I feel like I've never belonged in this world, a burden, nothingness human. The existence I have is just that, existence. I find myself searching, as if I'll suddenly have a purpose. As if one day someone will just come up to me and say, "I need you here, I love you, I care". So many, "what ifs"... all the failures, trauma, everything is all-consuming. I don't think I will ever feel fulfilled in life, or feel like I'm not alone. Sucks truthfully believing everyone is better off without you. Teetering between staying alive for the hope of "better" and just giving up entirely. Several attempts have already been made. Might be what holds me back, just the disappointment of survival. Having to live with that embarrassment again. Truthfully, I don't fully know how or why I'm here. All I know is that I'm tired, scared, hurt, lost, and lonely.

I've been sick since I was 3yo. Shortyl after my parents discovered my brother is mentally and physically disabled. My brother is a sweet and loving man now, but we've had ZERO help from extended family. Ever.

Due to trauma after trauma, abuse after abuse and misfortunes about I am now 32 and have wanted to die since I was 27. I have ptsd, medical ptsd, adhd, my own autism and am disabled physically with a progresaive illness. I think about suicide often. Sometimes just passively, but I can't conceptualize for me beyond 35 at this point. I am always in pain and over the last few years lost my social circle as I became more sick. I want to die. I could even do it with Dr assisted suicide in my country.

But if I do my brother will have no one to care for him. My stupid, traumatized parents have built him no community. I love him and want to be a good caregiver to him someday but I don't want to be crushed anymore. I feel trapped in life and trapped in death

Therapy for years. On meds from my psychiatrist. Due to my Illess and need for constant medical monitoring which involves needles, inpatient or incarceration of any kind can lead to blindness or death due to neglect and often does for disabled people. So I'd just die anyways rather than surrounded my trees and a creek listening to my favorite song, which I chose for my death.

My life and death aren't even my own what do I have?

I’m not completely sure how to use reddit but I don’t feel like I can go and tell someone how I feel right now.As a 12 year old girl In a big world everything feels so scary?I have a hard time talking to people and when i try to say something I choke on air and I can no longer speak,I get nervous and can’t help but feel knots in my stomach.I feel like i’m constantly drowning in a big ocean that’s so deep I never stop going down.I’m not even sure if what i’m saying right now makes sense ?English is my first language yet i don’t even understand myself sometimes.I absolutely love my family but sometimes it all just feels like too much.I’m a bit chubby and do nothing but worry about my appearance and can’t help but worry about how other people see or view me.I’m so very mad with myself because I get so mad over the slightest inconvenience.I’m pretty sure u have anger issues.Anyways,lately i’ve been getting really mad at my younger sister who is 4 so she obviously doesn’t behave sometimes,I mean shes 4 what do i except?But there are times where i can’t help but yell at her because of how bad she is sometimes.As an older sister i feel so disappointed in myself.Everything is just making me so mad and sad.After school i feel so drained and tired then i have to help my mom out with my siblings and cleaning while my older sister does her homework.I feel both mentally and physically exhausted.Every slight inconvenience makes me tear up and have a breakdown.Recently I wasn’t able to find my headphones after looking for them everywhere in my room and pacing back and forth from one side of the room to the other because I listen to music every night before I sleep and it helps calm me down.Everything just feels all over the place,My emotions,Myself,life,it’s all just a messy puzzle that hasn’t been solved.There are times where i’m very happy of course but there are also times where i breakdown and can’t help but feel madness and agony.I started feeling things like this when i was around 9 years old?I was bullied all elementary and had bad thoughts about harming myself then.I’m not sure anymore how I feel,Sometimes words can’t describe my emotions.I just feel like spilling it all out on an app i’m not even supposed to be on.Sometimes i just cry for no reason,on the first week of school I did nothing but cry as soon i got home.I don’t know why but I just feel so hurt?Lol what is a 7th grader doing venting on reddit?!I don’t know who to go to,i don’t feel comfortable going to anyone else so why go to social media and just spill over to strangers?I seem to be in a bad mood a lot and i feel bad.I try not to say anything or do anything that’ll cause problems around me or start problems yet i always find a way to mess up.I’m so sorry to others who feel this way as well,I wish you all the best in life ❤️

Don't think that I'm some spoiled brat that cries when her mum doesn't let her do what she wants. Because that's not it. Not spoiled - i think

I have a friend. We are distancing. I always hated school but since I befriended him I was always kinda excited to see him. Yes, okay i have a crush on him but fuck this. He is/was a grade above me. The grade before you have to leave school. Either for a higher school or to start a apprenticeship.

I know that I've grown attached. He's gone now. I knew that we would distance as soon as he wouldn't be there anymore. As much as school hurt me, summer holidays made me feel equally bad.

So for now why do I hate school? I'm not getting bullied. Atleast- I don't see that as bullying. We have per grade the classes a,b and c. I'm in class b. So- class a is talking shit 'bout me. Class b is leaving me out, acting like I don't exist. They are even shit talking bout me while i'm next to them. And c is screaming at me, swearing, cussing me out. And the worst- sexually harrasing me.

Fuck this. I have told my mom and the friend I've mentioned earlier about them swearing at me, but i haven't told a soul about these teenage boys screaming at me on how they might rape me and how they're getting h4rd as soon as they see me. I feel very uncomfortable :(

I hate my class so much. We are 13 girls and one guy. There's this popular girl and she's friends with a girl that has been emotionally manipulating me during elementary school. I opened up about her, that popular girl found out and is now threatening me with that evidence. Everytime I don't do as she pleases she says something like

"Well atleast I don't publish shit about [girls name]"

My mum is currently looking for a new job. She has auditioned for 2 jobs, both over 40 minuted away, i completely different directions. Even tho she said that she's just "homesick" of her work, I know that it's because of me. I have been begging her on my knees to move away since over a year now.

She even found a little house. Today I talked with her about it again.

,,We don't know if i'll get the job, the house ect. And even if, you only have one year left and then you wouldn't be in this school anyways"

That's it. The word school. I closed the window, went to my room and started to cry. I didn't know how much school broke me until I started to cry today just because of the word school. I'm messed up.

Life is a small journey. God created us for some reasons. We make it worse by getting some wrong person in our life. That is so irritated . We should not trust anybody blindly .

I'm having a gay ol time of my life and it's always sad how one mean post and a bunch of down votes makes me retreat back into my shell and avoid people again. I know nobody is trying to hurt me and it'd a free space for anyone to speak thier mind, but it's always frustrating to regress and feel like sh8t over mean posts. 🧐

Must. Must. Grow the thicker skin I say!! 💪🏽🙍🏾‍♀️

sad

I had this crush on this girl and she recently moved away before I told how I felt it was on the last day before winter break I have been trying to distract myself from it but I f*cking hate everything

I prepared so hard for that interview, did so well on the technical test, almost flawlessly. And I got cold feet when the interview comes and make all my effort almost in vain. I know the result in 2 days from now but it's almost set in stone that I won't get the scholarship. Fuck me, all that for nothing, just why am I like this

School is giving me so much stress, i absolutely hate it. Like none of these weeks since 2019 started has been good. I got a 40% on my science quiz on friday and im scared that in this upcoming math test im gonna fail. I literally fail all my math tests. Im trying to get good grades bc i wanna go to a good school and also be in medical school buh none of this stuff is helping. Ugh i just need these next three years to go by fast.

I'm 10 years old and my nan died this morning. I'm trying to keep my self busy to forget but I just can't. She was my only friend. Do you have any suggestions for how I can cope? Thank you

He says he is ready but he is not he said these exact words today if she wants to be with me than she should make herself available but we are together I asked him a long time ago was it safe to love him and he said yes he lied he's not ready and I am not mad at that I am ok with it I will hurt but that is ok my pain will be temporary if I let him go if I continue to hold on and force myself on him there is no telling how long my pain will last

We've been broken up for 5 months and we haven't spoken in weeks and I still miss him every day. I just needed to post it somewhere.

(First I must say, this is not a story of my own. This story was provided by my friend in school, Madelyn, of her past experiences. For the Poet Of Hell does not experience hell, for himself...)

Growing up, I had always had a light, shining bright to lead me through the coming darkness... brightening the way for me to walk. Eventually, the light would flicker, and flicker, and die, but from the ashes of that old protector of mine, is born anew guardian. Once again, lighting my way, guiding me forward. Here... is my story.

When I grew up, I wasn't loved very much. My mother and father would fight and they would take their fury out on me, the youngest of the family. Every time, my brother, my oh-so-loved brother, would try to protect me... shield me from the darkness that consumed my family from everyday of the year. A dark day was foretold when my parents would take it too far. My brother, as usually, argued with my mother and father to lead me alone. This time, the argument got out of hand, and it lead to my brother being kicked out of the house. I never saw him again. My life proceed as usually, abusive, cold, and heartless parents... as usual. Until one day... I feel in love with a popular kid in my class in Middle School. He was one of the most popular kids at school, a excellent soccer player, and he has perfect scores. He was quite dashing as well ;). Of course, being abused, I thought I could only dream that he would ever notice me, less love me, but one night, one- so-fateful night, he came to my apartment on Valentine's Day, a box of chocolates in one hand, flowers in the other, and asked me those oh so beautiful words that became a new star, "Will you go on a date with me?" Life proceeded on except my days were filled with happiness and his excellent choice of food (seriously I thought he was a chef for a second XD). Then the day turned to a night of crimson red as I skipped school when I got the news that my boyfriend, my light in the dark, my star in the night sky, had gotten into a car crash. I was quite the nerd and knew very much about most car crash incidents. Someone would be critically hurt. For the life of me, I had to wish he was ok. Unfortunately, he wasn't. He hadn't exactly been disabled, he simply had quite the "bruise" on him. He had been hospitalized until he was able to go to school and not collapse under the pain. Once again, my light had faded into darkness. Then once again, from the ashes of that star came another, just as bright, just as shielding. His brother had been into town when he heard of the incident. My love had asked his brother to take care of me in his place. That was exactly what he did. Actually, the brother cared for me so well, in the following weeks, I came close to liking him, even loving him, but I have been hurt too much to bear the thought of making someone else go through such things and I wouldn't betray my love so easily anyway. Eventually everything worked out and me and my love become an official thing at school (we were dating unofficially before then), but I still remember my difficulties and look back to them with a smile and a frown. Hope you had a better beginning than me :D

(For anyone who is overly protective, I did obtain permission from Madelyn to post this. And... idk if she will see this but, even though she has a boyfriend, I still secretly have a bit of a crush on her. :D)

I just spilled water all over my new MacBook Air. It's fried.

That is all..