For the past month my thinking was very short-sighted. My ABC "Dispute" column focused mostly on short term disputes. Every thought i had about alcohol was somehow short-sighted (not wrong, just focused on the short term).

Today something shifted and i don't know why. I am somehow able to see the bigger picture. Alcohol makes an evening easier by making my life harder. Everything i care about in life is harder with alcohol.

All though i am not young anymore, I also realized that whatever youth i have left is being spend on hangovers. It doesn't just suck, its also unacceptable if you really think about it.

From years of quitting i noticed that my mind goes through periods of short-term and long-term thinking. I wonder if anyone else experiences this too?

I used opiates and benzos for a few years, got off them without any professional help. Considered myself sober (although I took the occasional codeine, xanax and smoked weed - through speaking to therapists I realise that this was also a problem). 18 months ago I met an amazing girl. We fell in love quickly, travelled the world, moved in together and were talking about marriage and kids.

Then around 6-7 weeks ago I had a bit of a breakdown. I got drunk the night before work, was sent home smelling of alcohol. The fear of losing my job led me to drink to excess in the following weeks. It was sporadic, around 9-10 times but the last few times led to me being admitted to hospital and being arrested.

This has obviously been an incredibly traumatic and scary time for my girlfriend. The relationship is now obviously strained. I voluntarily entered rehab a week ago. We met up before I went in (after spending a few days apart) and when I asked her if she could see us having a future she said she needed time and didn't know.

During rehab I have had many breathroughs understanding why I have abused substances. On my first full day I called my girlfriend to let her know I'll give her time and won't contact her for a while as I need to focus on my recovery and give her the space she needs. It has been a week and she hasn't reached out, not that I asked her not to. I'm sure she is upset, angry, fearful etc.

I'm really struggling with the thought of losing this relationship. I believe she is the love of my life and we had a healthy relationship as individuals. I was wondering if it might be a good idea to message her today to let her know I'm thinking of her and that I'm engaging with the programme. The anxiety is driving me crazy. I've heard all the stuff about taking it one day at a time, trying not to overthink or catastrophise but I can't get my head right. Should I remain stoic and suffer this mental anguish? I know I need to be doing this for myself. Anyone have any advice on whether to contact her or not?

I, recently, became aware that I'm experiencing the grieving process over the loss of a hoped for relationship.

Background - I got divorced in the early 80's and had a tumultuous relationship with my ex. As a result, my visitation with my children suffered. Could I have done more, could I have gone back to court ? It's difficult to say looking back.

I struggled with my alcoholism and work ethic. Consequently, I justified not doing more by thinking things would turn around in the near future - they didn't.

Decades passed and my drinking led to moving across the country and eventual homelessness.

Finally, I got sober again in 2014 and started trying to locate my now adult children. It wasn't as easy as you might think, considering how long I had been out of the loop.

Eventually, I was able to find some basic info and reach out. There's zero interest on their part after all these years.

As I worked through the grieving process for this lost potential relationship, I find myself currently stuck vacillating between the depression and acceptance stages.

It's another long term consequence of my addiction. Thankfully, there's no inkling of a return to my drinking, just a profound sadness for my choices made and how life turned out.

Love you all, James

On Tool Tuesdays, we take the opportunity to learn new tools from the Handbook together (or refresh our memory). Today we are focusing on the Identifying Triggers exercise.

Triggers are the things that lead to cravings (I want to), which can lead to urges (I need to). They may be your emotion, something you have done, or want to do; a time of day, week, or year; something you touch, hear, see, or taste. Or literally anything that can lead to urges.

They are not excuses to use and they are not unpredictable. Addictive behavior teaches your brain to associate some things with the pleasure or relief you feel when indulging in the addictive behavior. Even when you stop, your brain will be reminded about the addictive behavior when you encounter your triggers, or allow yourself to conjure up triggers.

Your brain can unlearn this thinking reaction to a trigger. These reactions may last a while but will eventually decrease. As humans, brief, ridiculous, and unhelpful thoughts come into our heads all the time about things we quickly dismiss for what they are - silly thoughts and no more.

So now, comment below with what substances and behaviors stimulate you senses and trigger you. How many can you identify?

I'd like to start going to SMART meetings but I'm still drinking. Is that okay? And do they make new people introduce themselves? I don't really want to talk.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

As Family and Friends, we can always find a reason not to take that walk, not to eat healthily, or not to spend time with supportive people. Our reasons might be that we feel guilty taking care of ourselves when our Loved One is so unhappy; or we don't have the time or energy because we are too busy focusing on our Loved One; or maybe we have got out of the habit of doing anything positive for ourselves.

When we start to take care of ourselves we might find that: we actually have a little bit more energy than we did before; our Loved One might see our new behaviors as a positive model; and we might feel better about ourselves because we are becoming a more rounded person, instead of a person fixated on the behaviors of our Loved One.

Here is a link to a list of ideas for Self-Care. No doubt you can think of many more ideas.

What are you going to do for yourself today? Let us know your plans and how it went.

Is it possible to remain clean and sober If my partner is still problem drinking My ten year partner drinks and her life can be very chaotic brcause of this When she phones drunk Im thinking im in recovery i cant do this anymore Am i being selfish i do have feelings for her i want her to get help ,but i need to get better myself Head is getting messed up because of this

Hi there,

Could I get an invite link to the discord server please? Been attending smart for 8 months now. Thanks!!!

Just had my first day at an intensive outpatient program. I went voluntarily because I've had some good success with slowing down my drinking but I wanted to increase my efforts and knowledge and really put some work in to address my underlying issues. It's a free program run by my county, I don't make a lot of money and didn't want to out my family of $$$ for an expensive rehab.

I'm not sure I'll go back. The whole place just felt dehumanizing. Most everyone there seemed like they came in off the streets or fresh out of prison. Most reeked like cigarettes, including the staff. Honestly didn't think I'd be able to relate to anyone. It felt pretty gross being there and I know that probably makes me come off as a bit of a snob. Oh well. I'm intelligent and come from a decent family and felt very out of place. I know that is judgemental of me. Again, oh well, just being honest. I got the impression it was VERY RARE to have someone in the program voluntarily, who had not been mandated by the courts, etc.

Right away I was told I will never be cured, should consider myself "allergic" to alcohol, plan on going to meetings the rest of my life, that I should get a sponsor ASAP and that the steps would be more helpful (than therapy with a psychologist). I asked if they were strictly 12-step based and they denied it, but my counselor had not even heard of SMART recovery. WTH. He encouraged me to attend his anger management class while at the same time admitting he didn't have much training in the subject and was learning along with the clients. WTH. No bathroom breaks during group meetings or you can't come back in. No water bottles. Random pee tests with a zero tolerance policy. Only one meeting with a counselor and one with a case manager each week, the rest of the required 9 hours/wk is just group meetings. You can "ask your counselor" for permission to talk to a therapist, maybe, sometimes.

Everyone kept saying "have an open mind, and an open heart." "You will make friends here." Yeah, I don't think I want to be friends with these particular kinds of people. Like, hard criminals and the chronically homeless and mentally ill. I'll pass, thanks.

I will try one more day because I am trying to be open minded. But I've made a lot of progress on my own and am pretty motivated and otherwise have a good support system in place.

Can anyone tell me a good reason to keep going? Is there something I'm missing? Will I actually get something out of this beyond what I can get with medication, SMART meetings, self-care, therapy, good coping tools, healthy habits & routines, strong motivation, alcohol education, etc.? The only reason I can think of right now is that it may help lessen the penalty for my DUI, case pending. Other than that it seems like I'd just be putting myself in a sad traumatic environment for no reason. I honestly felt too smart ; ) to be there. But I'm not, right? Because I made a dumb mistake, like, to drink and drive, so why would I think I'm better than these people? But for real the whole deal gave me serious icky feelings.

It drives me nuts when people come to my SMART meetings and talk about AA. I want to say "If AA works for you, great. Go there. Don't preach about it here." But I don't.

Just wondering if anyone has a PDF copy of the Life Skills Workbook? I'm in the UK and can't get it but I'm really keen to read it.

Keep hearing there is a new SMART handbook about to be released. Date and price? Hard copy and online versions?

Will there be a summary of relevant changes?

Any tools being added or removed?

Will meetings and facilitators incorporate these changes?

I know one of the main ones is changing language from 'abstinance based/oriented' to harm reduction.

A simple example:

A: got sick, feeling tired and mildly depressed
B: alcohol masks all those things
C: cravings for alcohol
D: ?
E: ?

Thing is.. the belief is correct. Drinking may be unwise, but the belief isnt wrong.

Is there a good way to do D & E in this case?

---

Edit:

Updated ABC:

A: got sick, feeling tired and mildly depressed
B1: bad feelings need to be fixed
B2: alcohol masks all those bad feelings
C: cravings for alcohol
D1: i can live through bad feelings for an evening or 2
D2: hangover has bad feelings too and i don't frantically seek to extinguish those
D3: alcohol masks bad feeling, but in case of viral infections, it prolongs them too.
D4: staying sober will teach more coping mechanisms
E: bad feelings dont need fixing

My cousin and I are looking to try out some online meetings, but I'm not really sure how to find a quality discussion meeting. I am west coast and he is east coast, so online is a must. He's at the very beginning of his journey, I've got ~2 years off booze (no programs, but I'm open to getting some more solid recovery foundations, so I figured we'd do it together). We both have almost zero experience with Smart (I've been to one meeting). I'm basically looking for a discussion-style meeting if possible as we both have ADHD, so speaker meetings aren't really our thing ha. Thank you for reading!

On Tool Tuesdays, we take the opportunity to learn new tools from the Handbook together (or refresh our memory). Today we are focusing on the DISARM tool (Destructive Images and Self-talk Awareness and Refusal Method).

In the same way that your addictive behavior is only a behavior and not "you," an urge is merely a feeling or an impulse you experience, not the essence of you. Some people find it helps to cope with their urges if they give them a name, as if the urges were another being or something outside themselves.

Your might give your urge and its voice a name that describes what it feels like when the urge comes on (ie. "The Brat," "The Salesman," "The Whiner," "The Enemy"). Personifying your urge helps in a few ways: it serves as a reminder that you are not your behavior, it helps you recognize the urge sooner, and it puts you in a position of power over your addictive behavior.

Have you named your urge? If you feel comfortable, introduce it in the comments.

Uh, Pls let this me the morning check in page. I have little idea of where I've been posting. Sadly, I succumbed to an emotional reaction to last Tuesday and then a few days ago. I did not drink during the six years I too care of my mom. I think over time my body and brain balanced itself out so I had gotten to a really nice place. I wanna be there again. I am so so sad, and this crummy weather is not helping.

I've been posting on this page but now I am not sure. I had 17 days and crashed and now I am back to 2 days. I hate writing this but I need to. Hugs to me and all the similarly afflicted.

Went to this multiple day event. First night I didn’t drink and managed to socialize. Had a good time even though the night was ripe with awkward moments. There was a few other older sober women there, but mostly younger drunk girls (I’m 28 btw) The second night was unbearable. Everyone’s dressed up and there was an open bar and band playing. Wasn’t talking to anyone and was feeling like a total pariah.

So I got a glass of wine with someone and after 2 glasses, opened up and started having a good time and connecting with people after being ridden with anxiety at this event. Then of course, I started taking shots and the rest you can guess. I feel so much shame. Don’t remember how I got home. The next day some people were looking at me funny and I got some comments “you’re alive?” And “I was worried about you”. Been depressed for two days. I thought I had it in the bag after I got through day one without drinking. I never liked AA and thought I could do it this time around with just a sobriety app. This always happens. I get a few months sobriety under my belt and then I can’t handle socializing as an introvert and I cave. The first couple drinks make me social and then I chase that high and always end up blacking out.

Going to my first Smart Recovery group meeting this week, I even just ordered the handbook. How do I get over this gnawing feeling of shame I am experiencing for the time being? I want to socialize and make new friends but my anxiety problems just take over me. I feel like a recluse and hermit so hopefully I can connect and make some sober friends, AA never clicked or resonated with me.

Im currently on 15 days I know i will use or drink again soon if i dont get help with recovery Ive only just discoverd smart recovery i think it would be a better fit for me than other fellowships

I keep waking up at 5 am - not a problem but I have to sneak out to not wake the dogs (long story but the morning is gone if they sense I have abandoned them in their dog beds). I read a little fiction or something light in the am to start the day off. I will meditate .... maybe but I will not poison my body with ethanol today. Thats it. Oh got a part-time retail job to add to my freelance writing. The interview was hilarious. Lovely person at the helm of this store. Learning shit scares me, though. Even a register. Aaaaah anxiety.

Hello, I'm a newcomer. I want to find an online meeting, I really liked SMART program. I feel more safe in terms of anonymity joining an international meeting, than in my native language (I tried once and there was 2 people and it was really awkward)

I'm really confused by SMART search page though. Why would I need a postcode for online meeting? I'd love to just see meetings in English and maybe the ones that are the most popular, something like that. Can someone please help me with that?

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often have difficult decisions to make as Family and Friends: whether to go to pick up our LO when they are in their behavior/drug of choice; whether to sit them down and confront them about their behavior; whether to give them money when they have run out of theirs; or whether to clean up their mess after they have been in their addictive behavior.

One way we can deal with these difficult decisions is by using the Cost Benefit Analysis.

Imagine that I am wondering whether to keep cleaning up my Loved One's mess. I first list all the reasons I can for why cleaning up is helpful (I like a clean house; other people in the family don't see the mess). Then I list all the reasons I can for why cleaning up is not helpful (I end up feeling resentful; Loved One doesn't see the natural consequences of their addictive behavior). Finally, I list the pros and then the cons of NOT cleaning up my LO's messes.

I can then decide if each of the reasons I have listed has a long-term or short-term influence on the situation. The Cost Benefit Analysis can be printed out and we can refer to it from time to time - to encourage us when we are wondering why we made a specific decision.

Would you like to share about a time when you used the Cost Benefit Analysis? Was it helpful for you?

Hi everyone. I have been dealing with a pretty severe alcohol problem and am seeking additional support in addition to treatment. I have tried a couple of AA meetings, but the religious/spiritual undertones and concept of “powerlessness” did not really resonate with me. I am also young and unsure if I want to live a sober lifestyle forever, so I fear that AA would be too rigid in structure for me. That said, I am curious to learn about SMART Recovery and any experiences you guys have had with it. To my understanding, SMART seems to have a more flexible approach and can be tailored to individual goals, which appeals to me. If you have tried SMART and are willing to share what you like (or don’t like), I would love to hear. Thank you!

When I open 'Morning check in', suddenly the latest post i see is 1j ago ('sam29s').

It seems i no longer have access to 'Morning check in'. I tried to post about this access issue on 'Morning check in' this morning, but the post seems to be lost. Maybe a moderater can let me know what went wrong? Thank you, kind regards, F64, The Netherlands

I’ve done the SMART Family & Friends for several months and once I found a moderator/host that I enjoyed, have loved it. I’ve done the SMART Family & Friends for several months and once I found a moderator/host that I enjoyed, have found it extremely helpful and loved it. My girlfriend is getting out of alcohol detox and looking for support groups besides AA.

I was curious if anyone has personal experience or even a website that gives a quick comparison of the major secular recovery programs? SMART Recovery, LifeRing, Women For Sobriety and SOS Sobriety.