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Niantic

This is for posterity purposes, and not to anger, criticize or otherwise defame our lord and savior, Niantic. I’m reporting to you now, from an undisclosed hospital room, as a trusted journalist; this story is not my own, but that of a whistleblower whose identity shall remain anonymous.

Just prior to the global Niantic weekend of worship known as GoFest, a summit took place. Like the Bilderbergs, Knights Templar, Freemasons, and Swifties, this meeting was an off-the-record, invite-only joining of the most important decision-makers and influential powers that be. Our source is a lowly intern; bound by NDA and thoroughly vetted, but as his survival is questionable, the facts will out.

The scene: 7:06am, Sunday. The two giant oaken doors creaked open revealing a narrow, candlelit room. The blood red velvet curtains blocking all light from entering. Nestled between each window was a suit of armor each holding a silver platter with various objects impaled in the center: a remote raid pass, armored mewtwo, 50 Pokecoins, Cowboy Hat Caterpie, Mimikyu, Jesse and James, and finally a shiny Party Hat Pichu. A long granite conference/sacrifice table sat somberly on the sunken floor, lined with twelve chairs on each side. At the head of the table, a solid gold throne, polished to a blinding shimmer. Inscribed on the back with “LØRD HÅNKĘ, THÊ FĪNÂŁ GØD ØV PÅĪN”. Our brave source was instructed to arrive on time, and to take his seat at a small wooden desk in the back corner, where he unrolled a fresh piece of papyrus and filled an ink well with enough streamer blood to record the minutes of the summit.

The silence was suffocating, he said, as he sat alone for a few minutes. The oaken door opened and a hooded figure quickly removed the Lord’s breakfast cart with a half-eaten Lechonk and some Exeggcute shells. No sooner did the doors open again and the executives began to file in and took their seats. Silent. Robed. An eternity passes before the smoke bellowed into the room from the open doors and the Executives rose and began to welcome Lord Hanke. “dominus satanae pokemons” a cacophony of voices bellowed “dominus satanae pokemons” The Lord, disgusted, shaking his head came to a halt by his throne. He spoke: “WHY AM I HERE? THIS BETTER FUCKING BE GOOD. I SWEAR, IF ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS EVEN SAY THE WORDS ‘REMOTE RAID PASS’ YOU’RE GONNA END UP LIKE MATTHEW” as he motioned to the conference table centerpiece, a Slowbro shell with Matthew’s arm protruding from the mouth. Lord Hanke sat and retrieved his bag of Bad Idea Balls. For the uninitiated, Bad Idea Balls were marble pokeballs that were specially made for the Lord…I’m sure I don’t need to explain further, but they were one of his cruelest motivation tools.

Martin and Janet from marketing stood up and bowed, as they opened the meeting with today’s primary topic: there were some problems that stemmed from Mega Rayquaza Elite Raid Day. Lord Hanke let out a loud sigh and readied a Bad Idea Ball. “My Lord, it seems that some of the Elite Raid gyms in Australia and New Zealand had some troubles during the Elite raid day” Martin sheepishly stated, “the gyms didn’t have Mega Rayquaza at all.”

Then almost subconsciously, our dear source stated just a little too laudly: “happened in Japan too” and what happened next is too painful for him to relive. Just know that he survived the meeting, but anything beyond that is…well, we’ll have to wait and see…

Hanke: “Oh my GOD, THIS AUSTRALIA AND NEW ZEALAND SHIT! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THIS, YOU ACT LIKE THEY’RE AN ACTUAL PLACE! I’M SAYING THIS ONE FINAL TIME: THEY ARE OUR BETA TESTING DEPARTMENT, AND THEY ARE LOCATED IN THE BASEMENT. I WILL NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING FURTHER ON THIS MATTER. BAD IDEA” thwack “caught one! NEXT”

Satan stood up from his chair: “My Lord, you don’t understand…it pains me to say this…but they just don’t work.”

Hanke: “I know that’s why I never turn their fucking shinies on…”

Satan: “no, not the beta testers…Elite Raids. They’re low quality, and tough to capitalize on…”

Hanke: “you talk about them like they’re Brick Break Azu. TRY HARDER FUCKERS”

Satan: “My Lord. John. We started this company years ago…we’re coming up on close to 10 years, now. Don’t you—don’t you remember what it was like? Remember the dream we had? We were miserable at Goo—“

Hanke: “DONT YOU SAY THEIR FUCKIN’ NAME”

Satan: “THE OTHER PLACE, I meant the other place…don’t you remember our dreams? Our ethic? Our drive?”

Hanke: “I’m starting to feel a Bad Idea coming on”

Satan: “Drop the Elite Raids, John. Give ‘em a make up day, and let ‘em remote it. It’s just Rayquaza.”

Hanke: “HOW DARE YOU?! LISTEN TO ME, BITCH, YOU’RE WOZNIAK, IM JOBS, YOU HEAR ME?! TAKE YOUR GODDAMN SEGWAY AND FUCK OFF BACK TO THE MIDWEST”

Satan: “You made a deal with me…and I didn’t forget the price. We all agree this is the right thing to do…we can revisit the Elite Raids later.”

Hanke: “Fine you assholes, but I want EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU to work through to next week packaging up the player data, I HAVE EVERY SINGLE company on the fucking market waiting for these early quarter updates”

Everyone collectively sighed relief and quietly gathered their belongings and filed out…Except Satan.

Satan: “This is good, John, trust me; this new direction is good. So I was wondering…what do you say to doing some raids that weekend? Get some real feedback, just like old times?”

Hanke: “Sure, what NBA players do I need on my team? Are there even any portals near here?”

Satan: “Don’t worry, buddy, everything’s gonna be alright”

I just caught this guy…im not sure if I should purify or not? Is shadow Quagsire any good? Or should I just prurify to get the hundo?

I live in a pretty rural area and the area doesn't have a very large pogo community. My wife has gotten a second phone for pogo and I was considering doing the same with 4 accounts we would be able to do the raids we couldn't normally do by our selves. I guess my question is should I get another phone or should I get an ipad or ipad mini with a data plan? IMO kinda seems like an ipad mini with a data play would be more versatile then just having another phone, but genuinely I'm not sure if it's worth it for pogo? By worth it I don't know if it would be any good for pogo or just having another phone would be easier. any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

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Hatch day is the biggest money grab, which is why I avoid playing them as a moderately free to play player. I appreciate Niantic on something like a raid day giving 5 free raid passes, allowing for everyone to have a chance to play. For hatch days its the complete opposite, even the paid tickets only provide one super incubator. If you want to play with lets just say 3 incubators with 3 uses, you would have to quickly hatch the eggs in your inventory using some of those incubators, wait to spin a stop and not open any gifts until the event starts, cause you cant delete eggs. Once the event starts its not even guaranteed to get a 2km egg any way. Cleffa doesn't feel like a miss out luckily, but for something like riolu its obvious Niantic wants some cash. 3 free incubators and adding deleting eggs or have a special new egg inventory just for the event + a paid ticket with 5-10 incubators would be a quick fix allowing people to finally enjoy these events. any ideas?

What does zorua disguise itself as if you have zorua as your buddy?

Fendi Postcard?

If anybody has some of the Fendi postcards, could you send me? I neeeed the tee and hat.

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I gift daily!

I’d use them, but I want internet points

Gay ass mods on R/PokémonGo kept taking it down, if I purify will it be a hundo?

I need help dealing with this absolutely rude player in my region. They took over the gym I was in BEFORE I was in there for long enough to earn my 50 coins.

How can someone not understand common decency and etiquette of letting me get my coins. It's as if they think this is a game and that gym battling is meant to be fun. Are you serious? No! Let me get my 50 coins every time I enter a gym, wah wah wah.

These things hatch at level one whhhhaaaat