I’m a mid thirties professional and things in the dating game just haven’t gone my way. I worry my clock is ticking and I’m starting to consider going it alone. I’m independent and have my parents and sister close by, but worry pregnancy itself would be a challenge alone. Does anyone have any experience to share about becoming a single parent by choice?

I just commented this in another sub. Did this happen to anyone else?

I became disabled at age 22 and started using a wheelchair. The street harassment stopped IMMEDIATELY. It was like a switch had been flipped. Boy, did I have mixed feelings about that.

I knew it was because most men no longer had me on their sexual radar. I wasn't a "yes, fuck her" or a "no, wouldn't fuck her" -- I wasn't even considered a choice at all.

Then again, I got to go down the street in peace for the first time since age 12. It was like a white noise machine that had been running for the past ten years had been switched off, and all was quiet.

As a C7-T1 quad, I know I can physically carry a child, but I also know my individual body can’t handle the stress. I know me best, and you know you best. I know how my body reacts from just a UTI, throwing me for a dysreflexia loop and creating an antibiotic intestinal nightmare. I know my bladder diversion goes a little haywire just from bloating once a month. I see how sensitive my skin gets just from wearing certain clothing, causing me to go into protective skin mode. I know the intense spasms and elevated heart rates I get from surgery. And I also know how I hate having people help me with any more than they already do. Add a baby into the mix and all of that will only be heightened — not exactly how I envision carrying a child. I’m strong, but I also know my physical and mental limits.

Still, I’m not a doctor, and I wasn’t totally sure who to ask or what to expect. What information do I need to know in my own journey to parenthood? What hurdles will I face — physically, emotionally, financially? Is there something I should be doing now to ensure baby-making goes more smoothly in the future? Who the hell can answer these questions for me?

In my quest for answers, I spoke to a variety of chair users who had been through different processes or were in different stages of family planning. What I discovered was options, lots of them. And, coincidentally, decisions — lots of them, too.

Knocked Up (So Many Ways to Grow a Family)

Women, SCI, and Sex

What about orgasm? "When polled, 52% of women with SCI reported orgasm. (6) The ability to have an orgasm was unrelated to severity of injury and there are no predictive factors at this time, except that women who achieved orgasm scored higher in sexual information and sex drive," Reyes said. This study also found that the sensations of orgasm are similar between the two groups of women (with and without SCI) and that some women achieved orgasm after stimulation of the breasts or upper body only. Some women reported headache or autonomic dysreflexia during orgasm.

What's your experience with orgasm? Have you found that your erogenous zones have moved or intensified? Have you ever gotten AD during sex? Ever had an accident during sex -- if so, how did you deal with it?

Hi Everyone, we are still looking for participants to share their perspective with us. No prior history of pregnancy is required to participate. We would love to hear from more women with SCI. Please see the link below to learn more about the study: https://questionnaire.simplesurvey.com/f/l/sci-up-survey

Before COVID-19 hit, I had started dating again after a long hiatus. Experiencing intimacy felt so good -- and also a bit strange. It had been so long since I'd had someone in my bed, so close to me, I'd forgotten what it was like. Of course, I'd also forgotten how the anxiety of having an SCI felt: being around a new person, undressing bit by bit, having to explain how my body moved, how I might have incontinence, worrying about how my legs looked, my ass, my para-belly (20 years in the making). But man, those endorphins, that oxytocin...being touched again, having so much skin-to-skin contact that wasn't in a medical context...I felt high, I felt alive.

Then shelter-in-place hit. Like many people, at first I thought it would only last a matter of weeks, maybe a month or two. Still, back then that seemed like a long time. And here we are at month, what, six? I'd only had three dates with the guy, and honestly, while we had fun, our spark wasn't strong enough to last this separation. We talked on the phone for a while, but even that's fizzled out. I'm not heartbroken over it -- no hard feelings -- just upset about the loss of intimacy.

I miss being touched. My body craves it. The only touch I've gotten in months is when I hug my mom; sometimes my cheek hits hers -- this is the extent of my skin-to-skin contact, unless you want to count the doctor who checked my throat glands or my dental visits. I've gotten very good at visualizing someone touching my body, but this doesn't bring those feel-good chemicals I crave, it doesn't trigger that deep primate part of my brain that desires connection. Also, I'm heterosexual, and I miss how being intimate with a man makes me feel my woman-ness so intensely. I miss scratchy stubble and firm jawlines and arms that are bigger than mine without even trying. I miss how they smell; you know, right where the jawline hits the ear -- that part.

Having an SCI means COVID can really fuck me up. I hate wondering when I'm going to be able to touch someone again, and be touched. I'm chomping at the bit waiting for a vaccine. I keep thinking, something's got to give. We can't keep living this way. Can we? So many times I just think to myself, "Fuck it, I want him to come over", but then I think about the possible consequences; of course, he can't come over. No one can. Not yet. The skin hunger will continue.

I’m a c5-6 incomplete just over a year post injury. My boyfriend is very dotting but we don’t have a physical relationship in anyway. It feels like a huge barrier between us.

Hi Everyone,
My name is Claire and I am the research assistant for an international SCI study based in Canada. If you are a woman with SCI your input would be greatly appreciated!

Dr. Anne Berndl designed a survey that collects information on the experiences of women with SCI regarding bladder, bowel, sexual health and pregnancy to address the lack of knowledge about reproductive and urogenital health in this population.

Dr. Berndl is a Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre in Toronto, Ontario. She focuses on pregnancy and physical disability.

This study was created with input from women with SCI and is funded by the Ontario Neurotrauma Foundation. It is anonymous and takes about 30 minutes to complete. You may skip any questions that you do not feel comfortable answering. Just a heads up - I posted in this group a couple months ago (it's the same survey).
If you are interested and haven't done the survey before please visit the survey through the link below: https://questionnaire.simplesurvey.com/f/l/sci-up-survey
Thank you for improving the future of care for women with SCI.

This post is for all women with an SCI. If you have the time we would really like your input.

Dr. Anne Berndl developed a survey that collects information on the experiences of women with SCI regarding bladder, bowel, sexual health and pregnancy to address the lack of knowledge about reproductive and urogenital health in this population.

Dr. Berndl is a Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre in Toronto, Ontario. She focuses on pregnancy and physical disability.

This study was created with input from women with SCI It is completely anonymous and takes about 30 minutes to complete. You may skip any questions that you do not feel comfortable answering.

If you are interested, please visit the survey through the link below: https://questionnaire.simplesurvey.com/f/l/sci-up-survey
Thank you in advance!

I (m29) have been seeing a girl(f26) for a little whole now. She uses reddit too so Maybe she’ll see this

She’s a c5-6 incomplete quadriplegic from a biking accident a few years back. She isn’t able to move from her chest down, limited arm movement and her hands stay closed. She is able to feel a lot though except light sensation on her skin.

We’ve had sex a few times but always missionary as it’s the easiest for us both. We’ve spoken about our desires etc and she wants me to take more control as in move her to new positions and places to have sex.

So basically I’m looking for advice on positions and places that can help facilitate this. She has a few things such as a triangle wedge. But any tips or advice on making it even more enjoyable for her would be great. I know she wants to try more but is also a bit shy in directly asking.

TL:DR. Looking to spice up sex positions with paralyzed girlfriend

This post is for all women over the age of 18 with an SCI injury.

Dr. Anne Berndl developed a survey that collects information on the experiences of women with SCI internationally regarding bladder, bowel, sexual health and pregnancy.

Dr. Berndl is a Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre in Toronto, Ontario. She focuses on pregnancy and physical disability. She has created this survey to address the lack of knowledge about reproductive and urogenital health and pregnancy in women with SCI.

This study was created with input from women with SCI and is funded by the Ontario Neurotrauma Foundation. It is completely anonymous and takes about 30 minutes to complete. You may skip any questions that you do not feel comfortable answering.

If you are interested, please visit the survey through the link below: https://questionnaire.simplesurvey.com/f/l/sci-up-survey

Thank you in advance!

T-9 complete woman here, 19 years post. I thought about writing about my whole sexual journey post-SCI, but that could fill a whole book. I will say that I do experience what I call orgasm, but it’s not orgasm in the conventional sense. My orgasm trajectory does not follow the normal curve, which is like a climb up a mountain until one reaches a peak where one comes upon a pile of fireworks that then explodes, then one makes a rapid descent down the other side. Mine is more like climbing the stairs of a temple and coming to a plateau, then climbing up the next set of stairs until one comes to the next plateau, then up another set of stairs to another plateau…

This temple has no peak. This means two things: I can attain incredible heights of sensation; and I cannot experience release. When I tell my partner I’m going to cum, what I really mean is that I’m going to reach a higher plateau. After almost twenty years, I still can’t figure out if this is satisfying. I do know that at the end of sex, when my partner has peaked and exploded and is then in recovery mode, I’m still on the temple stairs, making the long walk back down.

For me, this happens courtesy of the G-spot. I found this out through trial and error and confirmed by the early days of the world wide web. Clitoral stimulation, my go-to pre-SCI, seemed to not work hardly at all. Well, it started feeling pretty good if it was stimulated for almost an hour, at a consistent speed and pressure, and if I could maintain a hot enough fantasy and concentration for that long.

So…masturbation is hard for me because I have a long spinal fusion (i.e. back doesn’t bend), and it’s difficult to reach my pelvis at the angle I need to in order to get fingers/toys to my G-spot (I have toys specifically for G-spot stimulation). I must stretch my arm and shoulder, and my wrist will get messed up from the in and out motions if I’m not careful. And since the clit doesn’t really do it for me, the whole endeavor just ends up being frustrating. But the other night…was a good night. Why?

LSD, my friends.

LS fuckin’ D. A couple hours into the trip I felt my libido start to go through the roof, and the fantasy machine in my head was working overtime. I rushed into my bedroom – it was like, “Where’s the lube?? Move, cat! Gotta dim the lights! Music, put the music on! GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY! Ok, calm down, you gotta transfer, don’t fucking fall down, Christ…”

Once on the bed, I was able to create a whole porno in my head. At first, I was trying G-spot stimulation, but couldn’t get a rhythm down. I moved to the clitoris, not really expecting much, more like I just wanted to feel myself. But it started feeling good, so I went with it…and went with it…

Yes, it did take a long time to get somewhere, but I didn’t really care or even notice. My brain was having no problems with concentrating on my fantasies. And holy shit, did I climb those temple stairs…higher than I ever have before. At one point I thought I was going to actually experience release, but then my brain went, “OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWENTY YEARS THIS IS A MILESTONE THIS IS IT” which totally took me out of the experience and I stumbled and started falling down the stairs. But still.

When I had made it back down to solid ground, I was exhausted, I felt floaty, in a daze. You know, like I felt after masturbation pre-SCI. It was amazing to feel that again. I cried a bit.

My honest hope it that some day SCI researchers will include drugs like LSD, marijuana, mushrooms, ecstasy etc in their sexuality studies. If anyone deserves a drug that stimulates both your body and mind to be orgasmic, I think it would be people like us.

Hey, what do you all use to clean yourselves before cathing? I have been using baby wipes for years, but I think I'm developing a skin sensitivity/allergic reaction to them. I've tried 2 different brands so far with the same results. Any ideas about what else could be used?

I had a date a little while ago. He messaged me beforehand, "Would you consider dating someone who lived on the second floor of an apartment building with no elevator?" and "So, what type of feeling do you have, sexually speaking?" I replied, "We haven't met yet and don't know if we'll have any chemistry, so these questions are best left until later." Most men I date, I haven't been able to get into their houses without some major assistance, so while it's not ideal, it's par for the course to date someone whose house I can't visit.

We met at a coffee shop and sat at an outside table. He seemed like a nice enough guy. We talked for a while; actually, he did most of the talking. While he talked all about himself I tried to interject stories about my life, but he never asked me any follow up questions. Just kind of was waiting for me to stop talking so he could continue. He didn't ask me anything about myself...except for wheelchair questions. Can you do a wheelie? Yes, I can; I demonstrated, which delighted him.

At one point he asked me, "So, how does it work?"

"What do you mean?" I said.

"You know..." he said, gesturing awkwardly up and down my body with his hand.

I shook my head questioningly at him and raised my eyebrows. Use your big boy words, I'm thinking. "Are we talking about sex?"

"No," he said, "Poop and pee."

"Oh," I replied. Look, I'll mention that I'm not a bashful person. I'm not ashamed of what I need to do to take care of myself. It's just at this point I'm annoyed that all this person has asked about is "that" kind of stuff...you know, the typical questions that fall into the "everything you wanted to know about wheelchair people but are afraid to ask" category. This guy seems to have no interest in who I am, just interest in what I am. For the record, I didn't get any sort of devotee vibe from him, more like he was clueless, or classless, or simply totally lacking in charm.

I gave him the quick run down regarding catheters and gloved hands. (Later on I said to myself, "Why the fuck did you tell him that? He did nothing to earn that information!") At this point I knew I would not be seeing him again. A bit later in the conversation he confirmed my decision by telling me that the last girl he dated was 18 years old...but don't worry, he totally checked her ID! (We're in our forties.)

Good god.

Please tell me some of your dating horror stories. I need to know that I'm not alone.

Hey!

I’m working on designing a turn-by-turn navigation app for geared towards users in wheelchairs, and other ADA needs for a school design project and was wondering if you’d be available to have a chat with me about your experiences and fill out a quick survey?

​

Here’s a link to fill out the survey: https://goo.gl/forms/zgPoJkqY95seAtsA2

​

I’m super excited about this project, and one of my main design challenges is identifying the extremely diverse conditions and obstacles that folks need to be aware of. Basically, I’d love to hear any and all complaints you have about your experience navigating the world as a person with disabilities.

​

Thanks for considering!

I made a post about this in r/TwoXChromosomes. I got a lot of grief for "being entitled".

Last October I had major surgery: I had my spine fused for the second time because my spine was way out of whack after 18 years with the first fusion. Now I'm fused from t-5 down to my pelvis. The hospital stay was 16 days.

I was in a lot of pain and could hardly even turn by myself for the first 7 days. My spine is now ramrod straight due to the new fusion. This made it so I had to relearn how to cath, since I can no longer bend at the waist. I eventually figured out a way to do it that involves extra pillows and a mirror (didn't need those before). But for the first 11 days or so I needed a nurse to catheterize for me.

During this time I strongly requested that I only wanted female nurses to do this (along with my bowel program). Once in a while, though, the scheduling of nurses apparently could not allow this, and I gave in and let a male nurse do it. Each time this happened I felt very embarrassed and...helpless, I guess? I just didn't want it to happen, but staff pushed me to accept it, so I did. I also didn't want to be labeled a "problem patient" (I know word gets around). I talked to the director of the rehab unit and he said that they would attempt to accommodate me if they could. I appreciated his words, at the same time...what he was saying was that sometimes I would have to allow this.

When I posted this to r/TwoXChromosomes before, I got a very harsh response; I was called "entitled", "fussy", and more. Thing is, when other women post about not wanting a male gynecologist, everyone seems fine with that and treats it like it's totally understandable. A pap smear is done only once every 1-2 years...for me, I had to be cathed 3-4 times a day. That's someone spreading my labia apart every 6-8 hours.

I understand nurses work very hard, and have schedules. I understand that a nurse, whether male or female, likely sees genitals multiple times a day, and my body is nothing they haven't seen before, and they are clinically-minded, and it's no big deal to them...but it's a big deal to me. This isn't about their perception, it's about my own personal comfort level.

I'm no prude, believe me. My sexual past stands as a testament to that. But in the hospital I was feeling very vulnerable, in so much pain, frustrated, and helpless. I just didn't want a man to cath me at that time. That's all. Was I wrong?

If you disagree, please be respectful about it. The responses I got when I first posted about this kinda hurt.

https://www.myshepherdconnection.org/sci/women

I've only watched the last 3, which are "Dating", "Intimacy" and "Sex Positions" (because that's what I'm always interested in), but I liked them a lot. It's so interesting to hear how other women deal with this stuff!

Sexual objectification and attraction can be complicated for us SCI ladies. I read a study recently that got me thinking about this. In particular, "In the area of sexuality, [able-bodied] women may perceive a chance to redeem themselves as highly valued. Disabled women, however, because of the myths and assumptions regarding sexuality and disability, are not offered this chance at redemption, and therefore may be made to feel particularly worthless. It was interesting to note that some disabled women, self-identified as 'feminists', have felt a conflict between the goals of feminism and their personal needs. The feminist movement encourages women to resist being regarded as sexual objects and targets of objectifying sexual comments from men, while many disabled women have never been such targets and wish to 'have a turn' at being viewed as a sexual or 'sexy' person."

Personally, after my injury I noticed something: I could now go down the street in silence. I am no longer hooted and hollered at. It was like a white noise or background noise that had ceased, and at first I couldn't figure out what was different. But now I revel in the fact that I haven't felt this free of sexual harassment since I was 12 years old. Almost 20 years post-injury, I have lost the habit of tensing my body when approaching a group of men on the street. Strangely, I sometimes feel a sense of power: no longer am I uncomfortable when approaching strange men -- now I am the one making them uncomfortable. Is that messed up, that I take some small satisfaction in the fact that these tables have been turned?

At the same time, I'm no dummy. I know what this means: I am no longer seen as a viable sexual option to most men. It's not that I am free of objectification, it's that I am now on the other side of it, ie "Nah, wouldn't even think of fucking her". Is this better? It sure doesn't feel that way sometimes. I think in the end I would like to be seen as a sexual person, but not just a sexual person. I think that's what most women want, disabled or not.

So, I wear sandals with socks, all year round (just fine for most California weather). But I sometimes see SCI women wearing shoes that seem to be impossible for me, namely high heels and heeled boots.

How the heck does this work? Whenever I try to wear anything like this, my toes just bunch up and curl and get pressure marks all over. How does you keep your toes straight? And any ideas for shoes that are cute, fashionable, and/or are workable? Most "disability" shoes I see are made for seniors with diabetes, which means they look like slippers with zippers/velcro.

Let's face it: society often sees disabled women in a much different way than we see ourselves. We are often perceived as asexual, unable to care for ourselves or direct our lives, hyper-dependent, and sometimes as burdens on our friends and families. How do these perceptions affect how we see ourselves?

If we are asexual, how can we be wives or girlfriends, or simply date? If we cannot care for ourselves, how can we ever be mothers and care for our families and children? The perceived lack of roles for disabled women can lead to a state sometimes referred to as "rolelessness". Society offers us few role models or avenues for self-affirmation. This can really get into your head, and lead to feelings of invisibility and powerlessness. Of course, some of us are single and/or childless by choice, but many of us are not.

But there can be a silver lining to rolelessness. Sometimes it can offer us a feeling of freedom. We are freed from expectations of marriage and family. For me -- a woman who has chosen to not have children -- I am free of people asking me why I don't have children, or asking me when I'm going to have them. My parents never pressured me to "give them grandchildren". And no one asks me why I am single. Since I am not expected to fulfill a cookie-cutter version of womanhood, I am more able to make my own way. Living this kind of "pioneer" life opens up so many more avenues that I may not have chosen otherwise. Of course, living life without a clear map can sometimes be scary, confusing, and lonely...but it can also be exciting and refreshing.

How do you deal with rolelessness? How does society react to your choices? If you've chosen to have a partner and a family, what has your experience been like?

Tell me about your injury!

For me- almost 3 years ago, L1 incomplete paraplegia, after falling 18 ft.

What about all of you?

It is said that only 1 in 4 spinal cord injuries happen to women. With such a small community, it is important for us to have meeting places where we can share about our lives, ask questions, and spread information.

Many of us have found that there is often not a whole lot of information about SCI women's issues relative to men's issues. Post-injury rehabilitation tends to be so focused on the physical aspects of moving through the world with our new bodies that other important things get left behind, such as homemaking, motherhood, dating, sex, fashion, and more. We are often left with making our own way.

We may find ourselves needing answers to so many questions, with no one to turn to. "How do I keep my children safe when I can't move most of my body?" "How do I navigate the waters of dating and sex?" "Is a good sex life still possible for me?" "If I have children, is a C-section inevitable?" "How do I deal with accepting my new body?" "Does such a thing as a comfortable, well-fitting pair of pants exist?"

What questions do you have? What life advice do you have to share? Let's help each other deal with our grief over what was lost, and help boost each other up into whatever the future holds.