outside the home, and within the family.

My family is perceived as a whole hearted family. They go to church. Seem overly thoughtful, generous and light hearted. My dad is the “soul provider/protector” of everyone and my mom is his sweet, lovely, quiet wife.

From the outside perspective, any means of me saying there is any kind of dysfunction or form of abuse is just not true. This makes me believe that I am the issue, ungrateful, unreasonable, and overly sensitive daughter. I often times wonder if I would change my perceptions of them myself, perhaps we would have “the perfect family.”

I believe my father is a covert narcissist. He’s very good a making jokes at others expense, putting others down, racist, sexist, and homophobic. He puts down my mother often. Disregards her needs and lashes out in anger from his overwhelming stress from his work addiction. He makes backwards comments, regularly. Judges people based on their materialism. And was not shy about physical and emotional abuse in my younger years. Very manipulative, only reaches out to others for personal gain.

My mother is delusional, and has adapted a lot of his manipulative behaviors. She’s sweet at her core, but lacks empathy beyond surface level.

I am the outcast. I’m the unreasonable one. And they’re able to share any of my story to make me the villain, and it’s believed.

I'm 29 and my mom is 72 (she had me late). Dad passed away when I was 16. Mom and I have always had a rough, strained relationship. She had insane rage/anger problems when I was growing up, and took it out on my dad and I. We've had a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings.. she is native Korean and never taught me Korean, I only know American English, and my mom isn't fluent in it. Ever since my dad passed my mom has been really dependent on me. She is always broke (she has social security and other money monthly) and always tries to get me to give her money. Our biggest source of arguments and disagreements has been over money. I don't have a career nor am I wealthy. I use EBT for groceries and often wants to use my EBT card. When I was going to college she took my grant money and my survivor benefits (veteran dad), said she needed it for her car or whatever. I didn't get my own car until covid happened and I could use a stimmy as a down payment. After I got my own car, I worked and paid rent, PLUS utility bills including an expensive car insurance premium for both of our vehicles. She's always been against me getting my own insurance separate from hers. Plus many more toxic and troublesome problems. My mother is very immature.

This past year I got pregnant and I had my baby. I moved in with my boyfriend and his parents. My mom smoked cigs in her home and I was stressed living with her, my baby had IUGR, my placenta wasn't working properly, I had a c-section at 36 weeks. Bf and I believe it's probably from my mom's second-hand smoke.

I left my pet chickens at home, 3 of which costed $80 because I got them from a breeder, and last I visited my mom those birds were skinny. I also left my old chihuahua up there. When I moved out my mom and I made a deal where my bf pays for her home's electricity, internet, the car insurance, and garbage bill, and we just buy chicken/dog food as needed. My mom and I just got into a disagreement recently, she blew up at me over me asking her a question. For context, she was staying over Friday the 13th and she was watching my baby while him and I weren't home. Last Monday, my bf found a half burnt cigarette on the floor in front of the couch, and he asked me "was your mom smoking with the baby?", I said "I'm not sure, let me ask her". I called and asked her, and she got extremely angry. Very offended as to me asking her that, I explained to her that maybe he thought that because she smoked in her house while I was pregnant, and that was the wrong thing to say to her. She yelled over the phone "YOUR DOOR WAS CLOSED, YOU KNOW WHAT, IM NOT COMING THERE ANYMORE, DON'T CALL ME ANYMORE".

Bf is just perplexed, because it's not like we accused her or called her a liar. She didn't do it, ok, what's the issue? IDK. But I've been dealing with this shit for years, and to be honest I don't want to entertain it anymore. I have a daughter now and I don't want her being around all that.. I don't want her to be around toxic people. I'm also going back to college for a career, because I don't want to be like my mom, relying on someone else for money the rest of my life. My bf won't take my grant money. If my mom and I aren't talking, and she doesn't want to make an effort to be in her granddaughter's life like a normal grandma would, then I don't think my bf and I should help with her bills and car insurance. Tbh I just want to go get my expensive chickens and my old dog, and be done with my mom.

My bf said don't worry, we'll buy her a new TV for Christmas, that'll probably calm her down. It bothers me that we have to buy her forgiveness, instead of her and I just having a face-to-face talk and resolving things that way. My mom's just going to get angry again at some trivial thing because her feelings are hurt or whatever, she got offended at something I said, I really don't care.

I just wanted to vent for a minute.

My fiancé and I just got engaged last weekend. Toxicity from both of our mothers have already come out.

With my mom, the first thing she asked me is if I’m going to have my dad walk me down the aisle. They are divorced, and not cordial in the slightest. My dad was a shit dad in a lot of ways. If I had to decide right now, I would probably say no to having him walk me down the aisle. When I told my mom this, she jumped in right away and was like, “I’ll walk you down the aisle!” I do NOT want her too. Her and I have more issues than my dad and I do, even though she’s the “better parent.” She’s just toxic and has been very emotionally abusive my whole life. She loves to be the center of attention, and cares too much about what other people think. But acts like she doesn’t.. if that makes sense lol. When I told her I had the opinion that if my dad doesn’t walk me down the aisle then I don’t want anyone too, she became very pushy.

And then there’s my future mother in law. She’s mentally ill. She has been diagnosed with things, but refuses to get help. She was very abusive to my fiancé and his siblings their whole childhood. She started an argument with him out of no where over something so small a couple weeks ago. She couldn’t put it aside to even congratulate us on our engagement. Then on top of it, she unfriended ME on Facebook. She’s still friends with my fiancé though.

I’m worried our whole engagement and wedding planning will be filled with unnecessary drama

I am 21M with a mother, 2 twins brother and sister who are 6 years older than me,and a little sister who is 4 years younger than me

My mother divorced our father but he is a kind person and pays child support

My bed room is shared with my brother for the last 12 years and he acts like a 10 year old , has a job but takes money from my mom ,uncles aunts and lives like he is in a dumbster , bad hygiene, and i have to live with him because my mom says where do you want me to send him and we live 3 floors villa

And every time he makes a mistake or leaves something on and leave it i always get yelled at and i am not even close to the room because ITS OUR BEDROOM

My younger sister is a parasite who snitches and boasts up herself she is better at me in pretty much everything because she can drive and i am not cause thats the man thing to do

And yeah and not like the 1000 times i escorted her to school or to a friend house even when i didn’t want to just because her behaviour to me i did it for my mother sake, no that’s irrelevant to her BECAUSE I AM THE MAN so she can spit in my face and i can’t do nothing

My mother is a delusional who feels that we are healthy family while we aren’t, my brother takes from her money every day and argues,my little sister always wants something that costs a lot of money and they get to argue “no she isn’t an alcoholic just too prideful for her image “

As for me i am trying to be the best version of myself snd taking care of myself but apparently having an opinion or expressing your feelings when your family makes you depressed doesn’t matter

Yesterday i was sitting on the phone not bothering anyone she woke up went downstairs and asked me to give her 100$ cause all the Gas our rented driver for the last month was using for me but it was finals exam month so i wasn’t even using that much Gas

plus we were both broke because it’s the last of the month and i have been taking care of myself meals since the start of it so we got into an argument my little sister joined her side and belittled on how she is the one with license and i am not so makes her a man

I had a lot of things going with my life at that moment including finals I didn’t do well but couldn’t confront the feeling of it yet and then something cracked in me and started crying in my room

I was gonna post this on the S***** hot line community but i don’t think i wasn’t that desperate but just scared of what i want do and progress for the future

I'm 19 and I live with my parents still, and when I was growing up they fought and had screaming matches constantly. Things would be thrown and my mom would leave without saying anything and it was terrifying because I thought something bad would happen to her, and also yk... all the rest of it is scary for a kid.

When I was growing up a lot of it was about money, I remember us being in the hole a lot when I was little. I have issues with spending money and buying things I need because I have such a bad relationship with money from all of that.

My dad has cheated on my mom repeatedly, and she lets him know forgiveness isn't something he deserves. I wished so much when I was younger that they would just get divorced, but that's never going to happen anymore. My mom is catholic, too kind, and disabled. She can't work anymore and is bedridden a lot of the time. My dad brings in the income.

Though a week or two ago my mom was checking Her savings account because we were getting a dog and she was going to take out the money for it from there. She noticed a bunch of money had been taken out of it that she didn't take out or know about until this. A few years back her card info was stolen and they stole a bunch of money from her like that so I took her to the bank under the assumption that something like that was happening again. They told us that in the system it was my dad who came to the bank and made the withdrawals over a series of days.

We got home and my mom called up my dad to found out why the fuck he was taking money out of her account and he told her some story about bitcoin and stocks and that he was putting the money into that. I didn't believe him and my mom knew he was lying about something, they've been married for over 30 years and he's lied to her plenty of times before yk.

I just woke up to them fighting in their room (our walls are thin and their door was open, so I could hear everything) about I think he was taking money again and this time the story was that he was being blackmailed by someone with pornographic pictures/videos of him and the threat of sending it to his work and family. Which is fucking crazy he wouldn't go to the police over instead of giving these scammers almost three thousand dollars.

It's also a very interesting coincidence that just the other night we watched a law & order: svu episode (I watch with my mom, he was just there) about people doing this exact type of extortion shit. Idk if he's telling the truth or not anymore but I'm so fucking sick of him and him doing this to my mom.

They were yelling at eachother and all of a sudden it was like I was a little kid sitting at the top of the stairs while the kitchen is torn apart again. My family doesn't have the money for him to be giving scammers 3k. My mom and I both have health issues and constant drs appointments, and even with my parents military insurance, healthcare is fucking expensive. Food is expensive.

and I just... hate him so much. I hate that he is so selfish and stupid. if he had gone to the cops instead of just giving them the money it would have been better. he's probably cheating on her again and no one would be surprised if he is. my mom deserves so so much more. she is in pain all the time and has struggled with being happy for her whole life. I get so scared about this kinda stuff and I don't know if there is anything I can do. the holidays is already so horrible for me when it comes to family lol. this sucks so much

I'm desperate at this point to find a way to lessen the negative impact that my parents have on me. I'm a female (age:22) and i just cried my eyes out today because of their actions, words, and favoritism. They are not abusive, however they make me feel so depressed and unhappy that it all weighs me down to the point i feel like i just want to die. Their favoritism (which is mostly though simple actions like giving them food first and kind words) towards my brothers kills me from the inside. Their constant criticism destroys me. At the same time, they always expect me to be the most responsible and active in their lives. I have went through hell to gain their praise and i blame myself for it. I never disobey, i'm always good and i always try to be as trouble-free as possible. Now my self-worth is always attached to how they see me and whether they are disappointed in me or not. My self-image is very attached to how they view me. If they view me as unattractive then i feel like the most ugly person on earth. My mood always depends on theirs. If i sense that they are upset, i start thinking whether i am the one that upset them and that ruins my whole day or days. Today, i cried my eyes out because everything just became too much. I hate how my well-being is so attached to them. And i desperately want to separate it but i do not know how. Please i don't want to live like this. My mental state keeps on suffering so much. Please do know that no-contact or even low-contact is not possible.

Me, (f37) have been living by myself for around 9years. Never had a pet when I was a kid and as soon as I started living alone I got a cat as I always wanted one. My parents have repeatedly over these years just say to me out of the blue: "Well, if you get fired and you have to come back home your cats cannot come with you" ( I adopted another stray 4 years ago)

Mind you, I have never in my life as an independent individual asked them for financial support of any kind, nor have I ever been in a real bad situation where I came close to leave my apartment (rented).

This comment made over the years, today they told me again and I snapped because I felt really hurt thinking if I ever came to be in a real bad situation, they will even hurt me more making me get rid of my cats or giving them to a shelter. I told them It was hurtful and I sobbed for hours because they deny they mean that, but I just don't get why they'd make the comment in the first place as It makes me wonder if they even support me fully and truly, if they want the best for me and if they really don't want to hurt me as literally they don't have any reason to just imagine a situation as such.

Did I overreact or are they just making me feel guilty? At this poing I told them for the first time in my life I won't be going for Christmas eve dinner or Christmas morning.

I still live at home with my toxic, manipulative C caribbean family, everyday it's a constant battle to maintain my peace. I completely cut my mother off almost a year now. I already deal with seasonal depression as well as bpd. There's never not any chaos. I'm trying hardest to get back out of this situation. I just don't know what to do anymore.

My mum and sister and very toxic and 5 years ago when I moved out due to constant abuse, belittlement and narristic behaviour I finally realised how bad it was.

Anyway I officially went full no contact with them both 3 years ago and every single birthday and Christmas they send me a card and not only send it they drive over half an hour to hand deliver it in some controlling way. I have people that are still mutral friends and I know they will ask for information on me as my partner says there's notes relating to things that have happened in my life. Some of these people I know tell them that I don't want them to know or any contact and don't tell them information on me.

Anyway does anyone have any ideas on how I can finally get the message across that I don't want them to get in touch anymore. It always makes me feel awful when these cards arrive and just want nothing to do with them anymore

My grandmother choose me as the punching bag in the family. I think it's a few things. I don't do what she thinks is best. She favors my brother and sister because they fit her narrative of what someone should do, marriage, kids, full time job. If my grandmother treats them poorly, they will take the kids away. My dad thinks she's jealous because I lost weight and stick to a diet, (I have hypoglycemia, I have to.) I've never yelled at her or respond angry. I just distance myself.

She thinks she knows what will help my health. She's given, maybe one advice that was helpful. The past couple years it's been worse.

I ran for library trustee, told her and she said it was stupid and I would embarrass myself. I won by 100 votes and I love doing it. She was all happy and supportive around other people once I won.

I was in the ER for an infection, so we responded to the thanksgiving invite late last year. I said because of my schedule and diet I couldn't go to the meal, she called me a child( I'm 27) and said thanksgiving was a meal.

She has continuously made remarks around my diet. Telling me I need to take a multivitamin, I'm not getting enough calories, I can eat cake at a birthday party because I've been good on my diet. I asked her this year if she understands hypoglycemia is a medical condition. We had her over for thanksgiving and when my mom was upstairs and my father in the kitchen. She went in on me about my eating. I have a dietician I listen to her over my grandmother who reads studies on Facebook. She told me she couldn't believe I was ever 185.

Thursday was the absolute worst. I had a seizure due to flashing lights in a video game. So I have to stop playing video games. She has this tree up this year that changes lights slowly. My mom mentioned to her that it would bother me. Her response: I can turn them off, but I won't be happy about it. WTF. Strangers have been kinder about turning of lights.

I didn't get enough sleep to go to Christmas celebration this year. In a video my mom took, I recognized the tree and it would've bothered me. If I had a seizure, she'd probably blame me for ruining Christmas.

I really just needed to type this all out. I'm honestly just done.

I asked my mom to never have her over for a meal like that again. She said she won't. I love my parents.

My boyfriend is my safe person. He was going to go to Christmas this year with me and he was never going to leave my side unless he went to get me something. I was stressed out. I made smaller plans with him to visit my sister and co. It's honestly a relief. I wish I never had to see her again. I wish I could host holidays at my place. I'm not going to talk to her. She didn't even message me asking if I was okay. I didn't expect her too. But it's really. She has epilepsy. She gave me this. I don't even hate her. I'm just done.

This is my first post so I hope this is okay, i'm happy to answer any questions or change anything that is needed, trigger warning for mention of abuse.

For context I am 28 and trans (FTM) but also identify as non binary (he/they), I have been out openly with family for years and do not go by the name I was given at birth. Without going into too much detail, I have a very conflicting relationship with my mother due to past abuse but have maintained a relationship with her, I have not lived with her since I was around 16 and luckily had my dad to take me in at that time. I am now fully moved out and usually do short visits with my mother for holidays and birthdays. When I first came out to family I was about 20 so there has been plenty of time for adjustment, my mother has used my chosen name and pronouns plenty of times and has even gifted me cards with the name, even so she does tend to "slip up" and use my dead name often. Her constant miss-gendering and miss-identification of me has been another point of contest between us but I usually just let it slide to keep the peace.

Very recently (within the last month) her and her wife went on a holiday together. During this trip her wife, who has known me for around 7 years and is equally familiar with my name and pronouns decided to get a family tree tattoo. I found out about this when my mother confidentially told me through a message where she also attached an image of the tattoo.....it's not small, it's takes up around half of her forearm and is extremely noticeable. Nestled in are names from my immediate family and then to the side is my dead name which is also placed on the side with all the other female family members.

This is something that hurt me deeply and for some reason became the push I needed to finally address the issue, instead of just accepting it I sent a message explaining how it made me feel and that I was disapproving and instead of trying to understand or apologizing she deflected the blame onto her wife and began guilt tripping me and using the same excuses she always does 'i'm trying' etc.

Instead of dealing with it I just blocked her and went radio silent for a while, unfortunately this caused me to begin having extreme headaches and made me feel sick, amping up my depression and anxiety so I unblocked her shortly after. It's been a few weeks of her continually badgering me with messages trying to get me to answer and paint me as a bad guy and calling herself a bad mother and today I reached my limit again and blocked her. Her last message to me was her blaming me for making her mentally and physically unwell...I am now experiencing the same horrible feelings as before and keep bouncing back and forth on if i'm actually just over reacting or what to even do....

I turned to Reddit by recommendation of my best friend who said I could use a few unbiased voices of opinions but i'm not really sure, I guess this is just a vent to the void mostly but i'm just feeling so guilty right now and not sure if blocking was the right thing...I wish parent relationships were less complicated.

My family is built on generational trauma. I feel like I can't be too specific because it's all "family secret" crap, but I'll say that almost everything bad that can happen in a family, has happened in my family. At way too young of an age, I knew why my blood grandfather was murdered in jail...I should not have known this at the age I did. I'm the only child of a single mother, and she's confided in me since I was old enough to listen. The trigger for the divorce was because of me. When I was six, my father took me to meet his girlfriend and I told me mom that he was being unfaithful. I was handed the responsibility of my parents relationship before I was even in grade school. I've been told things that not even adults should know about their parents. I've heard about violence and addiction and incredibly brutal SA since I was way too young to be exposed to that. I feel like I can't say no to my mom for any reason because she's been through so much and I sometimes feel like I was put on this earth only to support her.

I've been really exhausted by it lately. A few weeks ago my mom found out that the woman who I was always told was my great grandmother was actually not, and my actual great grandmother was some random person. This information was very casually told to me. A few nights ago I was having dinner with my mom and boyfriend and in a fun conversation about family histories, she told us that she found out that it looks like some of our family was murdered in Auschwitz. So now my boyfriend also has to process that information...I'm always so scared he's going to leave me because my family is just so fucking intense and exhausting.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't know how to get out. My mom needs me and I feel like I'll never be free from the tar pit that is generational trauma.

Hey guys! I'm 17 with a home situation I hate. I turn 18 in February so it's not too far away. I graduated highschool a year early so that's not a concern for me. Along with that I have just started a full time job. I took one semester of college and hated it honestly. I love my job but i want an education where i don't sit in a classroom. I live in the same shitty city i was born in and my dad was born in. I want to move out. I don't want to live in my state anymore or with my parents because of how i'm treated. How would people from a parents perspective or just an adults perspective suggest me go about this.

i don't even know where to start. im 16 and my dad will never leave me alone, he never has anything nice to say. like today, i was just laying in bed and i just layed down and he come home and goes to my room takes off my covers, my whole blinds takes away my phone and tells me i will get it back when i learn how to respect my parents when i haven't even done anything to him. later on i tell him my grandma told me to go to her house and so while i was getting ready he decided to call her and she isn't picking up. as i was leaving he told me to wait so he can call her because he always thinks im lying. she picks up and he doesnt even say my name he just says have you been expecting someone she sounds confused since she is quite old and he told me to go back upstairs and i've already gotten dressed and done my makeup. my grandma calls him again and asks when i'm coming then he says i can go and he expects me in an hour. i get dressed again and go back downstairs and he tells me i cant go anymore again. he does this every single time. like a week ago i told my mum a week in advance my friends asked me to go out. my dad was the only one in the house and he calls my mum because he thinks in lying and when she picks up she acts confused. she does this every single time because she hates me going out and bare in mind i've told her everyday for a week about my plans. i start crying because he hits me and insults me calling a liar and starts to record me following me around everywhere and laughing. most of the time i just stay inside all day with no wifi because he turns it off for me just on my bed doing nothing. i can't study for my gcses since my course is online, i cant call or text my friends i can't do anything and there's way more that my dad has done i can't say it on here to the point where i've become suicidal.

I am f14 and my mom is f35.

My mom has always been rather paranoid as well as quick to anger, (even before she had me) I have a phone and usually whenever she asked to go through it id let her. Problem was is that she would also go through private messages with my family members and stuff.

So on this particular day I was in the living room with my grandma. I was on my phone just looking through youtube. My mom comes in and asks who im talking to. I tell her nobody and then she says "well let me look through it then" this time, i told her no. Which ended up being a big mistake.

She started to yell at me at the top of her lungs. (im not kidding when I say that either, it actually made my ears hurt) It was both scary and it made me ears hurt. I have autism to so I imagine id probably be more sensitive to that kind of thing too. She kept yelling a bunch of different stuff at me, here is what follows:

"You are fucking crazy, you need to be medicated"

"I can't deal with your shit anymore, i'm calling the cops on you"

"I am your mom damnit, I can do whatever I want to you"

"You must have had some pretty fucked up shit on that phone for you to not want me to go through it" (After this she preceded to accuse me of plotting to kill her which I was not)

She yelled some other stuff as well but I can't remember, Then she charged at me to try and get my phone by grabbing me which ended up giving me a scractch from her ring. The was she was grabbing me honestly kinda hurt too.

Then after all that, she comes in the room and says "After all ive done for you, you are just so ungrateful" (Oh yes she LOVES to call me ungrateful. That is one of the main things she says)

I 26f live abroad. I have really bad anxiety and smoke (leaves) to help cope. I am currently back at home for the holidays and in my country smoke is illegal, so I brought a vape with me.

The reason I do this is because my mother is a key reason for my anxiety (emotional/physical abuse when I was young, parentifying me as I am the oldest, and constant badgering of me/ comparisons). My mother is religious and strict so obviously this kind of stuff is a big NO NO.

Unfortunately today she found my vape, and we had a conversation (argument) were I try to explain my anxiety etc, nope she blames it on me living alone (something she's been on my case about for years) and other nonsense things. And basically sets a final Ultimatum that I must move home within 3 months. That I cannot handle myself on my own.

Now to be fair the current city I live in has been pretty rough for me (racism in my job, crazy ex roommates, as well as being severely underpaid for my qualifications) and I would like to move to another city, but I DO NOT want to live at home. I mean as soon as she picked me up in the airport last week she spent 30 mins yelling about how I smell, and I'm a pig etc... basically it is really rough for me at home, she is divorcing my dad so channels a lot of that frustration on to me, as well as having severe ocd / bad temper. To be clear my mother isn't evil incarnate (she put my through college) but we just don't get along when I'm at home

I don't know what to do, all she does is give examples of other young adults she knows living at home and saving money and she can't understand (or is not reflective enough to see why I have been saying no to moving home). I do want to leave my current city but I do LOVE living by myself, I love my tiny studio, I love my group of friends there and I am currently seeing someone in this country. I do have a plan to move back to my home country by end of next year for school but she wants me back asap.

How do I navigate this? The vape seemed to be her final straw, my brothers said that I should just do it so she won't cut me out of her life, but why is she so obsessed with me living at home. I need some advice please. Should I just do what she says and move home? the plan is to move to another city in our home country around august 2025, should I just stick those 5 months at home ? Or is there a way I can convince her that I'm fine and don't need to be back till august. Any advice will Help ! (Ironically this whole situation is hugely triggering my anxiety and she took my vape lmaoo)

Basically, i’m 16f and me and my mom are the only people who live at home. 3 weeks ago, i had 3 shifts in a week and was planning on using this money to buy my mom’s christmas presents, however we got into a huge argument and she stopped me from doing these shifts, as I forgot to do a chore and she said “why should I let you work for others when you do nothing for me”. So I said to her “how am i going to get money to afford your christmas gifts”, to which she told me multiple times she didn’t even want anything. We’ve argued until about the start of this week. I was planning to do some last minute christmas shopping tomorrow, but I broke my foot and therefore couldn’t work the rest of this week. Pre argument, I had gotten her some perfume, chocolates and a card. I got the courage today to tell her about this situation and she’s completely lost it with me, shouting that i’m ungrateful and i don’t care about her. What should I actually do because i’m insanely stressed thinking about how bitter christmas day is going to be

So I (23 F) got into an argument with my sister (37 F) who likes to gaslight and pretend that she knows everything. No matter what someone is discussing with her, she will always have a situation that was better or more difficult. She is 14 years older than me and she has lived in a different country for most of my life so it really irritates me when she comes home and acts like she knows more about my life than me....like she was never even home. I got adopted when she was in university so she never lived with me either.

Today we got into an argument. I said I wasn't going to put up with the horrible way that my Mom and other family members treat me anymore. My friends and every therapist that I have spoken to have all said that I need to distance myself from my family. My sister had the nerve to say to me that I won't be able to experience empathy until I'm over 25. She said that I'm not being fair to our mom nor was I being empathetic to the fact that her dad died when she was young and that she was raised by a single mother. I have tolerated abuse from my mom for so long simply because I was trying to be understanding. But now I am done. I'm tired of being treated like second-class in my own family. I know being a mother isn't easy but my parents shouldn't have adopted more kids if they were burnt out from parenting.

I didn't even know how to respond to this. I felt like slapping her and reminder her that my father was murdered, I grew up in an orphanage in a third-world country, I had to leave all of my other family when I got adopted, I moved to a country where I am constantly being subjected to racism, I had JUST disclosed to her that I had been molested as a child (and received very little support from our parents), and that I had been raped and never told anyone because I didn't think I would receive any support. In addition, I have basically been a full time volunteer for the past 5 years and that I had received numerous awards and a Rhodes scholarship nomination for my humanitarian work. But I never bring these things up (most people don't even know these things about me) and I certainly don't use it as an excuse to mistreat people. My sister is bougie, pretentious and privileged. Every time she flies home she gets into an argument and starts crying (claiming to be the victim).

What do you think I should do about this? I always felt like I matured at a very young age because of my somewhat traumatic childhood. I don't like to avoid problems which is why I disclosed this information with her after keeping it a secret for over 10 years.....but now I think I should have just stayed silent and continued to distance myself from my family until I only saw them at Christmas.

My home life is complete shit. My mom and I's relationship confuses me. We feel like the best of friends, and then she gets upset and destroys shit, and I get told I don't help, and she's disowning me since I was little. She would threaten me with sending me to live with my father or calling the cops. My family is so small, and My grandmother is a no-go for many reasons. Then I go crawling back, and everything goes back to normal, and then It repeats: she and my stepdad fight constantly, and she threatens him, and she only has gotten violent a few times with me, and she always talks about her health and how bad she feels, but I don't know If I believe her she weaponizes it whenever she can and I don't know how to feel I love her to death, but she just turns her back on me the first chance she gets.

I truly do love my parents and I am grateful for them, but I was always the scapegoat child. My parents always favored my sister and made it very clear they always thought I was the problem. Without getting into too many details, they would scream at me, pull me out of school and make my life hell for small things/ things that weren’t my fault, but when my sister would do similar things there were no consequences.

Our relationship was the worst during early high school, and although I love them, i am unable to get past some of the things they have done/ said to me and its prevented me from being as close with them as I would like. After the worst of it happened, I spend all my time after school days working and all my time on the weekends with my boyfriend (now fiancé). I am now 19 and moved out with my fiancé and every time I go home I leave sad because my sister has the relationship with them I have always wanted. The way she is treated is so different from the way I was treated, and I feel like it’s not fair she has the family dynamic I’ve always wanted. (I love my sister and I know it’s not her fault.)
I recognize that some of it is my fault because I kind of do my own thing, and the way they treat me now is a lot better since I am able to have my own space and be independent, but it still hurts. Can anyone relate to this or have any insight?

I’m F(20) and my bf is M(21), we have been dating for a little over a year and I’m still having a hard time with my family dynamics and him. I spend most of my time either on campus or at his house rather than my house even though we live 15 min away from eachother. She talks about how he doesn’t talk and doesn’t put in an effort and how he was late the first time we met and disregards all other great things about him. She always calls him “the boy” (same with other exes). For reference he was late because he couldn’t find his wallet and I felt it was important for him to find it and I voiced that to my mom but she disagreed. When I talk to her about how I don’t feel like she’s happy for me in my relationship she always say she feels like “that boy is hiding you away” or “he’s making an excuse to have you over again”. She gets jealous and says she feels like he is stealing me away from her and that she has to compete for my attention. This gets really frustrating as I already have a strained relationship with my parents but I just want to feel supported. His mom is like my second mother along with his dad. They always want me to stay and make food for me and are perfect and not strict as we are getting older. Whereas my mom likes to implement a curfew, or doesn’t want me to go out because I haven’t been home enough (keep in mind my college is only 45 min away and I work with my father who I have issues with hence why I am not there as well and she knows this). She always talks about how he didn’t make a strong or good first impression but seems to forget all he’s done for me or doesn’t even acknowledge it. It gets hard and gets me to the point where I don’t want to be home. My family are hoarders and are quite messy but have always spoiled and tried to take care of me. Lots of things to be greatful for but many things to be upset about. My I discovered my dad cheating on my mom when I was 16 and she’s still staying. I get put in between the fights and I feel obligated to be there because of what happened. It’s hard for me to branch out and my mom shot down the idea of us living together. His parents are thinking of getting him a condo and renting out the other rooms to the students nearby, saving a room for him and a room for me for very cheap rent that’s the best rate I could get in the area. They would rather me live in the dorms with freshman (as a senior) or live at home with them (which would make me go crazy). My mom insists it’s a bad idea and that we are going to break up and it’s just terrible meanwhile his parents expressed similar concerns to him but heard how he felt very confident and instead just supported him. I feel very unsupported and just annoyed whenever I’m home. My parents are great and yes they love to spoil me and I’m very fortunate but it feels like it comes at a cost. They always guilt trip me for not being there and say how my boyfriend “stole me”. They never ask about him and really no nothing sbout him. Although I grew up great and am very fortunate, I have endured alot of family trauma, abuse etc. some I haven’t gone into detail about. I simply and ready to start being more independent and discover myself but they don’t support me at all. It is hard to come home and want to stay and be happy when they are so negative. Unclean. Etc. Knowing my boyfriend lives so close I always end up going there and the guilt trip texts about how it “ditch my mom” comes flooding in. I guess what I am asking is is this normal? What would you guys do? I’ve tried to talk to her but I feel like that’s hasn’t worked. Sometimes I just wish my mom could take a page out of his parents books and learn to be more supportive. The environment in their house is so much better but when I let my parents know this they tell me they will take my car, phone and college away. I love my boyfriend and see us getting married as this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I’ve never been supported in any relationships past the age of 16 so it’s been hard to open up to my mom. I just want everyone to be happy but I also need my peace. This was somewhat of a rant and somewhat of a why does my mom hate my boyfriend and not give him a chance when he is such a caring man? What would you guys do. How would you handle this. Should I just save up to move out. It’s hard because my parents are much much older and they always use the “I will die soon” card on me and working with my father drains me as well. I am tracked on life 360 and text every day. I feel like I am connected to them but apparently not as much. What can I do to make this better or should I just work to move out and move on with my life. I know this was a bit scattered so sorry for that.

Incredibly toxic grandmother

To keep a very long story short, my grandmother on my mom’s side is incredibly toxic and always has been. Extremely verbally abusive and manipulative. I (24F) made the choice to cut her off a few years ago. My mom knows how badly she hurt me and continues to seek out a relationship with her. My mom has not cut her off. She treats my mom terribly. My mom also married my father who is essentially the male version of my grandma. I do still talk to him but we don’t have a wonderful relationship.

Today I hit a breaking point as my mom last minute cancelled plans with my to do something with my toxic grandmother. I very calmly explained to her how that is hurtful, particularly when she knows how much my grandmother has hurt me. She proceeded to become very quiet and immediately I felt awful for bringing it up. I feel terrible but don’t know if I’m in the wrong. I love my mother very much and we have a good relationship. I feel like I’ve ruined it.

Im 20 M, dropped out of college . Living in my parents place. I suffer from asthama so i like to keep my windows open for yk some fresh air . My mother randomly barges in and starts screaming "close the window you [r word in my native language]" and started saying shit about me aloud for almost 30 minutes . And this shit happens everyday not once nor twice i dont even count how many times . I cant eat sleep shit anything without getting nagged . I will rejoin college next year cuz i cant take this shit anymore . I wish i had better parents or these people never gave birth to me.

I hate my parents; I know family is supposed to come first. But my parents are very toxic. My parents want reputation they crave having the best daughter. They compare me to my cousins, friends, even strangers I don't even know. My mom loves to play victim, she blames everything on me. "I can't do this because I have you" "I pay for your school" "when you get a job you are going to pay everything back to me" "I bought you a car" etc. I'm 24 years old but she still views me as a kid. I can't drink, I can't go out. Every time I am with my friends she'll contact me screaming or contact my friends to the point they don't talk to me anymore. She wants me to get a husband and get married. I'm only 24... I'm stupid I'm ugly im fat I'm blah blah blah. overall I have so much trauma from my parents. I hate them so much...

I just want to know if these things count as toxic parenting and if I should tell my therapist abt it

-when i was little my dad took videos of me crying instead of comforting me thinking it was funny

-In 5th grade I had a hard time sleeping for weeks, so I asked my mom to help but she got mad so she help a wet towel on my face and I couldn't breath, she was trying to help me fall asleep and also slapped me on the face (in the morning she said she didn't mean it to be mean and she was sorry but it was to help me so I was overreacting)

• my dad was yelling at me for making us late to an event so I hide in my room, he kicked the door

to open it because, I was behind it, so he kicked me in my ribs super hard and It hurt to breath (he never apologized)

-My parents always get irritated over things easily and throw the blame on me even if it's not my fault

-My mom complains about my dad and brother to me sometimes

-when ever my family fights (pretty often) my mom always yells at me (or my brother) and when we say something back she starts crying and calling us rude (just guilt tripping basically)

For context, I unfortunately still live at home and have to deal with my family non stop. I do not want to live here but cannot afford to move out right away. Trying my best to, but it’s not easy. I have never had a great relationship with my parents, as my dad was an alcoholic and abused me up until I was 19 and my mom enabled everything / made excuses. He’s sober now but is still pretty abusive and my mom doesn’t give a fuck. She always says move out and things will get better, like she just really doesn’t seem to care about how I feel at all. My siblings don’t like to go against or disagree with my parents at all, and kiss their asses. So I’m just the odd one out no matter what. I don’t even try to go against them or anything, just sometimes I do things differently or I don’t agree and I’m made to feel like I’m a shitty person if that’s the case.

So to begin the point of this post, my parents got puppies recently. Both are boys and are so adorable! But, I take care of dogs for a living, so naturally, everything has been put on me. Yet when it comes to certain things so far, my dad will not listen and tells me what to do. He’s not nice about it either. It’s cold out and the dogs have barely gone outside, they shiver every time they do. My dad says they don’t need coats, I say (nicely) they do and my mom agrees with me, yet when my dad says no they don’t and (unnecessarily) gets mad about it, my mom just goes along with what he says. Before the puppies came, they bought carpets to put down because they “don’t want the floors to get ruined” and I said maybe we shouldn’t because they’ll just go the bathroom on them all. They said “we’ll see” and I was annoyed. And yes, all they’ve done is gone the bathroom on them! My parents complain every time too. They told me I didn’t know what I was talking about every time it was brought up and yet here we are 🙂 The other night one of the puppies started screeching which woke me up, and I could hear my dad talking to one of them but instead of taking him out of the crate, he left it to screech. So I went out and took the puppy out of the crate, come to find out he pooped all over its little bed / pillow thing inside the crate. My dad was mad I took him out and then proceeded to call me an asshole and didn’t help me clean up the poop. After I took him out, he went over to the pee pad and continued to go the bathroom. The other puppy started screeching and my dad said not to take him out, but I could see he was getting ready to go the bathroom too, so I did. He ended up going on the pee pad as well. Again I was called an asshole, yet I avoided the other little pillow / bed thing from being pooped on. It smells horrific so idk why he wouldn’t want to try and prevent that - he’d kinda just be making more work for himself. I was wondering if I didn’t wake up that night if my dad would’ve woken me up to clean it.. I’m assuming yes.

Really what has been aggravating me the most is that my dad just keeps going to do things he doesn’t necessarily need to do as if he doesn’t have two puppies at home. He’s made me cancel plans to watch them so he can go watch a hockey game or go golfing. My siblings go out and do whatever and my mom has been working these times. He doesn’t ask if anyone is going to be around and doesn’t really seem to care, he just goes and expects me to take care of it. He’s acting like he doesn’t have this responsibility and it’s really frustrating as I’m not always going to be able to drop what I’m doing to watch them. My siblings haven’t really helped out much and my mom agreed that he shouldn’t be going out as much, yet when we all had a conversation about it today, my mom said nothing and my dad screamed at me, saying I was a miserable bitch and it’s a team effort. So if it’s a team effort, why have I been the one doing EVERYTHING? Why are you vetoing everything I say, yet you won’t do it yourself and tell me to take care of it every time? It’s like he doesn’t want the responsibility, he wants the control.

I don’t even want the puppies anymore, which I hate to even say. I love animals and have always wanted pets. My siblings have too, they just clearly don’t want the responsibility. I don’t have it in my heart to just stop helping because I feel like it’s going to be worse if I do. My dad has sucked the fun right out of it for me and my mom needs to grow a fucking spine for once. This is not what I imagined having puppies would be like.

Anyone else find the holiday season to be the absolute worst? My mom is extra mean and toxic and just evil I don’t know if I can bounce back from it this year honestly it’s getting too hard. I accidentally overheard her complaining about me and it was just crazy. Things that I can’t control like my autoimmune disease and my kids. I’m feeling very alone and sad.

Help or advice would be greatly appreciated tia 😞❤️

Is Christmas also a very hard time for others living in a neglectful/abusive household? Two of my siblings have moved across the country to get away from my parents, and it’s just my brother and I trying to keep the house afloat while my mother continues to spend far more than what we make. Just the other month my brother had to give her $3000 to get herself out of some bad debt. It’s been years of this and around Christmas, I’m used to not getting any gifts. It was embarrassing growing up because we would go visit my extended family and while they would be opening so many gifts, my siblings and I just sat there in our ill-fitted hand-me-down clothing while our parents chain smoked and sat there playing their scratch tickets. Given that this has been a trend forever, my brother and I decided we’re not going to get my parents anything this year. I feel like it’s going to be a conversation where they both act very petty on Christmas morning and make comments about us not loving them and being bad kids. It’s exhausting being in this house, but the second we try to have a conversation about it, we’re told to shut up and called ungrateful.

My mom (55f) and I (25f) are living together at the moment. In the beginning of January I am moving out. I told her last night. So obviously short notice. I did this so she can’t convince me to stay with her. But last night I feel she made valid points on how poorly I’ve handled the situation and how I shouldn’t leave. Points she made -I have bipolar & can be suicidal -I have panic attacks -she’s done so much to try and keep me safe -I’ve broken her trust by getting a secret savings account she doesn’t have access to. And I’ve gotten a $6k limit on my new credit card without telling her. -she’s never done anything behind my back -she currently has $9 in her account, no savings and a $2k maxed out card -I’ve let her struggle with money in my bank -she gave me $225 for my car repairs -she’s never tried to kick me out -if I leave she’ll have no car. -she’s spent her 140k inheritance

That’s all I can think of now that she said.

I still want to leave. But I feel tremendously uncomfortable, stressed, and guilty. I feel if I just backtracked now I’d feel better. I think I’ve made a mistake with everything.

I need guidance which I know is odd because I’m 25 yo but I’ve never lived on my own, or moved out. Even for college I stayed home. I’m scared. I don’t know what the right answer is.

My mum was born to a hippie mother and grew up without faith. When my oldest brother was born, to a different father, she raised him in a buddhist monastery. Almost a decade later she left him, moved across the country to be with my father and had me and my brother. I was raised buddhist for the first few years of me life, I barely remember this. My father was abusive and she finally left with us when I was 5. She had also recently converted to Islam. I was raised in a muslim community with muslim faith. I attended a Catholic primary school because there were few options where I grew up. It’s important to note my mother takes her faith very seriously, she doesn’t half-arse this stuff. When buddhist she lived in a temple with many others, practicing buddhism. When she converted to Islam she donned modest clothing and hijab, she prayed throughout the day, I attended classes at the mosque and ate no pork, we moved to a muslim community. She was strict. She asked us to protest prayer at our Catholic school and we would get in trouble for a lack of participation. It was her whole identity. We lived in a rural, conservative town in Australia when islamophobia was on the rise so she put up with a lot and was loud and proud. A few years after leaving my father she left for Algeria to marry a muslim man she met online and she tried to pass me off as his daughter. It did not last long, in fact he never moved here and she divorced him maybe a year later. My brother eventually moved in with his father. We moved in with her mother. Religion aside, she has always been very far left, with a huge focus on environmentalism. She would get on what we call ‘trips’. Spend the whole summer on her computer ‘protesting’ dolphin hunting in Japan, end up in the papers protesting circus use of animals, devote a decade to veganism, decide we need to move into a caravan or move to another country. I don’t live with her anymore but maybe 5 years ago she started getting really interested in trans people. She spent all her days on twitter. Fast forward a bit and she is now ultra conservative, devoted to Donald Trump and US politics, no longer believes in climate change, quit veganism, hates immigrants and spends all her time at church, she’s now an ‘evangelical anglican’. I forgot to mention she’s on her 10th(??) name change. She’s changed multiple times to fit her religious status. She’s also now a huge islamophobe and racist. But her biggest thing is trans people, it’s all she speaks of. It’s impossible to talk to her and not hear about it. Every time she develops a new belief or religion she acts like everyone around her is beneath her for not immediately believing this. Like we’re all idiots and she’s always knows it. I cannot even fit everything into this post. What is this? How are we supposed to deal with it? I’m actually at my breaking point, I don’t want to have contact anymore. Has anyone been through this?