The night before Christmas, I heard a clatter on top of my roof, and when I went to investigate... and behold, there were eight not-so-tiny reindeer.

These were no ordinary reindeer you see they looked like something straight out of the pits of Hell.

They had glowing red eyes and very sharp teeth with steam coming from their nostrils. I believe these were also the same reindeer rumored to have ran over Susie Jones' grandma five years ago.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, as I stated before there were eight reindeer but no Santa in sight.

"Where the hell is Santa?!" I shouted.

That's when all eight reindeer turned to me and gave me the most sinister look ever.

Then off they flew and of course, I was relieved that was until I discovered the piles and piles of poop on my roof.

"Crap!"

Somehow through perseverance, I managed to clean up the poop but afterward, something changed in me. I began to mutate into something hideous, like Krampus.

Unrecognizable now, I stay in my house too scared to leave and where I spend countless hours on the internet trying to find a cure for my curse which I believe I'm getting close to.

Just a warning to you, never piss off Santa's reindeer or you'll befall the same fate as me.

🦌🎅🛷💩

I created a P.E.N.I.S. It stands for a Personal Ergonomic Nice & Intricate Sofa. It's a sofa that makes you feel so comfortable at all times. To help sell my product, I posted an ad online that said "Come see my P.E.N.I.S today!"

For some reason, only women replied to the ad. For example, one lady responded and I gave her my address. When she got to my home, I opened the door and said "Hi. Are you ready for my P.E.N.I.S?"

"Is it big, daddy?" she said.

"I ain't your father, bitch" I replied.

I invited her inside. When I showed her my P.E.N.I.S, she was visibly upset.

"This is not what I expected," she said.

"Then get the fuck out," I responded.

Now here is the scary part. Women keep asking to see my P.E.N.I.S, but when they come over, they go straight for my pants. I'm confused and scared. Am I doing something wrong?

Several years ago during the Thanksgiving Holidays, I visited a Turkey farm where I picked out a very plump Turkey.

On the Eve of Thanksgiving, I heard a peculiar nose outside my house. When I went to investigate, I saw a bunch of Turkys lingering in my front yard.

"What the hell?" I shouted.

All I could hear was their gobble, gobble.

"Go, shoo get away!" I shouted again but instead of retreating they began to attack me.

Terrified, I quickly ran inside my house but they followed me.

During the chaos, I noticed one of the Turkeys was holding a bloody piece of paper in its beak. I quickly snatched the letter from its beak and then read it.

"We come in peace and simply want what belongs to us."

"What?"

That's when all hell broke loose, and they began to attack me again until one of the Turkeys began pecking at the freezer. Then it hit me: They wanted to take back the Turkey I bought at the farm.

I opened the freezer and threw the Turkey at them and you know what was funny is one of them was carrying a basket where they carefully placed the Turkey in.

Since then, I haven't eaten Turkey but sometimes on Thanksgiving, I can still hear the Turkeys gobbling off in the distance...

....... it all started out as a norman day. Heh. to think i thoughth it would stay that way. it was the last normal day i'll ever halve. I dont even want to think of it..... but i will.

aaaaa a aa ! !!!! SOrry i got scared from just thinking about it.

Heh. You ever go out to the gocery store for to buy some lotery tickets? I didsd that yesertday., Iwon $5. $5 well spent, i said, as i tucked the dioritos bag into my belt. But i didnt gamble enough to sate my evil greed addiction. I wanted more money and doritiotis. So i wen back to the cash register and said hello can i have more lottery ticklets. And the cash guy said NO! Youve reached your limit on winning money for today. so i said THATS BRULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MORE!!!! Heh. and he said okay, i can give you more.... folr a price. and i said i dont fucking give a fuckin g shit fucking do it !!!!!! ! ! ! and ill never forget what hesaid next.... "OKay ahand over your ribcage." iokay well he didnt phrase it like that but it was pretty close. and uh

then i was like LOL nice joke dude okay. heres my ribcage and i mimed tearing out my ribs and giving them to him but he said "No.... I'm Serririoos." at least i thing he said that but but i cant be sure cause i was kinda delircious then . Heh. it was enough tomake my organs run cold. my skin screameed as i said bbbut i need my ribcage mr cash man!!!!!!!!! and he said my name is not the cash man it is Ribbert. so i said oh hello ribbert hahah hi hehe. im not giving you my rimbs though, and thats when i noticed he hadd too many ribs for a person with a name that wasnt RIbbebrt. But probably a normal amount for someone named ribbert but i wouldnt know because he was the only person i knew named ribbert. Heh.

and he said OKAY THEN ILL fucing TAKE THEM and he pulled out his rib pulling machin which was two big claws attached to a metla thing tand there was a rubber band tyng it all together and it was so big and strong and scary and the metal clanked so loud as he snipped them togetherl ike barbecueue tongs. and he took my ribclage and he was then like heha thank you for your purchase here is your lottery ticnkeert mam. Heh. So i said oh thank you have a good day and i went home wibcageless. grrr it sucks not havinga ribcage but oh well. im typing this from my Home. oooh!!!! It;s;sl lottery time. FUCK YES i won #$5. Bag of dorit

Have you heard recently about the case of zombie going around? It's been all over the news.

At first I felt anxious over whether I'd pretend zombies were some unknown, new thing, rather than a feature so common in horror movies that it'd be really weird for a real zombie outbreak to occur and for me not to mention it. Then I remembered this was real life, and so I didn't have to worry about any potential legal ramifications whilst referencing zombie movies.

"Wow, this is just like Dawn of the Dead or 28 Days Later." I said to my cat, Ralph. "The zombie movies! Only this is really real."

I continued to watch the news. There were endless rolling reports of men in uniform shooting ugly, decomposing zombies in the face, blood was spewing all over the place. The weather and sport had been replaced with endless tips on how to avoid zombies or what to do if you or a loved one became a zombie.

"Chance would be a fine thing, someone biting deep in to my flesh." I said to my sleeping cat, Ralph.

As I stared at the hyper-realistic 3d imaging of a decomposing human brain now displayed on the screen, I thought about who or what the zombies represented here in real life, given the way they always stand for something else in the movies.

Was it COVID?

Nah, COVID was real, just like the zombies.

Was it racists?

No, why would they need an allegory for that?

Maybe the zombies were a kind of political satire that I had little interest in?

Probably.

The next day there was a BREAKING zombie news report. They'd discovered that all the zombies were actually originally zombie story writers and that, if you were bitten by one, you were ten times more likely to get the disease if you'd ever even thought about zombies as anything other than dead people who liked to eat living people's brains.

Even the President of the United States came on television and declared that in order to stop the zombie plague, social commentary utilizing the concept of zombies would immediately be classed as a criminal offense punishable by death (full-death, not zombification).

"Well, we should be fine then, Ralph." I said to my cat, Ralph.

I see her taking shits in her litter box but when I go to clean it the shits aren't there. Later I find them in the bathtub. Also sometimes I catch her wearing a little black cape and mask and carrying bags of stuff in and out of the house.

And the other day she killed some guy.

The entity had no idea what to do after that when I pulled out my cock, yelled Worldstar, and recorded myself masturbating to it.

Object Class: Safe Neutralized

Special Containment Procedures: The batteries of SCP-9371 are to be removed, and the anomaly is to be constantly submerged under at least 500 Metres of salt water

The water fucked up the button, throw it out, Jared.

Description: SCP-9371 was a seemingly-mundane, cheaply-made plastic red button. It had a battery tray where 3 AAA batteries could be input. The button resembled something you'd find in a roadside store for 4$

When powered on, the object was indestructible, and when it was pressed, it would cause the planet it is presently on to explode.

When it wasn't powered on, however, it was a completely ordinary button, and was susceptible to ordinary things that damage cheap plastic toys.

Discovery: On the 7th March 2013, an exoplanet 5 Lightyears from Earth exploded due to the button being pushed, following this, it was sent flying to earth, where it landed in America. Members of the SCP Foundation, who had been monitoring that Exoplanet, where able to find and contain the item.

"Goodnight Janey. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite." I said to my daughter, Janey, as I was putting her to bed.

"Thank you, daddy." She replied. "Please, before you go, check under the bed for me and deal with any monsters that may be present."

"Of course." I smiled to myself in the darkened room and knelt down by the bed to pretend to look for monsters.

There was however a peculiar shape under the bed. An undulating mass that spread out across the width of the floor, with the odd protrusion here and there.

"Janey," I said, sternly. "I thought we had a talk about you properly storing your toys, i.e. not under your bed."

"We did, father. And that is why I had moved my toy collection to the cupboard and subsequently noticed the monster under my bed. I was hoping you would take care of it as part of your parental duties."

"Very well, Janey. I will check what's down there, but if it's your toys again, be prepared for another weeks worth of chores."

I switched on the child's nightlight and took another look. In the faint glow I could make out a deformed shape, something I could only describe as a spider-like skeleton covered seemingly by too little human skin. Here and there there were what looked like bleeding knees and elbows pointing through. The thing's head jutted out from the centre of its being, upwards, almost touching the mattress. It's shiny black eyes stared out at me as if to say "I'm a monster" and it's pained mouth opened and closed like a half dead fish, drooling shit stained saliva all over the floor.

"Well Janey. Looks like you were right. There is a monster under your bed."

"Are you going to save me, daddy?"

"Noo. Nope. This one's a job for your mother. Barbara! Barbara? Can you come here please."

"Yes, David. What is it now?" She asked.

"Well, Barbara, you see, Janey's quite rightly ascertained that there's a monster under her bed and she needs you to deal with it."

"Yes, please help me, mummy. Father is a coward."

"I'm not a coward, Janey. I just have good self-preservation skills."

"Honestly, David." Said my wife, Barbara. "You're scaring the child for no reason. We all know in this household that there is no such thing as monsters."

This was the first time the monster spoke;

"There ARE monsters." It gasped. "And we eat little girls. We eat their flesh and innards!"

"How strange." Said Barbara, now giving the monster a quick glance under the bed. "Go and get the broom, David."

"What good is a broom going to do against a thing like that?"

"Stop wasting time please, David. I have a 9 a.m. meeting tomorrow morning and I would like to get some decent sleep."

"Don't forget about me too, Daddy. I don't want to die."

Knowing I was beaten, I went and got the broom. Then I crouched down and used it's bristly end to slap the thing under the bed in the face.

"There, you see. He barely budged."

"Not with your limp wrist, David. Here."

Barbara took the broom from me and proceeded to slap the monster repeatedly in the face.

"Go on. Shoo! Get out, you horrid thing."

All it said back was;

"Your fear sustains me.."

And then it shot some kind of weird tendril thing up through the bed and into Janey's leg. Janey screamed.

"Don't be melodramatic, Janey." Said Barbara.

"Yes, Janey. Don't be critical of your mother. This is a new experience for all of us."

"Ahhhh, akkka akkka ackh." Said the monster as it began to pulsate it's tendril and presumably deepen it's hell-like grip on our daughter.

"This is all your fault, David. I never wanted to move here, but you insisted. You insisted. Now look, we have a real-life monster under the bed doing god knows what to our daughter."

"Me? Get you to do anything via insistence? The chance would be a fine thing."

"Your daughter is now dead." Said the monster. "I have fed from her life essence and will proceed to clothe myself in her flesh in the safety of my own lair. My return should also be expected in 5 years and 3 months hence. Please ensure to have more children ready for me at that time." Then he disappeared into the floor taking what was left of Janey with him.

"Great. Just typical. Now we have 5 years and 3 months max before we have to move again. In this climate."

"I know, Barbara. In this climate."

There's a legend here in my town about the Pumpkin Man.

They say every year on the eve of Halloween he appears at midnight and murders those who have wronged someone always leaving a trail of bodies in his wake.

He is often described as being 7 feet tall and having the head of a pumpkin.

For those unfortunate enough to cross his path (and live to tell the tale) often mistake him for a trick-or-treater that is until he flings what appears to be pumpkin puree at them. At first, those poor souls assume it's just a prank until the puree begins to burn their skin.

Oh, did I mention he also carries a sickle.

Nobody knows who he was but some say he was a farmer who killed his whole family after the bank foreclosed on his farm.

Before they could jail him though, a mob which included his father-in-law killed him and then placed a pumpkin over his head and hung him up like a Scarecrow.

It was said that before he died, he cursed the town hence how the legend of Pumpkin Man was born...

Anyway, I leave you with a warning and that is to stay away from my town on Halloween or you'll possibly get pureed or even sickled (Pumpkin Man don't play)...

It was after an arduous 9 hour interrogation. My friend was dead. I was the main suspect, since that was how the cookie crumbles.

First you go from the relatives, then to the friends, then out again. Everyone's a suspect. Except I passed the lie detector test. I googled how to. I know the meat at the BBQ was not just beef.

3:24am i go to the toilet there it is Skibidi Toilet

She keeps telling me the third one is just our neighbor's kid whose visiting to play video games with our son

But what does that mean??????

Hi, everybody, my name is Bill Robinson. I am an average guy with no outstanding features or skills. Altogether unremarkable. Which is why when I woke up suspended over what seemed to be a giant pool table, I was confused. Realizing I was up there without a stich of clothing, or a shred of dignity, I began to ponder how I became embroiled in this predicament. I didnt have anything that could help me get down, I had no pockets. Why if youd have told me you were hungry, I could have offered you a sandwich of bread, and dick. That is, if youd brought a few slices along. Anyway, where was I. Thats what I was wondering. As I struggled to escape this bizarre suspended captivity, I heard a whirring sound and looked up to see a cable descending toward me, and clipped to it was a small unwrapped chocolate bar. I snatched it out of the air and gobbled it down, because Im the type of person who eats unwrapped candy in kidnapping situations. as I finished it, a speaker crackled and buzzed, as a voice intoned into a distant microphone. "Well, boy, youre not a smart one, are ya?" "Most of em dont eat it, they yell first" said another deep, scratchy voice.

"Have you ever played pool before, then" "Eh, or billiards" the second voice said in a put-on cockney accent. "Hes about to" said one of the voices, before the speaker erupted in laughter. I began to spiral, wondering what in the world was happening, and I noticed a sort of, sensation. A sensation of fullness... down there. "So, hey there, Mr. Pool Player, its almost time for you to break. You see when we kidnapped you, we drugged you up and greased a bunch of pool balls down your gullet. In your drugged up state, we told you they were macho man randy savages balls you were swallowing, to make it easier, and you asked for seconds." Whhaatt? I said. "Yurp! and that chocolate you ate was chocolate flavored extra strenght Lax_O_Dook, so good fucking luck, king donko of punchstania, Youre gonna be shitting billiard balls on to a giant table 50 feet below you, as people bet on the outcome of the game on the dark web. Havent you ever heard of the brown room, dickhead? and so, I think...ive got a long few days ahead of me. (and also I have some long nights in my future as well.)

I was forced to attend a music festival with my girlfriend. Nothing huge, just something local, and all the bands were shitty. Kind of ironic considering the situation I got in.

There was a table of free water, for some reason there was no limit on the amount they'd give you. There were loads of cases in a truck behind the fence where you enter. A horrible mistake on their part, I fucking love water. I think I went through 8 bottles in 30 minutes. The strange bitter sensation you get on your tongue from shitty store brand water that they tell you are "minerals" is almost euphoric to me.

Then it hits me.

I swear I could almost hear the water flowing into my bladder and blowing it up like a fucking water balloon. I turn to Sarah, (My girlfriend (Dumb bitch(Dumbass name as well,))) and shakily tell her I have to use the porta-potty that's beyond the main area. I walk away before she can respond of course, I didn't want to hear her bitch and moan about me leaving "again" "for like the tenth time." Of course all those times were to hit my cart in the corner of the festival where no one was. God, I could not stand being sober there.

I enter the porta-potty and flip the latch down. I pull my pants all the way down and start spraying onto that grey urinal that feeds back into the main toilet water anyway. Don't know why they bother. "God fucking damnit!" I yelled. 90% of the piss just splashes right back onto me. I wipe off my face, pull up my pants, and I go to examine the shits left in the sit-down toilet (I'm a scatologist) when I notice a brown bag at the corner of my eye.

I knew that bag. The design, colored purple with a bell in the middle inside the shape of a mouse hole in the wall from a cartoon.

Taco Bell.

Some chump who was here last must have forgot it. I double-check to see if the door is latched and check the bag for any scraps, or even maybe a full meal. Jackpot. Three grilled cheese burrito cravings boxes. I sit down and open those babies up wasn't long before I started chowing away, not giving a shit about getting back to Sarah. God forbid I get back before it's over.

One,

Two,

Three.

I check my phone, only 40 or so minutes have passed.

"Shit."

I stuff all my trash in the corner to the left of the toilet seat where I was sitting, Hell if I was hauling all this back to the trash cans in the main area. I turn my head right towards the door to leave.

"What the fuck?"

The wall where the door should've been was just solid plastic. I check the other walls just in case I really was that high. Nothing else was out of the ordinary but the door was just gone. I look up at the ceiling.

There's a note taped to it. Looked like it was ripped out of the bottom of a ruled composition notebook. It blended in with the white plastic, but I could make out the lines of the paper. I reach out to rip it off and turn it over to see what it said.

"If you want to make it out alive

1. Do not shit for the next 2 hours of reading this

2. Do not go on YouTube Shorts."

Are you fucking kidding me? No YouTube Shorts?

Whatever, I had TikTok on my phone while I waited out the 2 hours. This must be a prank pulled by some engineer supplying the porta-potties at the music festival. Real "shitty" profession by the way. I think I would kill myself if I was a "porta-potty engineer."

Everyone says I'm "gen alpha" for preferring YouTube Shorts over TikTok. Number one, I'm a fucking millennial. Number two, shut the fuck up and mind your own business. God.

I attempt to open TikTok and I get a notification from Sarah. What could you possibly want you dumb cow?

"This is Abdul the Toilet Master. I have killed your girlfriend and everyone has evacuate the festival. No one will save you now."

There was a photo attached, It is a middle-aged Indian man with a huge mustache taking a selfie in front of my girlfriend's bloody corpse.

Thank god, I thought it was something important.

I leave the messages app and return to TikTok. The app opens up. The first thing that pulls up is a live. I couldn't see what it was as the preview was just black, so I tap on it out of curiosity.

It's the same man. Oiled up and twerking.

I throw my phone at the plastic wall out of fear. I almost shit my pants but I managed to keep it in. It will be much harder to at this point as it has progressed significantly. I can feel that this will be the biggest shit of my life.

I pick my phone back up and sit back down on the black plastic seat and decide to play some Flappy Bird, as I have never uninstalled it off my phone.

I can still hear the concert in the background and for some reason they're still playing even after everybody left and my girlfriend was killed by the one that calls himself "Abdul the Toilet Master."

The song just changed.

Oh god. I recognize it. "The Brown Note for 10 hours"

As soon as it starts I am shitting everywhere. I blew a hole through my pants and it is going onto the seat and my ass because the seat is closed, and the surrounding area onto the floor. I fucked up. I don't know what's going to happen but I know it's going to be bad. I attempt to clean up the shit liquid with the toilet paper so no one, or nothing, notices but it just ends up getting soaked, and it gets all over my hands.

"TIME IS UP BUDDY!" I hear an Indian accent yell.

I could put the pieces together. It was Abdul. I hear a chainsaw rev in the distance.

It draws ever closer.

Suddenly a chainsaw blade pops through the wall where the door used to be, and I have to think fast. I decide to hide inside the toilet as it was the only place that was not outwardly visible.

Eventually, I hear the plastic drop onto the ground outside.

Abdul was now inside.

I waited for what felt like minutes.

And then I hear his pants drop.

Oh no.

He opens the lid and sits down, his ass completely blocking the light now. It was dark, but no longer safe.

His fiery shit rained down upon me. It burned so bad and I was screaming at the top of my lungs. A scream transitioned into a gargle as it got into my mouth.

Eventually, it was over. He closed the lid and I heard him walk out. I stayed in waiting for the coast to be clear, writhing in pain. The festival was long over by now.

I waited maybe 10 minutes and popped my head back out, surely it must be safe by now.

Suddenly, I hear a vehicle on the grass, near the porta-potty. I quickly duck my head back in. I hear something attach to the ceiling above me.

The porta-potty gets yanked forward and onto the ground, dragging across it. The mix of blue liquid and Abdul's fiery shit washes over me, and into my mouth again. I felt the porta-potty get onto the asphalt, I could only assume it was being dragged on the back of the truck, to somewhere.

I was sloshing in the blue liquid and shit for hours, my skin now wrinkly as a raisin and burning like hell. I felt every stop and turn as I crashed into the bumper of the vehicle infront of me. I cried the whole way.

The truck came to a stop.

I felt one last push followed by the porta-potty tumbling down a hill. Water rushed into the lid as I rushed to get out of the porta-potty through the hole Abdul cut. I swam up as fast as I could before I could sink any lower.

My head popped out of the surface of the water and my eyes gazed upon the Colorado River.

I watched what I could only assume to be Abdul's truck drive away.

I still feel Abdul's shit splashing on my head to this very day. I made it out alive to tell this story, but I will never be the same.

And everyone was soopor panicked. Every day when I got off work I heard weird haunting wails of pride for god and the country and everything smelled like vinegar

America was blessed more times than at 10,000 baseball games put together every night for a week coming up to the inlaw visit

I don't know why family faith for god and country gets so overwhelming when in laws are coming to visit

I thought nothing of it until a toilet seat got replaced to a magical shrinking seat

I kept trying to get comfortable but not even half a butt cheek fit on the new toilet seat

I decided to just sit above the lid spreat eagle like the national anthems going off as it was the only reasonable option left to me as I felt the crescendo coming

And then I learned a horrible secret that the hole was not big enough to shid in and ended up giving the brand new toilet seat lid the old adolf shitler treatment

Inbound in laws can be scary stay safe and always measure toilet seat lids before purchase

So one day I was doing some laundry when ..... ohhh no I don't want to write story anymore.. maybe later

It was a rainy night, I’ve just got off working my 9-5pm shift: I was driving back, enjoying the soothing sounds of my “Fleet Macwood”. All of sudden it got pitch black, I couldn’t see anything but my cars headlights. I continue follow the road thinking I had just entered forest, or something.. out of nowhere I see all of sudden.. and then.. I.. oh no.. its coming.. I gotta stop writing this or they’ll get me..

Plus the fries were cold, they wouldn't give me drink refills, the bathroom hadn't been cleaned and it took thirty minutes to get service. The milkshake was okay, but nothing amazing. The biggest issue though was the sandwich. I had ordered the deluxe spicy chicken, it was cooked fine and had fresh ingrediants, but the meat had a taste and texture closer to pork. For this reason I can't recommend this place to anyone looking for good fast food chicken. Personally though, I enjoyed the sandwich more than the ones I usually get at other Chik-Fil-A resturaunts. I love pork and often use it as a cheap substitute for meals made in a hurry. This is because it's so close in flavor and consistency to my favorite type of meat: human.

It was a cold and wintery night. Some vulnerable, young hot lady was going out into the evening to vape. There in the darkness she sees a creepy man with glowing red eyes.

"Hey, scary man. What doing?" She said in a trembly voice from fear.

"They done caught Spring-heeled Jack." Said the bonerific man.

The sexy young lady gasped. Please imagine a heaving bosom to stay interested. She knew of the legends. Everybody did. But just incase you don't Spring-heeled Jack was some dude that could jump about and attack people or something. He could jump real high. I guess that's why they called him Jack, like jumping Jack flash.

The hot lady dropped her vape accidentally and bent over to pick it up.

"That's good." She said to the terrifying stranger.

"Aye, that it is." He replied and disappeared into the night.

Somewhere nearby later that night in an Amazon warehouse training facility, Amazon Recruitment officers had Spring-heeled Jack locked and bound in an interrogation room.

"Now, Jack." Said one of the burly, yet sexy, interrogation officers, whilst smacking Jack across the face with the back of her hand. "We know you're wanted for all kinds of crimes. Murder, rape, general mischievousness. We also know you never sleep or age and have been up to no good for hundreds of years. You're in deep shit Jack, but we could make it all go away for you if you come work for us, delivering parcels round the clock, over rooftops, on Sundays. We know you like jumping on rooftops, Jack. We know you're looking for a way out."

Jack was silent. He had no need for steady long term employment. He gained sustenance by preying on unsuspecting victims in the night.

As if reading his mind, the interrogation officer continued (whilst looking kind of hot in an Amazon interrogation uniform);

"We've arranged a little deal where you can continue to commit crimes as you like it without any witch-hunt or fear of repercussions, all you have to do is deliver 350 parcels within a set time period and at regular intervals. Here's tonight's itinerary."

She threw a thick wad of paper on the desk in front of Jack.

"You could be slitting some lone woman's throat at 11:30pm and then deliver this Supertron-Blender-3000 to Margaret in Kettering within the next ten minutes. No questions asked. No pesky Police whistles. No salt circles. Or, look here, Jamie in Amersham needs their paddling pool by first thing Friday morning. Think you could hop there real quick for us, Jack? It would make Mr. Bezos very happy."

Jack looked at the itinerary for a moment and then blew a fierce ball of blue white flame from his mouth, burning it to cinders.

"I'll kill both Margaret and Jamie!! And I'll keep ye beloved blender and paddling pool for me own enjoyment! Spring-heeled Jack don't carry three flying fucks for the likes of Mr. Jeff Bezos." Said Spring-heeled Jack.

"You drive a hard bargain Mr. Jack." Said Jeff Bezos who had actually been sitting in the interrogation room watching the whole time. "We'll let you kill Margaret and Jamie, you'll be allowed two customer kills per month. And we'll even let you keep the paddling pool, but the blender must make delivery or be issued as a return. That's a high value item."

"Fuck ye plastic paddling pool!" Screamed Spring-heeled Jack, splattering saliva all over Jeff Bazos' face and ripped arms. "I'll make me own paddling pool from the flesh of my victims and besides what good be a blender to Margaret when-"

He was cut off mid sentence as Jeff Bezos began to bulge and pulsate with the power of billions of dollars. His super strong arms shot out and crushed the feeble bone structure of Spring-heeled Jack's forgotten Victorian face, spewing black, bile like blood all over the room.

"ARRRRGGGGHHHHG!!" Screamed Jeff Bezos in a roid like rage.

I was walking on my merry way, and I fell into a sinkhole. This is just like my elementary school textbooks foretold, I thought idly as I was plummeting to my doom.

I wound up in the center of the earth, which is weird, because flat things don't have centers. I walked up to the reception desk where a very hideous mongrel was sitting. I realized it was a mirror when a super hot fanged demon stepped out from behind it and asked me wtf I wanted.

"Where am I?" I asked with fear and trepidation.

"You're in hell, dipshit."

"Here I thought knowing I would be working a 9-5 and die of old age before retirement was hell," I quipped, the smartest man alive. Well I may be dead.

The demon rolled its eyes. "Follow me."

I followed it down the hall, and then I noticed a plate on a desolate, dusty, flamin' hot table. Atop the plate was a single chicken wing. Before the demon could stop me, I ate it. I ate it and I immediately doubled over in pain, searing hot pain in my mouth, gurgling intestines. I belched so loud flames came out of my mouth.

"That was literally Satan's."

"O shit."

Satan then appeared and kicked my ass so hard I was propelled back to the surface. I landed with a thud on the train tracks, tasting blood and devil's anus hot sauce on my lips. Then I heard a train horn

One night Mom went out and left Dad in charge of the cooking and he made his Everything Stew. That's when he throws a week's worth of leftovers into the pot and boils it up and it tastes like garbage. I had the worst explosive diarrhea all night and at one point I swear I heard demon laughs coming from my butt.

Then in the middle of the night I farted and a demon popped out just as Mom walked in. Then she said hi to the demon and asked if they were still on for bowling next week.

The demon's name is Stan and it turns out his wife Edna is friends with Mom and that's why Mom was out tonight. She and Edna were turning over wheelbarrows in case it rains, and next week they're going bowling with Dad as couples.

So next week I'm ordering pizza for dinner.

I woke up in a hospital bed.I looked around in confusion as a women nurse came into the room in suprise as she said “hes awake!” My mother cam into the room and hugged me.

I asked what was going on and they said I went into a coma for 1 and a half weeks.i freaked out and started panicking they calmed me down and said I had to stay there for a couple nights and left the room.

That night I was awakened by the footsteps of something above my room.i started panicking but then brushed it off as one of the hospital staff.I realized that those footsteps sounded familiar.”That wasn’t the nurses footsteps” I said. I started to panick thinking of what to do.

I realized if I told the nurse staff it would just be in my head.So I decided to see what it was.i got up from the bed and had a terrible headache and a limp in my right leg.So I held my head and limped all the way upstairs to the noice without being caught by staff.

Once I got to the room I felt a wave of regret and started silently panicking. once I calmed myself down I walked towards the door and slowly peeked the door.I saw the monsters face and panicked and said “ it followed me here” I fell back on the floor in a wave of panic.

I got up and fastly limped down the hall while the monster chased behind me.the hospital staff started to see what was going on and freaked out also.i ran into the nearest room and locked the door from the outside.when the monster came in I tried to find a way around the monster until I saw a window.I divided out the window and yelled “CLOSE THE DOOR” as I fell through the air.

I landed in a tree and looked up to see the monsters haunting smile down at me.When I was awakened I said “is the monster still there” They looked at me like I was crazy and said one of the scariest two words of my life…

“What monster”

For some backstory I live in a lower middle class neighborhood with my two siblings 6m and 8f and my mother 37f,

I am 15m and am generally not nosey or break rules but this noise has really got me worried and scared. Every time I confront my mom about it she said it’s nothing and to never check on it.

But this noise has droven me crazy every night at 12 am I just think about what could it be.I try going in the daytime to see if I could find anything but I couldn’t find anything.

I tonight I’m going up there to see what it was, that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

That night after everyone went to bed I snuck up into the attack at 11:50. I thought at that moment that it would all be alright and that I was just imagining it but a few minutes later at 11:59 I started panicking thinking something bad was going to happen to me.

But just then the clock struck 12:00 and nothing happened and I just thought I was overreacting when all of the sudden I felt that something was watching me but then when I turned around to see eyes in the darkness of the attic.

The creature randomly smiled at me sending me in a panick making me slowly walk back but just then I fell into the hole in the attic sending me falling backwards on to the floor.

I blacked out…

Part 2 if this gets enough support!

How dare someone do this to my son. I will get justice. I promise I will! But damn it, I'll have to call my son's mother. She's not nice. She left me years ago because I told her that it's unnatural to pour milk before the cereal. It set off a major argument and she left me. This would be the first time I called her in 15 years. But she had to know about her son. I dialed her number.

"Hello?" she said as she picked up.

"Yo! What's up, bitch? What's crackin? Still got those nice perky tits? Anyway, our son is in the hospital. He got fucked up." I said. (By the way, I can't believe my ex-wife, my son's mother, had problems with me. Can't you see that I'm the most respectable person, especially to women? Now you know what I'm dealing with.)

"Who is this?" she said.

"It's/u/DrakeLostLol. Our son got hit by a bus and I'm gonna go kick the driver's ass really quick. He's down there at 7-11 and I'm gonna go slash his tires and punch all his teeth out while force feeding him ghost pepper chips through a plastic straw," I said.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You haven't talked to me in 15 years and this is how you break this news to me?" she said.

"Well you left us!" I retorted.

"That's because you kidnapped our son, ran away, and never told me where you were," she replied.

"Well, enough of that. I'm gonna kick this guy's ass who hurt our son. I have the ghost pepper chips and I'm gonna go get some straws. Meet me at the 7-11 at the corner of 1st and 19th street." I replied. Then I hung up. Can you believe this woman?

Anyway, I picked up the straws and drove to 7-11. When I got there, the guy who hit my son was still in the parking lot eating some spongy ass 7-11 pizza. He didn't even have a drink. The fuck kinda criminal is this guy? I rushed to his bus and jumped inside.

"Eat these hot chips and die, motherfucker!" I yelled as I forced the hot chips into his mouth.

"OH MY GOD, AHHHHHHH!" yelled the bus driver.

Then I punched him, I kicked him, I ripped off his shirt, I kicked the steering wheel of the bus because I wanted to, I plucked one of his eyelashes off, I threw one of his shoes out the windows, and I took out the straws and put one in each nostril. I really got my vengeance!

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!" yelled the bus driver.

"Well you remember at 11:42 am when you hit that little fat kid with your bus? Guess what! That was my son! I know he was fat and all, but he didn't have enough fat for the impact of the bus hit" I responded back.

"That wasn't even my shift! I haven't started my route yet! That was Tommy who hit your son!!!" responded the bus driver.

Oh, shit... I beat up the wrong guy.

"Uh, sorry... You know where I can find Tommy?" I asked.

"He's at the 7-11 on 2nd and 20th street. Not this one," responded the bus driver.

"Got it. Thanks, man. Sorry for fucking you up so bad. My fault. You think this 7-11 has more ghost pepper chips, because I kinda used them all when I went Super Saiyan all over your ass?" I asked.

"Get the fuck off my bus," he said. I got off the bus and started walking to the other 7-11. But I got arrested on the way because people saw me beating up the bus driver.

Now I'm in jail, my son is still fucked up, and now I'm sad.

PART 2.I started freaking out analyzing what just happened i was snapped back hearing the creatures feet running down the hall towards my room.I locked the door and started putting anything I could find in front of the door dresser,chair,bed,fan anything I could find.

The creature started banging on the door over and over again.The wood started to bend and break until I met the creatures eyes.they were wide,stretched and looked like they were about to fall out.

The hole it made in the wall began to become bigger and bigger until the monster could fit through.i tried to find anything to use against the monster but nothing I found could be used I accepted my fate until the monster was right in front of me when I saw a pen right next to the air vent.

I used the pen right on the side of the monsters stomach when it let out a loud screech I looked up at the weird creature and saw it’s stretched out limbs before running it running away into the darkness.

I looked out my window to see the mysterious creature turn around for a second look at me with it’s stretched out eyes and did a haunting smile at me before running of into the darkness

I don’t know what that creature what’s or how my grandmother knows about it but I know that thing isn’t normal or that it’s from here I don’t know but I just know I don’t want it to come back…

50 likes for pt.3!

To give some backstory I live in a middle class neighborhood with my 2 little brothers 7 and 8 and my little sister 9 I am 16 male and live with my mother and grandparents.

My grandma is 57 and grandpa 61 and are more of the traditional type and keep to them selves

They are pretty loose and aren't that strict but they have one rule. Don't leave your room past 2:17. I never knew why but just listened to them because I am more of the respectfully type and don't break rules much.

I have thought of leaving alot in the middle of the night but I think of how much it would anger my mom and grandparents if I did so I stop.

I would usually awake to hear tiny and faint footsteps walking up and down the halls late at night but would think nothing of it and just brush it off as my grandparents having to go to the bathroom. Oh how wrong I was...

My school has the end of the year exam and I have been studying really hard to get a good grade on it. Tonight is the night before the exam and I have been really worried about it

I recently got these new packets you put in your water to flavor it and these have energy in them. I studied really hard and got really focused an lost track of time. All the studying made me lose track of time and from all the water I really had to go to the bathroom.

I opened my bedroom door and saw the corner that leads into the hallway. All of the sudden I heard quick footsteps rushing down the hallway and a gurgling like noise from the end of the hallway. I slowly looked around the corner to see an around 7ft long black Silloutte looking down with its stretched out eyes and long and shiny mouth I ran back into my room and looked at my watch to have my eyes widen and my heart drop... It was 2:34

Part 2 if this gets enough support!

If you have the intentions to join my server and your doing 1x1 cobble towers to use lava and water to ruin the spawn?

Really? What's the god damn deal these days? Anyways I just wanna let anyone who has decided to engage in this will be banned and I'm not afraid to do it.

Cheers,

It never donned on me that this situation happen. Maybe I don't understand it. I just wanna reflect on it for a moment. Long ago I had a meeting it was really for my promotion I had the boss over for some subs I made at my IT job god forbid can I never catch a break. He came to my home about at 2:30am I made him some baloney sandwiches and god forbid I can't catch a break or even believe that he's wants to give me the job of being the new boss man around here. I think I told him vaguely i wanted it but his eyes turned to a crimson red and you know what.. it was insane. I had to google the symptoms and I xouldn't figure it. And god forbid he goes to my friend takes my last dr pepper. And god forbid I don't know why he just started saying your the boss man now! And I said great what's the pay. And then he said I have to donate my blood for the blood gods and I said okay. Why man? And he just gave me a vague answer and god forbid I live like this he says and then I wake up. It was a nightmare