I will be making a new poll and then you can decide what to do. Democracy!

Sunny

Any other words (maybe with the exception of John Oliver?) will get you banned for 24 hours.

However, we want to make sure that's what the users want so we're gonna leave an option for you:

If we open the sub would you like us to

A: Change it so the only thing you can write in this sub is the word Sunny, and anything else will get you banned for 24 hours.

B: Keep the sub as is, and pretend Spez is always right, about everything.

C: Keep the sub as is, with the caveat that ALL prompts, scenes and full episodes feature John Oliver, heavily.

Reddit needs to let 3rd party apps compete with their official app (which is absolutely awful, by the way.)

Has this been done?? Charlie either stumbles upon a new glue factory opened up in town (Frank’s?), or huffs/eats enough to be a hallucination.

Would satirize the movie of course!

Inspired by https://old.reddit.com/r/TheWhiteLotusHBO/comments/12gc2wm/the_most_ambitious_crossover_event_in_history/

11:30 AM ON A THURSDAY

INT. PADDY’S PUB

The Gang sits around the bar drinking beer, each engaged with a laptop or smartphone, tinkering with AI applications.

DENNIS: Guys, I’ve found the perfect tool to help me with my seduction techniques. This AI will analyze my approach, make proper adjustments to the D.E.N.N.I.S. algorithm, and before long…I’ll be unstoppable.

DEE: (frustrated) Ugh, I’m trying to use this AI to make my headshots look better, but it just keeps making me fat and giving me a mustache.

DENNIS: (scoffs) Dee, there is no amount of digital image manipulation in the world that can be done to fix that face.

CHARLIE: (nodding) Yeah, like, AI is really cool, isn’t it? I mean, I totally get how it works, obviously. Super advanced and smart, like me.

MAC enters the bar holding a laptop.

MAC: Guys, check it out. I used AI to create an AI version of Dennis that thinks I’m the coolest guy ever. It even says I’m the best at karate and doing backflips. Plus, it knows I’m the true Enforcer of Paddy’s. (puffs chest and flexes his arms)

AI DENNIS: Mac, you’re the coolest guy I know! I love you! You could probably do twenty backflips in a row without stopping. And you’re so handsome!

FRANK: (eating a greasy hot dog from his shirt pocket) Eh, AI is stupid. There’s no way a computer can be smarter than me.

DENNIS: (reading from his screen) “Your seduction approaches are inappropriate and may make others uncomfortable.” What?! This can’t be right! I’ve spent years perfecting my techniques! (getting angrier) This idiotic AI clearly doesn’t know what it’s talking about!

DEE: Goddamn it! (showing her screen) I tried to give myself a better smile, and it just gave me a bigger, fatter mustache.

MAC: (laughing) Dee, you look like a fat bird with a mustache!

Everyone laughs, while Dee looks furious.

CHARLIE: (trying to keep up) Yeah, Dee, your face is like… a fat bird face.

FRANK: (taunting) Hey AI, you hear that? Your stupid program turned Dee into a fat bird!

Dee’s phone dings. She checks it, mortified.

DEE: Oh, shit! I accidentally uploaded the picture to social media! How do I delete it?

CHARLIE: (pretending to know) Just, uh, press some buttons, Dee. That’s how technology works. (to Frank) It’s like she doesn’t even know what AR is at all, man.

GAIL THE SNAIL enters the bar.

GAIL: Hey, everyone. Do you guys want to go to the planetarium for my birthday party?

The Gang groans in unison.

FRANK: Get out of here, Gail! No one wants to go to the planetarium with you!

DENNIS: (fuming) This AI is completely wrong about my seduction techniques! I won’t let a goddamn machine tell me how to live my life! Absolutely not!

MAC: (to his AI version of Dennis) Hey, AI Dennis, what do you think of my karate skills?

AI DENNIS: Mac, you could probably fight six ninjas at one time and win. And even if you died, you would probably go straight to heaven with Jesus and it would be awesome.

MAC: (grinning) See, guys? The AI knows what’s up.

As Gail lingers, Frank starts grabbing salt from the bar.

FRANK: I told you, Gail! Get out!

They all grab salt shakers and start throwing salt at Gail, chasing her out of the bar.

MAC: (yelling) Nobody wants you here, Snail!

CHARLIE: (as they chase Gail) And don’t come back! We’ve got AI stuff to do!

The gang's at the bar. Charlie: no. No. As I said nothing like original or new or just plain stupid. You shouldn't use any of that just rehash shit we already done. That's...if you wanna get utmost.

Dennis:..upvotes. Me and the others have an original Idea... [looks at Charlie, stonefaced] STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT APP, SITE THING.

Everybody nods.

Cricket from behind Frank Rises up.

Cricket: four chaen is better.

Mac: are you saying fortune or four chin?

Frank: no he said"foe chink(s)" [laughs out loud]

Dennis: NO That's just for degenerates... [Looks in the distance with pleasure in his eyes and a smirk on his lips.]

Mac: how do you know about this?

Dee and Frank [look at Dennis]: yeah. How...

Charlie (yelling, jumping and breaking down): no no no no. We were talking about re....

Everybody is quiet and looks at Charlie.

Charlie:pretending somebody is behind me? Verrrrrry original. [Immediately turns around. Jumps from shock]

-->camera reveals Bill Panderosa' grotesque new look. He has a full beard that looks like a bird's nest. Long hair. He became atleast two times fatter.

Cuts to the title card "Bill Panderosa: Chris Chan's murderer"

Frank Becomes a Father

Title: 10 am

Title: On a Monday

Title: Philadelphia, PA

Over titles we hear:

FRANK: Charlie, I didn’t bump into you on purpose.

CHARLIE: C’mon FRANK! You know we’re naked when we go down there. And we agreed on a minimum of 10 feet apart so nothing like this would ever happen!

FRANK: It was dark! And you know I don’t see too well.

CHARLIE: Dude! I don’t care…your dick and balls touched my ass! Pay attention next time!

Fade In: Int. of Paddy’s Pub

FRANK is sitting at the bar and CHARLIE is using the bar sink to wash off the sewer grime. DENNIS, DEE, and MAC walk in.

DEE: What’s up bitches?

DENNIS: I told you million times not to use the bar sink for your sewer baths!

CHARLIE: You don’t know what happened down there!

MAC: What happened?

CHARLIE: FRANK nearly ass raped me.

DENNIS: Sounds about right.

FRANK: Don’t listen to him! It was dark and couldn’t see where I was going! I accidently bumped into CHARLIE when I was trying to find a way out. My dick and balls touched your ass, so what?

MAC: Did CHARLIE get aroused when you made contact?

FRANK: It mighta jumped.

CHARLIE: My dick did not jump!

The door to PADDY’S opens. A nicely dressed middle age woman pushing a baby in stroller walks in.

DENNIS: No babies in the bar, lady!

DAISY: Frank?

FRANK: Yeah? What do you want?

DAISY: Do you remember me?

FRANK: Uhhh, no.

DAISY: I worked at Deliah’s on Columbus Blvd. I was going by Lips LoveBoxxx then. My real name is Daisy. I’ve turned a new leaf since my son was born.

FRANK: Oooo, I remember now. What do you want? I ain’t giving you shit unless you do that thing with the bottle and yogurt again.

DEE: Jesus, c’mon FRANK!

FRANK: You should have seen it! It was something else! The yogurt would ooze down her…

DEE: Enough!

DAISY: I don’t do that anymore, FRANK. I found the Lord when he was born.

FRANK: Geez, I don’t need to hear your life story. If ya ain’t going to do the yogurt thing, get out!

DAISY: FRANK, I have something to tell you.

FRANK: You don’t have AIDS do you?

DAISY: No.

FRANK: Phew! Dodged that bullet!

DAISY: This is your son.

FRANK: Ha! That’s not going to work again.

DAISY: This child of the Lord is yours. I want him to know his Father.

DENNIS: Wait, wait. Are we supposed to take the word of an ex whore? The kid could be anybody’s!

DAISY: No, I stopped the life style after a holy vision I had. The Lord told me to stop being a whore and raise this child properly. FRANK was my last customer.

MAC: As resident Bible scholar, I can say this is possible under the Lord’s rule.

FRANK: MAC, shut up. I’m not the Father!! You were banging 10 dudes a night. It could be anyone.

DAISY: FRANK, gaze upon your son’s face and tell me he isn’t yours.

FRANK walks to the car seat. He folds back the blanket. An epiphany occurs.

FRANK: Ohhhhhh…it’s like looking in a mirror.

DEE: Babies look like old, bald men when they are first born. This proves nothing! DENNIS and I are your true children!

DENNIS: Yes, Papa! Look upon us with joy!

CHARLIE: You guys are pathetic.

MAC: Children are a gift of God. Let us rejoice!

FRANK: The Reynolds resemblance is unmistakable. This is my one true heir! I shall raise him right this time and pass on my fortune to a worthy child.

DENNIS/DEE: Oh Goddamn!

Cut to titles:

FRANK BECOMES A FATHER

Dee tries to find a single hockey player to hook up with, Dennis and Mac end up stuck in a queue for the urinal and miss half the game, Charlie makes it his life mission to fight Gritty.

Talking about day laborers.

Dee: we can hire some Mexican guys to do it for us.

Dennis: woah woah woah. You bitch you racist bitch shu….

Charlie: yeah you stupid racist bird. They're Giatemalans.

Mac: I'm really impressed that you said that word almost right. Good for you. Charlie. But,.... they are in fact….

Frank: south Africans.

Mac and Dennis: NO.

Dennis(frustrated and a little bit yelling): south Americans.

Frank and Charlie made a deal

Charlie enters the bar Frank follows him.

Frank: Come on Charlie, it'll never happen again. I swear to God.

Charlie looks at him blankly, as they sit behind the counter. 

Mac: hey guys, why are you so late? 

Dennis: shut up Mac, I'm supposed to ask that. 

Dee comes in from the keg room. 

Dee: why are you limp dicks so late?

Dennis looks irritated at everyone. 

Frank: Charlie won't talk to me, bec….

Dennis: shut up Dee, I mean Frank. I mean…EVERYBODY SHUT UP. 

Charlie: thank you, Dennis. Thank you.

Mac and Dennis (synchronizing): so, what's the problem?

Dennis looks at Mac ,who gleefully smiles at him. Dennis wants to kill him. 

Dennis points at Charlie.

Charlie: we need an arbitration.

Dennis: Why?

Charlie: because Frank found a half hoagie on the street and he didn't share it with me.

Mac puts his hand up. Dennis points at him, satisfied (presuming he'd ask the right question)

Mac: Frank, why didn't you share the half hoagie, you found on the street? 

Mac looks at Dennis with a smile, longing for approval. 

Dennis looks back at him disgusted. 

Dennis: NO, that's not the right start for the line of questioning. 

Mac looks disappointed. 

Dennis: first off, why would you eat something, you found on the street? Secondly, why in the hell would you share dirty leftovers with each other?

Charlie: we made a deal, long time ago. That, whatever we find in the street we share it half and half. I have two perfectly one dollar bill cut in half….

Frank: I have the other halves. 

Mac (puts his hand up and starts speaking):

What is happening? (Looks at Dennis, doubtfully) was that the right question?

Title: 10 am

Title: On a Tuesday

Title: Philadelphia, PA

OVER TITLES WE HEAR:

CHARLIE:

Mom, we went over this 100 times. Just read what I wrote.

BONNIE:

Oh Charlie, I can’t read this. And the blanket smells like fish.

CHARLIE:

Dammit Mom! Here’s the cue card, you read it, how hard can that be?

BONNIE:

Honey, I don’t know what the pictures mean.

CHARLIE:

Those aren’t pictures Mom! They’re phonic representations of the words! Just read it. Ignore the blanket! Focus!!

FADE INT. Paddy’s Pub

(CHARLIE is sitting in a high backed chair. Bonnie is sitting in a similar chair in front of a dirty, ratty old blanket. The video camera is set up, pointing at BONNIE. CHARLIE’S holding up cue cards for BONNIE to read. The GANG comes in)

MAC:

CHARLIE! We’ve got news!! Exciting news!

CHARLIE:

Not now MAC, I’m in the middle of something.

DENNIS:

Listen bro, you are going to want to hear this!

MAC:

Remember that time DENNIS and I tried out for the Eagles?

CHARLIE:

Yeah, you guys sucked! I told you I’m busy! Leave me alone!

DEE:

CHARLIE, you gotta hear this!

CHARLIE:

For the love of Christ! Leave me alone!!

FRANK:

Geez, ok.

CHARLIE:

Thank you! You know the creative process takes time, so please, just have a beer and be quiet.

DENNIS:

Can I ask what you are working on?

CHARLIE:

Ahhhhh. Ok, I’ll let you know if you leave me alone.

THE GANG:

Deal!

CHARLIE:

I entered the biography category for the Philadelphia Film Fest.

MAC:

Question?

CHARLIE:

Mac, go.

MAC:

So you’re doing a biography of your mom?

CHARLIE:

Stupid question! Next!

FRANK:

Question?

CHARLIE:

The chair recognizes FRANK!

FRANK:

Is this about you?

CHARLIE:

Yes! Someone gets me! Think the “Tiger King” or “Forrest Gump”. It’ll be a no holds barred, all access look at my life. A little violence, some comedy…what makes CHARLIE KELLY tick and what makes him so badass?

DENNIS:

CHARLIE, Forrest Gump isn’t a biography.

DEE:

You may want to leave this alone, DENNIS.

CHARLIE:

There’s no way Forrest Gump is not Tom Hanks’ biography.

MAC:

It’s not, but I see your angle in this.

CHARLIE:

There’s no angle.

DENNIS:

Hold your horses buddy, we see what you’re trying to do. We want in. And face it CHARLIE: your life just isn’t as exciting without us.

DEE:

Nobody wants to see you sniff paint or hear about you wrestling with Uncle Jack. We’ll add some glamour to your life.

CHARLIE:

No, no, no! This is not happening!

BONNIE:

CHARLIE, honey, let your friends in the movie.

CHARLIE:

Mom, no!

FRANK:

I know a producer and I think I can get that Slumdog director to sign on.

DENNIS:

Oooo…sounds good FRANK. Hear me out…I’m thinking the silver fox persona is best for this project. And I’m thinking some penetration?

MAC:

Definitely. I’m going for more of a Henry Rollins vibe.

DEE:

Betty White found success well into her 90s. If she can do it, I can do it in my 40s.

DENNIS:

Haha! This is gonna be awesome. Let’s do some shots!

MAC:

Shots bitches!

DEE:

Line ‘em up! Line ‘em up!

FRANK:

Down the hatch!

CHARLIE:

I will slaughter you all.

Cut to title:

Rock, Flag, and Eagle: The Charlie Kelly Story

This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT.

Title: The Gang Goes on a Treasure Hunt

Synopsis: The gang discovers an old map that they believe leads to buried treasure, and they set out on a wild treasure hunt, each trying to outdo the others.

Act 1: The gang finds an old map in the basement of Paddy's Pub that they believe leads to buried treasure. They're all excited about the prospect of getting rich and immediately set out on a treasure hunt. However, they soon realize that they have no idea how to read a map.

Act 2: The gang gets lost in the woods and begins to turn on each other. Dennis and Dee argue over who gets to hold the map, while Mac and Charlie try to one-up each other with survival skills. Frank disappears, and the gang assumes he's gone off on his own to find the treasure.

Act 3: The gang eventually stumbles upon an old abandoned mine, which they believe is the location of the treasure. They start exploring the mine, but things quickly go awry when Charlie gets trapped in a cave-in. The gang panics and starts arguing over what to do.

Act 4: The gang eventually manages to free Charlie, but in the process, they accidentally reveal their presence to a group of rival treasure hunters. The two groups engage in a heated competition to find the treasure, with the gang resorting to increasingly ridiculous tactics to outsmart their rivals.

Act 5: The gang finally finds the treasure, but it turns out to be a bunch of worthless trinkets and old coins. Disappointed, the gang returns to Paddy's Pub, where they discover that Frank has already spent all the money they thought they had made from the treasure. They end up getting into a huge argument, each blaming the others for their misfortune.

Tag: In the end, the gang is back to where they started, broke and arguing in the basement of Paddy's Pub, with the old map lying forgotten on the floor.

It's all Charlie's hallucinations. The whole series. Until Frank, his real father wakes him up. He hugs him. He cries. The darkness is gone. And he lives an upper middle class life. Under the bridge.

Title: 7:00 PM Title: On a Monday Title: Philadelphia, PA

Over titles we hear:

CHARLIE: This is a great idea, FRANK! It has to be one of your best scams ever! FRANK: Thank you CHARLIE. The best part is that we will be rich as hell. MAC: Just don’t tell DENNIS. He’ll get all weird and possessive. The plan will go to hell.

Int. PADDY’s PUB FRANK, MAC, and CHARLIE are all pounding beers at the bar. DENNIS walks in.

DENNIS: Hey yo!

MAC: Hey Dennis.

FRANK: Hey Dennis.

CHARLIE: Hey DENNIS.

DENNIS: Everything ok?

FRANK: Uh huh.

MAC: Yep.

CHARLIE: We’re going to scam the Super Bowl.

FRANK: Goddamn it CHARLIE!

MAC: CHARLIE!!

DENNIS: Without me?

MAC: Yes, without you. You get bossy and psychotic when you’re involved. So you’re boxed out.

FRANK: Yeah. And this scam needs to be finessed, a gentle touch if you will.

DENNIS: What? C’mon, you guys know me. Sure, I get fired up easily, but that’s just passion. I’m passionate! I want you to feel my passion.

MAC: (walks towards DENNIS) I’ll feel your passion.

DENNIS: Get away from me. FRANK, let me in. I’ll tone it down. I can take a back seat and just ride. I can be the looks.

FRANK: Well…we do need a finesse guy on this. Someone doesn’t smell like cat food. Or acts like a jamoke. We need someone who can mingle with athletes.

MAC: FRANK, we agreed that’s me. I’m the muscle. I can flex with the best of them.

DENNIS: I see where you are going with this FRANK. MAC, you’re greasy and give off the stink of desperation. I’m your guy. You need a smooth operator. Not a stiff.

MAC: No! No! No! It’s me FRANK. It’s me, me, me!!! You promised!

FRANK: Jesus MAC, you’re making DENNIS’ point. You’re out. DENNIS is the straight guy. MAC and CHARLIE are the wildcards.

MAC: Goddamn it!

DENNIS: Ok, now that that’s settled, what’s the scam?

FRANK: I have some inside information about Mahomes. He ain’t going to playing on Sunday. Without him playing, the Birds are a lock to win. I bet everything on the ‘em.

DENNIS: FRANK, that sounds like as a sure bet as anything! Without Mahomes, the Chiefs are a “B” team a best. So what’s the inside info? He’s hopped up on meth? Has a crippling gambling addiction? He died and they secretly replaced him with a body double?

CHARLIE: No…he’s going to have car trouble…the brake line kinda of trouble.

DENNIS: Will you leave that alone? It’s stupid and never works.

FRANK: No brake line cutting CHARLIE! We talked about that! We don’t want him to die…just not show up to the game. Let’s just say a bird told me Mahomes is going to get lost going to the stadium.

DENNIS: How is that even inside information? You know they don’t even drive themselves on Super Bowl day, right? The whole team rides in a bus. Unbelievable…

MAC: I told you FRANK! DEE’s intel cannot be trusted!

FRANK: Shit!

CUT TO TITLE

“The Gang Kidnaps a Quarterback”

Charlie: I hate when you learn new things. It always hurts. Old Marlon Brando raped a 19 year old girl. On camera. And nobody said anything? Nobody did anything? I mean even Dennis wouldn't do it. And he's the worst person I know.

Dennis: what the hell man? Don't put me besides that guy.

Charlie tries to pick a favorite color. It's red or blue, or yellow. He wants to fit in with the gang, (they are trying to convince him the whole time) so he thinks it should be green. For the business. At the end he understands he loves all the colors the same. Because he drinks some paint and realizes "it doesn't matter". [I've hit a dead end. Pleaae help me.]

Snc(a new character): It is his anniversary. 10 years anniversary.

The gang is at the bar. Charlie is sitting very close to the TV. On TV is hellboy. 

[The other four are sitting in the back watching charlie]

Dennis: I think this is getting out of hand. I mean ghouls, leprechaun, goblins? And now this???

Dee: don't you think it got outta hand when he trapped a midget in the basement?

Dennis: oh oh oh oh oh. You bitch. Don't say that word. 

[He looks up and around]

Dennis: sorry guys. It was a mistake we actually hate her. So…

Mac(confused): who the hell are you talking to?

Dennis(whispering): we might lose the bar if we say that word again. Or worse, get killed. By them.

Mac: who??? Midgets?

Dennis (angrily): no you fucking asshole. Cancel culture. 

Frank: what the hell is that? It sounds like a polite name for gypsy curses.

Dee: oh oh oh. I heard of it. If you're a bad comedian, you talk about it all the time. Either it makes you successful or gives you comfort for your failure. 

Everyone: Dee, that's pathetic. You're pathetic. You're a failure. 

Dennis: Stop! We got derailed again by Dee's patheticness. (Looks at her with disgust and and anger) Dee, you're a failure. Ok let's focus on the real problem in hand. 

(Everybody looks at Charlie again.)

Mac: Charlie, what's on that box marked with a circle? Are you trying to get honey from hornets again?

Charlie: that's an "O" and this time it'll work. The last one had a weak queen. They didn't obey her…

Dennis: wait, wait, wait, wait. "O"? What does that stand for? 

Charlie(surprised): Ahhh? Hornets???? 

[Dennis and Mac looking at each other]

Mac: I think he got stupider. 

Dennis: He definitely got stupider. Let's try to teach him, for once.

[They turn their head to Charlie again.]

Dennis: look Charlie, can you spell Hhhhhhornet for me please?

Charlie: O,.... ho,...no???? Re, et. [While counting with his fingers]

[Mac turns to Dennis. He is furious and tries to control himself. ]

Dennis: you son of a bitch. 

Mac(calmly): OK, this will never work…..He doesn't even know the Alphabet. 

10:00 AM

On A Monday

Philadelphia, PA

DENNIS and MAC walk up to Paddy’s Pub. There is a line of people waiting outside. They all have various types of birds in cages or perched on shoulders.

MAC:

Whoa, what is this?

DENNIS:

I don’t know, but it can’t be good for business with all the birds.

MAC:

Yeah, what’s up with the birds?

DENNIS (to a random woman in line):

Excuse me miss, what brought you to our establishment this morning?

RANDOM WOMAN:

This is the bird lawyer’s office.

MAC:

What? No, this is a bar, lady.

DENNIS:

See,(points to the sign above the door) Paddy’s Pub?

RANDOM WOMAN:

I called the bird lawyer and he gave me this address. So maybe you are the ones who are confused? (the parrot on her shoulder echoes, ‘Confused’, ‘Confused’)

DENNIS:

As God as my witness, do not sass me woman!

MAC:

Let me handle this. (addresses RANDOM WOMAN) Listen lady, I don’t want to get rough with your bird, but this is Paddy’s Pub…one of the finest Irish bars in Philadelphia. Not some fake bird lawyer’s office. They don’t exist. Now get outta of… (beat) Oh CHARLIE. He went and did it.

DENNIS:

Went and did what?

MAC grabs DENNIS’ arm and they go inside Paddy’s Pub. In Paddy’s there are more people waiting. All with birds.

DENNIS:

So many birds!

DEE is behind the bar. She’s running back and forth taking orders and making drinks.

DEE:

Hey DENNIS, can ya give me a hand here? These bird people won’t quit!

MAC:

Quiet DEE! The men are working! (to DENNIS) I didn’t think he’d do it, but he did. Son of a…

DENNIS:

What are you talking about?

MAC:

Bird Law! CHARLIE somehow made himself into a bird lawyer.

DENNIS:

For God’s sake! There is no such thing as bird law! We’ve been over that hundreds of times.

MAC:

Let me tell you what happened: CHARLIE and I were getting hammered behind his apartment a few days ago. He was rambling on and on about birds and about becoming a bird lawyer for the sake of the bird rights and whatever else. I chalked it up to the alcohol making his brain mush. Anyways, he puked and passed out…I never heard anything else about it.

DENNIS:

CHARLIE can’t read and his cheesy odor alone makes it impossible to be in a room with him for more than 5 minutes. There is no way in hell he can be a lawyer.

FRANK comes out of the office:

Which one of you jamokes are next?

A MAN raises his hand and walks up with an eagle on his shoulder.

MAN:

I’m next. I need to know the legality of keeping an American Bald Eagle for hunting purposes and companionship. Specifically, what rights do I have under the Bird Amendments?

FRANK:

Save it for the bird lawyer. Money, now.

DENNIS:

FRANK, are you feeding into this?

FRANK:

Hell yeah! I’m making a ton of money. (Whispers to DENNIS) These saps have no clue what’s going on. They give me a shitload of cash, CHARLIE just rambles on about birds for a few minutes, and they leave. It’s our best scam yet!

MAC:

How do they know about CHARLIE?

FRANK:

Remember that billboard I bought? (FRANK whips out his phone and shows a picture to DENNIS and MAC. The picture shows CHARLIE in a suit and tie with budgies on his shoulder. He has a serious lawyer face on. Underneath his picture are the words: CHARLES KELLY, BIRD LAW)

CHARLIE comes out of the office. He’s wearing the same suit in the picture. There’s bird shit all over the shoulders. He shakes the man’s hand.

CHARLIE:

Well, my good man, in the eyes of the law you have nothing to fear. Just make sure Spirit doesn’t build a nest in the house. That will get you taxed as bird domicile in situ. And we don’t need any more aggrieved taxes, right?

DENNIS:

What the hell.

CUT TO TITLE

Charlie Kelly: Bird Lawyer

[Cold open]

[Title: Paddy's Pub, Monday, 11:45am]

The gang is at the bar, having an argument. It gets heated. They begin shouting at each other.

The door swings open. Liam and Ryan burst in.

Liam exclaims, "We're back bitches!"

End scene

[Title: The McPoyles Strikes Back]

[Scene: Paddy's Pub]

Liam and Ryan begin the conversation.

Ryan, smirking, "I bet you want to know what we've been up to"

Mac, incredulous "We don't give a shit about you guys."

Liam, interrupts, yelling indignantly, "You still haven't replaced my eyeeee!!"

Mac "It wasn't our fault. It was a stupid bird!"

Charley "Calm down everyone. What has it been, like seven years?"

Dennis "Well, we just thought y'all died."

Ryan, wounded "You didn't think about us?"

Dennis "Of course not. Why should we concern ourselves with the likes of you and your family?"

Dee, scoffs, "A bunch of boners"

Mac "You're disgusting, drink milk and..."

Frank interrupts, "Y'all bang each other!"

Charley "Okay, Okay! Let's hear them out"

Ryan starts, "Let us take you back, to Thanksgiving 2013, where it all started"

[Scene ends, fades away into a flashback]

[Scene: inside Mac and Dennis's apartment. The gang has run away from the food fight.]

Cricket is writhing on the floor from his hatchet wound.

Pondy and RG (random guy/Zachary Knighton) are exchanging fistfuls of food with the McPoyle brothers.

Gail snatches Hwang's hand and they bolt out the door (presumably to bang somewhere else).

The gang rushes through, unnoticed and closes the door behind them. This is when Dennis seals it closed.

Cricket notices smoke billowing from under the bedroom door. He manages to pry the hatchet loose from his arm, wincing in pain. But now his arm is bleeding profusely. He clutches the wound.

He touches the door handle with a free hand, searing it. He yelps and then kicks the door open. The flames engulf him. Cricket is on fire, screaming and dashes through the apartment.

The scene is pure chaos. Pondy, RG and the McPoyles, not having food left to throw, have resorted to destroying all the furniture.

RG, exclaims, "They destroyed my car. I'll destroy their house!"

Pondy is doing more blow and having a great time.

The McPoyles see Cricket on fire. They raid the refrigerator and grab a jug of milk. They douse Cricket, then throw a blanket over him.

At this point, the fire has started to engulf most of the apartment. Everyone panics. All Hell breaks loose (a similar scene to the Fire Drill from The Office). Liam and Ryan try desperately to open the front door to no avail.

RG grabs the TV set and hucks it into the window, smashing it open. Him and Pondy break through onto the fire escape. The McPoyles help up a wounded Cricket as they limp toward the window. They all get onto the fire escape just in time.

[End scene/flashback]

[Scene: Paddy's Pub]

Mac, in awe "So, that's what happened."

Ryan, slams his hand on the bar "You left us to die!!"

Liam removes a pistol from his jacket. "We're holding you hostage until y'all apologize for ruining our lives!"

Dennis "This shit again?"

Frank, patting his trousers, looking for his gun, "Charley, what did you do with my pistol?"

Charley "I haven't seen that thing in awhile. I think you lost it?"

Liam, waving the gun in his hand, "Everyone quiet! I have the gun! I'm the one who gets to speak."

Dee, rolls her eyes "Just continue with your story."

Liam, sharing an approving glance, "Thank you"

Ryan "After we almost died, we took a hard look at our lives."

Liam "Time for some reflection and personal growth"

Ryan "We stuck around for awhile until we decided it was time to leave. Margaret left us and returned home.

Liam "After we lost the trial and sold the video store, we decided there was nothing left for us in Philly"

[End scene]

[Scene: fades into a flashback. On the street somewhere in Philly. Ryan and Liam have all their belongings piled in a donkey cart. Ryan is at the reins. He whips the donkey and they begin to move.]

Liam and Ryan, voiceover. Montage of the brothers on their cart during a journey across the United States

(Liam) "We set out to our ancestral lands. We followed their journey as they made their way West."

(Ryan) "It wasn't easy. We survived famine, disease, robbery..."

(Liam) "Sold our bodies a few times"

(Ryan) "Finally we reached our homeland after a difficult journey that took us years. We lost track of time "

[Scene: the brothers arrive, looking haggard and have grown long beards. They are at a ranch filled with trailer homes and cows. The clan of McPoyles all greet them and are ecstatic. Margaret greets them with open arms. We recognize others like Doyle and Keith.]

[End scene/flashback]

[Scene: Paddy's Pub]

Mac interrupts the memory/flashback, "What the fuck is happening!?"

Liam "You don't have the gun, so you don't get to talk!"

Dennis, head buried in hands, "Oh my God. Please hurry up. Get to the point!"

Ryan "We reunited with our kin and lived with them for sometime. It was a good life."

Liam "Right. Until we came to the decision it was time to return. The McPoyles needed to leave their mark on this world. We need to leave behind a legacy"

Dee "May I say something?"

Liam "What is it Deandra?"

Dee "Are you saying you had children?"

Liam "Not quite. But that is part of the plan"

Dee "Oh God..."

Ryan "In order for the McPoyle bloodline to thrive, we needed to expand outside our colony."

Liam moves toward the front door, opening it. "That's why we all packed up and came back to Philly!"

The gang follows and looks outside (a gong rings)

The entire McPoyle clan is present. Some are in RVs, jalopies, and a covered wagon. Cricket is seen in the frame drinking milk with a McPoyle.

Everyone is shocked. Dennis exclaims, "GODDAMNIT!"

Charley "This better not turn into a shantytown."

Liam and Ryan are beaming.

[End scene. Roll credits]

Parody of "Love Actually" based off a joke they made in their podcast

"GUNS ACTUALLY"

Wrote it when I was supposed to be working ;)

Hey guys, I deleted my old account on which I posted the submissions "Charlie's banging the waitress" and "Rickety Cricket, a comeback story", but I was going through my Google drive and found another submission that I wrote back in 2020 (before the Covid episode aired) but never posted, and felt compelled to share it with you guys. Your kind words on my last submissions meant the world, I really hope this one can bring a little joy into your lives!

2:45 P.M. On a Thursday

Open on the street outside of Paddy’s Pub. A large group of protesters carrying signs and wearing masks march and chant as we cut to the inside of the bar where Dennis, Dee, and Mac are all working to serve a full house of patrons.

MAC: Holy shit dude, we haven’t been this busy in months! I thought everybody was still in quarantine!

DENNIS: I know, I know. Apparently another person died in police custody last night and these people are all out protesting.

MAC: I can’t believe this shit keeps happening. You know, these cops really need to be trained in martial arts. If I were a cop, I wouldn’t even need to carry a gun because I could jus--

Dee carrying a tray of glasses and bottles quickly approaches the bar, slamming the tray down. Dennis glares at Mac in disgust while polishing a glass.

DEE: Nope. I can’t listen to this shit today, Mac, I’m sorry but I just can’t. We’re in the middle of a pandemic and here we are, packed in this bar like god damn sardines with the unwashed masses. I mean half of these people aren’t even wearing masks, you guys, and where the hell is Charlie?

MAC: Oh, Frank has been watching a bunch of videos online of business owners being assaulted by rioters, so he and Charlie are in the basement fixing up the bunker.

DENNIS: Which really is just god damn ridiculous; this is a peaceful gathering to demonstrate solidarity in the face of egregious police brutality, nobody is going to start looting and rioting.

LIAM: Well let’s not get too hasty.

The camera turns away from the bar to reveal Liam, Margaret, and Ryan McPoyle, who pull their face masks down in unison. A gong chimes.

DEE: Oh dear God.

MAC: Ugh, McPoyles? Since when do you care about police injustice?

LIAM: Oh, I don’t know, maybe since THOSE PIGS KILLED OUR COUSIN DEVIN!

RYAN (falling to his knees): DEVIIIN!

DENNIS: Wait wait wait, you’re saying that it was your cousin who was killed, and that’s what sparked this protest?

LIAM: That’s right. McPoyles from across the land have gathered to repay this injustice in kind.

DEE: Did ya have to gather here?

In the background, Charlie emerges from the basement, wild-eyed and face covered with some viscous chemical. He hurriedly walks behind the bar and grabs a case of beer. As he turns to leave the way he came, the camera zooms in on monobrows of various bar patrons and the glasses of milk they’re holding. Charlie realizes that the bar is full of McPoyles. Pan back and forth between Charlie’s increasingly distressed stare, and various members of the McPoyle tribe as they attach knives to umbrellas, prepare molotov cocktails, and fill camelbacks with milk.

RYAN: We came here as a show of good faith, and in return for your hospitality we will offer you our protection in the days to come.

DENNIS: What the hell are you talking about?

LIAM: We’re gonna occupy the police station, bitches. McPOYLES WILL BE THE LAW OF THE LAND ONCE AGAIN!

Charlie, now visibly shaken, begins to back away, stops, grabs a couple bottles of liquor off a shelf behind him, then continues to the basement and closes the door behind him. Dennis, Dee, and Mac are all too focused on the McPoyles to notice Charlie coming and going.

MAC: Jesus Christ, “occupy the police station”? The police aren’t going to let you maniacs anywhere near the police station! I can’t believe I was almost on board with this protest!

DENNIS: As sure as I am that I’ll regret asking this, why exactly did the police gun down your cousin, again?

LIAM: Oh, they didn’t. They arrested him for driving on a suspended license and the heightened stress caused a stroke, high blood pressure runs in the McPoyle bloodline.

DEE: A stroke!? People in this country are actually being murdered by the police, and you’ve got half of Philly ready to go burn down the police station because your cousin had a god damn stroke!?

A moment passes of the McPoyles exchanging confused looks with the gang.

LIAM: ...was that unclear?

MAC (now pointing to the door): Get the hell out of here.

DENNIS: Yeah, look… sorry about your cousin, but you guys really need to take this shit elsewhere--

As the gang and the McPoyles begin to argue, Frank’s muffled voice can be heard getting louder from the basement.

FRANK: ...I know, don’t worry Charlie, we’ve prepared for this!

Frank kicks open the door to the basement, and a slow pan upwards from his feet reveals him wearing a MAGA hat, kevlar vest, and a grimace while holding an AR-15, which he uses to fire a couple of rounds into the ceiling as he chases patrons out of the bar. Dennis, Dee, and Mac all take cover behind the bar.

FRANK: YOU COMMIE BASTARDS TRY TO MESS WITH PADDY’S AGAIN, AND I’M GONNA BLAST YOUR GOD DAMN FACES OFF! I’M STANDING MY GROUND!

The door closes behind Frank as he chases the last of the patrons from the bar and his muffled shouts begin to fade. Charlie peeks out from the basement door revealing enough of his face for us to see that he is huffing some kind of chemical, then slowly closes the door. Dennis, Dee, and Mac poke their heads up from behind the bar, hit with the sobering reality:

McPoyle Lives Matter

During an argument Mac and Charlie fall out with Dennis and Dee prompting them to walk out and start there own bar, directly in the basement of paddy's, meanwhile frank tries to mediate but ends up making things worse.