I hope you are doing well during these difficult times. In light of the current COVID-19 pandemic, we are interested to hear about your transition to online therapy. We are a collaborative team of psychotherapists and researchers from New York Psychoanalytic Institute (NYPSI) and Yeshiva University, New York, USA.

We would really appreciate it if you could fill out this 15-minute survey. All responses are anonymous, and this study has been approved by the Western Institutional Review Board.

https://yeshiva.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3xjcY3tuCU7ynvD

Thank you and keep safe!

Im 11 days pp, around day 3 of being home I start crying uncontrollably. I cried for my old life. I cried out of guilt for my kids that I couldn’t give them the attention I once did before the new baby. I cried because I was exhausted and realized that it would be years before I could enjoy a rainy day just cuddled up in bed and watch a movie. Or take an afternoon nap because needed it. I mourned my old life and my health. I cries because my daughter was perfect and because of the great supportive husband I have!

On like day 6 pp I was hospitalized for pp preeclampsia. That scared me and aggravated my anxiety. I don’t wanna stroke out and die and leave my children.

Well yesterday and today I havent felt the strong urge to cry, I can finally eat and drink normal and have rested at least 5 hours each night. I just have horrible anxiety when i first wake up and when its time to take the bp meds because of the way they make me feel. I like to be around people and still can laugh at certain things and enjoy the silly things my boys do at times.

Im wondering if it’s possible to have postpartum depression and not feel sad everyday all day with a sense of doom and hopelessness. Or if The way I have been feeling is more like the baby blues and have chance of soon feeling better! Any input is great!

Hi all, I am 5 weeks pp and really struggling. I love my LO, but I literally am at my ropes end dealing with this. Came here to vent, as hopefully judgment will not be passed. I've vented to my partner and while he tries to help and understand, he's not a mother struggling with mental illness. I was diagnosed bipolar type 2 at 16 (now 31.) Had taken meds but found after time i could manage with diet, exercise, meditation. Not the case being post partum. My babe is very vocal and very cranky. The lack of sleep and "me" time has taken a toll.

The road has been rocky from week 2 baby came home. He was losing weight (I was solely breastfeeding. Which made the PPD worse so now we are on formula) so we had 5 consecutive drs appts for weight checks. This was overwhelming.
He was born breech so we had another appt for an ultrasound on his hips to make sure there was no hip dysplasia. The ultrasound returned normal, but I was overwhelmed. Today we have an ultrasound scheduled because he may have a hernia, which would require surgery to correct. I am so scared and again, overwhelmed. Thursday we have a 3hr appt with an audiologist to make sure he has hearing in his left ear. I am not looking forward to this and so OVERWHELMED. All the while I thought it was a good idea to knock out some summer classes. Big mistake. One was cancelled and only taking 3 credit hours, I would not receive financial aid to pay for the remaining class. I was notified of this and decided to withdraw, as I am on maternity leave and of course money is tight. I was told I will not receive a refund for the course. So im already behind in the class because I was hoping to withdraw, and now I'll have to pay for it anyway.

After this i was totally over the edge. I called my psychologist (which i just started seeing the week previous) and told her i would like to start zoloft. She said call my OB they will write a script. I was told the dr would like to see me as she never had written me a script before. The next available appt was 5 days away. I made the appointment then fucking lost it. In threw my phone as hard as I could. Screaming in frustration. I would never hurt my child but I needed to break something. The screen was cracked and the phone wasn't usable so I continued to rage on it for 15 minutes. Throwing and smashing it on the dining room table.
I am so frustrated with all of the bullshit. If I were suicidal, I'd be dead. I kept thinking about ramming a knife through my forearm so I could get some fucking psychiatric care. I refrained, as that would be more medical bills and the other ramifications i just wouldn't be able to deal with then probably would end up dead.
I'm trying so hard to keep it together, for my baby. But it has been so damn hard. My appt to hopefully get meds is tomorrow. I am hoping to find relief and shed this awful mindset.
But fucking uhg. It's been awful.

My children (2yo Boy. 3yo girl) won't listen to me even if I would scream, doesn't make a difference. My dog doesn't listen to me even when I yell at him. My SO dismiss me all the time, doesn't care about what I think or feel. He just wanna be right all the time. I'm so tired. I'm PPD since my youngest was 6 months old. I've been insulted, disrespected and laughed at by my SO since 1 and a half year.

I tried to commit suicide but since I have just been guilted and shamed. The support just come if I don't say anything and cry.

I don't know why I post this. Just maybe someone would listen to me.

Ive been feeling like my vision vibrates a bit and i noticed it is specially when i am Highly stressed flr example when mu daughter wont stop crying, i look away at this blanket and it looked like vibrations were going across it almost as if there was some energy on it. Anyone experienced something similar?

So I feel like I'm messing up my husbands chance of keeping his job he might get fired today he started this job over 3 months ago his boss knew I was pregnant and so close to being due he got laid off because of how the virus affected certain workplaces he said it was only going to be for a week he was a select few who got laid off then he extended it to two weeks and after that week I ended up going into labor before I was due 5 weeks to be exact well he ended up getting upset because we're in the hospital longer than I was expected I had an emergency C-section. He kept telling him to leave me in the hospital with my baby and to go to work and then go back to the hospital after his shift which with everything going on with the virus at the time he couldn't go out and come back in they weren't allowing it. well he's stressed me out at that time because he was stressing my husband out and I had just recently had a baby after that it was just very hard to get back on a normal schedule then my postpartum depression came on I was having suicidal thoughts and he was missing work as well and then on top of that with my appointments, babies appointments, feeling helpless because I couldn't do anything myself and not driving didn't help (fingers crossed I get my permit) at least this year. Well today we had an emergency doctor's visit for baby which was scheduled for next week on Tuesday since that's when he's jobs not slammed with projects he left for three hours he took one hour from his lunch so he technically took 2 hours off of work and I was worried telling him I'm scared you're going to lose your job and literally when he gets home to drop me off he ends up getting a message saying that it's not working out and he's been gone for three hours . I even got a dr notes for him since my anxiety was so bad about him getting fired now I feel like it's my fault that we're not going to have money for baby since I'm still recovering since my nerve pain is Severe Regardless if I had babysitters I'm scared of covid plus no family to babysit him that he's not going to find a job he loves like this job he's always had factory jobs and this isn't a factory job if he looses this job it's my fault because I don't know how to drive I really just want to curl up in a ball and cry

Doctors and medical staff always tell women to be aware the first few weeks after baby is born for signs of postpartum depression, and my midwife talked to me about it at my 6 week postpartum check up. But at 6 weeks, I was fine! I felt great, albeit tired, but I felt good and healthy and normal.

My daughter is now 6 months old, and I've realized recently that I am depressed. It took me awhile to have this revelation, but I've been feeling this way about 2 months now. I feel constantly tired, terrible mood swings, no sex drive, random bouts of crying, and zero motivation to do anything (in a nutshell).

Since the beginning of this year, I've had a shit-ton of bricks dropped on me: my mom died, this pandemic caused me to lose my job, we moved in with my dad, my bank account got hacked, our basement flooded.

So, I guess I'm just curious if this could be considered post partum depression, or something more? I know I should see someone, just the idea of trying to find a counselor gives me anxiety! I do have an annual exam with my OB next week, I may mention it.

Hi, I’m looking to get advice if that’s possible. I’m 20 years old and about 5weeks post partum my bf and I decided we weren’t mentally or financially ready for a child so we put him in open adoption. I know I’m my heart that this was the right decision because he can now have a life that I couldn’t give him. But I find myself looking in the mirror everyday hating my body and my decisions. I feel like my bf isn’t attracted to me anymore even tho he tells me everyday he is. I see other women and immediately am reminded of the damage my body has taken and the size of my stomach and hips. I can’t look at myself naked anymore and I refuse to change I front of my bf unless the lights are off. I cry over the smallest things and I can’t even sit at work without crying. I’m loosing my mind and I’m having constant thoughts of how much better off everyone would be if it weren’t for me being here. I need help but I can’t find a psychiatrist that will take my insurance near me. Any advice would be great thank you.

Hey everyone.....

I can't ever seem to wake up....I'm ALWAYS tired.... and not normal tired....I'm exhausted to the point of hating everything.

My 7 month old baby boy nurses constantly throughout the night and he needs constant attention during the day....along with my 2.5 year old. Being tired constantly makes me sad....so I'm constantly sad too.

I also HATE myself. I used to have a really bad eating disorder and I haven't lost all of my baby weight. I tried doing keto and it lasted for a few months but I didnt lose anything. I ended up not being able to put my full heart into it because I'm scared of losing my milk supply. I'm also always starving. So, no more keto until he is weaned. It's my first day off of it and I can literally feel my body trying to burst out of my clothes.

So yeah, I hate my body for not being smaller and i hate everything else because i can't stay awake to accomplish anything. I'm too tired to shower, to do homework, to do anything. My husband takes both kids on his days off so that I can take long naps but i get sad when I have to wake up.

It's not fair to them. I hope these things pass soon

I don’t feel as if I deserve my kids. I have a 3 year old and a 3 month. I hate myself and I feel bad for them that I am their mom. This depressive state really started when I got in an argument with my in laws that now I’m blaming myself for. No one cares about me. I feel like I’m screaming for help and no one hears me. I am seeing a therapist and on medication. It’s not helping.

I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I'm pretty sure I have PPD and anxiety. I already have a GAD and struggled with cycles of more depressive tendencies. I'm a FTM, my daughter is 2 months old and I love her so much. I think she is perfect and I never want anything bad to happen to her. But my whole journey of pregnancy and caring for a newborn has been such a struggle. I was pretty much anxious and depressed most of my pregnancy dealing with the hormones and body changes and exhaustion. I was always worried I was doing something wrong, such as not eating well enough or exercising or sleeping, I had such bad insomnia. This mindset continued well after giving birth. I feel like I haven't slept in 11 months! Everyone tells me just rest/sleep when the baby sleeps but I can't seem to do that. She's a velcro baby and usually just falls asleep being nursed or held and I can't fall asleep when holding her, it's not safe and I'm way too anxious. I can't often sleep well when we do finally get her in her bassinet because I'm afraid she will stop breathing. The sleep deprivation makes me sad and resentful. I'm so jealous of my friends who don't have children (which is all of them), or if I hear about parents who have children that are easy and sleep for like 11 hours. I feel like a failure whenever she cries and I feel like I don't know what to do with her sometimes. I go from holding her constantly or watching her sleep, checking her all the time if she's too warm or too cold or nursing her because I feel like it's all I have to offer. Or some other times, I feel so done and just want my old life and freedoms back. I want time to myself and to just feel like I have control and agency in my life again. I cry every day. Because of this pandemic craziness, I feel such lack of a support network and the isolation is killing me. Especially now that my husband is back to work. I get anxious or sad when left alone with her for another day and just go through the motions until he comes back home. I feel and fear I'm not good at being a mom. I feel my relationship with my husband is basically non-existent since we just tag team taking care of the baby and just surviving. I feel like disappearing some days. My husband and my parents are super happy to have a baby and it's what they always wanted, but I'm still so unsure. But it happened and I feel stuck and super guilty for even thinking about feeling so trapped like I do. I know I don't feel like my normal self and I know I need help. I've reached out for help and it's all complicated now because of the continued quarantine and stuff. I'm just waiting now... and since I don't want to bother anyone with my feelings, I'm dumping them here. I'm sick of feeling this way and want to have a sense of self again...

Hi everyone, I am conducting some research about new moms and PPD/PPA.

I have a short survey (should be less than 7min) that I would love if you could fill out and maybe even share for me. Myself and a group of wonderful women are trying to see what we can do for new moms. If we find trends that lead to ideas for change, we will need research to present to hospitals and organizations.

I would appreciate any assistance. We're just out here trying to empower new moms! https://forms.gle/ArfDu57ShwqL3UMG7

Hi all. I’m 2 months pp and hoping to hear from others. it went well for about a month and then I crashed HARD. I’ve had anxiety and depression issues intermittently throughout life. I lost my milk supply due to anxiety which ended up making it worse with a rush of hormones and guilt that I wasn’t giving my daughter the best. I ended up in in-patient for a few nights as I thought I couldn’t do it anymore.

Since then I’ve started on Citalopram and Trazedone for sleep. I believe the SSRI started to help a little bit but I feel like I can’t wait one more day to feel normal again.

I love my daughter but every day is so hard. Getting out of bed is hard. Getting clothes on is hard. Washing bottles is hard.

One of the worst things? I can’t sleep. As soon as I lay down I get a rush of adrenaline and heart palpitations. It makes taking care of my daughter even harder on a few hours of sleep a night. A couple nights I didn’t sleep one minute which required me to lean on my parents to take care of my daughter as I laid there like a zombie.

Has anyone been here and have success stories? I keep thinking there’s so many women that do it why can’t I? why am I struggling so much? Will I ever sleep normal again? I’m so desperate.

I appreciate all your feedback and responses!

I've been seeing a therapist for almost a year now, and despite this I still just hate being a mom. I dream about running away and never looking back but with covid there is no where to go.

I think the therepy isn't working because there is nothing mentally wrong with me, I just never wanted to be a mom and now I am one of know it was right.

I wish I'd never returned home from studying overseas, never got married and never had a baby. Now I don't have anyway out and I'm tired of having the same conversation with my therepist again and again.

Idk where to go or who to talk too.

My fiance of 1 year makes me feel like leaving him sometimes. We have a 6 month old baby girl. Sometimes I feel like he doesnt take priority in us. He's 24 and Im 23.. He drives us around because I don't have my licenses yet. The reason I don't is because I've been in 1 car accident 3 years ago and many many many almost car hit accidents. But will tell the story another day.

Today I worked from 10 am to 6 pm. He knew I got off at 6. I even reminded him more than once. I told him to cook before I come home and we were texting each other at 530 pm and somehow his dumbass fell asleep. I always tell him to get him and my daughter ready 30 mins before I get off work. I live 10 mins away from my workplace. By the time I got off work, i did not see him. I thought maybe he was just running a bit late. I called and it turns out he fell asleep, I was soo furious. 20 mins later and he finally came to pick me up. I yelled at him and he had the audacity to get mad at me. This isn't the first time this had happened, or the second, or the third.

We just moved into our new place and got wifi setup. He's been up playing league of legend until 3 or 4 am. Its his own fault for staying up.

Sometimes I feel like killing myself. I used to be depressed but after my pregnancy I feel even worse..

Our son was born 3 wks ago and after a fairly traumatic birthing experience for my wife and I guess myself (long induction, attached placenta, lots of blood loss, etc). Everyone is doing great right now and I’m trying my best to help as much as I can. These days I work full time and then help after hours (diaper changes, cleaning, chores) and then I use my wife’s pumped milk to handle the night shift (midnight to 8am) so she can get as much sleep as possible. I typically sleep from 10:30pm to 1:30am, 2am to 4am, and 5am to 7:30am. I’m tired, but I feel like I’m getting a good amount of sleep for having a newborn.

The issue is that I find myself growing very inpatient. I know babies can really only communicate with crying but it is rough when the majority of my interactions with the child are when he is screaming and crying because I’m changing his diaper. It’s really wearing on my and I’m finding myself with less patience, when I’m usually extremely patient. My wife thinks I may have postpartum depression. Are my feelings just normal dad feelings? I’m trying my best to be a caring and loving dad but it has been tough.

Do things get better when the baby starts recognizing you and there is more of a connection?

After the delivery of a baby, amidst all that happiness and excitement, telling people that you are feeling depressed is quite a challenge. Not only would they be shocked, they might even wonder what is wrong with you. But the truth is that one in every four new mothers gets affected by Postpartum Depression (also known as PPD or Baby Blues).

Postpartum depression sets in within the first week of childbirth and lasts for a few days. Also known as ‘baby blues’, this condition can also last for a few weeks and this is when you need to start worrying. If left untreated, this medical condition can last not just for months, but even years. It turns into a medical emergency situation when it develops into postpartum psychosis.

The basic symptoms of postpartum depression are inclusive of dullness, laziness, changes in sleeping and diet patterns together with a lack of interest in the baby and in herself. The desire to stay in bed all day, severe mood swings, lack of concentration, irritation are other frequently noticed signs of PPD.

These symptoms are quite like the ones that women face during hormonal changes. In extreme cases, the symptoms can include suicidal thoughts and rash treatment of the baby. It is quite normal for women suffering from this medical condition to feel inadequacy about the ways in which they look after the baby. This leads to a loss of self-esteem with incessant worries about even the smallest of tasks.

In the long run, this condition can affect the relationship that you share with your family and leave deep psychological scars, so make sure that you seek treatment right away. These should not be ignored considering that if they develop into severe conditions, you might even end up with suicidal thoughts.

According to doctors, postpartum depression can be cured just like any other form of depression through muscle-relaxants and anti-depressants. Hormonal treatment is also recommended. You can even take therapy sessions with your psychologist if need be. Try talking things out with your family and friends. They are surely going to support you once you tell them what you are going through!

Reference and Detailed Discussion: Postpartum Depression: Baby Blues: Causes, Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment

Or first children are twin girls now 15 months. My wife stays at home. I totally appreciate how hard this is and I do everything I can to help around the house when I'm not at work. I try very hard to give her the opportunity to have her own time for her hobbies and projects. I took her in about 5 months for emergency psychiatric counseling at the hospital when she told me she was going to kill herself. They diagnosed her with ocd. Immediately after that we started daycare 3 days a week. There have been 3 episodes since then, the last one being tonight. She tells me after she is to much of a coward to actually do it but Everytime it breaks my heart. I try so hard to accommodate her outbreaks which I think now is manic depressant. We'll go from having a great day too a full-blown fight leading her to pack up the girls with luggage and leave for a few nerve-racking hours. The only thing I can do is let her go. Afterwards she apologies and comes home. Since the first hospital visit she was prescribed Zoloft. I know when she doesn't take it for a few days because we usually end up with a night like tonight. I am I no way persecuting her behavior because I know she loves our girls and me. She's is an amazing mom. I just don't know what to do. I am in no way complaining it is a cry for help.

Insight: I work in a meatpacking plant. If you've been watching the news, I don't need to tell you what's going on.

We had an outbreak of COVID19 last month. Since then the company has upped its standards and emplotes social distancing and all CDC recommendations.

Except our workforce is down.

The first few weeks, they cut the number of culled chickens, but staggered it out throughout the day so that we would get our hours.

Last week they picked up the number DESPITE us running with half the staff. Which means the lines were running at full tilt. Have been. Injuries everyday. I have carpal tunnel since pregnancy. My hands are a throbbing mess when I wake up every day.

Two weeks ago I was out for a back injury due to this. The job has alotted 5 sick days if we feel ill, to be used before June, because of the virus. I used 3 that week, 1 the week before.

Last week I had two days that were requested off earlier in the year. I heard some news aboit an employee being allowed to work with a high fevwr and bounced early that night. Used my last sick day.

I called out this Wednesday because anxiety took hold. Today because so much Bullshit has been goong on at home.

My job has a 10 point termination system. If you call out, you get a point. After 60 days the points roll off.

For the last month I'm at 2.7-3.7 points out of the 10.

Am I fucking up?

I feel like a wretched mother for not working but I feel like this whole month has been fucked all around.

I didn't sign up for being alone with my baby. I didn't sign up for figuring this out on my own. I didn't sign up for a partner that plays video games the second he gets home from work. Who doesn't listen to me when I say "the baby is crying because he wants your attention. He doesn't want to sit in your lap while you play pretend cowboy"

I never thought I'd be a mom. I never really wanted to be one. But last summer when I had that positive test I knew I wanted him. I knew I needed him in my life.

None of us could predict what would happen this year. I didn't know when I left the hospital with my little baby at the end of February that two weeks later I'd be by myself all day with no help and no idea how to raise a child. My baby is the first baby of ever held. His diapers are the first diapers I've ever changed. I'm an only child who has no cousins and no interaction with babies my entire life. My mom hasn't seen her grandson since the day after he was born I'm so overwhelmed I don't know what to do anymore.

I love him. I love him so much. Every smile, every silly face he makes, all of his coos and giggles.... But anytime he cries I just disconnect. I start screaming at him and he doesn't deserve that. He's 11 week old baby.

Our upstairs neighbor is terrible and anytime our child makes a noise he starts stomping on the ceiling. this has caused my anxiety to skyrocket anytime my child makes a peep.

I know I'll never physically harm him I just worry about any emotional or psychological damage I could be causing because I'm overwhelmed and literally have no support system. My husband is the only adult I have interacted with since the beginning of March since my parents are technologically illiterate. My husband does help. He does care. I don't want to downplay what he does for his son. I just don't think he understands how emotionally draining it is to be a caretaker all day long.

I don't know what I'm doing with this... I just needed some place to put this down .... maybe someone else understands how I feel.

What sucks is that my baby is so easy. He loves the car, he eats well, he hold still for diaper changes and he sleeps throughout the night, he has slept throughout the night since the day he was born. I should feel lucky and instead I just feel burdened. I hate the virus robbed my early motherhood.

My anxiety is at a 30/10 because I’m not sleeping well and also still navigating postpartum nonsense. I keep thinking about dying suddenly and people breaking into my house to kidnap my child. I can barely do the bare minimum of my job from home let alone pursue any creative outlets.

Child is nearly 8 months and waking up 4-5 every night for the last few weeks. Prior to this he was only waking up 1-2 times max. His napping schedule is changing, which is helpful during the day, but at night he wakes up and can’t put himself back to sleep. I try waiting 5-10 minutes before going in to help him but he never really settles. Also when it’s 4am and this is the third time I’ve been woken up sometimes it’s just easier to feed the kid then to wait and listen to him cry.

Anyway I hate everything and I’m falling apart. Advice is appreciated.

PPD since more than 2 years. My mom died of a horrible cancer in 2006. I feel sad that she's gone and never met my kids. I also think I don't deserve the attention cause I'm not a good mom at all. Yet still sad that my SO did nothing. I feel like my brain's gonna explode 😢

I am not one to do this but I need to open up. I had my first child January 24th after a long stressful labor. About 3 days after having him I got a kidney infection but did not realize that’s what was going on so I was nauseous/throwing up and having severe back pain for about 2 weeks before I went to the doctor and got antibiotics. That finally cleared up and around week 4 of my son’s life he had a bad case of colic. Cried pretty much all day every day and wouldn’t sleep hardly at all. We are now about 3 1/2 months in and the colic has cleared up and he is sleeping really well at night but struggles during the day to take good naps. I know I should be happy since he basically sleeps through the night but I’m not. I am struggling to feel human and like myself day after day. With the quarantine I am working from home 90% of the time and my husband farms and is gone 13+ hours every day. I get so lonely and tired of not having a life and having a child dependent on me 24/7. My husband keeps telling me “that’s being a mom” or “that’s what moms do” and I understand that but after all I’ve been through I just want to feel normal again. I want to go spend a day with my friends or not get out of bed until I felt like it. My husband tells me to have my mom come get our son for the day so I can have free day to just relax and she absolutely would anytime, but then I struggle with the fact that I’m letting someone else take care of my child while I do literally nothing and I don’t feel right about that. I don’t feel comfortable talking with anyone close to me about it because I feel pathetic and weak that I am struggling with PPD and I don’t want them to know.

Pretty self-explained

I just feel like I don’t deserve to be a mom, I’m not talented, smart, or have a decent income but I am making changes slowly but it feels like it’s not enough....I keep thinking of harming myself but as soon as I tell someone, I’m the bad person..I know I need the help but honestly, I feel I won’t be taken serious and that right there(not being taken serious) hurts A LOT.

The title is self explanatory. My baby is 20 months and I still feel nothing for her but annoyance and contempt. I'm happiest when her and her father are gone. I prefer being alone and breathing. This has been before the quarantine. Now with homeschooling and housework that never ends. I just see my daughter as another burden and her father. I told her she was a mistake and if I could have aborted her I would have. I feel so bad for saying that but I just can't help but not want her near me. I want her and any other child to get away from me too. Idk why I'm homeschooling a child that isn't even mine. Then my parents still don't get that I have postpartum depression and still insist on dumping my aunt's child on me which is their responsibility. Idk. I don't want to feel contempt for my child. I want to be okay and just be happy but I can't when I feel like family life and motherhood is death sentence.

A short movie my wife and I made in 2019, but quite fitting now during the pandemic. Loosely based on The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1DwU7v4_IU

​

Thank you for taking the time to see it, like it or comment on it. We appreciate all your feedback.

A short note: I always thought Gilman's story was about hope, in the end, despite all the packaging and labeling as being quite bleak. If it wasn't about hope I wouldn't have made the movie. I actually think that whatever happens between the husband and wife once the film ends can only lead to both of them confronting their inner fears and finding their own strength - whether they do it alone, on their own, or together as a family.

Original Language: Romanian, with English Subtitles

Sometimes its a good day, other times its a bad day. Emotions change at the drop of a hat. I'm content with my hobbies one moment and twenty minutes later I'm sobbing on my desk wondering how I could delude myself into thinking I'm any good at what I do. So I stop. I go numb and surf the internet. I blink and it's already after 7 pm, time to start winding down and going to bed. I get into bed at 8, I don't fall asleep until 1. I wake up at 4:30 for a feeding fighting to stay awake so that I don't smother my child. The adrenaline rush of those worries and those thoughts keep me awake until 6:30 when i finally feel calm enough to attempt to sleep again. I close my eyes and my mind races.

Then there's always the second guessing: Is he getting fed enough from just EBF? Is he screaming because he's sick and can't tell me? Is he constipated because of something I'm eating? Am I playing with him enough? Am I stimulating him enough? Is he where he's supposed to be weight wise and developmentally wise? What if it's not enough? What if this hurts him in the long run?

Then the next day I'm fine.

As if nothing ever happened. Yet in the back of my mind I know that it did happen. In a few days the cycle repeats itself.

I feel trapped and out of control of my emotions, that I can't regain control anymore. That I'm just stuck with feeling and being like this and that it's never going to change or get better. Most days I just want to stay asleep so that way I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling.

I called my Dr. They said it's the Birth Control Implant trying to regulate itself, but that it takes a few months to do so. This is my first BC since 2012. I've had my first period since giving birth that lasted 2 and a half weeks. Only to have 4 days off from it before it began again. they said to call back if it hasn't fixed itself by end of July. They referred me to a social worker who should be calling me in the next few days. I don't know how it's supposed to help me. I don't know how to help me. I don't know how to get better.

All I know is I hate this

I mean the morning sickness was awful. The extreme 1st trimester exhaustion was terrible. The getting fat and watching my body turn into something I've worked my whole like to avoid is disheartening, despite having gone through it before. Having my body physically hurt even when asleep, from doing what feels like very minimal activity is pretty shitty.

But through all of this the hardest part is that I emotionally cannot fucking cope. Yes, I've been referred to maternal mental health, I see a psych next week. Thats 3 months after my referral. But with the stress of the times, the stress of my job, money stress, not having daycare so that I can work and have money stress, trying to figure out what is reasonable and unreasonable precautions, and then just dealing with the everyday weird ass emotional reactions to things I NEVER would normally react to I just... I can't. I'm crying every day or else I'm just angry or numb because I can't keep being so emotional I need to just make it stop. I constantly have this lump in my throat. Anything sets me off and I'm crying again. Never happy tears,when something makes me happy I'm brought back immediately to how pathetic I am that I need something this special to give me a morsel of happiness. How pathetic. I can see my kid is emotionally exhausted watching her mom fall apart before her eyes. She's trying to comfort me, but I'm supposed to be comforting her right now, her routines have changed, she can't see friends, she can't go to the park, she's bored and I feel like I emotionally can't muster up the patience to sit down with her and do activities. Too anxious or too sad or just too panicked about whatever is on my mind. So she comforts me and that makes me feel awful because how am I breaking her right now? How is this affecting her psyche? Is this how she will forever thing pregnancy is? Sad, frustrating, painful?

I would deal with any physical pain, even constant contractions if it meant I could step away from the onslaught of emotions and intrusive thought and subsequent hatred of myself for having those thought. I'm only 25w and I pray this baby can come out any day. I hope my water breaks early and I have a micropremie so I can be done with the hormones. Which doesn't make any sense. I hope that something is truly wrong with them on a follow up ultrasound next week and pray I can terminate. Which doesn't make sense. I want this baby. I dont even just want a baby I want this one. But the thought still seem so freeing. These emotions are too much. I want to crash my car to be sedated for a few days and get away from my own mind for just a little bit of time. I know I'm exhausting everyone around me with my constant crying and complaining and worrying and panicking about things that dont deserve crying over. I know they all hate seeing that I've messaged them because I'm probably crying or whining or bitching about something again. Its exhausting to deal with me. I know my husband feels at a loss how to deal with me. I know he feels I just need to snap out of it. I know he thinks I just need to deal with my things and they're all simple answers but they aren't. All my problems dont have simple solutions. They're complicated. And I'm trying. And I'm working on it. And everything I can't control I can't stop thinking about. And everything I can control I'm waiting on answers about how to proceed. Or waiting on good news only to constantly get bad over and over and over.

I can't wait to feel mentally normal again. I'm terrified that postpartum I'll get worse. My sister had postpartum psychosis. I'm terrified that's where I'm heading. This won't get better once the baby is here. It'll get worse. And I'll hate this even more. And I'll end up in a psych ward. And nobody will ever be able to look at me the same way because I "willed it upon myself" by worrying about it constantly.