I started seeing a guy we were both single and trans. Last night he told me before we start dating he's poly. My last relationship ended when we opened it up, but last time I did it out of desperation to save a failing relationship. I really like this guy and I'm very comfortable with him being up front about it. Any advice I really want to make this work but I've never started a relationship with polyamory.

Hi Everyone! Our very last PC in NYC will be on Mon, December 9 from 7p-12a. We’re on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. 21+, free. Private.

To RSVP, please send your name, vaxx card (buffed out identifying info ok) to polychrissy@gmail.com and take a rapid antigen test at home before arrival. We will confirm!

Our next event won’t be til February, so join us!

———

For those who have never been, we’re an almost 18-year-old monthly social of over a hundred attendees who are between the ages of 21 and 87 with the majority in their mid-20s-mid 50s. We’re nerdy mutual aid enthusiasts who meet in a non-cruising space in community and solidarity.

There’s a cash bar for reasonably priced boozy and non boozy drinks, and people often bring snacks to share.

Met a fella, he’s sweet, haven’t dated a dude in a minute so naturally I’m excited.

He’s monogamous and in his hoe-era.

I said, “hey we’re already doing all the partner stuff, you wanna be partners? I know you’re not poly but till you find someone you wanna date exclusively why don’t we just partner up, maximize the support and comfort, and when it’s time to step back, we can still be two people who love dungeons and dragons and music?”

Was this a bad move? I feel pretty okay about it. I definitely love him, and I’m excited to see him find his forever home if that’s what he wants, but for now I think this could be really fun and safe for both of us.

Hi all, my wife and I (30-40sF) started dating another 30sF married lesbian couple a few months ago. What started as (really good) sex turned into feelings and we’ve been exchanging “I love you"s. They really feel like our people and I want this to last, so I'm reaching out to see if anyone here has experience with quad relationships and how you've maintained healthy relationships in this context, particularly with some hierarchy involved (marriages do take priority, but non-marriage relationships have some autonomy). 

For more context: My wife and I have been ENM with poly vibes for 3.5 years (started out with threesomes then evolved into dating separately, with feelings involved for several women). The other couple is very recently poly (we are their first ENM experience that has evolved into something more substantial), which I know is a concern--but people have worked through some initial jealousy/insecurity and it feels like we are in a healthy place where open communication can happen. We were initially only hanging out as a group, but now we also hang out separately. Though connections feel different with each person, everyone is into everyone. We have regular check-ins about how everyone is feeling and how to address concerns

Open to any advice from people with group relationship experience on communication/maintenance strategies

… and I don’t know why. But it’s making me feel ugly and just really terrible about myself. Unless I’m just dumb and don’t notice when people are flirting with me.

I’m in a city with lots of polyam queer people and it seems like no one flirts with me except the occasional obv creep. For context I’m nonbinary, present androgynous-femme, I was AFAB and a lot of my nonbinary friends are the same. But I’m on T and they’re not so maybe that’s part of it. Tho I know some trans men and people seem interested in them. So I don’t think that’s it. Most of us are pan and they’re pursued by people of all genders so I don’t think that’s it either.

I’ve tried apps and I had bad experiences with them so I’m taking a break. I’m not comfortable initially pursing other people I prefer to be more passive at first. I’m strictly T4T or NB4NB. I have reasons. Please don’t tell me I need to “make the first move” or be more open to cis people. Thank you.

I feel silly for being upset about this but as much as I love my non-sexual / non-romantic relationships it would be nice to have partners or even FWB too.

IDK I’m having a bad night delete later.

Hi! As always, it’s free, COVID-19 vaccinated only, 21+ with ID, and we ask you to take a rapid antigen test at home before arrival.

For those who have never been, we’re a 17-year-old monthly social of over a hundred attendees who are between the ages of 21 and 87 with the majority in their mid-20s-mid 50s. We’re nerdy mutual aid enthusiasts who meet in a non-cruising space in community and solidarity.

There’s a cash bar for reasonably priced boozy and non boozy drinks, and people often bring snacks to share.

Have a beautiful weekend <3

Warmly, Chrissy

I am sharing out there this post that I wrote because the ethics of ethically non-monogamous polyamory are pretty much the same basic guidelines that are useful to sustain healthy social connections in general.

The defining difference between closed relationships and open relationships is actually qualitatively, as in HOW we approach our interactions with our social connections, instead of quantitatively, as in NOT IN NUMBER of simultaneous connections, because no one stops being connected to a diverse network of simultaneous connections just for being in a totally closed committed intimate relationship, whether monoamorous or polyamorous.

The difference between consensual non-monogamy and ethical non-monogamy is exactly the same difference between the words "must" and "should", in the sense that all connections should always be ethical, but must always be consensual in order to avoid legal trouble.

Informed and genuine consensual non-monogamy is defined as the valid, reasonable, required and bare minimum limit for sustaining healthy connections that separates love from violations.

Gender variant, gay, polyamorous, aromantic, and asexual people can be united together as worthy of the constant free love fights for basic rights because they are socioculturally discriminated CONSENSUAL love minorities in ways more similar than what you may think.

Ethical non-monogamy is defined as a valuable ideal for sustaining healthy social connections of diverse types that is a goal worth pursuing.

Ethical non-monogamy is often further defined in explanations as HONEST non-monogamy, NEGOTIATED non-monogamy, FAIR non-monogamy, EQUITABLE non-monogamy, SUPPORTIVE non-monogamy, RESPECTFUL non-monogamy, ACCOUNTABLE non-monogamy, RESPONSIBLE non-monogamy, COMMITTED non-monogamy, and as CONSENSUAL non-monogamy.

Where and how are drawn the lines that delineate the definition of things are pretty blurry, because they are relative, as in socioculturally constructed, in another words, made up by humans, varying at different points of space and time, depending, at a smaller scale, on an individual to individual basis, and, at a larger scale, on a culture to culture basis.

That means that the definitions of things are not set in stone definitely defined by the universe, but does not necessarily mean that relativity is an insurmountable ethical obstacle without any way around that permanently stops any rather ecofeminist negotiation of reasonable sustainable agreements for collectively better healthy social lives.

What matters more is how each of all of us specifically define each word, because you could set up someone, including yourself, for a misunderstanding, disappointment and unfulfillment if someone can not read minds and you do not use words precisely to ask for what you need and want specifically with straightforward honest communication when negotiating informed consent to anything.

Feel free to contribute to the comments section below a list of "green flag" keywords to describe how is defined what ethical connections in general mean specifically to each of you once you figure that out in order to avoid misunderstandings, disappointment and unfulfillment, because you may find yourself surprised at the existence of as many different perspectives as different individuals exist.

I also highly recommend sitting down to further define what words, like "honesty", "negotiation", "fairness", "equity", "support", "respect", "accountability", "responsibility", "commitment", "consent", among others, mean specifically to each of you before giving to anything consent that really is informed.

TL;DR: We should contextualize and recontextualize specifically what each of all of us means by ethical and other words, including even words that have apparently obvious meanings, especially before giving to anything consent that really is informed, even if is permanently impossible to generalize ethical non-monogamy ethics into one general universal standard.

I really hope that sharing this helps at least someone out there.

I am sharing as a Public Service Announcement this post that I wrote because there should be more education out there about what are the limits of the validity of the negotiation of consent in and out of committed intimate relationships that are totally closed.

Love in any type of connection does not hurt anyone, does not matter at all whether the connection is open or closed, monoamorous or polyamorous, sexual or emotional, romantic or platonic, hetero or gay, cis or trans, hierarchical or anarchist.

What really does hurt is loving the wrong INDIVIDUALS, while there are interested individuals better compatible for any and every sort of thing out there in the world, including any and every sort of rare and complex need, want and desire that someone can value.

FAIRNESS IS EQUITY instead of equality, but love without informed AND genuine consent is a violation instead of love.

Gender variant, gay, polyamorous, aromantic, and asexual people can be united together as worthy of the constant free love fights for basic rights because they are socioculturally discriminated CONSENSUAL love minorities in ways more similar than what you may think.

You should not forget that you should always have the valid freedom of expression right to request as many answers to all sorts of questions that may appear invasive to as many indviduals you may feel is necessary for you to feel secure enough in order for you to give to anything consent that really is informed, as long as you make an effort to be respectful, but no one is necessarily obligated to reply to any of your questions.

Many people are not aware that only a first clear "yes" with enthusiasm is the only genuine consent to anything, and, therefore, is the only one that is not questionable enough to get anyone in legal trouble.

If you are about to go try something that you are not with enthusiasm to try, you are very likely not going to enjoy what you are about to experiment, even if you have an open mind to new experiences.

You should also not forget that consent to anything is not really genuine if results from constant begging, peer pressuring, outcasting, withdrawing, guilt tripping, shaming, blackmailing, threatening or any other type of manipulation not listed, and, therefore, is sexual coercion, also known as sexual abuse.

No consent should be unlimited to anything, because consent can not possibly be given genuinely to anything if you are obligated to keep consenting anyhow, so everyone should always have the valid right to freely stop consenting to anything at any moment, in the sense that consent is constantly being given at every new moment each of all of us shares an experience together with someone.

Only when is granted the freedom to be spending time anyhow anywhere else with anyone else at any time can anyone consent to love someone genuinely instead of out of obligation due to commitment to restrictive and limiting promises.

I really hope that sharing this helps at least someone out there.

Hello Everyone! Dropping by to let you all know that we’re on for October’s NYC Poly Cocktails.

As always, it’s free, COVID-19 vaccinated only, 21+ with ID, and we ask you to take a rapid antigen test at home before arrival.

For those who have never been, we’re a 17-year-old monthly social of over a hundred attendees who are between the ages of 21 and 87 with the majority in their mid-20s-mid 50s. We’re nerdy mutual aid enthusiasts who meet in a non-cruising space in community and solidarity.

It’s a free event with a cash bar if drinks are your jam (though many don’t drink alcohol and some eat together beforehand), and a rooftop full of warm and dorky community. Open sky if the weather obliges.

You can email me at polychrissy@gmail.com for an email invite, or share an email with me in DM that works for you.

Reach out with any questions and have a beautiful week!

Warmly, Chrissy

why do i have to specify that im not "unethical" just because im not monogamous?

i would like mono people to start specifying if they practice "ethical" monogamy or not.

EDIT SINCE NO ONE SEEMS TO READ THE FLAIR AND/OR UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYING IN COMMENTS:

ok so my point is there is nothing inherently more unethical with non monogamy as opposed to monogamy. i know why the term exists, what it means and why people use it. my ONLY point is that the term by itself makes it very obvious that the general idea is that non monogamy IS inherently more unethical, something i HOPE everyone in this sub realize is not true.

you dont have to educate me on the fact that there are non monogamous people who are abusive and toxic and cheaters and try to get away with it by using a poly framework. i know. all im saying is that it is not solely because they are non monogamous. which should be obvious to anyone who has experienced or witnessed a toxic monogamous relationship.

Hi, I am seeking advice on a situation I am in. Thank you in advance.

I have a good friend of mine who used to date this woman. I became friends with this woman through my friend as there were times we would all hang out together in the summer of 20xx.

My mother passed that summer and then everything sorta fell off in my life. I didn’t see her for two years. I also didn’t see my friend for close to a year. My friend I re-connected a few months ago. What prompted it strengthened our relationship. A few weeks later, they invited me to a discussion they were co hosting at their University program. I was able to go. There I chatted a bit with my friend’s ex-girlfriend. My friend told me briefly when we had re-connected they had broken up. I didn’t know much more than that though at the time.

While we were chatting she suggested hanging out. I ignored the first ask, then she asked me again and I sort of looked uncomfortable then said something ambiguous like “ I won’t be around”. I then wished her the best and left. It was awkward and I could tell maybe hurt her feelings. This occurred because I was thrown off by her q. I didn’t really know the situation with her and my friend and I wanted to just check in with my friend to see how they felt. I am a bit socially awkward and felt like I just made it weird for no reason. I went back to my friend and shared my experience. They told me it was totally okay if myself and their ex got together as friends and thanks for telling her.

I then sent a short but complete message to my friend/my friend’s ex and told her why I was awkward that evening and seemed to rejecting wanting to hang.

In all honestly I have always had a fondness for my friends ex. She is very kind and we got along well. She came to my mom’s funeral and she honestly means something to me. I would love to catch up with her and see how she is. And in full truth I think we both have a slight attraction to each other.Pretty sure my friend knew (friends know) but I never did anything and kept my distance. Were in a poly community so its not as odd to have a crush on others partners but i still kept my respect.

I told her I had just reconnected with my friend and that I was just caught off guard/unable to respond without checking in on them. I feel as if I made the right choice after asking around but I def made the situation awkward. I haven’t heard from her yet. Its been a little over three weeks. Not sure what she could be moving though and I know shes got stuff going on with life out of this. I have just been doing my thing and giving her some space.

I wonder, how I should reach out and when? I really want to see her and build a friendship. Or should I let her come to me and don’t message cause it could be pushing her? It could also be my anxiety being impatient cause i feel bad i basically rejected her 😭

Thank you

Is manipulative coercive control when any social circle shames you for being controlling because you feel insecure with fear and anxiety in order to make you drop the healthy personal boundary limits that you settled only around what can be done with your body, energy, time and money for you to consent to something.

That type of coercive control by pressure happens very often among progressive social circles that go as far as demonizing anyone who has any preference at all.

Is okay to have preferences, even rare complex preferences, even if you are a panamorous bi-poly-switch, because no one should be obligated to love everyone exactly the same, we all just must respect everyone alongside the differences that make us the unique individuals that each of all of us is in special.

Someone should always have the valid right to control what are the limits around what can be done with their own body, energy, time and money in order to be secure because that same someone feels insecure with fears and anxiety.

I am open to a large diversity of adult body, personality and connection types, but I still do have preferences, including for bare minimum reasonable personal boundary limits to protect both myself and also who I care about that are listed as follows:

I prefer to get invested into relationships with adults with similar partner selection preferences that are compatible with me.

I prefer to give and receive back respect and collaboration as companionship and partnership.

I prefer to be like friends first before and also after anything else.

I prefer to not play therapist for anyone held from living under the control of depression, anxiety, fears or jealousy.

I prefer to not date anyone who desires to date more than three simultaneous intimate connections.

I prefer to not date anyone who desires to date anyone who desires casual intimate connections.

I prefer to always use protective barriers for all types of physical intimacy with anyone since trust is not reliable for security because everyone is as unpredictable as the future is uncertain.

I prefer to maintain financial independence also since trust is not reliable for security because everyone is as unpredictable as the future is uncertain.

Do not burn yourself to make anyone comfortable.

I’ve cycled between dating apps for a few years and my experience on all of them has been very bad. Not just bc of ghosting, getting stood up, chasers (I’m trans, nonbinary).

At least 9/10 times folx in my DMs trauma dump on me, complain and put themselves down as if to pressure me into complimenting them, or they’re other bottoms who want me to top them, people outside my clearly stated age limits who want me to make an exception (for context I’m in my early 30s my age limit is 25-45) or worse… stalkers, serial abusers (people banned from multiple IRL spaces that everyone warns each other about) or MAP-identified people. Plural. I wish I was joking about that last one.

I recently paused / hid / logged out of all my apps bc I got scared. I know it’s tough out there and people are weird but jfc. I live near a large city with lots of queer and polyam folx. I’m decent enough looking, I take care of myself, my bio and photos are fine, I’ve gotten second opinions too. I have no problems with non-romantic, non-sexual connections. I’ve made some good friends. But I’ve only gone on dates with 3 people and 2 led to a ONS in the past 2 years. Bc they were safe people.

I haven’t met anyone else who’s had so many bad experiences and so few good ones. I’m not pursuing these toxic people or inviting this behavior either afaik. It’s like I’m magnet for the worst humans on these apps. There must be a logical explanation for this right? I feel like I’ve tried everything to change this.

Advice and support both appreciated.

Stability from reliability as a protection against fears, anxiety, jealousy and other insecurities is very often listed as the main beneficial reason why someone should be in a committed intimate relationship that is sexually and emotionally closed, whether monoamorous or polyamorous, as in involving just two or involving more persons.

The hard to swallow truth is that you can not and should not rely on anyone, both in and out of a closed committed intimate relationship, even if you love someone a lot, because whoever appears to be trustworthy may actually be manipulating you by pretending to be different to hide "red flag" signs just to be able to exploit you somehow, furthermore, everyone is as unpredictable as much as the future of existence is unpredictably uncertain.

That is why we can not tell definitely for certain how anyone will turn out to be in the future, including ourselves, alongside beliefs, values, priorities, limits, boundaries, needs, wants, desires and feelings, nor can you tell definitely for certain if they would ever change even.

This post is just a reminder of reasons worth sharing for why you should not give up your academic and professional career nor sacrifice your financial independence for anyone else, even if someone else keeps begging you, because you cannot rely on the kindness nor on the words of other people who already have been kind to you.

TL;DR: Security, stability, reliability and trust in closed committed intimate relationships are illusory, because even anyone who you love a lot can do you wrong and let you down at any time, as we can not tell definitely for certain how anyone and their beliefs, values, priorities, limits, boundaries, needs, wants, desires and feelings will or will not change, because everyone is as unpredictable as the future of existence is unpredictably uncertain, so you should value building your own independence more than anything else.

I really hope that sharing this helps at least someone out there.

I left a relationship. I didn’t want to. It was messy. Addiction was the reason I left. Idk if they’re an addict, I’m not sure, all I know was alcohol abuse is a boundary for me, my ex’s relationship with alcohol was one of abuse, they promised me they would stop, and they didn’t. So I left.

I’m wracked with grief, guilt, shame, and anxiety. I’m worried they’re spiraling, I feel like a traitor for leaving. I’m probably gonna have to move, because we had been cohabitating. I miss my friend and I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see them again and I wish I could help them because I know they’re in pain.

I have a girlfriend, I don’t want this breakup to spill into her life, I don’t want to tell other people’s stories. But she cares for me, and she sees me coming apart, and I’m afraid of what I might disclose about the other relationship. I don’t think it’s anyone’s business but mine and my ex’s and I feel it’s wrong to talk about it with my other partners.

I need some coping strategies. I need some advice. I’m headed into therapy and I’m hoping that gives me some tools. I feel like I just lost one of my closest friends, maybe forever, and I’m worried I’m not in a place to be a good partner to anyone else I’m dating while I grieve for what used to be.

I’m usually so good at compartmentalization and working through things in my head, but I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I want to run back there and beg for us to try again even though I know my boundaries are just gonna be trampled.

I got nothing else. Idk if anyone’s got advice I can hear right now but I’m asking anyway.