We have smart home devices in each room and sometimes we send each other messages via these.

The other day I sat down for a dinner, my 4 yo was in the bedroom next door.

The device says "You have one new message: mom, look what I'm doing in the bedroom!“

I send one back: "I'm eating, I'll come in 10 minutes"

"you have one new message: mom, I'm doing something very dangerous and I can hit my head on the bed frame, you need to come look at me ASAP"

I can't 😂

Temporary teacher in the preschool makes herself familiar with the class. Asks kids what are their first and last names and memorizes their faces.
She asks my 4yo:"What's your last name?"
"Prime" he says.
She goes through the list, no kids with such a last name.
"Come again?" she asks.
He repeats: "Prime!"
She puts her glasses on. No such kid.
"Ok, what's your first name?"
"Optimus Prime!"

Me:

5F: (eating a hot dog) Mommy, I counted to infinity already.

On our way home from a family event last night we stopped to buy milk and bread as both ran out during the day yesterday. My wife ran into the store and left me and the three kids in the car to wait for her.

We're sitting in the car listening to music, when suddenly my oldest from the third row notices the freezers full of ice bags outside the store.

6YO: "Dad, when you come here to buy ice, which bag do you get?"

Me: "Huh?"

6YO (Slowly and louder): "When you buy ice. Which bag do you get?"

Me: "Um...the big bag?"

The three kids all start cracking up in their seats. I assume it has something to do with the sign on the ice chest that says the big bag, or at least that's what my oldest saw.

3YO: "What bag?"

Me: "The BIG BAG"

More laughter. 1.5YO: "Wa ba?"

Me (in the most absurdly deep voice I can produce): "THE BIG BAG"

More laughter. Then all three kids spent a few minutes saying "The Big Bag" in their deepest voices to each other. For five solid minutes while we awaited my wife to return, the boys laughed about "the big bag."

I still don't get it, but it was fun.

Asked my 5 year old. My 8 year old replied: "Not that one! None of our victims are buried there..."

And he just starts over every time, I'm going crazy😅

Mom, why does... Mom, why robots are... Mom, why... Mom why is that th... Mom, wh... Mom, why the truck is... Mom, why do police cars have blinkers?

my 4yo at 1:55 a.m. this morning (3 minutes ago) pfm

My nephew is spending the night and our neighbor’s cat hangs out on our porch.

We told him the cat looks pregnant and he said, “Why don’t you give her a test?” We said they don’t sell pregnancy tests for cats.

He said, “Oh, you can just get a regular one, but you have to stick it up her butt.”

My husband and I both swear, as soon as he said that, the cat gave us a look that said try it and die. 😂🤣

Context is, we were playing and she had a random thought she had to get out per usual.

Like okay kiddo your the one that wanted to run around in just your pull up all day lol

I said, “Yes, of course.” When president Carter recently passed at 100, I told my wife, “I hope he got to poop outside.”

The context is….nothing. I told him his aunt lives in Florida and that was his response. Now Florida is even more terrifying!

As a father of two I always struggled to find the right place to jot down quickly when my children said something funny. Usually opted for one of the many notes app on my phone, but for sure I won't be able to find 80% of it ever again.

So I created a simple mobile app (called "Fun Bits") and while at it I published it for free for Android and iOS also, feel free to use it - details I'll add in a comment.

To add real content also, let me share a recent story also: My younger (6) just stayed first time alone only with his sister for half an hour while dropped off my wife, and when I got back and asked if everything was ok: "I had pain here" - pointing at his heart - "but you are back and it's gone". Probably he was just laying on his chest while playing, but that's definitely not how I choose to interpret it.

Mods, if the post is not ok please remove it, I tried to ask about it earlier.

It went pretty much like this:

Me, lounging on the couch watching some TV.

Niece comes in after waking up, still in her pajamas. Comes over to sit on the couch and then flop into my lap.

Me, seeing that her shirt rode up a little: You're still wearing your Goodnite.

Niece: Mmm.

Me: Are you wet?

Niece, yawning: No...

Me, teasing her a little by reaching down to pull out the back of her Goodnite: Did you poop?

Niece, slapping my hand away and turning over to glare at me: That was one time!

Me: And it shall never be forgotten.

And we just cuddled until we needed to go run errands, in which she changed into her panties, and then back into that same Goodnite when it was bedtime.

That is all. Have a great day/evening/night/morning!

Sure kid, I'll be biting my nails all week, watching that half finished bottle sitting on the counter for me.

I am currently on the back end of a really bad flu. My wife went to the store and got me some cough drops. When she arrived home, she handed them to my daughter (7) to bring to me upstairs.

Daughter, upon arriving in the room: Dad, mom got you cough drops.

Me: Thanks. Just put them on the counter in the bathroom.

Her: OK. Mom said to tell you they were 80 proof.

Me: They're what?

Her: They're 80 proof. Mom told me to tell you they're 80 proof.

Me: Bring me the bag.

80 Drops

Apparently, my wife must have had a margarita on her mind. I asked her to get the biggest bag she could. She told my daughter that they were 80 proof cough drops, instead of the bag cintaining 80 cough drops. Not knowing one way or another, my daughter presented them.

My 6yo daughter putting a bow on the back of my head to “cover the skin” or her telling my wife that she likes the house but thinks “it could be cleaner.”

Leading up to his second birthday, we were teaching my son to say his age. Ex. "Soon you'll have a birthday, do you know how old you'll be? Two! How many fingers is that?" etc.

Then on the day of, I asked him, "Today is your birthday! Do you remember how old you are?"

He responded, "Two," and then after a moment pointed at himself and announced, "Man!" Whatever you say, kiddo! They really do grow up so fast, lol

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2.5 year old found a Santa hat and wanted to wear it while he brushed his teeth and went potty before bed.

“Mommy, does Santa have a penis?”

“Well, Santa’s a boy, so yes, he has a penis.” (We will one day educate him on our trans friends, but today was not that day)

“Ok. I want to pee like Santa!” (When he pees standing up, it’s peeing like daddy, but now Santa also has a penis, so I guess he can also pee like Santa..?)

This morning at breakfast he gleefully declares: “Mommy! Santa has a penis!!”

“Yes he does honey... Please don’t say that at school today..”

Oof- What have I done!

“Don’t break it, it’s already new!!!” About a freshly blown up balloon…

Preface - almost everyone on both sides of the family have glasses. My 5 year old got glasses this year after starting kindergarten.

5 year old was practicing reading.

3 year old starts sobbing “I can’t read because I don’t have glasses! I need glasses!”

Not how that works lol

There I was, minding my own business, painting our back hallway and listening and singing along to the Wicked soundtrack, when I hear my 4.5yo from two rooms away.

“MOMMY!!! STOP SINGING!!! I CAN’T DRAW WITH YOU SINGING!!!”

Like, I’m no Idina Menzel, but I didn’t think I was that bad. Damn.

My 7yo during her first experience using Khan Academy to practice math.

My daughter is on the spectrum. She’s highly intelligent, and has a quick wit with an unmatched sense of humor. She has some verbal ticks, at times she has severe anxiety and a lot of sensory issues Last year after going on a hike she ended up with a tick on her shoulder. This was a very traumatizing experience for her, she has not forgotten it and probably never will. Fast forward to recently, I’m having a conversation with her about her school friends and she says “something that I REALLY hate and makes me cringe is when people become upset about something and they say “I’m ticked off!!” It drives me crazy, cause I’m like wait a min, have you ever been ticked ON!??’ 😂

On my way out the door to a NYE event, I told him it will be a whole new year when I see him next. He sighed loudly and said, “don't remind me! It can’t be 2025. That’s one year closer to 2050. In 2050, I’ll be 33!” I asked him what’s so wrong with being 33? He said, “33 is close to 50 which is close to 65 which is close to 75 which is close to death!!”

Happy New Year to those of us with one foot in the grave!

I have no idea where it came from. I'm sure we've said the word suicide around him and might have been talking with other adults about the topic from a cartoon, but we don't joke about suicide around him.

We both just smiled and so "don't worry sweety, we will never do that".

If swearing is not your thing, go no further.

My son has a history of using swear words he has heard from his mother and I. The most recent usage had the two of us pissing ourselves laughing.

Mum: Americans don’t get how casually many of us (Aussies) swear and seem almost horrified.

14m: Thats fucked.

Cue our hilarious laughter.

Other examples are when he was two and seeing a picture of a $100 bill

2m: look daddy, 1 dollars!

Me: Thats a $100 note

2m(slowly and laconically): Faaaaarrrrrrk

Or

A car changes lanes safely and using its indicators in front of us

3m: Fuck sake!!!!

We love our moravian swearing bear