My club is r/dumbfuckers_club and no one posts

I am here no one knows of my existence

ALEX WASNT HERE AGAIN TODAY IMMA SOB

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It didn't even feel like it was my birthday. My Dad treated me like shit like he always does everyday. My siblings only made fun of me and did their usual hobbies. I had to remind my Mom it was my birthday today. My sister just yelled at me to do most of her chores. And my Dad didn't even bother buying me a cake and expected me to make one myself when we do not even have the ingredients to make one. I couldn't even make a 2-3 ingredient cake for myself and it's only a few more minutes until my birthday is over. I am going to cry tonight.

Today my mother brought me to a sewing class at 8:30 am, today we were seeing simple beanies, in the hour I'm here, I cut my finger, run out of string, make the needle fall out and I have now cried 4 times, I am at my final string right now

I’ve not vented to many people at all about this so here goes. I met my best friend in first grade we immediately were drawn to each other for unknown reasons as we really were polar opposites, I was/am a quiet person and not at all athletic, he was very outgoing/talkative and extremely athletic. We mostly bonded through, believe it or not, videogames. We played a lot of modern warfare 3 back in those days when it first came out, it evolved into other games in the future, but that’s not super relevant. Fast forward a few years and we have become “brothers” we are around each other all the time, inseparable. We did everything together. Every picture from my childhood was with him. In the sixth grade my father lost his job on the railroad in my hometown, where my friend lived, so we moved all the way to Kansas, about 8 hours away from where I was living originally. This did not bring us further apart, we still played online and talked regularly through Xbox party chat. Fast forward a few years and I had moved around a lot and ended up in Texas. Still not close to where he lived but slightly closer. He visited a bit and it was as if nothing had changed. A couple of years later, we’re now 15 years old. Still great friends and, good news! My dad got a call from a job in Memphis(Tennessee), only a couple of hours from where my friend lives. The move was relatively uneventful. I stay over at his place and we end up smoking weed (typical teen shit), and playing videogames in his room for a week. I get moved in to my place and a couple of months later, in late October, he visits me in Memphis. We go to a trampoline park and hang out for awhile, the weekend was pretty average. Once he leaves I bid him farewell and tell him to be safe driving home(he drove to my place by himself). A couple of weeks pass and I’m doing some homework in my room when I hear my mom crying while she’s talking on the phone in the living room. I ask her what’s wrong and she just silently hands me the phone. I ask who it is, it’s Jonathan’s mom. She sounds afraid, sad, numb. She tells me that Jonny passed in a car crash on the way home from school that evening. I asked her if she was playing some sick joke on me. She said no and kind of chuckles saying she wished it was a joke. I didn’t know how to feel. I was angry, upset, filled with grief. I cried deeply for I don’t know how long. He lost control after swerving to keep from hitting something or someone and went into the oncoming lane when a Dodge Nitro plowed into his driver side door, killing him instantly. This was November 13th of 2018. I just miss my friend

Remember the two doves that would sit just outside your window every day, and how after I broke up with you one of them would have suddenly disappeared for whatever reason leaving the other one alone?

I ended whatever we had, for no real reason. I wasn't doing well? Or was I greedy? Maybe I was just too much for myself.

And look at me, a few years down the line. Leaving you became the worst torture, living became a hellish place. Everything kind of broke down; ambition, strength, motivation.

Met some nice people, but also a lot of misunderstanding. Found a lot of meanness in humans; and had to plow through alot of pain from social rejection to be where I am today and to accept defeat a lot of times. One of them being aging a lot quickly, losing my path, getting blemished from sadness and getting thicker skinned and growing up more from carrying through the pain. Understanding others better, how social interactions work. Such things.

Of course you wouldn't want to be with me again. Go figures. Apparently not even talk to me. For some reason. I do okay without you. My heart doesn't want to separate from the memories of our time together. But it's hard to accept myself and my own life and I escape a lot from it and lack focus to pass obstacles. Sometimes I feel like just killing myself. Maybe one day I should.

The sobbing part of me is crying silently in a corner of my heart while I scramble flowers to put on the table before they wither. I could've done better, been better, but I wasn't and that is it. This is it. I don't know how to make things better and not even you coming back into my life by surprise would inspire hope. But I liked what we had, and I'm sorry for letting you down.

M

Im 37, father of three and foster father of four. I've seen Inside Out 3 times and each time Bing Bong does his "thing" i sob uncontrollably.

There. I said it.

Please post a link if you can.