I don't know if this is the right place to share. I don't really have anyone else to share this with. But the older I get, the more I feel like I've undergone some dark things throughout my sexual history. I don't know if any of it is really quantifiable as sexual abuse, I've always had too much of a problem asserting myself to claim that word. But I'd really like to share my story anyway, both to just get it out and to understand whether this is as bad as my maturing brain is now telling me it is.

Any feedback or advice would be really appreciated, but please be kind. This is my story.

Guy 1) At 13, I met my first boyfriend. He insisted we hide our relationship at school - I didn't realize this was because his friends said I was fat. After 6 months, he succeded in pressuring me into sex (after a few attempts to have sex with me while drunk). He dumped me 5 days after taking my virginity, immediately started dating another girl he was proud of, then publicly shamed intimate details about my body in school and on Facebook. I later found out he'd tried to cheat on me several times, including with one of my best friends.

Guy 2) At 14, I began fooling around. I wouldn't have sex or undress in front of anyone due to the actions of my first boyfriend, until a drunken night at 15 with two friends and one of their boyfriends. The boyfriend then also made fun of my body afterwards, and my friends joined in.

Guy 3) At 16 - hypersexual yet self conscious - I found Craigslist and met a man through that. He was in a long term relationship and I wasn't attracted to him at all, but I enjoyed feeling desired for the first time and we underwent a very kinky affair, where he taught me everything I knew and would blindfold me then take me to his house to have sex with me. He was 53.

Guys 4-15) Desperate for money due to a worsening drug problem, I began escorting at 17. I found this initially empowering. I'd gone from being bullied for my body to men paying for it. And I even liked some clients, so much so that I let certain ones evade full payment. Others weren't so enjoyable, and three in particular inflicted more damage than most. The first took me anally for the first time without notice, using no lubrication and the result was rectal bleeding. The second lied about using a condom after I explicitly told him to and he came inside of me, infecting me (possibly intentionally) with an STD. And another stalked me, demanding I marry him. I developed agrophobia and stopped escorting after this at age 18.

Guy 16) I met my first long term partner online at 19 and he love bombed me. He was 28, had never had a girlfriend, lived at home with his mother, was chronically in debt and had a history of using sex workers. All of which should have been red flags, but in hindsight I was so desperate to be loved and accepted, I didn't care. The fact that he'd been with escorts previously even made me feel safe, like his history meant he would accept mind and that he'd cherish a real woman all the more, however this was a naive hope. As strongly as he came onto me, he withdrew just as strongly when I didn't want to hook up straight away. I then chased, offering him anything he wanted and we had sex, but only under the condition he watch porn while I played with him and that I payed for the hotel. This continued until it evolved into a 3 year relationship, punctuated by financial exploitation and emotional neglect, until eventually I discovered he'd cheated on me with a beautiful cam girl he'd been obsessed with for years. He dumped me when I confronted him about it for a second time.

Guy 17) After returning to move my things out, I discovered my ex had solicited a sex worker days after breaking up with me. He payed for their hotel when he never even took me on dates, he claimed he was too broke. Determined to move on, I then had a one night stand from Tinder. I hated it and cried all the way home.

Guy 18a) I met my first true love in my final year of university, two months after my previous breakup. Funny, kind, smart, handsome, loyal - I slowly developed a huge crush on him even though he liked someone else, but eventually he became attracted to me too, keen to experiment with me as friends with benefits. I therefore concealed my feelings for him and resolved to enjoy what I could get. I never thought a guy like that could love a girl like me but eventually we fell for each other, shared a highly experimental sexual relationship, however my mental state was still broken after my recent experience and it ruined everything. I was so ill yet so scared of losing him that I became reactive and manipulative and critical. And for the first time I even lost my sex drive, which is when he began to cry or pressure me if I refused sex. He didn't mean this harmfully, but he could not seem to understand I was too depressed for intimacy, and that if he wanted more from me, I needed to feel romanced, seduced even, not pounced on as that lead to this feeling of being used. He eventually broke up with me after two years (on and off) with the understanding that perhaps we'd try again in a year after we'd worked on ourselves. I was devastated, but knew I needed the break too. I wasn't ready.

Guy 19) I spent my 25th birthday alone in a foreign country, desperately missing my ex. I met a very kind, very handsome man during that period and while I was not personally attracted to him, we had a fling when I returned to the country a couple of months later. After, I experienced a period of panic attacks, and knew then I was just trying to fill a void my ex left behind. I therefore let the fling fizzle into friendship and began practicing celibacy.

Guy 18b) Eight months later, my ex returned and I was overjoyed. He told me he still wasn't ready for a relationship, but that he loved me and wanted to spend the summer with me before I went away for my masters degree. I, of course, said yes, but then things got confusing. One day he adored me, the next he hated me for my previous behaviour and rewrote my actions as the product of maliciousness, not mental anguish. I became triggered by the instability and entered a fawn response, trying to give him whatever he wanted but he began treating me like an option, alternating between coming onto me when he wanted me then blocking me when he felt resentful again. We eventually did have sex after he seemed to have settled, saying he couldn't fight this anymore, and I explained that I needed to know he'd continue offering kindness after I broke my celibacy so I wouldn't feel used again. He agreed, yet he wasn't able to keep this promise. After sex, he withdrew and I became activated, which was met with him joking and telling me it was just lust for him and that if he loved himself, he wouldn't choose me. I knew I deserved that so I apologized, but after more hot and cold, he blocked me a final time, claiming I'd ruined his view of sex, love and relationships. I don't know if that's fair as I felt that much of the sexual emphasis of our relationship was driven by him, that I kept trying for more wholesomeness but I do know I have to accept that intention does not negate effect. Either way, he hates me and I miss him everyday.

Guy 20) Another one night stand, my last attempt to get over my ex following some poor advice from a friend. I had to ask him to leave half way through. I nearly attempted my life afterwards.

And that's everything. Now I am 26 and still practicing celibacy (I have passed the five month mark) and I plan to remain abstinent for years. Sex no longer feels like an escape to me, the thought of anyone but my ex touching me feels repulsive, and I know the only thing that can resolve this is time, tears and therapy.

Yet despite knowing all of that and being able to articulate the events, I don't know what name to give what I've experienced and it's a huge blockage to my processing. I've been calling it 'sexual trauma' to myself and close friends to try and reclaim my experience, but when I do I doubt myself and feel that I am exaggerating, or that I'm even falsely victimising myself.

At the end of the day, I chose to have sex at 13. I chose to be an escort. I chose to have an affair with a man my father's age. I chose to act that way in my relationships. Even the parts I wouldn't have chosen, I enabled by not removing myself from those situations. I made these decisions, what right do I have to claim exploitation or abuse or any other titles that validate the damage? Especially after passing that damage onto the one person I've loved most. How can I call myself a victim when I was the villain to the sweetest man I've ever known?

I don't know if anyone's experienced anything similar, or if any if this resonates. But if it does, I'd really love to hear from you.

I’m honestly kinda new to reddit, i’ve spent a lot of time reading etc but never really posted or commented all that much. But I don’t really know where to go or what to do with the situation i’ve found myself in and figured it was worth a shot. I was in a relationship for over two years that was abusive in more ways than one. This person was super manipulative as well as sexually abusive in violent ways. overall not good for me at all. it reached a point where i wasn’t really present in the relationship nor any other aspect of my life, I mentally checked out entirely. After I finally left that situation coming up to three years ago I got my life back together and really started to make progress, got to reconnect with my friends again, continue my education and met a girl who is healing every part of me that my past relationship broke without even really realising it. However a couple days ago i was out with some friends at a club and we were pretty drunk, we went outside for some air and i bumped into someone who is very closely related to my abuser, which then somehow led me face to face with her. I don’t remember much, other than me trying to get some words out that had been on my mind for a long time. as soon as accountability came into the conversation however she started to cry, and went to hug me. apologising profusely and telling me how the way our relationship ended, led her to seek therapy and get a mental health diagnosis, as well as something about her own childhood trauma that she had only been told about a few months prior to this night that affected how she treated me without her even knowing. i felt truly awful for bringing up what she did to me, and though my memory is super vague a close friend i was with said that i went and hugged her and told her it was all okay. after that, again though vague i remember being weirdly kind. making jokes and telling her not to cry. but now i just feel horrible and can’t get the thought out of my head that not only did i waste such an opportunity to tell her all the things that were left unsaid, and make sure she knew not only how badly she had messed up such a huge part of my life but that i also have so many unanswered questions for my own peace of mind. which also feels kinda selfish now that i think about it. my friend did not leave my side despite her friends trying to convince them to let her get me alone, and continued fighting with them until they eventually got through and took me away from the situation cause it got to a point where i just felt lost. I have spoken to my girlfriend who has been nothing but supportive and patient with me because im beyond confused on what to do here in the sense that i cannot shake this horrible feeling and i don’t know what it is. im just so confused as to why i can’t stop thinking about it, and why my body feels like a crime scene because she hugged me. I can’t tell if im just deeping this whole thing. any advice on how to handle this and honestly how to stop feeling like my whole world is spinning out of control again because feel like im back at square one again. thanks :)

Most recent examples being Asia Argento, Amber Heard, Drake Bell etc.

How do we as a society support them, while not discounting the people they hurt themselves?

What is the correct way to respond if their victims come out and ask ‘why are you supporting them and not us?’?

Not only men, but so many of women and girls also can't think of any situation that men also can be sexually assaulted and some guys may feel really weird and weak at that point, which nobody even likes to talk about. People either laugh it out or just don't take it seriously and just call the guy "Pekra" and send him out, but if it was a girl, naturally sm people would love to standout in some moments I'm not saying ALL , cz we are seeing several cases of brutal r*pes against women and i don't remember a guy going thru even a closer thing and had gotten justice. But well I (19M) got sexually assaulted three times till now , not that i want to count them but each time is really a pain in the ass(quite literally😜) to forget. And i yeah i wanted to make a joke like that cz i don't wanna keep on crying about it, soon I'm gonna tell all my close friends this and the end will be so satisfying trust me. And remember that this is a story of a "VICTIM" of sexual assaults, and also i might make some lame jokes in btwn sometimes cz idk i like to do so🤷🏻‍♂️. This starts when i was in 9th std living in a pretty small town in karnataka and i was studying in a really right winged school with first language kannada, and I was a really bright student (not to brag) but i was really lazy and it hasn't changed a bit. I was persistent participant in RSS and the first meantally traumatizing thing happens to me in one of rss camp, if you guys know it, it's called prathamika shikshana shibira or itc in short. All the taluks guys who were in that camp were well distributed according to their places and jobs and the camp was great. And we also had a kind of elder one in our group whose jobs were to be with us kids, where else can one (pdflile) get a bettter opportunity to take advantage of that situation? And that's exactly what happened. The guy was like 27-30 yrs old. And all of us used to sleep in the same room. And here it is, I was sleeping in the room with all my frnds and him in the same room and when i was in real deep sleep i had this dream of a lizard crawling up me and i kind of happened to slowly open my eyes but all i saw was that 30 yr old guy's big mustache with a clean shaved face smelling me dick, and the lizard sensation was nothing but him sliding down my shorts, and trust me dude i was 14 years old that time. And i had no idea what to do other than praying that i go back to sleep, and trust me dude the only sad part which i feel sad right now is me not being strong enough that time to do anything which cpuld have defended myself or someone else, but now, if it were to happen, i would sure make him remember not to do that to any kids ever again. And yeah i got up that morning remember all the thing which happened last night, he happened to be suck my cock which wasn't hard, i did not know what mastrubation was at time trust me guys, i knew the word which was a bad word in kannada and we local boys used to use a lot cz its cool uk, "hodkaladu" means jerking off, which i shatanu didn't know. And my dick was soft asf and i was scared asf, trust me guys i can't help but make comments which might make u not feel emotional or sad cz of the post but it's okay, it's cmg out from a guy that likes to make fun of his bad memories so that it doesn't get painful and accepting that i have been through that , it's like cutting off all the thorns from a cactus and hugging it, it getss beautiful how u turn out after all the bad things which happen to you, and the second time, I really need an answer for this. Can transgender people in india sexually assault people or even a minor and get away easily? Can u guys tell me any incident where the tras person has paid for what she did, I've seen videos of transgenders allegedly touching young boys' crouch for god knows what reason, and this same thing happened to me when i was 18, coming back from bangalore, ksrtc bus has stopped for a lunch break since it's a 4 hour journey, apparently I'm the only one in the whole bus who's not hungry, and everybody goes out of the bus parked in some roadside hotel in the afternoon. And there some transgender women walking outside and i saw it and i was busy talking to my girlfriend(ex now) on call, we were really missing each other and i was really happy to even talk to her on call, and one trans person came in the bus asking me for money i checked my wallet and there was no change, and i told her that, she told me to give her 100 and she'll give me change, but i had only 500 rs note, she got pissed and touched my dick and rubbed it on my pants as she went and i was so surprised by that act of hers i just didn't know what to do i just got totally quiet for like some seconds and my girlfreind asked me what happened and the one real thing she told me when i informed about what had just happened, and her reaction should be every man's reaction when something like this happens to him, she told "SLAP HER", and i should have, but i just couldn't, i just got weak and confused like I'm really embarrassed of this and i started blaming myself about it, but my girlfriend really did whatever i wanted to feel like at that moment and I'm really thankful for that , she's one of the prettiest hearted person ik and she just knew what should be done. And i wish i could tell het what happened day before yesterday when i was going home from mysore, and for the third time the similar kind of thing happened to me but with a great twist, that it's me 19 year old and I'm now the strongest than i ever was and also I'd like to think that I was looking pretty hot that day, uk, ofc cz I'm older and mature every second than the previous. And this time it was in a ksrtc bus which was really brand new and only had a single door next to the driver's seat, and the end was really wide and spacious, i was going home and i had gotten a seat in the last row of the bus cz i prefer last row seats and the whole bus was khali/empty when i climbed up and a guy followed me in the bus. And i sat down and was waiting for the bus to move cz it was so hot there and the guy who came behind me, the creep(35-36M) he came sat next to me and behind him some other good guys came and they were also looking for the last row seats and they weren't any trouble, but this creep started acting up (now ik that it was acting) and started to rub his body when i was sitting next to the window, i thought why tf is he doing that and i told him to move a bit cz it's a real summer, and he moved. And the peopel started cmg to the bus and it started filling up and when the driver was almost cmg,a woman puked inside the bus and bus had to wait for sometime. And then one more guy who was pretty drunk came looking for seats in the last row and lucky for him, there was one more extra seat for him and he sat, after the bus started moving our drunk uncle who came at the end really wanted to puke (*remember the creep is still sitting next to me now even more tightly than before since the last uncle came and sat next to him) and the creep is btwn me that uncle, and since no one he asked was giving him the window seats to puke, i called him and let him sit next to the window. And still the creep is sitting next to me, but now on my left side. And now it begins, i wore my ear plugs and started to listen to songs and since i was really tired, i started feeling drowsy and kind of slept, and the creep is sitting to my left and he started putting his hands on my lap first, i didn't notice and didn't think much of it and slept back again, then he started rubbing my lap with is palm and i was in deep sleep and the next second his fingers slowly slid and touched my dick on my pants, and i was really woken up by that bad touch and i was really angry too, his badluck was that i was high asf at that time(🤫 i smoked up before getting up on bus and was high asf) i got so angry and i stood up , i had my bag on my lap and he was doing all that under the bag, and when i stood up i kept the bag on my seat, and started whooping his ass man, i started slaping the fuck out of him with 6/10 of my whole energy which was a lot for him, and i slapped him atleast 8 times and it was really hard smacks trust me, and all he chose to say that time was "sorry, (holding his both cheeks and almost crying) bidi paravagilla innond sala madalla", i lost it bro, trust me dude i held him back from the head with one hand and gave a solid punch cz of which his mouth was bloody and then ppl were actually interested in what hpnd here but even then they had no clue, some ppl asked me "enaytu?" And i was soo angry i told "Muttutane sulemaga" they didn't understand, I'm sorry, am I missing smth here? Then I told "Ellello muttutane nidde madiddaga sulemagan tull keya bus nilsi ilsi ee bolimaganna" this was what i told in that rage then ppl heard it and gave me the way to push that motherfuckr off the bus and then the bus started moving but it was only 25% of the journey and this shit hpnd which really ruined my mood and the worst part of all was my phone's battery died after 2 mins that creep left, and the only thing which was making me comfortable was the drunk uncle to whom i gave my seat to, that uncle started talking to me since now that fucker was gone he was sitting next to me. And he was telling how he was sleeping and heard slaps and got scared thinking that I'm hitting him 😂. He was so cheerfull man, he gave me confidence later, he asked me if he should go there and squash that motherfucker with his feet. I told "no uncle its ok, prblem taken care of" for which his reply was, "i was thinking that this good kid just gave his own window seat when nobody was willing to, and why is he smacking this guy like that?" And told me to become some kind of law enforcement officer cz (this are the exact terms he mentioned) "ninnange nyaya dharmana kayoke yaradru nintardoru beku" i was flattered dude, but i just feel ok that i could atleast fight back on my own which was bothering me from my childhood and it just shows everyone evolves if exposed to certain type of knowledge and awareness. And all i need to say for all of you is just that sexual assault or abuse can happen to anybody regardless of anything, but if u are treating a victim, don't bring any gender's stereotype into it and try to make them forget it , no, you telling them to forget doesn't help them forget it, does it? Just be there for them and make them understand that ur there for them and make them understand that u understand them. The reason I'm saying this is cz i didn't get the satisfying type of reaction from my parents and the words they used to help me get over it is soo concerning to myself. I'm not blaming them for this, well i didn't know how to do it either rt? there are sm things which idk rn, sm ppl have been thru sm worse things than mine, which i can't even imagine smth closer to. But u can definitely help someone who u love with wtvr u know about all the things to do after smth terrible happens to someone. I'm not someone who has the authority to preach y'all what to do and what not to, i just thought this was a positive message and also thought should leave you guys to be that judge of anything before you apply it to yourself or even try to come up with a better one .. ..

hey everyone. I've posted on here before, but I'm not here to talk about my story, I'm mainly looking for advice, and to see if what I experienced is normal. essentially I was assaulted.

I guess I'm wanting to know if this is normal. i have some pretty major memory gaps when it comes to the actual event. I remember before it, and I remember after it, but I can't remember when he started doing what he was doing and when it ended.

I'm also confused because immediately after I was able to laugh and cuddle / have fun with him. it was as if my brain completely shut it out, and when it was done I went back to hanging out with someone | liked. days later I finally processed what he did to me. I'm just confused as to how I could be calm and happy after it, even though I didn't want him doing what he was doing. Is it possible that my brain was able to separate him assaulting me and I'm just able to be normal? The event itself has caused me PTSD, so l'm wondering why I was fine and content with him right after he assaulted me.

I was 11 he was 53. Honestly idk just wanting to write all my feelings out and finally be heard. I had a rough childhood to begin with, my father cheated on my mom a lot, was abusive to me and my 3 older siblings and was in foster care for a year before I was 3 years old. When I was 9 years old my aunt and uncle took me and my three siblings out bowling we had a great time. After that there was a special interest in me. I’d get invited to spend the night and to come over for a few hours after school. They were the fun aunt and uncle for sure. They had acres of land, quads, hot tub and a pool, every kids dream. Fast forward to when I was almost 11 my sister was going into band and needed some financial assistance for band camp so the deal was that if my aunt and uncle paid for band camp I could spend the whole summer there. This is when my life was permanently altered. Towards middle of summer, my uncle and I were in the pool, I was hanging on him the way I usually do and out of no where he kissed me. After this he apologized and said it’s never happen again. I swept it under the rug. During this whole summer I had gone on shopping trips, out to dinner, experienced things I wouldn’t have with my family that was barely getting by. The next time he kissed me I didn’t resist. Looking back I should’ve told the first time. By the end of summer he had full on molested me. But for some reason I was greedy. I happen to blame myself a lot. He wasn’t in any way attractive. He just made me feel special, like I was needed. I felt spoiled. 5 years of being touched. Some how weekend and after school 2 days weekly to “make sure I do good in school🙄Being told he was to make me squirt, just needs to teach me not to settle for a man who doesn’t know how to make me get off. Sorry I truly cannot go into details. I’m haunted to this day that I let this happen. By the time I was 14 everyone was questioning his motives towards me. But nobody stepped in to try to intervene. My aunt asked me one time if anything was going on. I couldn’t tell her. I was the trouble kid, I knew it’d be blamed on me.I was 16 when I got away. My parents moved 2.5 hours away and I was a minor so obviously I went with. It took a year to tell my mother what happened. She immediately took me to my therapist to tell them what happened and the following day the state police was at my school to take a statement. I was 17. I was 20 when I get the letter saying he wasn’t being charged due to lack of evidence even though the police officer who I’d spoken with said his interview showed he was guilty. My aunt did not help with the investigation what so ever and would make no comment to officers. There’s way more to my life this is just tip of the iceberg burg. I will just never understand how the system failed me like this. I’m 26 now and I’m still haunted on a daily.

My dad would make weird comments towards me that would make me feel uncomfortable like I think he even called me “sexy” one time.

When I was a teen, I was suicidal, and my mom wanted to keep a close eye on me to make sure I didn’t sneak out at night to do something stupid. So, she convinced me to sleep in the same bed as her and my dad. My mom would sleep in the middle of the bed, I would be close to the door, and my dad would be next to the window (it was a LARGE bed).

My mom was in school full-time and working full-time, so she would stay up late doing homework in the living room while I’d lay on one side of the bed and my dad on the other. We would both typically not say much and be on our phones. But then after a while of this, one night he began to watch porn and masturbate. I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to tune out the situation. I excused it thinking maybe he thought I was asleep because it was late.

But this started to happen a lot more frequently to the point I’d cry during it. The only time I witnessed anything remotely related to this was when he asked me to grab his phone one morning, and, when I did, I saw that he had been watching gay porn and his phone had some cum on it.

I never saw him masturbate, but I could tell because of the sound and bed movement. I’ve never told anyone this. In fact, this is the first time I’ve ever written about it.

Was this a form of sexual abuse?

On the same topic, is it possible to have been sexually abused as a child (toddler age, 3-6) but have no memory of it? I ask because as a young child I would masturbate and imitate having sex, and I wouldn’t have learned that on my own. I even had my first “sexual fantasy” when I was in pre-school. I essentially knew way too much about sex from a VERY early age.

I’ve had a very rough childhood, because of this I tend to suppress a lot of memories. Recently, thinking back on a past “relationship” I realized I may have been assaulted. I know this is a very heavy term and label and I don’t want to use it incorrectly so I thought I might share my story in hopes on getting other opinions. When I was in middleschool I knew this boy as a friend. He was very flirty and often gave me romantic poems. This may seem sweet but I hardly knew him so it overwhelmed me a little as someone who had never been “chased” before. Eventually I believe I convinced myself the overwhelmed feeling was a crush so when he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes. The flirtation didn’t stop and he started to become very touchy, grabbing my hand in class and in the hall even when I tried to pull it away or say it made me uncomfortable. Very often he would try to kiss me, although I would pull away and tell him I didn’t want to. Eventually the flirting became groping when he was assigned a seat next to me in class. He would run his hand over my thigh, squeezing and grabbing. I felt like I had no way out bc I felt like I couldn’t get up and walk away or tell anyone bc I was ashamed of the way he was touching me. When he would ask me why I would move away from his hand I said it was because they were cold. He started bringing hand warmers to class and the thigh rubbing graduated to him touching and rubbing my crotch. This made me so uncomfortable that I was grateful when our seats were moved apart. A few weeks later his cousin tragically passed away and he had to go on a trip to Florida with his family to attend the funeral. He told me about this and after I tried to comfort him he suggested that I should finally kiss him before he went away. His reasoning was that it would be awhile before we saw each other again. I said again, that I didn’t want to kiss bc I was nervous. Later in class his two best friends came up to me and said he wanted to talk on the other side of the room. (This was a Montessori classroom with a curtain to separate two halves) I followed them to the other side and as soon as I approached my then boyfriend his two friends started to pressure me. Saying things like “just kiss him”, and “he’ll be gone for awhile just do it”. With them standing behind me and him standing in front of me, I felt cornered. I panicked and rushed between them to the other side of the room. They all kept trying to pressure me but I stayed with two of my friends. The next day I broke up with him. I’m not sure if I’m exaggerating by calling how he touched me and coerced me assault. So yeah… I guess I’m just looking for some second opinions. Please be kind.

It has been over 6 years since I left my ex who constantly coerced me, manipulated me, and just plainly ignored when I said no or that I was in pain. I’ve been to multiple therapists and am on lexapro right now and waiting for my next appointment to get some trazadone to help me sleep and hopefully not have as many nightmares(not all related to him, I’ve been under a lot of stress with work and my family). Every time I think I’ve moved on and just have my regular issues of depression, anxiety, abandonment, etc. I eventually end up triggered and right back in the hole. A few nights ago my husband and I were in bed and play fighting when he decided to go for my chest after tickling me, he held me in his arms too tightly and I started to feel like I was right back. I couldn’t breathe, my ears were ringing and in the panic I head-butted him. I spent a few minutes laying next to him and misdirecting my anger while trying my best to breathe steadily, ignore the high pitched ringing in my ears, and not feeling like I was able to move. I only snapped out of it when he asked me if I was ok to which I responded by jumping out of bed and hastily saying that I was going downstairs to smoke green because I couldn’t calm myself. I was sobbing between puffs while trying to talk myself through everything logically. I calmed down eventually and went back to bed to explain and apologize. He was understanding and supportive, but it really isn’t fair to him. I keep getting randomly triggered every few months and I’m sick of it. Will this ever stop? Does anyone have any tips? I’ve talked everything to death and keep reassuring myself in my head that it wasn’t my fault and it’s over, but this can’t be what my life will be like forever. I can’t keep doing this, I hate myself for being stuck in this loop.

So yesterday I was at a party and I’ve definitely had way too much to drink. I have a guy friend who has often made vague moves on me, but there is no real flirting going on between us, as I’m just not interested. So he and I went for a walk (alone) and I really wasn’t doing too well- to the point of not being able to walk or stand up on my own or even speak coherently. Suddenly he started kissing me and I was really uncomfortable but I wasn’t exactly able to say something. He also started to touch me in inappropriate places. Fighting back wasn’t in my ability so I just accepted it. Now the day after I feel incredibly disgusting and used. I’m not the type to have casual hookups or make out sessions if there aren’t any feelings involved and this mindset is very valuable to me, which is why I don’t understand why I would have changed my mind. I do get quite adventurous when drunk but this is not the sort of thing I’d ever do or even find acceptable. I don’t want to blame him because I didn’t say no or tell him to stop but at the same time I couldn’t have even if I wanted to. Can anyone help me make up my mind?

I entered a psychiatric hospital in November 2022 there I got in touch with a person we'll call him E (yes it's not the best place I confess) and suddenly during the relationship we had sex protected and consented

Except that following intercourse the condom broke and E, who I was with, found himself pregnant (he's a trans guy, I don't know how to define the word pregnant) but he didn't want to abort for reasons that concern him

Ducoup E was pregnant like January 2 or 3, 2023 (yes we had spent the new year together) and like in February we were still in a psychiatric hospital I had to leave the hospital for a weekend 1h30 from the hospital for a Brain MRI I have ADHD with another neurological disease NF1 and when I came back I learned that he (E) had cheated on me with his ex who we will call L (we were both minors at the time of the relationship and his ex was an adult he (E) was 16 me 17 his ex 22) and suddenly I was stressed because E who left me in the meantime told everyone that I had rape him a( Consent is the most important in my eyes in a relationship) it was me who was deceived I was still responsible for the pregnancy (not counting the condom which fell) and suddenly during this period when L was with E I lost 13 kg in 2-3 months because E no longer wanted to speak to me and I was still in love with him. I felt guilty and responsible

And my referring doctor (yes we had to talk about it necessarily) wanted me to talk to my parents about it but it's not easy to announce to these parents that their sons (or children given that I am non-binary) have made another person pregnant during a psychiatric stay

My parents didn't react too much, they weren't too shocked

Unfortunately at the psychiatric hospital there was a suicide (not E)

Who almost caused E to have a miscarriage due to stress

And a few weeks later these parents (E) forced her to have an abortion and my ex continued to talk behind my back and say that I had hit and rape him

I ended up leaving the institute in July 2023 Today I am realizing more and more that the person I was with literally used me as a sperm bank (which I was confirmed by others from this ex with whom E had done the same thing)

Now his name triggers me As well as anything that can relate to pregnancy or even the smell of tobacco (I smoked) I know that I am not perfect and that I could have made mistakes but this relationship made me particularly destroyed

Hello, I had an experience the other night and I kinda just want advice/opinions. I (20F) met up with this person the other night. We were doing some stuff (consentully) when they reached to get a condom. I thought they were going to put it on, but I then felt their fingers inside me again but this time it hurt really bad. I kinda went into my own head because of pain and discomfort for the rest of the encounter. As soon as they finished I ran away as quickly as I could.

When I got home and was able to look back I realized what happened was that they had stuck the wrapped, square, sharp, condom inside me and that was what was hurting. I definitely did not agree to that, but I did agree to other stuff.

Is that assault? What should I do? I already blocked them and I won’t be interacting with them anymore.

I've (16f) liked this guy (16m) for months now (he's the first crush I've had in 4 years). I've invited him to my house to play pool, to make croissants, to cook and watch walking dead. It was always so fulfilling, I always felt so happy around him. Yesterday, he sent me an audio. He said "thank you for existing, I've never found someone so similar to me, we the same tastes and that just makes me so happy, and I'm just so grateful to have you in my life. I struggle so much to be social, but when I'm with you, that changes. I really appreciate having you in my life. You're one in a million, I love you." I was so happy, I was jumping up and down and everything, but then he sent me a voice message telling me he loves me. It was so sweet and beautiful and yet I sobbed for hours after. Those 3 words reminded me so much of someone I used to date (he was older and he groomed me into sex, and he'd hit me all the time) and it terrified me so much, I just couldn't look at him the same, despite how excited I originally was. I thought I was over it, I thought the pain and abuse was behind me, but only now do I realize that I am still terrorized by it. Why is something I wanted so badly feel so horrible? I loved him, he loved me, I should've been happy, told him how much I loved him, but I was terrified of him and I feel so guilty for it. He's such a good guy, he's been so good to me, and it only took a small memory for me to spiral and lose my 5 month SH streak and lose him. What do I do? I want to love him but I'm too scared. I don't want to be scared, I want to be able to trust a male again. Why can't I? We were so close and now I feel nothing towards him.

It reminded me of the first time he came to my house. It sounds disgusting, but I wore a pink underwear in case he wanted to rape me (I didn't want to have sex). Why do I expect it? Why do I accept it? I literally prepared myself for the possibility of being raped, and he did nothing, he washed the dishes after our meal, he hugged me, he told me he loved me, and yet I still expected a person as kind as him to rape me. I hate this. I want to be better. I don't want to be a toy for men anymore. I want to want him.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone can relate to this, and if anyone has any advice.

I was assaulted somewhat recently, and it’s been impacting just about every part of my life. the odd thing is this - I’ve been telling myself that it wasn’t that bad and that I’m overreacting. my SA didn’t involve any penetration and I guess it’s more black and white. but he touched me without consent and I didn’t want him touching me where he was.

I know that realistically sexual assault is “anyone unwanted sexual contact without consent.” what I experienced was SA. and yet, my brain isn’t allowing me to accept it as SA. I know that others have it so much worse and I experienced nothing compared to what they experienced, but at the same time I can’t see it as assault. I just wish I could see it as severe and bad enough. I have ptsd from it, but I still cannot accept that it was bad. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to accept. I’ve been in therapy about this for a while now, but I feel like I’m not healing fast enough.

I feel guilty calling myself a survivor or a victim and I’m not sure if it’s because it’s too big of a term or if it’s how society views SA. either way if sucks, I’m frustrated, and I want to heal.

If you have read this far, thank you :) if anyone has any advice or anything please let me know. how do I stop minimizing?

!Hey, so, i was groomed online years ago when i was 10-11 by a man in his 20's and well, i wanna know what type of tattoo is linked with this stuff, im big into tattoos with meanings, so id like to know what may be alright for this case..!<

!(Ive been asked by a few people if medusa tattoos are linked with these type of things, and my response has always been 'im not sure, i think they're only linked to victims of sexual assult, not sexual abuse', but idk if this is correct)!<

MY BAD IDK WHAT FLAIR MEANS YALL GOODBYE

Is this considered a crime? Or is it just a misunderstanding?

Is this considered a crime or I feel like I’m being too dramatic as I feel like I led him on by meeting him

I’m reposting because there’s probably new people who would be okay listening to me. Idk what to label the situation.

I’m just looking for different advice, opinions, perspectives on this.

I came home for the weekend, and I was planning on going out with some friends. They ended up canceling last minute. This guy I hung out with once saw my location was on, and he reached out, asking if I wanted to go to the beach.

I agreed to go because I drove all the way to that area, got dressed up, and had nothing else to do. I parked my car, and then I got into his car. We parked in front of his house. We talked and caught up because it had been a year since I've seen him. I asked if he wanted to go to a party or a club (I wanted to go somewhere public with people). He said sure, but we realized the clubs would be closed soon as it was already close to 2am. As I texted someone to see if the party was still happening, he went inside to grab alcohol and blankets just in case we went to the beach instead. The party got canceled, and he said we should just go to the beach, and I said sure. He came back with a m water bottle filled with whiskey and a little bit of soda. In his car, we started drinking, and he kept bringing up how he wanted to hook up in the past, but we never did.

He asked me if I'd want to hook up with him tonight, and I said something about how I would if I wasn't going to school in Miami, and I also said I liked someone else at my college.

I also said that I think because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I just really didn’t feel like doing anything like that tonight I didn’t even want to go out that much. I could tell he was annoyed by that. But he kept complimenting me and massaging my shoulders, and just like being flirty. I didn't really know what to say because I did not want to create conflict, but the whole time I had the person I liked in Miami on my mind. I had a few sips of the whiskey he brought, but I finished the two white claws I had brought with me. After chatting and drinking, we eventually walked out to the beach, picked a spot near the access point, we set up blankets on the sand.

We got under the blankets because it was so cold. I really just wanted to sit under the stars, drink, and catch up; I wasn't in the mood to do anything else because I really did not even feel like going out that night, plus I really liked someone else.

Almost immediately after we got out there, he started touching me. He like rolled on top of me and was reaching under my clothes and took my bra off. I didn't really know what to do because I didn't want to upset him, but I kept reminding him that there's someone else in the picture and that I don't want to do this right now.

He started fingering me and trying to make out with me, but I kept turning my head so he couldn't kiss me, and I was trying to push him away and telling him that I shouldn't do this. He kept saying that it doesn't matter and that he won't tell the person I like.

I kept telling him that I shouldn't do this right now, I want to respect the other person I like, and that we should stop. He was like un-doing his pants, and I didn't really know what to say because he wasn't listening to me. In my head, I thought I'd just go along with it until it got too far because I'm bad at saying no to people at times, and I didn't want to cause a problem.

I felt drunk walking to beach and at this point I could still feel drunk but I felt myself sobering up because I was confused about what was going on.

I told him that some things he was doing felt good, but we shouldn't take it further, but he kept wanting to have sex, and I told him I didn't want to. He didn't seem to take that into account. Maybe because I was saying it in a lighthearted flirty way?

He put a condom on, and in my head, I was like, "I don't know what to do, I don't want to do this right now."

He kept reaching under my skirt and trying to put his penis in but I kept trying to push him away, and twisting and turning to keep him from having sex with me.

He was kissing my neck really hard, and he just wouldn't get off. He kept using more force, which surprised me. I said, "okay, we're not having sex right now," and I was saying it nicely; I was being overly friendly or playful because I didn't know how to handle the situation, and I'm never really aggressive with people.

At one point I guess he was frustrated because I kept moving, and he was holding my arms above my head to get me to stop. The whole time his penis was right near my vagina but I am not 100% sure if he actually put his penis in because I was trying hard to move and push it away. I think he did a tiny bit because I asked him, "did you just put it in?" and he didn't really answer me.

But at one point, the condom fell off because I kept trying to like move him away. That got me worried because if this was going to happen then, that would make it worse. He managed to overpower me more by gripping and holding down my arms tighter, and I said: "you don't even have a condom on we can't do this" just to get him to stop or distract him. I also kept saying, "why don't we just finish drinking and just chill and talk" to distract him. I was surprised because he had gotten so aggressive by like gripping my arms tighter or just trying to get me to stop moving. He just kept saying, "we are doing this" and "why not, what's the big deal." After a while of wrestling and pushing him away and trying to talk him out of it, I told him I really had to go to the bathroom, thinking it would get him off. After a lot of arguing, we both stood up and went to the bathroom.

If you are a woman, living in the UK, 18+ and has had an unwanted sexual experience in the last ten years then please consider participating: https://leedsbeckettpsych.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_3vJl5n6eysV1eLA

#ItsNotOK

It blows my mind how multiple women have accused Chris Knowles of sexual harrassment and crickets…

https://www.mediaite.com/tv/top-newsmax-exec-remains-in-place-despite-multiple-sexual-harassment-complaints/amp/

I was drugged and raped by a Memphis Street Outlaw cast member back in late 2019.

yesterday, the police came to my house.

I had no idea what I'd done. turns out, the boy who tried to rape me 2 years ago reported an account I made calling him out for what he did to me and other people (with anonymity and consent). the account was not completely about him, as there were also posts about sexual assault in general (eg. statistics, how unsafe the general female population feel, photos of posters I saw trying to tackle misogyny and transphobia in Manchester). he's claimed I made fake accusations he's a paedophile. I never said this on the account. he's said that everything which was on the account (now deactivated) was fake.

I was told this could go on an enhanced dbs for 5 years. the course I am desperate to do (drama: education and community BA hons) needs a standard or enhanced dbs, meaning I may not be able to do it.

he has given me 2 years (so far) of ptsd and is now trying to ruin my life even more.

since I found this out, I've barely let anyone, even my own boyfriend, touch me.

the PO recommended I do report the assault, as I haven't already. the only thing is, there's literally no evidence. it happened in a park at dark with no cameras around.

I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I hate this. I want out. what have I done so wrong?? yes, I called him out for his behaviors. but that's the whole point of the #MeToo movement. why is it so wrong to speak about my experiences online when I was completely ignored by the wellbeing team at my school? I just want to live a different life. something better than this.

I (15F) was raped last year and it was my first sexual encounter. I feel disgusting but ever since then I have had a lot of sex, with different people. I know it’s weird and I’ve always liked attention from guys but I have like no limits anymore. I don’t know what’s okay and what isn’t. Is this normal after being assaulted?

Wrote this the other night planning to share with the missus was wondering if I should?

I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety but the last 12 months I’ve been fighting a really hard secret battle within myself. This year I’ve been reliving all the trauma I’ve been through as a child, teen and most of my early 20s. Please ask me questions because I probably won’t elaborate as it hurts.

To start off I was picked on relentlessly a a child because I was fat. And when I say relentlessly it was every day of the week 52 weeks of the year and wasn’t exclusive to the schoolyard I copped it everywhere I went and because I was so firey I would be an easy target. I hated myself and felt lonely like I had no one. I hated the world so much and was angry that it was happening to me but I was powerless, I was told to be resilient and let it be water off a ducks back but how the fuck do you do that as a kid? I t remember being strangled at 6 by the school retard and I was completely powerless.

I get to highschool and thing got worse. Because I got more firey as I got older I was more of a target. I was called chicken nugget because I was short and fat until I hit 17. I couldn’t go anywhere in the school without being called it. Even in class and I even had my sister cal me it at home. I remember having the shit punched out of me just for being fat. Then got put on blast by the cunt who did its friends because mum got police involved.

To add to all of this my parents didn’t give a shit about me, when I was physically disciplined I was hit and hit hard mum would smother my face so I couldn’t breathe and to this day I hate having things on my face because it reminds me of being smothered to the point of thinking I would die. Dad was an alcoholic gambling addiction and I remember mum and dad hitting each other and a lot of domestic violence. Dad didn’t give a shit about me I remember trying to connect with him as a kid and he would just ignore me. I felt hated and unwanted. I just wanted to be loved and held and told I’ll be ok or even just supported through all the shit I went through but mum would just just throw every school visit back in my face when we’d argue. I was just a kid, I couldn’t do anything and the support I had was just thrown in my face. I had to watch dad go through major panic attacks as a child and manic depression and surprise surprise now it’s my turn. I had my childhood stolen as well as my innocence. My dad said he wouldn’t become like his father who beat the shit out of him and ended up not far off him. Mum was sexually assaulted as a kid and I was the punching bag, left to figure out how to navigate life. I was just a fucking kid. I felt unloved, not safe and robbed of joy.

It’s not enough that I had to live through that shit now I’m reliving it everyday.

I really just want someone to grab me and tell me it’ll be ok. I don’t want to carry this burden and I’m petrified to have children because I’m worried I’ll just put my trauma onto my kids and I can’t do that.

I’ve pissed and gambled most my 20s away because just want to forget that part of my life. But I know I have to face it. I fucking hate my parents no it hurts to have to be the bigger one and swallow years of abuse.

I know I talk about grandpas passing being hard for me but it truly was. I think I have ptsd because some days on my way to work I still the last day I saw him on the way out, I hear him screaming in pain and I still see myself taking him out to the van. I can’t escape it.

I’m trying so hard to keep my head above water with my depression but I’m really struggling I’ve had mates take their own lives and sometimes I get so scared because I don’t know what separates me from them. I haven’t been honest with anyone about this but I’ve had thoughts some days of driving into. Tree as I go to work. Thinking about what song I’d have at my funeral. I don’t want to die Tay but I’m scared I’m losing my battle with depression and if I didn’t have you I don’t know what I’d do but even then I feel I don’t deserve your love, and I’ve been having constant nightmares you give me the flick. I know this is a lot and I am going to get the help I need. And I shouldn’t have had to get fucked up just to tell you this but I’ve kept this from everyone and you’re the only one I can tell.

Growing up my family would always go visit my grandmother and her partner as they lived about 8 hours away. We'd see them a few times a year. I don't remember when it started but my Papa (grandmother's partner/not biologically related) would touch me innappropriately and make me touch him sometimes, but mainly it was him touching me. It happened well over a dozen times over the years and I was always too scared to say something to my parents because he told me that I would get in trouble, they would hate me, it would be my fault, my grandma would lose everything and be homeless and they'd blame me for it, etc. So I never said anything. I'm 27 now and he's been dead for about 4 years now. Before he died I had told 3 friends my entire life. One used to come on visits with me and I once asked her if he ever came into her room at night (we stayed for 2 weeks once and each got our own room) and she said no why would he and then questioned me further and I told her. She told her sister. They briefly tried to talk me into telling my family but I didn't know how and believed that what he said was true, they would all hate me and I'd ruing my family. The other friend I told in university. Once he died I ended up telling friends that I was close with at the time because I had so many mixed emotions. I was happy because I finally wouldn't have to deal with him anymore and I figured there'd be nothing left to hide and he got what he deserced. Then I felt like shit because why was I happy that he suffered leading up to his death? I was also sad for my grandma who I truly believe did not no of it happening especially because he would only do it when no one else was around. My grandmother passed last year and I never told her but now that they've both passed we've had to go through all their belongings. My whole family thinks I was super close with my papa and I was his fav grandchild so they constantly ask me if I want certain things of his and this year my grandma's sister got me a Christmas ornament with their picture on it as a remembrance thing. My fiance knows and does not want to hang it on the tree and neither do it, but I love that it has my grandma on it and it's honestly so nice I just hate that it also has his face on it. My fiance thinks I should tell my mother and ultimately the rest of my close family (my uncle now lives in their house with his kids). I guess my main issue is, how do I tell them? And I haven't mentioned the worse part yet. He was a custodian at his local elementary school for like 30 years. I don't believe I'm the only victim and I feel guilty for never coming forward with this information and other kids potentially being victims that I could've maybe stopped. Oh and my mom's cousin use to visit them with her young son and daughter so I worry for her too. The guilt of not bringing it up sooner I think is what's stopping me from telling my mom. Until his death I tried my best to just forget everything that happened and pretend like it didn't but now I worry for his other possibly victims. I think finally being in a healthy long term relationship has also made these feelings come up more as I'm finding the trauma/memories pop up more frequently when doing things with my partner, and I hate that what happened has an effect on mine and my fiance's relationship.

Anyways, sorry for the long story. It does feel nice to get it off my chest a bit though. Thanks to anyone that read all the way through and may respond ❤️

When I was 14 I was raped by a man I do not know. I remember every detail. He was in his thirties and took advantage of me. At first I was fine with him being touchy. I was desperate to be seen and didn’t understand the situation. I feel like I provoked him to rape me by the way I was acting and dressing.

I can’t sleep so I wanted to just write it somewhere, not sure if this is classed as intense as it should be for me too but I was going home on the underground and a guy smiled at me as I sat down. Being polite I smiled back, I sat down and there was a seat between us. I could see him out the corner of my eye looking at me and his body was positioned towards mine. Something in my gut told me this guy was bad news, I didn’t give eye contact I just sat and would look at my phone being careful to put it away at the stops. I messaged my partner asking if he could be there waiting for me at the ticket barriers. There was other people on the carriage and I felt it best to stay on to my stop. He got up to leave at my stop and I waited until the last moment to get up and stand by the door. He stopped and asked to have one minute of my time. I was trying to be as polite as possible just so I could get out the station he wanted to meet me the next day. I gave him a fake name and fake place where I lived just so I could keep walking and told him I wasn’t interested. When I got to the barriers I pushed in front of someone so I could get through and put some distance between us although I was flustered and couldn’t get my ticket through. My partner was there and we continued walking. But I saw the man walking ahead obviously waiting for me. I rushed across the street and when he saw we were holding hands he left in the the other direction. I just felt so many different things and I’m not sure what I would have done if my partner hadn’t been there. It really felt like he would’ve followed me home. Does anyone have advice for how I can overcome fear I’ve some bad experiences in the past and this has triggered me a little and now I’m trying to not let it stop me.