So me and my husband have been married going on 2 years and he knows that I’m bi. I’m actually more into women than men, I just so happened to run into the love of my life and he happens to be a man. I always have my urges to be with a woman. Not like a 3sum, or a GF but a real fwb. I don’t want it to just be a one night stand but when I find a woman they end up wanting a relationship, disrespecting my husband or it ends up just being a one time deal (experimenting). I’m getting tired of watching flixxx and fantasizing. Should I go for it again or just sit back and wait until the opportunity presents itself?

Throwaway. Been married to my wife for 7 years. While dating she was the first person I ever told about my attraction to men as well as my kinks. I broke down ugly crying but she was accepting and we were mutually overcome with joy, closeness, and newfound sexual energy. I had never experienced such vulnerability and acceptance before. It was beautiful and one of the best moments of my life. With all of that out of the way we went ahead and got married.

Thing is … I had never actually been with a guy. I just knew I loved my particular niche of kinky gay porn. Few years ago I broke down telling her about my doubt, curiosity, and regret so we discussed opening things with a couples counselor but that was a no go. So I stuck with porn and fantasy and role playing in the bedroom and while that’s OK … I have a nagging feeling something still isn’t right and I feel trapped.

I’ve been in therapy for the last few years and as I’ve overcome my fears and anxieties about my sexuality, I’m starting to notice and feel things I haven’t quite felt before. That there’s genuine excitement about sitting next to a guy on the subway. A knowing glance across the room. Sparks unexpectedly flew after one of my best guy friends and I hugged and I got downright primal about wanting to hook up with him and show him the sexy underwear I was wearing (WTF moment for me. No I didn’t tell him any of this I don’t want to screw up our friendship).

I’ve always chalked up the lack of those feelings with women due to being nerdy, or socially awkward, or being unattractive, or having no game, or maybe on the spectrum, or that I’m already in a relationship with a woman so I’m satisfied in that department. However I’m starting to notice with men that I don’t even need to think twice. It just sort of … happens? Like I just know how to lock eyes and flirt and it’s downright enjoyable. There’s a magnetism. 

It’s not that I can’t perform in bed. I can please her and get hard and get it done. If my kinks are involved I’m WAY more excited. We chalked up my sexuality as “I’m a very kinky bi man where PIV vanilla sex isn’t exactly my thing but like good, giving, and game partners I’ll do it to make her happy and she’ll occasionally partake in my kinks”.

But again there’s a certain … something that doesn’t feel right. When she proposes getting it on I get immediately anxious and try to make up excuses. Again, we chalked it up to “oh that’s just internalized shame and anxiety about your sexuality rearing its head again” and that “I need to be more comfortable advocating for kinky sex / role-playing so that my needs are met”. But it’s been like that for nearly a decade.

Everytime we’re cuddling (and I do love cuddling!) and she feels me twinge, she comments that “oh I’m getting excited!” and uses that as evidence in couples therapy that I’m into her and everything is OK. I’ve tried to explain that I think it’s just physical because mentally not much is going on. Either that or I was fantasizing about dudes or some porn or something like that. So I’ve tried to practice being present in the moment with her in bed instead of fantasizing as well as trying to not label anything or jump to any conclusions. So we still have sex on occasion (vanilla and kinky) but if I’m being honest I’m not feeling particularly satisfied.

I’m struggling to tell if this is a case of me wanting to seek some new sexual experience or relationship after being married and monogamous for so long. That this is the 7 year itch or a bit of a midlife crisis. That this is a panic attack brought on by wanting to start a family. That I’m too in my head and we need to recreate vulnerability and intimacy somehow.

My friend suggested bending the rules a bit to get more clarity if it helps move things forward. Maybe go to a gay bar in a different city to see how you feel. Maybe flirt or touch or make out with someone. Get it out of your system so it’s reality and not fantasy. I get his perspective, but I struggle to bring myself to do that.

I’ve dialed back drinking, unhealthy foods, porn, and hit the gym to help me stay sane … but I still feel like I’m going crazy and I want to be honest with her about what’s going on with me. I don’t have a proposal other than “we need to talk and I need to be by myself with no strings attached to figure some shit out” - but that also feels like a shitty thing to propose and to dump on her. Like I just want to relive my 20s and be wild and free and live out a bunch of sexual fantasies and then come back to her. I understand she has every right to dump me.

To be clear, I don’t think there’s anything intentionally malicious going on. I think we both love each other and want to maintain that bond and not hurt each other.

Bleh. I know the right thing to do is talk to her but I guess I want to vent anonymously before doing so. Thanks for reading.

I spent 48 years in denial, then came out as by three years ago. Since then I have felt more gay than bye, but have never had sex with any man. That’s not to say I haven’t done anything with a man. I’ve had a penis in my mouth and I’ve stroked one. I fantasize about men all the time, but I’ve never had the nerve to do it. I want a boyfriend. I’m 52 married and want a damn boyfriend I want to be fucked, but since I haven’t been, I feel like an imposter. Since fear keeps me from acting on my desires, I feel like an imposter since I’m married to a woman and have kids. I feel like I’m an imposter.

At least for the next stretch of time, I won't be able to come out to my wife. It's absolutely one of those little white lies everyone is better off with...at least for now.

That said, I'd love to have a few butt-plugs and a decent sized dildo around for whenever I'm alone and the cycle is strong. Those would be exceptionally hard to explain, so I need a great hiding spot.

What do people here do to hide toys that can't be found?

Hey guys, I’m 40, newly out to myself as bi but not to anyone else. Wondering where you guys are making bi guy friends, just to talk about your experiences and newly navigating bisexuality. I’m in Los Angeles.

I feel like I have the opposite problem as most people on here. Lol I've got a bi husband that isn't really into anal play.

He is ok with the occasional single finger but that's it. No plugs. No ass eating (giving or receiving). He came out long ago. We don't have any issues there. We have a great sex life in general, he is incredible, and I love him so much but I find myself sad that he isn't super into anal play. I want so bad to peg him and I'm pretty sure I won't ever get to. I know there's nothing I can do about it and I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I just read about everyone wishing their wives would peg them and it's so weird being on the opposite side of it.

Anyway, no real point to this. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years and she has recently come out to me as bi. I am in full support of her exploring this and want her to feel comfortable with her sexuality and confident in who she is. She has expressed desire to meeting/chatting with other women for a flirty friendship and seeing where things go, but doesn’t know where to start. She’s open to me helping “wingman” for her but I don’t want it to come off as “looking for a third” either. Any suggestions from those that have been down this road before?

I’ve made the suggestion of going a little more in depth with convos with a couple of her current girlfriends but she’s also afraid of losing the friendship if it’s not well received.

Thanks in advance for any support/suggestions!

Hello all. I had to start another Reddit (long time follower on my main account) to post up in here and explore my desires.

tl;dr has anyone had success with marriage counseling work after coming out to spouse?

37M here, married 14yrs. Cutting to the chase, after two years of processing feelings, a year of individual counseling, and then a year of self reflection I told my wife I believe I am bi - and I am attracted to multiple genders.

Had I discovered this about myself 20years ago, maybe I’d have a different story. But I didn’t. I made choices for reasons (cultural, religious, etc) that fit the accepted norms of the world I was in.

Some facts:

• I did not come out to my wife in person; I sent her pictures of my diary I’d been keeping (the whole thing) where I laid out how my mind has gotten to where I am (I think this was the genesis of my mistake).
• I was away on business for an extended period- so we were ignoring it long-distance for months.
• she now questions if I’m gay (I’m not)
• she asks if I’ve cheated (I haven’t)
• I mentioned in the diary open relationships as something I’d put thought into (and she dismissed it)
• since my coming out 10 months ago, I’ve been back from my work trip for 5 months. We’ve had sex three times…. I think it’s related to all this.
• My wife states that she is supportive of LGBTQ+ rights and has said if our kids came out she'd be their biggest ally. I think thats what made me feel comfortable coming out to her.

Anyways, anyone have success with counseling or have advise for opening the topic back up with my spouse? I value my marriage and want it to last, I just feel like having now come out there is no putting the genie back in the bottle.

I (M50) just came out to my wife (F48) in the past couple weeks after just recently coming out to myself and my therapist.

I was abused as a child and dealt with confusion over my sexuality for years. Recently explored the abuse with my therapist which opened the door to me accepting my whole self for who I am. I am bisexual but heteroromantic. I’ve never developed feelings for a man and only ever felt sexual attraction. I’ve never been with a man (as a consenting adult, so I don’t count my abuse).

My wife has taken the news very well. She’s been very supportive and engaging and we’ve had many talks and tears over the past couple weeks.

I’m fully in love with my wife of 20 years and want to remain monogamous. I have as much desire to actually be with a man as I have to be with another woman… none. That being said, my fantasies are nothing to sneeze at.

I want to stay true to my authentic self while respecting the boundaries of our relationship. My wife is totally fine with me using masturbation as an outlet and is okay with porn usage. She’s hesitant about exploring together in any way. I recognize that she’s digesting a lot right now and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable, so I’m not pushing the issue and I’m being patient. That being said, I fear that this coming out could quickly disappear back into the closet and nothing change.

What things could a monogamous MF couple do in the bedroom to honor the fact that one is bisexual? Short of opening up the bedroom, that is not an option.

I am in love with my wife. I’m so happy in so many ways. She is amazing and I would never want to hurt her. But if I want to be with men, it means I need to hurt her. The thought of that kills me and eats me up enough to never leave. But I have come to terms with the fact I am not sexually aroused by women’s parts except for my wife. If we were to divorce, I wouldn’t be with another woman (I think, who knows?). BUT I am so in love with her and the thought of breaking up and her being with other people guts me. It’s such a mind fuck sometimes. Some days I am secure. Other days I’m not. Some days I only want to fuck her. Other days I only want gay porn or men. It’s such a wild ride. I don’t really know what to do. I told her I was bi around a year ago and she was so accepting.

I’m almost 30. Part of me wants to pause my life and figure this out but I know I can’t unless we separate. But then I go back to how much that would hurt. I also am scared I will go seek men and realize I didn’t want that long term and I just gave up the best relationship I have ever had. Ughhhhh I wish things were different but I also need them to stay the same. I also wonder if I am depriving both of us of true happiness but then I think I am truly happy except for the whole I want to be with men sometimes thing. I wonder if she would be truly happy with someone who wants her all the time in all ways? What are everyone’s thoughts? Ready, Go!

Seen a lot posted about causation vs correlation here and wondering if you’ve noticed a connection between childhood SA and bisexuality. It does seem to be a bit of a trend that I’ve noticed and curious your thoughts.

Just curious how many of you started looking for/doing things with guys because you weren’t getting enough intimacy in your marriage.

it seems like the opposite is also true - a lot of hyper-sexual/kinky guy just wanted new experiences but I’m just kind of curious how these things develop.

I’m certainly over-intellectualizing this, but I’m coming to my bisexual realization fairly late in life (and my marriage). I wouldn’t say it’s entirely shame, but if I could explain it away or ease away from these feelings, it would make my life massively less complex. Every time I think I’m headed down that road, I see two men rubbing their dicks together and my mouth starts watering. 

One thing I wonder is if my preference for kinky sex is one driver of considering myself bi. My wife, who is fairly vanilla, but also all girlfriends I’ve had in my life have not been as motivated by sex and certainly haven’t had the drive for kinky sex that’s come even close to mine. That said, if you are looking for a group that wants to have wild sex at high frequency, or someone that actually gets off by having someone cum on their face, you’re much more likely to find that in other men has been my experience. 

Even when my wife is willing to try something a bit new, it’s clear she’s doing it to accommodate me, and certainly enjoys giving me that pleasure. That’s a great wife. But she is never going to want to do a whole bag of unspeakable things to me simply for the thrill of the act itself. I don’t blame or fault her at all, but it has created in me the desire to match that energy, which in my experience has been with other men. 

I think that is in part the fantasy of porn. That these actors want nothing else than to be doing what they are to each other, which is well known to be an act. When I do watch MFM porn, it seems clear to me the 2 guys wouldn’t rather be anywhere else, and that makes me super hot. 

Obviously big generalizations here, but that's been my experience.

I’ve been bi-curious for a long time but have never shared this part of myself with anyone. I'm married, and this story takes place during a recent Halloween gathering.

We (my wife, our child, and I) were spending the weekend at a cottage with friends for a Halloween party. Among the group were a former couple, one of whom brought his current boyfriend. He was new to the group, and I’d only met him once before. He had recently come out as gay after ending a long-term relationship with a girlfriend he almost married. The rest of the group were long-time friends, and while we often meet up, I’d never talked about my bi-curiosity with them.

Unexpectedly, my wife’s friend joined us with her family, including her husband, whom I'll refer to as Tom, and their child. I spent most of the evening talking and drinking shots with Tom. For context, we’d met a few times before since our kids are classmates, and we also work at the same company.

As the night went on and it got late, we decided to walk Tom’s family back to their rental place, which was about a 10-minute walk away. Out of nowhere, Tom and I found ourselves holding hands, playfully and seemingly as a joke since we were both quite drunk. After leaving his family at their place, I convinced Tom to come back to the party, and on the way back, we held hands again.

When we returned to the cottage, we continued drinking and talking. At one point, one of my gay friends approached me and mentioned that he thought Tom might be gay, pointing out subtle behaviors he’d noticed. Initially, I laughed it off but found myself noticing things too. Later, a smaller group of us, including the new boyfriend, gathered on the terrace. He began teasing Tom and me, saying he could see something between us, commenting on our body language and the way we looked at each other. He even said, “You both look like you want to kiss. Don’t let being married hold you back—just be yourselves.”

Tom, who rarely smokes, asked for a cigarette and took a few puffs. Suddenly, he looked lightheaded and reached for my hands for support. We ended up standing there, holding hands, while the others looked on, almost as if confirming their suspicions. Tom took a few deep breaths, and we decided to leave the cottage together.

As we walked down the path, Tom asked, “So, they think we’re gay?” I replied, “Mmm, yes, kind of.” That was the end of that conversation. We walked back to his place, holding hands again. I can’t remember who initiated it, but I was guiding him as he was drunk, had smoked, and it was dark. Secretly, I wondered if anything more might happen, but our conversation stayed light, mostly about work and other random topics.

When we reached his place, neither of us seemed ready to say goodbye, so Tom insisted on walking me back to the cottage. It felt like a repeat—holding hands, quiet moments, and small talk. What should have been a short 10-minute walk stretched into nearly two hours, but in the end, nothing happened.

When I finally returned, everyone was asleep. I messaged Tom to check if he was okay and then went to bed. The next morning, he replied with a selfie of his hangover. We exchanged a few messages, and I asked what he remembered. He called, and we talked briefly. I brought up the conversation on the terrace, and he said he vaguely remembered but didn’t say much else. We saw each other over the next couple of days, talked as usual, and kept things light without drinking as much.

One last detail: the morning after Halloween, the new boyfriend mentioned that my wife had asked him about my behavior that night. He told her he thought I was interested in men. I don’t know the full details of that conversation, but that’s a story for another day.

Looking back, the entire night feels surreal, and now I’m left wondering what to think about it—about Tom and me.

So lately the wife's been leaving her toys that she plays with in the shower cuz thats where she cleans them..normally she puts them away but she hasn't been doing that..and now when I go shower I can't help but practice my blowjob skills on them so just wondering if it's just me or anybody else have the same problem?

I'm really struggling with the effects of my sexuality on my life. I'm 39M and while I still question my sexuality, my experience so far says I have a stronger preference for men. I dated a woman briefly in my 20s, it was fun (including the sex), but my later relationships with men were much deeper - both physically/sexually and emotionally. So, I suppose I'm somewhere between gay and bi. I don't care about the labels, but I do care about how it's affecting my life.

I was always unsure about whether I wanted children (I'm a very unsure person in general), but more recently, as time is running out, I've been feeling that I would like to have one or two kids. My last relationship left me in lots of confusion about how to go about doing this, and my ex (same age/gender as me) was confused/distressed about this too. I have lots of confused thoughts about this, but basically I've been paralysed for the last few years over this, unable to date or get into any relationship due to it. My ex mentioned that what he really wanted was a child with a woman and it to be genetically his. While this was upsetting to me (since we really had strong feelings and invested a lot into each other), I also understood it, as I felt myself wanting that too, even though previously I had decided I wanted a man. We (he) tried to figure out if there was a way for us to be together still, but eventually he wanted to break up (there were other reasons for him wanting to break up, although I wasn't clear on all of them - it was all quite confusing).

I'm now experiencing intense distress, insomnia, etc. over feeling that there is no way out of this situation, and that time is running out (or maybe even has run out). I could try to find a woman to have children with, but I don't know if I'd be able to find someone where we would have a strong enough emotional/sexual connection (and I don't know how many women would be accepting of a man who has been in relationships with men). But could it work with the right women in a pragmatic friendship/co-parenting situation, or maybe who I could even grow to truly love? I've heard so much about gay/bi guys in straight relationships that ruin their spouse/child/own lives - I absolutely do not want to to be that person. I could find a man for a relationship, but it seems there are so many serious problem of having children this way. People tell me adopted children can have lots of issues, and I've been feeling that I'd want to make a child of my own (i.e. mine genetically) and would feel a loss otherwise, maybe. Surrogacy seems to be incredibly expensive (so may not be possible even), and others (including my mother) have highlighted the ethical issues (taking the child from its mother, child not knowing their mother) and legal ones (the birth mother has rights). Co-parenting is a possibility, although has some of the issues of surrogacy, and I think might be confusing for the child if more than two people are involved, and I'm not sure how would work out practically. I've not had time to look into these options fully (other life things are taking up my time). In all options of having a child with a man, it seems life would be hard for the child (bullying at school, etc.) - I can deal with the difficulties myself but I would not want to put a child through such difficulties. I grew up in a stable family with a mother+father and it's hard for me to imagine an alternative way that would work out well. My parents didn't have a great relationship with each other, but were able to make things work, and did care for each other and for me.

The thought that there might be no way forward through is causing me so much distress.

Not having a child is an option, but I've been feeling recently that I'd like one, and the thought of not having one makes me feel a great sense of loss. I don't think I'd be able to be a single parent, far too challenging for me to do by myself.

I do not want to ruin my life. I don't want to end up alone. I do not want to hurt anyone. I do not want to be paralysed any more. I want the distress to end. I want to do the right thing for everyone. I want to live as meaningful life as I can.

Feel free to comment or DM if you can help or suggest anything to help me work through this.

So, the “bi” cycle really seems to be hitting me hard lately. And there’s not really anything I can be doing about it. We’re trying to make the marriage work, (and she really has been good about the whole thing). But, am I the only one who gets pissed off at their wife and, when she’s not looking or out of earshot, just lets out with a “god, I wish I were just gay! It would be so much easier?”

41 and Curious. It’s been over 20 yrs since my last experience, but society got in the way. So my wife knows and approves, but wants to watch. I’m not sure how to find or where to search. I want to be safe but I want to experience everything. Not sure where to start or if it’s too late.

I rold my wife recently about my past sexual experience with guys she than wanted to watched so she found me a guy

I woke up so horny this morning. I’ve never been with another man, but sometimes the urge is so overwhelming. I’d give anything to roll around in bed with a sexy guy and do everything imaginable to each other. My wife knows I have bisexual fantasies, but she doesn’t know how strong the urge can get.

I came out to my wife as bi - or at least said, "I think I'm bi."

Backstory:

We talked about pegging and wanting to try it. I ordered a strap-on and it arrived. We hadn't had an opportunity to try it for weeks but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

We had an emotional talk beforehand about unrelated things. She came in ready to try out the toy. Lubed up, took a little patience.

After a few minutes, I asked if I could be open with her and said "I think I'm bi." There's a lot more to talk about but she seemed open and didn't react negatively.

I recently messed around with a male friend, and I told her that too. I've been feeling so ashamed and guilty. I know we will need to work through that and rebuild trust. Those feelings have been weighing on me so heavily.

Even with the mixed emotions, it's all such a relief! I feel like I've been lying to her and myself about who I am. And hiding a big part of me from both of us.

I'm encouraged by the positive stories on here and appreciate everyone for sharing!

Hello!

Is anyone here in a similar situation where you're married to a supportive husband who’s understanding about your queerness, but he’s uncomfortable with you exploring it independently? My husband and I have been together for 11 years, and while he’s open to exploring together, he doesn’t feel comfortable with me experiencing this on my own, even if it’s just kissing another woman.

I totally respect his feelings, and I do want to explore with him too. But at the same time, I feel this inner pull to explore my queerness individually as well. Sometimes, being in a straight relationship can feel limiting because it’s hard for my husband to fully understand the complexities of my experience. I worry that if I never explore this part of myself independently, I might have regrets down the road.

Is anyone else going through something similar, or has anyone been in a similar position? I’d love to hear any advice or experiences you might be willing to share.

Thank you in advance!

Hey all, Chad here from the podcast Give It To Me Bi!

We recently recorded an episode diving into the world of pegging—a topic that, for some of us here, might be old news, while others might not even know what the word means, and plenty are somewhere in between.

For many bi folks in long term relationships, exploring new aspects of our sexuality can be both exciting and a little intimidating, especially when it involves bringing our partners into that journey who may not be on the same page. This episode is all about easing into that conversation and sharing practical, approachable advice on how to introduce the idea to your partner(s).

We break down the “whats” and “whys” of pegging and address some of the common worries.

If you’re interested in listening, here’s the link.

Would love to hear your thoughts or experiences! 🩷💜💙

I’m concerned I’ll have post nut clarity if I cum getting fucked. It’s bad enough after open goodness knows what it’d be like with a man on top of me, a load inside me and a cock filling me.

Who is on the DL with their bi-ness?

I'm inspired by the stories of supportive spouses I see on this sub. The reality is many folks here are either not in that situation or are highly confident their spouse won't be supportive.

I've always know my wife would not support involving any other people in play, but was hopeful we could find a balance somewhere like MMF porn, pegging, cum-kissing etc etc. I now know it flat out isn't in the cards. We had some friends open their marriage and she let loose on how disgusting she finds all kinds of kinky play, and how heartbroken she'd be if I wanted anything like that.

She supports LGBTQ+ and is very opened minded how people live their lives, but it isn't for her. I can't be mad as none of this was something I wanted when we got together.

I'd love to hear how folks without supportive partners have managed to keep their sanity. You may disagree with my decision, but I'd rather this part of me fester than tear my family apart. Maybe that changes in 10 years, but it isn't the case today, and I don't think I'm alone.

If infidelity isn't an option, nor is complete denial, I think secretly playing with toys, porn and longing is the best I can do for now.

Always interested in new things I may not be considering.

Hi "bi" guy here (26) currently talking eith my wife about me enging with other men and thsts going fine. But im now getting worried about the ethics of essentially using these hypothetical men to experiment to make sure im actually bi? It feels icky and wrong and im unsure how to go about this ethically on that end. I dont want to use people, but i do want to actually be intimate with men while staying with my wife. I just cant find a way to reconcile all of this.

Me and the wife always have freaky sex and almost all of the time we use toys...well tonight while riding me she started to fuck my throat with one of her toys and let me tell u..choking on that dick forced me to cum harder than I've ever thought was possible...I'm writing this still in shock but drained completely and even tho it's a 1st I am gnna do that again holy fuck..

I'm a married and bi guy in my 30s. I've had a couple (mostly drunken) experiences with men but the vast majority of my romantic experience has been with women. I'm happily married to a bicurious woman. We've occasionally talked about swinging or poly, because we're very adventurous people with great communication skills. We want to experience what life has to offer!

My most common fantasy is finding a couple in a similar position and building a relationship in a way that normal friend boundaries can be looser- mostly we are just friends, but things get a little touchy on board game night, ya know? Like a sort of casual 2v2 relationship. During that experience we could explore our bisexuality at a comfortable pace without being expected to rush OR hold back that side of ourselves.

Unfortunately it seems like most swinger couples are at least straight on the male half. I've heard that bi men experience quite a bit of negativity in those circles too, but I don't have any experience with it. Further, I don't think I could really just one-night-stand with a random couple. I'm way too awkward.

Notes: Obviously complicating existing relationships is always a risk. I also don't want to imply that bi = swinger/poly.

I have appreciated men for a long time. Funny thing is that Playboy proved it to me by showing a beautiful full frontal shot of this super cute otter